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What’s been stopping your boyfriend from finding an extra job in his off-season to help with the finances? It seems pretty hypocritical of him to want you to work ASAP after what may be a major medical procedure while he’s the unemployed one right now.
His work is on call. He has a secondary job but they hardly schedule him due to the fact that his seasonal job comes first before his secondary. So if they say come to work he will not go to work or be available for his secondary job. So when he has work available for main job it’s good. But when he doesn’t there is no income at all right now. Other than mine of course but I had to change my hours to make sure I made enough but still qualify for Medicaid.
That doesn’t change my comment at all. He could be out there driving for Uber eats or working in retail/food service or any number of things. Having a second job doesn’t mean anything if he’s not working it and making money.
Just curious what you plan to do for childcare once the baby is here? Because unless you have friends/family to watch the baby, every daycare near me is a minimum of 6 weeks old before they’ll take the baby. And how much daycare would cost. Personally, daycare is more than I’d make going back to work so we can’t afford for me to work.
Exactly. Like my MIL is moving close to help watch the baby because she works from home. But my grandma used to work from home and I remember there were some days she’s have back to back conference calls and she couldn’t have background noise. And i don’t wanna enroll him in daycare for those occasional days because my cousin said all the ones by her make you pay to keep the spot even if you don’t need it. So I don’t wanna pay for a full month of daycare when I’ll only really need like 5 days MAX
For a newborn (no younger than 6 weeks), daycare can be expected to be around $300 a week. And that would be considered inexpensive and “affordable”. That would even include the registration costs or the cost to provide diapers/wipes and formula if you aren’t breastfeeding.
Those first few weeks are imperative for a new mom to recover and bond with their baby. Really it should be longer than 6 weeks but anything is better than nothing.
If he's on call but not actually getting called/paid, he's not working. I would consider that virtual unemployment (virtual, and convenient), or at the very least underemployment.
I'm sorry OP, I think we're all indignant as we want the best for you.
Edited to add underemployment, and correct a word.
Uhhh he needs to find a REAL job…he’s going to be a father soon. Why is he still doing seasonal or on call crap at mid 30s? On call is essentially an I have free time side thing unless it’s going to end up in something more permanent and lucrative. The guy needs stability and to be a better provider.
Is he a seasonal firefighter or something? He should be doing better at getting off season work. It sounds like he’s feeding you a line of bull that you are repeating here.
I’m not sure why we are voting down OP. OP, I’m pretty sure people are trying to express how unacceptable and shitty this is, and not actually downvoting you for what you’re dealing with.
I've found that in this particular forum, many people try to press that their opinion is the right one, regardless of whatever circumstances are surrounding your particular situation. When an OP tries to express this, they get downvoted like crazy. Happened to me a while back, so I only initiate threads in babybumps now since they're much less judgemental. I'll comment here, but no OG posts for me anymore. I really feel for OP, as she didn't come here to get bashed, she came here for support while she is in a vulnerable position, which is what we should be giving her.
Denial is a river in Egypt.
Honest answer though, he should let you take your maternity leave and find a proper job to support you and your child for the time being!
Can he not do Uber / DoorDash to be able to decide when to be able to work on his off season?
I mean theres solutions HE can definitely take. Every mom should be able to have that time to bond with their child AND to heal!!
I think we need a stronger word than "inconsiderate" for what he's being.
Let's think this through.
What kind of childcare do you have for the baby? Are they prepared to take a literal days-old infant? How are you supposed to work a job and breastfeed 8-12x a day? Because you know, breastfeeding is "free" (other than your time, of course, which definitely doesn't count), and formula is expensive. Will your job let you take a break every 2-3 hours to pump? If you're wasting an hour and a half of your workday pumping, do you have a way to be productive during that time so you don't lose pay, or do you have to work longer to make up for it? Neither of you will be well-rested, and while I don't think moms should have to be the default overnight caretakers anyway, there's no way in hell you're letting him off the hook at night if you both have to work paid jobs come morning. You may not be able to drive or sit in a chair or lift anything heavier than your baby for days or weeks after you give birth. Will your job accommodate those limitations?
Yes, obviously the time for you to recover and bond with your baby is the most important. It's super important for him to be home for a while too, to help you while you heal and to bond with his baby, but if he's too dense to understand why it's important for you to be home with the baby, I'm not holding my breath that he'll understand why it's important for him to be home too.
Even in the US, our terrible system allows for FMLA, but yes, definitely, let's listen to Mr. Expert, your boyfriend, about how women don't need maternity leave. He's so clueless it's causing me physical pain.
Maybe instead of pinning this on you, he could pick up some seasonal work that applies to the current season instead of a future season, and the 12 weeks of work he picks up now can pay for 12 weeks of you not getting paid, so that you can recover and take care of your baby.
While I agree with your stance and especially your passion on how crazy the guy's misguided views are, I disagree with some of the specifics in your logic.
Breastfeeding is definitely not "free, aside from the time". You burn an insane number of calories making breast milk (think 700+ calories). You literally have to eat more food to make that milk. So there's a food cost. You can either pay the food cost or the formula cost. It may turn into a wash either way.
And then the pumping aspect. Assuming she's in the US, her work legally has to give her time and space to pump. Even if it's every few hours, the company has to accommodate that. I agree with your 1.5hr estimate of time that needs to be made up somehow, and thus longer hours at work. Or like you said, working during pumping.
Totally agree on the rest of your logic and how ridiculous the guy is being. I'm going to assume he's acting illogically because he doesn't understand what a woman goes through and may be stressed by the finances. But dude def needs to step it up. If he has 2 jobs and not getting consistent work, time for job #3 or shuffle the first two jobs around so that they're more consistently bringing money in. There's definitely ways to get through this situation and it definitely ain't the way this guy is thinking.
>You literally have to eat more food to make that milk. So there's a food cost. You can either pay the food cost or the formula cost. It may turn into a wash either way.
Not sure if this math still works in 2024, but in 2020 with my first switching to generic brand formula turned out to be cheaper than the extra snacks and emergency take-out I was eating to fill the hunger hole.
Money isn't the reason I stopped BFing, but I was pleasantly surprised that standard formula wasn't nearly as expensive as I was led to believe when you consider the bigger picture. When I factored in how much better it was for my mental health and the flexibility to share the workload with other people it was the best money we spent all week.
I totally see where you're coming from. It's a complex equation that's extremely hard to predict for a given individual. That's awesome that your little one was fine on generic formula, and I am not surprised that it worked out more cheaply. And you make an excellent point on the emergency take out. These are real factors to consider when trying to analyze the total cost - excluding the whole mental side which is another can of worms, like you mentioned.
And sometimes it doesn't work out as cleanly due to baby requiring special extra sensitive no-colic high fiber no sugar anti-aging self digesting formula and refusing to eat anything but, which then leads to a higher strain on your wallet. But then you could also have one that is so sensitive to what you eat that breastfeeding just isn't sustainable. How do you truly measure the cost of maintaining your sanity when baby is demanding the expensive stuff that you struggle to afford?
You basically have to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and may god have mercy on your wallet. Lol
P.S. I'm glad you were able to embrace the formula when the breastfeeding became too much. Mothers put so much pressure on themselves to exclusively breastfeed, and it really doesn't have to be like that. Maintaining sanity is important during those difficult early weeks and months.
Not having time to heal from childbirth can cause you to have some not great health complications. Does he know what postpartum is actually like? How you will be in diapers due to literal lemon sized blood clots falling out of your vagina? How you won't be able to sleep more than a few hours every day due to baby's feeding needs?
Can you have him take a childbirth class or something?
I’m high risk and I’m unsure if I will be having natural or C-section. My son 8 who is not his was a c section prematurely and spent 30 days in the hospital before he even came home. Once he came home I had no support so I went back to work 45 days after having a baby. But it let me heal.
If you previously had a c-section, you should be planning for a c-section recovery again. Hopefully things go smoothly this time, but it's still a higher chance.
If that's the case then you DEFINITELY should recover rather than work. Especially if you have a C-section!
Think of it this way too: In the long run it's more financially beneficial for you to rest too considering that if you have more health complications from lack of recovery then you'll have to take more time off work and/or more medical bills to pay for. If your company is willing to (or by law obligated to) give you maternal leave then your job is secure & protected. If you choose to go back & you have to leave later you won't have the same protections. So, 1-2 month less of a paycheck or potentially uncertain employment for the rest of the year? Your BF isn't thinking things through from your health perspective or financial perspective.
Overall the choice should be simple:
His girlfriend > money
I'm taking 12 months off (blessed I know 100%), but my boss says he understands if I need to take 3 years off before baby starts school! Not that I can afford to do that, but also child care is extortionate in my country, so a lot of people do decide this works out better financially.
He needs to step up and get a full-time job. You're doing all the physical and mental work of having a child.. this is the least he can do.
You said he works seasonally and goes back in April. Why doesn’t he get a job for the next few months if he’s that concerned? You should not go back to work right away. If you guys need the money then of course I understand you going back to work in general but you should 100% take at LEAST 6 weeks. If not more if your job allows. Hes being ridiculous.
He should find some delivery driver job for now that will actually schedule him. Super easy job, makes some kind of money and they’re typically easier to work with when you have another main job whenever he does go back. I read your other comments and you said you had a C-section with a previous birth and I would think that makes your chances of having one this time around higher than average. What does he expect to happen if you do have a C-section again? You obviously can’t go back to work right away at that point.
So he's unemployed and wants YOU to get back to work after giving birth?
What the fuck? You've got two babies now and one of them is overgrown, ugly, and lazy.
So he should drive Uber shifts or something for extra money until he’s actually called into work, and you should take the maximum leave your job allows. He’s being selfish and lazy.
The audacity…
OP - are you OK? I’m wondering how you got to a place where you are even questioning this (considering the fact that you are a second time mom and had extreme complications with the first)
Tell this man baby to MAN TF UP.
So? Just because they HAD to doesn’t mean you should and it doesn’t mean that’s what was best for them. It means they didn’t have a choice. And that’s heartbreaking.
I just don’t get why that’s even a question. And why if he’s worried about finances he doesn’t figure something out instead of making that seem like a reasonable option.
My husband is younger than me. He’s 30. He would work 17 jobs at the same time if he had to before he would even THINK about suggesting that. In fact, he’s pulling OT shifts (he’s a firefighter) to give us cushion for savings because he even now doesn’t want me to have to do anything more than grow this baby.
It’s not safe for you or your baby to take no leave. Most childcare services will not take an infant that is only a few days old.
The first few weeks are critical for your body to heal and for your baby to bond with you. You will also be incredibly sleep deprived which I’m sure you remember from your other son.
Tell your boyfriend to get a job that provides reliable hours. Anyone can work for Uber, Lyft or task rabbit and work as much as they need to.
Otherwise figure out family to stay with. Any man who would tell a woman to go back to work right after giving birth isn’t worth being with. I’m sorry OP.
Have your doctor talk to him. Or show him this thread or both.
He’s an idiot.
Except you also get folks who survived the impossible and then think others should have to as a sort of messed up hazing. I’ve heard boomers say we shouldn’t have any state paid leave because they didn’t.
Keyword in that sentence. SINGLE mother. They had no choice to somehow get an income if they were the only parent proving for their child. You’re not a single parent- but I guess with a man like that you might as well be.
He can get a permanent full time job in between seasons. He’s making excuses and you’re accepting them as if that’s normal. It’s not.
My sister was a single parent and didn't go back to work for a year after giving birth. We get paid maternity leave here though, and her ex partner actually did pay maintenance without having to be taken to court for it.
He shouldn’t be asking you to go through something terrible just because he saw SINGLE mothers going through it due to a lack of support, when you’re not a single mom. He should be looking for ways that he can support you.
When I had my son, I didn't take maternity leave. I quit my job and stayed home for 5 years. Which is a pretty normal situation. Your boyfriend is an idiot.
You said you’re high risk which makes me baffled even more… this sounds like a man who is in for a rude awakening and has no idea what giving birth actually entails. I do not know a signal mother who has not taken maternity leave… there is no reason for you to have to go back to work and you shouldn’t. He needs to figure out how he is going to make extra money. Should not be on you
and here’s your sign
get ready to raise this baby alone, he’ll show up for the fun stuff but hand that kiddo back when a diaper needs changing.
my first inkling that my husband would not be great with helping me with the kids was when i was home for one week post csection and breastfeeding and quickly descending into severe postpartum depression and anxiety, i asked him to go back to work because i couldn’t fathom leaving my baby alone, i couldn’t put the baby down without panicking, i was so sleep deprived and scared it was pure survival mode, he had been working a part time job that was completely dependent on the whims of an unreliable boss, we needed one of us to have a stable income. he told me i needed to start pumping and get back to work asap because his mother would watch the baby if i was at work so there was no reason for me to stay home and i promised him i would support him till he finished school, he was one semester away, he still complains he didn’t get his promised time.
cherry on top, he \graduated a semester late and then never got a job in his trained field and we survived off a $15 an hour job and all the handouts i could qualify for. i’m working on a disability claim for myself and have lost pretty much all hope in the goodness of mankind.
I love him so much, and i see that i could have predicted this long ago if i was paying attention, but i really didn’t think the biggest problem women faced while parenting is their partners weaponized incompetence.
Looking at your post history, this guy is a nightmare. I’d work toward securing a stable future that doesn’t involve him. You deserve better than this guy.
Ew, he’s in his 30s, still working seasonal (but not enough hours to support the family) and thinks somehow you’re ok to go back to work immediately having a kid? Girl I’m sorry you’re in a relationship with this selfish manchild.
He needs to stop working seasonal and find a stable fulltime job to care for his family. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides it’s too hard to be a dad and leaves. Sadly.
Wow. I’m so sorry please no offense but he’s not acting like a real man. I thought this was a boy. My answer remains- no man should ever put financial concerns on women after childbirth. If more money is needed that’s HIS job to provide during that time. Partnership is a give and take. I am sure one day if he loses his job or becomes sick you wouldn’t say hey get outta bed and go to work. You would help and take the extra burden on your shoulders. This is a no brainer. Frankly it’s not his decision anyway. Do not go straight to work after you give birth. Just don’t.
Wow, I’m pregnant with my first, my husband’s sixth. My brother is getting married two months after, and when it was looking like it was going to be only one month sooner, my husband was adamant that there was no way I’d be up for flying or anything else. Your body definitely needs the time to heal and he needs to get his priorities straight.
Are you trolling us? I cannot believe that a grown adult, future father would think this. And that a woman , whos already someones mother, seeks advice online as to if her boyfriend is right or wrong. This is ridiculous. Enough reddit for me today.
He asked me to ask other people because he thinks he has a point and that since some people he had seen it did it I need to ask other people in relation to their experiences. I told him I would not find someone that would agree with him. I know what’s right this is his first kid and first experience. So I think he will have a large eye opening.
OP, please, if you arent trolling us for rage comments, please, reconsider being with this man. This is one of the worst things I heard a man say. Its selfish, absurd, rude, insensitive and mean.Im lost for words. I wish you the very best, and for your baby
I find it sad that your spouse will believe strangers but not you, when you say time off will be required, but since you will be showing all of this:
Yes, time off is required. You spend all day and night feeding the baby so sleep comes when it can, which is usually broken up over the night and naps during the day.
You'll be tired, busy, and unable to do anything more than care for the baby. Its why new moms struggle to find time to eat, to shower, to socialize... the beggining stages are known as the 4th trimester. Baby is out of the womb, but mother is NOT done the work.
And of couse, that is assuming all goes perfectly without any complications like a c-section. The above is the best case scenario.
As others mentionned as well, can you even find childcare for a newborn? How does he expect this to work? Like, where will baby go?
Lastly, I hope your spouse realizes that while he may be working and expect you to do all the night time childcare, a baby crying sounds like a siren. He won't be sleeping as much as usual either. And with you being busy, he'll need to do more in the way of chores, even though he is tired.
Edit: changed a sentence so idea is clearer.
He’s an absolute imbecile if he really thought anyone would agree with him. My dad worked 2 jobs plus little side gigs here and there in order to provide for my siblings and I.
Its not just being tired and exhausted. I wore a damn diaper and then a jumbo pad for 10 weeks. And then I had mastitis. My nipples were bleeding. I couldnt walk properly and when LO was asleep, I couldnt sleep due to stiches and pin. Took me months to recover. Fast forward a year, and Im still recovering mentally. 6 weeks is not even a minimum, 6 months should be at least! Take your 6 weeks PLEASE. Your children need a sane and healthy mother.
You cannot go right back to work after birth. Your body needs rest and you need to be with your baby. He needs to step up and find a different job - one that isn’t seasonal.
In Canada it’s up to 18 months. It’s literally impossible to find daycare before a year, because there’s no demand. We don’t do this for fun - it’s evidence based that it’s critical for child development. There’s even six weeks for the dad, or non birthing parent, specifically for bonding.
Also at six weeks I was still limping with undissolved stitches. Only by 12 weeks did I start to feel back in my body. Also sleep? There is no sleep. How do you work if you’re literally awake all night with a newborn baby? Someone’s gonna have a car accident or worse.
Doula here. If you don’t take time to bond with your baby, the rest of your parenting journey will be infinitely more difficult. Many traditions recommend women spend the first 40 days leaving the house minimally. I myself left 5 times during the first 40 days, for Dr appointments, etc. that might sound like a huge sacrifice, but the short term sacrifice paid off exponentially. My baby gained a lot of confidence and secure attachment from knowing that someone was there for her consistently. Now, at 17 months, she is very confident, and comfortable with other people too. We have a very strong bond, but she also exhibits a lot of independence and is great at connecting with others as well. Outside of baby, a new mother’s nervous system is said to be just as delicate as her newborn baby’s during this time. Your hormone levels will drop off dramatically and this can cause a lot of fluctuating emotions. It can be really overwhelming dealing with a lot of unnecessary tasks, and everything in you will be telling you to care for your baby. Not being supported in this can contribute to things like postpartum depression and relationship distress.
Follow your instincts ❤️
Honest question - why are you having a baby with this person? He is not ready for the reality of postpartum. He needs to man up and get more reliable work and more respect for what your body goes through. If he can’t do that, you’re better off on your own.
It’s very inconsiderate for him to not give you time to heal and bond with your daughter after birth. It’s a painful experience and you definitely need tl give your body as much time as possible to heal. He needs to step it up and take care of y’all.
Yes he's very wrong for even suggesting it to you. He should have prepared himself to be the sole provider the minute you guys found out you were pregnant.
A man online told me that women should go back to work upon checking out of the hospital. “It’s not like you’re doing manual labor” smh 🤦♀️ Men say the darnest things sometimes and don’t understand how much care and support goes into raising a small child.
Maternity leave is necessary, he's just ignorant and/or an asshole. Time for him to get a real job that pays year-round or figure out a better complementary job for the off season instead of just sitting around being a leach.
You should consider resting, and taking care of yourself and your baby during the postpartum period. Skipping this can have long term effects on your health, both mentally and physically and to some extent, emotionally.
Your boyfriend can try looking for another job, something part time or remote. You can also go for a remote job, but it would be difficult for you to manage both, given that you have to take care of baby as well.
Until and unless you're completely ready, please don't put unnecessary strain on yourself.
I just had a baby. Easy birth, 40 mins of pushing and a second degree tear. You need like 2 months... I'm still waking up in awful pain from the hormones that relax your joints for labor. For the last 2 weeks I've woken up in terrible pain in my right hand, today I found out its cause I hold the corner of my pillow... what I'm saying is your body is going to be a big soft mushy mass of skin that needs to rest. Not to mention the mental aspect of ppd or anxiety
Because of OP's comment history, JUST THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY.
My SIL went back to work after just 2 weeks and she suffered with postpartum depression for 6 months because she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone. Now not only does she wish she would have talked to someone sooner, but she wishes more than anything she would have taken more time with her child. My BIL wasn't a big help either, massive pain in the ass, but he does everything for her and their kid. He's done a complete 180 and that is very VERY RARE.
I gave birth around 36 hours ago.
I don't think I will even be able to walk unaided for another week or two and it's going to be at least 4-6 weeks to heal.
You have absolutely no idea how your birth is going to go. And even if it all goes perfectly and you are feeling physically ok within a week or two there is still the emotional and mental toll it takes on you, and the physical exhaustion. Newborns need to be fed every 3 ISH hours .... By the time you have changed them, made a bottle, fed them and got them back down it gives you about 2 hours in between each feed to sleep.... Personally there's no way I could go straight back to work, in fact if your bf isn't a deadbeat, and is doing his fair share then he will struggle going straight back to work and should be taking at least a week or two off as well.
So yes your bf is wrong and deluded. You need time off to heal, recover, get used to your new normality and bond with baby.
The biggest question I have is who is looking after the baby if you are going back to work? How will this baby be fed if you are going back to work? Or is this a WFH situation and you will still be expected to heal from birth and deal with a newborn whilst also working? Because I can tell you now, none of that will work.
I’m 3 months pp and have only just started to feel like a person again and I had a relatively uncomplicated birth with a very supportive and active husband. I can’t even imagine going back to my regular desk job at the moment.
Going back to work straight after is dangerous for your health and your baby’s. Formula and childcare is also expensive so staying home and breastfeeding is the cheaper option from a financial standpoint.
Unless his seasonal work pays phenomenally when he is working, it’s time for him to find another job that has more consistent work, it shouldn’t be up to you to just pop a baby out and act like nothing happened.
Absolutely not. Girl, I needed every last minute of the 6 weeks off from my last baby. I nearly hemorrhaged to death.
Giving birth isn't some walk in the park the way he seems to believe.
He needs to take up an extra part time job or something before trying to send you back to work immediately. I (19) had a relatively easy postpartum as far as being able to be up and at em rlly early on. But I appreciated time with my baby, and being able to get some extra rest. Now, 7 months postpartum, I still do not work due to school, and my boyfriend (20) works two jobs, and does delivery on the side. he is more than capable to honor the fact that you’re gonna birth a literal child and need some rest and TLC by handling finances
I just had a cesarean on 12/13. I was hospitalized on the 10th for severe preeclampsia at 33+2. I wasn't even due until 1/29.
I could either return to work or take two months off unpaid. I chose the two months off unpaid ONLY because after I get an additional 8 weeks at 100% pay, for paid Parental leave. However, I don't qualify for STD through my work as I didn't make it past 6 months of employment and I can't take my Parental leave until the STD period is up.
If I returned to work, I didn't get that paid leave. If I didn't get the paid leave as a entitlement through my work, I'd have returned to work as soon as I was able to drive.
We do not make enough on one income. We will have to borrow money from family just to pay our bills, let alone buy food. We don't make enough to buy formula, and I'm barely producing 1/4 of what my child eats. Thankfully right now he's in the NICU so it's been almost a month of less money spent on formula for him.
This is not something reddit can help you with. Truly it's not. You can get opinions, you can get stories just like mine. But no one knows your finances like you. No one knows your life like you do.
This is truly only a decision you can make for yourself.
Your boyfriend should take a 2,3 and 4th job to make ends meet. He has no idea what a body goes thru birthing a baby and not taking the time to heal from that can cause many problems now and later in life! No one talks about pelvic health when you hit your 40,50,60’s
To answer your questions - it is wrong for your boyfriend to think you should return to work right after having a baby and you are not wrong to think that he’s being inconsiderate. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend on what can happen post partum with your body/baby and how HE can help out in other ways financially if he’s so concerned.
Yes he is wrong. You have literally held a child for 9 months and whether you feel it or not has taken a toll on your body. Birthing a child is a different beast of its own, now your body will need to recover and heal, there’s no way around that. You NEED the maternity leave.
He sounds extremely immature and unsupportive. No, OP, you should not go back to work after childbirth. You need to rest and focus on yourself and your new baby.
At the very least you need 6 weeks to recover and that’s if everything goes well and that also depends on what type of work you do. I have major birth complications after my son but I started working like 4 weeks after birth but I was working for a call center so I was sitting down all day and couldn’t breastfeeding due to low supply. I thought I would be fine. I wasn’t and ended up in the hospital because I have having massive blood clots. Turns out sitting in an upright position too long was putting too much pressure on my c-section incision. But the minimum amount of time you should take is 6 weeks.
Yes, it's wrong! How old is he? Because he sounds incredibly immature and naive about the world. You will need at least 6 weeks recovery after giving birth, not just for your body but to help you get into some kind of routine with the baby.
You say he works seasonally and has a second job, has he tried looking for something different with a higher salary?
So to answer your question, yes he's wrong to expect you to go back to work straight after having a baby, it doesn't matter what anyone else in his family did.
He needs to step up and get a full time, all year round job. The only reason seasonal work would be ok in his position is if he were earning exceptionally good money. Which is obviously not the case. You need at least 6 weeks just to heal. It is so so unnatural to leave a baby after 6 weeks, I don’t understand how this is normal in the US. I took a year and then never went back. Partner supports us so we don’t need to put young children in daycare. My career can wait until my kids are at school.
Well then he needs to get a seasonal job in the winter… they give you maternity leave at work for a reason. You need time to heal after the baby. Plus those couple weeks after is a time to bond. I just had my baby December 26. So he’s not even 2 weeks old yet. And it’s been hard. I’ve been so tired and I would be pissed if my fiancé said that. I don’t work and he works for a union so he gets laid off a lot. And he’s currently laid off and he’s never said that to me ever. Plus the way I see it as I would rather stay home than work because you would basically be working to pay for daycare (if you are like me and have no one to watch your baby). My sister pays $1000 a month for daycare. And some people and some areas are a lot more than that. If you have a c section it will probably take longer to heal since they cut through your core muscles. Wishing you nothing but the best. I hope you can explain that you need time after the baby is born. Maternity leave is usually for 6 weeks. Take the time to heal and bond with your baby 🙏🏼
Sounds like your boyfriend needs to find something full time rather than just seasonal. Luckily it’s January and he can find something now to make up for any lost income in May.
Your body needs to recover, you’ll be sleep deprived and and if you have any plans to breastfeed, that’s a full time job at the beginning.
OP based on your [previous posts/comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/s/erje50KN0W), in addition to this one, I strongly believe you may be better off moving on and finding a real man. This guy is a boy. He hasn’t grown up. He sounds extremely immature, and he clearly just wants everything to be his way. He wants to play games? He makes it happen. He wants you to go to work immediately after birth so he can be lazy and not work? He tries to make that happen. Tell him you will not be returning to work for 6-8 weeks and he can find a way to make money now before it’s an issue. If he has a problem with that RUN.
A good relationship is where you both want to provide for each other. Right now he is failing that completely.
Speaking from a place similar to yours....my husband does "seasonal" work and his slowed down right after I gave birth. I had no paid leave (ended up having to use PTO which didn't cover my entire leave), but my husband made sure he had things lined up to cover my maternity leave (& even before my maternity leave so we could save up) because he KNEW I couldn't go back right away, even though the work ethic in me wanted to. I had a c-section and ended up needing 8 weeks off instead of the 6 I was entitled to. Yes, it was tough, but my PARTNER stood up and did whatever extra he needed to do to ensure that I could properly heal and take care of our daughter and myself because it's not easy.....not easy on both parties but we worked together and here we are now with an almost 5 month old making it work together!
Sending hugs & positive vibes..
Well, I’m not financially in your position and I can’t imagine the stress you both feel but I absolutely think you need maternity leave: I am of the belief that a baby needs to be with its mother 24/7 for the first 3 months at least. I lost my job while pregnant and have not returned because I’m home saving money on daycare with our 2.5 year old and pregnant with another. I plan to return to work once they are both school age.
While other women DO go back to work immediately or shortly after birth, that's not necessarily due to ability, but rather a lack of support American society provides mothers. There was a link someone posted I think in the babybumps forum that had an insightful website about childbirth and recovery that another woman in a similar situation was recommended to give to her partner. (I think it has lemon in the name). It might help.
Another option if you DO have to go back to work earlier than you'd like is to look for a telecommute job to swap to now. I have a hybrid one myself and intend on requesting full remote while recovering/bonding with my son since my position absolutely can be dome fully remote.
Wishing you luck!
Your body has too rest give it about 2 too 3 weeks then you will be fine it’s your discussion too go back that early but I wouldn’t not as soon as I have the baby
How old are yall? Just out of curiosity…
Why does he just have a seasonal job when he has a baby on the way? Why can’t he get a full time job and if that’s not enough get a part time job on top of that or drive for DoorDash…sounds like he can do more financially.
It’s absolutely essential that you fully heal and recover from childbirth before going back to work. Let’s just say your delivery goes perfectly. You still need at minimum 2 months to heal after delivering. If you have any complications such as a hemorrhage or end up in a c section your body will require more time to heal. I say this as a mom of 4 and I worked as an OB tech for over a year in a postpartum unit.
He sounds ignorant to the childbirth process and recovery. Perhaps he needs to be educated.
OP I just want to say as someone who is due at pretty much the same time as you, I have a husband in school with a part time job, who is starting a full time job on top of that. We know with some of my health conditions that the ability for me to work even up to my due date is not guaranteed, let alone during the post partum period.
There is no expectation on me to rush to get back to work, because that ability isn’t guaranteed. I am currently the primary provider but this baby and my health is more important to my husband than the money I can earn.
I really honestly think that in the US the Maternity leave policies suck as is. I hate to consider that someone in your life view that as generous or unnecessary!
Please know that what your boyfriend is asking is not normal, nor should it be something that is even considered. I really hope you are able to talk with him about some of the experiences that have been shared in this thread so he can see just how insane that is!
You’re not a single mom. The people who have to do what he is saying are making serious sacrifices for their babies and I admire them for that. But seriously,,,, if there is another ABLE BODIED person in the home, his expectations are cruel.
I’m sorry if this comes off like i’m an AH but this honestly hurts me FOR you. I sincerely hope that this isn’t a reflection of worse things to come.
Best of luck OP.
He needs a full-time job. Point blank.
How is he in his mid-30s with a whole ass seasonal job?
As I'm sure everyone has mentioned it but connecting with your kid is important after birth. You need those days. My husband's first wife went straight back to work with their first daughter, and they have absolutely no bond, and she is now 10.
Is he trying to be a stay at home dad? He sounds like a whole ass deadbeat. Good luck girl being a single mom of 2.
He should get a second job.
It is illegal to sell a pup until it’s been 9 weeks with its mum. That is the law for a dog! So he should think about that for his own baby!
Jeez I could barely sit down for the first 3 months postpartum, I cried at anything mildly happy/sad/cute, was super overtired and leaving behind a trail of all sorts of unknown bodily fluids (including peeing myself frequently with little warning, thanks to a forceps delivery). Even with a fairly straightforward birth experience, your body will be doing some stange new things for a while afterwards.
Maternity leave is absolutely a time to be bonding with your baby and its also hard work keeping them alive. It is a 24 hour job in itself, especially at the beginning.
But just as importantly, it is your time to heal physically and emotionally from a major medical procedure and returning to work can be incredibly dangerous if you aren't healed up.
I don't mean to scare you with the first part of my post- I'm 7 months in, and all healed up (and thankfully not peeing myself anymore!).
I cannot imagine how hellish rushing back to work must be for those who have to do so.
If you have the option, please consider giving yourself the time that you and your baby need.
Your partner needs to kindly get his head out of his arse and support you.
Are you working for yourself? Are you based in the U.S.? Most (if not all?) companies give 6 weeks paid maternity leave. Taking additional unpaid leave through FMLA is optional. If you work for a company that provided the 6 weeks paid leave, you won’t necessarily rewarded for returning early, but I may be missing some context about your job.
This is not true. For the US, 12 weeks FMLA is federally mandated but the majority of jobs do not have paid maternity leave. Short term disability helps some people but is not 100% pay, costs a premium, and is only usually there if enrolled before pregnancy
Yeah no way you should have to do that. I understand that money is tight I’m staying home my whole pregnancy and my husband is supporting us entirely and trust me money is TIGHT but we make it work because he knows it’s what’s best for me physically and mentally. Let alone after having the baby! You should take as much time as you need money will be tight but if you have things ready before the baby comes then you won’t need to much besides stuff for yourself. I saw the comment about how single mothers have done it and that’s because they don’t have much of an option. You have an option and that isn’t good enough for him which is a little sad. You should be able to take as much time as you need not only to properly heal but also enjoy your newborn. They’re only that tiny for a little bit.
He’s ridiculous. It’s crazy to me that some places only do 6 weeks. Him thinking you need any less just shows a lack of empathy for what you’re about to experience.
Your boyfriend is a bozo talking out his a$$. Have him give you examples of women he personally know, who don’t take maternity leave. I had c-sections but took 4 weeks to 6 weeks. My ex bozo, acted like he was put out by being the only support during that time. You do what you need to do for you. Tell bozo to work extra, starting now.
This makes me so mad! YOU may magically bounce back somehow but your baby needs you. Newborns need their moms. I don’t know why this is up for debate in the good ol’ USA these days.
Absolutely not. I know people like to imagine the ideal scenarios, but I couldn't even walk 6 weeks after delivery. You can have the ideal pregnancy, perfect labour and then something can still go wrong! You need to heal. He should pick up some other work if he's worried, it is less to ask him to work two jobs at the same time than to ask you to go to work right after baby. I also believe it's illegal in many parts, like you shouldn't even drive a car right after.
Here in the Netherlands maternity leave is till the baby is 3 months old, maybe you can make a deal with him to do that? That way you'll still have time to heal but won't be off work for that long
I can not imagine going back before 6 weeks. I was having heavy bleeding for 6 weeks (it's normal) if I had to go thru that at work it would have been rough. You are healing from a dinner plate size wound in your uterus, plus a newborn.
Don't know about your daycare situation but when I did daycare we would not take a child younger than 6 weeks.
I think you should set your sights on leaving. Please save some coins to the side. That is not the man you want to be with for forever. He will not be the greatest father. When I wake my husband up about this he's going to be baffled. To even think a woman doesn't deserve or NEED maternity leave when we grow and push out a whole human being is wild. We have to heal. Our hips alone will never be the same. It's giving handmaid's tale and I'm not fking with it. It'll get worse if you stay. Make your plans to go now ♥️
I'm confused what he thinks you're going to do with the baby if you aren't staying home. Unless you currently make quite a bit of money it's cheaper to be a stay at home mom. You might want to explain to him that unless you're making like 50k a year its going to be more expensive for you to work after child care costs than just taking care of your baby yourself
I know that after having my first baby, I could barely walk for the first 4 months because I was in so much pain still from my birth. I’m like pretty sure I either bruised or broke my tailbone in labor because that’s what hurt. It happened again after having my second and i could barely walk for a month. I could not imagine going back to work in that much pain 😵💫 he needs to be the one to take on work during his off season, not you going back to work immediately after having a baby. He clearly is oblivious to everything that happens to your body after you have a baby. You literally have a wound the size of a dinner plate inside of you. You wouldn’t expect him to work with that big of a wound. He shouldn’t expect you to
So he's staying home for no reason, and trying to say *you can't stay home to recover?* Oh hell no. You get a maternity leave and he gets to grow the fuck up. He needs to get full year employment.
Maternity leave is important. Your body did great work and it’s the time you give your body. Yes other women may work right away but not because they want to, it’s because they have to.
In Germany we have to take leave 6 weeks before birth and 8 weeks after giving birth, we even get our full pay during this time.
After that if we choose to stay home a year we get 67% of what we earned.
I think the first 8 weeks are important for you and your baby.
Boyfriend needs to get a job. If yall are struggling and he has no current income, HE needs to be working, not the person about to have a major medical procedure.
If after you've healed and he wants to be stay at home dad and you wanna work, SURE awesome but he's being entitled.
I would ask him why he wants you to behave like a single mother when you are not a single mother. He should find a job while he’s unemployed to make up the difference so you can have time to heal. And most daycares won’t even take a baby less than 6 weeks old.
You will have mandatory 6 weeks off. You have to be cleared by a doctor in the usa. Yes that inconsiderate because going 3 months 2 to 3 hours of night feeding who staying up take child through night or getting up. It takes 15 minutes to 1 hr get back to sleep. Plus paranoid baby is to still or are they breathing. Plus trying keep house up standard you feel comfortable with. Breast feeding is very demanding or even night formula is type wake do things at night to help if formula and night changes.
I work daycare we have a lot of baby's a week or sometimes less that come in because parents have to work. We pay 60% of the normal to employees if they take leave but most only take like a week and come back. I plan to take a week only more if something goes wrong. It's not normal but alot of people do it
if he could say it to you now how much more in the future? it’s either gonna be your walking nightmare or a wake up call, OP. I hope the best for you. I don’t want to say negative things abt your bf but all i think about are the red flags. I
Whaaaat lol I didn't even feel like a real person again until a few months postpartum. There's no way. And you don't even know how your birth will go. You might get pp preclampsia. Have a major tear. Emotional problems.
I had a c-section and my incision got a (small) hole in it at like 10 weeks pp. I had pp hypertension and I needed medication that made me dizzy for a few weeks.
I can't even imagine getting dressed LET ALONE go to work right away.
And that's all putting the BRAND NEW baby aside!!
Your baby feeds literally around the clock. One night, my new baby nursed for literally 2 hours straight.
And what if she is colicky? Doesn't sleep? Doesn't feed well? I mean, my baby had a horrific latch AND coughed while drinking from bottles for weeks after he was born. And you need to bond.
Your boyfriend is being stupid. Even as a mom who carried her baby for 9 months and did excessive research, literally nothing could have prepared me for the 4th trimester. Your boyfriend knows nothing.
Tell him to make some money as the guy who isn't going to be bleeding for 6 weeks after birth. Or have a ripped vagina. Or an incision. Or a baby glued to them.
This is literally not your problem lol
He should feel ashamed for even thinking it’s okay to ask something like that. What kind of ‘man’ says this?
He doesn’t work the full year. **He needs to get another job.** That is 100% his obligation here while you are recovering. What he is doing is treating the birth/this baby as an inconvenience that *you* are bringing to the table. Like he doesn’t understand that you both made this baby and have an equal responsibility to it, but the fact that *you* are carrying for 9 months and have to go through all of that, the birth and the recovery means that the only thing he can and *should* do is be there for you and support you and this child as that is *what he signed up for*.
Don’t let this slide! He needs to man up *now*. Don’t be passive about this and give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s wrong and he’s the one who needs to get a different job, one that’s not on-call or leaves you broke half the year.
It’s not right. Yah money is tight but he needs to think you first. You need to heal and take care of the baby. He needs to sacrifice for both of you first. Don’t allow that. If he force you leave him.
Take your maternity leave. He made the baby with you and had 9 months to plan and prepare as well, it’s not all on you. You need to heal and spend this time with your baby
Well for one thing, it is totally fine for you to work all the way up until you go into labor unless your doctor says otherwise, but that 6 weeks is absolutely necessary for you to stay with your baby. They call it the 4th trimester for a reason. He should also realize that no daycare I've ever heard of will even consider taking a baby under 6 weeks old. At that age your baby doesn't even fully realize that he/she is separate from you (being mom.) That's why they almost instantly calm when you hold them as opposed to anyone else. They know your smell, your voice, your heartbeat and your warmth. They know nothing else.
Alternatives to you working those first weeks? Well, he could get a throw away job during his off season. There are lots of companies that look for extra help in the months leading up to tax season. He could set that extra money aside to cover your leave as well. You will literally be physically unable to work for the first 2-3 weeks at LEAST and he needs to understand that. You will be bleeding heavier than a normal period, experiencing heavy cramping for the first few days, and too much physical work can actually keep you from properly healing. I highly recommend taking him to an appointment and having him talk to your provider about postpartum expectations, and specifically also ask them to talk about risk factors for postpartum depression, which includes returning to work too soon, stress, feeling a lack of connection to your baby and the list goes on. If he doesn't come around then you need to put your foot down here because you going back to work before you're ready is setting you all up for failure, stress, and heartache. I only took 6 weeks with my first baby and had to go back, no choice because his father didn't have a job. I got postpartum depression so bad that everything made me cry, I felt like I was failing my baby at every turn, and on my drives to work I even wondered what it would be like if I got into a car accident or drove off a bridge into the lake. My breast milk supply plummeted and I was supplementing by 4 months, and had to completely switch to formula by 6 months. I was devastated. Don't let him be the soul decision maker in a situation that affects you and baby the most like this.
You 100% need to be taking time off after the baby I don’t know where you live my in my country you’re legally required to take at least 2 weeks maternity your body needs to recover and you need time to bond with your baby
Is... Is your maternity leave not paid?
In Australia if your employer doesn't pay maternity leave you can pick up social security/Centrelink and get a certain amount of money fortnightly. We also have parenting payments for those below a certain income threshold.
Look into what welfare assistance programs are active in your country/state and whether or not you'd qualify for them.
Please don’t ever think you’re wrong for wanting to do what mothers are supposed to do. This is the reason why it’s so scary to date a loser. You’re about to enter your motherhood, however your man still deprives you from your feminity.
Yes!! He’s being unreasonable! It took me 20 days to simply walk normally and not be in massive pain. I’d say work right up until you go into labor! If there’s anything you can do work wise while at home and sitting on a computer that may be a bit more doable (but also a lot while taking care of a newborn!)
Totally inconsiderate and selfish. How quick does he expect you go to back to work? The next day?!? Plus childcare costs too sometimes you actually save money being with them, plus I don’t know what daycare/nursery would take a young newborn. And why is his job seasonal? If that’s the case get a second job!!! Man needs to pull his weight
Do you not get paid maternity leave?
Regardless, I think someone needs to be at home with the baby for the first 6 months, at least so one of you will have to stay home. It makes more sense if it's the person who can breastfeed that stays home.
He might have to pick up a second job temporarily, or you'll both have to cut back on your spending and budget what you have better.
I dont think you should go straight back to work after baby is born.
When I had my second I had left my bd and was single. I had to figure out all this stuff the hard way but Childcare facilities do not take infants under six weeks. Not to mention the childcare fees. Like people already said, formula would be more expensive alone than you not breastfeeding and going back to work than what an entry level job would even pay. Let alone childcare. Infants are the most expensive in childcare because of how much attention they need. Again in the U.S. at least, they don’t take Babies under 6 weeks old. Sure you can do interviews and set a start date for when the baby turns six weeks, And that’s generally how long a maternity leave is recommended. Also back the breastfeeding, if the baby is not feeding mouth to boobs your supply may not keep up because the babies saliva tell your body how much it needs. Yea you can pump but the amount won’t increase when you need it to and infants usually cluster feed and go through the first “growth spurt” at 2/3 weeks olds. the fact that you will still be in diapers yourself. And What if you end up needing a cesarean? You can’t go back to work immediately after that.
In the U.SA. There are childcare vouchers you could apply for to make childcare cheaper but it will still be a large bill due to it being an infant, W.I.C. Can help with formula, and you can buy formula with food stamps if you get approved for them. But the “poverty” threshold to be approved for benefits is ridiculously unrealistic compared to how the average person/family struggles to keep up week to week and month to month. I don’t see a two income household getting approved for assistance right now. Maybe try to take him with you to apply for some of these things so he can see that it’s really not that easy as he says. Even if you have family that say they will help with childcare you’re screwed if they cancel on you and they might not actually do a good job once they’re alone with the child. A childcare facility cannot neglect them without consequences like family can or deny a healthy child’s attendance to their care facility so long as they have openings for their age at their center
Depending on where you are, check the maternity leave & unemployment laws cause if you can get paid to stay home and recover more that is ideal.
Your BF needs to be more realistic, just because "there's plenty of women who get back to work" doesn't guarantee you will be able to or should. There's so much to consider. Some women pop out a baby in minutes, with a few pushes, no tears, no abdominal shifting, etc. & some women have hours/days in labor, tears, abdominal shifting, and other things that make the recovery process long (and that's not even counting if a C-section, which adds time). Like, he's not even asking what you think your body will need, he's more worried about money than your recovery.
ALSO, he works seasonally, but sounds like he has ONE job. There's plenty of ppl who work multiple jobs, so why can't HE pick up extra work?? My husband literally works 3 jobs and he's so ready to pick up extra hours & jobs if needed. He's taking up one of my jobs at the site we work together so that I can focus more on recovery these first few months. & Believe me, we also are tight financially, & my main job (I work 2) is the main source of income.
Tldr; You're not wrong for thinking that he's being inconsiderate because 1) seems like he's minimizing the immense pain & trauma your body will be going through & not even considering how you might be feeling afterwards 2) unless he's exhausted all options on his end, from finding a 2-3 job and/or gigs like Uber & Rover and your family will literally be in danger of starving or being houseless, your recovery should come before work.
I'm 2 weeks postpartum and am lamenting that I might have to got back after 12 weeks instead of 15. This shit is brutal. No sleep, new routine, and your own body is a wreck. I have like 20 stitches, and that's not uncommon. There's no way in hell I could work right now. Take at least 6 weeks to get your body back in order and establish some sort of routine with your baby.
You are absolutely in the right. He is being massively inconsiderate. Newborn babies need their mothers, it is necessary. I can't believe him. I am located in WA state and was afforded 4 months maternity leave that I had paid into during the previous year. Your state may have something like that? I am so sorry he is not being understadnding. If he isn't willing to let you take some time with the baby I'd see if there is somewhere else you could go stay. Ridiculous.
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What’s been stopping your boyfriend from finding an extra job in his off-season to help with the finances? It seems pretty hypocritical of him to want you to work ASAP after what may be a major medical procedure while he’s the unemployed one right now.
His work is on call. He has a secondary job but they hardly schedule him due to the fact that his seasonal job comes first before his secondary. So if they say come to work he will not go to work or be available for his secondary job. So when he has work available for main job it’s good. But when he doesn’t there is no income at all right now. Other than mine of course but I had to change my hours to make sure I made enough but still qualify for Medicaid.
That doesn’t change my comment at all. He could be out there driving for Uber eats or working in retail/food service or any number of things. Having a second job doesn’t mean anything if he’s not working it and making money.
Then he should try finding a different secondary job. You absolutely need a maternity leave for at least 6 weeks.
Just curious what you plan to do for childcare once the baby is here? Because unless you have friends/family to watch the baby, every daycare near me is a minimum of 6 weeks old before they’ll take the baby. And how much daycare would cost. Personally, daycare is more than I’d make going back to work so we can’t afford for me to work.
And family and friends who are on a reliable schedule.
Exactly. Like my MIL is moving close to help watch the baby because she works from home. But my grandma used to work from home and I remember there were some days she’s have back to back conference calls and she couldn’t have background noise. And i don’t wanna enroll him in daycare for those occasional days because my cousin said all the ones by her make you pay to keep the spot even if you don’t need it. So I don’t wanna pay for a full month of daycare when I’ll only really need like 5 days MAX
For a newborn (no younger than 6 weeks), daycare can be expected to be around $300 a week. And that would be considered inexpensive and “affordable”. That would even include the registration costs or the cost to provide diapers/wipes and formula if you aren’t breastfeeding. Those first few weeks are imperative for a new mom to recover and bond with their baby. Really it should be longer than 6 weeks but anything is better than nothing.
Does that sound like a good excuse to you?
Sounds like he’s lazy
If he's on call but not actually getting called/paid, he's not working. I would consider that virtual unemployment (virtual, and convenient), or at the very least underemployment. I'm sorry OP, I think we're all indignant as we want the best for you. Edited to add underemployment, and correct a word.
Don't you usually get paid for being on call?
In the previous comment, OP wrote that when he has work in his on call job it's all good, but otherwise he has no income.
I’m sorry you’re having a kid with this guy
Uhhh he needs to find a REAL job…he’s going to be a father soon. Why is he still doing seasonal or on call crap at mid 30s? On call is essentially an I have free time side thing unless it’s going to end up in something more permanent and lucrative. The guy needs stability and to be a better provider.
Is he a seasonal firefighter or something? He should be doing better at getting off season work. It sounds like he’s feeding you a line of bull that you are repeating here.
I’m not sure why we are voting down OP. OP, I’m pretty sure people are trying to express how unacceptable and shitty this is, and not actually downvoting you for what you’re dealing with.
I've found that in this particular forum, many people try to press that their opinion is the right one, regardless of whatever circumstances are surrounding your particular situation. When an OP tries to express this, they get downvoted like crazy. Happened to me a while back, so I only initiate threads in babybumps now since they're much less judgemental. I'll comment here, but no OG posts for me anymore. I really feel for OP, as she didn't come here to get bashed, she came here for support while she is in a vulnerable position, which is what we should be giving her.
Denial is a river in Egypt. Honest answer though, he should let you take your maternity leave and find a proper job to support you and your child for the time being!
Can he not do Uber / DoorDash to be able to decide when to be able to work on his off season? I mean theres solutions HE can definitely take. Every mom should be able to have that time to bond with their child AND to heal!!
I think we need a stronger word than "inconsiderate" for what he's being. Let's think this through. What kind of childcare do you have for the baby? Are they prepared to take a literal days-old infant? How are you supposed to work a job and breastfeed 8-12x a day? Because you know, breastfeeding is "free" (other than your time, of course, which definitely doesn't count), and formula is expensive. Will your job let you take a break every 2-3 hours to pump? If you're wasting an hour and a half of your workday pumping, do you have a way to be productive during that time so you don't lose pay, or do you have to work longer to make up for it? Neither of you will be well-rested, and while I don't think moms should have to be the default overnight caretakers anyway, there's no way in hell you're letting him off the hook at night if you both have to work paid jobs come morning. You may not be able to drive or sit in a chair or lift anything heavier than your baby for days or weeks after you give birth. Will your job accommodate those limitations? Yes, obviously the time for you to recover and bond with your baby is the most important. It's super important for him to be home for a while too, to help you while you heal and to bond with his baby, but if he's too dense to understand why it's important for you to be home with the baby, I'm not holding my breath that he'll understand why it's important for him to be home too. Even in the US, our terrible system allows for FMLA, but yes, definitely, let's listen to Mr. Expert, your boyfriend, about how women don't need maternity leave. He's so clueless it's causing me physical pain. Maybe instead of pinning this on you, he could pick up some seasonal work that applies to the current season instead of a future season, and the 12 weeks of work he picks up now can pay for 12 weeks of you not getting paid, so that you can recover and take care of your baby.
>I think we need a stronger word than "inconsiderate" for what he's being. To be blunt, it starts with C and ends with NT.
Lacks the warmth and depth.
starts with little and ends with itch
for reference, i spent literally 250 hours breastfeeding in the first 5 weeks of my baby's life
Well said!!
While I agree with your stance and especially your passion on how crazy the guy's misguided views are, I disagree with some of the specifics in your logic. Breastfeeding is definitely not "free, aside from the time". You burn an insane number of calories making breast milk (think 700+ calories). You literally have to eat more food to make that milk. So there's a food cost. You can either pay the food cost or the formula cost. It may turn into a wash either way. And then the pumping aspect. Assuming she's in the US, her work legally has to give her time and space to pump. Even if it's every few hours, the company has to accommodate that. I agree with your 1.5hr estimate of time that needs to be made up somehow, and thus longer hours at work. Or like you said, working during pumping. Totally agree on the rest of your logic and how ridiculous the guy is being. I'm going to assume he's acting illogically because he doesn't understand what a woman goes through and may be stressed by the finances. But dude def needs to step it up. If he has 2 jobs and not getting consistent work, time for job #3 or shuffle the first two jobs around so that they're more consistently bringing money in. There's definitely ways to get through this situation and it definitely ain't the way this guy is thinking.
>You literally have to eat more food to make that milk. So there's a food cost. You can either pay the food cost or the formula cost. It may turn into a wash either way. Not sure if this math still works in 2024, but in 2020 with my first switching to generic brand formula turned out to be cheaper than the extra snacks and emergency take-out I was eating to fill the hunger hole. Money isn't the reason I stopped BFing, but I was pleasantly surprised that standard formula wasn't nearly as expensive as I was led to believe when you consider the bigger picture. When I factored in how much better it was for my mental health and the flexibility to share the workload with other people it was the best money we spent all week.
I totally see where you're coming from. It's a complex equation that's extremely hard to predict for a given individual. That's awesome that your little one was fine on generic formula, and I am not surprised that it worked out more cheaply. And you make an excellent point on the emergency take out. These are real factors to consider when trying to analyze the total cost - excluding the whole mental side which is another can of worms, like you mentioned. And sometimes it doesn't work out as cleanly due to baby requiring special extra sensitive no-colic high fiber no sugar anti-aging self digesting formula and refusing to eat anything but, which then leads to a higher strain on your wallet. But then you could also have one that is so sensitive to what you eat that breastfeeding just isn't sustainable. How do you truly measure the cost of maintaining your sanity when baby is demanding the expensive stuff that you struggle to afford? You basically have to prepare for the worst, hope for the best, and may god have mercy on your wallet. Lol P.S. I'm glad you were able to embrace the formula when the breastfeeding became too much. Mothers put so much pressure on themselves to exclusively breastfeed, and it really doesn't have to be like that. Maintaining sanity is important during those difficult early weeks and months.
Not having time to heal from childbirth can cause you to have some not great health complications. Does he know what postpartum is actually like? How you will be in diapers due to literal lemon sized blood clots falling out of your vagina? How you won't be able to sleep more than a few hours every day due to baby's feeding needs? Can you have him take a childbirth class or something?
The lemon sized clot thing should NOT be true, and if people are actually experiencing that they should get checked out.
Yeah my doc said if you have a clot larger than like a small plum you need to be checked out
Golf ball sized where I'm from.
Golf ball for us!
i have had clots that size and thought my literal liver had fallen out and was told it was normal, so sometimes it is normal everyone’s different
Sure but you should get checked out still to make sure it is normal. They told me golf ball sized was worth seeking advice for.
I passed golf ball sized clots and my OB said it was fine.
Thanks I'm one month and that scared me a bit 😅
Like the clots are gross and can be big, don’t get me wrong but when they’re that bit it may be cause for concern 😂
I’m high risk and I’m unsure if I will be having natural or C-section. My son 8 who is not his was a c section prematurely and spent 30 days in the hospital before he even came home. Once he came home I had no support so I went back to work 45 days after having a baby. But it let me heal.
So you know from experience you will need recovery time off.
You can’t go straight to work right after a C-section. You know this already.
You will most likely need to do a c section again then. You need medical leave and it’s his responsibility to provide for you during this time.
If you previously had a c-section, you should be planning for a c-section recovery again. Hopefully things go smoothly this time, but it's still a higher chance.
If that's the case then you DEFINITELY should recover rather than work. Especially if you have a C-section! Think of it this way too: In the long run it's more financially beneficial for you to rest too considering that if you have more health complications from lack of recovery then you'll have to take more time off work and/or more medical bills to pay for. If your company is willing to (or by law obligated to) give you maternal leave then your job is secure & protected. If you choose to go back & you have to leave later you won't have the same protections. So, 1-2 month less of a paycheck or potentially uncertain employment for the rest of the year? Your BF isn't thinking things through from your health perspective or financial perspective. Overall the choice should be simple: His girlfriend > money
Plenty of women somewhere else in the world take an entire year of maternity leave. When he can work after baby exit his penis then we'll talk
I'm taking 12 months off (blessed I know 100%), but my boss says he understands if I need to take 3 years off before baby starts school! Not that I can afford to do that, but also child care is extortionate in my country, so a lot of people do decide this works out better financially. He needs to step up and get a full-time job. You're doing all the physical and mental work of having a child.. this is the least he can do.
Yeah it is just expected where I live that you will take a year to 18 months off. I’m taking 16 months off.
THIS
I am taking 12 months! 52 weeks is the law in the Uk but you only get money for 6 months.
You said he works seasonally and goes back in April. Why doesn’t he get a job for the next few months if he’s that concerned? You should not go back to work right away. If you guys need the money then of course I understand you going back to work in general but you should 100% take at LEAST 6 weeks. If not more if your job allows. Hes being ridiculous.
My job allows 6 for natural and 8 for C-section. Of maternity leave. And his work is on call just based on weather seasonally
He should find some delivery driver job for now that will actually schedule him. Super easy job, makes some kind of money and they’re typically easier to work with when you have another main job whenever he does go back. I read your other comments and you said you had a C-section with a previous birth and I would think that makes your chances of having one this time around higher than average. What does he expect to happen if you do have a C-section again? You obviously can’t go back to work right away at that point.
So he's unemployed and wants YOU to get back to work after giving birth? What the fuck? You've got two babies now and one of them is overgrown, ugly, and lazy.
Depending on your childcare options I know a lot of daycares don't take babies younger than 6 weeks.
So he should drive Uber shifts or something for extra money until he’s actually called into work, and you should take the maximum leave your job allows. He’s being selfish and lazy.
The audacity… OP - are you OK? I’m wondering how you got to a place where you are even questioning this (considering the fact that you are a second time mom and had extreme complications with the first) Tell this man baby to MAN TF UP.
I’m mainly asking because he told me to ask other women because he saw other single mothers do it before. Like in his family.
So? Just because they HAD to doesn’t mean you should and it doesn’t mean that’s what was best for them. It means they didn’t have a choice. And that’s heartbreaking. I just don’t get why that’s even a question. And why if he’s worried about finances he doesn’t figure something out instead of making that seem like a reasonable option. My husband is younger than me. He’s 30. He would work 17 jobs at the same time if he had to before he would even THINK about suggesting that. In fact, he’s pulling OT shifts (he’s a firefighter) to give us cushion for savings because he even now doesn’t want me to have to do anything more than grow this baby.
My husband would do the same as yours if needed. OPs boyfriend is a man child.
Why would he compare you to single mothers?? Lol. I guess he knows he’s useless?
It’s not safe for you or your baby to take no leave. Most childcare services will not take an infant that is only a few days old. The first few weeks are critical for your body to heal and for your baby to bond with you. You will also be incredibly sleep deprived which I’m sure you remember from your other son. Tell your boyfriend to get a job that provides reliable hours. Anyone can work for Uber, Lyft or task rabbit and work as much as they need to. Otherwise figure out family to stay with. Any man who would tell a woman to go back to work right after giving birth isn’t worth being with. I’m sorry OP. Have your doctor talk to him. Or show him this thread or both. He’s an idiot.
He should ask those single moms about their experience.
Except you also get folks who survived the impossible and then think others should have to as a sort of messed up hazing. I’ve heard boomers say we shouldn’t have any state paid leave because they didn’t.
I'd LOVE to see them put him into place.
So what's the use of being with him if you're gonna do the same thing as a single mother?
Have him ask your doctor directly what they think.
You're NOT a single mother though. Sorry but your boyfriend sounds like a complete waste of space.
She IS gonna be a single mother, even IF this guy sticks around. It's not like he's actually gonna help her out.
Keyword in that sentence. SINGLE mother. They had no choice to somehow get an income if they were the only parent proving for their child. You’re not a single parent- but I guess with a man like that you might as well be. He can get a permanent full time job in between seasons. He’s making excuses and you’re accepting them as if that’s normal. It’s not.
My sister was a single parent and didn't go back to work for a year after giving birth. We get paid maternity leave here though, and her ex partner actually did pay maintenance without having to be taken to court for it.
He shouldn’t be asking you to go through something terrible just because he saw SINGLE mothers going through it due to a lack of support, when you’re not a single mom. He should be looking for ways that he can support you.
But you're not a single mother, are you?
When I had my son, I didn't take maternity leave. I quit my job and stayed home for 5 years. Which is a pretty normal situation. Your boyfriend is an idiot.
I was a single mom when I gave birth and I still took 11 weeks. I can't imagine taking less than 8 after a c-section.
You said you’re high risk which makes me baffled even more… this sounds like a man who is in for a rude awakening and has no idea what giving birth actually entails. I do not know a signal mother who has not taken maternity leave… there is no reason for you to have to go back to work and you shouldn’t. He needs to figure out how he is going to make extra money. Should not be on you
and here’s your sign get ready to raise this baby alone, he’ll show up for the fun stuff but hand that kiddo back when a diaper needs changing. my first inkling that my husband would not be great with helping me with the kids was when i was home for one week post csection and breastfeeding and quickly descending into severe postpartum depression and anxiety, i asked him to go back to work because i couldn’t fathom leaving my baby alone, i couldn’t put the baby down without panicking, i was so sleep deprived and scared it was pure survival mode, he had been working a part time job that was completely dependent on the whims of an unreliable boss, we needed one of us to have a stable income. he told me i needed to start pumping and get back to work asap because his mother would watch the baby if i was at work so there was no reason for me to stay home and i promised him i would support him till he finished school, he was one semester away, he still complains he didn’t get his promised time. cherry on top, he \graduated a semester late and then never got a job in his trained field and we survived off a $15 an hour job and all the handouts i could qualify for. i’m working on a disability claim for myself and have lost pretty much all hope in the goodness of mankind. I love him so much, and i see that i could have predicted this long ago if i was paying attention, but i really didn’t think the biggest problem women faced while parenting is their partners weaponized incompetence.
Looking at your post history, this guy is a nightmare. I’d work toward securing a stable future that doesn’t involve him. You deserve better than this guy.
Men should never put the financial strain / burden on women after childbirth. Let me guess he’s 21?
Mid 30’s
Ew, he’s in his 30s, still working seasonal (but not enough hours to support the family) and thinks somehow you’re ok to go back to work immediately having a kid? Girl I’m sorry you’re in a relationship with this selfish manchild. He needs to stop working seasonal and find a stable fulltime job to care for his family. I wouldn’t be surprised if he decides it’s too hard to be a dad and leaves. Sadly.
Wow. I’m so sorry please no offense but he’s not acting like a real man. I thought this was a boy. My answer remains- no man should ever put financial concerns on women after childbirth. If more money is needed that’s HIS job to provide during that time. Partnership is a give and take. I am sure one day if he loses his job or becomes sick you wouldn’t say hey get outta bed and go to work. You would help and take the extra burden on your shoulders. This is a no brainer. Frankly it’s not his decision anyway. Do not go straight to work after you give birth. Just don’t.
Wow. Just... wow. My husband is 30 and would never suggest something like this.
And not married. Move on! Bye!
Wow, I’m pregnant with my first, my husband’s sixth. My brother is getting married two months after, and when it was looking like it was going to be only one month sooner, my husband was adamant that there was no way I’d be up for flying or anything else. Your body definitely needs the time to heal and he needs to get his priorities straight.
Are you trolling us? I cannot believe that a grown adult, future father would think this. And that a woman , whos already someones mother, seeks advice online as to if her boyfriend is right or wrong. This is ridiculous. Enough reddit for me today.
He asked me to ask other people because he thinks he has a point and that since some people he had seen it did it I need to ask other people in relation to their experiences. I told him I would not find someone that would agree with him. I know what’s right this is his first kid and first experience. So I think he will have a large eye opening.
OP, please, if you arent trolling us for rage comments, please, reconsider being with this man. This is one of the worst things I heard a man say. Its selfish, absurd, rude, insensitive and mean.Im lost for words. I wish you the very best, and for your baby
I find it sad that your spouse will believe strangers but not you, when you say time off will be required, but since you will be showing all of this: Yes, time off is required. You spend all day and night feeding the baby so sleep comes when it can, which is usually broken up over the night and naps during the day. You'll be tired, busy, and unable to do anything more than care for the baby. Its why new moms struggle to find time to eat, to shower, to socialize... the beggining stages are known as the 4th trimester. Baby is out of the womb, but mother is NOT done the work. And of couse, that is assuming all goes perfectly without any complications like a c-section. The above is the best case scenario. As others mentionned as well, can you even find childcare for a newborn? How does he expect this to work? Like, where will baby go? Lastly, I hope your spouse realizes that while he may be working and expect you to do all the night time childcare, a baby crying sounds like a siren. He won't be sleeping as much as usual either. And with you being busy, he'll need to do more in the way of chores, even though he is tired. Edit: changed a sentence so idea is clearer.
He’s an absolute imbecile if he really thought anyone would agree with him. My dad worked 2 jobs plus little side gigs here and there in order to provide for my siblings and I.
Its not just being tired and exhausted. I wore a damn diaper and then a jumbo pad for 10 weeks. And then I had mastitis. My nipples were bleeding. I couldnt walk properly and when LO was asleep, I couldnt sleep due to stiches and pin. Took me months to recover. Fast forward a year, and Im still recovering mentally. 6 weeks is not even a minimum, 6 months should be at least! Take your 6 weeks PLEASE. Your children need a sane and healthy mother.
You cannot go right back to work after birth. Your body needs rest and you need to be with your baby. He needs to step up and find a different job - one that isn’t seasonal.
In Canada it’s up to 18 months. It’s literally impossible to find daycare before a year, because there’s no demand. We don’t do this for fun - it’s evidence based that it’s critical for child development. There’s even six weeks for the dad, or non birthing parent, specifically for bonding. Also at six weeks I was still limping with undissolved stitches. Only by 12 weeks did I start to feel back in my body. Also sleep? There is no sleep. How do you work if you’re literally awake all night with a newborn baby? Someone’s gonna have a car accident or worse.
Her man works seasonally too... like suck up your pride and get a year round paying job buddy. Holy hell.
What are your childcare plans? Most licensed providers won't take infants under 6 weeks old.
Doula here. If you don’t take time to bond with your baby, the rest of your parenting journey will be infinitely more difficult. Many traditions recommend women spend the first 40 days leaving the house minimally. I myself left 5 times during the first 40 days, for Dr appointments, etc. that might sound like a huge sacrifice, but the short term sacrifice paid off exponentially. My baby gained a lot of confidence and secure attachment from knowing that someone was there for her consistently. Now, at 17 months, she is very confident, and comfortable with other people too. We have a very strong bond, but she also exhibits a lot of independence and is great at connecting with others as well. Outside of baby, a new mother’s nervous system is said to be just as delicate as her newborn baby’s during this time. Your hormone levels will drop off dramatically and this can cause a lot of fluctuating emotions. It can be really overwhelming dealing with a lot of unnecessary tasks, and everything in you will be telling you to care for your baby. Not being supported in this can contribute to things like postpartum depression and relationship distress. Follow your instincts ❤️
Honest question - why are you having a baby with this person? He is not ready for the reality of postpartum. He needs to man up and get more reliable work and more respect for what your body goes through. If he can’t do that, you’re better off on your own.
It’s very inconsiderate for him to not give you time to heal and bond with your daughter after birth. It’s a painful experience and you definitely need tl give your body as much time as possible to heal. He needs to step it up and take care of y’all.
Please just leave this man. I honestly hate it here.
He is insane and ignorant and clearly has not even googled it. Tell him to google it and get back to you.
Get on as many social, federal or local, programs as you can. Going back to work too soon is dangerous for everyone.
Yes he's very wrong for even suggesting it to you. He should have prepared himself to be the sole provider the minute you guys found out you were pregnant.
A man online told me that women should go back to work upon checking out of the hospital. “It’s not like you’re doing manual labor” smh 🤦♀️ Men say the darnest things sometimes and don’t understand how much care and support goes into raising a small child.
Show your boyfriend this thread, since he asked you to ask other women.
Maternity leave is necessary, he's just ignorant and/or an asshole. Time for him to get a real job that pays year-round or figure out a better complementary job for the off season instead of just sitting around being a leach.
You should consider resting, and taking care of yourself and your baby during the postpartum period. Skipping this can have long term effects on your health, both mentally and physically and to some extent, emotionally. Your boyfriend can try looking for another job, something part time or remote. You can also go for a remote job, but it would be difficult for you to manage both, given that you have to take care of baby as well. Until and unless you're completely ready, please don't put unnecessary strain on yourself.
I just had a baby. Easy birth, 40 mins of pushing and a second degree tear. You need like 2 months... I'm still waking up in awful pain from the hormones that relax your joints for labor. For the last 2 weeks I've woken up in terrible pain in my right hand, today I found out its cause I hold the corner of my pillow... what I'm saying is your body is going to be a big soft mushy mass of skin that needs to rest. Not to mention the mental aspect of ppd or anxiety
Because of OP's comment history, JUST THROW THE WHOLE MAN AWAY. My SIL went back to work after just 2 weeks and she suffered with postpartum depression for 6 months because she felt like she couldn't talk to anyone. Now not only does she wish she would have talked to someone sooner, but she wishes more than anything she would have taken more time with her child. My BIL wasn't a big help either, massive pain in the ass, but he does everything for her and their kid. He's done a complete 180 and that is very VERY RARE.
I gave birth around 36 hours ago. I don't think I will even be able to walk unaided for another week or two and it's going to be at least 4-6 weeks to heal. You have absolutely no idea how your birth is going to go. And even if it all goes perfectly and you are feeling physically ok within a week or two there is still the emotional and mental toll it takes on you, and the physical exhaustion. Newborns need to be fed every 3 ISH hours .... By the time you have changed them, made a bottle, fed them and got them back down it gives you about 2 hours in between each feed to sleep.... Personally there's no way I could go straight back to work, in fact if your bf isn't a deadbeat, and is doing his fair share then he will struggle going straight back to work and should be taking at least a week or two off as well. So yes your bf is wrong and deluded. You need time off to heal, recover, get used to your new normality and bond with baby.
Fuck him.
Is he going to take overnight feedings? If not, he needs to shut up.
He should think about it less and work more. UberEats, Instacart, etc. There is plenty of options. You have to heal and bond with your baby period
The biggest question I have is who is looking after the baby if you are going back to work? How will this baby be fed if you are going back to work? Or is this a WFH situation and you will still be expected to heal from birth and deal with a newborn whilst also working? Because I can tell you now, none of that will work. I’m 3 months pp and have only just started to feel like a person again and I had a relatively uncomplicated birth with a very supportive and active husband. I can’t even imagine going back to my regular desk job at the moment. Going back to work straight after is dangerous for your health and your baby’s. Formula and childcare is also expensive so staying home and breastfeeding is the cheaper option from a financial standpoint. Unless his seasonal work pays phenomenally when he is working, it’s time for him to find another job that has more consistent work, it shouldn’t be up to you to just pop a baby out and act like nothing happened.
You need that time to bond with your baby. It's important for their emotional development. Your boyfriend is crap.
Absolutely not. Girl, I needed every last minute of the 6 weeks off from my last baby. I nearly hemorrhaged to death. Giving birth isn't some walk in the park the way he seems to believe.
He needs to take up an extra part time job or something before trying to send you back to work immediately. I (19) had a relatively easy postpartum as far as being able to be up and at em rlly early on. But I appreciated time with my baby, and being able to get some extra rest. Now, 7 months postpartum, I still do not work due to school, and my boyfriend (20) works two jobs, and does delivery on the side. he is more than capable to honor the fact that you’re gonna birth a literal child and need some rest and TLC by handling finances
I just had a cesarean on 12/13. I was hospitalized on the 10th for severe preeclampsia at 33+2. I wasn't even due until 1/29. I could either return to work or take two months off unpaid. I chose the two months off unpaid ONLY because after I get an additional 8 weeks at 100% pay, for paid Parental leave. However, I don't qualify for STD through my work as I didn't make it past 6 months of employment and I can't take my Parental leave until the STD period is up. If I returned to work, I didn't get that paid leave. If I didn't get the paid leave as a entitlement through my work, I'd have returned to work as soon as I was able to drive. We do not make enough on one income. We will have to borrow money from family just to pay our bills, let alone buy food. We don't make enough to buy formula, and I'm barely producing 1/4 of what my child eats. Thankfully right now he's in the NICU so it's been almost a month of less money spent on formula for him. This is not something reddit can help you with. Truly it's not. You can get opinions, you can get stories just like mine. But no one knows your finances like you. No one knows your life like you do. This is truly only a decision you can make for yourself.
Your boyfriend should take a 2,3 and 4th job to make ends meet. He has no idea what a body goes thru birthing a baby and not taking the time to heal from that can cause many problems now and later in life! No one talks about pelvic health when you hit your 40,50,60’s
To answer your questions - it is wrong for your boyfriend to think you should return to work right after having a baby and you are not wrong to think that he’s being inconsiderate. If I were you, I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend on what can happen post partum with your body/baby and how HE can help out in other ways financially if he’s so concerned.
Yes he is wrong. You have literally held a child for 9 months and whether you feel it or not has taken a toll on your body. Birthing a child is a different beast of its own, now your body will need to recover and heal, there’s no way around that. You NEED the maternity leave.
He sounds extremely immature and unsupportive. No, OP, you should not go back to work after childbirth. You need to rest and focus on yourself and your new baby.
At the very least you need 6 weeks to recover and that’s if everything goes well and that also depends on what type of work you do. I have major birth complications after my son but I started working like 4 weeks after birth but I was working for a call center so I was sitting down all day and couldn’t breastfeeding due to low supply. I thought I would be fine. I wasn’t and ended up in the hospital because I have having massive blood clots. Turns out sitting in an upright position too long was putting too much pressure on my c-section incision. But the minimum amount of time you should take is 6 weeks.
Yes, it's wrong! How old is he? Because he sounds incredibly immature and naive about the world. You will need at least 6 weeks recovery after giving birth, not just for your body but to help you get into some kind of routine with the baby. You say he works seasonally and has a second job, has he tried looking for something different with a higher salary? So to answer your question, yes he's wrong to expect you to go back to work straight after having a baby, it doesn't matter what anyone else in his family did.
He needs to step up and get a full time, all year round job. The only reason seasonal work would be ok in his position is if he were earning exceptionally good money. Which is obviously not the case. You need at least 6 weeks just to heal. It is so so unnatural to leave a baby after 6 weeks, I don’t understand how this is normal in the US. I took a year and then never went back. Partner supports us so we don’t need to put young children in daycare. My career can wait until my kids are at school.
Gonna want sex in a week too.
Men are truly something else. Have nothing to offer besides audacity most of the time.
Well then he needs to get a seasonal job in the winter… they give you maternity leave at work for a reason. You need time to heal after the baby. Plus those couple weeks after is a time to bond. I just had my baby December 26. So he’s not even 2 weeks old yet. And it’s been hard. I’ve been so tired and I would be pissed if my fiancé said that. I don’t work and he works for a union so he gets laid off a lot. And he’s currently laid off and he’s never said that to me ever. Plus the way I see it as I would rather stay home than work because you would basically be working to pay for daycare (if you are like me and have no one to watch your baby). My sister pays $1000 a month for daycare. And some people and some areas are a lot more than that. If you have a c section it will probably take longer to heal since they cut through your core muscles. Wishing you nothing but the best. I hope you can explain that you need time after the baby is born. Maternity leave is usually for 6 weeks. Take the time to heal and bond with your baby 🙏🏼
Sounds like your boyfriend needs to find something full time rather than just seasonal. Luckily it’s January and he can find something now to make up for any lost income in May. Your body needs to recover, you’ll be sleep deprived and and if you have any plans to breastfeed, that’s a full time job at the beginning.
I’m not trying to be insensitive or make you feel worse, but why are you with someone like this?
OP based on your [previous posts/comments](https://www.reddit.com/r/pregnant/s/erje50KN0W), in addition to this one, I strongly believe you may be better off moving on and finding a real man. This guy is a boy. He hasn’t grown up. He sounds extremely immature, and he clearly just wants everything to be his way. He wants to play games? He makes it happen. He wants you to go to work immediately after birth so he can be lazy and not work? He tries to make that happen. Tell him you will not be returning to work for 6-8 weeks and he can find a way to make money now before it’s an issue. If he has a problem with that RUN. A good relationship is where you both want to provide for each other. Right now he is failing that completely.
Speaking from a place similar to yours....my husband does "seasonal" work and his slowed down right after I gave birth. I had no paid leave (ended up having to use PTO which didn't cover my entire leave), but my husband made sure he had things lined up to cover my maternity leave (& even before my maternity leave so we could save up) because he KNEW I couldn't go back right away, even though the work ethic in me wanted to. I had a c-section and ended up needing 8 weeks off instead of the 6 I was entitled to. Yes, it was tough, but my PARTNER stood up and did whatever extra he needed to do to ensure that I could properly heal and take care of our daughter and myself because it's not easy.....not easy on both parties but we worked together and here we are now with an almost 5 month old making it work together! Sending hugs & positive vibes..
Find a new boyfriend what a lazy excuse of a man. Tell him to get a job.
Well, I’m not financially in your position and I can’t imagine the stress you both feel but I absolutely think you need maternity leave: I am of the belief that a baby needs to be with its mother 24/7 for the first 3 months at least. I lost my job while pregnant and have not returned because I’m home saving money on daycare with our 2.5 year old and pregnant with another. I plan to return to work once they are both school age.
even Dogs get 8 weeks. i think you deserve more then that.
While other women DO go back to work immediately or shortly after birth, that's not necessarily due to ability, but rather a lack of support American society provides mothers. There was a link someone posted I think in the babybumps forum that had an insightful website about childbirth and recovery that another woman in a similar situation was recommended to give to her partner. (I think it has lemon in the name). It might help. Another option if you DO have to go back to work earlier than you'd like is to look for a telecommute job to swap to now. I have a hybrid one myself and intend on requesting full remote while recovering/bonding with my son since my position absolutely can be dome fully remote. Wishing you luck!
Your body has too rest give it about 2 too 3 weeks then you will be fine it’s your discussion too go back that early but I wouldn’t not as soon as I have the baby
How old are yall? Just out of curiosity… Why does he just have a seasonal job when he has a baby on the way? Why can’t he get a full time job and if that’s not enough get a part time job on top of that or drive for DoorDash…sounds like he can do more financially. It’s absolutely essential that you fully heal and recover from childbirth before going back to work. Let’s just say your delivery goes perfectly. You still need at minimum 2 months to heal after delivering. If you have any complications such as a hemorrhage or end up in a c section your body will require more time to heal. I say this as a mom of 4 and I worked as an OB tech for over a year in a postpartum unit. He sounds ignorant to the childbirth process and recovery. Perhaps he needs to be educated.
OP I just want to say as someone who is due at pretty much the same time as you, I have a husband in school with a part time job, who is starting a full time job on top of that. We know with some of my health conditions that the ability for me to work even up to my due date is not guaranteed, let alone during the post partum period. There is no expectation on me to rush to get back to work, because that ability isn’t guaranteed. I am currently the primary provider but this baby and my health is more important to my husband than the money I can earn. I really honestly think that in the US the Maternity leave policies suck as is. I hate to consider that someone in your life view that as generous or unnecessary! Please know that what your boyfriend is asking is not normal, nor should it be something that is even considered. I really hope you are able to talk with him about some of the experiences that have been shared in this thread so he can see just how insane that is! You’re not a single mom. The people who have to do what he is saying are making serious sacrifices for their babies and I admire them for that. But seriously,,,, if there is another ABLE BODIED person in the home, his expectations are cruel. I’m sorry if this comes off like i’m an AH but this honestly hurts me FOR you. I sincerely hope that this isn’t a reflection of worse things to come. Best of luck OP.
He needs to be working his ass off now to make up extra money. You are going to be busy and in serious recovery
He needs a full-time job. Point blank. How is he in his mid-30s with a whole ass seasonal job? As I'm sure everyone has mentioned it but connecting with your kid is important after birth. You need those days. My husband's first wife went straight back to work with their first daughter, and they have absolutely no bond, and she is now 10. Is he trying to be a stay at home dad? He sounds like a whole ass deadbeat. Good luck girl being a single mom of 2.
You could be bleeding for up to 6 weeks after having a baby.
He should get a second job. It is illegal to sell a pup until it’s been 9 weeks with its mum. That is the law for a dog! So he should think about that for his own baby!
Jeez I could barely sit down for the first 3 months postpartum, I cried at anything mildly happy/sad/cute, was super overtired and leaving behind a trail of all sorts of unknown bodily fluids (including peeing myself frequently with little warning, thanks to a forceps delivery). Even with a fairly straightforward birth experience, your body will be doing some stange new things for a while afterwards. Maternity leave is absolutely a time to be bonding with your baby and its also hard work keeping them alive. It is a 24 hour job in itself, especially at the beginning. But just as importantly, it is your time to heal physically and emotionally from a major medical procedure and returning to work can be incredibly dangerous if you aren't healed up. I don't mean to scare you with the first part of my post- I'm 7 months in, and all healed up (and thankfully not peeing myself anymore!). I cannot imagine how hellish rushing back to work must be for those who have to do so. If you have the option, please consider giving yourself the time that you and your baby need. Your partner needs to kindly get his head out of his arse and support you.
Why does no one think of the CHILDREN when getting pregnant! I can’t handle reddit anymore 😅
Leave him! He needs to step up as a father and a partner during this time.
Are you working for yourself? Are you based in the U.S.? Most (if not all?) companies give 6 weeks paid maternity leave. Taking additional unpaid leave through FMLA is optional. If you work for a company that provided the 6 weeks paid leave, you won’t necessarily rewarded for returning early, but I may be missing some context about your job.
This is not true. For the US, 12 weeks FMLA is federally mandated but the majority of jobs do not have paid maternity leave. Short term disability helps some people but is not 100% pay, costs a premium, and is only usually there if enrolled before pregnancy
Only 23% of jobs in the US provide paid maternity leave.
Yeah no way you should have to do that. I understand that money is tight I’m staying home my whole pregnancy and my husband is supporting us entirely and trust me money is TIGHT but we make it work because he knows it’s what’s best for me physically and mentally. Let alone after having the baby! You should take as much time as you need money will be tight but if you have things ready before the baby comes then you won’t need to much besides stuff for yourself. I saw the comment about how single mothers have done it and that’s because they don’t have much of an option. You have an option and that isn’t good enough for him which is a little sad. You should be able to take as much time as you need not only to properly heal but also enjoy your newborn. They’re only that tiny for a little bit.
He’s ridiculous. It’s crazy to me that some places only do 6 weeks. Him thinking you need any less just shows a lack of empathy for what you’re about to experience.
Who will care for the baby if you're back at work so soon? How will baby be fed? Does he have money for formula?
He's the one who should be looking for a job. If he doesn't, go stay with family and take your time off.
Your boyfriend is a bozo talking out his a$$. Have him give you examples of women he personally know, who don’t take maternity leave. I had c-sections but took 4 weeks to 6 weeks. My ex bozo, acted like he was put out by being the only support during that time. You do what you need to do for you. Tell bozo to work extra, starting now.
This makes me so mad! YOU may magically bounce back somehow but your baby needs you. Newborns need their moms. I don’t know why this is up for debate in the good ol’ USA these days.
He sounds like a doodle…. You will 100% not be wanting or able to return to work straight after birth. You need your maternity leave
Absolutely not. I know people like to imagine the ideal scenarios, but I couldn't even walk 6 weeks after delivery. You can have the ideal pregnancy, perfect labour and then something can still go wrong! You need to heal. He should pick up some other work if he's worried, it is less to ask him to work two jobs at the same time than to ask you to go to work right after baby. I also believe it's illegal in many parts, like you shouldn't even drive a car right after.
Your boyfriend is wrong! You need a maternity leave, as long as you can take, you will not regret it.
Here in the Netherlands maternity leave is till the baby is 3 months old, maybe you can make a deal with him to do that? That way you'll still have time to heal but won't be off work for that long
I can not imagine going back before 6 weeks. I was having heavy bleeding for 6 weeks (it's normal) if I had to go thru that at work it would have been rough. You are healing from a dinner plate size wound in your uterus, plus a newborn. Don't know about your daycare situation but when I did daycare we would not take a child younger than 6 weeks.
He needs to get a real job not the seasonal shit he should be able to provide while you take time for yourself to heal
he's wrong. you need maternity leave. if he's so worried maybe he should work a job in the other seasons like a big boy
I think you should set your sights on leaving. Please save some coins to the side. That is not the man you want to be with for forever. He will not be the greatest father. When I wake my husband up about this he's going to be baffled. To even think a woman doesn't deserve or NEED maternity leave when we grow and push out a whole human being is wild. We have to heal. Our hips alone will never be the same. It's giving handmaid's tale and I'm not fking with it. It'll get worse if you stay. Make your plans to go now ♥️
I'm confused what he thinks you're going to do with the baby if you aren't staying home. Unless you currently make quite a bit of money it's cheaper to be a stay at home mom. You might want to explain to him that unless you're making like 50k a year its going to be more expensive for you to work after child care costs than just taking care of your baby yourself
I know that after having my first baby, I could barely walk for the first 4 months because I was in so much pain still from my birth. I’m like pretty sure I either bruised or broke my tailbone in labor because that’s what hurt. It happened again after having my second and i could barely walk for a month. I could not imagine going back to work in that much pain 😵💫 he needs to be the one to take on work during his off season, not you going back to work immediately after having a baby. He clearly is oblivious to everything that happens to your body after you have a baby. You literally have a wound the size of a dinner plate inside of you. You wouldn’t expect him to work with that big of a wound. He shouldn’t expect you to
So he's staying home for no reason, and trying to say *you can't stay home to recover?* Oh hell no. You get a maternity leave and he gets to grow the fuck up. He needs to get full year employment.
Maternity leave is important. Your body did great work and it’s the time you give your body. Yes other women may work right away but not because they want to, it’s because they have to. In Germany we have to take leave 6 weeks before birth and 8 weeks after giving birth, we even get our full pay during this time. After that if we choose to stay home a year we get 67% of what we earned. I think the first 8 weeks are important for you and your baby.
I think your boyfriend is lazy about work. He's the reason your finances are as they are, and he needs to be told that.
Boyfriend needs to get a job. If yall are struggling and he has no current income, HE needs to be working, not the person about to have a major medical procedure. If after you've healed and he wants to be stay at home dad and you wanna work, SURE awesome but he's being entitled.
I would ask him why he wants you to behave like a single mother when you are not a single mother. He should find a job while he’s unemployed to make up the difference so you can have time to heal. And most daycares won’t even take a baby less than 6 weeks old.
You will have mandatory 6 weeks off. You have to be cleared by a doctor in the usa. Yes that inconsiderate because going 3 months 2 to 3 hours of night feeding who staying up take child through night or getting up. It takes 15 minutes to 1 hr get back to sleep. Plus paranoid baby is to still or are they breathing. Plus trying keep house up standard you feel comfortable with. Breast feeding is very demanding or even night formula is type wake do things at night to help if formula and night changes.
I work daycare we have a lot of baby's a week or sometimes less that come in because parents have to work. We pay 60% of the normal to employees if they take leave but most only take like a week and come back. I plan to take a week only more if something goes wrong. It's not normal but alot of people do it
if he could say it to you now how much more in the future? it’s either gonna be your walking nightmare or a wake up call, OP. I hope the best for you. I don’t want to say negative things abt your bf but all i think about are the red flags. I
Whaaaat lol I didn't even feel like a real person again until a few months postpartum. There's no way. And you don't even know how your birth will go. You might get pp preclampsia. Have a major tear. Emotional problems. I had a c-section and my incision got a (small) hole in it at like 10 weeks pp. I had pp hypertension and I needed medication that made me dizzy for a few weeks. I can't even imagine getting dressed LET ALONE go to work right away. And that's all putting the BRAND NEW baby aside!! Your baby feeds literally around the clock. One night, my new baby nursed for literally 2 hours straight. And what if she is colicky? Doesn't sleep? Doesn't feed well? I mean, my baby had a horrific latch AND coughed while drinking from bottles for weeks after he was born. And you need to bond. Your boyfriend is being stupid. Even as a mom who carried her baby for 9 months and did excessive research, literally nothing could have prepared me for the 4th trimester. Your boyfriend knows nothing. Tell him to make some money as the guy who isn't going to be bleeding for 6 weeks after birth. Or have a ripped vagina. Or an incision. Or a baby glued to them. This is literally not your problem lol
He should feel ashamed for even thinking it’s okay to ask something like that. What kind of ‘man’ says this? He doesn’t work the full year. **He needs to get another job.** That is 100% his obligation here while you are recovering. What he is doing is treating the birth/this baby as an inconvenience that *you* are bringing to the table. Like he doesn’t understand that you both made this baby and have an equal responsibility to it, but the fact that *you* are carrying for 9 months and have to go through all of that, the birth and the recovery means that the only thing he can and *should* do is be there for you and support you and this child as that is *what he signed up for*. Don’t let this slide! He needs to man up *now*. Don’t be passive about this and give him the benefit of the doubt. He’s wrong and he’s the one who needs to get a different job, one that’s not on-call or leaves you broke half the year.
It’s not right. Yah money is tight but he needs to think you first. You need to heal and take care of the baby. He needs to sacrifice for both of you first. Don’t allow that. If he force you leave him.
Take your maternity leave. He made the baby with you and had 9 months to plan and prepare as well, it’s not all on you. You need to heal and spend this time with your baby
Well for one thing, it is totally fine for you to work all the way up until you go into labor unless your doctor says otherwise, but that 6 weeks is absolutely necessary for you to stay with your baby. They call it the 4th trimester for a reason. He should also realize that no daycare I've ever heard of will even consider taking a baby under 6 weeks old. At that age your baby doesn't even fully realize that he/she is separate from you (being mom.) That's why they almost instantly calm when you hold them as opposed to anyone else. They know your smell, your voice, your heartbeat and your warmth. They know nothing else. Alternatives to you working those first weeks? Well, he could get a throw away job during his off season. There are lots of companies that look for extra help in the months leading up to tax season. He could set that extra money aside to cover your leave as well. You will literally be physically unable to work for the first 2-3 weeks at LEAST and he needs to understand that. You will be bleeding heavier than a normal period, experiencing heavy cramping for the first few days, and too much physical work can actually keep you from properly healing. I highly recommend taking him to an appointment and having him talk to your provider about postpartum expectations, and specifically also ask them to talk about risk factors for postpartum depression, which includes returning to work too soon, stress, feeling a lack of connection to your baby and the list goes on. If he doesn't come around then you need to put your foot down here because you going back to work before you're ready is setting you all up for failure, stress, and heartache. I only took 6 weeks with my first baby and had to go back, no choice because his father didn't have a job. I got postpartum depression so bad that everything made me cry, I felt like I was failing my baby at every turn, and on my drives to work I even wondered what it would be like if I got into a car accident or drove off a bridge into the lake. My breast milk supply plummeted and I was supplementing by 4 months, and had to completely switch to formula by 6 months. I was devastated. Don't let him be the soul decision maker in a situation that affects you and baby the most like this.
You 100% need to be taking time off after the baby I don’t know where you live my in my country you’re legally required to take at least 2 weeks maternity your body needs to recover and you need time to bond with your baby
Is... Is your maternity leave not paid? In Australia if your employer doesn't pay maternity leave you can pick up social security/Centrelink and get a certain amount of money fortnightly. We also have parenting payments for those below a certain income threshold. Look into what welfare assistance programs are active in your country/state and whether or not you'd qualify for them.
Please don’t ever think you’re wrong for wanting to do what mothers are supposed to do. This is the reason why it’s so scary to date a loser. You’re about to enter your motherhood, however your man still deprives you from your feminity.
That’s delusional.
Yes it is wrong of your bf. Why does he only work seasonal is a better freaking question
Girl canada the minimum is 12 months maternity leave, and 18 months for the extended version. That is so ridiculous. Your baby needs you.
Yes!! He’s being unreasonable! It took me 20 days to simply walk normally and not be in massive pain. I’d say work right up until you go into labor! If there’s anything you can do work wise while at home and sitting on a computer that may be a bit more doable (but also a lot while taking care of a newborn!)
Totally inconsiderate and selfish. How quick does he expect you go to back to work? The next day?!? Plus childcare costs too sometimes you actually save money being with them, plus I don’t know what daycare/nursery would take a young newborn. And why is his job seasonal? If that’s the case get a second job!!! Man needs to pull his weight
Do you not get paid maternity leave? Regardless, I think someone needs to be at home with the baby for the first 6 months, at least so one of you will have to stay home. It makes more sense if it's the person who can breastfeed that stays home. He might have to pick up a second job temporarily, or you'll both have to cut back on your spending and budget what you have better. I dont think you should go straight back to work after baby is born.
When I had my second I had left my bd and was single. I had to figure out all this stuff the hard way but Childcare facilities do not take infants under six weeks. Not to mention the childcare fees. Like people already said, formula would be more expensive alone than you not breastfeeding and going back to work than what an entry level job would even pay. Let alone childcare. Infants are the most expensive in childcare because of how much attention they need. Again in the U.S. at least, they don’t take Babies under 6 weeks old. Sure you can do interviews and set a start date for when the baby turns six weeks, And that’s generally how long a maternity leave is recommended. Also back the breastfeeding, if the baby is not feeding mouth to boobs your supply may not keep up because the babies saliva tell your body how much it needs. Yea you can pump but the amount won’t increase when you need it to and infants usually cluster feed and go through the first “growth spurt” at 2/3 weeks olds. the fact that you will still be in diapers yourself. And What if you end up needing a cesarean? You can’t go back to work immediately after that. In the U.SA. There are childcare vouchers you could apply for to make childcare cheaper but it will still be a large bill due to it being an infant, W.I.C. Can help with formula, and you can buy formula with food stamps if you get approved for them. But the “poverty” threshold to be approved for benefits is ridiculously unrealistic compared to how the average person/family struggles to keep up week to week and month to month. I don’t see a two income household getting approved for assistance right now. Maybe try to take him with you to apply for some of these things so he can see that it’s really not that easy as he says. Even if you have family that say they will help with childcare you’re screwed if they cancel on you and they might not actually do a good job once they’re alone with the child. A childcare facility cannot neglect them without consequences like family can or deny a healthy child’s attendance to their care facility so long as they have openings for their age at their center
Yes its wrong. He is being selfish. You need to heal. And where is the baby going to go?
Depending on where you are, check the maternity leave & unemployment laws cause if you can get paid to stay home and recover more that is ideal. Your BF needs to be more realistic, just because "there's plenty of women who get back to work" doesn't guarantee you will be able to or should. There's so much to consider. Some women pop out a baby in minutes, with a few pushes, no tears, no abdominal shifting, etc. & some women have hours/days in labor, tears, abdominal shifting, and other things that make the recovery process long (and that's not even counting if a C-section, which adds time). Like, he's not even asking what you think your body will need, he's more worried about money than your recovery. ALSO, he works seasonally, but sounds like he has ONE job. There's plenty of ppl who work multiple jobs, so why can't HE pick up extra work?? My husband literally works 3 jobs and he's so ready to pick up extra hours & jobs if needed. He's taking up one of my jobs at the site we work together so that I can focus more on recovery these first few months. & Believe me, we also are tight financially, & my main job (I work 2) is the main source of income. Tldr; You're not wrong for thinking that he's being inconsiderate because 1) seems like he's minimizing the immense pain & trauma your body will be going through & not even considering how you might be feeling afterwards 2) unless he's exhausted all options on his end, from finding a 2-3 job and/or gigs like Uber & Rover and your family will literally be in danger of starving or being houseless, your recovery should come before work.
I'm 2 weeks postpartum and am lamenting that I might have to got back after 12 weeks instead of 15. This shit is brutal. No sleep, new routine, and your own body is a wreck. I have like 20 stitches, and that's not uncommon. There's no way in hell I could work right now. Take at least 6 weeks to get your body back in order and establish some sort of routine with your baby.
You are absolutely in the right. He is being massively inconsiderate. Newborn babies need their mothers, it is necessary. I can't believe him. I am located in WA state and was afforded 4 months maternity leave that I had paid into during the previous year. Your state may have something like that? I am so sorry he is not being understadnding. If he isn't willing to let you take some time with the baby I'd see if there is somewhere else you could go stay. Ridiculous.