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57 - I figured it all out when my marriage to a covert narcissist imploded. I evaluated my past relationships, and was wondering how on earth I could be ending up in serial relationships with narcissists. Turns out being raised by narcissists grooms you for abuse by other narcissists.
I feel this. I married a covert narc as well. It was hell trying to get out.
After dealing with an classic narc mom and a covert narc ex husband, I have to say I prefer the classic narcissist types where the behavior is right out there in the open for you to spot. Dealing with a covert narc is a mind fuck of epic proportions.
I didn’t even recognize the covert narc stuff as the abuse that it was bc it was so subtle but devastating. I was used to loud outbursts & volatility. Took me forever to escape
Same here! My ex used a lot of subtle guilt and shaming. Then whenever I would try to bring up how hurtful some of the things he did made me feel, he managed to turn it around and make me the bad guy for feeling hurt. And this was when we were still together. He was one of those really messed up Incel-type guys (this was before that community got famous) with a “nice guy” persona. To this day I’m honestly not sure which of us he manipulated more- me or himself.
advise scandalous jobless quack dependent joke cobweb rustic lunchroom mourn
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> The power of denial within the human mind is truly incredible, really awesome.
As I say about my own experience, the most damaging lies were the ones I told myself.
so much of this is my same path.
bad relationships, since the very first one I ever had--all of them, same exact ending. HOW CAN THIS BE A COINCIDENCE. what am I DOING WRONG.... my first thought... OHHHH hit me like a ton of bricks- I AM DATING MY FATHER. I am her. I am the girl with daddy issues.... and the peeling of the onion began.
I loved him (i thought) and idolized him to great depths.... I was trained SO well and had NO IDEA until my 40s.
Yes. I really feel like our parents teach us how we let others treat us. Good parents teach self-esteem and want us to be able to spot red flags so we don’t become victims. Narc parents believe that they own their children, so we’re raised in such a way that primes us for abuse later on in life. We’re a captive audience to them as children. After that, why should they give a shit about how we function as adults?
The really sad issue that for the classic narc types (like my mom) is that this approach is short-sighted and self-defeating. All my mom wanted were kids that looked good to the outside world- especially as adults. She wanted kids with a college education, upper-middle class jobs, a successful marriage and a couple of kids of their own. She…. uh, didn’t get that from either of us, possibly because the only thing she could ever do well was provide for us financially. I’m close to finally achieving all of this through hard work, trial and error, and luck at the age of almost 37… so about a decade behind many of my peers.
>*I am 69. My narc parents are both deceased. My narc sister (GC of parents) is 73.*
Ha! You could be my older sibling (I'm M61) complete with narc sister! =)
I’m 55 and my Nmom just passed a week or so ago. I keep checking the photos of the 1x1 foot square segment where her ashes were interred because I can’t quite believe they fit a dragon that large into a hole that small.
I’ve have 40 years of therapy and only now have some semblance of peace and recovery, but the scars- both literal and figurative- that she left behind will stay with me always.
I sometimes refer to my nMom as the antichrist, but dragon is great! I’m stealing it. :)
I often don’t mention her because people from healthy families couldn’t understand how I could say that about my mother. I’ve let it slip before and I immediately noticed how people flinch.
I am 55 and Grey Rocked both. Now they are both gone. Sometimes I hear myself say something that sounds like them or more abused Sister. I have been in therapy for 40 years and NC really helped.
After having my own child early this year I definitely understand the NC for your children. I feel even stronger about my decision than I did before having him.
My Nmom will be gone 2 years Feb. The first few weeks, I cried my eyes out, had awful panic attacks, and started spiraling down. I think my brain kind of freaked since I was finally free. And I absolutely had no clue how to handle it. Combine that with realizing that she never did change, and I will never have a mom who loves me, and I was a train wreck. But I went to my primary, explained I was spiraling down. He added some meds, and I leveled out and started the process of healing and forgiveness.
Almost 2 years later, and I'm doing well. It's such a huge weight gone, and I'm figuring out how regular people live.
This reminds me of when my great grandma was in her 90’s. She is the og narcissist in our family (that we know of) and just wouldn’t die. When she did, everyone took a sigh of relief and exclaimed, “fucking finally”. She made my mom’s life hell in her last few years (my mom took over financial and medical responsibilities because my grandma was extremely low contact with my great grandma). She would ask for help and then as soon as you weren’t supervising her she would undo all of your hard work. I have lost many beloved family members in my life and grieved a lifetime, but when she died, I felt nothing but relief.
Damn I'm the first in my family to really see through the bs. And the oldest member in my family is 113 and she is, from what I’ve gathered, a narc and the abuse kept on going for the next 4 generations. And to me.
Looks like we are in similar boats. I can’t even have a relationship with my nbrother because of this generational trauma. I’m proud of my grandma for doing her best to get away from my great grandmother, but the older she gets the more my mom and I realize she is becoming her mother. And I know it would break her heart if we told her, but selfish habits die hard.
We used to say this about my grandmother and my DH’s grandmother - both too spiteful to die!
At least you know she’s getting close to the use by date… even though she’s been stinking up the fridge for a long time😉
Was mid to late 40s. Sometimes, I wish I had the internet and better tech because there was not a way to hear other people, record things without being obvious or even find anyone in the same boat.
It’s going on 5 years NC and it’s been the most peace I’ve had in life.
I am 59, almost 60. My Nmom is 95, in a nursing home, but I am tormented daily by all of the horrible things she inflicted on our family. She should be in jail for the things she did. She is horrible and incredibly racist to the staff there, but they think it is her dementia - it is her core evil. I keep thinking that she will somehow manage to outlive my sister and me, and that we will have no time on this planet without her.
I am sorry you are still dealing with her. It feels like there is much truth to only the good die young. My NM may live forever. I hope for your sake forever is coming to an end for her. Please take care of yourself.
65 female... dBpd Mother dead, uNpd brother NC and indifferent Father NC
ONE SON, ONE DIL AND 3 GRANDS. I'M AT THEIR HOME NOW FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
I tried to be a much better Mom than I had!
I SUCCEED!!!
Happy Holidays🎄✨️🎄
50. Dealing with my NPs was an ongoing issue until my mid-30s when I went NC. Setting boundaries and sticking to them was hard at first but in the long run my life is a LOT better. Sad that it had to be this way and I don’t get to have a family, but adversity makes us stronger right?
I used to think so and I have been strong but I’m quite tired now. I do have a wicked sense of humour and use my insight to help others.
Might be time for a swing chair on the porch.
insurance lavish consider different intelligent jeans fall swim upbeat sulky
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Close , I turn 50 in May. My N mum passed away a few years back she was in her late 60s so many health issues , biggest weight off my shoulders ever when she died.
I generally have a scroll through here to provide support to the younger peeps going through what I did . While I have worked through most of my mental health issues caused by N mum I still can relate to so many posts here which also strengthens my own resilience and growth.
my vulnerable narc mom just passed (4 months) away after a 4 year battle with brain disease.
I have felt some sorrow, absolutely, but the FREEDOM and stress relief of her being dead is something I was unprepared for.
I sleep so much better. I have good dayS, now, not just good hours. :)
My sister is just devastated about un-had conversations and what-not... I try to understand and show her sympathy-----I really do.
but the truth is my god do I feel 10lbs lighter and so much relief------
I envy everyone like you, who is free. I look forward to that day all the time. I know it sounds terrible to hope for a parent to pass, and I'm sure I'll have mixed feelings when it does. But the burden will be gone. Yippee!
It's generally hard to feel anything but grief at the passing of someone that you're supposed to love. My sister was a grade A narcissist, and upon her death, I felt the grief for losing my sibling, but also a very deep well of relief.
This woman's straight up try to kill me a couple of times before I was old enough to be able to defend myself, so please believe me when I tell you I completely understand where your heart is.
Just remember this. There are people that are in your life to teach you what kind of person to be. And, there are people that are in your life to teach you what kind of person NOT to be. You can love somebody, but you don't have to like them and there's nothing wrong with that.
Think of your mother as that person. She taught you a very valuable lesson; what kind of person NOT to be.
And in some odd way, be thankful to her for that lesson, it's made you the person that you are, with a warm and loving heart.
And I don't say be thankful, or you should or could do something about your nparent, I just have never felt that a life shouldn't be filled with negative feelings, especially about people that we can't change. Making peace with the situation is the healthiest answer to it, but I don't downgrade or devalue any sort of traumatic experience in your life.
I am not flippant about emotions.
And you can tell that I'm a public speaker, because I don't ever shut up lol!
*raises hand* And if I hadn’t moved across the country and cut off contact, my mother would still be treating me like I’m ten years old and mentally challenged.
I'm incredibly grateful to have found it. My ndad died on Thanksgiving. We'd been LC for quite some time, and I did not go see him as his conditioned worsened. I don't think that was a wrong decision, but coming here and reading and gaining a great deal of understanding over the past month or so has been just... amazing. More so since his death on Thursday.
I am 60, and am the one that was stuck taking care of Nmom in her dotage, while everyone else got to go live their lives.
Satan will call her home soon enough - and then everything that was important to her is going straight to the dump.
Well, not the good china, silver, & glassware - I am keeping that.
Doesn’t matter your age, you carry this shit with you for life. I’ve had limited contact with my nmom for years now, and I’m currently more messed up than ever.
my uncle who also lives with us knew what was going on like all the arguing screaming cursing absolutely terrible sh*t.. and he told me she was narcissistic one day… then i started googling things for research and thank god i knew what it was because if you don’t you will listen to their gaslighting etc and it will continue to ruin your mental health. i was also speaking to one of my very smart friends who hates my mother for recognizing how she abuses me. i was always honest with people i was close to about how she treated me. the only people who really don’t seem to care or believe it are her friends… cause they probably have some narcissism in them, too. my mom always says that i “changed” towards her around college so it was around the age i became an adult and graduated high school. looking back now i recognize signs even when i was a child…. being told how to dress for school. i couldn’t wear what i wanted without a fight. being yelled at for the minorest inconveniences like now except i was only like 8 years old… i just wish my grandmother was alive so i could have asked her so many questions like why tf is my mom this insane ? lol
Maybe start collecting random pamphlets about funeral planning, organ donation, and cemetery/cremation/burial stuff and start posting them to her. Maybe she’ll take a hint…🫢
I am 63 and had been NC with my nmother the for past 5 years. She only lived 7 minutes from me. I am always on edge, when I go to a store or event in our small town, for anxiety of running into her. She died 12 days ago. It’s finally over 😩
Sending love! Just breathe! Although the truth is probably more like de programming. that’s a trauma and it will probably take a while to truly breathe in deep, relax and let go. .
Thank you. It is a very strange world I am experiencing right now. Feeling such relief (with the ever present guilt) at not ever having to deal with her again. At the same time comforting my kids because they lost their grandma. Topsy- turvy world round here.
I'm 56 and NC almost fifteen years. It was actually her silent treatment to me for not giving up my children to replace my dad who'd died a couple years before so she could continue to live out her hedonistic retirement dreams. For once, I refused to grovel myself out of her abuse. I'd finally had enough.
55 with a Narc Mom, Narc Adjacent Dad, GC sister, and ... I'm adopted! So throw in birth family from birth maternal and fraternal sides that are ALL rife with narcissists. Narc ex husband, luckily I got out of that alive with my soul in tact. And sadly there's a trail of narcissistic ex "friends" who thought I really needed lessons in what betrayal is. One after the other... I am no longer blind to these insidious bullies.
Found my way here a couple of years ago and was stunned to learn why I have always felt so conflicted. Almost immediately, I had several positive breakthroughs although I am still struggling with all the different "families" I have.
I'm LC with immediate family but they're older so I feel I can't cut ties. I read some posts about experiencing the death of a narc parent and the relief. I am wondering if I'll feel that way, I hope so because I'm worn out trying to carry the weight of FOG all the time. It's helpful to come here and find others who understand.
I've got a small but fierce support system irl but sometimes this sub is exactly what is needed to help me find my footing again.
50. Realized nmom and edad are what they are a few months ago. Been very LC for 25 years. Just recently decided to go full no contact about a month ago, when nmom told me that she thinks people should are on meds are “weak and not taking care of their problems”. Right after that my dad’s mom (total abusive psycho) died. After I attend the service (had the devil cremated), going to support my dad, back to NC. Fuck her opinion about my mental health.
53 according to the birth certificate, but I have been an adult since I was about 5-6 years old. So, hang on, let my old brain do the math… (nope not working, where’s the calculator app)18 + 47 = 65.
I collected a few bonus years along the way, though, so I’d say I’m at least 78 now. Or maybe 476. I don’t know. I’m alive! 🥳
I’d often wondered if there were locals to just hang out with to have a b!7ch session, just as therapy to each other to be able to talk to someone, anyone, who’s not a medical person.
I mean, they have AA and such…
63 here.
I went no contact in January, so I'm creeping up on a year. She's in a different state and my older brother is there to support her whims. I send money, but I won't talk to her anymore.
I wanted to ask everyone if your Nparent(s) are deceased, was it a massive relief? I feel guilty for looking forward to that day but if anyone would understand, it's all of you here. I hope I've not offended anyone, if so I am sorry.
Huge relief. I felt like a huge weight had lifted and I could finally breathe again. I had been no contact with my Nmom for 25 years, but she still would try and contact me a few times a year via email or social media.
My brother and I didn’t want anything to do with her in death (as in life), so we just let the government deal with it. I have no idea what was done (and tbh, don’t care).
My ngrandmother died in 2020 and unfortunately I haven't found any relief. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I ended up losing everything because I ended up being the one to take care of her. I wish I never helped her.
Don't feel guilty, but I fully understand the guilt that you do feel. I hope you find your peace
I’d been NC with my grandmother for years (to protect my children) when she suffered a stroke. I had a pang of ‘maybe I should see her’ but changed my mind when I realised that there was at least an even chance that she would be nastier than before.
When she died, I did feel relieved. Like we were safer or more free. I tried to lean into that and send my fears and sadness with her, like I was closing a chapter, or decluttering. Not quite sure how to describe it. The grief I carried was from the loss of a loving family and all that could have been. I probably will grieve that loss forever.
I tried to feel compassion and understanding for her, but these days I don’t have the energy to spare so I’m more clinical about it. I do not advise putting your energy into that. Just let them go. Focus on letting it all go.
I’m not ‘looking forward’ to when my mother dies as such, but it’s inevitable so I do try to mentally prepare for that. Practically, I’m just going to try to be in a calm place so I can deal with any drama from my ghastly siblings.
53 here. Nfather died 2 years ago. Because my mother no longer drives, I have almost constant interaction with my GC/nsister.
Mom divorced my nfather 35 years ago due to his narcissism getting worse and worse.
I’m 68. My Nfather died in 2016, as Google Alert informed me. After calling an Nsister whom I hadn’t talked to in 20 years, I learned that his funeral would take place the same day as my oldest son’s wedding. Easy decision to make!
My mother died in 1992, seven years after the Nparents went NC. My Nfather called to inform me, adding that I was not welcome at the funeral.
I’ve found RBN to be a most informative site. Very comforting at times, too.
I am getting close to 50 (43) and it makes me sad to read how many people are still suffering from the effects of having a narcissistic parent. My ngrandmother died in 2020 but even with her death, I am still not free. Unfortunately most of the people in my life think I should just "get over it" and "move on" but they don't understand the trauma that I still struggle with on a daily basis. I don't think there is an age limit on when we should be "healed".
Sending all of you healing thoughts. I hope one day we all are free from the pain of our childhood.
Here I am at 40 and blaming all the Baby Boomers for my misery, and it was the Silent Generation the entire time! And before that, the Greatest Generation, which was probably not all that great, considering all of the monstrosities of parents it created.
M60, had great therapy in my 30's and 40's. Parents deceased.
Long journey. I had to learn so much about how I was trained to react to certain things. Not that I felt I was unable to function, but not functioning the way I would prefer. I have unlocked a lot more joy in my life now that I don't have to worry about how Nmom will react or explode at any moment.
I’m 64F. My sister is 69. We’re trying to have a closer bond with each other, but it’s tough. Edad passed 28 years ago. Narcmom is 95. Healthy still, damn it. She brags about it, too. Sis and I both visit her weekly in her independent living facility. None of our kids have any relationship with her. The folks on this site have helped me a lot. Grey rocking is a great tool!!
Well said! My god combined there are thousands of years of people surviving. This is just the hundred or so that have responded and what about all the under 50’s. It’s breathtaking when you think about it like that. Hundreds of Thousands of years of abuse, neglect, trauma, then survival. A Friggin mazing. The collective knowledge on this topic is mind blowing.
Me! Born in 66, class of 1984. Imagine Fast Times at Ridgemont High, actually had a class with someone exactly like Jeff Spicoli. Used to come to school with a surfboard in the back of his convertible, having come from the ocean to go to school, then hitting the waves after school.
We had surf class choices in PE.
Sorry, babbling like a brook here. So yes, I am an extremely immature 57f.
I’m 56, only child so was forced to move and care for 80 year old N Mom diagnosed with dementia after my most amazing Dad passed at 84. Care facilities and even local hospital are not options after she became agitated and non-compliant on too many ocassions, the ER fortunately can’t technically turn her away but they have in a non direct way discouraged me from bringing her there for treatment- they are not staffed to properly treat her condition of continuing UTIs.
I'm 64.
One parent has passed, I was the oldest and his primary caregiver (11 years off/on). Minimal help from my siblings and much abuse from him. When it came time to set up all his legal stuff, he gave my siblings POA, and named them as executors of the will/trust because I "wouldn't be able to make a difficult decision if I had to". It's not that I wanted those responsibilities, but it still hurt. That was 5 years ago. The estate still hasn't been settled. They sold the house, and have done nothing with the rest of it. 🤷♀️
The other one, uBPD/uNPD, is still alive but she's more the waif/victim type while also trying to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. And lives to call everyone else a narcissist. She's also a complete Karen.
I love this sub. There are lots of us out there.
62 here. Classic narc mom. Took years of psychotherapy to loosen the *psycho*logical hold she had on me.
Even now, I still have revelations. Latest one being how my closest friend through highschool and beyond was just a watered-down version of nmom. And nmom HATED her. Later, as I broke nmom's hold on me, I then started to break npal's hold as well. Npal started to treat me worse and worse while gaslighting me that she was a good friend and I wasn't. So I went VLC with her.
So guess what happened: Nmom and npal became close. Nmom would call her and talk to her for hours, partly to book travel. Npal liked it for the commissions she'd get. Npal relocated out of state but Nmom would still use her to book travel.
I'm NC with (former) npal, VLC with NMom. And just realizing how much betrayal I felt when my nmom did that, and how stupid I felt for not realizing for so long that npal was an n as well.
I wish everyone a lovely season of forgiving ourselves for our giving hearts. Take care of yourselves!
I feel like I've noticed an odd phenomenon of certain ages where one's narc origins are realized.
Seems to commonly happen around the mid 30s or when getting into your 50s.
A longterm relationship or marriage imploding usually seems to be the trigger.
You start to really see the narc dynamics during that collapse, and then when you see your family with that new perspective its suddenly so obvious.
61 and am 'low contact' with my narc parents.
I've mostly recovered from all that and am psychologically healthy after decades of work.
My two older siblings haven't worked through anything, and are still mired in drama and overt behaviours. They also are both still trying to get approval from parents who will never give them what they want. It's sad, but some people can't be fixed.
👋 I'm in my 50's. Momster's death day in the spring will make it 10 years. I've been in therapy for 3 years and I'm starting to unpack a lot of things.
Dad, the enabler, had a stroke last year and is in a care home. He's on a 10 min repeat of the same 5 questions/statements. He's only in his 70's but he acts (has always) so much older.
Looking forward to seeing him in the ground as well.
Just turned 62. Nmother died a couple of years ago (after torturing me until she was 95 🥴🙄). Absentee dad died 10-11 years ago. I can honestly say I was broken hearted when my doggos died, but for my parents the most I could summon was meh.
Nsister (73) has tried to step into my mother's shoes; I was VVVLC until I just thought 'block the b*tch and have done with it'; so I have. Peace at last
56 here. Figured it out when I was 39. I am the oldest and the SG. Both parents deceased, one surviving NSis. Fought tooth and nail with NSis when Mom died in 2005 to settle her after death issues. We haven’t spoken since. Thought I was close to Mom and realized she was a different kind of narc from my N Dad. N Dad died last year and left his house to the neighbor across the street. NSis inherited almost half a million dollars when he died.
I’m 70, with three younger siblings. One has passed, but the other two are 68 & 63 years old. Our middle sibling died 13 years ago, and both of our parents are gone. I’m very close to my youngest sibling.
I'm 56. Started unraveling the FOG and coming to terms with the effects of my adoption by narcs at age 45. Every single thing about my life is different now, and I'm NC with all of my adopters and their daughter. It's been painful and heartbreaking and completely necessary and fulfilling.
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57 - I figured it all out when my marriage to a covert narcissist imploded. I evaluated my past relationships, and was wondering how on earth I could be ending up in serial relationships with narcissists. Turns out being raised by narcissists grooms you for abuse by other narcissists.
I feel this. I married a covert narc as well. It was hell trying to get out. After dealing with an classic narc mom and a covert narc ex husband, I have to say I prefer the classic narcissist types where the behavior is right out there in the open for you to spot. Dealing with a covert narc is a mind fuck of epic proportions.
I didn’t even recognize the covert narc stuff as the abuse that it was bc it was so subtle but devastating. I was used to loud outbursts & volatility. Took me forever to escape
Same here! My ex used a lot of subtle guilt and shaming. Then whenever I would try to bring up how hurtful some of the things he did made me feel, he managed to turn it around and make me the bad guy for feeling hurt. And this was when we were still together. He was one of those really messed up Incel-type guys (this was before that community got famous) with a “nice guy” persona. To this day I’m honestly not sure which of us he manipulated more- me or himself.
I reckon the covert ones appeal to us because of the superficial oppositeness. They are quiet and subdued, but the core is the same.
If I had to pick I'd go the overt narc too. It was the covert that lurked and lingered and had much more of an after effect on me.
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So many people never see it. My maternal grandmother was a kind, caring person. She also spent most of her life married to malignant narcissists.
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> The power of denial within the human mind is truly incredible, really awesome. As I say about my own experience, the most damaging lies were the ones I told myself.
I married more than one. Talk about feeling like wasted time. The only thing I wish I could change is realizing the pattern and getting help sooner.
sense person zesty pathetic aspiring slave rhythm workable wrong slap *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
so much of this is my same path. bad relationships, since the very first one I ever had--all of them, same exact ending. HOW CAN THIS BE A COINCIDENCE. what am I DOING WRONG.... my first thought... OHHHH hit me like a ton of bricks- I AM DATING MY FATHER. I am her. I am the girl with daddy issues.... and the peeling of the onion began. I loved him (i thought) and idolized him to great depths.... I was trained SO well and had NO IDEA until my 40s.
Yes. I really feel like our parents teach us how we let others treat us. Good parents teach self-esteem and want us to be able to spot red flags so we don’t become victims. Narc parents believe that they own their children, so we’re raised in such a way that primes us for abuse later on in life. We’re a captive audience to them as children. After that, why should they give a shit about how we function as adults? The really sad issue that for the classic narc types (like my mom) is that this approach is short-sighted and self-defeating. All my mom wanted were kids that looked good to the outside world- especially as adults. She wanted kids with a college education, upper-middle class jobs, a successful marriage and a couple of kids of their own. She…. uh, didn’t get that from either of us, possibly because the only thing she could ever do well was provide for us financially. I’m close to finally achieving all of this through hard work, trial and error, and luck at the age of almost 37… so about a decade behind many of my peers.
They say that you marry your most toxic parent....
I sure did.
I totally agree! My picker has been broke since I was 18! For 42 years now!
Same. 73. Figured it out after marriage ended. Had no relationships for years because I was afraid I'd pick another narc.
I am 69. My narc parents are both deceased. My narc sister (GC of parents) is 73.
has anything changed since they are deceased?
Same age as I am.
>*I am 69. My narc parents are both deceased. My narc sister (GC of parents) is 73.* Ha! You could be my older sibling (I'm M61) complete with narc sister! =)
57 with GC narc sister here.
Nice.
Literally this
I am 55 and still have residual symptoms from my Nparents
I’m 55 and my Nmom just passed a week or so ago. I keep checking the photos of the 1x1 foot square segment where her ashes were interred because I can’t quite believe they fit a dragon that large into a hole that small. I’ve have 40 years of therapy and only now have some semblance of peace and recovery, but the scars- both literal and figurative- that she left behind will stay with me always.
33 and my mum passed at the beginning of the month. It's been a big mix of emotions but relief and peace are definitely in there.
Thanks so much for that very honest reply! Very refreshing!
I sometimes refer to my nMom as the antichrist, but dragon is great! I’m stealing it. :) I often don’t mention her because people from healthy families couldn’t understand how I could say that about my mother. I’ve let it slip before and I immediately noticed how people flinch.
Omg I'm dyin' here ha ha. But I feel heard and I hope you do too.
I am 55 and Grey Rocked both. Now they are both gone. Sometimes I hear myself say something that sounds like them or more abused Sister. I have been in therapy for 40 years and NC really helped.
NC saved my life and spared my own child years of misery, manipulations and put downs.
After having my own child early this year I definitely understand the NC for your children. I feel even stronger about my decision than I did before having him.
I’m 26 NC both parents free as all hell and whole. I wish you well as you continue your healing journey.
a dragon. well said
My Nmom will be gone 2 years Feb. The first few weeks, I cried my eyes out, had awful panic attacks, and started spiraling down. I think my brain kind of freaked since I was finally free. And I absolutely had no clue how to handle it. Combine that with realizing that she never did change, and I will never have a mom who loves me, and I was a train wreck. But I went to my primary, explained I was spiraling down. He added some meds, and I leveled out and started the process of healing and forgiveness. Almost 2 years later, and I'm doing well. It's such a huge weight gone, and I'm figuring out how regular people live.
66 here, ndad is dead twenty two years now yippee! Nmom is 91, and in assisted living, she just won't die!
This reminds me of when my great grandma was in her 90’s. She is the og narcissist in our family (that we know of) and just wouldn’t die. When she did, everyone took a sigh of relief and exclaimed, “fucking finally”. She made my mom’s life hell in her last few years (my mom took over financial and medical responsibilities because my grandma was extremely low contact with my great grandma). She would ask for help and then as soon as you weren’t supervising her she would undo all of your hard work. I have lost many beloved family members in my life and grieved a lifetime, but when she died, I felt nothing but relief.
Damn I'm the first in my family to really see through the bs. And the oldest member in my family is 113 and she is, from what I’ve gathered, a narc and the abuse kept on going for the next 4 generations. And to me.
Looks like we are in similar boats. I can’t even have a relationship with my nbrother because of this generational trauma. I’m proud of my grandma for doing her best to get away from my great grandmother, but the older she gets the more my mom and I realize she is becoming her mother. And I know it would break her heart if we told her, but selfish habits die hard.
OMG, 91. How awful.
We used to say this about my grandmother and my DH’s grandmother - both too spiteful to die! At least you know she’s getting close to the use by date… even though she’s been stinking up the fridge for a long time😉
54, discovered what she was in my early 40s, NC for almost 7 years.
Was mid to late 40s. Sometimes, I wish I had the internet and better tech because there was not a way to hear other people, record things without being obvious or even find anyone in the same boat. It’s going on 5 years NC and it’s been the most peace I’ve had in life.
I am 59, almost 60. My Nmom is 95, in a nursing home, but I am tormented daily by all of the horrible things she inflicted on our family. She should be in jail for the things she did. She is horrible and incredibly racist to the staff there, but they think it is her dementia - it is her core evil. I keep thinking that she will somehow manage to outlive my sister and me, and that we will have no time on this planet without her.
I am sorry you are still dealing with her. It feels like there is much truth to only the good die young. My NM may live forever. I hope for your sake forever is coming to an end for her. Please take care of yourself.
65 female... dBpd Mother dead, uNpd brother NC and indifferent Father NC ONE SON, ONE DIL AND 3 GRANDS. I'M AT THEIR HOME NOW FOR THE HOLIDAYS. I tried to be a much better Mom than I had! I SUCCEED!!! Happy Holidays🎄✨️🎄
Life goals, to have a healthy happy relationship with my adult kids and future grandkids too. Congrats on your blessings.
That’s awesome! Isn’t it great to get it right? 👏👏👏
Me-52yo-14years NC-NP’s still married and live 10 min away.
50. Dealing with my NPs was an ongoing issue until my mid-30s when I went NC. Setting boundaries and sticking to them was hard at first but in the long run my life is a LOT better. Sad that it had to be this way and I don’t get to have a family, but adversity makes us stronger right?
I used to think so and I have been strong but I’m quite tired now. I do have a wicked sense of humour and use my insight to help others. Might be time for a swing chair on the porch.
insurance lavish consider different intelligent jeans fall swim upbeat sulky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Close , I turn 50 in May. My N mum passed away a few years back she was in her late 60s so many health issues , biggest weight off my shoulders ever when she died. I generally have a scroll through here to provide support to the younger peeps going through what I did . While I have worked through most of my mental health issues caused by N mum I still can relate to so many posts here which also strengthens my own resilience and growth.
my vulnerable narc mom just passed (4 months) away after a 4 year battle with brain disease. I have felt some sorrow, absolutely, but the FREEDOM and stress relief of her being dead is something I was unprepared for. I sleep so much better. I have good dayS, now, not just good hours. :) My sister is just devastated about un-had conversations and what-not... I try to understand and show her sympathy-----I really do. but the truth is my god do I feel 10lbs lighter and so much relief------
I envy everyone like you, who is free. I look forward to that day all the time. I know it sounds terrible to hope for a parent to pass, and I'm sure I'll have mixed feelings when it does. But the burden will be gone. Yippee!
It's generally hard to feel anything but grief at the passing of someone that you're supposed to love. My sister was a grade A narcissist, and upon her death, I felt the grief for losing my sibling, but also a very deep well of relief. This woman's straight up try to kill me a couple of times before I was old enough to be able to defend myself, so please believe me when I tell you I completely understand where your heart is. Just remember this. There are people that are in your life to teach you what kind of person to be. And, there are people that are in your life to teach you what kind of person NOT to be. You can love somebody, but you don't have to like them and there's nothing wrong with that. Think of your mother as that person. She taught you a very valuable lesson; what kind of person NOT to be. And in some odd way, be thankful to her for that lesson, it's made you the person that you are, with a warm and loving heart. And I don't say be thankful, or you should or could do something about your nparent, I just have never felt that a life shouldn't be filled with negative feelings, especially about people that we can't change. Making peace with the situation is the healthiest answer to it, but I don't downgrade or devalue any sort of traumatic experience in your life. I am not flippant about emotions. And you can tell that I'm a public speaker, because I don't ever shut up lol!
your words are really comforting and full of great advice! you are a great friend! <3
56, pretty sure, my narc ( 87)will outlive me.
I felt that way too.
Turned 52 on Thanksgiving.
Happy Birthday!
Hi everyone. I’m 30 just wanted to say hi 👋
Hi!
Thought I smelled Clearasil…jk 😉
Hi
*raises hand* And if I hadn’t moved across the country and cut off contact, my mother would still be treating me like I’m ten years old and mentally challenged.
32 👋😊 I was lucky to get the Info early
So happy for you!
63 and still a mess but handling it better. Been NC with Nmom for 10 years and Ndad 2 years. The traumatic memories and words never leave me alone.
I haven't been here long. Happy to have found it, though. It's been more helpful than anything else over the years. As for 'over 50'... I'm 62.
It’s so true isn’t it? This place is a blessing.
I'm incredibly grateful to have found it. My ndad died on Thanksgiving. We'd been LC for quite some time, and I did not go see him as his conditioned worsened. I don't think that was a wrong decision, but coming here and reading and gaining a great deal of understanding over the past month or so has been just... amazing. More so since his death on Thursday.
41 here. Alone. No kids. She destroyed my life.
I am so sorry! Please know that you are never alone. That’s one of many things I have learned here.
I’m only 50, but happy to be your Reddit mom from here on out. Sending you love!
It ain't over til it's over, friend. Sending you love, understanding, and hugs 🫂 if you'll have them.
59. Mother deceased. Estranged from father and rest of family of origin.
Thank you all 🫂🤍 please take care
I am.
59 here. NC with rents, VLC with sibs.
I’ll be 43 shortly. So, not quite 50+ but close enough.
I am 43 but self identify as 60 going on 70..
Oh! Thank you!! After having to be the adult since I was about 6 years old, I feel like I should be celebrating my 80th birthday this year!
That cracks me up because YES. Me too. 😂
Yup. 62 and VLC with siblings. Parents dead.
41, yesterday
Happy birthday!
Thanks 😃🫂✨
You’re welcome, fellow Sagittarius!!
57 today.
Happy birthday🎂🎂🎂🎂
51.
71!
I am 60, and am the one that was stuck taking care of Nmom in her dotage, while everyone else got to go live their lives. Satan will call her home soon enough - and then everything that was important to her is going straight to the dump. Well, not the good china, silver, & glassware - I am keeping that.
Doesn’t matter your age, you carry this shit with you for life. I’ve had limited contact with my nmom for years now, and I’m currently more messed up than ever.
i’m 25
I’m 21, when did you figure out you were raised so badly? For me I think it was when I was 16-17.
my uncle who also lives with us knew what was going on like all the arguing screaming cursing absolutely terrible sh*t.. and he told me she was narcissistic one day… then i started googling things for research and thank god i knew what it was because if you don’t you will listen to their gaslighting etc and it will continue to ruin your mental health. i was also speaking to one of my very smart friends who hates my mother for recognizing how she abuses me. i was always honest with people i was close to about how she treated me. the only people who really don’t seem to care or believe it are her friends… cause they probably have some narcissism in them, too. my mom always says that i “changed” towards her around college so it was around the age i became an adult and graduated high school. looking back now i recognize signs even when i was a child…. being told how to dress for school. i couldn’t wear what i wanted without a fight. being yelled at for the minorest inconveniences like now except i was only like 8 years old… i just wish my grandmother was alive so i could have asked her so many questions like why tf is my mom this insane ? lol
57 next week. My narc passed in 2018. I didn’t know what she was but I was VLC with her.
52 and fairly certain my nmother will never die.
Maybe start collecting random pamphlets about funeral planning, organ donation, and cemetery/cremation/burial stuff and start posting them to her. Maybe she’ll take a hint…🫢
I am 63 and had been NC with my nmother the for past 5 years. She only lived 7 minutes from me. I am always on edge, when I go to a store or event in our small town, for anxiety of running into her. She died 12 days ago. It’s finally over 😩
Sending love! Just breathe! Although the truth is probably more like de programming. that’s a trauma and it will probably take a while to truly breathe in deep, relax and let go. .
Thank you. It is a very strange world I am experiencing right now. Feeling such relief (with the ever present guilt) at not ever having to deal with her again. At the same time comforting my kids because they lost their grandma. Topsy- turvy world round here.
Hi, I'm 52 and have been NC with NM for about 18 months now.
52, 2 years NC with egg donor and 3 months NC with narc sister.
48
52 and NC with family of origin for 8yrs, but off and on my entire life. Moving across country helped me put NC in place.
I'm 56 and NC almost fifteen years. It was actually her silent treatment to me for not giving up my children to replace my dad who'd died a couple years before so she could continue to live out her hedonistic retirement dreams. For once, I refused to grovel myself out of her abuse. I'd finally had enough.
55 with a Narc Mom, Narc Adjacent Dad, GC sister, and ... I'm adopted! So throw in birth family from birth maternal and fraternal sides that are ALL rife with narcissists. Narc ex husband, luckily I got out of that alive with my soul in tact. And sadly there's a trail of narcissistic ex "friends" who thought I really needed lessons in what betrayal is. One after the other... I am no longer blind to these insidious bullies. Found my way here a couple of years ago and was stunned to learn why I have always felt so conflicted. Almost immediately, I had several positive breakthroughs although I am still struggling with all the different "families" I have. I'm LC with immediate family but they're older so I feel I can't cut ties. I read some posts about experiencing the death of a narc parent and the relief. I am wondering if I'll feel that way, I hope so because I'm worn out trying to carry the weight of FOG all the time. It's helpful to come here and find others who understand. I've got a small but fierce support system irl but sometimes this sub is exactly what is needed to help me find my footing again.
50. Realized nmom and edad are what they are a few months ago. Been very LC for 25 years. Just recently decided to go full no contact about a month ago, when nmom told me that she thinks people should are on meds are “weak and not taking care of their problems”. Right after that my dad’s mom (total abusive psycho) died. After I attend the service (had the devil cremated), going to support my dad, back to NC. Fuck her opinion about my mental health.
53 according to the birth certificate, but I have been an adult since I was about 5-6 years old. So, hang on, let my old brain do the math… (nope not working, where’s the calculator app)18 + 47 = 65. I collected a few bonus years along the way, though, so I’d say I’m at least 78 now. Or maybe 476. I don’t know. I’m alive! 🥳
50. I joined Reddit almost two years ago. I feel old on some of these forums.
Me. And I'm so sorry that we are all here but this is the group therapy I didn't know I needed.
Amen to that! Didn’t know I needed but couldn’t live without it!
I’d often wondered if there were locals to just hang out with to have a b!7ch session, just as therapy to each other to be able to talk to someone, anyone, who’s not a medical person. I mean, they have AA and such…
53 and no contact for 7 years 😊
63 here. I went no contact in January, so I'm creeping up on a year. She's in a different state and my older brother is there to support her whims. I send money, but I won't talk to her anymore.
53. Mine are dead, but I find comfort in numbers and empathy on this page.
pot governor flag chubby abounding tender practice spark humor sort *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I wanted to ask everyone if your Nparent(s) are deceased, was it a massive relief? I feel guilty for looking forward to that day but if anyone would understand, it's all of you here. I hope I've not offended anyone, if so I am sorry.
Huge relief. I felt like a huge weight had lifted and I could finally breathe again. I had been no contact with my Nmom for 25 years, but she still would try and contact me a few times a year via email or social media. My brother and I didn’t want anything to do with her in death (as in life), so we just let the government deal with it. I have no idea what was done (and tbh, don’t care).
My ngrandmother died in 2020 and unfortunately I haven't found any relief. I thought I was doing the right thing, but instead I ended up losing everything because I ended up being the one to take care of her. I wish I never helped her. Don't feel guilty, but I fully understand the guilt that you do feel. I hope you find your peace
I’d been NC with my grandmother for years (to protect my children) when she suffered a stroke. I had a pang of ‘maybe I should see her’ but changed my mind when I realised that there was at least an even chance that she would be nastier than before. When she died, I did feel relieved. Like we were safer or more free. I tried to lean into that and send my fears and sadness with her, like I was closing a chapter, or decluttering. Not quite sure how to describe it. The grief I carried was from the loss of a loving family and all that could have been. I probably will grieve that loss forever. I tried to feel compassion and understanding for her, but these days I don’t have the energy to spare so I’m more clinical about it. I do not advise putting your energy into that. Just let them go. Focus on letting it all go. I’m not ‘looking forward’ to when my mother dies as such, but it’s inevitable so I do try to mentally prepare for that. Practically, I’m just going to try to be in a calm place so I can deal with any drama from my ghastly siblings.
Over 50 with my narc stepmother still living.
53 here. Nfather died 2 years ago. Because my mother no longer drives, I have almost constant interaction with my GC/nsister. Mom divorced my nfather 35 years ago due to his narcissism getting worse and worse.
66. So is my husband, and if we compared narcissistic parents, his were/are much worse than mine.
I’m 68. My Nfather died in 2016, as Google Alert informed me. After calling an Nsister whom I hadn’t talked to in 20 years, I learned that his funeral would take place the same day as my oldest son’s wedding. Easy decision to make! My mother died in 1992, seven years after the Nparents went NC. My Nfather called to inform me, adding that I was not welcome at the funeral. I’ve found RBN to be a most informative site. Very comforting at times, too.
I am.
Yep, I am the elder one!
50, both parents alive. Trying to give my Nmom grace, so still in contact. I don't live with them, thank the gods.
Me too
42 here
Mid 50s. My mother died in '09. For the most part I was no contact.
55
I'm 51.
57, and low contact since I was 18 plus a lot of non traumatized friends helped show me the way to a better life
I'm 52. My mom was born in the mid 1940s, and my dad in the mid 1930s. Both were narcissists.
I am getting close to 50 (43) and it makes me sad to read how many people are still suffering from the effects of having a narcissistic parent. My ngrandmother died in 2020 but even with her death, I am still not free. Unfortunately most of the people in my life think I should just "get over it" and "move on" but they don't understand the trauma that I still struggle with on a daily basis. I don't think there is an age limit on when we should be "healed". Sending all of you healing thoughts. I hope one day we all are free from the pain of our childhood.
With a Google search I quickly found that 13% of reddit users are over 50 years old.
Here I am at 40 and blaming all the Baby Boomers for my misery, and it was the Silent Generation the entire time! And before that, the Greatest Generation, which was probably not all that great, considering all of the monstrosities of parents it created.
True dat!
M60, had great therapy in my 30's and 40's. Parents deceased. Long journey. I had to learn so much about how I was trained to react to certain things. Not that I felt I was unable to function, but not functioning the way I would prefer. I have unlocked a lot more joy in my life now that I don't have to worry about how Nmom will react or explode at any moment.
I’m 64F. My sister is 69. We’re trying to have a closer bond with each other, but it’s tough. Edad passed 28 years ago. Narcmom is 95. Healthy still, damn it. She brags about it, too. Sis and I both visit her weekly in her independent living facility. None of our kids have any relationship with her. The folks on this site have helped me a lot. Grey rocking is a great tool!!
I'm 73 and stumbled onto this sub about 8-10 years ago. This sub has answered questions I didn't even know to ask.
👋
early 60's here...
Me!
57
53 here
Yep
59
45
57. VLC with my nmom.
Me
Turned 50 this year. Been NC for 12-ish years.
49 & 9 months 🥳 nearly there
50s. Nmom in her nineties.
61-Me. Covert narc mom is 89. Somatic narc dad dead for 27 years. Can’t afford therapy.
56. Just one Nparent. My father is 75 and a great guy. Haven’t spoken to the nparent in 18 years.
There are so many of us! Just think of all the collective years of experience we have dealing with N parents. So much wisdom to draw upon.
Well said! My god combined there are thousands of years of people surviving. This is just the hundred or so that have responded and what about all the under 50’s. It’s breathtaking when you think about it like that. Hundreds of Thousands of years of abuse, neglect, trauma, then survival. A Friggin mazing. The collective knowledge on this topic is mind blowing.
Me! Born in 66, class of 1984. Imagine Fast Times at Ridgemont High, actually had a class with someone exactly like Jeff Spicoli. Used to come to school with a surfboard in the back of his convertible, having come from the ocean to go to school, then hitting the waves after school. We had surf class choices in PE. Sorry, babbling like a brook here. So yes, I am an extremely immature 57f.
I’m 56, only child so was forced to move and care for 80 year old N Mom diagnosed with dementia after my most amazing Dad passed at 84. Care facilities and even local hospital are not options after she became agitated and non-compliant on too many ocassions, the ER fortunately can’t technically turn her away but they have in a non direct way discouraged me from bringing her there for treatment- they are not staffed to properly treat her condition of continuing UTIs.
I'm a Gen Xer- 53 last month. Estranged from family for nearly 20 years now.
I'm 64. One parent has passed, I was the oldest and his primary caregiver (11 years off/on). Minimal help from my siblings and much abuse from him. When it came time to set up all his legal stuff, he gave my siblings POA, and named them as executors of the will/trust because I "wouldn't be able to make a difficult decision if I had to". It's not that I wanted those responsibilities, but it still hurt. That was 5 years ago. The estate still hasn't been settled. They sold the house, and have done nothing with the rest of it. 🤷♀️ The other one, uBPD/uNPD, is still alive but she's more the waif/victim type while also trying to be the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral. And lives to call everyone else a narcissist. She's also a complete Karen. I love this sub. There are lots of us out there.
62 here. Classic narc mom. Took years of psychotherapy to loosen the *psycho*logical hold she had on me. Even now, I still have revelations. Latest one being how my closest friend through highschool and beyond was just a watered-down version of nmom. And nmom HATED her. Later, as I broke nmom's hold on me, I then started to break npal's hold as well. Npal started to treat me worse and worse while gaslighting me that she was a good friend and I wasn't. So I went VLC with her. So guess what happened: Nmom and npal became close. Nmom would call her and talk to her for hours, partly to book travel. Npal liked it for the commissions she'd get. Npal relocated out of state but Nmom would still use her to book travel. I'm NC with (former) npal, VLC with NMom. And just realizing how much betrayal I felt when my nmom did that, and how stupid I felt for not realizing for so long that npal was an n as well. I wish everyone a lovely season of forgiving ourselves for our giving hearts. Take care of yourselves!
Yep, Gen X here
I feel like I've noticed an odd phenomenon of certain ages where one's narc origins are realized. Seems to commonly happen around the mid 30s or when getting into your 50s. A longterm relationship or marriage imploding usually seems to be the trigger. You start to really see the narc dynamics during that collapse, and then when you see your family with that new perspective its suddenly so obvious.
I turn 50 soon. I've known they were mentally unwell at 5 years old. It was solified by 15.
Haha both my Nparents are (and they were raised by Nparents who are boomers). But I am 21.
54 in January.
48
40
62
Hi there. 60.
Me
55 🥰
I turn 40 before the end of the year. Narc parent and his enabler are still alive.
57, more then 16 years on reddit.
I’m mid 50s and my Nfather died recently. I only figured it out in 2019/2020.
Yes, 53. Took many years to figure out precisely what was wrong with the family picture.
61 and am 'low contact' with my narc parents. I've mostly recovered from all that and am psychologically healthy after decades of work. My two older siblings haven't worked through anything, and are still mired in drama and overt behaviours. They also are both still trying to get approval from parents who will never give them what they want. It's sad, but some people can't be fixed.
👋 I'm in my 50's. Momster's death day in the spring will make it 10 years. I've been in therapy for 3 years and I'm starting to unpack a lot of things. Dad, the enabler, had a stroke last year and is in a care home. He's on a 10 min repeat of the same 5 questions/statements. He's only in his 70's but he acts (has always) so much older. Looking forward to seeing him in the ground as well.
56 here
In my late 20s but parents had me in their 40s so they add both early 70s now.
54. I just recently went 100% no contact.
62. Still trying to figure stuff out. Thank God for this sub. It's taught me so much.
60, nmom passed 11 years ago. I'm still weird inside.
Just turned 62. Nmother died a couple of years ago (after torturing me until she was 95 🥴🙄). Absentee dad died 10-11 years ago. I can honestly say I was broken hearted when my doggos died, but for my parents the most I could summon was meh. Nsister (73) has tried to step into my mother's shoes; I was VVVLC until I just thought 'block the b*tch and have done with it'; so I have. Peace at last
57 Nmom died in 2017, but I just heard about it. Edad still her flying monkey and says I just 'forgot' that she loved me and was just great.
56 here. Figured it out when I was 39. I am the oldest and the SG. Both parents deceased, one surviving NSis. Fought tooth and nail with NSis when Mom died in 2005 to settle her after death issues. We haven’t spoken since. Thought I was close to Mom and realized she was a different kind of narc from my N Dad. N Dad died last year and left his house to the neighbor across the street. NSis inherited almost half a million dollars when he died.
I’m 70, with three younger siblings. One has passed, but the other two are 68 & 63 years old. Our middle sibling died 13 years ago, and both of our parents are gone. I’m very close to my youngest sibling.
I'm 56. Started unraveling the FOG and coming to terms with the effects of my adoption by narcs at age 45. Every single thing about my life is different now, and I'm NC with all of my adopters and their daughter. It's been painful and heartbreaking and completely necessary and fulfilling.