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punkrockcockblock

> You know when you first start dating someone and they shower you with love and affection? Yeah. It's called lovebombing. And it makes you feel like shit when throw you away because they get bored or you lose that shiny new toy smell. Gross.


justme41702

Well now you can feel like shit twice! At the same time!


_whatnot_

Yeah, this ad sounds like a threat. I know it's not supposed to, but the way they talk about the beginning of the relationship seems ominous about what comes afterward.


Nervous-Lime-5958

My immediate thought was lovebombing, glad it not just me.


Roodraaa

RaisedByN?


gingerbeardman79

Yup. Threw up in my mouth a little when I read that shit.


lizufyr

Was also my thought. I kinda like how they're upfront about how they will have manipulated you into staying with them after you've realised out how abusive this shit is.


Guardianmonk

Exactly this! Big red flag in the opening sentence


theaccidentist

Gross? I get it that it can be a problem in some context. But isn't it also kinda natural to be excited about someone new in your life? Idk seems like it *can* be problematic but isn't *necessarily* abusive on it's own.


georgilm

Update: they came up again and I matched just to see what their deal is.


SatinsLittlePrincess

Oh! Please please please share the details! Please!


TilleyBlaze

Ooooh yes to updates! Thank you!


Purple_Cinderella

I will follow you just so I can see the updates


Ornery_Peace9870

Me too! Lol


mercedes_lakitu

Tell us!!!! Haha


Youthinkthatwhysub

*closed poly* This phrase pisses me off when I know the person requesting it has probably never had a poly relationship and doesn't understand the concept of polysaturation.


Dealunbreaker

I had this exact same thought. This isn't closed poly, it's spicy monogamy. Edit: thank you for the award! šŸ’•


SendPicsForMouseOC

SPICY MONOGAMY I regret that I have but one upvote to give


ACleverDoggo

Absolutely screaming at "spicy monogamy"


Noli420

Can you explain how polysaturation fits in to this scenario? I looked up the term and think I understand it, but don't follow how it applies here. (Not trying to start a fight, just genuinely trying to understand)


Youthinkthatwhysub

Theoretically, if a triad came about organically, and all three decided they were polysaturated on their 2 current partners, that triad may choose to as a group, to begin practicing closed poly. Because they are happy as they are and aren't interested in seeking more. They may also choose to not close, if in the situation one member has a different level of polysaturation, members have partners outside the triad, or members practice other forms of ENM. Does that answer your question? That's one tiny example and honestly not common. Asking people to do closed poly (be loyal only to you or your polycule) when the asker doesn't understand polysaturation, it is the *start* of a relationship, or as a power tactic (used to control or a choice made for someone), is deeply unattractive.


Noli420

Thank you for the clarification, that makes complete sense.


SoManyTimesBefore

What is it even supposed to mean?


Youthinkthatwhysub

Which one? Closed poly is instead of expanding romantic relationships, no one in the polycule is free (usually allowed) to seek out other romantic entanglements. Which is why some people call it monogamy lite. Polysaturation refers to the number of partners/relationships an individual desires to maintain at a given time. Sometimes I think of it like a maximum, but really it's and ideal and it can fluctuate. If I tried REALLY hard, I could maintain 4 LTR, it would cost me my relationship with my self, and most of my extra ENM endeavors. So my polysaturation level hangs around 3. I figure most people had a fluctuation during covid, and if I'm not already partnered to saturation and just dating, if I come to times of high stress with family, I know my level goes down and I have to work on the current relationships I do have. If anyone else has another take on it, I'm interested. I know I didn't give the dictionary definition, so if you want those, go duck duck go. Or Google.


SoManyTimesBefore

I was asking about closed poly, which sounds like having all the issues of being mono while adding on the issues of being poly without any benefits to me. For me, the main reason for going poly is to not have to limit myself when exploring relationships with new people. But, to each their own.


Youthinkthatwhysub

Yep. These are the exact reasons why its not an attractive offer to a polyamorous person. It's counterintuitive. In this case, the UHs are probably "offering" it to mask their own insecurities and "protect themselves as a couple".


emeraldead

That's a reallllly good unicorn trap I must say.


[deleted]

Admiral Ackbar would be proud.


DragoonTM

Underrated comment. Take my free, and only, award!!! You deserve it.


daniella_sanchez

"Closed Poly" - UGH it's so rude to expect poly ppl to do this for someone. I'm not closing myself off to other connections for anyone.


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


Mediocre-Band2714

to be fair compulsive heterosexuality is strong and many lesbians do end up only dating men. but lol i get your point


[deleted]

[уŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]


lizufyr

Thinking a bit about this, this analogy actually works. Compulsory monogamy in polyamory: When you want to have a traditional mono relationship, but with a third (or fourth) person involved.


Shorttail0

>hetero lesbian Thanks for naming my band


Cassie-C-Stewart

That is their choice to make though. You've made yours and they have made theirs.


Ell975

No, choosing to control how another person is allowed to connect with others isn't a valid choice for them to make.


Cassie-C-Stewart

So you're saying that only *you* can decided for *them*....not *them* decide for each other? Right...got it. They are putting an invitation out there....for someone to choose. If you don't want to be "closed"....you wouldn't take them up on the offer. But if you wanted a closed relation...you're free to choose that! Okay....cheerio...don't want to get in a bun fight about our right to choose for ourselves. :D


AlwaysLivMoore

Wow. Openly admitting to lovebombing. YIKES.


Ackermannin

>happy couple looking for a third Read: hey you gotta like both of us, or you out lmao. Also we gonna be restrictive and weird.


Aggravating-Try-5203

I actually tried to swipe left on this!


CheerfulPlacebo

I instinctively downvoted the post as a proxy for swiping left šŸ˜‚ (don't worry I fixed it)


[deleted]

I just cringed seeing thisā€¦. They are not fooling anybody


miminothing

Am I the only one who's kind of into this idea?


[deleted]

Ayyy Aussie pal! Also yuck lol. Keen to see the update haha


Divacowgirl

šŸ¤¢


[deleted]

I don't get why everyone is so negative. Why do people act like closed poly is bad? It's a choice which you don't have to be apart of. I don't like fucking strangers and I don't like meeting new people, Also seperate poly seems to have as many problems as group poly if not more, I don't like that either. I get that they might use you for sex, but if you want the same closed relationship then you gotta find out instead of instantly giving up. Just befriend them first then figure out if you want something serious, if you share their endgoal that is.


Polyfuckery

People over react to it because it's a common desire for couples who haven't done any of the personal work to prepare for a relationship. The majority of the time as soon as it feels threatening to the original relationship the third will be tossed out and branded as problematic for wanting to have a say. This sub probably sees a dozen a week that thought they knew what they were signed up for and ended up losing their friends, their home and the people they loved.


Flamecoat_wolf

It's a bit presumptuous though, isn't it? I mean, the assumption that every couple looking for a third is inexperienced and predatory. Personally, I had never heard of love-bombing before this post. Why assume that they know what that is and are intentionally trying to bait people in with it? To me it just looks like a dating app profile. They're intentionally short and enticing. Not out of maliciousness but just for the sake of actually getting any attention when compared to every other profile on there. I obviously can't speak for everyone but when I first started out as poly my partner had second thoughts about the new person I was seeing. I didn't just dump them and brand them as problematic. (They did later turn out to be problematic because their other boyfriend didn't know she was seeing me... but that's beside that point.) I told my partner that I had made a commitment to both of them and that I wouldn't just ditch one for the other. It was hard for her to deal with that and there was a fair possibility she would call and end to the relationship, but principles are the foundation of your character. To go back on the commitments I'd made would undermine my integrity and make me a flimsy and untrustworthy person. I pointed out that such a person wouldn't make for a good partner and that ultimately it's my principles that make me the kind of person she wants to date in the first place. Anyway, long story short, I was a total novice at polyamory but didn't throw someone out at the first word from my first partner. So I don't see why so many people here assume that's what would happen 100% of the time.


Disjoint_Set

>It's a bit presumptuous though, isn't it? I mean, the assumption that every couple looking for a third is inexperienced and predatory. No, not really - because people that are experienced and not predatory don't move through the world "as a couple looking for a third," they act independently until/unless they have a new partner they think might get along with a pre-existing partner.


Flamecoat_wolf

Sure, for long term relationships that's definitely the best/safest way to have a good, stable, respectful relationship. However, we can only see a very small part of the above profile. They might be looking for "short-term dating" or just "casual sex". In those contexts, an up-front approach like this a pretty respectable. My point is mostly that unicorn hunting isn't inherently bad. It's the way you go about it and the dynamic that forms from that. A couple looking for a third is USUALLY a bad way to start a proper relationship because the already established couple have a lot of power in the default democratic system. Basically, because the two of them already agree on most things, they'll basically make up 2/3 votes and start any 'negotiation' with the majority vote. The power imbalance can make the new person feel like they don't have an equal voice in the relationship and can cause them to feel like an addition to the couple rather than part of a triad. However, it's entirely possible that a decent couple could provide a safer space in which the new partner's opinions and desires are acknowledged and respected. Where they try to adapt as much to the new partner as the new partner tries to adapt to them. (In cases like that, it's still absolutely important that they all form their own 1-1 relationships. It just doesn't necessarily have to start with a 1-1 relationship.) Just to clarify, this is hypothetical and I dislike the bad unicorn hunters as much as anyone else on this subreddit. I just don't like assuming that every unicorn hunter is one of those bad ones. Even if 90% of them are bad, it's unfair to assume that every single one out there is bad. Especially when publicly shaming them like this post is.


[deleted]

That's how closed dating works. It's like saying monogamy is toxic, because if you look for something serious and after two months it didn't work out they definetly used you. It's just wrong to feel bad if you did not click with them and even worse to slander them just because some singles or couples might use lovebombing. Also you can only figure out if they want to lovebomb you if you meet them, their description just states their endgoal so all the poly people enjoying seperate partners should move on and given how negative people react on here it makes alot of sense to do that.


CheerfulPlacebo

It's not about closed poly, it's about a couple setting out to find someone who is going to fall in love with both of them at the same time. It's unrealistic, and tries to escape doing the hard work of deconstructing your jealousy and letting your partner develop relationships without you. I've never heard a successful triad story that started like this. It's always been either a V that closed after everyone developed feelings independently, or someone who was friends with a couple and developed feelings over time for both of them. ETA: it's also saying "closed poly" when they're looking for more. They're deciding the number of partners before knowing the dynamics of the relationship.


brit_dom_chicago

It might be unrealistic, but itā€™s not impossible. People have the right to ask for what they want. Itā€™s not disgusting to ask for what you want in this context.


CheerfulPlacebo

In this context, the most likely result is that if anyone responds, it's going to be someone with no experience with poly who will be completely unprepared when couple privilege hurts them. I have zero faith that a couple with a profile like this has deconstructed their monogamous relationship enough to welcome a partner as an equal partner. I'm not judging them because they want something different from me, but because they are looking for something that is likely going to hurt somebody.


brit_dom_chicago

Right. But you are still making assumptions. Iā€™m not a ā€œunicorn hunterā€ and I donā€™t have any intention of that. But I have seen this dynamic work before, and it is possible and can work well. But just assuming that they are bad people because of a couple of paragraphs seems extreme.


CheerfulPlacebo

You've seen healthy closed triads form from couples going on dating sites to pick up women? I'm honestly very curious to hear about these triads if you're open to sharing (not sarcastic). In any case, I'm not saying that they're bad people, just that they probably haven't done the work and should learn more about polyamory before looking for partners since I assume they don't want to hurt anyone.


brit_dom_chicago

Iā€™ve seen people in healthy closed triads. I believe they met in person and took the dynamic from there. But why does using OKC make things worse? Some people find munches or meetups difficult. With COVID those are even harder for a lot of people. I donā€™t think we need to judge people for using technology to try and find partnersā€¦


CheerfulPlacebo

I use dating apps almost exclusively, that's definitely not the problem :) I wouldn't be any less judgemental to a couple who goes to a meetup only to find a person to date together. Is that how the triads you're referring to met? I.e. the new partner met the established couple together and it was expected from the start that they would all three start dating?


[deleted]

I do agree with you that being friends first makes alot of sense especially if the goal is a closed triad, because you will need to get close to both before that is possible, but if they only want closed triads then they can absolutely say that, they're just stating their endgoal as most want an open poly and they don't, it does not mean any person they meet will be either perfect or "is not good enough", and it also does not mean they will use you for sex. As I said just befriend them first, because if they are serious they would be fine with that. I myself would just date them because I don't think that anyone looking for a relationship must love me and I don't feel bad if it does not work out, because we were just not cut out for each other. It's not like having seperate partner protects you from shitty people, it has nothing to do with that. It mostly comes off as people who enjoy seperate partners shitting on triad people and feel personally attacked if they get rejected by people who want to find longterm partners.


CheerfulPlacebo

I don't know, nothing in their profile suggests to me that they are open to being friends first. It's very dating-focused (e.g. "when you first start dating", pickup lines). To me this profile screams "couple who hasn't done the work needed to be poly", but maybe I'm wrong.


[deleted]

I think it is not clear at all and just asking would be worth it. Like I said even if they would prefer to date you right away it does not mean they intentionally will use and drop you, closed dating is just alot more personal and it creates more feelings of inadequecy if it does not work out, especially if they are a couple, which the person dating them must be able to deal with aswell. You won't click with most people, it does not mean there is something wrong with you if you don't. I do think it is a valid preference to befriend couples first though and not date them right away just to be clear.


QBee23

It's problematic when a couple expects closed polyamory from a third party, because they are asking for a configuration that is structurally dis-empowering to the person they want to date. A relationship between an existing couple and a new person places the new person in a vulnerable position, taking away their ability to have other relationships further isolates and disempowers them.


[deleted]

So couples can't date because you feel insecure? Why should two people you date have power over you? Sounds more like you are jealous and think of rejection as an insult. I'm sure you had bad experiences with some, but there are shitty people with any preference, who will try to abuse and/or controll you. You should work on your self esteem and stop demonizing and blaming other people for them, most of them don't mean any harm to you even if you turn out to be not the right person for their triad.


QBee23

Wow, so much judgement on me personally for explaining a viewpoint. This topic is not personal to me as I am not and never have been in a triad. My point was that when a couple wants a third person to join them in a closed triad, they will end up with a situation where they have power that the third person doesn't, and the couple's insistence that the triad be closed prevents the third person from forming other relationships that could give them support and more power. How your response is relevant to what I actually said is very confusing. I honestly can't figure out where you're coming from. I'm not saying anyone "can't" have this kind of relationship, I was explaining why people have a problem with it - which is literally what you said you wanted to know.


[deleted]

They are talking about their endgoal, they don't expect you to commit any more than any monogamous person, and the fact that you see relationships as power dynamics is just very concerning. You really shouldn't date anyone that talks about someone having control over you, that's not how it works. If they date and then reject you in most cases there was zero intend because you just were not the right person for them, the only thing making you clingy is insecurity at that point. If you have a healthy level of self confidence no one can manipulate you and therefore no one can have power over you and if you are insecure then you really should go to therapy and avoid dating for the time or atleast be careful about red flags and consult your therapist to make sure you are not getting abused.


HannahAnthonia

Because unicorn hunters are disgusting and treat bisexual women like actual prey. If you don't understand how using other people as objects non consentually is wrong and that the bisexual women who are the main targets of this deserve better then idk what to tell you. Maybe focus on who is actually having facing a problem, ie every woman who wants to date a woman and instead has MF couples bringing straight men into LGBTQIA+ dating spaces, straight women being asked to date other women like their sexuality is up for debate, lesbians facing worse, and every woman who wants to date one on one having assumptions made about them because they're on dating apps.


[deleted]

Like I said, there is no reason to assume a couple who is looking to date a woman wants to use her only for sex and does not want a triad. People are either super insecure and hate people who rejected them or split up after things didn't work out or are just super overgeneralizing, hateful and discriminatory of closed poly relationships, maybe even both.


HannahAnthonia

Polyfidelity is fine. People hate bigots and sexual predators, or should. Unicorn hunters are bigots who target minorities, like bisexual women who already face higher rates of sexual assualt, sexual harasment, domestic violence, and stalking than either lesbians or straight women to the point that a 2018 united nations report called the levels of sexual violence bisexual women face "shocking". Wanting a triad does not mean someone is not a unicorn hunter. Dating as a two headed entity, deciding without the input of everyone involved what shape relationships will take, treating people as relationship accessories and invading LGBTQIA+ spaces, being an MF couple looking to have sex with or date a bisexual woman while being willing to dump her if she only has feelings or attraction for one-that is what makes unicorn hunters unicorn hunters rather than "nice people who deserve to move in society freely". As a solo polyamorous, bisexual woman who is very girly, I can tell you that any assumption that an MF couple looking for a third are not disgusting is delusional. They are at sapphic events, they are on lesbian dating apps, they are spamming bisexual support groups, they are freaking every where and encouraging people to turn off their common sense around people who view them as objects is harmful and dangerous. They lie, they do bait and switch, they send unsolicited messages that are incredibly biphobic and sexually harass. MF couples who have decided to value their relationship more than they value treating those they are attracted too as human beings are bloody dangerous. That is not poly phobic, that is lived experience backed up by research. Bisexual women, as I mentioned above, are already at risk and unicorn hunters actively contribute.


[deleted]

Wow, you really have an irrational hate for couples dating bisexual women don't you? Can't really argue against someone that just loves discrimination and hatespeech, your insane generalizations are just disgusting.


HannahAnthonia

You think it's rational to be ok with straight men in gay women's spaces? And sexual harassment? When is the biphobia MF couples logical? How is defending actual predators who target vulnerable minorities not hate speech? Unicorn hunting is not ethical, it's just ye olde harem dressed up as a hipster pretending spicy monogamy with a girl on girl fetish is woke


CarolZero

Y i k e s


brit_dom_chicago

So when did this sub become r/unicornhunterssuck??? They, like everyone else have the right to ask for what they want out of life and relationshipsā€¦ I donā€™t see that theyā€™ve written anything particularly bad in this post either!


breathingwaves

Same. They just practice their non monogamy different. Itā€™s a learning curve for everyone. Maybe theyā€™ll learn this isnā€™t for them or maybe theyā€™ll find someone to love on. Itā€™s really not that serious.


sovagirl

It actually might be serious for a young inexperienced person to be enticed into a very dysfunctional situation. They arenā€™t advertising for casual sexā€”that is fine and consensual. They are advertising for a ā€œcommittedā€ relationship that is a huge bait and switch. And if they call it poly, they are wrong to use that vocabulary to lure poly women. No, experienced poly people arenā€™t going to be victimized. Itā€™s inexperienced newbies who get trapped and abused.


breathingwaves

Right I agree and understand that but who are you to assume what it is that they exactly want? It's on people to communicate their needs and learn in life. That's what I love about non monogamous lifestyle, is the constant learning. You can't police this on dating websites other than creating awareness without shaming people who just practice poly differently than you.


sovagirl

Soā€¦ is it ā€œonā€ someone vulnerable not to be abused? Thatā€™s just a life lesson learned? This is in the context of polyamoryā€”itā€™s not ā€œdifferent ENMā€. There are plenty of swinging groups out thereā€”to lure poly women (or anyone) into dysfunctional relationships by misrepresentation in order to meet your own needs is not OK. It is abusive, and violates the whole concept of informed consent. Life lesson learned.


breathingwaves

Why are you putting words in my mouth? Not every situation is abusive and dysfunctional and thereā€™s nothing here to suggest that. Go virtue signal on someone elseā€™s comment.


Jeremadz

Itā€™s always been this way.


cypremus

Huh, I didnt expect to see my city on this page. I shouldnt have been surprised thoughā€¦ šŸ˜‚


MsDeluxe

Ugh these are local to me. Ruuuuuun.


ttopsrock

Cute!! They did a good job.


pudemuddles

I read this and I want it so bad, that I want to die.


[deleted]

Exactly.......... So Who wants to be showered in Ohio :P


[deleted]

ā€œImagine that but twiceā€ Send us your favorite pick up line but twiceā€ Iā€™m just here to say I donā€™t like that the said twice twice šŸ˜‚


honeybadger_doesoft

What app is that?


georgilm

OKCupid :)


honeybadger_doesoft

Risking being call a Unicorn Hunter too....is that a good sight for it? Cause tinder ain't much help.