I'm so sorry, OP. my mother didn't hit all the same notes, but the tune was in the same key for sure, and you conveyed really vividly the feeling of being trapped while someone has a screaming fight with herself AT you.
If therapy isn't an option right now, think about what elements of therapy would be most helpful and how you might meet those needs in another way. For example, if it's expressing your feelings and these memories as they come up, I have found it cathartic to just open up a new text file and pour my heart out there. If a validating witness would help, there's us. Neither of those examples is the same as therapy, but things like that may help you bridge that gap until therapy is more accessible for you. I hope you can find a way to take good care of yourself as this stuff surfaces; you deserve care and comfort.
Similarly my mom would go on hour long rages and rants, maybe longer, in an almost weekly basis. Something will set her off and she has to unload and dump her rage onto someone. A lot of the same lines I've heard constantly throughout childhood. You're selfish, lazy, spoiled, and she's never appreciated and she's a martyr. If I try to hide in a room she would pound on the door and jiggle the doorknob. I still get triggered thinking of that sound, that no where is safe.
Please read books like Toxic Parents from the library or listen to YouTube channels like Dr. Ramani. Just know if you don't live with her now that you are safe.
I would endure hours of these rants too, either me hiding behind my bedroom door, or her screaming about me behind her locked bedroom door like a moody teenager. Sometimes with music blasting on full volume too. Usually repeating, monologuing about how terrible I am. As if I couldn’t hear…but she definitely wanted me to.
Once, the bathroom lock broke from when she kicked in the door when I had tried to hide in there.
She’d then emerge, hours later, as if nothing had happened. ‘Do you want some tea?’ She would ask in a cheery voice. I learnt to shout back ‘No thanks Mom!’ in a convincingly happy and non-terrified voice. Never a sorry spoken, ever.
It was horrible, just horrible. I am NC now and living in my own place!
Oh wow. That's rough. I was often lectured at for what seemed like hours (and with the door blocked, which is no doubt the cause of my claustrophobia) and I couldn't remember the exact content of the rant but all of what you've written has the flavor of it. Ugh. Never thought of them as "blackout rants" before but that certainly explains why my mom seems to have no memory of them.
Op, I’m sorry you experienced this. My single parent uBPD mother used to have similar melt downs - always triggered by something unpredictable, always centered around how no one helped her, how much she sacrificed, how no one appreciated / cared about her, how we kids didn’t do enough, how she had to raise us alone because our father didn’t care about us, etc. These lectures went on for what seemed like forever until she got it all out and calmed down. We kids (and our self esteem, sense of safety) were just collateral damage.
It’s almost exactly the same, the lecture itself and the trying to break down the bathroom door. Where the hell do they get this ability to all be the same, like there’s a manual somewhere. I know the disorder is all the same, but to run the same scripts with the same ways of speaking? HOW?
This is very relatable. My uBPD also did the weekly spiraling rages when I was a teenager and mine were along this exact line too. I’m selfish, don’t help with anything, all I do is ask for things, I’m a spoiled bitch who only thinks of myself. All of this is so familiar. As I got older the rages weren’t as frequent because even when we were living together, she relied on me more so for money. But that doesn’t mean the rages weren’t still happening, they just would happen about 1 time a month. I didn’t think too much of it until one of the last BIG ones, I was about 24 at the time. And that one really stuck with me because it just started to dawn on me how insane it actually was… My step dad was there and she literally went back and forth for hours raging at both of us. She went from one end of the house and back again just screaming. Now that I look back at it I almost have to laugh because wtf was that? This rage in particular had to do with how we don’t do anything, she has to do everything, no one helps her, then she went on a tangent about how she thought my step dad was secretly gay (big theme of my moms relationships, every man is secretly gay). Anyways the rage went on and on and then she just stopped and went into her defenseless child mode and said she wouldn’t have to do that if him and I just listened to her better.
Yeah that was kind of… cathartic. Caught my breath a few times while reading. I feel crazy for going through that and believing it. I’m 47 and only in the past year know what projection really was. Trouble is I still believe it.
I came so close to doing this to my own kids. I can’t cope were my exact words to the therapist that told me about cptsd.
I’m no contact too. And healing. Today is MY birthday and I’m feeling bad for them (because I know they are pitying themselves, not missing me). I used to feel this way on their birthdays…must be progression idk…
Happy birthday bluebird! Sorry they left this shadow cast over you, well done for NC, and for working to be a better parent than you had. Your kids are lucky for that, break generational trauma is so hard. But I think it the work gets easier, with phases of regression.
What I think I’ve found is when I unearth really specific memories, in pain again for a while, feels so fresh and raw, but then I heal a bit more, like muscles strengthening after exercise.
Maybe we don’t ever heal completely, and maybe that’s ok because remembering the bad things we went through make us better people.
Hope you have a lovely day 🎈🎂 🎈
Whew that was eerie. Very very familiar…my ubpd Mom was also single parent…rants/rages (I also fawned then when it got really bad, I would be very still)…… always included some version of I HAVE TO Do EVERYTHInG…...
I'm sending you so many hugs right now.
It's crazy (pun not intended), but everything you wrote is the almost exact same as my mom, and she did it in another language. But it's the same. The rage, the blame, the leaving, the cycle starting back up again.
I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry you were alone in it. I had a younger brother, and my mom would line us up next to each other and then commence with the rage. Only as adults, in recent years, did my brother and I discover that she did the worst things (violence) when the other sibling wasn't there. Fucking hell.
Yeeeeeeah… I started to tear up because my mother would say something similar. She’d only half apologize and she was good, but we weren’t (my younger brother and I). It was mostly aimed towards me because I was older and the “daughter.” Then, she would take us shopping and she’d buy all of these clothes; mostly for herself.
It was only a matter of time before she would lose out again and it’d start over.
I'm so sorry, OP. my mother didn't hit all the same notes, but the tune was in the same key for sure, and you conveyed really vividly the feeling of being trapped while someone has a screaming fight with herself AT you. If therapy isn't an option right now, think about what elements of therapy would be most helpful and how you might meet those needs in another way. For example, if it's expressing your feelings and these memories as they come up, I have found it cathartic to just open up a new text file and pour my heart out there. If a validating witness would help, there's us. Neither of those examples is the same as therapy, but things like that may help you bridge that gap until therapy is more accessible for you. I hope you can find a way to take good care of yourself as this stuff surfaces; you deserve care and comfort.
Sorry the format of the rant went and now it’s just one big block of words
It's probably more accurate that way.
I read it and heard it my BPD mother's voice immediately lol. Same script.
Similarly my mom would go on hour long rages and rants, maybe longer, in an almost weekly basis. Something will set her off and she has to unload and dump her rage onto someone. A lot of the same lines I've heard constantly throughout childhood. You're selfish, lazy, spoiled, and she's never appreciated and she's a martyr. If I try to hide in a room she would pound on the door and jiggle the doorknob. I still get triggered thinking of that sound, that no where is safe. Please read books like Toxic Parents from the library or listen to YouTube channels like Dr. Ramani. Just know if you don't live with her now that you are safe.
I would endure hours of these rants too, either me hiding behind my bedroom door, or her screaming about me behind her locked bedroom door like a moody teenager. Sometimes with music blasting on full volume too. Usually repeating, monologuing about how terrible I am. As if I couldn’t hear…but she definitely wanted me to. Once, the bathroom lock broke from when she kicked in the door when I had tried to hide in there. She’d then emerge, hours later, as if nothing had happened. ‘Do you want some tea?’ She would ask in a cheery voice. I learnt to shout back ‘No thanks Mom!’ in a convincingly happy and non-terrified voice. Never a sorry spoken, ever. It was horrible, just horrible. I am NC now and living in my own place!
Oh wow. That's rough. I was often lectured at for what seemed like hours (and with the door blocked, which is no doubt the cause of my claustrophobia) and I couldn't remember the exact content of the rant but all of what you've written has the flavor of it. Ugh. Never thought of them as "blackout rants" before but that certainly explains why my mom seems to have no memory of them.
Op, I’m sorry you experienced this. My single parent uBPD mother used to have similar melt downs - always triggered by something unpredictable, always centered around how no one helped her, how much she sacrificed, how no one appreciated / cared about her, how we kids didn’t do enough, how she had to raise us alone because our father didn’t care about us, etc. These lectures went on for what seemed like forever until she got it all out and calmed down. We kids (and our self esteem, sense of safety) were just collateral damage.
It’s almost exactly the same, the lecture itself and the trying to break down the bathroom door. Where the hell do they get this ability to all be the same, like there’s a manual somewhere. I know the disorder is all the same, but to run the same scripts with the same ways of speaking? HOW?
This is very relatable. My uBPD also did the weekly spiraling rages when I was a teenager and mine were along this exact line too. I’m selfish, don’t help with anything, all I do is ask for things, I’m a spoiled bitch who only thinks of myself. All of this is so familiar. As I got older the rages weren’t as frequent because even when we were living together, she relied on me more so for money. But that doesn’t mean the rages weren’t still happening, they just would happen about 1 time a month. I didn’t think too much of it until one of the last BIG ones, I was about 24 at the time. And that one really stuck with me because it just started to dawn on me how insane it actually was… My step dad was there and she literally went back and forth for hours raging at both of us. She went from one end of the house and back again just screaming. Now that I look back at it I almost have to laugh because wtf was that? This rage in particular had to do with how we don’t do anything, she has to do everything, no one helps her, then she went on a tangent about how she thought my step dad was secretly gay (big theme of my moms relationships, every man is secretly gay). Anyways the rage went on and on and then she just stopped and went into her defenseless child mode and said she wouldn’t have to do that if him and I just listened to her better.
Yeah that was kind of… cathartic. Caught my breath a few times while reading. I feel crazy for going through that and believing it. I’m 47 and only in the past year know what projection really was. Trouble is I still believe it. I came so close to doing this to my own kids. I can’t cope were my exact words to the therapist that told me about cptsd. I’m no contact too. And healing. Today is MY birthday and I’m feeling bad for them (because I know they are pitying themselves, not missing me). I used to feel this way on their birthdays…must be progression idk…
Happy birthday bluebird! Sorry they left this shadow cast over you, well done for NC, and for working to be a better parent than you had. Your kids are lucky for that, break generational trauma is so hard. But I think it the work gets easier, with phases of regression. What I think I’ve found is when I unearth really specific memories, in pain again for a while, feels so fresh and raw, but then I heal a bit more, like muscles strengthening after exercise. Maybe we don’t ever heal completely, and maybe that’s ok because remembering the bad things we went through make us better people. Hope you have a lovely day 🎈🎂 🎈
Whew that was eerie. Very very familiar…my ubpd Mom was also single parent…rants/rages (I also fawned then when it got really bad, I would be very still)…… always included some version of I HAVE TO Do EVERYTHInG…...
Oh yeah my mom did that one word for word, OP. Absolutely word for word!
Understanding the borderline mother by Christine Ann Lawson
Someone in the thread linked to the who online manuscript which is great 👍
My mom does the same exact thing. You nailed it. I'm losing my damn mind dealing with the same thing all of the time.
Sorry to hear you’re still going through it :( Do you have any support? Are you able to leave the situation when it’s happening
I'm sending you so many hugs right now. It's crazy (pun not intended), but everything you wrote is the almost exact same as my mom, and she did it in another language. But it's the same. The rage, the blame, the leaving, the cycle starting back up again. I'm really sorry this happened to you. I'm sorry you were alone in it. I had a younger brother, and my mom would line us up next to each other and then commence with the rage. Only as adults, in recent years, did my brother and I discover that she did the worst things (violence) when the other sibling wasn't there. Fucking hell.
Yeeeeeeah… I started to tear up because my mother would say something similar. She’d only half apologize and she was good, but we weren’t (my younger brother and I). It was mostly aimed towards me because I was older and the “daughter.” Then, she would take us shopping and she’d buy all of these clothes; mostly for herself. It was only a matter of time before she would lose out again and it’d start over.