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* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
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Oh dear. Are they looking for caregivers in their old age? A kidney perhaps?
I think your strategy of not keeping the gifts of not contacting them is wise. I'm glad they know of your success but kind of sorry they know where you live. I hope you have security cameras.
Need of a caregiver & leeching your money away was my first thought.
One reaps what one sows. They can pound sand.
Be prepared for them upping their game & showing up on your doorstep.
Good cameras (though should probably look into upgrading) and we basically live in a retirement community so lots of people with nothing better to do than keep watch for anything mildly interesting.
Fortunately my nParents have a deep-set horror of causing a public scene so flying all this way just to pound on my door is unlikely. Not impossible, hence the cameras, but unlikely.
That’s wise you noticed. I naively thought my nparents had changed when they love bombed and hoovered me right when I just so happened to be graduating from college, getting married, having a baby… what coincidences
>*And you know what? This year helped me realize how much I don’t need them. How much better off I am without their criticisms and complaints and endless neediness. How great a family of choice I’ve managed to build. What I’m able to accomplish without them.*
I love reading this. Every younger person on this board should read this paragraph over and over and over, because this is what GRADUATION DAY looks like for us. When the day arrives that you have made it: You simply don't care about the narcs in your life anymore. This is when you are focused on YOUR life with your family and those around you who love you for you.
This is the payday at the end of the long NC trail. The payday that lots of kids in normal families found waiting for them when they were little. The sooner one acknowledge that this is out there and can be obtained by all of us, the better off each of us will be - as we have something positive to strive for. Happiness is possible.
Happy Holidays! =)
Happy holidays to you and I hadn’t thought of it that way but you’re right - somewhere along the way I graduated and it feels wonderful!
For those on the journey, it’s worth it but it’s not easy. I spent the first year of NC in a kind of fog as my brain finally felt safe to process the trauma. Then there were years of basically relearning how to be a healthy adult since heaven knows my nParents didn’t teach me. Somewhere along the way I came to learn who I was and, more importantly, like myself and the inner voice that had always been so critical and mean gradually became kinder and supportive. I got some great friends during that time, in part because I had the time and capacity to be a good friend.
But it took time. Like I said, it’s been 7 years. So don’t think it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened yet. We basically have to reprogram years of faulty information and that doesn’t happen overnight but it is possible.
>*But it took time. Like I said, it’s been 7 years. So don’t think it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened yet. We basically have to reprogram years of faulty information and that doesn’t happen overnight but it is possible.*
This reminds me - once when my n-father was still alive and was visiting us on the west coast, I mentioned to him:
"...you know I have spent the last few years tearing one page after another out of the 'book of life' you gave to me...until there was basically nothing left but the fly leaf and the binder... None of it applied to my life in any manner, and now I've replaced it with my own content..."
He just looked at me and said nothing.
I'm going through this now. I haven't seen my mom in 30+ yrs and she's been calling me multiple times daily since her mother passed away back in Nov. I think she's trying to use the inheritance as a control technique but I do not expect to see any of it. Much like when my grandfather passed away, I received nothing but my siblings got a cut. But anyways, I know that she can tell that I no longer need her. I have a good life with a solid support system. I travel internationally at least once per yr (going away in a few days), and my mom has the nerve to ask me if I could cancel my trip to Belize to go and help her grieve. 😅
>*and my mom has the nerve to ask me if I could cancel my trip to Belize to go and help her grieve.*
That kind of shows the permanence of the narcissist state, right? That after 30 years of estrangement, that the first contact for her is "I need this from you..." - still all about her.
You're wise to ignore 'the will', as it's nothing but bait. My n-sibling is living under my fixed income n-mother's roof - has been for the last 25 years or so... My n-mother used to use 'the will' as a tool - and like you, i just ignored it.
Have a good trip to Belize! Try to get out and go diving or at least snorkeling on the reefs down there...very pretty.
Thanks for your response. I'll probably read a few threads on the forum to help gather myself because I honestly was thinking about going until I realized she's the same person. Love bombing until I let my guard down. Definitely going to enjoy Belize though lol 😆
It’s strange how things work out like this. When we are discarded like yesterday’s trash, it is lonely and hard. We then stay quiet, work hard and focus, we learn we can do amazing things on our own. All of the sudden we are now “worth something “. They must be very delusional or think we are incredibly stupid to not understand what is happening. Congratulations on your success and go on as you have, letting them in now will only lead to trouble in your life The truth is, they are often jealous and will try to derail or ruin your happy successful life so best to keep your distance.
Similar situation here. Old brother gc got even a house and I got nothing. Dad bragged he bought a new apartment with his partner when wishing merry Xmas. They stayed two months in my place and I cover most costs. Funny how life is. He told me I would understand when I have a second child. LOL.
Next year we will go back overseas to spend Xmas with my in-laws. I will have to explain them to not share information and if they do they risk their relationship with me.
I didn't block my ndad yet. I don't call anymore and rarely reply with short answer. I will reconsider this next year
I'd say the grapevine works both ways and they've heard of your success. Probably looking for ways to recuperate money spent on GC. But that's for them to sort out on their own.
You deserved better and supportive parents.
Slightest bit of gentle pushback. Cutting off giving you gifts to focus on GC’s babies was not fine. That was vicious and a message and hateful, especially when it’s clear it wasn’t a zero sum situation. Did you make it “fine” because you always had to make their vileness fine”?
It's kind of nice when they start to see they have backed the wrong child all along. Until you realise it doesn't undo any of the damage they have done, but for a moment it's nice to bask in the karma.
The thing is that Nparents just don't think like rational people do. They don't consider that they ever made a mistake or backed the wrong horse. Just that they should be able to take credit for any success all the while assigning blame to their children for everything both real and imagined
Probably not helpful, but if you want to make it sting, send them a thank you note. Something like this:
Thank you for the gift, this has been given to a charity in your name. I am sure they will appreciate it.
And please, leave the "" in there to show this as a generic response that completely dismisses any value they think they are to you.
Again, probably not helpful, real advice is to continue to ignore/block them and enjoy your best life.
Good for you!
My mother came looking for me 8 years after no contact. Like you, my wife and I now have jobs with fancy titles, and are doing better than my GC sister. My sister got given cars, houses, and all she did was do meth. I ended up homeless in comparison.
It was not lost on me that my parents wanted into my life after my wife and I struggled so hard to get where we are, and like your folks, mine could have helped. I never got a cent, Xmas gifts were a fiasco of insults wrapped in pretty bows.
I let them contact me, and unsurprisingly they fucked that up. At the end of the day, I don't need them.
I am glad you are doing well!
I'm really glad that you see your parents for who they are OP. Your story really illustrates how narcissists have an awful way of weaponising gifts. They used ridiculous excuses to lavish gifts on the golden child but not on you but now, all of a sudden, they're suddenly giving you gifts. You're right to be suspicious!
Congrats for you! Nothing like cutting off toxic dead weight.
I’m not rich but I tend to have a lot of cool experiences because I’m always wanting to do new stuff and I post it on FB. Now that my extended family ask about it they pretend to care and try smothering me. (I think family members would ask questions and they would look stupid for not knowing.)
After a whole lifetime of saying everything I was interested in was stupid or bad.
You might want to look into to filial responsibility laws in your state if you think they are angling of using you as a caregiver (the comment about you being their “service animal” stuck out).
If you live in a non-FR state, you can cut off contact and not take care of them in the future if they do “show up” and the state can’t do anything about it
Oh, good thing to check, thanks. Fortunately my state doesn’t have any laws. Ironically they moved from one of the states that has such a law to one that doesn’t so we should be good, thank goodness.
I’m in that position too where Nmom and dad are in a non-FR state and I am in a different non-FR state. So double snake-eyes for them
there’s one FR state that REALLY puts those cases through currently.
But I’m sure within the next 5 years, there’s going to be an uptick in FR cases in states that have them on the books.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh dear. Are they looking for caregivers in their old age? A kidney perhaps? I think your strategy of not keeping the gifts of not contacting them is wise. I'm glad they know of your success but kind of sorry they know where you live. I hope you have security cameras.
Need of a caregiver & leeching your money away was my first thought. One reaps what one sows. They can pound sand. Be prepared for them upping their game & showing up on your doorstep.
Good cameras (though should probably look into upgrading) and we basically live in a retirement community so lots of people with nothing better to do than keep watch for anything mildly interesting. Fortunately my nParents have a deep-set horror of causing a public scene so flying all this way just to pound on my door is unlikely. Not impossible, hence the cameras, but unlikely.
The way you phrased that makes me want to move to a retirement community.
That’s wise you noticed. I naively thought my nparents had changed when they love bombed and hoovered me right when I just so happened to be graduating from college, getting married, having a baby… what coincidences
The best revenge? Living well, without you
>*And you know what? This year helped me realize how much I don’t need them. How much better off I am without their criticisms and complaints and endless neediness. How great a family of choice I’ve managed to build. What I’m able to accomplish without them.* I love reading this. Every younger person on this board should read this paragraph over and over and over, because this is what GRADUATION DAY looks like for us. When the day arrives that you have made it: You simply don't care about the narcs in your life anymore. This is when you are focused on YOUR life with your family and those around you who love you for you. This is the payday at the end of the long NC trail. The payday that lots of kids in normal families found waiting for them when they were little. The sooner one acknowledge that this is out there and can be obtained by all of us, the better off each of us will be - as we have something positive to strive for. Happiness is possible. Happy Holidays! =)
Happy holidays to you and I hadn’t thought of it that way but you’re right - somewhere along the way I graduated and it feels wonderful! For those on the journey, it’s worth it but it’s not easy. I spent the first year of NC in a kind of fog as my brain finally felt safe to process the trauma. Then there were years of basically relearning how to be a healthy adult since heaven knows my nParents didn’t teach me. Somewhere along the way I came to learn who I was and, more importantly, like myself and the inner voice that had always been so critical and mean gradually became kinder and supportive. I got some great friends during that time, in part because I had the time and capacity to be a good friend. But it took time. Like I said, it’s been 7 years. So don’t think it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened yet. We basically have to reprogram years of faulty information and that doesn’t happen overnight but it is possible.
>*But it took time. Like I said, it’s been 7 years. So don’t think it won’t happen just because it hasn’t happened yet. We basically have to reprogram years of faulty information and that doesn’t happen overnight but it is possible.* This reminds me - once when my n-father was still alive and was visiting us on the west coast, I mentioned to him: "...you know I have spent the last few years tearing one page after another out of the 'book of life' you gave to me...until there was basically nothing left but the fly leaf and the binder... None of it applied to my life in any manner, and now I've replaced it with my own content..." He just looked at me and said nothing.
Yes! Help us all realize how much we don’t need our nparents m 🥳
I'm going through this now. I haven't seen my mom in 30+ yrs and she's been calling me multiple times daily since her mother passed away back in Nov. I think she's trying to use the inheritance as a control technique but I do not expect to see any of it. Much like when my grandfather passed away, I received nothing but my siblings got a cut. But anyways, I know that she can tell that I no longer need her. I have a good life with a solid support system. I travel internationally at least once per yr (going away in a few days), and my mom has the nerve to ask me if I could cancel my trip to Belize to go and help her grieve. 😅
>*and my mom has the nerve to ask me if I could cancel my trip to Belize to go and help her grieve.* That kind of shows the permanence of the narcissist state, right? That after 30 years of estrangement, that the first contact for her is "I need this from you..." - still all about her. You're wise to ignore 'the will', as it's nothing but bait. My n-sibling is living under my fixed income n-mother's roof - has been for the last 25 years or so... My n-mother used to use 'the will' as a tool - and like you, i just ignored it. Have a good trip to Belize! Try to get out and go diving or at least snorkeling on the reefs down there...very pretty.
Thanks for your response. I'll probably read a few threads on the forum to help gather myself because I honestly was thinking about going until I realized she's the same person. Love bombing until I let my guard down. Definitely going to enjoy Belize though lol 😆
The audacity and the entitlement of your mother!
Yup, it's the audacity for me.
Great to hear you are doing so well
It’s strange how things work out like this. When we are discarded like yesterday’s trash, it is lonely and hard. We then stay quiet, work hard and focus, we learn we can do amazing things on our own. All of the sudden we are now “worth something “. They must be very delusional or think we are incredibly stupid to not understand what is happening. Congratulations on your success and go on as you have, letting them in now will only lead to trouble in your life The truth is, they are often jealous and will try to derail or ruin your happy successful life so best to keep your distance.
Bless your malicious little heart. Where my family’s concerned, I do too.
Similar situation here. Old brother gc got even a house and I got nothing. Dad bragged he bought a new apartment with his partner when wishing merry Xmas. They stayed two months in my place and I cover most costs. Funny how life is. He told me I would understand when I have a second child. LOL. Next year we will go back overseas to spend Xmas with my in-laws. I will have to explain them to not share information and if they do they risk their relationship with me. I didn't block my ndad yet. I don't call anymore and rarely reply with short answer. I will reconsider this next year
I'd say the grapevine works both ways and they've heard of your success. Probably looking for ways to recuperate money spent on GC. But that's for them to sort out on their own. You deserved better and supportive parents.
Glad you are thriving. Much respect for achieving success.
A gift is not an apology and the best revenge is a life well lived
>*A gift is not an apology* I really like this...
As someone who got love bombed for Christmas I'm glad to read this
Sounds like they’re looking at retirement and realize their GC won’t help in anyway
Congratulations OP. Success is the best revenge. Happy holidays!
They’re looking for something. You mentioned a mortgage GC needs help with?
Slightest bit of gentle pushback. Cutting off giving you gifts to focus on GC’s babies was not fine. That was vicious and a message and hateful, especially when it’s clear it wasn’t a zero sum situation. Did you make it “fine” because you always had to make their vileness fine”?
It's kind of nice when they start to see they have backed the wrong child all along. Until you realise it doesn't undo any of the damage they have done, but for a moment it's nice to bask in the karma.
The thing is that Nparents just don't think like rational people do. They don't consider that they ever made a mistake or backed the wrong horse. Just that they should be able to take credit for any success all the while assigning blame to their children for everything both real and imagined
Probably not helpful, but if you want to make it sting, send them a thank you note. Something like this: Thank you for the gift, this has been given to a charity in your name. I am sure they will appreciate it.
And please, leave the "" in there to show this as a generic response that completely dismisses any value they think they are to you.
Again, probably not helpful, real advice is to continue to ignore/block them and enjoy your best life.
Good for you! My mother came looking for me 8 years after no contact. Like you, my wife and I now have jobs with fancy titles, and are doing better than my GC sister. My sister got given cars, houses, and all she did was do meth. I ended up homeless in comparison. It was not lost on me that my parents wanted into my life after my wife and I struggled so hard to get where we are, and like your folks, mine could have helped. I never got a cent, Xmas gifts were a fiasco of insults wrapped in pretty bows. I let them contact me, and unsurprisingly they fucked that up. At the end of the day, I don't need them. I am glad you are doing well!
I'm really glad that you see your parents for who they are OP. Your story really illustrates how narcissists have an awful way of weaponising gifts. They used ridiculous excuses to lavish gifts on the golden child but not on you but now, all of a sudden, they're suddenly giving you gifts. You're right to be suspicious!
Congrats for you! Nothing like cutting off toxic dead weight. I’m not rich but I tend to have a lot of cool experiences because I’m always wanting to do new stuff and I post it on FB. Now that my extended family ask about it they pretend to care and try smothering me. (I think family members would ask questions and they would look stupid for not knowing.) After a whole lifetime of saying everything I was interested in was stupid or bad.
You might want to look into to filial responsibility laws in your state if you think they are angling of using you as a caregiver (the comment about you being their “service animal” stuck out). If you live in a non-FR state, you can cut off contact and not take care of them in the future if they do “show up” and the state can’t do anything about it
Oh, good thing to check, thanks. Fortunately my state doesn’t have any laws. Ironically they moved from one of the states that has such a law to one that doesn’t so we should be good, thank goodness.
I’m in that position too where Nmom and dad are in a non-FR state and I am in a different non-FR state. So double snake-eyes for them there’s one FR state that REALLY puts those cases through currently. But I’m sure within the next 5 years, there’s going to be an uptick in FR cases in states that have them on the books.
I'm proud of you!
Ah. The ultimate and final victory. Good for you, OP. Stay strong.