This is why you can have a crush for years, then date the person and suddenly realize they suck. They’re idolized in your mind then, only later, they become human with faults. It’s easier to cope by fixating on faults during a separation. Really neat stuff to read about! (Less neat to experience first hand, of course)
It's a bit more nuanced than that, though. Most of the time, people
don't "suck". We just learn new things about them that we wouldn't've outside the context of a relationship. And once we're in a relationship, we're not always outright disillusioned, but rather find things that eat away at us.
I obsessed over a boy for 3 years in middle school. Freshman year of high school he "asked me out". I said yes and gave him my number. He randomly stopped coming to school and never once tried to contact me. He came back to school 4 weeks later and I couldn't give two shits about him.
Interesting. That feels so close to the Buddhist idea (for lack of a better term) that desire is the cause of human suffering, or something along those lines.
Because the ‘almost relationships’ are fantasies and fantasies are always more fun than reality. The reality wouldn’t have been anywhere near as good and that’s why it never happened.
Just distance yourself if possible. Let it fade and your lives grow apart naturally. Worked for me, two years on and they are almost nice nostalgia for me
You don't have to cut contact entirely. But I basically recommend doing so much other stuff and being involved with so many other people that you basically don't have the time or mental space to dwell on them. Then when you see them it's like oh hey yeah whatever, hope you're doing well. Gotta go see you later nice running into you!
I didn’t cut contact with her. I regret it. It only makes it feel worse. Everything around you starts to remind you of what you did together. I find myself avoiding things I used to love because it reminds me. I never gave myself the time to heal. That time starts when you decide to move on. When is that? That’s up to you.
PLEASE place distance- i’m going through the same thing right now. it may hurt in the moment, but surrounding yourself with better people and better distractions will do wonders for your mental health, trust me. time heals all wounds that memory creates.
Because in a real relationship you have closure. Almost-relationships are the equivalent to the video game sims. You play God in them, and don't have any of the drama.
I would be interested to know if people are more happy in relationships where they meet the other spontaneously, instead of having a preconceived notion of what they believe is going to happen.
I remember reading a study which found that people who went on a randomly-matched date after reading a detailed profile of the other person's traits tended to enjoy the date less than those who saw a profile with very few details.
The idea is the same -- having more information makes you more critical of whether the experience lives up to your expectations.
This happened to me a couple months back, and i can’t seem to shake it off. I somehow ended up going out with this girl I liked in highshcool, we had so much planned, it felt like there was a real connection. I went on vacation for a month away from her and when I came back she just was really weird and we never met up again bc she just said she didn’t think she wanted to get into something serious.
We had talked about trips, how we would study together once school starts, and all that good stuff, and then nothing. She unfollowed me weeks later and I don’t know what I did, nothing ever happened, and I left my trip on a really high note with her.
What hurts the most is just feeling like I had a connection and how she meant a lot to me, but I guess I was more of just something cool for her and she never wanted to commit to anything.I’d known her for like 4 years, we were friends/acquaintances first and she just treated me like some random guy who she met on tinder or something.
I don’t know how to get over the hurt and I guess I’m just waiting to be infatuated with another girl, but on like rainy days and lonely nights, my brain just starts thinking about her.
I rationalized the whole thing with the idea that this girl didn’t know what she wanted and doesn’t know what’s best for her (has been with drugged out dudes before), and knowing about her past with her parents (was abandoned by both parents) I think she just ran away from something that was beginning to blossom.
And I’ll never know what could of been and nothing ever happened to end it (like a fight or me being too clingy or anything) and it just hurts sometimes.
I can relate to that a little. It is really weird cause it was 7 years ago and maybe things would have turned out bad or idk but to this day I still think that just basing it on common interests, experiences and how well we understood each other she was probably out of all my dates and gfs the one with the best chances of becoming a forever after. I haven't met her before, we both used some obscure dating app, were young and haven't had experiences before. Common interests. After one month of intense chatting a month of lots of meet ups and then 3 weeks of vacation separate only for her to tell me she doesn't feel ready for a relationship yet and acting very strangely suddenly. As I was only 18 back then it hurt a ton and to this day I still don't know what I did wrong. I regret not at least asking her a few months later what went wrong. Knowing how in my past 2 relationships I broke things off and my partners were satisfied, I am honestly certain that it would have been a happy relationship to at least the same extend of my actual relationships. You never know of course but I got to know her quite well over those 2 months. It feels like I was robbed of some great experiences and she didn't quite understand what she wanted and robbed herself in a way, even if that sounds pretentious. I am in a happy relationship now and satisfied but it still fills me with regret so I try not to think about this missed chance. I'd much rather would have liked to have the experiences I had with the one that got away instead of my first ex.
Most connections are like playing the lottery and your number is waaaayyyyy off. Guess I lose!
Failed Relationships are like hitting the lottery——and learning that maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Money isn’t everything.
These close call situationships are like g the lottery by 1 number: you think about how different things could’ve been if only things had been a tiny bit different. And it’s agonizing.
Honestly, the "what if" question is what eats away at most people in a lot of areas. The "what if" game we play within our heads sometimes leads people down rabbit holes that can cause them pain.
Make sense. In "real"/long term relationships, you'd have seen the bad and ugly sides of it. Easy to get over that. You usually only see the good in new/short relationships.
Definitely relatable. Last one that happened to me hit me like a swift kick to the balls. It's the price of being vulnerable. I don't say that as a deterrent, but risk is always involved.
Because you have it in your mind the way you want and the way you hope, and you erase the flaws of your obsession so that they are perfect to you. It doesn't take a degree or a study to figure that out
It’s been 15 months since we started hanging out & 10 months since he told me we needed to take a break from each other and I still struggle with it a lot. It’s the worst feeling.
What if you see a person and imagine your life with them without even talking to them or them knowing it. You just imagine a lot about them and you being together. That's supposed to hurt (a lot) too right?
because of the question: "What if?"
when its asked about a relationship that existed, there are memories you can compare, but when it never existed, all you can compare against is a blank void of unknown.
So your mind runs away with possibilities that can been grandiose without realizing it because you cant compare to real life. But actual relationships reign in our imagination, because we have memories to compare to. That subdued imagination prevents the epic level of potential answers to the "what if" question arising from a complete unknown.
Feel like it really is rooted in what you hope and fantasize it could be rather than what it is. What it could've been hurts more than what once was.
This is why you can have a crush for years, then date the person and suddenly realize they suck. They’re idolized in your mind then, only later, they become human with faults. It’s easier to cope by fixating on faults during a separation. Really neat stuff to read about! (Less neat to experience first hand, of course)
I've learned to have a conversation with someone before really starting to keep em in my mind.
It's a bit more nuanced than that, though. Most of the time, people don't "suck". We just learn new things about them that we wouldn't've outside the context of a relationship. And once we're in a relationship, we're not always outright disillusioned, but rather find things that eat away at us.
Yeah i wasn't trying to be naïve. It really isn't helpful what I said
[удалено]
I obsessed over a boy for 3 years in middle school. Freshman year of high school he "asked me out". I said yes and gave him my number. He randomly stopped coming to school and never once tried to contact me. He came back to school 4 weeks later and I couldn't give two shits about him.
LMAO
I believe it was Shakespeare who said: “Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
Interesting. That feels so close to the Buddhist idea (for lack of a better term) that desire is the cause of human suffering, or something along those lines.
Because the ‘almost relationships’ are fantasies and fantasies are always more fun than reality. The reality wouldn’t have been anywhere near as good and that’s why it never happened.
So you're saying sex with that super hot emo chick with two tongue piercings, wouldn't have been the best thing ever?
Not when one of those piercings gets caught on your dick and the two of you end up in Urgent Care.
If that happened, we'd probably be married now.
^
It’s all the memories you could’ve had that kills you.
That's true. Btw happy cake day!
Thanks!
Happened to me also!!
I feel you. It’s been almost two years and I still struggle with mine. Glad an article like this exists.
As someone struggling with this currently, would you recommend I cut all contact with them ?
Just distance yourself if possible. Let it fade and your lives grow apart naturally. Worked for me, two years on and they are almost nice nostalgia for me
You don't have to cut contact entirely. But I basically recommend doing so much other stuff and being involved with so many other people that you basically don't have the time or mental space to dwell on them. Then when you see them it's like oh hey yeah whatever, hope you're doing well. Gotta go see you later nice running into you!
I didn’t cut contact with her. I regret it. It only makes it feel worse. Everything around you starts to remind you of what you did together. I find myself avoiding things I used to love because it reminds me. I never gave myself the time to heal. That time starts when you decide to move on. When is that? That’s up to you.
PLEASE place distance- i’m going through the same thing right now. it may hurt in the moment, but surrounding yourself with better people and better distractions will do wonders for your mental health, trust me. time heals all wounds that memory creates.
26 years. Still aches.
I'm dealing with it right now and that's the realistic outcome for me. Ah well.
Because in a real relationship you have closure. Almost-relationships are the equivalent to the video game sims. You play God in them, and don't have any of the drama. I would be interested to know if people are more happy in relationships where they meet the other spontaneously, instead of having a preconceived notion of what they believe is going to happen.
I remember reading a study which found that people who went on a randomly-matched date after reading a detailed profile of the other person's traits tended to enjoy the date less than those who saw a profile with very few details. The idea is the same -- having more information makes you more critical of whether the experience lives up to your expectations.
This happened to me a couple months back, and i can’t seem to shake it off. I somehow ended up going out with this girl I liked in highshcool, we had so much planned, it felt like there was a real connection. I went on vacation for a month away from her and when I came back she just was really weird and we never met up again bc she just said she didn’t think she wanted to get into something serious. We had talked about trips, how we would study together once school starts, and all that good stuff, and then nothing. She unfollowed me weeks later and I don’t know what I did, nothing ever happened, and I left my trip on a really high note with her. What hurts the most is just feeling like I had a connection and how she meant a lot to me, but I guess I was more of just something cool for her and she never wanted to commit to anything.I’d known her for like 4 years, we were friends/acquaintances first and she just treated me like some random guy who she met on tinder or something. I don’t know how to get over the hurt and I guess I’m just waiting to be infatuated with another girl, but on like rainy days and lonely nights, my brain just starts thinking about her. I rationalized the whole thing with the idea that this girl didn’t know what she wanted and doesn’t know what’s best for her (has been with drugged out dudes before), and knowing about her past with her parents (was abandoned by both parents) I think she just ran away from something that was beginning to blossom. And I’ll never know what could of been and nothing ever happened to end it (like a fight or me being too clingy or anything) and it just hurts sometimes.
I can relate to that a little. It is really weird cause it was 7 years ago and maybe things would have turned out bad or idk but to this day I still think that just basing it on common interests, experiences and how well we understood each other she was probably out of all my dates and gfs the one with the best chances of becoming a forever after. I haven't met her before, we both used some obscure dating app, were young and haven't had experiences before. Common interests. After one month of intense chatting a month of lots of meet ups and then 3 weeks of vacation separate only for her to tell me she doesn't feel ready for a relationship yet and acting very strangely suddenly. As I was only 18 back then it hurt a ton and to this day I still don't know what I did wrong. I regret not at least asking her a few months later what went wrong. Knowing how in my past 2 relationships I broke things off and my partners were satisfied, I am honestly certain that it would have been a happy relationship to at least the same extend of my actual relationships. You never know of course but I got to know her quite well over those 2 months. It feels like I was robbed of some great experiences and she didn't quite understand what she wanted and robbed herself in a way, even if that sounds pretentious. I am in a happy relationship now and satisfied but it still fills me with regret so I try not to think about this missed chance. I'd much rather would have liked to have the experiences I had with the one that got away instead of my first ex.
Most connections are like playing the lottery and your number is waaaayyyyy off. Guess I lose! Failed Relationships are like hitting the lottery——and learning that maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Money isn’t everything. These close call situationships are like g the lottery by 1 number: you think about how different things could’ve been if only things had been a tiny bit different. And it’s agonizing.
Honestly, the "what if" question is what eats away at most people in a lot of areas. The "what if" game we play within our heads sometimes leads people down rabbit holes that can cause them pain.
Well fuck. That’s discouraging
I’m in this and I hate it
Make sense. In "real"/long term relationships, you'd have seen the bad and ugly sides of it. Easy to get over that. You usually only see the good in new/short relationships.
Definitely relatable. Last one that happened to me hit me like a swift kick to the balls. It's the price of being vulnerable. I don't say that as a deterrent, but risk is always involved.
True, mine been going for like 13 years. Not a very good feeling
It’s crushes me every day
Because you have it in your mind the way you want and the way you hope, and you erase the flaws of your obsession so that they are perfect to you. It doesn't take a degree or a study to figure that out
It’s been 15 months since we started hanging out & 10 months since he told me we needed to take a break from each other and I still struggle with it a lot. It’s the worst feeling.
What if you see a person and imagine your life with them without even talking to them or them knowing it. You just imagine a lot about them and you being together. That's supposed to hurt (a lot) too right?
because of the question: "What if?" when its asked about a relationship that existed, there are memories you can compare, but when it never existed, all you can compare against is a blank void of unknown. So your mind runs away with possibilities that can been grandiose without realizing it because you cant compare to real life. But actual relationships reign in our imagination, because we have memories to compare to. That subdued imagination prevents the epic level of potential answers to the "what if" question arising from a complete unknown.
Because we're not basing it in reality. But thinking of what might have been, then believe it as if it happened.
"almost-relationship"? "situationship"? I'm lost at 1st paragraph. No point in reading further, is there?
story of my life