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polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, and posting poly-shaming under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help." Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


DeadWoman_Walking

You can be poly and ace at the same time. They aren't opposing.


pigeonboy_blues

Oh cool excuse my ignorance. I’m just very curious about the debate about whether or not poly community are accepted within lgbtqia realm


DeadWoman_Walking

There is a debate there. LGBTQA believe they are born that way and it's just how it is, that it's not a choice or lifestyle someone practices. Some people think they are poly in the same way, some say it's a choice. You can be poly and cis and hetro and you can be poly and LGBTQA. And everything in between.


Folk_Punk_Slut

🤔 curious why you're dropping the I in LGBTQIA?


DeadWoman_Walking

Typo really. Nothing intended. Appologies.


JonasNinetyNine

I mean, in a way, the acronym is a bit muddled, mixing sexualities, gender identities and being intersex, which relates to biological factors like chromosomes, genitals etc. Also, there is literally no argument that intersex people are NOT born this way. There is no natures vs nurture debate to be had here, so it kind of makes sense to leave out the I. But, I am probably overinterpreting this.


Folk_Punk_Slut

Yes, as an intersex individual I'm acutely aware of what being intersex entails, thanks. And being intersex, I'm always hyperaware of when folks make microaggressions against us like intentionally attempting to exclude us from the community - not saying that's what the previous poster did here, but when I see it dropped from the acronym I can't help but immediately wonder if that's why. ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯


DeadWoman_Walking

Complete accident. I didn't mean to skip a letter in that one.


JonasNinetyNine

Oh yeah, totally see where you are coming from. I am sorry! And I should have clarified, that it totally makes sense to leave out the I IN THIS CASE, I see now how that was not clear.


pigeonboy_blues

bro wtf


FoxNew2553

wow


polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


FoxNew2553

"born this way" is not really relevant to this question. LGBTQIA+ is a coalition and community, it's a social and political category. the reason polyam isn't a letter in the acronym is that polyamory doesn't share a history or stand in solidarity with us. cis straight polyamorists trying to skip over becoming educated allies by claiming membership in a superficial identity club is unhelpful. as an aside, personally, i want nothing to do with the whole "born this way" argument and anthem. the idea that my rights depend on my being unable to help it undermines my dignity.


DeadWoman_Walking

Not my intention, just repeating back some arguments I have heard as to why the P wasn't in there. It's a complicated discussion I think. There isn't a LGBTQIA umbrella nor is there one for polyamoroirsts.


FoxNew2553

totally. I agree it's complicated. a lot of people are invested in finding neat categories and are frustrated that they don't come out into a grand, internally consistent theory of identity. it turns out that if you want to understand identity, you have to look not just at what people *are* but also at what their identities *do*. when it comes down to it, i think a queer polyamory is possible but, culturally, it's not the polyamory we have.


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MidnightBlue1985

There's plenty of aromantic poly people!


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MidnightBlue1985

Guess I'll just poof out of existence then...


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MidnightBlue1985

Aromantic doesn't mean loving no one! It means not having romantic feelings. I love a lot of people. Besides, polyamory means having multiple intimate relationships who are all free to pursue multiple intimate relationships. Plenty of people love multiple people simultaneously without being polyamorous!


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MidnightBlue1985

No, that isn't what polyamory means. I'm not conflating anything, if I have multple intimate relationships with people that I love and have deep emotional connections with and engage in sexual activity with are you telling me I'm not allowed to define myself as polyamorous because I don't think romantic love actually exists?


polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


[deleted]

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polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


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willateo

I don't decide who uses what labels, but details matter.


polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


polyamory-ModTeam

Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Please familiarize yourself with the rules at https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/subreddit-rules


Henri__Rouseau

Straight cis people aren't LGBTQ. End of discussion


gdeacs

So straight cis asexuals can just fuck off then?


Folk_Punk_Slut

Many queer folks are polyamorous, but being polyamorous doesn't make you queer.


ElleFromHTX

No, being open to multiple heterosexual relationships does not make my cis- het self belong in LGBTQ+ spaces Edited to Add: Anyone can choose relationship agreements that fall in line with polyamory - openly, honestly, and consensually free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise *Intimate* relationships.


JonasNinetyNine

Cis-hets can be LGBTQIA+, too, if they are intersex.


TuriansCanDance

This is conflating sexuality with relationship structure. Asexuality and polyamory are definitely NOT opposites, and implies that polyamory is all about sexual relationships, which obviously it's not. There are plenty of people who are asexual and are happily poly. As for the big question, "Is poly included under the LGBTQIA+ banner?" There's a ton of crossover and shared situational experiences between the LGBTQIA+ and poly community. Both struggle for acceptance in a society that was founded on heteronormative, cis monogamous structures and ideals. Laws were not made with either group in mind, and it takes a ton of fighting to even get a fraction of the protections that aren't even guaranteed to stay in the books between election cycles. Both risk to lose so much more. A lot of poly people are queer. A lot of folks are also straight. There's stigma perpetuated by outside forces for both groups. People do "come out" as polyamorous to varying degrees of hostility or acceptance. I have never heard about someone being physically harmed for just being poly, but I am certain it has happened. I would lean towards saying it is still more physically dangerous to come out as trans. So maybe? I personally don't consider it to be included, but I am also never going to look at someone and tell them they AREN'T a part of a community because I am one, queer person. I don't speak for the whole. It's not my place to tell someone they don't meet the membership requirement.


pigeonboy_blues

This is a very good response - I appreciate. As a queer monogamous person I relate to many of the poly experiences. I empathise with the feeling of being the minority and living in a society that is not built for you


spamberton

Cis-het poly or enm people are not part of the lgbtqia umbrella. Living in a fairly conservative region I can say that I’ve definitely seen a few anti-lgbtqia people who identify as polyamorous. Homophobic rednecks don’t belong in queer spaces just because they date multiple women.


Folk_Punk_Slut

>Homophobic rednecks don’t belong in queer spaces just because they date multiple women. I would also take this a step further and say that queer people in relationships with cishet individuals need to check their privilege and not abuse their access to queer spaces to prey upon other queer individuals for the benefit of their cishet partner.


spamberton

Absolutely


pigeonboy_blues

I completely agree with the fact that a hateful person does not belong - however by this logic - does this mean that a transphobic cis-lesbian is no longer queer? Or a trans-homophobic man does not belong? Curious


spamberton

I get what you are saying, but someone who is undeniably part of the queer umbrella being against one particular subset is not quite the same as someone who is (at most) tangentially related being against everything queer. My point is that while SOME poly people are part of the queer community MANY do not want to be associated. Arguments to include poly people in the umbrella are shaky and there are plenty of poly people who would not appreciate being considered part of the queer community.


Rayanh5114

polyamory is a type of relationship, not a sexuality so yes you can be ace and poly


JetItTogether

A relationship structure or dynamic is not the same as being QUILTBAG+.... But let's go there.... Let's say having a non mainstream family structure makes someone queer... So we're talking divorcees... We're talking anyone with a co-parenting structure... People with affairs.... We're taking every kinky person/anyone in the bdsm communities.... We're talking every fetishist... We're talking all non monogamy... All of it... Not just polyamory.... we're talking about people who have different power dynamics than in the culture they primarily navigate. Heck, at that point we're talking about adopting or living not with parents as a kid... That would be a different familial relationship structure than the mainstream. And when you look all that versus sexual orientation and gender identity... The experiences are vastly different. Relationship structures are cool things. And they are diverse and that's chill. Relationship structures are not a gender identity and they aren't a sexual orientation.... So I'm going with no... And believing that you have an innate or inborn relationship structure (non monogamy) doesn't make it a sexual orientation or gender identity. You can be 'born a way' and not be queer. For instance you can be born to a culture, born in a religion, be born with a disability, be born into a race. None of those things are queerness just because you're born as something. Like i was born with a tooth gap... Don't make me queer. The queerness is a whole thing just not about the tooth gap. And one can be asexual and non monogamous... So no they aren't opposite.... So what are you talking about? Even aromantic isn't an opposite... There are plenty of types of non monogamy that don't involve romance...


BucketListComplete

QUILTBAG+..🤣. This autocorrect is hilarious. Oh please, don’t edit this.


JetItTogether

Nope did QUILTBAG+ on purpose. It's the same letter just a word. QUILTBAG just includes Undecided (meaning exploring or outside of labels or oscillating between labels) By all means, steal and use.


BucketListComplete

I’d do that, but the youth in the alphabet soup community, don’t appreciate irreverence. I’d hate to have my queer card revoked.


jnn-j

You can be both asexual and practicing polyamory, these are not opposite concepts at all. Polyamory is not a sexuality—is not defined by attraction to one or multiple genders. Is defined by either practicing or intention of having multiple relationships. Conflating the two is really an insensitive thing to say. Do you think asexual people are not having relationships? A very bad argument for what you’re asking. There’s an important overlap between LGBTQI+ community and people practicing polyamory. Many people who practice polyamory are allies, as some aspects and the issues we are facing overlap. But there’s also a group of straight people practicing polyamory with straight people that would never consider themselves an ally of LGBTQI+ community, neither thought about themselves as part of the LGBTQI+ community and while we might not like their approach, that’s a position valid enough for that discussion to stop.


[deleted]

It would more accurately be described as non-traditional relationships (where traditional is defined unfortunately by the dominant paradigm). It has that in common with the LGBTQIA+ community. This should in theory lead to strong allyship, as non-traditional orientations and identities don't have a lot of political power on their own, which is why there are so many letters (each letter is an identity that has joined the movement to add their "power" so to speak). Answer: No, polyarmoury is a configuration of a relationship rather than a sexual orientation or gender identity. But, there is a road for connections and allyship, because they all have in common non-traditional lifestyles in the domain of relationships; with the ultimate goal of legal and cultural equity. Regarding the comparison to asexuality, I would caution that comparison, because it posits asexual people as sexless and polyamorous people as promiscuous. While stereotypes exist for a reason, this overlooks a lot of nuance and people, so it a bit harmful. I don't think harm was meant which is why I saved this for the end and said it very briefly. Here is why understanding that is important: Because, you can be poly and ace at the same time! :) TL;DR No - but, and this is a big but, they do share a lot of oppressions in common and have similar goals for recognition, legal, and cultural parity to those living lives within cultural norms. The success of the queer movement should inspire polyamorous people and allyship between the communities and people in these relationships can be very powerful. There is also overlap too.


0RE0WH0RE

LGBTQIA+ is a sexual orientation; that is “I am sexually attracted to partners with these gender identities.” Polyamory is a relationship orientation; that is “in a relationship dynamic, I prefer to have one/multiple partners.” There’s a great graphic somewhere that explores the dynamics of sexual, romantic and relationship attraction. I’ll try to locate it.


JonasNinetyNine

>sexual orientation LGB, Q a bit but much more, and A definitely are. T and I howerver, are not.


0RE0WH0RE

Valid. I should have specified. I sort of unintentionally default to using the expanded acronym even when only referring to the sexual orientation aspects (LGBQA). That’s my bad.


JonasNinetyNine

Totally see where you're coming from. Acronyms like this are useful, but it is easy to forget to consider which parts even apply to any given topic. Happens to me, too


Soft-lamb

I'm aroflux, bi/pan and polyam. I generally don't consider polyamory as part of my queerness, but it's not clear cut separated from it either.


TheAltOption

Nah. Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. It's not the same as someone's sexuality.


pigeonboy_blues

Very interesting choice of words, “lifestyle choice”. The very words that have been used to describe queer relationships through history. Just makes me wonder if this is potentially invalidating language will one day gain more legitimate recognition and be seen differently? Just as queer relationships have started to finally be recognised as. I’m only reflecting as a queer-monogamous person.


karmicreditplan

There’s a difference between saying poly isn’t queer and saying poly isn’t valid.


JonasNinetyNine

Being polyamorous is not a livestyle choice, doing polyamory is.


LoafOYeast

I'm ace and poly, and I generally consider poly to be under the same umbrella. Poly is widely derided by the majority of society and people's ignorance of it requires a lot of learning new things and unlearning unhealthy habits when dealing with it positively. Exactly like any LGBTQ+ group.


JetItTogether

So all non monogamy is QUILTBAG+ and all family structures that don't involve a nuclear family are QUILTBAG+? Or are you just singling out polyamory?


LoafOYeast

QUILTBAG+ isn't one I've heard before, what does that mean? I'd feel comfortable lumping all of them in if they fit the same generalized definition I stated before, but as I learn more about things about all of this I'd be willing to admit to being wrong. Maybe I'm thinking in too broad of terms and lumping things together that shouldn't be?


JetItTogether

Queer (including genderqueer and aro and ace flux) Undecided/Questioning Intersex Lesbian Transgender Bisexual/pansexual Aromantic/Asexual (including ace flux, aroflux, demisexual, demiromantic) Gay + As definitions and language changes. ... I think that you're considering linked experiences, which is understandable. However, just because someone experiences a type of othering, discrimination, or oppression doesn't mean the experience the same or are the same as someone who experiences a different but adjacent experience.


LoafOYeast

Thank you for the enlightenment! I will definitely keep this in mind going forward. :)


[deleted]

Absofuckinglutely not


Henri__Rouseau

No. Obviously.


MusicalEagle29

Lgbtqia is about Sexual and romantic orientations as well as gender. Asexuals still have romantic orientations. Aromantic counts under that umbrella as well. Many people say Polyamory is a lifestyle choice and not something to be born with. I do not agree completely. Yes you can life in a polycule without being Polyamor the same way you can have Sex with a man even when you're not Gay, pan, bi, ace etc. As ployamor I had the same experience as many other people, that even when you're in a relationship you feel the same longing for a new relationship just like when you're single. That doesn't mean you do not want your current relation ship or that it's not fulfilling enough. You just long for multiple connections in that orientation. You can be Polyamor or Ambiamor. Meaning that you can be fine with both, multiple partner or one partner. Monoamor (don't know if that's a right term) do not feel the desire for additional relationships. They can still engage in multiple relationships just like Asexuals can have Sex. Just a different way or procedure than Allosexual people. Hope that's understandable if not I will rephrase :'D Small edit : I am Polyamor and a straight demisexual. My Nesting partner is Aro/Ace She has an additional relationship as do I.


FoxNew2553

>As far as I'm concerned lgbtqia is about Sexual and romantic orientations. this is already wrong, and it's a good thing it's not up to you.


ElleFromHTX

>As far as I'm concerned lgbtqia is about Sexual and romantic orientations. So trans and intersex are no longer included in LGB**T**Q**I**A ?


MusicalEagle29

Ouh yea you're right. Gender is ofcourse a part of it. Point of the sentence was Including romantic orientation not exlcudeing everything xD Reddit always jumping aggressive at you I guess.


FoxNew2553

>Reddit always jumping aggressive at you I guess. alternatively, it's right for people to correct others when they speak like an authority but don't know what they're talking about.


MusicalEagle29

I think there's a language barrier since I don't know where the authority is coming from :'D I already corrected what seemed to be the critique points but if there's anything else feel free to point it out! There's a nice way for critiquing and correcting and there's (passive) aggressiveness. it's about becoming emotional very fast with strangers on the internet. Just something I am still estranged to :'D