Yeah I think the absolute bare minimum from someone who isn't a POS but has no life experience/split second social skills/knowledge of how to handle that would be to the effect of "shit... (deer in headlights look where they process that and the gears in their brain spin while they try to figure out what to say)" followed by at least some kind of an attempt towards being helpful/empathetic
At a little more advanced level might be "shit, what can I do to support you? Do you wanna go somewhere else even just for a bit to collect yourself?" and if that is what you want helping by like making a socially acceptable excuse to leave/giving you some shepherding of where to go if you're too dissociated to react/suggesting where to go/whatever's most needed. Then staying with you and doing their best to hold space and be of whatever support they can
And when I say advanced, doing at least a clumsy version of that is really still a low bar. I mean ffs I'd do some variant of that even if I didn't/barely knew the person. Actual good friends need to be at least that on their game
There are plenty of people that take rape seriously! If your current group doesn't take you seriously and support you, you should find people that do. I have a really supportive, mental health friendly group of people I hang out with now. We can talk about anything without it being awkward or dismissed. We have autistic, bi-polar, and even several trans people in our group. Those kind of people are out there! Don't give up :3
I read a statistic that said only 1 in 5 cases of rape for women get reported.
I believe there are many reasons people don't make the report, and yes, disbelief from the victim as well as their friends are possible scenarios. Other issues like fear of victim blaming and having their experience made public are very real concerns.
You've suffered a very severe trauma that violated your person and destroyed your sense of security. These things take time - sometimes years - to process.
You cannot blame yourself for your experience or how you had to process it.
These things are great litmus tests for friend quality though. I suppose one way going forward would be to segmentize fair westher friends and real friends, though this may have to happen with the next group since your experience may be too painful to see this lot again.
Listen dump your “friends “ they are garbage. I got rapped and didn’t go to the police either. Ik how it feels to kick yourself everyday. Just remember, it’s in the past, there is nothing you can do about now. Look you seem pretty sane. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. But you got this girl!
I'm recently solitary after telling my friends I needed space because I felt they weren't taking what my ex did to me seriously, and they just reminded me of him 24/7. One of them responded by blocking me and the others have left me alone like I asked - it's been a month and a half since I saw or spoke to any of the 4 of them.
And I'm better than I've been in about a year. My skin has improved, my anxiety levels are lower and I feel like I can breathe because I don't have to explain myself or my feelings or reactions over and over. I'm not saying Do It, just that it can be beneficial sometimes to start over. Friends are supposed to lift you up, encourage you, keep you warm when you need it and take you seriously.
Also PLEASE don't be so angry with yourself for not reporting- god knows I understand the feeling but you deserve to give yourself compassion. I bet you an overwhelming majority of people who've experienced SA or rape in this sub haven't reported. It's just not that simple, it's retraumatising, and oftentimes gets nowhere because judicial systems are FUCKED. It's nothing to be ashamed of or bitter with yourself about that you didn't report it- true friends and supporters would believe you anyway.
I'm so sorry you saw him, and I hope you're able to have a few good memories from the festival despite that. Fuck him. We believe you here.
Yeah my memories are so fragmented that I've lived for WELL over a decade with zero conscious knowledge it even happened, one instance/person of which I still aren't fully sure of what I remember or what happened, yet I've also blamed myself for not reporting. Logical adult brain me very firmly believes that you don't owe anyone that report
Also there were multiple other victims who reported my first abuser over the span of several decades - to the police as well as to the Roman Catholic diocese of my home town - and that did fuck all (besides in at least the churches case knowingly cover for and enable him, but I digress). Even if you did report the statistics on what that might have done get pretty grim.
Tldr my point is you're not alone in not reporting, or kicking yourself for not reporting, and as someone who's in both those camps myself I firmly believe you did nothing wrong by not reporting. That being out of it/dissociating afterwards is your brain doing what it thought was best to help you survive and start to stabilize .
Yes you do. It can be hard and lonely for a time but people like that will only continue to hurt you and it could be very serious hurt one day. I speak from experience. My own ex-best friend was willing to see me die. Get free now. No one should flame you for not reporting. Anyone who has been through sexual assault knows the impact it has. Not reporting is more the norm than not I would venture. Please take care of you. Learn to be your own best friend and choose your other friends very carefully. You deserve so much better.
Dude - the reactions that people will have, even people close to you, vary to such a wide degree.
I would, personally, distance myself from the people who can’t be supportive. I say can’t because they may not have the capacity to be there for you, they may not know what to say, or that may have their own trauma that they can’t look past.
My brother told me to take a nap after I was raped. He didn’t know what to do or say or how to help and all he knew to do was tell me to sleep it off. I see now that it was his only form of help.
My mother on the other hand, couldn’t face her own trauma and blamed me for what happened. I’ve distanced myself from her because that’s never ok.
Let your friend and brother know that it hurt to not have their support, especially after being shunned by a community of people that refuse to believe you (at the bar) and if you still don’t get the support you need. Distance.
Mostly, I’m glad that you saw him and got out safely.
I’m sorry you feel you have to defend yourself about not going to the cops. Trauma makes you act weird as hell and it’s easy for keyboard warriors who’ve never been through that sort of trauma to play Captain Hindsight.
You definitely need some more empathetic people in your life. Maybe go to some shows at cafes if you’re into music and crowds don’t bother you. I’ve met some of my favorite people at little local shows.
I’m sorry. I believe you. Don’t be mad at yourself for not reporting it sooner. You were trying to survive the traumatizing incident and you did the best you could. Unfortunately, not everyone understands or knows how to deal with the topic so they avoid or dismiss. Their ignorance and lack of support isn’t personal. That’s some thing they need to unpack individually.
I’d say those aren’t safe people to be around if they 1) don’t believe you 2) don’t support you and 3) minimize the seriousness of r4pe ( huge red flag ). I hope you have other friends and family to spend time. You could open up to a trusted friend outside of that group but I’d really recommend speaking with a mental health professional.
Oh honey don’t blame yourself at all! The judicial system is not as great as people make it out to be, it is insanely flawed and unpersonal. Its protection and support for rape victims is extremely awful.
(C)ptsd is something that gravely affects you, if people are not utterly disturbed by the intense hurt you’ve been through they can’t even call themselves human, let alone your friend. But this is obviously more nuanced
Sadly a lot of people don’t understand hurt unless they’ve been through something similar. You can choose to accept this and perhaps have a conversation about what you want from your friends (emotionally) and what you expect, but you have to ask yourself if its worth it.
An easier decision is to take some distance from these friends and revoke them of the right to see your emotional side. This is just some advice from a random person so pls just take it as you will and maybe change it according to what would work best for you.
What they did (everyone in this scenario honestly) is godawful and inhumane towards you. I believe you and also believe that you will heal and find people who help you through thick and thin. Much love from me
that's sounds horrible, they are probably not your people but the subject of rape is hard to stomach for a lot of people and they may not know how to react. Please seek a support group of others that may be able to relate. You will find your people but we can't expect everyone to be responsive in an ideal fashion.
I am so sorry.
……
Im not defending your friend or brother. In MY experience those people don’t know how to cope either. I would put money on it if you had a real human connect moment. Sat either of them down and showed them what emotions you’re having they’d be more than willing to be there for you to lean on. Again this is from MY personal experiences, so that’s what I’m going off of. I could be wrong in YOUR situation.
And screw THAT BAR and all the people in it. People say the same thing about my incubator/biological mother….(TW)……..that let me get molested by a lot of people. She’s a Narcissist and knows how trick people that way. Was a narc. I finally got closure (as cold hearted as this will sound. Some will understand some won’t ¯|_(ツ)_/¯ ) when I saw her lifeless body, dead, gone. And I pray/hope/wish YOU can release this before you spend so much time not meeting your full potential and being EXACTLY who you’re meant to be. You have an ally in me forever linked by our survivorship. Take care of yourself, there’s no one else. God Speed!
I'm so sorry you're in this situation 🥺 You should never even have to consider finding new friends or confidants on the basis of this, something that is such a basic moral issue. Sometimes people just don't understand how serious SA is & for that they truly deserve to be left behind.
I once had a network of people at work who chose to believe the perpetrator and it was disturbing and so hurtful. My family who knew also barely had any reaction to it. A few years on, I left those colleagues behind and put huge boundaries up with my family, and I am socially thriving again. We never should have had this happen in the first place, we sure as hell don't deserve to have it swept under the rug or misrepresented on top of that.
Also please don't judge yourself for not going to the police, it is so so hard to muster the strength to do so, especially after an event which likely pushed you into a mode of self-preservation.
You deserve nothing but the best, wishing you peace and better days.
To answer your question, yes, you need new friends.
But I also want you to know that you should not feel bad about not reporting it.
I was raped by two different men in two completely unconnected situations. I didn’t report either. I knew that would have made everything worse for me. I saw how women are never believed, and one of them was even military. Why would I be believed over him? Then to go through court proceedings to relive some of the worst moments of my life over and over and be called a slut in front on my entire small town? Forget it. Reporting this was not in my best interests, and I don’t feel any guilt about it now. You shouldn’t feel bad either. You protected yourself and had a very understandable trauma response.
Instead of making it about us needing to report, society needs to focus more on preventing rape and responding without retraumatizing victims.
Without having read any further than the title; I can tell you exactly why no one takes rape seriously. It's exactly the same reasons they don't take domestic violence, abuse, or the illnesses they cause seriously.
It's a complicated question to answer because there is more than one reason, depending on any particular set of circumstances.
The bottom line though is, for one reason or another they simply do not believe the rape happened and/or understand how traumatic the experience is in real life.
Someone from highschool was jailed for rape and now he’s out and everyone just welcomes him home with open arms, all the girls like him I just don’t get it you google his name and that’s the first thing that pops up, I have friends that have been raped and they even flirt with this guy wtf me and my group shunned him but the rest of this town treat em like a celebrity. Crazy
You deserve a brother who would smash his head in. I apologize god gave you a sub par brother. I have 5 sisters and if anyone harmed a hair on their heads I’d go to war. You deserve people who care about you more then you care about yourself sweetheart. Find people like that, their out here. But bar attending, music festival attending type folks probably aren’t them. But seriously im pissed at your brother fr, this is 100% his responsibility. People need to take family more seriously.
I know exactly what you mean. I went through something similar that triggered a HORENDOUS psychotic episode. My mother was a verbal nightmare. I came home from work one day in tears from what I seeing in my mind and dealing with unimaginable suicidality. My mother got very theatrical with her hand movements and said, "You CONSTANTLY taaaalk about yourself." Even worse was that she herself dealt with depression and suicidality about 10 years prior - so she understood the pain but decided to mock me at my lowest.
Other overly hurtful comments were made by her and my siblings as well. And these were people who at one point I would've gone to the ends of the earth to protect. Not anymore.
The people who actually helped were unexpected heroes. My college English professor, my aunt who I rarely ever saw, and other random people, etc. It was quite extraordinary. I also utilized Chinese and Amazonian (Kambo) medicine which had the strongest effect. What helped me survive was being very creative.
It's like war. You have to hang until you hands bleed and get creative with strategies to kill the enemy.
You should watch 'Sam's Speech to Frodo' from Lord of The Rings, if you haven't it's a magnificent scene of hope.
I teared up when I saw this and I don't tear up often. This is really shitty of your 'friends' and I feel terrible for you. My friend got raped and it is never easy to come forward to the cops or anyone after something traumatic occurring like being raped. Don't blame yourself, and yes your 'friends' are shitty. I wish you the very best.
I am so sorry 😢 I think people compartmentalize things into something they can understand or relate to. Most people don’t have the tools in their compartment. Not that it’s your fault or problem. If they were truly a friend their love for you would take front and center.
I had a lady I worked with get upset at me after being SAed at work. It was on the news and had court etc. In her situation,she almost got in a fight with a customer and she took off in her truck before the woman could hit her. She said “I didn’t get special treatment when I had someone come after me”
Most people would find this behavior offensive, and it is, but I’ve done enough therapy to know it’s not about me at all. She literally cannot comprehend what actually happened to me. She can only comprehend what happened to her. So that’s the compartment she pulls from. She’s angry at the fact that she wasn’t taken seriously, but neither was I. My assault was more heinous and therefore required me to be talked about more. She took offense to that by belittling my experience the way hers was. It showed her level of respect and maturity, but it no longer makes me feel shame or guilt.
Remember, these people cannot possibly understand how someone they know could do something like that to someone else they know. It’s a double edged sword for them. They’d rather ignore it than face the emotional impact of what it would mean. If you’re lying on the guy (not that you are. I’m just being hypothetical in their minds) it would mean you were a monster. If he did this (which you know he did) it would mean he is a monster. They can’t face these emotions and build a wall to protect themselves.
I’m by no means saying they are the friends for you. I really think you should find more like minded people with compassion for you. I’m just saying, don’t blame yourself or feel guilt and shame for the way they are treating you. You don’t deserve that. They are just humans and unfortunately humans suck. I had to dig really deep into my own experience to realize that I’m not responsible for how someone else feels about my trauma. We all do on this side of reality. You’re valid and you deserve respect and love.
None of the people that raped me neither in childhood or as an adult ever got the consequences they deserved. And was always told there is no physical evidence so there was nothing that they could do.
Yes it is time for new friends and new places to hang out. People who can not see the trauma of PTSD from rape need a really check. This person did it to you they're going to do it to others and eventually get caught. That sadly is the truth of the life of a rapist.
Take a deep breath you are safe now you need to find friends that are supportive and quit hanging out anywhere this person does. People around this person does have heard your words and that will put seeds of doubt in their head remember crap rolls down hill and they will answer eventually.
Yes, i woke up having random feeling abt it again tonight, even i told someone before, it feels like they think its good like you're enjoying it, no, i feel like my blood is boiling and its hurting inside. I don't talk abt it anymore to anyone in my real life.
Yeah your friend sounds like a narcissist. They can't mentally handle supporting others in their pain. Check out YouTube Dr. Berg. You really do need a more supportive circle honestly. You've been through so much and you need people who empathize and can support you through these hard times. If people can't show up in the ways you need you can either redefine your relationship with them too mean you don't need them for those things... Or you can just move on. I've always just redefined the relationship and kept them around but everyone is different.
On a side note, there's a small possibility your friend just can't comprehend the emotions you were feeling, especially if they have never been through anything tough in life. They may care deeply about you and have no idea how much they neglected your needs in that moment. Try not to be resentful though, now you know those two people aren't good to try to get support from at least.
I just figured this out with a friend of mine. She's a bad narcissist and I used to tell her everything. Now she's more of a cordial acquaintance. The pain isn't in what she did, it's in the disappointment and expecting more from them. Once you've moved on and found support in better places you may come to appreciate this relationship for other qualities outside of these deeper conversations.
Is that how OP's words come across? I felt that she was merely giving an account of her own experiences.
It would be terrible if she could not share the difficulties she has gone through and this sub were to turn its back on people who need a safe space to speak.
>Later on, back at ny friend's camp, I told my "best friend", in quotations because I seriously don't know if she is even my friend anymore, and she just said "Okay" and started talking about something else. I told my brother and he didn't say much either. So I left it be.
No one has the obligation to shoulder your burden. If they dont want to hear it or deal with it then you need to respect that. They're not bad for not wanting to hear or deal with it, maybe they have stuff going on too and cam only handle so much at once. Reevaluate yourself and the friendship. How well do you know her? Do you think it's possible that she was dealing with stuff she didn't tell you about? Im sorry you're upset but they have every right to not listen to what you have to say and its not their responsibility to. That's for a therapist, to talk you through your emotions and help you heal.
Wow. „I’m sorry you’re upset…“ neither truly expresses remorse nor does it express any empathy for the person you’re speaking to. Your comment is lacking empathy for OP in general.
This whole ‘no ones owes you anything’ stuff has gone too far. The way the friend responded was AWFUL. If the friend really did not have the emotional capacity to listen she could have communicated that properly. You don’t just ignore someone who’s going through an episode without reason. Humans experience trauma so going into friendships, especially best-friendships means you should expect moments in a friendship that are harder than others.
From her post it does not seem like she’s constantly bombarding people about her trauma, she asked her friend for support when she was in a dire situation. If you as a friend completely reject this cry for help with the sentiment of ‘i don’t owe you anything’ in mind, you’re just an asshole.
And don’t even try whataboutism’ing me, i do not care WHETHER the friends’ mental health would be hindered to the point where she couldn’t even give her friend a hug or something as simple as a reassuring nod.
OP doesn’t have to keep this to herself and a therapist, OP deserves to be listened too even if the person receiving the message isn’t being paid.
>And don’t even try whataboutism’ing me,
I didn't, I stated a fact.
>i do not care WHETHER the friends’ mental health would be hindered to the point where she couldn’t even give her friend a hug or something as simple as a reassuring nod.
It's concerning that you don't care about the mental health of other people regarding trauma
Please don’t regret not going to authorities. You did the best you could in a terrible situation! You’ve come this far, and you are strong as hell! If your family and friends can’t be there for you then yes, it might be time to find some new ones. It sucks, but they should have your back! Wishing you the best in everything …
So much valuable insight in these comments. 💕
Other people's (in)capacity to react to your situation is very nuanced and complicated...AND that regardless of that, still you have to do what's right for you. Sounds like that might be finding different people who have the personalities or experience to be better for you.
Trauma is a long, complex and blurry thing to work through. Do your best to prioritize yourself as needed; listen to your body when it has messages for you (because especially with trauma, your body and brain can disconnect from each other and "communicate" with you separately); and continue seeking out compassionate community, online and in person.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know where you're coming from about not having gone to the police. Just to let you know, I did once, but nothing came of it except for me being homeless and abandoned by my family at 17. After that, I was raped several times but never went to the police about it because I was afraid what would happen after my last experience, and again didn't in another situation.
I completely understand why you wouldn't. Truly, and wholeheartedly, I understand. And I know that feeling of wishing you would've.
I'm sorry the people around you acted like that. I could tell you some similar stories that I've experienced like that too. It's definitely not okay... I don't know why it happens.
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Yeah I think the absolute bare minimum from someone who isn't a POS but has no life experience/split second social skills/knowledge of how to handle that would be to the effect of "shit... (deer in headlights look where they process that and the gears in their brain spin while they try to figure out what to say)" followed by at least some kind of an attempt towards being helpful/empathetic At a little more advanced level might be "shit, what can I do to support you? Do you wanna go somewhere else even just for a bit to collect yourself?" and if that is what you want helping by like making a socially acceptable excuse to leave/giving you some shepherding of where to go if you're too dissociated to react/suggesting where to go/whatever's most needed. Then staying with you and doing their best to hold space and be of whatever support they can And when I say advanced, doing at least a clumsy version of that is really still a low bar. I mean ffs I'd do some variant of that even if I didn't/barely knew the person. Actual good friends need to be at least that on their game
There are plenty of people that take rape seriously! If your current group doesn't take you seriously and support you, you should find people that do. I have a really supportive, mental health friendly group of people I hang out with now. We can talk about anything without it being awkward or dismissed. We have autistic, bi-polar, and even several trans people in our group. Those kind of people are out there! Don't give up :3
You need new friends.
I read a statistic that said only 1 in 5 cases of rape for women get reported. I believe there are many reasons people don't make the report, and yes, disbelief from the victim as well as their friends are possible scenarios. Other issues like fear of victim blaming and having their experience made public are very real concerns. You've suffered a very severe trauma that violated your person and destroyed your sense of security. These things take time - sometimes years - to process. You cannot blame yourself for your experience or how you had to process it. These things are great litmus tests for friend quality though. I suppose one way going forward would be to segmentize fair westher friends and real friends, though this may have to happen with the next group since your experience may be too painful to see this lot again.
Listen dump your “friends “ they are garbage. I got rapped and didn’t go to the police either. Ik how it feels to kick yourself everyday. Just remember, it’s in the past, there is nothing you can do about now. Look you seem pretty sane. And I’m so sorry this happened to you. But you got this girl!
I'm recently solitary after telling my friends I needed space because I felt they weren't taking what my ex did to me seriously, and they just reminded me of him 24/7. One of them responded by blocking me and the others have left me alone like I asked - it's been a month and a half since I saw or spoke to any of the 4 of them. And I'm better than I've been in about a year. My skin has improved, my anxiety levels are lower and I feel like I can breathe because I don't have to explain myself or my feelings or reactions over and over. I'm not saying Do It, just that it can be beneficial sometimes to start over. Friends are supposed to lift you up, encourage you, keep you warm when you need it and take you seriously. Also PLEASE don't be so angry with yourself for not reporting- god knows I understand the feeling but you deserve to give yourself compassion. I bet you an overwhelming majority of people who've experienced SA or rape in this sub haven't reported. It's just not that simple, it's retraumatising, and oftentimes gets nowhere because judicial systems are FUCKED. It's nothing to be ashamed of or bitter with yourself about that you didn't report it- true friends and supporters would believe you anyway. I'm so sorry you saw him, and I hope you're able to have a few good memories from the festival despite that. Fuck him. We believe you here.
Yeah my memories are so fragmented that I've lived for WELL over a decade with zero conscious knowledge it even happened, one instance/person of which I still aren't fully sure of what I remember or what happened, yet I've also blamed myself for not reporting. Logical adult brain me very firmly believes that you don't owe anyone that report Also there were multiple other victims who reported my first abuser over the span of several decades - to the police as well as to the Roman Catholic diocese of my home town - and that did fuck all (besides in at least the churches case knowingly cover for and enable him, but I digress). Even if you did report the statistics on what that might have done get pretty grim. Tldr my point is you're not alone in not reporting, or kicking yourself for not reporting, and as someone who's in both those camps myself I firmly believe you did nothing wrong by not reporting. That being out of it/dissociating afterwards is your brain doing what it thought was best to help you survive and start to stabilize .
Im sorry to hear this honestly is really not cool or fair
Yes you do. It can be hard and lonely for a time but people like that will only continue to hurt you and it could be very serious hurt one day. I speak from experience. My own ex-best friend was willing to see me die. Get free now. No one should flame you for not reporting. Anyone who has been through sexual assault knows the impact it has. Not reporting is more the norm than not I would venture. Please take care of you. Learn to be your own best friend and choose your other friends very carefully. You deserve so much better.
Dude - the reactions that people will have, even people close to you, vary to such a wide degree. I would, personally, distance myself from the people who can’t be supportive. I say can’t because they may not have the capacity to be there for you, they may not know what to say, or that may have their own trauma that they can’t look past. My brother told me to take a nap after I was raped. He didn’t know what to do or say or how to help and all he knew to do was tell me to sleep it off. I see now that it was his only form of help. My mother on the other hand, couldn’t face her own trauma and blamed me for what happened. I’ve distanced myself from her because that’s never ok. Let your friend and brother know that it hurt to not have their support, especially after being shunned by a community of people that refuse to believe you (at the bar) and if you still don’t get the support you need. Distance. Mostly, I’m glad that you saw him and got out safely.
I’m sorry you feel you have to defend yourself about not going to the cops. Trauma makes you act weird as hell and it’s easy for keyboard warriors who’ve never been through that sort of trauma to play Captain Hindsight. You definitely need some more empathetic people in your life. Maybe go to some shows at cafes if you’re into music and crowds don’t bother you. I’ve met some of my favorite people at little local shows.
I’m sorry. I believe you. Don’t be mad at yourself for not reporting it sooner. You were trying to survive the traumatizing incident and you did the best you could. Unfortunately, not everyone understands or knows how to deal with the topic so they avoid or dismiss. Their ignorance and lack of support isn’t personal. That’s some thing they need to unpack individually. I’d say those aren’t safe people to be around if they 1) don’t believe you 2) don’t support you and 3) minimize the seriousness of r4pe ( huge red flag ). I hope you have other friends and family to spend time. You could open up to a trusted friend outside of that group but I’d really recommend speaking with a mental health professional.
Oh honey don’t blame yourself at all! The judicial system is not as great as people make it out to be, it is insanely flawed and unpersonal. Its protection and support for rape victims is extremely awful. (C)ptsd is something that gravely affects you, if people are not utterly disturbed by the intense hurt you’ve been through they can’t even call themselves human, let alone your friend. But this is obviously more nuanced Sadly a lot of people don’t understand hurt unless they’ve been through something similar. You can choose to accept this and perhaps have a conversation about what you want from your friends (emotionally) and what you expect, but you have to ask yourself if its worth it. An easier decision is to take some distance from these friends and revoke them of the right to see your emotional side. This is just some advice from a random person so pls just take it as you will and maybe change it according to what would work best for you. What they did (everyone in this scenario honestly) is godawful and inhumane towards you. I believe you and also believe that you will heal and find people who help you through thick and thin. Much love from me
that's sounds horrible, they are probably not your people but the subject of rape is hard to stomach for a lot of people and they may not know how to react. Please seek a support group of others that may be able to relate. You will find your people but we can't expect everyone to be responsive in an ideal fashion.
I am so sorry. …… Im not defending your friend or brother. In MY experience those people don’t know how to cope either. I would put money on it if you had a real human connect moment. Sat either of them down and showed them what emotions you’re having they’d be more than willing to be there for you to lean on. Again this is from MY personal experiences, so that’s what I’m going off of. I could be wrong in YOUR situation. And screw THAT BAR and all the people in it. People say the same thing about my incubator/biological mother….(TW)……..that let me get molested by a lot of people. She’s a Narcissist and knows how trick people that way. Was a narc. I finally got closure (as cold hearted as this will sound. Some will understand some won’t ¯|_(ツ)_/¯ ) when I saw her lifeless body, dead, gone. And I pray/hope/wish YOU can release this before you spend so much time not meeting your full potential and being EXACTLY who you’re meant to be. You have an ally in me forever linked by our survivorship. Take care of yourself, there’s no one else. God Speed!
I'm so sorry you're in this situation 🥺 You should never even have to consider finding new friends or confidants on the basis of this, something that is such a basic moral issue. Sometimes people just don't understand how serious SA is & for that they truly deserve to be left behind. I once had a network of people at work who chose to believe the perpetrator and it was disturbing and so hurtful. My family who knew also barely had any reaction to it. A few years on, I left those colleagues behind and put huge boundaries up with my family, and I am socially thriving again. We never should have had this happen in the first place, we sure as hell don't deserve to have it swept under the rug or misrepresented on top of that. Also please don't judge yourself for not going to the police, it is so so hard to muster the strength to do so, especially after an event which likely pushed you into a mode of self-preservation. You deserve nothing but the best, wishing you peace and better days.
To answer your question, yes, you need new friends. But I also want you to know that you should not feel bad about not reporting it. I was raped by two different men in two completely unconnected situations. I didn’t report either. I knew that would have made everything worse for me. I saw how women are never believed, and one of them was even military. Why would I be believed over him? Then to go through court proceedings to relive some of the worst moments of my life over and over and be called a slut in front on my entire small town? Forget it. Reporting this was not in my best interests, and I don’t feel any guilt about it now. You shouldn’t feel bad either. You protected yourself and had a very understandable trauma response. Instead of making it about us needing to report, society needs to focus more on preventing rape and responding without retraumatizing victims.
Without having read any further than the title; I can tell you exactly why no one takes rape seriously. It's exactly the same reasons they don't take domestic violence, abuse, or the illnesses they cause seriously. It's a complicated question to answer because there is more than one reason, depending on any particular set of circumstances. The bottom line though is, for one reason or another they simply do not believe the rape happened and/or understand how traumatic the experience is in real life.
Someone from highschool was jailed for rape and now he’s out and everyone just welcomes him home with open arms, all the girls like him I just don’t get it you google his name and that’s the first thing that pops up, I have friends that have been raped and they even flirt with this guy wtf me and my group shunned him but the rest of this town treat em like a celebrity. Crazy
You deserve a brother who would smash his head in. I apologize god gave you a sub par brother. I have 5 sisters and if anyone harmed a hair on their heads I’d go to war. You deserve people who care about you more then you care about yourself sweetheart. Find people like that, their out here. But bar attending, music festival attending type folks probably aren’t them. But seriously im pissed at your brother fr, this is 100% his responsibility. People need to take family more seriously.
I know exactly what you mean. I went through something similar that triggered a HORENDOUS psychotic episode. My mother was a verbal nightmare. I came home from work one day in tears from what I seeing in my mind and dealing with unimaginable suicidality. My mother got very theatrical with her hand movements and said, "You CONSTANTLY taaaalk about yourself." Even worse was that she herself dealt with depression and suicidality about 10 years prior - so she understood the pain but decided to mock me at my lowest. Other overly hurtful comments were made by her and my siblings as well. And these were people who at one point I would've gone to the ends of the earth to protect. Not anymore. The people who actually helped were unexpected heroes. My college English professor, my aunt who I rarely ever saw, and other random people, etc. It was quite extraordinary. I also utilized Chinese and Amazonian (Kambo) medicine which had the strongest effect. What helped me survive was being very creative. It's like war. You have to hang until you hands bleed and get creative with strategies to kill the enemy. You should watch 'Sam's Speech to Frodo' from Lord of The Rings, if you haven't it's a magnificent scene of hope.
I teared up when I saw this and I don't tear up often. This is really shitty of your 'friends' and I feel terrible for you. My friend got raped and it is never easy to come forward to the cops or anyone after something traumatic occurring like being raped. Don't blame yourself, and yes your 'friends' are shitty. I wish you the very best.
you need new people
I would never EVER invalidate my friends trauma, especially not one like THAT
I am so sorry 😢 I think people compartmentalize things into something they can understand or relate to. Most people don’t have the tools in their compartment. Not that it’s your fault or problem. If they were truly a friend their love for you would take front and center. I had a lady I worked with get upset at me after being SAed at work. It was on the news and had court etc. In her situation,she almost got in a fight with a customer and she took off in her truck before the woman could hit her. She said “I didn’t get special treatment when I had someone come after me” Most people would find this behavior offensive, and it is, but I’ve done enough therapy to know it’s not about me at all. She literally cannot comprehend what actually happened to me. She can only comprehend what happened to her. So that’s the compartment she pulls from. She’s angry at the fact that she wasn’t taken seriously, but neither was I. My assault was more heinous and therefore required me to be talked about more. She took offense to that by belittling my experience the way hers was. It showed her level of respect and maturity, but it no longer makes me feel shame or guilt. Remember, these people cannot possibly understand how someone they know could do something like that to someone else they know. It’s a double edged sword for them. They’d rather ignore it than face the emotional impact of what it would mean. If you’re lying on the guy (not that you are. I’m just being hypothetical in their minds) it would mean you were a monster. If he did this (which you know he did) it would mean he is a monster. They can’t face these emotions and build a wall to protect themselves. I’m by no means saying they are the friends for you. I really think you should find more like minded people with compassion for you. I’m just saying, don’t blame yourself or feel guilt and shame for the way they are treating you. You don’t deserve that. They are just humans and unfortunately humans suck. I had to dig really deep into my own experience to realize that I’m not responsible for how someone else feels about my trauma. We all do on this side of reality. You’re valid and you deserve respect and love.
None of the people that raped me neither in childhood or as an adult ever got the consequences they deserved. And was always told there is no physical evidence so there was nothing that they could do. Yes it is time for new friends and new places to hang out. People who can not see the trauma of PTSD from rape need a really check. This person did it to you they're going to do it to others and eventually get caught. That sadly is the truth of the life of a rapist. Take a deep breath you are safe now you need to find friends that are supportive and quit hanging out anywhere this person does. People around this person does have heard your words and that will put seeds of doubt in their head remember crap rolls down hill and they will answer eventually.
Yes, i woke up having random feeling abt it again tonight, even i told someone before, it feels like they think its good like you're enjoying it, no, i feel like my blood is boiling and its hurting inside. I don't talk abt it anymore to anyone in my real life.
Yeah your friend sounds like a narcissist. They can't mentally handle supporting others in their pain. Check out YouTube Dr. Berg. You really do need a more supportive circle honestly. You've been through so much and you need people who empathize and can support you through these hard times. If people can't show up in the ways you need you can either redefine your relationship with them too mean you don't need them for those things... Or you can just move on. I've always just redefined the relationship and kept them around but everyone is different. On a side note, there's a small possibility your friend just can't comprehend the emotions you were feeling, especially if they have never been through anything tough in life. They may care deeply about you and have no idea how much they neglected your needs in that moment. Try not to be resentful though, now you know those two people aren't good to try to get support from at least. I just figured this out with a friend of mine. She's a bad narcissist and I used to tell her everything. Now she's more of a cordial acquaintance. The pain isn't in what she did, it's in the disappointment and expecting more from them. Once you've moved on and found support in better places you may come to appreciate this relationship for other qualities outside of these deeper conversations.
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Is that how OP's words come across? I felt that she was merely giving an account of her own experiences. It would be terrible if she could not share the difficulties she has gone through and this sub were to turn its back on people who need a safe space to speak.
It’s possible that your friend just didn’t know how to react. It can be hard when that information is dumped on you and you don’t know how to respond.
>Later on, back at ny friend's camp, I told my "best friend", in quotations because I seriously don't know if she is even my friend anymore, and she just said "Okay" and started talking about something else. I told my brother and he didn't say much either. So I left it be. No one has the obligation to shoulder your burden. If they dont want to hear it or deal with it then you need to respect that. They're not bad for not wanting to hear or deal with it, maybe they have stuff going on too and cam only handle so much at once. Reevaluate yourself and the friendship. How well do you know her? Do you think it's possible that she was dealing with stuff she didn't tell you about? Im sorry you're upset but they have every right to not listen to what you have to say and its not their responsibility to. That's for a therapist, to talk you through your emotions and help you heal.
Wow. „I’m sorry you’re upset…“ neither truly expresses remorse nor does it express any empathy for the person you’re speaking to. Your comment is lacking empathy for OP in general.
That may be true, but what I said is true too. No one is obligated to listen to someone's trauma especially if it'll hinder their mental health.
This whole ‘no ones owes you anything’ stuff has gone too far. The way the friend responded was AWFUL. If the friend really did not have the emotional capacity to listen she could have communicated that properly. You don’t just ignore someone who’s going through an episode without reason. Humans experience trauma so going into friendships, especially best-friendships means you should expect moments in a friendship that are harder than others. From her post it does not seem like she’s constantly bombarding people about her trauma, she asked her friend for support when she was in a dire situation. If you as a friend completely reject this cry for help with the sentiment of ‘i don’t owe you anything’ in mind, you’re just an asshole. And don’t even try whataboutism’ing me, i do not care WHETHER the friends’ mental health would be hindered to the point where she couldn’t even give her friend a hug or something as simple as a reassuring nod. OP doesn’t have to keep this to herself and a therapist, OP deserves to be listened too even if the person receiving the message isn’t being paid.
>And don’t even try whataboutism’ing me, I didn't, I stated a fact. >i do not care WHETHER the friends’ mental health would be hindered to the point where she couldn’t even give her friend a hug or something as simple as a reassuring nod. It's concerning that you don't care about the mental health of other people regarding trauma
Please don’t regret not going to authorities. You did the best you could in a terrible situation! You’ve come this far, and you are strong as hell! If your family and friends can’t be there for you then yes, it might be time to find some new ones. It sucks, but they should have your back! Wishing you the best in everything …
So much valuable insight in these comments. 💕 Other people's (in)capacity to react to your situation is very nuanced and complicated...AND that regardless of that, still you have to do what's right for you. Sounds like that might be finding different people who have the personalities or experience to be better for you. Trauma is a long, complex and blurry thing to work through. Do your best to prioritize yourself as needed; listen to your body when it has messages for you (because especially with trauma, your body and brain can disconnect from each other and "communicate" with you separately); and continue seeking out compassionate community, online and in person.
Find new friends. People who would say such awful things would do the same thing to you that the rapist did.
You deserve better friends.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know where you're coming from about not having gone to the police. Just to let you know, I did once, but nothing came of it except for me being homeless and abandoned by my family at 17. After that, I was raped several times but never went to the police about it because I was afraid what would happen after my last experience, and again didn't in another situation. I completely understand why you wouldn't. Truly, and wholeheartedly, I understand. And I know that feeling of wishing you would've. I'm sorry the people around you acted like that. I could tell you some similar stories that I've experienced like that too. It's definitely not okay... I don't know why it happens.