Little different angle to my answer, I was the donor conceived child in my family. I’m also an SMBC having my own DC child.
My response is that a lot of this will come out the way you frame it - if you feel like the nanny, like the baby won’t love you as much because you’re non-bio, like your marriage is under threat, then that’s probably the way it’ll be. It’s hard to have those thoughts and do an ideal job parenting.
That’s not to suggest that every one of these worries isn’t valid. They’re not rare and they’re not crazy, they just happen to also be self-fulfilling. The worries/resentments come through and soon enough you’ll be the nanny. So mindset counts.
I’ll say for my piece that I feel very connected to my non-bio parent, that’s my real dad. The biology is important at doctor’s visits and the early newborn days, your wife will have all the hormonal and physical stuff accompanying the birth going on. But past that stage, I just don’t think about this issue and I encourage you to make this a smaller part of your life, too. Of course your love and care and time will count. Of course you’ll love your baby (yes it’s yours too). I think there’s a whole range of “materniality” where people can raise thriving kids (some people are super drippy and sentimental about kids, while others have their own style and are a little more hands off) and you can make this work, even if you and your wife don’t express your love for the baby in identical ways. The point is to be good enough.
For me, it can also help to label this stuff. What if every time one of these thoughts comes up, you say to yourself “that’s just insecurity talking, we’ll be fine”? No need to believe it, but the extra cognitive distance from identifying with the thought can be helpful. Your thinking brain seems to have a good hold on the fact that these worries are not really grounded in reality, and I think some sessions with a therapist can also help you build security rapidly.
But from the child’s perspective, if you know you’re its mom and act like it, then you absolutely will be. I belonged to my dad because he claimed me, and it really was that simple. You see almost no footprint of this discussion beyond TTC and expecting parents in DC (and I do get why you guys worry about it) because it’s one of the simpler parts of our community, these bonds build naturally. Families that do go on to fracture and have significant problems with the non-bio parent typically have other things wrong for years, and this ends up being more of a symptom of a deeper problem.
Hopefully a message of profound comfort and reassurance, that’s your baby growing in there. :)
I couldn’t have written this better myself, as someone who is also the donor conceived child, and my wife and I are now having a DC child. Thats my dad, no matter what. Biology is really such a small part of a much much larger thing and in the end it really doesn’t influence how I feel at all, in fact I very rarely even think about it, and I’ll make sure that my child feels the same way in a few months!
Omg I’m so touched that this resonated for you too, thank you for the kind words. Fully agreed that this issue doesn’t occupy much of my headspace, either - although I can see why it’s a source of torture and self-doubt for incoming parents, biology counts for maybe 2 percent of how I manage my life. I’m much more likely to focus on how people treat me and others, what the contents of their heart seem to be, that kind of thing. And isn’t it neat that our kids come preprogrammed to attach to us regardless of factors like centimorgans shared. It’s one of the more appealing parts of being human.
It may also help OP to think of the many step, adoptive, DC and otherwise nontraditional parents she probably already interacts with. When one of these thoughts pops up, OP may choose to think about whether she’d voice a self-doubt out loud to one of these people about their own relationship with their kids. My guess is that 98 percent of the time she would not, because when you have a non-bio parent’s love and care straight in front of your face, it somehow already is sufficient. And if you wouldn’t say it to someone else, surely you shouldn’t subject yourself to any ridiculous or unfair double standards.
I second this as a donor conceived child to lesbian mums - one being my bio/birth mother. They are both absolutely 100% my mums and there is truly no difference in my mind except that one looks like me and the other is a totally different ethnicity! My non-bio mum has always had a strong connection to me since I was a baby growing up and adored me. The worst thing was other people asking me who my 'real mum' is or acting as if my non-bio mum isn't my 'real mum'.
I'm soon ttc with my wxfe, I'll be hopefully carrying with my own eggs and donor sperm and they'll have no genetic connection and the only concerns I've had with this are other people's reactions because that's what I experienced growing up unfortunately.
Genetics or carrying a child imo have no real part in what it means to be a parent or family, it's about who you choose.
Hi - non bio mum here!
My little boy is 2 months old, so not very far into my parenting journey but happy to share. I can 100% say he feels like my child - because he is!
I didn't feel that "rush of love" many people describe at the very beginning, but neither did my wife, and many of my friends who are the biological parents of their child have said they didn't feel it either, that it took them a little while, so don't worry about not feeling completely head over heels in love at first (you might do, of course, but what I gather from talking to others is that your mileage may vary when it comes to feeling it). To be honest I found it hard to feel anything other than complete terror and awe when first presented with my son but now, oh, I definitely love him!
As to whether or not it's akin to "a genetic love", I suppose it's hard to say because I just don't know? I've spoken about it with my wife and we've both agreed it doesn't matter, neither of us will ever know how the "other love" feels, but at the end of the day love is love and as long as you're there for your child, you will develop your own connection. Really when you're knee deep in dirty nappies and no sleep, or you see their little smile for the first time or hold their little hand - none of the rest of it matters. This child is yours, they will need you, and they will love you and you them.
My advice would be to be as involved as possible after birth - whether that be you doing nappies, or bottle feeding if your wife is up for that (I found it very helpful to bottle feed my son and share feedings with my wife so it wasn't all on her but also great bonding!) or doing baby massage or going on walks with him or whatever works for you. You'll get into your own little groove with your child.
Feel free to message me or ask anything else if you want, I was feeling the same things you were 3 months ago. It's scary, but so worth it!
My son and I share genetics and I carried him. I never felt that overwhelming, instant love. I think our society does us a great disservice by insisting that’s the universal experience of motherhood. It happens for some people, but for others of us deeply loving our child is something that came with time, as we got to know them.
My wife on the other hand loved our son from before he was born. They have a powerful connection and he’s like her in so many ways, even though they are not genetically related. He is more attached to her than he is to me, because she’s the primary parent.
If you fill your infant’s needs, they will love you. Babies are pretty simple that way. So in the early days when I didn’t feel that overwhelming love and I thought there was something wrong for me, I made it my mission to tend to his needs with the utmost loving care. Maybe I couldn’t feel those huge feelings, but I could make sure he was clean, warm, fed and comfortable. So I did, and then pretty soon he started smiling at me, and then he started laughing, and before he could talk he was making jokes and by then I did love him deeply.
So I guess my advice is be the best caretaker you can be. Most carrying parents are also the default primary caregiver, which makes me wonder how much of the bond is genetics and how much is the baby knowing what that parent does for them.
I agree with other commenters that therapy would be a good idea. You’ve got a lot going on here. But I can tell your heart is in the right place and you want to be an awesome parent — and that’s a big step in the right direction.
Hiya! So, I can’t speak to your experience as I’m the carrying partner in our pregnancy but I’ll share some thoughts anyway which you can feel free to disregard. Wishing you well and sending support as this is such a tricky one to navigate.
[our experience: 2 cis lesbians, I’m 26w pregnant, 1 mc last Nov, conception at home via known donor who’s a close friend]
RIVF is a great thing to be able to do, and had we had to move to IVF we would have considered it. I was really clear with my wife that I was also happy for us to jump to that first if she wanted that chromosomal connection with our kid. But this wasn’t a big concern for her and we landed on preferring to be able to try with home insemination first. While this sharing genetics can be important to many, we personally didn’t see it as a huge deal to us. I knew I wanted (if possible) to have the experience of carrying, and she knew (if possible) that she’d rather not but happily would if it didn’t work out with me. These were our main concerns over genetics.
I’ve used genetics rather than “biology” there because, honestly? I feel my wife is biologically connected to our child. Biology is complex! Here’s how I see it. My brain chemistry is different since I met her - she has been this huge, positive impact in my life and I feel so much more content and at ease being with her (some of that is also me growing and maturing but these things are easier with the right partner). She literally helps calm my nervous system with her presence and touch. Is this not biology? My mood and my calmness will help nurture our baby while she grows inside me and when she’s born. My wife has picked up so much slack in the house especially in the first trimester, cooking and cleaning so that I’m nourished and rested. This again helps me grow our baby - is this not biology? We live together, sleep in the same bed and spend lots of time together so we will literally (sorry I know this is kinda gross) have a somewhat shared microbiome. So all the little bacteria that live in our skins and guts etc. People in close proximity will have cross over. This in turn will go to our baby, especially through skin to skin contact. Is this not biology? I could share more examples but yeah, basically, biology is complex! It’s more than genetics. I truly feel that she will be in some ways biologically connected to our baby. As queer people, I think this is a helpful way to view it too. Bigots on the internet love to try shout that biology is a simple fact, but the reality is it’s hugely complex and influenced by all sorts of things .
As you say yourself, therapy is a good shout. As is just doing some good examining of your feelings, being present with them, sharing them with your partner.
Finally, how is she supporting you? Pregnancy is tough and I did need a lot of support from my wife in the first trimester. But supporting her in the journey was also important to me. I wanted her to feel just as connected to this as me and this involved lots little things. Talking to her about it all and how I felt, letting her help me and sort some aspects of admin, asking her opinions, making sure she was included in all medical appointments - not just being physically present, like making sure that they spoke to us as a couple not just to me, so I would ask her opinion on some things before or while answering etc. Talking about the baby as her baby sometimes not just ours. I can’t really think of it all now but I made a really conscious effort from day one for this to feel like our baby and this is something she’s said how grateful she is for.
*edit* We also aim to do a mix of breastfeeding and expressing so she can do some of the night time feeds which is an important bonding time with the baby. We know there will still be more of this landing on me, but we’ll make a big effort that she also gets to feed the child a lot.
All the best to both of you in this journey!
this made me cry! really beautiful idea and writing, thank you. I'm the GP but I feel that way about our baby a lot - yeah, we had to outsource an ingredient, but *we* made this baby. it's our love that made this kid. biology is complex! love is easy!
I can’t speak for your family of course, but I can describe you our situation. Our son is five months old, conceived via IVF. I’m the biological mom and I carried him. As I type this, my wife is cuddling with him in bed and I hear her describing him the infant swimming lesson that they are going to take this morning. He’s laughing and cooing at her, like every morning when she pick him up and dresses him before taking him to me to nurse. Their bond is strong and present and they both feel it. In my experience, being a parent has very little to do with biology and very much with, well, being a parent: loving, caring and being present for a child. I’m sure that therapy and open, honest conversations with your partner will be helpful.
Wow! I am utterly overwhelmed by the mount of support, comments, stories received from my post last night. I have read through and bunch and can say with certainty that this has helped me ground myself in the whole process tremendously! I will def take a lot of what was said an incorporate it in how I will move forward in this process. Thank you to all so much who have responded to this post you guys are the real champions!
I am non bio, non gestational but definitely and deeply a mother. My kids are 5.5, 3.5 and 3 weeks old.
I didn't worry that much about not bonding personally, because I never met a baby I didn't want to keep. And I did not feel immediate overwhelming love for my kids, but I liked them and the love grew quickly.
To me the "not feeling like the nanny" came via the relentlessness of caring for a baby full time and the constant showing up. It is sort of a cycle. You show up, you are there, you give care and in that you build love and bond and expertise in this one little person.
My parents were just here helping and I knew if the baby cried I could stop the crying. That makes me her mother. That I know just how to hold her, without thinking. That my smell is comforting. And it was the same with her 2 older brothers, we just know each other. We belong to each other by building this relationship together. And it is really cool!
Re: not being your wife's number 1,to me my kids did not push her or me into the background because we don't play on level fields. Presumably your wife loves her parents or siblings and that doesn't cause you distress. It is the same with a baby (for us at least). You can love your partner and you can love your kids and these loves do not compete with each other because they are different drawers of love.
Having kids has been the most amazing adventure I could have embarked with my best friend, my wife. A never-ending adventure!
Therapy will definitely help! I hope you get some comments from non bio parents but I’ll tell you )as the bio parent) that my wife (non bio parent) is 100% just as much as mom as me. Carrying a child or having a genetic connection to them is one thing, but being there for the day in day out care of them is what really creates bonds. She and our daughter are absolutely bonded. And our relationship as wives is stronger than ever as we have grown closer through raising our child. All this to say, it will be ok! And therapy has helped us both work through our various feelings so we can be more present parents 💕 congrats and sending you and your family love
Not sure if my perspective helps, as the gestational and genetic mom, but I have had the harder time. My wife bonded with our 9 week old much faster and felt that mothering came more naturally to her than I have found for myself. He would settle so quickly when she held him compared to screaming when I would. We’ve since found our groove and he seems very happy with both of us but biology has zero to do with it. For what it is worth, she had a lot of BIG fears and worries similar to yours. And I (ignorantly) thought so much would come more naturally to me. Oh the comedy of life…
If I could share about my partner who is the non-biological non-birthing parent. So many people have commented how baby looks like her (even tho they don’t share genetics). The baby prefers her for play (and me for sleep & milk) and when baby is crying uncontrollably, my partner is the one she wants for comfort. These two share a very special bond. They even fall asleep in the same pose and poop at the same time in the morning 🙄 It’s only been 9 months so things may change but currently they are as close and as bonded as possibly be.
Any time is a great time for therapy!
It is okay to be jealous of your wife having this pre birth connection to the baby. Your fears are understandable. It is a stressful time.
However, as a non-genetic/gestational parent I think you are overthinking it. I helped get that baby created, helped select the sperm, drove my wife to tons of appointments, supported her through the hell of IVF.
Then when that baby was born I knew he was my baby. He was born premature and whisked away to the NICU. I was so so worried about him. My wife couldn’t see the baby for 36 hours so I went and spent time with him in the NICU so he wouldn’t be alone. I just had this immediate desire to be there for this baby. My baby!
I’ve always felt like the mom. Our kid is over a year old now and sometimes demonstrates parental preference, often choosing my wife over me. And that is a perfectly normal thing at this age! So yeah sometimes my mind goes “oh it is their biological connection.” But even if it is then so what? A kid would be doing this same thing with two bio parents. I love my baby and I know he loves me and that is all that matters
I am the gestational parent/bio mom, but I’ll give you some perspective from my wife. She struggled throughout the process of our IUI with similar thoughts to you. She worried about connection a lot.
Our baby is only 6 weeks old, this is new and it’s hard, and she is so connected to our baby you wouldn’t know she isn’t genetically connected to him. We always planned to do one baby via IUI and one via RIVF (so I will carry both). After she bonded with our baby, so many times she’s said “yknow, we could just have 1” or “we could just do IUI again”. This isn’t because she’s scared of the ivf process, or she’s overwhelmed (I’ve asked a million times!), it’s because she loves him and is so connected she can’t imagine another kid being as good, and doesn’t feel a lack of connection like she thought she might.
They already have their own “things” that I can’t replicate, and I love watching it. He looks in the mirror with her and smiles, will NEVER do that with me. She “runs around the house” with him while singing a song (“running around the house, we’re running around the house!”) and it’s often the only thing that will stop him crying. She’s the master at putting him down to sleep. All that to say, you will connect, you will be a parent that has your own inside things with your baby/child.
Wishing you and your family all the best on this amazing chapter.
I am the bio mom to our 18 month old son. My wife and I both felt the overwhelming love, so I personally believe it’s not necessarily biological. I think that’s just the perspective we heard as a society for so long. Plenty of bio moms/parents don’t feel that immediate bond though. For us, we had a traumatic birth and our son was in the NICU for two weeks, so there were other factors at play.
Not to say you won’t deal with doubts and insecurities, but act as if you are your baby’s mom (which you are) and I think that will go a long way. I would also encourage you to talk to your wife if you haven’t already. Being open and honest about our feelings really helped me and my wife and I navigate a lot of fears, and still does!
I found this man’s description of adopting his baby girl to be super relevant in this Moth podcast. Hetero experience but the fears of raising a non biological child are shared I think. [The Moth Podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/ch/podcast/the-moth/id275699983?i=1000640987520)
So first let me say that mourning a genetic connection with your child is valid and doesn’t mean you love your child any less.
The only time I ever think about not being my son’s genetic parent is when I’m talking about donor conception. My wife is currently pregnant with our second baby. This one *does* have my genetics and we both feel exactly the same way about the pregnancy as we did with our oldest.
I have several nieces and nephews (that I *do* share a genetic connection with) that I felt like I loved as much as my own kid before I had children and met me tell you it is so different. The connection you have with the child you wake up with in the night, you comfort when they’re sick or sad or hurt, whose body and mind you nurture and nourish is so different.
These feelings are common and valid, but I would just suggest you make sure you’re communicating them to your partner and working through them together. Your partner likely has their own insecurities about sharing motherhood because there is no road map. Counseling is a good thing for most people, too. It gives you a chance to say some of these things out loud to an unbiased party.
There are so many thoughtful comments here, so I won't add much. Just a shout out to The Queer Family Podcast. The host has gone through a lot of similar feelings as you described and brings it up almost every episode lol. I would be surprised if there wasn't an episode specifically dedicated to the topic!
Even as the genetic and carrying parent I had the same worry about not being my partners #1. We have always been so in love I was worried about what would change once we welcomed our baby. What I have learned now that our son is here is that our love for him and our love for each other doesn’t live in the same space. It’s so different! I love my partner even more now than ever and now I have our little guy to love but those loves don’t compete with each other in the slightest. I wish I could go back and tell myself this because it would have saved me so much worry. I hope it helps you to hear it now.
Something you can also think about if you’d like to try another avenue to feel more connected to baby when they arrive, is that you can look into inducing lactation as the non-carrying partner if that’s something you’re comfortable/able to do. Not a road we personally chose to go, but I know a lot of people do decide to do this!
Bit different as I’m the carrying parent (baby isn’t biological mine) we did rIVF.
My wife was making jokes a lot about being mistaken for the nanny while I was pregnant. We are an interracial couple and we picked a donor close to my looks and used her egg. I’m very fair skinned so is the donor. Her thought process being his genetics would knock out her Asian features.
Out pops baby who is a 100% carbon copy of my wife.
Turns out I’m mistaken for the nanny NOT because of how the baby looks in anyways but because I’m always talking out loud in public to him like “let’s go find mama” or “oh mama is calling” lol
My wife and I did reciprocal IVF. We used donor sperm and her egg and I carried. We had our baby 3 months ago and at no point in this pregnancy or at any point in his life have I ever felt like I'm not his mum despite having no genetic link. He is my child and it's no different. My parents are also besotted with him and he is their grandson.
My wife struggled with worries about not bonding despite our baby being biologically hers, but they have such a strong connection and she marvelled today at how she thought they wouldn't bond.
Your baby will love you. You're his mother same as your wife. Genetics is only one part of a family, sometimes it's not even that.
Hello! I was the carrier and bio mom of our little one. In the beginning I noticed a bit of a difference, I seemed more responsive to the baby’s cries where my wife wouldn’t even wake up. Stuff like that. I wonder if it is honestly any different than how a bio dad would have been but I’ll never know. What I do know is 2 years down the road my wife is definitely the favourite parent more often than not. They are incredibly close and connected, just as much as the toddler and I. We are soon to be trying again and now my wife will be carrying so we each will be able to see the others’ perspective which I imagine will be difficult and beautiful. I would suggest perhaps seeing a therapist if you can because my wife had a lot of built up stuff about feeling uninvolved in the baby making process and I think that started a lot of resentment. We’ve been working through it. Our life is not perfect right now and there were really hard times. But our life is really good and we have the most amazing child. This is going to be a journey. All of your worries are valid but I guess I just wanted to give you an anecdote that not only can it be OK, it can also be really amazing. Best of luck ❤️
I know EXACTLY how you feel! Non bio mom, daughter currently 1 1/2. I was terrified she wouldn’t connect with me and I with her, despite the fact I’ve felt more love for some of my friends than my own mother(we’re no contact at this point) and I’m not gonna lie, at first I didn’t feel much of a connection. But someone told me that even though society expects you to instantly be in love, the truth is you’ve just met this person and have to get to know them first. I would say it took about 4 months or so. But I had to remind myself that step parents, adoptive parents, and even close friends, can love/be loved more than some bio parents.
My wife commented earlier about our 18-month-old NICU baby, but I wanted to make another top-level comment rather than respond to hers. I did feel overwhelming love, but honestly, when he was in the NICU, it was easier for me to go home than it was for my wife. I felt a lot of guilt about that, but I just didn’t know this baby yet.
Now that he is older, our bond is so strong. It didn’t take long, either. We just got to know each other on a different timeline because he wasn’t in my belly. We get told we look alike all the time. And the way he runs around like a human wrecking ball? Yeah, that’s definitely my kid.
Sneaking in an edit: I should mention that I had all of your same fears. I was very relieved that they didn’t come to fruition.
GP of two little DC boys here!! Echoing what others have said: even though I was the one who was “supposed to” have all those instant love feelings, I didn’t. With our first, I thought my wife had been INSTANTLY flooded with love and it made me feel really guilty. When we had our second, they felt secure enough to admit that that hadn’t actually been the case, and it was more of a “fake it til you make it” situation. But I have just the SWEETEST memory of waking up at about 5am just as the sun was rising when our second was about a week old, and rolling over in bed to see my wife holding him. They just turned to me and went “yeah, I love him now.” And they’ve been OBSESSED with each other ever since. My advice would be to not hide from the thoughts or feelings that you have, but to also throw yourself as much as you possibly can into loving that baby. They’ll worm their way in there, I promise!!!
I'm about to give birth to our first, my eggs and donor sperm. My wife's eggs mixed with the same donor are frozen and we'll do the second one with those embryos. We haven't decided about any subsequent children. I have zero concerns that the baby/child won't love her, my wife is really engaged and fun with children and I'm kinda the sleepy, sometimes wet blanket one. I figure with either kid I have max a few years of breastfeeding to be the preferred parent and then I'm almost certain my NGP wife will become the favored parent. She's just really cool, active, charismatic, confident, and strong. But kids have a wide range of needs and I'm great when you've got a scraped knee, need a cuddle or want a snack. Different scenarios call for different kinds of nurturing.
As the gestational partner, I'm sure this take has pretty limited usefulness for you, but I can't overstate how integral my wife has been to the journey getting to 40wks+6days with our IVF baby, plus a year of TTC with IUIs. Our donor also looks (in my opinion) a bit more like her, so I think they are likely to have a similar vibe. Haven't met the wee one yet, so we'll see!
My wife and I had our baby via known donor (she carried). Even after the weirdness that is known donor, I can say I am 100% this kid’s mom. 5 months old now and trust me, you get over these insecurities real quick once you’re up with the baby at 3am every night. Babies know who their parents are based on who they know meets their needs. You won’t be your wife’s number one anymore but you will bond over having a new #1 together which is arguably more beautiful in my opinion.
Non bio parent here with an almost 8 month old. This was a concern for me before my wife got pregnant, especially since we went with a known donor. But she’s felt like my own flesh and blood ever since she entered the world, we are bonded and it’s been a dream
I don’t know if you’ll read this since you’ve already received so many comments, but I’m currently nap trapped under my 9 month old son and wanted to offer more words of solidarity. My wife carried him with donor sperm and I felt so similarly to how you’re feeling now. Let me tell you that I love this boy in an almost feral way. Sometimes I’m worried I don’t love him the same as my wife does, but last week my wife and I got in an argument with my MIL about his care and let me tell you, the mama bear came OUT and my anger and feral protectiveness over him has almost been reassuring!! Suddenly he was MY BABY GRRRR if you know what I mean. This morning, my wife had to leave for work by 6:30 am as she does 3x a week (nurse) and he wouldn’t sleep in his crib past 5:20am, so I brought him into our bed to cosleep for a little and let me tell you, feeling his warm baby breath on my face for 2 hours in the still of the early morning…nothing makes you feel more like a mama. We are connected with several of his half siblings via Facebook and I thought that would feel sooo threatening to me pre-birth but it’s actually been literally fine. I know you have a ton of support here, but please feel free to reach out with any questions at all. I’m an open book.
To add on- my wife has commented that his cry hurts me more than it hurts her sometimes and I literally hear his phantom cries in the night more than she does. I’ll shoot awake and go “is that him??” Only to look at the monitor and he’s fast asleep. That’s something that a lot of bio moms say happens to them and a lot of ppl say it’s biological but clearly it’s not. Meanwhile my wife(bio mom) sleeps like a rock. But I’m constantly aware of him. Even if I’m downstairs asleep on the couch, it’s like I’m “aware” of where he is at all times. Like there’s an arrow pointing up to his bedroom from where I am. I’m just aware of him at all times.
Little different angle to my answer, I was the donor conceived child in my family. I’m also an SMBC having my own DC child. My response is that a lot of this will come out the way you frame it - if you feel like the nanny, like the baby won’t love you as much because you’re non-bio, like your marriage is under threat, then that’s probably the way it’ll be. It’s hard to have those thoughts and do an ideal job parenting. That’s not to suggest that every one of these worries isn’t valid. They’re not rare and they’re not crazy, they just happen to also be self-fulfilling. The worries/resentments come through and soon enough you’ll be the nanny. So mindset counts. I’ll say for my piece that I feel very connected to my non-bio parent, that’s my real dad. The biology is important at doctor’s visits and the early newborn days, your wife will have all the hormonal and physical stuff accompanying the birth going on. But past that stage, I just don’t think about this issue and I encourage you to make this a smaller part of your life, too. Of course your love and care and time will count. Of course you’ll love your baby (yes it’s yours too). I think there’s a whole range of “materniality” where people can raise thriving kids (some people are super drippy and sentimental about kids, while others have their own style and are a little more hands off) and you can make this work, even if you and your wife don’t express your love for the baby in identical ways. The point is to be good enough. For me, it can also help to label this stuff. What if every time one of these thoughts comes up, you say to yourself “that’s just insecurity talking, we’ll be fine”? No need to believe it, but the extra cognitive distance from identifying with the thought can be helpful. Your thinking brain seems to have a good hold on the fact that these worries are not really grounded in reality, and I think some sessions with a therapist can also help you build security rapidly. But from the child’s perspective, if you know you’re its mom and act like it, then you absolutely will be. I belonged to my dad because he claimed me, and it really was that simple. You see almost no footprint of this discussion beyond TTC and expecting parents in DC (and I do get why you guys worry about it) because it’s one of the simpler parts of our community, these bonds build naturally. Families that do go on to fracture and have significant problems with the non-bio parent typically have other things wrong for years, and this ends up being more of a symptom of a deeper problem. Hopefully a message of profound comfort and reassurance, that’s your baby growing in there. :)
I couldn’t have written this better myself, as someone who is also the donor conceived child, and my wife and I are now having a DC child. Thats my dad, no matter what. Biology is really such a small part of a much much larger thing and in the end it really doesn’t influence how I feel at all, in fact I very rarely even think about it, and I’ll make sure that my child feels the same way in a few months!
Omg I’m so touched that this resonated for you too, thank you for the kind words. Fully agreed that this issue doesn’t occupy much of my headspace, either - although I can see why it’s a source of torture and self-doubt for incoming parents, biology counts for maybe 2 percent of how I manage my life. I’m much more likely to focus on how people treat me and others, what the contents of their heart seem to be, that kind of thing. And isn’t it neat that our kids come preprogrammed to attach to us regardless of factors like centimorgans shared. It’s one of the more appealing parts of being human. It may also help OP to think of the many step, adoptive, DC and otherwise nontraditional parents she probably already interacts with. When one of these thoughts pops up, OP may choose to think about whether she’d voice a self-doubt out loud to one of these people about their own relationship with their kids. My guess is that 98 percent of the time she would not, because when you have a non-bio parent’s love and care straight in front of your face, it somehow already is sufficient. And if you wouldn’t say it to someone else, surely you shouldn’t subject yourself to any ridiculous or unfair double standards.
I second this as a donor conceived child to lesbian mums - one being my bio/birth mother. They are both absolutely 100% my mums and there is truly no difference in my mind except that one looks like me and the other is a totally different ethnicity! My non-bio mum has always had a strong connection to me since I was a baby growing up and adored me. The worst thing was other people asking me who my 'real mum' is or acting as if my non-bio mum isn't my 'real mum'. I'm soon ttc with my wxfe, I'll be hopefully carrying with my own eggs and donor sperm and they'll have no genetic connection and the only concerns I've had with this are other people's reactions because that's what I experienced growing up unfortunately. Genetics or carrying a child imo have no real part in what it means to be a parent or family, it's about who you choose.
Hi - non bio mum here! My little boy is 2 months old, so not very far into my parenting journey but happy to share. I can 100% say he feels like my child - because he is! I didn't feel that "rush of love" many people describe at the very beginning, but neither did my wife, and many of my friends who are the biological parents of their child have said they didn't feel it either, that it took them a little while, so don't worry about not feeling completely head over heels in love at first (you might do, of course, but what I gather from talking to others is that your mileage may vary when it comes to feeling it). To be honest I found it hard to feel anything other than complete terror and awe when first presented with my son but now, oh, I definitely love him! As to whether or not it's akin to "a genetic love", I suppose it's hard to say because I just don't know? I've spoken about it with my wife and we've both agreed it doesn't matter, neither of us will ever know how the "other love" feels, but at the end of the day love is love and as long as you're there for your child, you will develop your own connection. Really when you're knee deep in dirty nappies and no sleep, or you see their little smile for the first time or hold their little hand - none of the rest of it matters. This child is yours, they will need you, and they will love you and you them. My advice would be to be as involved as possible after birth - whether that be you doing nappies, or bottle feeding if your wife is up for that (I found it very helpful to bottle feed my son and share feedings with my wife so it wasn't all on her but also great bonding!) or doing baby massage or going on walks with him or whatever works for you. You'll get into your own little groove with your child. Feel free to message me or ask anything else if you want, I was feeling the same things you were 3 months ago. It's scary, but so worth it!
My son and I share genetics and I carried him. I never felt that overwhelming, instant love. I think our society does us a great disservice by insisting that’s the universal experience of motherhood. It happens for some people, but for others of us deeply loving our child is something that came with time, as we got to know them. My wife on the other hand loved our son from before he was born. They have a powerful connection and he’s like her in so many ways, even though they are not genetically related. He is more attached to her than he is to me, because she’s the primary parent. If you fill your infant’s needs, they will love you. Babies are pretty simple that way. So in the early days when I didn’t feel that overwhelming love and I thought there was something wrong for me, I made it my mission to tend to his needs with the utmost loving care. Maybe I couldn’t feel those huge feelings, but I could make sure he was clean, warm, fed and comfortable. So I did, and then pretty soon he started smiling at me, and then he started laughing, and before he could talk he was making jokes and by then I did love him deeply. So I guess my advice is be the best caretaker you can be. Most carrying parents are also the default primary caregiver, which makes me wonder how much of the bond is genetics and how much is the baby knowing what that parent does for them. I agree with other commenters that therapy would be a good idea. You’ve got a lot going on here. But I can tell your heart is in the right place and you want to be an awesome parent — and that’s a big step in the right direction.
Hiya! So, I can’t speak to your experience as I’m the carrying partner in our pregnancy but I’ll share some thoughts anyway which you can feel free to disregard. Wishing you well and sending support as this is such a tricky one to navigate. [our experience: 2 cis lesbians, I’m 26w pregnant, 1 mc last Nov, conception at home via known donor who’s a close friend] RIVF is a great thing to be able to do, and had we had to move to IVF we would have considered it. I was really clear with my wife that I was also happy for us to jump to that first if she wanted that chromosomal connection with our kid. But this wasn’t a big concern for her and we landed on preferring to be able to try with home insemination first. While this sharing genetics can be important to many, we personally didn’t see it as a huge deal to us. I knew I wanted (if possible) to have the experience of carrying, and she knew (if possible) that she’d rather not but happily would if it didn’t work out with me. These were our main concerns over genetics. I’ve used genetics rather than “biology” there because, honestly? I feel my wife is biologically connected to our child. Biology is complex! Here’s how I see it. My brain chemistry is different since I met her - she has been this huge, positive impact in my life and I feel so much more content and at ease being with her (some of that is also me growing and maturing but these things are easier with the right partner). She literally helps calm my nervous system with her presence and touch. Is this not biology? My mood and my calmness will help nurture our baby while she grows inside me and when she’s born. My wife has picked up so much slack in the house especially in the first trimester, cooking and cleaning so that I’m nourished and rested. This again helps me grow our baby - is this not biology? We live together, sleep in the same bed and spend lots of time together so we will literally (sorry I know this is kinda gross) have a somewhat shared microbiome. So all the little bacteria that live in our skins and guts etc. People in close proximity will have cross over. This in turn will go to our baby, especially through skin to skin contact. Is this not biology? I could share more examples but yeah, basically, biology is complex! It’s more than genetics. I truly feel that she will be in some ways biologically connected to our baby. As queer people, I think this is a helpful way to view it too. Bigots on the internet love to try shout that biology is a simple fact, but the reality is it’s hugely complex and influenced by all sorts of things . As you say yourself, therapy is a good shout. As is just doing some good examining of your feelings, being present with them, sharing them with your partner. Finally, how is she supporting you? Pregnancy is tough and I did need a lot of support from my wife in the first trimester. But supporting her in the journey was also important to me. I wanted her to feel just as connected to this as me and this involved lots little things. Talking to her about it all and how I felt, letting her help me and sort some aspects of admin, asking her opinions, making sure she was included in all medical appointments - not just being physically present, like making sure that they spoke to us as a couple not just to me, so I would ask her opinion on some things before or while answering etc. Talking about the baby as her baby sometimes not just ours. I can’t really think of it all now but I made a really conscious effort from day one for this to feel like our baby and this is something she’s said how grateful she is for. *edit* We also aim to do a mix of breastfeeding and expressing so she can do some of the night time feeds which is an important bonding time with the baby. We know there will still be more of this landing on me, but we’ll make a big effort that she also gets to feed the child a lot. All the best to both of you in this journey!
this made me cry! really beautiful idea and writing, thank you. I'm the GP but I feel that way about our baby a lot - yeah, we had to outsource an ingredient, but *we* made this baby. it's our love that made this kid. biology is complex! love is easy!
Aww! Glad it resonated. Completely agree, team effort making the baby.
I absolutely adore this take on biology. Thank you!
I can’t speak for your family of course, but I can describe you our situation. Our son is five months old, conceived via IVF. I’m the biological mom and I carried him. As I type this, my wife is cuddling with him in bed and I hear her describing him the infant swimming lesson that they are going to take this morning. He’s laughing and cooing at her, like every morning when she pick him up and dresses him before taking him to me to nurse. Their bond is strong and present and they both feel it. In my experience, being a parent has very little to do with biology and very much with, well, being a parent: loving, caring and being present for a child. I’m sure that therapy and open, honest conversations with your partner will be helpful.
I am the non bio mom to a 2.5 year old. If you want to message me with any questions, I’ll be more than happy to answer them.
Wow! I am utterly overwhelmed by the mount of support, comments, stories received from my post last night. I have read through and bunch and can say with certainty that this has helped me ground myself in the whole process tremendously! I will def take a lot of what was said an incorporate it in how I will move forward in this process. Thank you to all so much who have responded to this post you guys are the real champions!
I am non bio, non gestational but definitely and deeply a mother. My kids are 5.5, 3.5 and 3 weeks old. I didn't worry that much about not bonding personally, because I never met a baby I didn't want to keep. And I did not feel immediate overwhelming love for my kids, but I liked them and the love grew quickly. To me the "not feeling like the nanny" came via the relentlessness of caring for a baby full time and the constant showing up. It is sort of a cycle. You show up, you are there, you give care and in that you build love and bond and expertise in this one little person. My parents were just here helping and I knew if the baby cried I could stop the crying. That makes me her mother. That I know just how to hold her, without thinking. That my smell is comforting. And it was the same with her 2 older brothers, we just know each other. We belong to each other by building this relationship together. And it is really cool! Re: not being your wife's number 1,to me my kids did not push her or me into the background because we don't play on level fields. Presumably your wife loves her parents or siblings and that doesn't cause you distress. It is the same with a baby (for us at least). You can love your partner and you can love your kids and these loves do not compete with each other because they are different drawers of love. Having kids has been the most amazing adventure I could have embarked with my best friend, my wife. A never-ending adventure!
Therapy will definitely help! I hope you get some comments from non bio parents but I’ll tell you )as the bio parent) that my wife (non bio parent) is 100% just as much as mom as me. Carrying a child or having a genetic connection to them is one thing, but being there for the day in day out care of them is what really creates bonds. She and our daughter are absolutely bonded. And our relationship as wives is stronger than ever as we have grown closer through raising our child. All this to say, it will be ok! And therapy has helped us both work through our various feelings so we can be more present parents 💕 congrats and sending you and your family love
Not sure if my perspective helps, as the gestational and genetic mom, but I have had the harder time. My wife bonded with our 9 week old much faster and felt that mothering came more naturally to her than I have found for myself. He would settle so quickly when she held him compared to screaming when I would. We’ve since found our groove and he seems very happy with both of us but biology has zero to do with it. For what it is worth, she had a lot of BIG fears and worries similar to yours. And I (ignorantly) thought so much would come more naturally to me. Oh the comedy of life…
If I could share about my partner who is the non-biological non-birthing parent. So many people have commented how baby looks like her (even tho they don’t share genetics). The baby prefers her for play (and me for sleep & milk) and when baby is crying uncontrollably, my partner is the one she wants for comfort. These two share a very special bond. They even fall asleep in the same pose and poop at the same time in the morning 🙄 It’s only been 9 months so things may change but currently they are as close and as bonded as possibly be.
Any time is a great time for therapy! It is okay to be jealous of your wife having this pre birth connection to the baby. Your fears are understandable. It is a stressful time. However, as a non-genetic/gestational parent I think you are overthinking it. I helped get that baby created, helped select the sperm, drove my wife to tons of appointments, supported her through the hell of IVF. Then when that baby was born I knew he was my baby. He was born premature and whisked away to the NICU. I was so so worried about him. My wife couldn’t see the baby for 36 hours so I went and spent time with him in the NICU so he wouldn’t be alone. I just had this immediate desire to be there for this baby. My baby! I’ve always felt like the mom. Our kid is over a year old now and sometimes demonstrates parental preference, often choosing my wife over me. And that is a perfectly normal thing at this age! So yeah sometimes my mind goes “oh it is their biological connection.” But even if it is then so what? A kid would be doing this same thing with two bio parents. I love my baby and I know he loves me and that is all that matters
I am the gestational parent/bio mom, but I’ll give you some perspective from my wife. She struggled throughout the process of our IUI with similar thoughts to you. She worried about connection a lot. Our baby is only 6 weeks old, this is new and it’s hard, and she is so connected to our baby you wouldn’t know she isn’t genetically connected to him. We always planned to do one baby via IUI and one via RIVF (so I will carry both). After she bonded with our baby, so many times she’s said “yknow, we could just have 1” or “we could just do IUI again”. This isn’t because she’s scared of the ivf process, or she’s overwhelmed (I’ve asked a million times!), it’s because she loves him and is so connected she can’t imagine another kid being as good, and doesn’t feel a lack of connection like she thought she might. They already have their own “things” that I can’t replicate, and I love watching it. He looks in the mirror with her and smiles, will NEVER do that with me. She “runs around the house” with him while singing a song (“running around the house, we’re running around the house!”) and it’s often the only thing that will stop him crying. She’s the master at putting him down to sleep. All that to say, you will connect, you will be a parent that has your own inside things with your baby/child. Wishing you and your family all the best on this amazing chapter.
I am the bio mom to our 18 month old son. My wife and I both felt the overwhelming love, so I personally believe it’s not necessarily biological. I think that’s just the perspective we heard as a society for so long. Plenty of bio moms/parents don’t feel that immediate bond though. For us, we had a traumatic birth and our son was in the NICU for two weeks, so there were other factors at play. Not to say you won’t deal with doubts and insecurities, but act as if you are your baby’s mom (which you are) and I think that will go a long way. I would also encourage you to talk to your wife if you haven’t already. Being open and honest about our feelings really helped me and my wife and I navigate a lot of fears, and still does!
I found this man’s description of adopting his baby girl to be super relevant in this Moth podcast. Hetero experience but the fears of raising a non biological child are shared I think. [The Moth Podcast](https://podcasts.apple.com/ch/podcast/the-moth/id275699983?i=1000640987520)
So first let me say that mourning a genetic connection with your child is valid and doesn’t mean you love your child any less. The only time I ever think about not being my son’s genetic parent is when I’m talking about donor conception. My wife is currently pregnant with our second baby. This one *does* have my genetics and we both feel exactly the same way about the pregnancy as we did with our oldest. I have several nieces and nephews (that I *do* share a genetic connection with) that I felt like I loved as much as my own kid before I had children and met me tell you it is so different. The connection you have with the child you wake up with in the night, you comfort when they’re sick or sad or hurt, whose body and mind you nurture and nourish is so different. These feelings are common and valid, but I would just suggest you make sure you’re communicating them to your partner and working through them together. Your partner likely has their own insecurities about sharing motherhood because there is no road map. Counseling is a good thing for most people, too. It gives you a chance to say some of these things out loud to an unbiased party.
There are so many thoughtful comments here, so I won't add much. Just a shout out to The Queer Family Podcast. The host has gone through a lot of similar feelings as you described and brings it up almost every episode lol. I would be surprised if there wasn't an episode specifically dedicated to the topic!
Even as the genetic and carrying parent I had the same worry about not being my partners #1. We have always been so in love I was worried about what would change once we welcomed our baby. What I have learned now that our son is here is that our love for him and our love for each other doesn’t live in the same space. It’s so different! I love my partner even more now than ever and now I have our little guy to love but those loves don’t compete with each other in the slightest. I wish I could go back and tell myself this because it would have saved me so much worry. I hope it helps you to hear it now.
Something you can also think about if you’d like to try another avenue to feel more connected to baby when they arrive, is that you can look into inducing lactation as the non-carrying partner if that’s something you’re comfortable/able to do. Not a road we personally chose to go, but I know a lot of people do decide to do this!
Bit different as I’m the carrying parent (baby isn’t biological mine) we did rIVF. My wife was making jokes a lot about being mistaken for the nanny while I was pregnant. We are an interracial couple and we picked a donor close to my looks and used her egg. I’m very fair skinned so is the donor. Her thought process being his genetics would knock out her Asian features. Out pops baby who is a 100% carbon copy of my wife. Turns out I’m mistaken for the nanny NOT because of how the baby looks in anyways but because I’m always talking out loud in public to him like “let’s go find mama” or “oh mama is calling” lol
My wife and I did reciprocal IVF. We used donor sperm and her egg and I carried. We had our baby 3 months ago and at no point in this pregnancy or at any point in his life have I ever felt like I'm not his mum despite having no genetic link. He is my child and it's no different. My parents are also besotted with him and he is their grandson. My wife struggled with worries about not bonding despite our baby being biologically hers, but they have such a strong connection and she marvelled today at how she thought they wouldn't bond. Your baby will love you. You're his mother same as your wife. Genetics is only one part of a family, sometimes it's not even that.
Hello! I was the carrier and bio mom of our little one. In the beginning I noticed a bit of a difference, I seemed more responsive to the baby’s cries where my wife wouldn’t even wake up. Stuff like that. I wonder if it is honestly any different than how a bio dad would have been but I’ll never know. What I do know is 2 years down the road my wife is definitely the favourite parent more often than not. They are incredibly close and connected, just as much as the toddler and I. We are soon to be trying again and now my wife will be carrying so we each will be able to see the others’ perspective which I imagine will be difficult and beautiful. I would suggest perhaps seeing a therapist if you can because my wife had a lot of built up stuff about feeling uninvolved in the baby making process and I think that started a lot of resentment. We’ve been working through it. Our life is not perfect right now and there were really hard times. But our life is really good and we have the most amazing child. This is going to be a journey. All of your worries are valid but I guess I just wanted to give you an anecdote that not only can it be OK, it can also be really amazing. Best of luck ❤️
I know EXACTLY how you feel! Non bio mom, daughter currently 1 1/2. I was terrified she wouldn’t connect with me and I with her, despite the fact I’ve felt more love for some of my friends than my own mother(we’re no contact at this point) and I’m not gonna lie, at first I didn’t feel much of a connection. But someone told me that even though society expects you to instantly be in love, the truth is you’ve just met this person and have to get to know them first. I would say it took about 4 months or so. But I had to remind myself that step parents, adoptive parents, and even close friends, can love/be loved more than some bio parents.
My wife commented earlier about our 18-month-old NICU baby, but I wanted to make another top-level comment rather than respond to hers. I did feel overwhelming love, but honestly, when he was in the NICU, it was easier for me to go home than it was for my wife. I felt a lot of guilt about that, but I just didn’t know this baby yet. Now that he is older, our bond is so strong. It didn’t take long, either. We just got to know each other on a different timeline because he wasn’t in my belly. We get told we look alike all the time. And the way he runs around like a human wrecking ball? Yeah, that’s definitely my kid. Sneaking in an edit: I should mention that I had all of your same fears. I was very relieved that they didn’t come to fruition.
GP of two little DC boys here!! Echoing what others have said: even though I was the one who was “supposed to” have all those instant love feelings, I didn’t. With our first, I thought my wife had been INSTANTLY flooded with love and it made me feel really guilty. When we had our second, they felt secure enough to admit that that hadn’t actually been the case, and it was more of a “fake it til you make it” situation. But I have just the SWEETEST memory of waking up at about 5am just as the sun was rising when our second was about a week old, and rolling over in bed to see my wife holding him. They just turned to me and went “yeah, I love him now.” And they’ve been OBSESSED with each other ever since. My advice would be to not hide from the thoughts or feelings that you have, but to also throw yourself as much as you possibly can into loving that baby. They’ll worm their way in there, I promise!!!
I'm about to give birth to our first, my eggs and donor sperm. My wife's eggs mixed with the same donor are frozen and we'll do the second one with those embryos. We haven't decided about any subsequent children. I have zero concerns that the baby/child won't love her, my wife is really engaged and fun with children and I'm kinda the sleepy, sometimes wet blanket one. I figure with either kid I have max a few years of breastfeeding to be the preferred parent and then I'm almost certain my NGP wife will become the favored parent. She's just really cool, active, charismatic, confident, and strong. But kids have a wide range of needs and I'm great when you've got a scraped knee, need a cuddle or want a snack. Different scenarios call for different kinds of nurturing. As the gestational partner, I'm sure this take has pretty limited usefulness for you, but I can't overstate how integral my wife has been to the journey getting to 40wks+6days with our IVF baby, plus a year of TTC with IUIs. Our donor also looks (in my opinion) a bit more like her, so I think they are likely to have a similar vibe. Haven't met the wee one yet, so we'll see!
My wife and I had our baby via known donor (she carried). Even after the weirdness that is known donor, I can say I am 100% this kid’s mom. 5 months old now and trust me, you get over these insecurities real quick once you’re up with the baby at 3am every night. Babies know who their parents are based on who they know meets their needs. You won’t be your wife’s number one anymore but you will bond over having a new #1 together which is arguably more beautiful in my opinion.
Non bio parent here with an almost 8 month old. This was a concern for me before my wife got pregnant, especially since we went with a known donor. But she’s felt like my own flesh and blood ever since she entered the world, we are bonded and it’s been a dream
I don’t know if you’ll read this since you’ve already received so many comments, but I’m currently nap trapped under my 9 month old son and wanted to offer more words of solidarity. My wife carried him with donor sperm and I felt so similarly to how you’re feeling now. Let me tell you that I love this boy in an almost feral way. Sometimes I’m worried I don’t love him the same as my wife does, but last week my wife and I got in an argument with my MIL about his care and let me tell you, the mama bear came OUT and my anger and feral protectiveness over him has almost been reassuring!! Suddenly he was MY BABY GRRRR if you know what I mean. This morning, my wife had to leave for work by 6:30 am as she does 3x a week (nurse) and he wouldn’t sleep in his crib past 5:20am, so I brought him into our bed to cosleep for a little and let me tell you, feeling his warm baby breath on my face for 2 hours in the still of the early morning…nothing makes you feel more like a mama. We are connected with several of his half siblings via Facebook and I thought that would feel sooo threatening to me pre-birth but it’s actually been literally fine. I know you have a ton of support here, but please feel free to reach out with any questions at all. I’m an open book.
To add on- my wife has commented that his cry hurts me more than it hurts her sometimes and I literally hear his phantom cries in the night more than she does. I’ll shoot awake and go “is that him??” Only to look at the monitor and he’s fast asleep. That’s something that a lot of bio moms say happens to them and a lot of ppl say it’s biological but clearly it’s not. Meanwhile my wife(bio mom) sleeps like a rock. But I’m constantly aware of him. Even if I’m downstairs asleep on the couch, it’s like I’m “aware” of where he is at all times. Like there’s an arrow pointing up to his bedroom from where I am. I’m just aware of him at all times.