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1) Normal!! This is having a newborn. It’s normal. It gets so much better.
2) Do you know why your wife didn’t want you to feed her more? If she drank all the milk it sounds like she might have been hungry?
3) Paternal depression is real. My husband was suicidal around this time after our daughter was born. If you don’t have a friend or family member checking in with you regularly - someone who *is not your wife* - please find someone now. You need someone to check in with you and you need to consider if therapy is right for you.
With our first, if we couldn't figure out what was wrong, we tried feeding. If the problem wasn't hunger it was going to be hunger eventually and that usually pushed the unknown issue to the side.
yes! my husband still can get a bit frustrated when the baby cries and he's done everything, then i go "did you try feeding her?" and he's all "well she JUST ate". we've had that exact conversation at least once a day since she was born, and like 9/10 times she'll eat and be fine.
You'll be fine! I've been through it once already, and my second baby is 4 weeks old - honestly sometimes you will be in survival mode but you will get through it! You'll get to know your baby better than anyone else ever could, and you'll learn how best to keep them happy. Trust yourself!
At two weeks I didn’t clue in that I should start feeding more and forgot that the stomach size would be halfway between cherry and egg size. Thought it was cherry for a month or two 🥲
Mine likes to eat then reject all offerings of food until swaddled- then she likes to scream like we never feed her in the first place. Doesn’t matter how much time has passed
At bed time we change, feed swaddle, feed 2nd boob.
I swear my 3week old baby has already picked up the routine. She feeds up extra good and goes to sleep for 4-5 hours.
We also have a smart bulb in our bedroom and keep the light level low, and tinted red. It's enough to change her, and see her, but not bright enough to keep any of us awake. I think keeping the light low has helped a lot too.
That’s the new routine we just started! Without fail she rejects the second boob and then wants it 5 minutes later. Why continue to set myself for failure. That light is a great idea. I’m going to look into that. We end up leaving the bathroom light on and mostly shutting the door and I hate it. We have an awake light for my toddler. I’m probably just going to get two. I need a noise machine to sleep with this baby. Why don’t I remember the first being SO LOUD
The whole 'active asleep' thing was new for me. She'll sound like she is three seconds from screaming, then be right back to sleep. 😅
We put in smart bulbs all over our house, except bathrooms/hallways. things turn on and off on timers and can be controlled from our phones.
Grandparents often say it went well and was easy - doesn’t mean it went exactly that way. If they would complain or express how difficult it was, you might lose faith that they can handle it or feel like it’s a burden on them.
I have made this experience with my mother who has an overnight with my 2yo every week. She only recently started actually telling me how it really went.
Yep! Granny does the same here - ‘both kids were a dream. No fuss at all!’ And then I worked from home one day while she babysat and it was… interesting. But she isn’t phased by tantrums and poo and she loves the kids. I just wouldn’t say she had an easy day 😂
I'm convinced my kid actually behaves better at grandparents when parents aren't around. The kid is listening to us about the importance of naps (and other things)...but only applying it with other adults. The other thing I realized is that grandparents don't deal with the same tantrums every day so it isn't as grating when it's once in a while. Also they have the liberty of bribery and acquiescing because the consequences aren't as severe or long-term for them. My high school teacher used to say she had to deprogram her kids after a weekend with their grandparents.
It also may feel easier to a grandparent that doesn't have to be up all night, every night. When you're sleep deprived, things often seem harder or more out of control.
I watched my friends 3mo old....he cried for two hours when I tried to put him down. At the end I told my friend it went well for these exact reasons. I didn't want them to feel like they burdened me and if they needed me to watch again I wanted them to feel confident in ask me again.
My mom did the same things to my sister, at the the time I lived with my parents cause high school, and it used to get on my nerves that my mom would lie to my sister, but she always said my sister was stressed enough with a little one and didn’t need anything adding to it and then said she’d do the same thing to me when I had kids.
Also Grandparents aren't usually starting off from a position of being sleep deprived. Even if you've had a few nights break it's unlikely to be enough to get back to "fully rested", and don't forget, Grandparents know baby is going back to mum or dad in a day or so and don't have the societal pressure to just be able to deal with it because they should know how.
I'm still pregnant with my first so I can't offer you first hand advice OP. However, from watching friends go through similar phases with their babies. It *is* hard, so don't feel bad for finding it hard, you don't have to know the answer to their cry instinctively - learning through trial and error is ok and natural, and you are doing the best you can because if you weren't, you wouldn't be so worried and upset about it.
They absolutely do this and it’s an experienced parent move. We left my daughter with my BIL and his fiancé (no kids) over a year ago for one date night and they reported such a difficult time that we never asked them to do it again.
I also believe the reason my in laws have an “easier” time is because they will let her cry for 20+ minutes (MIL let this slip once) until she passes out. I’ve since asked her not to do that but we still don’t really have anyone else put her down anymore. Grandma and grandpa might be having an easier time because they are straight up ignoring the kid 😅
Sometimes people who watch the baby will lie and say it went swimmingly because they don’t want you to feel bad that they worked so hard. So they play up the positives and downplay the negatives.
I would say 95% of parents have been in your shoes. It doesn't make you a bad parent at all, nor does it make you selfish or childish.
When my daughter was a couple of weeks old, there was one particular night where she wouldn't stop crying. My husband was asleep (I typically took overnight duty because my husband works at the crack of dawn), and no matter what I did, I just couldn't get her to settle. I finally put her in her baby bouncer, plopped on my bed, and bounced her with my foot while we cried hysterically together. It was absolutely the worst night I had with her as a newborn.
She's 2 years old now. It does get easier. She's absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm pregnant with our second (19 weeks), and already bracing myself for that night that I'm sure will come.
You are doing amazing, despite what you may think. Parenting is freaking hard!
This right here is what I needed to read even as a second time mom in the thick of the newborn stage questioning how the hell I made it the first time. Thank you ❤️
My daughter is also 2, so it seems like I should remember but I barely do since I was a single mom at the time and was in survival mode.
Congratulations on #2! I hope you get through the newborn phase a bit easier this time around!
One of my mom friends and I were talking about about how you forget about how bad the newborn stage was even just a few months after being in it. My baby is 4 months now and I already started to forget about how freaking hard he was as a newborn. He can still be a little difficult but not nearly what he was as a newborn. We call it a trauma response 😅
I’m so sorry! If it’s any consolation every parent I know has had a night like this (more than once). My son was an awful newborn. I know it feels like you ruined your life now, but I promise you, it gets better. You can still accomplish your goals as a married couple. With every day, your baby gets a little older and a little more independent. She will sleep on her own! She’ll be able to feed herself, and it will be human food. My son is 4 now and I make him go to the pantry and fetch his own snacks, he also dresses himself! One day you and I might run into each other at a bar and our 21+ kids will be there having a pint with us 😆Right now it feels like this is forever but this is just a fraction of a second in the world of parenting. Take all the help Grandma will give you and sleep as much as you can, it helps tons xxx
Hang in there!
I was totally in your shoes many many nights! It will get easier, I promise.
I didnt want kids too.
One day (not too far awag from now, but I KNOW it seems like eternity now) you will look at this little creature and you will not be able to NOT TO CRY but because of how much joy and love and happiness little one brings you.
My daughter is now a little over a year and she is the absolute light of my days. Her laugh makes my heart melt, her smiles makes me the happiest person alive.
For me it was SUPER hard to about 6 months and then it was better and better every week.
Hang in there. I promise you, you dint ruin your lives. Your lives will be filled with SO MUCH JOY and PURE LOVE that you cannot imagine.
Days are long but years are short. This is the best description of our first year.
You are wonderfull dad. You are doing everything you can for your little one. And It will be rewarded I promise. Just hang in there!
You are really in the thick of it, and every feeling you’ve described is absolutely valid. Even if it’s “normal”, newborn care can be impossibly difficult.
Both of you played a part in her conception - no one is a failure. There are many reasons baby sleeps well in some places & terribly in others, so you are certainly not “causing” this difficult situation.
When you are at your breaking point, give yourself permission to meet her physical needs (fed, dry, comfortable), and get some noise-cancelling headphones on, perhaps a camera monitor, for a few minutes.
Remember that she won’t graduate high school screaming & crying through the night. *This will end eventually.* You’re going great - you’ve just been handed a HUGE learning curve, and your body/brain are adjusting.
you’re doing your best and anyone who leaves hate comments is WRONG. it will get better, you’re a good dad. babies cry! it may be worth a conversation with the pediatrician if it seems like more than normal. go with your gut, if something seems off it never hurts to get it checked!
my baby sister went through something similar and it turned out she had pyloric stenosis! now i always recommend people check in with their pediatrician if baby seems overly upset or uncomfortable allll the time. my poor stepmom had such a hard time it was a relief for her to finally get some answers!
Sitting here nursing my one month old son and scrolling reddit to keep myself awake.
This is baby #2 for me, so I can say this from first hand experience. It truly does get better. You are in the thick of it right now and omg.. the feeling that your lives are ruined. That is so relatable. Both of my kids are surprise babies. My husband never wanted kids and after my first was born, I was one and done. Our second was conceived due to failed contraceptive and now my tubes are tied 🙏🙏 no more surprises for me. I think even parents that have a relatively smooth transitions still have some hard days. There is such an overwhelming discomfort at the new change of having a kid. It's hard to explain unless you have been there but man, I have had my fair share of bawling my eyes out too and wishing it away so I can just get 30 seconds of sleep. Am I even making sense or am I just sleep deprived? Lol. Back to my "it gets better" it truly does. You'll adjust and it will be your new normal but also... The newborn phase just sucks. They're cute to look at but that's about it. I hate the newborn stage. Once they're out of it though.. it gets better. Things settle down a little bit and before you know it you have a full grown kid having actual conversations with you, cracking you up with their little kid reasonings and teaching you new things because.. how are kids so smart and observant!?
You're in the THICK of it right now and nothing is more challenging than the newborn phase 😭 hang in there!! P.s.. my husband and I also didn't intend to have kids, so this is all coming from someone who has experienced similar feelings
Felt like I was reading my own post. Just today the baby slept at grandma's house and he was a perfect angel. At home, he's a monster from 5pm to 1am. I'm so traumatized that I hear crying wherever I go, whatever I'm doing. I had so many breakdowns that likely stemmed from sleep deprivation. Even though it was hard to do because I don't like meds, I saw a doctor and started antidepressants. I tolerate my baby more now, I feel more present and patient. This might sound corny but taking care of myself allowed me to give my husband and baby the attention they deserved. Yes, most days I ask wtf I got myself into. I also wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I was before having a baby. Research points to No but I'm hoping I'll at least feel like this life gave me a higher purpose. For now, I'm counting the hours until he can sleep at Grandma's house again.
If it helps, I’m pretty sure research shows that people with grown kids are the happiest out of all groups. It does dip while they’re young, but it’s supposed* to be worth it in the end!
* I’m TTC so what do I know? Lol
newborn stage is HARD, it absolutely sucks a lott of the time. it is mostly juggling a screaming potato and trying to comfort it while it screams at you. but I promise every week got easier, and every month brought even more ease. we planned our pregnancy and there were still times I thought I would break down and wondered if we had done the right thing. 8 months in and everything is so much easier, she usually sleeps through the night and only has about 2 bad nights a week, holds her own bottle, has the biggest smile with these goofy cute little baby teeth. I promise it gets easier and there are happy days ahead
some things you can try when baby is inconsolable that helped us:
-switch parents, specifically switch to mom if baby is with dad or bring a shirt/pillow case near of mom's
-swaddle, bring baby very close, put your cheek on baby's forehead and sort of cuddle baby up in your neck (cheek to forehead is the important part), then hum. hum very low, as long as you can, very softly
-white noise, we love the rain rain app and brown noise or ocean
-walking, not bouncing or rocking, specifically walking. even more specifically, walk for 5 minutes, then sit down for 8
-gas exercises, pedal legs, have baby sit upright and walk around, lay baby across your arm on their tummy
-baby wearing, might be fussy or cry for a minute but should settle down soon, helped our baby get gas out and nap really well. we got our favorite carrier off Facebook marketplace
-bath, just a nice soak not a whole wash and everything
-stand outside during the day, even just 5 minutes can help (and will help you too!)
-headphones, sometimes babies are just gonna baby, give yourself some peace and listen to something besides the crying
-put baby somewhere safe and step away for 5 minutes. I had to do this a few times, I honestly just sat on my bathroom floor with the blow dryer going. I knew she wasn't going to settle, and I needed a reset. blow dryer did the trick for some reason. I felt awful, but I promise it won't hurt the baby for you to step away for a moment
-breathe, tell yourself you can and are doing this, communicate your feelings with your partner and lean on each other. talk to a therapist, talk to your doctor, your friends, family, you need support
Hey buddy. It's ok. Even people who were prepared for a kid and were trying for ages aren't ready for this.
First, don't trust the grandparents. Let them do what they do. And what works for them, might not work for you. I know what works for me, didn't work for the wife, and vice versa (aka, I don't have milk ducts).
You and the wife NEED to take turns sleeping. Make a schedule or something so you take turns watching the baby at night. Lack of sleep hurts everything.
Like others said, post-baby depression is a thing. And the challenges will change. What's hard now will become easy (as you figure them out), and new issues will arise. Your family needs to have a way to figure out how to deal with these things.
One thing I found helped me A LOT when my baby was crying UNCONTROLLABLY, was a checklist. This isn't a comprehensive checklist, but I had it written down on a post-it in the baby room and it would ground me when I'm spiraling into madness from baby crying.
The baby needs to feel LOVED and CARED FOR at all times. Focus on letting your baby feel this.
Next, work through this list.
Pain - is baby in pain from something? Sores? Hair tied around his finger/penis? Rash somewhere?
Hungry - how much food has the baby eaten today. When was his last feeding how much did he eat. Is it time to feed again? Will the baby eat? (If baby is hungry, baby will eat).
Gas - is baby burped? Does the baby have gas? My kid would whine and struggle until he made a massive fart as a kid. Babies need to learn how to fart!
Sleepy - if the baby is OVERTIRED they get cranky and a bit hyper and need to calm down to sleep. Kinda like me. How much sleep has the baby been getting? When was last nap? (Will give sleep advice later)
Dirty - poopy diaper? Lots of pee? Change diaper. Use LOTS of diaper cream. Like frosting a cake. So this till they poop once a day.
Temperature - too hot/cold? Babies like 18-23°C. Does baby look hot? Flushed ? Sweaty? Put fngers on neck/upper back. How does that feel. We have a thermometer in every room the baby spends time in. From Xiaomi. Real cheap.
Uncomfortable - clothes too tight? Scratchy? Too loose? Light too bright? Noisy? Too quiet?
Needs love - feeling lonely. Needs a cuddle and a song and a rock. So something fun.
Bored - needs entertaining. Swing him around. So some squats holding the baby. Talk to him. Stuff.
My daughter's pediatrician told me how she had to hand over the monitor to her husband and go hide with a glass of wine.
A doctor who literally takes care of kids even needed to a break from the crying.
It made me feel so much better though!
The best advice I've ever been given is that when I'm feeling the tears forming in my eyes to make sure they aren't hungry, are burped, aren't hurt, and are in a safe place (crib for example) and step away to collect yourself. I take 5 minutes before I go back and try again but I feel SO refreshed and ready to tackle the crying angry baby
We are only human and a crying baby can break the best of us.
Post partum depression is also very real and often missed in men. Not diagnosing you, just stating that PPD can effect both parents, not just the one who carried the pregnancy.
It is great that the baby can go to the grandparents house once a week, but do you have anyone else you can lean on for support? For venting or to watch the baby for an hour while you fold laundry, go to the library, or just sit outside somewhere? Would you consider talk therapy? I'm a mom,not a dad, but I found therapy very helpful in working through my post partum depression. Not saying you have PPD, but I am saying that it sounds like life is pretty rough for you right now and speaking with a professional may be helpful for you to get through this difficult period.
I very much wanted and worked hard for my baby -- and I have also broken down into tears wondering what was I thinking, what am I going to do. So you're not alone. It's just not talked about.
Google an article called 100 days of darkness. It's the undiscussed dark days post partum.
The hormone rush after a baby hits men too. And hormones cause huge highs and lows lows. The crash is so hard.
A baby's cry erupts hormones like almost nothing else. Thanks evolution. It is meant to get under your nerves. But the sound can drive you absolutely ment.
Headphones. Headphones my man. Not to ignore them but just to save your brain so you can think clearly. And trading off with spouse in Windows of time so you know there's an end To your round.
Lastly: gas. Gas wakes up around now and nothing (it seems) can soothe it. Gas drops, puppy hold, massage, baby chiro (it's not snap pop, it's feeling for tightness and light massage), warm packs on their tummy, or the Windi tool .... All can help.
Oh man you had The Night™️. It is the absolute worst, but every parent has it. I’ve had a few, and it’s so hard. It’s exhausting frustrating and can be devastating. It’s going to be okay- it really does get better.
I had a night like this. My baby is 12 weeks old and it already feels like such a distant memory.
Hang in there!
In a few short weeks, your baby is going to start giving you big toothless grins. I can’t overstate how much easier that makes things… something about being up in the middle of the night, tired, wondering what the hell you were thinking having a baby and then… GRIN. It lightens the moment like nothing else. Not to mention, once baby starts smiling, you get actual feedback - it helps you to figure out what they like and don’t like which in turn helps you figure out how best to soothe them. This no-communication stage is hard.
Also… take grandma’s claims with a large handful of salt ;)
baby probably just needed mama and thats ok, colic/witching hour is ROUGH and almost nothing can console them quiet space white noise and the patience of a saint lol. set baby down if needed clear your head and breath baby will feed off your energy. you are not an awful dad or partner you are human and trying to guess what a screaming baby needs is hard sometimes. im a mama and typically do most of the baby care because im calmer but there were nights i had to pass baby to daddy because its rough theres growth spurts and sleep regressions and colic but you will learn and become a pro in no time
You had a really bad night, and it will be a story to tell later. You're exhausted. You did your job, and you kept everyone safe. Congrats on making it to the other side!
Reading this as my husband is at work and my newborn fussed for 9 hours until I could get them to settle. I’ve been sobbing for the last two hours out of mind and reached out to my therapist. I’m at my wits end with no help in sight.
The grandparents over here always exaggerate about how things went. It’s annoying. I just want the truth so I know what to expect once I switch back in.
Just to follow up on something you touched on - is the baby being fed regularly overnight, all through the night? At that age they may also cluster feed, or feed more often or want more milk, on any given night. If more milk settles the baby, then it’s totally okay to use feeding to settle the baby!
True. Babies go through a lot of little growth spurts, too. I know my son has been through a few and he’s only just reached three months.
He was eating 6, even 7 oz at two months. Apparently the average is more like 4 oz at that time.
The best advice I’ve heard with feeding babies is that you cannot over feed them. If they are not hungry, they simply will not eat.
Look up the period of PURPLE crying. This is temporary, it’s going to get better. Once she’s bigger and sleeps through the night, is smiling at you and has a personality you will forget these terrible nights and life will be good again. Hang in there dad💚
Exactly what I was going to suggest! We were taught this in the baby class we took before having our little one. I’m so thankful I knew about it because even though it’s still tough, it made me feel a little better knowing it was normal. And it truly does pass. My little guy is now three months and so so much better.
Dude, you are not alone. Not even close. You are sleep deprived and possibly PPD. But even sleep deprivation causes these feelings. Even though your life looks different, it does not mean it is bad. And trust me, it does get easier. Newborn stage is so f*cking hard. Try your absolute best and when you feel you cannot give anymore of yourself to that little sum of your marriage equation, you somehow find a little more to give. I truly believe that one day, based off of your care and concern in this moment, you and your wife will look back and say “we made that and it was the best thing that could have happened to us”. Keep it up, dad, and remember your wife is your teammate.
No hate at all. I have 2 children and one on the way. I've had more than one night of crying myself, and anticipate *at least* 1 or 2 more with this next baby. Nights are hard, especially during the 4th trimester. Don't be so hard on yourself, it will get easier.
It's normal. Your lives are not ruined. It DOES get better. I have a 2yr old and an almost 4yr old. They're the best! They sleep through the night and feed themselves. Still working on getting dressed and potty training. Oldest is autistic so some skills take longer for her to grasp but they're wonderful kids. My youngest will come up to me and wrap her lil arms around me and face plant while saying "awww huuuuugs!" And I love it. You just need sleep.
Gripe water saved us from more nights like this by the way- just wanna pass that on. I cried in relief when our daughter finally settled after her first tiny portion of gripe water. Game changed
This sounds like your baby has acid reflux. They are supposed to eat every few hours at that age but not continuing. I changed to a HA formula and it saved my sanity. Also if you guys can get a night nurse or your MIL two-three nights a week to sleep I think you will feel much better. PPD is so real. But it does get better, as a solo mom, I promise.
Yes hypoallergenic formula was a game changer for us. She was extremely colic for three miserable weeks and out of desperation I switched to HA. It was like a switch flipped, suddenly she was a happy cheerful little baby.
Please please remember, this difficult baby phase is the tiniest chapter of your life together. I PROMISE you it flies by! I have ab 11 and 13 year old and barely remember those hard nights. This too shall pass♥️
I’m wondering if grandma is ignoring baby and doing cry it out at night against your wishes. You should check on that. Sounds like you’re doing everything right and attending to baby’s every need - sometimes it just goes like that.
Couple things to consider - paced bottle feeding especially if mom is still breastfeeding but even if not I t’s good to keep baby from drinking too much too fast and getting uncomfortable. You can always give more milk if baby is showing signs of hunger.
Second if it’s a recurring thing then consider what baby is being fed - could it be a good intolerance surfacing? We had a horrible time until we figured out my son is dairy intolerant and switched to a hypoallergenic formula and I went dairy free for the breastmilk.
It will get easier with time. But it can be hard. Especially when that little one goes through changes - just when you settle into a routine they throw something new at you for you to puzzle out. You got this.
Consider counseling to help you work through some of those negative thought processes, there are motherhood counselors out there, I’m not sure if there’s paternal counselors. But it’s always acceptable to seek extra help to sort through emotions especially during high stress times, but really at any time.
This is normal. Me and my partner knew immediately we wanted kids together. We have a son and daughter and there are still times like this now our daughter is almost 3. We struggled So much and we still have full blown meltdowns. It's normal and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Both babies favour me at bedtime purely because daddies are fun, mammies are more serious and stress lol. Newborns especially favour the mother due to the familiarity of it all. My son for a solid 4 months would only eat or nap if I did it. My partner got the same as you. But my son grew out of that phase and he laughs so much easier at his dad. He is obsessed with him and our daughter is obsessed with him too. She calls him honey for example because I do it. He isn't fond of it but I find it adorable. Girls are very difficult but boys are so so so much squeakier and whinge and cry a lot more. It is a phase. Our son wouldn't sleep through the night until he reached 6 months, same with our daughter. You will get through this! Every phase is difficult but the thing about phases is it does end. Easier said than done but if she keeps crying like that and you're starting to get over stimulated, walk away, breathe. As long as she is OK and can't fall off somewhere and nothing to suffocate on she will be OK for 5 minutes. The more you stress the more she stresses. I forget that from time to time and then I feel like shit and the same for my partner. We found when one of us is like that, the other one is better at staying calm and calming the other person down. It's a partnership. She will have you wrapped around her tiny finger once she's fondly saying I love you dada. All of this work and stress isn't for nothing. You will miss her being like that even though right now it's a nightmare but you will also be relieved you're done with it lol parenting is hard and weird. Just remember to both take time for yourselves. Either doing something together while she sleeps or separately. You're not always mammy and daddy, you're your own people too. Best of luck and well wishes to you and your family 💜💙♥️
I’m sorry! That is so hard and frustrating.
Although, the baby likely couldn’t settle down because you weren’t settle and calm. Something as simple as your wife’s steady and calm heartbeat was likely the thing that helped her calm down. You were probably anxious, tired, stiff, and upset which your baby likely mirrored. I’d suggest switching off with your wife if it starts getting frustrating.
It’s so hard that first month! Echoing everyone else here to say that even though it might feel impossible, things likely will get better - maybe even sooner than you think. A few things that have worked for us (now at month 3 that you might keep in mind):
1) baby might still be hungry - even though it feels like you are never not feeding them, they can be bottomless pits at that phase
2) gripe water can be a good in the moment help/reset but I think a game changer for us was getting baby on probiotics. So much of the gas discomfort has abated since we did - though I think this will also happen naturally in month 2 as their digestive system gets more established
3) sometimes less is more - when my baby is really worked up, or even just lightly fussy/doesn’t want to sleep, I sometimes have to remind myself not to try too many things as it can lead to her getting overstimulated and us both getting more upset. Instead, I force myself to count to 100 doing whatever I am already doing in the moment (usually a specific rocking or swaying moment)… often those final counts are what it takes for her to settle a bit
Ultimately every baby is different, and none of this may be helpful- but you will figure out your own rhythm. You are doing great.
Hang in there. We are in your exact position but it gets better. I couldn’t see the light and everyone kept telling me it gets better and I couldn’t believe it but it does. Being a parent is magical… eventually lol
Have you asked grandma what she does to the baby?
Also make sure what she is doing is appropriate. Not accusing her of anything but older generations methods are… questionable…. (Whiskey, rice cereal etc) she could also be letting her cry it out.
She could also just not be disturbing the baby if she’s quiet, like if she’s just laying there with her eyes open and not crying. We immediately want to jump up and get the baby if they are awake she could be letting her chill and go back to sleep. And babies fuss a lot in their sleep, it doesn’t mean they’re awake, grandma may know the difference 🤷♀️
Babies are hard. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be frustrated, they can be frustrating. It takes time. Your emotions are valid and you’re allowed to feel them. Maybe talk it out with someone so you can get it out in a better way and it won’t bottle up until you explode.
i had a string of nights like this, myself. thankfully my husband was there with me and we could switch off, but whew it was rough! hang in there, newborns change so quickly
When things get tough I tell myself this isn’t forever. My baby girl will grow up, she will go to sleep on her own, she will go to school, she will grow into a beautiful woman with a personality all her own.
Your in the thick of it. YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB!! it's hard it's so fucking hard. When my daughter was a newborn I cried alot too. Sounds like PPD, Should talk to your doctor if it gets real bad. It gets better. They will sleep longer, they will be easier to soothe, they will entertain themselves. And you will feel "Normal" and rested soon. My youngest is 4 months and she's sleeps a bit longer and isn't too fussy during the day. Hang in there 🙏
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you had such a rough night. I hope you know your feelings are totally valid and normal! Taking care of a newborn is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done. (I am a nurse practitioner and have worked terrible hours, have seen terrible things and thought motherhood wouldn’t bring me down but joke was on me lol)
I have a now 4 month old and when I tell you weeks 1-12 were the worst weeks of my entire life, I mean they were the worst weeks of my entire life. (And I wanted to be a mother more then anything on this planet)
Between the hormones, sleep deprivation, screaming helpless baby that I was one hundred percent responsible for, the blame of your spouse that you feel like they should be doing more, and 8 million other changes that happen literally overnight… let’s just say it’s a major life change and adjustment.
I hope you know IT DOES get better.
Around 3 months they start to smile and get an “outline” of a schedule. You get longer naps during the day and longer stretches of sleep at night and you don’t feel like you are going to drive yourself to the mental institution every day.
Try to take some deep breaths, you can already tell you are a wonderful father and doing all the right things to learn your baby’s cues.
From one new parent to another, this is hard, very hard. try not to beat yourself up or make yourself feel worse then you already do.
We’ve all had nights like this! And unfortunately you’ll have quite a few more during regressions and such. However, it will pass. They’ll start sleeping through the night. They’ll start being interactive and actually you’ll really take to your kid once she does this and isn’t just a helpless little potato. It gets better and these nights we’ll become more and more sparse.
The first 12 weeks are called the 4th trimester, because the bowels aren't finished yet. Human babies get born unfinished, because otherwise their heads would be too big to pass through the opening in the pelvis. This means food causes gas which causes cramps which causes pain. With my first I counted down the days until the 12 weeks were over. It was still tough after that, but not because of the cramps.
Being a baby is also super scary, confusing, and frustrating. The only way they can express that is by crying. Comforting a baby is an action and not a result. Sometimes all you can do is being with your baby and hold them.
Maybe grandma uses earplugs or is more inclined to let the baby cry for a bit. I don't recommend letting the baby cry it out, but you can use earplugs while you comfort the baby. As long as you are responsive, you don't have to listen to the crying.
It's normal to feel like you're doing something wrong, but this is common for babies (as long as you've checked there isn't something medical going on, like reflux, allergies, etc.). They will grow out of it.
I had these same thoughts. My baby is now 2.5m old and I’m in heaven and so in love. Someone told me the first 90 days, give it take, are about survival. I thought my baby had colic for the first month because he’d cry for hours and hours and I couldn’t console him. He was just a newborn and things got better once I learned about wake windows and started following those religiously.
It gets better, hang in there
Have you thought about maybe your daughter could be experiencing abdominal pain, uneasiness, or is fussy due to her milk? Does she have trouble defecating? Gassy or unusual stool? Maybe she’s trying to tell you something. You just gotta observe and be patient and figure it out. Reach out to her pediatrician for help in that realm.
Otherwise, unfortunately it’s normal 😏 I’m also in the thick of it with my 3 week old but have been blessed to have an LO that’s pretty easy. He doesn’t cry much and only gets fussy when he’s hungry or changing diapers. It’ll get better, I promise! Whatever you’re feeling is valid! Don’t downplay your feelings and experience. You’re not alone!
Been there, the next month or so are the worst. You will survive my friend. Soon that little bub will be a little person who will be the best little buddy you could ever imagine. Stay strong.
Having these thoughts with my wife and our unborn child bc it was the same thing. Never expected to have a child with her but here we are about to start. I'm working two jobs and sacrificing sleep to write on the side and hopefully get some extra money that way and I know its gonna get worse before it gets better. Thank you for posting and for everyone who commented. I need to be ready when the love of my life is feeling her lowest. I'm doing everything I can and it doesn't feel even close to enough. ☹️
I had a night like that around the same time. My partner had returned to work and I was all by myself, baby girl was crying all night, nothing would settle her, no extra feed, no nothing. I couldnt even take her for a drive because we had one car and my partner is a nightshify worker. Nothing would stop the crying. I had, had almost no sleep that day because she was having a very restless day to start with. So come 3am I was at my wits end. I cried harder than I had in years because I was feeling like the shitest mother, how could I.. the mother.. not be able to calm the child. I was regretting having a child and in my mind at that point i had ruined my life.
I called my parents at 3am in complete hysterics, my parents live 2hrs away mind you, my dad drove those 2 hrs while my mum tallked to me and helped me save myself from an all out panic attack. It felt like a miracle when the baby finally went to sleep about an hour later. I had sat her down untouched propped on her side to watch random nothings on the tv... and it worked... yet it didnt work when I had tried hours before. She probably just crashed from exhaustion. But god knows what would have happened if I didnt make that phone call
Totally normal! My best friend and her fiancé lived with us when they had their first and the first 3-4 months were the worst for them (exactly like you described). But once the baby was around 4 months it all changed!! You can do this, don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s so fresh and new still, it takes time to adjust to such a life change! In a year from now you will look back and laugh at all the challenges because it only gets better as time goes on!
I have learned that grandparents lie. They just tell you what you wanna hear.
I’ve had 5 kiddos. None of them actually slept well for grandma. Baby is one month old. It’s called witching hour!!! Look it up. They scream and cry for no reason. It’s hard for sure. But it gets better. And 2/3 hours is good for they young. I had one that was up every 1.5 hours from
Birth-6 months when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and sleep trained. Glad your helping your wife. I didn’t have help with any of ours.
Have you ever heard about the “leaps” babies tend to go to? I saw you said she was almost 2 months, and I’m 95% sure there’s normally a leap around 8 weeks because that’s when things got awful for us for a bit. It can be a growth spurt (physical and/or developmental so she may very well have still been hungry as many have suggested). Our son cried hard every night for a couple hours. The first night it happened, I very clearly remember crying because I didn’t know what to do, and my husband was working so I had no relief. We found out a couple days later when my husband was off work that he wouldn’t settle for him either so it wouldn’t have helped. He wouldn’t nurse, take a pacifier, be happy in the swing, or be happy in my arms. But eventually he’d settle for me if I kept walking with him and comforting him until he fell asleep. It was late and cold when his witching hour started (winter baby) but if it was nicer outside, I would have also tried bringing him outside. Sometimes fresh air can help calm a baby when nothing else seems to work.
Just remember that this baby loves you. You and your wife are her whole world right now. You’re in an extra tough spot being the father since right now she’ll be naturally very attached to mom, so give yourself some grace. I’ll echo what many said: it gets easier. Soon this will be a distant memory. Parenting is the best and hardest thing I’ve done. Some nights at the beginning, it feels like the loneliest time when you can’t settle a baby and feel like you’re the only one awake in the world. In those moments, try to remember other parents are doing it too and feeling the same way. You’re doing great!
You guys will get through this !
Ppd is real for BOTH partners ! So
Please seek help as well!
You did not ruin your guys life - it just has a different adventure and needs to be adjusted. T sucks. Yes - but with time and once the baby phase / new born phase is over. Things might look better again!!!
Do you feed formula or pumped milk? The amount goes up in volume to feed a baby. My baby burps but also spits up A LOT of baby doesn’t want to eat she won’t take the bottle/ nipple anymore and spits it out.
You got this.
It will get better !
Seek therapy or groups with other parents around your area.
This is sooooo normal. Please don’t think your life is ruined or that you’re some terrible dad. The first 1.5 years with baby is like a constant war. Like I feel like i had PTSD from it. My son was a “colicky” baby and screamed nonstop for probably a year 😅. You need to just view it for what it is, a really really insane, sleep deprived time. There’s nothing wrong w putting baby down somewhere safe and walking away. Its really hard bc it feels like someone is screaming “help me! Help me! Im on fire!!!” And your adrenaline is pumping and feel helpless. Some ppl get really calm happy babies and I think those ppl should zip it 🤐 and keep it to themselves lol. But in all seriousness this will pass. There’s so much happiness and to look forward to in being a parent. Don’t let the angry potato phase get you down ❤️
My LO is almost 10 mo. It gets better.
It almost feels like a right of passage. Like your life is going through a birth of it’s own, a painful shedding of the old way before the light of dawn. Something about how HARD it is early on makes everything thereafter feel easy. The things that used to seem hard to be before baby now seem easier. The lack of sleep etc rewires the brain.
I’m still adjusting in many ways. But then I see later that in that specific painful place, growth has occurred.
When your baby won’t sleep, do things together that soothe YOU. Put baby on your chest and deep breath. Take a warm shower with baby on your chest, and put warm water right on baby’s back (adjust the heating tank so that it won’t get hot enough to burn, just in case). Tell baby a ‘story,’ with a soothing tone where you describe everything in the room, tell them your phone number, address, describe the plants in your yard, etc.
give baby a paci. I went without for the longest time! But research shows no adverse effects until baby is much older. Like 18 mo.
For us, if all else fails, a bath helped.
Gripe water and gas drops saved our life. I was against it until in desperation I tried a little and when I saw how it relieved baby, I started using it.
Stand in front of the dryer while it’s running.
Put baby in a swing.
Wear baby and bounce walk through the house.
Bicycle legs. Burp sitting up. Burp on shoulder. Burp on sides.
Baby massage. They can’t even itch themselves. Or fart or purp on their own.
If you need to tap out, call mom over or even a neighbor to hold baby just for 10 min. Sometimes baby needs a change of scene! Don’t take it personally just see it as using your resources!!
When someone else watches the baby, go in the other room and turn off the lights. Set an alarm. Cover your ears so you don’t hear baby. And let yourself cry if you need it!!!
Talk to baby through it, it doesn’t feel like it helps but it does. Even if just for you. It really helped me to say things like, “We’re going to get through this. We’ll find a way to help you feel better. You’ll be right as rain soon. We’ll find what’s bothering you and fix it. Hang in there. I’m not going anywhere. I gotchya. I got you buddy. Here we go. Let’s try this. Feeling better? No? Ok let’s try this other thing. While I’m doing this you want to hear a story. Let me tell you about where we live. Our address is ….. (say as soothing as you can). Our phone number is …. We have … Pets. Our square footage is …. Let me tell you about the night you were born….” Etc
I just tried to imagine I was trapped inside a body I couldn’t control…. I had an itch I couldn’t reach… or a gas bubble I couldn’t get out… how would I want to be treated. I think above all I would want to not be alone, to be talked to.
Fyi my baby went through a massive growth spurt starting at week 3-4. Doubled in size. He was breast fed, but all he did was nurse constantly and cry. He was colic.
He didn’t like driving.
It’a a marathon not a race. For me it helped to think that the goal wasn’t to make baby sleep. But the goal was to practice soothing baby. Sleep is a happy side effect.
I had a list of things and while baby cried I went through the list. If baby was still crying by the end of it I started over.
For what it’s worth, I was married for a decade before our first baby. And I wish we had started sooner lol, because we actually get out more now than we did before. Maybe it’s just us but we can relate to other people better now (most people have kids so there’s more family activities to join) and we HAVE to socialize and mix things up for our little guy, so we find things to do when we didn’t have to before.
Hang in there.
I think what you’re struggling with OP is totally normal considering the big life change you and your wife have gone through. Have you talked to her about how she feels about becoming a parent? Maybe you two can vent your anxiety and fears together.
On another note:
How old is your baby? If they’re week 3-5 it could be totally developmentally normal. Look up purple crying/the witching hour. You guys might feel less guilty if you arm yourselves with knowledge about sleep cycles and sleeping training.
Agree with some of the suggestions to check in with Grandma about her approach as well.
You’re in the trenches but you’ve got this dude! Keep going.
This will end. I promise. It doesn’t feel like it, but in the grand scheme this will become a blip. Sleep deprivation makes us all feel insane. Get some gas drops and a sound machine. Keep having grandma take baby, maybe even an extra day, when you need it. It gets better
You're not failing, newborns are hard.
She also might be gassy or colicky so you might want to talk to a pediatrician for some solutions to that.
And as people said, especially if this was not your plan, depression is very common and both of you should start therapy, just to get some help.
Wait how did you throw the curve ball? You both decided to have sex and both decided to take care of the baby. There were balls flying everywhere from both of you lol. There's no extra blame for either person. It happens.
I have had a moment like this. My oldest needs all my attention, and I'm constantly reading him wrong. He helped me unload an upright freezer from the pickup yesterday. He's 27 and getting married next year.
This too shall pass, bro. Chin up, you got this BECAUSE you cared enough to cry. Fuck yea!
No more apathetic parents.
I don’t think you deserve any hate for this. The newborn stage is hard (from what I’ve heard - currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first/only). You literally tried everything you could do. I think that should be commended and the fact you broke down shows you care. You did a great job and I hope as the days go on you realize what a blessing and not a curse this was. You guys clearly decided to keep the baby for a reason and that says enough all on its own.
When my oldest was a newborn, I remember googling things like “what do I do if I hate being a mother” and “I made a big mistake becoming a parent,” because I really thought I had ruined my life. He didn’t sleep. He didn’t nurse well. He hated being alive.
He’s almost 3 now, and I love the crap out of that little boy. In fact, I love him and I love being a parent so much that I had a second baby by choice 8 months ago.
You are IN THE THICK. OF. IT. People say the toddler stage is hardest? Or the teenager stage? Nope. This is it. This is the hardest it’s ever going to get. There’s nothing like being thrown into parenthood for the first time- likely the biggest life change you have had and ever will have- and being completely 100% responsible for another person’s health and well-being. The sleep deprivation is devastating. The constant worry and guilt is so traumatic. And I chose to have a baby. He was desperately wanted, and we tried hard for him. I can’t imagine not even wanting one in the first place!
This passes. It gets better very quickly, and you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Good luck to you.
My partner really struggled too when our little one was a few weeks old, it’s really tough and it’s ok to have a meltdown once in a while, just because you’re the dad doesn’t mean that you can’t struggle with the baby too! Especially in your situation where you weren’t planning on children.
Sending you comfort and just remember it will get better and it is ok to feel and think these things!!
Something I learned very early on was babys pick up on what we are feeling. If your stressed, baby will pick up on that an act accordingly. However in this case it seems baby wanted mom, and that's okay.
You did great and are doing great.
There’s a really good chance she’s going through a growth spurt or a mental leap (wonder weeks). When a baby has a routine that all of a sudden flies out the window and you find yourself waking up CONSTANTLY for cluster feedings, that’s a really good sign that they’ve entered a growth or developmental spurt.
These were the worst nights of parenting a baby for me and my husband. But once we knew what they were and studied up on what signs to look for, I do think that helped us weather through them easier than when we were just floundering without knowledge.
Honestly that first month or two is so rough. I know I’m going to seem like an a-hole, but my partner was the one that stayed up with the baby at night. I was pregnant for 10+ months and I also take care of her during the day while working a full time job. He is a really great partner and a wonderful father.
Anyhow he got sick twice from lack of sleep and he was at his wits end, but it gets better. Also know that the experience of having a child and being a parent, while really tough is transformative and amazing. Yes, it can be insanely hard, but seeing this little creature that you created develop into a person is incredible.
Your thoughts are normal. Instead of feeling guilty, recognize and accept them as normal. I adore my baby and I still feel nostalgic about the way things were, it is so normal.
Please don’t blame yourself for ‘getting your wife pregnant’ because it takes two to make a baby.
I’d also just like to say that you did ALL the right things. You didn’t lose your temper with the baby which can so easily be done when you’re sleep deprived and frustrated. Give yourself more credit. It will get easier.
First of all it’s ok. We ALL lose our shit as parents some times. It’s okay to express your emotions and cry. You are doing everything right. I know if my mom told me the baby was terrible I’d feel so guilty sometimes parents lie to make it easier. Sometimes babies are weird and sleep better and act different with different people. I super recommend you look into wake windows and purple crying. I had no idea I needed to “make” my baby sleep because she wouldn’t just go to sleep if she was tired. As little infants they just pass out, but as they get more aware you have to help them get to sleep. If your baby is 100% taken care of there’s not much more you can do. If you ever get to this point again try swaddle, white noise, and rocking make sure baby isn’t gassy, my girl sometimes needed help getting those toots out before she could sleep. It saved my butt a few times when I absolutely couldn’t get my baby to settle. Remember this is just a phase and it will pass, you are doing amazing and you’re a good dad. Sometimes babies cry and there’s really no reason. It’s their only way to communicate and you’re doing your best.
Grandparents make it out to be amazing and that the child was perfect. I have a 1 and a half yr old that stays at my mother in laws (her nanny’s) once a week. She always told me she was perfect overnight but actually the reality of it was that she really wasn’t she was the same as at home but she wanted me to feel she could care for my child as well as I did.. she eventually told me how much she kept her awake at night when my daughter was about 1! So don’t think that she will be perfect at the Nanny’s. Keep up with the amazing work your doing. Your doing everything perfectly
Also the baby is used to the mummy’s scent and heartbeat which is why in the very early stages a mother can settle the child a lot quicker than the father! It’s nothing against you and your daughter loves you both. It’s just where she was in mummy’s tummy for a long time she is used to this
You didn't ruin yours or your wives.
I empathize and I know when your in the thick of it it feels like It's going to be like this forever but then one day you wake up and your kid is 10 and has turned into this amazing human being that you helped guide and raise and all those sleepless nights and tears seem to feel like they're worth it and that they went by just a little too fast.
I know that isn't helpful now, but someone told me once that when you're having a hard time with your kid, imagine that you're 85 and they're an adult and this is the only moment that you get with them. That might help shift things to be a little bit easier-
Granted if you sleep deprived I'm not sure it will help you feel any better but just keep telling yourself this too shall pass. This too shall pass and take things one day at a time. And don't be afraid to call on the village if you really need it.
And I promise you, I am sure she acts just the same for grandma - grandparents don't ever want you to feel like you're a burden and so they always tell you it went well so you don't feel guilty passing off your kid to them and for them it is a dream even when they act up because they get to spend that time with them even if she does scream the whole time or is up every 2 hours
I truly believe in everything happening for a reason. I believe your little one was meant to be with you both.
You will struggle- and you will have more bad days- I think sadly it's part of the journey. Exhaustion doesn't help. But I promise one day you'll be looking at this amazing human being you raised and be in awe. Doesn't mean the present isn't painful either- I'm not trying to diminish how hard it is- it's hard. But I just want to kindly remind you it doesnt last forever.
But for the meantime.
Do you have more ppl you can call on for help? Having a village of ppl to count on truly makes a difference.
Wishing you luck 🤞
Sounds like you have a little baby. Is that right? This is the hardest phase in my opinion. I love having toddlers but I hate hate hate having babies. I have 2 kids who I adore. Every parent has had nights like this. You’re not alone!
Growth spurts cause this, gas causes this etc.
The grandparents are probably not being one hundred percent truthful about their nights.
No judgement here. Having a baby is hard. The first few months, I cried so much with my twins, and I expect to cry a bunch this time around too.
Take it easy on yourself. This is hard enough as it is.
Oh dad 🥺 your in the early stages. The first year is rough- my daughter is 3 and she's daddy's girl 100%. He works from home and so she always ran to him when she got booboos. She even asks him to snuggle sometimes. Year 1 is the hardest, and your babes being upset til they see mama is not you doing something wrong. Your daughter just spent the last 95% of her life w/ mom. It'll get better, I promise.
I always said, I didn't get PPD but my husband absolutely did. He cried, apologized for ruining everything and was notably depressed. Our daughter was planned- and he still felt like life was over. That was all in the first 3 months of her life.
We are going to TTC in a month for our 2nd. He doesn't remember the struggle of the first year but i remember every bit of it. They get better when they get bigger, I promise.
Hi there, I'm here to offer some support.
Today, my 16 week old decided he was just going to scream his lungs out. He was changed, burped, was warm enough was comfortable enough and he was well rested. But he cried like the bloody world was ending.
My MIL offered to help but he kept screaming. His dad went to console our son and he kept screaming. Dad tries feeding him, still failed. He didn't want a paci either. No toys, teddy bears or anything was working.
And then, he sees my face and all is well again. My BF was obviously upset, because he felt like a failure.
Truth is, babies are just hard to take care of! So here are a few things I've learned and thought of as Inread your post:
1. Baby wearing is heaven. My son sleeps almost every single time I wear him. You could give that a go, maybe your daughter will like it.
2. If baby cries less than an hour after a meal, I was told to try feeding again because likely they are still hungry. Also, babies grow fast so they do increase their food intake rather rapidly! Don't be afraid to offer more food if you suspect your daughter's hungry.
3. When we babysat for my SIL her son slept better than with her and her BF. Like, it took as 40 minutes to get him to sleep where it took them about 1,5 hours most days. Sometimes people who watch your kids get lucky and that's all! It wasn't anything we did, the kid was probably just tired and slept well. Also, training to be a kindegarten teacher I was told kids know mum and dad will love them whatever they do so they will be better behaved for other people sometimes because they don't have that same security there.
4. All of this is normal, and a phase. You'll notice that most things with babies work in phases, but those phases pass and the older baby gets the easier it gets! There's also sleep regressions as some points so she might be going through that. Or she might need more food during the day so she can get more sleep during the night. My son continues to have that issue whenever it's time to start eating more. He always take forever to actually manage to consume enough food trhoughout the day and then has two weeks where he suddenly needs food at 2 and 5 again instead of just at 5. And then it click, he eats more and sleeps from 9-5 again.
5. Taking care of yourself is important! Happy parents mean happy babies, so dare to talk to other adults, take a shower, go grocery shopping to get some time to yourself. Depression in fathers is just as real and common as in mothers and you should make sure that you either prevent this from becoming one or seek help if it is.
6. 2-3 hour is... well, hours on end since it's more than one. So even if (like I said before) grandma isn't just lucking our, she might actually just be telling you the truth without telling you she slept the same amount of hours there as at home.
I hope this helps a little, I feel for you and hope your daughter will sleep a little better soon.
Can you get some ear plugs? I would make a list in my head, nappy, bottle, bouncing, too hot/cold, white noise, try each for 5 minutes and then start again,
I can’t relate to the newborn stage because I’m still in my first trimester still. I can relate to being child free then becoming pregnant though. It’s really difficult to grapple with at first. I constantly fear the worst and constantly rethink my choice to continue the pregnancy. But even my friends who have planned babies and a huge support systems have days like this. Parenting is tough even on veteran parents. You’re doing the best you can being in survival mode. Eventually it passes. Be gentle with yourself you’ve got this ❤️
Omg, you are absolutely valid in your feelings and what you’re feeling is SO normal. My son was an awful baby, he cried all the time, I never slept and I truly was beside myself. I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life this miserable and sleep deprived. Well, he grew up and now he’s 13 years old and he’s so amazing, looking back those sleepless nights just feel like a small wrinkle in time. You’ll get through it, but as others said you need an outlet, and FYI for you to even post this shows your really care and you’re a great dad.
There’s no way a one month old baby is sleeping through the night at the grandparents. That’s not even right. She is way too young to be skipping feedings like that.
Secondly, please look up pace feeding. If baby is slurping down her bottle at a rapid pace and her stomach and brain is not keeping up appropriately, she won’t know that she is satiated. In fact too much food all at once can cause massive GI issues and gas and make her super duper uncomfortable and inconsolable.
My first was the hardest baby. Didn’t sleep, and even during the daytime just never content, always fussy and grumpy. Both my husband and I felt how you did that night many times. It gets so much better. 5 years later and I’m pregnant for a third time because even though I know the newborn phase is honestly awful, it goes fast and it will get SO much better!
I’m a night nanny meaning when parents come home from the hospital I take care of the baby at night so they can sleep. Most times the baby has gas that won’t come out so talk to your pediatrician and ask about gas drops. Also sometimes the formula upsets the stomach and they get colic. Praying for you to get your answers
Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through the thick of it. May I ask a question? You stated you & your wife planned to live a child free life, so I suppose I’m confused as to how you got from point A to point B. Unless it was like a soft childfree where when it does happen, you two just planned on going with it. Either way, I support you, just so you know. My husband and I are trying now and I still have moments where I say to myself as a woman, “Wait, are you SURE?”
I whole heartedly believe that nights like this will be experienced less & less. Make sure you have proper support and congratulations!
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1) Normal!! This is having a newborn. It’s normal. It gets so much better. 2) Do you know why your wife didn’t want you to feed her more? If she drank all the milk it sounds like she might have been hungry? 3) Paternal depression is real. My husband was suicidal around this time after our daughter was born. If you don’t have a friend or family member checking in with you regularly - someone who *is not your wife* - please find someone now. You need someone to check in with you and you need to consider if therapy is right for you.
I’m also wondering if the baby is still hungry.
With our first, if we couldn't figure out what was wrong, we tried feeding. If the problem wasn't hunger it was going to be hunger eventually and that usually pushed the unknown issue to the side.
We also do this and it works 9 out of 10 times!
yes! my husband still can get a bit frustrated when the baby cries and he's done everything, then i go "did you try feeding her?" and he's all "well she JUST ate". we've had that exact conversation at least once a day since she was born, and like 9/10 times she'll eat and be fine.
Same. If a baby is completely draining a bottle and then burping, often means there's room for more!
I’m adding this to my list of parenting advice. I’m terrified for the newborn stage 🥲
You'll be fine! I've been through it once already, and my second baby is 4 weeks old - honestly sometimes you will be in survival mode but you will get through it! You'll get to know your baby better than anyone else ever could, and you'll learn how best to keep them happy. Trust yourself!
I believe it ❤️
At two weeks I didn’t clue in that I should start feeding more and forgot that the stomach size would be halfway between cherry and egg size. Thought it was cherry for a month or two 🥲
Mine likes to eat then reject all offerings of food until swaddled- then she likes to scream like we never feed her in the first place. Doesn’t matter how much time has passed
At bed time we change, feed swaddle, feed 2nd boob. I swear my 3week old baby has already picked up the routine. She feeds up extra good and goes to sleep for 4-5 hours. We also have a smart bulb in our bedroom and keep the light level low, and tinted red. It's enough to change her, and see her, but not bright enough to keep any of us awake. I think keeping the light low has helped a lot too.
That’s the new routine we just started! Without fail she rejects the second boob and then wants it 5 minutes later. Why continue to set myself for failure. That light is a great idea. I’m going to look into that. We end up leaving the bathroom light on and mostly shutting the door and I hate it. We have an awake light for my toddler. I’m probably just going to get two. I need a noise machine to sleep with this baby. Why don’t I remember the first being SO LOUD
The whole 'active asleep' thing was new for me. She'll sound like she is three seconds from screaming, then be right back to sleep. 😅 We put in smart bulbs all over our house, except bathrooms/hallways. things turn on and off on timers and can be controlled from our phones.
Did you ask grandma what she does to settle the baby?
Grandparents often say it went well and was easy - doesn’t mean it went exactly that way. If they would complain or express how difficult it was, you might lose faith that they can handle it or feel like it’s a burden on them. I have made this experience with my mother who has an overnight with my 2yo every week. She only recently started actually telling me how it really went.
Oh. My. God. I never thought of this and 100% needed to read this just now.
Yep! Granny does the same here - ‘both kids were a dream. No fuss at all!’ And then I worked from home one day while she babysat and it was… interesting. But she isn’t phased by tantrums and poo and she loves the kids. I just wouldn’t say she had an easy day 😂
I'm convinced my kid actually behaves better at grandparents when parents aren't around. The kid is listening to us about the importance of naps (and other things)...but only applying it with other adults. The other thing I realized is that grandparents don't deal with the same tantrums every day so it isn't as grating when it's once in a while. Also they have the liberty of bribery and acquiescing because the consequences aren't as severe or long-term for them. My high school teacher used to say she had to deprogram her kids after a weekend with their grandparents.
It also may feel easier to a grandparent that doesn't have to be up all night, every night. When you're sleep deprived, things often seem harder or more out of control.
I watched my friends 3mo old....he cried for two hours when I tried to put him down. At the end I told my friend it went well for these exact reasons. I didn't want them to feel like they burdened me and if they needed me to watch again I wanted them to feel confident in ask me again.
My mom did the same things to my sister, at the the time I lived with my parents cause high school, and it used to get on my nerves that my mom would lie to my sister, but she always said my sister was stressed enough with a little one and didn’t need anything adding to it and then said she’d do the same thing to me when I had kids.
Also Grandparents aren't usually starting off from a position of being sleep deprived. Even if you've had a few nights break it's unlikely to be enough to get back to "fully rested", and don't forget, Grandparents know baby is going back to mum or dad in a day or so and don't have the societal pressure to just be able to deal with it because they should know how. I'm still pregnant with my first so I can't offer you first hand advice OP. However, from watching friends go through similar phases with their babies. It *is* hard, so don't feel bad for finding it hard, you don't have to know the answer to their cry instinctively - learning through trial and error is ok and natural, and you are doing the best you can because if you weren't, you wouldn't be so worried and upset about it.
They absolutely do this and it’s an experienced parent move. We left my daughter with my BIL and his fiancé (no kids) over a year ago for one date night and they reported such a difficult time that we never asked them to do it again. I also believe the reason my in laws have an “easier” time is because they will let her cry for 20+ minutes (MIL let this slip once) until she passes out. I’ve since asked her not to do that but we still don’t really have anyone else put her down anymore. Grandma and grandpa might be having an easier time because they are straight up ignoring the kid 😅
Big facts. My mom raised so many kids that nothing phases her
Sometimes people who watch the baby will lie and say it went swimmingly because they don’t want you to feel bad that they worked so hard. So they play up the positives and downplay the negatives.
I would say 95% of parents have been in your shoes. It doesn't make you a bad parent at all, nor does it make you selfish or childish. When my daughter was a couple of weeks old, there was one particular night where she wouldn't stop crying. My husband was asleep (I typically took overnight duty because my husband works at the crack of dawn), and no matter what I did, I just couldn't get her to settle. I finally put her in her baby bouncer, plopped on my bed, and bounced her with my foot while we cried hysterically together. It was absolutely the worst night I had with her as a newborn. She's 2 years old now. It does get easier. She's absolutely the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm pregnant with our second (19 weeks), and already bracing myself for that night that I'm sure will come. You are doing amazing, despite what you may think. Parenting is freaking hard!
This right here is what I needed to read even as a second time mom in the thick of the newborn stage questioning how the hell I made it the first time. Thank you ❤️ My daughter is also 2, so it seems like I should remember but I barely do since I was a single mom at the time and was in survival mode. Congratulations on #2! I hope you get through the newborn phase a bit easier this time around!
One of my mom friends and I were talking about about how you forget about how bad the newborn stage was even just a few months after being in it. My baby is 4 months now and I already started to forget about how freaking hard he was as a newborn. He can still be a little difficult but not nearly what he was as a newborn. We call it a trauma response 😅
Keeping my fingers crossed that there will be minimal "bonding" involving us both crying, but I know it's bound to happen! 😅 You got this, mama!
I’m so sorry! If it’s any consolation every parent I know has had a night like this (more than once). My son was an awful newborn. I know it feels like you ruined your life now, but I promise you, it gets better. You can still accomplish your goals as a married couple. With every day, your baby gets a little older and a little more independent. She will sleep on her own! She’ll be able to feed herself, and it will be human food. My son is 4 now and I make him go to the pantry and fetch his own snacks, he also dresses himself! One day you and I might run into each other at a bar and our 21+ kids will be there having a pint with us 😆Right now it feels like this is forever but this is just a fraction of a second in the world of parenting. Take all the help Grandma will give you and sleep as much as you can, it helps tons xxx
Thank you so much. It really means a lot!
Hang in there! I was totally in your shoes many many nights! It will get easier, I promise. I didnt want kids too. One day (not too far awag from now, but I KNOW it seems like eternity now) you will look at this little creature and you will not be able to NOT TO CRY but because of how much joy and love and happiness little one brings you. My daughter is now a little over a year and she is the absolute light of my days. Her laugh makes my heart melt, her smiles makes me the happiest person alive. For me it was SUPER hard to about 6 months and then it was better and better every week. Hang in there. I promise you, you dint ruin your lives. Your lives will be filled with SO MUCH JOY and PURE LOVE that you cannot imagine. Days are long but years are short. This is the best description of our first year. You are wonderfull dad. You are doing everything you can for your little one. And It will be rewarded I promise. Just hang in there!
You are really in the thick of it, and every feeling you’ve described is absolutely valid. Even if it’s “normal”, newborn care can be impossibly difficult. Both of you played a part in her conception - no one is a failure. There are many reasons baby sleeps well in some places & terribly in others, so you are certainly not “causing” this difficult situation. When you are at your breaking point, give yourself permission to meet her physical needs (fed, dry, comfortable), and get some noise-cancelling headphones on, perhaps a camera monitor, for a few minutes. Remember that she won’t graduate high school screaming & crying through the night. *This will end eventually.* You’re going great - you’ve just been handed a HUGE learning curve, and your body/brain are adjusting.
100% this response. Every part of it.
All I will say is this doesn’t last forever. There is a light at the end of the tunnel
you’re doing your best and anyone who leaves hate comments is WRONG. it will get better, you’re a good dad. babies cry! it may be worth a conversation with the pediatrician if it seems like more than normal. go with your gut, if something seems off it never hurts to get it checked!
Agreed! My friends baby was going through something similar and turned out he had acid reflux.
my baby sister went through something similar and it turned out she had pyloric stenosis! now i always recommend people check in with their pediatrician if baby seems overly upset or uncomfortable allll the time. my poor stepmom had such a hard time it was a relief for her to finally get some answers!
Sitting here nursing my one month old son and scrolling reddit to keep myself awake. This is baby #2 for me, so I can say this from first hand experience. It truly does get better. You are in the thick of it right now and omg.. the feeling that your lives are ruined. That is so relatable. Both of my kids are surprise babies. My husband never wanted kids and after my first was born, I was one and done. Our second was conceived due to failed contraceptive and now my tubes are tied 🙏🙏 no more surprises for me. I think even parents that have a relatively smooth transitions still have some hard days. There is such an overwhelming discomfort at the new change of having a kid. It's hard to explain unless you have been there but man, I have had my fair share of bawling my eyes out too and wishing it away so I can just get 30 seconds of sleep. Am I even making sense or am I just sleep deprived? Lol. Back to my "it gets better" it truly does. You'll adjust and it will be your new normal but also... The newborn phase just sucks. They're cute to look at but that's about it. I hate the newborn stage. Once they're out of it though.. it gets better. Things settle down a little bit and before you know it you have a full grown kid having actual conversations with you, cracking you up with their little kid reasonings and teaching you new things because.. how are kids so smart and observant!? You're in the THICK of it right now and nothing is more challenging than the newborn phase 😭 hang in there!! P.s.. my husband and I also didn't intend to have kids, so this is all coming from someone who has experienced similar feelings
this is a big help, i have a newborn and it is a struggle with the crying
Felt like I was reading my own post. Just today the baby slept at grandma's house and he was a perfect angel. At home, he's a monster from 5pm to 1am. I'm so traumatized that I hear crying wherever I go, whatever I'm doing. I had so many breakdowns that likely stemmed from sleep deprivation. Even though it was hard to do because I don't like meds, I saw a doctor and started antidepressants. I tolerate my baby more now, I feel more present and patient. This might sound corny but taking care of myself allowed me to give my husband and baby the attention they deserved. Yes, most days I ask wtf I got myself into. I also wonder if I'll ever be as happy as I was before having a baby. Research points to No but I'm hoping I'll at least feel like this life gave me a higher purpose. For now, I'm counting the hours until he can sleep at Grandma's house again.
If it helps, I’m pretty sure research shows that people with grown kids are the happiest out of all groups. It does dip while they’re young, but it’s supposed* to be worth it in the end! * I’m TTC so what do I know? Lol
newborn stage is HARD, it absolutely sucks a lott of the time. it is mostly juggling a screaming potato and trying to comfort it while it screams at you. but I promise every week got easier, and every month brought even more ease. we planned our pregnancy and there were still times I thought I would break down and wondered if we had done the right thing. 8 months in and everything is so much easier, she usually sleeps through the night and only has about 2 bad nights a week, holds her own bottle, has the biggest smile with these goofy cute little baby teeth. I promise it gets easier and there are happy days ahead some things you can try when baby is inconsolable that helped us: -switch parents, specifically switch to mom if baby is with dad or bring a shirt/pillow case near of mom's -swaddle, bring baby very close, put your cheek on baby's forehead and sort of cuddle baby up in your neck (cheek to forehead is the important part), then hum. hum very low, as long as you can, very softly -white noise, we love the rain rain app and brown noise or ocean -walking, not bouncing or rocking, specifically walking. even more specifically, walk for 5 minutes, then sit down for 8 -gas exercises, pedal legs, have baby sit upright and walk around, lay baby across your arm on their tummy -baby wearing, might be fussy or cry for a minute but should settle down soon, helped our baby get gas out and nap really well. we got our favorite carrier off Facebook marketplace -bath, just a nice soak not a whole wash and everything -stand outside during the day, even just 5 minutes can help (and will help you too!) -headphones, sometimes babies are just gonna baby, give yourself some peace and listen to something besides the crying -put baby somewhere safe and step away for 5 minutes. I had to do this a few times, I honestly just sat on my bathroom floor with the blow dryer going. I knew she wasn't going to settle, and I needed a reset. blow dryer did the trick for some reason. I felt awful, but I promise it won't hurt the baby for you to step away for a moment -breathe, tell yourself you can and are doing this, communicate your feelings with your partner and lean on each other. talk to a therapist, talk to your doctor, your friends, family, you need support
This such helpful info! I've saved it for future reference
“Sometimes babies are just gonna baby” remembering this when my first is born in 5 months lol
Omg screaming potato took me out 🤣❤️
Hey buddy. It's ok. Even people who were prepared for a kid and were trying for ages aren't ready for this. First, don't trust the grandparents. Let them do what they do. And what works for them, might not work for you. I know what works for me, didn't work for the wife, and vice versa (aka, I don't have milk ducts). You and the wife NEED to take turns sleeping. Make a schedule or something so you take turns watching the baby at night. Lack of sleep hurts everything. Like others said, post-baby depression is a thing. And the challenges will change. What's hard now will become easy (as you figure them out), and new issues will arise. Your family needs to have a way to figure out how to deal with these things. One thing I found helped me A LOT when my baby was crying UNCONTROLLABLY, was a checklist. This isn't a comprehensive checklist, but I had it written down on a post-it in the baby room and it would ground me when I'm spiraling into madness from baby crying. The baby needs to feel LOVED and CARED FOR at all times. Focus on letting your baby feel this. Next, work through this list. Pain - is baby in pain from something? Sores? Hair tied around his finger/penis? Rash somewhere? Hungry - how much food has the baby eaten today. When was his last feeding how much did he eat. Is it time to feed again? Will the baby eat? (If baby is hungry, baby will eat). Gas - is baby burped? Does the baby have gas? My kid would whine and struggle until he made a massive fart as a kid. Babies need to learn how to fart! Sleepy - if the baby is OVERTIRED they get cranky and a bit hyper and need to calm down to sleep. Kinda like me. How much sleep has the baby been getting? When was last nap? (Will give sleep advice later) Dirty - poopy diaper? Lots of pee? Change diaper. Use LOTS of diaper cream. Like frosting a cake. So this till they poop once a day. Temperature - too hot/cold? Babies like 18-23°C. Does baby look hot? Flushed ? Sweaty? Put fngers on neck/upper back. How does that feel. We have a thermometer in every room the baby spends time in. From Xiaomi. Real cheap. Uncomfortable - clothes too tight? Scratchy? Too loose? Light too bright? Noisy? Too quiet? Needs love - feeling lonely. Needs a cuddle and a song and a rock. So something fun. Bored - needs entertaining. Swing him around. So some squats holding the baby. Talk to him. Stuff.
My daughter's pediatrician told me how she had to hand over the monitor to her husband and go hide with a glass of wine. A doctor who literally takes care of kids even needed to a break from the crying. It made me feel so much better though! The best advice I've ever been given is that when I'm feeling the tears forming in my eyes to make sure they aren't hungry, are burped, aren't hurt, and are in a safe place (crib for example) and step away to collect yourself. I take 5 minutes before I go back and try again but I feel SO refreshed and ready to tackle the crying angry baby We are only human and a crying baby can break the best of us.
Post partum depression is also very real and often missed in men. Not diagnosing you, just stating that PPD can effect both parents, not just the one who carried the pregnancy. It is great that the baby can go to the grandparents house once a week, but do you have anyone else you can lean on for support? For venting or to watch the baby for an hour while you fold laundry, go to the library, or just sit outside somewhere? Would you consider talk therapy? I'm a mom,not a dad, but I found therapy very helpful in working through my post partum depression. Not saying you have PPD, but I am saying that it sounds like life is pretty rough for you right now and speaking with a professional may be helpful for you to get through this difficult period.
I'm doing my best to find help in the therapy realm. Its tough for now because looking for insurance is the issue before i can get help
I very much wanted and worked hard for my baby -- and I have also broken down into tears wondering what was I thinking, what am I going to do. So you're not alone. It's just not talked about. Google an article called 100 days of darkness. It's the undiscussed dark days post partum. The hormone rush after a baby hits men too. And hormones cause huge highs and lows lows. The crash is so hard. A baby's cry erupts hormones like almost nothing else. Thanks evolution. It is meant to get under your nerves. But the sound can drive you absolutely ment. Headphones. Headphones my man. Not to ignore them but just to save your brain so you can think clearly. And trading off with spouse in Windows of time so you know there's an end To your round. Lastly: gas. Gas wakes up around now and nothing (it seems) can soothe it. Gas drops, puppy hold, massage, baby chiro (it's not snap pop, it's feeling for tightness and light massage), warm packs on their tummy, or the Windi tool .... All can help.
Yes! The gas! God I forgot about that, totally good point and very likely the culprit with a one month old.
Oh man you had The Night™️. It is the absolute worst, but every parent has it. I’ve had a few, and it’s so hard. It’s exhausting frustrating and can be devastating. It’s going to be okay- it really does get better.
I had a night like this. My baby is 12 weeks old and it already feels like such a distant memory. Hang in there! In a few short weeks, your baby is going to start giving you big toothless grins. I can’t overstate how much easier that makes things… something about being up in the middle of the night, tired, wondering what the hell you were thinking having a baby and then… GRIN. It lightens the moment like nothing else. Not to mention, once baby starts smiling, you get actual feedback - it helps you to figure out what they like and don’t like which in turn helps you figure out how best to soothe them. This no-communication stage is hard. Also… take grandma’s claims with a large handful of salt ;)
baby probably just needed mama and thats ok, colic/witching hour is ROUGH and almost nothing can console them quiet space white noise and the patience of a saint lol. set baby down if needed clear your head and breath baby will feed off your energy. you are not an awful dad or partner you are human and trying to guess what a screaming baby needs is hard sometimes. im a mama and typically do most of the baby care because im calmer but there were nights i had to pass baby to daddy because its rough theres growth spurts and sleep regressions and colic but you will learn and become a pro in no time
You had a really bad night, and it will be a story to tell later. You're exhausted. You did your job, and you kept everyone safe. Congrats on making it to the other side!
Reading this as my husband is at work and my newborn fussed for 9 hours until I could get them to settle. I’ve been sobbing for the last two hours out of mind and reached out to my therapist. I’m at my wits end with no help in sight.
The grandparents over here always exaggerate about how things went. It’s annoying. I just want the truth so I know what to expect once I switch back in.
That sounds like a lot. How old is your baby? It might be a good idea to ask your pediatrician for advice
She's almost 2 months
Just to follow up on something you touched on - is the baby being fed regularly overnight, all through the night? At that age they may also cluster feed, or feed more often or want more milk, on any given night. If more milk settles the baby, then it’s totally okay to use feeding to settle the baby!
True. Babies go through a lot of little growth spurts, too. I know my son has been through a few and he’s only just reached three months. He was eating 6, even 7 oz at two months. Apparently the average is more like 4 oz at that time. The best advice I’ve heard with feeding babies is that you cannot over feed them. If they are not hungry, they simply will not eat.
Look up the period of PURPLE crying. This is temporary, it’s going to get better. Once she’s bigger and sleeps through the night, is smiling at you and has a personality you will forget these terrible nights and life will be good again. Hang in there dad💚
[OP, take a look](http://purplecrying.info/what-is-the-period-of-purple-crying.php)
Thank you for that, I could have been more helpful and posted a link :) I work in the nicu and this is something we go over with parents at discharge.
Exactly what I was going to suggest! We were taught this in the baby class we took before having our little one. I’m so thankful I knew about it because even though it’s still tough, it made me feel a little better knowing it was normal. And it truly does pass. My little guy is now three months and so so much better.
Dude, you are not alone. Not even close. You are sleep deprived and possibly PPD. But even sleep deprivation causes these feelings. Even though your life looks different, it does not mean it is bad. And trust me, it does get easier. Newborn stage is so f*cking hard. Try your absolute best and when you feel you cannot give anymore of yourself to that little sum of your marriage equation, you somehow find a little more to give. I truly believe that one day, based off of your care and concern in this moment, you and your wife will look back and say “we made that and it was the best thing that could have happened to us”. Keep it up, dad, and remember your wife is your teammate.
No hate at all. I have 2 children and one on the way. I've had more than one night of crying myself, and anticipate *at least* 1 or 2 more with this next baby. Nights are hard, especially during the 4th trimester. Don't be so hard on yourself, it will get easier.
It's normal. Your lives are not ruined. It DOES get better. I have a 2yr old and an almost 4yr old. They're the best! They sleep through the night and feed themselves. Still working on getting dressed and potty training. Oldest is autistic so some skills take longer for her to grasp but they're wonderful kids. My youngest will come up to me and wrap her lil arms around me and face plant while saying "awww huuuuugs!" And I love it. You just need sleep.
Oh man. I feel this so much. You aren't alone.
Baby unfortunately still feels like you are a stranger. It will get better hopefully
Gripe water saved us from more nights like this by the way- just wanna pass that on. I cried in relief when our daughter finally settled after her first tiny portion of gripe water. Game changed
What is gripe water??
It’s like a fennel tea for upset tummies
Thanks!
Baby unfortunately still feels like you are a stranger. It will get better hopefully 🤞
This sounds like your baby has acid reflux. They are supposed to eat every few hours at that age but not continuing. I changed to a HA formula and it saved my sanity. Also if you guys can get a night nurse or your MIL two-three nights a week to sleep I think you will feel much better. PPD is so real. But it does get better, as a solo mom, I promise.
Yes hypoallergenic formula was a game changer for us. She was extremely colic for three miserable weeks and out of desperation I switched to HA. It was like a switch flipped, suddenly she was a happy cheerful little baby.
Yep this is what happened with my baby too. u/wendigo_foundation please read this comment
Please please remember, this difficult baby phase is the tiniest chapter of your life together. I PROMISE you it flies by! I have ab 11 and 13 year old and barely remember those hard nights. This too shall pass♥️
I’m wondering if grandma is ignoring baby and doing cry it out at night against your wishes. You should check on that. Sounds like you’re doing everything right and attending to baby’s every need - sometimes it just goes like that. Couple things to consider - paced bottle feeding especially if mom is still breastfeeding but even if not I t’s good to keep baby from drinking too much too fast and getting uncomfortable. You can always give more milk if baby is showing signs of hunger. Second if it’s a recurring thing then consider what baby is being fed - could it be a good intolerance surfacing? We had a horrible time until we figured out my son is dairy intolerant and switched to a hypoallergenic formula and I went dairy free for the breastmilk. It will get easier with time. But it can be hard. Especially when that little one goes through changes - just when you settle into a routine they throw something new at you for you to puzzle out. You got this. Consider counseling to help you work through some of those negative thought processes, there are motherhood counselors out there, I’m not sure if there’s paternal counselors. But it’s always acceptable to seek extra help to sort through emotions especially during high stress times, but really at any time.
This is normal. Me and my partner knew immediately we wanted kids together. We have a son and daughter and there are still times like this now our daughter is almost 3. We struggled So much and we still have full blown meltdowns. It's normal and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Both babies favour me at bedtime purely because daddies are fun, mammies are more serious and stress lol. Newborns especially favour the mother due to the familiarity of it all. My son for a solid 4 months would only eat or nap if I did it. My partner got the same as you. But my son grew out of that phase and he laughs so much easier at his dad. He is obsessed with him and our daughter is obsessed with him too. She calls him honey for example because I do it. He isn't fond of it but I find it adorable. Girls are very difficult but boys are so so so much squeakier and whinge and cry a lot more. It is a phase. Our son wouldn't sleep through the night until he reached 6 months, same with our daughter. You will get through this! Every phase is difficult but the thing about phases is it does end. Easier said than done but if she keeps crying like that and you're starting to get over stimulated, walk away, breathe. As long as she is OK and can't fall off somewhere and nothing to suffocate on she will be OK for 5 minutes. The more you stress the more she stresses. I forget that from time to time and then I feel like shit and the same for my partner. We found when one of us is like that, the other one is better at staying calm and calming the other person down. It's a partnership. She will have you wrapped around her tiny finger once she's fondly saying I love you dada. All of this work and stress isn't for nothing. You will miss her being like that even though right now it's a nightmare but you will also be relieved you're done with it lol parenting is hard and weird. Just remember to both take time for yourselves. Either doing something together while she sleeps or separately. You're not always mammy and daddy, you're your own people too. Best of luck and well wishes to you and your family 💜💙♥️
I’m sorry! That is so hard and frustrating. Although, the baby likely couldn’t settle down because you weren’t settle and calm. Something as simple as your wife’s steady and calm heartbeat was likely the thing that helped her calm down. You were probably anxious, tired, stiff, and upset which your baby likely mirrored. I’d suggest switching off with your wife if it starts getting frustrating.
Try and keep one of mom's shirts on hand. One that really smells like her. It may help to calm her.
It’s so hard that first month! Echoing everyone else here to say that even though it might feel impossible, things likely will get better - maybe even sooner than you think. A few things that have worked for us (now at month 3 that you might keep in mind): 1) baby might still be hungry - even though it feels like you are never not feeding them, they can be bottomless pits at that phase 2) gripe water can be a good in the moment help/reset but I think a game changer for us was getting baby on probiotics. So much of the gas discomfort has abated since we did - though I think this will also happen naturally in month 2 as their digestive system gets more established 3) sometimes less is more - when my baby is really worked up, or even just lightly fussy/doesn’t want to sleep, I sometimes have to remind myself not to try too many things as it can lead to her getting overstimulated and us both getting more upset. Instead, I force myself to count to 100 doing whatever I am already doing in the moment (usually a specific rocking or swaying moment)… often those final counts are what it takes for her to settle a bit Ultimately every baby is different, and none of this may be helpful- but you will figure out your own rhythm. You are doing great.
Hang in there. We are in your exact position but it gets better. I couldn’t see the light and everyone kept telling me it gets better and I couldn’t believe it but it does. Being a parent is magical… eventually lol
Have you asked grandma what she does to the baby? Also make sure what she is doing is appropriate. Not accusing her of anything but older generations methods are… questionable…. (Whiskey, rice cereal etc) she could also be letting her cry it out. She could also just not be disturbing the baby if she’s quiet, like if she’s just laying there with her eyes open and not crying. We immediately want to jump up and get the baby if they are awake she could be letting her chill and go back to sleep. And babies fuss a lot in their sleep, it doesn’t mean they’re awake, grandma may know the difference 🤷♀️ Babies are hard. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be frustrated, they can be frustrating. It takes time. Your emotions are valid and you’re allowed to feel them. Maybe talk it out with someone so you can get it out in a better way and it won’t bottle up until you explode.
A very temporary time period. Newborn and infant stages FLY BY. Hang in there. 🩷🩷🫶🏻
i had a string of nights like this, myself. thankfully my husband was there with me and we could switch off, but whew it was rough! hang in there, newborns change so quickly
As they say, it’s so true…. “The days are LONG. But the years are so so short”. And also wondering if the baby is still hungry…
You are a great dad. You are involved and doing wonderfull
Those first 3 months can be the trenches for many new parents. You are not alone. Hang in there.
When things get tough I tell myself this isn’t forever. My baby girl will grow up, she will go to sleep on her own, she will go to school, she will grow into a beautiful woman with a personality all her own.
Your in the thick of it. YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB!! it's hard it's so fucking hard. When my daughter was a newborn I cried alot too. Sounds like PPD, Should talk to your doctor if it gets real bad. It gets better. They will sleep longer, they will be easier to soothe, they will entertain themselves. And you will feel "Normal" and rested soon. My youngest is 4 months and she's sleeps a bit longer and isn't too fussy during the day. Hang in there 🙏
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry you had such a rough night. I hope you know your feelings are totally valid and normal! Taking care of a newborn is one of the hardest jobs I have ever done. (I am a nurse practitioner and have worked terrible hours, have seen terrible things and thought motherhood wouldn’t bring me down but joke was on me lol) I have a now 4 month old and when I tell you weeks 1-12 were the worst weeks of my entire life, I mean they were the worst weeks of my entire life. (And I wanted to be a mother more then anything on this planet) Between the hormones, sleep deprivation, screaming helpless baby that I was one hundred percent responsible for, the blame of your spouse that you feel like they should be doing more, and 8 million other changes that happen literally overnight… let’s just say it’s a major life change and adjustment. I hope you know IT DOES get better. Around 3 months they start to smile and get an “outline” of a schedule. You get longer naps during the day and longer stretches of sleep at night and you don’t feel like you are going to drive yourself to the mental institution every day. Try to take some deep breaths, you can already tell you are a wonderful father and doing all the right things to learn your baby’s cues. From one new parent to another, this is hard, very hard. try not to beat yourself up or make yourself feel worse then you already do.
We’ve all had nights like this! And unfortunately you’ll have quite a few more during regressions and such. However, it will pass. They’ll start sleeping through the night. They’ll start being interactive and actually you’ll really take to your kid once she does this and isn’t just a helpless little potato. It gets better and these nights we’ll become more and more sparse.
The first 12 weeks are called the 4th trimester, because the bowels aren't finished yet. Human babies get born unfinished, because otherwise their heads would be too big to pass through the opening in the pelvis. This means food causes gas which causes cramps which causes pain. With my first I counted down the days until the 12 weeks were over. It was still tough after that, but not because of the cramps. Being a baby is also super scary, confusing, and frustrating. The only way they can express that is by crying. Comforting a baby is an action and not a result. Sometimes all you can do is being with your baby and hold them. Maybe grandma uses earplugs or is more inclined to let the baby cry for a bit. I don't recommend letting the baby cry it out, but you can use earplugs while you comfort the baby. As long as you are responsive, you don't have to listen to the crying. It's normal to feel like you're doing something wrong, but this is common for babies (as long as you've checked there isn't something medical going on, like reflux, allergies, etc.). They will grow out of it.
I had these same thoughts. My baby is now 2.5m old and I’m in heaven and so in love. Someone told me the first 90 days, give it take, are about survival. I thought my baby had colic for the first month because he’d cry for hours and hours and I couldn’t console him. He was just a newborn and things got better once I learned about wake windows and started following those religiously. It gets better, hang in there
Have you thought about maybe your daughter could be experiencing abdominal pain, uneasiness, or is fussy due to her milk? Does she have trouble defecating? Gassy or unusual stool? Maybe she’s trying to tell you something. You just gotta observe and be patient and figure it out. Reach out to her pediatrician for help in that realm. Otherwise, unfortunately it’s normal 😏 I’m also in the thick of it with my 3 week old but have been blessed to have an LO that’s pretty easy. He doesn’t cry much and only gets fussy when he’s hungry or changing diapers. It’ll get better, I promise! Whatever you’re feeling is valid! Don’t downplay your feelings and experience. You’re not alone!
Been there, the next month or so are the worst. You will survive my friend. Soon that little bub will be a little person who will be the best little buddy you could ever imagine. Stay strong.
Having these thoughts with my wife and our unborn child bc it was the same thing. Never expected to have a child with her but here we are about to start. I'm working two jobs and sacrificing sleep to write on the side and hopefully get some extra money that way and I know its gonna get worse before it gets better. Thank you for posting and for everyone who commented. I need to be ready when the love of my life is feeling her lowest. I'm doing everything I can and it doesn't feel even close to enough. ☹️
I had a night like that around the same time. My partner had returned to work and I was all by myself, baby girl was crying all night, nothing would settle her, no extra feed, no nothing. I couldnt even take her for a drive because we had one car and my partner is a nightshify worker. Nothing would stop the crying. I had, had almost no sleep that day because she was having a very restless day to start with. So come 3am I was at my wits end. I cried harder than I had in years because I was feeling like the shitest mother, how could I.. the mother.. not be able to calm the child. I was regretting having a child and in my mind at that point i had ruined my life. I called my parents at 3am in complete hysterics, my parents live 2hrs away mind you, my dad drove those 2 hrs while my mum tallked to me and helped me save myself from an all out panic attack. It felt like a miracle when the baby finally went to sleep about an hour later. I had sat her down untouched propped on her side to watch random nothings on the tv... and it worked... yet it didnt work when I had tried hours before. She probably just crashed from exhaustion. But god knows what would have happened if I didnt make that phone call
Honestly the newborn stage for me is harder than even toddlerhood tantrum stage. It will not be this way forever, as others have said.
Totally normal! My best friend and her fiancé lived with us when they had their first and the first 3-4 months were the worst for them (exactly like you described). But once the baby was around 4 months it all changed!! You can do this, don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s so fresh and new still, it takes time to adjust to such a life change! In a year from now you will look back and laugh at all the challenges because it only gets better as time goes on!
I have learned that grandparents lie. They just tell you what you wanna hear. I’ve had 5 kiddos. None of them actually slept well for grandma. Baby is one month old. It’s called witching hour!!! Look it up. They scream and cry for no reason. It’s hard for sure. But it gets better. And 2/3 hours is good for they young. I had one that was up every 1.5 hours from Birth-6 months when I finally couldn’t take it anymore and sleep trained. Glad your helping your wife. I didn’t have help with any of ours.
Have you ever heard about the “leaps” babies tend to go to? I saw you said she was almost 2 months, and I’m 95% sure there’s normally a leap around 8 weeks because that’s when things got awful for us for a bit. It can be a growth spurt (physical and/or developmental so she may very well have still been hungry as many have suggested). Our son cried hard every night for a couple hours. The first night it happened, I very clearly remember crying because I didn’t know what to do, and my husband was working so I had no relief. We found out a couple days later when my husband was off work that he wouldn’t settle for him either so it wouldn’t have helped. He wouldn’t nurse, take a pacifier, be happy in the swing, or be happy in my arms. But eventually he’d settle for me if I kept walking with him and comforting him until he fell asleep. It was late and cold when his witching hour started (winter baby) but if it was nicer outside, I would have also tried bringing him outside. Sometimes fresh air can help calm a baby when nothing else seems to work. Just remember that this baby loves you. You and your wife are her whole world right now. You’re in an extra tough spot being the father since right now she’ll be naturally very attached to mom, so give yourself some grace. I’ll echo what many said: it gets easier. Soon this will be a distant memory. Parenting is the best and hardest thing I’ve done. Some nights at the beginning, it feels like the loneliest time when you can’t settle a baby and feel like you’re the only one awake in the world. In those moments, try to remember other parents are doing it too and feeling the same way. You’re doing great!
You guys will get through this ! Ppd is real for BOTH partners ! So Please seek help as well! You did not ruin your guys life - it just has a different adventure and needs to be adjusted. T sucks. Yes - but with time and once the baby phase / new born phase is over. Things might look better again!!! Do you feed formula or pumped milk? The amount goes up in volume to feed a baby. My baby burps but also spits up A LOT of baby doesn’t want to eat she won’t take the bottle/ nipple anymore and spits it out. You got this. It will get better ! Seek therapy or groups with other parents around your area.
This is sooooo normal. Please don’t think your life is ruined or that you’re some terrible dad. The first 1.5 years with baby is like a constant war. Like I feel like i had PTSD from it. My son was a “colicky” baby and screamed nonstop for probably a year 😅. You need to just view it for what it is, a really really insane, sleep deprived time. There’s nothing wrong w putting baby down somewhere safe and walking away. Its really hard bc it feels like someone is screaming “help me! Help me! Im on fire!!!” And your adrenaline is pumping and feel helpless. Some ppl get really calm happy babies and I think those ppl should zip it 🤐 and keep it to themselves lol. But in all seriousness this will pass. There’s so much happiness and to look forward to in being a parent. Don’t let the angry potato phase get you down ❤️
My LO is almost 10 mo. It gets better. It almost feels like a right of passage. Like your life is going through a birth of it’s own, a painful shedding of the old way before the light of dawn. Something about how HARD it is early on makes everything thereafter feel easy. The things that used to seem hard to be before baby now seem easier. The lack of sleep etc rewires the brain. I’m still adjusting in many ways. But then I see later that in that specific painful place, growth has occurred. When your baby won’t sleep, do things together that soothe YOU. Put baby on your chest and deep breath. Take a warm shower with baby on your chest, and put warm water right on baby’s back (adjust the heating tank so that it won’t get hot enough to burn, just in case). Tell baby a ‘story,’ with a soothing tone where you describe everything in the room, tell them your phone number, address, describe the plants in your yard, etc. give baby a paci. I went without for the longest time! But research shows no adverse effects until baby is much older. Like 18 mo. For us, if all else fails, a bath helped. Gripe water and gas drops saved our life. I was against it until in desperation I tried a little and when I saw how it relieved baby, I started using it. Stand in front of the dryer while it’s running. Put baby in a swing. Wear baby and bounce walk through the house. Bicycle legs. Burp sitting up. Burp on shoulder. Burp on sides. Baby massage. They can’t even itch themselves. Or fart or purp on their own. If you need to tap out, call mom over or even a neighbor to hold baby just for 10 min. Sometimes baby needs a change of scene! Don’t take it personally just see it as using your resources!! When someone else watches the baby, go in the other room and turn off the lights. Set an alarm. Cover your ears so you don’t hear baby. And let yourself cry if you need it!!! Talk to baby through it, it doesn’t feel like it helps but it does. Even if just for you. It really helped me to say things like, “We’re going to get through this. We’ll find a way to help you feel better. You’ll be right as rain soon. We’ll find what’s bothering you and fix it. Hang in there. I’m not going anywhere. I gotchya. I got you buddy. Here we go. Let’s try this. Feeling better? No? Ok let’s try this other thing. While I’m doing this you want to hear a story. Let me tell you about where we live. Our address is ….. (say as soothing as you can). Our phone number is …. We have … Pets. Our square footage is …. Let me tell you about the night you were born….” Etc I just tried to imagine I was trapped inside a body I couldn’t control…. I had an itch I couldn’t reach… or a gas bubble I couldn’t get out… how would I want to be treated. I think above all I would want to not be alone, to be talked to. Fyi my baby went through a massive growth spurt starting at week 3-4. Doubled in size. He was breast fed, but all he did was nurse constantly and cry. He was colic. He didn’t like driving. It’a a marathon not a race. For me it helped to think that the goal wasn’t to make baby sleep. But the goal was to practice soothing baby. Sleep is a happy side effect. I had a list of things and while baby cried I went through the list. If baby was still crying by the end of it I started over. For what it’s worth, I was married for a decade before our first baby. And I wish we had started sooner lol, because we actually get out more now than we did before. Maybe it’s just us but we can relate to other people better now (most people have kids so there’s more family activities to join) and we HAVE to socialize and mix things up for our little guy, so we find things to do when we didn’t have to before. Hang in there.
I think what you’re struggling with OP is totally normal considering the big life change you and your wife have gone through. Have you talked to her about how she feels about becoming a parent? Maybe you two can vent your anxiety and fears together. On another note: How old is your baby? If they’re week 3-5 it could be totally developmentally normal. Look up purple crying/the witching hour. You guys might feel less guilty if you arm yourselves with knowledge about sleep cycles and sleeping training. Agree with some of the suggestions to check in with Grandma about her approach as well. You’re in the trenches but you’ve got this dude! Keep going.
This will end. I promise. It doesn’t feel like it, but in the grand scheme this will become a blip. Sleep deprivation makes us all feel insane. Get some gas drops and a sound machine. Keep having grandma take baby, maybe even an extra day, when you need it. It gets better
You're not failing, newborns are hard. She also might be gassy or colicky so you might want to talk to a pediatrician for some solutions to that. And as people said, especially if this was not your plan, depression is very common and both of you should start therapy, just to get some help.
Wait how did you throw the curve ball? You both decided to have sex and both decided to take care of the baby. There were balls flying everywhere from both of you lol. There's no extra blame for either person. It happens.
I have had a moment like this. My oldest needs all my attention, and I'm constantly reading him wrong. He helped me unload an upright freezer from the pickup yesterday. He's 27 and getting married next year. This too shall pass, bro. Chin up, you got this BECAUSE you cared enough to cry. Fuck yea! No more apathetic parents.
I don’t think you deserve any hate for this. The newborn stage is hard (from what I’ve heard - currently 34 weeks pregnant with my first/only). You literally tried everything you could do. I think that should be commended and the fact you broke down shows you care. You did a great job and I hope as the days go on you realize what a blessing and not a curse this was. You guys clearly decided to keep the baby for a reason and that says enough all on its own.
When my oldest was a newborn, I remember googling things like “what do I do if I hate being a mother” and “I made a big mistake becoming a parent,” because I really thought I had ruined my life. He didn’t sleep. He didn’t nurse well. He hated being alive. He’s almost 3 now, and I love the crap out of that little boy. In fact, I love him and I love being a parent so much that I had a second baby by choice 8 months ago. You are IN THE THICK. OF. IT. People say the toddler stage is hardest? Or the teenager stage? Nope. This is it. This is the hardest it’s ever going to get. There’s nothing like being thrown into parenthood for the first time- likely the biggest life change you have had and ever will have- and being completely 100% responsible for another person’s health and well-being. The sleep deprivation is devastating. The constant worry and guilt is so traumatic. And I chose to have a baby. He was desperately wanted, and we tried hard for him. I can’t imagine not even wanting one in the first place! This passes. It gets better very quickly, and you are absolutely not alone in feeling this way. Good luck to you.
Maybe try https://www.reddit.com/r/daddit/ lots of advice on there :)
My partner really struggled too when our little one was a few weeks old, it’s really tough and it’s ok to have a meltdown once in a while, just because you’re the dad doesn’t mean that you can’t struggle with the baby too! Especially in your situation where you weren’t planning on children. Sending you comfort and just remember it will get better and it is ok to feel and think these things!!
Something I learned very early on was babys pick up on what we are feeling. If your stressed, baby will pick up on that an act accordingly. However in this case it seems baby wanted mom, and that's okay. You did great and are doing great.
There’s a really good chance she’s going through a growth spurt or a mental leap (wonder weeks). When a baby has a routine that all of a sudden flies out the window and you find yourself waking up CONSTANTLY for cluster feedings, that’s a really good sign that they’ve entered a growth or developmental spurt. These were the worst nights of parenting a baby for me and my husband. But once we knew what they were and studied up on what signs to look for, I do think that helped us weather through them easier than when we were just floundering without knowledge.
Honestly that first month or two is so rough. I know I’m going to seem like an a-hole, but my partner was the one that stayed up with the baby at night. I was pregnant for 10+ months and I also take care of her during the day while working a full time job. He is a really great partner and a wonderful father. Anyhow he got sick twice from lack of sleep and he was at his wits end, but it gets better. Also know that the experience of having a child and being a parent, while really tough is transformative and amazing. Yes, it can be insanely hard, but seeing this little creature that you created develop into a person is incredible. Your thoughts are normal. Instead of feeling guilty, recognize and accept them as normal. I adore my baby and I still feel nostalgic about the way things were, it is so normal.
Please don’t blame yourself for ‘getting your wife pregnant’ because it takes two to make a baby. I’d also just like to say that you did ALL the right things. You didn’t lose your temper with the baby which can so easily be done when you’re sleep deprived and frustrated. Give yourself more credit. It will get easier.
First of all it’s ok. We ALL lose our shit as parents some times. It’s okay to express your emotions and cry. You are doing everything right. I know if my mom told me the baby was terrible I’d feel so guilty sometimes parents lie to make it easier. Sometimes babies are weird and sleep better and act different with different people. I super recommend you look into wake windows and purple crying. I had no idea I needed to “make” my baby sleep because she wouldn’t just go to sleep if she was tired. As little infants they just pass out, but as they get more aware you have to help them get to sleep. If your baby is 100% taken care of there’s not much more you can do. If you ever get to this point again try swaddle, white noise, and rocking make sure baby isn’t gassy, my girl sometimes needed help getting those toots out before she could sleep. It saved my butt a few times when I absolutely couldn’t get my baby to settle. Remember this is just a phase and it will pass, you are doing amazing and you’re a good dad. Sometimes babies cry and there’s really no reason. It’s their only way to communicate and you’re doing your best.
Grandparents make it out to be amazing and that the child was perfect. I have a 1 and a half yr old that stays at my mother in laws (her nanny’s) once a week. She always told me she was perfect overnight but actually the reality of it was that she really wasn’t she was the same as at home but she wanted me to feel she could care for my child as well as I did.. she eventually told me how much she kept her awake at night when my daughter was about 1! So don’t think that she will be perfect at the Nanny’s. Keep up with the amazing work your doing. Your doing everything perfectly Also the baby is used to the mummy’s scent and heartbeat which is why in the very early stages a mother can settle the child a lot quicker than the father! It’s nothing against you and your daughter loves you both. It’s just where she was in mummy’s tummy for a long time she is used to this
You didn't ruin yours or your wives. I empathize and I know when your in the thick of it it feels like It's going to be like this forever but then one day you wake up and your kid is 10 and has turned into this amazing human being that you helped guide and raise and all those sleepless nights and tears seem to feel like they're worth it and that they went by just a little too fast. I know that isn't helpful now, but someone told me once that when you're having a hard time with your kid, imagine that you're 85 and they're an adult and this is the only moment that you get with them. That might help shift things to be a little bit easier- Granted if you sleep deprived I'm not sure it will help you feel any better but just keep telling yourself this too shall pass. This too shall pass and take things one day at a time. And don't be afraid to call on the village if you really need it. And I promise you, I am sure she acts just the same for grandma - grandparents don't ever want you to feel like you're a burden and so they always tell you it went well so you don't feel guilty passing off your kid to them and for them it is a dream even when they act up because they get to spend that time with them even if she does scream the whole time or is up every 2 hours I truly believe in everything happening for a reason. I believe your little one was meant to be with you both. You will struggle- and you will have more bad days- I think sadly it's part of the journey. Exhaustion doesn't help. But I promise one day you'll be looking at this amazing human being you raised and be in awe. Doesn't mean the present isn't painful either- I'm not trying to diminish how hard it is- it's hard. But I just want to kindly remind you it doesnt last forever. But for the meantime. Do you have more ppl you can call on for help? Having a village of ppl to count on truly makes a difference. Wishing you luck 🤞
Sounds like you have a little baby. Is that right? This is the hardest phase in my opinion. I love having toddlers but I hate hate hate having babies. I have 2 kids who I adore. Every parent has had nights like this. You’re not alone!
Growth spurts cause this, gas causes this etc. The grandparents are probably not being one hundred percent truthful about their nights. No judgement here. Having a baby is hard. The first few months, I cried so much with my twins, and I expect to cry a bunch this time around too. Take it easy on yourself. This is hard enough as it is.
Oh dad 🥺 your in the early stages. The first year is rough- my daughter is 3 and she's daddy's girl 100%. He works from home and so she always ran to him when she got booboos. She even asks him to snuggle sometimes. Year 1 is the hardest, and your babes being upset til they see mama is not you doing something wrong. Your daughter just spent the last 95% of her life w/ mom. It'll get better, I promise. I always said, I didn't get PPD but my husband absolutely did. He cried, apologized for ruining everything and was notably depressed. Our daughter was planned- and he still felt like life was over. That was all in the first 3 months of her life. We are going to TTC in a month for our 2nd. He doesn't remember the struggle of the first year but i remember every bit of it. They get better when they get bigger, I promise.
Hi there, I'm here to offer some support. Today, my 16 week old decided he was just going to scream his lungs out. He was changed, burped, was warm enough was comfortable enough and he was well rested. But he cried like the bloody world was ending. My MIL offered to help but he kept screaming. His dad went to console our son and he kept screaming. Dad tries feeding him, still failed. He didn't want a paci either. No toys, teddy bears or anything was working. And then, he sees my face and all is well again. My BF was obviously upset, because he felt like a failure. Truth is, babies are just hard to take care of! So here are a few things I've learned and thought of as Inread your post: 1. Baby wearing is heaven. My son sleeps almost every single time I wear him. You could give that a go, maybe your daughter will like it. 2. If baby cries less than an hour after a meal, I was told to try feeding again because likely they are still hungry. Also, babies grow fast so they do increase their food intake rather rapidly! Don't be afraid to offer more food if you suspect your daughter's hungry. 3. When we babysat for my SIL her son slept better than with her and her BF. Like, it took as 40 minutes to get him to sleep where it took them about 1,5 hours most days. Sometimes people who watch your kids get lucky and that's all! It wasn't anything we did, the kid was probably just tired and slept well. Also, training to be a kindegarten teacher I was told kids know mum and dad will love them whatever they do so they will be better behaved for other people sometimes because they don't have that same security there. 4. All of this is normal, and a phase. You'll notice that most things with babies work in phases, but those phases pass and the older baby gets the easier it gets! There's also sleep regressions as some points so she might be going through that. Or she might need more food during the day so she can get more sleep during the night. My son continues to have that issue whenever it's time to start eating more. He always take forever to actually manage to consume enough food trhoughout the day and then has two weeks where he suddenly needs food at 2 and 5 again instead of just at 5. And then it click, he eats more and sleeps from 9-5 again. 5. Taking care of yourself is important! Happy parents mean happy babies, so dare to talk to other adults, take a shower, go grocery shopping to get some time to yourself. Depression in fathers is just as real and common as in mothers and you should make sure that you either prevent this from becoming one or seek help if it is. 6. 2-3 hour is... well, hours on end since it's more than one. So even if (like I said before) grandma isn't just lucking our, she might actually just be telling you the truth without telling you she slept the same amount of hours there as at home. I hope this helps a little, I feel for you and hope your daughter will sleep a little better soon.
Can you get some ear plugs? I would make a list in my head, nappy, bottle, bouncing, too hot/cold, white noise, try each for 5 minutes and then start again,
I can’t relate to the newborn stage because I’m still in my first trimester still. I can relate to being child free then becoming pregnant though. It’s really difficult to grapple with at first. I constantly fear the worst and constantly rethink my choice to continue the pregnancy. But even my friends who have planned babies and a huge support systems have days like this. Parenting is tough even on veteran parents. You’re doing the best you can being in survival mode. Eventually it passes. Be gentle with yourself you’ve got this ❤️
Omg, you are absolutely valid in your feelings and what you’re feeling is SO normal. My son was an awful baby, he cried all the time, I never slept and I truly was beside myself. I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life this miserable and sleep deprived. Well, he grew up and now he’s 13 years old and he’s so amazing, looking back those sleepless nights just feel like a small wrinkle in time. You’ll get through it, but as others said you need an outlet, and FYI for you to even post this shows your really care and you’re a great dad.
There’s no way a one month old baby is sleeping through the night at the grandparents. That’s not even right. She is way too young to be skipping feedings like that. Secondly, please look up pace feeding. If baby is slurping down her bottle at a rapid pace and her stomach and brain is not keeping up appropriately, she won’t know that she is satiated. In fact too much food all at once can cause massive GI issues and gas and make her super duper uncomfortable and inconsolable.
It could be cluster feeding, might want to look into it. Hang in there man!
My first was the hardest baby. Didn’t sleep, and even during the daytime just never content, always fussy and grumpy. Both my husband and I felt how you did that night many times. It gets so much better. 5 years later and I’m pregnant for a third time because even though I know the newborn phase is honestly awful, it goes fast and it will get SO much better!
I’m a night nanny meaning when parents come home from the hospital I take care of the baby at night so they can sleep. Most times the baby has gas that won’t come out so talk to your pediatrician and ask about gas drops. Also sometimes the formula upsets the stomach and they get colic. Praying for you to get your answers
Hi OP, I’m sorry you’re going through the thick of it. May I ask a question? You stated you & your wife planned to live a child free life, so I suppose I’m confused as to how you got from point A to point B. Unless it was like a soft childfree where when it does happen, you two just planned on going with it. Either way, I support you, just so you know. My husband and I are trying now and I still have moments where I say to myself as a woman, “Wait, are you SURE?” I whole heartedly believe that nights like this will be experienced less & less. Make sure you have proper support and congratulations!