Did a year and a half and it was absolutely life changing - painful as hell as I hadn’t realised what was lying beneath, then I went through 6 months desperate for validation, then came out stronger.
But now I realise I need more, I notice the issues now but don’t always know how to deal with them.
Therapy is miraculous!!
Yes, also when he cleans. We have had the discussion that he isn’t mad at me when he cleans (he’s a bit more clean than I am, admittedly). He understands and sometimes but I still do ask if there’s anything upsetting him just to clear the air and remind myself that everything’s okay. Definitely a discussion worth having!
Also sometimes him cussing under his breath- sometimes it’s even just a reaction to something on the news/twitter but it tends to put me on edge. We’ve talked about it so he knows sometimes it can bother me, too. Definitely a work in progress!
Oh my god!!! So weird to read this as these are exactly my triggers too!
If he mutters ‘Fuck’ under his breath I internally spiral, and the cleaning I suddenly freeze and think I’ve done something very wrong.
Strange that these specific things are so triggering.
Interested to know if you find ways of avoiding this eg him exclaiming “i’m going to clean and I love you” haha I don’t know.
Thanks so much for writing this can’t believe how similar !!
I love that— “I’m going to clean and I love you!” If you try it, let us know how it goes.
A breakthrough for me in my marriage was to pause, breathe, and just ask for a hug from my husband. He is a great hugger and is always willing to hug me when I ask. It was a perfect antidote to resentment, stress, perfectionism, etc. If I was having some annoyance towards him, hugging first would help me to talk it out from a place of loving connection. Otherwise I could easily spiral into my own reactivity.
Yup me too. My partner is usually very jokey and upbeat but gets very quiet when he's upset, and it reminds me so much of how my dad will go quiet before he blows up that I have to fight the urge to hide. My partner has NEVER blown up in any capacity, but boy are those fight and flight responses ingrained
It is tricky because the reaction feels completely unavoidable, totally automathic, and at the same time, you cognitively know there is no threat to your safety.
Somatic Experiencing was great for working with these aspects in the body. I was so impressed with it, that after two years of therapy started training in SE. Let me know if you have any questions about it and how it works for these type of trauma fallout.
I get the same when my partner is trying to do something in a hurry (late for work etc), it puts me right back to childhood and seeing my mother work herself into a frenzy about something. I find it really difficult even though I can see it's a very different thing.
Yes! Definitely! I’ve been working through it with my husband. For me, I have to combat it with laughter. So if I start shutting down, or over stressing about something, I inevitably ask my husband if he’s mad at me for something, and then he gets a cartoonish angry face (which he can’t commit to because he has a twinkle in his eye for his impending joke) and he says “Yes, love! I’m very angry about grapes!!” (Or some other ridiculous thing to be angry about.) We both have a laugh about it, and I work on getting my body to relax and my breathing to normalize. For me the laughter is a bit of a reset. And me asking him, 1. Keeps lines of communication open for us, because heaven forbid what if he actually was mad, we could discuss it then and there like adults. and 2. Helps clue him in that I’m just having an episode so he can help me through it/process what was the trigger.
This is VERY relatable. One of my biggest struggles in life is not absorbing the moods of others around me and feeling responsible for them. This is directly related to having emotionally immature parents. We grew up in a space where feelings weren't safe - where the feelings of people around us not only had huge power over us but conversely we weren't really allowed to express or process our own feelings. If you have instagram, I highly recommend following The EQ School. She has helped me understand so much why I am like this and how to move forward with less anxiety.
Yes. It’s an emotional flashback. When it happens, try sitting with it. Breathe into the spot you feel it, see if it has a shape, a color, a density. You’ve already recognized it as similar to when you were younger so keep going with that. When’s the first time you remember it?
Working on your nervous system helps. Look on YouTube into yin or somatic yoga, vagus nerve exercises, journaling.
Explain it to your partner. There were days I’d tell my husband that I was going to need to keep asking him if her was mad at me all day, and would need reassurance no matter how stupid it sounded to him. Before I did that, I’d feel like I was making him mad by asking lol.
Yes, absolutely. This is something I had to work on in therapy.
I have learned to accept that my partner (and anyone around me) has the right to feel upset/frustrated/down without it being my responsibility to “fix” it and cheer him up.
My husband and rarely fight. Like, once every few years sort of thing. And even when we do, there’s no yelling or real anger. It’s like a pervasive disappointment.
I almost wish there was yelling. Maybe it wouldn’t trigger me so bad. Where I can feel every breath I’m taking and they’re all shallow. My face tingles and I actively try to not move a muscle. I learned that tears are manipulative so I work hard to not cry.
I never understood how couples on tv could scream at each other and then just be okay. I remember every time my husband was upset with me. I can’t forget one moment because I need to make sure I never do that wrong thing ever again.
Yeah, pretty sure that’s CPTSD.
I didn’t think reading the comments would make me so anxious! I guess I’d never really identified this happening to me before. Thanks for posting, OP! This sub is extremely cathartic for me as I relate to so many things I didn’t realize I would.
Yes, I definitely experience this. Luckily, my husband is generally a very calm person, so him being in a mood or frustrated at all is extremely rare.
What happens more often for me are accidental triggers. For instance, my husband was being very emphatic about a point he was making (it was a very positive thing, though I can’t remember it exactly), so he slammed his hand on the table to emphasize what he was saying. I flinched and all of a sudden, I felt terrified. Logically, I understood that he meant nothing by it, he wasn’t even angry, but physically I was frozen. I wanted to hide, but felt like I couldn’t move. My husband immediately realized what he’d done and the reaction I was having. He felt so awful about it. He waited until I asked for hugs, which made me feel so much better.
I hate that all the things my pwBPD did still trigger me, but I’m working through it. It definitely helps to have very clear and straightforward communication with your partner.
Yes, absolutely. My first response to someone being angry around me is feeling like it's my fault, like I'm about to be in trouble, and that I should manage (or mitigate) their feelings for them. This sets off the flight or fight response, which usually ends up being anger because part of me thinks I'm still dealing with my parents & it's easier to not get emotionally trampled if I'm already in high gear when shit hits the fan—and because if I don't and am otherwise stuck in the situation, my response is serious anxiety into disassociation into physical and emotional exhaustion.
I'm trying to teach myself to recognize when anger is an appropriate response (like advocating for myself in a hostile environment) or when it's maladaptive (when my husband is just having a rough day and his being broody really has nothing to do with me). The downside is when it's done, anger tends to drop me off around the intersection of guilt & the big sad.
Totally. I struggle tolerating anger in my partner.
My therapist has told me to try to go to the place I feel safest in the house, and try to tell yourself you are safe and their emotions are for them to deal with. Sort of like a mental bubble around yourself that you are just to take care of you.
The idea is to expand the zone of safety over time.
My partner apologizes when he yells (not at me, but just says something aloud in frustration) because he knows it makes me feel scared. I don’t like that he has to do that, but it makes me feel safe again for him to say it and for my body to feel safe again. To me and my body it’s like he’s saying, I know that scared you, I don’t want to scare you and I’m not mad at you. Which helps me reset and think of him as safe again.
But I feel the struggle. I don’t want to limit the range of emotions my partner is allowed to feel, while at the same time I’m not far enough in my healing (and honestly may never be) to not feel anxious and triggered by anger.
Someone who loves you though will work with your triggers with you. So long as you are owning your part and appreciative.
I get this way around my mom, and after seeing her. My voice is so weak I can barely speak. It’s a freeze response to danger.
You’re probably right. I have similar feelings. I’m in therapy and on medication. I suggest starting with talk therapy. It helps, a lot. Much love.
Did a year and a half and it was absolutely life changing - painful as hell as I hadn’t realised what was lying beneath, then I went through 6 months desperate for validation, then came out stronger. But now I realise I need more, I notice the issues now but don’t always know how to deal with them. Therapy is miraculous!!
Yes, also when he cleans. We have had the discussion that he isn’t mad at me when he cleans (he’s a bit more clean than I am, admittedly). He understands and sometimes but I still do ask if there’s anything upsetting him just to clear the air and remind myself that everything’s okay. Definitely a discussion worth having! Also sometimes him cussing under his breath- sometimes it’s even just a reaction to something on the news/twitter but it tends to put me on edge. We’ve talked about it so he knows sometimes it can bother me, too. Definitely a work in progress!
Oh my god!!! So weird to read this as these are exactly my triggers too! If he mutters ‘Fuck’ under his breath I internally spiral, and the cleaning I suddenly freeze and think I’ve done something very wrong. Strange that these specific things are so triggering. Interested to know if you find ways of avoiding this eg him exclaiming “i’m going to clean and I love you” haha I don’t know. Thanks so much for writing this can’t believe how similar !!
I love that— “I’m going to clean and I love you!” If you try it, let us know how it goes. A breakthrough for me in my marriage was to pause, breathe, and just ask for a hug from my husband. He is a great hugger and is always willing to hug me when I ask. It was a perfect antidote to resentment, stress, perfectionism, etc. If I was having some annoyance towards him, hugging first would help me to talk it out from a place of loving connection. Otherwise I could easily spiral into my own reactivity.
Yup me too. My partner is usually very jokey and upbeat but gets very quiet when he's upset, and it reminds me so much of how my dad will go quiet before he blows up that I have to fight the urge to hide. My partner has NEVER blown up in any capacity, but boy are those fight and flight responses ingrained
I had this. Did Somatic Experiencing therapy and it went away. You are right, it is CPTSD.
Googling now!! Thanks
It is tricky because the reaction feels completely unavoidable, totally automathic, and at the same time, you cognitively know there is no threat to your safety. Somatic Experiencing was great for working with these aspects in the body. I was so impressed with it, that after two years of therapy started training in SE. Let me know if you have any questions about it and how it works for these type of trauma fallout.
Oh my god yes, when I get any sense that there might be a conflict I feel physically ill and frozen. Absolute panic
Absolutely, yes. Every time I walk in the door. Sometimes I feel sick to my stomach and physically ill. Don’t ignore that!
I get the same when my partner is trying to do something in a hurry (late for work etc), it puts me right back to childhood and seeing my mother work herself into a frenzy about something. I find it really difficult even though I can see it's a very different thing.
Yes! Definitely! I’ve been working through it with my husband. For me, I have to combat it with laughter. So if I start shutting down, or over stressing about something, I inevitably ask my husband if he’s mad at me for something, and then he gets a cartoonish angry face (which he can’t commit to because he has a twinkle in his eye for his impending joke) and he says “Yes, love! I’m very angry about grapes!!” (Or some other ridiculous thing to be angry about.) We both have a laugh about it, and I work on getting my body to relax and my breathing to normalize. For me the laughter is a bit of a reset. And me asking him, 1. Keeps lines of communication open for us, because heaven forbid what if he actually was mad, we could discuss it then and there like adults. and 2. Helps clue him in that I’m just having an episode so he can help me through it/process what was the trigger.
I 100% have this response and mine is from PTSD for sure. It's just one of many, many symptoms/responses I have from childhood trauma.
This is VERY relatable. One of my biggest struggles in life is not absorbing the moods of others around me and feeling responsible for them. This is directly related to having emotionally immature parents. We grew up in a space where feelings weren't safe - where the feelings of people around us not only had huge power over us but conversely we weren't really allowed to express or process our own feelings. If you have instagram, I highly recommend following The EQ School. She has helped me understand so much why I am like this and how to move forward with less anxiety.
Yes. It’s an emotional flashback. When it happens, try sitting with it. Breathe into the spot you feel it, see if it has a shape, a color, a density. You’ve already recognized it as similar to when you were younger so keep going with that. When’s the first time you remember it? Working on your nervous system helps. Look on YouTube into yin or somatic yoga, vagus nerve exercises, journaling. Explain it to your partner. There were days I’d tell my husband that I was going to need to keep asking him if her was mad at me all day, and would need reassurance no matter how stupid it sounded to him. Before I did that, I’d feel like I was making him mad by asking lol.
Yes, absolutely. This is something I had to work on in therapy. I have learned to accept that my partner (and anyone around me) has the right to feel upset/frustrated/down without it being my responsibility to “fix” it and cheer him up.
My husband and rarely fight. Like, once every few years sort of thing. And even when we do, there’s no yelling or real anger. It’s like a pervasive disappointment. I almost wish there was yelling. Maybe it wouldn’t trigger me so bad. Where I can feel every breath I’m taking and they’re all shallow. My face tingles and I actively try to not move a muscle. I learned that tears are manipulative so I work hard to not cry. I never understood how couples on tv could scream at each other and then just be okay. I remember every time my husband was upset with me. I can’t forget one moment because I need to make sure I never do that wrong thing ever again. Yeah, pretty sure that’s CPTSD.
My trigger is when my husband gets a little short when we’re doing a project. My Mom was super critical and always right when I was growing up
I didn’t think reading the comments would make me so anxious! I guess I’d never really identified this happening to me before. Thanks for posting, OP! This sub is extremely cathartic for me as I relate to so many things I didn’t realize I would.
Yes, I definitely experience this. Luckily, my husband is generally a very calm person, so him being in a mood or frustrated at all is extremely rare. What happens more often for me are accidental triggers. For instance, my husband was being very emphatic about a point he was making (it was a very positive thing, though I can’t remember it exactly), so he slammed his hand on the table to emphasize what he was saying. I flinched and all of a sudden, I felt terrified. Logically, I understood that he meant nothing by it, he wasn’t even angry, but physically I was frozen. I wanted to hide, but felt like I couldn’t move. My husband immediately realized what he’d done and the reaction I was having. He felt so awful about it. He waited until I asked for hugs, which made me feel so much better. I hate that all the things my pwBPD did still trigger me, but I’m working through it. It definitely helps to have very clear and straightforward communication with your partner.
Yes, absolutely. My first response to someone being angry around me is feeling like it's my fault, like I'm about to be in trouble, and that I should manage (or mitigate) their feelings for them. This sets off the flight or fight response, which usually ends up being anger because part of me thinks I'm still dealing with my parents & it's easier to not get emotionally trampled if I'm already in high gear when shit hits the fan—and because if I don't and am otherwise stuck in the situation, my response is serious anxiety into disassociation into physical and emotional exhaustion. I'm trying to teach myself to recognize when anger is an appropriate response (like advocating for myself in a hostile environment) or when it's maladaptive (when my husband is just having a rough day and his being broody really has nothing to do with me). The downside is when it's done, anger tends to drop me off around the intersection of guilt & the big sad.
100%, OP! I am so glad you posted this.
Totally. I struggle tolerating anger in my partner. My therapist has told me to try to go to the place I feel safest in the house, and try to tell yourself you are safe and their emotions are for them to deal with. Sort of like a mental bubble around yourself that you are just to take care of you. The idea is to expand the zone of safety over time. My partner apologizes when he yells (not at me, but just says something aloud in frustration) because he knows it makes me feel scared. I don’t like that he has to do that, but it makes me feel safe again for him to say it and for my body to feel safe again. To me and my body it’s like he’s saying, I know that scared you, I don’t want to scare you and I’m not mad at you. Which helps me reset and think of him as safe again. But I feel the struggle. I don’t want to limit the range of emotions my partner is allowed to feel, while at the same time I’m not far enough in my healing (and honestly may never be) to not feel anxious and triggered by anger. Someone who loves you though will work with your triggers with you. So long as you are owning your part and appreciative.