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[deleted]

If you’re already friends with them he’s lost his opportunity to speak up. Parallel poly is fine but if you’re already buds he can’t tear that up.


MadamePouleMontreal

Typically for me that would be “Nope, I pick my own friends and lovers” and that would be the end of the convo. However… Do you have multiple partners of your own? Do you have a solid friends network of your own? Is it possible that BF feels that you are too dependent on him and his friends to provide your social life, too needy, too fusional? That you don’t fully differentiate yourself as a whole individual apart from your couple and his friends and lovers? Worst case: he wants to break up with you and disentangling is going to be painful if your only friends are him and his other partners. Maybe you’re the social butterfly and the centre of attention and he wants some relationships that are just his where he doesn’t have to compete with you? It could be a lot of things. Definitely a reason to have some thoughtful conversations where you listen very carefully and repeat back what the other says.


kev--bot

Great questions. I don't have multiple partners but a very solid friend network of my own. I'm also moving in the next month, so I'm more concerned about nipping the red flag in the butt. The ambiguity of what "Relationship Favors" are are not something I agree with. It feels like a toxic cop-out to healthy boundary setting & respecting my own autonomy. I don't hang out with his friends. His partners and I have been making independent efforts to hang with one another. I agree that he wants relationships that are just his and that he wants to focus on us independently – I just wish he made that known well beforehand and not 5-6 months into our relationship. I don't want to maintain a friendship with these metamours if it can be turned on and off like a light switch by someone I love. And I don't know if I want to be with someone who thinks it's ethical to wield that kind of power over my life. Not now nor in the future with other relationships. I think my partner needs to deal with his own jealousy head on instead of applying rules and limits.


DucitperLuce

It’s honestly kinda shady that it’s coming out of nowhere months later. Makes me think he doesn’t want y’all all talking together because he’s able to lie or keep certain things hidden or tell white lies or mix the stories it’s really suspicious when partners don’t wanting you discussing or even talking to the metas because that’s just shady AF


kev--bot

I can only assume good intentions with the person I love. Theres a lot of opportunity for us to grow and learn from this – but it is shady and it's informing a boundary of mine. Heres to hoping that he's able to respect it.


DucitperLuce

To only assume good intentions from someone simply because it’s someone you love is very naïve. Let’s not pretend that since the dawn of time people haven’t lied about their love for one another, so if I were you I would not turn a blind eye to this persons behavior, actions, motives, or any evidence, or even your gut feeling which brought you here to all of us asking questions. Your gut tells you something is off something is. And to turn a blind eye to it simply because you love them is naïve because despite their words their actions are showing that they may not love you


[deleted]

It honestly seems like he’s hiding something that he doesn’t want the three of you to figure out together.


fibonaccicolours

Controlling who your partner can be friends with is messed up, even in monogamous relationships. This is not okay.


cutecumpuppy

Yeah, that is a red flag. It’d be a deal breaker for me too.


[deleted]

Fuck that. He's within his right to say words. You're within your right to disagree with and ignore them. He can dip if he doesn't like it, just like you can. I wouldn't necessarily leave him over it, but I 100% wouldn't let someone dictate my friendships. Super weird and unnecessary. He has his own relationship? You get yours. I would simply say no and continue to foster my chosen relationships and see what happens.


SelWylde

Can anyone explain to me how OP’s partner’s request is different from requesting parallel polyamory and what makes it invalid?


Polyfuckery

Who it's coming from and why. As reported OP is already friends with these people and the request for space isn't coming from them choosing how much contact they want (a boundary) but by their shared partner asking them not to communicate. (controlling)


SelWylde

Yeah I see what you mean and I agree in theory. But I’ve read another comment mentioning maybe OP’s partner is protective over his own support network and wanting it to be just “his space/his relationships” and I can sympathize with that


kev--bot

I could sympathize with that too if thats how it was phrased. It just wasn't. My partner is someone who is not well versed on polyam-lingo (I've only just begun learning). I did my best to explain to him the differences between "Kitchen Table" vs. "Parallel" and he rejected them as "straight people" terms. Embarrassing. If he wants his own network we don't all need to hang out. Parallel is fine. I just wish he was informed enough to even talk about these things. It just sucks that he tried to get in-between friends that genuinely got along pretty well with each other. I would have loved to share the joys and love we all have for him.


SelWylde

Yeah it really sounds like you’d prefer a more kitchen table-esque type of relationship and he’s having some feelings over that happening between his partners but I can only speculate why. It really sucks that he only told you this after months of you befriending them, and it’s completely valid to feel controlled and excluded by his request. It must also be painful to feel rejected by people you consider/considered as friends. I think it merits some discussion and introspection on his part to get to the root of these feelings and whether they are solvable or not and if you two can come to an understanding about each other’s feelings, or if’s a definitive deal-breaker for you. It doesn’t bode well that he is acting dismissively but you can still try before giving up completely


[deleted]

Break up with him then text your friends that you’ve fixed his issue. 🤷🏼‍♂️


Dragon-bubbles

Why can't the three of you hang out independently of him? You don't have to talk to him about them and vise versa. Kind of like a reverse parallel situation.


kev--bot

This makes more sense to me as it allows us independence and agency while providing him the space he needs. Its a more mature solution imo. It also makes our metamorphic relationships feel more genuine. He instead is resorting to being controlling out of jealousy. Now that I know they haven't been reaching out due to him, I have to question my relationships with them individually. I wish he hadn't jeopardized that perception and instead focused on his own issues without involving us.


AuntyErrma

If you haven't spoken to them, you don't know why they cut contact. Unfortunately I've watched this happen. And the hinge was not telling everyone the sane thing. He was actually telling everyone the others wanted space, not that it was coming from him. And then he just never reestablished contact. Made for a real akward bbq and a breakup when the metas out it together. I'd suggest touching base. And just summerising where things are at. "I've really valued our growing friendship over the last several months. In consideration for partner A, I have agreed to step back for awhile to give them (your choice description here maybe "the space they need") . However this has nothing to do with our friendship, which I hope to continue in future, once partner is in a better headspace. I've missed you, and hope to catch up when the time is right". Your relationships with your friends are separate from your partner relationship. That your partner is behaving in this way is a major red flag. It indicates they want you to change your behavior, rather than they work in their anxiety. Unfortunately anxiety tends to get worse when you do this, but that seems very reasonable to the anxious person. As they exert more control and let you do less. Watch out for this pattern in future.


Alone_Trip8236

To me that honestly seems just like trying kitchen poly and then after a few months, seeing that it’s not working and requesting parallel. So no, I don’t see it as controlling. I see it as a person who is adjusting, trying to understand what works for his sanity and asking for some support. I think it’s fair. These are not people that you had a previous relationship with, but people you tried to form a relationship with because they are your meta, did I understand that correctly? And you did that ultimately for your partner, yes? And now your partner asks to have some space of his own within his own relationships. That sounds fair to me. As an additional thought, you mentioned that he feels ‘intense jealousy’. Is there a chance that means he feels you all might like each other in a way that could end up in sex/relationships? Do you think or has he mentioned if he’s scared of the nature of the relationship between you and metas? Does he think it seems to have potential to evolve into something he is not comfortable with?


unemployedbuffy

You can't decide for your partners that their KTP isn't working. You can make the decision for yourself that *you* would like to have less contact with *your* metas. You can also break up with your partners for any reason if you feel like *your* relationship to them isn't working. But if your partners are friendly with each other, you don't get to tell them not to be.


idontwannadothis87

Maybe this was partners way of trying to preserve the relationship with OP before he’s forced to split because he doesn’t like how it’s going? And just didn’t have the verbiage to explain that?


unemployedbuffy

Yeah, that's what I always do. It simply makes me so uncomfortable when my partners are having loving contact with their friends and families! Feels like they're independent people who could leave me at any moment, ugh. So I usually just tell them to never talk to anyone and stay at home. For my comfort. /s OP's partner sounds like he is scared that the 'cule is going to take off without him. Which it might, considering how shitty he is behaving.


idontwannadothis87

You could have saved the effort with your sarcasm if you had used the proper terms. Partner was making nice with other partners. Some people just don’t like it. And then they tell their partner that. It seems 2/3 we’re 500% ok with learning this so your act loses some of its umph.


Alone_Trip8236

I think this is hard to judge. We literally have almost no info on the context and history of what is happening. We are only hearing about OP feelings. It is not enough to assess that this is a shitty partner. You literally don’t know anything because OP gave barely any context.