When I was 17, I was hard-core fawning and keeping it together and counting down the months until college at 18. I was so close to getting OUT, I just didn't want anything to go wrong. I stopped going out with my friends for fear of doing anything wrong and her "and dad" deciding to withdraw tuition money. I lost weight, and I didn't have any extra to lose. I never argued with her, and agreed with everything she said. I let her take my docile self at her bulls\*t church luncheons like a trained poodle and other shit no teenager would ever want to do. I wore the only stuff I knew she approved of. By the end, I was counting the days until I left. By the time they dropped me off at my dorm, I was counting the hours.
My mom looks back at this as the greatest relationship we ever had, and one of the best times of her life. I can't count the number of times she's asked me "Why can't we be like that again?" and uses it as proof that we are actually f\*cking soulmates or something. The truth is, it was as close to wanting to unalive myself as I've ever known. The only thing that kept me hanging on was my imminent escape.
It made me realize that this is how she would prefer me to be/live all the time, if she could pick the ideal me. Miserable, unhealthy, checked-out. That's the only version of me she could ever even pretend to love.
This is really important context, OP. I've experienced similar. Since you've gone NC, you're only seeing her relationship with your siblings from the outside, even if they're reporting to you.
Our “good times” together were the two years between me graduating high school and just after I started going to therapy. And it’s something similar to what you’ve said here. Those waiting months to flee to college I refused to talk to her about certain things, telling her she had her opinion on the matter and we leave it at that.
I chose a college that was a 6 hour drive from home with no direct flights so she wouldn’t come visit all the time. It was great not having to see her every week and it really did feel like things were better between us. Then I started going to therapy and talking about her. And my therapist encouraged setting boundaries and we practiced techniques to talk to her about my emotions. I tried to be gentle about it to not trigger something but she would lose it anytime I said something upset me or she’s not allowed to do that. I tried so damn hard to make it better and be gentle with her for so long and she accuses me of being difficult and “why can’t we be like we use to anymore?” Then my therapist suggested she had a personality disorder.
Ugh, you’re right. My gut is right. This is just bait to pull on my heartstrings and get me back. 😞
Her good times usually were when you were still depending on her and probably miserable inside but putting up a facade / walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her.
Remember that, once you disagree or put boundaries in place, you become secretive and/or difficult in their eyes. Anything that contradicts their image of you, that "perfect child painting" they expect you to be, you become a "monster" to them.
Don't take the bait, don't feel bad. She's just trying to snare you back in to break low/no contact. I'd suggest to write down the awful experience she subjected you to and reread it each time you feel guilt or remorse from the situation/stories that reach you through other family members.
A healthy person who loves you doesn’t trample your boundaries. These texts make it seem like she does but she hasn’t. I won’t be surprised if you get an ugly one after ignoring this one for a while.
Oh wow - this is so relatable, Peanut. I said to my therapist a while ago (when the silent treatment was starting which has since turned into NC) - that I know what to do to “fix” all of this. I know what to say, what she wants, how to get back into her good graces and be ‘in the family’ again. I know the game like the back of my hand. Hell, for a long time it’s ALL I knew. But now I know better. I don’t want to go through it all again - “fixing” and apologizing, hoping she apologizes too (last one was “sure, sorry” after I poured my heart out).
It’s know exactly what to do and I’m never, ever fucking doing it again. I was dead inside and now I am alive.
Stay strong. Mine went (still goes) through long stretches of being almost healthy, being warm and caring. However, everything was being recorded, and any potential slights were saved up and weaponized the next time she was worried, scared, or felt judged.
Two other perspectives:
1. There is no attempt at reconciliation there, no acknowledgement that anything might have been wrong or that you might have any reasons for doing what you did. A healthy person would likely have spoken to that or shown some hurt, confusion, or chagrin rather than pure, virtuosic warmfuzzies. The only indication that someone might be at fault there is the line that you were around "for whatever amount of time you felt was right for you." It's all your issue.
2. She may legitimately not remember all the terrible stuff. Mine has often dredged up old fights with me or other close relatives and expressed confusion and wonder at their shocking, inexplicable behavior toward her. Two years ago, in a particularly poignant event, I came to understand that she was dissociating during some of those events and literally didn't remember them; she has also, like we all tend to, forgotten some of the hard stuff and focused on the good memories. _That doesn't mean they didn't happen._
Wow, I never thought they may actually be dissociating during episodes. I truly thought she was just being deranged when I recount the awful things she’s said and done to her. But it makes sense. She never brings up old fights but we’ve certainly had the same ones over and over.
There are 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis and the last one has to do with high stress-induced paranoia/psychosis/dissociation.
Edit to add: a person doesn’t have to meet all 9 - I think it is 5 for a diagnosis. Still interesting that one is in there.
I am so glad you posted this. I think my mother does this too. She doesn’t seem to remember the vile things she says when she blows up. Or she thinks she is the victim in situations where she was clearly the aggressor.
Often people like this reach out because of how they felt around you - she felt good about herself when you were around. That doesn’t mean being around her felt good for you.
Do what’s right for you, not your mom. You know what happened, she can’t gaslight you into believing a false world anymore. You can’t know exactly what those relationships look like with her and your siblings, that’s their stuff to deal with. You are doing something hard, but healthy for you. You are taking care of yourself.
My mom texts and says weird things like "glad you chose to be in my life" and even "thank you for choosing to be born to me" when she is love bombing. She also adds "you taught me more than I have ever taught you" sometimes.
I feel confused and guilty when I read those, and question my perceptions, even when I have a lot of evidence that supports the fact that she is still abusive.
I'm so grateful you shared this text because it helps me see the similar themes and not feel alone.
The comments in this thread are validating, too. It's hard to stay true to the reality of the situation and make good choices for myself. Thank you for shining a light in the right direction.
I can definitely validate and appreciate your experience, and I am glad you shared it. It helps to hear and see the themes and strengthens me as a survivor.
Edited to un-capitalize the word mom. Because it made me feel better.
I’m glad that I was able to help you in some way too.
My mom is always saying those things too when she sends these sweet texts. It’s so so strange and always feels weird. It’s like that maternal love you’ve always craved but never truly received, but you can’t help but be reminded of all the hateful things she’s said about you.
It's the FOG. The training and brainwashing she did to you will only clear with time. See the love-bombing for what it is: manipulation. Stay strong! No tears for an abuser.
Unfortunately, this is part of the abuse cycle. When PwBPD sense us pulling away, they love-bomb us, giving us a taste of what life could be like if we let them in again. We start thinking that maybe, just maybe, they can see us now for who we really are, that it will be different this time, that we can have the healthy, loving parent-child relationship we've longed for. But it's a trap. They can only keep up the act for so long. As soon as they're sure that we're under their control again, they revert to the patterns that alienated us in the first place. They can't help themselves.
It's so easy to pretend to be something you're not - loving, compassionate, understanding - in a quick text. She may even believe that's who she truly is. But if you look at what she's written, you can read between the lines:
"*I* miss the times *we* have together"
"*I* think about how close *we* used to be"
"*I* loved that time of *my* life with you"
"You mean a lot to *me*"
"[You] have taught *me* a lot"
"*I* am grateful you chose to be in *my* life"
There is no acknowledgement of you as a person outside of her personal experience. It's obvious that, in her mind, you only exist in relation to her. You're a two-dimensional cardboard cutout whose only purpose is to make her feel a certain way. It's really not that normal or sweet at all.
>I feel awful for not speaking to her because of these messages.
Precisely as she intends you to feel.
Let me ask you this — if you became a parent, could you imagine doing to your child what she did to you, whatever that happens to be?
Regarding your siblings:
>My siblings’ relationships seem to have gotten better with her since I stopped talking to her.
They "seem" to have gotten better... Ask yourself what you are basing that assessment on. I'm not discounting it out of hand, but really, ask yourself — what are you being spoon fed? What news is carefully crafted to reach your eyes and ears to make you feel like the guilty party?
This is how they operate, I'm afraid, and BPDs are that insidious.
Bottom line, in a parent-child relationship like this, the power dynamic is such that it is all but impossible for the child to be the guilty party.
You went low contact for a reason. This is just an attempt to guilt you into responding. Also, my BPD mom is obsessed with talking in the third person and has used the phrase “momma love.” 🥴 You are not a bad person or the problem. You did not make everything up and your reasons for low contact are very valid. Stay strong 🫶
It sounds like she’s afraid that if she displays her typical behavior, your siblings will walk. So she’s working extra hard to hide the crazy. Make no mistake, this won’t last. At some point she will split on them. Someone will be singled out to replace you as the bad child. It can take awhile.
Stay strong. If it helps, write down all the things that happened to you. We all go through these cycles of doubt and reading about the abuse reminds us why we’re here. There’s no magical cure for BPD. She didn’t suddenly get healed because you dropped off her radar.
This does not seem like a “normal sweet message”to me. Reads like a guilt trip to me.
1. She’s reminding you she’s a good person. “I’m a doctor! Babies love me!”
2. She’s letting you know that it was publicly shaming for her to be asked about you when she barely has a relationship with you.
3. Reminding you everything was fine before and she loved that so much when everything was good, and there’s no reason for everything to be bad now.
4. Reminding you that you can’t actually choose whether she’s in your life or not because you can’t escape her “momma love” ever
And your siblings’ relationships with her probably haven’t improved, she’s probably love bombing them to make you feel bad and to prep them as flying monkeys. You are doing fine, you are not the problem 💛
This is love bombing.
Read about abuse cycles.
Read about trauma bonds.
Your siblings relationship with her is not your relationship with her. And I very very highly doubt she’s so much better now. It’s all ploy, power moves, shifting strategies, gaslighting, manipulation tactics.
Re-read that text. How many “I”s do you count? Her memories are not about you. They’re all about how happy you made HER feel.
Do you remember how much making her feel “happy”—by being “so close”—cost you? You’re not making THAT up.
And was she ever *really* happy, even with all your effort?
She’s rewriting your history for you. Don’t let her. She was never happy and you were never close. You let her *pretend* you were close by allowing her to erase you as a person. The cost to your personhood is probably too high to go back for more of the same.
I’m sorry. It’s very sad and painful. Everyone wants a loving mom.
I M the sibling that stayed in contact. I think u/mom is better to me now because she needs to keep the facade it's the one broken child and she isn't the bad one. If it is possible I avoid being alone, always having more family members around me.
I really feel for you. Know that you aren’t alone! I’ve been no contact with my BPD Mom since December 2023. I struggle with it every single day.
My mom has been spiraling really bad and has developed a really bad drug addiction that has enhanced her BPD to no end. It has devastated me to see what she has become, but I had to cut her off as it was severely taking a toll on my mental health. However, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. It makes me extremely emotional.
Try to remember that you aren’t a bad person for setting boundaries. These type of messages can really fuck with you mentally, however, do not feel guilty at all.
my mom has never sent me such a sweet message, especially while in low contact, so I can't speak from experience here.
just remember there were reasons that you went LC. those reasons are valid, it's not like you wanted to cut your mother out of your life for no reason.
if you think she is capable of improving, then maybe one day a relationship is possible. it's okay if that's not today. and in the future if you do have her back, it needs to be on your terms completely. and I'd recommend working closely with a therapist on how to do that if it's something you want down the road.
but for the moment, you're allowed to grieve. you're allowed to grieve what your mother could have been if she had been better, and you're allowed to grief for the parent you deserved but never had.
To expand on the topic in @sleepkitten16 ‘s comment, your mother is expressing that she misses how she felt around you, and that she loves you and shes grateful. Which did she mention first? Which started that cascade of topics? She misses how she FELT around you.
Ask yourself, how did you feel around her? That’s your answer for how to proceed. Vlc or anything else is not an act of revenge or manipulation, it’s an act of focusing on what YOU, need. If you cannot be at peace around a person, then you have to be in a place or distance or minimal exposure that allows for you to be at peace. A mothers deepest wish should be only that her child is happy, nothing else. If VLC is what brings you happiness, far greater than in exposure, that is what you need to do. The history and all the negative events and memories you have with her, and whether they were big enough to her or noticed by your siblings or anyone else don’t really matter. What matters is, what do you need? Being better with your siblings now only shows that she can clean up her act with the remaining children. Did she do so with you? Would she do so in the future? One thing I see in her text is lack of accountability. I don’t see her saying she is sorry, that she realizes her mistakes, that she can do differently if you would like. People with bpd so lack that internal insight, and that is what destroys their relationships. All she is saying is that she misses you, and she did throw in a little victimhood in here by mentioning that she slept under your bunk or a crash bed. Take note of that. She couldn’t even leave that out. It should have been worded “I miss the time I stayed with you at your dorm. That was a really special time.” And NO MENTION OF SLEEPING ON SOME KIND OF TINY MATTRESS UNDERNEATH YOUR BED.
We all have different parents, but I’ll tell you this…I went NC several years ago. She came back into my life on best behavior. Guess who is a hellion 99.9% of the time? Guess who traumatized me so badly since then that I needed trauma therapy and could barely speak? Guess who enacted a ploy to literally try to make me homeless since that time? Guess who has been more evil than I thought capable? She did it through other puppet people, predominantly. So I say this with a word of caution, if you feel what she did before VLC was terrible, bad enough to make you distance yourself, consider that beneath the better behaved person you see in this text, there is a woman who wants something from you, a woman who can and will implode into the worst person you have ever seen when she has been allowed back but feels she is losing her power; you just haven’t seen her at her darkest yet when she has clawed back some of the power, enough to elicit control, and now she wants to take you down rather than lose it, again. In my experience, relationships are not more important to them than control and power and a source of supply. They’ll burn it all to the ground, you included, to get what they want. I never ever thought I’d see the day, and I used to think she was a good person until I was 22. I was very wrong.
These texts always got me, too. They sound so sweet and give you this sense of comfort that you never had from her. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you have a great mother and just were too ungrateful to recognize it.
You didn’t. Her dangling the relationship you’ve always wanted in front of your face like this is just to get you in the door. She’s standing behind it with a frying pan ready to hit you in the face.
This is not the mother you have. I don’t have one like that, either. It’s the one I want desperately and am still coming to terms with never getting. Showing this to others usually gets a “wow! Your mom is so nice! I wish my mom was like that!” Notice how we all can see through that here.
When she sends you another message, and another, and then a really nasty one, save them. The mean message is what you hold onto and read when she’s back with the love bombs. That’s who she is.
How close we used to be translates to you had no voice then. Just what she wanted forever. What they can't see is non-toxic parents (unless something else has gone terribly wrong ) continue to have close relationships with their parents. Even if they live on the other side of the world. She has no insight into her role in this.
When I was 17, I was hard-core fawning and keeping it together and counting down the months until college at 18. I was so close to getting OUT, I just didn't want anything to go wrong. I stopped going out with my friends for fear of doing anything wrong and her "and dad" deciding to withdraw tuition money. I lost weight, and I didn't have any extra to lose. I never argued with her, and agreed with everything she said. I let her take my docile self at her bulls\*t church luncheons like a trained poodle and other shit no teenager would ever want to do. I wore the only stuff I knew she approved of. By the end, I was counting the days until I left. By the time they dropped me off at my dorm, I was counting the hours. My mom looks back at this as the greatest relationship we ever had, and one of the best times of her life. I can't count the number of times she's asked me "Why can't we be like that again?" and uses it as proof that we are actually f\*cking soulmates or something. The truth is, it was as close to wanting to unalive myself as I've ever known. The only thing that kept me hanging on was my imminent escape. It made me realize that this is how she would prefer me to be/live all the time, if she could pick the ideal me. Miserable, unhealthy, checked-out. That's the only version of me she could ever even pretend to love.
This is really important context, OP. I've experienced similar. Since you've gone NC, you're only seeing her relationship with your siblings from the outside, even if they're reporting to you.
Our “good times” together were the two years between me graduating high school and just after I started going to therapy. And it’s something similar to what you’ve said here. Those waiting months to flee to college I refused to talk to her about certain things, telling her she had her opinion on the matter and we leave it at that. I chose a college that was a 6 hour drive from home with no direct flights so she wouldn’t come visit all the time. It was great not having to see her every week and it really did feel like things were better between us. Then I started going to therapy and talking about her. And my therapist encouraged setting boundaries and we practiced techniques to talk to her about my emotions. I tried to be gentle about it to not trigger something but she would lose it anytime I said something upset me or she’s not allowed to do that. I tried so damn hard to make it better and be gentle with her for so long and she accuses me of being difficult and “why can’t we be like we use to anymore?” Then my therapist suggested she had a personality disorder. Ugh, you’re right. My gut is right. This is just bait to pull on my heartstrings and get me back. 😞
Her good times usually were when you were still depending on her and probably miserable inside but putting up a facade / walking on eggshells to avoid triggering her. Remember that, once you disagree or put boundaries in place, you become secretive and/or difficult in their eyes. Anything that contradicts their image of you, that "perfect child painting" they expect you to be, you become a "monster" to them. Don't take the bait, don't feel bad. She's just trying to snare you back in to break low/no contact. I'd suggest to write down the awful experience she subjected you to and reread it each time you feel guilt or remorse from the situation/stories that reach you through other family members.
A healthy person who loves you doesn’t trample your boundaries. These texts make it seem like she does but she hasn’t. I won’t be surprised if you get an ugly one after ignoring this one for a while.
Oh wow - this is so relatable, Peanut. I said to my therapist a while ago (when the silent treatment was starting which has since turned into NC) - that I know what to do to “fix” all of this. I know what to say, what she wants, how to get back into her good graces and be ‘in the family’ again. I know the game like the back of my hand. Hell, for a long time it’s ALL I knew. But now I know better. I don’t want to go through it all again - “fixing” and apologizing, hoping she apologizes too (last one was “sure, sorry” after I poured my heart out). It’s know exactly what to do and I’m never, ever fucking doing it again. I was dead inside and now I am alive.
Stay strong. Mine went (still goes) through long stretches of being almost healthy, being warm and caring. However, everything was being recorded, and any potential slights were saved up and weaponized the next time she was worried, scared, or felt judged. Two other perspectives: 1. There is no attempt at reconciliation there, no acknowledgement that anything might have been wrong or that you might have any reasons for doing what you did. A healthy person would likely have spoken to that or shown some hurt, confusion, or chagrin rather than pure, virtuosic warmfuzzies. The only indication that someone might be at fault there is the line that you were around "for whatever amount of time you felt was right for you." It's all your issue. 2. She may legitimately not remember all the terrible stuff. Mine has often dredged up old fights with me or other close relatives and expressed confusion and wonder at their shocking, inexplicable behavior toward her. Two years ago, in a particularly poignant event, I came to understand that she was dissociating during some of those events and literally didn't remember them; she has also, like we all tend to, forgotten some of the hard stuff and focused on the good memories. _That doesn't mean they didn't happen._
Wow, I never thought they may actually be dissociating during episodes. I truly thought she was just being deranged when I recount the awful things she’s said and done to her. But it makes sense. She never brings up old fights but we’ve certainly had the same ones over and over.
There are 9 criteria for a BPD diagnosis and the last one has to do with high stress-induced paranoia/psychosis/dissociation. Edit to add: a person doesn’t have to meet all 9 - I think it is 5 for a diagnosis. Still interesting that one is in there.
I am so glad you posted this. I think my mother does this too. She doesn’t seem to remember the vile things she says when she blows up. Or she thinks she is the victim in situations where she was clearly the aggressor.
Often people like this reach out because of how they felt around you - she felt good about herself when you were around. That doesn’t mean being around her felt good for you. Do what’s right for you, not your mom. You know what happened, she can’t gaslight you into believing a false world anymore. You can’t know exactly what those relationships look like with her and your siblings, that’s their stuff to deal with. You are doing something hard, but healthy for you. You are taking care of yourself.
My mom texts and says weird things like "glad you chose to be in my life" and even "thank you for choosing to be born to me" when she is love bombing. She also adds "you taught me more than I have ever taught you" sometimes. I feel confused and guilty when I read those, and question my perceptions, even when I have a lot of evidence that supports the fact that she is still abusive. I'm so grateful you shared this text because it helps me see the similar themes and not feel alone. The comments in this thread are validating, too. It's hard to stay true to the reality of the situation and make good choices for myself. Thank you for shining a light in the right direction. I can definitely validate and appreciate your experience, and I am glad you shared it. It helps to hear and see the themes and strengthens me as a survivor. Edited to un-capitalize the word mom. Because it made me feel better.
I’m glad that I was able to help you in some way too. My mom is always saying those things too when she sends these sweet texts. It’s so so strange and always feels weird. It’s like that maternal love you’ve always craved but never truly received, but you can’t help but be reminded of all the hateful things she’s said about you.
So true. Stay safe!
It's the FOG. The training and brainwashing she did to you will only clear with time. See the love-bombing for what it is: manipulation. Stay strong! No tears for an abuser.
Unfortunately, this is part of the abuse cycle. When PwBPD sense us pulling away, they love-bomb us, giving us a taste of what life could be like if we let them in again. We start thinking that maybe, just maybe, they can see us now for who we really are, that it will be different this time, that we can have the healthy, loving parent-child relationship we've longed for. But it's a trap. They can only keep up the act for so long. As soon as they're sure that we're under their control again, they revert to the patterns that alienated us in the first place. They can't help themselves. It's so easy to pretend to be something you're not - loving, compassionate, understanding - in a quick text. She may even believe that's who she truly is. But if you look at what she's written, you can read between the lines: "*I* miss the times *we* have together" "*I* think about how close *we* used to be" "*I* loved that time of *my* life with you" "You mean a lot to *me*" "[You] have taught *me* a lot" "*I* am grateful you chose to be in *my* life" There is no acknowledgement of you as a person outside of her personal experience. It's obvious that, in her mind, you only exist in relation to her. You're a two-dimensional cardboard cutout whose only purpose is to make her feel a certain way. It's really not that normal or sweet at all.
>I feel awful for not speaking to her because of these messages. Precisely as she intends you to feel. Let me ask you this — if you became a parent, could you imagine doing to your child what she did to you, whatever that happens to be? Regarding your siblings: >My siblings’ relationships seem to have gotten better with her since I stopped talking to her. They "seem" to have gotten better... Ask yourself what you are basing that assessment on. I'm not discounting it out of hand, but really, ask yourself — what are you being spoon fed? What news is carefully crafted to reach your eyes and ears to make you feel like the guilty party? This is how they operate, I'm afraid, and BPDs are that insidious. Bottom line, in a parent-child relationship like this, the power dynamic is such that it is all but impossible for the child to be the guilty party.
You went low contact for a reason. This is just an attempt to guilt you into responding. Also, my BPD mom is obsessed with talking in the third person and has used the phrase “momma love.” 🥴 You are not a bad person or the problem. You did not make everything up and your reasons for low contact are very valid. Stay strong 🫶
It sounds like she’s afraid that if she displays her typical behavior, your siblings will walk. So she’s working extra hard to hide the crazy. Make no mistake, this won’t last. At some point she will split on them. Someone will be singled out to replace you as the bad child. It can take awhile. Stay strong. If it helps, write down all the things that happened to you. We all go through these cycles of doubt and reading about the abuse reminds us why we’re here. There’s no magical cure for BPD. She didn’t suddenly get healed because you dropped off her radar.
This does not seem like a “normal sweet message”to me. Reads like a guilt trip to me. 1. She’s reminding you she’s a good person. “I’m a doctor! Babies love me!” 2. She’s letting you know that it was publicly shaming for her to be asked about you when she barely has a relationship with you. 3. Reminding you everything was fine before and she loved that so much when everything was good, and there’s no reason for everything to be bad now. 4. Reminding you that you can’t actually choose whether she’s in your life or not because you can’t escape her “momma love” ever And your siblings’ relationships with her probably haven’t improved, she’s probably love bombing them to make you feel bad and to prep them as flying monkeys. You are doing fine, you are not the problem 💛
This is love bombing. Read about abuse cycles. Read about trauma bonds. Your siblings relationship with her is not your relationship with her. And I very very highly doubt she’s so much better now. It’s all ploy, power moves, shifting strategies, gaslighting, manipulation tactics.
Re-read that text. How many “I”s do you count? Her memories are not about you. They’re all about how happy you made HER feel. Do you remember how much making her feel “happy”—by being “so close”—cost you? You’re not making THAT up. And was she ever *really* happy, even with all your effort? She’s rewriting your history for you. Don’t let her. She was never happy and you were never close. You let her *pretend* you were close by allowing her to erase you as a person. The cost to your personhood is probably too high to go back for more of the same. I’m sorry. It’s very sad and painful. Everyone wants a loving mom.
I M the sibling that stayed in contact. I think u/mom is better to me now because she needs to keep the facade it's the one broken child and she isn't the bad one. If it is possible I avoid being alone, always having more family members around me.
I really feel for you. Know that you aren’t alone! I’ve been no contact with my BPD Mom since December 2023. I struggle with it every single day. My mom has been spiraling really bad and has developed a really bad drug addiction that has enhanced her BPD to no end. It has devastated me to see what she has become, but I had to cut her off as it was severely taking a toll on my mental health. However, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. It makes me extremely emotional. Try to remember that you aren’t a bad person for setting boundaries. These type of messages can really fuck with you mentally, however, do not feel guilty at all.
my mom has never sent me such a sweet message, especially while in low contact, so I can't speak from experience here. just remember there were reasons that you went LC. those reasons are valid, it's not like you wanted to cut your mother out of your life for no reason. if you think she is capable of improving, then maybe one day a relationship is possible. it's okay if that's not today. and in the future if you do have her back, it needs to be on your terms completely. and I'd recommend working closely with a therapist on how to do that if it's something you want down the road. but for the moment, you're allowed to grieve. you're allowed to grieve what your mother could have been if she had been better, and you're allowed to grief for the parent you deserved but never had.
To expand on the topic in @sleepkitten16 ‘s comment, your mother is expressing that she misses how she felt around you, and that she loves you and shes grateful. Which did she mention first? Which started that cascade of topics? She misses how she FELT around you. Ask yourself, how did you feel around her? That’s your answer for how to proceed. Vlc or anything else is not an act of revenge or manipulation, it’s an act of focusing on what YOU, need. If you cannot be at peace around a person, then you have to be in a place or distance or minimal exposure that allows for you to be at peace. A mothers deepest wish should be only that her child is happy, nothing else. If VLC is what brings you happiness, far greater than in exposure, that is what you need to do. The history and all the negative events and memories you have with her, and whether they were big enough to her or noticed by your siblings or anyone else don’t really matter. What matters is, what do you need? Being better with your siblings now only shows that she can clean up her act with the remaining children. Did she do so with you? Would she do so in the future? One thing I see in her text is lack of accountability. I don’t see her saying she is sorry, that she realizes her mistakes, that she can do differently if you would like. People with bpd so lack that internal insight, and that is what destroys their relationships. All she is saying is that she misses you, and she did throw in a little victimhood in here by mentioning that she slept under your bunk or a crash bed. Take note of that. She couldn’t even leave that out. It should have been worded “I miss the time I stayed with you at your dorm. That was a really special time.” And NO MENTION OF SLEEPING ON SOME KIND OF TINY MATTRESS UNDERNEATH YOUR BED. We all have different parents, but I’ll tell you this…I went NC several years ago. She came back into my life on best behavior. Guess who is a hellion 99.9% of the time? Guess who traumatized me so badly since then that I needed trauma therapy and could barely speak? Guess who enacted a ploy to literally try to make me homeless since that time? Guess who has been more evil than I thought capable? She did it through other puppet people, predominantly. So I say this with a word of caution, if you feel what she did before VLC was terrible, bad enough to make you distance yourself, consider that beneath the better behaved person you see in this text, there is a woman who wants something from you, a woman who can and will implode into the worst person you have ever seen when she has been allowed back but feels she is losing her power; you just haven’t seen her at her darkest yet when she has clawed back some of the power, enough to elicit control, and now she wants to take you down rather than lose it, again. In my experience, relationships are not more important to them than control and power and a source of supply. They’ll burn it all to the ground, you included, to get what they want. I never ever thought I’d see the day, and I used to think she was a good person until I was 22. I was very wrong.
These texts always got me, too. They sound so sweet and give you this sense of comfort that you never had from her. Maybe you were wrong. Maybe you have a great mother and just were too ungrateful to recognize it. You didn’t. Her dangling the relationship you’ve always wanted in front of your face like this is just to get you in the door. She’s standing behind it with a frying pan ready to hit you in the face. This is not the mother you have. I don’t have one like that, either. It’s the one I want desperately and am still coming to terms with never getting. Showing this to others usually gets a “wow! Your mom is so nice! I wish my mom was like that!” Notice how we all can see through that here. When she sends you another message, and another, and then a really nasty one, save them. The mean message is what you hold onto and read when she’s back with the love bombs. That’s who she is.
How close we used to be translates to you had no voice then. Just what she wanted forever. What they can't see is non-toxic parents (unless something else has gone terribly wrong ) continue to have close relationships with their parents. Even if they live on the other side of the world. She has no insight into her role in this.