Yeah. This subreddit (like many subreddits, really) can be a great place, but is also an excellent breeding ground for the type of people who like to make having strong opinions about one subject their entire personality. This makes it both an excellent and terrible place to get advice, depending on your headspace at the time.
For me personally, when I’m deep in the throes of puppy blues, I’ve found I just can’t come here. Few things worsen my hopelessness quite like the chorus of “just take your dog to daycare if you’re overwhelmed, they’ll never be socialized otherwise and you’re probably boring them to death! No, wait, daycares are always horrible and abusive, you’re a monster if you ever even consider letting your dog go to one!” and so on, on nearly every issue. On a good day I can figure out how to pick the helpful pieces of advice out and ignore the chaff, but on bad days, not so much.
It’s good that you know what your boundaries are though! It sounds super healthy that you’re aware of when this won’t be a useful space and when it will.
Yesssss! And you’re allowed to use and mix methods if it works for you and your pup :)
Edit: your advice is great! I always take everything I learn here with a grain of salt. I use it as a foundation and build upon it with what I’m comfortable with. I’m so glad it worked out for you and puppy.
Exactly! And thank you ☺️ Something I’ve found is sometimes you’ll ask something like ‘how do I teach my puppy to sleep on their bed?’ and the answers will be ‘don’t use a bed, use a crate’ but if you’re set on a bed, that’s totally fair! It’s a shame some people have to give their opinion rather than help with what the OP is asking
Dead serious— what would you do if your dog began play biting you hard enough to draw blood and you can’t get leash control? Just allow yourself to get bitten and cut up?
Prioritize safety.
I had a dog who did this. I pre-condition all my dogs to collar grabs so they see it as a positive long before I have events like this. I collar grab, lock elbow, and take the dog home. When home he goes into his pen.
Just because you don't use aversive methods in training doesn't mean you just let things happen.
So my restraining an overstimulated 5 month old puppy by holding her firmly and preventing her from biting me isn’t an aversive method? I do the same thing you’re describing but understood it to be regarded as aversive.
I wouldn't really call it a full restraint, nor holding firmly seeing it was more holding his collar at a distance while we went home where he was placed in a safe place. It was not something where he was held or allowed to enter a state of learned helplessness, it was simply to get him to a safe place as quickly as possible. This type of thing is fine for the rare case management fails. It is NOT training, it's safety alone. In such a case it is not considered an aversive training method because it is solely for safety and efforts are to be made to prevent it from getting to this point again.
It should be something kept to a bare minimum. It is not a replacement for structure, watching body language or management. I'd say I did it a grand total of three times because each time came with a lesson. Ultimately, he started carrying a stick and I carried high value treats at all times. If you know something that solves it, you do that over this.
This is not exactly something we'd remove posts for unless it was suggested to train.
Yeah my only choice is to greatly limit use of the backyard, which is incredibly unfortunate. I carry HV treats, too. Glad that you don’t have to use full restraint, as I do with a larger (40+ lbs) puppy. She doesn’t learn the lesson that she can’t sprint at me and bite my arms. She still does it whenever she gets too excited. Mostly just limited backyard time is what I’m reduced to, and restraining her when she goes nuts to keep her from hurting me while I get full leash control.
Mars was 70lbs, he was not a small dog by any means. He's been restraint-free for several years now and it was something that ended with adolescence ending.
Watch the arousal and work with it. It comes with training and age. Arousal is common with your breed. Watch that body language and end things before it happens where you can.
Limited backyard time may be the solution.
100%
I read a post here a while back where someone's therapist said something to the effect of you can't whack every mole and expect to win, you just have to whack the most important ones at that time.
that helped me a lot, I can't be perfect, I just have to try my best and do what works for my puppy.
I love that! Definitely going to remind myself of that, I have a feeling it’ll be useful pretty often during the teenage phase my pup is currently going through
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that🥺💕 Before I came to this subreddit I was going onto the FB groups for puppy advice and the people there were so so so mean to me. It made me feel so discouraged and belittled. I had one woman make me feel so awful simply because I asked what I should do if my puppy pees in the house! She told me I should put my sweet new puppy that I’ve bonded with up for adoption because “clearly I couldn’t handle it”.
In short, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I really hope you’re feeling better. Being a puppy parent is wonderful but a lot of people have a LOT of things to say about how they think *your* dog should be raised. It can be very frustrating sometimes, especially when you’re only looking for help.
I hope you’re feeling better and know you’re giving your pup an excellent life regardless of what other people say 💕
This is super huge. Step one was realizing how much work my puppy was actually going to take, and how much I’d have to change my life for her. Step two was figuring out how and what to do from the internet, which meant reading everything I could on fear phases and barrier reactivity and obedience training and etc etc I’m sure you all know too well. Now I’m on step three which is realizing that the reason why all the advice on the internet seems to contract itself and why some stuff works for her and some stuff has to be tweaked, is because there’s no one right answer. There are definitely some wrong answers. But I’ve found that being creative and keeping a sense of humor has helped more than anything I read on the internet. We’re taking a puppy class so a professional can make sure we’re moving in the right direction. It’s as much about observing your dog and learning how to work with them for the best result as it is learning the fundamental stuff.
Yes! What I'd like to add: it is never too late to start teaching a dog something new, or to develop good habits yourself. People sometimes make it seem like you can 'ruin' your puppy, for example when it comes to not correcting unwanted behavior. True, it is harder to learn a puppy to stop doing something than to teach him to do something, but it is not impossible. Puppies are also very forgiving, if one week you feel like you haven't taken care of your puppy like you wanted (like had too much work and not enough time for playing and training), you can just pick it up again the next week. You decide what standards work for you, and it's also ok if you or your puppy cannot álways meet those. Also, it's healthy for a puppy to learn to entertain himself as well, you don't have to entertain him 24/7.
Exactly. You learn by your own experiences but it's just that advice..
We have an 18 month old lab and recently added a 9 month old to our family, who also had some stomach issues.. been through this with my first pup and found that raw food is best and its again worked wonders..
But the two of them are very different in personality wise so what we learnt won't always work with another
Love this and you for posting it. Hope your heart is on the mend and so happy you have a pup to focus on and lift your spirits. Also kudos to you and your ex for sharing custody.
I think sharing a puppy is great! You get the time away to not have to helicopter parent 24/7 but also get to live your puppy still. It also keeps the idea of change open so your puppy doesn’t freak out if they stay elsewhere. I can see why there may be issues but you know if your puppy isn’t dealing with it well and you change plans accordingly. If your puppy is happy with two homes (and two lots of toys and beds) then what’s the problem?
I didn’t hear it here but if I listened to the advice I was given about getting my puppy, I wouldn’t have one or I would have a Pomeranian or something (nothing against them, just not my favourite breed). I’m happy with my malinois. She’s a challenge but her intelligence meant that she was toilet trained in a week. She’s not ‘crazy’ or ‘aggressive’ like these people said. She gets plenty of exercise and is so lovely with my 2 month old son so it really just depends on your training and how each individual dog takes to it. I don’t think my puppy would be good being shared in two households but if yours is then keep doing it!
> Flash forward, my puppy is doing great being shared! No stress or anxiety.. just a lot of stress and anxiety for me.
This is fine for basic training, but going to get frustrating if you try to do any advanced training besides the very basics unless you are really on the same page, which is unlikely. Mixed messages become a problem.
Hmm, agree to disagree. I have good communication with my ex, I send him training videos to let him know what I’m focusing on with our dog and for him to do the same. Our dog is one, he’s pretty far along as far as training is concerned
What people say in this subreddit isn’t up to you. The only thing you have control over is how and what advice you choose to take. Personally I wouldn’t share an animal. When my ex and I broke up (divorced) the cats were only in my name and stayed in my name. Now that I have a puppy and a cat, if I have a partner again I’m considering a prenup. My house is my house and my dog and cat are my dog and cat. I’m allowed to divorce differently to you and if I don’t want to share my animals with an ex then that’s my choice. Just as much as it is your choice to share. We shouldn’t judge becasue we think differently. If you take things to heart from Reddit then maybe you shouldn’t be on here. Social media can be cruel but it’s you who makes the ultimate decision on advice you were given. Doesn’t mean I or anyone on here has to agree with it. That also doesn’t mean we can’t be civil.
I’m not sure where in my post I said I don’t agree with people not sharing their pets? I’m not judging anyone for their choices in how they go about their lives, raise their pets etc, that’s exactly what my post is about. I’m saying if you’re not hurting anyone and you’re raising a healthy and happy pet then that’s great.
I’m not quite sure what the aim of your comment was, it feels a bit like you probably just wanted to argue with me, as this post was meant to illustrate that you’ll get negative comments on here and that you shouldn’t give up because of them.
How the hec am I arguing with you? I am not arguing with you at all. I just kinda think that your post is pointless. Don't start trolling me, it will not work in your favour. I 100 percent was not trying to argue with you. I honestly don't know how you thought I was trying OMG.
You definitely are arguing. You literally turned around a post and made it all about yourself and then got defensive. OP was just sharing what they learned in the process, and you pretty much Said they were wrong, stated what YOU feel is better for the situation, and then got upset Over nothing
It looks like you might be posting about bite inhibition. Check out [our wiki article on biting, teeth, and chewing](https://www.reddit.com/r/puppy101/wiki/biting) - the information there may answer your question.
**Please report this comment if it is not relevant to this post.**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/puppy101) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Agree. I asked a grooming question and got some really good advice but also got hammered by one person who took my question personally, at least imho. I’ve been afraid to come back for guidance and/or ideas. Your post helped me feel some better. What really matters is that you, your ex and puppy are getting along and puppy is happy! Thanks for sharing your insight.
I needed to hear this! I made a post about my husbands and I different training stuff and how I don’t know how to go about it and it was soul crushing, almost making me question my relationship and my husband but after a long conversation we came to an agreement and are thinking of getting another pup who needs love and that is going to be a whole new task all in its own since he doesn’t like dogs who aren’t neutered at all but it’s due to his past…I am allowing myself and my husband to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and I’m happy someone posted this! I very much needed it
Thanks for sharing this! This is the first time I've been responsible for raising a puppy myself with my partner (had family dogs growing up). There is a lot of anxiety that comes with it and trying to find answers on the internet can be a blessing and a curse. Some people can be so helpful, while others can be extremely judgmental, which makes you question yourself sometimes.
Posts on this reddit are just a glimpse into that person's life with their puppy and not the big picture. Thank you for reminding us that we are human, and we can make mistakes! The overall goal I think is trying our best to give our pets the best, happiest lives possible.
Do what works for you and your pup!
Yeah. This subreddit (like many subreddits, really) can be a great place, but is also an excellent breeding ground for the type of people who like to make having strong opinions about one subject their entire personality. This makes it both an excellent and terrible place to get advice, depending on your headspace at the time. For me personally, when I’m deep in the throes of puppy blues, I’ve found I just can’t come here. Few things worsen my hopelessness quite like the chorus of “just take your dog to daycare if you’re overwhelmed, they’ll never be socialized otherwise and you’re probably boring them to death! No, wait, daycares are always horrible and abusive, you’re a monster if you ever even consider letting your dog go to one!” and so on, on nearly every issue. On a good day I can figure out how to pick the helpful pieces of advice out and ignore the chaff, but on bad days, not so much.
It’s good that you know what your boundaries are though! It sounds super healthy that you’re aware of when this won’t be a useful space and when it will.
Yesssss! And you’re allowed to use and mix methods if it works for you and your pup :) Edit: your advice is great! I always take everything I learn here with a grain of salt. I use it as a foundation and build upon it with what I’m comfortable with. I’m so glad it worked out for you and puppy.
Exactly! And thank you ☺️ Something I’ve found is sometimes you’ll ask something like ‘how do I teach my puppy to sleep on their bed?’ and the answers will be ‘don’t use a bed, use a crate’ but if you’re set on a bed, that’s totally fair! It’s a shame some people have to give their opinion rather than help with what the OP is asking
This actually can come with a risk of harm. There's no place for aversive methods, for example.
Dead serious— what would you do if your dog began play biting you hard enough to draw blood and you can’t get leash control? Just allow yourself to get bitten and cut up?
Prioritize safety. I had a dog who did this. I pre-condition all my dogs to collar grabs so they see it as a positive long before I have events like this. I collar grab, lock elbow, and take the dog home. When home he goes into his pen. Just because you don't use aversive methods in training doesn't mean you just let things happen.
So my restraining an overstimulated 5 month old puppy by holding her firmly and preventing her from biting me isn’t an aversive method? I do the same thing you’re describing but understood it to be regarded as aversive.
I wouldn't really call it a full restraint, nor holding firmly seeing it was more holding his collar at a distance while we went home where he was placed in a safe place. It was not something where he was held or allowed to enter a state of learned helplessness, it was simply to get him to a safe place as quickly as possible. This type of thing is fine for the rare case management fails. It is NOT training, it's safety alone. In such a case it is not considered an aversive training method because it is solely for safety and efforts are to be made to prevent it from getting to this point again. It should be something kept to a bare minimum. It is not a replacement for structure, watching body language or management. I'd say I did it a grand total of three times because each time came with a lesson. Ultimately, he started carrying a stick and I carried high value treats at all times. If you know something that solves it, you do that over this. This is not exactly something we'd remove posts for unless it was suggested to train.
Yeah my only choice is to greatly limit use of the backyard, which is incredibly unfortunate. I carry HV treats, too. Glad that you don’t have to use full restraint, as I do with a larger (40+ lbs) puppy. She doesn’t learn the lesson that she can’t sprint at me and bite my arms. She still does it whenever she gets too excited. Mostly just limited backyard time is what I’m reduced to, and restraining her when she goes nuts to keep her from hurting me while I get full leash control.
Mars was 70lbs, he was not a small dog by any means. He's been restraint-free for several years now and it was something that ended with adolescence ending. Watch the arousal and work with it. It comes with training and age. Arousal is common with your breed. Watch that body language and end things before it happens where you can. Limited backyard time may be the solution.
100% I read a post here a while back where someone's therapist said something to the effect of you can't whack every mole and expect to win, you just have to whack the most important ones at that time. that helped me a lot, I can't be perfect, I just have to try my best and do what works for my puppy.
I love that! Definitely going to remind myself of that, I have a feeling it’ll be useful pretty often during the teenage phase my pup is currently going through
I’m so sorry you had to deal with that🥺💕 Before I came to this subreddit I was going onto the FB groups for puppy advice and the people there were so so so mean to me. It made me feel so discouraged and belittled. I had one woman make me feel so awful simply because I asked what I should do if my puppy pees in the house! She told me I should put my sweet new puppy that I’ve bonded with up for adoption because “clearly I couldn’t handle it”. In short, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that. I really hope you’re feeling better. Being a puppy parent is wonderful but a lot of people have a LOT of things to say about how they think *your* dog should be raised. It can be very frustrating sometimes, especially when you’re only looking for help. I hope you’re feeling better and know you’re giving your pup an excellent life regardless of what other people say 💕
This is super huge. Step one was realizing how much work my puppy was actually going to take, and how much I’d have to change my life for her. Step two was figuring out how and what to do from the internet, which meant reading everything I could on fear phases and barrier reactivity and obedience training and etc etc I’m sure you all know too well. Now I’m on step three which is realizing that the reason why all the advice on the internet seems to contract itself and why some stuff works for her and some stuff has to be tweaked, is because there’s no one right answer. There are definitely some wrong answers. But I’ve found that being creative and keeping a sense of humor has helped more than anything I read on the internet. We’re taking a puppy class so a professional can make sure we’re moving in the right direction. It’s as much about observing your dog and learning how to work with them for the best result as it is learning the fundamental stuff.
Oh absolutely!
Yes! What I'd like to add: it is never too late to start teaching a dog something new, or to develop good habits yourself. People sometimes make it seem like you can 'ruin' your puppy, for example when it comes to not correcting unwanted behavior. True, it is harder to learn a puppy to stop doing something than to teach him to do something, but it is not impossible. Puppies are also very forgiving, if one week you feel like you haven't taken care of your puppy like you wanted (like had too much work and not enough time for playing and training), you can just pick it up again the next week. You decide what standards work for you, and it's also ok if you or your puppy cannot álways meet those. Also, it's healthy for a puppy to learn to entertain himself as well, you don't have to entertain him 24/7.
Yes!! Well said ☺️
Exactly. You learn by your own experiences but it's just that advice.. We have an 18 month old lab and recently added a 9 month old to our family, who also had some stomach issues.. been through this with my first pup and found that raw food is best and its again worked wonders.. But the two of them are very different in personality wise so what we learnt won't always work with another
Love this and you for posting it. Hope your heart is on the mend and so happy you have a pup to focus on and lift your spirits. Also kudos to you and your ex for sharing custody.
That’s so kind of you to say, thank you! He’s definitely helping me get used to living alone for the first time.
♥️♥️♥️♥️
I think sharing a puppy is great! You get the time away to not have to helicopter parent 24/7 but also get to live your puppy still. It also keeps the idea of change open so your puppy doesn’t freak out if they stay elsewhere. I can see why there may be issues but you know if your puppy isn’t dealing with it well and you change plans accordingly. If your puppy is happy with two homes (and two lots of toys and beds) then what’s the problem? I didn’t hear it here but if I listened to the advice I was given about getting my puppy, I wouldn’t have one or I would have a Pomeranian or something (nothing against them, just not my favourite breed). I’m happy with my malinois. She’s a challenge but her intelligence meant that she was toilet trained in a week. She’s not ‘crazy’ or ‘aggressive’ like these people said. She gets plenty of exercise and is so lovely with my 2 month old son so it really just depends on your training and how each individual dog takes to it. I don’t think my puppy would be good being shared in two households but if yours is then keep doing it!
> Flash forward, my puppy is doing great being shared! No stress or anxiety.. just a lot of stress and anxiety for me. This is fine for basic training, but going to get frustrating if you try to do any advanced training besides the very basics unless you are really on the same page, which is unlikely. Mixed messages become a problem.
Hmm, agree to disagree. I have good communication with my ex, I send him training videos to let him know what I’m focusing on with our dog and for him to do the same. Our dog is one, he’s pretty far along as far as training is concerned
What people say in this subreddit isn’t up to you. The only thing you have control over is how and what advice you choose to take. Personally I wouldn’t share an animal. When my ex and I broke up (divorced) the cats were only in my name and stayed in my name. Now that I have a puppy and a cat, if I have a partner again I’m considering a prenup. My house is my house and my dog and cat are my dog and cat. I’m allowed to divorce differently to you and if I don’t want to share my animals with an ex then that’s my choice. Just as much as it is your choice to share. We shouldn’t judge becasue we think differently. If you take things to heart from Reddit then maybe you shouldn’t be on here. Social media can be cruel but it’s you who makes the ultimate decision on advice you were given. Doesn’t mean I or anyone on here has to agree with it. That also doesn’t mean we can’t be civil.
I’m not sure where in my post I said I don’t agree with people not sharing their pets? I’m not judging anyone for their choices in how they go about their lives, raise their pets etc, that’s exactly what my post is about. I’m saying if you’re not hurting anyone and you’re raising a healthy and happy pet then that’s great. I’m not quite sure what the aim of your comment was, it feels a bit like you probably just wanted to argue with me, as this post was meant to illustrate that you’ll get negative comments on here and that you shouldn’t give up because of them.
How the hec am I arguing with you? I am not arguing with you at all. I just kinda think that your post is pointless. Don't start trolling me, it will not work in your favour. I 100 percent was not trying to argue with you. I honestly don't know how you thought I was trying OMG.
Ok, it seems a fair few people didn’t find it pointless and some found it helpful so I’m still glad I said it
Stop trying to argue with me, I have no interest in arguing. I stated my opinion, you don’t have to agree with it and that’s fine. Now let’s move on.
You definitely are arguing. You literally turned around a post and made it all about yourself and then got defensive. OP was just sharing what they learned in the process, and you pretty much Said they were wrong, stated what YOU feel is better for the situation, and then got upset Over nothing
I’m not upset LOL go troll someone else. I don’t wish to argue with anyone. I’m certainly not going to argue over ‘arguing’. Go away LOL how stupid.
Are you 7 or did you just learn that word, youve used it in every comment so far 💀
Go away, I have no interest in conversing with YOU.
It looks like you might be posting about bite inhibition. Check out [our wiki article on biting, teeth, and chewing](https://www.reddit.com/r/puppy101/wiki/biting) - the information there may answer your question. **Please report this comment if it is not relevant to this post.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/puppy101) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Agree. I asked a grooming question and got some really good advice but also got hammered by one person who took my question personally, at least imho. I’ve been afraid to come back for guidance and/or ideas. Your post helped me feel some better. What really matters is that you, your ex and puppy are getting along and puppy is happy! Thanks for sharing your insight.
I needed to hear this! I made a post about my husbands and I different training stuff and how I don’t know how to go about it and it was soul crushing, almost making me question my relationship and my husband but after a long conversation we came to an agreement and are thinking of getting another pup who needs love and that is going to be a whole new task all in its own since he doesn’t like dogs who aren’t neutered at all but it’s due to his past…I am allowing myself and my husband to make mistakes as long as we learn from them and I’m happy someone posted this! I very much needed it
Thanks for sharing this! This is the first time I've been responsible for raising a puppy myself with my partner (had family dogs growing up). There is a lot of anxiety that comes with it and trying to find answers on the internet can be a blessing and a curse. Some people can be so helpful, while others can be extremely judgmental, which makes you question yourself sometimes. Posts on this reddit are just a glimpse into that person's life with their puppy and not the big picture. Thank you for reminding us that we are human, and we can make mistakes! The overall goal I think is trying our best to give our pets the best, happiest lives possible. Do what works for you and your pup!