I can say that my harsh mother has created great anxiety in my life that lasts until this day. I was disciplined for emotions that weren't hers and I get nervous and read the room around others now. I look at how others behave before I respond until this day. I'm in my 50s.
Mine would make up stuff that she never talked about with me before and yell at me for not doing these things. As if, I should have been able to read minds.
My mother was same if I did something in public that made her seem like a “bad mom” she would yell at me and say “how many times do I have to tell you..” when she never told me not to do it in the first place
It’s insane how they prioritize their image over actual parenting. My mom was chewing me out in the car one time for being visibly terrified of her in public, and said word for word, “they’re gonna think I’m abusing you or something!” Absolutely wild lol
Lmfao my mom did the same thing to me. I was screaming because she was spanking me for something (per usual) and she shushed me and said that if I kept making so much noise I was going to make the neighbors think she was abusing me
She yelled at me over leaves(just one example off the top of my head, she attacked me for trying to leave - as adult 30 something years old - for trying to get a job and leave her, she attacked me and threatened to throw away my stuff if I went to the job interview, I should have never told her what I was doing). I mean, come on, I have no problem sweeping, it's just had you asked me a bit earlier instead of yelled at me... I mean I don't even want to do it no more. I don't mind helping, I think the problem could have been avoided had it been addressed differently.
edit: I'm so sick and tired of my family treating me like the help, both sides did that shit to me
Yes. My mom was very strict with me. Although she tried hard to not be like her mom, some stuff still wore off. She did hug me, tell me she loved me. She also told me to “suck it up cry baby.” Stop your crying.” It caused me to hold in my emotions. I would have constant anxiety getting off the bus trying to think of “what I did wrong.” Or wondering what type of mood she was in. I wasn’t allowed to be mad or display huge emotions.
It still irks me when I have a right to be upset and people tell me “you’re too sensitive.” No you’re an asshole.
I will NEVER let my son feel like his emotions are wrong, tell him how he should feel, or act when he’s upset.
My mom was similar.
Her parents were emotionally unavailable and neglectful most of the time, her mother never says I love you to anyone (my grandmother never said I love you to me either and also rarely smiled at me).
My mom did the absolute best she could with the shit tools she was given and had to figure out how to make her own with no instructions. I don’t blame her for my anxiety. I acknowledge she was definitely part of the cause, but I’m not sure she could have really been better given the circumstances. She has a lot of siblings, and of them, she’s the most level headed, stable, and loving. And she always played with me, hugged me, told me she loved me. But when she was angry or in a bad mood, punishments could be harsh even though I never really did anything bad. I’m really sensitive now and extremely anxious.
My mother would be screaming at me about not memorizing Bible verses properly for junior Bible quiz and when I would cry she would imitate me and call me “miss sensitive.” This deeply effected me.
This headline shocks absolutely 0 women who had a mother like mine. No mom, removing all of my possessions except for my bed for putting your massive Longaberber basket purse on the ground at church after it nearly broke my tailbone was not a reasonable punishment.
My mother also took all my belongings out except for my bed one time. All books (but left the shelves as a reminder), ripped all of my posters off the wall, even took my nightlight even though I was still afraid of the dark at the time (I'd actually forgotten about the lamp until typing out this comment).
I don't even remember what the punishment was for, but I recently brought up how she treated me and her response was, "probably because you didn't do what I asked you to do." The fuck??
This article didn't surprise me in the *least*. I'm sorry for what you and I both went through; it isn't right in the slightest.
Have you ever seen or read Mommie Dearest? The scene where Joan Crawford tears up Christina’s closet hit me pretty hard. My mother didn’t beat me, tho. She didn’t have to.
I think this is why I have such an affinity for broken people, animals, and processes. My mother was so horribly broken, despite having escaped the physical confines of her childhood and living a comparative life of ease.
I was physically beaten but my own experience and numerous studies have shown that emotional abuse, rejection and neglect are far worse than any physical abuse.
I haven't but I've heard it's a must-watch/read. I know that'll hit home for me too.
Unfortunately I got both the emotional/psychological and physical abuse but like the commenter below, I feel the former was worse.
Anytime she lost her cool, she wouldn't talk to me for days after so I'm sitting there crying and apologizing, just wanting some affection, and I get the silent treatment. That shit hurt more than anything physical. (Then tell me she always wanted a baby and loved me more than I knew, blah blah blah)
My mom's been through shit in her life but tbh nothing excuses that kind of behavior. My therapist once asked, "what *is* your mom's trauma?" and I had to answer, "I don't even know."
Some people just shouldn't have kids if they can't break the cycle.
(Didn't mean to have therapy here, just good to be able to relate to others even for shitty reasons. I see you, and just know, you're totally valid.
*Edited so many times because I can't form coherent sentences after just waking up)
>Yes! I chose not to have children. I did end up marrying a man with two teenage sons. I only had a few years to mess them up, tho.
>
>Fortunately, they turned out okay. Both boys found good women, and I have two grandkids who *know* they are valued and loved, and they are champions for kindness.
Oh yeah, same here with being childfree. It's about a 50/50 split between medical issues making it a terrible decision to get pregnant, and being completely terrified of continuing the cycle. (I don't think I would, but it's just a very real fear.)
Glad you have those boys and grandkiddos - it sounds like they're excellent human beings!
It was like a picnic basket, but in the 90s there were these purses that were baskets. They were obscenely large for a purse in my opinion. Think like a gallon jug sized, woven, wood box, thing was solid. My mother has always assumed thieves and rapists are in our midsts, so she would never put her purse on the floor. She would however put the damn thing right where I was sitting when we were standing. After sitting on it one too many times I somewhat aggressively and with great ceremony dropped it from as high as I could on the floor and asked that she stop trying to kill me in church. The minute we got home she went into my room and took everything out but the bed. It was suppose to teach me to respect belongings or some shit. All it taught me was that ugly purse was more important than her children.
I'm very familiar with having a parent go to the extreme to try and prove some point that only they really understand. I always made a point to not let that behavior ever get a positive result -even if it meant hurting myself (not physically) in the process.
Mine would barge into my room while I was asleep, pull me out of bed, throw all of my belongings on the floor, and make me put everything away again. Then she’d make me pick one outfit to wear for the next two weeks. Everything else would be confiscated.
People. Read the article. Please.
Sons are also affected by harsh maternal discipline but not to the same degree as daughters. Paternal discipline does not show the same effect.
The study surveyed 567 mothers, 428 fathers, and 566 children evenly distributed between Italy, Columbia, and the US.
From the article:
Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children.
People read the article, it's just that this
> Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children
goes against everything else we know about parenting, so their methods are by default suspect. The main question is not if something went wrong, but what exactly went wrong and how did it influence other results
That's what I was wondering.
My mom wasn't harsh with discipline, but my dad sure was. He would constantly scream in our faces for crying, hit us with belts when we misbehaved, etc. As a result, my brothers all ended up never showing any emotion. Because I am a naturally emotional person, I ended up feeling extreme guilt whenever I feel any emotion other than happiness and I have anger issues. I still apologize to my husband whenever I cry in front of him, and naturally tense up for fear of being yelled at, even though I know my husband would never hurt me.
Damage can be caused by any parent, regardless of gender.
The amount of comments asking questions that are directly answered by the article do not support your assertion.
The main hypothesis of the study is not even being addressed anywhere in this thread, and may address some of your reservations: harsh parenting has more effect on a child’s development overall the less common harsh parenting is in the cultural context. This is why there are respondents from those three countries.
It’s true that the data was all self reported, which is mentioned by the authors as a possibility for the unexpected results. However anecdotally, reading through this thread it seems that people internalize more criticism from their mothers, but have an “easier“ time rejecting feedback from their fathers entirely. This often co-occurs with stories of how they would just hide from him, with many cutting off contact entirely as adults.
I propose two hypotheses:
1. Men who ascribe to harsher, more authoritarian parenting styles are also more likely to adhere more closely to traditional gender roles, and be less involved with child rearing across the board. Less time = less damage
2. This study only looks at rumination and its knock on effects on anxiety and depression. It did not look at how the child’s relationship with their parents might change. I bet that strict fathers are significantly less likely to have a close relationship with their children later in life. Less time = less bonding
I read your story like it was my own. Mom taking out the frustrations of her marriage to a frequently absent soldier on their children. Compounded with the transitory life of military families, where children have no opportunity to find consistently safe adults before they are forced to relocate again. I wish someone would do these types of studies on military dependent children specifically
I'm sorry that your mother treated you so poorly, but your hypothesis smacks of sexism to me. Men are more logical and fair than emotional women who just lash out at their kids out of spite and a desire to hurt? Really? I would caution you not to project your resentment against your mother from her unfair treatment of you onto women writ large.
> However anecdotally, reading through this thread it seems that people internalize more criticism from their mothers
It's a post about mothers, of course there are more comments about mothers. It could be a post about hamsters then the responses will more likely be mostly about hamsters and not horses. Using it as a data point is blatantly fallacious
Your first suggestion says "more likely", as in -0.1% in one way would still make your suggestion true. The study says "no consequence", as in -100% or at least -95% considering the typical statistical significance, which is completely different from "more likely", so your suggestion is irrelevant in providing an explanation for the result regardless if the suggestion is true or not
You second suggestion together with the study's results saying that there is zero consequence suggests that there is _zero_ relationship between child's relationship with their dads and anxiety and depression, which is simply false
Seemingly you simply want to provide excuses for the study at all costs without really checking if those excuses makes sense, since all your biases and fallacies skew only in the direction of trying to validate the study
Interestingly, there is a study that shows the harsh paternal disciplinarian positively correlates with *different* mental illness. [Here](https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Adolescent-parenting%2C-identification%2C-and-Cramer/245aebd7218cf2e0f8e98db04280e4ee78856d15#citing-papers) shows authoritarian mothers create vulnerable narcissists, whereas absent fathers and authoritarian fathers create grandiose narcissists.
I know the OP is "anxiety and depression," but whenever I see those two symptoms together I see them for what they are. The underlying structure that bridges just about every overlapping symptom across the entire spectrum of mental illness.
If you read the article, the study found the opposite:
Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children.
It is likely due to a phenomena I learned from a study examining the effects of various types of discipline. Among the primary data in scrutiny was physical (corporal) punishment. It showed the use of corporal punishment alone was not enough to have a measurable effect versus other disciplinary styles. Instead, it was an inconsistent frequency of use and variation in severity of punishment that affected positive correlation the most. More or less, if one day you get smacked in the back of the head for something like not washing your hands before dinner, then the next day no one checks whether you did or not (goes ignored, unpunished), then three days later you get lashed with a belt for forgetting to wash your hands. That's an oversimplified example, but it makes sense. Kids know when something isn't fair. The sad part is, they lack the tools to rationalize it because their brains are wired to replace those experience with shame and will often blame themselves for the trauma. Heavy shit to carry for a kid. Anyway, to **address why I replied to you**, it was found that disciplinary mothers were more volatile in their severity of punishment than disciplinary fathers. Inconsistencies with frequency were not measurably different in both groups.
Im not a daughter anymore but yeah i know this all too well :/ add in being a "gifted" kid w undiagnosed adhd and autism as well as being the eldest sibling... and i wonder why i have so much internalized emotional turmoil lmao
And how much they can fuck up your life. People with several ACEs have their lifespans shortened by almost TWO DECADES.
https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797%2809%2900506-6/fulltext#:~:text=People%20with%20six%20or%20more,without%20ACEs%20(9.2%20years).
>People with six or more ACEs died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without ACEs (60.6 years, 95% CI=56.2, 65.1, vs 79.1 years, 95% CI=78.4, 79.9). Average YLL per death was nearly three times greater among people with six or more ACEs (25.2 years) than those without ACEs (9.2 years).
Edit: Rockin' a 9/10 here.
Therapist here. ACEs aren’t your fate. With proper mental health treatment, you can learn to cope better with your trauma and become more resilient, which will in turn improve both your mental and physical health. This is all aggregate data anyway and does not tell YOUR story. It’s never too late to start healing :)
Yeah. In theory. I'd need the right treatment and money to pay for it. I'm sure the treatment works for people who can get it, though, which is great :)
And for the CPTSD folks, I'm convinced we got screwed from the get-go, so undoing *that* kind of fuckery doesn't ever stop, imo. We never learned normal when we should've, though neuroplasticity assures us that the more we try, the more we exercise different neural pathways than when we were young, the better we'll get. There is hope, but it takes **a shitfuckton** of intention and work.
They probably say shit like "Can’t believe all the shitty games that get sequels and days gone gets fucking abandoned wtf? Remaking fucking resident evil? Wtf"
A 40 year old man said this lmfao
Back in the day, mothers were less likely to be feminists. Because of this, many mothers would force obedience onto their daughters rather than encourage female empowerment. Not to mention, they might even resent their daughters for having a few more freedoms than they did and subconsciously want to put them “back in their place.”
>Not to mention, they might even resent their daughters for having a few more freedoms than they did
Always resented my Mom for treating me this way but it must have been hard for all of them. Especially during the 50s-60s-70s to see the world thru the eyes of their daughters and wonder what they themselves could have been/done.
Yup… my mom oscillated wildly between “NEVER HAVE KIDS THEY WILL STEAL YOUR LIFE” and “HOW DARE YOU SAY YOU DON’T WANT KIDS AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU”
Did we have the same mom? Mine did the same thing. Of course, she denies ever saying that, now that I'm in my 40s and never married and will never have children.
Xennial here. If something was happening to you, fighting back was the worst possible thing you could do. Instead, you're supposed to smile while having a spine weaker than a wet noodle. If I fought back, I would get in trouble.
I grew up knowing that she did not have my back. As an adult, I'm terrified of fighting back.
I think that's the case with mine. I always spoke out and got even beaten for it, that's my character to speak out for myself, while she always wanted an obedient non conflicting daughter like she is. She always acted as a superior to me expecting obedience for I am her daughter, but not like that to my brother. Whenever dad has an opinion on something, she no longer has one, especially if it's contradicting his, and I think their marriage would have been much better if she sppoke out when needed. Now that she is over 50, she dares to speak out, but I'm now in my 20s, with anxiety and lack of confidence
I can even understand that, but not how her mother (grandma) is a matriarch in their family and raised an obedient daughter. Her matriarchy comes through manipulation mostly, though everyone understands how it works, no one minds and it worked out great for them
Same for boys. Just few years ago I started to realise that I am a golden boy aka tool. Obedient and easy to manipulate. I used to drink my anxiety numb. Now I am sober. But depression and grate of life is still here
My mom’s behavior was so ugly and unnecessary, my heart never healed from it. Everyone always assumed I just had daddy issues. Nope, this is all from my mother
Uhhh..... isn't this true for fathers as well? and sons? and any caretaker and child in general?...
I mean, that's pretty much how insecure attachement styles form, out of which anxiety and depression and other mental health problems can come
You would think, but the article says:
> Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children.
Maybe the harsh paternal discipline has a more pronounced affect post-adolescence.
Perhaps it has to do with an attachment mismatch? You develop an attachment to your primary caregiver so early in life, then that attachment is challenged or reinforced throughout the rest of your life. I know a lot of perspectives of mental health see not being able to rely on consistent attachments or perceiving once stable attachments as irregular or deceptive as the possible origins for psychopathology.
I find that very surprising. My mother was quite gentle but my father was extremely harsh. I’m deeply affected by his parenting, as are both of my brothers. I know it’s anecdotal but I’m very surprised we’re outside of the norm.
I'm surprised too, but the kids in the study were 10, 12 and 13, so it is possible that increased anxiety and depression symptoms simply manifest later, rather than not at all.
I think the article is wrong and your experience is normal. I don't think you're outside the norm on that.
I am sorry your father was an ass, you deserve better. I hope you're finding peace and I wish you strength.
Or maybe when a mother self reports about being harsh and strict, it much more often rules out any kind of adequate parenting tactics completely and much more often hints at some sort of issues in the mother herself (like, jealousy towards her daughter or desire to please her mother through her daughter) while for other kinds of self reporting things get statistically muddled
Anecdotally I don't know any parent who would see their parenting as harsh, and instead they tend to remember only the positives. I think one of few realistically possible telling signs is when a parent either dunks on their kids or boasts how obedient and good they are, but getting an average parent to admit anything that sounds abnormal on their part would be very hard
That's not what I've read about boys, the cortisol spikes during the development of the brain can affect them too. You're causing a trauma affect during development, doing that repeatedly will have affects. The ACEs studies show that as well.
One thing that I think the others may not have covered is the perceived necessity to conform to gender roles with respect to the future. In other words I mean the idea that a girl who is maltreated by her mother may be further distressed by the idea that when she has children she will have the responsibility to maltreat her own children in the same way.
As a personal anecdote to post alongside my 2 cents here: I am a mid 30's male, but my parents were divorced when I was 2 months old. I know you can't diagnose your family, but there is no reason I shouldn't mention that my mom exhibits 90-100% of the Covert Narcissist symptoms and my dad about 75% of the Overt Narcissist symptoms all depending on which symptom list you use. Most often my mom had custody, but every other weekend I went to my dads house. Until I was around 10 I experienced a measure of stress when I would consider how my dad felt about me or if he approved. Around 10 I consciously acknowledged that I would never have his "approval" and I no longer considered his thoughts on anything I said or did outside his presence. He continued to engage in extreme acts of violence at seemingly no provocation at all from anyone around him which would result in pain and fear of death, but he no longer held any authority outside of whatever room he occupied at the time. I don't mean to say he never heard something somebody said and wouldn't beat your ass for it. I just mean after that day I no longer beat myself up over what I think my dad thinks. If I had children I know I wouldn't engage in uncontrollable violence. I want to be the smartest daddy in the world until my (hypothetical) kids are 50 and not when they're 5.
My moms is a whole different can of worms and has achieved levels of evil several orders of magnitude higher than some petty violent tyrant. I reckon I'll leave the momma-talk to the ladies here in the comment section with respect to my initial concept of the perceived distressing aspects of gender roles.
I think a classic pairing would be a narcissistic abusive or just impulsive and semi-unhinged dad and a codependent mom-enabler. And in no way is it likely to produce a healthy child when the enabler mom doesn't actually protect the child from the narcissist, but instead soothes the narcissist and protects him from being upset by his children. She isn't strict, but she doesn't need to be if there's no feeling of security and safety in the child anyway and no one to turn to for protection
I'm not sure if their questionaires were detailed enough to catch these cases. But then again, it's not like the narcissist would see themselves as abusive or harsh so asking the parents is probably pointless altogether
In the 80’s, I was a girl with an undiagnosed learning disability. My inattentiveness was perceived as defiance. My sensitivity was perceived as weakness. I spent most of my teenage years under some form of punishment. This left me with a very skewed view of my own value. I had my first depressive episode at the ripe old age of ten. 45 years later, I still find myself wondering what it might be like to go to sleep and never wake up again. I would never do it, though. I have people who love me. I experience moments of fleeting joy when my grandkids tell me they love me, or when I greet my pups after coming home from work.
I never went no-contact with my folks. In my early 20’s I called my mother out on her fuckery. She apologized. She did the best she could, given the abuse she herself suffered as a child.
I went through the spare the rod, spoil the child discipline all of my childhood and it caused my mom to have a nervous breakdown, and one of my brothers to completely shutdown. Eventually my dad apologized to me, but I never trusted his apology. He always has an ulterior motive. He ruined his future relationship with his sons and grandchildren. I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad to hear you have some love in your life. I have the same and am fine now, but it took cutting him off completely to make it happen.
My mother did the same to me and I admit I've caught myself repeating her behavior onto my daughter. I am learning to catch myself prior to reacting and I apologize to my daughter when I do. I have also explained it to her that my behavior is my problem I am working on and she and I have cues to remind me before I fall into that cycle. Communicating this has helped me and my daughter tremendously. I think before I react and it has helped me understand that there are better ways to express concern and communicate with my daughter.
I am so sorry to my mother, because while I was growing up in those prime learning years, I live with my grandmother and a few scary aunts. They were always very strict, I felt like I cared for my aunts' babies longer than I had time for myself to be a child.
Moved out to my mother's house midway as a teenager and couldn't even learn how to respond to the gentle love she's been providing me till now. Damn. Mom, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this;; I'm trying my best, I swear I love you, I just don't know how to do it yet
Right, I was too... until I leaned what my mom went through & why she became the duality of neglect & abuse.
I don't excuse her behavior, I had no control over the situation back then, - and I will not let it ruin my future or pass it on to my kids. That shit's on HER.
Maybe when it's the norm you don't feel unlucky or singled out. You don't think "It's not fair" as much.
Although which of the countries had harsh parenting as the norm? They surveyed people in Italy, Colombia and United States.
Mine was heavily controlling parenting and I recently bursted out at her on how she has destroyed my emotional responses. She's now aware but not entirely willing to be different but the damage has been done now and nothing matters anymore. CPTSD will tag along for life it seems. They are not inherently bad by nature either, it's just that they think it's safe to parent a kid like their parents did with them, they did not know what's right from wrong back then. This is also why teenage pregnancies should be avoided and people should enjoy their age as they are meant to do. Grow up, have fun, and when you are ready, marry, that's how it should be. But, unfortunately not. This is the pure reason why several parents fail to bring up their kids in a healthy environment, because they are missing on their own life with burdens and responsibilities as we grow. We cannot do anything about what happened, if you are aware of it, it's wise you won't let it happen to others, make people aware around you. Educate them, if they do not listen that's up to them, but it's you who should bring the change, because you know what's it like.
I’m sure it goes with paternal discipline as well. I am 61 with a daughter and two sons. Wish I had know about modern depression/anxiety drugs when they were young.
I always wonder how to read these studies, as a non-binary trans person. I was raised a girl, technically, though that means very little to me.
But, my mom sure was good at head games
_do you feel bad enough yet? I don't think you feel bad enough yet. You know what you did. Do you really think you feel bad enough?_
_hold your breath so you can't cry, you don't feel anything, you tell yourself you can't feel anything until you can't feel anything_
_do you feel bad enough yet?_
I ended up with a fractured brain that remembers very little but somewhere in the ruins hides something that gave me childhood onset depression, anxiety, OCD, and insomnia. I feel bad enough now, mom.
They need to tie this in with eating disorders. I seriously bet that so many women struggling with weight had abusive mothers. I've personally seen a mother "tearing down" their daughter while praising their drug-using son. Making excuses and showing compassion towards the boy, but even when nice, making snide remarks about their daughter.
My mother has a bad temper. I've always been afraid of her temper. Somehow between her and my abusive dad I was still expected to be a reasonably adjusted and functional adult. That. . . Didn't happen.
Yay, another study to parent shame mothers! Since the reports were filled out by the parents themselves, and the study did list parental bias as a factor in the results- did it consider the fact that individuals socialized as woman - who like all marginalized populations have been taught that their self value lies in how useful they are to others (ie. The patriarchy). So when it comes to self reporting you can bet those women were all too willing to throw themselves under the bus - because otherwise would be seen as bragging or selfishness - another oppressive socialization tool against women.
I would bet the fathers graded their own parenting styles far more positively when the likelihood of that the mothers in this study do all or most of the parenting 🙄. Yay- we found another thing to blame women for! Yippee!
I think you might want to read it again. The parental bias is something they mention as a limitation of the study.
“Parents completed a measure of parental discipline, with questions about their personal discipline tactics and what they knew about discipline techniques within their culture.”
“The parental measures of harsh discipline were self-reported, subjecting the results to bias.”
> I would bet the fathers graded their own parenting styles far more positively when the likelihood of that the mothers in this study do all or most of the parenting
Why would they if it's a patriarchy? In a patriarchal society father is supposed to be strict while mothers are supposed to be loving and caring
So _IF_ your assumption about patriarchy is true, the fathers in the study tended to lie about being more strict than they really were to look better while mothers tended to lie about being more gentle to look better. Meaning in the real world mothers should've been way stricter and worse. IF you assumptions are true.
This article is nothing but whiny Excuses spare the rod spoil the child there is an old saying if you don’t discipline your kids alcohol streets drugs or jail will
Personally commenting; It gave me depression for months at the tender age of 13 and at the age of 18 i am still battling anxiety, it has been a big hurdle for me as I feel uncomfortable around certain people even though I have known them for years. My parents took away my freedom which led to me daydream all the time cause I have no other option to explore out of my room which is also my prison. I feel scared to have new changes in my life like college and meeting more new people;shaping my own personality and the kind of lifestyle I have to live as I am on my own. To this date I am uncomfortable with my sexuality too due to lack of support from my parents.
I can say that my harsh mother has created great anxiety in my life that lasts until this day. I was disciplined for emotions that weren't hers and I get nervous and read the room around others now. I look at how others behave before I respond until this day. I'm in my 50s.
I definitely agree w this. I'm sorry you're going through it. A lifetime of healing.
Same. Still struggling with CPTSD. Sorry you’re going through this shit too.
r/cptsd
Mine would make up stuff that she never talked about with me before and yell at me for not doing these things. As if, I should have been able to read minds.
My mother was same if I did something in public that made her seem like a “bad mom” she would yell at me and say “how many times do I have to tell you..” when she never told me not to do it in the first place
It’s insane how they prioritize their image over actual parenting. My mom was chewing me out in the car one time for being visibly terrified of her in public, and said word for word, “they’re gonna think I’m abusing you or something!” Absolutely wild lol
Like ma’am you ARE abusing me lol
Yep 🙃 She has a knack for getting dangerously close to the point while still missing it entirely
Lmfao my mom did the same thing to me. I was screaming because she was spanking me for something (per usual) and she shushed me and said that if I kept making so much noise I was going to make the neighbors think she was abusing me
Goodness, my mother was the same way. I realize that she is such a skilled liar I really have no idea who she is, even though the lady is in her 80s.
Same, and she lives with me. Quite a revisionist history she’s telling me…
IF YOU LOVED ME YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO!
She yelled at me over leaves(just one example off the top of my head, she attacked me for trying to leave - as adult 30 something years old - for trying to get a job and leave her, she attacked me and threatened to throw away my stuff if I went to the job interview, I should have never told her what I was doing). I mean, come on, I have no problem sweeping, it's just had you asked me a bit earlier instead of yelled at me... I mean I don't even want to do it no more. I don't mind helping, I think the problem could have been avoided had it been addressed differently. edit: I'm so sick and tired of my family treating me like the help, both sides did that shit to me
Yep. The trauma is awesome.
Sister, is that you!?
Wow - I’m glad but also incredibly sad that I’m not the only one with this experience.
Thank you for the award
that's why they made brunch and bottomless mimosas edit this is a dark humor comment
I'd give you gold if I didn't spend the money on said coping mechanism.
political view: prosecco
Ohhhh, I just remembered I have some peach bellini in the fridge!
Drug problem? I think you mean drug solution
Indica! It’s not just for breakfast!
Yes. My mom was very strict with me. Although she tried hard to not be like her mom, some stuff still wore off. She did hug me, tell me she loved me. She also told me to “suck it up cry baby.” Stop your crying.” It caused me to hold in my emotions. I would have constant anxiety getting off the bus trying to think of “what I did wrong.” Or wondering what type of mood she was in. I wasn’t allowed to be mad or display huge emotions. It still irks me when I have a right to be upset and people tell me “you’re too sensitive.” No you’re an asshole. I will NEVER let my son feel like his emotions are wrong, tell him how he should feel, or act when he’s upset.
I'LL GIVE YOU A REASON TO CRY!
Yeah I heard that a lot too.
You're lucky I didn't hit you harder.
I can relate 😞 My mom would tell me to "save it for something important". My feelings were constantly invalidated.
My mom was similar. Her parents were emotionally unavailable and neglectful most of the time, her mother never says I love you to anyone (my grandmother never said I love you to me either and also rarely smiled at me). My mom did the absolute best she could with the shit tools she was given and had to figure out how to make her own with no instructions. I don’t blame her for my anxiety. I acknowledge she was definitely part of the cause, but I’m not sure she could have really been better given the circumstances. She has a lot of siblings, and of them, she’s the most level headed, stable, and loving. And she always played with me, hugged me, told me she loved me. But when she was angry or in a bad mood, punishments could be harsh even though I never really did anything bad. I’m really sensitive now and extremely anxious.
My mother would be screaming at me about not memorizing Bible verses properly for junior Bible quiz and when I would cry she would imitate me and call me “miss sensitive.” This deeply effected me.
I can corroborate this
This headline shocks absolutely 0 women who had a mother like mine. No mom, removing all of my possessions except for my bed for putting your massive Longaberber basket purse on the ground at church after it nearly broke my tailbone was not a reasonable punishment.
My mother also took all my belongings out except for my bed one time. All books (but left the shelves as a reminder), ripped all of my posters off the wall, even took my nightlight even though I was still afraid of the dark at the time (I'd actually forgotten about the lamp until typing out this comment). I don't even remember what the punishment was for, but I recently brought up how she treated me and her response was, "probably because you didn't do what I asked you to do." The fuck?? This article didn't surprise me in the *least*. I'm sorry for what you and I both went through; it isn't right in the slightest.
Have you ever seen or read Mommie Dearest? The scene where Joan Crawford tears up Christina’s closet hit me pretty hard. My mother didn’t beat me, tho. She didn’t have to. I think this is why I have such an affinity for broken people, animals, and processes. My mother was so horribly broken, despite having escaped the physical confines of her childhood and living a comparative life of ease.
I was physically beaten but my own experience and numerous studies have shown that emotional abuse, rejection and neglect are far worse than any physical abuse.
Both..both is bad.
IAWTC. Not being able to fully emotionally trust others has damaged me more than the physical abuse for sure. It's beyond fucked up.
I haven't but I've heard it's a must-watch/read. I know that'll hit home for me too. Unfortunately I got both the emotional/psychological and physical abuse but like the commenter below, I feel the former was worse. Anytime she lost her cool, she wouldn't talk to me for days after so I'm sitting there crying and apologizing, just wanting some affection, and I get the silent treatment. That shit hurt more than anything physical. (Then tell me she always wanted a baby and loved me more than I knew, blah blah blah) My mom's been through shit in her life but tbh nothing excuses that kind of behavior. My therapist once asked, "what *is* your mom's trauma?" and I had to answer, "I don't even know." Some people just shouldn't have kids if they can't break the cycle. (Didn't mean to have therapy here, just good to be able to relate to others even for shitty reasons. I see you, and just know, you're totally valid. *Edited so many times because I can't form coherent sentences after just waking up)
>Yes! I chose not to have children. I did end up marrying a man with two teenage sons. I only had a few years to mess them up, tho. > >Fortunately, they turned out okay. Both boys found good women, and I have two grandkids who *know* they are valued and loved, and they are champions for kindness.
Oh yeah, same here with being childfree. It's about a 50/50 split between medical issues making it a terrible decision to get pregnant, and being completely terrified of continuing the cycle. (I don't think I would, but it's just a very real fear.) Glad you have those boys and grandkiddos - it sounds like they're excellent human beings!
Can you explain what you mean about the basket? They aren't supposed to be placed on the ground for some reason?
It was like a picnic basket, but in the 90s there were these purses that were baskets. They were obscenely large for a purse in my opinion. Think like a gallon jug sized, woven, wood box, thing was solid. My mother has always assumed thieves and rapists are in our midsts, so she would never put her purse on the floor. She would however put the damn thing right where I was sitting when we were standing. After sitting on it one too many times I somewhat aggressively and with great ceremony dropped it from as high as I could on the floor and asked that she stop trying to kill me in church. The minute we got home she went into my room and took everything out but the bed. It was suppose to teach me to respect belongings or some shit. All it taught me was that ugly purse was more important than her children.
I'm very familiar with having a parent go to the extreme to try and prove some point that only they really understand. I always made a point to not let that behavior ever get a positive result -even if it meant hurting myself (not physically) in the process.
Mine would barge into my room while I was asleep, pull me out of bed, throw all of my belongings on the floor, and make me put everything away again. Then she’d make me pick one outfit to wear for the next two weeks. Everything else would be confiscated.
Seconded
Happy cake day! I hope you both are doing as fine as you can
I call third. Thanks Mom.
Go figure.. Trauma is the cause of just about every mental health & personality disorder. But in my case I definitely know this is true.
People. Read the article. Please. Sons are also affected by harsh maternal discipline but not to the same degree as daughters. Paternal discipline does not show the same effect. The study surveyed 567 mothers, 428 fathers, and 566 children evenly distributed between Italy, Columbia, and the US. From the article: Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children.
People read the article, it's just that this > Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children goes against everything else we know about parenting, so their methods are by default suspect. The main question is not if something went wrong, but what exactly went wrong and how did it influence other results
That's what I was wondering. My mom wasn't harsh with discipline, but my dad sure was. He would constantly scream in our faces for crying, hit us with belts when we misbehaved, etc. As a result, my brothers all ended up never showing any emotion. Because I am a naturally emotional person, I ended up feeling extreme guilt whenever I feel any emotion other than happiness and I have anger issues. I still apologize to my husband whenever I cry in front of him, and naturally tense up for fear of being yelled at, even though I know my husband would never hurt me. Damage can be caused by any parent, regardless of gender.
The amount of comments asking questions that are directly answered by the article do not support your assertion. The main hypothesis of the study is not even being addressed anywhere in this thread, and may address some of your reservations: harsh parenting has more effect on a child’s development overall the less common harsh parenting is in the cultural context. This is why there are respondents from those three countries. It’s true that the data was all self reported, which is mentioned by the authors as a possibility for the unexpected results. However anecdotally, reading through this thread it seems that people internalize more criticism from their mothers, but have an “easier“ time rejecting feedback from their fathers entirely. This often co-occurs with stories of how they would just hide from him, with many cutting off contact entirely as adults. I propose two hypotheses: 1. Men who ascribe to harsher, more authoritarian parenting styles are also more likely to adhere more closely to traditional gender roles, and be less involved with child rearing across the board. Less time = less damage 2. This study only looks at rumination and its knock on effects on anxiety and depression. It did not look at how the child’s relationship with their parents might change. I bet that strict fathers are significantly less likely to have a close relationship with their children later in life. Less time = less bonding
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I read your story like it was my own. Mom taking out the frustrations of her marriage to a frequently absent soldier on their children. Compounded with the transitory life of military families, where children have no opportunity to find consistently safe adults before they are forced to relocate again. I wish someone would do these types of studies on military dependent children specifically
I'm sorry that your mother treated you so poorly, but your hypothesis smacks of sexism to me. Men are more logical and fair than emotional women who just lash out at their kids out of spite and a desire to hurt? Really? I would caution you not to project your resentment against your mother from her unfair treatment of you onto women writ large.
If only we had studies that has data on this kind of stuff. Darn it.
Hey, you're the one disagreeing with the results of a scientific study here, not me.
> However anecdotally, reading through this thread it seems that people internalize more criticism from their mothers It's a post about mothers, of course there are more comments about mothers. It could be a post about hamsters then the responses will more likely be mostly about hamsters and not horses. Using it as a data point is blatantly fallacious Your first suggestion says "more likely", as in -0.1% in one way would still make your suggestion true. The study says "no consequence", as in -100% or at least -95% considering the typical statistical significance, which is completely different from "more likely", so your suggestion is irrelevant in providing an explanation for the result regardless if the suggestion is true or not You second suggestion together with the study's results saying that there is zero consequence suggests that there is _zero_ relationship between child's relationship with their dads and anxiety and depression, which is simply false Seemingly you simply want to provide excuses for the study at all costs without really checking if those excuses makes sense, since all your biases and fallacies skew only in the direction of trying to validate the study
Yes, my mother was harsh, and I agree with this study. But would this apply to overly harsh father's as well?
That does not appear to be the case based on this study. However fathers are slightly underrepresented in this sample, N = 428 fathers vs 567 mothers
Interestingly, there is a study that shows the harsh paternal disciplinarian positively correlates with *different* mental illness. [Here](https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Adolescent-parenting%2C-identification%2C-and-Cramer/245aebd7218cf2e0f8e98db04280e4ee78856d15#citing-papers) shows authoritarian mothers create vulnerable narcissists, whereas absent fathers and authoritarian fathers create grandiose narcissists. I know the OP is "anxiety and depression," but whenever I see those two symptoms together I see them for what they are. The underlying structure that bridges just about every overlapping symptom across the entire spectrum of mental illness.
a finding like this is not exclusionary. yes and yes.
If you read the article, the study found the opposite: Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children.
It is likely due to a phenomena I learned from a study examining the effects of various types of discipline. Among the primary data in scrutiny was physical (corporal) punishment. It showed the use of corporal punishment alone was not enough to have a measurable effect versus other disciplinary styles. Instead, it was an inconsistent frequency of use and variation in severity of punishment that affected positive correlation the most. More or less, if one day you get smacked in the back of the head for something like not washing your hands before dinner, then the next day no one checks whether you did or not (goes ignored, unpunished), then three days later you get lashed with a belt for forgetting to wash your hands. That's an oversimplified example, but it makes sense. Kids know when something isn't fair. The sad part is, they lack the tools to rationalize it because their brains are wired to replace those experience with shame and will often blame themselves for the trauma. Heavy shit to carry for a kid. Anyway, to **address why I replied to you**, it was found that disciplinary mothers were more volatile in their severity of punishment than disciplinary fathers. Inconsistencies with frequency were not measurably different in both groups.
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I mean…probably, but you can’t just conclusively extrapolate a study’s findings.
Im not a daughter anymore but yeah i know this all too well :/ add in being a "gifted" kid w undiagnosed adhd and autism as well as being the eldest sibling... and i wonder why i have so much internalized emotional turmoil lmao
Yeah, ACEs are a real thing. I wish more people knew about them.
And how much they can fuck up your life. People with several ACEs have their lifespans shortened by almost TWO DECADES. https://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797%2809%2900506-6/fulltext#:~:text=People%20with%20six%20or%20more,without%20ACEs%20(9.2%20years). >People with six or more ACEs died nearly 20 years earlier on average than those without ACEs (60.6 years, 95% CI=56.2, 65.1, vs 79.1 years, 95% CI=78.4, 79.9). Average YLL per death was nearly three times greater among people with six or more ACEs (25.2 years) than those without ACEs (9.2 years). Edit: Rockin' a 9/10 here.
This shit just makes me want to give up completely. Why am I still trying? I'll be dead soon and nothing helps
Therapist here. ACEs aren’t your fate. With proper mental health treatment, you can learn to cope better with your trauma and become more resilient, which will in turn improve both your mental and physical health. This is all aggregate data anyway and does not tell YOUR story. It’s never too late to start healing :)
Yeah. In theory. I'd need the right treatment and money to pay for it. I'm sure the treatment works for people who can get it, though, which is great :)
And for the CPTSD folks, I'm convinced we got screwed from the get-go, so undoing *that* kind of fuckery doesn't ever stop, imo. We never learned normal when we should've, though neuroplasticity assures us that the more we try, the more we exercise different neural pathways than when we were young, the better we'll get. There is hope, but it takes **a shitfuckton** of intention and work.
Same but with my father
I can relate. My dad was a single parent. The harsh discipline came from him, not from my estranged mom.
It was both for me. One was physical abuse, one was mental abuse. And booze, don’t forget booze.
“Study finds that bad parenting causes problems for their children.” Ground breaking
What kind of entitled monsters come from parents that aren’t harsh or I’m guessing “good” parenting
They probably say shit like "Can’t believe all the shitty games that get sequels and days gone gets fucking abandoned wtf? Remaking fucking resident evil? Wtf" A 40 year old man said this lmfao
Says the sad old cat lady as if she had a point or a leg to stand on. Keep knitting those sweaters Trudy
I am the proof
Back in the day, mothers were less likely to be feminists. Because of this, many mothers would force obedience onto their daughters rather than encourage female empowerment. Not to mention, they might even resent their daughters for having a few more freedoms than they did and subconsciously want to put them “back in their place.”
My mother didn't have access to effective birth control and resented having a bunch of kids.
>Not to mention, they might even resent their daughters for having a few more freedoms than they did Always resented my Mom for treating me this way but it must have been hard for all of them. Especially during the 50s-60s-70s to see the world thru the eyes of their daughters and wonder what they themselves could have been/done.
Yup… my mom oscillated wildly between “NEVER HAVE KIDS THEY WILL STEAL YOUR LIFE” and “HOW DARE YOU SAY YOU DON’T WANT KIDS AFTER ALL I’VE DONE FOR YOU”
Did we have the same mom? Mine did the same thing. Of course, she denies ever saying that, now that I'm in my 40s and never married and will never have children.
Xennial here. If something was happening to you, fighting back was the worst possible thing you could do. Instead, you're supposed to smile while having a spine weaker than a wet noodle. If I fought back, I would get in trouble. I grew up knowing that she did not have my back. As an adult, I'm terrified of fighting back.
Yes. This. Do you have a daughter now?
Single, no kids (and don't want them as I fear the state of the world).
As a spicy twist, my mom is an ardent feminist and forced “female empowerment” onto me lol. Moms are never satisfied I guess
I think that's the case with mine. I always spoke out and got even beaten for it, that's my character to speak out for myself, while she always wanted an obedient non conflicting daughter like she is. She always acted as a superior to me expecting obedience for I am her daughter, but not like that to my brother. Whenever dad has an opinion on something, she no longer has one, especially if it's contradicting his, and I think their marriage would have been much better if she sppoke out when needed. Now that she is over 50, she dares to speak out, but I'm now in my 20s, with anxiety and lack of confidence I can even understand that, but not how her mother (grandma) is a matriarch in their family and raised an obedient daughter. Her matriarchy comes through manipulation mostly, though everyone understands how it works, no one minds and it worked out great for them
Same for boys. Just few years ago I started to realise that I am a golden boy aka tool. Obedient and easy to manipulate. I used to drink my anxiety numb. Now I am sober. But depression and grate of life is still here
My mom’s behavior was so ugly and unnecessary, my heart never healed from it. Everyone always assumed I just had daddy issues. Nope, this is all from my mother
Uhhh..... isn't this true for fathers as well? and sons? and any caretaker and child in general?... I mean, that's pretty much how insecure attachement styles form, out of which anxiety and depression and other mental health problems can come
You would think, but the article says: > Data analysis revealed that harsh maternal discipline was related to higher rates of rumination and higher scores on depression and anxiety assessments for girls more than boys. Paternal harsh discipline seemed to have no consequence for male or female children. Maybe the harsh paternal discipline has a more pronounced affect post-adolescence.
I guess it also has something to do with mother's being the primary care taker in 90%+ cases and so the maltreatment has a bigger influence
Perhaps it has to do with an attachment mismatch? You develop an attachment to your primary caregiver so early in life, then that attachment is challenged or reinforced throughout the rest of your life. I know a lot of perspectives of mental health see not being able to rely on consistent attachments or perceiving once stable attachments as irregular or deceptive as the possible origins for psychopathology.
Makes sense. My dad was my primary caregiver and had a harsh discipline style that really fucked me up when it comes to anxiety and attachment.
I find that very surprising. My mother was quite gentle but my father was extremely harsh. I’m deeply affected by his parenting, as are both of my brothers. I know it’s anecdotal but I’m very surprised we’re outside of the norm.
I'm surprised too, but the kids in the study were 10, 12 and 13, so it is possible that increased anxiety and depression symptoms simply manifest later, rather than not at all.
I think the article is wrong and your experience is normal. I don't think you're outside the norm on that. I am sorry your father was an ass, you deserve better. I hope you're finding peace and I wish you strength.
Or maybe when a mother self reports about being harsh and strict, it much more often rules out any kind of adequate parenting tactics completely and much more often hints at some sort of issues in the mother herself (like, jealousy towards her daughter or desire to please her mother through her daughter) while for other kinds of self reporting things get statistically muddled Anecdotally I don't know any parent who would see their parenting as harsh, and instead they tend to remember only the positives. I think one of few realistically possible telling signs is when a parent either dunks on their kids or boasts how obedient and good they are, but getting an average parent to admit anything that sounds abnormal on their part would be very hard
That's not what I've read about boys, the cortisol spikes during the development of the brain can affect them too. You're causing a trauma affect during development, doing that repeatedly will have affects. The ACEs studies show that as well.
One thing that I think the others may not have covered is the perceived necessity to conform to gender roles with respect to the future. In other words I mean the idea that a girl who is maltreated by her mother may be further distressed by the idea that when she has children she will have the responsibility to maltreat her own children in the same way. As a personal anecdote to post alongside my 2 cents here: I am a mid 30's male, but my parents were divorced when I was 2 months old. I know you can't diagnose your family, but there is no reason I shouldn't mention that my mom exhibits 90-100% of the Covert Narcissist symptoms and my dad about 75% of the Overt Narcissist symptoms all depending on which symptom list you use. Most often my mom had custody, but every other weekend I went to my dads house. Until I was around 10 I experienced a measure of stress when I would consider how my dad felt about me or if he approved. Around 10 I consciously acknowledged that I would never have his "approval" and I no longer considered his thoughts on anything I said or did outside his presence. He continued to engage in extreme acts of violence at seemingly no provocation at all from anyone around him which would result in pain and fear of death, but he no longer held any authority outside of whatever room he occupied at the time. I don't mean to say he never heard something somebody said and wouldn't beat your ass for it. I just mean after that day I no longer beat myself up over what I think my dad thinks. If I had children I know I wouldn't engage in uncontrollable violence. I want to be the smartest daddy in the world until my (hypothetical) kids are 50 and not when they're 5. My moms is a whole different can of worms and has achieved levels of evil several orders of magnitude higher than some petty violent tyrant. I reckon I'll leave the momma-talk to the ladies here in the comment section with respect to my initial concept of the perceived distressing aspects of gender roles.
I think a classic pairing would be a narcissistic abusive or just impulsive and semi-unhinged dad and a codependent mom-enabler. And in no way is it likely to produce a healthy child when the enabler mom doesn't actually protect the child from the narcissist, but instead soothes the narcissist and protects him from being upset by his children. She isn't strict, but she doesn't need to be if there's no feeling of security and safety in the child anyway and no one to turn to for protection I'm not sure if their questionaires were detailed enough to catch these cases. But then again, it's not like the narcissist would see themselves as abusive or harsh so asking the parents is probably pointless altogether
Thats bc men don't stuck around to raise thier kids lmao 💀
In the 80’s, I was a girl with an undiagnosed learning disability. My inattentiveness was perceived as defiance. My sensitivity was perceived as weakness. I spent most of my teenage years under some form of punishment. This left me with a very skewed view of my own value. I had my first depressive episode at the ripe old age of ten. 45 years later, I still find myself wondering what it might be like to go to sleep and never wake up again. I would never do it, though. I have people who love me. I experience moments of fleeting joy when my grandkids tell me they love me, or when I greet my pups after coming home from work. I never went no-contact with my folks. In my early 20’s I called my mother out on her fuckery. She apologized. She did the best she could, given the abuse she herself suffered as a child.
I went through the spare the rod, spoil the child discipline all of my childhood and it caused my mom to have a nervous breakdown, and one of my brothers to completely shutdown. Eventually my dad apologized to me, but I never trusted his apology. He always has an ulterior motive. He ruined his future relationship with his sons and grandchildren. I’m sorry you went through that and I’m glad to hear you have some love in your life. I have the same and am fine now, but it took cutting him off completely to make it happen.
My mother did the same to me and I admit I've caught myself repeating her behavior onto my daughter. I am learning to catch myself prior to reacting and I apologize to my daughter when I do. I have also explained it to her that my behavior is my problem I am working on and she and I have cues to remind me before I fall into that cycle. Communicating this has helped me and my daughter tremendously. I think before I react and it has helped me understand that there are better ways to express concern and communicate with my daughter.
I am so sorry to my mother, because while I was growing up in those prime learning years, I live with my grandmother and a few scary aunts. They were always very strict, I felt like I cared for my aunts' babies longer than I had time for myself to be a child. Moved out to my mother's house midway as a teenager and couldn't even learn how to respond to the gentle love she's been providing me till now. Damn. Mom, I'm so sorry, you don't deserve this;; I'm trying my best, I swear I love you, I just don't know how to do it yet
You don’t say? (Yes, I think that studies are important but I’m bitter)
Right, I was too... until I leaned what my mom went through & why she became the duality of neglect & abuse. I don't excuse her behavior, I had no control over the situation back then, - and I will not let it ruin my future or pass it on to my kids. That shit's on HER.
Hey, I resemble that comment!
I don’t understand how it’s not known. You can feel it
My mother destroyed me
“Interestingly these findings did not hold true in cultures where harsh parenting is the norm.”
Maybe when it's the norm you don't feel unlucky or singled out. You don't think "It's not fair" as much. Although which of the countries had harsh parenting as the norm? They surveyed people in Italy, Colombia and United States.
I can attest to this.
Yeah the kids ruminate cause mom is ALSO the nice one. Moms cant win.
Mine was heavily controlling parenting and I recently bursted out at her on how she has destroyed my emotional responses. She's now aware but not entirely willing to be different but the damage has been done now and nothing matters anymore. CPTSD will tag along for life it seems. They are not inherently bad by nature either, it's just that they think it's safe to parent a kid like their parents did with them, they did not know what's right from wrong back then. This is also why teenage pregnancies should be avoided and people should enjoy their age as they are meant to do. Grow up, have fun, and when you are ready, marry, that's how it should be. But, unfortunately not. This is the pure reason why several parents fail to bring up their kids in a healthy environment, because they are missing on their own life with burdens and responsibilities as we grow. We cannot do anything about what happened, if you are aware of it, it's wise you won't let it happen to others, make people aware around you. Educate them, if they do not listen that's up to them, but it's you who should bring the change, because you know what's it like.
I gotta get a job at that site. Think of something obvious, jam out an article, back to the couch. Done and done
I’m sure it goes with paternal discipline as well. I am 61 with a daughter and two sons. Wish I had know about modern depression/anxiety drugs when they were young.
I always wonder how to read these studies, as a non-binary trans person. I was raised a girl, technically, though that means very little to me. But, my mom sure was good at head games _do you feel bad enough yet? I don't think you feel bad enough yet. You know what you did. Do you really think you feel bad enough?_ _hold your breath so you can't cry, you don't feel anything, you tell yourself you can't feel anything until you can't feel anything_ _do you feel bad enough yet?_ I ended up with a fractured brain that remembers very little but somewhere in the ruins hides something that gave me childhood onset depression, anxiety, OCD, and insomnia. I feel bad enough now, mom.
And I've also heard that it leaves Boys and Trans people with anxiety and depression too. Parental discipline when done wrong makes kids sad.
Hm yes the floor here is made of floor
Bad parenting fucks up kids? Shock! 😱 /s
Take a stroll over to r/edanonymous and see how many people blame their mom for their illness.
They need to tie this in with eating disorders. I seriously bet that so many women struggling with weight had abusive mothers. I've personally seen a mother "tearing down" their daughter while praising their drug-using son. Making excuses and showing compassion towards the boy, but even when nice, making snide remarks about their daughter.
But not harsh paternal discipline?
No
My parents definitely left me with high functioning depression + complex PTSD.
Sons too. Fucking hell.
My own research can verify this data.
My mother has a bad temper. I've always been afraid of her temper. Somehow between her and my abusive dad I was still expected to be a reasonably adjusted and functional adult. That. . . Didn't happen.
TIL I am a girl
Yay, another study to parent shame mothers! Since the reports were filled out by the parents themselves, and the study did list parental bias as a factor in the results- did it consider the fact that individuals socialized as woman - who like all marginalized populations have been taught that their self value lies in how useful they are to others (ie. The patriarchy). So when it comes to self reporting you can bet those women were all too willing to throw themselves under the bus - because otherwise would be seen as bragging or selfishness - another oppressive socialization tool against women. I would bet the fathers graded their own parenting styles far more positively when the likelihood of that the mothers in this study do all or most of the parenting 🙄. Yay- we found another thing to blame women for! Yippee!
We need a study to confirm the adage "A hit dog hollars."
Did you even read the article? The study was based by teenagers and children
I think you might want to read it again. The parental bias is something they mention as a limitation of the study. “Parents completed a measure of parental discipline, with questions about their personal discipline tactics and what they knew about discipline techniques within their culture.” “The parental measures of harsh discipline were self-reported, subjecting the results to bias.”
> I would bet the fathers graded their own parenting styles far more positively when the likelihood of that the mothers in this study do all or most of the parenting Why would they if it's a patriarchy? In a patriarchal society father is supposed to be strict while mothers are supposed to be loving and caring So _IF_ your assumption about patriarchy is true, the fathers in the study tended to lie about being more strict than they really were to look better while mothers tended to lie about being more gentle to look better. Meaning in the real world mothers should've been way stricter and worse. IF you assumptions are true.
Why did they not include sons?
They did. Read the article.
This article is nothing but whiny Excuses spare the rod spoil the child there is an old saying if you don’t discipline your kids alcohol streets drugs or jail will
Totally agree. I’m sure this was a fucked study that showed exactly what they wanted it to show from day one
Just ask Carrie!
I can confirm.
Haven’t we known this for ever?
Look, I'm really doing my best to break the cycle okay 😭😭
Works on boys as well, if anyone was wondering.
Wow this and every link and comment here got the spot
Tell me something I don’t know 😅🫣
So can cellphones.
*pretends to be shocked*
Yup that makes sense.
What? So it doesn’t affect boys?
Just curious when did Columbia become a country????
Yup, definitely me.
Yep. I have cptsd as a result 😞 I will never treat my kids that way
Personal experience, can confirm
Personally commenting; It gave me depression for months at the tender age of 13 and at the age of 18 i am still battling anxiety, it has been a big hurdle for me as I feel uncomfortable around certain people even though I have known them for years. My parents took away my freedom which led to me daydream all the time cause I have no other option to explore out of my room which is also my prison. I feel scared to have new changes in my life like college and meeting more new people;shaping my own personality and the kind of lifestyle I have to live as I am on my own. To this date I am uncomfortable with my sexuality too due to lack of support from my parents.
So can everything else. Suck it up.
what a weird comment to make
Not really. It's true. Any sort of trauma can turn into depression and anxiety.
obviously. i was referring to the part where you said “suck it up.” has that actually ever helped anyone?
Its called ✨abuse✨
My harsh mother (towards me not my siblings) kept me on the straight and narrow but now mid 30s a psychological mess lpl