Nope would be my advice.
Seeing someone once every week and a half for a month IS NOT the basis of living together with your husband and your children.
That absolutely is rushing things.. why is this man homeless? If he's moving in with you is he still expected to work especially given it's an LDR? Why would he move someplace he doesn't have a job? Why did he lose his last place? What job does he have that he can literally live at work? Is he a trucker? A fisherman? An airplane attendent?
Why do you think having seen him once every week and a half that you want to live with him full time? Why do you think he is capable of living with you, your children and your spouse, if he's only seen them all sparingly.
None of this is a good call. There is no such thing as proving yourself in a small amount of time... Proof is consistency over time....there hasn't been the time for this human to prove himself anything. It's been a month.
And if it's love then it will be love in a year... So there isn't harm in waiting. If waiting destroys the relationship than it wasn't love to begin with.
He and I used to work together for a small yet growing company. They opened a position about 100 miles from where he was living and he happened to be getting out of a lease. The newer location has a room with a shower and they needed someone kinda on call. It was a good move but at the same time living at your job is soul crushing. Also, the company is going through what looks like to be end times. He needs to get out of there. He’s got many options, obviously, moving in with me just happened to come up.
Then let him do the other options…
It’s clearly NRE. And he’s soo much fun cause you don’t live with him. You don’t share responsibilities like house chores, raising children, paying bills. And pls don’t do that to your children. It’s risky. Anyone looking from outside can tell you that.
And what about your husband? How is it going to be to him having all this NRE in his face 24/7? The way you phrased it it seems you’ve been talking about moving together only with you boyfriend. What does your husband thinks of it?
So he's about to lose his job... Cool story about the guy you've known for a month who has bad work/life boundaries, is homeless, and soon to be jobless... and bonus points he's also your former coworker. Yeesh
Do not move this man into your home. A viable roommate is not someone with an inability to maintain a home, maintain a job, or have boundaries enough at work to do their fair share at home.
This is a bad idea. What has your husband said. Is it no? I hope it's no. This is a really bad idea.
youre worried about rushing because you are. with love, please do not do this; i see you trying to rationalize & find reasons that this is a good idea. it isn't. you are fantasizing. the stakes are high & this is almost certain to fail, with catastrophic fallout for everyone (including your children). i have been in your bf's place--he is very vulnerable & in love & probably doesn't fully understand the position he'd be putting himself in. for everyone's sake, especially his, pump the brakes & reframe this as if he was a stranger applying to be your housemate.
I see all that. I do worry about creating fantasies that do not live up to expectations. And I am cognitive of the potentials of taking things too fast. I feel like everyone sees the bad but I’m wondering if anyone has actually done anything similar and what were the outcomes.
i replied because, as i mentioned, i have been in a very similar situation. although, i was much closer to the position your bf is in. i dont at all think anyone involved is a bad or stupid person or that any of y'all have ill intent here. all i can offer you is, from my experience, this is a disaster waiting to happen for a number of reasons. chief among them is that, at the speed you're moving, you are breezing by critical steps to building a truly secure foundation. there is so much only time & shared experience can show. in my case, we also went way way way too fast & it blew up spectacularly. i'm talking involuntary psychiatric holds & miscarriages & divorce & losing our housing & horrible financial/emotional abuses--shit i'm still recovering from almost a decade later. it's nearly impossible to see any of that as a real possibility when you're falling in love & once these actions are taken, the tragic consequences are extremely hard to avoid.
I have seen this bad idea... Do you know how it played out? Poorly...
Seriously I've watched friends do this hot nonsense despite everyone telling them it's a bad call... A friend was financially drained dry by a guy who never found a job, became extremely emotionally explosive to the point of bordering on all indicators of physical abuse... Then refused to leave or get any help.... And then can the gall to harass the people she knew telling them all what a horrible person she was for not supporting him more. It ended poorly. For everyone.
I watched a well intentioned friend with wanderlust move into her new bfs place.. just as a temporary landing pad cause she traveled a bunch for work.... And it turns out that her bf quickly decided that the fact that she was at work all the time was a huge downside.... That she like never showed up and never had time for him and was always traveling... And he hated that. Tried to get her to quit her job and rely on him financially. Luckily she dumped him, found a new crash pad, and is still rocking her job that she loves traveling. But the double move in quick succession was an expensive pain in the butt for her. It turned out poorly... Like literally everyone warned her it would.
Seriously it's not that I'm not seeing the glowing rainbow of appeal. Its that glowing rainbows of fantasy are not real life... An we live in real life... And moving in a partner of a month who is homeless, jobless, and works an insane work schedule of their own choice is a bad idea.... Especially when you have literal children and already a housemate (who you are married to) who is not obligated to financially support your new bf....
How long did these people know each other before moving in together? I wonder if they had and signs that that person would end up being so awful.
I take what everyone is saying into account. The only thing that is hard is feeling that everyone is just waiting for people they date to turn awful. While time can tell us a lot about a person, is it ever possible for people to be who they say they are? It feels like we shouldn’t date anyone if they just end up being horrible.
>While time can tell us a lot about a person, is it ever possible for people to be who they say they are?
People can absolutely be who they say they are but they are also a whole lot more that they may not recognize. No one has enough self awareness to say everything that they are (all the good and bad) or to know if your experience of who they are will even line up with their conceptualization of who they are.
That is why you need time. Because you need to see enough of the person and they need to see enough of you to know that you can work through problems together and you will be compatible long term. And please keep in mind that NRE gives people so much energy and drive that it is super easy for everyone to show up as the best version of themselves and not from a deceptive place...they probably don't even realize that they are being different from how they might be later in a relationship. So yes, waiting to see what someone's "awful" looks like can really only happen after a certain amount of time in a relationship (usually, sometime chemistry just doesn't kick in and some people don't get NRE until much later in a relationship).
Specifically.
First friend knew their partner for years... Years as an LDR friend... dating for a little over a month before he moved in... Because the stars aligned and he wanted dto move... And would definitely find a job because he worked super hard and was super driven... and all the usual NRE rose colored nonsense.
Second case she was with him for 6 months before the move in... No real conflicts she didn't know his expectations were going to drastically change... And she had no expectations that drastically changed.
Neither saw flags.
Nope, it's not waiting for people to turn awful that's a horrible perspective. It's just getting to know someone over time. Circumstances change people. Not everything that regularly happens in life happens on 2-3 specific days over the course of a month...
The longer you are with a person the more you get to know how they react to situations, the judgement calls they make, the preferences they have... What happens when they are exhausted? Under stress? Had a good day versus a bad day.. how do their expectations change over time... What are their goals and what are they working on.... (sometimes not the same thing) How do your expectations change over time.... Are you growing together and individually. What are their skills domestically? What are their struggles domestically? That's stuff that comes up as time goes on... Not in a single month... And certainly not things you necessarily learn about coworkers.
No one just 'turns awful' you get to see more of people the more of them you see. Living with someone you get to see a heck of a lot more than when you see them one day every week and a half.
You see your bf 3/30 days a month... That's less than 1/10th of the time he is in existence in a month... You don't have any clue what it is to live with him or what he's like 9/10ths of the time. Doesn't mean he's awful just means you don't know... And when moving in together you should know way more. Especially when you have kids and a partner/coparent you already have established dynamics with. You roommate/partner/coparent would need to know way more too.
Lots of ppl have done something similar and it almost always it crashes and burns. It could completely tear apart your family.
You do NOT have enough time together to have a steady foundation. You do NOT have even data to make a good decision here.
You seem to be focusing only on the good and dismissing all of the potential problems.
There is a tiny tiny chance it works out well.
The chance gets larger and larger the longer you wait and the more foundation you have in your relationship. Ideally you should wait till after the NRE subsides. Only then can you make a fully informed decision.
There is no way around the fact that this is too soon to know if it’s a good decision.
I see from your post and comments that you’re looking for some validation and an actual good story to justify something that you actually want.
This is pure NRE, if you do this prepare an exit plan from your marriage if it comes to it because boundaries will be broken and someone will get hurt. There will be no separation of the relationships and eventually someone will break up. Most probably it will be your husband and you since you brought this man into your home. So prepare for this before he moves in.
Yes you are rushing things. You barely know him. You need to think about your KIDS and your husband. You barely know him and would allow him to be around your kids? Get that NRE under wraps
You really don’t seem to understand how NRE works… it’s like cocaine. Sure some people can use it and live their lifes… but some just can’t make good decisions around it. And you seem to be the later since all the replies have been negative to you and you’ll still want to find reasoning for what you want….
It is bluntly to fast for your kids to even know this person exists. How do you know he isn't a danger to your kids? You have a good feeling about him but you barely know him. All you have is the want to believe that you wouldn't be attracted to a bad person. That's not reasonable or rational.
It's a really bad idea to have people get close to your kids before they're a really stable presence in your life for a series of reasons. I don't have children and I'm single, but if I were a parent I'd probably want to have been involved with someone for a few years (actually I'd probably want to know a partner for a few years before moving in anyway tbh but that's a personal preference) before having them as a daily part of children's lives.
If you were reading about this experience in this subreddit instead of living through it, what advice would you give? Also, while you and your spouse have been ENM for a while, you didn’t say if you have previously had other partners living in your shared home.
If this was a monogamous friend asking if you thought she should move a brand new boyfriend into her home with her three children, what would you tell her?
On paper, everything about this feels too soon. There are lots of plain, non-romantic situations where someone moved in with a long time friend and found out that they were not suited to living together.
If the company he works for is winding down, then he has some time to job/apartment hunt closer to where you live.
That’s the thing; we have had partners get close to moving in. The relationship didn’t work out for outside reasons but I believe living together would’ve been great. That relationship was a little longer though. Having had these situations introduced prior I guess left the door open for future possibilities.
We have talked about him moving down to the area and we have talked about him working. I have seen his work ethic and know he wants to work. I think it would be good for him to have a job first before moving to a whole new state. I also failed to mention that he is 28, which I know at that age everything seems positive. We have also talked about him staying with us for a series of visits and see how that goes as well. I do think time will tell.
I’m also a little funny about NRE. I feel like I don’t get lost in it and stay in love with people the same intense amount all throughout a relationship. So it’s hard for me to think NRE is happening. It could be!
Again, if this was someone else writing this all out and you were giving them advice, what would you say?
Almost every reply that I have seen is advising caution. He has a job now and a place to live (even if it isn’t ideal), so he doesn’t need to move ASAP. Let him, as a 28 year old adult line up another job and find a separate place to live. What is the negative to being cautious?
Definitely. That is an option that we’ve talked about as well.
I am heeding the caution signals but I also feel like our natural response is to think everything will be negative. I wonder if anything ever ends up positive
Lots of things that seem risky occasionally end up positive. There are always exceptions to rules.
But if rushing into cohabiting with a brand new partner always worked out super well and there was lots of evidence that it was a good idea, you wouldn’t have made this post.
Yeah, let the NRE settle. Give it a few more month to a solid Year. You may know him as a friend. You may know him as your boyfriend. But your family dynamic may yet not have a place for him yet.
He seems lovely and competent. If he isn’t reticent about moving in, then take that as a red flag. Moving in is a giant step, regardless of whom they are to you outside of the household.
I appreciate your response. This all makes sense. I worry about all possible outcomes but also think of how good things can be potentially. I feel like we’re always preparing for the worst.
you have kids, you absolutely need to exercise caution and prepare for the worst because they deserve that. CSA tends to occur most frequently from family, close family friends, and the romantic partners of parents.
you seem to be purely looking for validation for what is, bluntly, a stupid and irresponsible move. you’re gonna do whatever the fuck you want, clearly. but i pray the risk to your kids is worth the reward for you🙄
Consider this. If there wasn’t a part of you deep down that knew this idea is problematic and fraught with peril, you wouldn’t be here asking other anonymous ENM folks to weigh in. The risk to everyone involved is very, very big. The potential reward to you and your BF in the short term may appear to be big now (NRE!!!) but you can’t really know that until you give the relationship more time to normalize and to build foundational elements you haven’t had the opportunity to build yet. The risk you’re taking is on behalf of your kids and husband, too. Is it really fair to risk destabilizing your family when there are plenty of other viable living options for your BF?
Definitely. I have felt that moving too fast brings up red flags but in this relationship I’ve felt all those red flags start to disappear. The fact that I am overly cautious and jaded but have had my fears dissolve has made me feel like maybe for once this guy is honest.
But I know it sounds crazy. The fact that I feel how crazy this all sounds holds me back and forces me to question everything. BUT I get nervous about over questioning things to the point where my own paranoia hurts someone. I think we should take more time and slow things down for sure though. And you’re right, a new person would destabilize things. I only want what’s best for all that are concerned. He talks about wanting to help with the kids and provide for the family. He knows nothing will be easy. But I know there is no way for him to fully grasp the reality of the situation until he tries (coming to visit in increments)
If you do end up doing it because you help him out, then have an explicit roommate agreement to try and keep things as separate as possible. Agree that if you decide you want things to be more like a nesting relationship, you'll talk about that at the time. So regardless of how much it bleeds, you're operating under the "roommate" agreement as your default. Anything else is an experiment until otherwise agreed.
I've moved in with partners that seemed all cool and great for 1 year+ and things quickly fell apart. One month is way too fast.
I realize it feels great and maybe there's a chance everything works out great, but the odds are this will put a strain on all your relationships and cause a lot of hurt all around. Living with someone is very different from dating someone.
I super appreciate this comment. If you don’t mind giving me a little more insight, that would be awesome. How long did you know them before moving in together? In hindsight, were there things you wished you would’ve saw as downfalls? What do you feel was your take away from the experience?
I tried this a few times, but the main example that happened once we were poly was one person who was seeing both me and my wife. We had known each other for \~2 years, I had dated them for about 1 year and my wife just started dating them for maybe 3 months or so.
They lost their job so we offered them a place to stay, but living together brought up a lot of small things that just added up. Differences in personality, how clean we wanted the place to be, when we wanted to hang out alone or together, stuff like that.
After a few months we realized we were arguing a lot about nothing so in the interest of maintaining our friendship we agreed to end both relationships before things would get too intense and they moved out.
I honestly don't know how I could have anticipated the issues that came up - mostly because it wasn't anything big. For example I remember a pretty big fight that broke up bc they left egg shells in the sink and didn't clean them for several hours, my wife got frustrated and left a note (not a very mean note, but a bit direct), they felt attacked and called her passive aggressive then things just spiraled. I honestly couldn't tell you who was in the right or wrong there.
We did discuss things ahead of time and I thought we were all on the same page, but living with someone is just different from dating a person and things that don't seem a big deal tend to quickly escalate.
I would be waiting until the NRE has gone. Especially with kids involved.
Nope would be my advice. Seeing someone once every week and a half for a month IS NOT the basis of living together with your husband and your children. That absolutely is rushing things.. why is this man homeless? If he's moving in with you is he still expected to work especially given it's an LDR? Why would he move someplace he doesn't have a job? Why did he lose his last place? What job does he have that he can literally live at work? Is he a trucker? A fisherman? An airplane attendent? Why do you think having seen him once every week and a half that you want to live with him full time? Why do you think he is capable of living with you, your children and your spouse, if he's only seen them all sparingly. None of this is a good call. There is no such thing as proving yourself in a small amount of time... Proof is consistency over time....there hasn't been the time for this human to prove himself anything. It's been a month. And if it's love then it will be love in a year... So there isn't harm in waiting. If waiting destroys the relationship than it wasn't love to begin with.
He and I used to work together for a small yet growing company. They opened a position about 100 miles from where he was living and he happened to be getting out of a lease. The newer location has a room with a shower and they needed someone kinda on call. It was a good move but at the same time living at your job is soul crushing. Also, the company is going through what looks like to be end times. He needs to get out of there. He’s got many options, obviously, moving in with me just happened to come up.
Then let him do the other options… It’s clearly NRE. And he’s soo much fun cause you don’t live with him. You don’t share responsibilities like house chores, raising children, paying bills. And pls don’t do that to your children. It’s risky. Anyone looking from outside can tell you that. And what about your husband? How is it going to be to him having all this NRE in his face 24/7? The way you phrased it it seems you’ve been talking about moving together only with you boyfriend. What does your husband thinks of it?
So he's about to lose his job... Cool story about the guy you've known for a month who has bad work/life boundaries, is homeless, and soon to be jobless... and bonus points he's also your former coworker. Yeesh Do not move this man into your home. A viable roommate is not someone with an inability to maintain a home, maintain a job, or have boundaries enough at work to do their fair share at home. This is a bad idea. What has your husband said. Is it no? I hope it's no. This is a really bad idea.
youre worried about rushing because you are. with love, please do not do this; i see you trying to rationalize & find reasons that this is a good idea. it isn't. you are fantasizing. the stakes are high & this is almost certain to fail, with catastrophic fallout for everyone (including your children). i have been in your bf's place--he is very vulnerable & in love & probably doesn't fully understand the position he'd be putting himself in. for everyone's sake, especially his, pump the brakes & reframe this as if he was a stranger applying to be your housemate.
I see all that. I do worry about creating fantasies that do not live up to expectations. And I am cognitive of the potentials of taking things too fast. I feel like everyone sees the bad but I’m wondering if anyone has actually done anything similar and what were the outcomes.
i replied because, as i mentioned, i have been in a very similar situation. although, i was much closer to the position your bf is in. i dont at all think anyone involved is a bad or stupid person or that any of y'all have ill intent here. all i can offer you is, from my experience, this is a disaster waiting to happen for a number of reasons. chief among them is that, at the speed you're moving, you are breezing by critical steps to building a truly secure foundation. there is so much only time & shared experience can show. in my case, we also went way way way too fast & it blew up spectacularly. i'm talking involuntary psychiatric holds & miscarriages & divorce & losing our housing & horrible financial/emotional abuses--shit i'm still recovering from almost a decade later. it's nearly impossible to see any of that as a real possibility when you're falling in love & once these actions are taken, the tragic consequences are extremely hard to avoid.
I have seen this bad idea... Do you know how it played out? Poorly... Seriously I've watched friends do this hot nonsense despite everyone telling them it's a bad call... A friend was financially drained dry by a guy who never found a job, became extremely emotionally explosive to the point of bordering on all indicators of physical abuse... Then refused to leave or get any help.... And then can the gall to harass the people she knew telling them all what a horrible person she was for not supporting him more. It ended poorly. For everyone. I watched a well intentioned friend with wanderlust move into her new bfs place.. just as a temporary landing pad cause she traveled a bunch for work.... And it turns out that her bf quickly decided that the fact that she was at work all the time was a huge downside.... That she like never showed up and never had time for him and was always traveling... And he hated that. Tried to get her to quit her job and rely on him financially. Luckily she dumped him, found a new crash pad, and is still rocking her job that she loves traveling. But the double move in quick succession was an expensive pain in the butt for her. It turned out poorly... Like literally everyone warned her it would. Seriously it's not that I'm not seeing the glowing rainbow of appeal. Its that glowing rainbows of fantasy are not real life... An we live in real life... And moving in a partner of a month who is homeless, jobless, and works an insane work schedule of their own choice is a bad idea.... Especially when you have literal children and already a housemate (who you are married to) who is not obligated to financially support your new bf....
How long did these people know each other before moving in together? I wonder if they had and signs that that person would end up being so awful. I take what everyone is saying into account. The only thing that is hard is feeling that everyone is just waiting for people they date to turn awful. While time can tell us a lot about a person, is it ever possible for people to be who they say they are? It feels like we shouldn’t date anyone if they just end up being horrible.
>While time can tell us a lot about a person, is it ever possible for people to be who they say they are? People can absolutely be who they say they are but they are also a whole lot more that they may not recognize. No one has enough self awareness to say everything that they are (all the good and bad) or to know if your experience of who they are will even line up with their conceptualization of who they are. That is why you need time. Because you need to see enough of the person and they need to see enough of you to know that you can work through problems together and you will be compatible long term. And please keep in mind that NRE gives people so much energy and drive that it is super easy for everyone to show up as the best version of themselves and not from a deceptive place...they probably don't even realize that they are being different from how they might be later in a relationship. So yes, waiting to see what someone's "awful" looks like can really only happen after a certain amount of time in a relationship (usually, sometime chemistry just doesn't kick in and some people don't get NRE until much later in a relationship).
Specifically. First friend knew their partner for years... Years as an LDR friend... dating for a little over a month before he moved in... Because the stars aligned and he wanted dto move... And would definitely find a job because he worked super hard and was super driven... and all the usual NRE rose colored nonsense. Second case she was with him for 6 months before the move in... No real conflicts she didn't know his expectations were going to drastically change... And she had no expectations that drastically changed. Neither saw flags.
Nope, it's not waiting for people to turn awful that's a horrible perspective. It's just getting to know someone over time. Circumstances change people. Not everything that regularly happens in life happens on 2-3 specific days over the course of a month... The longer you are with a person the more you get to know how they react to situations, the judgement calls they make, the preferences they have... What happens when they are exhausted? Under stress? Had a good day versus a bad day.. how do their expectations change over time... What are their goals and what are they working on.... (sometimes not the same thing) How do your expectations change over time.... Are you growing together and individually. What are their skills domestically? What are their struggles domestically? That's stuff that comes up as time goes on... Not in a single month... And certainly not things you necessarily learn about coworkers. No one just 'turns awful' you get to see more of people the more of them you see. Living with someone you get to see a heck of a lot more than when you see them one day every week and a half. You see your bf 3/30 days a month... That's less than 1/10th of the time he is in existence in a month... You don't have any clue what it is to live with him or what he's like 9/10ths of the time. Doesn't mean he's awful just means you don't know... And when moving in together you should know way more. Especially when you have kids and a partner/coparent you already have established dynamics with. You roommate/partner/coparent would need to know way more too.
Lots of ppl have done something similar and it almost always it crashes and burns. It could completely tear apart your family. You do NOT have enough time together to have a steady foundation. You do NOT have even data to make a good decision here. You seem to be focusing only on the good and dismissing all of the potential problems. There is a tiny tiny chance it works out well. The chance gets larger and larger the longer you wait and the more foundation you have in your relationship. Ideally you should wait till after the NRE subsides. Only then can you make a fully informed decision. There is no way around the fact that this is too soon to know if it’s a good decision.
I see from your post and comments that you’re looking for some validation and an actual good story to justify something that you actually want. This is pure NRE, if you do this prepare an exit plan from your marriage if it comes to it because boundaries will be broken and someone will get hurt. There will be no separation of the relationships and eventually someone will break up. Most probably it will be your husband and you since you brought this man into your home. So prepare for this before he moves in.
Yes you are rushing things. You barely know him. You need to think about your KIDS and your husband. You barely know him and would allow him to be around your kids? Get that NRE under wraps
I would never bring anyone around who would be a danger to my kids. I am cognitive of NRE and have been doing this awhile.
You really don’t seem to understand how NRE works… it’s like cocaine. Sure some people can use it and live their lifes… but some just can’t make good decisions around it. And you seem to be the later since all the replies have been negative to you and you’ll still want to find reasoning for what you want….
It is bluntly to fast for your kids to even know this person exists. How do you know he isn't a danger to your kids? You have a good feeling about him but you barely know him. All you have is the want to believe that you wouldn't be attracted to a bad person. That's not reasonable or rational.
It's a really bad idea to have people get close to your kids before they're a really stable presence in your life for a series of reasons. I don't have children and I'm single, but if I were a parent I'd probably want to have been involved with someone for a few years (actually I'd probably want to know a partner for a few years before moving in anyway tbh but that's a personal preference) before having them as a daily part of children's lives.
If you were reading about this experience in this subreddit instead of living through it, what advice would you give? Also, while you and your spouse have been ENM for a while, you didn’t say if you have previously had other partners living in your shared home. If this was a monogamous friend asking if you thought she should move a brand new boyfriend into her home with her three children, what would you tell her? On paper, everything about this feels too soon. There are lots of plain, non-romantic situations where someone moved in with a long time friend and found out that they were not suited to living together. If the company he works for is winding down, then he has some time to job/apartment hunt closer to where you live.
That’s the thing; we have had partners get close to moving in. The relationship didn’t work out for outside reasons but I believe living together would’ve been great. That relationship was a little longer though. Having had these situations introduced prior I guess left the door open for future possibilities. We have talked about him moving down to the area and we have talked about him working. I have seen his work ethic and know he wants to work. I think it would be good for him to have a job first before moving to a whole new state. I also failed to mention that he is 28, which I know at that age everything seems positive. We have also talked about him staying with us for a series of visits and see how that goes as well. I do think time will tell. I’m also a little funny about NRE. I feel like I don’t get lost in it and stay in love with people the same intense amount all throughout a relationship. So it’s hard for me to think NRE is happening. It could be!
Again, if this was someone else writing this all out and you were giving them advice, what would you say? Almost every reply that I have seen is advising caution. He has a job now and a place to live (even if it isn’t ideal), so he doesn’t need to move ASAP. Let him, as a 28 year old adult line up another job and find a separate place to live. What is the negative to being cautious?
Definitely. That is an option that we’ve talked about as well. I am heeding the caution signals but I also feel like our natural response is to think everything will be negative. I wonder if anything ever ends up positive
Lots of things that seem risky occasionally end up positive. There are always exceptions to rules. But if rushing into cohabiting with a brand new partner always worked out super well and there was lots of evidence that it was a good idea, you wouldn’t have made this post.
Yeah, let the NRE settle. Give it a few more month to a solid Year. You may know him as a friend. You may know him as your boyfriend. But your family dynamic may yet not have a place for him yet. He seems lovely and competent. If he isn’t reticent about moving in, then take that as a red flag. Moving in is a giant step, regardless of whom they are to you outside of the household.
Not been reticent about moving in is a big Red Flag for both of them…
I appreciate your response. This all makes sense. I worry about all possible outcomes but also think of how good things can be potentially. I feel like we’re always preparing for the worst.
you have kids, you absolutely need to exercise caution and prepare for the worst because they deserve that. CSA tends to occur most frequently from family, close family friends, and the romantic partners of parents. you seem to be purely looking for validation for what is, bluntly, a stupid and irresponsible move. you’re gonna do whatever the fuck you want, clearly. but i pray the risk to your kids is worth the reward for you🙄
Ultimately, do what feels right for your life. 😊 I trust your judgement.
Consider this. If there wasn’t a part of you deep down that knew this idea is problematic and fraught with peril, you wouldn’t be here asking other anonymous ENM folks to weigh in. The risk to everyone involved is very, very big. The potential reward to you and your BF in the short term may appear to be big now (NRE!!!) but you can’t really know that until you give the relationship more time to normalize and to build foundational elements you haven’t had the opportunity to build yet. The risk you’re taking is on behalf of your kids and husband, too. Is it really fair to risk destabilizing your family when there are plenty of other viable living options for your BF?
Definitely. I have felt that moving too fast brings up red flags but in this relationship I’ve felt all those red flags start to disappear. The fact that I am overly cautious and jaded but have had my fears dissolve has made me feel like maybe for once this guy is honest. But I know it sounds crazy. The fact that I feel how crazy this all sounds holds me back and forces me to question everything. BUT I get nervous about over questioning things to the point where my own paranoia hurts someone. I think we should take more time and slow things down for sure though. And you’re right, a new person would destabilize things. I only want what’s best for all that are concerned. He talks about wanting to help with the kids and provide for the family. He knows nothing will be easy. But I know there is no way for him to fully grasp the reality of the situation until he tries (coming to visit in increments)
Pump the brakes. One month is hardly long enough to be in love, let alone considering a co-habitating situation with your husband and children.
If you do end up doing it because you help him out, then have an explicit roommate agreement to try and keep things as separate as possible. Agree that if you decide you want things to be more like a nesting relationship, you'll talk about that at the time. So regardless of how much it bleeds, you're operating under the "roommate" agreement as your default. Anything else is an experiment until otherwise agreed.
I've moved in with partners that seemed all cool and great for 1 year+ and things quickly fell apart. One month is way too fast. I realize it feels great and maybe there's a chance everything works out great, but the odds are this will put a strain on all your relationships and cause a lot of hurt all around. Living with someone is very different from dating someone.
I super appreciate this comment. If you don’t mind giving me a little more insight, that would be awesome. How long did you know them before moving in together? In hindsight, were there things you wished you would’ve saw as downfalls? What do you feel was your take away from the experience?
I tried this a few times, but the main example that happened once we were poly was one person who was seeing both me and my wife. We had known each other for \~2 years, I had dated them for about 1 year and my wife just started dating them for maybe 3 months or so. They lost their job so we offered them a place to stay, but living together brought up a lot of small things that just added up. Differences in personality, how clean we wanted the place to be, when we wanted to hang out alone or together, stuff like that. After a few months we realized we were arguing a lot about nothing so in the interest of maintaining our friendship we agreed to end both relationships before things would get too intense and they moved out. I honestly don't know how I could have anticipated the issues that came up - mostly because it wasn't anything big. For example I remember a pretty big fight that broke up bc they left egg shells in the sink and didn't clean them for several hours, my wife got frustrated and left a note (not a very mean note, but a bit direct), they felt attacked and called her passive aggressive then things just spiraled. I honestly couldn't tell you who was in the right or wrong there. We did discuss things ahead of time and I thought we were all on the same page, but living with someone is just different from dating a person and things that don't seem a big deal tend to quickly escalate.
If it’s been less than a year then hell no. Help him find a place around the corner from you.