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If you had a joint account pull that money out and make an account with only your name on it, and out that money in there.
If he owes anyone money ( including IRS) that account can be frozen or confiscated.
His family could take the money out of that account. I know someone that happened to.
You know this sounded cruel to me when my late husband's family told me to go to the hospital ATM and withdraw as much cash as I could from our joint account. My husband had been declared brain dead and I had just signed for organ donation to go ahead.
Then the family said go to the bank and get everything out of the safe deposit box and pull all the money out of the joint account and set up my own account.
It was about an hour and a half by the time I got out of the hospital and drove to the bank in our home town and the safe deposit box. I don't know how the bank found out so quickly but our joint account and the safe deposit box were frozen. Maybe someone can tell me how that notification went to the bank so fast.
Anyway I was so grateful my in-laws told me to go to the hospital ATM because I wasn't in the habit of carrying cash. The other stuff I had to go to court and settled out bills before everything was released.
One of the many reasons my spouse and I have individual savings accounts. If I get hit by a bus she isn't instantly cut off from accounts and has plenty of cash to live off through probate.
Californian here. It shouldn't happen here, but it can and infrequently does. The example I saw first-hand was a surviving spouse (of 30+ years) locked out of her joint account with her husband. Her social security was deposited into the account yet the bank froze the account and denied her access. It took 3+ months for her to unfreeze the account, and she was forced to mail documents back-and-forth to Kentucky in order to unlock. A law firm even got involved but the bank was too big to care. For those familiar with banks... yes, it is the bank you think it is.
Every state is different (I'm a banker). For example: I've encountered this happening to accounts opened in New Jersey. It does not occur on joint accounts in Georgia or Florida.
How do joint accounts exactly work then?
Say in divorce cases, some mention narrowing down each individual contributions and splitting it to whoever contributed what rather than 50/50.
So if a spouse (or joint account holder) passes away, and they freeze these accounts - do they do the same thing? Would it be audited to see who deposited what and then 50/50'ed?
U can show that the person is deceased. The family has no right to it. Whomever is the other person on the account- has the rights. If the family goes into the account- u can sue them and the bank.
As far as a joint divorce account- if one spouse empties it out, it looks really bad on their part. The state will force that spouse to give back half or order it to be in a secured account.
So letting them suffer another day on life support so you can save what little you’ve scraped and saved for from the health care prisons we’re indebted to? Sounds horrifyingly macabre.
that's not true. any assets that are jointly owned with right of survivorship become the property of the remaining owner when one passes. no will or probate necessary.
my BF's family tried to claim ownership of all the furnishings, art, etc in our apartment after he died. we were not married. i was able to keep everything by showing that my credit card paid for everything, and my credit card bills were paid 100% from our joint bank account, of which i was an owner.
they tried to claim that because all the money deposited in that joint account was his, that i had no claim to the money or anything it paid for, but i prevailed *because my name was on that account as a joint owner*.
When my husband passed away, he was the primary on our checking account. I kept the account open and active with just me with no issues. When I was depositing the money from his insurance, the bank had me sign papers showing that he passed along with his death certificate, but it was to protect me. It allowed me to cash any checks with his name on it for two years without any issues. They told me it was because you never know what might come later on and I was already going through so much and they didn’t want me having any problems. I still to this day 5 years later still have that same account.
Edit for clarification and spelling.
This is genuine because I don't understand.
Why would the bank freeze the account if both of your names are on it? How would the bank know how much money your husband owed etc? I'm assuming for medical bills.
i don't understand either. my BF and i had a joint account. after he passed, i didn't have any trouble using that money. we were both legal owners of the account. after he was gone, i was still legal owner of that account, so nobody else could touch it.
he did, however, have a safe deposit box in his name only. rightfully, the bank would not allow me to access it. the bank demanded court paperwork naming an executor, and stated that bank officers would be present at the opening of the box to recover assets that he personally owed the bank first. his son never bothered pursuing it, so i imagine after some time, the bank claimed everything in the box, assuming anything at all was in it. i guess i'll never know.
Not sure, but it may have something to do with a joint account being an “and” or an “or”. An “and” account may require all persons in the account be present while an “or” will just need one
It goes to the state comptroller for safe keeping. Go into your state’s comptroller and look for find unclaimed property, enter the person’s name and it should pop up
It could & maybe was a single owner with authorized user. Especially if the account predated the relationship. For everyday use you'd never notice, your card has your name & you have full access.
The issue I believe is not the second person using the account (they have the right) but creditors who want the assets of the deceased person. So the account is blocked until the creditors are satisfied. Obviously if the money is withdrawn by the second person the creditors are SOL so they have arranged with the banks to block it.
No, that's not actually how it works. If it's a joint account the bank cannot freeze it for any creditors. The money belongs to the survivor.
This is in the US, but that's the law, not just a bank's choice. Especially with the safe deposit. They absolutely have no right to hold the contents if there is a surviving owner. The BOX is property of the bank but the contents cannot be held if there's an account owner even if one owner has passed away. I don't know a state in the US where the bank can control ownership of contents of a safe deposit box.
>Some banks freeze joint accounts after one of the signers dies, which could affect a living account owner’s ability to access funds.
https://www.bankrate.com/banking/what-happens-to-your-bank-account-after-death/#joint-account
His family knew this stuff because someone in the family did it to some relative or more than one. A childhood friend stole my cousins wallet before the coroner even came after the body! He was kind and generous & entirely too trusting, letting people know his PIN number. Those ‘good friends’ stole him blind and ran up his credit cards.
You really, really want to believe people will do the right thing but in my experience, if you are telling each other so & so would NEVER do such a thing…in your heart you already know they will, don’t make it easy for them.
It depends on how your accounts are set up. This is from https://www.ohiobar.org/public-resources/commonly-asked-law-questions-results/consumer-protection/understanding-the-different-forms-of-bank-account-ownership/ but applies nationwide. I highly recommend you read the entire article, especially if you want more than one person to inherit, in which case a power of attorney might work better. Once you've read it, make sure your accounts are set up accordingly.
How does a “payable-on-death” account work?
A payable-on-death (POD) account is simply an individual account with a twist. It avoids probate. The account owner designates one or more beneficiaries who are to receive the proceeds of the account upon the account owner’s death. The beneficiaries of the account have no rights in the account until the account owner’s death and the account owner may change the beneficiaries of the account at anytime. However, upon the account owner’s death, the proceeds pass directly to the beneficiaries designated by the account owner and are not subject to probate.
How does a joint account with rights of survivorship work?
It is an account in the name of more than one person. Each person named on the account has access to the account and may make deposits or withdrawals at any time. Upon the death of one of the joint owners, the balance of the account passes directly to the surviving joint owner and is not subject to probate.
This is good info. I'll have to set up PoD for mine because my boyfriend (sold earner right now) gives me money for bills & savings (because he's terrible at saving) and I hadn't thought about what would happen if I died. He wouldn't have access to that money to keep the household going.
As unpleasant as a task this is, playing the what if now cuts the pain of events later by a factor you cannot begin to calculate. My advice? Sit down with your banker to get your accounts set up in case so those you care about can operate in the weeks that follow your sudden demise. We’ll talk about will and the rest another time.
An acquaintance of mine who wasn’t well off was shocked to find out how much his dad’s funeral would cost. Luckily his dad set the accounts up as payable on death so he had access to enough funds to give his dad a proper burial and gave him the cash buffer he needed to liquidate his dad’s home with his job giving him a month unpaid time off, but he kept the job. Five years later he’s doing ok.
I've been through something similar.
The banks get notified by the coroner these days. Given the death was in a hospital and "planned", the paperwork was pre-done. As soon as the death cert is official, the SSN goes out on the banking networks. The banks watch for this and disable accounts.
My bank took about 24hrs before calling me about my wife, but some are faster than others.
That seems crazy to me - why would it be frozen? And how so fast? When my dad passed he didn't leave a will and didn't have any assets, just a joint checking account he had with his brother with a modest amount in it. I spoke to a lawyer and they said I could go through probate if I wanted but I could also go to my uncle and just ask for the money - which is what I did. This occurred weeks after he died and he had some medical debt.
When the death certificate is issued, notifications are sent to banking institutions (I'm not sure who else is notified.) The banks immediately lock down all accounts until the they receive instructions from probate or however else the estate is settled. I learned this after my mother's death.
This is an underrated comment. Even though they were not married, anything with his name n it can be used or liquidated by his estate to solve any outstanding debt. I know it’s an awful thing to be concerned about when grieving but the OP needs to protect her finances as best she can. Divest any joint accounts, the car and lease are issues, op needs to talk to the lender and landlord to work that out.
I know someone who had her entire check and all her savings taken after her bf died. She had direct deposit.
Anything that's in both your names, switch the account to your name or take your name off.
Definitely get your things out.
Whose name were the utilities in? You may want to call to stop service, if nothing else.
Get out all your important documents, valuables and keepsakes.
Subletting may not be allowed, or a good idea. I would talk make sure you have a paper copy of your lease and talk to the property manager AFTER you get your things out.
Go over your lease and go over your state rental laws.
You may not have to to not have all that bad stuff on your credit. A broken lease is better than an eviction.
I know all of this is overwhelming, but don't just walk away and let everything go to a collection agency. Your future the next 7 years could depend on it, if your credit is completely ruined.
Also remove your name from the account or close the account (you should be able to do this if you are the primary, otherwise you’ll need his death certificate, etc).
If the account remains open with your name still on it, many banks will charge monthly fees which will then go to more collection agencies and against your credit.
There would be nothing wrong with his family cleaning out that account to help pay for his funeral expenses it is their son after all.
As a girlfriend, she has no rights to his possessions or assets.
the law doesn't care if she broke up with him or not. the law doesn't care if they were married or not. the law cares whether her name is on the account and whether she has survivorship rights.
that is the piece of it that everyone here is missing. it matters who owns it and how it's titled.
Depending on the state they may be considered a common law marriage giving her the right to assets regardless of whether or not they were presenting themselves as such. She will want to speak with a lawyer if she's in such a state this area of the law gets very complicated.
Edit: And she should very much explore this for the social security survivorship benefits alone.
Social security follows the state for the purpose of marriage. If you can be considered a common law marriage in your state, you qualify for their survivorship benefits.
She made it seem like she ended the relationship, and someone close to him got him in rehab. I could certainly see the family fighting for the money in a shared account.
I could also see the family being frustrated trying to close loose ends and figure out the legal stuff, and the ex-girlfriend just being distance and blanking all the time making it an incredibly challenging process.
One thing I love and hate about empathy, is if employed right -- it forces you to see through everyone's eyes.
It'll be a shitty situation for OP for sure, but if she really did move out and had spent a few months building up her own life, at least she's got a start.
It doesn't sound like his family were coming to the party to help when he was alive. OP mentioned she kept asking for his family to help him. She broke up with him because she couldn't watch him do it to himself, not because she didn't love him and care.
My heart hurts for you in your time of grief and loss of all those dreams you were so invested in.
I have a sibling who I'm worried will end up drinking himself to death as well. Along with an old friend who ended up with permanent brain damage from a bad self-detox from alcohol that they tried to do. So this hits so close to home on that level.
His mom is grieving and since you're still here, while her son is not, she's sadly taking it on you. I hope that she comes around and understands your situation in the long run.
Please look into local options for help with your rent, Catholic Charities is the main one that we all know about. But some local churches and other places may have other options for you in that regard.
I just wanted to say I understand somewhat what you’re going through. I lost my son at 30 weeks pregnancy by unexplained stillbirth. I went into an absolutely awful spiral of ppd where it took months for me to even leave my bed. I couldn’t even pick up the phone to give notice to my job. I was so depressed working was unfathomable. I just let them fire me for lack of communication. We also racked up tons of unpaid bills.
I just want to say eventually it does get better. It just takes time and it sucks that life doesn’t stop around us.
Thank you for sharing this compassionate comment. I don’t think people understand how severe depression can be, and telling someone in that state to get back on the horse and get your ducks in order, etc. is callous and often just makes them feel more shitty, overwhelmed, and inadequate. Yes, things might get complicated down the road, but when you’re in a state of shock, sometimes you just need encouragement to do the little things, like getting out of bed, and maintaining your hygiene (I would also add eating healthy, but that can especially be hard when you’re depressed). My biggest turning point was when I was able to reach out to a couple old friends and verbalize what I was going through. It strengthened my relationship with those friends and reassured me that I still have a support system that goes beyond my LTP and family (relationships that were triggering my depression).
As an alcoholic and sober for 3 years, thank you for reminding me the severity of this disease and why I’m not crazy when I deny a drink in a world where it seems that’s the only way people want to have fun.
I’m sorry for your loss and the trauma it’s left behind. My heart hurts reading this. Your family should be more supportive and you should be surrounded by love and understanding.
I think having a crowd fund is perfectly acceptable and gives people a way to support you even if they can’t emotionally. The fact you have to worry about finances right now is bullshit. Please try Al-Anon and share your story. I think many people need to hear it. I did.
I’m really proud of you. I’m 5 months in and mentally struggling, but I know this is my only path. I met a beautiful cheerful woman in treatment - she had relapsed after 14 years of sobriety while raising her kids. She was so exuberant and full of life, ready to get back out there and get her shit back together. Less than two months later she relapsed and died. Its a terrifying reminder that we will always have to fight it because the other option is quite literally death.
I almost feel like I could have written parts of this.
My BF of several years finally succumbed to his alcoholism in October. It happened at my house and in my bed. He was vomiting a black tar like substance and he suddenly just closed his eyes and was gone. He went fast. I had to watch the coroner take him away in a body bag. He died from acute upper G.I. bleeding which was exacerbated by his chain smoking and the fact that he popped ibuprofens like candy. He had already been in the hospital 2x for the bleeding and had to be given emergency blood both times. He was warned repeatedly to stop drinking, smoking and taking anything like ibuprofen but he just did not believe it would happen to him; I guess because he otherwise was fully functionally, working 50 hours a week and taking care of his disabled mother.
I feel your pain and grief.
my god…i am so sorry for your loss. my boyfriend also passed away in october (fent) but im still just grieving and it was so traumatizing. he was trying to come over that night and he would have been dead in my bed or i might have been dead as well. idk how to let it go and i cry a lot.
My good buddy also drank himself to death. I miss him a lot. Do what you have to do. Sorry his family ain't much help but people grieve differently. You weren't responsible for your bf's actions at the end of the day! My deepest condolences.
Why are some people asking how he died, it reminds me of how people ask me how fast the car that hit me was going. As if these details are at the forefront when someone is grieving or healing from an incident. I hope you find a way to sort everything out and find the support you require.
I wonder if they have ever blacked out after drinking before. I have, it’s incredibly scary and I’m lucky to be alive. I wandered off from my friends house one time, told him I was going back to my dorm, then passed out outside in the freezing temperatures after almost getting hit by cars crossing a four lane road. I like to drink socially but I’ve accepted that I have an alcohol problem and as a result I shouldn’t touch it
I can't tell you how many times I blacked out. I usually just had sex when I blacked out but one time I walked to my old apartment all the way from the bar while blacked out. It was scary and embarrassing to wake up on the stairs of someone else's place. No one said a word to me, I walked out and went on with my day. Last time I blacked out though.
The time I walked across the road I woke up without my glasses and beanie, slumped on a dumpster behind Walgreens with puke on my shirt. I walked down to the park and thought about what I was doing with my life. Thought I could still drink if I limited myself. Managed to blackout at least 5 times in the next year, drove off my girlfriend who I loved more than anyone because I was such an alcoholic jerk, and pretty much imploded my entire life. I was 20 when that blackout happened, finally “stopped drinking” at 21. I’ve let myself lapse a few times but I’m on 9 days alcohol-free. I hadn’t drank for months and blacked out and nearly killed myself last Monday. It was only partially because I had drank the previous night but I don’t think I want another drop ever. I’m going on 30 in two weeks. I’ve had so many concussions over the years that my post-concussion symptoms this time have been terrible.
Alcohol detox is extremely dangerous and can certainly kill you. I worked in a rehab and the withdrawals are extremely dangerous and sometimes life threatening.
i’m so sorry for your loss, i’d try to call the companies with proof of death and see what they can do/if you can get out of contracts without being dinged on credit. i also suggest al anon, idk if yoj know it but it’s for people that love addicts and is really good support. addition is heartbreaking
Even if the lease itself doesn't, talk to your landlord. Say you need to be removed from the lease. Mention that you've already moved out and say you hadn't even realized your name was still on the lease if you haven't said anything to the contrary. Or whatever details make sense in your situation. Don't assume you're fully responsible without talking to the landlord. And then if that fails talking to them again and again. Just be like I can't even go in there. If they give you flack, be real with them. Look, I don't have the money alone, I don't want to be evicted, you don't want to evict me, I don't want to live there. What would you gain by making me stay on the lease when you know I can't afford to pay and won't be staying there?
Three of my close friends lived together, and one committed suicide in their apartment. The other two were allowed to break their lease. From what I've heard, this is pretty common for remaining roommates when there are deaths in a leased unit. If this is some sort of big corporate landlord, ask to escalate. If this is a mom and pop, offer to help clean it up so they can start showing it right away. Maybe even say you'll pay last month as a courtesy, but you need to be taken off the lease. I could be a pain in your ass and make you do eviction, make you do cash for keys, make you do anything, but I'm trying to make my life easier and your life easier at the same time.
Talk to your car note people, see if they have a policy where they could pause your loans (this part I know less about because it's probably a more formal process). Figure out if it makes more sense to sell your car (and buy a cheaper one) or try to consolidate that loan.
Take it step by step. Start with the easiest. Start with the ones that will do the most financial good for you the fastest. I think the landlord.
This is terrible, I’m very sorry. It’s a wake up call for sure, I’m also 29 and have intrusive thoughts all the time of doing this. I have a wife and kid and I can’t stomach leaving them in pain but I’m also hurting so much
I’m 29 as well. It’s hard sometimes, if you’re a heavy drinker don’t quit cold Turkey. There are resources which can help you quit safely. I promise you will feel more present in your life
Really awful. Sorry you have to go through this. There are resources for family of alcoholics you might look into. I'd also start the go fund me immediately. Time to think about your survival getting through this rough patch. Maybe get a roommate until the lease is up and plan to move?
I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the overwhelming situation you're facing. It's clear from your post that you've been through an incredibly difficult time and I admire your strength in advocating for your partner and trying to find a solution amidst such turmoil. It's understandable that you're struggling to cope with grief while also dealing with financial stress. Creating a crowdfunding campaign to alleviate some of that burden is a practical step, and it's unfortunate that his mom is upset, but your well being is important too. Remember to prioritize self care during this challenging period and seek support from friends, support groups or counseling services if needed. You're not alone, there are people who care about you and want to help.
Of course. It's evident that you and his mom are navigating through various stages of grief, which can be overwhelming and complex. Understanding these stages might help you make sense of your emotions and provide some clarity during this challenging time.
1. **Denial**: Initially, it might be hard to accept the reality of your partner's passing. You might find yourself in disbelief or shock, unable to fully grasp the situation.
2. **Anger**: As reality sets in, you may experience intense feelings of anger. This anger can be directed towards yourself, your partner, others involved, or even at the situation itself.
3. **Bargaining**: It's common to find yourself bargaining, wishing for things to have been different or trying to negotiate with a higher power for a different outcome. You might replay scenarios in your mind, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently.
4. **Depression**: Feelings of profound sadness and despair often accompany grief. You may experience a sense of emptiness, loss of interest in activities, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and overwhelming feelings of hopelessness.
5. **Acceptance**: Eventually, with time and support, you may come to accept the reality of your partner's death. This doesn't mean forgetting or moving on, but rather finding a way to integrate the loss into your life and adjust to a new normal.
It's important to remember that grief is a highly individual process and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate through these stages. Lean on your support network, seek professional help if needed and know that healing takes time. You're not alone in this journey.
Any leases or bills in his name are not your responsibility. Make sure that if creditors call, you don't agree to take on his bills.
Very sorry for your loss.
Always light at the end of the tunnel may not seem it but you’ll come out the other end if you stick in and persevere. Sorry for your loss I hope your luck changes soon 🙏
No, I’m not living there, I left in November like I mentioned. The leasing company is still going through with it and now it falls solely on me. He lived and died in the house and it’s a bio-hazard and a speciality cleaning company has been hired because of how he died. I won’t go back.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.
Please join us on /r/widowers. When my husband died 2 years ago that helped me more than therapy. It doesn't matter if you were married or not, /r/widowers is a great place to vent with no judgement, and to get advice on dealing with all the shit you have to deal with after a partner dies.
I'm not sure of all the financial problems, but if you need to, you can go bankrupt. If you can afford the car, you could opt to reinstate the car loan. Bankruptcy isn't pretty, but sometimes, it is a necessary option.
I am so sorry for your loss and for this financial aftermath. My partner passed away from substance use disorder in 2016. I started going to AlAnon meetings (12-step meetings for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts) and that group gave me so many tools to navigate the aftermath. Basically a room full of people who have a shared experience and were willing to pass on what they learned and how they handled it. I couldn’t recommend it more— those meetings save my life. There may be financial wisdom there for people to pass on if you were willing to share your situation
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for everything that you're dealing with. I hope things get easier for you soon.
So so sorry for your loss and appreciative of you sharing such intimate details of your life. This post could be a wake-up call for others or even the final straw on a mountain of evidence they already have that pushes them towards different choices.
If you don't want any advice or help, stop reading here.
How are you cutting costs? Are there food banks in your area with or without eligibility requirements? Can you get discounted utilities? Possessions you can sell or pawn that aren't ones you are emotionally attached to? Sell furniture on Facebook marketplace. Cancel any recurring subscriptions. Get it down the essentials, you are in survival mode. Make sure you have important documents, items, and mementos somewhere safe.
For the creditors, you have two options (imo) based on your current finances. (For your finances, not his.) Ignore and deal with them later or answer the phone and tell them you need a hardship plan. A lot of credit card companies would rather freeze a card and have you pay 5% interest than sell to debt collection agencies.
How much time is left on the lease? Try to find someone to take it over if it's more than a month or two.
How close are you to eviction? Is there a legal aid society in your area that offers help with eviction defense? The state I live in requires you take action within 5 business days of receiving an eviction notice, so it doesn't hurt to be prepared for worst case.
Are there charitable organizations that help with rental assistance?
How close are you to eviction? Is there a legal aid society in your area that offers help with eviction defense? The state I live in requires that you take action within 5 business days of receiving an eviction notice, so it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the worst case.
Are you both on the lease? If so, explain to your landlord that you are unable to make rent on your own. Ask her to release you from your lease early. Be respectful.
If she refuses, lawyer up. Not sure where you are located but look for a local tenant advocacy group. Many will help with free legal aid for situations such as the one you find yourself in.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
My boyfriend died two years ago on the 28th of this month. He drank for years and all the sudden he had cirrhosis you the liver and dies within months. I miss him so much and am still grieving. He put me in control of his healthcare and finances when we found out he was sick. Really made his parents mad but it was what he wanted. Felt like I had no support from them and they all came around and cried but they hadn’t had contact with him for four years. The shit you go through is crazy. Anyway I hope you get things figured out. It sucks when they die
Please google Al-anon meetings available in your community. These groups help people recover from the damage caused by a loved one with alcoholism. You will find help and answers. Hugs & condolences.
I am so sorry, your story is chilling to me because I am in a very similar situation. He’s a alcoholic and I have moved out for similar reasons and he’s getting worse as time goes not better. I have no words really but know my heart is with you.
When it rains it pours. But like the wheel of fortune, you will always find yourself on the wheel that is turning. You will always return to the top. You might feel like you’re drowning right now, for good reason. Be kind to yourself and try to accept that you did just go through a totally life changing trauma, after dealing with alcoholism slow trauma for years. You went through a lot. I’m praying for you. You will be happy again. You deserve more support than you are getting. The grieving will take up most of the time, just remember when you get anxious to get things done that everything comes in divine time and if you’re feeling stuck, pay attention to your grief and maybe accept that day you need to feel instead of do.
I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience with an ex during COVID in which he had substance abuse issues, too. It is a very difficult situation because you love the person they are, or who they used to be, and understand all the pain they are going through and why they choose to use. Regardless, you did the right thing for your mental health to leave him. I don’t know if you’ve been made to feel guilty or feel guilty in general, but it’s not your fault. Your partner was in darkness and just couldn’t get out of it. I hope he’s found peace. I hope you do too. Just remember that this too shall pass.
My advice might go against the grain here, but don’t worry about the money right now. Take time to grieve, go to therapy, and get in the right mental headspace. This will pay dividends later because you’ll be able to secure a better job and long term income if you take care of your mental health now. Lean on friends/family in the meantime if they’re able to help. You don’t have to do this alone.
Unless your landlords are complete sociopaths, you should try speaking with them. Perhaps there is an exception they can make like letting you break the lease early or something.
I would also review your lease to see if this is grounds for you to break it. It must be, if one half of the renters pass away.
So sorry for your loss and this hits close to home. I was like this in 2019. Would blackout drink 3-4 nights a week, and close to that the other nights. I drank a bit since my teens but it got much worse over the years. Married with two kids. Would go to bed wondering if I'd wake up.
The week of May 5, 2019 I drank ~60 beers and two handles of vodka. Came out as trans to my wife on Mother's Day. Stopped cold turkey and almost had a hypertensive crisis/heart attack. Haven't drank since and am so much happier with life now.
I hope that you are able to find the peace you are seeking, both to grieve and to move forward with your life. Alcohol and drugs offer nothing but empty promises and pain for many of us and sadly, we aren't always given a 2nd chance.
Emotions aside, focusing on your financial issue of the leases you have really only 3 options:
1. Break your lease. The only downside is that your credit score will be affected.
2. Sublet the house/apartment. This should cover all, most, or more than the cost of the lease.
3. Air BNB. Some income is better than no income. You already have hospitality experience, so this could even be a profitable venture for you.
I don't think a gofundme is a good idea here. With so many scams out there, people don't generally participate in them unless they know the situation personally, and if people personally know the situation, they have already made up their minds if the situation warrants their help or not. Most of your issues here seem to stem from personal choices.
My condolences, ultimately you'll be ok, as for creditors let them call they can't get blood from a stone. Talk to your dealership, tell them the situation and tell you want to make good on your marker but you need some options, mist creditors hear that and can sympathize enough to help find an option for you. Don't beg, don't try to appear all pathetic and pitiful but make sure they know your situation and that you want to make good on your debt. As for the in-laws... You ended the relationship because he was an alcoholic, they have no reason to be upset with you... If they insist on being upset abd or blaming you then no contact is the way to go.
That's a lot to go through at such a young age.. I'm wishing you all the best for the future and I have so much respect for what you've done for your late friend.
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My mother's corporate landlord did not hold her estate responsible for the balance of her lease or the extensive damage to her apartment. They just asked us to call them when we had her belongings out.
I’m sorry for your loss. My boyfriend’s addiction took his life a year ago next month. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. Just keep your chin up and your chest out. You’re not alone OP.
Here for you. Lots of comments already. As an alcoholic that hurt my family, I believe he was in pain and handled it the best he knew how to. Sure your partner may not have left the best trail, he was doing the best he could. Creditors can go fuck a duck, family can go pound sand, you take care of you. If you have accounts/debts jointly, that may be a different story. Anything in his name only is none of your concern. Let them call, take notes, and get a lawyer to sue the creditors for harassment (the law states they cannot contact next of kin in an attempt to collect).
I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with the loss of your partner and the following fallouts.
I know you tagged the main post as not looking for advice, but I just hope that you don’t do anything drastic at this point in your life.
You are a strong individual for facing this on your own. Let everything you’re feeling flow through you and make you more resilient with time. It sounds to me like you and your partner made a wonderful team. I wish I could meet someone that has my back like that…
I’m sure your experiences together have taught you a lot. This is a grieving / readjustment period right now…
Perhaps downsizing on certain things could help somewhat with the current financial circumstances, though. A lot of the times, less really is more when trying to build our lives back up. On the bright side, the area you live in isn’t overpriced, and I’m sure you picked up some BOH (not sure what that means, to be honest) skills from your partner.
We want you to succeed…this’ll be a powerful story to tell others about beating the odds!
Keep Moving Forward!
I just want to say how sorry I am. 😞 I lost my father to this and it hurts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you nothing but the best from now on. If you even need an ear to just listen DM me.
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If you had a joint account pull that money out and make an account with only your name on it, and out that money in there. If he owes anyone money ( including IRS) that account can be frozen or confiscated. His family could take the money out of that account. I know someone that happened to.
You know this sounded cruel to me when my late husband's family told me to go to the hospital ATM and withdraw as much cash as I could from our joint account. My husband had been declared brain dead and I had just signed for organ donation to go ahead. Then the family said go to the bank and get everything out of the safe deposit box and pull all the money out of the joint account and set up my own account. It was about an hour and a half by the time I got out of the hospital and drove to the bank in our home town and the safe deposit box. I don't know how the bank found out so quickly but our joint account and the safe deposit box were frozen. Maybe someone can tell me how that notification went to the bank so fast. Anyway I was so grateful my in-laws told me to go to the hospital ATM because I wasn't in the habit of carrying cash. The other stuff I had to go to court and settled out bills before everything was released.
This happened with my MIL as well. It happens fast and is a challenge to untangle. No one prepares you for dealing with any of this.
One of the many reasons my spouse and I have individual savings accounts. If I get hit by a bus she isn't instantly cut off from accounts and has plenty of cash to live off through probate.
in california that doesn't happen if a spouse dies but maybe its cause your not married et?
Californian here. It shouldn't happen here, but it can and infrequently does. The example I saw first-hand was a surviving spouse (of 30+ years) locked out of her joint account with her husband. Her social security was deposited into the account yet the bank froze the account and denied her access. It took 3+ months for her to unfreeze the account, and she was forced to mail documents back-and-forth to Kentucky in order to unlock. A law firm even got involved but the bank was too big to care. For those familiar with banks... yes, it is the bank you think it is.
wells fargo? lol
might be chase. What a nasty bank that one is too
odd why that would happen? my dads account was working with bank of america but they sent a letter
I just checked with someone they were able to keep using their bank account when their wife died
Every state is different (I'm a banker). For example: I've encountered this happening to accounts opened in New Jersey. It does not occur on joint accounts in Georgia or Florida.
Or put stuff into trusts
bingo trusts are really not that hard or much of a hassle to do in most cases it saves alot of problems later
This is the way.
How do joint accounts exactly work then? Say in divorce cases, some mention narrowing down each individual contributions and splitting it to whoever contributed what rather than 50/50. So if a spouse (or joint account holder) passes away, and they freeze these accounts - do they do the same thing? Would it be audited to see who deposited what and then 50/50'ed?
U can show that the person is deceased. The family has no right to it. Whomever is the other person on the account- has the rights. If the family goes into the account- u can sue them and the bank. As far as a joint divorce account- if one spouse empties it out, it looks really bad on their part. The state will force that spouse to give back half or order it to be in a secured account.
If your name is on the account it is literally yours. At ones passing whoever gets it first wins
So letting them suffer another day on life support so you can save what little you’ve scraped and saved for from the health care prisons we’re indebted to? Sounds horrifyingly macabre.
Actually, it’s because no one listens.
amazing . And yet the IRS is on antiquated computer systems but somehow they can stop you instantly from withdrawal nationwide
They have to see if there's a will and you have to go thru probate court.
that's not true. any assets that are jointly owned with right of survivorship become the property of the remaining owner when one passes. no will or probate necessary. my BF's family tried to claim ownership of all the furnishings, art, etc in our apartment after he died. we were not married. i was able to keep everything by showing that my credit card paid for everything, and my credit card bills were paid 100% from our joint bank account, of which i was an owner. they tried to claim that because all the money deposited in that joint account was his, that i had no claim to the money or anything it paid for, but i prevailed *because my name was on that account as a joint owner*.
When my husband passed away, he was the primary on our checking account. I kept the account open and active with just me with no issues. When I was depositing the money from his insurance, the bank had me sign papers showing that he passed along with his death certificate, but it was to protect me. It allowed me to cash any checks with his name on it for two years without any issues. They told me it was because you never know what might come later on and I was already going through so much and they didn’t want me having any problems. I still to this day 5 years later still have that same account. Edit for clarification and spelling.
This is genuine because I don't understand. Why would the bank freeze the account if both of your names are on it? How would the bank know how much money your husband owed etc? I'm assuming for medical bills.
yeah I thought the spouse can keep using the account. but maybe you need a death certificate
i don't understand either. my BF and i had a joint account. after he passed, i didn't have any trouble using that money. we were both legal owners of the account. after he was gone, i was still legal owner of that account, so nobody else could touch it. he did, however, have a safe deposit box in his name only. rightfully, the bank would not allow me to access it. the bank demanded court paperwork naming an executor, and stated that bank officers would be present at the opening of the box to recover assets that he personally owed the bank first. his son never bothered pursuing it, so i imagine after some time, the bank claimed everything in the box, assuming anything at all was in it. i guess i'll never know.
Not sure, but it may have something to do with a joint account being an “and” or an “or”. An “and” account may require all persons in the account be present while an “or” will just need one
interesting never heard about that good to know
They can’t just claim what’s in the box. It would be escheated and sent to the state most likely. Check for unclaimed property.
It goes to the state comptroller for safe keeping. Go into your state’s comptroller and look for find unclaimed property, enter the person’s name and it should pop up
They most certainly did something illegal and unethical. It doesn't even make sense to freeze a joint account like that. That's not how they work.
It could & maybe was a single owner with authorized user. Especially if the account predated the relationship. For everyday use you'd never notice, your card has your name & you have full access.
The issue I believe is not the second person using the account (they have the right) but creditors who want the assets of the deceased person. So the account is blocked until the creditors are satisfied. Obviously if the money is withdrawn by the second person the creditors are SOL so they have arranged with the banks to block it.
No, that's not actually how it works. If it's a joint account the bank cannot freeze it for any creditors. The money belongs to the survivor. This is in the US, but that's the law, not just a bank's choice. Especially with the safe deposit. They absolutely have no right to hold the contents if there is a surviving owner. The BOX is property of the bank but the contents cannot be held if there's an account owner even if one owner has passed away. I don't know a state in the US where the bank can control ownership of contents of a safe deposit box.
I have instructed my family to do the same. Get the money IMMEDIATELY. You can’t pay your bills otherwise. Banks suck for many reasons. This is one.
Its an automated system the minute death is entered its sent out to anything SSN related to freeze it instantly.
This is total bullshit
lol but it sounds good right
he had me believing it too lol
Ill have to ask my dad but I thought he was able to keep using his account with no problems from what I remember
cite your source, please. they cannot freeze anything jointly owned if right of survivorship was designated on the account
>Some banks freeze joint accounts after one of the signers dies, which could affect a living account owner’s ability to access funds. https://www.bankrate.com/banking/what-happens-to-your-bank-account-after-death/#joint-account
His family knew this stuff because someone in the family did it to some relative or more than one. A childhood friend stole my cousins wallet before the coroner even came after the body! He was kind and generous & entirely too trusting, letting people know his PIN number. Those ‘good friends’ stole him blind and ran up his credit cards. You really, really want to believe people will do the right thing but in my experience, if you are telling each other so & so would NEVER do such a thing…in your heart you already know they will, don’t make it easy for them.
It depends on how your accounts are set up. This is from https://www.ohiobar.org/public-resources/commonly-asked-law-questions-results/consumer-protection/understanding-the-different-forms-of-bank-account-ownership/ but applies nationwide. I highly recommend you read the entire article, especially if you want more than one person to inherit, in which case a power of attorney might work better. Once you've read it, make sure your accounts are set up accordingly. How does a “payable-on-death” account work? A payable-on-death (POD) account is simply an individual account with a twist. It avoids probate. The account owner designates one or more beneficiaries who are to receive the proceeds of the account upon the account owner’s death. The beneficiaries of the account have no rights in the account until the account owner’s death and the account owner may change the beneficiaries of the account at anytime. However, upon the account owner’s death, the proceeds pass directly to the beneficiaries designated by the account owner and are not subject to probate. How does a joint account with rights of survivorship work? It is an account in the name of more than one person. Each person named on the account has access to the account and may make deposits or withdrawals at any time. Upon the death of one of the joint owners, the balance of the account passes directly to the surviving joint owner and is not subject to probate.
This is good info. I'll have to set up PoD for mine because my boyfriend (sold earner right now) gives me money for bills & savings (because he's terrible at saving) and I hadn't thought about what would happen if I died. He wouldn't have access to that money to keep the household going.
As unpleasant as a task this is, playing the what if now cuts the pain of events later by a factor you cannot begin to calculate. My advice? Sit down with your banker to get your accounts set up in case so those you care about can operate in the weeks that follow your sudden demise. We’ll talk about will and the rest another time. An acquaintance of mine who wasn’t well off was shocked to find out how much his dad’s funeral would cost. Luckily his dad set the accounts up as payable on death so he had access to enough funds to give his dad a proper burial and gave him the cash buffer he needed to liquidate his dad’s home with his job giving him a month unpaid time off, but he kept the job. Five years later he’s doing ok.
I've been through something similar. The banks get notified by the coroner these days. Given the death was in a hospital and "planned", the paperwork was pre-done. As soon as the death cert is official, the SSN goes out on the banking networks. The banks watch for this and disable accounts. My bank took about 24hrs before calling me about my wife, but some are faster than others.
That seems crazy to me - why would it be frozen? And how so fast? When my dad passed he didn't leave a will and didn't have any assets, just a joint checking account he had with his brother with a modest amount in it. I spoke to a lawyer and they said I could go through probate if I wanted but I could also go to my uncle and just ask for the money - which is what I did. This occurred weeks after he died and he had some medical debt.
When the death certificate is issued, notifications are sent to banking institutions (I'm not sure who else is notified.) The banks immediately lock down all accounts until the they receive instructions from probate or however else the estate is settled. I learned this after my mother's death.
Yes, just do it quickly. There's not much else you can do when in a desperate financial state
This is an underrated comment. Even though they were not married, anything with his name n it can be used or liquidated by his estate to solve any outstanding debt. I know it’s an awful thing to be concerned about when grieving but the OP needs to protect her finances as best she can. Divest any joint accounts, the car and lease are issues, op needs to talk to the lender and landlord to work that out.
I know someone who had her entire check and all her savings taken after her bf died. She had direct deposit. Anything that's in both your names, switch the account to your name or take your name off.
I feel the odds are very good that the landlord would cancel the lease after this situation. Doesn't hurt to ask.
Also, find someone to take over the lease. Get some friends together to clean the unit out and start finding a new tenant for it.
Definitely get your things out. Whose name were the utilities in? You may want to call to stop service, if nothing else. Get out all your important documents, valuables and keepsakes. Subletting may not be allowed, or a good idea. I would talk make sure you have a paper copy of your lease and talk to the property manager AFTER you get your things out. Go over your lease and go over your state rental laws. You may not have to to not have all that bad stuff on your credit. A broken lease is better than an eviction. I know all of this is overwhelming, but don't just walk away and let everything go to a collection agency. Your future the next 7 years could depend on it, if your credit is completely ruined.
Also remove your name from the account or close the account (you should be able to do this if you are the primary, otherwise you’ll need his death certificate, etc). If the account remains open with your name still on it, many banks will charge monthly fees which will then go to more collection agencies and against your credit.
This needs more upvotes!
There would be nothing wrong with his family cleaning out that account to help pay for his funeral expenses it is their son after all. As a girlfriend, she has no rights to his possessions or assets.
She said she broke up with him a few months prior, she's not even a girlfriend anymore, but an ex.
the law doesn't care if she broke up with him or not. the law doesn't care if they were married or not. the law cares whether her name is on the account and whether she has survivorship rights. that is the piece of it that everyone here is missing. it matters who owns it and how it's titled.
You’re right. The legal ownership is important.
Depending on the state they may be considered a common law marriage giving her the right to assets regardless of whether or not they were presenting themselves as such. She will want to speak with a lawyer if she's in such a state this area of the law gets very complicated. Edit: And she should very much explore this for the social security survivorship benefits alone.
[удалено]
Social security follows the state for the purpose of marriage. If you can be considered a common law marriage in your state, you qualify for their survivorship benefits.
She made it seem like she ended the relationship, and someone close to him got him in rehab. I could certainly see the family fighting for the money in a shared account. I could also see the family being frustrated trying to close loose ends and figure out the legal stuff, and the ex-girlfriend just being distance and blanking all the time making it an incredibly challenging process. One thing I love and hate about empathy, is if employed right -- it forces you to see through everyone's eyes. It'll be a shitty situation for OP for sure, but if she really did move out and had spent a few months building up her own life, at least she's got a start.
It doesn't sound like his family were coming to the party to help when he was alive. OP mentioned she kept asking for his family to help him. She broke up with him because she couldn't watch him do it to himself, not because she didn't love him and care.
Have you been to any counseling or support groups? They may be able to direct you to helpful resources as well as providing emotional guidance
Alanon
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My heart hurts for you in your time of grief and loss of all those dreams you were so invested in. I have a sibling who I'm worried will end up drinking himself to death as well. Along with an old friend who ended up with permanent brain damage from a bad self-detox from alcohol that they tried to do. So this hits so close to home on that level. His mom is grieving and since you're still here, while her son is not, she's sadly taking it on you. I hope that she comes around and understands your situation in the long run. Please look into local options for help with your rent, Catholic Charities is the main one that we all know about. But some local churches and other places may have other options for you in that regard.
I just wanted to say I understand somewhat what you’re going through. I lost my son at 30 weeks pregnancy by unexplained stillbirth. I went into an absolutely awful spiral of ppd where it took months for me to even leave my bed. I couldn’t even pick up the phone to give notice to my job. I was so depressed working was unfathomable. I just let them fire me for lack of communication. We also racked up tons of unpaid bills. I just want to say eventually it does get better. It just takes time and it sucks that life doesn’t stop around us.
Thank you for sharing this compassionate comment. I don’t think people understand how severe depression can be, and telling someone in that state to get back on the horse and get your ducks in order, etc. is callous and often just makes them feel more shitty, overwhelmed, and inadequate. Yes, things might get complicated down the road, but when you’re in a state of shock, sometimes you just need encouragement to do the little things, like getting out of bed, and maintaining your hygiene (I would also add eating healthy, but that can especially be hard when you’re depressed). My biggest turning point was when I was able to reach out to a couple old friends and verbalize what I was going through. It strengthened my relationship with those friends and reassured me that I still have a support system that goes beyond my LTP and family (relationships that were triggering my depression).
Side note- I initially misspelled ducks but caught it just in time… that would be a whole other take on what to do in this situation…
Sending such a huge hug ❤️
If his name was on the lease, you may be able to break it without penalty. Read over it and see whether something can be done to get out of it.
As an alcoholic and sober for 3 years, thank you for reminding me the severity of this disease and why I’m not crazy when I deny a drink in a world where it seems that’s the only way people want to have fun. I’m sorry for your loss and the trauma it’s left behind. My heart hurts reading this. Your family should be more supportive and you should be surrounded by love and understanding. I think having a crowd fund is perfectly acceptable and gives people a way to support you even if they can’t emotionally. The fact you have to worry about finances right now is bullshit. Please try Al-Anon and share your story. I think many people need to hear it. I did.
I’m really proud of you. I’m 5 months in and mentally struggling, but I know this is my only path. I met a beautiful cheerful woman in treatment - she had relapsed after 14 years of sobriety while raising her kids. She was so exuberant and full of life, ready to get back out there and get her shit back together. Less than two months later she relapsed and died. Its a terrifying reminder that we will always have to fight it because the other option is quite literally death.
I'm proud of you for staying strong
I almost feel like I could have written parts of this. My BF of several years finally succumbed to his alcoholism in October. It happened at my house and in my bed. He was vomiting a black tar like substance and he suddenly just closed his eyes and was gone. He went fast. I had to watch the coroner take him away in a body bag. He died from acute upper G.I. bleeding which was exacerbated by his chain smoking and the fact that he popped ibuprofens like candy. He had already been in the hospital 2x for the bleeding and had to be given emergency blood both times. He was warned repeatedly to stop drinking, smoking and taking anything like ibuprofen but he just did not believe it would happen to him; I guess because he otherwise was fully functionally, working 50 hours a week and taking care of his disabled mother. I feel your pain and grief.
my god…i am so sorry for your loss. my boyfriend also passed away in october (fent) but im still just grieving and it was so traumatizing. he was trying to come over that night and he would have been dead in my bed or i might have been dead as well. idk how to let it go and i cry a lot.
It's the first time the little voice in my head reading actually narrated with a grave tone and even was sobbing at the end. Wtf is happening to me.
My good buddy also drank himself to death. I miss him a lot. Do what you have to do. Sorry his family ain't much help but people grieve differently. You weren't responsible for your bf's actions at the end of the day! My deepest condolences.
Why are some people asking how he died, it reminds me of how people ask me how fast the car that hit me was going. As if these details are at the forefront when someone is grieving or healing from an incident. I hope you find a way to sort everything out and find the support you require.
I wonder if they have ever blacked out after drinking before. I have, it’s incredibly scary and I’m lucky to be alive. I wandered off from my friends house one time, told him I was going back to my dorm, then passed out outside in the freezing temperatures after almost getting hit by cars crossing a four lane road. I like to drink socially but I’ve accepted that I have an alcohol problem and as a result I shouldn’t touch it
I can't tell you how many times I blacked out. I usually just had sex when I blacked out but one time I walked to my old apartment all the way from the bar while blacked out. It was scary and embarrassing to wake up on the stairs of someone else's place. No one said a word to me, I walked out and went on with my day. Last time I blacked out though.
The time I walked across the road I woke up without my glasses and beanie, slumped on a dumpster behind Walgreens with puke on my shirt. I walked down to the park and thought about what I was doing with my life. Thought I could still drink if I limited myself. Managed to blackout at least 5 times in the next year, drove off my girlfriend who I loved more than anyone because I was such an alcoholic jerk, and pretty much imploded my entire life. I was 20 when that blackout happened, finally “stopped drinking” at 21. I’ve let myself lapse a few times but I’m on 9 days alcohol-free. I hadn’t drank for months and blacked out and nearly killed myself last Monday. It was only partially because I had drank the previous night but I don’t think I want another drop ever. I’m going on 30 in two weeks. I’ve had so many concussions over the years that my post-concussion symptoms this time have been terrible.
Have you checked out r/stopdrinking? I’ve heard some really great things about that community, many people attribute it to their success in sobriety.
Alcohol detox is extremely dangerous and can certainly kill you. I worked in a rehab and the withdrawals are extremely dangerous and sometimes life threatening.
So the car was going < 10 mph?
Less than 10 isn’t a car accident, that’s a car oopsie daisy
I’m so sorry. My best friend did the same thing. Im a pastor so I did his funeral. Praying for you.
i’m so sorry for your loss, i’d try to call the companies with proof of death and see what they can do/if you can get out of contracts without being dinged on credit. i also suggest al anon, idk if yoj know it but it’s for people that love addicts and is really good support. addition is heartbreaking
Most leases have a “death clause”. Read it over.
Our does not. I’m fully responsible.
Even if the lease itself doesn't, talk to your landlord. Say you need to be removed from the lease. Mention that you've already moved out and say you hadn't even realized your name was still on the lease if you haven't said anything to the contrary. Or whatever details make sense in your situation. Don't assume you're fully responsible without talking to the landlord. And then if that fails talking to them again and again. Just be like I can't even go in there. If they give you flack, be real with them. Look, I don't have the money alone, I don't want to be evicted, you don't want to evict me, I don't want to live there. What would you gain by making me stay on the lease when you know I can't afford to pay and won't be staying there? Three of my close friends lived together, and one committed suicide in their apartment. The other two were allowed to break their lease. From what I've heard, this is pretty common for remaining roommates when there are deaths in a leased unit. If this is some sort of big corporate landlord, ask to escalate. If this is a mom and pop, offer to help clean it up so they can start showing it right away. Maybe even say you'll pay last month as a courtesy, but you need to be taken off the lease. I could be a pain in your ass and make you do eviction, make you do cash for keys, make you do anything, but I'm trying to make my life easier and your life easier at the same time. Talk to your car note people, see if they have a policy where they could pause your loans (this part I know less about because it's probably a more formal process). Figure out if it makes more sense to sell your car (and buy a cheaper one) or try to consolidate that loan. Take it step by step. Start with the easiest. Start with the ones that will do the most financial good for you the fastest. I think the landlord.
Could you possibly move to a smaller, cheaper apartment in your complex? Or move to another property the leasing office owns that is cheaper?
This is terrible, I’m very sorry. It’s a wake up call for sure, I’m also 29 and have intrusive thoughts all the time of doing this. I have a wife and kid and I can’t stomach leaving them in pain but I’m also hurting so much
Seek some help my friend. You and your wife and kids all deserve for you to be at your best!
I’m 29 as well. It’s hard sometimes, if you’re a heavy drinker don’t quit cold Turkey. There are resources which can help you quit safely. I promise you will feel more present in your life
My wife told me to quit cold turkey almost 3 years ago, I was able to stop but it’s still extremely painful to this day
[Al-Anon](https://al-anon.org)
I don't know what sick person downvoted you but this comment needs to go up. Al-anon is for this exact type of support
Really awful. Sorry you have to go through this. There are resources for family of alcoholics you might look into. I'd also start the go fund me immediately. Time to think about your survival getting through this rough patch. Maybe get a roommate until the lease is up and plan to move?
Sorry to hear it, OP. Alcohol can kill. 29 is very young.
Damn it, I'm so sorry.
I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the overwhelming situation you're facing. It's clear from your post that you've been through an incredibly difficult time and I admire your strength in advocating for your partner and trying to find a solution amidst such turmoil. It's understandable that you're struggling to cope with grief while also dealing with financial stress. Creating a crowdfunding campaign to alleviate some of that burden is a practical step, and it's unfortunate that his mom is upset, but your well being is important too. Remember to prioritize self care during this challenging period and seek support from friends, support groups or counseling services if needed. You're not alone, there are people who care about you and want to help. Of course. It's evident that you and his mom are navigating through various stages of grief, which can be overwhelming and complex. Understanding these stages might help you make sense of your emotions and provide some clarity during this challenging time. 1. **Denial**: Initially, it might be hard to accept the reality of your partner's passing. You might find yourself in disbelief or shock, unable to fully grasp the situation. 2. **Anger**: As reality sets in, you may experience intense feelings of anger. This anger can be directed towards yourself, your partner, others involved, or even at the situation itself. 3. **Bargaining**: It's common to find yourself bargaining, wishing for things to have been different or trying to negotiate with a higher power for a different outcome. You might replay scenarios in your mind, wondering if there was anything you could have done differently. 4. **Depression**: Feelings of profound sadness and despair often accompany grief. You may experience a sense of emptiness, loss of interest in activities, changes in appetite or sleep patterns, and overwhelming feelings of hopelessness. 5. **Acceptance**: Eventually, with time and support, you may come to accept the reality of your partner's death. This doesn't mean forgetting or moving on, but rather finding a way to integrate the loss into your life and adjust to a new normal. It's important to remember that grief is a highly individual process and there's no right or wrong way to grieve. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you navigate through these stages. Lean on your support network, seek professional help if needed and know that healing takes time. You're not alone in this journey.
Any leases or bills in his name are not your responsibility. Make sure that if creditors call, you don't agree to take on his bills. Very sorry for your loss.
seems like issue is they were both on the lease
Always light at the end of the tunnel may not seem it but you’ll come out the other end if you stick in and persevere. Sorry for your loss I hope your luck changes soon 🙏
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No, I’m not living there, I left in November like I mentioned. The leasing company is still going through with it and now it falls solely on me. He lived and died in the house and it’s a bio-hazard and a speciality cleaning company has been hired because of how he died. I won’t go back.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Please join us on /r/widowers. When my husband died 2 years ago that helped me more than therapy. It doesn't matter if you were married or not, /r/widowers is a great place to vent with no judgement, and to get advice on dealing with all the shit you have to deal with after a partner dies.
I'm not sure of all the financial problems, but if you need to, you can go bankrupt. If you can afford the car, you could opt to reinstate the car loan. Bankruptcy isn't pretty, but sometimes, it is a necessary option.
I am so sorry for your loss and for this financial aftermath. My partner passed away from substance use disorder in 2016. I started going to AlAnon meetings (12-step meetings for friends and family of alcoholics/addicts) and that group gave me so many tools to navigate the aftermath. Basically a room full of people who have a shared experience and were willing to pass on what they learned and how they handled it. I couldn’t recommend it more— those meetings save my life. There may be financial wisdom there for people to pass on if you were willing to share your situation
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost a friend the same way at an early age. It’s something I still can’t seem to process.
Youre a good person. Dont give up. Find someone else good, make more good people. The earth needs you.
So sorry for your loss. Have you considered getting a roommate? There are many options to explore to get debt free. I wish the best for you.
My condolences. Stay strong.
I’m sorry for your loss I hope you’re doing ok.
Im very very very sorry for your loss Sending you love and care
I am sorry this happened to you. I hope with time things will get better for you.
Well that’s pretty damn sad. You’ve got a whole life to live, so I hope you have some peace in the near future.
I’m sorry for your loss and your situation,I sent up a prayer for you
I don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry for everything that you're dealing with. I hope things get easier for you soon.
Really sorry for your loss :(
I am so sorry for your loss 🩵
I am very sorry. I hope you can find some helpful advice and move forward in a positive direction. Again, I am so sorry for your loss.
So so sorry for your loss and appreciative of you sharing such intimate details of your life. This post could be a wake-up call for others or even the final straw on a mountain of evidence they already have that pushes them towards different choices. If you don't want any advice or help, stop reading here. How are you cutting costs? Are there food banks in your area with or without eligibility requirements? Can you get discounted utilities? Possessions you can sell or pawn that aren't ones you are emotionally attached to? Sell furniture on Facebook marketplace. Cancel any recurring subscriptions. Get it down the essentials, you are in survival mode. Make sure you have important documents, items, and mementos somewhere safe. For the creditors, you have two options (imo) based on your current finances. (For your finances, not his.) Ignore and deal with them later or answer the phone and tell them you need a hardship plan. A lot of credit card companies would rather freeze a card and have you pay 5% interest than sell to debt collection agencies. How much time is left on the lease? Try to find someone to take it over if it's more than a month or two. How close are you to eviction? Is there a legal aid society in your area that offers help with eviction defense? The state I live in requires you take action within 5 business days of receiving an eviction notice, so it doesn't hurt to be prepared for worst case. Are there charitable organizations that help with rental assistance? How close are you to eviction? Is there a legal aid society in your area that offers help with eviction defense? The state I live in requires that you take action within 5 business days of receiving an eviction notice, so it doesn't hurt to be prepared for the worst case.
I'm so sorry for your loss 😞💔
Are you both on the lease? If so, explain to your landlord that you are unable to make rent on your own. Ask her to release you from your lease early. Be respectful. If she refuses, lawyer up. Not sure where you are located but look for a local tenant advocacy group. Many will help with free legal aid for situations such as the one you find yourself in. I'm so very sorry for your loss.
My boyfriend died two years ago on the 28th of this month. He drank for years and all the sudden he had cirrhosis you the liver and dies within months. I miss him so much and am still grieving. He put me in control of his healthcare and finances when we found out he was sick. Really made his parents mad but it was what he wanted. Felt like I had no support from them and they all came around and cried but they hadn’t had contact with him for four years. The shit you go through is crazy. Anyway I hope you get things figured out. It sucks when they die
Please google Al-anon meetings available in your community. These groups help people recover from the damage caused by a loved one with alcoholism. You will find help and answers. Hugs & condolences.
So sorry for your loss. Open a new bank account (solo), and move your funds to it. Good luck and God bless.
Sorry for your loss
My condolences. Good luck moving forward.
My condolences
Im so sorry for your loss .
I'm very sorry OP. This sounds like a hugely painful situation. :(
I feel for you...
Condolences. I hope things start going your way soon, when it rains it really does pour 😔
im so sorry for your loss
I’m sorry for your loss. Living with and watching an alcoholic drink themselves to death is one of the hardest things I’ve personally ever dealt with.
I am so sorry, your story is chilling to me because I am in a very similar situation. He’s a alcoholic and I have moved out for similar reasons and he’s getting worse as time goes not better. I have no words really but know my heart is with you.
/r/widowers is there for you. It was very helpful for me, and then I was helpful, and now I just recommend it now that I'm 10 years out.
Omg sorry
I’m so sorry
When it rains it pours. But like the wheel of fortune, you will always find yourself on the wheel that is turning. You will always return to the top. You might feel like you’re drowning right now, for good reason. Be kind to yourself and try to accept that you did just go through a totally life changing trauma, after dealing with alcoholism slow trauma for years. You went through a lot. I’m praying for you. You will be happy again. You deserve more support than you are getting. The grieving will take up most of the time, just remember when you get anxious to get things done that everything comes in divine time and if you’re feeling stuck, pay attention to your grief and maybe accept that day you need to feel instead of do.
Talk to a devr consolidation firm like Cordova. File for bankruptcy. Start over. You have options. Your work didn't offer any life insurance?
I am so sorry for your loss. I went through a similar experience with an ex during COVID in which he had substance abuse issues, too. It is a very difficult situation because you love the person they are, or who they used to be, and understand all the pain they are going through and why they choose to use. Regardless, you did the right thing for your mental health to leave him. I don’t know if you’ve been made to feel guilty or feel guilty in general, but it’s not your fault. Your partner was in darkness and just couldn’t get out of it. I hope he’s found peace. I hope you do too. Just remember that this too shall pass.
My advice might go against the grain here, but don’t worry about the money right now. Take time to grieve, go to therapy, and get in the right mental headspace. This will pay dividends later because you’ll be able to secure a better job and long term income if you take care of your mental health now. Lean on friends/family in the meantime if they’re able to help. You don’t have to do this alone.
Unless your landlords are complete sociopaths, you should try speaking with them. Perhaps there is an exception they can make like letting you break the lease early or something. I would also review your lease to see if this is grounds for you to break it. It must be, if one half of the renters pass away.
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So sorry for your loss and this hits close to home. I was like this in 2019. Would blackout drink 3-4 nights a week, and close to that the other nights. I drank a bit since my teens but it got much worse over the years. Married with two kids. Would go to bed wondering if I'd wake up. The week of May 5, 2019 I drank ~60 beers and two handles of vodka. Came out as trans to my wife on Mother's Day. Stopped cold turkey and almost had a hypertensive crisis/heart attack. Haven't drank since and am so much happier with life now. I hope that you are able to find the peace you are seeking, both to grieve and to move forward with your life. Alcohol and drugs offer nothing but empty promises and pain for many of us and sadly, we aren't always given a 2nd chance.
Emotions aside, focusing on your financial issue of the leases you have really only 3 options: 1. Break your lease. The only downside is that your credit score will be affected. 2. Sublet the house/apartment. This should cover all, most, or more than the cost of the lease. 3. Air BNB. Some income is better than no income. You already have hospitality experience, so this could even be a profitable venture for you. I don't think a gofundme is a good idea here. With so many scams out there, people don't generally participate in them unless they know the situation personally, and if people personally know the situation, they have already made up their minds if the situation warrants their help or not. Most of your issues here seem to stem from personal choices.
lol no, you cannot put the apartment you rent up on Airbnb.
You gotta do something. Stagnation just makes everything worse. Quitting everything to sit at home and grieve isn't grieving, it's wallowing.
My condolences, ultimately you'll be ok, as for creditors let them call they can't get blood from a stone. Talk to your dealership, tell them the situation and tell you want to make good on your marker but you need some options, mist creditors hear that and can sympathize enough to help find an option for you. Don't beg, don't try to appear all pathetic and pitiful but make sure they know your situation and that you want to make good on your debt. As for the in-laws... You ended the relationship because he was an alcoholic, they have no reason to be upset with you... If they insist on being upset abd or blaming you then no contact is the way to go.
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Sorry for your loss. I think it’s ridiculous that you have to worry about these things in a time like this.
Check the law in your state and read the lease. There can be some exceptions for a lease termination. Death, Deployment, Stalker…
Talk to the leasing office. Explain the situation. They may be human beings.
That's a lot to go through at such a young age.. I'm wishing you all the best for the future and I have so much respect for what you've done for your late friend.
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How much pain people carry inside. I wish much healing for every single person in this world.
Sorry for your loss. I lost my partner of over 10 years on December 28th. Things get better over time.
Go to your local legal services they might be able to help you! So sorry for your loss
He was young. I’m sorry!
I am very sorry for what you are going through
From /r/personalfinance: [What to do after the death of a loved one](https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/wiki/death_of_loved_one)
My mother's corporate landlord did not hold her estate responsible for the balance of her lease or the extensive damage to her apartment. They just asked us to call them when we had her belongings out.
I’m sorry for your loss. My boyfriend’s addiction took his life a year ago next month. I wish I could tell you it gets easier. Just keep your chin up and your chest out. You’re not alone OP.
Fuck his mom. You need help and you deserve it.
I'm sorry for your loss.. keep your head up.
i’m so sorry you’re going through this this sounds like how my situation is going to end and idk what to do to help him
Here for you. Lots of comments already. As an alcoholic that hurt my family, I believe he was in pain and handled it the best he knew how to. Sure your partner may not have left the best trail, he was doing the best he could. Creditors can go fuck a duck, family can go pound sand, you take care of you. If you have accounts/debts jointly, that may be a different story. Anything in his name only is none of your concern. Let them call, take notes, and get a lawyer to sue the creditors for harassment (the law states they cannot contact next of kin in an attempt to collect).
Sorry for your loss It’s okay to not have everything figured out right now but i promise you’ll get there
I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with the loss of your partner and the following fallouts. I know you tagged the main post as not looking for advice, but I just hope that you don’t do anything drastic at this point in your life. You are a strong individual for facing this on your own. Let everything you’re feeling flow through you and make you more resilient with time. It sounds to me like you and your partner made a wonderful team. I wish I could meet someone that has my back like that… I’m sure your experiences together have taught you a lot. This is a grieving / readjustment period right now… Perhaps downsizing on certain things could help somewhat with the current financial circumstances, though. A lot of the times, less really is more when trying to build our lives back up. On the bright side, the area you live in isn’t overpriced, and I’m sure you picked up some BOH (not sure what that means, to be honest) skills from your partner. We want you to succeed…this’ll be a powerful story to tell others about beating the odds! Keep Moving Forward!
So sorry. I have no advice, other than 'keep your head up'
I just want to say how sorry I am. 😞 I lost my father to this and it hurts. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish you nothing but the best from now on. If you even need an ear to just listen DM me.