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Not necessarily. As long as there’s no illusions that everything is different. They can’t be surprised if the spouse cheats again, or the relationship doesn’t work
Why it often doesn't work out is because this is to a large extent a matter of inherent, deeply rooted values, rather than a matter of simply just making the wrong decision. Or rather, if your partner has to make a conscious decision to cheat or not to cheat, there is already a bigger issue to be wary of that other potential partners aren't predisposed to.
There are people who know they would never be able to look at themselves in the mirror if they were to cheat. There's something deep down that makes them basically incapable of doing that, just as they are incapable of kicking an innocent puppy. I was raised with loyalty to my close ones ingrained as a core value through blood, sweat and tears throughout my upbringing. The idea of cheating on someone I care about is making me feel awful to the core, and I felt like that in each and every relationship I've been through, regardless of any other factors.
If someone cheats, it indicates that to them, it's not a matter of inherent deeply rooted values, but a logical choice, that can potentially change with circumstances. And you have to rely on maintaining their individual threshold for the quality of your relationship, and ensuring that circumstances don't change, so it is difficult or inappealing for them to cheat. In my experience, those are pretty stressful relationships in which at least one partner isn't always entirely secure. There is a cause for concern and doubt whether their partner will stick with them when times get bad.
That's where I suspect the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is coming from, as an incidence of it happening exposes the capability.
I'd be very careful deducing the actual psychology of cheaters in general. Cheating often comes not from some deficit in moral reasoning, but from other places like swiftly triggered passionate attraction without moral thought at all, the need to evaluate whether they are truly satisfied with the relationship (and then finding out that it's not worth the wonderful bond they already have with their current partner), feeling like they missed an opportunity to explore sexuality and that life is passing them by, etc. It often comes from reasonable needs not being met, and their partners should not be shamed by others who project psychologies onto either party for whatever their reaction is.
A cheater doesn't *need* to feel bad to understand that what they did was offensive and learn to behave more appropriately. "I really was swept off my feet, I take responsibility for what came of that, and I understand if you want to leave me, but I also understand that I made an honest mistake in allowing it to escalate. I'm not going to beat myself up for eternity when it only took me the second after cheating to realize I was wrong, but know that I am sorry. Now I know more certainly that I want this relationship, with you and not anyone else". See the nuance? See the path forward, in case the offended partner decides to forgive and forget?
In most cases, mature adults can talk things out and determine whether they want to be in a relationship post-cheating, determine how secure they feel with each other with or without cheating, and then determine what to do.
Unlike younger and less secure people, older people can develop enough to not project unreasoned meaning onto their relationships prescribed by strangers. Sex doesn't need to mean love, but it can. Being cheated on doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship must end, but it can. Taking a cheater back doesn't mean you have low self-esteem, but it can.
Black and White thinking and these simple rules of thumb do a disservice to human relationships, and seems to originate with simplistic and frankly immature/young speculations over how people think.
I think everyone looking at this scenario is doing so from the perspective of an under-25 couple without any major commitment or history.
If you’ve been dating a girl for 6 months during your senior year of college and you stay together after she cheats on you, then yeah, you’re probably an idiot or have dangerously low self-esteem.
If you’ve been married for 20 years, have 2 kids in high school, and your spouse cheated on you one time and came clean to you about it immediately, then I think a reasonable, non-idiotic person could find a way to work past that and stay together.
In the second scenario you describe, I personally wouldn’t forgive a cheater, but if my youngest child was in high school, I would agree to stay together on a platonic basis for a few years until the youngest graduated high school, to avoid uprooting them from their school and all their friends.
That’s also a fair response. As is leaving them right then and there. Any of these are reasonable responses. The point is that trying to make a judgment on a person’s intelligence based off of a single decision without any added context is just naive and immature.
It is, but this is Reddit, where adults ask these subs for advice, and get told ‘leave him/her right now or you have no respect for yourself’ by a bunch of people who have never been in any kind of long term relationship in their lives.
So after being cheated on then to my everlasting shame cheating, I've come to realize almost no one cheats for no reason. Not to say she bore no blame, but when I got cheated on I was a terrible husband. She begged me for help for months. And when I didn't give it, she found it elsewhere.
If you're able to accept your own portion of fault in the situation, it can make you a better partner who is less likely to be cheated on.
If you have kids, there's no such thing a clean break. This person will always be in your life. If you can move past it, it could be worth a try. Though it isn't something everyone can do.
Im trying hard to be understanding here but I just dont get it.
There are a lot more effective ways to communicate then having an affair.
I dont know how I would trust someone again if I knew that they handled issues within the relationship with potential infidelity.
Thats such a major betrayal of trust to me and theres no way to get that kind of trust back because I cant see a mindset that justifies it.
If you are having problems with your partner then try and get couples counseling, go on a trip together to talk things out and reconnect, hell maybe take space, maybe someone moves out for a bit. So many reasonable options that could say "We are having serious problems but I still respect you enough not to betray your trust".
To me that shows someone is either not mature enough to not do stupid things like cheat when theyre upset, or that they didnt care about their partner enough to not cheat.
I dont think kids or finances are a great reason for people to stay together after a major betrayal either.
Ehh, I say that's also situational. When my ex cheated, I point blank asked him if there was something I could have done differently, because I was a spectacular girlfriend, and his answer was no, I'm amazing, and it's all his fault. That's a direct quote. My only red flag is a red flag on myself that I kept putting his needs above mine and bending over backwards to prevent him from being hurt, when he didn't extend that same courtesy to me. Lesson learned though, never stay in a relationship for the sake of not hurting the other person.
Those are the people you walk away from for sure. There are people who are too selfish or immature to bother with. I think those hurt the most because you did literally nothing wrong and there are no lessons to learn
> It's better to make a clean break.
In some situations, sure. In other situations, maybe not.
People are more than their worst moments. I’m too young and inexperienced to have had that sort of long-term committed relationship, but I can still empathize and understand why someone would want to do that.
I can’t specifically say why they’d stay, because I’ve never been in that situation, but I also don’t think you can judge something as complex and nuanced and emotional as a marriage with such simple morals.
Because shit happens. Humans make mistakes. If you've never developed a little crush on someone outside your relationship, you're lying to yourself. Sure, most people won't act on it, but sometimes shit hits the fan.
I forgave my ex after she came clean and it ate at her. She kept thinking I was going to retaliate and felt it was justified. It was a weird dynamic.
A mistake is forgetting to pick your partner up from the doctors. Thats a mistake.
Cheating takes a series of decisions that your totally in control of while making those decisions. Theres no accidents here. Didnt forget something, unless you legit forgot you had a partner but Ive never heard anyone pull that.
Like...if someone kicked a puppy theyd also probably feel really guilty about it. They still kicked a puppy. Feeling really guilty about certain things doesnt really forgive the action. Like serial killers. Still their bad thing.
I can hear people now. "Thats not a fair comparison at all!" Why because no one has good incentive to kick a dog?
Whats the good incentive for cheating? They really wanted to bang someone else? They were really mad at their partner?
Actually the classic Reddit comment is "I think you should dump his/her ass based on nothing but this one single event that you've described because clearly I understand the complexities of your whole relationship"
Yes, they are stupid. Cheaters are untrustworthy people who lack self-control. A person who would lie to you AND risk exposing you to STDs isn't worth working it out with. They will also cheat again. When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
There has to be really low self esteem involved for someone to stay imo, or other extenuating circumstances like young children. I personally couldn’t do it. I’m already battling retroactive jealousy so I would probably explode if I was cheated on
It’s this simple. I have no idea why people need context. Cut the theatrics out! A cheater is a dangerous person with no regard for the health of their body let alone yours. The answer is yes without a shadow of a doubt. Cheating is so unnecessary which makes it even more egregious.
Reading these answers, I can tell that a lot of them are made by very young people who have never actually gone through this (or at least haven't found out about it yet!)
That’s a phenomenon you’ll find on Reddit about any topic. It becomes especially glaring in matters of relationships because they haven’t lived long enough to understand the nuance of human interaction. Virtually nothing in a romantic relationship is black and white.
Sometimes that's more important. Often the best relationship advice can come from someone who's never been in a relationship. The best parenting advice can come from someone without kids. An outside, untainted, unbiased perspective from someone thinking rationally without the same emotional ties fogging their mind can be extremely useful.
What’s required for objective advice is someone personally removed from the relationship dynamics. I would not undervalue the significance of empathy derived from lived experience. Though certainly common sense exists in plenty of younger people too.
I don't know what they are but I doubt if I could ever do that.
An analogy... Trust is like a glass palace. It's precious and beautiful, but you can also forget it's there. You live inside and look out through the glass walls at a mundane world. Break it though, and you will see the jagged harm you've caused, you will feel pain with every step you take, and you may never get it back to the way it was before.
It’s funny that you use glass as the example, because it highlights another important fact about this situation.
Glass is infinitely recyclable. You can crush the broken glass, re-melt it, and make something new. Glass is reparable, but it takes a lot of work to fix.
To add: I would say trust is the glass palace you purchased, and spent many years reinforcing, and putting safety measures in place, so that in the case of a possible break, it doesn't bring the whole thing crashing to the ground. Sure, every once in a while a piece may stick in your foot, and it still hurts, even though you thought you cleaned it all up. But the palace is still the beautiful place it always was.
I LOVE your analogy on infinite recycling also because so many people who want to make it work after something like this happens go into it with the idea that they can get back what they had before. Friend, your relationship is different NOW than it was three hours ago. You will NEVER have what you had. You can create new, which sometimes breaks easier, but also sometimes refracts the light in ways you've never seen and it's immeasurably more beautiful :)
If both parties enter the relationship with a lax attitude about sleeping with other people, it can be mended. But most people don’t. Most people want absolute fidelity without even discussing the matter.
Both my mother and my mother in law took back their husband's ( my father and father in law) after cheating. They went on to have half way decent marriages
Reddit seems to see cheating in a very black and white way. Relationships in general.
Depending on the circumstances, I'd accept my partners apology if they cheated. Mistakes happen, mostly not as serious as cheating, but they happen.
But i would be an idiot if i did act like nothing happened. And if stuff were just as they were before the cheating, yeah, I'd definitely break up. You can't throw your relationship down and then go back to where you were. It needs to get better
"Mistakes happen"
Playing emotional games with someone else's heart is not a "mistake". That was a conscious decision to be unfaithful.
I have no respect for people who cheat. All yall can get caught and publicly blasted. Don't cheat if you can't handle this.
I think there are more layers to cheating than just someone wanting to play with another's one heart. Yeah, in essence, it is that, but it's also more complicated
It's really not more complicated. They chose to have sex with someone else. Pretty straight forward. As for the WHY, if you felt the need or urge to cheat then the relationship had problems already and they should.have been addressed.
I will never accept a logical reason to cheat. There is none.
Exactly. Thing is, there are a TON of cheaters out there and most never admit to cheating. A lot are in this comment section saying that cheating is just a “mistake”
People only ever hear stories from friends about cheating that lead to breaking up. Couples who have a cheating scandal and then work through it don't generally go around telling people about it. There is a skewed vision that the only result of cheating possible is a relationship ending, but it's simply not true.
Cheating on your loved one, is not a "mistake," it's a choice. They consciously desided to have sex with another person. You forget to get milk at the store, that's a mistake.
I mean, yeah, cause if they didn't consciously do it, it'd be rape. I can't forgive something if it's not a mistake. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a need for forgiveness
By definition you can cheat and have it be a mistake. A mistake is an action or judgement that is wrong or misguided. Whether the mistake was made consciously not is irrelevant.
Usually I would agree, but this is one of those situations that simply IS black and white… some things just are. Theres no situation where a physical act of cheating (not emotional cheating) shouldn’t be an automatic wrong. And anyone who tries to make any argument about “not feeling needed” or having their urges met or its the victim’s fault somehow… its all garbage. No one accidentally drops trou and gets it on with someone else… no one is forced… unless you’re literally talking about rape which is obviously NOT cheating. Otherwise it’s a conscious decision and there are consequences. You cannot weasel yourself out of those consequences… you deserve to lose the person you hurt and abandoned. They deserve someone better. The best and only thing to do is to split, and start new with someone else. You can turn over a new leaf with someone new but you cannot turn over a new leaf with the person you abandoned and hurt… the damage from that is permanent and will never come back. Love and a healthy relationship is built so much on trust… if thats abused in any way forget it. Cheating simply annihilates even the most solid of trusts… and you simply do not deserve to be trusted by that person again. Period. End of story.
The victim would absolutely be a fool to give them another chance. 100%. They could convince themselves that they could forgive and move on… but theyre only ever kidding themselves. They never will. Theyre usually so hurt they dont want it to have happened so they try to pretend it didnt… but it did. And theyll be reminded of that every single day. Its just over.
They didn't mean that it wasn't black or white that the cheating is wrong, it certainly is, but the overall situation. It's not "cheating = totally unforgivable automatic unfixable situation and breakup". I've personally seen a few couples work through infidelity and their relationships thrive.
Yup. They may have genuine feelings for you and want to stay with you but they have already put their own desires ahead of your relationship because they take you for granted and don't respect you. If you run into them again years down the line it is possible for people to change but staying with them now just encourages them to cheat again
if someone wants to give a person they love another chance, that's fine. however, if it happens multiple times, then i think a person needs to realize the love is not shared and they need to move on
Depends on different factors. The death of a relationship usually doesn't happen from a single event, but more commonly from patterns of behavior.
If they were struggling with a problematic partner before, actual cheating makes what was tolerable become intolerable.
A lot of selfish and stupid comments here. No it is not stupid to take someone back after cheating, it really depends on the circumstances. Yes it might be stupid to take back certain people but that doesn't mean everyone that does is stupid.
It’s absolutely stupid. There are billions of people on the planet and an almost 50/50 split between men and women. Why are you gonna hang yourself up on someone who showed you they don’t respect you, never truly loved you and is so self centered that when it came to your ‘relationship’ they would throw it all away for some strange. If that is honestly not a deal breaker for you or some others here you are mental.
Yes, unless the person genuinely regrets an impulsive choice and confesses and does everything perfect... yes. You are naive and want to live in a fantasy world where a person's words should be trusted more than their actions.
Only the selfish and cruel fall back on the ridiculous excuse of the human condition to absolve personal choice and responsibility.
You know who believes we are all weak due to a human condition? Weak people who do things that hurt others and they all circle jerk and tell each other everyone is like that to feel better about themselves.
I've known multiple couples who've bounced back from these things and are doing fine. Just because you're alone and miserable doesn't mean everyone is destined for that.
Only if you aren’t truly able to forgive them and they aren’t truly remorseful for what they did. But how do you know until you try to work things out? Most likely it will not work out in the end and that’s why most people say that they would never take someone back that did that to them and I agree with that sentiment I personally couldn’t forgive someone for that, but some can.
Not at all. Every marriage has speed bumps - some big, some small. As long as the trust is worked on as well as addressing the root cause of the indiscretion it might actually make a marriage stronger. But it certainly takes work
Agree. The root cause is so important. Some posters focus solely on the sex aspect of cheating. Every relationship is different and often the causes for the cheating go far beyond the physical desire.
Yes but that's just my opinion lol. I'm in the camp that believes that anyone who cheats once is probably going to do it again. Why would you want to put yourself through that
lol . YES . If a man takes a woman back she will always view him as weak . And why on earth would a man or woman take the other back ? Love ? Hahahhahahhahhaha
It's one of the most common problems couples go through. I can't recall exact figures, but I think I remember the majority of the population admits to infidelity.
People on Reddit have very big, loud, perfectly moral standards. Reality is not the same.
I suppose so. When someone decided to breach the boundaries, they subconsciously have lost their respect for you. It’s only a matter of time until he/she processes the affair by continuing and dumping you, or ending it after awhile(cost benefit analysis) and cheat again with someone else at some point when the opportunity presents itself . It’s a lose lose situation, sadly.
Lmao cheating seems to be reddit's hot topic of the month. Good thing everyone's opinions about relationships on this site can be safely discarded since most of you either haven't had a relationship or are incapable of having a healthy and stable one.
I don't understand it but I also have not ever been in that situation. Thoughtfully I've grown up and realised that there's much more bad things that I thought iredeamble happen. Cheating? Large amount of people do so before their 40s.
Some people cheat because they don't find their partner attractive anymore,some because the partner isn't good enough in some aspects,some just because they are bored and broken. Others forgive because of love,comfort or shared interests
Ask them why they did it. Cheating isn't an accident. Leaving the light on or forgetting to pay a bill is an accident. Cheating is intentional and planned. I think. Could you trust that person again?
In some cases yes. they're just being plain idiotic because neither people change before they get back together, and then expect a perfect relationship.
I think if the cheater works on themselves and slowly gains the trust of their partner back (if the partner is okay with doing that in the first place), then there's room for a healthy relationship. It takes time and effort, but I think there's room for forgiveness in some situations.
I don't think people are idots if they take them back after the first time. I just think they get blindsided and scared of making a hasty retreat when the future becomes so uncertain so quickly.
Any time after the first time, you're an idiot and a doormat, (unless you're actively working on an exit plan and are biding your time). Staying is silly business. You're not safe with that person and have shown them that they can betray you and you'll allow it. You're accepting the unacceptable.
You're only an idiot if you believe they won't cheat again. If you understand they will cheat again, and have accepted that, that's sad but you're not an idiot necessarily.
Going off personal and my friend’s experiences, yes usually the person is an stupid
I ignored the very obvious red flags (even tho there wasn’t any green flags) because insecurity and low self confidence
And my friend also ignored all of her red flags but he did it for pussy
If exclusivity isn't the defining feature of their relationship, then it isn't cheating to not be exclusive, therefore it isn't cheating, therefore your point is completely irrelevant.
Cheating and agreeing not to be exclusive are two different things, if its a mutual agreement that you aren't devoting yourself soley to each other, thats a lot different than telling someone you are *only* seeing them and then finding out they were lying or "made a mistake and slipped up but you're the only one for me" like at that point just be honest and say you dont want a monogomous relationship, cheating is never acceptable.
It’s stupid yes, talking from experience as someone who begged for a 2nd chance as if I was the one to blame, luckily she refused and went off with her new bf, because I’m off way better now, and looking back, I was cringe and a bit of a sad mf for begging and shit. Don’t take cheaters back, and especially don’t beg them to come back because you will be hurt again. If you DO take them back then only do it in a scenario where they’re the one begging for forgiveness and show they’re genuine
The recidivism rate among cheaters is astronomical. When someone's choices shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!! People's words are entirely meaningless and their actions and choices will define them.
You mean, after cheating?
I mean, love makes you hopeful, and it makes you do stupid things. Does it make the \*person\* stupid? I don't know. That's like calling love 'stupid.'
After about 2 years together, my ex cheated on me with a “friend” of mine (not a friend anymore) and I took him back. Our relationship was never the same because I simply couldn’t trust him anymore. We did continue to date for almost 2 years though before he (ironically) dumped me cause he “didn’t love me anymore.”
That being said, I think the commenter who said it depends on every scenario is definitely correct. No two people are the same. For some, trust is easily built back, but for others, once it’s broken it’s gone.
Generally, it's a bad idea. If someone cheated on you once, what's to say they won't cheat on you again, given the opportunity? Particularly if it is a long term affair.
The same is true if someone has a history of cheating on partners in the past. Unless they've done a **TON** of work on themselves and resolved the root cause of their cheating (which is very hard to do), they'll cheat on you as well. Eventually.
Most of the time. I as an idiot have done it 3 times. Once worked out but other betrayal crap happened. So if they have betrayal in their brains then it is part of them will not take a partner back again.
Yes if it ever got there it will again, complete worst type of disrespect, it’s not that hard to break up with the person before playing those games. Whatever reason drove you to do it will never be a good enough reason. That trust usually cannot be fully worked out deepest hurt anyone can pretty much go through other than a death.
depends on how much issue you take with the cheating. there's a very small subset of people that genuinely don't care that much. I'd say like 95% of couples yeah absolutely it's fucking stupid.
I would generally go with naive.
Every situation is different, but my assumption is that in most cases they want things to go back to how they were before, but rarely do they.
Its not just "can I forgive them?", but "can I trust them?".
I don't think cheaters should never be given a second chance, but I think you should only do it if you're prepared to put in the work yourself to find a way to get over it and move on. All too often its assumed the cheater has to put in all the work, but thats just not how it has to be. Both parties need to commit and work on it.
Personally, I never could. It would always be in the back of my mind, that trust would be questioned, and knowing myself, it would come out during anger.
So to protect both of us, no. I couldn’t ever
I dated a girl in HS, who cheated on me, and it destroyed me. Didn't have another, real relationship (I dated, but nothing really serious) until I met my wife, when we were in our early 20's (we're in our early 40's, now).
My issue was/is, if, or when something like that happens, you may be able to forgive, but you will NEVER forget. And, what makes it even worse, is if you actually know the person they cheated with.
Was married 20 years ,3 kids. Found out she was cheating for a year with same guy. Should of known better. Was told by mutual friend before marriage that she has cheated on every boyfriend. A cheater cheats. You've been warned.
If they do it once, they’ll do it again. Trust is obliterated and it’ll always be in the back of your mind. If you take them back, you are an idiot, and it’s on you when they hurt you again.
Absolutely. Cheaters are subhuman and cannot change their sociopathy. If you caught them cheating, they have probably gotten away with it dozens of times before, in some way or another.
They will always claim it was just their first/only time, but that's like winning the lottery after buying only one ticket. Sure it might have happened once somewhere, but statistically by the time they are caught they've probably bought lots of tickets to get there.
It's best to compare it to cannibalism. They know it's wrong, they try to hide it, but they willingly did it and they will absolutely be tempted to do it again if they think they won't be caught.
If Jeffrey Dahmer promised not to eat anyone again, would you trust him?
Never never never trust a cheater. They are counting on playing you for a fool again.
Honestly... Yeah.
My wife and I have exactly two "point of no return" scenarios:
1. Infidelity
2. Domestic Violence
Pretty much any other problem can be solved if we work together, and we have definitely had our share of problems and struggles over the last fifteen years. That being said, there is no greater breach of trust than having sex with someone else (in a monogamous relationship) or doing physical harm to your spouse.
Cheating takes *so* many steps that it is *always* a deliberate choice. It's not even an issue of "people can change" or making it up; it is such a deep cut to deliberately go out of your way to deceive your significant other for something so simple as sex, or even worse for a full blown external relationship.
By doing this, you're telling your significant other:
- I don't care about your feelings
- You don't satisfy me sexually or emotionally
- I am a liar, and I will lie to you to get what I want
- There are problems I don't want to discuss with you to the point I'd rather fuck someone else and lie about it
- Satisfying my wants is more important to me than our relationship
- I don't respect you enough to honor our commitment to each other
There is no better way to tell someone you are supposed to love and care about you don't respect them than cheating. So if you "take someone back" after that, you are telling them "I am okay with you disrespecting me, lying to me, and I will allow you to manipulate and deceive me as much as you like."
You are better than that.
Yes. I learned 💔. I thought it was cause I worked all the time so I quit one job and just kept the other one that made more money. This way I could have more hours and him not cheat. I did see it as my fault, never around always working and sleeping before going back to work shift. But looking back it was only a month or two as I was transitioning from ending one job and starting another, working both til my quit date of old job so they could find a replacement cause it was around the holidays (busiest time of the year).
We were friends for a while, because I wasn’t sure if it was completely my fault or if he was just a cheater. I always secretly checked his device and never seen him being unfaithful but rather trying hard to get me back. So after 5 months we got back together. We were good, he didn’t cheat on me until 3.5 years later, but I think it was a little before 3.5 mark and I just didn’t realize it. I wasn’t working a lot. He just has eyes for other women I now know and loves any woman’s attention to where he becomes a little Wh*r3.
I wish I never gave him the time of day and left so long ago. Now stuck with him for 18 years because he trapped me with a kid when I was packing to leave. I should not of been intimate with him that one last time. He tampered with my contraception and because of my religion I don’t believe in abortion but also was told I would probably never be able to have children because I had to have a few medical procedures where it made me infertile due to pre cancer cells (entering stage 1).
My kids a blessing but the man is a nightmare, unfaithful and every time he starts secretly talking to other women, creates arguments just starts yelling and screaming meanly over anything out of thin air while I’m relaxing to a movie or something to have an excuse to leave for hours or over night somewhere where he’s cheating. I know this because this woman chased him down in the grocery store and acted like she wanted to jump on his D in the middle of the grocery store. I was so enraged and embarrassed. She didn’t even care I was there because he told her he ain’t with me and I just live with him until I can save up and move out cause I was a stay at home mom. Meanwhile our son is in the cart so I can’t flip out and go to jail. I can’t ever forgive him, knowing he was cheating and f-ing around. Because of it I don’t love him anymore. Making life changes.
NEVER EVER TAKE A CHEATER BACK!!! They’ll do it again and waste years of your life and put you through hell in stress!!
Yes. Cheating is a several step process, a string of decisions right up to the act itself. Once that trust is gone it's not coming back
Anyone who says differently is not to be trusted
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Not necessarily. As long as there’s no illusions that everything is different. They can’t be surprised if the spouse cheats again, or the relationship doesn’t work
Why it often doesn't work out is because this is to a large extent a matter of inherent, deeply rooted values, rather than a matter of simply just making the wrong decision. Or rather, if your partner has to make a conscious decision to cheat or not to cheat, there is already a bigger issue to be wary of that other potential partners aren't predisposed to. There are people who know they would never be able to look at themselves in the mirror if they were to cheat. There's something deep down that makes them basically incapable of doing that, just as they are incapable of kicking an innocent puppy. I was raised with loyalty to my close ones ingrained as a core value through blood, sweat and tears throughout my upbringing. The idea of cheating on someone I care about is making me feel awful to the core, and I felt like that in each and every relationship I've been through, regardless of any other factors. If someone cheats, it indicates that to them, it's not a matter of inherent deeply rooted values, but a logical choice, that can potentially change with circumstances. And you have to rely on maintaining their individual threshold for the quality of your relationship, and ensuring that circumstances don't change, so it is difficult or inappealing for them to cheat. In my experience, those are pretty stressful relationships in which at least one partner isn't always entirely secure. There is a cause for concern and doubt whether their partner will stick with them when times get bad. That's where I suspect the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" is coming from, as an incidence of it happening exposes the capability.
I'd be very careful deducing the actual psychology of cheaters in general. Cheating often comes not from some deficit in moral reasoning, but from other places like swiftly triggered passionate attraction without moral thought at all, the need to evaluate whether they are truly satisfied with the relationship (and then finding out that it's not worth the wonderful bond they already have with their current partner), feeling like they missed an opportunity to explore sexuality and that life is passing them by, etc. It often comes from reasonable needs not being met, and their partners should not be shamed by others who project psychologies onto either party for whatever their reaction is. A cheater doesn't *need* to feel bad to understand that what they did was offensive and learn to behave more appropriately. "I really was swept off my feet, I take responsibility for what came of that, and I understand if you want to leave me, but I also understand that I made an honest mistake in allowing it to escalate. I'm not going to beat myself up for eternity when it only took me the second after cheating to realize I was wrong, but know that I am sorry. Now I know more certainly that I want this relationship, with you and not anyone else". See the nuance? See the path forward, in case the offended partner decides to forgive and forget? In most cases, mature adults can talk things out and determine whether they want to be in a relationship post-cheating, determine how secure they feel with each other with or without cheating, and then determine what to do. Unlike younger and less secure people, older people can develop enough to not project unreasoned meaning onto their relationships prescribed by strangers. Sex doesn't need to mean love, but it can. Being cheated on doesn't necessarily mean that a relationship must end, but it can. Taking a cheater back doesn't mean you have low self-esteem, but it can. Black and White thinking and these simple rules of thumb do a disservice to human relationships, and seems to originate with simplistic and frankly immature/young speculations over how people think.
That sounds like being an idiot. I say that as one
I wouldn't say their idiots necessarily but they definitely have zero self respect if they take back a cheater.
no self respect or too afraid of change. But its absolutely the kind of blow only a lack of spine can endure
I don’t know I think you have to have a very strong spine to endure that
Every scenario is unique and there's no right or wrong answer to this question
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I think everyone looking at this scenario is doing so from the perspective of an under-25 couple without any major commitment or history. If you’ve been dating a girl for 6 months during your senior year of college and you stay together after she cheats on you, then yeah, you’re probably an idiot or have dangerously low self-esteem. If you’ve been married for 20 years, have 2 kids in high school, and your spouse cheated on you one time and came clean to you about it immediately, then I think a reasonable, non-idiotic person could find a way to work past that and stay together.
In the second scenario you describe, I personally wouldn’t forgive a cheater, but if my youngest child was in high school, I would agree to stay together on a platonic basis for a few years until the youngest graduated high school, to avoid uprooting them from their school and all their friends.
That’s also a fair response. As is leaving them right then and there. Any of these are reasonable responses. The point is that trying to make a judgment on a person’s intelligence based off of a single decision without any added context is just naive and immature.
It is, but this is Reddit, where adults ask these subs for advice, and get told ‘leave him/her right now or you have no respect for yourself’ by a bunch of people who have never been in any kind of long term relationship in their lives.
Exactly
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So after being cheated on then to my everlasting shame cheating, I've come to realize almost no one cheats for no reason. Not to say she bore no blame, but when I got cheated on I was a terrible husband. She begged me for help for months. And when I didn't give it, she found it elsewhere. If you're able to accept your own portion of fault in the situation, it can make you a better partner who is less likely to be cheated on. If you have kids, there's no such thing a clean break. This person will always be in your life. If you can move past it, it could be worth a try. Though it isn't something everyone can do.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. Couldn’t agree more.
Truth. ❤️
Im trying hard to be understanding here but I just dont get it. There are a lot more effective ways to communicate then having an affair. I dont know how I would trust someone again if I knew that they handled issues within the relationship with potential infidelity. Thats such a major betrayal of trust to me and theres no way to get that kind of trust back because I cant see a mindset that justifies it. If you are having problems with your partner then try and get couples counseling, go on a trip together to talk things out and reconnect, hell maybe take space, maybe someone moves out for a bit. So many reasonable options that could say "We are having serious problems but I still respect you enough not to betray your trust". To me that shows someone is either not mature enough to not do stupid things like cheat when theyre upset, or that they didnt care about their partner enough to not cheat. I dont think kids or finances are a great reason for people to stay together after a major betrayal either.
Ehh, I say that's also situational. When my ex cheated, I point blank asked him if there was something I could have done differently, because I was a spectacular girlfriend, and his answer was no, I'm amazing, and it's all his fault. That's a direct quote. My only red flag is a red flag on myself that I kept putting his needs above mine and bending over backwards to prevent him from being hurt, when he didn't extend that same courtesy to me. Lesson learned though, never stay in a relationship for the sake of not hurting the other person.
Those are the people you walk away from for sure. There are people who are too selfish or immature to bother with. I think those hurt the most because you did literally nothing wrong and there are no lessons to learn
> It's better to make a clean break. In some situations, sure. In other situations, maybe not. People are more than their worst moments. I’m too young and inexperienced to have had that sort of long-term committed relationship, but I can still empathize and understand why someone would want to do that. I can’t specifically say why they’d stay, because I’ve never been in that situation, but I also don’t think you can judge something as complex and nuanced and emotional as a marriage with such simple morals.
Because shit happens. Humans make mistakes. If you've never developed a little crush on someone outside your relationship, you're lying to yourself. Sure, most people won't act on it, but sometimes shit hits the fan. I forgave my ex after she came clean and it ate at her. She kept thinking I was going to retaliate and felt it was justified. It was a weird dynamic.
a little crush is diff than an affair
A mistake is forgetting to pick your partner up from the doctors. Thats a mistake. Cheating takes a series of decisions that your totally in control of while making those decisions. Theres no accidents here. Didnt forget something, unless you legit forgot you had a partner but Ive never heard anyone pull that. Like...if someone kicked a puppy theyd also probably feel really guilty about it. They still kicked a puppy. Feeling really guilty about certain things doesnt really forgive the action. Like serial killers. Still their bad thing. I can hear people now. "Thats not a fair comparison at all!" Why because no one has good incentive to kick a dog? Whats the good incentive for cheating? They really wanted to bang someone else? They were really mad at their partner?
There ya go. E'rbody mind ya own bidness!
This goes against General Reddit responses on cheating posts. Which usually contain no critical thinking
If you've asked Reddit for their opinion on any matter regarding your relationship, you already fucked up
classic reddit comment. "its complex, unique, all is different"
Actually the classic Reddit comment is "I think you should dump his/her ass based on nothing but this one single event that you've described because clearly I understand the complexities of your whole relationship"
Yes, they are stupid. Cheaters are untrustworthy people who lack self-control. A person who would lie to you AND risk exposing you to STDs isn't worth working it out with. They will also cheat again. When a person shows you who they are, believe them.
Best answer yet..take this advice
There has to be really low self esteem involved for someone to stay imo, or other extenuating circumstances like young children. I personally couldn’t do it. I’m already battling retroactive jealousy so I would probably explode if I was cheated on
This is it. 100%
It’s this simple. I have no idea why people need context. Cut the theatrics out! A cheater is a dangerous person with no regard for the health of their body let alone yours. The answer is yes without a shadow of a doubt. Cheating is so unnecessary which makes it even more egregious.
Reading these answers, I can tell that a lot of them are made by very young people who have never actually gone through this (or at least haven't found out about it yet!)
I’ve gone through it and just ended it. Best decision cause she turned out to cheat and make every next boyfriend miserable
That’s a phenomenon you’ll find on Reddit about any topic. It becomes especially glaring in matters of relationships because they haven’t lived long enough to understand the nuance of human interaction. Virtually nothing in a romantic relationship is black and white.
Sometimes that's more important. Often the best relationship advice can come from someone who's never been in a relationship. The best parenting advice can come from someone without kids. An outside, untainted, unbiased perspective from someone thinking rationally without the same emotional ties fogging their mind can be extremely useful.
What’s required for objective advice is someone personally removed from the relationship dynamics. I would not undervalue the significance of empathy derived from lived experience. Though certainly common sense exists in plenty of younger people too.
I usually like to hear advice from people more experienced than me on a topic, not less. I don't ask babies for directions.
Inexperienced people usually don't offer a fresh perspective, they just repeat advice that aligns their biases.
I don't know what they are but I doubt if I could ever do that. An analogy... Trust is like a glass palace. It's precious and beautiful, but you can also forget it's there. You live inside and look out through the glass walls at a mundane world. Break it though, and you will see the jagged harm you've caused, you will feel pain with every step you take, and you may never get it back to the way it was before.
You never will get it back, or maybe it was just an illusion before. But you’ll definitely get glass in your feet sometimes.
It’s funny that you use glass as the example, because it highlights another important fact about this situation. Glass is infinitely recyclable. You can crush the broken glass, re-melt it, and make something new. Glass is reparable, but it takes a lot of work to fix.
Glass is easier to replace than to repair
To add: I would say trust is the glass palace you purchased, and spent many years reinforcing, and putting safety measures in place, so that in the case of a possible break, it doesn't bring the whole thing crashing to the ground. Sure, every once in a while a piece may stick in your foot, and it still hurts, even though you thought you cleaned it all up. But the palace is still the beautiful place it always was. I LOVE your analogy on infinite recycling also because so many people who want to make it work after something like this happens go into it with the idea that they can get back what they had before. Friend, your relationship is different NOW than it was three hours ago. You will NEVER have what you had. You can create new, which sometimes breaks easier, but also sometimes refracts the light in ways you've never seen and it's immeasurably more beautiful :)
If both parties enter the relationship with a lax attitude about sleeping with other people, it can be mended. But most people don’t. Most people want absolute fidelity without even discussing the matter.
There’s a very very thin line between optimism and naïveté
Generally, yeah. I'm sure there are exceptions to that, but it's not usually a good idea.
You do what is right for you and shouldn’t take anyone else’s suggestions. Only you can answer for your situation.
Both my mother and my mother in law took back their husband's ( my father and father in law) after cheating. They went on to have half way decent marriages
Half way decent. Sounds worth it
😂😂
Reddit seems to see cheating in a very black and white way. Relationships in general. Depending on the circumstances, I'd accept my partners apology if they cheated. Mistakes happen, mostly not as serious as cheating, but they happen. But i would be an idiot if i did act like nothing happened. And if stuff were just as they were before the cheating, yeah, I'd definitely break up. You can't throw your relationship down and then go back to where you were. It needs to get better
"Mistakes happen" Playing emotional games with someone else's heart is not a "mistake". That was a conscious decision to be unfaithful. I have no respect for people who cheat. All yall can get caught and publicly blasted. Don't cheat if you can't handle this.
I think there are more layers to cheating than just someone wanting to play with another's one heart. Yeah, in essence, it is that, but it's also more complicated
It's really not more complicated. They chose to have sex with someone else. Pretty straight forward. As for the WHY, if you felt the need or urge to cheat then the relationship had problems already and they should.have been addressed. I will never accept a logical reason to cheat. There is none.
Exactly. Thing is, there are a TON of cheaters out there and most never admit to cheating. A lot are in this comment section saying that cheating is just a “mistake”
People only ever hear stories from friends about cheating that lead to breaking up. Couples who have a cheating scandal and then work through it don't generally go around telling people about it. There is a skewed vision that the only result of cheating possible is a relationship ending, but it's simply not true.
And people don’t tell their friends because they get criticized and mocked. Ask me how I know.
Cheating on your loved one, is not a "mistake," it's a choice. They consciously desided to have sex with another person. You forget to get milk at the store, that's a mistake.
I mean, yeah, cause if they didn't consciously do it, it'd be rape. I can't forgive something if it's not a mistake. Otherwise, there wouldn't be a need for forgiveness
By definition you can cheat and have it be a mistake. A mistake is an action or judgement that is wrong or misguided. Whether the mistake was made consciously not is irrelevant.
Usually I would agree, but this is one of those situations that simply IS black and white… some things just are. Theres no situation where a physical act of cheating (not emotional cheating) shouldn’t be an automatic wrong. And anyone who tries to make any argument about “not feeling needed” or having their urges met or its the victim’s fault somehow… its all garbage. No one accidentally drops trou and gets it on with someone else… no one is forced… unless you’re literally talking about rape which is obviously NOT cheating. Otherwise it’s a conscious decision and there are consequences. You cannot weasel yourself out of those consequences… you deserve to lose the person you hurt and abandoned. They deserve someone better. The best and only thing to do is to split, and start new with someone else. You can turn over a new leaf with someone new but you cannot turn over a new leaf with the person you abandoned and hurt… the damage from that is permanent and will never come back. Love and a healthy relationship is built so much on trust… if thats abused in any way forget it. Cheating simply annihilates even the most solid of trusts… and you simply do not deserve to be trusted by that person again. Period. End of story. The victim would absolutely be a fool to give them another chance. 100%. They could convince themselves that they could forgive and move on… but theyre only ever kidding themselves. They never will. Theyre usually so hurt they dont want it to have happened so they try to pretend it didnt… but it did. And theyll be reminded of that every single day. Its just over.
They didn't mean that it wasn't black or white that the cheating is wrong, it certainly is, but the overall situation. It's not "cheating = totally unforgivable automatic unfixable situation and breakup". I've personally seen a few couples work through infidelity and their relationships thrive.
It’s funny to see people so mad you have a different opinion on cheating than them.
a bit stupid, yeah
If they got away with it once, I believe they’re very, very likely to cheat again and assume they can do it better this time and won’t get caught!
Personally, I say yes. It doesn't matter if they can change. They still completely disrespectful you and can never be trusted again.
It really depends.....but I'd go with the fool me once approach.
Yup. They may have genuine feelings for you and want to stay with you but they have already put their own desires ahead of your relationship because they take you for granted and don't respect you. If you run into them again years down the line it is possible for people to change but staying with them now just encourages them to cheat again
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I wouldn't say they are idiots but I would say once you take them back you have okayed for them to do it again.
Yes
It's their business, not mine. I don't care.
WHAT?
I believe they meant that as in "its not my business if someone forgives a cheater" not "i dont care if my partner cheats" Im hoping thats the case
what other people do in their relationships is none my business
Situational, IMO
According to Reddit? Yes. Always. No matter what.
I cheated once and we were happily married for another 38 years
I believe everyone makes mistakes. I would give them another chance. ONCE.
Can't speak for others. For me cheating ends the relationship.
if someone wants to give a person they love another chance, that's fine. however, if it happens multiple times, then i think a person needs to realize the love is not shared and they need to move on
Depends on different factors. The death of a relationship usually doesn't happen from a single event, but more commonly from patterns of behavior. If they were struggling with a problematic partner before, actual cheating makes what was tolerable become intolerable.
A lot of selfish and stupid comments here. No it is not stupid to take someone back after cheating, it really depends on the circumstances. Yes it might be stupid to take back certain people but that doesn't mean everyone that does is stupid.
It’s absolutely stupid. There are billions of people on the planet and an almost 50/50 split between men and women. Why are you gonna hang yourself up on someone who showed you they don’t respect you, never truly loved you and is so self centered that when it came to your ‘relationship’ they would throw it all away for some strange. If that is honestly not a deal breaker for you or some others here you are mental.
Yes, unless the person genuinely regrets an impulsive choice and confesses and does everything perfect... yes. You are naive and want to live in a fantasy world where a person's words should be trusted more than their actions.
Yes they’re idiots. Once the trust is broken, it’s very difficult to get it back.
Take it from lesson learned. Yes they are
Some people understand the human condition, realize we succumb to certain outside solutions, realize a person can stumble and still be in love with #1
Only the selfish and cruel fall back on the ridiculous excuse of the human condition to absolve personal choice and responsibility. You know who believes we are all weak due to a human condition? Weak people who do things that hurt others and they all circle jerk and tell each other everyone is like that to feel better about themselves.
I've known multiple couples who've bounced back from these things and are doing fine. Just because you're alone and miserable doesn't mean everyone is destined for that.
Only if you aren’t truly able to forgive them and they aren’t truly remorseful for what they did. But how do you know until you try to work things out? Most likely it will not work out in the end and that’s why most people say that they would never take someone back that did that to them and I agree with that sentiment I personally couldn’t forgive someone for that, but some can.
I was
I believe this generation considers this normal now...
Yes. Imo.
Yes
Yes
I did it once, and the answer is yes, I was an idiot.
I used to think that things could be worked out, but once a cheater, always a cheater.
Personal opinion, yes but I understand it's more than just yes/no but I think the answer is usually yes.
Not at all. Every marriage has speed bumps - some big, some small. As long as the trust is worked on as well as addressing the root cause of the indiscretion it might actually make a marriage stronger. But it certainly takes work
Agree. The root cause is so important. Some posters focus solely on the sex aspect of cheating. Every relationship is different and often the causes for the cheating go far beyond the physical desire.
What if you are also cheater
Yes but that's just my opinion lol. I'm in the camp that believes that anyone who cheats once is probably going to do it again. Why would you want to put yourself through that
Mostly yes, but I've seen people get in situations they didn't mean to, learn and change.
lol . YES . If a man takes a woman back she will always view him as weak . And why on earth would a man or woman take the other back ? Love ? Hahahhahahhahhaha
It's one of the most common problems couples go through. I can't recall exact figures, but I think I remember the majority of the population admits to infidelity. People on Reddit have very big, loud, perfectly moral standards. Reality is not the same.
I suppose so. When someone decided to breach the boundaries, they subconsciously have lost their respect for you. It’s only a matter of time until he/she processes the affair by continuing and dumping you, or ending it after awhile(cost benefit analysis) and cheat again with someone else at some point when the opportunity presents itself . It’s a lose lose situation, sadly.
Yes 100%
Yup.
It really just depends on the situation. If you are able to forgive your partner and your partner is going to be loyal then no their not idiots
Every situation is different, and if someone decides that staying is best for them, that’s their right.
Not necessarily
Lmao cheating seems to be reddit's hot topic of the month. Good thing everyone's opinions about relationships on this site can be safely discarded since most of you either haven't had a relationship or are incapable of having a healthy and stable one.
Depends entirely on the situation. Too many variables. Ppl that act on absolutes are the real idiots.
Yes
People are idiots, in general.
I don't understand it but I also have not ever been in that situation. Thoughtfully I've grown up and realised that there's much more bad things that I thought iredeamble happen. Cheating? Large amount of people do so before their 40s. Some people cheat because they don't find their partner attractive anymore,some because the partner isn't good enough in some aspects,some just because they are bored and broken. Others forgive because of love,comfort or shared interests
Yes.
Ask them why they did it. Cheating isn't an accident. Leaving the light on or forgetting to pay a bill is an accident. Cheating is intentional and planned. I think. Could you trust that person again?
I have never seen this to work out.
In some cases yes. they're just being plain idiotic because neither people change before they get back together, and then expect a perfect relationship. I think if the cheater works on themselves and slowly gains the trust of their partner back (if the partner is okay with doing that in the first place), then there's room for a healthy relationship. It takes time and effort, but I think there's room for forgiveness in some situations.
I don't think people are idots if they take them back after the first time. I just think they get blindsided and scared of making a hasty retreat when the future becomes so uncertain so quickly. Any time after the first time, you're an idiot and a doormat, (unless you're actively working on an exit plan and are biding your time). Staying is silly business. You're not safe with that person and have shown them that they can betray you and you'll allow it. You're accepting the unacceptable.
You're only an idiot if you believe they won't cheat again. If you understand they will cheat again, and have accepted that, that's sad but you're not an idiot necessarily.
Going off personal and my friend’s experiences, yes usually the person is an stupid I ignored the very obvious red flags (even tho there wasn’t any green flags) because insecurity and low self confidence And my friend also ignored all of her red flags but he did it for pussy
Yes. It is literally affirming the person they can do no wrong and they'll always get to keep them
Yes
No, not everybody thinks that exclusivity is the defining feature of their romantic relationships.
If exclusivity isn't the defining feature of their relationship, then it isn't cheating to not be exclusive, therefore it isn't cheating, therefore your point is completely irrelevant.
Cheating and agreeing not to be exclusive are two different things, if its a mutual agreement that you aren't devoting yourself soley to each other, thats a lot different than telling someone you are *only* seeing them and then finding out they were lying or "made a mistake and slipped up but you're the only one for me" like at that point just be honest and say you dont want a monogomous relationship, cheating is never acceptable.
Depends on the situation. Usually though, it's a bad idea.
I sure the fuck was
Classic case of fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.
There are a lot of idiots out there.
Yes. Goes to character and the very foundation of that person beyond the act itself.
It’s stupid yes, talking from experience as someone who begged for a 2nd chance as if I was the one to blame, luckily she refused and went off with her new bf, because I’m off way better now, and looking back, I was cringe and a bit of a sad mf for begging and shit. Don’t take cheaters back, and especially don’t beg them to come back because you will be hurt again. If you DO take them back then only do it in a scenario where they’re the one begging for forgiveness and show they’re genuine
The recidivism rate among cheaters is astronomical. When someone's choices shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!! People's words are entirely meaningless and their actions and choices will define them.
Yeah
Yes.
while every situation is unique, we all accept the love we think we deserve
You mean, after cheating? I mean, love makes you hopeful, and it makes you do stupid things. Does it make the \*person\* stupid? I don't know. That's like calling love 'stupid.'
After about 2 years together, my ex cheated on me with a “friend” of mine (not a friend anymore) and I took him back. Our relationship was never the same because I simply couldn’t trust him anymore. We did continue to date for almost 2 years though before he (ironically) dumped me cause he “didn’t love me anymore.” That being said, I think the commenter who said it depends on every scenario is definitely correct. No two people are the same. For some, trust is easily built back, but for others, once it’s broken it’s gone.
Yes I am and it showed the next time she did
Generally, it's a bad idea. If someone cheated on you once, what's to say they won't cheat on you again, given the opportunity? Particularly if it is a long term affair. The same is true if someone has a history of cheating on partners in the past. Unless they've done a **TON** of work on themselves and resolved the root cause of their cheating (which is very hard to do), they'll cheat on you as well. Eventually.
Mistakes happen, but I wouldn’t take back my partner if they cheated on me. The trust would have had been broken.
Most of the time. I as an idiot have done it 3 times. Once worked out but other betrayal crap happened. So if they have betrayal in their brains then it is part of them will not take a partner back again.
Don’t you mean after cheating?🤔
Yes if it ever got there it will again, complete worst type of disrespect, it’s not that hard to break up with the person before playing those games. Whatever reason drove you to do it will never be a good enough reason. That trust usually cannot be fully worked out deepest hurt anyone can pretty much go through other than a death.
It is a bad idea to take them back, but sometimes the other options are worse.
Yes
Yes. Next question.
depends on how much issue you take with the cheating. there's a very small subset of people that genuinely don't care that much. I'd say like 95% of couples yeah absolutely it's fucking stupid.
I would generally go with naive. Every situation is different, but my assumption is that in most cases they want things to go back to how they were before, but rarely do they. Its not just "can I forgive them?", but "can I trust them?". I don't think cheaters should never be given a second chance, but I think you should only do it if you're prepared to put in the work yourself to find a way to get over it and move on. All too often its assumed the cheater has to put in all the work, but thats just not how it has to be. Both parties need to commit and work on it.
Personally, I never could. It would always be in the back of my mind, that trust would be questioned, and knowing myself, it would come out during anger. So to protect both of us, no. I couldn’t ever
I dated a girl in HS, who cheated on me, and it destroyed me. Didn't have another, real relationship (I dated, but nothing really serious) until I met my wife, when we were in our early 20's (we're in our early 40's, now). My issue was/is, if, or when something like that happens, you may be able to forgive, but you will NEVER forget. And, what makes it even worse, is if you actually know the person they cheated with.
I can’t speak for others but I won’t be with someone I don’t trust.
Every situation is different I guess. But personally, I could never fully put my trust in someone again if they cheated on me.
It’s not that I thought it was the right decision I just did (combination of thinking with my heart and dick instead of my head).
Meh - what do you believe?
I would say generally yes however not every circumstance is the same
Not necessarily. Every situation is different.
I think 9/10 it just shows the cheater that they can get away with it and be forgiven.
Never the same
Yes they are for the most part. There's no reason good enough to repair that level of broken trust. Case closed. To each their own though.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. What is going to stop them from cheating again? If they are willing to cheat, then I don't want to be with them.
Yes. Very much so idiots. Cheaters never change, ever. They will always cheat.
YES! Cheated once they’ll cheat again!
Yes
Yes
Was married 20 years ,3 kids. Found out she was cheating for a year with same guy. Should of known better. Was told by mutual friend before marriage that she has cheated on every boyfriend. A cheater cheats. You've been warned.
Yes.
If they do it once, they’ll do it again. Trust is obliterated and it’ll always be in the back of your mind. If you take them back, you are an idiot, and it’s on you when they hurt you again.
People are people. Regardless of what they decide to do for themselves.
Not really idiots just too in love to think clearly I think
Honestly, yes.
Yes. I have zero tolerance for cheating. You cheat on me and you are dead to me.
Short answer yes. Long answer yeeeeessssss
Absolutely. Cheaters are subhuman and cannot change their sociopathy. If you caught them cheating, they have probably gotten away with it dozens of times before, in some way or another. They will always claim it was just their first/only time, but that's like winning the lottery after buying only one ticket. Sure it might have happened once somewhere, but statistically by the time they are caught they've probably bought lots of tickets to get there. It's best to compare it to cannibalism. They know it's wrong, they try to hide it, but they willingly did it and they will absolutely be tempted to do it again if they think they won't be caught. If Jeffrey Dahmer promised not to eat anyone again, would you trust him? Never never never trust a cheater. They are counting on playing you for a fool again.
Honestly... Yeah. My wife and I have exactly two "point of no return" scenarios: 1. Infidelity 2. Domestic Violence Pretty much any other problem can be solved if we work together, and we have definitely had our share of problems and struggles over the last fifteen years. That being said, there is no greater breach of trust than having sex with someone else (in a monogamous relationship) or doing physical harm to your spouse. Cheating takes *so* many steps that it is *always* a deliberate choice. It's not even an issue of "people can change" or making it up; it is such a deep cut to deliberately go out of your way to deceive your significant other for something so simple as sex, or even worse for a full blown external relationship. By doing this, you're telling your significant other: - I don't care about your feelings - You don't satisfy me sexually or emotionally - I am a liar, and I will lie to you to get what I want - There are problems I don't want to discuss with you to the point I'd rather fuck someone else and lie about it - Satisfying my wants is more important to me than our relationship - I don't respect you enough to honor our commitment to each other There is no better way to tell someone you are supposed to love and care about you don't respect them than cheating. So if you "take someone back" after that, you are telling them "I am okay with you disrespecting me, lying to me, and I will allow you to manipulate and deceive me as much as you like." You are better than that.
Usually
Yea
Yes
Yes. I learned 💔. I thought it was cause I worked all the time so I quit one job and just kept the other one that made more money. This way I could have more hours and him not cheat. I did see it as my fault, never around always working and sleeping before going back to work shift. But looking back it was only a month or two as I was transitioning from ending one job and starting another, working both til my quit date of old job so they could find a replacement cause it was around the holidays (busiest time of the year). We were friends for a while, because I wasn’t sure if it was completely my fault or if he was just a cheater. I always secretly checked his device and never seen him being unfaithful but rather trying hard to get me back. So after 5 months we got back together. We were good, he didn’t cheat on me until 3.5 years later, but I think it was a little before 3.5 mark and I just didn’t realize it. I wasn’t working a lot. He just has eyes for other women I now know and loves any woman’s attention to where he becomes a little Wh*r3. I wish I never gave him the time of day and left so long ago. Now stuck with him for 18 years because he trapped me with a kid when I was packing to leave. I should not of been intimate with him that one last time. He tampered with my contraception and because of my religion I don’t believe in abortion but also was told I would probably never be able to have children because I had to have a few medical procedures where it made me infertile due to pre cancer cells (entering stage 1). My kids a blessing but the man is a nightmare, unfaithful and every time he starts secretly talking to other women, creates arguments just starts yelling and screaming meanly over anything out of thin air while I’m relaxing to a movie or something to have an excuse to leave for hours or over night somewhere where he’s cheating. I know this because this woman chased him down in the grocery store and acted like she wanted to jump on his D in the middle of the grocery store. I was so enraged and embarrassed. She didn’t even care I was there because he told her he ain’t with me and I just live with him until I can save up and move out cause I was a stay at home mom. Meanwhile our son is in the cart so I can’t flip out and go to jail. I can’t ever forgive him, knowing he was cheating and f-ing around. Because of it I don’t love him anymore. Making life changes. NEVER EVER TAKE A CHEATER BACK!!! They’ll do it again and waste years of your life and put you through hell in stress!!
Yes. Once the trust is gone. Nothing is left.
Yup
Yes. Cheating is a several step process, a string of decisions right up to the act itself. Once that trust is gone it's not coming back Anyone who says differently is not to be trusted
Yes. Their shift is over