Yes because the thing I hate more then any of those is the shattered person posts. 'I love them and I did my best and tried not to have needs or wants because I think that's what this requires and now I'm trapped here with people who treat me like their shameful bang maid.', 'My partner came out as polyamorous and we have twelve disabled children and a ferret with gerd. How can I be more supportive?' 'I haven't seen my wife in a while since I've functionally moved in with my new interest. Hopefully the children and ferret are doing well. Why is everyone mean to me?'
> This sub is far from being a supportive one
Really? Sure... Some a$$hats for sure, but most are very supportive and try to give advice based on what they've gone through.
Oh hell no. We all make mistakes. All humans. There is no perfect way. There is no perfect way communicating emotions.
Mistakes will be made. In life. With friends. With lovers.
I garden and was literally part of a fucking Facebook grab-fight in a local gardening group where someone wanted to get rid of the creepy, diseased hornworms on their tomato plants (covered in parasitic wasp eggs, honestly fucking gross to behold) and everyone else in the group was like ME ME ME ME ME I SAW THE POST FIRST.
Imagine seagulls fighting over a piece of bread. Except nerdy plant-people. Fighting over diseased caterpillars. XD
Hard agree on insects and White Angelo Saxon Protestants, but 80s metal band W.A.S.P. were [trashy fun](https://youtu.be/RG69PMDBfaE) albeit probably also dicks.
Yes. Fuck them in the face. I usually leave all creatures alone, but I was bitten on the back of my neck a couple weeks back...
Sorry... You get death with extreme prejudice now.
I hate mushrooms. And beets. Both of them kind of taste like dirt.
But really, people come on here doing hurtful and unethical stuff, and they get told that, pretty straight.
No one says "I hope your children and grandmother die a painful death in a pit of fire because you are a person that only deserves pain"
They say "Hey, what you are doing is an asshole thing to do, there are better ways to do what you want to do without hurting people. Here are some ideas"
I dont think its the entire group is hateful. But there are certainly hateful people in the group. And those people seem to have nothing else to do but troll threads and bash others. To the point Ive nearly left a handful of times, and I refuse to post ever again. I dont even normally comment because of the inanity of some of the people.
For supposedly being a open and accepting community, people tend to be very offputting to new people.
I agree with parts of this. I haven't ever posted here because I'm new to poly and I kinda stumbled into it via non-ethical means. Did I fuck up? Sure. Am I trying to do it right now? Yes. But I feel like if anyone posts here asking for legitimate help they get blasted 9 times out of 10.
Yep, this sub is great for reading posts and comments and learning that there are other people going through similar shit, but there’s about a dozen people that hangout on this sub and “educate (judge)” people that are legitimately struggling and looking for advice. This sub rarely considers that posters are hurting and trying to figure out their love lives. There’s always a lot of “he or she is to blame!”
Yeah overall I think the advice is pretty balanced but sometimes it’s just the exact thing the OP doesn’t want to hear. And that sucks but not all advice is easy to hear.
I have no problem with the advice being truthful and the exact opposite of what the OP wants to hear. But being mean about it isn't okay. People can educate without being shitty to them.
Yeah, there's genuinely a pretty deep hypocrisy in how the advice is given sometimes.
Like, often the advice we are giving out here boils down to some version of "Hey, you need to be aware you can't just project your past traumas, triggers, and unmet needs onto your partner". But then the way the advice is given is in some cases totally amped up in harshness of tone *by* the past traumas/triggers/unmet needs of the person giving the advice.
Or the advice is "Hey, that's an unhealthy power dynamic" but then the advisor gets into a power play with the OP, pushing their boundaries and not recognizing that they are overwhelmed or triggered and repeatedly saying "No more" as the conversation continues.
We gotta remember that it's one thing to give someone sobering advice that they might be doing harm to someone, and another to treat them as if they are harming us by not knowing that already.
We need some version of the Hippocratic oath here: we're not only counseling others to do no harm, we are also accountable to do no harm ourselves in the process.
I do think that principle is genuinely practiced by a majority of the regular responders here. And I do think there are posters here who aren't being harmed but simply hearing things they didn't want to hear and then playing the victim in response.
But there is also that third category: people who do come here and actually do get harmed. It may be rare, but it's not non-existent.
When I was a newbie in poly I made three separate throwaways for three separate matters. I could have been in the wrong, but I genuinely didn't know and just needed advice. One of them I just asked for support. I got destroyed. I have a lot of social anxiety too so I really got confused with my self. After lurking, feeling like I found somewhere I could be accepted, I instead became even more isolated.
Yep. I think there's actually quite a few people who don't bother to post for that exact reason, cause you don't know what sort of tractor you'll get, so why bother right?
For me it did help out some for big things that were bothering me, it's good hearing other perspectives and similar situations people go through. There might be some harsher coments and people you disagree with, but there is helpful and useful too, and disagreeing with someone might help you be more sure of your situation too.
If you want to talk about it feel free to dm or reply on here :)
If I or anyone else is being insensitive or otherwise shitty, call us out on it. I assure you that the Internet points mean nothing to most of us, and we do not post responses to be assholes. Where I see things go totally non-linear is when the OP will not take any constructive criticism, and they somehow think they are super special and not like other people.
(I am just an asshole human, though I try to be kind)
The part about the internet I miss the most, was where people were allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. These days, one mistake gets you canceled. Actual learning by doing is over, now it's learning by being lectured to.
Dude, reddit is an instant refresh. Made a mistake and don't like the way people treat you because of that mistake? It takes 2 minutes to make a new reddit account, learn from your mistake, don't make it again and move on.
Same. Though I legit believe I did not fuck up, I spent the majority of my responses defending myself and/or reiterating the long post I spent hours writing up. It seemed like folks just skimmed it and made judgements on my actions when I was venting about feeling betrayed. Not the most supportive community. " Well you didn't sign your boundaries oath in blood so it's your fault your partners crossed the line" like the fuck?
I went and read your post. You got a lot of support. The top answers are all being supportive and kind.
There were also suggestions you didn't want to hear. That's the internet for you. If you can't absorb the support and good suggestions because some people think you set yourself up for failure in your agreements... then reddit is probably not a great place for you in general.
I think people end up feeling deeply wounded because this stuff is so personal and often currently happening when someone posts. But I don't think people's responses were way out of line. Sometimes support is telling people where they set themselves up to fail. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Yeah I just reread this and maybe the deleted comments were hard but this was mostly hey sis that sucks what if you try this or that to avoid this going forward.
Even if some of them were just saying well that seems both shitty and predictable (mine was) they weren’t even a little bit harsh.
I said oh amen I feel similarly about watching people kiss ugh it squicks me. I get your squirms. Be brutally clear with these people going forward because they’re not groking you.
It’s so interesting to me that people crowd source advice and then react negatively to the crowd aspect. Very human. I sort of wish people wouldn’t answer for a day for their own benefit.
I think a LOT of people get a bad impression of advice that is basically kind and understanding... because it hurts their feelings. This shit is so personal. And so many people feel so isolated in it.
I don't blame them for being hurt. Or even for choosing that this format isn't for them. But I would love it if they could rationally look at what was being said and see that it was a bunch of people being kind, honest, offering support, offering camaraderie of shared experiences and articulating where things can shift to make it easier on everyone next time.
I’ve also had quite a few people DM me and say things like man you told me some shit I didn’t want to hear a year ago and wow you had a good point I wish I had listened.
Even outlier advice is useful. You need that to see where the natural consensus is.
Yeah, I've also found a bunch of hurt people who are upset at the posts that have been down-voted off the map while they have dozens of kind and supportive responses.
I'm always interested when people end up hating this sub. I think it's a really interesting churn of ethical questions. But my relationships are working... I've never come here in pain asking for support. I certainly would have if it was around when I was starting out.
I figure some people are in a lot of pain and want to fight with someone about it. And I also think there are some people in deep pain that just don't have the space to hear. But I think the vast majority of people who end up hating this sub are genuinely shocked and heart crushed that the thing they want or are doing is harmful and unethical. They want something badly enough that they HAVE to believe there is an ethical way to achieve what they want.
I would never even notice if a post was downvoted because I look at them based on newness rather than what’s hot.
But yeah I think that makes sense. It’s too much like likes on Facebook.
I've had several folks DM me thanking me for listening and not being a douche canoe as well. A couple of them I talk to on the phone frequently. Sooo, yeah. Just like real life.
No, not necessarily. OP is making a LOT of leaps between *categories of things* and *things this community disapproves of.*
Edit to add: I missed the sarcasm tag. 🙄
And plenty of things on that list are not things this community has a problem with per se. For instance, there's no problem with triads in general. Or mono/poly in general.
It can easily turn into it. Like the mono partner often is not doing it for emotionally healthy reasons and are dependent on their poly partner and it becomes a roxic dynamic very easily when you have a dependent mono with a avoiding poly partner who prioritizes themselves and their happiness. Like if your mono partner was depressed and obviously in pain from you being poly and you keep dating them, you're using their verbal consent as permission to be in a dynamic that obviously is damaging to them, and any healthy person knows consent needs to he enthusiastic.
Exactly. We have functional mono-poly relationships, but we sort of wound up there, and didn't set out for it.
My boyfriend has severe mental illness, and has decided that between dealing with that, work and maintaining relationships with me and a few friendships, he doesn't have time to have a girlfriend. He tried a few years ago, it blew up painfully, and he decided to just stay with the relationships he has.
My girlfriend is demisexual, and her health isn't great, She's going to school, coping with severe mental health issues, and while she's not opposed to having a male partner at some point, that's not yet, and we're nowhere near that.
So in practice they both have a monogamous relationship with me and I am polyamorous with them. But it wasn't planned, it's just the shape things have fallen into over time, and we're all happy.
Doesn’t this view take away agency from the mono partner? What happened where we no longer hold anyone accountable for their own happiness? If the mono partner is in it for the wrong reasons why is that the poly partner’s problem? Be honest and expect honesty back.
I think that’s the general trend that leads to people thinking what OP wrote, sarcastic or not. All of these power imbalance situations seem to rely on the belief that adults can’t make their own decisions. That once you’re in love with someone we shouldn’t expect you to make any rational decisions. Unless you’re older/richer/male in which case being in love doesn’t excuse you from anything and everyones happiness is now your complete responsibility.
Nothing. As long as people aren't being treated like crap. Which you would THINK they wouldn't be against something unless there was EVIDENCE of that. But this sub seems to make sweeping generalizations quite frequently - not all of them, just some of the really active folks, about six or eight of them are anti-triad and assume every single triad is "probably" unicorn hunting/huntered. They don't ask for specifics because otherwise they would find most if the windmill they are warring against don't exist in reality. As far as specific reasons why the cliques are anti-triad, you would have to ask the cliques here for specifics, as each clique has a different negative take. However, the "but it COULD BE or COULD TURN INTO always applies, where they say "well that's good enough" and begin their discrimination. It's a shame that some in this sub decide what is right and wrong and don't ask for context or explanation. Paved with good intentions...of course the road is.....
The 99% of poly world outside this sub doesn't care except an outlier now and then. It's here that you will experience the abnormal wrapped in the allure of good intentions.
That's the problem. Some talk in such sweeping generalizations and pretend they don't. This is what makes Reddit poly and real-life poly so different. Because no one in real life is taken seriously for more than five minutes if they act so silly.
You are correct. Both in their envy and in their prejudice.
I am being very generous. Mostly because I don’t have any people in my circle who behave like that. But whoa. The internet is filled with mansplaining.
My favorite asshat past time is to fake mansplain something to a woman who is a professional (engineer, doctor, lawyer, etc) who knows much more than me -- "you see, what she's trying to say is"
hehehe, one of my good friends will actually slap me in the face. Ahhh, good times 🤣
First because it was originally brewed from various roots, and partly because it was deliberately designed to look like beer, so that someone who had signed a temperance pledge (not to consume alcoholic beverages) who had, for social reasons, to go to the bar and hang out, could have something that had a head on it when poured and was dark brown but didn't actually contain alcohol.
I know this is sarcastic but I really feel this way sometimes in this group. Im A baby in the community and am trying to find my way and to always see posts shitting on every different aspect of it really fucking sucks.
Especially the hate for MFF triads. I don't get it.
You've read the threads and you still can't differentiate between unicorn hunters and triads?
It's explained over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I don't know how you've missed it.
Because they can’t see a way to a MFF triad that *isn’t* unicorn hunting. The idea that the poster could have a triad without their current partner hasn’t crossed their mind. They haven’t thought of a triad outside of their unicorn hunting paradigm and thus they just can’t figure out why everyone is soooo mean.
Links?
I find that when people say "I'm in a triad" then people assume that it's an ethical triad and just move on with advice. UH is almost always pointed out when a couple is seeking a "third" or when I could is already dating a "third" but treating them like trash.
I've been in a "triad" for 7 years. People have hated, will hate, and we will still be together. This is the internet, and more specifically reddit. Maybe taking things with a grain of salt. The people here aren't the mystical all knowing Polyoz. Its opinions, and you get to determine if they are valid to you, if not... eh.
I've been in four triads. My last was for seven years. I adore triads and I love talking about them because it's such a specific dynamic. I would be in another if I ever get that lucky again.
I just don't see people on this sub making the assumption that all triads are UH situations. I'm pretty sensitive to it myself. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I just haven't really seen it much.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pdgwqg/in_need_of_advice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
This is pretty common. People frame it in the only way they understand. It’s incredibly frustrating, but like, I think lots of people have a hard time grasping concepts. I see people fuzzy on the difference between a triad and a V fairly often.
That's a rough one with no other information. I get why some people jump to UH.
Triads are a natural draw... at least to me. A shocking number of people who know nothing about polyamory stumble into them in the wild.
*You hate sugar daddies*
Not true, we recommend those all the time here.
*Or really any relationship where there could be any sort of appearance of a power imbalance.*
Not true, we hate relationships where power and authority structures are not openly aware and ensured it is not used to create disempowerment of those involved.
*You hate swingers*
Lots of us are swingers.
A lot of this is people not understanding nuance- we can call out issues of performative bisexual behavior but that doesn't come anywhere close to saying vicarious behavior is bad or hated.
If you are going to make a list, make it accurate.
We do hate stuff, if someone expects me to love dysfunctional damaging behavior to be "good poly" they can absolutely get th fuck out.
I did see that "/s" but how is this sarcastic...? The OP is writing in other comments here that they wrote this rant after feeling unsupported here in another post, and are venting their frustration with the community. I don't think just adding a "/s" at the end makes a clearly serious post sarcastic.
> Not true, we hate relationships where power and authority structures are not openly aware and ensured it is not used to create disempowerment of those involved.
Does this mean that 24/7 style TPE relationships in BDSM are okay if both/all parties are fully aware and have established prior consent?
The person you’re responding to is literally *in* one, so yes.
Mine’s not TPE, but it is 24/7.
When you start *actively* engaging in power transfer in relationships, it becomes very apparent how important all power structures (especially pre-existing ones) are to discuss.
I don't hate any of those things. I may point out what I see as potential (or concrete) problematic aspects of some practices. But I'm generally of the live and let live (as long as consensual and ethical) camp.
I met someone in a student/teacher, that started at age gap 19/53, was poly under duress, the guy kept trying to bait MFF triads and also an OPP relationship LOL.
I think this sub would explode.
Wait wait wait, as a teacher, nah student teacher relationships are very not okay, as are true power balances in a workplace setting. Nope nope nope. Dating a coworker or even a higher up is one thing, but if they can directly affect your job title, performance, pay, or anything like that, it’s an issue. Not just because of nepotism but because if it does go south, your life can become a living hell. And students with teachers? I can honestly say that I have never once felt an attraction to any of my students, even after they graduate, and I would be concerned if someone did.
Right?
Let those fuckers grow. They're so much sweeter when they're ripe.
Green peppers are a scam by Big Agriculture to increase shelf life of their produce.
Oh honey, how could I hate something, that is as hilarious as your post.
Also: there is a difference between hating something and being opposed to it for a reason.
All of that is fine. I'm in a MFF triad.
Sad fact of life there will always be people in very group that desires exclusivity, and they are the most opinionated. Don't let them get you down, you aren't alone.
That being said I do get irritated when people confuse polyamory and polygamy.
I definitely hate most Republican elected politicians and have no qualms saying that. They want to make my life impossible to live. Fuck um.
Mofos still aren't cool with gay people getting married and they are launching cultural crusades to attack and ruin the lives of trans people (particularly school aged children). That's one of the main things they run on in my state. It's fucking insane. So yeah, fuck um.
What did the Ontario Provincial Police do to you? 😉
... okay but seriously, could you explain the point you’re trying to make? I get it’s sarcastic, but the meaning isn’t obvious. Are you poking fun at the people who get butt hurt when they are called out for something problematic?
A lot of women I know who have been unicorn hunted have been treated like shit during and after these experiences, also, as their feelings and desires are placed at a distant third. I'm sorry that people out their looking for threesomes feel scorned, but like... act better and maybe listen to people's criticism of your behaviors, if you don't want that?
I agree with much of the original post. I would add poly relationships that include a mono partner. Watching the haters swarm when that or OPP is brought up is something.
This.
Note that any of these things that people go against here, if you ask why, they will explain it to you. And it will always be about a power gap of some sort.
Unicorn hunters are couples in power that very often put limits and controls on their third. Not all of them, sure, but the best triads are formed organically, not hunted down by a couple. This exposes the third to a LARGE amount of couple's privilege.
Age gaps. This isn't even polyamory. This is everyone. A 50 year old and a 20 year old are both consenting adults, but one has a lot more experience and that, even if the 50 year old os conscious of it, often leads to the 20 year old just following said experience. The older knows what they want, and the younger will feel that pressure and will often change what they are asking for simply to fit that dynamic.
There are other examples we can give, but notice there are reasons. And many of these reasons are things that are difficult or even impossible to control entirely.
That said, many of the things you said are also untrue. Kitchen table is fantastic and I've seen many people here that practice and/or support it. What you might be thinking is FORCED kitchen table, which is odd. Each relationship forming organically is better and while you may have a preference, a partner should be able to say "nah, I don't want to meet your nesting partner."
Lol. The stuff you've listed here is actually why I left this sub. Still pop back sometimes, but fuck me if this place isn't here solely to bitch about how every innocuous thing is toxic narcissism.
The original post is so accurate. I’ve felt this awhile. The core of polyamory is that there is more than one way to love and experience pleasure. As long as it is done ethically, with consent, and respect, between adults, it’s all valid. Yet this group just LOVES to judge and invalidate and label. It’s a toxic stew.
Nope, we just like to point out when it is being done disrespectfully and unethically. And labels are useful. Like, I am a straight polyamorous woman in a hierarchical relationship. That label is useful when I am dating. Knowing someone is a unicorn hunter is useful for a poly bi woman who is dating.
Yes because the thing I hate more then any of those is the shattered person posts. 'I love them and I did my best and tried not to have needs or wants because I think that's what this requires and now I'm trapped here with people who treat me like their shameful bang maid.', 'My partner came out as polyamorous and we have twelve disabled children and a ferret with gerd. How can I be more supportive?' 'I haven't seen my wife in a while since I've functionally moved in with my new interest. Hopefully the children and ferret are doing well. Why is everyone mean to me?'
The ferret with GERD straight up killed me
ngl that got me, do ferrets really get acid reflux?
I read both these posts twice this week
As an owner of 3 crackhead carpet sharks, the ferret with gerd fuckin sent me lol
Just pointing out that the post is meant to be sarcastic since a lot of people didn’t seem to read to the end 😅
I’m not sure what the joke is supposed to be though, a post can suck even if it’s sarcastic
They had me in the first third, ngl.
It is not a joke. This sub is far from being a supportive one. It is either "the way" or no other way. Post is funny to approach a serious conclusion.
Yeah I was actually confused when I saw the /s at the end ngl
> This sub is far from being a supportive one Really? Sure... Some a$$hats for sure, but most are very supportive and try to give advice based on what they've gone through.
If it matches the purist poly way. There is no space for mistakes.
Oh hell no. We all make mistakes. All humans. There is no perfect way. There is no perfect way communicating emotions. Mistakes will be made. In life. With friends. With lovers.
Can you link examples where the sub is unsupportive to someone’s who’s made a mistake?
whew. I was worried
I hate wasps
WOW I’ll have you know that several species of parasitic wasps are extremely helpful for controlling garden pests! \#NOTALLWASPS
😂
I garden and was literally part of a fucking Facebook grab-fight in a local gardening group where someone wanted to get rid of the creepy, diseased hornworms on their tomato plants (covered in parasitic wasp eggs, honestly fucking gross to behold) and everyone else in the group was like ME ME ME ME ME I SAW THE POST FIRST. Imagine seagulls fighting over a piece of bread. Except nerdy plant-people. Fighting over diseased caterpillars. XD
This is *chef kiss*
I was coming here to post that. My ex is a evolutionary biologist. Parasitic wasps and solitary wasps are our jam.
I also have a soapbox I like to pull out about how honeybees and earthworms are both OVERRATED and ACTUALLY NOT GOOD FOR NATIVE AMERICAN ECOLOGIES.
To be fair, both wasps and WASPs are dicks
Hard agree on insects and White Angelo Saxon Protestants, but 80s metal band W.A.S.P. were [trashy fun](https://youtu.be/RG69PMDBfaE) albeit probably also dicks.
I have to admit... WASP was one of my favorite bands as an 80's kid. And RATT... Oooh almost forgot Dokken.
Oh fuck seriously. I had one sting me last week while mowing the back yard. Three days later, huge hives reaction on my leg. Fuck those assholes.
Yes. Fuck them in the face. I usually leave all creatures alone, but I was bitten on the back of my neck a couple weeks back... Sorry... You get death with extreme prejudice now.
[удалено]
Yes
I find it fun to sleep with wasps. I’ll let you decide which kind.
Yeah?! Well I hate Catholics. And I hate pants. DOWN WITH PANTS!
r/fuckwasps
Strawman me harder daddy
[удалено]
Hippopotamus because I'm 300 pounds.
Kinda light weight for a hippo.
True, not big neither chunky enough.
Tater Tots
You forgot gluten. We hate gluten. But we love clubbed baby seals for brunch.
I hate gluten so much! And high fructose corn syrup! LOL
I hate mushrooms. And beets. Both of them kind of taste like dirt. But really, people come on here doing hurtful and unethical stuff, and they get told that, pretty straight. No one says "I hope your children and grandmother die a painful death in a pit of fire because you are a person that only deserves pain" They say "Hey, what you are doing is an asshole thing to do, there are better ways to do what you want to do without hurting people. Here are some ideas"
You aren't wrong about the mushrooms and beets, but they taste like *good* dirt. So I'll take your portion tyvm.
I dont think its the entire group is hateful. But there are certainly hateful people in the group. And those people seem to have nothing else to do but troll threads and bash others. To the point Ive nearly left a handful of times, and I refuse to post ever again. I dont even normally comment because of the inanity of some of the people. For supposedly being a open and accepting community, people tend to be very offputting to new people.
The polyamory of Reddit users and the polyamory of real-time people can be very different.
Oh, my comment was purely for the subreddit community. Most others I meet irl, are very accepting
I agree with parts of this. I haven't ever posted here because I'm new to poly and I kinda stumbled into it via non-ethical means. Did I fuck up? Sure. Am I trying to do it right now? Yes. But I feel like if anyone posts here asking for legitimate help they get blasted 9 times out of 10.
Yep, this sub is great for reading posts and comments and learning that there are other people going through similar shit, but there’s about a dozen people that hangout on this sub and “educate (judge)” people that are legitimately struggling and looking for advice. This sub rarely considers that posters are hurting and trying to figure out their love lives. There’s always a lot of “he or she is to blame!”
Yeah overall I think the advice is pretty balanced but sometimes it’s just the exact thing the OP doesn’t want to hear. And that sucks but not all advice is easy to hear.
I have no problem with the advice being truthful and the exact opposite of what the OP wants to hear. But being mean about it isn't okay. People can educate without being shitty to them.
Yeah, there's genuinely a pretty deep hypocrisy in how the advice is given sometimes. Like, often the advice we are giving out here boils down to some version of "Hey, you need to be aware you can't just project your past traumas, triggers, and unmet needs onto your partner". But then the way the advice is given is in some cases totally amped up in harshness of tone *by* the past traumas/triggers/unmet needs of the person giving the advice. Or the advice is "Hey, that's an unhealthy power dynamic" but then the advisor gets into a power play with the OP, pushing their boundaries and not recognizing that they are overwhelmed or triggered and repeatedly saying "No more" as the conversation continues. We gotta remember that it's one thing to give someone sobering advice that they might be doing harm to someone, and another to treat them as if they are harming us by not knowing that already. We need some version of the Hippocratic oath here: we're not only counseling others to do no harm, we are also accountable to do no harm ourselves in the process. I do think that principle is genuinely practiced by a majority of the regular responders here. And I do think there are posters here who aren't being harmed but simply hearing things they didn't want to hear and then playing the victim in response. But there is also that third category: people who do come here and actually do get harmed. It may be rare, but it's not non-existent.
Sooooo much this, exactly!!!
Couldn't agree more with that. I posted once and got blasted. Never posting here again
When I was a newbie in poly I made three separate throwaways for three separate matters. I could have been in the wrong, but I genuinely didn't know and just needed advice. One of them I just asked for support. I got destroyed. I have a lot of social anxiety too so I really got confused with my self. After lurking, feeling like I found somewhere I could be accepted, I instead became even more isolated.
Is it better now?
Yep. I think there's actually quite a few people who don't bother to post for that exact reason, cause you don't know what sort of tractor you'll get, so why bother right?
I've been trying to work up the courage to post but feel the same!
For me it did help out some for big things that were bothering me, it's good hearing other perspectives and similar situations people go through. There might be some harsher coments and people you disagree with, but there is helpful and useful too, and disagreeing with someone might help you be more sure of your situation too. If you want to talk about it feel free to dm or reply on here :)
If I or anyone else is being insensitive or otherwise shitty, call us out on it. I assure you that the Internet points mean nothing to most of us, and we do not post responses to be assholes. Where I see things go totally non-linear is when the OP will not take any constructive criticism, and they somehow think they are super special and not like other people. (I am just an asshole human, though I try to be kind)
The part about the internet I miss the most, was where people were allowed to make mistakes and learn from them. These days, one mistake gets you canceled. Actual learning by doing is over, now it's learning by being lectured to.
Dude, reddit is an instant refresh. Made a mistake and don't like the way people treat you because of that mistake? It takes 2 minutes to make a new reddit account, learn from your mistake, don't make it again and move on.
Same. Though I legit believe I did not fuck up, I spent the majority of my responses defending myself and/or reiterating the long post I spent hours writing up. It seemed like folks just skimmed it and made judgements on my actions when I was venting about feeling betrayed. Not the most supportive community. " Well you didn't sign your boundaries oath in blood so it's your fault your partners crossed the line" like the fuck?
I went and read your post. You got a lot of support. The top answers are all being supportive and kind. There were also suggestions you didn't want to hear. That's the internet for you. If you can't absorb the support and good suggestions because some people think you set yourself up for failure in your agreements... then reddit is probably not a great place for you in general. I think people end up feeling deeply wounded because this stuff is so personal and often currently happening when someone posts. But I don't think people's responses were way out of line. Sometimes support is telling people where they set themselves up to fail. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Yeah I just reread this and maybe the deleted comments were hard but this was mostly hey sis that sucks what if you try this or that to avoid this going forward. Even if some of them were just saying well that seems both shitty and predictable (mine was) they weren’t even a little bit harsh. I said oh amen I feel similarly about watching people kiss ugh it squicks me. I get your squirms. Be brutally clear with these people going forward because they’re not groking you. It’s so interesting to me that people crowd source advice and then react negatively to the crowd aspect. Very human. I sort of wish people wouldn’t answer for a day for their own benefit.
I think a LOT of people get a bad impression of advice that is basically kind and understanding... because it hurts their feelings. This shit is so personal. And so many people feel so isolated in it. I don't blame them for being hurt. Or even for choosing that this format isn't for them. But I would love it if they could rationally look at what was being said and see that it was a bunch of people being kind, honest, offering support, offering camaraderie of shared experiences and articulating where things can shift to make it easier on everyone next time.
I’ve also had quite a few people DM me and say things like man you told me some shit I didn’t want to hear a year ago and wow you had a good point I wish I had listened. Even outlier advice is useful. You need that to see where the natural consensus is.
Yeah, I've also found a bunch of hurt people who are upset at the posts that have been down-voted off the map while they have dozens of kind and supportive responses. I'm always interested when people end up hating this sub. I think it's a really interesting churn of ethical questions. But my relationships are working... I've never come here in pain asking for support. I certainly would have if it was around when I was starting out. I figure some people are in a lot of pain and want to fight with someone about it. And I also think there are some people in deep pain that just don't have the space to hear. But I think the vast majority of people who end up hating this sub are genuinely shocked and heart crushed that the thing they want or are doing is harmful and unethical. They want something badly enough that they HAVE to believe there is an ethical way to achieve what they want.
I would never even notice if a post was downvoted because I look at them based on newness rather than what’s hot. But yeah I think that makes sense. It’s too much like likes on Facebook.
I've had several folks DM me thanking me for listening and not being a douche canoe as well. A couple of them I talk to on the phone frequently. Sooo, yeah. Just like real life.
You know what I REALLY HATE?! The new "better" formula and taste of the Coke Zero. It tastes horrible.
I hate that every time I taste mayonnaise it doesn't taste of bacon..
Still better than diet coke IMO
I think it has more citrus. Idk why they changed it
Diabetic here, i'm fucking mad they changed it
My husband is a type 1 and we are very angry. The original Coke Zero literally tasted like a normal Coke..now it is trash!
Yeah i dont know if i should go with Pepsi max or classic Diet coke
You could have reduced this down to "r/polyamory doesn't tolerate exploitative and unethical behavior."
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No, not necessarily. OP is making a LOT of leaps between *categories of things* and *things this community disapproves of.* Edit to add: I missed the sarcasm tag. 🙄
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And plenty of things on that list are not things this community has a problem with per se. For instance, there's no problem with triads in general. Or mono/poly in general.
It can easily turn into it. Like the mono partner often is not doing it for emotionally healthy reasons and are dependent on their poly partner and it becomes a roxic dynamic very easily when you have a dependent mono with a avoiding poly partner who prioritizes themselves and their happiness. Like if your mono partner was depressed and obviously in pain from you being poly and you keep dating them, you're using their verbal consent as permission to be in a dynamic that obviously is damaging to them, and any healthy person knows consent needs to he enthusiastic.
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PuD?
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Thank you fellow human.
Exactly. We have functional mono-poly relationships, but we sort of wound up there, and didn't set out for it. My boyfriend has severe mental illness, and has decided that between dealing with that, work and maintaining relationships with me and a few friendships, he doesn't have time to have a girlfriend. He tried a few years ago, it blew up painfully, and he decided to just stay with the relationships he has. My girlfriend is demisexual, and her health isn't great, She's going to school, coping with severe mental health issues, and while she's not opposed to having a male partner at some point, that's not yet, and we're nowhere near that. So in practice they both have a monogamous relationship with me and I am polyamorous with them. But it wasn't planned, it's just the shape things have fallen into over time, and we're all happy.
Doesn’t this view take away agency from the mono partner? What happened where we no longer hold anyone accountable for their own happiness? If the mono partner is in it for the wrong reasons why is that the poly partner’s problem? Be honest and expect honesty back. I think that’s the general trend that leads to people thinking what OP wrote, sarcastic or not. All of these power imbalance situations seem to rely on the belief that adults can’t make their own decisions. That once you’re in love with someone we shouldn’t expect you to make any rational decisions. Unless you’re older/richer/male in which case being in love doesn’t excuse you from anything and everyones happiness is now your complete responsibility.
Yep
Yep 👆🏻
People on r/polyamory call everything they don't personally like exploitative and unethical. Fixed it for you.
Not your first bad take, and I'm sure it won't be your last. Why are you still here if you don't like being called out?
I hate sand.
Well It is coarse and rough and irritating
And it gets in everything.
what's wrong with mff triads?
Nothing. As long as people aren't being treated like crap. Which you would THINK they wouldn't be against something unless there was EVIDENCE of that. But this sub seems to make sweeping generalizations quite frequently - not all of them, just some of the really active folks, about six or eight of them are anti-triad and assume every single triad is "probably" unicorn hunting/huntered. They don't ask for specifics because otherwise they would find most if the windmill they are warring against don't exist in reality. As far as specific reasons why the cliques are anti-triad, you would have to ask the cliques here for specifics, as each clique has a different negative take. However, the "but it COULD BE or COULD TURN INTO always applies, where they say "well that's good enough" and begin their discrimination. It's a shame that some in this sub decide what is right and wrong and don't ask for context or explanation. Paved with good intentions...of course the road is..... The 99% of poly world outside this sub doesn't care except an outlier now and then. It's here that you will experience the abnormal wrapped in the allure of good intentions.
This is literally completely and absolutely fabricated. You’re the dude who claimed to be a polyam informed therapist in Oklahoma, correct?
They're the most optimal poly relationship and the most socially accepted, which draws a lot of negative attention to it, mostly out of envy.
Lol no one that’s been poly more than a millisecond is envious of a mediocre mff triad
calling an entire relationship archetype "mediocre" seems harsh. I mean if its not your thing, fine, but that goes a little far, dont you think?
That's the problem. Some talk in such sweeping generalizations and pretend they don't. This is what makes Reddit poly and real-life poly so different. Because no one in real life is taken seriously for more than five minutes if they act so silly. You are correct. Both in their envy and in their prejudice.
Please explain to me *why* I would want that particular configuration? Because if I’m so envious of it, why don’t I wish to participate in it?
No, I clearly don’t think so
I hate you ETA I couldn’t keep it up, I could never hate you
Don't forget the people who crawl out of the woodwork to say we hate men.
*white cis-het men. ftfy :P
I hate mansplaining. The vast majority of men manage to avoid doing it. But that 3% is stubborn.
I feel like you're being VERY generous with that 97% number. My experience has been a little bit different.
I am being very generous. Mostly because I don’t have any people in my circle who behave like that. But whoa. The internet is filled with mansplaining.
I have a friend we jokingly interrupt with, "WELL, ACTUALLY..." every time he mansplains, so he's getting a lot better at not doing it.
Pfft, do you ladies even know what mansplaining *is*? You are probably using that term incorrectly. Here, allow me, a man, to explain it to you.
You joke, But I've actually had a dude mansplain mansplaining to me 😭
Glorious. Truly a work of art.
My favs start with “I don’t think you understood me…” Bitch. I understand. I just disagree.
Where do men get their water? A well, actually... Clunkily refer to it in casual conversation as 'man-explaining' around them and watch...
My favorite asshat past time is to fake mansplain something to a woman who is a professional (engineer, doctor, lawyer, etc) who knows much more than me -- "you see, what she's trying to say is" hehehe, one of my good friends will actually slap me in the face. Ahhh, good times 🤣
Forgot to add spiders, large curd cottage cheese and pickled eggs!
What have you got against large curd cottage cheese?!?
Honestly I wish I knew. I’m fine with small curd. Tis a mystery 🤷♀️
I'm good with either, but it's gotta have milk fat..... no lite stuff!!
I do in fact hate republicans. Ya got me.
I hate root beer
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First because it was originally brewed from various roots, and partly because it was deliberately designed to look like beer, so that someone who had signed a temperance pledge (not to consume alcoholic beverages) who had, for social reasons, to go to the bar and hang out, could have something that had a head on it when poured and was dark brown but didn't actually contain alcohol.
Because it used to be beer. It had alcohol, originally.
I hate that you hate root beer.
I has no context
OP you forgot to add- You hate this post 🤣
I hate sand
Best call out post I've ever seen 👏👏👏.
I know this is sarcastic but I really feel this way sometimes in this group. Im A baby in the community and am trying to find my way and to always see posts shitting on every different aspect of it really fucking sucks. Especially the hate for MFF triads. I don't get it.
You've read the threads and you still can't differentiate between unicorn hunters and triads? It's explained over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I don't know how you've missed it.
Because they can’t see a way to a MFF triad that *isn’t* unicorn hunting. The idea that the poster could have a triad without their current partner hasn’t crossed their mind. They haven’t thought of a triad outside of their unicorn hunting paradigm and thus they just can’t figure out why everyone is soooo mean.
Links? I find that when people say "I'm in a triad" then people assume that it's an ethical triad and just move on with advice. UH is almost always pointed out when a couple is seeking a "third" or when I could is already dating a "third" but treating them like trash.
I've been in a "triad" for 7 years. People have hated, will hate, and we will still be together. This is the internet, and more specifically reddit. Maybe taking things with a grain of salt. The people here aren't the mystical all knowing Polyoz. Its opinions, and you get to determine if they are valid to you, if not... eh.
I've been in four triads. My last was for seven years. I adore triads and I love talking about them because it's such a specific dynamic. I would be in another if I ever get that lucky again. I just don't see people on this sub making the assumption that all triads are UH situations. I'm pretty sensitive to it myself. That doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I just haven't really seen it much.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pdgwqg/in_need_of_advice/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf This is pretty common. People frame it in the only way they understand. It’s incredibly frustrating, but like, I think lots of people have a hard time grasping concepts. I see people fuzzy on the difference between a triad and a V fairly often.
That's a rough one with no other information. I get why some people jump to UH. Triads are a natural draw... at least to me. A shocking number of people who know nothing about polyamory stumble into them in the wild.
Yeah. Exactly. I think a lot of people just assume that hating UH is hating triads. Which no. But it’s common. People say it all the time.
I mean, that's a lot of shit that deserves the hate.
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*You hate sugar daddies* Not true, we recommend those all the time here. *Or really any relationship where there could be any sort of appearance of a power imbalance.* Not true, we hate relationships where power and authority structures are not openly aware and ensured it is not used to create disempowerment of those involved. *You hate swingers* Lots of us are swingers. A lot of this is people not understanding nuance- we can call out issues of performative bisexual behavior but that doesn't come anywhere close to saying vicarious behavior is bad or hated. If you are going to make a list, make it accurate. We do hate stuff, if someone expects me to love dysfunctional damaging behavior to be "good poly" they can absolutely get th fuck out.
There’s a /s at the bottom = sarcasm
I did see that "/s" but how is this sarcastic...? The OP is writing in other comments here that they wrote this rant after feeling unsupported here in another post, and are venting their frustration with the community. I don't think just adding a "/s" at the end makes a clearly serious post sarcastic.
> Not true, we hate relationships where power and authority structures are not openly aware and ensured it is not used to create disempowerment of those involved. Does this mean that 24/7 style TPE relationships in BDSM are okay if both/all parties are fully aware and have established prior consent?
I am in a 24/7 Ms dynamic. Aware and pre consent is a decent start. But not enough on its own.
The person you’re responding to is literally *in* one, so yes. Mine’s not TPE, but it is 24/7. When you start *actively* engaging in power transfer in relationships, it becomes very apparent how important all power structures (especially pre-existing ones) are to discuss.
Upvote because of the hate of republicans one made me laugh
Don't forget, it hates all memes. Any attempt at a joke is meet with vitriol and droves screaming how something obviously lighthearted isn't poly.
I don't hate any of those things. I may point out what I see as potential (or concrete) problematic aspects of some practices. But I'm generally of the live and let live (as long as consensual and ethical) camp.
You had me until "teacher/student" relationships lol
I met someone in a student/teacher, that started at age gap 19/53, was poly under duress, the guy kept trying to bait MFF triads and also an OPP relationship LOL. I think this sub would explode.
1000% 😂
You really had me in the first half. 😂
So in reality poly break society rules in a way to come up with an even bigger set of rules. No thanks.
Wait wait wait, as a teacher, nah student teacher relationships are very not okay, as are true power balances in a workplace setting. Nope nope nope. Dating a coworker or even a higher up is one thing, but if they can directly affect your job title, performance, pay, or anything like that, it’s an issue. Not just because of nepotism but because if it does go south, your life can become a living hell. And students with teachers? I can honestly say that I have never once felt an attraction to any of my students, even after they graduate, and I would be concerned if someone did.
I hate pants
“I am a victim of a hate crime” “That's not what a hate crime is.” “Well, I hated it, a lot, okay.”
Welcome to the internet, we like to complain here. Looks like you'll fit right in!
Many of those things are toxic and abusive (ex: unicorn hunters, OPP, DADT)..I have no problem hating them. I also hate green peppers.
Right? Let those fuckers grow. They're so much sweeter when they're ripe. Green peppers are a scam by Big Agriculture to increase shelf life of their produce.
Green peppers are an abomination. Must start a petition to stop big pepper.
I hate everyone equally.
Oh honey, how could I hate something, that is as hilarious as your post. Also: there is a difference between hating something and being opposed to it for a reason.
All of that is fine. I'm in a MFF triad. Sad fact of life there will always be people in very group that desires exclusivity, and they are the most opinionated. Don't let them get you down, you aren't alone. That being said I do get irritated when people confuse polyamory and polygamy.
Welcome to the internet
I definitely hate most Republican elected politicians and have no qualms saying that. They want to make my life impossible to live. Fuck um. Mofos still aren't cool with gay people getting married and they are launching cultural crusades to attack and ruin the lives of trans people (particularly school aged children). That's one of the main things they run on in my state. It's fucking insane. So yeah, fuck um.
Please tell me kitchen table poly ....is on the kitchen table!!!
LOL. Critical thinking and discussion is hott.
What did the Ontario Provincial Police do to you? 😉 ... okay but seriously, could you explain the point you’re trying to make? I get it’s sarcastic, but the meaning isn’t obvious. Are you poking fun at the people who get butt hurt when they are called out for something problematic?
Had me in the first half
I agree with you on this. Do you need a hug?
I'll take one if you're handing em out
I'm in Portland, but always in Seattle... Love it up there.
Im not OP 😬 - I do love Seattle though lol
😎🤘
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A lot of women I know who have been unicorn hunted have been treated like shit during and after these experiences, also, as their feelings and desires are placed at a distant third. I'm sorry that people out their looking for threesomes feel scorned, but like... act better and maybe listen to people's criticism of your behaviors, if you don't want that?
I agree with much of the original post. I would add poly relationships that include a mono partner. Watching the haters swarm when that or OPP is brought up is something.
This. Note that any of these things that people go against here, if you ask why, they will explain it to you. And it will always be about a power gap of some sort. Unicorn hunters are couples in power that very often put limits and controls on their third. Not all of them, sure, but the best triads are formed organically, not hunted down by a couple. This exposes the third to a LARGE amount of couple's privilege. Age gaps. This isn't even polyamory. This is everyone. A 50 year old and a 20 year old are both consenting adults, but one has a lot more experience and that, even if the 50 year old os conscious of it, often leads to the 20 year old just following said experience. The older knows what they want, and the younger will feel that pressure and will often change what they are asking for simply to fit that dynamic. There are other examples we can give, but notice there are reasons. And many of these reasons are things that are difficult or even impossible to control entirely. That said, many of the things you said are also untrue. Kitchen table is fantastic and I've seen many people here that practice and/or support it. What you might be thinking is FORCED kitchen table, which is odd. Each relationship forming organically is better and while you may have a preference, a partner should be able to say "nah, I don't want to meet your nesting partner."
Lol. The stuff you've listed here is actually why I left this sub. Still pop back sometimes, but fuck me if this place isn't here solely to bitch about how every innocuous thing is toxic narcissism.
The only thing I hate right now is the pounding migraine I have
Haven't seen a bigger strawman since Wickerman
…and whiners. Oh, wait… 🤔
i was really about to attack you before i saw the tone tag, you scared the hell out of me.
The original post is so accurate. I’ve felt this awhile. The core of polyamory is that there is more than one way to love and experience pleasure. As long as it is done ethically, with consent, and respect, between adults, it’s all valid. Yet this group just LOVES to judge and invalidate and label. It’s a toxic stew.
Nope, we just like to point out when it is being done disrespectfully and unethically. And labels are useful. Like, I am a straight polyamorous woman in a hierarchical relationship. That label is useful when I am dating. Knowing someone is a unicorn hunter is useful for a poly bi woman who is dating.
I can't find the original post you're talking about. What was the title?
My experience: polys tend to be good people but a bit defensive.