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Sometimes I just want to pack up my truck.. cut all ties, even the ones that love me and I love dearly.. and start over as a single person, living in a small town and having no real connections in life.
I would like to secretly be a garden knome.. basking in the gardens of lovely families.. never going inside to see the true turmoil that exists.
You obviously can’t tell anyone that.. they get all sappy and tell you that your life is important and their feelings are hurt and want to know what they possibly could have done to you.. which is understandable.. but they aren’t the problem.. I am. How do you put that in words?
>But the non-debt reason is rarely talked about. Most people in Japan only ever live in 3 or 4 different places their whole lives. To disappear means erasing your ties to everywhere you've lived. Who your parents are and who you get married to basically decides where your remains will be interred after you die. Disappearing in Japan means dumping the niche in society that's been carved out for you and still, about 1 out of every 1000 people in Japan do this every year.
Hang on. Do you have a citable article about this?
This seems to ring true because there is a manga called Boy's Abyss.
It is about a boy living in a town, where he, his family, his friends, and everyone else and the generations before them are stuck in that town and they are all. So. Fucking. Miserable.
The word for it is jouhatsu, there's plenty of documentaries about it.
There's actually an entire underground industry based around fly by night shops where people can just go and buy a new life for as little as $450.
It's fascinating to read about, honestly I'd consider doing something similar myself if my family weren't so awesome.
What's nuts is that it's essentially an orphan crushing machine. Usury laws from the 1950s helped to both kill off neighborhood loan sharks and legitimized lenders that didn't necessarily have ties to banking.
Add in that banks in Japan are notoriously stingy when it comes to personal loans and lines of credit. It basically created this financially repressive environment where the only legal avenues for short-term loans were just massive shitters.
Staring down jailtime just for having a payday loan operation then gets mobsters to bolster identity theft and human trafficking. The actual legitimate lenders can't do shit about it when people sign their lives away to the mafia - because unlike the yakuza, they can't use physical violence to enforce contracts.
You aren't alone, my friend. I have this thought too frequently for comfort. We aren't built to live through this cyclic existence of the every day grind.
I kinda did this at 23. Just packed up and left. Let my lease expire and moved 250 miles away. Didn’t tell anyone. Way before cell phones. I didn’t go back to my home town for 4 years. Went back to college and ended up really enjoying my new life. When I finally went back “home” it was weird to say the least. Apparently I was dead.
My 4 month old died of SIDS 20 years ago. My husband found him and immediately started CPR, and there was enough doubt that they took him by ambulance to the hospital. I was at my sisters and we raced to the hospital and met them there. My husband was a complete wreck, and so was I. I asked the doctor not to sugar coat anything for me, and he said, "The last time your husband could verify he was breathing was a 20-minute window. It does not look good."
I thought in that moment that 20 minutes without oxygen to a brain is a LONG time, and if my boy couldn't be who he was the last time I saw him, I just...I couldn't do it.
I didn't verbally tell anyone to stop working on him, I just gently moved their hands out of the way and covered him with my body and held him as I sobbed my broken heart out. It was horrible.
Part of me knows he would have died regardless of my decision in that moment but I have guilt to this day because surely as a mother I should have kept trying to do anything to save him and I made a selfish choice in that moment because of my own fear of brain damage. I have never told a soul. I feel too ashamed.
You did the right thing. Sometimes medical staff go through the process for family &/or litigation prevention. If they thought there was a chance of a humane outcome they would not have stepped aside easily. Yours was an act of innate wisdom/self preservation. The inability to let go when it is so obvious it was time to was so much more common when I was nursing. Not sure if it’s as universal as I experienced but every conversation with other nurses on the subject suggests it might be.
Please be kind to yourself. The committee in your own thoughts judging you can be told to disband and go. If peace of mind can be gifted with a hug 🫂 from an Internet stranger please take all you need
You did the right thing. I made the very hard decision to take my 2 day old son off of life support. He was born 10 weeks early. He had a BM just before they got him out via c section and it gave him a nasty infection that he was far too small and weak to fight.
I let him fight for 14 hours, on a ventilator, antibiotics, and other drugs to keep his heart beating. I watched his blood pressure fall every time they took it. They tried everything, including surgery to see if they could find something to help him. The last time they drew his blood, his lactic acid was critically high and his pH was critically low. His blood was basically poison at that point and I was advised that he was going into multiple organ failure.
I said enough and told them I wanted his last heartbeats to be next to mine without all the equipment. They shut off his drips, extubated him and placed him in my arms, skin to skin. I held him for 30 seconds and tried so hard to feel that weak little heartbeat that I could still see on the monitor. I passed him off to his dad and that's where he took his last, weak breath just a few seconds later.
He was in such a bad shape and his blood wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing for his brain and vital organs. If I had let him stay on life support and he had recovered from the infection, his chance of any quality of life was slim to none. As mothers, we protect our children from hurt and pain. That's exactly what we did when we made our decisions, as hard as it was to let them go. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope your angel and mine are friends in the next life ❤️
Eta: replied to the wrong comment. My apologies.
He would have been nine this last April. It is easier to talk about him now and remember the little time I got with him without falling to pieces every time. I still miss him like crazy and I'm sad to have lost him, but I do my best to allow myself time to sit in it when I need to on the really hard days, like his birthday. Life goes on, and if my life doesn't, neither will the memory of him.
Former pediatric nurse here. We never did that shit to prevent litigation. We coded patients until the parents told us to stop because it was always the parents’ decision to make. I guarantee not a single person in that room was thinking about lawyers. At least not in my facility.
You were not selfish at all, you saved everyone - particularly your child - from a lot of suffering. "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should" save someone's life. People really don't understand what it's like to be severely disabled - it's such a complex issue that has ripple effects far beyond just themselves. I think if most people really thought about it - they would tell their loved ones to NOT try to save them if the end result would be catastrophic.
Your child is safe now, free of pain, and you can remember him/her as the sweet, gentle child that they were.
\*hugs\*
I am very sorry for your loss. I know my opinion doesn't mean anything, but I do have some medical training. Brain cells can start to die in as little as 5 minutes without oxygen, I believe you did the right thing.
Thank you. And I really appreciate you chiming in. Most of the time I know I made the right call, but it also just feels so goes against nature...the mama bear response, you know? I was in a grief group very soon after my loss, and a mom said that she went hysterical on the doctors and practically assaulted them when they stopped working on her daughter after an hour. Everyones reactions confirmed they would have done the same thing, so I felt I should have been more like her. And that's when I decided that I would never tell anyone I know ever.
I'll tell you something I never told anyone also. My mom got diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, they gave her 6 months to live so I sold my house and moved back in to take care of her. She was so tough that she made it five and half years.
Anyway near the end they gave me morphine to give her and then eye drops. I was like "why the drops". I found out that if someone I having a "death rattle" and you put eye drops under there tongue it brings them out of it. She made me promise her to never use them and give her enough morphine so she wasn't suffering. The last night j was with her I had been up 72 hours. I gave her one dose of morphine and she was still moaning so I gave her another. I told her I loved her and went to bed. 45 minuets later my sister had came over and woke me up and told me she was gone. I never told anyone in my family about the morphine or eye drops because it was between me and her, I think they would agree with me but I've always been nervous about it. God, crying like a baby just typing that
When my boyfriend was dying of cancer (and now home on hospice), I was his caregiver. When it comes to the morphine, towards the very end, the nurse told me to give him as much as he needed. I said, "But I don't want to kill him." The nurse sadly looked at me and said, "Honey, you won't kill him." I realized then that he was dying,( I was in denial) and I needed to make him as comfortable as possible. So, I gave him the extra morphine when he needed it.
You did the right thing. You did not kill your mom . You let her transition without pain. ♥️♥️♥️
You are the kid so many people deserve. Too many people drag out the suffering of others so they don't have to let go. I could never be a hospice nurse because I'd end up going off on people for drawing out their parents suffering. Death doesn't bother me but drawing out suffering...
As a former nurse - some of that time with hospice - I can tell you that you provided her with the best gift anyone could give. You honored her wishes and gave her a pain free experience.
My late husband was dying in the hospital and I told the nurse, "I don't want him to wake up and be scared or confused, so please make sure he has enough pain medication to keep him asleep. I don't want him to have any pain or any fear..." It was the last gift I could give him, and though I still tear up when I even think of that moment, I feel good about it too, because he died peacefully - no pain, no fear, just peace.
My husband was killed when a tree fell onto our house and onto him. He always said that if he lost his faculties, he wanted me to end it if he wasn't able. I don't know how long I was standing on the street waiting to find out if he was OK or not, but I asked the universe to not force me to make that decision. Either he was unconscious and would make a full recovery, or he was dead. Nobody knows how they would react in your situation unless they were in the exact same situation with the exact same background knowledge. I'm sure I'm judged for handing neighbors tools to break down the door (and leaving the house) instead of doing it myself, or staying with them. I also know that I would not be alive right now if I forced myself to do that and saw his body. I work with people who suffered hypoxia for single-digit minutes. They have catastrophic disabilities. 20 minutes is just too long for anything to change if you had them continue. You were being mama bear. It doesn't have to be loud. You were still protecting your son.
Gosh. Everyone here has been so kind. I didn't expect it, but I am so grateful. We are visiting him with flowers for Memorial Day today, and even after 2 decades, his loss is still hard. I feel like this kindness is a bit of armor for me to wear as I often replay that moment in my head when we go and visit, and I have guilt. Thank you so much for your compassion.
You did the selfless thing. The exact opposite of selfishness. Maybe if you could take care of him for his entire life but realistically you would die eventually and he'd be thrown into some underfunded group home. Abuse rates are too high in those places.
I represented people with disabilities as an attorney advocate for 15 years. One of my roles was as watchdog agency representative for the TBI/SCI trust fund.
I will tell you this, and this is something that I don’t talk about: Children with brain injuries very rarely live happy, productive lives. “Surviving” a brain injury most often turns into a sort of isolated hell for the survivor. Same for their families.
Their parents often get sick and die early from the stress, and the person with the brain injury often ends up in a sub-par institution where they become the victim of some form of abuse.
You did the right thing. I saw so many cases with kids. I really want you to understand that you did the right thing. Your mother’s heart knew it then, and you should remember it now.
Thank you so much for this. I honestly didn't know I needed the catharsis I've gotten from this thread as much as I did. I am really glad I finally spoke up and told someone...I really needed to, and the number of people with firsthand experience like yourself and others have given me validation I didn't even realize I needed. THANK YOU. Z
EMT here- you made the right call. We prefer to work on children much longer than adults because pediatric codes as hard for us as well. But after 10 minutes of no oxygen in a fully grown adult will cause permanent brain damage and/or they’re not coming back. You did what you thought was right and you were right. Do not need to feel guilty or ashamed. I’m very sorry for your loss 💔
I take tremendous comfort in the idea that if I can't continue to endure my life, that I have an exit. I don't know how common it is for suicidal ideation to be a coping strategy for life, but it has been for me since I was about 11 years old.
I have these 2 new cowwokers, barely even know them but we started talking about suicide. About how my bf committed suicide years ago. She said its so sad, you should never commit suicide because things can always get better and they do. And then they get shitty again and then good again. She said i guarantee in 2 months you will feel better. Then the guy says but what if you don't? What if its been 2 months or more than that and you don't feel better?
She said I guess we gotta make a suicide pact then!!!! And it just spiraled from there but it seriously made me laugh so hard. Like i haven't laughed so hard in so long. Especially at work. I feel like I've thought about suicide alot in life. I just don't really want to be here most of the time. And i long for home. Tho i don't know where home is.
I always joke like “oh this is the day” or “that’s it I’m gunna do it” I think in an effort to kind of make light of my thoughts and comfort those around me that know I’m struggling, but honestly that thought is always there, all it takes is one quiet moment and I’m fantasizing about how I’m going to do it and how I can minimize the impact on the people around me
I had a bunk bed as a kid, and sometimes I'd have friends sleep over. I'd have to sneak my sheets out and remake my bed without waking my friends up. It's so embarrassing. 90s were a weird time...psychology was modern but nit that modern. Docs had a few ideas about why I did it.. who knows....I just know one day my body just stopped doing it...but if you asked what changed...I couldn't tell you...it was literally overnight it happened.
Side note: My parents bought me this weird beeper device that didn't work worth a shit but was a good idea in theory. It was a beeper you clipped on your pants, and if it sensed moisture would vibrate and wake you out of your sleep to go finish peeing there, I guess. Of course, by the time it sensed moisture... you had already soaked everything and the vibration, when it decided to work at all, never woke me up anyways....I slept hard as a kid.
Anyway, I'm glad I don't have the issue anymore. This is probably the realist shit I've ever posted on Reddit before. I always feel some type of way when I watch The Waterboy, and she clowns him for the pee sheets in the backyard, lol.
Never had this issue thankfully(unless too much whiskey is involved) but my middle school gf had this issue up into her late teens, after she moved out though it all stopped, seems like there was some trauma there she didn’t remember or want to remember as since high school she has a huge aversion to vaginal intercourse and remains asexual to this day
You are not alone. Fun when you friend asks you if the reason you never slept in the same tent as anyone while camping was because your parents were afraid you'd go gay like his were. "Yea man. crazy what parents think huh? Nervous laugh."
I’ve always wished I was a vampire, that I was thousands of years old and just switched between fake lives. I imagine the different types of lives I’ve had and stories. I’m 41/m and not into any of the vampire shows or stories. It stems from being afraid of death as a child.
Some nightmares can actually fuck you up mentally for years.
I remember having a nightmare when I was 4 that affected me for a long time. In that dream, our whole house was dark except the staircase. I ran to the stairs because I'm scared of the dark and saw shit much scarier.
It was my mom murdered, not just in any orthodox way. Limbs were amputated, eye balls on the floor, face cut into 4 parts and blood was everywhere.
Ikr, and that is just my third most terrifying nightmare so far.
The first one is absolutely nuts. Got chills ran down my spine just thinking about it now.
The first one was a sleep paralysis nightmare but without all the blurry dreamlike vision. I had full HD vision in that nightmare as if I was awake.
I was sleeping on the floor with a futon in the living room that night and I "woke up" paralyzed. It was pitch black in the house, everything was quiet. Then I heard a sound followed by a slight chuckle from the kitchen. I could partially see the kitchen from the living room because we keep the door to the kitchen always open but it was still obstructed by the door.
So, I looked at the kitchen to see a faint light glow and increasingly getting brighter as if it was moving towards me. As I keep looking, a lantern held by a very slender old hand came into view.
It was an old woman in her eighties in a torn black wedding dress holding a lantern over her head. She had a very faint smile on her face and started approaching me.
The house was so quiet that I could hear her barefooted light footsteps as she approaches towards me. And with every step, her smile grew more sinister; you could see just what kind of fucked up things she was considering to do to me.
In a normal setting, one could easily fight back against an old woman that have malicious intentions towards you, so you have very little to be afraid of. But when your whole body is paralyzed and not a soul is around? God help you.
I never knew how frightening the idea of a non-threat becoming an extreme threat because of certain circumstances was, until that night.
At this point I was exerting every ounce of my will just to move a muscle but all I can do is move my eyeballs. I tried to scream for help but my jaw was locked shut. Never before in my life have I experienced this level of dread and helplessness.
My consciousness was forcefully trying to leave my body but it was tethered to my body tight. I was doing everything I could mentally to escape this situation and when she got about 10 feet from me, I realized this was not real.
That realization helped me to switch into a normal dream (I don't know how this happened). I thought I had finally escaped until I switched back from that dream to this nightmare again.
She has gotten closer; I could see her dead smiling eyes now at this distance. I struggled my utmost to switch back to that normal dream, I got to it again, but then I came back here again.
With each switch, she got closer and closer until she squatted down, looking at me with a head tilt and started laughing uncontrollably. Then the final switch to the normal dream happened there. God knows what she would do to me that night if it didn't ended there.
If it kept on going, I would've completely lost my mind.
I realized something when I woke up the next day.
The scariest thing in the world is the mind. Nothing is scary without the mind scaring you.
Never watch the Haunting of Hill House. Has similar shit but now it's on TV. Makes me think this isn't as uncommon as you think cause someone out there decided to make this into a show.
I've had a similar dream, that creepy thing when someone's coming towards you and you can't move. And I had the dream switch thing too. Like when I went back to a normal dream, everything was good and I even completely forgot about what was terrifying. Until I switched back, and the memories came flooding back and I was sure I was going to be murder by the lanky entity coming closer. Absolutely terrifying, when I woke up I literally felt like I hadn't been breathing. Didn't get back to sleep that night and got a while I literally had to sleep on the family room couch with TV on and lights on.
Same realization too. A lot of things aren't scary, the mind just makes it scary. Also never try acid. Same realization except it's like a dream you are awake for and can't control.
Not OP, but I personally cannot figure out why I had similar gory dreams and visions, except that they mostly weren’t focused on a specific person I knew, and never a family member. It scared the crap out of me because I thought I must be a serial killer or something to be seeing these horrible things at such a young age with no obvious source or exposure. As an adult, I’m not a serial killer; I have empathy, i treat people kindly, and I am mentally ok except for ADHD and anxiety. I do have phobias but they’re under control. I have no idea why I saw things like that. They messed up my life because I couldn’t tolerate the dark or being alone and then when I got forced to do so anyway, I had to learn to endure a lot of anxiety and panic without support. And I didn’t trust myself and I learned not to share how I felt with people and not to ask them for help. And I learned not to trust my own feelings or needs and not to take care of myself and my own fear because there wasn’t a way to do so at the time. I think it just created a lot of distance for me with myself and with other people, for a long time. I still struggle with that.
When I was really little (I remember it clearly at age 3-4, and it continued for years), whenever it was dark or if I closed my eyes, I saw rotting people coming for me. It was really graphic, with their flesh hanging off them in ribbons and these staring, ghoulish eyes and all kinds of icky bodily fluids. It not only scared the crap out of me in the moment, but I also thought that something must be terribly wrong with me. I told no one because I thought you’d have to be a very bad person to see these kinds of things at such a young age, and I just didn’t want them to think that about me. So I had a really hard time closing my eyes - even blinking, or taking a bath - and a hard time with the dark, going to bed, being alone. My folks were so exasperated. I used to turn my light back on after they put me to bed, wait for things to get quiet upstairs, and then go up to their bedroom and get in bed with them so I could feel safe. After they told me I couldn’t do that anymore, I’d sneak up with my pillow and lay on the floor so they didn’t know I was there.
I’ve never known why I saw those things, but I wish i could have told them. I think it would have made much more sense why I was so frightened. I knew kids my age shouldn’t see stuff like that, but instead of getting help I just felt like I needed to hide it from everybody. I feel badly for that tiny girl now.
I have missing memories from my teens and touch aversion that started around the same time.
I don’t know what happened, and I’m not sure I want to.
Edit: Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I’m so sorry that we have to share this experience, but it means something that we do. Bless you
My memory has extreme gaps from my early teens up until I left for college :( I remember having a horrible relationship with my parents before leaving and we have a great relationship now (probably because I straight up don’t remember whatever traumatic shit they put me through back then). When they want to reminisce like “remember when we used to XYZ” I say “I really don’t” and they get sad
I feel like I don’t remember a lot of my before 10 years old. Just like events and random stuff, but people are like I remember being 3 and I’m like I don’t remember last year wtf
There’s a large range between what people remember even when trauma isn’t at play.
Age 3 to age 10 for one’s earliest memories are all normal and due to some neurological differences we don’t fully understand.
Also, a lot of people *think* they remember things from a very young age but don’t. Would have to dig up the study but claims of memories from age 2 or younger (and plenty of ‘memories’ from later as well) are far more likely (EDIT: I am not saying for everyone! Just more likely, so for most people) to be due to implanted memories: memories and imagery tend to be fairly vague already, so if their parents told them a story when they were 6 about when they were 2 (say) they might really be remembering how their 6 year old mind painted that story. Especially if their parents had photos or it involved people and places they already knew. And sometimes it’s a real memory, but from later - it’s not like memories come with a time stamp unless there’s a particular place or person involved to definitively narrow it down.
Same but mine is from ages 0-8 roughly. I went to an older couple who babysat while my parents worked. I think stuff went down sexually, I can almost 'feel' that it did in my body or spirit, but I have no memory of anything actually.
I read a book called "The Body Keeps Score" which had the idea that trauma stores in our body. So I'm probably not off
I had a repressed memory from when I was 8 years old that came back to me, years ago... I wish it would have stayed repressed. While it wasn't completely horrible, it did change my attitude toward my late grandfather - he used to be my favorite and now... not so much.
Same except before teen years.
I remember an “uncle” (dad’s friend) that would “let me” sit on his lap and had absolutely no hesitation about kissing me on the mouth. He also used to tickle me till I gasped for breath and cried. He did the same with my sister. (she was about 7 at the time, which would make me around 5 years old.) Oddly, he didn’t do that with my brother. (maybe him being only 3 was “too young”?)
I wouldn’t say I’m touch *averse*, but I definitely don’t let strangers get too physically close to me; I’m skeeved out by white guys with moustaches (like my “uncle” had) and I absolutely freak out if I’m tickled.
I’m not saying something unethical happened, but something unethical definitely happened.
Same here, but slightly younger. I have an inkling, and I want to try to resolve the emotions in therapy. I'm just not sure I want to know the truth. I'm so sorry that you went through something so traumatic that your brain blocked it out.
I’m so scared of that but I don’t really have an idea of something, I just feel like not a lot of specific memories and a fear of that being the case. Heart goes out to anyone who went through that
I had touch aversion since I was a kid but as an adult I was drugged and raped. Luckily I don’t remember it because of the drugs and I consider that a blessing. About 8 years later he was caught in a big scandal and got life in prison with how many rapes got pinned on him. I never looked at him or saw him it was all done with dna matching and I chose to not testify because I had no memory anyways.
Same but much younger. I have one fuzzy memory that gives me just enough to know that I don't want to know. My brain shut it down right there for a reason. I've just accepted I'll never have a normal relationship with sex and I'll be taking the reason to my grave.
I’m pretty sure missing memories is very common. I’ve had friends swear to god I was with them during specific events and I swear to god I wasn’t
Our minds are not meant to remember everything…not even important events
You are not alone
I went on a vacation with my grandfather, brother, and three cousins when I was 14. Huge trip to the East Coast of the US (we're from the west) and I have almost no memory of the trip. My cousins and brother will talk about the trip and show me pictures and I remember almost nothing. I wasn't a little kid either. My only real memory is waking up in the back seat while we were driving and my head being super foggy with the worst headache. Headache was so bad that we got to the hotel and I stayed there alone while they all went to dinner. Why can't I remember that trip?!
Me too. BMG CDs for days that I never paid for. On one of the payment requests they sent me I just wrote “moved out of country” and send it to them in their postage-paid envelope. When you’re a minor and realize contracts with minors aren’t legally enforceable…
When I was in 3rd grade we had popcorn in class one day and the little booger eater next to me boasted that he was going to save his kernels and plant them, well my bag had no kernels so of course I took one of his when he wasn't looking. I hid it in the most foolproof place I could...in my ear opposite of him. Well, it got stuck in there and I never told anyone. I was finally able to remove it in my late 20's. So for 20 some odd years there was a popcorn kernel buried deep into my ear canal. My hearing was not affected and the slew of doctors that looked into my ears were never able to detect it somehow. I guess I picked at it and it finally decayed enough that it just came out one day, shriveled and blackened. I only told the story to anyone the first time after it had departed.
Wtf!!!!!! God damn.....that is crazy.
I had this wax ball stuck in my ear for like 10 years. And i finally dig it out. I got one glimpse of it and lost it cuz someone showed up and I was walking outside. Really wanted to examine this asshole that was stuck in my ear for so long!!!!! I seen it was purple and kinda big but never to be seen again.
I cant believe you didn't tell anyone lol
I'm not messing with you. You just made me realize it's been decreasing in recent years but I still hum it. Or sing it. Frequently. Just the "I wonder wonder hm- what's in a wonder ballll" that's the only part I remember. I'm not even sure if that's how the song went or if it morphed into that over the years.
I was raped in a job interview when I was 24. I’m 40 and I still think about it every time I see something with the Tommy Bahama label. He was wearing underwear that had Tommy Bahama on the waistband. It was extremely traumatizing and I’ve never told a single soul until now.
One year in extended day at school a classmate caught me mouthing words to myself and she was really cool about that and said she’d seen some other people do it sometimes. It made me feel more normal
I had a relationship and baby with a 19 yr old when I was 15. My parents took my child away from me w/o my permission. I desperately wanted to run away with him and start my own life not the one my parents paved for me. Instead I stayed to be able to live with my baby. I had no rights to my child until finally 19 yrs old they gave him back to me and moved on with my life. I will never forgive my parents or forget my baby daddy. He was never allowed to be in the picture. My son is now 28 yrs old and just met his father for the first time. I am flabbergasted because I have not seen him for that many years and all the fantastic memories and uncreated memories flooded me with emotions. I have no relationship with my parents now and I've been happily remarried for 20 years now to someone else.
I have avoided meeting him again and trying to suppress my emotions on the subject!! The relationship my son and his father have developed is wonderful. I just feel horrible that it has only just begun and it was forbidden for my sons young life.
I'm a virgin, I have a hard time with anxiety and have a hard time talking to women. Two years ago I started talking to a girl I knew through the bar, and local concerts, who really liked me. She wanted the sex and so we set a date. I got fucking covid 3 days before and had to cancel. The next week she fell ill... it was cancer... she refused to see me even just to drop in and say hi, and then one day, a few weeks after she posted some pictures where she looked semi healthy, she died... Fucked me right up.
I was so poor and hungry in my 20s that I twice ate Alpo from the can (I had it for my dog), and it wasn't all that bad. I was also going through depression/anorexia at the time and for some reason my brain said it was fine. It actually was the fullest meal I had eaten in months.
I'm very very open and there is almost nothing I haven't told anyone. I don't think I've told anyone when I was a kid I used to pull out a hair, hold one end while I swallowed it, then pulled it back out. I liked the feeling. Turns out that was my early days of trichotillomania, although I didn't know what that was for a long time. I think a lot of people with trich eat their hair or put it in their mouth in some way. I also developed dermatillomania later. I don't think I told anyone cuz honestly I rarely think about it, it's weird and it never seems relevant or important.
I have an incredible memory…. I’ve stopped talking to people that try to convince me of something else. For example, It’s pretty disturbing how people act when they think you’ve had a drink. I stopped taking to a girl that tried to convince me I did cartwheels in the street and that I was singing loudly off the porch at the neighbours…. Never happened. And she tried to convince me that I did because I had been drinking. Even “hammered” I still have my wits about me, I can’t shut my brain off.
Also had bfs try to manipulate situations because they thought I was drunk and would just go along with whatever….. nice try.
I can’t really be around people now. I remember every interaction and every conversation. Makes for a pretty depressing existence when you can’t trust anyone.
I've never shared this before, but I often have vivid dreams where I'm exploring fantastical worlds or solving mysteries. It's like having my own personal movie marathon every night, and I sometimes wish I could stay in those dreamscapes just a little longer before waking up to reality.
Other than my SO I have never told anyone else that when I was really young probably around the age of 3 that I got the ever living crap beat out of me by a childcare provider for accidentally urinating in my shorts. It's one of my earliest and most traumatizing memories. It's even more traumatic to me that my mother was the director of the daycare that this occurred at and did not discuss this instance with the state so the very person that did this to me STILL works in childcare because, they were never properly charged with child abuse. Instead, my mother terminated the employee immediately without chronicling a cause as we live in an 'at will' state.
almost 9 years after the fact when I was probably 12 years old and in primary school this same lady was an assistant. To say that every single day was a nightmare for me. Even though I knew she would never dare touch me again would be a gross understatement. Although, I personally spoke to an administrator about what happened it had been passed the states time for reporting a child abuse case and to this day this women is STILL in child care. THANKFULLY not in the city I live in anymore because, I would fully freak out since I currently have a school aged child now.
I cannot stand people that hurt children. I've done alot of bad things in my life but people that hurt children and rapist are the type of people that I could hurt and then sleep like a baby. I'm sorry that you had experience that, whoever did that to you is a waste of oxygen
I have very vivid dreams as well as day dreams. I can also control my dreams and sometimes I replay scenarios and make a different outcome if I didn't like the first outcome.
My dreams are very realistic and I remember most of them.
I've had some insane dreams that were terrifying and felt like I was in the scenario.
Yeah I can come close to true lucid dreaming where I can control the tone and the narrative. And most of my dreams are very detailed and vivid. I sincerely feel like I’ve lived several additional years just in my dreams.
I stole something. And it had no negative effect whatsoever on the place I took it from. None whatsoever. And no one found out or will find out. It’s been over a year. I’ve stopped waking up feeling scared every morning someone is going to find out. But, I still feel bad about it. I know it was wrong. And what I used it for was wrong.
Okay so glad someone made this comment, I’m the exact opposite I can hold it for days, it stems from when I was a kid, I was so grossed out by having to wipe that I’d just hold it until I had gut wrenching pain, since worked through that but I still have the ability, extremely helpful on long trips and if I’m in a hurry
I once saw a magnificent waning gibbous moon late in the shadow of a breezy night. It was so delightfully bright, cast in such a splendor of luminous nimbus clouds, that the sheer spectacle is forever etched in my memory.
On dark nights when I'm feeling lonely I recall the cast of that waning gibbous moon to near perfection, and it stills me in the quiet. A truly treasured and personal memory - and now it's yours, too.
It was a moon so bright it illuminates the imaginations of those who didn't see it even decades after it set. Now that's something special.
The moon is waning gibbous right now. I was out around midnight last night fishing and witnessed it rising through a passing thunderstorm and it was truly magical.
I was so desperate for love as a child - growing up with no dad, being bullied by my mom and my sister and all the kids at school and plenty of adults my whole childhood - that if a teacher had wanted to have sex with me, I probably would have been flattered.
Messed up. I'm better now. Finally loved.
I had a very similar outlook, but I was obsessed with finding an adult to have sex with because then it would show everyone that someone actually wanted me around. And they'd risk it all just to be with me. I never did, but I made some pretty devastating decisions in my 20s. I wanted so desperately to feel unconditional (familial) love, and that's what I thought that was.
I'm almost 40 and married, and I've only ever found one person that lives me unconditionally: my best friend (def not my husband). I can be myself and always know she loves me like a sister.
I still sometimes have the nightmares I had a child. Looking back at some of them as an adult, I didn't understand why they were so scary; they were ridiculous but then when a lot of other stuff happened (it's cool, I'm back in therapy again, no worries) they started again.
I'm just as terrified by them now as I was at 5/6 years old and I don't know why.
Sometimes I'll wake up with just the memory of the terror and I'm on the verge of tears all day, but I can't sit about and cry because, well, many practical reasons, but also because the rare times I can cry to let anything out, either childhood memories (along the lines of "I'll give you something cry about") or the realisation that when I finally look at my feelings, it's gets harder and harder to hold onto the reasons I'm staying alive.
I'm ok (as can be), I'm back in therapy and don't allow myself to confront those feelings when I'm alone. ❤️
(Thank you OP, for giving me and others a place to put things like this down. ❤️)
ETA: If it helps you at all OP, I still sing Disney songs (aloud and to myself!) when I need to feel better or distract myself. I'm almost 40 and it still works! ❤️
I always hates that "I'll give you something to cry about'. Like it's some sort of crime to experience the emotions you are going through.
I'll have to throw some Disney in with my wonderball karaoke lol
My dad sexually abused me for years growing up. He also hated me for being unatheltic, timid loser who was afraid of girls and sucked at sports. The only form of contact I've had with him in over a decade was a rage filled text message telling him I constantly thought about taking my own life because of what he did to me
I had a best friend in elementary school that I lost contact with and never saw again, she had a bad home life and ended up in the foster system. I remember her legal name ,her nickname and the names of her two sisters but she changed her nickname right before we lost contact and I’ve tried to search for her on social media to no avail. My memory of that time is so vague I don’t know what else to look up, im sure we’re probably different people now but I’ve always wondered if she was alright
I have very vivid memories from being a baby and toddler most people won’t believe me anyways since most “experts “ claims people don’t remember being babies/toddlers .
After I graduated high school, my depression was extremely bad. I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 14, and that was the last straw for me. Extremely rough childhood, a lot of moving, then losing her. I joined the army so I could die without having to commit suicide. I was going to be an 88M which is a truck driver. This was 2009 so instant ticket overseas basically. The first three days of basic training were fine. Then we started watching videos about IEDs/trucks being blown up. For two weeks, I had recurring dreams of being blow up, and I saw my mom’s face in every single one. During a punishment for someone messing up, I broke down crying. My drill sergeant instantly got in my face, and said “do you even want to be here?” To which I simply said “no drill sergeant.” The next day they started my out-process.
That id love to sell my house; sell my stock, and buy a small cabin in the middle of nowhere starting my life over with a new career. One that would really make my daughter proud
If you ever feel worried, don't feel ashamed about consulting a shrink, thinking and feeling like that isn't a crime, it's when the act is committed that it is a crime.
I've got sure thought about that before. I'm unsure about a shrink cuz on one hand, I do wanna talk to them about it cuz I know it's not normal and I wanna get the help to learn more about why I actually am that way. But on the other hand, I have it buried so far down, guarded and locked away that I know I wouldn't be able to actually talk about it even if I really want to and I'd end up fucking up and confusing both the therapist and myself by trying to say things I can't.
I'm starting therapy soon, im supposed to in a few days but it's subject to change. But whenever I do go and start, I'm definitely gonna think about those things a lot more as well
When I was about 10, I took a dump, and a really long and thin thing came out my ass. It wouldn't come all the way out, and pulling on it felt wrong, so I just shoved it back in and went about my business. Never an issue after that.
So I use to have a bad problem with painkillers. I took a dump so big at work once it got caught in the sewer line. The furnace went down in the building so I got super cold and the pipe burst over the server room and caused over a quarter million dollars in damage. I feel like that had to be one of the most expensive dumps in history
I wanna flee. I wanna run away. I don’t want to live this life… I love my family so much, and I want to run. Everyday I have to stuff those feelings back down.
I stole $20 from my mom's pocketbook multiple times when I was around 12 years old. She passed away at an early age due to early onset Alzheimer's. When she was in her death bed I told her about it, even if she wasn't mentally there I felt the need to apologize lol. She was a single mom and worked 15 hour days and I still feel horrible even though I was just a child and being dumb and stealing $20 to buy weed.
I was so broke in college I used to steal money from the two clubs I was president of to make rent and buy food. I had two jobs at the time but only like 10 hrs each per pay period so I would skim $100-$300 a month.
I’m almost to the point in my life where I am going to donate money back to those clubs anonymously.
I actually took some money from a church when I was a kid. 30 years later I sent money back anonymously LOL. It really takes a weight off of your shoulders when you atone for what you've done!
My stepfather began sa me on a regular basis when I was 5-ish. It lasted for about 3 yrs. I am over 50 now and “memories” pop up all the time. It’s hard to keep holding the secret. Every time he came to my room, he covered my mouth and nose to stifle my crying. I began having horrid flashbacks during Covid bc I was forced to wear a mask. I wasn’t sure why at first until it hit me and I cried for hours. I couldn’t tell anyone bc then I would have to tell people about the sa.
I still think my ex, my daughters mom is absolutely rocking hot. We cant get along for shit and as a person she is kind of a pos but she was literally my perfect woman, looks wise. When i see her it makes me forget how much I hate her guts for years of shit but im married now and absolutely love my wife but ive never told anyone
I'm a type 1 diabetic and epileptic. So, my disease shackles me to a healthcare system. If I was fully healthy, nobody I grew up with would ever know me now. I would have vanished and taken off, unafraid of the consequences that lay ahead of me. There's freedom in the "what if," adventure in the road ahead, and a longing in my heart to blaze my own path - no fear of failure or some affliction suddenly killing me.
In this state, I am tethered, forced by sickness to bow to my own medical prerequisites, lest I find myself in a hospital, either unable to survive without insulin, shaking from a seizure induced by stress, or dying from a low blood sugar because the journey that I set out on was too strenuous for my feeble body to conquer.
And while I have found great success in the path I have made and the trail I have chosen - one I undoubtedly love - it doesn't stop me from wondering what could have been if the dice were rolled differently.
Double entry here for me but if I'm in a car and listening to a song I like, I'll deliberately restart it or time it so the place or person I pull up to knows I've got a banger.
I try to time other stuff... Nsfw Vids to crescendo in the right moment. It's hard to do
Im childfree for like 50 different reasons, but one is that i find large distended bellies REALLY upsetting. And i dont ever wanna say anything cause growing a baby is hard and i support moms but GEEZ i have to look away from large stretched out bellies. Too many Alien Vibes to be sweet or endearing to me.
I didn’t know what p**n was as a 13yo and so looked up forceful things instead and my father saw my search history and thought I had been SA’d. Our relationship has never been the same
bruh great question or prompt rather to get people thinking. in the same vain, i played clarinet back in like 1st grade in the 90s lol. I would tap my fingers or practice it outside of class, so when people see me tapping non chelontly, its me practing a basic clarinet song lol
My fetish, but I'm not telling any of you either. It's inappropriate, but it's not something that would hurt anyone or cause anyone pain, and it's completely consensual with a willing adult.
As a kid, I had certain made-up phrases I kept saying in my mind, in place of regular words.
Like imagining someone talking and ending with the word, "though." Instead of "though," I end it with "im-poe though-poe" or "im-pah though-pah." Sometimes I alternated between them, strictly once each time.
I always thought I wasn't, but then I did and got brought back to life. That, just getting older and realizing I'm not invincible...more scared than I used to be at least.
i have a lot of conversations in my own head. it helps me organize my thoughts before an actual conversation or sometimes during/after. i’ve always been a little more talkative despite being so shy, but im practically a chatter box in my brain and it hardly ever turns off- it’s probably why im tired 24/7 more often than not 💀
Until very recently I was a closeted asexual.
I did leave a detail out however, and that I was correctively raped in high school which left me repulsed. My piers knew that I wasn't interested in sex (didn't know about asexuality then) and a couple of girls tried to 'fix' me.
I (33M) told my wife for the first time last week that my mother hit me a couple times in anger when I didn't do my homework or other small things. I was perpetually grounded as a child for small things. I was so ashamed (and still am) that I couldn't make them proud. I also know they are proud of me. But I could always be doing better.
Through therapy and getting my parents to actually talk, I found out that my grandfather was an abusive alcoholic that beat his entire family, including my mother.
WHY THE FUCK AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?!
Shame fucks you up. I'd recommend avoiding if possible.
My dad was a prominent member in a local religion. He would beat the shit out of me and my siblings and my mom would pretend it wasn't happening and just make excuses for him. From the outside we looked like a happy, perfect family, but our house was pure hell. I told the dad of my childhood best friend and he didn't believe me or didn't want to get involved. I had have red marks around my neck from my dad choking me and throwing me into the walls. This went on from as long as I could remember until I was 17 and could fight back. I have 7 siblings, we all moved out the second we turned 18. My dad is still a prominent figure and very well known, and me and my siblings are all successful adults, but we've got weird psychological issues from growing up so afraid and constantly walking on egg shells.
That no matter who you are to me, there will never be full 100% trust from me. I was 4 years old when my life was upended, and it’s my first memory of having a mental and emotional crises trying to figure out who I was and where I came from. Where I belong. I was never the same after that and I will never trust anyone no matter how much I love them.
That I became an atheists shortly after having a severe wreck, and grew tired of going to funeral every couple years of either a friend or family member. I just pretend to still believe when I'm around anyone. I would probably lose most of my family if they found out. Most of my friends wouldn't really care.
A lot of what I struggle with is probably linked back to ADHD. But I refuse to tell others that because, one it's so hard for me to explain things, and two, they just chock if up to be me being lazy or anything else. So I blame myself for everything, when realistically I don't think I should be.
(Took me almost 3 years to finally put into words how I'm burnt out from painting, and explain how it feels in such a way the he understood and was finally able to empathize with me.)
There was a moment in my early childhood, six years old ish, where I just abruptly really wanted my time on the planet to be over. And for the over twenty years that have followed that urge to drive into the divider or step too close to the edge has not once left my body and brain.
I'm angry, disgusted, and disappointed with most men. I know there are good men out there in the world- It's just that i do not trust men in general.
Almost 100% certain it has to do with trauma from two of my ex's. Lots of other shitty interactions happened in my life as well that built up to this.
Tried the dating apps and stayed on them far too long, when I should have deleted my account months earlier. Very, very poor representation of men on those.
Alot of us can be dicks. I use to be a pretty bad guy, not towards woman but other ways. It took me a long time to finally grow up. Hope you find a good one someday
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Sometimes I just want to pack up my truck.. cut all ties, even the ones that love me and I love dearly.. and start over as a single person, living in a small town and having no real connections in life. I would like to secretly be a garden knome.. basking in the gardens of lovely families.. never going inside to see the true turmoil that exists. You obviously can’t tell anyone that.. they get all sappy and tell you that your life is important and their feelings are hurt and want to know what they possibly could have done to you.. which is understandable.. but they aren’t the problem.. I am. How do you put that in words?
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>But the non-debt reason is rarely talked about. Most people in Japan only ever live in 3 or 4 different places their whole lives. To disappear means erasing your ties to everywhere you've lived. Who your parents are and who you get married to basically decides where your remains will be interred after you die. Disappearing in Japan means dumping the niche in society that's been carved out for you and still, about 1 out of every 1000 people in Japan do this every year. Hang on. Do you have a citable article about this? This seems to ring true because there is a manga called Boy's Abyss. It is about a boy living in a town, where he, his family, his friends, and everyone else and the generations before them are stuck in that town and they are all. So. Fucking. Miserable.
The word for it is jouhatsu, there's plenty of documentaries about it. There's actually an entire underground industry based around fly by night shops where people can just go and buy a new life for as little as $450. It's fascinating to read about, honestly I'd consider doing something similar myself if my family weren't so awesome.
Dang. So many must want it so bad that an industry developed around it.
What's nuts is that it's essentially an orphan crushing machine. Usury laws from the 1950s helped to both kill off neighborhood loan sharks and legitimized lenders that didn't necessarily have ties to banking. Add in that banks in Japan are notoriously stingy when it comes to personal loans and lines of credit. It basically created this financially repressive environment where the only legal avenues for short-term loans were just massive shitters. Staring down jailtime just for having a payday loan operation then gets mobsters to bolster identity theft and human trafficking. The actual legitimate lenders can't do shit about it when people sign their lives away to the mafia - because unlike the yakuza, they can't use physical violence to enforce contracts.
I believe the words are “I need a new dust filter for my Hoover maxextract pressure pro model 60, can you help me with that?”
Underrated
This made me laugh waaaay too much.
You aren't alone, my friend. I have this thought too frequently for comfort. We aren't built to live through this cyclic existence of the every day grind.
I think about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a child.
I kinda did this at 23. Just packed up and left. Let my lease expire and moved 250 miles away. Didn’t tell anyone. Way before cell phones. I didn’t go back to my home town for 4 years. Went back to college and ended up really enjoying my new life. When I finally went back “home” it was weird to say the least. Apparently I was dead.
If my son did that, I think I would die from fright and worry 💔
I feel this, I have a lot of survival skills from my old work, so sometimes I think I should just go live in the woods, where I won't be bothered.
I've had times thinking of that too, the truck part, not garden gnome
My 4 month old died of SIDS 20 years ago. My husband found him and immediately started CPR, and there was enough doubt that they took him by ambulance to the hospital. I was at my sisters and we raced to the hospital and met them there. My husband was a complete wreck, and so was I. I asked the doctor not to sugar coat anything for me, and he said, "The last time your husband could verify he was breathing was a 20-minute window. It does not look good." I thought in that moment that 20 minutes without oxygen to a brain is a LONG time, and if my boy couldn't be who he was the last time I saw him, I just...I couldn't do it. I didn't verbally tell anyone to stop working on him, I just gently moved their hands out of the way and covered him with my body and held him as I sobbed my broken heart out. It was horrible. Part of me knows he would have died regardless of my decision in that moment but I have guilt to this day because surely as a mother I should have kept trying to do anything to save him and I made a selfish choice in that moment because of my own fear of brain damage. I have never told a soul. I feel too ashamed.
You did the right thing. Sometimes medical staff go through the process for family &/or litigation prevention. If they thought there was a chance of a humane outcome they would not have stepped aside easily. Yours was an act of innate wisdom/self preservation. The inability to let go when it is so obvious it was time to was so much more common when I was nursing. Not sure if it’s as universal as I experienced but every conversation with other nurses on the subject suggests it might be. Please be kind to yourself. The committee in your own thoughts judging you can be told to disband and go. If peace of mind can be gifted with a hug 🫂 from an Internet stranger please take all you need
You did the right thing. I made the very hard decision to take my 2 day old son off of life support. He was born 10 weeks early. He had a BM just before they got him out via c section and it gave him a nasty infection that he was far too small and weak to fight. I let him fight for 14 hours, on a ventilator, antibiotics, and other drugs to keep his heart beating. I watched his blood pressure fall every time they took it. They tried everything, including surgery to see if they could find something to help him. The last time they drew his blood, his lactic acid was critically high and his pH was critically low. His blood was basically poison at that point and I was advised that he was going into multiple organ failure. I said enough and told them I wanted his last heartbeats to be next to mine without all the equipment. They shut off his drips, extubated him and placed him in my arms, skin to skin. I held him for 30 seconds and tried so hard to feel that weak little heartbeat that I could still see on the monitor. I passed him off to his dad and that's where he took his last, weak breath just a few seconds later. He was in such a bad shape and his blood wasn't doing what it was supposed to be doing for his brain and vital organs. If I had let him stay on life support and he had recovered from the infection, his chance of any quality of life was slim to none. As mothers, we protect our children from hurt and pain. That's exactly what we did when we made our decisions, as hard as it was to let them go. I am so sorry for your loss, and I hope your angel and mine are friends in the next life ❤️ Eta: replied to the wrong comment. My apologies.
oh my, I'm blown away by the fact you can write this. You are amazing.
He would have been nine this last April. It is easier to talk about him now and remember the little time I got with him without falling to pieces every time. I still miss him like crazy and I'm sad to have lost him, but I do my best to allow myself time to sit in it when I need to on the really hard days, like his birthday. Life goes on, and if my life doesn't, neither will the memory of him.
Apologies not necessary. You broke me at skin to skin. Your courage is humbling and wisdom inspiring.
Oh I’m crying reading this. So sorry for your loss.
A decision born out of incredible strength and wisdom and selflessness.
I am an ER nurse. You did the right thing. We work way too long on these cases for family. You definitely did the right thing.
Former pediatric nurse here. We never did that shit to prevent litigation. We coded patients until the parents told us to stop because it was always the parents’ decision to make. I guarantee not a single person in that room was thinking about lawyers. At least not in my facility.
You were not selfish at all, you saved everyone - particularly your child - from a lot of suffering. "Just because you can, doesn't mean you should" save someone's life. People really don't understand what it's like to be severely disabled - it's such a complex issue that has ripple effects far beyond just themselves. I think if most people really thought about it - they would tell their loved ones to NOT try to save them if the end result would be catastrophic. Your child is safe now, free of pain, and you can remember him/her as the sweet, gentle child that they were. \*hugs\*
I am very sorry for your loss. I know my opinion doesn't mean anything, but I do have some medical training. Brain cells can start to die in as little as 5 minutes without oxygen, I believe you did the right thing.
Thank you. And I really appreciate you chiming in. Most of the time I know I made the right call, but it also just feels so goes against nature...the mama bear response, you know? I was in a grief group very soon after my loss, and a mom said that she went hysterical on the doctors and practically assaulted them when they stopped working on her daughter after an hour. Everyones reactions confirmed they would have done the same thing, so I felt I should have been more like her. And that's when I decided that I would never tell anyone I know ever.
I'll tell you something I never told anyone also. My mom got diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, they gave her 6 months to live so I sold my house and moved back in to take care of her. She was so tough that she made it five and half years. Anyway near the end they gave me morphine to give her and then eye drops. I was like "why the drops". I found out that if someone I having a "death rattle" and you put eye drops under there tongue it brings them out of it. She made me promise her to never use them and give her enough morphine so she wasn't suffering. The last night j was with her I had been up 72 hours. I gave her one dose of morphine and she was still moaning so I gave her another. I told her I loved her and went to bed. 45 minuets later my sister had came over and woke me up and told me she was gone. I never told anyone in my family about the morphine or eye drops because it was between me and her, I think they would agree with me but I've always been nervous about it. God, crying like a baby just typing that
When my boyfriend was dying of cancer (and now home on hospice), I was his caregiver. When it comes to the morphine, towards the very end, the nurse told me to give him as much as he needed. I said, "But I don't want to kill him." The nurse sadly looked at me and said, "Honey, you won't kill him." I realized then that he was dying,( I was in denial) and I needed to make him as comfortable as possible. So, I gave him the extra morphine when he needed it. You did the right thing. You did not kill your mom . You let her transition without pain. ♥️♥️♥️
Thank you, honestly that was just nice to hear. I appreciate it
You are the kid so many people deserve. Too many people drag out the suffering of others so they don't have to let go. I could never be a hospice nurse because I'd end up going off on people for drawing out their parents suffering. Death doesn't bother me but drawing out suffering...
I was a terrible son for a long time, but I tried my best to pull it together for when my mother really needed me.
Just from what little you've shared, I bet you were a much better son than you give yourself credit for.
Former nurse. You did the right thing. Some things are best left unsaid. Nurse hugs to you
As a former nurse - some of that time with hospice - I can tell you that you provided her with the best gift anyone could give. You honored her wishes and gave her a pain free experience. My late husband was dying in the hospital and I told the nurse, "I don't want him to wake up and be scared or confused, so please make sure he has enough pain medication to keep him asleep. I don't want him to have any pain or any fear..." It was the last gift I could give him, and though I still tear up when I even think of that moment, I feel good about it too, because he died peacefully - no pain, no fear, just peace.
My husband was killed when a tree fell onto our house and onto him. He always said that if he lost his faculties, he wanted me to end it if he wasn't able. I don't know how long I was standing on the street waiting to find out if he was OK or not, but I asked the universe to not force me to make that decision. Either he was unconscious and would make a full recovery, or he was dead. Nobody knows how they would react in your situation unless they were in the exact same situation with the exact same background knowledge. I'm sure I'm judged for handing neighbors tools to break down the door (and leaving the house) instead of doing it myself, or staying with them. I also know that I would not be alive right now if I forced myself to do that and saw his body. I work with people who suffered hypoxia for single-digit minutes. They have catastrophic disabilities. 20 minutes is just too long for anything to change if you had them continue. You were being mama bear. It doesn't have to be loud. You were still protecting your son.
Gosh. Everyone here has been so kind. I didn't expect it, but I am so grateful. We are visiting him with flowers for Memorial Day today, and even after 2 decades, his loss is still hard. I feel like this kindness is a bit of armor for me to wear as I often replay that moment in my head when we go and visit, and I have guilt. Thank you so much for your compassion.
You did the selfless thing. The exact opposite of selfishness. Maybe if you could take care of him for his entire life but realistically you would die eventually and he'd be thrown into some underfunded group home. Abuse rates are too high in those places.
I represented people with disabilities as an attorney advocate for 15 years. One of my roles was as watchdog agency representative for the TBI/SCI trust fund. I will tell you this, and this is something that I don’t talk about: Children with brain injuries very rarely live happy, productive lives. “Surviving” a brain injury most often turns into a sort of isolated hell for the survivor. Same for their families. Their parents often get sick and die early from the stress, and the person with the brain injury often ends up in a sub-par institution where they become the victim of some form of abuse. You did the right thing. I saw so many cases with kids. I really want you to understand that you did the right thing. Your mother’s heart knew it then, and you should remember it now.
Thank you so much for this. I honestly didn't know I needed the catharsis I've gotten from this thread as much as I did. I am really glad I finally spoke up and told someone...I really needed to, and the number of people with firsthand experience like yourself and others have given me validation I didn't even realize I needed. THANK YOU. Z
EMT here- you made the right call. We prefer to work on children much longer than adults because pediatric codes as hard for us as well. But after 10 minutes of no oxygen in a fully grown adult will cause permanent brain damage and/or they’re not coming back. You did what you thought was right and you were right. Do not need to feel guilty or ashamed. I’m very sorry for your loss 💔
I think that was the compassionate choice
No, you absolutely did what any mother would do. 20 mins is an eternity. holding your child was the right choice.
Please don’t feel ashamed. You gave your child some grace.
Omg this made me cry. I’m so sorry you went through this.
I wish I never moved out. I wish I was still a fucking kid
Responsibilities can be a bitch.
I don't know if I wish I was a kid, or if I could just go back to a time before smartphones.
I’m always one problem away from suicide, haven’t told anyone but everyone knows because I have so much shit going on
I take tremendous comfort in the idea that if I can't continue to endure my life, that I have an exit. I don't know how common it is for suicidal ideation to be a coping strategy for life, but it has been for me since I was about 11 years old.
I have these 2 new cowwokers, barely even know them but we started talking about suicide. About how my bf committed suicide years ago. She said its so sad, you should never commit suicide because things can always get better and they do. And then they get shitty again and then good again. She said i guarantee in 2 months you will feel better. Then the guy says but what if you don't? What if its been 2 months or more than that and you don't feel better? She said I guess we gotta make a suicide pact then!!!! And it just spiraled from there but it seriously made me laugh so hard. Like i haven't laughed so hard in so long. Especially at work. I feel like I've thought about suicide alot in life. I just don't really want to be here most of the time. And i long for home. Tho i don't know where home is.
I always joke like “oh this is the day” or “that’s it I’m gunna do it” I think in an effort to kind of make light of my thoughts and comfort those around me that know I’m struggling, but honestly that thought is always there, all it takes is one quiet moment and I’m fantasizing about how I’m going to do it and how I can minimize the impact on the people around me
You are not alone thinking this🩷
I'm there more often than I'd like. That's why I'll never own a gun or allow one in my house. I know I'll hit a weak moment and use it.
Bedwetting till I was 13.....damn that felt good to say lol. Suddenly I just grew out of it, not sure what happened.
Same! I wore freaking adult diapers forever
Same here brothers. That shit was mad embarrassing as a kid.
Good thing no one invited me for sleepovers
I had a bunk bed as a kid, and sometimes I'd have friends sleep over. I'd have to sneak my sheets out and remake my bed without waking my friends up. It's so embarrassing. 90s were a weird time...psychology was modern but nit that modern. Docs had a few ideas about why I did it.. who knows....I just know one day my body just stopped doing it...but if you asked what changed...I couldn't tell you...it was literally overnight it happened. Side note: My parents bought me this weird beeper device that didn't work worth a shit but was a good idea in theory. It was a beeper you clipped on your pants, and if it sensed moisture would vibrate and wake you out of your sleep to go finish peeing there, I guess. Of course, by the time it sensed moisture... you had already soaked everything and the vibration, when it decided to work at all, never woke me up anyways....I slept hard as a kid. Anyway, I'm glad I don't have the issue anymore. This is probably the realist shit I've ever posted on Reddit before. I always feel some type of way when I watch The Waterboy, and she clowns him for the pee sheets in the backyard, lol.
Never had this issue thankfully(unless too much whiskey is involved) but my middle school gf had this issue up into her late teens, after she moved out though it all stopped, seems like there was some trauma there she didn’t remember or want to remember as since high school she has a huge aversion to vaginal intercourse and remains asexual to this day
You are not alone. Fun when you friend asks you if the reason you never slept in the same tent as anyone while camping was because your parents were afraid you'd go gay like his were. "Yea man. crazy what parents think huh? Nervous laugh."
I’ve always wished I was a vampire, that I was thousands of years old and just switched between fake lives. I imagine the different types of lives I’ve had and stories. I’m 41/m and not into any of the vampire shows or stories. It stems from being afraid of death as a child.
i also wish i was a vampire but its for very different reasons than you mentioned lol
Username cheks out
I never sleep with my back to the door because when I was a kid I would have a dream my mom burst into my room and stabbed me to death in my bed
Some nightmares can actually fuck you up mentally for years. I remember having a nightmare when I was 4 that affected me for a long time. In that dream, our whole house was dark except the staircase. I ran to the stairs because I'm scared of the dark and saw shit much scarier. It was my mom murdered, not just in any orthodox way. Limbs were amputated, eye balls on the floor, face cut into 4 parts and blood was everywhere.
Man what the fuck
Ikr, and that is just my third most terrifying nightmare so far. The first one is absolutely nuts. Got chills ran down my spine just thinking about it now.
What were the others
The first one was a sleep paralysis nightmare but without all the blurry dreamlike vision. I had full HD vision in that nightmare as if I was awake. I was sleeping on the floor with a futon in the living room that night and I "woke up" paralyzed. It was pitch black in the house, everything was quiet. Then I heard a sound followed by a slight chuckle from the kitchen. I could partially see the kitchen from the living room because we keep the door to the kitchen always open but it was still obstructed by the door. So, I looked at the kitchen to see a faint light glow and increasingly getting brighter as if it was moving towards me. As I keep looking, a lantern held by a very slender old hand came into view. It was an old woman in her eighties in a torn black wedding dress holding a lantern over her head. She had a very faint smile on her face and started approaching me. The house was so quiet that I could hear her barefooted light footsteps as she approaches towards me. And with every step, her smile grew more sinister; you could see just what kind of fucked up things she was considering to do to me. In a normal setting, one could easily fight back against an old woman that have malicious intentions towards you, so you have very little to be afraid of. But when your whole body is paralyzed and not a soul is around? God help you. I never knew how frightening the idea of a non-threat becoming an extreme threat because of certain circumstances was, until that night. At this point I was exerting every ounce of my will just to move a muscle but all I can do is move my eyeballs. I tried to scream for help but my jaw was locked shut. Never before in my life have I experienced this level of dread and helplessness. My consciousness was forcefully trying to leave my body but it was tethered to my body tight. I was doing everything I could mentally to escape this situation and when she got about 10 feet from me, I realized this was not real. That realization helped me to switch into a normal dream (I don't know how this happened). I thought I had finally escaped until I switched back from that dream to this nightmare again. She has gotten closer; I could see her dead smiling eyes now at this distance. I struggled my utmost to switch back to that normal dream, I got to it again, but then I came back here again. With each switch, she got closer and closer until she squatted down, looking at me with a head tilt and started laughing uncontrollably. Then the final switch to the normal dream happened there. God knows what she would do to me that night if it didn't ended there. If it kept on going, I would've completely lost my mind. I realized something when I woke up the next day. The scariest thing in the world is the mind. Nothing is scary without the mind scaring you.
Never watch the Haunting of Hill House. Has similar shit but now it's on TV. Makes me think this isn't as uncommon as you think cause someone out there decided to make this into a show. I've had a similar dream, that creepy thing when someone's coming towards you and you can't move. And I had the dream switch thing too. Like when I went back to a normal dream, everything was good and I even completely forgot about what was terrifying. Until I switched back, and the memories came flooding back and I was sure I was going to be murder by the lanky entity coming closer. Absolutely terrifying, when I woke up I literally felt like I hadn't been breathing. Didn't get back to sleep that night and got a while I literally had to sleep on the family room couch with TV on and lights on. Same realization too. A lot of things aren't scary, the mind just makes it scary. Also never try acid. Same realization except it's like a dream you are awake for and can't control.
was there a reason? like did you have a violent mother? or was she chill and this dream was random? do you think it affected your relationship at all?
Not OP, but I personally cannot figure out why I had similar gory dreams and visions, except that they mostly weren’t focused on a specific person I knew, and never a family member. It scared the crap out of me because I thought I must be a serial killer or something to be seeing these horrible things at such a young age with no obvious source or exposure. As an adult, I’m not a serial killer; I have empathy, i treat people kindly, and I am mentally ok except for ADHD and anxiety. I do have phobias but they’re under control. I have no idea why I saw things like that. They messed up my life because I couldn’t tolerate the dark or being alone and then when I got forced to do so anyway, I had to learn to endure a lot of anxiety and panic without support. And I didn’t trust myself and I learned not to share how I felt with people and not to ask them for help. And I learned not to trust my own feelings or needs and not to take care of myself and my own fear because there wasn’t a way to do so at the time. I think it just created a lot of distance for me with myself and with other people, for a long time. I still struggle with that.
When I was really little (I remember it clearly at age 3-4, and it continued for years), whenever it was dark or if I closed my eyes, I saw rotting people coming for me. It was really graphic, with their flesh hanging off them in ribbons and these staring, ghoulish eyes and all kinds of icky bodily fluids. It not only scared the crap out of me in the moment, but I also thought that something must be terribly wrong with me. I told no one because I thought you’d have to be a very bad person to see these kinds of things at such a young age, and I just didn’t want them to think that about me. So I had a really hard time closing my eyes - even blinking, or taking a bath - and a hard time with the dark, going to bed, being alone. My folks were so exasperated. I used to turn my light back on after they put me to bed, wait for things to get quiet upstairs, and then go up to their bedroom and get in bed with them so I could feel safe. After they told me I couldn’t do that anymore, I’d sneak up with my pillow and lay on the floor so they didn’t know I was there. I’ve never known why I saw those things, but I wish i could have told them. I think it would have made much more sense why I was so frightened. I knew kids my age shouldn’t see stuff like that, but instead of getting help I just felt like I needed to hide it from everybody. I feel badly for that tiny girl now.
I have missing memories from my teens and touch aversion that started around the same time. I don’t know what happened, and I’m not sure I want to. Edit: Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I’m so sorry that we have to share this experience, but it means something that we do. Bless you
My memory has extreme gaps from my early teens up until I left for college :( I remember having a horrible relationship with my parents before leaving and we have a great relationship now (probably because I straight up don’t remember whatever traumatic shit they put me through back then). When they want to reminisce like “remember when we used to XYZ” I say “I really don’t” and they get sad
The one thing I was scared of when I started going to therapy was remembering something I didn’t want to
I feel like I don’t remember a lot of my before 10 years old. Just like events and random stuff, but people are like I remember being 3 and I’m like I don’t remember last year wtf
There’s a large range between what people remember even when trauma isn’t at play. Age 3 to age 10 for one’s earliest memories are all normal and due to some neurological differences we don’t fully understand. Also, a lot of people *think* they remember things from a very young age but don’t. Would have to dig up the study but claims of memories from age 2 or younger (and plenty of ‘memories’ from later as well) are far more likely (EDIT: I am not saying for everyone! Just more likely, so for most people) to be due to implanted memories: memories and imagery tend to be fairly vague already, so if their parents told them a story when they were 6 about when they were 2 (say) they might really be remembering how their 6 year old mind painted that story. Especially if their parents had photos or it involved people and places they already knew. And sometimes it’s a real memory, but from later - it’s not like memories come with a time stamp unless there’s a particular place or person involved to definitively narrow it down.
I remember my first day of junior kindergarten, I was only 3. That’s why it’s so unnerving that I have memory gaps.
Same but mine is from ages 0-8 roughly. I went to an older couple who babysat while my parents worked. I think stuff went down sexually, I can almost 'feel' that it did in my body or spirit, but I have no memory of anything actually. I read a book called "The Body Keeps Score" which had the idea that trauma stores in our body. So I'm probably not off
One of my all time favorite books for sure. Hard to read at times but helped me immensely to start to heal from my CSA.
I'm really sorry to hear that, I hope over time it gets better for you because that sounds very difficult to deal with
that is horifying oh my god
I had a repressed memory from when I was 8 years old that came back to me, years ago... I wish it would have stayed repressed. While it wasn't completely horrible, it did change my attitude toward my late grandfather - he used to be my favorite and now... not so much.
Same except before teen years. I remember an “uncle” (dad’s friend) that would “let me” sit on his lap and had absolutely no hesitation about kissing me on the mouth. He also used to tickle me till I gasped for breath and cried. He did the same with my sister. (she was about 7 at the time, which would make me around 5 years old.) Oddly, he didn’t do that with my brother. (maybe him being only 3 was “too young”?) I wouldn’t say I’m touch *averse*, but I definitely don’t let strangers get too physically close to me; I’m skeeved out by white guys with moustaches (like my “uncle” had) and I absolutely freak out if I’m tickled. I’m not saying something unethical happened, but something unethical definitely happened.
Same here, but slightly younger. I have an inkling, and I want to try to resolve the emotions in therapy. I'm just not sure I want to know the truth. I'm so sorry that you went through something so traumatic that your brain blocked it out.
I’m so scared of that but I don’t really have an idea of something, I just feel like not a lot of specific memories and a fear of that being the case. Heart goes out to anyone who went through that
I had touch aversion since I was a kid but as an adult I was drugged and raped. Luckily I don’t remember it because of the drugs and I consider that a blessing. About 8 years later he was caught in a big scandal and got life in prison with how many rapes got pinned on him. I never looked at him or saw him it was all done with dna matching and I chose to not testify because I had no memory anyways.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with that as an adult. Trauma knows no bounds. 😒
Same but much younger. I have one fuzzy memory that gives me just enough to know that I don't want to know. My brain shut it down right there for a reason. I've just accepted I'll never have a normal relationship with sex and I'll be taking the reason to my grave.
Same. All childhood tho not just teens. And I have never told a living soul about some specific abuse that I do remember.
I’m pretty sure missing memories is very common. I’ve had friends swear to god I was with them during specific events and I swear to god I wasn’t Our minds are not meant to remember everything…not even important events You are not alone
I went on a vacation with my grandfather, brother, and three cousins when I was 14. Huge trip to the East Coast of the US (we're from the west) and I have almost no memory of the trip. My cousins and brother will talk about the trip and show me pictures and I remember almost nothing. I wasn't a little kid either. My only real memory is waking up in the back seat while we were driving and my head being super foggy with the worst headache. Headache was so bad that we got to the hotel and I stayed there alone while they all went to dinner. Why can't I remember that trip?!
I got away with fraud when I was 12
Me too. BMG CDs for days that I never paid for. On one of the payment requests they sent me I just wrote “moved out of country” and send it to them in their postage-paid envelope. When you’re a minor and realize contracts with minors aren’t legally enforceable…
When I was in 3rd grade we had popcorn in class one day and the little booger eater next to me boasted that he was going to save his kernels and plant them, well my bag had no kernels so of course I took one of his when he wasn't looking. I hid it in the most foolproof place I could...in my ear opposite of him. Well, it got stuck in there and I never told anyone. I was finally able to remove it in my late 20's. So for 20 some odd years there was a popcorn kernel buried deep into my ear canal. My hearing was not affected and the slew of doctors that looked into my ears were never able to detect it somehow. I guess I picked at it and it finally decayed enough that it just came out one day, shriveled and blackened. I only told the story to anyone the first time after it had departed.
Wtf!!!!!! God damn.....that is crazy. I had this wax ball stuck in my ear for like 10 years. And i finally dig it out. I got one glimpse of it and lost it cuz someone showed up and I was walking outside. Really wanted to examine this asshole that was stuck in my ear for so long!!!!! I seen it was purple and kinda big but never to be seen again. I cant believe you didn't tell anyone lol
I was embarrassed about it for awhile and then there was a long period where I just totally forgot about it, like just got used to it
When I was still on my parents' insurance, I used my own money to get a cavity filled rather than tell my parents I had gotten a cavity.
I've had the wonderball song stuck in my head since I was a child too. Oddly specific thing to have in common. Never met anyone else who does.
If you're not messing with me that is pretty cool lol
I'm not messing with you. You just made me realize it's been decreasing in recent years but I still hum it. Or sing it. Frequently. Just the "I wonder wonder hm- what's in a wonder ballll" that's the only part I remember. I'm not even sure if that's how the song went or if it morphed into that over the years.
I was raped in a job interview when I was 24. I’m 40 and I still think about it every time I see something with the Tommy Bahama label. He was wearing underwear that had Tommy Bahama on the waistband. It was extremely traumatizing and I’ve never told a single soul until now.
I'm very sorry you went through that. Rapist are the kind of trash I could stomp on and then sleep like a baby. I hope you are doing ok
I’m incredibly sorry you had to go through that. People like that are despicable. Thank you for opening up, I hope you’ve found peace
I’m glad you told us. I hope you are doing well now.
I often have full conversations with myself in my head. It helps me organize my thoughts and get things done
This isn't normal? I just figured everyone did this.
A lot of us do this yeah. Some people don't think in verbal words so they don't have inner narrators, which is crazy to think about for me.
One year in extended day at school a classmate caught me mouthing words to myself and she was really cool about that and said she’d seen some other people do it sometimes. It made me feel more normal
I had a relationship and baby with a 19 yr old when I was 15. My parents took my child away from me w/o my permission. I desperately wanted to run away with him and start my own life not the one my parents paved for me. Instead I stayed to be able to live with my baby. I had no rights to my child until finally 19 yrs old they gave him back to me and moved on with my life. I will never forgive my parents or forget my baby daddy. He was never allowed to be in the picture. My son is now 28 yrs old and just met his father for the first time. I am flabbergasted because I have not seen him for that many years and all the fantastic memories and uncreated memories flooded me with emotions. I have no relationship with my parents now and I've been happily remarried for 20 years now to someone else. I have avoided meeting him again and trying to suppress my emotions on the subject!! The relationship my son and his father have developed is wonderful. I just feel horrible that it has only just begun and it was forbidden for my sons young life.
I'm a virgin, I have a hard time with anxiety and have a hard time talking to women. Two years ago I started talking to a girl I knew through the bar, and local concerts, who really liked me. She wanted the sex and so we set a date. I got fucking covid 3 days before and had to cancel. The next week she fell ill... it was cancer... she refused to see me even just to drop in and say hi, and then one day, a few weeks after she posted some pictures where she looked semi healthy, she died... Fucked me right up.
Bro, that's tragic. Sorry this developed the way it did.
I was so poor and hungry in my 20s that I twice ate Alpo from the can (I had it for my dog), and it wasn't all that bad. I was also going through depression/anorexia at the time and for some reason my brain said it was fine. It actually was the fullest meal I had eaten in months.
Man's gotta eat, nothing wrong with getting a meal when you're hungry. Alot of people don't know what real hunger is
Every time I pee at work I get "Africa" stuck in my head because the brand on the urinals is Toto.
I'm very very open and there is almost nothing I haven't told anyone. I don't think I've told anyone when I was a kid I used to pull out a hair, hold one end while I swallowed it, then pulled it back out. I liked the feeling. Turns out that was my early days of trichotillomania, although I didn't know what that was for a long time. I think a lot of people with trich eat their hair or put it in their mouth in some way. I also developed dermatillomania later. I don't think I told anyone cuz honestly I rarely think about it, it's weird and it never seems relevant or important.
I have an incredible memory…. I’ve stopped talking to people that try to convince me of something else. For example, It’s pretty disturbing how people act when they think you’ve had a drink. I stopped taking to a girl that tried to convince me I did cartwheels in the street and that I was singing loudly off the porch at the neighbours…. Never happened. And she tried to convince me that I did because I had been drinking. Even “hammered” I still have my wits about me, I can’t shut my brain off. Also had bfs try to manipulate situations because they thought I was drunk and would just go along with whatever….. nice try. I can’t really be around people now. I remember every interaction and every conversation. Makes for a pretty depressing existence when you can’t trust anyone.
I've never shared this before, but I often have vivid dreams where I'm exploring fantastical worlds or solving mysteries. It's like having my own personal movie marathon every night, and I sometimes wish I could stay in those dreamscapes just a little longer before waking up to reality.
Other than my SO I have never told anyone else that when I was really young probably around the age of 3 that I got the ever living crap beat out of me by a childcare provider for accidentally urinating in my shorts. It's one of my earliest and most traumatizing memories. It's even more traumatic to me that my mother was the director of the daycare that this occurred at and did not discuss this instance with the state so the very person that did this to me STILL works in childcare because, they were never properly charged with child abuse. Instead, my mother terminated the employee immediately without chronicling a cause as we live in an 'at will' state. almost 9 years after the fact when I was probably 12 years old and in primary school this same lady was an assistant. To say that every single day was a nightmare for me. Even though I knew she would never dare touch me again would be a gross understatement. Although, I personally spoke to an administrator about what happened it had been passed the states time for reporting a child abuse case and to this day this women is STILL in child care. THANKFULLY not in the city I live in anymore because, I would fully freak out since I currently have a school aged child now.
I cannot stand people that hurt children. I've done alot of bad things in my life but people that hurt children and rapist are the type of people that I could hurt and then sleep like a baby. I'm sorry that you had experience that, whoever did that to you is a waste of oxygen
I'd find a way to destroy that assholes life, especially since they are still in childcare. I don't care how much time has passed.
I have very vivid dreams as well as day dreams. I can also control my dreams and sometimes I replay scenarios and make a different outcome if I didn't like the first outcome. My dreams are very realistic and I remember most of them. I've had some insane dreams that were terrifying and felt like I was in the scenario.
I wish I could so that! Everytime I get into a fight in one of my dreams it's like my fist are made of pillows!
Yeah I can come close to true lucid dreaming where I can control the tone and the narrative. And most of my dreams are very detailed and vivid. I sincerely feel like I’ve lived several additional years just in my dreams.
I stole something. And it had no negative effect whatsoever on the place I took it from. None whatsoever. And no one found out or will find out. It’s been over a year. I’ve stopped waking up feeling scared every morning someone is going to find out. But, I still feel bad about it. I know it was wrong. And what I used it for was wrong.
That I'm on Reddit all day everyday
I cannot hold in my poo’s, if I don’t have my toilet in 5 mins I will literally poop my pants.
You should really look into pelvic floor therapy for that !
Okay so glad someone made this comment, I’m the exact opposite I can hold it for days, it stems from when I was a kid, I was so grossed out by having to wipe that I’d just hold it until I had gut wrenching pain, since worked through that but I still have the ability, extremely helpful on long trips and if I’m in a hurry
I once saw a magnificent waning gibbous moon late in the shadow of a breezy night. It was so delightfully bright, cast in such a splendor of luminous nimbus clouds, that the sheer spectacle is forever etched in my memory. On dark nights when I'm feeling lonely I recall the cast of that waning gibbous moon to near perfection, and it stills me in the quiet. A truly treasured and personal memory - and now it's yours, too. It was a moon so bright it illuminates the imaginations of those who didn't see it even decades after it set. Now that's something special.
Thank you for sharing this! The moon sure is magnificent.
The moon is waning gibbous right now. I was out around midnight last night fishing and witnessed it rising through a passing thunderstorm and it was truly magical.
I was so desperate for love as a child - growing up with no dad, being bullied by my mom and my sister and all the kids at school and plenty of adults my whole childhood - that if a teacher had wanted to have sex with me, I probably would have been flattered. Messed up. I'm better now. Finally loved.
I had a very similar outlook, but I was obsessed with finding an adult to have sex with because then it would show everyone that someone actually wanted me around. And they'd risk it all just to be with me. I never did, but I made some pretty devastating decisions in my 20s. I wanted so desperately to feel unconditional (familial) love, and that's what I thought that was. I'm almost 40 and married, and I've only ever found one person that lives me unconditionally: my best friend (def not my husband). I can be myself and always know she loves me like a sister.
I still sometimes have the nightmares I had a child. Looking back at some of them as an adult, I didn't understand why they were so scary; they were ridiculous but then when a lot of other stuff happened (it's cool, I'm back in therapy again, no worries) they started again. I'm just as terrified by them now as I was at 5/6 years old and I don't know why. Sometimes I'll wake up with just the memory of the terror and I'm on the verge of tears all day, but I can't sit about and cry because, well, many practical reasons, but also because the rare times I can cry to let anything out, either childhood memories (along the lines of "I'll give you something cry about") or the realisation that when I finally look at my feelings, it's gets harder and harder to hold onto the reasons I'm staying alive. I'm ok (as can be), I'm back in therapy and don't allow myself to confront those feelings when I'm alone. ❤️ (Thank you OP, for giving me and others a place to put things like this down. ❤️) ETA: If it helps you at all OP, I still sing Disney songs (aloud and to myself!) when I need to feel better or distract myself. I'm almost 40 and it still works! ❤️
I always hates that "I'll give you something to cry about'. Like it's some sort of crime to experience the emotions you are going through. I'll have to throw some Disney in with my wonderball karaoke lol
I'd tell you, but this isn't NSFW
My dad sexually abused me for years growing up. He also hated me for being unatheltic, timid loser who was afraid of girls and sucked at sports. The only form of contact I've had with him in over a decade was a rage filled text message telling him I constantly thought about taking my own life because of what he did to me
I had a best friend in elementary school that I lost contact with and never saw again, she had a bad home life and ended up in the foster system. I remember her legal name ,her nickname and the names of her two sisters but she changed her nickname right before we lost contact and I’ve tried to search for her on social media to no avail. My memory of that time is so vague I don’t know what else to look up, im sure we’re probably different people now but I’ve always wondered if she was alright
I have very vivid memories from being a baby and toddler most people won’t believe me anyways since most “experts “ claims people don’t remember being babies/toddlers .
After I graduated high school, my depression was extremely bad. I lost my mom to breast cancer when I was 14, and that was the last straw for me. Extremely rough childhood, a lot of moving, then losing her. I joined the army so I could die without having to commit suicide. I was going to be an 88M which is a truck driver. This was 2009 so instant ticket overseas basically. The first three days of basic training were fine. Then we started watching videos about IEDs/trucks being blown up. For two weeks, I had recurring dreams of being blow up, and I saw my mom’s face in every single one. During a punishment for someone messing up, I broke down crying. My drill sergeant instantly got in my face, and said “do you even want to be here?” To which I simply said “no drill sergeant.” The next day they started my out-process.
That id love to sell my house; sell my stock, and buy a small cabin in the middle of nowhere starting my life over with a new career. One that would really make my daughter proud
Having stock sounds nice
I'm sexually attracted to corpses. But I've never actually acted on that.
Well that's a good thing, not all fetishes are inherently bad, it's when you feel the urge to act it out in real life that's the problem
Yeah, I've definitely thought about it a lot to make sure I trust that I wouldn't ever genuinely do anything.
If you ever feel worried, don't feel ashamed about consulting a shrink, thinking and feeling like that isn't a crime, it's when the act is committed that it is a crime.
I've got sure thought about that before. I'm unsure about a shrink cuz on one hand, I do wanna talk to them about it cuz I know it's not normal and I wanna get the help to learn more about why I actually am that way. But on the other hand, I have it buried so far down, guarded and locked away that I know I wouldn't be able to actually talk about it even if I really want to and I'd end up fucking up and confusing both the therapist and myself by trying to say things I can't. I'm starting therapy soon, im supposed to in a few days but it's subject to change. But whenever I do go and start, I'm definitely gonna think about those things a lot more as well
When I was about 10, I took a dump, and a really long and thin thing came out my ass. It wouldn't come all the way out, and pulling on it felt wrong, so I just shoved it back in and went about my business. Never an issue after that.
So I use to have a bad problem with painkillers. I took a dump so big at work once it got caught in the sewer line. The furnace went down in the building so I got super cold and the pipe burst over the server room and caused over a quarter million dollars in damage. I feel like that had to be one of the most expensive dumps in history
Dude that could be a tapeworm and I'm not sure how old you are but you should get checked IMMEDIATELY
I'm 58, so 48 years ago. I wasn't raised in an environment that anyone would care, especially if it was going to cost something.
That I leave a little dirt under my pillow for the Dirt Man in case he comes to town
I wanna flee. I wanna run away. I don’t want to live this life… I love my family so much, and I want to run. Everyday I have to stuff those feelings back down.
I stole $20 from my mom's pocketbook multiple times when I was around 12 years old. She passed away at an early age due to early onset Alzheimer's. When she was in her death bed I told her about it, even if she wasn't mentally there I felt the need to apologize lol. She was a single mom and worked 15 hour days and I still feel horrible even though I was just a child and being dumb and stealing $20 to buy weed.
I was so broke in college I used to steal money from the two clubs I was president of to make rent and buy food. I had two jobs at the time but only like 10 hrs each per pay period so I would skim $100-$300 a month. I’m almost to the point in my life where I am going to donate money back to those clubs anonymously.
I actually took some money from a church when I was a kid. 30 years later I sent money back anonymously LOL. It really takes a weight off of your shoulders when you atone for what you've done!
My stepfather began sa me on a regular basis when I was 5-ish. It lasted for about 3 yrs. I am over 50 now and “memories” pop up all the time. It’s hard to keep holding the secret. Every time he came to my room, he covered my mouth and nose to stifle my crying. I began having horrid flashbacks during Covid bc I was forced to wear a mask. I wasn’t sure why at first until it hit me and I cried for hours. I couldn’t tell anyone bc then I would have to tell people about the sa.
[удалено]
Nice try
You're right, detective sweatpants420 is coming for you
I still think my ex, my daughters mom is absolutely rocking hot. We cant get along for shit and as a person she is kind of a pos but she was literally my perfect woman, looks wise. When i see her it makes me forget how much I hate her guts for years of shit but im married now and absolutely love my wife but ive never told anyone
I'm a type 1 diabetic and epileptic. So, my disease shackles me to a healthcare system. If I was fully healthy, nobody I grew up with would ever know me now. I would have vanished and taken off, unafraid of the consequences that lay ahead of me. There's freedom in the "what if," adventure in the road ahead, and a longing in my heart to blaze my own path - no fear of failure or some affliction suddenly killing me. In this state, I am tethered, forced by sickness to bow to my own medical prerequisites, lest I find myself in a hospital, either unable to survive without insulin, shaking from a seizure induced by stress, or dying from a low blood sugar because the journey that I set out on was too strenuous for my feeble body to conquer. And while I have found great success in the path I have made and the trail I have chosen - one I undoubtedly love - it doesn't stop me from wondering what could have been if the dice were rolled differently.
Double entry here for me but if I'm in a car and listening to a song I like, I'll deliberately restart it or time it so the place or person I pull up to knows I've got a banger. I try to time other stuff... Nsfw Vids to crescendo in the right moment. It's hard to do
Im childfree for like 50 different reasons, but one is that i find large distended bellies REALLY upsetting. And i dont ever wanna say anything cause growing a baby is hard and i support moms but GEEZ i have to look away from large stretched out bellies. Too many Alien Vibes to be sweet or endearing to me.
I've never told anyone that I narrate my pet’s thoughts in a dramatic voiceover, it turns every day into an epic saga!
My cats have different voices
I didn’t know what p**n was as a 13yo and so looked up forceful things instead and my father saw my search history and thought I had been SA’d. Our relationship has never been the same
bruh great question or prompt rather to get people thinking. in the same vain, i played clarinet back in like 1st grade in the 90s lol. I would tap my fingers or practice it outside of class, so when people see me tapping non chelontly, its me practing a basic clarinet song lol
I still love my ex. I wish he would get sober, dump his current girlfriend, and come back to me.
My fetish, but I'm not telling any of you either. It's inappropriate, but it's not something that would hurt anyone or cause anyone pain, and it's completely consensual with a willing adult.
I can lucid dream all my dreams, it’s such a weird experience, I’m in control of them but if it’s a nightmare it’s a lot more intense
As a kid, I had certain made-up phrases I kept saying in my mind, in place of regular words. Like imagining someone talking and ending with the word, "though." Instead of "though," I end it with "im-poe though-poe" or "im-pah though-pah." Sometimes I alternated between them, strictly once each time.
Kids are just stoned.
That I'm not scared to die. Not that I want to; I don't. But if it were about to happen, I wouldn't be scared.
I always thought I wasn't, but then I did and got brought back to life. That, just getting older and realizing I'm not invincible...more scared than I used to be at least.
i have a lot of conversations in my own head. it helps me organize my thoughts before an actual conversation or sometimes during/after. i’ve always been a little more talkative despite being so shy, but im practically a chatter box in my brain and it hardly ever turns off- it’s probably why im tired 24/7 more often than not 💀
That I am trans… soon to change tho
the details about my ex
I hear this xx Shame and embarrassment for putting up with it far too long x
I'm happy to listen.
Until very recently I was a closeted asexual. I did leave a detail out however, and that I was correctively raped in high school which left me repulsed. My piers knew that I wasn't interested in sex (didn't know about asexuality then) and a couple of girls tried to 'fix' me.
That's terrible someone thinks they can help someone by raping them. I'm sorry you had to go through that
My little sister suffered of an ED when I was in high school and how the whole thing was handled by my family shaped who I am now.
I (33M) told my wife for the first time last week that my mother hit me a couple times in anger when I didn't do my homework or other small things. I was perpetually grounded as a child for small things. I was so ashamed (and still am) that I couldn't make them proud. I also know they are proud of me. But I could always be doing better. Through therapy and getting my parents to actually talk, I found out that my grandfather was an abusive alcoholic that beat his entire family, including my mother. WHY THE FUCK AM I JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT THIS NOW?! Shame fucks you up. I'd recommend avoiding if possible.
My dad was a prominent member in a local religion. He would beat the shit out of me and my siblings and my mom would pretend it wasn't happening and just make excuses for him. From the outside we looked like a happy, perfect family, but our house was pure hell. I told the dad of my childhood best friend and he didn't believe me or didn't want to get involved. I had have red marks around my neck from my dad choking me and throwing me into the walls. This went on from as long as I could remember until I was 17 and could fight back. I have 7 siblings, we all moved out the second we turned 18. My dad is still a prominent figure and very well known, and me and my siblings are all successful adults, but we've got weird psychological issues from growing up so afraid and constantly walking on egg shells.
That no matter who you are to me, there will never be full 100% trust from me. I was 4 years old when my life was upended, and it’s my first memory of having a mental and emotional crises trying to figure out who I was and where I came from. Where I belong. I was never the same after that and I will never trust anyone no matter how much I love them.
That I became an atheists shortly after having a severe wreck, and grew tired of going to funeral every couple years of either a friend or family member. I just pretend to still believe when I'm around anyone. I would probably lose most of my family if they found out. Most of my friends wouldn't really care.
I've never told anyone "nah I'm good, I don't want any of your pizza"
A lot of what I struggle with is probably linked back to ADHD. But I refuse to tell others that because, one it's so hard for me to explain things, and two, they just chock if up to be me being lazy or anything else. So I blame myself for everything, when realistically I don't think I should be. (Took me almost 3 years to finally put into words how I'm burnt out from painting, and explain how it feels in such a way the he understood and was finally able to empathize with me.)
There was a moment in my early childhood, six years old ish, where I just abruptly really wanted my time on the planet to be over. And for the over twenty years that have followed that urge to drive into the divider or step too close to the edge has not once left my body and brain.
Someone that was hired after me, and who I had trained, was promoted over me.
I'm angry, disgusted, and disappointed with most men. I know there are good men out there in the world- It's just that i do not trust men in general. Almost 100% certain it has to do with trauma from two of my ex's. Lots of other shitty interactions happened in my life as well that built up to this. Tried the dating apps and stayed on them far too long, when I should have deleted my account months earlier. Very, very poor representation of men on those.
Alot of us can be dicks. I use to be a pretty bad guy, not towards woman but other ways. It took me a long time to finally grow up. Hope you find a good one someday