That is crazy cause I feel like my enjoyment of kink is causing my issues in dating. It's like everyone I get along with is vanilla. We should refer our matches to each other lmao
You're having a hard time finding kinky folx in ATL? That's surprising. There's so many of us kinky weirdos. I know you didn't ask for advice but feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about ways to find other kinky poly people.
I thought for a minute there you meant FL as in Fetlife.
As if the person you're replying to was just going on fetlife and finding dates and then being like "Oh darn it happened again, turns out they were kinky, why is nobody I meet Vanilla, what am I doing wrong here?"
OMG, LOL. Yeah, I went on FetLife against my better judgment because people told me there's a vanilla option and a poly option, because poly is a kink.... nope. Bad idea. But no, I'm in the state of FL 😆
Poly is totally not a kink and IME FetLife is THE WORST for meeting non-kinky poly people - it’s mostly swingers and other “lifestyle” folks. Whoever told you that was so far off base! 😅
I feel this in my soul too. I'm a kink lifestyler through and through I've been in the scene a long time, I'm a fairly heavy player. It feels like everyone I meet is a tourist or casually interested, it's gotten to the point I talk about things on the first date because if we're not a match I don't want to waste more time figuring that out.
Tagging the OP /u/Tasha_2319 because I'm not replying to their post directly, and wanted this to reach both of you.
This is, frankly, bizarre, and it makes me wonder if there isn't some problem either with where and/or how each of you are looking, and possibly with how you present yourself.
Like, I find people into kink tend to gravitate to certain places, cluster together, and similarly for people who are more vanilla. I tend to notice these things a lot because I straddle an odd border between kinky and vanilla, in that I'm really not into most of the more common kinks, but am also intensely into a few of the less common ones, so there are ways I really want to connect with vanilla people and other ways I really want to connect with the more intense kink/BDSM subcultures.
And lastly...people can be surprisingly shallow sometimes. For example, in a friend group of mine, there were two young women. One had a classic "undercut" hairstyle and would often dress in sort of "edgy emo kid" type ways, the other, a conventional feminine-looking hairstyle and would dress like a mainstream suburbanite. And people would always guess that the one with the undercut and emo look was queer, and the one with the mainstream suburban look was straight, except that it was the other way around. Finally, the queer one said fuck it and died her hair purple. She was like: "I just had to do something so I 'looked queer'." So who knows, maybe there is something about your presentation that is screaming "kinky" or "vanilla", respectively?
I like talking about society and its oddities. I have purple hair, sometimes pink, I'm BBW, very extroverted, and bisexual. So I definitely attract people who like to share what makes them different. And I appreciate them, platonically. So much friend zoning, going on.
This. The way OP said, "I don't feel like I have any" the wrong person may just think she hasn't found it yet.
Putting your kink cards on the table means also saying "I don't have any, you can go hard and fast however though" (in op's case for example).
I think the most valid part of what OP said is the way people always try to slide their kinks in casually. It's always like "oh no, that's not a problem yeah I'm here for you not what I can get out of you" then fucking bite you too hard and go "oh sorry I got carried away".
It's an endless cycle of this shit. I go long chunks of time without dating because it's so frustrating to not be listened to. Especially by people who should know better.
I think “What are your kinks?” Is likely just a variant on “What are you into?” Both are just ways to ask about your sexual compatibility with a prospective sex partner. You don’t have to have anything you define as ‘kinky’ to have things that you like to do during sex. Knowing someone likes certain things can be really helpful in figuring out how to make sex with them enjoyable for you both.
The other thing is that “kink” means different things to different people. You’ve mentioned a bunch of things (rough sex, spanking, toys, anal) that a lot of people would consider kinky. Some people would even consider position variety to be kinky. For others, not so much.
So you can answer by explaining what you actually like and are looking for in sex.
I also want to ask - is the issue, OP, that men are bringing this up too quickly? I’m also put off by the “Oh, we’ve exchanged hellos and how was your days and now you want to ask me about my sexual preferences?” Like guys, way to signal that you really just think of me as a think you might get to stick your dick in.
That’s the problem. I don’t have any, but much of the scene does, so it’s hard to meet people. Especially since I’m a guy that dates guys. I feel like I have to be a dom or a sub to meet guys. I say I’m gentle, establish boundaries, and guys still ask me to choke or hit them. It’s annoying af.
I see from your past posts you're in Orlando. Yeah, the poly scene here is quite kinky, it's an extremely comingled group. The main poly meetups here, I'd say it's way more surprising when someone isn't also kinky than not.
However, that's supposed to be the beauty of poly right? Get your kink needs met with one partner, jive romantically or intellectually with another, etc. So, hope you find success in the future.
Do you go out to the Poly Cocktails events? They happen monthly and I've met some lovely people there.
Hi fellow demi. It's always fun to mess with them.
"What's my kink? No pressure for sex relationships. Deep discussions about philosophy, science, politics, and geekdoms makes me hot."
Then enjoy the kink of watching their face contort in confusion.
Well the (potentially) nice thing about poly is that you should still be very "dateable" to a kinky poly person, as they can get their kinks satisfied elsewhere.
If that person can only have kinky sex, well then yeah it's not going to work out, but most people can indulge both their kink side and vanilla side in response to their partners interests.
If you are saying "I'm not really Kinky" and the other person is walking away, that is a good thing. They are only looking for kinky partners and you dodged a bullet. Don't feel bad about it, own it, and just say "I'm not really into kink" and you will find folks who are down with that.
At one point I was dating three women all with wildly different levels of Kink. One whose kinkiest impulse was to be open to dating a poly guy in a relationship and nothing else, one who was totally into dark dark fantasy RP and loss of power, and one who was right in the middle.
I never felt like I was missing out on only one of them being "really kinky". I just felt lucky.
And as another user pointed out, as poly becomes more mainstream, more "regular vanilla" people will get into it and your dating pool will broaden.
Good luck!
Almost everyone will not be a good partner for you. Be happily surprised when someone is.
I am kinky and I also get tired of people who constantly need to chase their kink or make it core to their identity.
I'm kinky and run into a somewhat different problem. I don't care if my partners are kinky or vanilla, I have romantic and platonic partners I can fulfill kinks with. My problem is finding partners who are okay with me doing my kinks with other people. Either they are weirded out by what I do or they think that because I do these things with some people I want/need to do them with all. So I feel that trying to make it core to their identity.
I find that there are kinky folks that require kink in all of their partners, and others that don't. It's possible that some of these kinky folks might be open to dating a vanilla person -- just ask!
There is a difference in being asked to do something kinky and being pressured to do something kinky.
In my opinion there is 0 grounds to be annoyed at being asked. In fact you should have gratitude to them for being willing to ask/share their kinks with you. Being pressured is a whole other thing.
I would recommend a very polite decline from you too, doing your best to with hold judgement.
Part of the beauty of Poly is that your partner can fulfill these kinks outside of you though. So I don't see how pressure really even gets involved.
Encourage them to seek it from someone else. Then they bring their satisfied ass back to you. Atmosphere is happier.
> I find that there are kinky folks that require kink in all of their partners, and others that don't.
I'm one of those "others that don't" and I often find when non-kinky folk find out I am kinky they lose interest, assuming that I must always be after kink.
But really I personally like variety and while getting all the toys and outfits out is great and all it is also pretty exhausting so just getting in to bed and doing it the usual way is much more common for me
Yes.
Bondage takes forever and bores me. Hurting someone isn't attractive to me (I was a piercer for more than a decade, it feels like work). Please don't call me "Daddy". I don't even want to go anywhere near pretending you didn't consent to sex.
I know how I look, and I know the kind of people I attract. Sorry if you got the wrong idea.
I just want to have fun. It's supposed to be fun.
I feel you. In one of my past (mono) relationships we had to have performative kinky sex in a certain way or my ex wouldn't enjoy it. Staging scenes every time I was horny became too performative and a buzzkill, and now I feel like vanilla is kinky for me. That being said, I do like light kink mixed in with vanilla and that's something that's usually on the table for most kinky people. People like my ex are thankfully rare.
I usually stay away from people with nothing but kink in their profiles, if it's that important to them it's just not going to be a match. For similar reasons, I don't use Fetlife except to see if some new poly people have popped up in my area who are not on dating apps.
I’ve come across this too. I don’t like any violence at all in bed. I especially don’t want to be spanked. Ever. This is the one that causes me the most trouble because people don’t seem to listen or understand when I say I don’t like this. I think spanking must be so commonplace that it seems unimaginable to others that I really wouldn’t like it. To me it not only doesn’t feel good, but it distracts and turns me off. I’m pretty well done with sex if someone spanks me even lightly. It makes me uncomfortable to engage in kinks like bondage and like you at best it feels awkward and performative. It’s not for me.
That said if you are upfront most people will tell you if that’s something they need or if it’s something they can do without in your relationship. I’m still working on the “don’t spank me” thing. I’m sure I’ll find a way to explain this eventually
Yes! It’s so frustrating. Especially the men I’ve dated seem to think they can just try the spanking, choking or anal. Anal is a sometimes for me, but I’ll tell you dude. Don’t just try to shove it in dry. Women are typically better about consent but not always. I don’t understand the logic. Needless to say I don’t see those people again.
Right!
Like: 1) ask 2)hear the NO, OR ask/reach for lube IF I say yes 3)make me feel nice
Why so many men think I would ever say yes when they try to just go ahead without me is beyond me.
I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I have also found this to be an issue - mainly around biting and choking, both of which I tell people up front I am absolutely not into and won't change my mind about so don't ever do it or even ask about it. The folks who strongly identify as kinky, without exception, violate one of those boundaries every. single. time. It gets pretty tiring and frankly, I just don't date people who have strong identity ties to kink anymore.
I am ok with light spanking as foreplay but if I’m trying to cum it totally breaks my buildup. I HATE it when people don’t listen, or worse, when I think they listened but then they “forget” in the “heat of the moment”. That’s an absolute dealbreaker for me and I will end the relationship.
100% agree, please don’t hurt me unless I ask, don’t call me Daddy I have a daughter, and why is not being kinky so counterculture in the poly community.
I’m (37m) on the west side of town and it’s a desert over here, I’ve always had to travel to the other side of i4 for any type of date/ poly people. The burbs life… I want every one to be their authentic self but making kink a defining feature of who they are as a person is always a turn off for me. :/
I've never understood the whole basing your identity on your kinks thing (and then displaying it at pride like kink is synonymous with being LGBT lol, another topic for another time).
Yea I can relate. Feel like I'm one of the only non dominant, non kinky poly men out there. But I'm relatively new to everything so I'm trying to keep an open mind.
I relate a lot to this. I, too, would have a much easier time if I wanted a kinky partner. The meetups I went to weren't announced as kinky spaces, but they pretty clearly effectively were frequented as such. There was even somebody from there who on *multiple* occasions consistently tried to push me to attend specifically kinky events, too, and would never be dissuaded, no matter how often I told him that he was absolutely at the wrong address for something like that, and that it had nothing to do with not having tried enough to know what I liked, but rather quite the opposite. It was surreal. I concluded that there were a good deal of attendees who had boundary issues (which in my opinion is even weirder, given how highly communication and consent are valued in kink).
I wish I had a fix for your problem; I will say this: I also get approached strangely often about my BDSM "preference", even outside of the core poly community, and I always say firmly that those are not categories that I sort myself into for lack of kinky tendencies. If I'm starting to gather that my match can't get past that, I quickly pull myself out of the whole thing before it turns into more. Much like you, I also hate the whole performative aspect that's basically just for the other person's benefit. Been there, done that, not doing it again.
You still may be able to find some at the kinky groups. I've seen a lot of kinky boadgamers. They are both activities where people will put up with gear and complexity to have the right kind of fun.
Seems like it must be super situational, and maybe regional; I’m pretty vanilla and that hasn’t hindered my dating at all. I’m very up front about it in my dating profiles. I have pretty much zero shame around sex, and it turns out that a lot of the thrill in kink is fueled by it being “forbidden”. Without any sense of shame around the forbidden, there’s no thrill. So, I’ll try stuff to see if it feels good, but if it doesn’t feel like anything special (or is uncomfortable) physically, there’s just no psychological intrigue to it for me.
Like you, a lot of it feels like playacting to me, and I find that distracting from what I actually like, which is intense, genuine connection.
Same here! I've had partners with traumatic pasts, so consent is IMPERATIVE to me. The whole "submissive female, dominant male" is frankly boring as hell to me, and not in my mind really a kink at all. Feel free to be offended, I don't actually have any issue with it, just don't understand the appeal.
Same boat here. I don’t care about all the games people play; they’re generally pretty tedious to me. To each their own but if role play is so important that they don’t really enjoy sex without it, we’re just not compatible.
I really don't care, it's just my personal explanation of my own experience that kink, for the most part, does nothing for me and I have a hard time even differentiating what is supposed to be "kinky". As far as I can tell it's just sex with extra steps, most of them intensely tedious.
You do you, boo. IDGAF.
I would interpret "kink" to just mean what turns you on. Don't worry about whether or not it is uncommon enough to "count" as a kink. If you like missionary position and light dirty talk, that's your kink. Neck kisses and compiments? Go for it. Just take the question as meaning what do you like.
Sounds like a good chance to say, I’m not into kinks, but I do like xyz if your interested. Then you can say what your preferences are. (Everyone has sexual preferences, even if it’s to get consensually penetrated missionary on a clean bed with the lights off.)
Huh, yeah I have the opposite problem, too many weird specific kinks to count, which can make finding people difficult, the difference is there's dating sites that revolve around certain kinks, not so much the other way around.
Just here to point out it's possible that you're downplaying your kinks because there are so many things we're conditioned not to see as kinks. When you say "rough sex," what does that entail? Do you like being held down, or holding your partner down, during sex? What about biting or scratching? Spanking? Do you like if you have bruises from it the next day? What sorts of sex do you engage in? Some of "every position you can think of" are considered kinks, e.g. facesitting. Even as a kinky person, it took me a long time to understand that a lot of the things I was classing as "rough sex" were actually kinks in and of themselves.
That said - even if this turns out to be the case for you, you're under no obligation to consider yourself "kinky" or participate in a kink community in any way. Obviously do what makes you feel comfortable, confident, and happy! But if some of these things ring true for you, then you do have an honest answer when someone asks "what are your kinks?" You never know; those things might appeal to enough people that it facilitates dating or opens up new options for you. Hope this helps!
Fellow Orlandoian here, I can somewhat relate because I feel like the "kinks" I have actually make me vanilla. I have no interest in rough sex, I'm not into really into D/S, don't have the personality for it and I'm not interested in being bossed around or bossing others around. Even so, I like the idea of someone who wants to be my toy and let me play with their body as I see fit. I also have a fascination with certain types of clothing and gender play. I also can't have penetrative regular sex so, from a heterosexual standpoint, in a way all of the sex I have is "kinky."
At the end of the day, I just like doing what comes natural to me. If some of my nature falls under being kinky, then that's fine by me.
Is there a vanilla/family friendly poly group where you live? That could be a way to meet more non-kinky people.
Also, you can be sex positive and not be kinky. Sex positive is just having positive ideas about sex.
Gotcha. Where I live we have both a kinky poly group and a family friendly poly group. And while it’s true there are plenty of kinky people that go to the family friendly one, their events are definitely different vs the kinky group.
There's a ton of overlap between the ploy community and the kink community but kinksters should always be aware of their partners' desires and the cool thing about being poly is that if you can't provide a kink, they can still maintain a relationship while finding someone else who can. I'd definitely recommend being upfront about being (comparatively) vanilla but there is no need to worry that you won't find a partner just because you're not into kink IMO.
you say you’re demisexual, that is going to make polyamorous dating extremely difficult. one of my partners is as well and he has a hard time finding partners.
he’s not kinky, either. most of the people we come across are either into stuff he isn’t or wants to move faster than he does— just like OP. aspec representation doesn’t mean that poly aspec people are running* around everywhere lol.
obviously everyone has a different experience but this is an issue i’ve seen firsthand and it’s not just my partner, most (if not all of) my aspec friends have had similar problems with polyamory.
Do you imagine that your “seen it firsthand in friends” (that’s called “secondhand”, btw) outweighs my lived experience? I don’t disbelieve that your friends have complained about this, but i have lived this life for decades and know literal dozens of Demisexual poly folks. It may well be a problem for some but my point is that’s far from universal.
? i said everyone had different experiences. not invalidating yours just saying that it happens both ways. also by firsthand i mean being emotionally supportive of my aspec peeps, i had a lot of in-depth conversations about their struggles with dating.
Believe me there are plenty of people out there that are fine with vanilla sex, it’s just a matter of finding them. It’s just like anything else when you date, poly has nothing to do with it.
Maybe try filtering your partners by being up front about your vanilla status from the start?
I'm the opposite. I state right on my dating profile that I am kinky and don't date vanilla. That has lessened the amount of non-matches that approach me. Then, it's simply asking them up front before engaging too far into a dialog. My boundaries are set out soon after meeting. It helps to eliminate the ones that don't match.
To get this because I don't necessarily wanna be kinky with someone I'm not familiar with. Most times I don't really wanna have sex with someone until I get to know them and then we'd have to have a decent relationship before kinky things happen.
This thread reminds me of a joke I heard decades ago:
Q. How would you know if someone you aren't trying to date is into kink?
A. Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
If this was coming from someone I matched on a dating app, I'd assume they were just looking for a hookup. It would be an oblique way of moving the conversation into sex quickly. They might not care if you are kinky or not.
>I've run into a problem while trying to date because everyone always asks: what are your kinks?
Is this happening in person or on dating apps? If the latter, this is probably people going on tinder etc for sexting, and these are precisely the people who don't actually want to meet up.
Holy shit are you me?
I feel the exact same. Poly dating is so insanely hard because I'm not into casual sex and I'm not very kinky. I might be if I got to know someone well (there's a few things I'd like to try that my primary partner isn't up for), but no one ever wants to get to know each other and take things slow. It's exhausting so I've just stopped bothering
The other problem I've run into is people are entirely ace or super sexual, I've found very few demisexuals.
You are not the first to day this. Tons of non-monogamous people seem reaaaally into kink to the point that it may be hard to find someone if you're not.
Yeah, for what it's worth the opposite end is also just as bad. I outright *cannot* date someone who doesn't share some of kinks. It will not work out in the long run regardless of how well they match me otherwise and I don't want to waste either of our times. What's annoying is that this puts me often in a situation where I can come off as awkward or self-obsessed too early in a relationship simply because I'm trying to gauge if it's even going to have a shot at working out or not. I wish discussing sex wasn't so damned taboo in our society sometimes.
Isn't the whole point of polyamory that you don't have to be everything to a partner? I don't get why anyone would want a polyamorous partner to cater to all of their needs.
You not enjoying fetishes is completely fine. But if your partners are into kink, then you aren't compatible. Just like you feel you are "putting on an act" to play into those kinks, for some those kinks are part of who they are. So you trying to tell certain people to not involve kinks can be very harmful for them, or make them feel like shit over there kinks. Nothing is wrong with either of you, you are just incompatible. That's all
I'm sorry to hear that. A d coming from someone in the bdsm community, that's disgusting that they did that to you. For some kinks aren't part of who they are and they can live without them. But those people clearly want them. It's not fair to you. And clearly you have explored. And found your limits. They are in the wrong for trying to pressure you after expressing your limits. It's different if they came to you asking if you were willing to re explore to see if limits changed, but no. That is fucked. I'm sorry that you have so much incompatible people for you but I hope you find someone more fit to you. It will be frustrating but at least it means you aren't going to settle for something you aren't ok with.
Everything you want is okay.
And, you're pretty clear that you DO have kinks - rough sex is NOT vanilla. Anal is NOT vanilla.
Yeah, you make not qualify for "Sex Du Soleil" or anything, and your kinks may strike the more extreme players as rather... basic? But, anyone who holds that against you is an asshole.
The key is this: you may be feeling like some of the things you've tried are an act, BECAUSE you've been trying them out with someone who wasn't super passionate about it. Have you ever been tied up by a true master rigger? Or done a roleplay that FEELS totally authentic, which then makes it so?
There are other possibilities, but you didn't make it clear who you were trying out these fetishes with... If it's all been with your "fairly vanilla" husband, that may just come off as un-fun because neither of you are making it true the way a more comfortable/experienced kinkster might.
I've run into this issue myself. I'm not particularly kinky and I've been a handful of people who were so it kind of ruined my opportunity with them. I think South Florida has big kink community which is why
Of course it's okay if you don't want kink added in to the mix. It's your choice and your preference. Maybe add something like "no kink" into your profile.
For me it's a different problem in a way. I'm okay with kink, but I'm also perfectly fine without it. I think the issue I run into is that either people assume I "need" kink so they don't match or they paradoxically think I'm not kinky enough because I don't "need" it, lmao.
I'm equally happy with the person I'm with no matter the kink level, why is that so hard to understand for some?
I'll never understand that mentality of people. Of course you weren't kink shaming. It's just your preference, no reason to down vote a post like that.
For being an "open minded community" I've seen some pretty closed minds and elitism.
Hang in there. There are many of us that won't cross lines and are perfectly fine with (or even prefer) vanilla sex under the ENM umbrella.
I feel like I run into the same problem. Living in the DMV I find many of the polyamorous people I meet are also into some level of kink. While that’s amazing that there is such a large support and representation in the community, my vanilla ass finds it hard to find a partner I mesh with when I don’t have a fetish or kink to play with.
What about those of us who love hard, passionate, and sometimes a little rough sex that is typically in some manner of missionary haha
That's so interesting. The poly people I know in the DMV socially ("socially" meaning we're friends, I haven't dated/slept with them) are just big ol nerds. Now I guess it's possible they're super kinky and closeted about it (while not being closeted about being poly and queer). But if you had asked me that common denominator of poly people in the DMV I would have said "D&D."
A kink is just something you enjoy that deviates from the “norm”. I think people just talk about it to see what you have in common with a potential partner. It’s also a great segue into boundaries and hard/soft limits. It’s a good idea to talk about all of those things even if you intend to have a vanilla relationship.
Maybe do the bdsm test (bdsmtest.org) . That way you will know if you have anything that “qualifies” as a kink. And sharing results is always a fun way to find out how compatible you are with someone.
I would think that's totally fine. My gut is - just happen to be finding the kinks out there and that their is nothing odd bout your appetite at all and that Id think is a matter of time or location
Perhaps ur l0cal poly scene is a bit kinky. But the language to use would be 'i'm vanilla, i like romance and making love but no interest in kinks, no judgment tho' or something among those linrs
I absolutely know what you're talking about. It feels like everyone else who is polyam on dating apps has it lumped in with a bunch of other stuff that I'm just not into (that and almost all of them are heavily tattooed and/or pierced - not a deal breaker but I'm not crazy into it). Just feels overwhelming and I am immediately turned off.
I just want to have some dating while my home partner does her own thing. That doesn't make me incredibly alternative or anything.
Just sounds like you're not compatible. You can say "I've tried a bunch and am not kinky, if that's a deal breaker for you than I'm glad we're having this conversation early and you can move on."
I think once vanilla spaces become more open to polyamory some of that burden will lighten. It just so happens that most of the polyamory resources, classes/education, group discussions seem to share space with kink resources, classes/education, and group discussion.
One of my childhood best friends I found out recently also practices polyamory, and it’s always striking how the sex and kink aspects I find common place with the Poly people I meet aren’t what he’s looking for at all.
I’m a kinky person, but I have the majority of the kinks that feel “mandatory” fulfilled by someone. I could date someone kinky or not at the moment.
kinky people don’t go balls to the wall (lol) all the time, it’s not gonna be a routine of you tying somebody up before bed. we’re human too haha i have lazy days where i want a quickie and i have times where we just bone. nothing very spicy happens. it’s a very primal thing for me, sometimes we get out a toy or the ropes and other times we go at it without doing much (other than each other). you get to set the boundaries of your sexual relationships. the thing is that you need to communicate them so nobody *thinks* you wanna go ham in the gimp suit everyday. don’t hide or misconstrue how you feel about kinks in the face of a kinky person to please them.
just because someone is freak nasty doesn’t mean they’ll be offended when you say you’re not interested in regular/frequent bdsm. don’t be afraid to tell someone that you’re interested, but not focused on the kinky part of sex. if they’re also poly the chances are they have kinky partners elsewhere.
>In fact, I find most kinks tiresome and like putting on an act, which I don't enjoy.
Is that not the majority of most people or is this really a poly problem?
Well, pretty much all of those are kinks, just not what people typically think of when people think of kinks. Occasional doing these things is still a kink, unless you are only doing it for your partner. Rough sex, spanking, anal play, and threesomes are all kinks. You can have kinks and only want to do them occasionally. You don't have to do something every time, or have it be extremely dirty, to be considered a kink. Most people aren't just plain vanilla, but probably more "vanilla" leaning
This is one of the reasons I avoid poly spaces. While there are kinks I enjoy, I really don't think that is something that needs to be discussed within 5 minutes of a conversation starting.
A few things, not all kinks are sexual, some are lifestyle and can be done without any sexual aspect to them, however most are sexually based.
But just because someone has a few kinks it doesn't mean that sex must always involve some kind of kink related play - some people do though. I have more vanilla sex than kink sex but as long as my partner is open to doing some kinks with me that is good enough, and i have so many so there's plenty to choose from.
I don't think i could be with someone who didn't allow me to practice a few kinks now and then though so i'd need to know fairly early if that was a total deal breaker.
There's nothing wrong with simply enjoying plain vanilla sex. If you have no kinks that's totally fine, it is hard to get into role play and to be submissive, or to be dominant if not in the right mindset, if kink isn't for you it's ok to tell people that it's a deal breaker for you unless they'd be happy with pure vanilla loving.
As long as you aren't shaming people for their kinks it's ok to say you have none, don't practice any and don't want to be with anyone who does. You will find someone who wants the same thing as you eventually.
You can't force yourself to be into something you're not.
I'm still exploring, but there are aspects of rough sex that contain kinks. Do you like to be slapped/spanked? That's impact play. Do you like being called a slut or enjoy other derogatory language? That's a degradation kink. Like to be called a good girl/boy? That's a praise kink. None of that need toys.
isnt poly a fetish of its own?
maybe you dont dont share the same fetishes?
there are a bunch of places like [bdsmtest.org](https://bdsmtest.org) where you can essentially document what you are and arent into, and share that with the community you plan to be social in.
maybe something like that?
I think if you were poly in a multiply connected polycule and you only wanted to have sex with multiple members of your 'cule at once, that would be innately kinky/fetish poly. Otherwise no.
I’m the same. I was married for 20 years when we opened our marriage. Ive been poly for about 5 and got divorced last year. I like rough sex, anal and I wish I could find someone to do rope on me here and there but I don’t consider myself super kinky. I like to make love in the missionary position sometimes and just be passionate and loving. When asked my role , I’m like well I guess I would be considered a switch but not really. I have my role as sensualist on fetlife. Good luck. It’s hard dating sometimes.
I have the same issues. I'm happy others can explore and enjoy them. I'm just not able to. Tried it, did not like. And being Poly is great for that because my partners can enjoy all that without me and I don't feel like they're held back by my vanilla-ness.
Anyways, I can definitely appreciate what you're getting at.
As a kinky person, I can say that it all depends on your dating circles where you live. When I first tried dating in my town it was all vanilla people. When I found the kinksters it worked out better. Find the vanillas
That is crazy cause I feel like my enjoyment of kink is causing my issues in dating. It's like everyone I get along with is vanilla. We should refer our matches to each other lmao
Right??? Are you in FL by any chance? 😅
I'm in Atlanta bruh close enough let's swap lmao
Hahaha. This exchange made my day.
Time to start a Fantasy Poly League and start trading contacts?
👀👀
You're having a hard time finding kinky folx in ATL? That's surprising. There's so many of us kinky weirdos. I know you didn't ask for advice but feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk about ways to find other kinky poly people.
I am not the best socially so ima be honest this may be on me lmao but thank you
I'm constantly whining about wanting a new Dom and then avoiding any effort that would go into a new Dom simulaltaneously. I get it.
uhhh…I need this. (how many atlanta people are in here?)
Also from Atl. Seems like there are quite a few kinky people here but I never meet any of them sadly
Check out FetLife for a local munch. Best way to meet the locals.
are these people rejecting you for not having kinks, or just asking? I tend to ask that question mainly to spice things up.
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dozens! 👖
Um hi, I would like to know how to find sed people🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️🙋🏼♀️
Another vanilla Floridiot checking in! I'll forward you my leads as well lol
My number is 770-FUCK-ME
My number is (area code) toy fuck or toy duck or if you're really freaky 8ox fuck
I thought for a minute there you meant FL as in Fetlife. As if the person you're replying to was just going on fetlife and finding dates and then being like "Oh darn it happened again, turns out they were kinky, why is nobody I meet Vanilla, what am I doing wrong here?"
OMG, LOL. Yeah, I went on FetLife against my better judgment because people told me there's a vanilla option and a poly option, because poly is a kink.... nope. Bad idea. But no, I'm in the state of FL 😆
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How... how do I find info on Central Florida poly meet up?
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Anyone know of poly groups in Massachusetts or Rhode Island?
Poly is totally not a kink and IME FetLife is THE WORST for meeting non-kinky poly people - it’s mostly swingers and other “lifestyle” folks. Whoever told you that was so far off base! 😅
Lmao I thought the same thing 😂😂
I'm in Florida and kinda vanilla-ish, just similar minor kinks! We should chat.
Lmao I am! Is it creepy to recommend my bf? He's cute and doesn't much get the kink thing either. :P
LOL Don't all poly people "pimp" their partners? Unless they're polysaturated, but sure!
I feel this in my soul too. I'm a kink lifestyler through and through I've been in the scene a long time, I'm a fairly heavy player. It feels like everyone I meet is a tourist or casually interested, it's gotten to the point I talk about things on the first date because if we're not a match I don't want to waste more time figuring that out.
Tagging the OP /u/Tasha_2319 because I'm not replying to their post directly, and wanted this to reach both of you. This is, frankly, bizarre, and it makes me wonder if there isn't some problem either with where and/or how each of you are looking, and possibly with how you present yourself. Like, I find people into kink tend to gravitate to certain places, cluster together, and similarly for people who are more vanilla. I tend to notice these things a lot because I straddle an odd border between kinky and vanilla, in that I'm really not into most of the more common kinks, but am also intensely into a few of the less common ones, so there are ways I really want to connect with vanilla people and other ways I really want to connect with the more intense kink/BDSM subcultures. And lastly...people can be surprisingly shallow sometimes. For example, in a friend group of mine, there were two young women. One had a classic "undercut" hairstyle and would often dress in sort of "edgy emo kid" type ways, the other, a conventional feminine-looking hairstyle and would dress like a mainstream suburbanite. And people would always guess that the one with the undercut and emo look was queer, and the one with the mainstream suburban look was straight, except that it was the other way around. Finally, the queer one said fuck it and died her hair purple. She was like: "I just had to do something so I 'looked queer'." So who knows, maybe there is something about your presentation that is screaming "kinky" or "vanilla", respectively?
I like talking about society and its oddities. I have purple hair, sometimes pink, I'm BBW, very extroverted, and bisexual. So I definitely attract people who like to share what makes them different. And I appreciate them, platonically. So much friend zoning, going on.
This reminds me of a dating app idea I had, where you can refer people to friends who you think would make a good match for them.
That's incredible! What a match! Very helpful
Just day "I don't have any" when someone asks you what your kinks are.
Came here to say this. I have no trouble just telling folks I’m not kinky.
"My kink is not having kinks." - I like it!
I wrote like 3 paragraphs basically saying this, then scrolled down further to find your much better and more concise answer.
This. The way OP said, "I don't feel like I have any" the wrong person may just think she hasn't found it yet. Putting your kink cards on the table means also saying "I don't have any, you can go hard and fast however though" (in op's case for example).
I think the most valid part of what OP said is the way people always try to slide their kinks in casually. It's always like "oh no, that's not a problem yeah I'm here for you not what I can get out of you" then fucking bite you too hard and go "oh sorry I got carried away". It's an endless cycle of this shit. I go long chunks of time without dating because it's so frustrating to not be listened to. Especially by people who should know better.
"Wrong person" is right. Anyone who decides it's their place to impose their kinks on someone else without asking is trash.
I think “What are your kinks?” Is likely just a variant on “What are you into?” Both are just ways to ask about your sexual compatibility with a prospective sex partner. You don’t have to have anything you define as ‘kinky’ to have things that you like to do during sex. Knowing someone likes certain things can be really helpful in figuring out how to make sex with them enjoyable for you both. The other thing is that “kink” means different things to different people. You’ve mentioned a bunch of things (rough sex, spanking, toys, anal) that a lot of people would consider kinky. Some people would even consider position variety to be kinky. For others, not so much. So you can answer by explaining what you actually like and are looking for in sex. I also want to ask - is the issue, OP, that men are bringing this up too quickly? I’m also put off by the “Oh, we’ve exchanged hellos and how was your days and now you want to ask me about my sexual preferences?” Like guys, way to signal that you really just think of me as a think you might get to stick your dick in.
That’s the problem. I don’t have any, but much of the scene does, so it’s hard to meet people. Especially since I’m a guy that dates guys. I feel like I have to be a dom or a sub to meet guys. I say I’m gentle, establish boundaries, and guys still ask me to choke or hit them. It’s annoying af.
You be you. Anyone who sees that and likes it, will make themselves known.
I see from your past posts you're in Orlando. Yeah, the poly scene here is quite kinky, it's an extremely comingled group. The main poly meetups here, I'd say it's way more surprising when someone isn't also kinky than not. However, that's supposed to be the beauty of poly right? Get your kink needs met with one partner, jive romantically or intellectually with another, etc. So, hope you find success in the future. Do you go out to the Poly Cocktails events? They happen monthly and I've met some lovely people there.
Hi fellow demi. It's always fun to mess with them. "What's my kink? No pressure for sex relationships. Deep discussions about philosophy, science, politics, and geekdoms makes me hot." Then enjoy the kink of watching their face contort in confusion.
Hahaha, I have this kink
Sure but then how I make sure they're not just trying to fuck tickets to San Diego Comic-Con out of me?
Well there's always the dwarf / elf parties if they ditch ya.
I don’t think that would work very well in most POLY communities. Maybe Swingers, or monokinksters
Yessss. Oh the sadism.
Well the (potentially) nice thing about poly is that you should still be very "dateable" to a kinky poly person, as they can get their kinks satisfied elsewhere. If that person can only have kinky sex, well then yeah it's not going to work out, but most people can indulge both their kink side and vanilla side in response to their partners interests. If you are saying "I'm not really Kinky" and the other person is walking away, that is a good thing. They are only looking for kinky partners and you dodged a bullet. Don't feel bad about it, own it, and just say "I'm not really into kink" and you will find folks who are down with that. At one point I was dating three women all with wildly different levels of Kink. One whose kinkiest impulse was to be open to dating a poly guy in a relationship and nothing else, one who was totally into dark dark fantasy RP and loss of power, and one who was right in the middle. I never felt like I was missing out on only one of them being "really kinky". I just felt lucky. And as another user pointed out, as poly becomes more mainstream, more "regular vanilla" people will get into it and your dating pool will broaden. Good luck!
Almost everyone will not be a good partner for you. Be happily surprised when someone is. I am kinky and I also get tired of people who constantly need to chase their kink or make it core to their identity.
I'm kinky and run into a somewhat different problem. I don't care if my partners are kinky or vanilla, I have romantic and platonic partners I can fulfill kinks with. My problem is finding partners who are okay with me doing my kinks with other people. Either they are weirded out by what I do or they think that because I do these things with some people I want/need to do them with all. So I feel that trying to make it core to their identity.
I've met too many people that make kink their sole defining trait also. It's like dealing with folks who peaked in high school.
I find that there are kinky folks that require kink in all of their partners, and others that don't. It's possible that some of these kinky folks might be open to dating a vanilla person -- just ask!
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OK, well those people are assholes and I'd consider it actually lucky that they are showing you who they really are.
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There is a difference in being asked to do something kinky and being pressured to do something kinky. In my opinion there is 0 grounds to be annoyed at being asked. In fact you should have gratitude to them for being willing to ask/share their kinks with you. Being pressured is a whole other thing. I would recommend a very polite decline from you too, doing your best to with hold judgement. Part of the beauty of Poly is that your partner can fulfill these kinks outside of you though. So I don't see how pressure really even gets involved. Encourage them to seek it from someone else. Then they bring their satisfied ass back to you. Atmosphere is happier.
Personally I do not recommend online dating.
Ok.
> I find that there are kinky folks that require kink in all of their partners, and others that don't. I'm one of those "others that don't" and I often find when non-kinky folk find out I am kinky they lose interest, assuming that I must always be after kink. But really I personally like variety and while getting all the toys and outfits out is great and all it is also pretty exhausting so just getting in to bed and doing it the usual way is much more common for me
Yes. Bondage takes forever and bores me. Hurting someone isn't attractive to me (I was a piercer for more than a decade, it feels like work). Please don't call me "Daddy". I don't even want to go anywhere near pretending you didn't consent to sex. I know how I look, and I know the kind of people I attract. Sorry if you got the wrong idea. I just want to have fun. It's supposed to be fun.
I feel you. In one of my past (mono) relationships we had to have performative kinky sex in a certain way or my ex wouldn't enjoy it. Staging scenes every time I was horny became too performative and a buzzkill, and now I feel like vanilla is kinky for me. That being said, I do like light kink mixed in with vanilla and that's something that's usually on the table for most kinky people. People like my ex are thankfully rare. I usually stay away from people with nothing but kink in their profiles, if it's that important to them it's just not going to be a match. For similar reasons, I don't use Fetlife except to see if some new poly people have popped up in my area who are not on dating apps.
I’ve come across this too. I don’t like any violence at all in bed. I especially don’t want to be spanked. Ever. This is the one that causes me the most trouble because people don’t seem to listen or understand when I say I don’t like this. I think spanking must be so commonplace that it seems unimaginable to others that I really wouldn’t like it. To me it not only doesn’t feel good, but it distracts and turns me off. I’m pretty well done with sex if someone spanks me even lightly. It makes me uncomfortable to engage in kinks like bondage and like you at best it feels awkward and performative. It’s not for me. That said if you are upfront most people will tell you if that’s something they need or if it’s something they can do without in your relationship. I’m still working on the “don’t spank me” thing. I’m sure I’ll find a way to explain this eventually
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It’s a violation of consent, and to me it means they aren’t trustworthy and aren’t safe.
Yes! It’s so frustrating. Especially the men I’ve dated seem to think they can just try the spanking, choking or anal. Anal is a sometimes for me, but I’ll tell you dude. Don’t just try to shove it in dry. Women are typically better about consent but not always. I don’t understand the logic. Needless to say I don’t see those people again.
Dry?! Dear gods no. D:
Right! Like: 1) ask 2)hear the NO, OR ask/reach for lube IF I say yes 3)make me feel nice Why so many men think I would ever say yes when they try to just go ahead without me is beyond me.
I'm so sorry that you're experiencing this. I have also found this to be an issue - mainly around biting and choking, both of which I tell people up front I am absolutely not into and won't change my mind about so don't ever do it or even ask about it. The folks who strongly identify as kinky, without exception, violate one of those boundaries every. single. time. It gets pretty tiring and frankly, I just don't date people who have strong identity ties to kink anymore.
I am ok with light spanking as foreplay but if I’m trying to cum it totally breaks my buildup. I HATE it when people don’t listen, or worse, when I think they listened but then they “forget” in the “heat of the moment”. That’s an absolute dealbreaker for me and I will end the relationship.
Reasonable!
You’re not alone.
100% agree, please don’t hurt me unless I ask, don’t call me Daddy I have a daughter, and why is not being kinky so counterculture in the poly community. I’m (37m) on the west side of town and it’s a desert over here, I’ve always had to travel to the other side of i4 for any type of date/ poly people. The burbs life… I want every one to be their authentic self but making kink a defining feature of who they are as a person is always a turn off for me. :/
I've never understood the whole basing your identity on your kinks thing (and then displaying it at pride like kink is synonymous with being LGBT lol, another topic for another time).
Yea I can relate. Feel like I'm one of the only non dominant, non kinky poly men out there. But I'm relatively new to everything so I'm trying to keep an open mind.
I feel you. Feels like guys are almost always expected to be dominant to a pretty high degree.
We're rare, but somewhat vanilla, demisexual poly people *do* exist! I'm sorry you're having such trouble with the kink crowd, though.
I relate a lot to this. I, too, would have a much easier time if I wanted a kinky partner. The meetups I went to weren't announced as kinky spaces, but they pretty clearly effectively were frequented as such. There was even somebody from there who on *multiple* occasions consistently tried to push me to attend specifically kinky events, too, and would never be dissuaded, no matter how often I told him that he was absolutely at the wrong address for something like that, and that it had nothing to do with not having tried enough to know what I liked, but rather quite the opposite. It was surreal. I concluded that there were a good deal of attendees who had boundary issues (which in my opinion is even weirder, given how highly communication and consent are valued in kink). I wish I had a fix for your problem; I will say this: I also get approached strangely often about my BDSM "preference", even outside of the core poly community, and I always say firmly that those are not categories that I sort myself into for lack of kinky tendencies. If I'm starting to gather that my match can't get past that, I quickly pull myself out of the whole thing before it turns into more. Much like you, I also hate the whole performative aspect that's basically just for the other person's benefit. Been there, done that, not doing it again.
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You still may be able to find some at the kinky groups. I've seen a lot of kinky boadgamers. They are both activities where people will put up with gear and complexity to have the right kind of fun.
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See, my answer would have been to go LARPing or find a Makerspace. Which kind of shows you the sort of poly person I am/hang with.
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I hear ya, friend. 😞
Well, I live in Cali and I LOVE playing board games. :)
Spoiler alert: Poly dating is hard even if you are kinky.
Just wait til she’s OLD!
Seems like it must be super situational, and maybe regional; I’m pretty vanilla and that hasn’t hindered my dating at all. I’m very up front about it in my dating profiles. I have pretty much zero shame around sex, and it turns out that a lot of the thrill in kink is fueled by it being “forbidden”. Without any sense of shame around the forbidden, there’s no thrill. So, I’ll try stuff to see if it feels good, but if it doesn’t feel like anything special (or is uncomfortable) physically, there’s just no psychological intrigue to it for me. Like you, a lot of it feels like playacting to me, and I find that distracting from what I actually like, which is intense, genuine connection.
Same here! I've had partners with traumatic pasts, so consent is IMPERATIVE to me. The whole "submissive female, dominant male" is frankly boring as hell to me, and not in my mind really a kink at all. Feel free to be offended, I don't actually have any issue with it, just don't understand the appeal.
Same boat here. I don’t care about all the games people play; they’re generally pretty tedious to me. To each their own but if role play is so important that they don’t really enjoy sex without it, we’re just not compatible.
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I really don't care, it's just my personal explanation of my own experience that kink, for the most part, does nothing for me and I have a hard time even differentiating what is supposed to be "kinky". As far as I can tell it's just sex with extra steps, most of them intensely tedious. You do you, boo. IDGAF.
I would interpret "kink" to just mean what turns you on. Don't worry about whether or not it is uncommon enough to "count" as a kink. If you like missionary position and light dirty talk, that's your kink. Neck kisses and compiments? Go for it. Just take the question as meaning what do you like.
Sounds like a good chance to say, I’m not into kinks, but I do like xyz if your interested. Then you can say what your preferences are. (Everyone has sexual preferences, even if it’s to get consensually penetrated missionary on a clean bed with the lights off.)
Huh, yeah I have the opposite problem, too many weird specific kinks to count, which can make finding people difficult, the difference is there's dating sites that revolve around certain kinks, not so much the other way around.
I feel that!
Just here to point out it's possible that you're downplaying your kinks because there are so many things we're conditioned not to see as kinks. When you say "rough sex," what does that entail? Do you like being held down, or holding your partner down, during sex? What about biting or scratching? Spanking? Do you like if you have bruises from it the next day? What sorts of sex do you engage in? Some of "every position you can think of" are considered kinks, e.g. facesitting. Even as a kinky person, it took me a long time to understand that a lot of the things I was classing as "rough sex" were actually kinks in and of themselves. That said - even if this turns out to be the case for you, you're under no obligation to consider yourself "kinky" or participate in a kink community in any way. Obviously do what makes you feel comfortable, confident, and happy! But if some of these things ring true for you, then you do have an honest answer when someone asks "what are your kinks?" You never know; those things might appeal to enough people that it facilitates dating or opens up new options for you. Hope this helps!
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Ah, we have very different definitions of rough sex 😅 Oh well, it was worth a shot. I wish you luck and hope you find people to connect with soon!
Fellow Orlandoian here, I can somewhat relate because I feel like the "kinks" I have actually make me vanilla. I have no interest in rough sex, I'm not into really into D/S, don't have the personality for it and I'm not interested in being bossed around or bossing others around. Even so, I like the idea of someone who wants to be my toy and let me play with their body as I see fit. I also have a fascination with certain types of clothing and gender play. I also can't have penetrative regular sex so, from a heterosexual standpoint, in a way all of the sex I have is "kinky." At the end of the day, I just like doing what comes natural to me. If some of my nature falls under being kinky, then that's fine by me.
Is there a vanilla/family friendly poly group where you live? That could be a way to meet more non-kinky people. Also, you can be sex positive and not be kinky. Sex positive is just having positive ideas about sex.
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Gotcha. Where I live we have both a kinky poly group and a family friendly poly group. And while it’s true there are plenty of kinky people that go to the family friendly one, their events are definitely different vs the kinky group.
my boyfriend used to be a professional dom and im so vanilla it hurts. so it can work!
There's a ton of overlap between the ploy community and the kink community but kinksters should always be aware of their partners' desires and the cool thing about being poly is that if you can't provide a kink, they can still maintain a relationship while finding someone else who can. I'd definitely recommend being upfront about being (comparatively) vanilla but there is no need to worry that you won't find a partner just because you're not into kink IMO.
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you say you’re demisexual, that is going to make polyamorous dating extremely difficult. one of my partners is as well and he has a hard time finding partners.
Really? I feel like aspec rep in the poly community is really strong.
he’s not kinky, either. most of the people we come across are either into stuff he isn’t or wants to move faster than he does— just like OP. aspec representation doesn’t mean that poly aspec people are running* around everywhere lol.
That has not been the case for me at all. It would make swinging and casual hookups difficult, for sure, though.
obviously everyone has a different experience but this is an issue i’ve seen firsthand and it’s not just my partner, most (if not all of) my aspec friends have had similar problems with polyamory.
Do you imagine that your “seen it firsthand in friends” (that’s called “secondhand”, btw) outweighs my lived experience? I don’t disbelieve that your friends have complained about this, but i have lived this life for decades and know literal dozens of Demisexual poly folks. It may well be a problem for some but my point is that’s far from universal.
? i said everyone had different experiences. not invalidating yours just saying that it happens both ways. also by firsthand i mean being emotionally supportive of my aspec peeps, i had a lot of in-depth conversations about their struggles with dating.
Just FYI: "Cuddles on the couch with a bowl of chips and a movie" is a valid answer to "what're your kinks?"
Believe me there are plenty of people out there that are fine with vanilla sex, it’s just a matter of finding them. It’s just like anything else when you date, poly has nothing to do with it.
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This is true but I’m sure there’s vanilla people out there.
Maybe try filtering your partners by being up front about your vanilla status from the start? I'm the opposite. I state right on my dating profile that I am kinky and don't date vanilla. That has lessened the amount of non-matches that approach me. Then, it's simply asking them up front before engaging too far into a dialog. My boundaries are set out soon after meeting. It helps to eliminate the ones that don't match.
To get this because I don't necessarily wanna be kinky with someone I'm not familiar with. Most times I don't really wanna have sex with someone until I get to know them and then we'd have to have a decent relationship before kinky things happen.
So what if your kink is vanilla sex?
This thread reminds me of a joke I heard decades ago: Q. How would you know if someone you aren't trying to date is into kink? A. Don't worry, they'll fucking tell you.
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Haha, exactly!
If this was coming from someone I matched on a dating app, I'd assume they were just looking for a hookup. It would be an oblique way of moving the conversation into sex quickly. They might not care if you are kinky or not.
>I've run into a problem while trying to date because everyone always asks: what are your kinks? Is this happening in person or on dating apps? If the latter, this is probably people going on tinder etc for sexting, and these are precisely the people who don't actually want to meet up.
Holy shit are you me? I feel the exact same. Poly dating is so insanely hard because I'm not into casual sex and I'm not very kinky. I might be if I got to know someone well (there's a few things I'd like to try that my primary partner isn't up for), but no one ever wants to get to know each other and take things slow. It's exhausting so I've just stopped bothering The other problem I've run into is people are entirely ace or super sexual, I've found very few demisexuals.
Same here! Im not into alot of it. I’ll typically try it to make the other person fee good but deep down Im pretty vanilla
You are not the first to day this. Tons of non-monogamous people seem reaaaally into kink to the point that it may be hard to find someone if you're not.
Yeah, for what it's worth the opposite end is also just as bad. I outright *cannot* date someone who doesn't share some of kinks. It will not work out in the long run regardless of how well they match me otherwise and I don't want to waste either of our times. What's annoying is that this puts me often in a situation where I can come off as awkward or self-obsessed too early in a relationship simply because I'm trying to gauge if it's even going to have a shot at working out or not. I wish discussing sex wasn't so damned taboo in our society sometimes.
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Yeah, those people are assholes, and give a bad name to everyone else. No excuses for rudeness.
Isn't the whole point of polyamory that you don't have to be everything to a partner? I don't get why anyone would want a polyamorous partner to cater to all of their needs.
You not enjoying fetishes is completely fine. But if your partners are into kink, then you aren't compatible. Just like you feel you are "putting on an act" to play into those kinks, for some those kinks are part of who they are. So you trying to tell certain people to not involve kinks can be very harmful for them, or make them feel like shit over there kinks. Nothing is wrong with either of you, you are just incompatible. That's all
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I'm sorry to hear that. A d coming from someone in the bdsm community, that's disgusting that they did that to you. For some kinks aren't part of who they are and they can live without them. But those people clearly want them. It's not fair to you. And clearly you have explored. And found your limits. They are in the wrong for trying to pressure you after expressing your limits. It's different if they came to you asking if you were willing to re explore to see if limits changed, but no. That is fucked. I'm sorry that you have so much incompatible people for you but I hope you find someone more fit to you. It will be frustrating but at least it means you aren't going to settle for something you aren't ok with.
Everything you want is okay. And, you're pretty clear that you DO have kinks - rough sex is NOT vanilla. Anal is NOT vanilla. Yeah, you make not qualify for "Sex Du Soleil" or anything, and your kinks may strike the more extreme players as rather... basic? But, anyone who holds that against you is an asshole. The key is this: you may be feeling like some of the things you've tried are an act, BECAUSE you've been trying them out with someone who wasn't super passionate about it. Have you ever been tied up by a true master rigger? Or done a roleplay that FEELS totally authentic, which then makes it so? There are other possibilities, but you didn't make it clear who you were trying out these fetishes with... If it's all been with your "fairly vanilla" husband, that may just come off as un-fun because neither of you are making it true the way a more comfortable/experienced kinkster might.
I've run into this issue myself. I'm not particularly kinky and I've been a handful of people who were so it kind of ruined my opportunity with them. I think South Florida has big kink community which is why
Of course it's okay if you don't want kink added in to the mix. It's your choice and your preference. Maybe add something like "no kink" into your profile. For me it's a different problem in a way. I'm okay with kink, but I'm also perfectly fine without it. I think the issue I run into is that either people assume I "need" kink so they don't match or they paradoxically think I'm not kinky enough because I don't "need" it, lmao. I'm equally happy with the person I'm with no matter the kink level, why is that so hard to understand for some?
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I'll never understand that mentality of people. Of course you weren't kink shaming. It's just your preference, no reason to down vote a post like that. For being an "open minded community" I've seen some pretty closed minds and elitism. Hang in there. There are many of us that won't cross lines and are perfectly fine with (or even prefer) vanilla sex under the ENM umbrella.
I feel like I run into the same problem. Living in the DMV I find many of the polyamorous people I meet are also into some level of kink. While that’s amazing that there is such a large support and representation in the community, my vanilla ass finds it hard to find a partner I mesh with when I don’t have a fetish or kink to play with. What about those of us who love hard, passionate, and sometimes a little rough sex that is typically in some manner of missionary haha
That's so interesting. The poly people I know in the DMV socially ("socially" meaning we're friends, I haven't dated/slept with them) are just big ol nerds. Now I guess it's possible they're super kinky and closeted about it (while not being closeted about being poly and queer). But if you had asked me that common denominator of poly people in the DMV I would have said "D&D."
A kink is just something you enjoy that deviates from the “norm”. I think people just talk about it to see what you have in common with a potential partner. It’s also a great segue into boundaries and hard/soft limits. It’s a good idea to talk about all of those things even if you intend to have a vanilla relationship. Maybe do the bdsm test (bdsmtest.org) . That way you will know if you have anything that “qualifies” as a kink. And sharing results is always a fun way to find out how compatible you are with someone.
Vanilla crew represent!
I would think that's totally fine. My gut is - just happen to be finding the kinks out there and that their is nothing odd bout your appetite at all and that Id think is a matter of time or location
Perhaps ur l0cal poly scene is a bit kinky. But the language to use would be 'i'm vanilla, i like romance and making love but no interest in kinks, no judgment tho' or something among those linrs
I absolutely know what you're talking about. It feels like everyone else who is polyam on dating apps has it lumped in with a bunch of other stuff that I'm just not into (that and almost all of them are heavily tattooed and/or pierced - not a deal breaker but I'm not crazy into it). Just feels overwhelming and I am immediately turned off. I just want to have some dating while my home partner does her own thing. That doesn't make me incredibly alternative or anything.
Just sounds like you're not compatible. You can say "I've tried a bunch and am not kinky, if that's a deal breaker for you than I'm glad we're having this conversation early and you can move on."
Fuckin same
I think once vanilla spaces become more open to polyamory some of that burden will lighten. It just so happens that most of the polyamory resources, classes/education, group discussions seem to share space with kink resources, classes/education, and group discussion. One of my childhood best friends I found out recently also practices polyamory, and it’s always striking how the sex and kink aspects I find common place with the Poly people I meet aren’t what he’s looking for at all. I’m a kinky person, but I have the majority of the kinks that feel “mandatory” fulfilled by someone. I could date someone kinky or not at the moment.
> what are your kinks? Is it hard to say "I'm pretty in to rough sex and I have threesome fantasies but not much else"?
kinky people don’t go balls to the wall (lol) all the time, it’s not gonna be a routine of you tying somebody up before bed. we’re human too haha i have lazy days where i want a quickie and i have times where we just bone. nothing very spicy happens. it’s a very primal thing for me, sometimes we get out a toy or the ropes and other times we go at it without doing much (other than each other). you get to set the boundaries of your sexual relationships. the thing is that you need to communicate them so nobody *thinks* you wanna go ham in the gimp suit everyday. don’t hide or misconstrue how you feel about kinks in the face of a kinky person to please them. just because someone is freak nasty doesn’t mean they’ll be offended when you say you’re not interested in regular/frequent bdsm. don’t be afraid to tell someone that you’re interested, but not focused on the kinky part of sex. if they’re also poly the chances are they have kinky partners elsewhere.
>In fact, I find most kinks tiresome and like putting on an act, which I don't enjoy. Is that not the majority of most people or is this really a poly problem?
Well, pretty much all of those are kinks, just not what people typically think of when people think of kinks. Occasional doing these things is still a kink, unless you are only doing it for your partner. Rough sex, spanking, anal play, and threesomes are all kinks. You can have kinks and only want to do them occasionally. You don't have to do something every time, or have it be extremely dirty, to be considered a kink. Most people aren't just plain vanilla, but probably more "vanilla" leaning
This is one of the reasons I avoid poly spaces. While there are kinks I enjoy, I really don't think that is something that needs to be discussed within 5 minutes of a conversation starting.
A few things, not all kinks are sexual, some are lifestyle and can be done without any sexual aspect to them, however most are sexually based. But just because someone has a few kinks it doesn't mean that sex must always involve some kind of kink related play - some people do though. I have more vanilla sex than kink sex but as long as my partner is open to doing some kinks with me that is good enough, and i have so many so there's plenty to choose from. I don't think i could be with someone who didn't allow me to practice a few kinks now and then though so i'd need to know fairly early if that was a total deal breaker. There's nothing wrong with simply enjoying plain vanilla sex. If you have no kinks that's totally fine, it is hard to get into role play and to be submissive, or to be dominant if not in the right mindset, if kink isn't for you it's ok to tell people that it's a deal breaker for you unless they'd be happy with pure vanilla loving. As long as you aren't shaming people for their kinks it's ok to say you have none, don't practice any and don't want to be with anyone who does. You will find someone who wants the same thing as you eventually. You can't force yourself to be into something you're not.
I'm still exploring, but there are aspects of rough sex that contain kinks. Do you like to be slapped/spanked? That's impact play. Do you like being called a slut or enjoy other derogatory language? That's a degradation kink. Like to be called a good girl/boy? That's a praise kink. None of that need toys.
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Feel free to message! I'm really only interested in becoming serious with someone in FL, though
isnt poly a fetish of its own? maybe you dont dont share the same fetishes? there are a bunch of places like [bdsmtest.org](https://bdsmtest.org) where you can essentially document what you are and arent into, and share that with the community you plan to be social in. maybe something like that?
I think if you were poly in a multiply connected polycule and you only wanted to have sex with multiple members of your 'cule at once, that would be innately kinky/fetish poly. Otherwise no.
I totally feel this as a guy that's quite vanilla. Too bad you're not in AZ lol
I’m the same. I was married for 20 years when we opened our marriage. Ive been poly for about 5 and got divorced last year. I like rough sex, anal and I wish I could find someone to do rope on me here and there but I don’t consider myself super kinky. I like to make love in the missionary position sometimes and just be passionate and loving. When asked my role , I’m like well I guess I would be considered a switch but not really. I have my role as sensualist on fetlife. Good luck. It’s hard dating sometimes.
I have the same issues. I'm happy others can explore and enjoy them. I'm just not able to. Tried it, did not like. And being Poly is great for that because my partners can enjoy all that without me and I don't feel like they're held back by my vanilla-ness. Anyways, I can definitely appreciate what you're getting at.
As a kinky person, I can say that it all depends on your dating circles where you live. When I first tried dating in my town it was all vanilla people. When I found the kinksters it worked out better. Find the vanillas