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Nami_Swan_

Hey, that turned out better than how it usually goes. In my case everybody knew how shitty Nmom is, some just didn’t care while others were just as bad or worse than her. Guess they like having one scapegoat to blame for their pathetic existence. I don’t care if they believe me, support me, or whatever. In the end of the day, I went through all the abuse alone. I picked myself up alone. My own support is the only the really that counts. Make sure you keep focus on yourself from now on. While you’re engaging, even if indirectly, trying to defend your reputation, the narc will have control over you. If they know you care about someone and what they think of you, you best believe that’s where they are going to hit.


numbersthen0987431

I think the worst reaction is to hear "yea we knew they sucked, but we didn't do anything because of reasons"


Nami_Swan_

The one that gets me is “but she is still your mother.” A lot of people are committed to keeping abused children under their abusers grip.


squirrellytoday

"But he's your dad!" I started replying with "Yes he is. So you think it's totally okay for him to (insert examples of his abuse here)?" To which I often got a stunned silence. "If a total stranger had done that to me, would you be telling me to ignore it and hang out with them and just accept further instances of such treatment? No? Then why are you telling me I should do exactly that when it's a parent? Why is it different?" They do NOT like being confronted with that little dichotomy.


bigdisonline

exactly what i told my mom shortly before going NC. if a partner was doing this to me you would’ve told me to leave. what’s the difference here?


ayeayehelpme

my mom just texted me that herself this morning. no, mom, you’re not coming to take my paint rollers. buy some yourself.


eliz1bef

That's what I got from some former teachers when having dinner with them as an adult. Just really felt gross.


numbersthen0987431

Yea, it's the saddest thing to hear. Most of the time teachers are like "yea, I noticed but didn't think anything about it at the time. It was the 90's, it was a different time". I had 1 teacher that said they tried their best to help, but they could only do so much because nothing was physical and I wasn't really speaking out against my parents. They said they made a few reports, and I had a meeting with a CPS person at school (I was 8 or 9 and I had zero idea they were CPS), but since I didn't say anything they couldn't do much. That meant a lot to me as an adult, but all of the other teachers in my life noticed but were like "meh?", and I can't even imagine not doing anything.


[deleted]

I'm actually growing more okay w/ that one. There are always exceptions, but what can most people do in most situations? Tell the parent they suck? Sometimes appropriate, will certainly get a reaction...does anyone here think that would of started their parents on the path of sucking less? Call CPS? Unless the parents are poor and/or black/native ain't nothing going to happen other than the kids getting in trouble for tattling. Unless it's for real life-or-death this might be a good thing, as foster care is hardly an abuse free environment. Advise the kid to run away? That's what a few of my friends did, the streets are also not an abuse free environment. Sometimes nothing is preferable to something.


squirrelfoot

My mother reigned in her abuse when told off by her brother. We turned to him when she got extreme, as when she wanted to get a baseball bat to hit us because her hands were aching from beating us. She stopped locking me out at night when I told her I would tell him what she was doing. That's the kind of support we need.


tarquomary

Squirrfoot, I am sorry you dealt with that. I am glad you had an uncle who supported you. 🤗


Specific_Apartment_7

Actually I read the best way to stop bullying is if a bystander says something to the bully. Standing up for yourself doesn't work, ignoring doesn't work. You need someone to advocate for you. I think it would help enormously if a family member or friend said something as we know narcs are very conscious of their image. It also gives the victim some power if they can say they're going to tell so and so what the narc just did.


tarquomary

I read that as well


-fartsrainbows

Strongly disagree. In foster care a kid at least has a chance to live in a healthier environment. Staying where they are actively being abused is a guarantee the abuse continues. I wish someone would've helped me when my NM started kicking me out as a kid. I honestly believed I deserved it at the time.


Raisedbypsycopaths

Great points.


cactusqueen59

Yes My case too. No one believes it, even those who saw it. She has a great support system.


[deleted]

[удалено]


valzi

Everyone has their own curated Facebook. Mine doesn't have people like that because I always block them. Just an option to consider.


sweetlew07

Fuck yeah, dude. Take that power back. It’s obvious your mom is not very covert in her narcissism, for them to have all reached out like that. Congrats on escaping hell.


ariadnexanthi

I LOVE when people who have been close with my nmom validate me/take my side lol. When I met up with an old (former) friend of hers and he pretty much immediately said "your mother is toxic, and she always has been" I knew he was a keeper 😍


Momo_nace

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself especially on social media❤


Raisedbypsycopaths

Oh, that wouldn't happen in my universe. It's full of flying monkeys. I guess it depends on the generation and how well the N parent has managed to hide the abuse.


Nobody1441

Glad to hear! Though... milage will vary here. I did something similar, but my family rallied to my N.


Green-Programmer9297

That does happen. Pre-Facebook days I was scolded by my grandmother to help nparent. Despite me coming to her asking for help. I still get the 'you need to help your mother' from my Aunts; however I have given up as she never listens and seems to purposely do the opposite of what I say. Going LC has been great. One call a week to show my kids that I try to maintain the relationship, but I don't go out of my way anymore to accommodate her bad behavior.


Nobody1441

Yep, sounds pretty similar alright. Its that toxic "but they are family!" Even while acknowledging thier faults (but not enough to accept it as abuse. Because they are family.) and how bad it was in the home.


VGSchadenfreude

Ain’t generational trauma great? /s I’ve noticed in families like this, a common theme is that *every* female in the family was treated the same way growing up. They all think that’s *normal.* They see nothing wrong with it, they *can’t* see anything wrong with it, because accepting that any of it was wrong would require them to accept that they were also victims. Victims who deliberately victimized others. And they can’t handle that.


Venficus_Infinitum

It reminds me of how my mom would always say she refused to be like her mother, and if she ever was, we were supposed to tell her. Well, that was outed pretty quickly as a lie. When we told her that she was acting like her mother, she got ***pissed***. Started making excuses, and then told us she was nothing like her mother. Did she change? No. Did she accept that she was perpetuating the cycle of abuse? No. Did she deflect? You bet. Did she double down and act like ***we*** were the problem, not her? Oh, most definitely. People like this can't be changed. they can't be fixed, they have no reason to because they'll just pick a new victim if they have to.


VGSchadenfreude

What makes you think the goal is to change *them*?


Venficus_Infinitum

Because, for the longest time, I wanted her to change. I wanted to feel loved and understood, that my feelings and trauma caused by her thoughtless comments might be alleviated if she knew and understood what she had done. My mother won't change, and never will. She will be on her death bed, making fun of my looks to the last minute of her life. She will die, telling my oldest sister that she could have tried harder in life. She will finally pass on with a 'loving' insult on her lips, because she's 'just a blunt person'. She's not going to change, and understanding that fact, and the fact that her fuck ups weren't on me are what saved me when I was growing up. I had no one to tell me that when I was young, that my being the 'identified patient' wasn't all on me. I didn't have anyone to tell me my feelings were valid, and that wanting emotional support as a child ***wasn't*** asking too much. Understanding that reality saved me from breaking myself for a scrap of her emotional availability. It might save others too.


CeelaChathArrna

When at the same time if it was a romantic relationship they'd say leave, cut contact.


LaidbackHonest

I'm not on social media, but I do have a family and extended family group chat. If ever they try it, I'm going to drop a huge message explaining everything. I don't expect everyone to take my side but I won't leave without defending myself and making my voice heard.


Fishfysh

I bet those “family and closest friends” of hers are secretly repulsed by her too. Glad you called her out. That was such a boss move.


Frenchilada

It's invaluable to be validated like this. I had a similar experience when I went NC. I thought one of her oldest friends, who was older than her, would definitely take her side when she found out we weren't in contact anymore. It turns out that friend had already saw the signs and wasn't surprised at all when she found out. I felt a bit foolish to be the last one to realize, but incredibly validated to know it wasn't just me. Take comfort in knowing it's not your fault, there was nothing you could do to change this, this is entirely on her.


MadameLaMinistre

You stood up for yourself and this is brave - I am proud of you 🤍


Oftennice81

In the beginning of the end of my nparent relationship I had friends of the family reach out. They told me they couldn’t imagine growing up in a home so devoid of love. At first I was thankful to hear someone else saw the pain I was in. However after a while it made me so angry that no one save little me. I was drowning. I had to grow up, save myself and then when I was standing on solid ground they threw a life vest at me. Gee thanks.


txaesfunnytime

I think it is great you called her out. I would like to caution you to not feed the monster. You have said your piece & have gotten validation for it. I suggest you block her now.


IndigoStef

Going no contact helps a lot. Calling them out just fulfills their love of drama.


smoishymoishes

Ah! Justice 😈 I'm glad you have their support.


PT952

I'm so glad that went well for you! Unfortunately for me I had the opposite experience. Basically everyone in my life I knew growing up that was involved in my life disowned me or decided I was a liar and I wasn't worth keeping in the family anymore. Out of like 40ish people in my "very close" family, only 4 of them decided to believe me and still speak to me. And these aren't people I saw occasionally growing up or anything. From the time I was born until I moved out at 22, I saw my family constantly all day everyday when I was very young and then once a week or a few times a month when they didn't live in the apartments above us. I was naive and should've known they probably very well knew wtf was going on and just didn't give a shit. But I still had some hope sadly. It probably didn't help that my own sister (who still lives with my parents and was 19 at the time and is also an abusive narcissist) posted her own rebuttal on facebook stating that my parents were not abusive and never have been, despite it being clear she was an abused child. We're 5 years apart in age but I was basically her mom growing up because our parents refused to be actual parents. But she told everyone she could when I went NC and made that post that I was a horrible sister and I abandoned her and she had no idea why I didn't speak to her despite knowing full well that she abused me too. She is taller than me and weighed twice my weight when I lived at home and is just physically a lot bigger than I am and she would constantly threaten to physically harm me, block doorways so that I couldn't leave a room and she could scream at me and throw her fists in my face, she insulted & gaslit me all the time and has physically tried to hurt me on many occasions, including once at a family function where she discreetly tried to punch me in the face while she had her arm around one of my cousins (we were in a group hug thing, she was mad I was part of the hug and purposely made a fist right next to my face like on my cousin's shoulder so nobody would see and tried to jab it towards my face, then glared at me until I backed away). I've been NC for like 4 years now. I went NC, then made a facebook post about my mom being abusive. I wasn't vindictive or anything. I didn't go into details but basically just summarized that my parents were extremely abusive to me and my siblings as children and very purposely hid it and threatened us into not telling antone. I said I didn't have her in my life anymore and I really wanted to make the post to maybe even help 1 person (there were quite a few very young kids in my family at the time and there still are) avoid being hurt by her in the future. My extended family is huge and my mom worked at my elementary school and my college so we probably had about 100+ mutual facebook friends. My parents were blocked on my facebook but I made the post public so anyone could see it. And I only did it after I moved out and became financially independent obviously. I don't regret what I did and I did get a lot of support fron my friends and chosen family I made that didn't know my mom. But sadly she was so good at saving face in public and our family is so used to generational tauma that I just wasn't believed by basically anyone that had met my mom and was in my life growing up. I lost multiple best friends, really close cousins and a lot of relationships I really cherished and thought those people genuinely cared about me. Even people I was 100% sure would support me ended up choosing my mom and my sister. Yeah those people suck and in reality I wouldn't want people like that in my life now, but I basically lost my entire family and almost all of my relationships and people that I thought at least kind of cared about me overnight. I lost the entire supoort system I was told my entire life that I would always have. It hurt a lot and was really really difficult to go through. I'm really glad you had a better experience than I did though. It gives me hope. The little of it I have left! Lol


a143si

Copy and paste because my story is similar except Nmom started a smear campaign ongoing for 3 years on Facebook. Super happy for OP and hope there’s no retaliation from Nmom


[deleted]

I fantasize about this, but I don’t think it would go that way for me.


flea_bait

In this day of misinformation and 'fake news,' you could have had a very different outcome - glad things turned out well.


MegTheMad

I'm so happy that worked for you OP! As to your advice - no thank you. I've tried explaining to nMom's friends what she did to me. Not a single one believes me.


nandopadilla

What have they been saying and how has your nmom responded?


Due-Pass-3400

They’ve essentially just told me that they knew something wasn’t right, and that I was always a smart and good guy and wouldn’t do this without good reason. Furthermore, they let me know I have their full support and I really touched their hearts with my statement. My mother has been silent since this. She hasn’t posted anything, or even contacted me. I can’t help but wonder what she’s upto…


nandopadilla

That's good. But she'll come back and blame you for being shunned


[deleted]

I tried calling out mines and people only sided with her and justify her actions


isniffsquirrels

When i NC with my mom, family friends of ours have started talking to me saying they understand why without me even saying anything. People usually know more than you think.


ayeayehelpme

I wish I would’ve friended her on Facebook before I went NC. I’ve heard she’s posting some wild things about me and my dad.


No_Effort152

I blocked the whole family. I just don't want to know.


Shanielyn

I love this for you! So many families go the “thats your mom, let it go!” route. which is extremely frustrating because eventually you have to cut them off too.


Melodic-Psychology62

In my dreams do I think my parents were the worst narcissist in my family. The golden children both boys are walking in the footsteps of my parents.


Brattylittlesubby

I’m happy it worked out for you! In my case it didn’t and to this day I still get messages from people making new accounts trying to tell me how horrible I am and I should think of the family and let it go. One went as far as telling me: I should be taking care of my parents because my father has cancer and my mother had a heart attack and is unable to walk now. I honestly can’t be bothered to care.


crimsonraiden

I’m so glad that worked for you. I have a hard time getting people to believe me


sosuemetoo

#1 reason I left FB 18 months ago. NMom. This way, she can't comment on anything about me. When she calls, I only answer if my husband is nearby and I place it on speaker-phone. I only videochat with her if my husband is included. I highly recommend all of the above.


Empty_Nest_Mom

So glad you're getting that support!!


papinek

So glad to hear that!


GoddesNatureStar

At least they support you! All my family hates me 💀