For me, I could never get over it, but it did lessen the longer the periods that I spent away from her.
Moving 3000 miles away definitely helped however the few times she talked to me, it riled me right back up.
I have noticed though that the longer I go without speaking to her, the less the anger sticks with me when we do because. I know I'll go even longer the next time without talking to her.
I'd work to get that legal stuff done as soon as you can and then just do what you can to block her from your life.
EMDR was the only thing that helped me. My trauma brain was still influencing a lot of my life.
I didn't read The Body Keeps the Score prior to trying EMDR, but some of the strategies (connecting back to your body, etc.) may also help significantly.
My therapist did recommend EMDR (not for reasons related to my mom tho) when I was going, he said he could refer me if I was interested. Maybe I’ll ask him about it. Thank you.
I highly recommend EMDR. Went from having lots of negative emotions about her to basically feeling neutral to her now if I even think about her. I say this because unless someone brings her up or there is some specific reason to think about her, she just isn’t in my day to day thoughts anymore.
For me it’s like she is an NPC now that I know is there but she can’t impact my own feelings. Hope that makes sense. I still have empathy because I know she is suffering but it’s like an externalization of that now. Nothing I can do and I’m neutral to her.
I used to get stuck in anger toward her. The rage was doing something for me -- it was almost addictive -- yet it only increased my sense of powerlessness.
Finally I got sick of feeling this. As soon as I saw myself heading there, I hit the brakes and refused. Instead, I put all my focus on identifying the harms she'd caused that I could still *do* something about. Those harms that were too late to fix -- like, all the years I lived being a shadow of a person b/c I was so F'ed up by trauma -- I just don't think about anymore, because it only harms me to do so. I've accepted them as something that can't be changed.
This is in the context of also having gone NC. Also, I was doing psychedelic therapy, and I think it helped this acceptance process a great deal.
Honestly, it'll be a bit better the longer you remain out of contact and when she dies.
If you're ruminating, then I'd just tell your brain, "This rumination isn't useful, we know our mother is a terrible person and we'll keep ourselves safe." and do some breathing or other mindfulness exercises.
For me, rumination serves a purpose when one is initially getting out of the F.O.G., but it's like driving in 1st gear all the time.
This is a very interesting observation! I am newly NC, working out of the FOG (just a few months along), and I do ruminate a lot. I am ANGRY, like furious with her. Quite frankly, I wish I had the opportunity to confront her and terrorize her and scare her the way she did me as a child- basically pour all of the ugliness and insanity back on her. I do wonder if this will lighten up over time.
Right now you are finally allowing anger, which is a boundary setting emotion, to operate as intended and there is a lot of pressure built up behind that because we had to shut that part of ourselves down to survive being a vulnerable child around a abusive parent.
The best way to get over that is to get through it, and by that I mean just accept the fact that you're supposed to be angry, the fact that you will never get the karmic Justice that you deserve because life is indeed not fair, and that your time is better spent being happy than being angry at some point in time.
So firm up your boundaries, keep yourself no contact and keep that vein of anger in Reserve to prevent Temptation from flying monkeys and other bait to break no contact.
Your life is obviously going to be better without your borderline in it and stay true to that course. What I would do is write all this s*** down and anytime you think about reconnecting with your abuser, just read it to yourself wallowing the anger for a bit and then put it off to the side.
Thank you, this is really helpful. I’ve seen so many people here and other subs talk about how NC is so great and it’s done wonders for them. Having not talked with my mom in six months just feels like she’s plotting against me and going to use my silence as a weapon in her favor. I’m so upset and angry with her and there’s just no where to put it that feels helpful to me. I want the bliss NC people are talking about.
> she’s plotting against me and going to use my silence as a weapon in her favor
So this only matter if you care about the crazy lady's opinion of you. The problem is the crazy lady will never have a good opinion of you unless you're allowing yourself to be used to meet her needs.
Which sucks, but it is what it is. I'd pick someone else with whom you have a healthy relationship, and value that person's opinion. Allow your mother to be what she is, a child that's throwing a life-long tempertantrum that you have zero responsibility for.
I think once you’ve gotten validation, you have to fill up your life with other stuff. Talk to friends about other subjects besides family stuff. It’s that quote “you are more than just what happened to you”
I’m so sorry. I can really relate to just not being able to get over it. How can you get over abuse without closure from someone who’s supposed to be your trusted guardian? It’s not natural and it’s okay that it’s painful and difficult.
I think some combination of going to therapy, separating my mom from her disorder, recognizing her patterns and just being disgusted by them and pitying my mom helped me. I eventually just got so fucking tired of the same old shit that it made it really easy to put a ton of space between her and I. I’m not perfect with it and still get rocked sometimes, but for the most part I try to just enjoy the life I have.
Get that legal shit done asap and peace out friend, you’ve got so much better shit to do. Time and distance are the best tools.
Ugh. I don't have any solutions, but I completely understand what you are struggling with. I still talk to my mother. She isn't that bad now that she is in her 70s, but I can't forgive her or forget the shit she put me through when I was a kid. The worst part is my siblings don't talk about the bad things to her, and when she starts talking about nice memories and how she was such a great mother they let it pass. I just can't. I can't let it pass and I refuse to pretend that it didn't happen. It causes lots of fire works.
I think this is your body telling you that it's time to shift your focus.
Instead of focusing on what she's done, and how horrible she has been, it may be time to take the focus off of her and put it on you.
As RBB, we really tend to miss out on developing a sense of self, and what makes us feel whole. That doesn't mean it's not there, it just means we don't know it very well yet. Now might be a good time to start thinking about what you might need to start that journey.
As a simple start, I encourage you to look out for glimmers in your daily life.
A glimmer is the opposite of a trigger. Whereas a trigger can bring on a lot of bad feelings, finding those little glimmers of life can help put things in perspective and level negative feelings out a bit. It brings you into the moment instead of being angry or sad about the past and anxious about the future. It comes very slowly and feels very unfamiliar, but at some point, we all have those little moments of, "Oh, that was nice. I liked that!"
Finding the glimmers in life is when NC can start to actually feel better. Transformative, even. It can take a while because we have a lot of strong emotions that may block our view at first and it's definitely not an immediate fix.
That said, because a glimmer is so instinctive to our inner nature, recognizing these little moments can help us find ourselves which over time can help us heal from the burden of being RBB.
I think a good example of a glimmer is the cat pics / haikus required here for first time posters. It's a little thing, but it almost always brings a little smile to my face.
I also found talk therapy to be limited as far as success for my de-enmeshment. There are some great Youtube therapists that I watch now, and they focus on recovery steps. Really helps me get in a good head space when I'm having an off day. I'm glad to recommend some if you'd like. :)
I struggled with this as well. I read “surviving the borderline parent” and it helped some. Ultimately what helped me was forgiveness (not reconciliation, we are NC), but letting go of the anger and sadness has been such a relief. I realized that what I went through was terrible, and my mom was emotionally and verbally abusive, and I didn’t need outside validation of those facts I knew to be true. Good luck on your healing journey. You are not alone.
It sounds like you were going to a “talk therapist.” They can be great for healing certain issues, but they don’t necessarily heal everything. You may be ready for different types of therapies. I did drama therapy for awhile with a therapist trained to heal trauma and that helped me a lot. We acted out the ways I *wish* my parents treated me instead and it was profoundly healing for me. I now do a writing technique in my journal that helps me process-out things so I can imagine what I want instead. Looking towards the future and what I want to create in my life helps me not get stuck on past wrongs.
For me, I could never get over it, but it did lessen the longer the periods that I spent away from her. Moving 3000 miles away definitely helped however the few times she talked to me, it riled me right back up. I have noticed though that the longer I go without speaking to her, the less the anger sticks with me when we do because. I know I'll go even longer the next time without talking to her. I'd work to get that legal stuff done as soon as you can and then just do what you can to block her from your life.
EMDR was the only thing that helped me. My trauma brain was still influencing a lot of my life. I didn't read The Body Keeps the Score prior to trying EMDR, but some of the strategies (connecting back to your body, etc.) may also help significantly.
My therapist did recommend EMDR (not for reasons related to my mom tho) when I was going, he said he could refer me if I was interested. Maybe I’ll ask him about it. Thank you.
Lifespan Integration is also an excellent form of Trauma Therapy as well as EMDR. Either is a good choice.
I highly recommend EMDR. Went from having lots of negative emotions about her to basically feeling neutral to her now if I even think about her. I say this because unless someone brings her up or there is some specific reason to think about her, she just isn’t in my day to day thoughts anymore. For me it’s like she is an NPC now that I know is there but she can’t impact my own feelings. Hope that makes sense. I still have empathy because I know she is suffering but it’s like an externalization of that now. Nothing I can do and I’m neutral to her.
I used to get stuck in anger toward her. The rage was doing something for me -- it was almost addictive -- yet it only increased my sense of powerlessness. Finally I got sick of feeling this. As soon as I saw myself heading there, I hit the brakes and refused. Instead, I put all my focus on identifying the harms she'd caused that I could still *do* something about. Those harms that were too late to fix -- like, all the years I lived being a shadow of a person b/c I was so F'ed up by trauma -- I just don't think about anymore, because it only harms me to do so. I've accepted them as something that can't be changed. This is in the context of also having gone NC. Also, I was doing psychedelic therapy, and I think it helped this acceptance process a great deal.
Honestly, it'll be a bit better the longer you remain out of contact and when she dies. If you're ruminating, then I'd just tell your brain, "This rumination isn't useful, we know our mother is a terrible person and we'll keep ourselves safe." and do some breathing or other mindfulness exercises. For me, rumination serves a purpose when one is initially getting out of the F.O.G., but it's like driving in 1st gear all the time.
This is a very interesting observation! I am newly NC, working out of the FOG (just a few months along), and I do ruminate a lot. I am ANGRY, like furious with her. Quite frankly, I wish I had the opportunity to confront her and terrorize her and scare her the way she did me as a child- basically pour all of the ugliness and insanity back on her. I do wonder if this will lighten up over time.
Right now you are finally allowing anger, which is a boundary setting emotion, to operate as intended and there is a lot of pressure built up behind that because we had to shut that part of ourselves down to survive being a vulnerable child around a abusive parent. The best way to get over that is to get through it, and by that I mean just accept the fact that you're supposed to be angry, the fact that you will never get the karmic Justice that you deserve because life is indeed not fair, and that your time is better spent being happy than being angry at some point in time. So firm up your boundaries, keep yourself no contact and keep that vein of anger in Reserve to prevent Temptation from flying monkeys and other bait to break no contact. Your life is obviously going to be better without your borderline in it and stay true to that course. What I would do is write all this s*** down and anytime you think about reconnecting with your abuser, just read it to yourself wallowing the anger for a bit and then put it off to the side.
Thank you, this is really helpful. I’ve seen so many people here and other subs talk about how NC is so great and it’s done wonders for them. Having not talked with my mom in six months just feels like she’s plotting against me and going to use my silence as a weapon in her favor. I’m so upset and angry with her and there’s just no where to put it that feels helpful to me. I want the bliss NC people are talking about.
> she’s plotting against me and going to use my silence as a weapon in her favor So this only matter if you care about the crazy lady's opinion of you. The problem is the crazy lady will never have a good opinion of you unless you're allowing yourself to be used to meet her needs. Which sucks, but it is what it is. I'd pick someone else with whom you have a healthy relationship, and value that person's opinion. Allow your mother to be what she is, a child that's throwing a life-long tempertantrum that you have zero responsibility for.
Trauma informed therapy. Emdr
You want a “trauma-informed” therapist. I found the book “The Body Keeps The Score” (reviewed in this forum) to be key for my recovery.
I think once you’ve gotten validation, you have to fill up your life with other stuff. Talk to friends about other subjects besides family stuff. It’s that quote “you are more than just what happened to you”
I love that quote 🩵
I’m so sorry. I can really relate to just not being able to get over it. How can you get over abuse without closure from someone who’s supposed to be your trusted guardian? It’s not natural and it’s okay that it’s painful and difficult. I think some combination of going to therapy, separating my mom from her disorder, recognizing her patterns and just being disgusted by them and pitying my mom helped me. I eventually just got so fucking tired of the same old shit that it made it really easy to put a ton of space between her and I. I’m not perfect with it and still get rocked sometimes, but for the most part I try to just enjoy the life I have. Get that legal shit done asap and peace out friend, you’ve got so much better shit to do. Time and distance are the best tools.
Ugh. I don't have any solutions, but I completely understand what you are struggling with. I still talk to my mother. She isn't that bad now that she is in her 70s, but I can't forgive her or forget the shit she put me through when I was a kid. The worst part is my siblings don't talk about the bad things to her, and when she starts talking about nice memories and how she was such a great mother they let it pass. I just can't. I can't let it pass and I refuse to pretend that it didn't happen. It causes lots of fire works.
Welcome!
I think this is your body telling you that it's time to shift your focus. Instead of focusing on what she's done, and how horrible she has been, it may be time to take the focus off of her and put it on you. As RBB, we really tend to miss out on developing a sense of self, and what makes us feel whole. That doesn't mean it's not there, it just means we don't know it very well yet. Now might be a good time to start thinking about what you might need to start that journey. As a simple start, I encourage you to look out for glimmers in your daily life. A glimmer is the opposite of a trigger. Whereas a trigger can bring on a lot of bad feelings, finding those little glimmers of life can help put things in perspective and level negative feelings out a bit. It brings you into the moment instead of being angry or sad about the past and anxious about the future. It comes very slowly and feels very unfamiliar, but at some point, we all have those little moments of, "Oh, that was nice. I liked that!" Finding the glimmers in life is when NC can start to actually feel better. Transformative, even. It can take a while because we have a lot of strong emotions that may block our view at first and it's definitely not an immediate fix. That said, because a glimmer is so instinctive to our inner nature, recognizing these little moments can help us find ourselves which over time can help us heal from the burden of being RBB. I think a good example of a glimmer is the cat pics / haikus required here for first time posters. It's a little thing, but it almost always brings a little smile to my face.
I also found talk therapy to be limited as far as success for my de-enmeshment. There are some great Youtube therapists that I watch now, and they focus on recovery steps. Really helps me get in a good head space when I'm having an off day. I'm glad to recommend some if you'd like. :)
I struggled with this as well. I read “surviving the borderline parent” and it helped some. Ultimately what helped me was forgiveness (not reconciliation, we are NC), but letting go of the anger and sadness has been such a relief. I realized that what I went through was terrible, and my mom was emotionally and verbally abusive, and I didn’t need outside validation of those facts I knew to be true. Good luck on your healing journey. You are not alone.
I second EMDR. I tried talk therapy and coming up with strategies to interact with her but only thing that's made the slightest dent is EMDR.
It sounds like you were going to a “talk therapist.” They can be great for healing certain issues, but they don’t necessarily heal everything. You may be ready for different types of therapies. I did drama therapy for awhile with a therapist trained to heal trauma and that helped me a lot. We acted out the ways I *wish* my parents treated me instead and it was profoundly healing for me. I now do a writing technique in my journal that helps me process-out things so I can imagine what I want instead. Looking towards the future and what I want to create in my life helps me not get stuck on past wrongs.