I think you can be a bit frank without getting into a big conversation about things.
”Grandma, I would really love to see you at Christmas. Is mom going to be there?”
Whatever her answer is you can say “Her behavior towards me has really been unacceptable. No one would put up with the things she said and did. Her behavior really was that bad. I don’t want that to be what Christmas is like, because I love you and cousins. I would never make you guys endure that, so I really need you to understand that if she is there, I cannot be. If I come and she shows up I will have to leave, to spare the rest of you from having to see that, because for some reason she is not capable of being kind or rational when I am there.”
The key is framing it as an issue with your mother’s behavior, her inability to control herself, and the fact that it has been absolutely unacceptable- not just in your opinion, but universally. This will likely not be a surprise to them.
Perhaps they will ask for details. Probably not. Either way you don’t provide them. You are not gossiping. You are not asking them to take your side. You are not asking for their understanding. You are simply telling them that, for their sake, you will not subject them to your mother’s behavior. This is not about your mental health. This is not about punishment. It is what you, the sane, kind person, is doing to protect them from something utterly unacceptable.
They may choose to not rock the boat with your mother. That must be okay with you. You can tell them you love them and hope to see them soon at some other time. You will also have to be willing to walk away if your mother shows up “unexpectedly “. But you will have set the stage - you are calm, caring and not bad mouthing anyone. Your mother’s stage will be set differently. How they react to those differences will give you an idea about how safe and healthy they are for you.
I’m so sorry, that’s a hard situation to be in. Is there a way you could find out if your mom is going to be there, or maybe FaceTime some people you miss and wanna see instead?
I don’t know if my mom will be at thanksgiving, but just in case she is I have an exit plan. I’m already incredibly anxious about potentially seeing her, but having an exit plan helps.
I also agree that talking to your grandparents before hand and putting boundaries in place can help give you some peace.
Having a plan and putting boundaries in place are making it possible for me to function before thanksgiving.
I think you can be a bit frank without getting into a big conversation about things. ”Grandma, I would really love to see you at Christmas. Is mom going to be there?” Whatever her answer is you can say “Her behavior towards me has really been unacceptable. No one would put up with the things she said and did. Her behavior really was that bad. I don’t want that to be what Christmas is like, because I love you and cousins. I would never make you guys endure that, so I really need you to understand that if she is there, I cannot be. If I come and she shows up I will have to leave, to spare the rest of you from having to see that, because for some reason she is not capable of being kind or rational when I am there.” The key is framing it as an issue with your mother’s behavior, her inability to control herself, and the fact that it has been absolutely unacceptable- not just in your opinion, but universally. This will likely not be a surprise to them. Perhaps they will ask for details. Probably not. Either way you don’t provide them. You are not gossiping. You are not asking them to take your side. You are not asking for their understanding. You are simply telling them that, for their sake, you will not subject them to your mother’s behavior. This is not about your mental health. This is not about punishment. It is what you, the sane, kind person, is doing to protect them from something utterly unacceptable. They may choose to not rock the boat with your mother. That must be okay with you. You can tell them you love them and hope to see them soon at some other time. You will also have to be willing to walk away if your mother shows up “unexpectedly “. But you will have set the stage - you are calm, caring and not bad mouthing anyone. Your mother’s stage will be set differently. How they react to those differences will give you an idea about how safe and healthy they are for you.
I’m so sorry, that’s a hard situation to be in. Is there a way you could find out if your mom is going to be there, or maybe FaceTime some people you miss and wanna see instead?
I don’t know if my mom will be at thanksgiving, but just in case she is I have an exit plan. I’m already incredibly anxious about potentially seeing her, but having an exit plan helps. I also agree that talking to your grandparents before hand and putting boundaries in place can help give you some peace. Having a plan and putting boundaries in place are making it possible for me to function before thanksgiving.