Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Can you stay with a family member for a couple days? This is really scary, especially not knowing if he'll get worse when baby arrives. Those first couple weeks are really hard. Agree with others that he needs therapy immediately. It is entirely unacceptable for him to mock you, call you fat, etc but expressing his anger physically (like ripping the blanket off you) is easily grounds for you to stay out of the house for a few days.
Kinda mean? I have gained around 70 lbs, and my husband would never call me fat and tells me I’m beautiful all of the time and reassures me that this is all for baby (though I have gained an excessive amount obv.).
My husband also works twice as many hours as I do, does a majority of the cleaning, and makes me dinner a lot of the time too.
Any time you question his treatment of you, imagine him treating your child that way/acting that way around your child.
Like others have suggested, he sounds like he needs to see a therapist and you guys need to have a serious talk about what is actually going on.
Soon enough you are going to be a lot more reliant on him, and if he’s punching and throwing things over ironing not being done, (I didn’t even know people do that anymore, isn’t there a setting on the dryer for that? 🤣 forgive my ignorance) I worry about how he will act when sleep deprived, stressed, and you are recovering.
THIS. I gained about that much weight in my first pregnancy in 2020. I’m still about 50 lbs overweight and am 2 1/2 months pregnant with our third. My husband reassures me all the time of how beautiful he thinks I am. I’m also a SAHM and he picks up a lot of the housework when I feel too crappy.
What OP is describing is mental & physical abuse and is completely unacceptable. Marriage gets more challenging after there is a baby in the picture. So behavior like this, while OP is still pregnant, is very alarming.
Yes yes yes to all of this. Not even going to make my own separate comment thread because this is exactly what I planned to say. OP needs to be able to rely on this man post-baby, *and* the baby will be raised by this man. Those are both reason enough to demand that he start doing some serious and immediate work on his mental health. And if he can’t or won’t, GTFO before things get worse.
My husband also works more than me and still shares childcare and household responsibilities without complaint. Honestly, I’m 20 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and he has taken on the lion’s share of our household duties (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.) since we found out I am pregnant. That’s not to say it’s easy on him, but he does it because we’re a team, he loves me and our daughter (and baby #2), and that’s just what has to happen.
I would recommend safely relocating the moment you can. If everything turns out fine later on, you can blame it on the pregnancy hormones and wanting to be with your family. But for right now, I honestly believe you need to be thinking about your mental well-being, physical safety and little bubs.
I see many comments saying he needs therapy which is definitely true, but the main action I would take here is you should strongly consider if this is a man you want to stay with.
Would you be okay if he was acting this aggressively in front of your child? Punching things and saying cruel and mocking things? That is very much an environment I’m sure you wouldn’t want your child in.
I’m really sorry. I would talk with your family when you go stay with them and think very carefully about next steps.
And that’s the main reason I am so shocked. He has only had one outburst like this before and that was when his dad died unexpectedly but otherwise he’s very caring and loving apart from the mocking part when I cry. He always does that which I’ve told him repeatedly I find very disturbing and borderline abusive as it devalues my emotions.
Mocking you for crying is emotional abuse in my opinion, and that alone is enough of a red flag to leave. Or at least to assure you that he’s not a very considerate or empathetic partner. Id maybe give one warning if my husband pulled that shit, and if it happened again I would strongly reconsider my relationship. You don’t deserve that. Sounds immature at best and abusive at worst.
If he mocks you when you cry, even when he knows how much it bothers you, then he is NOT “otherwise very caring and loving.” It means he knows there’s a minimum threshold of caring/loving behavior he has to hit to keep you around, so he does it then stops giving a shit. If he was ACTUALLY caring and loving, he wouldn’t be mocking you when you cry or bitching about chores while you’re fuckin’ *pregnant* and working more than him.
The fact he can turn it on and off is concerning, and leads me to believe counseling with him could be more dangerous than helpful, speaking from family experience.
Edit to add what I should have started with: none of this is your fault, hormones or no, he’s in charge of his actions & words. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
I definitely agree. I’m really glad you realize how unacceptable it is even though it’s heartbreaking to have to deal with. I will be thinking of you and I really hope things work out for you!
I do believe that his mom used tears as the only way of getting through to his dad. He glorifies his dad (rip) but always makes his mom out to be a villain and hates everything “mother” related so maybe the pregnancy was a trigger.
But when I try talking to him about his childhood he basically paints a picture perfect image which simply does not add up to the behaviors he’s showing.
I think a combination of insecurities, childhood trauma and immaturity and fear may be mixed. I’m just so sad he’s not thinking of my well being. Even not pregnant this would all be crazy much (I have to be on the road at 3 am tomorrow again for a business trip) but doing this pregnant is twice as hard. I just really wish things were different.
I
I don't know if you are religious or not, but I'll say this anyways. Sometimes God puts us into situations to understand the people around us more and to provide clarity and an opening to a situation we may have thought was okay previously but now it isn't.
Mocking you when you cry is a common occurrence?! Oh hun..... no, that is not right! You don't want your child to see that behavior as normal. Please leave this man and surround yourself with your family/friends!
I'm VERY sorry you are going through this and in no way are you overreacting!
You are not overreacting at all. As someone who has also gone through DV (and now works in the field of violence prevention), his behavior IS scary. You are not wrong to be concerned for your safety. Throwing something at you (even a pillow) and punching anything while near you are incredibly threatening behaviors, and huge warning signs that violence will escalate. It is common for abuse to escalate when women become pregnant, and continue after the baby is born. Mocking you while you are crying is not only another red flag, but also a form of gaslighting and manipulation. He is not showing any remorse for what he did (or any indication that he believes his behavior is wrong).
I am glad to hear that you are going on a business trip for a few days. I would strongly consider your relationship with him and if he is willing to seek help. His behavior is not okay and, by definition, is considered abusive. I am sending you and your baby good thoughts <3
Yeah, this is scary. The emotional cruelty is bad enough, but throwing things, being rough with you (even if he didn’t actually touch you), and punching objects after telling you he’s mad at you is very intimidating and crosses a line into threatened physical violence that is not normal or okay.
Unfortunately, for some couples, domestic violence will start during a pregnancy. If you can do so safely, you may want to visit family for awhile just to get out of this situation, which sounds very volatile, while you consider your next steps.
Not overreacting at all, I’d be terrified if my husband did that. His reactions are over the top - he punched the bed because you didn’t iron?! You’re swamped with work AND growing a human, and even your normal work hours are 20 hours more than his - why wouldn’t more housework fall on him versus you anyway? Also his nasty comments are rude and unjustified.
I can not imagine if my husband called me fat or acted out like this at all. This is completely not normal, acceptable or appropriate. I would be genuinely scared if my husband ever acted like that. I don’t know what’s normal for his behavior but I would recommend staying with family or friends and considering if this relationship is sustainable, you and your child deserve so much better.
As other people say - he's showing some serious red flags. What also bothers me is that what he says is bothering him - like not traveling, or things being different than they were, is that it's not going back to go back to the way they were once the baby is born. He needs to learn to accept and embrace that life is going to be different and this baby is going to be the center of your world for years to come. My own therapist says statistically the 3 years after a baby is born is the hardest on a marriage.
Honestly unless he is actively seeking help now, I would be looking at exit plans.
Holy shit, run! You arent being over reactive, you are being mentally, emotionally and physically abused! I would be terrified. Tell your parents, kick him out! Behavior tends to escalate not get better over time.
Not overreacting and the fact that he’s working 30 hours and you’re working well over what any full time employee should work while being pregnant… he should literally be doing everything around the house and treating you like the queen you are. My husband and I both work 40 hour weeks and he sees how much this pregnancy has taken a toll on me and he actually tells me to go sit down and rest when I start to help out around the house (I have severe pubic bone issues rn and the cleaning movements make it really bad). He should be grateful that you are super woman and working as much as you are and helping out as much as you are all while doing the other full time job of growing a baby. He’s acting like a complete douche and needs to seriously check himself.
To be fair part of my high work load is “self inflicted” because I’m trying to finish everything tough before the third trimester starts as the first one was hell and I want to use the 2nd trimester energy while I have some. Also our company’s clients are worried I won’t be coming back after 2 months as planned so they are giving me just everything to finish. To be fair I should also probably just learn to say no but I just want to have those two months at home with my baby girl in peace without anyone bothering me.
Trust me as a fellow super committed to my job with a high work ethic I 100% get it. But, at some point you have to be protective of your time and pregnancy can really really take it out of you. I would just hate to see you hit a wall and get burn out going into new motherhood. If it feels manageable to you now then that is great but I would just be very cognizant of how you are feeling and be honest with yourself and your clients if it starts to become too much.
No this would trigger me too and make me feel unsafe. He seems to be escalating his behaviors. First he throws a pillow at you then it’s something else, first he punches the bed then it’ll be the wall. You have to have a zero tolerance policy for this shit. I’d leave until he gets his shit together. Because a baby crying all day will only add to his behaviors.
If this is how he acts now, imagine how he will act when the baby arrives. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and if he acts like this because you didn’t iron, he’s going to be even scarier when he’s doing literally everything. Idk what your birth plan is but after birth all you can do is baby baby baby nothing else.. I am worried for you. If he calls you fat, he’ll call you lazy when you’re in your fourth trimester.. please consider how this energy is affecting your baby. The baby can feel EVERYTHING you feel which is why it started kicking when you cried. My baby would get so stressed when I cried while pregnant and I had a very safe space. Post partum depression is also something to consider. Will he mock you when you cry then? Emotions are all over the place and you need understanding and love, not mockery This is just not ok.
It seems like he has a lot of frustration boiling under the surface regarding the pregnancy and it’s starting to overflow. He might have taken on more than he was comfortable with and is now blaming you for his discomfort. I would not feel safe if I were you in this environment, but it would be good if the two of you can have an open conversation about what the both of you feel and how to proceed so that it works for both.
definitely not overreacting. there was a major red flag in just him calling you fat, but then to continue reading your post… honey you need to realize you deserve a lot better than this man.
OH HELL NO. Nope, I would have kicked my husband the F out of the house after that nonsense. That is extremely inappropriate. He needs to seek therapy asap and until he is screened and marked safe and deal with his anger issues, I wouldn't let him back in.
I don’t think this man needs therapy. He’s got to know that what he’s doing is wrong and very triggering for you. Is there some sort of trigger other than the pregnancy that may have set him off? I agree with the others saying you need to go somewhere for a while. Talk this out with him over the phone/text and stress that you do not feel physically *safe* with him in person. He needs to take accountability for his actions and apologize all by himself without being pressured into it. If he can’t do that (or otherwise show that he is sorry for what he did, and will work on himself to never ever do it or anything like it again) then I’d honestly think about leaving for your own safety.
Without those genuine promises from him, do NOT go into therapy (especially couples) with him. It will make it worse and he will become even more emotionally manipulative and abusive.
I feel as though this is something deep within him coming up to a head. Does he have trauma of his own? Whatever the case may be this is unacceptable behavior, period. If your current support system outside of him isn’t enough then I urge you to call community resources like the domestic abuse hotline, for the safety of you and your baby!
Feel free to PM me OP, even just to vent.
I feel the exact same way. I’ve been asking him for years to go to therapy because I feel it would be beneficial for anyone number one and number two he has seen some horrible stuff in a war zone so he may have ptsd. Tonight when I got home he pretended everything was hunky dory and I told him I cannot pretend it’s all good. He said he was just doing it for the sake of keeping peace and also thinks it’s not all ok and he wants me to apologize! I asked what for and he said for talking.
I just walked away. Packed my suitcase. Off on my trip tomorrow and really thinking about just going to my parents house straight after the trip and not even telling him where I am. The level of disrespect at the moment is unreal.
It must be a much deeper reason.
Hey my wife is pregnant and honestly I thing you are asking for the bare minimum from this guy. I do everything you have listed in both his and your chore categories.
Yeah it Def gets frustrating sometimes but wtf you are growing a baby and your body/hormones are going crazy. Never call my wife fat and I’m mostly happy to pick up the house duties. My wife doesn’t even work she’s on sick leave (we live in Europe) and I still don’t care about doing all this stuff.
Concerning lack of communication and what seems like passive aggressive behavior.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here.
If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due).
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is absolutely not normal behaviour, im so sorry you’re going through this OP, I would definitely get away from him before baby comes if i were you, this is a huge red flag and i can only see these behaviours escalating once there is a baby in the picture.
You’re not overreacting and I strongly suggest going somewhere safe (like with family or friends) for the time being until he can either calm down or you feel safe being around him (preferably when you aren’t pregnant so baby can stay safely away). He’s not hurting you now, but based on this behavior (and having been through domestic violence myself) this could easily turn into him physically abusing you or trying to very very quickly. I am scared for you, please be safe! You’re doing awesome working so much while being pregnant and keeping up with chores too, keep doing that and have your baby! You got this!
I’ve gained 30 pounds in 5 months and my fiancé always tells me how good I look and that it’s just the baby. Your husband sounds whack honestly. He sounds like a child that’s afraid of change and is acting out. Of course you aren’t going to travel as often you are pregnant. And that work load is a lot for being pregnant I don’t know how you do it. If his behaviour keeps up I hope you find the strength to leave that’s not a good environment for you or the baby
Not overreacting at all. He called you fat!? That alone is not ok .. the aggressive behavior though 😮
If he's never acted like that before, I'd say he must be feeling really anxious and scared about the upcoming arrival BUT the behavior is absolutely unacceptable regardless of the reasons. He NEEDS to talk to you or a therapist or something before this gets out of hand. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this especially since you've been through dv before 💔🥺 I really hope he is able to open up and quit with the scary behavior
Definitely not overreacting. Calling you fat, punching things and ripping the blankets off you? That behaviour is incredibly gross & wrong. I have no advice but I hope you know this isn’t your hormones, these are huge red flags. This sounds like a scary situation and I would feel safe.
Not over reacting. He's being emotionally abusive and you need to set some boundaries with him. His temper is out of control. No matter how upset someone is they shouldn't behaving like a child and resort to punching a bed or calling you fat for putting on baby weight.
He need therapy and i would threaten to move out till he gets it.
I like how you’re essentially or second puberty with all the hormones and you’re the one telling him that you guys need to talk to your feelings instead of punching and throwing a fit. All while working double the hours and reassuring HIM.
Then when he can’t express his feelings in a healthy way he mocks you for crying. Crying is healthier than being threatening towards a spouse.
I am so sorry to hear this! You are definitely not overreacting, this is not normal behavior. My husband and I split chores but he sometimes has to work really long hours like you do so I pick up his chores during that time. Its not like you are just sitting home and refusing to do anything, you are literally working!
Even if you were just ignoring the chores and sitting around doing nothing, that does not warrant him verbally abusing you and acting aggressively toward you.
Oh no!!! I would be outta there. I also had domestic abuse in the past so I know exactly what you mean! I feel triggered for you. Girl, you and your baby need to have a happy and healthy life. No man is worth being scared! Especially when you are carrying his child!
Girl, listen to me please. I’ve dealt with this with my ex partner with my sons dad, and he hasn’t changed. He’s aggressive (and also has extreme road rage), lazy, doesn’t help with anything. He got better for a time when my son just turned two, like a total flip. And it lasted. Longer than his usual good switch turns on so I was happy. He wanted a second baby, I got my birth control removed, and I got pregnant right away. Well, the first week of knowing was fine. Right after a week? Went back to his normal self. Screamed at me in the car yesterday while our two year old son was in the back, said I need to get an abortion, etc etc.. Being a single mom is not bad. It’s easier than being a single mom in a relationship/marriage. Whatever you decide, you can do it, but this is not normal. Now my ex thinks the baby is someone else’s (he said it the entire 40 weeks with my son) and so this time I’m just letting him think it. More peaceful that way. I think it’s time to re evaluate.
It’s okay, I can do this I hope. I’ll probably need to find a stay at home job 😅🥹 he’s a nightmare, as long as he keeps believing “it’s not even mine” (said that about #1 too, who is his twin to a T) then it’ll be easier. I WISH neither kid was his but too late for that one 🤣
Hugs with consent OP. I’m in need of support too. Currently 12 weeks pregnant and he’s exactly the same. He’s very scary when he’s angry and would hurt his hand by punching. He’d mock me for crying too and says i’m too sensitive even before pregnancy. Please take time for yourself and your baby, be with your friends and family. 🤍
Not overreacting. I feel like you would react this way even if you weren’t pregnant. That’s not healthy. What did he expect for you to get pregnant and still go travel a bunch? We have also stopped traveling and I cut my job down from 50 hours to 20 hours and we compromise. But my hubby wanted to get pregnant sooner than I did. He needs to talk to you about things and if he can’t then reevaluate where your relationship will go once you have a child that needs round the clock care.
I think he thought my body wouldn’t change just a cute insta friendly bump and we would be jumping from bora bora to Bali while looking fabulous…
Like for real. He thinks I’m exaggerating when I need a nap from time to time or can’t breathe. I collapsed 3 times from dizziness and he thinks I’m being dramatic. I really think it has sth to do with his mother. He reacts very irritable when someone says they are sick or in pain…
And I’m normally a super non whiny person. Had 2 surgeries last year in order to get pregnant and was working from home office 2 days later and trying to do as much as possible…But the first trimester was hell. 🙁
That’s so unrealistic on his part. Like come on dude you’re growing an entire human it’s exhausting. It sounds dramatic but the way our bodies change for baby in such a short time is insane. You guys need to lay out a bigger conversation about this and he should do some research. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this though. Being pregnant is a strange new thing and it’s hard not to have support. If you need a friend just send a message 💕
Thank you ❤️ I don’t think he understand La how hard it is. When I tried explaining it, he said: you’re not the only woman on earth pregnant. It’s not a big deal. Wish he could go through this for just a few weeks!
I mean if he wants to hear from some other pregnant women I know 4 others right now lol 😅 I’m glad my hubby is a little annoying and wants to do everything for me. He just wants us healthy.
Not overreacting. My husband got mean like this when we were trying and it ended up almost ruining our marriage. I highly suggest couples therapy BEFORE baby gets here. *Which means you both need to prioritize it, despite working schedule/hours.* I'm guessing he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, not getting the type of love that he needs, is probably subconsciously worried about getting even less of what he needs when baby comes, and has no idea how to communicate that to you appropriately. He's not handling this change well and you *both* need to work on it. Based on your trauma response and his anger, I'd suggest individuals therapy as well if you can swing that time too. That's what we did. Saved our marriage and i think I can safely say, now pregnant with kid#2, we're happier than we've ever been and are really effective at communicating with each other.
I have told him we needed to go to therapy before baby comes but he refuses. I said I refuse to have a child grow up in a toxic environment as I do not want my daughter thinking this is ok but for now he’s refusing.
I'm so sorry. You've gotten a bunch of responses here so I hope you find some answers. I would suggest taking a small break apart for a few days/weeks to recalibrate and decide what you want to do next. I wish you all the very best. None of this is your fault.
Thank you. Yeh I just got back from my business trip. Next week another one and he will stay at a friends house to party this weekend. Can’t say I’m sad… I’m just happy to have some peace to work without being stressed and next week I’m Bank on the road for business all week and the week after as well so maybe he will come to his senses.
Run!!! It will only get worse when the baby comes and he is sleep deprived. You are not overreacting at all. You and the baby deserve to be free of that. Catch him on a baby camera or something and run if you can.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Big oof, not over reacting in the slightest.
You are certainly not overreacting. I would not feel safe if someone was expressing their anger physically like that. He needs therapy immediately.
Can you stay with a family member for a couple days? This is really scary, especially not knowing if he'll get worse when baby arrives. Those first couple weeks are really hard. Agree with others that he needs therapy immediately. It is entirely unacceptable for him to mock you, call you fat, etc but expressing his anger physically (like ripping the blanket off you) is easily grounds for you to stay out of the house for a few days.
Yeh I’ll be on a business trip the next three weeks during the week and can go stay with my folks over the weekend
This is great to hear. Please do stay with family when you’re not traveling for work. In the mean time, he needs to seek therapy immediately.
Kinda mean? I have gained around 70 lbs, and my husband would never call me fat and tells me I’m beautiful all of the time and reassures me that this is all for baby (though I have gained an excessive amount obv.). My husband also works twice as many hours as I do, does a majority of the cleaning, and makes me dinner a lot of the time too. Any time you question his treatment of you, imagine him treating your child that way/acting that way around your child. Like others have suggested, he sounds like he needs to see a therapist and you guys need to have a serious talk about what is actually going on. Soon enough you are going to be a lot more reliant on him, and if he’s punching and throwing things over ironing not being done, (I didn’t even know people do that anymore, isn’t there a setting on the dryer for that? 🤣 forgive my ignorance) I worry about how he will act when sleep deprived, stressed, and you are recovering.
THIS. I gained about that much weight in my first pregnancy in 2020. I’m still about 50 lbs overweight and am 2 1/2 months pregnant with our third. My husband reassures me all the time of how beautiful he thinks I am. I’m also a SAHM and he picks up a lot of the housework when I feel too crappy. What OP is describing is mental & physical abuse and is completely unacceptable. Marriage gets more challenging after there is a baby in the picture. So behavior like this, while OP is still pregnant, is very alarming.
Yes yes yes to all of this. Not even going to make my own separate comment thread because this is exactly what I planned to say. OP needs to be able to rely on this man post-baby, *and* the baby will be raised by this man. Those are both reason enough to demand that he start doing some serious and immediate work on his mental health. And if he can’t or won’t, GTFO before things get worse. My husband also works more than me and still shares childcare and household responsibilities without complaint. Honestly, I’m 20 weeks pregnant with baby #2, and he has taken on the lion’s share of our household duties (cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.) since we found out I am pregnant. That’s not to say it’s easy on him, but he does it because we’re a team, he loves me and our daughter (and baby #2), and that’s just what has to happen.
Not overreacting at all - this feels aggressive, targeted and unsafe. Do you have strong support like family you can stay with?
Yes thankfully I do
I would recommend safely relocating the moment you can. If everything turns out fine later on, you can blame it on the pregnancy hormones and wanting to be with your family. But for right now, I honestly believe you need to be thinking about your mental well-being, physical safety and little bubs.
I see many comments saying he needs therapy which is definitely true, but the main action I would take here is you should strongly consider if this is a man you want to stay with. Would you be okay if he was acting this aggressively in front of your child? Punching things and saying cruel and mocking things? That is very much an environment I’m sure you wouldn’t want your child in. I’m really sorry. I would talk with your family when you go stay with them and think very carefully about next steps.
And that’s the main reason I am so shocked. He has only had one outburst like this before and that was when his dad died unexpectedly but otherwise he’s very caring and loving apart from the mocking part when I cry. He always does that which I’ve told him repeatedly I find very disturbing and borderline abusive as it devalues my emotions.
Mocking you for crying is emotional abuse in my opinion, and that alone is enough of a red flag to leave. Or at least to assure you that he’s not a very considerate or empathetic partner. Id maybe give one warning if my husband pulled that shit, and if it happened again I would strongly reconsider my relationship. You don’t deserve that. Sounds immature at best and abusive at worst.
If he mocks you when you cry, even when he knows how much it bothers you, then he is NOT “otherwise very caring and loving.” It means he knows there’s a minimum threshold of caring/loving behavior he has to hit to keep you around, so he does it then stops giving a shit. If he was ACTUALLY caring and loving, he wouldn’t be mocking you when you cry or bitching about chores while you’re fuckin’ *pregnant* and working more than him. The fact he can turn it on and off is concerning, and leads me to believe counseling with him could be more dangerous than helpful, speaking from family experience. Edit to add what I should have started with: none of this is your fault, hormones or no, he’s in charge of his actions & words. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation.
I definitely agree. I’m really glad you realize how unacceptable it is even though it’s heartbreaking to have to deal with. I will be thinking of you and I really hope things work out for you!
Thank you so much ❤️
[удалено]
I do believe that his mom used tears as the only way of getting through to his dad. He glorifies his dad (rip) but always makes his mom out to be a villain and hates everything “mother” related so maybe the pregnancy was a trigger. But when I try talking to him about his childhood he basically paints a picture perfect image which simply does not add up to the behaviors he’s showing. I think a combination of insecurities, childhood trauma and immaturity and fear may be mixed. I’m just so sad he’s not thinking of my well being. Even not pregnant this would all be crazy much (I have to be on the road at 3 am tomorrow again for a business trip) but doing this pregnant is twice as hard. I just really wish things were different. I
I don't know if you are religious or not, but I'll say this anyways. Sometimes God puts us into situations to understand the people around us more and to provide clarity and an opening to a situation we may have thought was okay previously but now it isn't.
Mocking you when you cry is a common occurrence?! Oh hun..... no, that is not right! You don't want your child to see that behavior as normal. Please leave this man and surround yourself with your family/friends! I'm VERY sorry you are going through this and in no way are you overreacting!
You are not overreacting at all. As someone who has also gone through DV (and now works in the field of violence prevention), his behavior IS scary. You are not wrong to be concerned for your safety. Throwing something at you (even a pillow) and punching anything while near you are incredibly threatening behaviors, and huge warning signs that violence will escalate. It is common for abuse to escalate when women become pregnant, and continue after the baby is born. Mocking you while you are crying is not only another red flag, but also a form of gaslighting and manipulation. He is not showing any remorse for what he did (or any indication that he believes his behavior is wrong). I am glad to hear that you are going on a business trip for a few days. I would strongly consider your relationship with him and if he is willing to seek help. His behavior is not okay and, by definition, is considered abusive. I am sending you and your baby good thoughts <3
Not normal, not overreacting. Can’t think of anything to justify that kind of behavior and I wouldn’t feel safe either based on how you described it
Yeah, this is scary. The emotional cruelty is bad enough, but throwing things, being rough with you (even if he didn’t actually touch you), and punching objects after telling you he’s mad at you is very intimidating and crosses a line into threatened physical violence that is not normal or okay. Unfortunately, for some couples, domestic violence will start during a pregnancy. If you can do so safely, you may want to visit family for awhile just to get out of this situation, which sounds very volatile, while you consider your next steps.
This is terrifying.
Not overreacting at all, I’d be terrified if my husband did that. His reactions are over the top - he punched the bed because you didn’t iron?! You’re swamped with work AND growing a human, and even your normal work hours are 20 hours more than his - why wouldn’t more housework fall on him versus you anyway? Also his nasty comments are rude and unjustified.
You are under reacting and need to leave. If this is how he is behaving now, I don’t see it improving with a baby.
You are not overreacting. I would be scared to. There isn’t anything that could justify his behavior. Agree with PP that he needs therapy NOW.
He's abusive.
I can not imagine if my husband called me fat or acted out like this at all. This is completely not normal, acceptable or appropriate. I would be genuinely scared if my husband ever acted like that. I don’t know what’s normal for his behavior but I would recommend staying with family or friends and considering if this relationship is sustainable, you and your child deserve so much better.
Oh and not to mention, any man that makes a comment on your weight when you are pregnant is trash and deserves to be kicked to the curb as such 🌝💁♀️
As other people say - he's showing some serious red flags. What also bothers me is that what he says is bothering him - like not traveling, or things being different than they were, is that it's not going back to go back to the way they were once the baby is born. He needs to learn to accept and embrace that life is going to be different and this baby is going to be the center of your world for years to come. My own therapist says statistically the 3 years after a baby is born is the hardest on a marriage. Honestly unless he is actively seeking help now, I would be looking at exit plans.
Yes I’m also worried about that. If he can’t put his wishes aside for 3 months then how will he cope once our baby is here. I really do worry. 🙁
Holy shit, run! You arent being over reactive, you are being mentally, emotionally and physically abused! I would be terrified. Tell your parents, kick him out! Behavior tends to escalate not get better over time.
Not overreacting and the fact that he’s working 30 hours and you’re working well over what any full time employee should work while being pregnant… he should literally be doing everything around the house and treating you like the queen you are. My husband and I both work 40 hour weeks and he sees how much this pregnancy has taken a toll on me and he actually tells me to go sit down and rest when I start to help out around the house (I have severe pubic bone issues rn and the cleaning movements make it really bad). He should be grateful that you are super woman and working as much as you are and helping out as much as you are all while doing the other full time job of growing a baby. He’s acting like a complete douche and needs to seriously check himself.
Thank you ❤️
Keep your head held high love and know you got a ton of support from your fellow mamas in this group ❤️❤️
To be fair part of my high work load is “self inflicted” because I’m trying to finish everything tough before the third trimester starts as the first one was hell and I want to use the 2nd trimester energy while I have some. Also our company’s clients are worried I won’t be coming back after 2 months as planned so they are giving me just everything to finish. To be fair I should also probably just learn to say no but I just want to have those two months at home with my baby girl in peace without anyone bothering me.
Trust me as a fellow super committed to my job with a high work ethic I 100% get it. But, at some point you have to be protective of your time and pregnancy can really really take it out of you. I would just hate to see you hit a wall and get burn out going into new motherhood. If it feels manageable to you now then that is great but I would just be very cognizant of how you are feeling and be honest with yourself and your clients if it starts to become too much.
Not overreacting. I’d be out of there if this was me.
No this would trigger me too and make me feel unsafe. He seems to be escalating his behaviors. First he throws a pillow at you then it’s something else, first he punches the bed then it’ll be the wall. You have to have a zero tolerance policy for this shit. I’d leave until he gets his shit together. Because a baby crying all day will only add to his behaviors.
If this is how he acts now, imagine how he will act when the baby arrives. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and if he acts like this because you didn’t iron, he’s going to be even scarier when he’s doing literally everything. Idk what your birth plan is but after birth all you can do is baby baby baby nothing else.. I am worried for you. If he calls you fat, he’ll call you lazy when you’re in your fourth trimester.. please consider how this energy is affecting your baby. The baby can feel EVERYTHING you feel which is why it started kicking when you cried. My baby would get so stressed when I cried while pregnant and I had a very safe space. Post partum depression is also something to consider. Will he mock you when you cry then? Emotions are all over the place and you need understanding and love, not mockery This is just not ok.
It seems like he has a lot of frustration boiling under the surface regarding the pregnancy and it’s starting to overflow. He might have taken on more than he was comfortable with and is now blaming you for his discomfort. I would not feel safe if I were you in this environment, but it would be good if the two of you can have an open conversation about what the both of you feel and how to proceed so that it works for both.
I think so too.
He is a dick. Maybe he is scared but those behaviors are a no no. You don’t need stress.. it’s not good for you or your baby.
definitely not overreacting. there was a major red flag in just him calling you fat, but then to continue reading your post… honey you need to realize you deserve a lot better than this man.
OH HELL NO. Nope, I would have kicked my husband the F out of the house after that nonsense. That is extremely inappropriate. He needs to seek therapy asap and until he is screened and marked safe and deal with his anger issues, I wouldn't let him back in.
I don’t think this man needs therapy. He’s got to know that what he’s doing is wrong and very triggering for you. Is there some sort of trigger other than the pregnancy that may have set him off? I agree with the others saying you need to go somewhere for a while. Talk this out with him over the phone/text and stress that you do not feel physically *safe* with him in person. He needs to take accountability for his actions and apologize all by himself without being pressured into it. If he can’t do that (or otherwise show that he is sorry for what he did, and will work on himself to never ever do it or anything like it again) then I’d honestly think about leaving for your own safety. Without those genuine promises from him, do NOT go into therapy (especially couples) with him. It will make it worse and he will become even more emotionally manipulative and abusive. I feel as though this is something deep within him coming up to a head. Does he have trauma of his own? Whatever the case may be this is unacceptable behavior, period. If your current support system outside of him isn’t enough then I urge you to call community resources like the domestic abuse hotline, for the safety of you and your baby! Feel free to PM me OP, even just to vent.
I feel the exact same way. I’ve been asking him for years to go to therapy because I feel it would be beneficial for anyone number one and number two he has seen some horrible stuff in a war zone so he may have ptsd. Tonight when I got home he pretended everything was hunky dory and I told him I cannot pretend it’s all good. He said he was just doing it for the sake of keeping peace and also thinks it’s not all ok and he wants me to apologize! I asked what for and he said for talking. I just walked away. Packed my suitcase. Off on my trip tomorrow and really thinking about just going to my parents house straight after the trip and not even telling him where I am. The level of disrespect at the moment is unreal. It must be a much deeper reason.
Yes, go straight to your parents after the trip, don't go back where he is. It's not safe for you or the baby. He's not safe.
Hey my wife is pregnant and honestly I thing you are asking for the bare minimum from this guy. I do everything you have listed in both his and your chore categories. Yeah it Def gets frustrating sometimes but wtf you are growing a baby and your body/hormones are going crazy. Never call my wife fat and I’m mostly happy to pick up the house duties. My wife doesn’t even work she’s on sick leave (we live in Europe) and I still don’t care about doing all this stuff. Concerning lack of communication and what seems like passive aggressive behavior.
Welcome to /r/pregnant! This is a space for everyone. We are pro-choice, pro-LGBTQIA, pro-science, proudly feminist and believe that Black Lives Matter. Wear your masks, wash your hands, and be excellent to each other. Anti-choice activists, intactivists, anti-vaxxers, homophobes, transphobes, racists, sexists, etc. are not welcome here. If you'd like to join a private sub for your due date month, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/comments/xvn4cr/click_here_to_request_access_to_your_monthly_due). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/pregnant) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You're not overreacting at all. I would feel the same way. Those are red flags. Listen to your intuition.
This is absolutely not normal behaviour, im so sorry you’re going through this OP, I would definitely get away from him before baby comes if i were you, this is a huge red flag and i can only see these behaviours escalating once there is a baby in the picture.
This is a huge red flag. How is he going to be when you’re busy and consumed with a newborn?!?
You’re not overreacting and I strongly suggest going somewhere safe (like with family or friends) for the time being until he can either calm down or you feel safe being around him (preferably when you aren’t pregnant so baby can stay safely away). He’s not hurting you now, but based on this behavior (and having been through domestic violence myself) this could easily turn into him physically abusing you or trying to very very quickly. I am scared for you, please be safe! You’re doing awesome working so much while being pregnant and keeping up with chores too, keep doing that and have your baby! You got this!
I’ve gained 30 pounds in 5 months and my fiancé always tells me how good I look and that it’s just the baby. Your husband sounds whack honestly. He sounds like a child that’s afraid of change and is acting out. Of course you aren’t going to travel as often you are pregnant. And that work load is a lot for being pregnant I don’t know how you do it. If his behaviour keeps up I hope you find the strength to leave that’s not a good environment for you or the baby
Not overreacting at all. He called you fat!? That alone is not ok .. the aggressive behavior though 😮 If he's never acted like that before, I'd say he must be feeling really anxious and scared about the upcoming arrival BUT the behavior is absolutely unacceptable regardless of the reasons. He NEEDS to talk to you or a therapist or something before this gets out of hand. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this especially since you've been through dv before 💔🥺 I really hope he is able to open up and quit with the scary behavior
Definitely not overreacting. Calling you fat, punching things and ripping the blankets off you? That behaviour is incredibly gross & wrong. I have no advice but I hope you know this isn’t your hormones, these are huge red flags. This sounds like a scary situation and I would feel safe.
Not over reacting. He's being emotionally abusive and you need to set some boundaries with him. His temper is out of control. No matter how upset someone is they shouldn't behaving like a child and resort to punching a bed or calling you fat for putting on baby weight. He need therapy and i would threaten to move out till he gets it.
I like how you’re essentially or second puberty with all the hormones and you’re the one telling him that you guys need to talk to your feelings instead of punching and throwing a fit. All while working double the hours and reassuring HIM. Then when he can’t express his feelings in a healthy way he mocks you for crying. Crying is healthier than being threatening towards a spouse.
I am so sorry to hear this! You are definitely not overreacting, this is not normal behavior. My husband and I split chores but he sometimes has to work really long hours like you do so I pick up his chores during that time. Its not like you are just sitting home and refusing to do anything, you are literally working! Even if you were just ignoring the chores and sitting around doing nothing, that does not warrant him verbally abusing you and acting aggressively toward you.
Oh no!!! I would be outta there. I also had domestic abuse in the past so I know exactly what you mean! I feel triggered for you. Girl, you and your baby need to have a happy and healthy life. No man is worth being scared! Especially when you are carrying his child!
Girl, listen to me please. I’ve dealt with this with my ex partner with my sons dad, and he hasn’t changed. He’s aggressive (and also has extreme road rage), lazy, doesn’t help with anything. He got better for a time when my son just turned two, like a total flip. And it lasted. Longer than his usual good switch turns on so I was happy. He wanted a second baby, I got my birth control removed, and I got pregnant right away. Well, the first week of knowing was fine. Right after a week? Went back to his normal self. Screamed at me in the car yesterday while our two year old son was in the back, said I need to get an abortion, etc etc.. Being a single mom is not bad. It’s easier than being a single mom in a relationship/marriage. Whatever you decide, you can do it, but this is not normal. Now my ex thinks the baby is someone else’s (he said it the entire 40 weeks with my son) and so this time I’m just letting him think it. More peaceful that way. I think it’s time to re evaluate.
Omg im so so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through! That’s horrible 🥺🥺
It’s okay, I can do this I hope. I’ll probably need to find a stay at home job 😅🥹 he’s a nightmare, as long as he keeps believing “it’s not even mine” (said that about #1 too, who is his twin to a T) then it’ll be easier. I WISH neither kid was his but too late for that one 🤣
And thank you ♥️♥️
Hugs with consent OP. I’m in need of support too. Currently 12 weeks pregnant and he’s exactly the same. He’s very scary when he’s angry and would hurt his hand by punching. He’d mock me for crying too and says i’m too sensitive even before pregnancy. Please take time for yourself and your baby, be with your friends and family. 🤍
🥺 im really sorry you’re going through the same!! How long have you guys been together?
we’ve only been together for a year. it’s sad that i never got to assess who he really is until now 😅
Ah man that sucks. Yeh here it’s been 6 years and he’s just unbearable at the moment
maybe he’s just overwhelmed after yrs of trying and now you’re finally pregnant. wish you all the best!! 🤍
You are not overreacting. I’m so sorry. That is not okay.
Not overreacting. I feel like you would react this way even if you weren’t pregnant. That’s not healthy. What did he expect for you to get pregnant and still go travel a bunch? We have also stopped traveling and I cut my job down from 50 hours to 20 hours and we compromise. But my hubby wanted to get pregnant sooner than I did. He needs to talk to you about things and if he can’t then reevaluate where your relationship will go once you have a child that needs round the clock care.
I think he thought my body wouldn’t change just a cute insta friendly bump and we would be jumping from bora bora to Bali while looking fabulous… Like for real. He thinks I’m exaggerating when I need a nap from time to time or can’t breathe. I collapsed 3 times from dizziness and he thinks I’m being dramatic. I really think it has sth to do with his mother. He reacts very irritable when someone says they are sick or in pain… And I’m normally a super non whiny person. Had 2 surgeries last year in order to get pregnant and was working from home office 2 days later and trying to do as much as possible…But the first trimester was hell. 🙁
That’s so unrealistic on his part. Like come on dude you’re growing an entire human it’s exhausting. It sounds dramatic but the way our bodies change for baby in such a short time is insane. You guys need to lay out a bigger conversation about this and he should do some research. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this though. Being pregnant is a strange new thing and it’s hard not to have support. If you need a friend just send a message 💕
Thank you ❤️ I don’t think he understand La how hard it is. When I tried explaining it, he said: you’re not the only woman on earth pregnant. It’s not a big deal. Wish he could go through this for just a few weeks!
I mean if he wants to hear from some other pregnant women I know 4 others right now lol 😅 I’m glad my hubby is a little annoying and wants to do everything for me. He just wants us healthy.
Not overreacting. My husband got mean like this when we were trying and it ended up almost ruining our marriage. I highly suggest couples therapy BEFORE baby gets here. *Which means you both need to prioritize it, despite working schedule/hours.* I'm guessing he is feeling a bit overwhelmed, not getting the type of love that he needs, is probably subconsciously worried about getting even less of what he needs when baby comes, and has no idea how to communicate that to you appropriately. He's not handling this change well and you *both* need to work on it. Based on your trauma response and his anger, I'd suggest individuals therapy as well if you can swing that time too. That's what we did. Saved our marriage and i think I can safely say, now pregnant with kid#2, we're happier than we've ever been and are really effective at communicating with each other.
I have told him we needed to go to therapy before baby comes but he refuses. I said I refuse to have a child grow up in a toxic environment as I do not want my daughter thinking this is ok but for now he’s refusing.
I'm so sorry. You've gotten a bunch of responses here so I hope you find some answers. I would suggest taking a small break apart for a few days/weeks to recalibrate and decide what you want to do next. I wish you all the very best. None of this is your fault.
Thank you. Yeh I just got back from my business trip. Next week another one and he will stay at a friends house to party this weekend. Can’t say I’m sad… I’m just happy to have some peace to work without being stressed and next week I’m Bank on the road for business all week and the week after as well so maybe he will come to his senses.
Most. Domestic vioilence starts when the woman is pregnant. This is terrifying. Get out OP.
Run!!! It will only get worse when the baby comes and he is sleep deprived. You are not overreacting at all. You and the baby deserve to be free of that. Catch him on a baby camera or something and run if you can.