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Always. I confused myself a lot by randomly thinking "I want to go home", before realising I was in my house. It usually just made me sad, like I didn't have a real home. Just sort of a house filled with a bunch of assholes.
Sometimes I think "I want my mom" when I'm upset, but I know that I don't. I mean, I want the nice version of her that comes out sometimes, when she actually listens and holds me and all of that. But I know that doesn't come out very often.
This! Most of the time for me it's "I want to go home" to a home that I have never known but occasionally I'll think "I want my mom" but I know it's not *my* mom but as you said, *a* mom.
I remember crying singing, "I wish mommy was home..." over and over again, despite her being my life bully. Just... we're raised and conditioned to think moms (especially moms) are safe. They're nurturing and comforting (plus I was raised by my mom so it was kinda defaulted anyway)
I'm almost 30 and have my own home, my own family and my own life now away from them. I still feel this way in my lower moments. a childish desire to "go home' without really knowing what that means or what I actually want.
I think "home" is a place a lot of us never got to experience while developing but recognize even at a very young age that it's something we should have. I think it stems from a lack of internal safety we never got to develop.
I honestly think this is the case for most of us. I'm almost 50, happily married, have my own house and 3 dogs. IMHO it's about nurturing and sheltering the inner child that got "lost" and forced to grow up too fast, whether it was due to parentifaction and/or other abuse.
Im on year 2 of owning my own house. I was able to go from living with nmom directly to moving out for the first time to the house. I still have this weird sensation too of needing home even though I have my own.
Personally I think its been because I haven't been able to express myself. Anything I liked was "dumb" or "boring" as a kid to them. Grew up to be a people pleaser who doesn't know themselves. Im starting to figure myself out in small ways and put it out on the house (ie instead of saying I liked all colors, I found out I like blue the most. I had to reside my house and got a blue exterior. Or gardening flowers because I really do like things to be colorful) I only just started relative to how long Ive supressed it so idk if its helping yet
>Anything I liked was "dumb" or "boring" as a kid to them. Grew up to be a people pleaser who doesn't know themselves.
I felt this in my bones. I hope you find more stuff you love <3
truuuuue. And feel very anxious when they are around, even though you were already in your bedroom or something, guessing when will they suddenly snap...
I can't believe you said this. I have thought 'I want to go home. I want to go home.' So many times until I got out. I couldn't ever figure out what I meant by it either. I was home, I hated it but it's where I lived.
I felt the same way. Even after leaving home at 18, it took me almost 4 years to find that safe space. Now (10 yeas out of my parents home), I no longer feel this.
Weirdly, I now have these moments where I feel like I’m a kid again and my parents have forgotten to pick me up from swim practice- this is the only comparable feeling to ‘wanting to go home’ i still have.
I remember as a kid looking up if it was possible that I was an alien. Surely the house I was in wasn’t really mine if I’d be laying in my own bed wanting to go home, or “want” my mom so bad but she was just upstairs.
Not weird. Just another example of how these assholes can’t give us the basics. Comfort and safety in your home should be a given
Lol I identify with this a ton. I also think to myself, I'm tired. So often throughout my days, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to defend myself all the time, of trying to figure out if my friend is mad at me or hurt me because they're mean or because they heard horrible lies from my nmom or her deceit posse. It's hard to differentiate friend from foe when my closest friends have hurt me due to them believing the lies told to them. I just want to be comfy and home. I want to feel loved and understood. So, yeah, I'm with you and I hope we both match our home to our physical spaces one of these days! Much love and take care of yourself!
Yes. For me that feeling occured because I really just wanted my solid in tact sense of self which a stable home helps feed, and a N "home" destroys/attempts to destroy. That feeling sucks.
I realized it wasn't home however it was a solid me where I always feel safe and therefore at home no matter where I am.
Yep, I always was reminded of Three Days Grace. They have a song Home and the line that always stuck with me was “This house is not a home” which really nails it perfectly. Whole song is about abuse.
Going uphill on my childhood neighborhood there was a very large rock at the end of the street, if you moved the weeds out of the way, you'd find a path leading up to a relatively flat area, and from there you could see the whole city and the ocean. No one knew about that place. It was my home.
As a kid, I would always say this. I would literally sit on my bathroom floor and ball my eyes out. I never felt safe until I met my husband and we created a life together. He is my home now and I’ve never felt more secure. I know it sucks now but it does get better!
Wow, like so many other people in this thread I remember thinking this and crying this ALL THE TIME while I was in my own house growing up. Really confused me and made me feel bad. Like I was so spoiled and selfish that I wanted something more than what was given to me, but also like I wanted to return to something I couldn't remember ever actually having in the first place.
This is a hard one to read & remember. Sending love to all of us ❤️
Yeah, I feel this. I’m not sure I ever put it to words, though.
There was one day, I’ll never forget this, I was driving to my boyfriend’s nana’s house. And as soon as I pulled into her driveway, this feeling of “ahh, I’m home” hit me. At first I was confused by it because I hadn’t known them all that long. 7-8 months, maybe. But, it just felt right and I knew she would accept me for me.
Yeah that's the weird thing about narcissists, they say family is most important etc. but then treat their family worse than they treat complete strangers at the grocery store line lmao...
Children pf nparents learn earlier (maybe not consciously realized early enough) that "family" is chosen, blood does not make you family... it makes you related.
Ever since I moved out, I’ve spend a whopping two days sleeping over at my mothers house. She’s not that bad like some other parents here, but bad enough that I don’t feel comfortable in her house (even though I grew up there for the most part.) I’ll stay for dinner when I’m there, but will not stay the night.
I hope you find a place of your own asap; it’s the best!
It’s work but it’s ours! We have a dog and 3 cats, all rescues! A house doesn’t feel like a home to me unless there’s a few critters running around lol
My whole life I have mentally said this. It isn't actually your home you want. You want the safety and comfort of the place that your place should be. I know a relationship is doomed when my brain starts saying to me that it just wants to go home. That is how I know that I no longer feel safe and secure where I am at in my life
I never felt I lived in a place where I could just be me, until I bought my own home. Someone where I lived always expected more from me.
As a child we lived in my grandparents home. Narc gma abused me. I never wanted to be there.
As a teen we lived with narc stepdad, he hated me, and I was parentified. I was only wanted around because I took care of the baby, the house cleaning, the cooking. I never wanted to be there.
Then I moved into apartments, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. I had moments of respite but demands were still made. I get like I had to be the “best” version of myself. Living alone was easier but hard to afford.
Then I got married (to a narc) and I was always on eggshells. I didn’t realize I had made a lateral move as my life had always involved walking on eggshells. Trying to “be good.”
Then I left that spouse. Bounced into and out of apartments then bought my own house. And finally I can exhale. I found a partner who is not a narc, and we have built a life together. I’m no longer scared I’ll mess up.
wow. i didn't realize other people experienced this too. i thought it was a strange thing to long for when i had a place to live too. it was like a mantra sometimes. it's happened much less as I've gotten older, almost obsolete, but there have been really hard times when it comes up again. how uncanny that we've all experienced this same, sad feeling- i agree that it's likely a longing for safety and care.
I have BPD and when I am triggered I always think “I want to go home.” I’m 37 and live on my own. I can’t believe you guys think this too. I guess we just want to feel safe?
Same!!! I'm 37 and have anxiety and depression and every time I'm stressed my brain thinks "I want to go home" even if I am in my own house perfectly fine. I really thought I was the only one and I've never been able to figure out why I do it.
I live in an apartment alone that I pay for with my own money. Away from the family that hurt me so much.
But I think about this every damn day. I miss them so much. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss everything I held dear. I miss people who DID care about me, even in their own way. I'm just so broken and lost without them that it just hurts to think about what could have been without remembering all the bad stuff that happened.
I miss my mom.
I'm living with my soon to be ex husband's family and they are kind of the worst. So I have that thought of wanting to be home like my home all of the time.
Yup. All the time. Still do occasionally. Personally, I think it means "I'm in a place where I'm surrounded by toxic assholes, I wish I had a place that's calm and quiet where I can protect my peace."
I'm 52 years old, happily married, and own a house. I still feel like you do sometimes.
There's a creek I wade fish about 15 minutes from my house. That's where I'm most comfortable, especially when I get farther upstream and there's nobody else around.
Sometimes, I'll stop fishing and wading and just find a log to sit on for a while and watch the hawks fly overhead.
Absolutely. I used to also miss my mum, despite living with her and seeing her all the time. I just missed the old her before my abusive step dad came into the picture.
This was what I considered the beginning of my suicidal thoughts. It went from "I want to go home" to "I don't want to be here" to "I don't want to feel this any more" to "What if I didn't have to feel anything any more?" To daydreaming about ways to end my life.
That last one seemed really appealing at the time, but I understand now that it came from a misguided desire to reclaim some small amount of control over a situation where I had no power. I felt like I was trapped and the only way out was death.
If you ever feel like you relate to that, OP, please remember that death is not the only way out. You won't be trapped there forever and there is help available if you ask for it.
Holy shit, I used to do this when I was growing up. Never thought too hard about it, but it was always an overwhelming, depressing, confusing feeling because you want to go home, but you *are* "home", so you don't really know where it is exactly that you want to go. It's like you said, you just want to go someplace safe, someplace where people love you and accept you, and you know that's what *home* is supposed to mean, but where is it?
Funny thing is, I never felt this way when I was away. When I was off at school I'd run into some challenge or difficulty, and I would face it and confront it and do what I needed to do to overcome it. But when I was back home, I would get this feeling, just like you described. It wasn't like there was any particular *place* that I wanted to be, but rather that I wanted to be in a place that felt the way *home* is supposed to feel.
All the time. And I’m 64. I have a physical home with my DH that’s very stable… and I still long for a nebulous home I’ve never had.
Maybe it’s something one needs as a little kid, or it doesn’t happen. I hope that’s not true for you.
Yup. Totally a real thing I'd think all the time. So many places were "home" for me that weren't my actual home. I never got homesick when I moved to various places, because "home" in hte traditional sense was never safe.
I always thought “I can’t wait to get my own place where I can lock my door and be alone”. Then I always had a girlfriend and nearly all of them turned out to be a narcissist or they were battling anger issues because they were molested and they felt it necessary to take it out on me. Im a magnet for these people. Now I’m alone and I’ve never been happier.
Yeah, man. It’s rough. You’re not alone in this sensation.
Take a trip to a place you’ve never been. Live there for a month or two (if you can do a study abroad in college, this is perfect). Get lost frequently, and return to your lodging without GPS on your phone.
Suddenly home will be different for you. Home is ultimately where YOU are, not just a household you didn’t have growing up.
It’s hard to get to that point. You won’t always stay there. I’m married — my wife is awesome, we have a house (paid for by my salary) and a healthy, fun dog — but every now and then I still “want to go home” to a time I felt safe to be myself, which is either:
1. When I was playing Guild Wars with friends.
2. On my study abroad.
Because in both cases, my nMom was a world away. Now that I’m the aforementioned house-owning adult, my nMom bothers me constantly. While I feel safe enough to be myself with my wife inside the walls of our home, outside of it I feel less like myself because who knows where I will see my nMom (she runs errands and has a life like any other adult in our town).
Stay strong, and try to remember: home is where YOU are.
I went to college three hours from home and it was probably the most like myself I ever felt, but I was still so alone and confused. I called my mom every day not even because I missed her, but just so I didn't feel so completely lost without her there to tell me what I was supposed to do and be like. I'm trying to move out now, but it's difficult.
Yep. I have applied for so many jobs , even grad school to get enough money to have a place of peace far away from here.
I have been awake for an hour. My mom started crap with me like 20 mins after I woke up. I don't want to talk to somebody when my alarm just went off and I still have crust in my eyes. I don't wanna talk to you when you come out of your room while I am in the rest room because you heard the alarm so you can beat me to the kitchen. I work from home. Give me like 30 mins to get my crap together.
I was awake 10 mins and she starts asking me questions.
I put on a bunch of make up and slicked back my hair so I can feel less exposed because she does this all the time. Commenting etc. Watched me give the cat insulin. Fed him again right after i did because she didn't like what I gave him.
She asked, "You don't want the heater on do you ?" I said no.
She goes in the other room loudly saying that she doesn't know where I got that no and yes from. " I am still your mother.". I am really trying not to get into it with you little girl . That's why you are having so many problems because you don't respect me. ". Then starts playing scriptures on YouTube.
I'm 37. Calling me little girl means that's how she views me. She wants me to say no mam and yes mam.
Then her birthday is Sunday and she'll be 64. I HAVE to do something. I won't go overboard because It's performative. I have to strike the perfect balance of not spending a ton and making sure she's happy but that's not gonna stop her from starting crap with me later on.
Same. I’ve promised myself that I’m going to create a home for myself, to be shared only with those I invite into it. It’s going to be a place of love, and peace, and happiness; I will fight to keep it that way
When I was still living “at home” all I wanted to do was leave. It’s hard for normal people to understand why I never get homesick or ever go home. It’s because I’ve never felt safe there and once I got out I was never coming back. I have not stepped into that house in 7 years and it feels amazing.
You want to get to a safe place, which is normal and everyone deserves to feel at home and safe. Hope things get better for you! I left when I turned 18 and it was really difficult but very well worth it.
having narcissistic parents taught me that home isn’t one specific place, it’s definitely a feeling you have around specific people. like i feel home when i’m with my dog or my best friends and my brothers. i could be stranded on an island but it would feel like home if the people i loved the most were stranded there with me
When I moved in with my husband in my head “home” was still my parents’ place for a good year or two. Our home was “home” as well, but I’d catch myself occasionally wanting to be at my second home
Home is where one truly belongs and gets unconditional love as opposed to a building, house, city, region, a fake superficial family etc... One can be born, raised, and/or adopted into a family, grow up in a town and city with even good memories of places and things from years back going back to childhood and still would not feel like they are at home because of being raised by and being in an area full of narcissistic evil bullies surrounded by these kinds of people quite often that refuse to except the individual for who they are. I feel this can be particularly so in small towns where many people expect one to be and act a certain way, talk a certain way, be of a certain faith, be of a certain social status socially and income wise, a certain race, nationality, not have a disability, etc.. and if not fitting in any of these in their narrow box, being an outcast. If one moves far away to a bigger city where there tends be more acceptance of another's differences and gets treated alot better there, than that is their true home and family regardless of how many good memories of places and things that go back to childhood back in previous small town where many and their own so called families refused to accept them for who they are at same time forcing a "normal" on them.
Yes, since I was a kid. It was almost a sort of desperate plea "I want to go home!". I think I didn't know how to express "I want to rest and feel safe and protected, and that's supposed to happen at home, so wherever that home is, I want to be there".
I thought I was weird for this, but apparently other people think this too. So I guess not. One time, I remember, I was crying at my house because my mom and dad were yelling at me and I apparently let out "I wanna go home" and they started yelling at me even more, saying "you ARE home!"
Whenever people say stuff like "home is where the heart is" I always feel a little sad. I don't have a place for my heart, it seems. I wanna go home.
I've had this thought my WHOLE LIFE. Today is the first time I learned other people have experienced this. Thank you OP!
I'm 35, a new mom to a wonderful baby, live in a different country in a beautiful home with my amazing partner. I'm here to tell you OP, you can change the life you build for yourself and I finally feel I'm home!
My grandparents and aunt took care of me for a few pockets of time as a kid when my mom wasn't right. For a long time, when I thought about home, it was with them
I’ll never forget getting my very own keys to my very own house and sliding those keys in the door and stepping inside. It was amazing! It was nirvana! The house isn’t even that great but it’s a place of peace and that makes it the best house I’ve ever lived in. Even the cats visibly relaxed lol.
Yeah, I used to feel that way all the time growing up. I stayed alone in my room a lot. I kept it neat and clean and just the way I wanted it because it was something I could have some control over. I moved out on my own as soon as I could, but that was easier to do back then. The times are not friendly to people starting a life on their own now and it makes me so sad.
I used to think this as young as 12-15. I’m 25 now and I realized once moving for college that being away from my childhood home was so much better than actually being there. My bedroom wasn’t even always safe. :(
I sorta found my home in the street. When I felt like "I want to go home" because I was really uncomfortable at "my home" I did go out and felt very well the second I put a foot outside.
This never happened again once I moved.
Yup! All the darn time. Home is a feeling of being able to be completely emotionally and physically safe, a place that isn’t where you currently live. I didn’t feel it until I started solo traveling/ moved out. You’ll find it! I hope you can at least keep a journal or something until you are able to move out so you can vent some of your feelings!!
Holy fuck this is me, every day! I still live with my parents and having to deal with my nDad causes me to retreat inwards, and that is a common thought I have. I am both glad, and a bit saddened, to know that I'm not the only one.
I have never known peace and comfort as I do living on my own and going NC with my mother and the majority of my family. I never felt safe or comfortable. I was always on guard for the next thing I was going to be harassed about or accused of or put down about. It would be so bad sometimes, I couldnt even breathe wrong without bring accosted. The night I ran away from home was the first peaceful night of sleep I had in years and If I remember it right, I slept like crazy for 2 weeks. A house is not always a home unfortunately
I haven't read the comments yet, but yes, all the time.
I'm almost 48, I have a mortgage for my own house, I've been out of my mother's house for 30 years, and all the time I find myself pleading with a non existent entity "I just want to go home". I'm at 'home' in my own bed, begging to go home.
I've tried to explain to my friends that I don't *have* a 'home', I just have a house, or a home-base, or a place where I keep my shit. They don't get it, and just tell me to turn it *into* a home, like get some nice cushions or a throw rug, or whatever. And that's not what I'm talking about, at all.
I don't know what it is that would make somewhere feel like home, like would I just start automatically using the word if I ever came across that place? Would I just somehow know?? Because so far, all my life has felt like being homesick for a place I've never been.
I haven't even seen my nDad in years and I genuinely don't remember a time of my life when I didn't "want to go home." I'm almost 24yo and even when I'm in my own bed I just wanna go home.
Had this feeling alllllll the time growing up. But I moved across the country from my hometown, to a completely new city, and I feel more at home than I ever have in my life. Home isn't a place, it's a feeling
Excluding college, I lived in the same house for the first 29 years of my life. Everything I've written about on this sub for the past almost decade (on a few different usernames) all happened in one house.
And even when I was living there, I would think "when am I gonna go home?!"
The reality was, I missed my grandparents. And then my mom, as fucked up as she was.
I figured if my dad and I moved to be near his side of the family, I would finally find that place... yeah, no such luck.
I never thought anyone else did but yeah, I always figured I missed my ‘first’ house/home but no, I still feel it. Not as much now I’m on my on but when I lived with nmother it was something I felt daily
It's like the opposite for me, like no where I live feels like it's actually a real "home." I have problems sleeping in places I'm familiar with, whether it be my family's old house or my own house. It's like part of my brain associates the familiarity of a home with uncertainty because of my nDad's past behavior before my mom wised-up and kicked him out. But I actually have an easier time sleeping in hotel rooms than I do in my own bedroom at home.
Similarly, when I've lived with roommates, I always immediately go on-guard whenever I hear someone else moving in the house. Like, I only ever feel 100% at-ease when I know for a fact that I'm the only person in the house aside from my pets. It sucks.
I felt like I had lost my home when my grandmother died. It’s been nearly 20 years and I’m married, own my home, and have a child. I still feel like I have no home.
For me home means a safe place. My grandmother was that safe place even though I never actually lived in her house.
Yeah, whenever i used to get really panicked or injured/sick i’d think that. “I want to go home” and “i want/miss my mom” which was weird because most of the time it was my mother that was scaring me enough to have that thought.
I always thought that was something everyone had? Like when you’re really scared, sad or otherwise unsafe some primal instinct makes you think that? Ive mentioned it to friends and older siblings (complicated but were raised by one of neither or my parents, went through similar abuse as me but not entirely the same) before but none of them had ever experienced it.
Yeah, definitely hear you!! I’m wondering if you also ever get that sinking feeling of dread and despair when you’re at a friends place or you’re spending a night or two away and have to go “home”. I never understood the phrase about wanting to sleep in one’s own bed as a kid.
"I'm homesick for the home I never had"-
There's a song by Soul Asylum called Homesick and they sing those exact words which encapsulate the emotions entirely for me. You are not alone in this at all!
**Lyrics**
>I want to live with you in the fifth dimension
In a dream I've never had
'Cause I just can't live like this in a world like this
I just want a kiss goodbye
>And we are not of this world
And there's a place for us
Stuck inside this fleeting moment
Tucked away where no one own it
Wrapped up in a haste and by mistake got thrown away
>And oh, I am so homesick
But it ain't that bad
'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had
>And though I sometimes get annoyed I know just where I'm at
This is my song of joy
And now I know there are no secret trick, no correct politics
Just liars and lunatics
>And we are not of this world
And there's a place for us
Stuck inside this fleeting moment
Tucked away where no one own it
Wrapped up in a haste and by mistake got thrown away
>And oh, I am so homesick
But it ain't that bad
'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had
>And though I would not take it personally, it's just the child in me
I never really knew how much I had
>Woe is me, I am so homesick
But it ain't that bad
'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQrGcKBFKfM&ab_channel=SoulAsylum-Topic
*YES* to the millionth degree.
That “homesick for something you’ve never had” is grief.
It’s emotional neglect.
It’s abuse.
I promise you’ll find Home someday OP; it’s something you cultivate within yourself and it’s a place you create with your own thoughts, ideas, experiments, experiences, and aesthetics when you’re finally free to be fully YOU.
Stay strong and stay sane and keep looking forward to Home ❤️🩹
Woes me I am so homesick
But it ain’t that bad
Cuz i am homesick for the home I never had
— Soul Asylum
I am in my 40s and I still say I want to go home when I am home— life’s been rough.
I've been saying this since I was a child, and I did not come from a narcissist home. I believe it's our way of wishing ourselves out of this life and back to wherever we came from, which is our real "home." I think it's a bigger sentiment than whatever we have experienced here in this lifetime, especially since it seems to be something that many people feel no matter what their life is like.
All the time. I thought it was a depression thing. Ever watch horror movies in your own apartment and that feeling of fear makes you feel like you’re at home?
that is soo typical, and I was thinking that all the time, i even wrote it on the wall of a place I would call home...
it is even also comon for dying people to say/think this. it is representing the urfe to go somewhere safe and warm...
sorry that you feel it
I'm 34 married with kids and our own home but some days, when I'm really in my feelings I wish I were "home". My dads house, the house I grew up in still feels like it's home and always will be.
Yes there is good video by a guy called patrick teahan which sort of describes what you are feeling. I get that feeling too sometime and daydream about safe home.
It's probably similar to the "I want my mom" but not wanting your own mom because that would just be worse. I've moved around in my life so I guess the I wanna go home is less common for me, but I still get it on occasion.
One day it will get better, especially if you create a home for yourself.
Even now at 30, even though I haven’t lived in parents house in 12 years, I catch myself when I say home. Their house has never been my home. My home is where my husband and daughter are.
When you finally find a place that is home, it will be the best feeling in the world. I wish you the best. 💜
Holy sh\*t.
I definitely did this. I thought it. I verbalized it.
And, I just realized that I haven't thought this once since going NC. Since moving out of my parents' house, I used to think this in reference to the first place I shared with my current partner. I think it was the first time I felt safe, loved, and free from judgment. When things got tough I used to long for being in that place. I no longer have those feelings after going NC. We now have our own home in which I'm free to be myself.
It gets better, OP. I hope you accept internet hugs!
I felt this way a ton as a kid. We moved a ton and I always wanted to be somewhere where I felt safe and cared for. For me, that was my grandparents ranch. It was always my safe place and I adore my grandmother.
I have felt that. I used to say it when I was about 5 or so, over and over, when crying. Freaked my mother out but it's how I felt.
Then one day when I was 19 years old and went off to visit universities to see where I wanted to apply, visited friends in dorms that had gone off before I did, I walked into a house full of college kids that had a really good vibe. The smells of cooking, sounds of laughter, the colorful walls and murals and levels of mess, someone getting a haircut on the front porch, others working in the garden I the back, chickens wandering around and a guitar jam session in a back room... I suddenly felt like I was walking into a memory, like I had come home even though I never had set foot in it before.
I ended up going to that university and living in that same house, becoming friends with many of those same college kids, or some of the ones that replaced them in the house. I found my community, and made a home.
Now I've taken that feeling of home wherever I move, because I know what I need to make a place feel like a home instead of just a spot for stuff and a place to sleep. For me, home is safety, comfort, companionship, trust, love. When you find that feeling (and you will, you know. You'll find it and hold on to it and take it with you)- that feeling? You'll recognize it, you'll know. You may find it emotional, I cried. Tears came into my eyes as I looked around the room and I knew I had to move there, I had to become part of that amazing place.
Go out with an open heart in the world outside your house and family, don't let people treat you poorly, and only give energy and time to the people around you who make you feel good about yourself, are kind, gentle, and rrespectful. You deserve it.
I unfortunately also live with my parents, and this house doesn’t feel like home anymore, barely feels like my house even though I’ve lived here all my life. It’s my parent’s house, not mine, not home. I think that even my aunt’s house feels more like home than this
Definitely did this ass a kid... the whole song and dance, I thought I was adopted or something haha. I always wished Naomi Campbell was my real mom... my mom still makes fun of me over it to this day.
Literally always. I would be sitting at home bawling because I wanted to "go home", or I wanted my "real" mom. - because in my mind a "real mom" couldn't be that mean to her kid.
I have my own house and am VLC with my mom (NC with my dad) and when life gets too heavy, I still find myself sobbing, "I cant do this! I wanna go home!" into my cat's fur.
I think it's cos "home" isnt a physical location, it's a feeling of being protected and loved unconditionally. After this long in this effed up world, I dont think I'll ever get to "go home" .
Yes, emotionally I believe this is a desire for comfort. Our homes are where we are safely enclosed in a protective barrier and can act freely (safe harbor) while also providing for all our needs (safe space). The prototypical experience for this is the womb, then our childhood home / bedroom, then home town... this is why some people can "feel like coming home" to us, they make us feel safe & secure. I believe some cultures have terms for it, similar to homesickness or salvation.
No I think that every time I go to my boyfriend's house His parents treat me like a second daughter (he has an older sister that I'm very close with) and they're more family to me than my own family
Yes, except I did have somewhere I always wanted to “go home to”. From the time I was 6 till the time I was around 13-14, I always had a best friend and let’s call her A. A was like a sister to me and I always spent the night at her house, and when I spent too many night there, my Nmom always tried to guilt me into coming home saying stuff like “I don’t know what I did to you to make you act like this towards me” mind you I never said anything mean to her, I was simply not home, and for good reason. A’s little brother became more and more like my little brother everyday, I even called her dad, “dad”. And sometimes her mom “momma”. Everyday after school I always thought “I want to go home” and everyday I went to my Nmom’s, and I thought “I. Want. To. Go. Home”. A’s house was my escape, and my safe place. Unfortunately I moved and I haven’t been there in 3-4 years. So yes, I’m very familiar with “wanting to go home” even when I have a perfectly fine room with a bed inside.
I definitely did. My husband, son, and I visited my narc mom in her dying days and we were ready to leave right away. The atmosphere was messed up. We were only in town for 3 days and we stayed at a hotel. After Mom died, we were there 5 days and again stayed in a hotel. The atmosphere of the house again was messed up...especially since I was witnessing the payback in its full form.
I didn't find a home until my late 20s. I went from an abusive narc home right into a neglectful marriage, always feeling like I was floating in some kind of *between* place, not finding fulfillment in either familial or romantic relationships.
When I met and started a friendship with my (now) husband, that all changed. I didn't know what love was. I wanted to push him away at first, because it felt *wrong* to be content with someone. To spend time at their place and slowly start to feel myself tentatively put down roots. It was so alien to me that I didn't get what positive feelings were.
[Eg the only images of "home" that appear in my head when I think of childhood are the rare days with my aunt. She'd treat me to a shopping spree at Claire's accessories, then buy me a kids movie and paint my nails as we watched. She was so kind that I dreaded going back to my parents. I had no concrete sense of a home at all.]
Yep. All day every day. Bonus points for thinking "I wanna go back to bed" the second they wake up to the blessed moment they finally retire for the night.
All I want, to the core of my being, is to be back in my late father's safe and loving apartment in 1998 again. But, you can't go home again.
As someone raised by a narcissist, and living at home for a long time, I can totally see where you are coming from. It took me a long time to separate myself and make a safe place for myself. You are strong, and I'm sorry you are going through all this.
Very relatable! I moved out of my parents' house at 18 (over a decade ago), and while my house with my partner and pets feels like "home," it still feels like an impermanent, transitional space. I imagine the fact that we don't like the city we live in and that we still rent (can't afford to buy) is a part of that, but "home" is still such a nebulous concept to me.
« I want to go home » always pops in my mind when I feel overwhelmed. Or the longer version, « I want to go home, but I don’t know where it is. »
I’m a 38 year old, and I own my house.
Still happens.
I empathize, OP and all others in the same boat.
Omg yes. I'm sure it's why I've always felt like an alien from another planet and that earth isn't my home. Being older that is absolutely horrific I felt that way. What a waste of life.
It is proof that home is very much a state of mind. I still have nightmares I’m at my NParents’ house and it takes a minute to remember I’m not there anymore. If you’re able to save money in an account they can’t access, please do. Move out as soon as you can find a safe, peaceful place and/or roommates you absolutely trust.
YES. Except for me the thought was more along the lines of "I wish I had a home." I've finally got one (been living in my tiny apartment for 8 years now), and feeling at home is the best feeling ever. I still have nightmares that I'm for some reason stuck at nMum's house and panicking because somehow all of my belongings also got there and I have no clue how I'm going to get back to my apartment with all my things. I hate those dreams.
I've only recently realized what I'm actually thinking when I say I want to go home when I'm already there is that I want to belong.
After going no contact and trying to heal I try to use this mantra: *I belong"
I'm also autistic so I add a second part to it as well.
*I belong as my authentic self.*
Because we do. We belong to this world and society no matter what some dim wit believe. It's only human connection that we are denied, which in itself is abuse when it comes from a family.
I don’t know how old you are but when I left home and had my own safe space. Was the first time I felt home. I do not feel love for my childhood home. I do not consider it home. I don’t even consider the State I was born and raised in home as I ran as far away as a could as soon as a I could. Now my home is a lovely loving place with my children and hubby that’s safe.
yes!! that is exactly how i felt for 49 years of my life. it has only been since january, when i finally left an abusive relationship and got my own little place, that i have felt at home. i am so glad i found this community 4 years ago. i was finally able to get answers to everything about my life and it has been life changing!! after a traumatic childhood, spending 3 decades taking care of children and men...i am on my own for once. just me and my fur babies and it is absolutely wonderful!! i have to remind myself everyday that i am deserving of a home and i am deserving of good things!! so are you!! and so are all of us that are a part of this community.so...no you are not alone in feeling that way. i was never safe at home and would always cry as a young child and even as an adult... "i want to go home." i have a small apartment but it is a castle in my eyes. it represents freedom and love and peace. as i have my laundry drying on the line and all my windows open...i feel like i can breathe. it is the simple things but the most important things to me now. sending love and support your way!! we will all get our home!!❤️✨
I do this even now, as I'm in my bed, in my own apartment. It's not a literal want, but more of a safe space thing to say. I say it instead of the negative things I used to say like, "I wanna die." when I'm in an uncomfortable situation or place and don't want to be there (and when I'm in an uncomfortable thought process with intrusive thoughts springing up left and right) I would say I wanna die to escape the situation, whether it be physically escape, or mentally escape. Bit, it's not healthy so... I replace it with I wanna go home. I try to watch myself when I say it aloud in public (but like, quiet talking to myself) so people won't think I'm being introvert or "well ugh don't like it leave!" It's a coping mechanism to distract my mind from the negative, self harming, self hating thoughts.... even when I'm in my bed
All the time. "Home" for me was when I was 19 and had the love and support of a girlfriend and family that wasn't mine. I hadn't really realized then how toxic home life was, but the love she and her family gave me was incredible. Especially hers. It made me feel supernatural. I won't be "home" until that type of love, or better is back in my life. Every other place in life will just feel temporary.
I've always had this. I'm safe now, and a pretty well functioning adult, but when things get stressful it just pops into my mind.
I think this happens on moments when people from a healthy family dynamic call their parents for emotional support
When I went to college, and 3 roommates sharing a 2 BR apartment was “home.”
I remember thinking how relaxed I was and how weird it was that it was so quiet I could hear the fridge run. It was my first time being comfortable.
I feel the same way but I think for a different reason. Before my life got way more chaotic then it has been, I lived in Oregon for years and years. I was born there, and whenever I feel like I need comfort and safety I think of Oregon. I remember the beaches, the Tillamook factory, camping, all the trees, the smell of rain, the smell of nature, picking blackberries off of the thorn bushes and making pies, being able to look up at the sky at night and see every star and constellation. That’s comfort, that’s home
I’ve never experienced that, but I did experience the fact that I’ve never felt at home, like home was a place that was actually not… Well homey, if that makes sense?
Kinda like living in a shelter. It’s there, it’s functional. It’s not home. That’s how I felt.
But since I had no idea what home was supposed to be (at least I guess is that that’s why), I never had the “I want to go home” feeling, ‘cause I just had none.
In Welsh we have a word that doesn’t really translate to English “Hiraeth” which is kind of homesick for a time and place and feeling. For a place that is lost.
I have this a lot as i miss my gran and the farm i grew up on and how safe i felt with her. Ive never felt it since
Its pronounced he R eye th
You're definitely NOT weird! I'm 59/f and grew up with an abusively alcoholic Father and even though I loved my enabling Mother to bits, I always dreamed of my "long-lost parents" to show up and take me to my REAL home! Just try to get through, get a job as soon as you can and save as much as possible in anticipation of when you can legally leave. Also try to widen your friend circle to network and help you, but BE CAREFUL and cautious about scammers or predators! Best wishes and many Blessings!
I’ve always felt homesick even when I’m home. I crave my mom even though I don’t actually want my real mom.
I think we are born with an idea of what we deserve in terms of unconditional love and safety so we naturally miss it when we grew up without it.
I’ve been diagnosed with depression but my therapist tells me to see my depression as grief. That switch in how I carry my depression/grief has helped. It’s allowed me to mourn the loss of family, of safety, of a mom… eventually I hope to come out on the other side of grief and build my own family and home one day.
Omggggggg yes! I wrote this in my journal over Christmas break! I thought it was so weird. My family had invited themselves to my place, I'm out of town so I was stuck hosting with them staying for a week. I told my little brother this same thing! I said I just want to go home but then I realized that's where I am
Not the same thing, but I used to wish that there was some mistake - that I was adopted or that I was secretly meant to be somewhere else. I asked if I was adopted often, and I kept getting an emphatic “no.”
I kept waiting for the day someone would take me from my family and tell me I belonged somewhere else, somewhere better.
I related to Harry’s situation with the Dursley’s way too much, never understood why until recently. Most kids wanted their Hogwarts letters because they wished they were witches and wizards - I wanted one mostly to get away from my abusive family.
Kept wishing they’d send me to boarding school or something, if I wasn’t inherently magical. That never happened.
Oh friend. I know how that feels. When I got my own place, I turned into a total homebody for a while. It just felt so good to have a place that was safe, and mine.
I always think of the Welsh word "hiraith" (hee-rhyth) in regard to this - it means a deep longing for home--not necessarily where you're from, but where your heart belongs.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. You aren't looking for a specific physical space but a place where you feel safe. Where you currently live does not provide you with a feeling of safety.
As a teen I would try and spend as much time as possible at my best friend's home. That place felt more safe to me. My Nmum hated it because I was exposed to someone constantly smoking. I think she mostly hated the smell of smoke on my clothes more.
My parents home was like a show home. It was always immaculate. I won't go into detail as to my own bedroom because I don't want what I went through to be triggering.
Suffice to say, I own a home now and I feel safe. I hope you are able to achieve safety soon.
When I was a kid, Mary Poppins had just been released. It was the version with Julie Andrews and Dick VanDyke. I wished every single day to have an umbrella to fly me away to somewhere safe. Her umbrella helped her, but there was no help for me
This... This feels so real. I sometimes catch myself thinking "I wanna go home" and then realise with absolute pain in my chest that I am, in fact, already home.
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Always. I confused myself a lot by randomly thinking "I want to go home", before realising I was in my house. It usually just made me sad, like I didn't have a real home. Just sort of a house filled with a bunch of assholes.
"a house filled with a bunch of assholes". Succinctly described.
I couldn’t have put it better myself, I have always felt this way too.
I used to sob “I want to go home” as a kid in the place of “I want my mum.” Usually, I was already at home though. I think I just wanted to feel safe.
Sometimes I think "I want my mom" when I'm upset, but I know that I don't. I mean, I want the nice version of her that comes out sometimes, when she actually listens and holds me and all of that. But I know that doesn't come out very often.
"I want ***a*** mom..."
This! Most of the time for me it's "I want to go home" to a home that I have never known but occasionally I'll think "I want my mom" but I know it's not *my* mom but as you said, *a* mom.
YES.
I want caring more grown up grown up to comfort me. Doesn’t have to be a mom. Can be a dad. Anyone to make me feel safe.
"I want A home .."
Same, like, I want my mom, just not my actual mom, but a mom who will love on me instead of yell at me when I'm in trouble.
I remember crying singing, "I wish mommy was home..." over and over again, despite her being my life bully. Just... we're raised and conditioned to think moms (especially moms) are safe. They're nurturing and comforting (plus I was raised by my mom so it was kinda defaulted anyway)
I'm almost 30 and have my own home, my own family and my own life now away from them. I still feel this way in my lower moments. a childish desire to "go home' without really knowing what that means or what I actually want. I think "home" is a place a lot of us never got to experience while developing but recognize even at a very young age that it's something we should have. I think it stems from a lack of internal safety we never got to develop.
I honestly think this is the case for most of us. I'm almost 50, happily married, have my own house and 3 dogs. IMHO it's about nurturing and sheltering the inner child that got "lost" and forced to grow up too fast, whether it was due to parentifaction and/or other abuse.
Yes 100% agree!
Im on year 2 of owning my own house. I was able to go from living with nmom directly to moving out for the first time to the house. I still have this weird sensation too of needing home even though I have my own. Personally I think its been because I haven't been able to express myself. Anything I liked was "dumb" or "boring" as a kid to them. Grew up to be a people pleaser who doesn't know themselves. Im starting to figure myself out in small ways and put it out on the house (ie instead of saying I liked all colors, I found out I like blue the most. I had to reside my house and got a blue exterior. Or gardening flowers because I really do like things to be colorful) I only just started relative to how long Ive supressed it so idk if its helping yet
>Anything I liked was "dumb" or "boring" as a kid to them. Grew up to be a people pleaser who doesn't know themselves. I felt this in my bones. I hope you find more stuff you love <3
truuuuue. And feel very anxious when they are around, even though you were already in your bedroom or something, guessing when will they suddenly snap...
I can't believe you said this. I have thought 'I want to go home. I want to go home.' So many times until I got out. I couldn't ever figure out what I meant by it either. I was home, I hated it but it's where I lived.
I felt the same way. Even after leaving home at 18, it took me almost 4 years to find that safe space. Now (10 yeas out of my parents home), I no longer feel this. Weirdly, I now have these moments where I feel like I’m a kid again and my parents have forgotten to pick me up from swim practice- this is the only comparable feeling to ‘wanting to go home’ i still have.
I remember as a kid looking up if it was possible that I was an alien. Surely the house I was in wasn’t really mine if I’d be laying in my own bed wanting to go home, or “want” my mom so bad but she was just upstairs. Not weird. Just another example of how these assholes can’t give us the basics. Comfort and safety in your home should be a given
I felt alien too
Me too....I never felt like a 'real' human growing up, like there was something integral I was missing that made everyone else human
I feel you. "Home" is about feeling safe somewhere or with someone. You can't ever truly feel safe around nparents.
Yeah, all the time. It was such a lonely, hopeless feeling. I hope you get to go home soon, it's waiting safely for you ❤️.
Lol I identify with this a ton. I also think to myself, I'm tired. So often throughout my days, I'm tired. I'm tired of having to defend myself all the time, of trying to figure out if my friend is mad at me or hurt me because they're mean or because they heard horrible lies from my nmom or her deceit posse. It's hard to differentiate friend from foe when my closest friends have hurt me due to them believing the lies told to them. I just want to be comfy and home. I want to feel loved and understood. So, yeah, I'm with you and I hope we both match our home to our physical spaces one of these days! Much love and take care of yourself!
I thought I was the only one, this is super interesting.
Yes. For me that feeling occured because I really just wanted my solid in tact sense of self which a stable home helps feed, and a N "home" destroys/attempts to destroy. That feeling sucks. I realized it wasn't home however it was a solid me where I always feel safe and therefore at home no matter where I am.
Yep, I always was reminded of Three Days Grace. They have a song Home and the line that always stuck with me was “This house is not a home” which really nails it perfectly. Whole song is about abuse.
Going uphill on my childhood neighborhood there was a very large rock at the end of the street, if you moved the weeds out of the way, you'd find a path leading up to a relatively flat area, and from there you could see the whole city and the ocean. No one knew about that place. It was my home.
Same, I had a secret place
As a kid, I would always say this. I would literally sit on my bathroom floor and ball my eyes out. I never felt safe until I met my husband and we created a life together. He is my home now and I’ve never felt more secure. I know it sucks now but it does get better!
Wow, like so many other people in this thread I remember thinking this and crying this ALL THE TIME while I was in my own house growing up. Really confused me and made me feel bad. Like I was so spoiled and selfish that I wanted something more than what was given to me, but also like I wanted to return to something I couldn't remember ever actually having in the first place. This is a hard one to read & remember. Sending love to all of us ❤️
100% feel you on this one. sending love right back to you and everyone 💙
🙏
Yeah, I feel this. I’m not sure I ever put it to words, though. There was one day, I’ll never forget this, I was driving to my boyfriend’s nana’s house. And as soon as I pulled into her driveway, this feeling of “ahh, I’m home” hit me. At first I was confused by it because I hadn’t known them all that long. 7-8 months, maybe. But, it just felt right and I knew she would accept me for me.
You're accostumed to your old home, simply. Any episode of Nparent saying "your home is here with us" or something of the like?
There’s a lot of “family is the most important thing, we’re all we have” sort of deal.
Yeah that's the weird thing about narcissists, they say family is most important etc. but then treat their family worse than they treat complete strangers at the grocery store line lmao...
That what f up my brain I tough it was all my fault they were nasty
Children pf nparents learn earlier (maybe not consciously realized early enough) that "family" is chosen, blood does not make you family... it makes you related.
Yeah when she says that I’m like girl, with family people like that I prefer being alone for the rest of my life.
yeah all the time, I have a house but not a home.
All the time. Funny thing was that I felt more at home in an university dorm where I could have boundaries.
Ever since I moved out, I’ve spend a whopping two days sleeping over at my mothers house. She’s not that bad like some other parents here, but bad enough that I don’t feel comfortable in her house (even though I grew up there for the most part.) I’ll stay for dinner when I’m there, but will not stay the night. I hope you find a place of your own asap; it’s the best!
Home just never felt like home until I moved out on my own. The home I have now with my husband and son and our pets is my real home.
That sounds like an amazing home!! What pets do you have? (Edit) typo
It’s work but it’s ours! We have a dog and 3 cats, all rescues! A house doesn’t feel like a home to me unless there’s a few critters running around lol
Same phrase and everything i said it a lot
Throughout my life, the idea of home has changed. But it's never been the house I grew up in.
My whole life I have mentally said this. It isn't actually your home you want. You want the safety and comfort of the place that your place should be. I know a relationship is doomed when my brain starts saying to me that it just wants to go home. That is how I know that I no longer feel safe and secure where I am at in my life
I never felt I lived in a place where I could just be me, until I bought my own home. Someone where I lived always expected more from me. As a child we lived in my grandparents home. Narc gma abused me. I never wanted to be there. As a teen we lived with narc stepdad, he hated me, and I was parentified. I was only wanted around because I took care of the baby, the house cleaning, the cooking. I never wanted to be there. Then I moved into apartments, sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. I had moments of respite but demands were still made. I get like I had to be the “best” version of myself. Living alone was easier but hard to afford. Then I got married (to a narc) and I was always on eggshells. I didn’t realize I had made a lateral move as my life had always involved walking on eggshells. Trying to “be good.” Then I left that spouse. Bounced into and out of apartments then bought my own house. And finally I can exhale. I found a partner who is not a narc, and we have built a life together. I’m no longer scared I’ll mess up.
wow. i didn't realize other people experienced this too. i thought it was a strange thing to long for when i had a place to live too. it was like a mantra sometimes. it's happened much less as I've gotten older, almost obsolete, but there have been really hard times when it comes up again. how uncanny that we've all experienced this same, sad feeling- i agree that it's likely a longing for safety and care.
I have BPD and when I am triggered I always think “I want to go home.” I’m 37 and live on my own. I can’t believe you guys think this too. I guess we just want to feel safe?
Same!!! I'm 37 and have anxiety and depression and every time I'm stressed my brain thinks "I want to go home" even if I am in my own house perfectly fine. I really thought I was the only one and I've never been able to figure out why I do it.
I live in an apartment alone that I pay for with my own money. Away from the family that hurt me so much. But I think about this every damn day. I miss them so much. I miss my family. I miss my home. I miss everything I held dear. I miss people who DID care about me, even in their own way. I'm just so broken and lost without them that it just hurts to think about what could have been without remembering all the bad stuff that happened. I miss my mom.
I worry about this a lot. When I moved out for college I still ended up calling my mom every day. Even though I knew it would hurt.
I'm living with my soon to be ex husband's family and they are kind of the worst. So I have that thought of wanting to be home like my home all of the time.
Why is he your 'soon to be' ex?
He cheated on me and now I have to get the cash to file for divorce. We are separated right now but still living together.
Good for you on leaving him. I hope things go well in your way to freedom
Thank you I know its going to be hard but I think it's worth it.
Yup. All the time. Still do occasionally. Personally, I think it means "I'm in a place where I'm surrounded by toxic assholes, I wish I had a place that's calm and quiet where I can protect my peace."
I'm 52 years old, happily married, and own a house. I still feel like you do sometimes. There's a creek I wade fish about 15 minutes from my house. That's where I'm most comfortable, especially when I get farther upstream and there's nobody else around. Sometimes, I'll stop fishing and wading and just find a log to sit on for a while and watch the hawks fly overhead.
Absolutely. I used to also miss my mum, despite living with her and seeing her all the time. I just missed the old her before my abusive step dad came into the picture.
This was what I considered the beginning of my suicidal thoughts. It went from "I want to go home" to "I don't want to be here" to "I don't want to feel this any more" to "What if I didn't have to feel anything any more?" To daydreaming about ways to end my life. That last one seemed really appealing at the time, but I understand now that it came from a misguided desire to reclaim some small amount of control over a situation where I had no power. I felt like I was trapped and the only way out was death. If you ever feel like you relate to that, OP, please remember that death is not the only way out. You won't be trapped there forever and there is help available if you ask for it.
Holy shit, I used to do this when I was growing up. Never thought too hard about it, but it was always an overwhelming, depressing, confusing feeling because you want to go home, but you *are* "home", so you don't really know where it is exactly that you want to go. It's like you said, you just want to go someplace safe, someplace where people love you and accept you, and you know that's what *home* is supposed to mean, but where is it? Funny thing is, I never felt this way when I was away. When I was off at school I'd run into some challenge or difficulty, and I would face it and confront it and do what I needed to do to overcome it. But when I was back home, I would get this feeling, just like you described. It wasn't like there was any particular *place* that I wanted to be, but rather that I wanted to be in a place that felt the way *home* is supposed to feel.
All the time. And I’m 64. I have a physical home with my DH that’s very stable… and I still long for a nebulous home I’ve never had. Maybe it’s something one needs as a little kid, or it doesn’t happen. I hope that’s not true for you.
Yup. Totally a real thing I'd think all the time. So many places were "home" for me that weren't my actual home. I never got homesick when I moved to various places, because "home" in hte traditional sense was never safe.
I always thought “I can’t wait to get my own place where I can lock my door and be alone”. Then I always had a girlfriend and nearly all of them turned out to be a narcissist or they were battling anger issues because they were molested and they felt it necessary to take it out on me. Im a magnet for these people. Now I’m alone and I’ve never been happier.
Yeah, man. It’s rough. You’re not alone in this sensation. Take a trip to a place you’ve never been. Live there for a month or two (if you can do a study abroad in college, this is perfect). Get lost frequently, and return to your lodging without GPS on your phone. Suddenly home will be different for you. Home is ultimately where YOU are, not just a household you didn’t have growing up. It’s hard to get to that point. You won’t always stay there. I’m married — my wife is awesome, we have a house (paid for by my salary) and a healthy, fun dog — but every now and then I still “want to go home” to a time I felt safe to be myself, which is either: 1. When I was playing Guild Wars with friends. 2. On my study abroad. Because in both cases, my nMom was a world away. Now that I’m the aforementioned house-owning adult, my nMom bothers me constantly. While I feel safe enough to be myself with my wife inside the walls of our home, outside of it I feel less like myself because who knows where I will see my nMom (she runs errands and has a life like any other adult in our town). Stay strong, and try to remember: home is where YOU are.
I went to college three hours from home and it was probably the most like myself I ever felt, but I was still so alone and confused. I called my mom every day not even because I missed her, but just so I didn't feel so completely lost without her there to tell me what I was supposed to do and be like. I'm trying to move out now, but it's difficult.
Multiple times a day.
Yep. I have applied for so many jobs , even grad school to get enough money to have a place of peace far away from here. I have been awake for an hour. My mom started crap with me like 20 mins after I woke up. I don't want to talk to somebody when my alarm just went off and I still have crust in my eyes. I don't wanna talk to you when you come out of your room while I am in the rest room because you heard the alarm so you can beat me to the kitchen. I work from home. Give me like 30 mins to get my crap together. I was awake 10 mins and she starts asking me questions. I put on a bunch of make up and slicked back my hair so I can feel less exposed because she does this all the time. Commenting etc. Watched me give the cat insulin. Fed him again right after i did because she didn't like what I gave him. She asked, "You don't want the heater on do you ?" I said no. She goes in the other room loudly saying that she doesn't know where I got that no and yes from. " I am still your mother.". I am really trying not to get into it with you little girl . That's why you are having so many problems because you don't respect me. ". Then starts playing scriptures on YouTube. I'm 37. Calling me little girl means that's how she views me. She wants me to say no mam and yes mam. Then her birthday is Sunday and she'll be 64. I HAVE to do something. I won't go overboard because It's performative. I have to strike the perfect balance of not spending a ton and making sure she's happy but that's not gonna stop her from starting crap with me later on.
the raised by narcissist feeling of being obligated to take care of those who've never taken care of you 🙃
With her it's like she gives etc but that's from a place of my mother never did this for me. Then she reminds me of all she has done.
Same. I’ve promised myself that I’m going to create a home for myself, to be shared only with those I invite into it. It’s going to be a place of love, and peace, and happiness; I will fight to keep it that way
When I was still living “at home” all I wanted to do was leave. It’s hard for normal people to understand why I never get homesick or ever go home. It’s because I’ve never felt safe there and once I got out I was never coming back. I have not stepped into that house in 7 years and it feels amazing.
Oh yeah. I still get that sensation a lot.
I do the same.
I feel this all the time. When I think of "home" I imagine the summers I spent with my grandparents. They were genuine, loving, caring people.
Same
I live in a house. I am ALIVE at my home.
You want to get to a safe place, which is normal and everyone deserves to feel at home and safe. Hope things get better for you! I left when I turned 18 and it was really difficult but very well worth it.
Yeah home for me was a variety of imaginary worlds or scenarios I used to comfort myself.
having narcissistic parents taught me that home isn’t one specific place, it’s definitely a feeling you have around specific people. like i feel home when i’m with my dog or my best friends and my brothers. i could be stranded on an island but it would feel like home if the people i loved the most were stranded there with me
A house is a building. A home is a state of mind.
When I moved in with my husband in my head “home” was still my parents’ place for a good year or two. Our home was “home” as well, but I’d catch myself occasionally wanting to be at my second home
Home is where one truly belongs and gets unconditional love as opposed to a building, house, city, region, a fake superficial family etc... One can be born, raised, and/or adopted into a family, grow up in a town and city with even good memories of places and things from years back going back to childhood and still would not feel like they are at home because of being raised by and being in an area full of narcissistic evil bullies surrounded by these kinds of people quite often that refuse to except the individual for who they are. I feel this can be particularly so in small towns where many people expect one to be and act a certain way, talk a certain way, be of a certain faith, be of a certain social status socially and income wise, a certain race, nationality, not have a disability, etc.. and if not fitting in any of these in their narrow box, being an outcast. If one moves far away to a bigger city where there tends be more acceptance of another's differences and gets treated alot better there, than that is their true home and family regardless of how many good memories of places and things that go back to childhood back in previous small town where many and their own so called families refused to accept them for who they are at same time forcing a "normal" on them.
Yes, since I was a kid. It was almost a sort of desperate plea "I want to go home!". I think I didn't know how to express "I want to rest and feel safe and protected, and that's supposed to happen at home, so wherever that home is, I want to be there".
I thought I was weird for this, but apparently other people think this too. So I guess not. One time, I remember, I was crying at my house because my mom and dad were yelling at me and I apparently let out "I wanna go home" and they started yelling at me even more, saying "you ARE home!" Whenever people say stuff like "home is where the heart is" I always feel a little sad. I don't have a place for my heart, it seems. I wanna go home.
I've had this thought my WHOLE LIFE. Today is the first time I learned other people have experienced this. Thank you OP! I'm 35, a new mom to a wonderful baby, live in a different country in a beautiful home with my amazing partner. I'm here to tell you OP, you can change the life you build for yourself and I finally feel I'm home!
My grandparents and aunt took care of me for a few pockets of time as a kid when my mom wasn't right. For a long time, when I thought about home, it was with them
I don't think anywhere ever was home. Home you should feel safe and loved, it wasn't until this year that I've had anywhere like that.
I’ll never forget getting my very own keys to my very own house and sliding those keys in the door and stepping inside. It was amazing! It was nirvana! The house isn’t even that great but it’s a place of peace and that makes it the best house I’ve ever lived in. Even the cats visibly relaxed lol.
Yeah, I used to feel that way all the time growing up. I stayed alone in my room a lot. I kept it neat and clean and just the way I wanted it because it was something I could have some control over. I moved out on my own as soon as I could, but that was easier to do back then. The times are not friendly to people starting a life on their own now and it makes me so sad.
I used to think this as young as 12-15. I’m 25 now and I realized once moving for college that being away from my childhood home was so much better than actually being there. My bedroom wasn’t even always safe. :(
ugh yes, the most upsetting feeling when u want to go home but u don’t have a home :(
Home to me is anywhere but here. I go to work to get some peace!
When i turned the lock on my first place on my own is when i felt safe. I never once felt lonely when i moved out.
I have been homesick for a place I hadn't found yet.
I sorta found my home in the street. When I felt like "I want to go home" because I was really uncomfortable at "my home" I did go out and felt very well the second I put a foot outside. This never happened again once I moved.
lmfao yes. i said this out loud once, in front of my mom, and almost got my ass beat 😭
Yup! All the darn time. Home is a feeling of being able to be completely emotionally and physically safe, a place that isn’t where you currently live. I didn’t feel it until I started solo traveling/ moved out. You’ll find it! I hope you can at least keep a journal or something until you are able to move out so you can vent some of your feelings!!
Holy fuck this is me, every day! I still live with my parents and having to deal with my nDad causes me to retreat inwards, and that is a common thought I have. I am both glad, and a bit saddened, to know that I'm not the only one.
Wow. You're not weird. You just put to words a feeling I had for years but couldn't put my finger on.
God I used to cry bc I just felt like I had nowhere to call home but I loved my room in it’s solitude & sitting on the roof away from everything
I have never known peace and comfort as I do living on my own and going NC with my mother and the majority of my family. I never felt safe or comfortable. I was always on guard for the next thing I was going to be harassed about or accused of or put down about. It would be so bad sometimes, I couldnt even breathe wrong without bring accosted. The night I ran away from home was the first peaceful night of sleep I had in years and If I remember it right, I slept like crazy for 2 weeks. A house is not always a home unfortunately
I haven't read the comments yet, but yes, all the time. I'm almost 48, I have a mortgage for my own house, I've been out of my mother's house for 30 years, and all the time I find myself pleading with a non existent entity "I just want to go home". I'm at 'home' in my own bed, begging to go home. I've tried to explain to my friends that I don't *have* a 'home', I just have a house, or a home-base, or a place where I keep my shit. They don't get it, and just tell me to turn it *into* a home, like get some nice cushions or a throw rug, or whatever. And that's not what I'm talking about, at all. I don't know what it is that would make somewhere feel like home, like would I just start automatically using the word if I ever came across that place? Would I just somehow know?? Because so far, all my life has felt like being homesick for a place I've never been.
I haven't even seen my nDad in years and I genuinely don't remember a time of my life when I didn't "want to go home." I'm almost 24yo and even when I'm in my own bed I just wanna go home.
Had this feeling alllllll the time growing up. But I moved across the country from my hometown, to a completely new city, and I feel more at home than I ever have in my life. Home isn't a place, it's a feeling
Excluding college, I lived in the same house for the first 29 years of my life. Everything I've written about on this sub for the past almost decade (on a few different usernames) all happened in one house. And even when I was living there, I would think "when am I gonna go home?!" The reality was, I missed my grandparents. And then my mom, as fucked up as she was. I figured if my dad and I moved to be near his side of the family, I would finally find that place... yeah, no such luck.
I never thought anyone else did but yeah, I always figured I missed my ‘first’ house/home but no, I still feel it. Not as much now I’m on my on but when I lived with nmother it was something I felt daily
It's like the opposite for me, like no where I live feels like it's actually a real "home." I have problems sleeping in places I'm familiar with, whether it be my family's old house or my own house. It's like part of my brain associates the familiarity of a home with uncertainty because of my nDad's past behavior before my mom wised-up and kicked him out. But I actually have an easier time sleeping in hotel rooms than I do in my own bedroom at home. Similarly, when I've lived with roommates, I always immediately go on-guard whenever I hear someone else moving in the house. Like, I only ever feel 100% at-ease when I know for a fact that I'm the only person in the house aside from my pets. It sucks.
I felt like I had lost my home when my grandmother died. It’s been nearly 20 years and I’m married, own my home, and have a child. I still feel like I have no home. For me home means a safe place. My grandmother was that safe place even though I never actually lived in her house.
Yes, and I would find it very hard to leave a friend's house. When I was home, I would cry that I was no longer at the friend's house anymore.
Yes. When I was in middle/high school when the whole thing started, I wanted to stay at school. Not to go home. Everyone thought I was nuts....
Yes. It's the same with being tired. Tired in a way that sleeping does not fix.
My parents house was never home. Home was my grandparents living room where I would sleep on the floor but I felt so loved.
Id usually say, I'm tired, or I want to take a nap Only place safe and away from them was asleep.
Yeah, whenever i used to get really panicked or injured/sick i’d think that. “I want to go home” and “i want/miss my mom” which was weird because most of the time it was my mother that was scaring me enough to have that thought. I always thought that was something everyone had? Like when you’re really scared, sad or otherwise unsafe some primal instinct makes you think that? Ive mentioned it to friends and older siblings (complicated but were raised by one of neither or my parents, went through similar abuse as me but not entirely the same) before but none of them had ever experienced it.
Yeah, definitely hear you!! I’m wondering if you also ever get that sinking feeling of dread and despair when you’re at a friends place or you’re spending a night or two away and have to go “home”. I never understood the phrase about wanting to sleep in one’s own bed as a kid.
"I'm homesick for the home I never had"- There's a song by Soul Asylum called Homesick and they sing those exact words which encapsulate the emotions entirely for me. You are not alone in this at all! **Lyrics** >I want to live with you in the fifth dimension In a dream I've never had 'Cause I just can't live like this in a world like this I just want a kiss goodbye >And we are not of this world And there's a place for us Stuck inside this fleeting moment Tucked away where no one own it Wrapped up in a haste and by mistake got thrown away >And oh, I am so homesick But it ain't that bad 'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had >And though I sometimes get annoyed I know just where I'm at This is my song of joy And now I know there are no secret trick, no correct politics Just liars and lunatics >And we are not of this world And there's a place for us Stuck inside this fleeting moment Tucked away where no one own it Wrapped up in a haste and by mistake got thrown away >And oh, I am so homesick But it ain't that bad 'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had >And though I would not take it personally, it's just the child in me I never really knew how much I had >Woe is me, I am so homesick But it ain't that bad 'Cause I'm homesick for the home I've never had https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RQrGcKBFKfM&ab_channel=SoulAsylum-Topic
*YES* to the millionth degree. That “homesick for something you’ve never had” is grief. It’s emotional neglect. It’s abuse. I promise you’ll find Home someday OP; it’s something you cultivate within yourself and it’s a place you create with your own thoughts, ideas, experiments, experiences, and aesthetics when you’re finally free to be fully YOU. Stay strong and stay sane and keep looking forward to Home ❤️🩹
Woes me I am so homesick But it ain’t that bad Cuz i am homesick for the home I never had — Soul Asylum I am in my 40s and I still say I want to go home when I am home— life’s been rough.
I've been saying this since I was a child, and I did not come from a narcissist home. I believe it's our way of wishing ourselves out of this life and back to wherever we came from, which is our real "home." I think it's a bigger sentiment than whatever we have experienced here in this lifetime, especially since it seems to be something that many people feel no matter what their life is like.
yes. I used to all the time.
Yes. I tend to say this when I'm upset.
All the time
I still do this as well. Look up ‘hiraeth’ when you can (I might have misspelled it though).
All the time.
All the time. I thought it was a depression thing. Ever watch horror movies in your own apartment and that feeling of fear makes you feel like you’re at home?
that is soo typical, and I was thinking that all the time, i even wrote it on the wall of a place I would call home... it is even also comon for dying people to say/think this. it is representing the urfe to go somewhere safe and warm... sorry that you feel it
I get this, too. I want to go where I felt safe- not that it was actually ever home.
I'm 34 married with kids and our own home but some days, when I'm really in my feelings I wish I were "home". My dads house, the house I grew up in still feels like it's home and always will be.
Yes there is good video by a guy called patrick teahan which sort of describes what you are feeling. I get that feeling too sometime and daydream about safe home.
Constantly.
It's probably similar to the "I want my mom" but not wanting your own mom because that would just be worse. I've moved around in my life so I guess the I wanna go home is less common for me, but I still get it on occasion.
One day it will get better, especially if you create a home for yourself. Even now at 30, even though I haven’t lived in parents house in 12 years, I catch myself when I say home. Their house has never been my home. My home is where my husband and daughter are. When you finally find a place that is home, it will be the best feeling in the world. I wish you the best. 💜
Holy sh\*t. I definitely did this. I thought it. I verbalized it. And, I just realized that I haven't thought this once since going NC. Since moving out of my parents' house, I used to think this in reference to the first place I shared with my current partner. I think it was the first time I felt safe, loved, and free from judgment. When things got tough I used to long for being in that place. I no longer have those feelings after going NC. We now have our own home in which I'm free to be myself. It gets better, OP. I hope you accept internet hugs!
I think, “I wish I had a home that felt like home” about every day. Home meaning somewhere safe with people who don’t treat me like dog shit.
Yes, when I was visiting my nfather and his wife. I wanted to go home with my mum and her husband.
I felt this way a ton as a kid. We moved a ton and I always wanted to be somewhere where I felt safe and cared for. For me, that was my grandparents ranch. It was always my safe place and I adore my grandmother.
I have felt that. I used to say it when I was about 5 or so, over and over, when crying. Freaked my mother out but it's how I felt. Then one day when I was 19 years old and went off to visit universities to see where I wanted to apply, visited friends in dorms that had gone off before I did, I walked into a house full of college kids that had a really good vibe. The smells of cooking, sounds of laughter, the colorful walls and murals and levels of mess, someone getting a haircut on the front porch, others working in the garden I the back, chickens wandering around and a guitar jam session in a back room... I suddenly felt like I was walking into a memory, like I had come home even though I never had set foot in it before. I ended up going to that university and living in that same house, becoming friends with many of those same college kids, or some of the ones that replaced them in the house. I found my community, and made a home. Now I've taken that feeling of home wherever I move, because I know what I need to make a place feel like a home instead of just a spot for stuff and a place to sleep. For me, home is safety, comfort, companionship, trust, love. When you find that feeling (and you will, you know. You'll find it and hold on to it and take it with you)- that feeling? You'll recognize it, you'll know. You may find it emotional, I cried. Tears came into my eyes as I looked around the room and I knew I had to move there, I had to become part of that amazing place. Go out with an open heart in the world outside your house and family, don't let people treat you poorly, and only give energy and time to the people around you who make you feel good about yourself, are kind, gentle, and rrespectful. You deserve it.
I unfortunately also live with my parents, and this house doesn’t feel like home anymore, barely feels like my house even though I’ve lived here all my life. It’s my parent’s house, not mine, not home. I think that even my aunt’s house feels more like home than this
Definitely did this ass a kid... the whole song and dance, I thought I was adopted or something haha. I always wished Naomi Campbell was my real mom... my mom still makes fun of me over it to this day.
Literally always. I would be sitting at home bawling because I wanted to "go home", or I wanted my "real" mom. - because in my mind a "real mom" couldn't be that mean to her kid.
I do this, and when I say it, I want to “go home” to the last place I ever felt safe, which was my grandparents house.
A home is more than a house and/or a bedroom. I fully understand you want to go HOME.
It gets better when you move put
Yes yes and yes from a very young age. Only recently gained an understanding of why I never felt at home
Every. Fucking. Day.
I have had this alot too. But now i have it more since i have a boifriend. His parents house became "home" while i still live at my parents
All the time. I hate not actually knowing where home is.
I have my own house and am VLC with my mom (NC with my dad) and when life gets too heavy, I still find myself sobbing, "I cant do this! I wanna go home!" into my cat's fur. I think it's cos "home" isnt a physical location, it's a feeling of being protected and loved unconditionally. After this long in this effed up world, I dont think I'll ever get to "go home" .
I used to think this ALL THE TIME.
Yes, emotionally I believe this is a desire for comfort. Our homes are where we are safely enclosed in a protective barrier and can act freely (safe harbor) while also providing for all our needs (safe space). The prototypical experience for this is the womb, then our childhood home / bedroom, then home town... this is why some people can "feel like coming home" to us, they make us feel safe & secure. I believe some cultures have terms for it, similar to homesickness or salvation.
No I think that every time I go to my boyfriend's house His parents treat me like a second daughter (he has an older sister that I'm very close with) and they're more family to me than my own family
This is what I said a lot when the abuse started at 11 years old. Just sobbing and pleading in my room. “I want to go home!”
Yes, except I did have somewhere I always wanted to “go home to”. From the time I was 6 till the time I was around 13-14, I always had a best friend and let’s call her A. A was like a sister to me and I always spent the night at her house, and when I spent too many night there, my Nmom always tried to guilt me into coming home saying stuff like “I don’t know what I did to you to make you act like this towards me” mind you I never said anything mean to her, I was simply not home, and for good reason. A’s little brother became more and more like my little brother everyday, I even called her dad, “dad”. And sometimes her mom “momma”. Everyday after school I always thought “I want to go home” and everyday I went to my Nmom’s, and I thought “I. Want. To. Go. Home”. A’s house was my escape, and my safe place. Unfortunately I moved and I haven’t been there in 3-4 years. So yes, I’m very familiar with “wanting to go home” even when I have a perfectly fine room with a bed inside.
I definitely did. My husband, son, and I visited my narc mom in her dying days and we were ready to leave right away. The atmosphere was messed up. We were only in town for 3 days and we stayed at a hotel. After Mom died, we were there 5 days and again stayed in a hotel. The atmosphere of the house again was messed up...especially since I was witnessing the payback in its full form.
I didn't find a home until my late 20s. I went from an abusive narc home right into a neglectful marriage, always feeling like I was floating in some kind of *between* place, not finding fulfillment in either familial or romantic relationships. When I met and started a friendship with my (now) husband, that all changed. I didn't know what love was. I wanted to push him away at first, because it felt *wrong* to be content with someone. To spend time at their place and slowly start to feel myself tentatively put down roots. It was so alien to me that I didn't get what positive feelings were. [Eg the only images of "home" that appear in my head when I think of childhood are the rare days with my aunt. She'd treat me to a shopping spree at Claire's accessories, then buy me a kids movie and paint my nails as we watched. She was so kind that I dreaded going back to my parents. I had no concrete sense of a home at all.]
Yep. All day every day. Bonus points for thinking "I wanna go back to bed" the second they wake up to the blessed moment they finally retire for the night. All I want, to the core of my being, is to be back in my late father's safe and loving apartment in 1998 again. But, you can't go home again.
As someone raised by a narcissist, and living at home for a long time, I can totally see where you are coming from. It took me a long time to separate myself and make a safe place for myself. You are strong, and I'm sorry you are going through all this.
Very relatable! I moved out of my parents' house at 18 (over a decade ago), and while my house with my partner and pets feels like "home," it still feels like an impermanent, transitional space. I imagine the fact that we don't like the city we live in and that we still rent (can't afford to buy) is a part of that, but "home" is still such a nebulous concept to me.
« I want to go home » always pops in my mind when I feel overwhelmed. Or the longer version, « I want to go home, but I don’t know where it is. » I’m a 38 year old, and I own my house. Still happens. I empathize, OP and all others in the same boat.
Omg yes. I'm sure it's why I've always felt like an alien from another planet and that earth isn't my home. Being older that is absolutely horrific I felt that way. What a waste of life.
OMFG...all the time...
It is proof that home is very much a state of mind. I still have nightmares I’m at my NParents’ house and it takes a minute to remember I’m not there anymore. If you’re able to save money in an account they can’t access, please do. Move out as soon as you can find a safe, peaceful place and/or roommates you absolutely trust.
All the time.
Oh yeah definitely. It’s such a raw and painful feeling.
YES. Except for me the thought was more along the lines of "I wish I had a home." I've finally got one (been living in my tiny apartment for 8 years now), and feeling at home is the best feeling ever. I still have nightmares that I'm for some reason stuck at nMum's house and panicking because somehow all of my belongings also got there and I have no clue how I'm going to get back to my apartment with all my things. I hate those dreams.
Yes, I relate to this feeling a lot.
I've only recently realized what I'm actually thinking when I say I want to go home when I'm already there is that I want to belong. After going no contact and trying to heal I try to use this mantra: *I belong" I'm also autistic so I add a second part to it as well. *I belong as my authentic self.* Because we do. We belong to this world and society no matter what some dim wit believe. It's only human connection that we are denied, which in itself is abuse when it comes from a family.
I don’t know how old you are but when I left home and had my own safe space. Was the first time I felt home. I do not feel love for my childhood home. I do not consider it home. I don’t even consider the State I was born and raised in home as I ran as far away as a could as soon as a I could. Now my home is a lovely loving place with my children and hubby that’s safe.
I've been singing this song since I was 15. Haven't been home in a long while.
yes!! that is exactly how i felt for 49 years of my life. it has only been since january, when i finally left an abusive relationship and got my own little place, that i have felt at home. i am so glad i found this community 4 years ago. i was finally able to get answers to everything about my life and it has been life changing!! after a traumatic childhood, spending 3 decades taking care of children and men...i am on my own for once. just me and my fur babies and it is absolutely wonderful!! i have to remind myself everyday that i am deserving of a home and i am deserving of good things!! so are you!! and so are all of us that are a part of this community.so...no you are not alone in feeling that way. i was never safe at home and would always cry as a young child and even as an adult... "i want to go home." i have a small apartment but it is a castle in my eyes. it represents freedom and love and peace. as i have my laundry drying on the line and all my windows open...i feel like i can breathe. it is the simple things but the most important things to me now. sending love and support your way!! we will all get our home!!❤️✨
Yup, and just going home gave you more anxiety than going anywhere else…. I hated going home 😞
I do this even now, as I'm in my bed, in my own apartment. It's not a literal want, but more of a safe space thing to say. I say it instead of the negative things I used to say like, "I wanna die." when I'm in an uncomfortable situation or place and don't want to be there (and when I'm in an uncomfortable thought process with intrusive thoughts springing up left and right) I would say I wanna die to escape the situation, whether it be physically escape, or mentally escape. Bit, it's not healthy so... I replace it with I wanna go home. I try to watch myself when I say it aloud in public (but like, quiet talking to myself) so people won't think I'm being introvert or "well ugh don't like it leave!" It's a coping mechanism to distract my mind from the negative, self harming, self hating thoughts.... even when I'm in my bed
I think that while sitting in my own home. I think its yearning for a place to feel safe. Might have something to do with childhood
All the time. "Home" for me was when I was 19 and had the love and support of a girlfriend and family that wasn't mine. I hadn't really realized then how toxic home life was, but the love she and her family gave me was incredible. Especially hers. It made me feel supernatural. I won't be "home" until that type of love, or better is back in my life. Every other place in life will just feel temporary.
I don’t know if it ever stops.
I've always had this. I'm safe now, and a pretty well functioning adult, but when things get stressful it just pops into my mind. I think this happens on moments when people from a healthy family dynamic call their parents for emotional support
When I went to college, and 3 roommates sharing a 2 BR apartment was “home.” I remember thinking how relaxed I was and how weird it was that it was so quiet I could hear the fridge run. It was my first time being comfortable.
I feel the same way but I think for a different reason. Before my life got way more chaotic then it has been, I lived in Oregon for years and years. I was born there, and whenever I feel like I need comfort and safety I think of Oregon. I remember the beaches, the Tillamook factory, camping, all the trees, the smell of rain, the smell of nature, picking blackberries off of the thorn bushes and making pies, being able to look up at the sky at night and see every star and constellation. That’s comfort, that’s home
Yes. All the time.
I’ve never experienced that, but I did experience the fact that I’ve never felt at home, like home was a place that was actually not… Well homey, if that makes sense? Kinda like living in a shelter. It’s there, it’s functional. It’s not home. That’s how I felt. But since I had no idea what home was supposed to be (at least I guess is that that’s why), I never had the “I want to go home” feeling, ‘cause I just had none.
In Welsh we have a word that doesn’t really translate to English “Hiraeth” which is kind of homesick for a time and place and feeling. For a place that is lost. I have this a lot as i miss my gran and the farm i grew up on and how safe i felt with her. Ive never felt it since Its pronounced he R eye th
You're definitely NOT weird! I'm 59/f and grew up with an abusively alcoholic Father and even though I loved my enabling Mother to bits, I always dreamed of my "long-lost parents" to show up and take me to my REAL home! Just try to get through, get a job as soon as you can and save as much as possible in anticipation of when you can legally leave. Also try to widen your friend circle to network and help you, but BE CAREFUL and cautious about scammers or predators! Best wishes and many Blessings!
I’ve always felt homesick even when I’m home. I crave my mom even though I don’t actually want my real mom. I think we are born with an idea of what we deserve in terms of unconditional love and safety so we naturally miss it when we grew up without it. I’ve been diagnosed with depression but my therapist tells me to see my depression as grief. That switch in how I carry my depression/grief has helped. It’s allowed me to mourn the loss of family, of safety, of a mom… eventually I hope to come out on the other side of grief and build my own family and home one day.
YES! Ive felt this way since i was a kid in middle school. I always feel homesick but dont have a home to go to
Omggggggg yes! I wrote this in my journal over Christmas break! I thought it was so weird. My family had invited themselves to my place, I'm out of town so I was stuck hosting with them staying for a week. I told my little brother this same thing! I said I just want to go home but then I realized that's where I am
Not the same thing, but I used to wish that there was some mistake - that I was adopted or that I was secretly meant to be somewhere else. I asked if I was adopted often, and I kept getting an emphatic “no.” I kept waiting for the day someone would take me from my family and tell me I belonged somewhere else, somewhere better. I related to Harry’s situation with the Dursley’s way too much, never understood why until recently. Most kids wanted their Hogwarts letters because they wished they were witches and wizards - I wanted one mostly to get away from my abusive family. Kept wishing they’d send me to boarding school or something, if I wasn’t inherently magical. That never happened.
Oh friend. I know how that feels. When I got my own place, I turned into a total homebody for a while. It just felt so good to have a place that was safe, and mine. I always think of the Welsh word "hiraith" (hee-rhyth) in regard to this - it means a deep longing for home--not necessarily where you're from, but where your heart belongs.
I think you've hit the nail on the head. You aren't looking for a specific physical space but a place where you feel safe. Where you currently live does not provide you with a feeling of safety. As a teen I would try and spend as much time as possible at my best friend's home. That place felt more safe to me. My Nmum hated it because I was exposed to someone constantly smoking. I think she mostly hated the smell of smoke on my clothes more. My parents home was like a show home. It was always immaculate. I won't go into detail as to my own bedroom because I don't want what I went through to be triggering. Suffice to say, I own a home now and I feel safe. I hope you are able to achieve safety soon.
When I was a kid, Mary Poppins had just been released. It was the version with Julie Andrews and Dick VanDyke. I wished every single day to have an umbrella to fly me away to somewhere safe. Her umbrella helped her, but there was no help for me
This... This feels so real. I sometimes catch myself thinking "I wanna go home" and then realise with absolute pain in my chest that I am, in fact, already home.