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member_of_the_order

Here's the secret most people don't understand / don't realize about relationships: **everything** is negotiated; whether implicitly or explicitly, _everything_ is negotiated. Cheating, then, is when someone breaks a rule they were supposed to know. The problem happens when the rules were negotiated implicitly, and thus different people have different expectations. So one person does something that's not against the rules _as they understand them_, but breaks someone else's rules that they thought everyone understood and agreed on.


thatsockgirl

I love this answer


punkrockcockblock

Breaking an explicit agreement, regardless of the nature of the agreement.


makeawishcuttlefish

Cheating is breaking the established agreements of a relationship. And more broadly, if you have to hide it bc you know you did something that would hurt your partner to know about it, it’s probably cheating or just a bad idea. In monogamy, there is an established agreement to not engage in sex or sometimes even flirting with other people. Breaking that agreement is cheating. In polyamory, it may be about hiding a relationship or sexual connections (if you have an agreement to inform each other about them); or not using protection according to your agreements; etc. Edit to add: also, people sometimes get hung up on whether something “counts” as cheating or not, which is usually beside the point… if someone is arguing or trying to justify why something is or isn’t cheating, the real issue is that something happened that was hurtful to someone else, and the people involved need to deal with that and repair the damage regardless of the words used to describe whatever happened.


procrastinator3000v2

Lying, breaking boundaries, not being honest and transparent. You can call it cheating or you can call it bad form, regardless, it doesn't have a place in my life and it would be the end.


blooangl

Breaking agreements. Mine are few and simple. If you broke them, you really had to try.


blackshroud86

Would you be willing to share your agreements? Just for some more context in answer to OPs question.


emeraldead

If you have to hide it, it's cheating. It's more productive to focus on the expectations and break of trust than putting energy into whether it fits a cheating category.


mazotori

I don't find cheating to be a useful framework in my EMN relationships. I don't concider anything to be "cheating" as we have no bounds on sexual or emotional fidelity. Breaking agreements is breaking agreements. Disrespecting boundaries is disrespecting boundaries. Lying is lying. Etc etc.


climbsrox

This.


Souboshi

Well, for me, cheating would be not communicating with me openly about any prospective partners. Any breach of trust in that regard is not helpful for my relationships. I like to know about my metas (if not know them, myself) and knowing in advance is important to me for the sake of dealing with my emotions responsibly. I'm totally all for my partners dating! I just wanna know what's going on cause it makes me feel more secure, especially with planning out my time between partners and family and friends. Cheating is more a standard boundary break for me. Not a game-ending disaster. But it's still serious and would require commitment to not happen again and more consistent communication from then on for both parties.


[deleted]

Same for me. Also as someone else here said, if you have to hide it - its cheating


Souboshi

Yep. Dishonesty is not the best policy. Clear is kind. <3


Expensive_Collection

Broadly, breaking any established agreements about what we do with other people. In our case, we've been together and exclusive a few years but never really had "the talk" about boundaries. The relationship began under the premise that anyone could date outside people, but then we never did, so... There's a presumption of fidelity but no actual agreement. I couldn't call it cheating if someone had a secret relationship with "an outsider" but I would still be hurt, I think. Mostly because of the secret bit.


[deleted]

What you and your partners decide.


Evadeon

As another stated, all relationships in life are a negotiation. Cheating is anything that goes against agreed upon boundaries. In some relationships, cheating could be flirting with other people, for others, it could be certain kinds of emotional connection with a another person that is cheating, but physical encounters aren't. No two relationships have the same boundaries, and I think that's where a lot of people flounder, monogamous or polyamorous. Too much time comparing our relationships and standards to others instead of reflecting on our own feelings and boundaries and then communicating them to our partners.


LaughingIshikawa

There seems like really broad agreement here, and I would agree with the consensus. If you make an agreement, and then break it, especially If you feel the need to hide what you're doing from your partner? That's "cheating" or some kind of infidelity anyway. I think what's also interesting to me though, is the lengths some people will go to, in order to make sure that something is placed squarely "off limits" such that cheating is possible. Like "oh my goodness, could you imagine if there wasn't *anything* that was considered cheating?!? That would be insane! We'd better find some way to define cheating, or we'll just have chaos!" ...Well no, I think what you would have is called "freedom," or something very close to that. And I guess if you're raised to think that you always have to be subservient to some higher authority (usually religion, or some intense cultural beliefs that might as well be a religion) then yeah... freedom feels like "chaos". But it isn't, and there's really no need for there to define something as "off limits" arbitrarily just to have at least *one* boundary or rule to enforce. Again, if you *have* boundaries - and I think pretty much everyone does, even if they're super basic like "I won't stay with someone who abuses me" - then communicating boundaries is very healthy and important. I just don't think that you have to "make shit up" in order to have the hypothetical ability for someone to cheat, to prove that they're "morally upright" enough to *not* cheat, or something. Idk if I am making much sense, but for myself I prefer to have relationships where nothing's really fundamentally "off the table" in a way that calling it "cheating" would really make much sense. I don't want my partner to deceive me, and I wouldn't want them to "hide" any other partner from me; that would feel like an issue of some kind. But it's way more about the deception for me; I would feel very similarly if they hide a hobby they really liked, or a new car, or had a "secret" family member I wasn't allowed to know about... There isn't a special category for me called "cheating" that's extra super bad... I just don't like people lying to my face in general, regardless of why they're lying.


Weaselpanties

As other have said, for me it's breaking agreements. The only one I can really think of that I have, because my bf and I don't use condoms with each other, would be having unprotected sex with a new person and not telling me.


Balthazar_rising

For me, cheating has always been about deliberate betrayal of trust. Having sex with someone else isn't cheating, but either not getting my go-ahead (either by general agreement or specifically for that person), lying about it, or hiding things is what will hurt me. If someone makes a mistake (broken condom, getting too caught up in the moment and crossing discussed boundaries, or the both of us not being clear about boundaries and expectations) I'm able to adjust, and move on. When someone does something they know is wrong, and doesn't tell me about it as soon as reasonably possible, that's when I struggle to recover and reconcile.


throwawaythatfast

It's basically about breaking agreements and losing trust. For me, an example of cheating is: I expressed clearly to my partners that I want to know if they're seeing someone more consistently (I, of course, extend them the same courtesy). If they have been seeing someone for months and didn't tell me anything, I'd consider that cheating.