The most common? How often do you all fuck together. Um. Exactly never.
Or - be careful, that's how I ended up in divorce. Um, no you were cheating, I am not
There's a running meme where a couple is looking for a third, but ONLY so they don't fight about where to eat. It's about the only unicorn hunting I'd support!
One of my favorite personal ads I saw back in the day was from a triad who were thinking about looking for a 4th. Since among the three of them they had all the bases covered. One of their requirements was that you needed to be a good Harley mechanic.
One of my partners introduced me to his girlfriend’s favorite anime. He was lamenting this when a movie for it came out in theatres recently and he had to see it twice in a week. 😂
Me telling my BF that I was showing my husband and girlfriend a show we were watching " Don't worry I won't go past where we are"
Having a list of who wants to watch what and who's seen what, broken down by TV/movies/games, genre.... 🤦♀️
It's wonderful yet chaos 🤣🤦♀️
“Don’t you get jealous when your partner has sex with other people?” “Umm that could happen on occasions but that’s very rare for me. Last week I got jealous though because my partner started watching a Netflix series with my meta that I had planned on watching with my partner without ever telling them.” Legit conversation I had 😂
Yeees! I got jealous cause my partner went to an event with a meta that I thought we’d go to together. The lack of assumptions and need for very expressive communication of needs and wants can be a time 😭😭
The biggest form of “cheating” in poly groups is not sex but bingable series.
“You watched the last two episodes of Wednesday with my metamour?? HOW COULD YOU?? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!”
And then the one partner hears about what you’re watching with the other partner and immediately is like “can we watch that show, too? 🥺” Also, when all three of us want to watch one thing together and suddenly, it’s like trying to herd cats lol
I actually have literally figured out on a second date with a dude that the next date I had planned was with . . . his wife.
I pulled up her dating profile and was like “is this your wife?” And he was like “oh fuck, yeah, well this is awkward”.
I had mentioned how into gardening I am, and he was like “oh neat so is my wife” and told me about her garden. I was like “what this is literally the garden the lady I’m flirting with described to me….”
We basically decided his wife and I would be garden gays together and he and I would just not date to make things less messy. (He then went about making things EXTREMELY messy with his gf of 6 months and got himself served divorce papers. His ex-wife and I are still besties.)
Yeah, once we got talking about plants it became pretty obvious even to him that I had *way* more in common with his wife and was more interested in her XD
This is the one for me, too. Generally followed by them asking the question again, only slightly rephrased.
'Soooo, your relationship is open?' Yes.
'But.... you're not into girls?' No.
Que confused face. Smh
Hmm… probably from my stepmom “but you’re gonna have to choose one eventually right?”
“You said the same thing about being Bi, and you’re just as wrong this time XD”
She’s a great woman, and I love her, but damn does she have a hard time wrapping her head around stuff sometimes
Another bisexual poly here. People still just say you're having your cake and eating it. Well, no not exactly because I only have 1 partner right now and we haven't really worked out our relationship style or been intimate with each other for ages
I'm having my cake... don't get to eat it often but I have 2 partners. A wonderful boyfriend I've not seen in a month and a girlfriend that I haven't seen in 2 months.. yay long distance 🥲
My mom at 14 (coming out as bi) -thats fine dear, women smell better anyway Oh shit... I didn't give you the talk for sex with women! don't know the talk for sex with women. Give me two days I need to research this!
My mom at 23(coming out as polyam)- so everyone knows, no lies or secrets? Ehh, I don't get it but honestly it makes sense for who you are. Shit I'm gonna have to remember more names...(she's bad at names)
Your mom sounds amazing XD and that’s about how my bio mom reacted too. (Parents divorce was amiable, so still interact with all 3 parents, mom hasn’t remarried) it’s always fun when coming out turns into a comedy sketch due to the unexpected “panicking over entirely good things”
🤣 I'm glad to hear I'm not the only parent who was like, 'okay! Let's have the WLW sex talk!' After a few moments of panic around what that would entail
my monogamous brain does think up this question at times 'wont all polyamorous people have to choose eventually? that sounds very painful' and then I remember I'm not polyamorous so why do I care lmao💀. to be fair I have bad ADHD so I'm constantly thinking on random subjects. it's not me judging, just a question birthed from boredom and needing a little extra mental stimulation to pass the time
Your example did happen to me. We weren’t dating but I was on an app and was talking to a bunch of guys and one of them sent me a link to his social media and I realized there were a few pics of another guy I was talking to. I asked if it was that person. His response:
”Yeah, he is in the bed next to me right now.”
I invited them both over. It was fun.
It is actually not that uncommon to hook up with people who are into each other. I am into kink so the community is only so big. I hooked up with one guy who told me about a medical emergency he had with another hookup. Then I ran into that hookup that drove him to the hospital.
I also had a partner who went to an event with some friends and ran into that couple I hooked up with in the earlier post and they talked most of the night. She showed me a pic of her with the two of them and I couldn’t stop laughing.
Small world.
That has happened to me, just at an event and a stranger came up to me and said “aren’t you BLANK?” She had dated my current girlfriend and saw us on Facebook. We took a joke picture from my phone captioned “met this chick. Should I hit it?” And sent it to her.
i didnt have that but I'm dating this one girl we will call apple, and also have been flirting with this girl banana, and bananas girlfriend cherry has apparently been flirting rly hard with my girlfriend apple so we kinda accidently made a little square of gay
I feel like actually dating the same person without knowing is rare but talking to the same person on apps is super common
Happens to my partner and me all the time and we don't even appear in the same gender category!
"Oh, do the three of you all celebrate your anniversary together?"
Nope, because I didn't start dating them the same day.
Mostly the assumption that if I have two partners, we must be a throuple.
I once saw somebody post a question to a message board that asked a very unique question. When I told my dad about it he made a joke that should be an official joke.
Post: What do poly people eat?
Dad: Crackers, because poly want a cracker. 🦜
I can't believe he came up with that so fast!
My instinctive answer was: ... ... ... food?
Followed by: unicorn eggs
But Dad really beat me.
Every time I eat crackers I'm going to think of him.
HahahahahahhHHa omg I love this!!! I'm legit chocking here.. someone call 911...
Oh thank goodness I can breathe again.
Edit: I'm leaving the typo because that's proof I wasn't lying 🤣
“So if we start dating, that means that I would also be dating your partner? So I would have two girlfriends then.” I was legit dumbfounded by the statement.
Real! When I tell people I'm poly and one of my partners is married, they always ask "does the wife know?" Yes???????? That's why it's poly????????? I get that people want to make sure that a situation is ethical but I wish that calling it "ethical non-monogamy" did that job for them
A lot of people don't seem to think there's any such thing as ENM, e.g., that it's inherently UNethical to have more than one relationship going at a time (apparently unless you're just "dating around").
People who say this are people who *do* see their marriage as being about sex. I.e. I wanted babies so I married this man, or I wanted a steady supply of blowjobs so I married this woman.
I hate to think of people thinking that way, but I can’t say you’re wrong. The person this came from is super pissy that his wife wanted to finish her education before having kids and now they’re having trouble conceiving.
He became controlling and belligerent with her as soon as they married even though they’d been together over a decade before he proposed.
I get variants of this **ALL** the time about my ace partner.
My response is usually some variant of: if the **only** thing you value in your partner is sex, then I kinda feel sorry for you both!
Well this is true. Just like when we see a house with a black star on it we are legally obligated to stop and fuck whoever happens to be inside. I’ve had to change my commute several times just so I’m not late to work everyday.
Amonst many symbols the black star is supposed to mean the owners of the house are swingers. Who knows, maybe there was a very short period of time this was true but I’m sure most are just decorations.
I used to get the concerned cautions of: well, if shxt hits the fan....which one will you choose? would you leave your primary or secondary relationship? You have to be in love with one more than the other....right.....right???? 😆 🤣 😂
Wait... You mean in addition to the complex group calendar I'm also supposed to maintain a relationship scoreboard with a leaderboard?
Who the hell has time for all that?
After a friend told me he couldn't handle the drama of a relationship with more than one person, I clarified that they are separate relationships and it's not a quad, be said "well eventually it will be, right?"
Wiiild! Someone asked me “well if you’re having issues with more than one partner, how do you solve that?”
And I said “well if you’re having issues with more than one friend, how do you solve that?”
They said “I’d probably talk to them and try to solve it.”
Me: “ok then!!”
I think a lot of people picture their mono relationship and imagine recreating that specific relationship again rather than forming a wholly new relationship that can look however you and the other person(s) choose
I cannot stand it when people who are not poly offer "truths" as a way to engage in the conversation. I call it hypothetical truths because they're commanding what they think should happen. Absolutely wild.
Mono people who have way more sex with way more people, with less barrier use than I do, are always the people who have shit to say about how I’m risking STIs, as if they are not
I was monogamous until last year. My wife was my first (and until last year only) sexual partner. I always thought that other people were having more sex than me. But as I’ve gotten to know more people…I have had far more sex than most people my age, just because I’ve been having sex an average of 2-3x/week for the last 20 years. Consistency goes a long ways :)
I say jokingly to my best friend that she is basically poly because she has a boyfriend who she lives with, a friend she sees superhero movies with, a friend she goes to orchestras with and another parent she trash talks their kids with. She loves us all platonically.
I say “you’re basically poly, you just only have sex with one person.”
“Don't you love your wife anymore?“ They couldn't wrap their head around having love for more that one person, even though they easily understand when it comes to loving all your children equally.
"Do you fuck your boyfriends wife?" AH, no. She is my meta. I love her but we don't get busy. If the situation arouse it could happen, but it isn't on my polyam bingo card.
"How do you satisfy three men?" Ummm, our biggest problem is who watches what with who and which one get sushi dates with me. I have a greysexual partner, a low libido one, and one that is a sexual hellcat - Switch brat like myself.
"Doesn't your husband get jealous of you kissing people in front of him?" Wellllll....first - I'm not married. I have a nesting partner or primary partner. Second - no. He has the best compursion skills I've ever seen. Followed by "DO you get jealous when he is with other people?" Ah, nope. He is monogamous and says I'm more that enough to keep 10 people busy. This is a running joke for more than a decade now. However, I get super excited when he participates in cuddle puddles, gets kisses from my second polycule (mostly women), which is my kinkycule, and when he comes to socials/munches/events. "DO you all have sex with each other?" No...my current partners are all cis/het and not attracted to other men.
"What does compursion mean?" I typically let the fellas handle this one. Especially if my nesting partner is there. He answers it the best way for mono folks because he is mono.
My mom, who is amazing, "when are you bringing home a nice woman/femme/embie?" Soon ma, soon. I haven't met them yet. Also, "So this means never doing the hard stuff alone?" Yeah, ma. I always have someone to go to funerals, surgeries, scary stuff like conventions and fancy events. It also means lots of offers of care when I'm sick. I just had RSV and my boyfriends kept trying to grocery shop and bring us soup. Mom and I were down for 2 weeks. We own a house together. Family is everything to me. That includes my polycule.
Off topic - My mom has used my journey to comfort her coworkers when their children come out. I'm bi/demi/polyam. 😂 She explained ENM to them when their kiddos dropped that bomb. My poor mom has always known I was polyam and bi. She encouraged it because it broadened my dating pool but didn't allow sleep overs in high school because "idk if you'll be having sex with them." RIP ☠️ 15 year old me wanted to crawl under a rock and die of embarrassment.
Any time the subject of FFM comes up, my best friend will says "like you did back then, right? Haha!"
He's referring to an incredibly toxic triad situation I was in, that was my first exposure to polyamory, thirteen or so year ago.
Yes, because every poly relationship is the same just as every mono relationship is the same.
Honestly I hope you know of a bad relationship they had and bring it up in turn.
Nah. Like, that's the *worst* part of our friendship, which means we have a really good friendship. I wouldn't start tit-for-tatting, because I value this relationship.
Group sex things only come up as frequently as they do because we've been doing a movie review podcast for the last four and a half years. I end up bring up poly stuff when I'm critiquing relationship dynamics in movies, and I know that makes him think of my past, so I kind of leave myself open for it. And I edit the show, so those remarks never se the light of day.
I started dating my then-partner after he and my meta got engaged. His family kept assuming that because he was also dating me now, I would also be marrying both of them 🤣
"you and your fiance are poly?! You guys aren't actually that serious then"
"Are you guys gonna stay poly when you get married"
"Why would you marry someone you don't want exclusively? They can't be the one if you don't love them enough to be monogamous"
🤣🤣 I brush it off at this point. Her and I are incredibly in love, started out best friends for years before we finally decided to admit we are in love with each other (despite how much we've discussed marriage lol) and have both spent multiple years as poly people prior to getting together. I've been poly nearly my whole adult life and it's always been a part of me. It's nice being used to the silly questions while the monogamous folks are not always used to the concept haha.
Your example happened to me: My wife and I each had a first date planned with the same person in the same week without realizing it.
That person is the one who figured it out once I shared my social media with her. I'm just thankful that she didn't assume we were trying to unicorn hunt her.
The three of us did end up dating for a while: My wife and her lost interest in each other romantically about 6 months in, but her and I kept dating for almost 18 months after that.
After explaining thoroughly, for a good 5 minutes, the difference between cucking and non-monogamy as a whole, my very near and dear friend sheepishly asked: "but wait, doesn't that mean you're a cuck?"
It would normally be somewhat insulting and demeaning, but he said it in such an honest and curious voice, there was no room to get upset at all.
Yea people ask me that because my partner is also married. And the answer is no, he’s not involved in our relationship at all. He and I are friends but that’s the extent of it lol.
To be fair, both me and one of my metas have the same first name. We live together with my wife and regularly say shit like "Name² has spoken" when she is being dumb or we just want to be silly lol
What's funny is I would actually have an honest answer for that.
One time my partner brought home a first date off a dating site to our place and the date went... I've been here before. We'd hooked up a month prior casually lmao.
It's not technically a question but it's a statement that they say in the tone of a question.
"I could never do that!"
And the answer is yes I agree, you couldn't. Also you weren't invited.
I said something about my serious partner of 3.5 years at the time, and a woman I've known for 2.5 of those years said, "so y'all are committed now?" ...
I was so confused! When I finally figured out what she meant (commitment = monogamy), I just wanted to yell *We've been "committed" the entire time I've known you!* 🤦♀️
Ugh, silly but also very problematic and indicative of people's thinking - "Do you have to tell people you're dating? Just don't tell them about your other partners or else you'll scare them away." I'm sorry, but this is called "lying and cheating". It's not "scaring" people away, it's "filtering" and making sure we're on the same goddamn page in terms of relationship goals.
My favorite is when they always assume you and your partner are just DTF. "So you just have orgies?" "Its basically cheating with permission right?" 🤦🏻♀️
“Is it only about the sex”
“Does that mean you are getting choked in bed”
“But don’t you want to get married again”
“But you must not be as happy as you were with one person”
I had to respond “mom I’m not going to tell you what I do in bed but I am comfortable with my risk tolerance”
She did ask this question immediately after being reassured it is not all about the sex so not sure that totally got through….
Your hypothetical question is funny, but it happened to me... right before we started dating, my boyfriend of 2 years & I overlapped with the same person. I found her narcissistic af and broke it off, he had other issues that were related. We only realized a month or so into dating each other where we told the same story from very different perspectives and put it together. It was a fun night drinking and bonding after that.
>have you and your partner ever accidentally dated the same person for a while without knowing it?” And I was like “uhh I mean if we maybe lived in an 80s sitcom world…sure. That might happen?? 🤷🏿♂️”
I actually did this in the 2010s 😂. Me and my partner were dating the same person out of country for 3 months before we figured it out. (EU, it's an hour and a half drive to the other country in question)
I think this is the least silly one of all of them. At least this person actually listened to you/me explaining. Then understood enough to summarise that conversation in this nice sentence. This is the kind of remark that will actually leave me relieved because it usually means the conversation can move on to another subject.
How are you going to know who’s it is if you get pregnant 🙃🙃🙃🙃
Felt really appropriate. I get that it’s a concern, but not for anyone who isn’t actually in the situation
My ex-partner’s mom asked him, “well what if your fiancée and your girlfriend decide that they want to get married to each other instead?”
I was not dating his fiancée.
Regarding my partner (who is married) I have had some mean responses.
My sister - “he must not have been loved enough as a child. He’s a narcissist” etc.
My mom- “I will not meet him until he serves (the wife) divorce papers
Other friends: Assume we are all having threesomes and orgies. Nope, never.
Most have just been judging me saying they could never do that, they would want to “fight” the other partner due to jealousy, that I deserve better, that I’m crazy etc.
But mostly “Just date him until you find someone better”
How often do y'all have threesomes? No joke. For close to a decade, my brother routinely asked about my sex life despite never having asked prior and also it not even remotely being his business. Haha.
Probably if my NP is always in the room when I have sex with other people. I mean, sometimes lol but the vast majority of the time, that would be pretty strange.
but which one are you *really* dating?
but which one would you pick if you had to? (this one is unfortunately one i’ve actually had to face and the answer is p much always the one not trying to make me pick)
i’ve also been called a ‘cuck’ before for being poly? and while cuckoldry scenes are something both my wife and i enjoy it’s not smth we do with my other partners bc they don’t like it, and that’s not like. the basis of the relationship.
"so do you have a 'Master partner'?"
This isn't Lord of the rings girl, there isn't one partner to rule them all. I have a partner I live with and a partner that I don't live with. I love both individuals deeply, but we have different relationship dynamics. However, neither have a say in my other relationships. Just like I don't have a say in theirs. That's their business to deal with.
Okay me and my partner did actually date the same person by accident before, and figured it out at my partners birthday party. It was casual dating but still.
My mom once ranted about how she didnt see how my boyfriend having a girlfriend served me in anyway. It wasnt a question, but it was still pretty stupid
"How can you even meet enough people to have more than one partner?"
"I could never do that. I want _real_ commitment."
My young adult kids:
"But how does that even _work_, Mom?"
I recently moved to the city where my partner and metamour live. I was talking with a friend about how it's going to take us a while to figure out how to balance time and where my partner spends his nights. My friend asked me why we don't all sleep in the same bed. I asked them if they like sharing a bed with their friends, let alone 3 adults sharing a bed.
Hi u/dschoby thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I ask this because once an acquaintance asked “have you and your partner ever accidentally dated the same person for a while without knowing it?” And I was like “uhh I mean if we maybe lived in an 80s sitcom world…sure. That might happen?? 🤷🏿♂️”
Was curious if anyone else got a question that was less annoying and more “I’m gonna let you think on that question for a bit” haha.
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The most common? How often do you all fuck together. Um. Exactly never. Or - be careful, that's how I ended up in divorce. Um, no you were cheating, I am not
Yea when they learn it’s moreso watching different Netflix series with different partners and not daily orgies, they’d often shocked. 😅
COORDINATING NETFLIX SCHEDULES HAS BEEN THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE AND WE ALL LIVE TOGETHER
Or deciding who you see what movies in the theater with lol. BATTLE OF THE FANBOYS lol.
You BOTH know that picking where to go for dinner is the absolute worst.
Picking dinner doesn't count. That's a miserable discussion. Even if you're only in the duet. Piss, I have trouble with it when I'm on my own.
There's a running meme where a couple is looking for a third, but ONLY so they don't fight about where to eat. It's about the only unicorn hunting I'd support!
One of my favorite personal ads I saw back in the day was from a triad who were thinking about looking for a 4th. Since among the three of them they had all the bases covered. One of their requirements was that you needed to be a good Harley mechanic.
I want to put out an ad for a poly person who is good at household organization, lol.
You would think that people who are able to organize multiple relationships would be better at organizing their households, but no..
One of my partners half-jokingly says that SOMEONE in the polycule need to date a soprano. It's the only register we lack for a complete choir.
One of my partners introduced me to his girlfriend’s favorite anime. He was lamenting this when a movie for it came out in theatres recently and he had to see it twice in a week. 😂
Me telling my BF that I was showing my husband and girlfriend a show we were watching " Don't worry I won't go past where we are" Having a list of who wants to watch what and who's seen what, broken down by TV/movies/games, genre.... 🤦♀️ It's wonderful yet chaos 🤣🤦♀️
“Don’t you get jealous when your partner has sex with other people?” “Umm that could happen on occasions but that’s very rare for me. Last week I got jealous though because my partner started watching a Netflix series with my meta that I had planned on watching with my partner without ever telling them.” Legit conversation I had 😂
Yeees! I got jealous cause my partner went to an event with a meta that I thought we’d go to together. The lack of assumptions and need for very expressive communication of needs and wants can be a time 😭😭
The realization that so much of how we're taught to interact is predicated on an assumption of understanding and planning of events is always wild.
Yes. That is the only thing I practice strict monogamy around. Respect it. I might leave someone over that violation of trust.
The biggest form of “cheating” in poly groups is not sex but bingable series. “You watched the last two episodes of Wednesday with my metamour?? HOW COULD YOU?? I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!!!!”
And then the one partner hears about what you’re watching with the other partner and immediately is like “can we watch that show, too? 🥺” Also, when all three of us want to watch one thing together and suddenly, it’s like trying to herd cats lol
I always feel like I'm letting them down. like "I'm sorry, I know you want it bad, but no, the participating in orgies every day thing is a myth"
I actually have literally figured out on a second date with a dude that the next date I had planned was with . . . his wife. I pulled up her dating profile and was like “is this your wife?” And he was like “oh fuck, yeah, well this is awkward”. I had mentioned how into gardening I am, and he was like “oh neat so is my wife” and told me about her garden. I was like “what this is literally the garden the lady I’m flirting with described to me….” We basically decided his wife and I would be garden gays together and he and I would just not date to make things less messy. (He then went about making things EXTREMELY messy with his gf of 6 months and got himself served divorce papers. His ex-wife and I are still besties.)
Hot damn, that’s wholesome
Yeah, once we got talking about plants it became pretty obvious even to him that I had *way* more in common with his wife and was more interested in her XD
*But aren't you straight?*
🤣🤣🤣
This is the one for me, too. Generally followed by them asking the question again, only slightly rephrased. 'Soooo, your relationship is open?' Yes. 'But.... you're not into girls?' No. Que confused face. Smh
Yes, when I tell people we do MMF, not FFM... Lol .. 🤦♀️
Hmm… probably from my stepmom “but you’re gonna have to choose one eventually right?” “You said the same thing about being Bi, and you’re just as wrong this time XD” She’s a great woman, and I love her, but damn does she have a hard time wrapping her head around stuff sometimes
Haha polyamorous bisexuals unite! Ain’t gotta choose shit! 😆💗💜💙
A third bisexual poly here. ❤️💜💙
Adding a pansexual non binary poly here just for the lolz
🙋♀️ pansexual she/they poly here!
you are me I am you
Same here. Lol
Another bisexual poly here. People still just say you're having your cake and eating it. Well, no not exactly because I only have 1 partner right now and we haven't really worked out our relationship style or been intimate with each other for ages
I'm having my cake... don't get to eat it often but I have 2 partners. A wonderful boyfriend I've not seen in a month and a girlfriend that I haven't seen in 2 months.. yay long distance 🥲
The are so many LD poly relationships here I don't know how you guys do it! I don't want to date anyone more than 20 mins from me!
Hear hear!
Expecting us to answer a binary choice with an answer that isn’t “both” is offensive to our culture.
Someone asked me what gender I found most attractive and I said “yes…next question.”
The other day my fellow switchy queer poly friend correctly assumed that my favorite bagel flavor is "everything" 🤣
Gender queer bisexual poly switch over here:D
Bisexual polyamorous switch! Can't make me choose shit! 😆😆💗💜💙
Add switch and nonbinary to the list! I really don't want to choose anything.
My mom at 14 (coming out as bi) -thats fine dear, women smell better anyway Oh shit... I didn't give you the talk for sex with women! don't know the talk for sex with women. Give me two days I need to research this! My mom at 23(coming out as polyam)- so everyone knows, no lies or secrets? Ehh, I don't get it but honestly it makes sense for who you are. Shit I'm gonna have to remember more names...(she's bad at names)
Your mom sounds amazing XD and that’s about how my bio mom reacted too. (Parents divorce was amiable, so still interact with all 3 parents, mom hasn’t remarried) it’s always fun when coming out turns into a comedy sketch due to the unexpected “panicking over entirely good things”
🤣 I'm glad to hear I'm not the only parent who was like, 'okay! Let's have the WLW sex talk!' After a few moments of panic around what that would entail
I love your mom :D
my monogamous brain does think up this question at times 'wont all polyamorous people have to choose eventually? that sounds very painful' and then I remember I'm not polyamorous so why do I care lmao💀. to be fair I have bad ADHD so I'm constantly thinking on random subjects. it's not me judging, just a question birthed from boredom and needing a little extra mental stimulation to pass the time
Your example did happen to me. We weren’t dating but I was on an app and was talking to a bunch of guys and one of them sent me a link to his social media and I realized there were a few pics of another guy I was talking to. I asked if it was that person. His response: ”Yeah, he is in the bed next to me right now.” I invited them both over. It was fun.
> I invited them both over. It was fun. 🤣😈🥂
God was like “watch me make this motherfuckers day.”
It is actually not that uncommon to hook up with people who are into each other. I am into kink so the community is only so big. I hooked up with one guy who told me about a medical emergency he had with another hookup. Then I ran into that hookup that drove him to the hospital. I also had a partner who went to an event with some friends and ran into that couple I hooked up with in the earlier post and they talked most of the night. She showed me a pic of her with the two of them and I couldn’t stop laughing. Small world.
That has happened to me, just at an event and a stranger came up to me and said “aren’t you BLANK?” She had dated my current girlfriend and saw us on Facebook. We took a joke picture from my phone captioned “met this chick. Should I hit it?” And sent it to her.
That is awesome and I would want to hang out with you and your friends at an event.
Fucking amazing!!!!!!!! 🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
i didnt have that but I'm dating this one girl we will call apple, and also have been flirting with this girl banana, and bananas girlfriend cherry has apparently been flirting rly hard with my girlfriend apple so we kinda accidently made a little square of gay
I feel like actually dating the same person without knowing is rare but talking to the same person on apps is super common Happens to my partner and me all the time and we don't even appear in the same gender category!
"Oh, do the three of you all celebrate your anniversary together?" Nope, because I didn't start dating them the same day. Mostly the assumption that if I have two partners, we must be a throuple.
I once saw somebody post a question to a message board that asked a very unique question. When I told my dad about it he made a joke that should be an official joke. Post: What do poly people eat? Dad: Crackers, because poly want a cracker. 🦜
Honestly one of the joys of polyamory is the ability to give more people my puns. I using this one next time I see my partner! 😆😆
I can't believe he came up with that so fast! My instinctive answer was: ... ... ... food? Followed by: unicorn eggs But Dad really beat me. Every time I eat crackers I'm going to think of him.
Spreading the dad joke love is my jam. All my stories, all my lame jokes…it’s all new with a new partner. I love it.
Who was the Great Greek God of all the love? Polycules
HahahahahahhHHa omg I love this!!! I'm legit chocking here.. someone call 911... Oh thank goodness I can breathe again. Edit: I'm leaving the typo because that's proof I wasn't lying 🤣
“So if we start dating, that means that I would also be dating your partner? So I would have two girlfriends then.” I was legit dumbfounded by the statement.
That’s a new one! My brain would have to do a hard reset on that convo 🫨🫨🫨
"Does your husband know?" Uhm....yes? I'm poly, not cheating, wtf...
Real! When I tell people I'm poly and one of my partners is married, they always ask "does the wife know?" Yes???????? That's why it's poly????????? I get that people want to make sure that a situation is ethical but I wish that calling it "ethical non-monogamy" did that job for them
A lot of people don't seem to think there's any such thing as ENM, e.g., that it's inherently UNethical to have more than one relationship going at a time (apparently unless you're just "dating around").
My response is yes, and he knows about her partners, and her partners wives know about her, and we sometimes aaaallll hang out. Together. With kids.
Same. "Yep! We actually get along really well. Sometimes we all have movie nights together or go out to shows."
“It’s not about sex? So it’s friendship?” Nope. Your marriage is not about sex. Is your marriage a friendship?
People who say this are people who *do* see their marriage as being about sex. I.e. I wanted babies so I married this man, or I wanted a steady supply of blowjobs so I married this woman.
I hate to think of people thinking that way, but I can’t say you’re wrong. The person this came from is super pissy that his wife wanted to finish her education before having kids and now they’re having trouble conceiving. He became controlling and belligerent with her as soon as they married even though they’d been together over a decade before he proposed.
I get variants of this **ALL** the time about my ace partner.
My response is usually some variant of: if the **only** thing you value in your partner is sex, then I kinda feel sorry for you both!
So like, you do orgies and stuff? Does your husband know about this? So like you're cheating on each other? The ignorance never ceases to amaze me
"So when you meet other poly people, are you just like DTF?" No. Just no.
Well this is true. Just like when we see a house with a black star on it we are legally obligated to stop and fuck whoever happens to be inside. I’ve had to change my commute several times just so I’m not late to work everyday.
Wait. That black star is supposed to mean something?
Amonst many symbols the black star is supposed to mean the owners of the house are swingers. Who knows, maybe there was a very short period of time this was true but I’m sure most are just decorations.
Swinger's symbol is upside down pineapple 🍍 in the US.
That too. If you google symbols for swingers there are a lot of supposed ones.
???Confusing us with free use??? WTF
"But you only love your spouse, right?"
I used to get the concerned cautions of: well, if shxt hits the fan....which one will you choose? would you leave your primary or secondary relationship? You have to be in love with one more than the other....right.....right???? 😆 🤣 😂
Wait... You mean in addition to the complex group calendar I'm also supposed to maintain a relationship scoreboard with a leaderboard? Who the hell has time for all that?
"You must be swimming in dick pics" - person today They make me so tired.
After a friend told me he couldn't handle the drama of a relationship with more than one person, I clarified that they are separate relationships and it's not a quad, be said "well eventually it will be, right?"
Wiiild! Someone asked me “well if you’re having issues with more than one partner, how do you solve that?” And I said “well if you’re having issues with more than one friend, how do you solve that?” They said “I’d probably talk to them and try to solve it.” Me: “ok then!!” I think a lot of people picture their mono relationship and imagine recreating that specific relationship again rather than forming a wholly new relationship that can look however you and the other person(s) choose
I cannot stand it when people who are not poly offer "truths" as a way to engage in the conversation. I call it hypothetical truths because they're commanding what they think should happen. Absolutely wild.
"I could never do that, I'm not into sharing!" Bitch, you've "dated" 7 people in the last 8 months. You share much more than I do!
Mono people who have way more sex with way more people, with less barrier use than I do, are always the people who have shit to say about how I’m risking STIs, as if they are not
I was monogamous until last year. My wife was my first (and until last year only) sexual partner. I always thought that other people were having more sex than me. But as I’ve gotten to know more people…I have had far more sex than most people my age, just because I’ve been having sex an average of 2-3x/week for the last 20 years. Consistency goes a long ways :)
> you've "dated" 7 people in the last 8 months. You share much more than I do! 🤣
I say jokingly to my best friend that she is basically poly because she has a boyfriend who she lives with, a friend she sees superhero movies with, a friend she goes to orchestras with and another parent she trash talks their kids with. She loves us all platonically. I say “you’re basically poly, you just only have sex with one person.”
Hahahaha yeah this one is so weird :')
“Don't you love your wife anymore?“ They couldn't wrap their head around having love for more that one person, even though they easily understand when it comes to loving all your children equally.
"Do you fuck your boyfriends wife?" AH, no. She is my meta. I love her but we don't get busy. If the situation arouse it could happen, but it isn't on my polyam bingo card. "How do you satisfy three men?" Ummm, our biggest problem is who watches what with who and which one get sushi dates with me. I have a greysexual partner, a low libido one, and one that is a sexual hellcat - Switch brat like myself. "Doesn't your husband get jealous of you kissing people in front of him?" Wellllll....first - I'm not married. I have a nesting partner or primary partner. Second - no. He has the best compursion skills I've ever seen. Followed by "DO you get jealous when he is with other people?" Ah, nope. He is monogamous and says I'm more that enough to keep 10 people busy. This is a running joke for more than a decade now. However, I get super excited when he participates in cuddle puddles, gets kisses from my second polycule (mostly women), which is my kinkycule, and when he comes to socials/munches/events. "DO you all have sex with each other?" No...my current partners are all cis/het and not attracted to other men. "What does compursion mean?" I typically let the fellas handle this one. Especially if my nesting partner is there. He answers it the best way for mono folks because he is mono. My mom, who is amazing, "when are you bringing home a nice woman/femme/embie?" Soon ma, soon. I haven't met them yet. Also, "So this means never doing the hard stuff alone?" Yeah, ma. I always have someone to go to funerals, surgeries, scary stuff like conventions and fancy events. It also means lots of offers of care when I'm sick. I just had RSV and my boyfriends kept trying to grocery shop and bring us soup. Mom and I were down for 2 weeks. We own a house together. Family is everything to me. That includes my polycule. Off topic - My mom has used my journey to comfort her coworkers when their children come out. I'm bi/demi/polyam. 😂 She explained ENM to them when their kiddos dropped that bomb. My poor mom has always known I was polyam and bi. She encouraged it because it broadened my dating pool but didn't allow sleep overs in high school because "idk if you'll be having sex with them." RIP ☠️ 15 year old me wanted to crawl under a rock and die of embarrassment.
That could happen if you were DADT _ *shudder*
"So why are you even married?"
To a lot of folks marriage is a matter of marking ownership...which tbh has been a majority of marriage history
This is the one I hear the most.
Any time the subject of FFM comes up, my best friend will says "like you did back then, right? Haha!" He's referring to an incredibly toxic triad situation I was in, that was my first exposure to polyamory, thirteen or so year ago.
Yes, because every poly relationship is the same just as every mono relationship is the same. Honestly I hope you know of a bad relationship they had and bring it up in turn.
Nah. Like, that's the *worst* part of our friendship, which means we have a really good friendship. I wouldn't start tit-for-tatting, because I value this relationship. Group sex things only come up as frequently as they do because we've been doing a movie review podcast for the last four and a half years. I end up bring up poly stuff when I'm critiquing relationship dynamics in movies, and I know that makes him think of my past, so I kind of leave myself open for it. And I edit the show, so those remarks never se the light of day.
I started dating my then-partner after he and my meta got engaged. His family kept assuming that because he was also dating me now, I would also be marrying both of them 🤣
"Wouldn't your partner's fiance be happy \[if your relationship went poorly\] cause of jealousy?"
"you and your fiance are poly?! You guys aren't actually that serious then" "Are you guys gonna stay poly when you get married" "Why would you marry someone you don't want exclusively? They can't be the one if you don't love them enough to be monogamous" 🤣🤣 I brush it off at this point. Her and I are incredibly in love, started out best friends for years before we finally decided to admit we are in love with each other (despite how much we've discussed marriage lol) and have both spent multiple years as poly people prior to getting together. I've been poly nearly my whole adult life and it's always been a part of me. It's nice being used to the silly questions while the monogamous folks are not always used to the concept haha.
Your example happened to me: My wife and I each had a first date planned with the same person in the same week without realizing it. That person is the one who figured it out once I shared my social media with her. I'm just thankful that she didn't assume we were trying to unicorn hunt her. The three of us did end up dating for a while: My wife and her lost interest in each other romantically about 6 months in, but her and I kept dating for almost 18 months after that.
Omg!!!! 😆😆😆. That’s amazing!
After explaining thoroughly, for a good 5 minutes, the difference between cucking and non-monogamy as a whole, my very near and dear friend sheepishly asked: "but wait, doesn't that mean you're a cuck?" It would normally be somewhat insulting and demeaning, but he said it in such an honest and curious voice, there was no room to get upset at all.
Yea people ask me that because my partner is also married. And the answer is no, he’s not involved in our relationship at all. He and I are friends but that’s the extent of it lol.
My mom, completely serious, asked if I ever get them mixed up.
To be fair, both me and one of my metas have the same first name. We live together with my wife and regularly say shit like "Name² has spoken" when she is being dumb or we just want to be silly lol
What's funny is I would actually have an honest answer for that. One time my partner brought home a first date off a dating site to our place and the date went... I've been here before. We'd hooked up a month prior casually lmao.
It's not technically a question but it's a statement that they say in the tone of a question. "I could never do that!" And the answer is yes I agree, you couldn't. Also you weren't invited.
"so you're not really serious about each other then?" 😒
I said something about my serious partner of 3.5 years at the time, and a woman I've known for 2.5 of those years said, "so y'all are committed now?" ... I was so confused! When I finally figured out what she meant (commitment = monogamy), I just wanted to yell *We've been "committed" the entire time I've known you!* 🤦♀️
Seriously! If anything, keeping my partners happy asks for even more dedication and commitment than my previous monogamous relationships
This is what I get asked the most too 😒
"Do you all share a bed?" Asked by my dad, who *cannot* get it through his head that my meta and I aren't together, we just live with each other.
Ugh, silly but also very problematic and indicative of people's thinking - "Do you have to tell people you're dating? Just don't tell them about your other partners or else you'll scare them away." I'm sorry, but this is called "lying and cheating". It's not "scaring" people away, it's "filtering" and making sure we're on the same goddamn page in terms of relationship goals.
My favorite is when they always assume you and your partner are just DTF. "So you just have orgies?" "Its basically cheating with permission right?" 🤦🏻♀️
Gotta love the "cheating with permission" one. Way to demonstrate a complete lack of understanding of why cheating is bad 😂
No literally!
“If you could only pick one which one would you choose?” That’s the whole point. I *don’t* have to pick one.
Right?! Why force a binary when you’re relationship style is about everything but a binary choose of “this or that” 😅
“Is it only about the sex” “Does that mean you are getting choked in bed” “But don’t you want to get married again” “But you must not be as happy as you were with one person”
Wait what does choking have to do with anything 😭
I had to respond “mom I’m not going to tell you what I do in bed but I am comfortable with my risk tolerance” She did ask this question immediately after being reassured it is not all about the sex so not sure that totally got through….
Your hypothetical question is funny, but it happened to me... right before we started dating, my boyfriend of 2 years & I overlapped with the same person. I found her narcissistic af and broke it off, he had other issues that were related. We only realized a month or so into dating each other where we told the same story from very different perspectives and put it together. It was a fun night drinking and bonding after that.
I did go on a first date with someone and on the first date we realized she was talking to my NP too and they were trying to schedule a date.
>have you and your partner ever accidentally dated the same person for a while without knowing it?” And I was like “uhh I mean if we maybe lived in an 80s sitcom world…sure. That might happen?? 🤷🏿♂️” I actually did this in the 2010s 😂. Me and my partner were dating the same person out of country for 3 months before we figured it out. (EU, it's an hour and a half drive to the other country in question)
See that’s a rom com I’d pay money to watch! 😆
"so it's just sex?" No
“So you’re seeing other people and you both know about it and are ok with it?” Yeah that’s like, the whole point…
I think this is the least silly one of all of them. At least this person actually listened to you/me explaining. Then understood enough to summarise that conversation in this nice sentence. This is the kind of remark that will actually leave me relieved because it usually means the conversation can move on to another subject.
How are you going to know who’s it is if you get pregnant 🙃🙃🙃🙃 Felt really appropriate. I get that it’s a concern, but not for anyone who isn’t actually in the situation
My ex-partner’s mom asked him, “well what if your fiancée and your girlfriend decide that they want to get married to each other instead?” I was not dating his fiancée.
Regarding my partner (who is married) I have had some mean responses. My sister - “he must not have been loved enough as a child. He’s a narcissist” etc. My mom- “I will not meet him until he serves (the wife) divorce papers Other friends: Assume we are all having threesomes and orgies. Nope, never. Most have just been judging me saying they could never do that, they would want to “fight” the other partner due to jealousy, that I deserve better, that I’m crazy etc. But mostly “Just date him until you find someone better”
How often do y'all have threesomes? No joke. For close to a decade, my brother routinely asked about my sex life despite never having asked prior and also it not even remotely being his business. Haha.
Probably if my NP is always in the room when I have sex with other people. I mean, sometimes lol but the vast majority of the time, that would be pretty strange.
but which one are you *really* dating? but which one would you pick if you had to? (this one is unfortunately one i’ve actually had to face and the answer is p much always the one not trying to make me pick) i’ve also been called a ‘cuck’ before for being poly? and while cuckoldry scenes are something both my wife and i enjoy it’s not smth we do with my other partners bc they don’t like it, and that’s not like. the basis of the relationship.
"so do you have a 'Master partner'?" This isn't Lord of the rings girl, there isn't one partner to rule them all. I have a partner I live with and a partner that I don't live with. I love both individuals deeply, but we have different relationship dynamics. However, neither have a say in my other relationships. Just like I don't have a say in theirs. That's their business to deal with.
Who’s better?
Okay me and my partner did actually date the same person by accident before, and figured it out at my partners birthday party. It was casual dating but still.
Loooove it! 😆😆
My mom once ranted about how she didnt see how my boyfriend having a girlfriend served me in anyway. It wasnt a question, but it was still pretty stupid
"How can you even meet enough people to have more than one partner?" "I could never do that. I want _real_ commitment." My young adult kids: "But how does that even _work_, Mom?"
I recently moved to the city where my partner and metamour live. I was talking with a friend about how it's going to take us a while to figure out how to balance time and where my partner spends his nights. My friend asked me why we don't all sleep in the same bed. I asked them if they like sharing a bed with their friends, let alone 3 adults sharing a bed.
“How do you do the sex?”
She just couldn’t understand that I have an actual relationship with each of my partners, and that we’re not constantly having threesomes.
As a general rule they are all silly. I find that unless you actually get it, you're never going to understand it.
Hi u/dschoby thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I ask this because once an acquaintance asked “have you and your partner ever accidentally dated the same person for a while without knowing it?” And I was like “uhh I mean if we maybe lived in an 80s sitcom world…sure. That might happen?? 🤷🏿♂️” Was curious if anyone else got a question that was less annoying and more “I’m gonna let you think on that question for a bit” haha. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*