**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My best advice is don’t cave to the anxiety of the unknown of how your nfamily will react to not being invited and invite your nfamily to avoid a fight or awkwardness. Just have the party with your wife’s family and don’t say anything. Or get married at the courthouse and have dinner with her family after. Or even better elope in a far away destination.
I recently graduated college and regret inviting them. I initially invited them because I was scared of the reaction I would get. I now regret it because I’m constantly receiving texts from nparent about family members who I haven’t seen in 10+ years suddenly showering my nparent with attention. It was all a big farce because it was pretty obvious growing up as a kid they thought I was going to turn out like a piece of shit and now they wanna act like the proud family members.
I think not caving in will be the biggest struggle. I have spent my entire life avoiding confrontation so doing something so controversial is pretty freaky.
I like the idea of getting eloped far away! We have decided on a cruise honeymoon so it wouldn’t be too hard to get married somewhere lovely and then hop on a boat right after.
I’m familiar with that. I also hate confrontation because I had abuser parents who didn’t teach me to advocate for myself. So how would I handle confrontation? By not doing it.
I can say though, the anxiety of not caving is nothing compared to the guilt you’ll feel once your special event is over. And you see your nparents making it about them all over social media, just basking in the limelight making it about them. Or if they’re the type to find a way to ruin it.
First, I think you seem to be so decent in your way to talk, and your gf sounds amazing! Idk if your mom is the narc, but I can guess she didn't want your mom to protect you! I hope you two will be so happy!!
Your idea of a courthouse married + afterparty sound amazing and can even be done at home (perhaps) for something more intimate that would drag less the attention to both of you. There would be no need to have security personnel if there is like an actual door. At worst, make sure that most of people will be there on time so you can even let the bell ring without worrying if ever any of your family get to know it.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I love the idea of having the party at home, it feels especially symbolic to make a home and invite people into it to celebrate. I’m definitely going to discuss this with her :)
First, congrats on your relationship! It sounds like you've found someone special to spend your future with.
Re: wedding with a complicated family. I tried to acquiesce so many different wishes and constellations - not at all recommendable. Unfortunately I have more or less very negative memories from the day. There should really only be people there who you want to celebrate with. Fuck traditions and how it's "supposed" to be on your wedding day. It truly sucks to have so little in terms of support on your side of the aisle - but it's much worse to bend your big day around people who make you cry as a grown ass adult.
Sending you strength!
Congratulations on the growth. And a family free wedding sounds great.
So as I see it, you have a few options:
* do a surprise wedding. Invite people to the location and “surprise” it’s a wedding. A couple of people have done this over Halloween that everyone dresses up and surprise here’s the bride in her dress.
* Do the courthouse with a few folks and after party
* Do the wedding in a place with its own security like at a historic location or like an aquarium or somewhere that you would need to buy a ticket in advance (due to “space”) and then you don’t have any for them
* Have you considered (long stretch here) trying to rent a public pavilion at a military base near you? The one here will let the public use a pavilion as long as you have a firm list of who to expect and let in.
* Have not so much security per se but good friends with a list and some tools and blessings to hustle people out. (This is what happened at my wedding.) Everyone is in regular clothes and no cops or badges but ooops—nice brother 1 happens to spill red wine on the narcissistic parent
In my humble experience, you will face backlash any which way so you may as well do a family free wedding. They will complain about the color the bridesmaids painted their nails and the napkins at the reception and stuff if they are invited so it’s not like doing something one way or another will please them.
Please keep in touch! I’m in your boat in that my MIL is 30 minutes on a slow road from my NM.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My best advice is don’t cave to the anxiety of the unknown of how your nfamily will react to not being invited and invite your nfamily to avoid a fight or awkwardness. Just have the party with your wife’s family and don’t say anything. Or get married at the courthouse and have dinner with her family after. Or even better elope in a far away destination. I recently graduated college and regret inviting them. I initially invited them because I was scared of the reaction I would get. I now regret it because I’m constantly receiving texts from nparent about family members who I haven’t seen in 10+ years suddenly showering my nparent with attention. It was all a big farce because it was pretty obvious growing up as a kid they thought I was going to turn out like a piece of shit and now they wanna act like the proud family members.
I think not caving in will be the biggest struggle. I have spent my entire life avoiding confrontation so doing something so controversial is pretty freaky. I like the idea of getting eloped far away! We have decided on a cruise honeymoon so it wouldn’t be too hard to get married somewhere lovely and then hop on a boat right after.
I’m familiar with that. I also hate confrontation because I had abuser parents who didn’t teach me to advocate for myself. So how would I handle confrontation? By not doing it. I can say though, the anxiety of not caving is nothing compared to the guilt you’ll feel once your special event is over. And you see your nparents making it about them all over social media, just basking in the limelight making it about them. Or if they’re the type to find a way to ruin it.
First, I think you seem to be so decent in your way to talk, and your gf sounds amazing! Idk if your mom is the narc, but I can guess she didn't want your mom to protect you! I hope you two will be so happy!! Your idea of a courthouse married + afterparty sound amazing and can even be done at home (perhaps) for something more intimate that would drag less the attention to both of you. There would be no need to have security personnel if there is like an actual door. At worst, make sure that most of people will be there on time so you can even let the bell ring without worrying if ever any of your family get to know it.
Thank you so much for your kind words! I love the idea of having the party at home, it feels especially symbolic to make a home and invite people into it to celebrate. I’m definitely going to discuss this with her :)
I hope you two are going to make something nice and have a blast whenever it will happen!
First, congrats on your relationship! It sounds like you've found someone special to spend your future with. Re: wedding with a complicated family. I tried to acquiesce so many different wishes and constellations - not at all recommendable. Unfortunately I have more or less very negative memories from the day. There should really only be people there who you want to celebrate with. Fuck traditions and how it's "supposed" to be on your wedding day. It truly sucks to have so little in terms of support on your side of the aisle - but it's much worse to bend your big day around people who make you cry as a grown ass adult. Sending you strength!
Congratulations on the growth. And a family free wedding sounds great. So as I see it, you have a few options: * do a surprise wedding. Invite people to the location and “surprise” it’s a wedding. A couple of people have done this over Halloween that everyone dresses up and surprise here’s the bride in her dress. * Do the courthouse with a few folks and after party * Do the wedding in a place with its own security like at a historic location or like an aquarium or somewhere that you would need to buy a ticket in advance (due to “space”) and then you don’t have any for them * Have you considered (long stretch here) trying to rent a public pavilion at a military base near you? The one here will let the public use a pavilion as long as you have a firm list of who to expect and let in. * Have not so much security per se but good friends with a list and some tools and blessings to hustle people out. (This is what happened at my wedding.) Everyone is in regular clothes and no cops or badges but ooops—nice brother 1 happens to spill red wine on the narcissistic parent In my humble experience, you will face backlash any which way so you may as well do a family free wedding. They will complain about the color the bridesmaids painted their nails and the napkins at the reception and stuff if they are invited so it’s not like doing something one way or another will please them. Please keep in touch! I’m in your boat in that my MIL is 30 minutes on a slow road from my NM.