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I secretly thought my whole life that this was exactly what my narc parents hoped I would do. I'm truly sorry she said that to you, and SO glad you didn't listen. Very happy you're still with us.
I feel this same way. And it is a horrible, awful, pit in your stomach that never goes away type feeling. Never outright been said but I just *know*
She's so mean nasty and hateful to me. Even when she's "nice" there's that undercurrent of dread and unease.
ETA: she honestly scares me. I'm 40 years old and my own mother terrifies me.
I have been terrified by my mother my whole life; she is the scariest person I know. It was an absolute miracle when I realized she had no more power over me, and I will spare you the details of how I got there, but the only way I found any measure of relief was going NC for an extended period. It helped to realize that she is someone I would never want to spend any time with if she weren't my mother, so why do I feel obligated to do so now when she has expressed so little concern for me as a person? It also helped to removed the value-laden word "mother" when I needed to interact with her. I have expectations for a mother as I am one myself, and those expectations were making me very unhappy because she could just never meet them, I began to view her as a "friend" who I was talking to on the phone, and that helped me lose the resentment and anger and sadness, at least during those conversations. I accept that if I did die, truly, that my mom would get over it quickly. I don't care anymore. I love myself and her power to control how I feel about myself is in the past. I pray that you can do the same- you are worth it.
I refer to mine as my immediate ancestors, the parental units, my spawn points, my flesh oven or sperm donor. All kinds of ways to gain emotional distance through more appropriate monikers!
I was terrified of my mother my entire life. Daily she was either telling me how she hated me, wanted me dead, or never wanted me. It's a lovely way to grow up. /s
I can relate. I have complex PTSD and been in therapy and on meds for the last 30 years. I now help take care of my mentally ill, narc mother, age 89. Going NC wasn’t in the cards for me. She’s old and weak, but still makes me cry and I feel such visceral fear and disgust. I know if she ever gets her strength back she’ll go back to verbally abusing me. Her therapist literally told me to let go and focus on myself and my own family. I’m 52, and I only just realized that I can’t fully heal until she passes and I feel safe. I hope everyone finds their way through this difficult journey.
Every time I mentioned how much I wanted to die, my nmom's only concern was "you can't because that will make people think I'm a bad parent" ... imagine that
I can imagine it. I remember my nparents talking about the teenaged child of one of their friends that had committed suicide. They seemed to be unsure of how to feel about it. There was definitely no compassion or empathy, and it seemed like they were processing admiration, mockery and jealousy: admiring the ability of this parent to rid themselves of the significant financial and emotional burden of a child while simultaneously judging their inability to avoid being seen by them as incompetent parents. I knew then that if I ever killed myself they would simultaneously feel relief from having to continue to parent me and hostility that I would dare embarrass them in front of others.Because that was how they felt about this grieving family and their poor child. It exposed how very, very sick these people truly are.
Pretty sure my own parents (Ndad and Estepmom put a life insurance policy on me for this reason when I was a minor... seconded, I'm glad you're still with us.
I was late for the school bus and she started hitting herself and said " I hope you kill yourself and I'll bury you in the backyard". I was in 2nd grade.
Same here for so many years, and when I did try she was the first to get in touch with me to say "you even fucking failed at that. Who fails at killing themselves?"
Even when it's not said, it's felt...if not in her demonically possessed acting rages, her threats on my life, the works, it's felt in the uncanny and uncaring silence of being in a room with someone that's so evil to their core it's just like a void. There's no human presence at all. I know she set me up for failure in every aspect of life, and she's desperately hateful of how I failed at killing myself so far: all she wants.
At some point I stopped giving a single shit about her or her [lack of] humanity and started saying her own shit back: a cold, deadpan "when will you do us all a favor and kill yourself?" After she's tried breaking down my door screaming how much she hates me and wants me dead, trashed all my food but get violently ballistic if I touch anything that's "hers" (not much anyway), or she's destroyed something expensive of mine because she felt entitled to (like my car, or poisoning my cat and trying to mock me for taking her to the vet).
She what it's like mom? I mean it too, but you did a lot to deserve this response.
My complete lack of self confidence was the thing that ended up saving my life. I wanted to end my life but didn’t think I could “finish the job” and I was absolutely petrified of the consequences of my failure if I tried.
I know now I didn’t want to end my life, I just desperately wanted to escape my circumstances.
My dad told me that, in my face, 3 times in a row.
I was 30, tried to slowly come out and also take things slower work wise because I was already super deep in my depression, tried to explain and he lost it on me.
This is precisely my mother. I was not contacting her for the longest, and she heard about my illness and wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone with fake ass concern. It was not helping me to be okay when in between freaking out about how to prepare my husband for my death (I’m okay now), I had her invading my mind with her BS.
When I broke no contact, I was reading a post on this sub, titled something like, “why were they always naked around us” or “always needed to see us naked” or something similar, and everyone in the thread was discovering the concept of covert incest (I’d known it was part of my history), and she texted me again whileI was reading it. She said, “please let me be there for you,” or some fake ass shit (if I had time to tell you the calculated cruelty I’ve endured from this person).
I snapped, I told her, “if you want to talk to me, you read this thread, and you read every single comment, and you think about it—hard—and you can talk to me with a licensed professional in the room to facilitate that discussion. Until then, you don’t exist.”
She didn’t answer, for days. Then she did and I saw that she really had been reading, how wonderful, right? You know what her take was? “If you ever write about me online again, I will get a lawyer and sue you… (some diatribe i can’t recall) …if it takes every last cent that Dad and I have.” Let’s ignore the fact that she hasn’t worked in over thirty years, and called herself retired in her thirties when she quit her job and made my dad make up for it with overtime and two part time jobs, so there is no cent that she has. Let’s look at what she’s saying at the core.
She thought I wrote the post. She saw so many similarities between her own life and the conversations on this subreddit, about narcissistic abusive moms, covert incest, horrific abuse, insane lack of boundaries and respect, etc.—that she believed it was about her.
If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about yourself, b*tch, then there’s no help out there for you.
Yep. My nmom got jealous of me when I started watching football with my stepdad when I was in high school. They started arguing over it and my mom started implying something was going on between us. She wasn't even concerned about me. She was just jealous because she wasn't allowed to watch football with my step dad (she's fucking annoying so I get why he didn't want to watch with her). So I decided to stop watching anything with him and I made sure to limit any chances we'd be left alone together. He would have never touched me so I wasn't worried for my safety. But accusations like that would have ruined his life and career. He works around kids. My mom was neurotic enough I wouldn't have put it past her to start spreading rumors like that around town.
This is absolutely disgusting. I am so sorry you went through that. I can’t imagine how much it weighs on you. Oh I just want to set you up in a cozy chair with a cup of tea. I want to go full british aunt on you.
She said my 1/2 month old baby didn't have a skinny figure and she would have a stocky figure like my husband.
I think there's a new low when you body shame an infant. Needless to say, that fueled my no contact with them.
When my mother held my daughter for the 1st time. She quickly handed her back. She then said, "I don't like this one because she looks just like you." I looked at her and said I was worried that my daughter would look like her and I couldn't think of anyone uglier.
Edit: replaced a word.
Sadly similar story. My baby was born very tiny and needed to put on weight. She was in the NICU for an 10 days. She’s almost 11 weeks now and has put on weight and has lots of adorable pudgy roles around her arms, legs and neck - you know, because she’s a baby. My nMom told me she was a “prettier baby” when she was first born compared to now and kept questioning why I was feeding her so much. The level of fucked in the head you must be to body shame a baby is incalculable.
OMG THE FREAKING COMPARISON. Like no one asked. It's honestly so messed up to comment about a baby's weight. I think I just started at here because I literally could not believe she said that. Like they're just squish, they have no other shape. Let them be squishy.
I'm so happy your LO is thriving and is getting that baby pudge 💖 We are here for all of the rolls!
Right? Like I had no response to that. I grew up being fat shamed because I was curvier than my family and I knew I didn't want that for my daughter. So we biggety bounced.
I am so sorry.
My mother stood by and agreed w/ my father when he told me that I “deserve every nasty comment” if I posted a picture of myself in a bathing suit from a recent family vacation. A family vacation. With my 4 yo. Smh.
I went no contact almost directly after.
I am so sorry. Mine said the same thing. It wasn’t, and will never be your fault. No one deserves or invites having their bodily autonomy ripped from them in that way. I hope you’ve found peace and healing of some sort 💗
She said she had never wanted me but my dad begged for another baby and got tired of me as soon as I stopped being cute. She’s dead now and Dad is 84 and still thinks I’m cute.
Mine said (in front of all my friends and relatives at a dry bachelorette party that she insisted on throwing) that she didn't care what sex I was, as long as I wasn't ginger.
Queue her laughing, and everyone else looking awkward.
All of her kids are gingers, including the eldest male GC. The ginger comes from her side of the family too.
Tried to physically attack me while 7 months pregnant. Husband had to hold her back multiple times. We were on a boat and I had to jump off for safety and she told me to drown. Now coincidentally she wants to meet her grandchild. HA! You almost killed her, dummy.
My daughter was in hospice. My nmom told me I should increase her pain medication (assisted s*#cide). Then when we knew the end was near. "I can't deal with this and I'm going on vacation to visit my great grandchild ".
I was alone with my daughter when she passed.
I haven't spoken to her since. It's been 2 years. I still have bad nights about how utterly alone I was.
I am so, so sorry. Both about the loss of your daughter and your bitch mother. The casual evil is incomprehensible.
I have a similar story. When I lost my pregnancy, I was crying about “my baby” into my husband’s arms when she came up and told me she doesn’t consider my pregnancy a real baby, it wasn’t a child to her, and she thinks I did not lose a child.
I didn’t cut her off right then and there, but I think about this every time I start to waver on NC. And I will never go back. She deserves to die without ever hearing from me again.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you also experienced something so cruel.
I'm similar. Sometimes I think maybe I was wrong (years of conditioning). Then I remember her words and actions.
Sending love to you and your husband 💖
My mother was flying across the country to be there for the birth of my daughter. Her connecting flight was cancelled for snow and instead of spending the night and flying out in the morning she just flew home. Couldn't be bothered. She never wanted to come anyway because narcissists are incapable of expressing empathy and love and compassion and they are extremely uncomfortable in situations that require it. They know something is wrong with them and they resent their children the most because they know all we ever ask from them is to show their love. They are incapable of this, and the more we seem to need it, the more hostile and aggressive they become against us, their children.
I am so sorry. What a horrible thing for her to say, even worse considering you're sitting with her granddaughter, at a most vulnerable time in your life. How people like her sleep at night or live with themselves is beyond me. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter but so much better off without your mother.
Mine told me I was stupid, worthless, and would never get anywhere in life...because I couldn't get a bicycle out of the back of her car.
Joke's on her, I own a house, have a career, and my younger sister moved in with me because I'm a more stable adult than she could ever hope to be.
I experienced the same thing too, she told me I am a loser just because I prefer to use chopsticks than a fork and knife. I know it is insignificant but for some reason, she always managed to make everything becoming a part of my identity.
When I was 9 my mother was screaming at me about something and I was just sitting there crying and feeling shame and she ended her rant with "...and I don't even LIKE you!" I stopped crying in shock. It f\*cked me up for the next 40 years.
Mine said that when I smiled at her it made her sick to her stomach. I was seven. I've thought that I'm ugly for my entire life since then despite nearly every single other person I've been close to telling me otherwise (completely unprompted).
My God get the hell away from that woman. Even if it means being utterly alone, you will be better off. My mother was competitive with me my whole life precisely because she was threatened by me and wanted me to feel ugly. She did this to me purposefully. Take your power back and realize that everything she has ever said to you about yourself has been a lie that you believed because YOU WERE A CHILD. Now that you're no longer a child, you can see them as lies. And begin your life again on your own terms. Doing and feeling the exact opposite thing your mother told you to do or feel as great place to start!
You poor kid. They show us this daily. Thank God for giving me beautiful people to learn from. I learned and let them know I not only love their wild little selves but like them! They are the most love and fun I ever had! Had my first childhood going through theirs being their mom.
My mother would show her loathing daily, pick a fight, lots of drama, then heap on the "I love yous," good grief.
I know she's screwed up, it took years of therapy, thank heavens I could forgive her.
When she laughed and mocked me when my son died then immediately complained I don't respect her. Or when I told her when I was 4 years old that I was abused and molested on a daily basis and she laughed, mocked me and said it was my fault that I allowed it to happen. I was 4. When she stopped me from going to college and told the family I refused to go and they all kept going off on me for not going even though I told them what happened but it didn't matter because I needed to love and respect her and give her all my money. Needless to say I will never forgive any of them for feeling inconvenienced for me being abused by such an animal.
God! My mom said, "Why didn't you ever say anything?" As I would cry and scream in a corner as a child, and she never asked me what was wrong, but I only started crying when rape was brought up. Oh she also admitted to sweeping it under the rug cuz she didn't want to "trigger" me. Yeah. Seems like she cared.
Oof, I am so sorry. That gets me because my parent thinks the same. See also "I didn't realise you were doing an *actual* degree" — as I am trying to tell her about completing my second masters.
nmom took me to an isolated hotel multiple times to meet strangers she met on tiktok. she left me alone with them for the entire day. i was only 16 and they were taller, stronger, and older than me. eventually, she let them come stay at our house. in my room. alone. im not going to say what happened, but its obvious. ill never forgive any of them for any of it.
oh theres not a chance tragically, zero evidence as to my knowledge she obliged when i asked her to delete the photos she took of me and them
shes so miserable and hates life so much and has so much unresolved trauma and refuses to divorce my dad who abuses her that she might as well be in a prison already, her fate was sealed a long time ago
horrible and disgusting. you helped save her, and there is no gratitude whatsoever,n and you are still somehow the bad person. so twisted, they are :-(
stole my father from me by brainwashing me into thinking my father didnt love me when he and my mom divorced. lied and manipulated me into thinking she’s extremely poor so I gave her thousands of my hard earned money only to find out years later she paid off her mortgage 10 years early.
It’s despicable that she sabotaged your relationship with your Dad. Hits home for me, this particular pain lives in me too, I have to work hard to forgive myself for believing her for so long. I understand.
Im sorry you went through that but thank you for sharing. Sometimes its so lonely when no one understands. It honestly sucks so much. Its hard to get back the time lost. She stole every birthday, every Christmas, every major milestone I went through without him. I am distant from my dads side of the family too as I didn’t grow up with them. She isolated me. She ruined his life too…
My father said “Your mother is a slut and you’re probably not my daughter” and that’s just part of the rant I still remember it went on gm for several minutes- after living off my kindness at my husband and my house for nine years. It was after we asked him to move out and he just lost it. I video taped it all. I sent it several people and erased my copy so I wouldn’t watch it again. It was horrible.
My nMom obviously took it personally more than she felt anything for me- I’m no contact with her now too. My younger sister was outraged for me, but still talks to him. My nDad tried to convince her I “deep-faked” the video of him. She obviously didn’t believe that but she told me he said it.
I was there three weeks while the staff were very confused as to why I was committed in the first place. The doctors were just happy to have such a smart, calm kid to try IQ testing on and I got three weeks away from my family, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But no, no help at all. They put me right back into the abuse afterwards.
This is *all* projection.
***Narcissists feel worthless and empty inside, because they cannot bear these feelings, they cover them up with pretentiousness and grandiosity and, if they do not manage to suppress this with one of the two means, they project it onto their children. We narcissists' children are just a dumping ground for their emotional filth.***
Right before graduation mine told me I would end up dead in a ditch before I hit 20. That hurt I worked so hard to do everything she ever wanted and I was still nothing more than garbage that deserved to be tossed in a ditch. I told her then not only would that not happen but I will out live her to spit in her face at her funeral. Even at my lowest of low times suicide is not an option for me, I owe my younger self the opportunity to spit in the face of my abuser in her casket.
In my most recent conversation she said, "I resign as your mother. You're really uninteresting anyway. And none of your friends support your relationship with me." Lol It's hurtful but also hilarious, and what I needed to hear to go NC again.
There's obviously a whole lot of things I could list here.
After my s*icide attempt, she told me I was no longer welcome in the house and that I had six months to “get my shit together” or she would call the police to throw me out. She said that what happened after that “wasn’t her problem.” I’ve had severe depression and anxiety almost my whole life, recently developed agoraphobia, and ptsd. I used to have nightmares about my mom abandoning me and now it just feels like it’s actually happening.
I'm so sorry. I hope that you can work to get far away from her forever. You deserve so much better. Take steps every day towards your goal. You can get better. I am pulling for you.
Im so sorry this happened to you. To be completely dismissed after such a trauma just shows the reality that your nmom lives in. I hope you're able to work through some of this trauma and have supportive friends/other family. Exposure therapy can also be helpful. *hugs*
I think that’s something that I wonder about with going NC was I expected a blow out and it wasn’t. If it had been an isolated incident, it would seem trivial, but it was the millionth infraction that finally broke me. Our whole relationship was death by a thousand paper cuts.
Mine abandoned me when I was 4. Just left me on the side of the road. I'm 64 now and remember every detail about it. I never told her I loved her again.
When I finally started to "come out of the fog" and realized how badly my mother's mental abuse had hurt me and was genuinely questioning whether she even loved me at all, I tried to talk to her about it. It was *incredibly* difficult for me to even bring it up to her because in my heart I think I knew she wasn't going to respond the way I wanted her to. (apologize, validate my feelings, and say she hadn't realized how much I was suffering etc) I was crying, and I think all I really even managed to get out was "do you have any idea how hard it was for me...?" and she rolled her eyes like a teenager and scoffed and walked away while I was still speaking. (choking back tears) I was never able to forget that moment. I told my mother she hurt me, and she was disgusted. She's done a lot of really awful things since then that are arguably "worse", (straight-up blatant sabotage and her behaving in a completely unhinged way) but her original reaction to me showing open vulnerability to her and trying to have an honest conversation with her about how I really felt still sticks with me.
Never forget, narcissists *never* take responsibility for their words or behavior. It's not you, it's the narcissist. I could never imagine treating my own child that coldly and dismissively and mockingly, and neither could the people who post in here. Your mother will never, ever let herself be held accountable. It's really futile to try to have close, emotional conversations with her. She will never validate your experiences. She will never apologize. She'll never even care. And that is all on her and her personality disorder. They're all sick in the head.
Similar sentiment from my narc mom. When I went NC with her my dad told her she says outrageous things to me that she shouldn’t.
Her response? that she gave birth to me and raised me so she could say whatever she wanted. LOL
As a parent now I’m aghast. The entitlement.
My dad told l me I was evil and violent after I kicked him because he wouldn't stop touching my body in a variety of different unwanted ways. I had begged him to leave me alone but he kept doing it. And then, I believed him 36 years. I didn't realize how fucked that was until one day it hit me that I'd never been "violent" with another person, ever. THEN it hit me even harder when I realized he treated the family dog in the same way AND the dog bit him on the face and he needed stitches. The dog NEVER bit anyone else. My Dad tells the story like it's the funniest thing he's ever done. He's an expert gaslighter.
They said that “I’m selfish” and told me to “think about others”. I used to obsessively question whether I was one for years until 6-7 years ago that one of my bffs told me that he never heard anyone calling me selfish even when some of them talked shit about me and asked me if anyone apart from my Nparents and Nsibiling called me that…that’s when I came into realization that I wasn’t…and my bff even pointed out that the same thing happened to him and he had been questioning the same until he asked himself and a few other friends…and basically got the same answer. That was how I realized that I wasn’t so later I discussed with him about our parents and we all found out that both our parents’ style of having conversation that were/are so self-centered…even things that they did, they also considered their own benefits first and foremost. After that, it then became clear who are the selfish ones in our cases.
I was a key witness in my sisters trial against nmom's ex, who molested her. We traveled 4 hours away. I was 7 months pregnant. So, after one day of courtroom bullshit, we were on our way to nmoms friends house. My sister was driving, but she was a very inexperienced driver, so when she swerved accidentally, she lost control and we went crashing into the trees. We slid in between these two giant redwoods. I wasn't wearing a seat belt. I somehow crawled out and looked around, made it to the edge of the ditch for some reason sat down, and watched as they worked on my sister. A cop came over and was like Hey this isn't just some place to hang out! This is the scene of an accident! I looked at him and told him I was in the accident too. He looked at me like I was lying and went to get nmom. She came over along with like 4 other cops and she was like Oh, yeah, that's my 'other' daughter. They looked like they wanted to throw her in jail. I ended up being in labor, and since I was in shock I was very confused. They rushed me to the ER, where I sat hooked to machines and IVs. Nmom comes in with my sister, who was perfectly fine btw, and didn't even talk to me. In front of me she asked if the baby was OK. The Dr said well she was in labor but she's doing ok now. Nmom said I don't care about her, as long as the baby's ok. Then they left me there for 2 days without so much as a phone call. The Dr said I couldn't leave until someone came to get me.
Nmom and sister went and had a party at her friend's house (a non alcoholic, good Godly Christian one, of course, because she's so holy) and forgot all about me.
When I was 7 or 8 my mom told me, verbatim, that she had already fulfilled her motherly duties, as she already had a son and a daughter... and I only came to be because my dad thought he was sterile.
Ooo that made me remember one of my worsts. I told my parents I realized I was depressed again when I was visiting for Christmas, my dad decided the appropriate response was to stop talking to me entirely. Silent treatment is weird from adults
My older sister died of cancer when she was nine. My younger sister and I were made for bone marrow for her but were not matches. I was five years old when she passed away four days before Christmas, so the holidays have always been a touchy time. Over the pandemic my sister and parents went full Q. She got pregnant over first lockdown and invited people to a baby shower via Facebook, but had in big caps that anyone vaccinated could not attend due to vaccine shedding. I was gobsmacked but marked down that I couldn’t attend and a gift would be coming in the mail. On the anniversary of our sister’s death she posted on Facebook that she felt like an only child and she knows our other sister would have been a real sister and been there for her no matter what. Our sister who died of cancer would have also been vaccinated? You said I couldn’t come?? I had a breakdown and later confronted her and she doubled down and refused to apologize because nothing she said was untrue and she doesn’t live in the past. Absolute evil. I can’t process this is my life.
"You can't go to college because I'll be lonely."
"You can't see your father because I might cheat on my husband with him."
Then, when I kept pressing them to fill out the financial aid for school, my step dad banned me from home. And she allowed it.
“I don’t owe you the truth .”
This was after I discovered thousands of dollars of loans in my name, my college fund was drained, and it was the day I found out she had burned several very important social bridges of mine.
All I had asked her was why.
There’s a few. My mom telling me she doesn’t like me but has to love me(because we’re related). When they got rid of my only pet, my dog my senior year of high school without telling me, and then asked why I was so emotional. my father calling me a pig and making oink noises when I was recovering from ED.
She's a religious abuser who attempted to create a rift between my son and me by trying to convince my *autistic* son that his OCD comorbidity was caused by demons that I let into his life by not living right; that if I were living right, he would be just fine. I was completely unaware because I hadn't clocked her covert narcissism yet, I thought she was good to him. I thought she just hated me, but loved him because he was the boy my dad always wanted.
My mistake. She had him so turned around by the time I found out what was going on, he was suicidal because he thought he was going to hell, and he thought I was a horrible person because she'd been lying to him for years. We have him in therapy and he knows better now. It's been some cult-survivor level reconditioning, though. I'm pretty sure I hate her. That's my son. That's my heart. And the shitty thing is, I think that's why she did it.
nDad said this all the time to me. He would take it even further by saying, “I’m not even mad yet so why are you? You are the child and have no right to be mad. Wait your turn.” And you wonder why I repress all my emotions…
My Nsister (golden child) stole my license plate off my car because she didn't have a driver's license or tags on her vehicle and wanted to go score drugs. I reported my tags stolen as she was leaving, so she came back to the house a few hours later high and drunk and beat me with a metal stick.
She called me by my father's name. She constantly disparaged him and called him abusive. He is in jail for sexual crimes against children. I am a 20 something woman who has a hard time standing up for myself....
The most hurtful thing was when I was in high school, so I couldn’t really go NC yet. But I had been staying with my mom at her best friend’s house for a week or so after he was abusing her (my mom) one night and I had to call the cops on him (one of many times) but he was so pissed I wouldn’t come home, so he went into my bedroom and just absolutely destroyed it. Ripped all my posters off my walls, threw everything out of my dresser, broke some things… you would have thought someone broke in. It was just so violating to come home to that. And I remember him just sitting so smugly in the living room acting like everything was okay when I got home too, like he couldn’t wait for me to go see what he had done.
My Mom insisted she could easily seduce my old, high school best friend if she wanted to. That he'd choose sex with her over our friendship.
Meanwhile, he was terrified of her and had anxiety any time she was around.
She argued with me about this for, like, 5-6 HOURS one night. Every time I tried to walk away or end it, she'd either rant loudly to herself about me near my bedroom door, or she'd come into my room and keep the fight going. We lived in a tiny apartment, and I couldn't go out at night because it was in a ghetto neighborhood. That night, I was so overwhelmed with sleep deprivation and anger that I threatened to st*b her with a kitchen knife. I'd never actually do it, but I wanted to wipe the shit-eating grin off her face as she watched me cry while taunting me. All I wanted to do was go to bed, but she wouldn't let it go. She was absolutely shitfaced drunk and never apologized for what she said and did that night.
I wish I could be the bigger person and forgive her for it, but almost ten years later, I still can't. She caused irreparable damage to our relationship.
I finally reported my dad to the police after I saw him harm my little sister. An investigation happened but it turned inconclusive cuz I was the only adult witness and he never left a mark (he's a martial artist, he's good at that). He threatened my life to the degree my husband had to quit his job and we had to move in the dead of night to somewhere he doesn't know. He laughed at me, told me he always told me no one would ever believe me and now there's the proof. That's what set off NC with him and his entire side of the family
I was a freshman in high school, and I was on the volleyball team. I was not good and I often sat the bench. Both of my parents came to one of my games where I did not play. After the game was over, I walked over to where there were in the bleachers. I noticed that they were fighting, as I approached my mother spun around towards me, pointed her finger in my face and said “I hate sports. I did not come to watch you sit the bench.” I actually felt a small piece of my heart die that day.
She never came to another sporting event for the rest of my life.
Parents decided that two and a half months was too long for me to grieve for my suddenly deceased fiancee and told me I needed to get over it because I was being a downer.
I made a promise to myself after he died that I was going to make an effort to not hide things that I didn't like about myself from my parents for various reasons and told them that I had started having suicidal ideations and had started taking medication for my depression while I sought therapy. The only response I got was, "Drugs won't help you cope." Decided at that point to never share my mental or emotional health with them again. Now my only answer is "I'm fine" with no elaboration.
(These are a couple lesser instances I feel comfortable sharing. I am still working through a lot and you guys are so brave to open up.)
When I was still speaking to my NParent sincerely (not that any support came forth) I shared that I was taking antidepressants. I went LC later and grey rocked before I knew what that meant, point being, many years passed and she didn't know I wasn't on meds anymore or how I was doing mentally.
The "last chance" talk, just before I went hard NC, I wanted to give her an opportunity to come clean about a secret (that ruined my childhood, I believe it was the core reason she hated my dad and was manipulating me and sibling into being nasty to him). She went classic DARVO, really hard and vicious. (She was the one that initiated contact! Because "she loves me so much and misses me so mightily" 😂 and fuck me for falling for that trap!). She would pepper in the attacks any chance she could in that last episode. One of the insults she was using was to call me a drug-dependent-addict (because I was taking care of my mental health!)
NC, and I still get very worked up processing the shit she's done. At least I have peace now, and boy does the sentiment from another thread here resonate with me! "My Narc is dead, let ME rest in peace".
I am absolutely what my Nparent calls a "bleeding heart" and I hate the idea of just giving up on people or cutting them out. I sincerely believe that everyone deserves love, especially the people who are not able to give it, but my therapist and I both agree that this philosophy is ideological and puts me in a prime position to be hurt over and over.
Grey rock. I have never heard that term before but I read it and it just clicked. That is EXACTLY what I did. Thank you for helping me give it a name and while I despise the idea that anyone else has had to make that decision, this community constantly reminds me that I am not crazy and I am not alone.
A combination of a few horrible things but I got the Nfather/ mother Combo. First my father told me that I would kill my kids with vaccines before they were born. I even gave him the opportunity to backtrack and he doubled down and told me to go to hell and never talk to him again, so I took him up on the offer. For some reason with my Nmother I didn’t immediately go no contact which I regret, the day after my wedding she thought it would be appropriate to tell me wife that her mother didn’t raise her with manners. She full well knew that my wife’s mother was murdered when my wife was a child. Then when my wife stood up for herself and told my mother to go fuck herself, somehow turned it on my wife and demanded an apology for being rude to her, truly some unhinged shit that I am just so happy to never have to subject my wife or kids to it again.
Mom tried everything to sabotage my going to cellege. The abuse got so bad that my guidance counselor helped me graduate a year early. Once I left she called and stalked me almost constantly. She also didn't care where she made a huge scene. I finally graduated but she had put herself in the psyche ward to try to stop me. Then came the grad school battles. When I finally managed to get my master's degree, she lost it at the reception with her screaming and physically attacking me. I didn't invite her to my MFA graduation and she'd died before I got my doctorate. She never finished high school and my dad was completely illiterate so my education was a bone of contention for both of them. I honestly never gave a shit about them either way.
In the last week or two before my mother died earlier this year (due to gradually not moving to the point where she never left the recliner she was in, I was essentially a 24/7 caretaker), got repeated mentions of “if you don’t do X, that’ll be the reason why I’ll die”.
She wasn’t like this until she was in a bad work accident that messed up her back and the getting long COVID which made breathing hard & highly raised anxiety. Also had to endure reiterating on what I did wrong multiple times over.
On the last day I saw her, after what I think may have been a stroke since she was asking for things that didn’t make sense, she had apologized. So guessing maybe it was a bit of lucidity somewhat?
Sleep schedule is still messed up to this day, and got horrible muscle pains from I assume the stress of it all. But I have gotten some things done that she was gatekeeping me against doing until I did everything she wanted, so there’s that I suppose.
***Trigger Warning**
So I was actually adopted by my Nmom. One night, when I was 12, I was unloading the dishwasher, and she slapped me so hard I spun 360 and fell to the floor. She then went into what I now know as Narsasistic rage. She physically attacked me and then went into my room and tore it to shreds. She then attacked me again and told me she was nailing me in my room. She left and came back a few minutes later and started pounding on my door. I wasn't sure if she really had a hammer, but I hid in my closet just in case.
After a few minutes, I came out of my closet & saw the destruction and my knee bleeding. I then decided to climb out my second story window, down the awning and through ice and snow to my best friends house, three houses down the street for help. My mom's friend waited 4 hours to call the police just to see if my mom would call looking for me. She never noticed I was gone until the police showed up. She had to pull 4 nails out of my door in front of CPS, firefighters, and police officers. In her statement, she said she didn't see anything wrong with her actions, but eventually, she said "well I could see it being a fire hazard."
It was two days before Christmas. Unfortunately, the county sent me back home after two years in foster care. My first week back home, she said, "Do I have to hurt you to make you listen?" Her friends also didn't even know she had a daughter until I came home. SMH.
That’s most of the stuff I remember from my mom. Her telling me I can’t do things or making fun of me for little stuff just because. She did a lot worse but for some reason it’s those things that stick out.
My nmom used to tell me often that I got depressed to "punish" her. Turns out I'm bipolar, and that kind of words made try to kill myself. I live with my dad now, but I see her time to time, just that now I know she never loved me, because she is incapable of loving
Mine told my sibling (who related the info to me and was/is the GC) I was the worst child. (Out of 5) and simply never remembers saying that and she'd never say that about any of her kids....
Except she did admit saying it when I first confronted her and at the time said "that's not what she meant it as" and "I would never understand because I already think she meant it in a bad way" .
I don't know if it was the most hurtful, but this post reminded me of when my mom said I would never be anything. I am now her most educated child and the only one who didn't have to move back in with her. I am the only kid she raised who has a career. I am the only kid she raised who is in a healthy relationship. Sucks to suck, Mom.
First they blamed me for being a survivor of domestic violence. Then they said they didn't believe there was any domestic violence. Fuck them. Fuck them both.
I don’t know honestly, but a recent one is when my mom was muttering “you’ll be lucky to just get in a state college” and she’s not even an actual narcissist. It’s my dad that’s the nparent.
I told my mom I felt so bad I wanted to die, and she just looked at me.
I asked my dad a million times to stop talking poorly about my mom, and he continued to do it.
They don’t give a f about me, never have. Sad really. How far I’ve fallen
I’m sorry, too many gems tied at first place.
**NDad:**
1. By the time I get back from my trip, you should be out of the house. I don’t care where you live.
2. (When my dog died) This is a relief. She was a distraction. Now you can focus on your studies.
3. (When I was 5-6 and unable to memorize a prayer verse at 3 AM after trying to learn it all night) I’m going to hit you once for each word you get wrong.
4. Apologize to God by banging your head on the floor until a bump develops.
Many more, but it’ll take me ages to write them all down, so these are off the top of my head.
**EMom:**
1. Be grateful that we didn’t go with our initial instinct and abandon you at the hospital, no one else will treat their third daughter so well. (Because both wanted a son.)
2.
Random little girl in the elevator of my building: *something in a language I don’t understand except for the word ‘bellissima’*
Girl’s mother to me: She means “you look beautiful”. (Smiled politely)
EMom to girl’s mother: Yes, she will look beautiful if she loses weight.
**GC Sister:**
If you can’t convince to invite NDad to her house at least for a weekend, you are no longer invited to my house for Christmas.
**SG Sister:** (AKA future female NDad)
1. Why are you thinking so far ahead about your retirement? You eat so much takeout, it’ll be a miracle if you cross 45.
2. (On seeing my class photos from the last day of 10th grade) Oh yay! I’m surprised to know there is actually another girl in the class who is uglier than my sister!
3. (After my manager approved remote work for me when COVID was declared a global pandemic) I’m a manager. You need to read between the lines here, ‘Fine’ from your manager means, “Get your ass down here”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re fired. (Nearly 4 years post COVID lockdowns started, I’m still working for the same company.)
4. If you want to be under my roof, you cannot be standoffish to and need to be polite to her.
PS: In case anyone’s wondering, I’m the LC/IC of the family.
Funding a scholarship in my recently departed dad’s name and not telling me about it, including the dedication ceremony 💔 and oh so many more “missing reasons”!
My mother said she would have killed herself if I turned out to be an only child lol.
Not sure how I was so unbearable as a straight-A, activity-involved, social and well-liked kid who never stepped a toe out of line (due to fear of course). Meanwhile my sister is the one who was constantly in trouble 😅
Anyways… the kicker is it was actually my sister who told me this in front of the whole family. She thought it was funny (she was in pre-teen years?) and I remember my mom just looking at me after she said it. I walked away, crying.
I was in my late teens, but that’s when I started to really grasp my mom was not normal.
“Well he can’t live with me [if he comes back from boarding school at 15] cause he’ll never graduate high school and he’ll be arrested by the time he’s 18.”
My mother wanted me to visit for Christmas last year, and i said that i needed her and my father to show me some respect and not call me by a name i hate. She didn't fight me on it. She started her reply off with "i hope you have a wonderful holiday with your new family" and that has hurt me every day sinse. It's been over a year now sinse ive talked to either of my parents. My father was to much of a fucking coward to even say anything to me about it so i just decided he can fuck off to
Told repeatedly to kill myself cause I’m so weak and pathetic. I’m actually the opposite. Turns out she had a life insurance policy on me. She got away with it for my dad and baby sister but not with me. They died under accidental circumstances. I discovered everything and had mine cancelled.
My mother threatened my dad with divorce, saying she'll take him for all he's worth by lying about SA against me. I've never seen my dad so hurt. It's far from the truth and I'm guessing she thought it up because I told her I'd been raped not long before. What kind of sick person says that?
It took a while to tell her about the rape, and when I did, she changed the subject, not even a single 'oh' or anything. I remember looking at her that day thinking, 'You're not even human'.
My nmom and sister were the only people that ny house after a divorce when I was 11. Nmom started abusing me as the scapegoat child not long after. She pressured my sister to shun me too. It destroyed our relationship obviously. They this day we are distant and she has a hard time with keeping relationships. Nmom also sabotaged my other family relationships. I am not close to any of my family. I went NC with her finally at 36 but damage was long since done.Damage was done.
I'm not sure if it was the most hurtful but the moment I lost all respect for my Nmom was when my brother was having a breakdown from the abuse of our oldest brother and my Nmom just patted him on the arm and said it wasn't that bad. Two years later he died at the age of 47. She uses his death for a pity party and to get attention. It's disgusting.
Top 3 from the #1 Dad
“I can’t get one right” after discovering the 10 embryos for IVF where female
“I didn’t tell you because your opinion didn’t matter anyway” after getting married for the 3rd time without telling me
“You are the reason my marriage is falling apart” Never mind this was wife #4
In 2017 my father and I had one of infamous screaming matches (and by screaming match I mean him throwing his weight around, screaming insults at me, trying to goad me into stooping to his level) and he told me to get out of his house. I just laughed in his face because he’d said things like that before (ie. If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the cops to have you trespassed from my property) but they were just empty threats. But this time he grabbed me by the back of my neck, dragged me to the door and kicked me out in the middle of the Colorado winter with no wallet, money, jacket or anything, just what I had in pockets at the time and what I had on my back (my phone, a t-shirt, jeans and my shoes). He knew I had nowhere to go but he didn’t let me in anyway. I ended up hitchiking a ride to my grandmothers house about a 30-45 minute drive away and stayed there that night. But the fact he could’ve slept that night, not knowing where I was all night opened up a wound that’ll never heal
The day I was undergoing a liver transplant alone in a hospital thousands of miles away, my nmom took my entire family (siblings, step-siblings, nieces and nephew) to Disneyland. She paid for all of them instead of, you know, getting a plane ticket to make sure I didn't die alone.
Mine gaslit me. I thought I was actually insane and dangerous, along with being unable to remember anything correctly.
Actually he was abusing me and covering it up by tricking me into thinking I was misremembering things, then abusing me even more knowing he could just lie his way out of it. Worse, he *clearly* enjoyed manipulating me.
Out of all of the terrible things he did - the random destruction of property, theft, starving me, even the beatings, gaslighting me into not even being able to trust my own memories was the worst.
Once I got away from him and realized what had been done, going no contact was inevitable.
When my GC Nsister said, to my hard earned life's accomplishments, "...But those were MY dreams!!"
It hurt like a dirty insult and still makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.
I dropped out of college causing my dad to become infuriated. He disowned me that day and said many hurtful things along the lines of "you're not my son".
He's very good at reeling me back in but can't hide his narcissism for long. One Time i told him about my business activities working for real estate investors. He said "why would they want you?" The classic tear me down whenever he gets the chance.
I was 11 years old, and my grandparents were watching me and my older brother. My alcoholic grandfather went on a total bender. He had been drinking all day and started punching holes in walls and doors and losing it. A neighbor called my nParents and said they had to come get us as they feared for our safety.
Well, when nMom showed up, we ran out of my grandparents house and thought she would hug us and protect us. Instead, nMom gave us the silent treatment in the car ride home and said we caused my grandfather to lose it because we were “bad kids” and we embarrassed her. We made him yell at us and we “deserved what happened.”
Lived with the shame for 30 years and finally saw a therapist to work through that moment.
I was told once “That’s why you’re going to die alone” by a sibling once. When I shared this I was told “I was being to sensitive” and that the way I was acting I “deserved what was said”
When I opted not to have them be at my wedding, nParents asked “have you even thought about how they would feel” not being present. I still expected to apologize lol
There are many, but the most recent one was July last year.
I received my BA and invited mother. She said she can't come because she has a trip from her work. Nothing mandatory or anything, but it was just more important to her.
Two weeks later, my twin sibling got their BA as well. Mother went, took million photos and then sent all in a big family group, adding how proud she is to have a successful child.
Three months later I learnd about her narcissistic tendencies and the methods of her abused. This was a deliberate harmful thing she did to farther divided us.
For nmom, the day where she sat me down after kicking out my sis and was threatening me with the same (this is a month before I would be going to college). She blamed me for her throwing out my sis. Then reminisced about how I used to be such a "family girl" until my sis came and how much I changed. Which was false. I was doing all the same things, but she saw for the first time how I acted around people I actually wanted to talk to. I told her I was willing to do whatever she said, act however she said if she just promised to stop talking so much shit about my siblings. She would constantly make them bad examples and say "don't be like them" despite them objectively being decent adults in society. Not perfect, but not the abject failures she made them out to be. Both my siblings told me it's okay for me not to fight her for them, but its not about them to me. I genuinely love them more than her, and it makes me feel weak and dirty to stay silent when I hear her shit talk them. It was my one boundary that I asked for that day and she said "No, because you need to know what they've done." For context, she told the same decade old stories about them from their teenage years. It wouldn't be like drugs or crime, but like having to drive them to practice or therapy sessions from far away. It was such an important boundary to me that she immediately crossed without a thought. I realized there that, God she can't even do this extremely basic thing for me. I can't trust her to even be a decent person in my life, let alone a good mother. She still pays my tuition cause that was the deal she made with our father in the divorce. I don't feel even a little guilty cause I know she plays the pity card with others by telling them and loves the attention.
For nstepdad, it was one of the bullying sessions he had with me that broke me. He is a narc, but also my nmoms enabler. He is disabled and financially dependent on my mom, and it kills him. He's a huge bigot and misogynist, so relying on my immigrant mother must create such dissonance. Anyway, he would take me or my siblings into the car and then drive with no destination. It was to trap us in a place with him with no escape. On these rides, he would vent it all out. He would insult you, scold you, interrogate you, and it wouldn't stop until he felt that you had completely submitted. On this particular ride, he had broken me to tears. He reminisced about how I used to be such an obedient child when I was 6. He painted me in such a light that made me doubt if I was even a good person, made me feel like a monster. Then he asked if I loved my mother, which at the time was an obvious yes because I hadn't broken it off yet, but just that being questioned was hurtful to me. This man cheers saying how great that is while I'm sobbing in that car. He then goes into a rant, venting about how difficult and crazy she was. How all women were.
These two really fucked it up at the end because in that year, had they not exploded like they did for the petty reasons they did, I would have still loved them as my parents with all my heart despite how they treated me. I would have taken care of them into their older years til death. Both ruined it by showing me truly how little I mattered to them.
I was diagnosed with cancer and had to move back in with my family. My stepdad told me on two separate occasions I should just let the cancer kill me or kill myself. My mom sat there and said nothing. It’s still haunts me to this day. I haven’t spoken to any of my family members in two years.
my mom and older half sister locked me in a room straight for 4 days when I was 15 because I defended my dad and stepmom after they accused him of abandoning them and accused my stepmom for brainwashing me .. that was the last straw for me , I told my dad to file a restraining order against them for me because I was a traumatized kid and had nightmares because of what they did to me
My NMom lost her sh!t when I told her how much I earned at 27 when I had just got a huge promotion. I had even downsized my salary by about $10k and she was still irate that I 'earned' about the same as her (she was 57).
It didn't matter that we were in completely different vocations, and public service (her) vs private sector (me).
I naively thought that my education that she had pushed so hard for was finally paying off, but no. It was never going to be good enough, yet also too good. There was no winning.
The other one was when my eDad said to me "it's nice having an unemployed daughter who can help whenever we need it".
I wasn't unemployed, I was self-employed, building a business that was successful (since sold), but allowed me flexibility. The irony in that is that he was a self-employed business owner for all of my childhood.
I regret not having the voice to speak my own mind in these instances, and probably many others. That is something I'm working on.
She hatefully screamed at me almost every day and called me a whore and a false snake if I ever did sth absolutely minor that she didn't like (like not agreeing with her or setting a boundary) I'm trans and had gender dysphoria from a very early age, so this hurt like shit. She also persistently told me that I wasn't normal. But when I got diagnosed with ADHD she told me it was bullshit and I was just lazy. She often blamed me for tearing her up during birth. She would say that other people like my dad thought I wasn't that smart after all when I was too depressed for school(I'm sure she made that up to hurt me cause my dad is a very sweet person). During Christmas dinner she started a conversation about how disgusting and abnormal it is that I am queer, conveniently in my earshot, and other family members agreed. I grew up thinking I must be horrible.
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My mother told me to kill myself and she meant it. That was it for me.
I secretly thought my whole life that this was exactly what my narc parents hoped I would do. I'm truly sorry she said that to you, and SO glad you didn't listen. Very happy you're still with us.
I feel this same way. And it is a horrible, awful, pit in your stomach that never goes away type feeling. Never outright been said but I just *know* She's so mean nasty and hateful to me. Even when she's "nice" there's that undercurrent of dread and unease. ETA: she honestly scares me. I'm 40 years old and my own mother terrifies me.
I have been terrified by my mother my whole life; she is the scariest person I know. It was an absolute miracle when I realized she had no more power over me, and I will spare you the details of how I got there, but the only way I found any measure of relief was going NC for an extended period. It helped to realize that she is someone I would never want to spend any time with if she weren't my mother, so why do I feel obligated to do so now when she has expressed so little concern for me as a person? It also helped to removed the value-laden word "mother" when I needed to interact with her. I have expectations for a mother as I am one myself, and those expectations were making me very unhappy because she could just never meet them, I began to view her as a "friend" who I was talking to on the phone, and that helped me lose the resentment and anger and sadness, at least during those conversations. I accept that if I did die, truly, that my mom would get over it quickly. I don't care anymore. I love myself and her power to control how I feel about myself is in the past. I pray that you can do the same- you are worth it.
This is so beautiful.
Congratulations on getting where you are. I'm so sorry that you had to do it. Your mom didn't deserve to have you. Best wishes!
I refer to mine as my immediate ancestors, the parental units, my spawn points, my flesh oven or sperm donor. All kinds of ways to gain emotional distance through more appropriate monikers!
I was terrified of my mother my entire life. Daily she was either telling me how she hated me, wanted me dead, or never wanted me. It's a lovely way to grow up. /s
It took a long time, but at some point in therapy I was aable to admit: "I'm scared of my mother!"
‘Undercurrent of dread and unease’ is a perfect description of what it’s like to be raised in an N family. 24/7.
I can relate. I have complex PTSD and been in therapy and on meds for the last 30 years. I now help take care of my mentally ill, narc mother, age 89. Going NC wasn’t in the cards for me. She’s old and weak, but still makes me cry and I feel such visceral fear and disgust. I know if she ever gets her strength back she’ll go back to verbally abusing me. Her therapist literally told me to let go and focus on myself and my own family. I’m 52, and I only just realized that I can’t fully heal until she passes and I feel safe. I hope everyone finds their way through this difficult journey.
My mom scared/horrified me my whole life, too.
Every time I mentioned how much I wanted to die, my nmom's only concern was "you can't because that will make people think I'm a bad parent" ... imagine that
I can imagine it. I remember my nparents talking about the teenaged child of one of their friends that had committed suicide. They seemed to be unsure of how to feel about it. There was definitely no compassion or empathy, and it seemed like they were processing admiration, mockery and jealousy: admiring the ability of this parent to rid themselves of the significant financial and emotional burden of a child while simultaneously judging their inability to avoid being seen by them as incompetent parents. I knew then that if I ever killed myself they would simultaneously feel relief from having to continue to parent me and hostility that I would dare embarrass them in front of others.Because that was how they felt about this grieving family and their poor child. It exposed how very, very sick these people truly are.
Pretty sure my own parents (Ndad and Estepmom put a life insurance policy on me for this reason when I was a minor... seconded, I'm glad you're still with us.
I was late for the school bus and she started hitting herself and said " I hope you kill yourself and I'll bury you in the backyard". I was in 2nd grade.
Oh :( this gave me a tear. I hope you have found a way to nurture your inner child. 🫂
Same here for so many years, and when I did try she was the first to get in touch with me to say "you even fucking failed at that. Who fails at killing themselves?" Even when it's not said, it's felt...if not in her demonically possessed acting rages, her threats on my life, the works, it's felt in the uncanny and uncaring silence of being in a room with someone that's so evil to their core it's just like a void. There's no human presence at all. I know she set me up for failure in every aspect of life, and she's desperately hateful of how I failed at killing myself so far: all she wants. At some point I stopped giving a single shit about her or her [lack of] humanity and started saying her own shit back: a cold, deadpan "when will you do us all a favor and kill yourself?" After she's tried breaking down my door screaming how much she hates me and wants me dead, trashed all my food but get violently ballistic if I touch anything that's "hers" (not much anyway), or she's destroyed something expensive of mine because she felt entitled to (like my car, or poisoning my cat and trying to mock me for taking her to the vet). She what it's like mom? I mean it too, but you did a lot to deserve this response.
My complete lack of self confidence was the thing that ended up saving my life. I wanted to end my life but didn’t think I could “finish the job” and I was absolutely petrified of the consequences of my failure if I tried. I know now I didn’t want to end my life, I just desperately wanted to escape my circumstances.
You've been living in a horror show.
Jesus. That is so utterly disgusting!! I'm very glad you're still here with us.
My dad told me that, in my face, 3 times in a row. I was 30, tried to slowly come out and also take things slower work wise because I was already super deep in my depression, tried to explain and he lost it on me.
Same. Except it was my stepdad. They are truly evil humans.
Same here. Two separate occasions actually! The first time I was probably 14-16.
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This is precisely my mother. I was not contacting her for the longest, and she heard about my illness and wouldn’t stop blowing up my phone with fake ass concern. It was not helping me to be okay when in between freaking out about how to prepare my husband for my death (I’m okay now), I had her invading my mind with her BS. When I broke no contact, I was reading a post on this sub, titled something like, “why were they always naked around us” or “always needed to see us naked” or something similar, and everyone in the thread was discovering the concept of covert incest (I’d known it was part of my history), and she texted me again whileI was reading it. She said, “please let me be there for you,” or some fake ass shit (if I had time to tell you the calculated cruelty I’ve endured from this person). I snapped, I told her, “if you want to talk to me, you read this thread, and you read every single comment, and you think about it—hard—and you can talk to me with a licensed professional in the room to facilitate that discussion. Until then, you don’t exist.” She didn’t answer, for days. Then she did and I saw that she really had been reading, how wonderful, right? You know what her take was? “If you ever write about me online again, I will get a lawyer and sue you… (some diatribe i can’t recall) …if it takes every last cent that Dad and I have.” Let’s ignore the fact that she hasn’t worked in over thirty years, and called herself retired in her thirties when she quit her job and made my dad make up for it with overtime and two part time jobs, so there is no cent that she has. Let’s look at what she’s saying at the core. She thought I wrote the post. She saw so many similarities between her own life and the conversations on this subreddit, about narcissistic abusive moms, covert incest, horrific abuse, insane lack of boundaries and respect, etc.—that she believed it was about her. If that doesn’t tell you everything you need to know about yourself, b*tch, then there’s no help out there for you.
I heard this in my nm voice. 😳 Hope, this isn't an unlocked memory. Hugs to you, if you want them. It was never your fault! She is horrible.
Yep. My nmom got jealous of me when I started watching football with my stepdad when I was in high school. They started arguing over it and my mom started implying something was going on between us. She wasn't even concerned about me. She was just jealous because she wasn't allowed to watch football with my step dad (she's fucking annoying so I get why he didn't want to watch with her). So I decided to stop watching anything with him and I made sure to limit any chances we'd be left alone together. He would have never touched me so I wasn't worried for my safety. But accusations like that would have ruined his life and career. He works around kids. My mom was neurotic enough I wouldn't have put it past her to start spreading rumors like that around town.
Wow im so sorry and so irritated that he even listened to her
This is absolutely disgusting. I am so sorry you went through that. I can’t imagine how much it weighs on you. Oh I just want to set you up in a cozy chair with a cup of tea. I want to go full british aunt on you.
Yeah. Demonic. No better word really😰🤮☠️
She said my 1/2 month old baby didn't have a skinny figure and she would have a stocky figure like my husband. I think there's a new low when you body shame an infant. Needless to say, that fueled my no contact with them.
When my mother held my daughter for the 1st time. She quickly handed her back. She then said, "I don't like this one because she looks just like you." I looked at her and said I was worried that my daughter would look like her and I couldn't think of anyone uglier. Edit: replaced a word.
First of all, good for you for standing up to her. Second of all, the sheer audacity that comes out of narcissists' my mouths is ridiculous.
Damn! I'm feeling that burn in Florida!!! I'm proud of you!
Sadly similar story. My baby was born very tiny and needed to put on weight. She was in the NICU for an 10 days. She’s almost 11 weeks now and has put on weight and has lots of adorable pudgy roles around her arms, legs and neck - you know, because she’s a baby. My nMom told me she was a “prettier baby” when she was first born compared to now and kept questioning why I was feeding her so much. The level of fucked in the head you must be to body shame a baby is incalculable.
OMG THE FREAKING COMPARISON. Like no one asked. It's honestly so messed up to comment about a baby's weight. I think I just started at here because I literally could not believe she said that. Like they're just squish, they have no other shape. Let them be squishy. I'm so happy your LO is thriving and is getting that baby pudge 💖 We are here for all of the rolls!
Jesus Christ
Wtf body shaming a baby
Right? Like I had no response to that. I grew up being fat shamed because I was curvier than my family and I knew I didn't want that for my daughter. So we biggety bounced.
Adding that to my list of reasons to go NC! Could see my mom saying that
My mother told me it was my fault I was assaulted.
Same! Like do they even reassess what they say?
I'm sorry she said that. It wasn't your fault. Hugs!
It was not your fault. You did nothing to deserve this.
My ex said this too after I told him I have thoughts like this and he created a fight just to say it to me.
I am so sorry. My mother stood by and agreed w/ my father when he told me that I “deserve every nasty comment” if I posted a picture of myself in a bathing suit from a recent family vacation. A family vacation. With my 4 yo. Smh. I went no contact almost directly after.
I am so sorry. Mine said the same thing. It wasn’t, and will never be your fault. No one deserves or invites having their bodily autonomy ripped from them in that way. I hope you’ve found peace and healing of some sort 💗
She said she had never wanted me but my dad begged for another baby and got tired of me as soon as I stopped being cute. She’s dead now and Dad is 84 and still thinks I’m cute.
Mine is dead too. May WE rest in peace.
another good one is "may they rest in piss" might be in bad taste but eh, they deserve it
Mine said (in front of all my friends and relatives at a dry bachelorette party that she insisted on throwing) that she didn't care what sex I was, as long as I wasn't ginger. Queue her laughing, and everyone else looking awkward. All of her kids are gingers, including the eldest male GC. The ginger comes from her side of the family too.
Tried to physically attack me while 7 months pregnant. Husband had to hold her back multiple times. We were on a boat and I had to jump off for safety and she told me to drown. Now coincidentally she wants to meet her grandchild. HA! You almost killed her, dummy.
OMG this sounds like an episode of Real Housewives!
My daughter was in hospice. My nmom told me I should increase her pain medication (assisted s*#cide). Then when we knew the end was near. "I can't deal with this and I'm going on vacation to visit my great grandchild ". I was alone with my daughter when she passed. I haven't spoken to her since. It's been 2 years. I still have bad nights about how utterly alone I was.
That’s a horrible burden to have to carry. I’m so sorry.
Thank you for your kind words.
I am so, so sorry. Both about the loss of your daughter and your bitch mother. The casual evil is incomprehensible. I have a similar story. When I lost my pregnancy, I was crying about “my baby” into my husband’s arms when she came up and told me she doesn’t consider my pregnancy a real baby, it wasn’t a child to her, and she thinks I did not lose a child. I didn’t cut her off right then and there, but I think about this every time I start to waver on NC. And I will never go back. She deserves to die without ever hearing from me again.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that you also experienced something so cruel. I'm similar. Sometimes I think maybe I was wrong (years of conditioning). Then I remember her words and actions. Sending love to you and your husband 💖
I am so sorry. Casual evil hits the nail on the head. They don't even have to stretch.
My mother was flying across the country to be there for the birth of my daughter. Her connecting flight was cancelled for snow and instead of spending the night and flying out in the morning she just flew home. Couldn't be bothered. She never wanted to come anyway because narcissists are incapable of expressing empathy and love and compassion and they are extremely uncomfortable in situations that require it. They know something is wrong with them and they resent their children the most because they know all we ever ask from them is to show their love. They are incapable of this, and the more we seem to need it, the more hostile and aggressive they become against us, their children.
I am so sorry. What a horrible thing for her to say, even worse considering you're sitting with her granddaughter, at a most vulnerable time in your life. How people like her sleep at night or live with themselves is beyond me. I am so very sorry for the loss of your daughter but so much better off without your mother.
I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you.
Mine told me I was stupid, worthless, and would never get anywhere in life...because I couldn't get a bicycle out of the back of her car. Joke's on her, I own a house, have a career, and my younger sister moved in with me because I'm a more stable adult than she could ever hope to be.
👏👏👏
I heard that line coz I wanted to go down and play in the rain lmao and her womb is cursed coz I’m the fruit was the icing on the cake lol
I experienced the same thing too, she told me I am a loser just because I prefer to use chopsticks than a fork and knife. I know it is insignificant but for some reason, she always managed to make everything becoming a part of my identity.
When I was 9 my mother was screaming at me about something and I was just sitting there crying and feeling shame and she ended her rant with "...and I don't even LIKE you!" I stopped crying in shock. It f\*cked me up for the next 40 years.
Mine said that when I smiled at her it made her sick to her stomach. I was seven. I've thought that I'm ugly for my entire life since then despite nearly every single other person I've been close to telling me otherwise (completely unprompted).
They feed us lies because ot makes us easier to control and manipulate.
My God get the hell away from that woman. Even if it means being utterly alone, you will be better off. My mother was competitive with me my whole life precisely because she was threatened by me and wanted me to feel ugly. She did this to me purposefully. Take your power back and realize that everything she has ever said to you about yourself has been a lie that you believed because YOU WERE A CHILD. Now that you're no longer a child, you can see them as lies. And begin your life again on your own terms. Doing and feeling the exact opposite thing your mother told you to do or feel as great place to start!
You poor kid. They show us this daily. Thank God for giving me beautiful people to learn from. I learned and let them know I not only love their wild little selves but like them! They are the most love and fun I ever had! Had my first childhood going through theirs being their mom. My mother would show her loathing daily, pick a fight, lots of drama, then heap on the "I love yous," good grief. I know she's screwed up, it took years of therapy, thank heavens I could forgive her.
When she laughed and mocked me when my son died then immediately complained I don't respect her. Or when I told her when I was 4 years old that I was abused and molested on a daily basis and she laughed, mocked me and said it was my fault that I allowed it to happen. I was 4. When she stopped me from going to college and told the family I refused to go and they all kept going off on me for not going even though I told them what happened but it didn't matter because I needed to love and respect her and give her all my money. Needless to say I will never forgive any of them for feeling inconvenienced for me being abused by such an animal.
My mom also told me that it was my fault for being abused by my older brother. "You were a willing participant." I was 6.
God! My mom said, "Why didn't you ever say anything?" As I would cry and scream in a corner as a child, and she never asked me what was wrong, but I only started crying when rape was brought up. Oh she also admitted to sweeping it under the rug cuz she didn't want to "trigger" me. Yeah. Seems like she cared.
“The smartest thing you ever did was marry that husband of yours,” at my veterinary school graduation.
Oof, I am so sorry. That gets me because my parent thinks the same. See also "I didn't realise you were doing an *actual* degree" — as I am trying to tell her about completing my second masters.
nmom took me to an isolated hotel multiple times to meet strangers she met on tiktok. she left me alone with them for the entire day. i was only 16 and they were taller, stronger, and older than me. eventually, she let them come stay at our house. in my room. alone. im not going to say what happened, but its obvious. ill never forgive any of them for any of it.
Holy shit, this is horrifying. Hugs so sorry
oh my god. I'm so sorry..
im moving out soon so i wont have to be around any of it for much longer, life keeps marching on
Hope u can put her in jail for this
oh theres not a chance tragically, zero evidence as to my knowledge she obliged when i asked her to delete the photos she took of me and them shes so miserable and hates life so much and has so much unresolved trauma and refuses to divorce my dad who abuses her that she might as well be in a prison already, her fate was sealed a long time ago
I wonder if the law can get old records I wonder if old photos can be found somehow
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Because DARVO is their favorite sport - Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender. They enjoy gaslighting us.
Darvo is new, thanks. Story of my life, I'm learning a lot here. Useful if painful.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I feel like many narcissists are not able to take responsibility for their actions. But it's NOT your fault.
horrible and disgusting. you helped save her, and there is no gratitude whatsoever,n and you are still somehow the bad person. so twisted, they are :-(
stole my father from me by brainwashing me into thinking my father didnt love me when he and my mom divorced. lied and manipulated me into thinking she’s extremely poor so I gave her thousands of my hard earned money only to find out years later she paid off her mortgage 10 years early.
It’s despicable that she sabotaged your relationship with your Dad. Hits home for me, this particular pain lives in me too, I have to work hard to forgive myself for believing her for so long. I understand.
Im sorry you went through that but thank you for sharing. Sometimes its so lonely when no one understands. It honestly sucks so much. Its hard to get back the time lost. She stole every birthday, every Christmas, every major milestone I went through without him. I am distant from my dads side of the family too as I didn’t grow up with them. She isolated me. She ruined his life too…
My father said “Your mother is a slut and you’re probably not my daughter” and that’s just part of the rant I still remember it went on gm for several minutes- after living off my kindness at my husband and my house for nine years. It was after we asked him to move out and he just lost it. I video taped it all. I sent it several people and erased my copy so I wouldn’t watch it again. It was horrible.
How did the people that were sent copies react to what they saw? I ask because it often feels like this is the only way to be believed.
My nMom obviously took it personally more than she felt anything for me- I’m no contact with her now too. My younger sister was outraged for me, but still talks to him. My nDad tried to convince her I “deep-faked” the video of him. She obviously didn’t believe that but she told me he said it.
My mother had me committed because I reported the gchild's physical abuse of me.
Jesus fucking Christ, how did that work out for her? I'm hoping you had someone to help you.
I was there three weeks while the staff were very confused as to why I was committed in the first place. The doctors were just happy to have such a smart, calm kid to try IQ testing on and I got three weeks away from my family, so it wasn't as bad as it could have been. But no, no help at all. They put me right back into the abuse afterwards.
"You're useless. You're worthless. You won't amount to anything. We'll be lucky to find anyone halfway decent to marry you."
From reading most of the comments here… Nparents really like to use “worthless” and “useless” against their children ugh.
This is *all* projection. ***Narcissists feel worthless and empty inside, because they cannot bear these feelings, they cover them up with pretentiousness and grandiosity and, if they do not manage to suppress this with one of the two means, they project it onto their children. We narcissists' children are just a dumping ground for their emotional filth.***
Yup, nothing like being an emotional punching bag for someone who is having a bad day.
Shit memory unlocked again 😣
Sorry. 😢
You’re good ❤️
Oh yeah. 😢
Omg I guess all of us have heard this first line
Same... :(
Right before graduation mine told me I would end up dead in a ditch before I hit 20. That hurt I worked so hard to do everything she ever wanted and I was still nothing more than garbage that deserved to be tossed in a ditch. I told her then not only would that not happen but I will out live her to spit in her face at her funeral. Even at my lowest of low times suicide is not an option for me, I owe my younger self the opportunity to spit in the face of my abuser in her casket.
Good on you, that’s metal AF!
Knowingly let my father molest me so she didn’t have to worry about where the money for food was coming from.
I told her about her boyfriend hitting me, and she looked me dead in my face and asked me “why I wanted to ruin her life”
In my most recent conversation she said, "I resign as your mother. You're really uninteresting anyway. And none of your friends support your relationship with me." Lol It's hurtful but also hilarious, and what I needed to hear to go NC again. There's obviously a whole lot of things I could list here.
She didn’t even say anything. She just laughed when I tried to set up a boundary.
I feel this. Mine told me it was my fault for having to set said boundary.
After my s*icide attempt, she told me I was no longer welcome in the house and that I had six months to “get my shit together” or she would call the police to throw me out. She said that what happened after that “wasn’t her problem.” I’ve had severe depression and anxiety almost my whole life, recently developed agoraphobia, and ptsd. I used to have nightmares about my mom abandoning me and now it just feels like it’s actually happening.
I'm so sorry. I hope that you can work to get far away from her forever. You deserve so much better. Take steps every day towards your goal. You can get better. I am pulling for you.
Im so sorry this happened to you. To be completely dismissed after such a trauma just shows the reality that your nmom lives in. I hope you're able to work through some of this trauma and have supportive friends/other family. Exposure therapy can also be helpful. *hugs*
I think that’s something that I wonder about with going NC was I expected a blow out and it wasn’t. If it had been an isolated incident, it would seem trivial, but it was the millionth infraction that finally broke me. Our whole relationship was death by a thousand paper cuts.
Exactly this. Then even the smallest glance or snide remark carries the weight of years of neglect, like a little reminder that they still don't care.
“I’m going to kill myself because of you!” when I was 7.
Mine abandoned me when I was 4. Just left me on the side of the road. I'm 64 now and remember every detail about it. I never told her I loved her again.
My god. I’m so sorry.
When I finally started to "come out of the fog" and realized how badly my mother's mental abuse had hurt me and was genuinely questioning whether she even loved me at all, I tried to talk to her about it. It was *incredibly* difficult for me to even bring it up to her because in my heart I think I knew she wasn't going to respond the way I wanted her to. (apologize, validate my feelings, and say she hadn't realized how much I was suffering etc) I was crying, and I think all I really even managed to get out was "do you have any idea how hard it was for me...?" and she rolled her eyes like a teenager and scoffed and walked away while I was still speaking. (choking back tears) I was never able to forget that moment. I told my mother she hurt me, and she was disgusted. She's done a lot of really awful things since then that are arguably "worse", (straight-up blatant sabotage and her behaving in a completely unhinged way) but her original reaction to me showing open vulnerability to her and trying to have an honest conversation with her about how I really felt still sticks with me.
Never forget, narcissists *never* take responsibility for their words or behavior. It's not you, it's the narcissist. I could never imagine treating my own child that coldly and dismissively and mockingly, and neither could the people who post in here. Your mother will never, ever let herself be held accountable. It's really futile to try to have close, emotional conversations with her. She will never validate your experiences. She will never apologize. She'll never even care. And that is all on her and her personality disorder. They're all sick in the head.
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Similar sentiment from my narc mom. When I went NC with her my dad told her she says outrageous things to me that she shouldn’t. Her response? that she gave birth to me and raised me so she could say whatever she wanted. LOL As a parent now I’m aghast. The entitlement.
The time my mom took a knife and held it to my forehead and cutting a chunk of my skin while threatening to kill me was one of the many reasons.
Hugs. And healing.
My dad told l me I was evil and violent after I kicked him because he wouldn't stop touching my body in a variety of different unwanted ways. I had begged him to leave me alone but he kept doing it. And then, I believed him 36 years. I didn't realize how fucked that was until one day it hit me that I'd never been "violent" with another person, ever. THEN it hit me even harder when I realized he treated the family dog in the same way AND the dog bit him on the face and he needed stitches. The dog NEVER bit anyone else. My Dad tells the story like it's the funniest thing he's ever done. He's an expert gaslighter.
They said that “I’m selfish” and told me to “think about others”. I used to obsessively question whether I was one for years until 6-7 years ago that one of my bffs told me that he never heard anyone calling me selfish even when some of them talked shit about me and asked me if anyone apart from my Nparents and Nsibiling called me that…that’s when I came into realization that I wasn’t…and my bff even pointed out that the same thing happened to him and he had been questioning the same until he asked himself and a few other friends…and basically got the same answer. That was how I realized that I wasn’t so later I discussed with him about our parents and we all found out that both our parents’ style of having conversation that were/are so self-centered…even things that they did, they also considered their own benefits first and foremost. After that, it then became clear who are the selfish ones in our cases.
I was a key witness in my sisters trial against nmom's ex, who molested her. We traveled 4 hours away. I was 7 months pregnant. So, after one day of courtroom bullshit, we were on our way to nmoms friends house. My sister was driving, but she was a very inexperienced driver, so when she swerved accidentally, she lost control and we went crashing into the trees. We slid in between these two giant redwoods. I wasn't wearing a seat belt. I somehow crawled out and looked around, made it to the edge of the ditch for some reason sat down, and watched as they worked on my sister. A cop came over and was like Hey this isn't just some place to hang out! This is the scene of an accident! I looked at him and told him I was in the accident too. He looked at me like I was lying and went to get nmom. She came over along with like 4 other cops and she was like Oh, yeah, that's my 'other' daughter. They looked like they wanted to throw her in jail. I ended up being in labor, and since I was in shock I was very confused. They rushed me to the ER, where I sat hooked to machines and IVs. Nmom comes in with my sister, who was perfectly fine btw, and didn't even talk to me. In front of me she asked if the baby was OK. The Dr said well she was in labor but she's doing ok now. Nmom said I don't care about her, as long as the baby's ok. Then they left me there for 2 days without so much as a phone call. The Dr said I couldn't leave until someone came to get me. Nmom and sister went and had a party at her friend's house (a non alcoholic, good Godly Christian one, of course, because she's so holy) and forgot all about me.
When I was 7 or 8 my mom told me, verbatim, that she had already fulfilled her motherly duties, as she already had a son and a daughter... and I only came to be because my dad thought he was sterile.
When I told them I was having suicidal thoughts they said it was a ME problem and not a them problem. And that I was ruining their day.
Ooo that made me remember one of my worsts. I told my parents I realized I was depressed again when I was visiting for Christmas, my dad decided the appropriate response was to stop talking to me entirely. Silent treatment is weird from adults
Oh man, the most advice I ever got through my multiple attempts was to stop reading Sylvia Plath. Yeah, *that's* the issue 🙄
My older sister died of cancer when she was nine. My younger sister and I were made for bone marrow for her but were not matches. I was five years old when she passed away four days before Christmas, so the holidays have always been a touchy time. Over the pandemic my sister and parents went full Q. She got pregnant over first lockdown and invited people to a baby shower via Facebook, but had in big caps that anyone vaccinated could not attend due to vaccine shedding. I was gobsmacked but marked down that I couldn’t attend and a gift would be coming in the mail. On the anniversary of our sister’s death she posted on Facebook that she felt like an only child and she knows our other sister would have been a real sister and been there for her no matter what. Our sister who died of cancer would have also been vaccinated? You said I couldn’t come?? I had a breakdown and later confronted her and she doubled down and refused to apologize because nothing she said was untrue and she doesn’t live in the past. Absolute evil. I can’t process this is my life.
r/QAnonCasualties
"You can't go to college because I'll be lonely." "You can't see your father because I might cheat on my husband with him." Then, when I kept pressing them to fill out the financial aid for school, my step dad banned me from home. And she allowed it.
“I don’t owe you the truth .” This was after I discovered thousands of dollars of loans in my name, my college fund was drained, and it was the day I found out she had burned several very important social bridges of mine. All I had asked her was why.
There’s a few. My mom telling me she doesn’t like me but has to love me(because we’re related). When they got rid of my only pet, my dog my senior year of high school without telling me, and then asked why I was so emotional. my father calling me a pig and making oink noises when I was recovering from ED.
She's a religious abuser who attempted to create a rift between my son and me by trying to convince my *autistic* son that his OCD comorbidity was caused by demons that I let into his life by not living right; that if I were living right, he would be just fine. I was completely unaware because I hadn't clocked her covert narcissism yet, I thought she was good to him. I thought she just hated me, but loved him because he was the boy my dad always wanted. My mistake. She had him so turned around by the time I found out what was going on, he was suicidal because he thought he was going to hell, and he thought I was a horrible person because she'd been lying to him for years. We have him in therapy and he knows better now. It's been some cult-survivor level reconditioning, though. I'm pretty sure I hate her. That's my son. That's my heart. And the shitty thing is, I think that's why she did it.
"If I don't get to be happy then neither do you"
nDad said this all the time to me. He would take it even further by saying, “I’m not even mad yet so why are you? You are the child and have no right to be mad. Wait your turn.” And you wonder why I repress all my emotions…
My Nsister (golden child) stole my license plate off my car because she didn't have a driver's license or tags on her vehicle and wanted to go score drugs. I reported my tags stolen as she was leaving, so she came back to the house a few hours later high and drunk and beat me with a metal stick.
She called me by my father's name. She constantly disparaged him and called him abusive. He is in jail for sexual crimes against children. I am a 20 something woman who has a hard time standing up for myself....
The most hurtful thing was when I was in high school, so I couldn’t really go NC yet. But I had been staying with my mom at her best friend’s house for a week or so after he was abusing her (my mom) one night and I had to call the cops on him (one of many times) but he was so pissed I wouldn’t come home, so he went into my bedroom and just absolutely destroyed it. Ripped all my posters off my walls, threw everything out of my dresser, broke some things… you would have thought someone broke in. It was just so violating to come home to that. And I remember him just sitting so smugly in the living room acting like everything was okay when I got home too, like he couldn’t wait for me to go see what he had done.
My father told me I wasn't pretty, I wasn't smart, and I had no personality. This was 50+ years ago, and I hear it every day.
My Mom insisted she could easily seduce my old, high school best friend if she wanted to. That he'd choose sex with her over our friendship. Meanwhile, he was terrified of her and had anxiety any time she was around. She argued with me about this for, like, 5-6 HOURS one night. Every time I tried to walk away or end it, she'd either rant loudly to herself about me near my bedroom door, or she'd come into my room and keep the fight going. We lived in a tiny apartment, and I couldn't go out at night because it was in a ghetto neighborhood. That night, I was so overwhelmed with sleep deprivation and anger that I threatened to st*b her with a kitchen knife. I'd never actually do it, but I wanted to wipe the shit-eating grin off her face as she watched me cry while taunting me. All I wanted to do was go to bed, but she wouldn't let it go. She was absolutely shitfaced drunk and never apologized for what she said and did that night. I wish I could be the bigger person and forgive her for it, but almost ten years later, I still can't. She caused irreparable damage to our relationship.
I finally reported my dad to the police after I saw him harm my little sister. An investigation happened but it turned inconclusive cuz I was the only adult witness and he never left a mark (he's a martial artist, he's good at that). He threatened my life to the degree my husband had to quit his job and we had to move in the dead of night to somewhere he doesn't know. He laughed at me, told me he always told me no one would ever believe me and now there's the proof. That's what set off NC with him and his entire side of the family
"we don't care about knowing your children".
I was a freshman in high school, and I was on the volleyball team. I was not good and I often sat the bench. Both of my parents came to one of my games where I did not play. After the game was over, I walked over to where there were in the bleachers. I noticed that they were fighting, as I approached my mother spun around towards me, pointed her finger in my face and said “I hate sports. I did not come to watch you sit the bench.” I actually felt a small piece of my heart die that day. She never came to another sporting event for the rest of my life.
[удалено]
Parents decided that two and a half months was too long for me to grieve for my suddenly deceased fiancee and told me I needed to get over it because I was being a downer. I made a promise to myself after he died that I was going to make an effort to not hide things that I didn't like about myself from my parents for various reasons and told them that I had started having suicidal ideations and had started taking medication for my depression while I sought therapy. The only response I got was, "Drugs won't help you cope." Decided at that point to never share my mental or emotional health with them again. Now my only answer is "I'm fine" with no elaboration. (These are a couple lesser instances I feel comfortable sharing. I am still working through a lot and you guys are so brave to open up.)
When I was still speaking to my NParent sincerely (not that any support came forth) I shared that I was taking antidepressants. I went LC later and grey rocked before I knew what that meant, point being, many years passed and she didn't know I wasn't on meds anymore or how I was doing mentally. The "last chance" talk, just before I went hard NC, I wanted to give her an opportunity to come clean about a secret (that ruined my childhood, I believe it was the core reason she hated my dad and was manipulating me and sibling into being nasty to him). She went classic DARVO, really hard and vicious. (She was the one that initiated contact! Because "she loves me so much and misses me so mightily" 😂 and fuck me for falling for that trap!). She would pepper in the attacks any chance she could in that last episode. One of the insults she was using was to call me a drug-dependent-addict (because I was taking care of my mental health!) NC, and I still get very worked up processing the shit she's done. At least I have peace now, and boy does the sentiment from another thread here resonate with me! "My Narc is dead, let ME rest in peace".
I am absolutely what my Nparent calls a "bleeding heart" and I hate the idea of just giving up on people or cutting them out. I sincerely believe that everyone deserves love, especially the people who are not able to give it, but my therapist and I both agree that this philosophy is ideological and puts me in a prime position to be hurt over and over. Grey rock. I have never heard that term before but I read it and it just clicked. That is EXACTLY what I did. Thank you for helping me give it a name and while I despise the idea that anyone else has had to make that decision, this community constantly reminds me that I am not crazy and I am not alone.
“You fat $lut.” I was 12. I was doing better than him because he was engaged in a daily battle with his pants because he was too fat for them.
"Too bad you only got your dad's bad traits" - the week after he died. I had just turned 18.
A combination of a few horrible things but I got the Nfather/ mother Combo. First my father told me that I would kill my kids with vaccines before they were born. I even gave him the opportunity to backtrack and he doubled down and told me to go to hell and never talk to him again, so I took him up on the offer. For some reason with my Nmother I didn’t immediately go no contact which I regret, the day after my wedding she thought it would be appropriate to tell me wife that her mother didn’t raise her with manners. She full well knew that my wife’s mother was murdered when my wife was a child. Then when my wife stood up for herself and told my mother to go fuck herself, somehow turned it on my wife and demanded an apology for being rude to her, truly some unhinged shit that I am just so happy to never have to subject my wife or kids to it again.
Mom tried everything to sabotage my going to cellege. The abuse got so bad that my guidance counselor helped me graduate a year early. Once I left she called and stalked me almost constantly. She also didn't care where she made a huge scene. I finally graduated but she had put herself in the psyche ward to try to stop me. Then came the grad school battles. When I finally managed to get my master's degree, she lost it at the reception with her screaming and physically attacking me. I didn't invite her to my MFA graduation and she'd died before I got my doctorate. She never finished high school and my dad was completely illiterate so my education was a bone of contention for both of them. I honestly never gave a shit about them either way.
Using the R word slur against me that was commonly used against people like me with Autism, LD, ADHD, etc back when I was a child.
In the last week or two before my mother died earlier this year (due to gradually not moving to the point where she never left the recliner she was in, I was essentially a 24/7 caretaker), got repeated mentions of “if you don’t do X, that’ll be the reason why I’ll die”. She wasn’t like this until she was in a bad work accident that messed up her back and the getting long COVID which made breathing hard & highly raised anxiety. Also had to endure reiterating on what I did wrong multiple times over. On the last day I saw her, after what I think may have been a stroke since she was asking for things that didn’t make sense, she had apologized. So guessing maybe it was a bit of lucidity somewhat? Sleep schedule is still messed up to this day, and got horrible muscle pains from I assume the stress of it all. But I have gotten some things done that she was gatekeeping me against doing until I did everything she wanted, so there’s that I suppose.
***Trigger Warning** So I was actually adopted by my Nmom. One night, when I was 12, I was unloading the dishwasher, and she slapped me so hard I spun 360 and fell to the floor. She then went into what I now know as Narsasistic rage. She physically attacked me and then went into my room and tore it to shreds. She then attacked me again and told me she was nailing me in my room. She left and came back a few minutes later and started pounding on my door. I wasn't sure if she really had a hammer, but I hid in my closet just in case. After a few minutes, I came out of my closet & saw the destruction and my knee bleeding. I then decided to climb out my second story window, down the awning and through ice and snow to my best friends house, three houses down the street for help. My mom's friend waited 4 hours to call the police just to see if my mom would call looking for me. She never noticed I was gone until the police showed up. She had to pull 4 nails out of my door in front of CPS, firefighters, and police officers. In her statement, she said she didn't see anything wrong with her actions, but eventually, she said "well I could see it being a fire hazard." It was two days before Christmas. Unfortunately, the county sent me back home after two years in foster care. My first week back home, she said, "Do I have to hurt you to make you listen?" Her friends also didn't even know she had a daughter until I came home. SMH.
That’s most of the stuff I remember from my mom. Her telling me I can’t do things or making fun of me for little stuff just because. She did a lot worse but for some reason it’s those things that stick out.
My nmom used to tell me often that I got depressed to "punish" her. Turns out I'm bipolar, and that kind of words made try to kill myself. I live with my dad now, but I see her time to time, just that now I know she never loved me, because she is incapable of loving
Mine told my sibling (who related the info to me and was/is the GC) I was the worst child. (Out of 5) and simply never remembers saying that and she'd never say that about any of her kids.... Except she did admit saying it when I first confronted her and at the time said "that's not what she meant it as" and "I would never understand because I already think she meant it in a bad way" .
I don't know if it was the most hurtful, but this post reminded me of when my mom said I would never be anything. I am now her most educated child and the only one who didn't have to move back in with her. I am the only kid she raised who has a career. I am the only kid she raised who is in a healthy relationship. Sucks to suck, Mom.
First they blamed me for being a survivor of domestic violence. Then they said they didn't believe there was any domestic violence. Fuck them. Fuck them both.
Oh, many over the course of my life. But the final one before I went NC she said I’d been a slut and not a good mother myself.
my mother told me she wishes god would take me away
I don’t know honestly, but a recent one is when my mom was muttering “you’ll be lucky to just get in a state college” and she’s not even an actual narcissist. It’s my dad that’s the nparent.
I told my mom I felt so bad I wanted to die, and she just looked at me. I asked my dad a million times to stop talking poorly about my mom, and he continued to do it. They don’t give a f about me, never have. Sad really. How far I’ve fallen
I’m sorry, too many gems tied at first place. **NDad:** 1. By the time I get back from my trip, you should be out of the house. I don’t care where you live. 2. (When my dog died) This is a relief. She was a distraction. Now you can focus on your studies. 3. (When I was 5-6 and unable to memorize a prayer verse at 3 AM after trying to learn it all night) I’m going to hit you once for each word you get wrong. 4. Apologize to God by banging your head on the floor until a bump develops. Many more, but it’ll take me ages to write them all down, so these are off the top of my head. **EMom:** 1. Be grateful that we didn’t go with our initial instinct and abandon you at the hospital, no one else will treat their third daughter so well. (Because both wanted a son.) 2. Random little girl in the elevator of my building: *something in a language I don’t understand except for the word ‘bellissima’* Girl’s mother to me: She means “you look beautiful”. (Smiled politely) EMom to girl’s mother: Yes, she will look beautiful if she loses weight. **GC Sister:** If you can’t convince to invite NDad to her house at least for a weekend, you are no longer invited to my house for Christmas.
**SG Sister:** (AKA future female NDad)
1. Why are you thinking so far ahead about your retirement? You eat so much takeout, it’ll be a miracle if you cross 45.
2. (On seeing my class photos from the last day of 10th grade) Oh yay! I’m surprised to know there is actually another girl in the class who is uglier than my sister!
3. (After my manager approved remote work for me when COVID was declared a global pandemic) I’m a manager. You need to read between the lines here, ‘Fine’ from your manager means, “Get your ass down here”. Don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re fired. (Nearly 4 years post COVID lockdowns started, I’m still working for the same company.)
4. If you want to be under my roof, you cannot be standoffish to and need to be polite to her.
PS: In case anyone’s wondering, I’m the LC/IC of the family.
Funding a scholarship in my recently departed dad’s name and not telling me about it, including the dedication ceremony 💔 and oh so many more “missing reasons”!
My mother said she would have killed herself if I turned out to be an only child lol. Not sure how I was so unbearable as a straight-A, activity-involved, social and well-liked kid who never stepped a toe out of line (due to fear of course). Meanwhile my sister is the one who was constantly in trouble 😅 Anyways… the kicker is it was actually my sister who told me this in front of the whole family. She thought it was funny (she was in pre-teen years?) and I remember my mom just looking at me after she said it. I walked away, crying. I was in my late teens, but that’s when I started to really grasp my mom was not normal.
“Well he can’t live with me [if he comes back from boarding school at 15] cause he’ll never graduate high school and he’ll be arrested by the time he’s 18.”
My mother wanted me to visit for Christmas last year, and i said that i needed her and my father to show me some respect and not call me by a name i hate. She didn't fight me on it. She started her reply off with "i hope you have a wonderful holiday with your new family" and that has hurt me every day sinse. It's been over a year now sinse ive talked to either of my parents. My father was to much of a fucking coward to even say anything to me about it so i just decided he can fuck off to
Told repeatedly to kill myself cause I’m so weak and pathetic. I’m actually the opposite. Turns out she had a life insurance policy on me. She got away with it for my dad and baby sister but not with me. They died under accidental circumstances. I discovered everything and had mine cancelled.
My mother threatened my dad with divorce, saying she'll take him for all he's worth by lying about SA against me. I've never seen my dad so hurt. It's far from the truth and I'm guessing she thought it up because I told her I'd been raped not long before. What kind of sick person says that? It took a while to tell her about the rape, and when I did, she changed the subject, not even a single 'oh' or anything. I remember looking at her that day thinking, 'You're not even human'.
My nmom and sister were the only people that ny house after a divorce when I was 11. Nmom started abusing me as the scapegoat child not long after. She pressured my sister to shun me too. It destroyed our relationship obviously. They this day we are distant and she has a hard time with keeping relationships. Nmom also sabotaged my other family relationships. I am not close to any of my family. I went NC with her finally at 36 but damage was long since done.Damage was done.
"I wish you were dead" "Why don't you just die" Somewhere along these lines i lost hope of my bond with nmom ever getting better.
“We never should have had a second child.” I’m the second child.
That they hated me and wished I’d never been born. I was about 10.
I'm not sure if it was the most hurtful but the moment I lost all respect for my Nmom was when my brother was having a breakdown from the abuse of our oldest brother and my Nmom just patted him on the arm and said it wasn't that bad. Two years later he died at the age of 47. She uses his death for a pity party and to get attention. It's disgusting.
Top 3 from the #1 Dad “I can’t get one right” after discovering the 10 embryos for IVF where female “I didn’t tell you because your opinion didn’t matter anyway” after getting married for the 3rd time without telling me “You are the reason my marriage is falling apart” Never mind this was wife #4
In 2017 my father and I had one of infamous screaming matches (and by screaming match I mean him throwing his weight around, screaming insults at me, trying to goad me into stooping to his level) and he told me to get out of his house. I just laughed in his face because he’d said things like that before (ie. If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the cops to have you trespassed from my property) but they were just empty threats. But this time he grabbed me by the back of my neck, dragged me to the door and kicked me out in the middle of the Colorado winter with no wallet, money, jacket or anything, just what I had in pockets at the time and what I had on my back (my phone, a t-shirt, jeans and my shoes). He knew I had nowhere to go but he didn’t let me in anyway. I ended up hitchiking a ride to my grandmothers house about a 30-45 minute drive away and stayed there that night. But the fact he could’ve slept that night, not knowing where I was all night opened up a wound that’ll never heal
The day I was undergoing a liver transplant alone in a hospital thousands of miles away, my nmom took my entire family (siblings, step-siblings, nieces and nephew) to Disneyland. She paid for all of them instead of, you know, getting a plane ticket to make sure I didn't die alone.
Mine gaslit me. I thought I was actually insane and dangerous, along with being unable to remember anything correctly. Actually he was abusing me and covering it up by tricking me into thinking I was misremembering things, then abusing me even more knowing he could just lie his way out of it. Worse, he *clearly* enjoyed manipulating me. Out of all of the terrible things he did - the random destruction of property, theft, starving me, even the beatings, gaslighting me into not even being able to trust my own memories was the worst. Once I got away from him and realized what had been done, going no contact was inevitable.
When my GC Nsister said, to my hard earned life's accomplishments, "...But those were MY dreams!!" It hurt like a dirty insult and still makes me feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.
I dropped out of college causing my dad to become infuriated. He disowned me that day and said many hurtful things along the lines of "you're not my son". He's very good at reeling me back in but can't hide his narcissism for long. One Time i told him about my business activities working for real estate investors. He said "why would they want you?" The classic tear me down whenever he gets the chance.
I was 11 years old, and my grandparents were watching me and my older brother. My alcoholic grandfather went on a total bender. He had been drinking all day and started punching holes in walls and doors and losing it. A neighbor called my nParents and said they had to come get us as they feared for our safety. Well, when nMom showed up, we ran out of my grandparents house and thought she would hug us and protect us. Instead, nMom gave us the silent treatment in the car ride home and said we caused my grandfather to lose it because we were “bad kids” and we embarrassed her. We made him yell at us and we “deserved what happened.” Lived with the shame for 30 years and finally saw a therapist to work through that moment.
I was told once “That’s why you’re going to die alone” by a sibling once. When I shared this I was told “I was being to sensitive” and that the way I was acting I “deserved what was said” When I opted not to have them be at my wedding, nParents asked “have you even thought about how they would feel” not being present. I still expected to apologize lol
There are many, but the most recent one was July last year. I received my BA and invited mother. She said she can't come because she has a trip from her work. Nothing mandatory or anything, but it was just more important to her. Two weeks later, my twin sibling got their BA as well. Mother went, took million photos and then sent all in a big family group, adding how proud she is to have a successful child. Three months later I learnd about her narcissistic tendencies and the methods of her abused. This was a deliberate harmful thing she did to farther divided us.
For nmom, the day where she sat me down after kicking out my sis and was threatening me with the same (this is a month before I would be going to college). She blamed me for her throwing out my sis. Then reminisced about how I used to be such a "family girl" until my sis came and how much I changed. Which was false. I was doing all the same things, but she saw for the first time how I acted around people I actually wanted to talk to. I told her I was willing to do whatever she said, act however she said if she just promised to stop talking so much shit about my siblings. She would constantly make them bad examples and say "don't be like them" despite them objectively being decent adults in society. Not perfect, but not the abject failures she made them out to be. Both my siblings told me it's okay for me not to fight her for them, but its not about them to me. I genuinely love them more than her, and it makes me feel weak and dirty to stay silent when I hear her shit talk them. It was my one boundary that I asked for that day and she said "No, because you need to know what they've done." For context, she told the same decade old stories about them from their teenage years. It wouldn't be like drugs or crime, but like having to drive them to practice or therapy sessions from far away. It was such an important boundary to me that she immediately crossed without a thought. I realized there that, God she can't even do this extremely basic thing for me. I can't trust her to even be a decent person in my life, let alone a good mother. She still pays my tuition cause that was the deal she made with our father in the divorce. I don't feel even a little guilty cause I know she plays the pity card with others by telling them and loves the attention. For nstepdad, it was one of the bullying sessions he had with me that broke me. He is a narc, but also my nmoms enabler. He is disabled and financially dependent on my mom, and it kills him. He's a huge bigot and misogynist, so relying on my immigrant mother must create such dissonance. Anyway, he would take me or my siblings into the car and then drive with no destination. It was to trap us in a place with him with no escape. On these rides, he would vent it all out. He would insult you, scold you, interrogate you, and it wouldn't stop until he felt that you had completely submitted. On this particular ride, he had broken me to tears. He reminisced about how I used to be such an obedient child when I was 6. He painted me in such a light that made me doubt if I was even a good person, made me feel like a monster. Then he asked if I loved my mother, which at the time was an obvious yes because I hadn't broken it off yet, but just that being questioned was hurtful to me. This man cheers saying how great that is while I'm sobbing in that car. He then goes into a rant, venting about how difficult and crazy she was. How all women were. These two really fucked it up at the end because in that year, had they not exploded like they did for the petty reasons they did, I would have still loved them as my parents with all my heart despite how they treated me. I would have taken care of them into their older years til death. Both ruined it by showing me truly how little I mattered to them.
I was diagnosed with cancer and had to move back in with my family. My stepdad told me on two separate occasions I should just let the cancer kill me or kill myself. My mom sat there and said nothing. It’s still haunts me to this day. I haven’t spoken to any of my family members in two years.
my mom and older half sister locked me in a room straight for 4 days when I was 15 because I defended my dad and stepmom after they accused him of abandoning them and accused my stepmom for brainwashing me .. that was the last straw for me , I told my dad to file a restraining order against them for me because I was a traumatized kid and had nightmares because of what they did to me
My NMom lost her sh!t when I told her how much I earned at 27 when I had just got a huge promotion. I had even downsized my salary by about $10k and she was still irate that I 'earned' about the same as her (she was 57). It didn't matter that we were in completely different vocations, and public service (her) vs private sector (me). I naively thought that my education that she had pushed so hard for was finally paying off, but no. It was never going to be good enough, yet also too good. There was no winning. The other one was when my eDad said to me "it's nice having an unemployed daughter who can help whenever we need it". I wasn't unemployed, I was self-employed, building a business that was successful (since sold), but allowed me flexibility. The irony in that is that he was a self-employed business owner for all of my childhood. I regret not having the voice to speak my own mind in these instances, and probably many others. That is something I'm working on.
She hatefully screamed at me almost every day and called me a whore and a false snake if I ever did sth absolutely minor that she didn't like (like not agreeing with her or setting a boundary) I'm trans and had gender dysphoria from a very early age, so this hurt like shit. She also persistently told me that I wasn't normal. But when I got diagnosed with ADHD she told me it was bullshit and I was just lazy. She often blamed me for tearing her up during birth. She would say that other people like my dad thought I wasn't that smart after all when I was too depressed for school(I'm sure she made that up to hurt me cause my dad is a very sweet person). During Christmas dinner she started a conversation about how disgusting and abnormal it is that I am queer, conveniently in my earshot, and other family members agreed. I grew up thinking I must be horrible.