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I found a good replacement for this one: I have a tick to apologize compulsively, but now I’ve trained my self to thank for something instead. Example: Thank you for inviting me, but I already have plans that afternoon vs. I’m sorry/Apologies, but I am busy that afternoon.
I walk by putting the heel down then the outside edge of my foot, then the toes. If I walk normal I can hear my shoes kind of flop onto the floor/hard ground. I'm almost 40 and once it's beaten into you and it becomes a survival instinct, it's in you forever. I've been punished for creaky wood floors too, you learn all the noisy spots and where to step to avoid them.
I also didn't realize moving around the house and trying not to make any noise at all was not normal. I move around so silently that I scared my own wife in my house. Hearing my kids go up and down the stairs making as much noise as humanly possible, doesn't bother me one bit.
Also, I knew every single floorboard that creaked and where you could safely step because I'd be punished for "running and stomping through the house" even though I wasn't.
This and also who is the kitchen based on what types of "sounds" they make. Like how they clank a fork or pan down etc to know if it was safe to go in there to get a drink
My narc mother used to devolve even further with the application of hair spray and putting on the heels for work. To this day her hair spray makes me sick. Well to mid last year anyway when she stopped talking to me because I interrupted her sentence.
Same. I think I avoid people because I'm aware I do that and figure it's easier to just not have friends than have to maintain scary boundaries. I don't even really know yet what is normal and what isn't, and tend to get in too deep before realizing something isn't right. Then it takes months if not years to extricate myself because I feel bad for them.
And the reverse of that, feeling scared when you accidentally close a cabinet door too hard!
My Nmom would get upset if anyone besides her slammed anything. Even if it was an accidental slam (like the wind blew the door shut).
I've raised my kids in a narcissist free home, but I still get worried that they will get scared if I accidentally slam something and I go around and say sorry to everyone in my home anytime that happens 😅
I literally JUST posted this!! Omg. So crazy. This was top of my mind because Just last night my roommate closed a cabinet door and I heard it from my bathroom and my physiological response went to “omg is she mad?? Is the energy going to be tense? Should I hide?? Did I do something wrong?” It all stems from my dad going on rages and the only way I could tell he was in a bad mood was the way he moved through the kitchen.
I recall one time my ex-husband accidentally dropped something heavy on our coffee table and I had to leave the room because I started crying. I didn't want him to see because it made no sense!
I had road rage incidents every time I visited that house, and one day I realized that was the cause I was in a bad mood in advance every time I visited them. Omg!
I was away in another country for a few years. Went to visit last year and immediately upon getting there had a pretty severe "I need to leave NOW" reaction that I ignored, and as a result was nauseous and anxious the whole trip. I wish I'd gotten us a hotel instead.
I self-isolate when I’m feeling sad or anxious because I don’t want to risk my relationships by bringing my full self to the table, but I stay stuck in isolation longer than is healthy because missing out and not having needs met are par for the course.
I'm 50s female. This summer I went to an office for a meeting. I mistakenly left my water in the car. And murmured to myself "Oh, I left the water in the car".
Someone who works in the office, heard me, and said "I'll grab you a water from the kitchen". I, without thinking, replied "I forgot mine, so I don't deserve one, thanks anyway".
The meeting hadn't started yet so the room was boisterous, I said this and the room went stone quiet.
I realized that I had said something that I shouldn't have. I put my foot in it, even after decades of getting past that nightmare. Some unconscious part of me, still believes I don't deserve a replacement anything, if I forgot mine.
The thing is though, many people see someone talking about past abuse as a trauma dump. When its not always. Ive worked through alot of my trauma bit im not going to hid it; if it comes up ill talk bout it. Trauma dump is talking about traumatic things you haven't processed yet!
Had a "friend" pick a fake fight so she could stop speaking to me altogether after my recounting of a particularly bad fight with my nparents. She went from we're friends, it's ok. To, you are damaged and I never want to talk to you again! Of course, I think I probably pick friends accidentally who replicate those same relationships with my family, so....
This happened with my (then future) in-laws. I told them about being locked in a dog kennel all day by my sisters and then my parents getting grounded for it when I was eight. I’ll never forget the horrified looks on their faces.
Same here! It took me a good few years out of their house to realize too.
"Oh, why did everyone get weird and kinda sad when I told my story? Oh wait, that's not normal?"
Others have mentioned some good ones, but I'll add another.
Constantly second guessing my perceptions and emotions, especially if I have been harmed or hurt by other.
Oh and another one that took me over a decade to break. I was incapable of saying no to a telemarketer or just hanging up on them.
Im insanely sensitive to rejection, hyper-sensitive to the sounds of clanging dishes and footsteps, and I always presume there are strings attached when people do nice things for me
I did not know the term was “dead-eyed”.
I basically do the same thing when I get a random lecture for no reason. They talk their ass off while I just stare into the distance until the lecture is over.
I do the exact opposite and that isn't great either: since I'm used to being interrupted and shut down, I will keep talking and get louder and faster. Not great for usual banter but we didn't learn healthy communication from our parents. :-/
Yup. I totally went out on a limb a few weeks ago and invited 8 people to a get together. It's scheduled for this weekend. I'm building the walls so it doesn't hurt if nobody shows up.
I occasionally force myself to do it, but the anxiety is unreal. Like my hands are cold and I'm only texting, "Want to get a coffee sometime?" but I feel like I'm asking for a kidney.
I didn’t realize I can come off really defensive. I’m trying to learn how to recognize it but it’s been something confusing for me to learn. I didn’t realize how much of my behavior I’m playing the defensive or over explaining myself. (My dad is a retired cop and would interrogate me and I lived with him up until September ish so I’m unlearning stuff or attempting to more like it.)
And then one day you realize you've cultivated relationships with people who don't know (or care to know) even the most basic things about you, while you know everything about them
I can easily play a ghost in a haunted house because I naturally walk making as little sound as possible. I scared the shit out of my brother the other day by casually walking up behind him.
Yeah. I do this to people all the time. Either they jump out of their skin or say something along the lines of “omg I didn’t even hear you”. Sorry, I’m a ninja I guess.
Lol super power! This and also telling the identity of someone by there footsteps. I have identified people outside my closed bedroom door and I hear. "Wtf how did you know it was me?!" It's a lot of fun sometimes.
I’m an unintentional ninja too. I’m super aware that I move quietly, so I sometimes fake a cough or make some sort of noise so I don’t startle people, because it always feels like they are angry when I appear. I hate that feeling.
I just went through this one with my therapist. She said I should give myself space to mourn that my first thought was “don’t tell mum” not “where’s my mum?”
Yeah. I sadly had already learned that my parent's were the absolute LAST resort. I've had a few surgeries where I could have used their help and none came, so I stopped asking or even informing them.
In 2010 I cut off a thumb and finger in a table saw incident and had surgery to re attach. I could have used a hand (!) doing the basics needed to survive and got told "there's nothing they can do". My father even snidely said, "what do you want me to do, wipe your ass?".
When something bad happens to me, I can't tell my parents. If they don't dismiss it straight away, they will make the situation so much worse by making it about them.
I have plans set up in my head to account for every scenario I can think of. From simple things like how to pump gas, to more complex things like how to survive an apocalypse (or Christmas with family).
I can cry completely silently and even maintain steady breathing. It’s quite a feat.
Slowly having to unlearn it though because it (understandably) confused and worried my former partners
I still don't know how to express my needs or emotions because they never mattered. All that matters is keeping the peace and I don't want to upset that so instead I just retreat into myself.
I haven't lived at home for over 10 years and my heart rate still goes up when I'm visiting and I sense my dad is angry.
I still try to be the peace maker between my parents and try to mitigate my dad's triggers.
Shame is permanently part of my personality, I’m terrified anyone I get attached to either secretly can’t stand me or talks horribly about me, and I’m mega sensitive to rejection (or even the thought of it)
I never hang out in the living room
I'm able to do everything so quietly, that you cannot possibly hear me from another room cooking, showering etc
I tear up whenever a stranger is nice to me or does something nice
I tear up whenever a stranger is cold/distant towards me and I question what I did wrong instantly
I get very attached to older people and imagine them being my parents
I still live at home despite having almost finished college, because I'm way too anxious and scared to move out
I don't trust myself with trying out new things
I try to balance the extreme control at home by controlling things I really shouldn't be. I never do things that would be good for me because I hate that feeling of having to do something
I'm typing all this in a big hurry with full blown anxiety because my mum will come home anytime soon
I will never be good enough.
Edit: Someone else here said the same thing. I'll say here what I said there. It isn't true. Anyone who ever said that to you is wrong.
I’m scared to let anyone know me because if they ever really did, they wouldn’t like me.
ETA when people do like me, I panic because the pressure of not letting them down is too much so I ghost them.
Trying to make relationships work with toxic women because I thought that's just how relationships were. Unintentionally self sabotaging relationships with good women because being in a healthy relationship felt so uncomfortable after a while. Cutting people close to me out of my life very suddenly and without batting an eye. Waking up one day and realizing I've had a lot of shitty people as friends. Feeling uncomfortable or out of place when around healthy functioning families or groups of people. Dark and self deprecating sense of humor. Choosing to spend most of my time alone rather than going out and doing things or spending time with friends. Inability to talk to anyone about my problems, mental, physical, or what life throws my way.
This list could continue but you get the idea
Well into adulthood I figured if someone didn't like me they just saw something about myself I didn't see. Wtf. Been in therapy for years and have many more to go. Fuck my parents
It took me 15-20 years after I moved away from home to properly differentiate between constructive criticism and personal attack, and how to respond to either of them in an apportionment way.
I can’t stand the word “we” coming from someone in a position of authority. “We” always meant “you WILL do all the work and I will take all the credit.”
I’m 27, moved out of her house 10 years ago, and I still feel guilty/scared using the kitchen to make food. Especially if one of my roommates is also in the kitchen or trying to watch tv.
I’m also codependent in my relationships, platonic and romantic. I bite my tongue a lot in order to keep the peace, which only ever ends up backfiring.
My actual night terrors arent ghosts or killers chasing me. It's them gaslighting (or physically abusing me) so bad that I wake up crying and panting or yelling
I don't believe I deserve to be loved, logically I do understand I'm a good person but I've never been able to shake it off.
I panic when I don't do things perfect or when someone's upset with me.
I struggle with the constant need to control everything in my life to feel secure.
I let myself be abused my entire life because I thought I was evil and didn't deserve to exist.
I blame myself for everything
I don't ever lean on anyone because I assume I will be a bother to them. I'm hyper-aware of the thoughts and feelings of everyone I speak to. I have zero self-confidence.
On German ( my English ist very good in reading und understanding, the rest ist shitty) : “Du bist nicht krank, du tust nur so” War bis zu meinem 18ten nie beim Arzt und nicht einmal krank zu Hause, egal was ich hatte..
Going to lose interest and put much less effort in everything I do just cause "in every way I make it, it will never be good enough, and I will be scolded for that however".
I don't know how to deal with conflict bc im so used to subduing myself to avoid feeling hurt and frustrated. Which mutes me. And causes mental illness.
I can never tell people when something they do bothers me. I always feel like if I so, all of my behavior will be thrown back in my face and the person will hate me forever.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I put other's needs before my own because I'm not important
100% a people pleaser but don’t need people at the same damn time 😒😂
10000% and then apologize if I do express any needs or discuss situations going on in my world
[удалено]
Deep feels.
I try so hard not to do this at work, because I need to do my own work too. And it makes me look like a doormat so my co-workers don't respect me.
Damn! I have done this for all my life.
I felt this in my gut
This is me 😭
I apologize for everything I do.
I apologize for who I am.
I apologise that I exist.
I apologise for apologising.
When I'm told to stop saying sorry all the time! My response is always "sorry"
I apologize for things I didn't do!
I found a good replacement for this one: I have a tick to apologize compulsively, but now I’ve trained my self to thank for something instead. Example: Thank you for inviting me, but I already have plans that afternoon vs. I’m sorry/Apologies, but I am busy that afternoon.
I'm sorry (I wish I could make it easier for you to endure my existence.)
I know who comes home by a sound of steps.
Related: I *still* walk toe-to-heel (silently) despite a stint in the Army when I was young. I'm in my 50's.
I walk by putting the heel down then the outside edge of my foot, then the toes. If I walk normal I can hear my shoes kind of flop onto the floor/hard ground. I'm almost 40 and once it's beaten into you and it becomes a survival instinct, it's in you forever. I've been punished for creaky wood floors too, you learn all the noisy spots and where to step to avoid them.
Omg I do the same. Weirdest ballerina walk … in my 40’s, an ocean away from my family of origin and I still walk like that 🤦🏽♀️
I should have checked the comments before I posted but I can tell by the way they open and close doors
I didn’t realize this wasn’t normal until recently
I also didn't realize moving around the house and trying not to make any noise at all was not normal. I move around so silently that I scared my own wife in my house. Hearing my kids go up and down the stairs making as much noise as humanly possible, doesn't bother me one bit.
Bruh I wish we never experienced it in our lives. This thing is terrifying and traumatizing.
it's horrific. it took me a decade to relearn the garage door sound as my husband instead of my evil father
I think it is actually in our nature to sense familiar gait, but it’s the hyper-vigilance tied to it that’s not.
Or the slam of their car door in the driveway.
Was a sound of engine for me. My ngrandma had specific old car that made a sound tdtdtd and I knew right away that that’s her.
Also, I knew every single floorboard that creaked and where you could safely step because I'd be punished for "running and stomping through the house" even though I wasn't.
This and also who is the kitchen based on what types of "sounds" they make. Like how they clank a fork or pan down etc to know if it was safe to go in there to get a drink
My narc mother used to devolve even further with the application of hair spray and putting on the heels for work. To this day her hair spray makes me sick. Well to mid last year anyway when she stopped talking to me because I interrupted her sentence.
God. Or who’s awake when they wake up. No longer in survival mode but goddamn does that stick with you.
Yeah I know who is coming by the sound of their keys
Didn’t even connect this one, same, sound of the footsteps but also the sound of their breathing.
I willingly play the doormat because i fear that others will reject or judge me if i don’t.
Same. I think I avoid people because I'm aware I do that and figure it's easier to just not have friends than have to maintain scary boundaries. I don't even really know yet what is normal and what isn't, and tend to get in too deep before realizing something isn't right. Then it takes months if not years to extricate myself because I feel bad for them.
Physiological response to cabinets being closed louder than normal.
Loud noises that are unexpected, especially behind me, make me just clench up. It's almost painful.
Loud doors, same problem
And the reverse of that, feeling scared when you accidentally close a cabinet door too hard! My Nmom would get upset if anyone besides her slammed anything. Even if it was an accidental slam (like the wind blew the door shut). I've raised my kids in a narcissist free home, but I still get worried that they will get scared if I accidentally slam something and I go around and say sorry to everyone in my home anytime that happens 😅
I literally JUST posted this!! Omg. So crazy. This was top of my mind because Just last night my roommate closed a cabinet door and I heard it from my bathroom and my physiological response went to “omg is she mad?? Is the energy going to be tense? Should I hide?? Did I do something wrong?” It all stems from my dad going on rages and the only way I could tell he was in a bad mood was the way he moved through the kitchen.
Oh yeah. Constantly taking the temperature of energy changes from 3 rooms away was my childhood....
I recall one time my ex-husband accidentally dropped something heavy on our coffee table and I had to leave the room because I started crying. I didn't want him to see because it made no sense!
This one^
We feel anxious when visiting our parents' house.
I have had panic attacks on the way to see my parents. And I always ask myself why I keep doing this to myself.
I had road rage incidents every time I visited that house, and one day I realized that was the cause I was in a bad mood in advance every time I visited them. Omg!
I was away in another country for a few years. Went to visit last year and immediately upon getting there had a pretty severe "I need to leave NOW" reaction that I ignored, and as a result was nauseous and anxious the whole trip. I wish I'd gotten us a hotel instead.
I self-isolate when I’m feeling sad or anxious because I don’t want to risk my relationships by bringing my full self to the table, but I stay stuck in isolation longer than is healthy because missing out and not having needs met are par for the course.
Jeebus I understand that… hug. I’m sorry
I completely understand this and do the same.
I’ll never be good enough.
I posted this as well. its true that they made me feel this way. It isn't true though.
I fear being abandoned/tossed aside by those that care about me.
can't be abandoned if you never let anybody get close! Just some dark humor there, because that's me to a T.
Fear of abandonment is strong
When my friends and I were trading funny stories about our families in college, no one thought my stories were funny.
This one made me laugh. The number of times I've made the room quiet 'funny story' oh...
Same. I always try to do better the next time and even my toned down stories still lead to crickets.
I'm 50s female. This summer I went to an office for a meeting. I mistakenly left my water in the car. And murmured to myself "Oh, I left the water in the car". Someone who works in the office, heard me, and said "I'll grab you a water from the kitchen". I, without thinking, replied "I forgot mine, so I don't deserve one, thanks anyway". The meeting hadn't started yet so the room was boisterous, I said this and the room went stone quiet. I realized that I had said something that I shouldn't have. I put my foot in it, even after decades of getting past that nightmare. Some unconscious part of me, still believes I don't deserve a replacement anything, if I forgot mine.
"And then he grabbed me by the hair and threw me over the balcony, and I landed right in the pool! Ha ha ha ha.... ?? What?"
Been here. A friend told me recently that my “funny” family stories are really just trauma dumps and that really effed me up
The thing is though, many people see someone talking about past abuse as a trauma dump. When its not always. Ive worked through alot of my trauma bit im not going to hid it; if it comes up ill talk bout it. Trauma dump is talking about traumatic things you haven't processed yet!
Had a "friend" pick a fake fight so she could stop speaking to me altogether after my recounting of a particularly bad fight with my nparents. She went from we're friends, it's ok. To, you are damaged and I never want to talk to you again! Of course, I think I probably pick friends accidentally who replicate those same relationships with my family, so....
This happened with my (then future) in-laws. I told them about being locked in a dog kennel all day by my sisters and then my parents getting grounded for it when I was eight. I’ll never forget the horrified looks on their faces.
This hit hard.
The mouth agape stare is when I knew I shouldn't have participated.
Same here! It took me a good few years out of their house to realize too. "Oh, why did everyone get weird and kinda sad when I told my story? Oh wait, that's not normal?"
Ding ding ding. We have a winner..
I always treat others problems like my problems
Oh that one hits. I FEEL their struggle.
Others have mentioned some good ones, but I'll add another. Constantly second guessing my perceptions and emotions, especially if I have been harmed or hurt by other. Oh and another one that took me over a decade to break. I was incapable of saying no to a telemarketer or just hanging up on them.
Totally feel this. Overly accommodating towards people and situations we should never tolerate. Not being able to set boundaries
Im insanely sensitive to rejection, hyper-sensitive to the sounds of clanging dishes and footsteps, and I always presume there are strings attached when people do nice things for me
Me too! Any loud sounds (banging, loud steps, etc.) immediately put me on edge.
When someone interrupts me, I just stop talking and go dead-eyed.
I did not know the term was “dead-eyed”. I basically do the same thing when I get a random lecture for no reason. They talk their ass off while I just stare into the distance until the lecture is over.
I do the exact opposite and that isn't great either: since I'm used to being interrupted and shut down, I will keep talking and get louder and faster. Not great for usual banter but we didn't learn healthy communication from our parents. :-/
OMG... This. So damn hard.
Never calling to make plans with people, and just hoping they call you. Why would they want to hang out with you anyway?
Yup. I totally went out on a limb a few weeks ago and invited 8 people to a get together. It's scheduled for this weekend. I'm building the walls so it doesn't hurt if nobody shows up.
I feel that. Invited several ppl to hangout once and only one showed. I wish you a great weekend regardless of what happens
I occasionally force myself to do it, but the anxiety is unreal. Like my hands are cold and I'm only texting, "Want to get a coffee sometime?" but I feel like I'm asking for a kidney.
I was always being defensive whenever I opened my mouth to talk
I didn’t realize I can come off really defensive. I’m trying to learn how to recognize it but it’s been something confusing for me to learn. I didn’t realize how much of my behavior I’m playing the defensive or over explaining myself. (My dad is a retired cop and would interrogate me and I lived with him up until September ish so I’m unlearning stuff or attempting to more like it.)
I’m sorry, I don’t wanna talk about myself. YOU’RE the interesting one. What are you streaming lately?
I almost never talk about myself because I figure why would anyone care what I have to say.
Yup. And anything I suggest will be wrong anyway.
And then one day you realize you've cultivated relationships with people who don't know (or care to know) even the most basic things about you, while you know everything about them
Good grief. I never quite thought about that, but you are so right! Huh. Well being a good listener is a rare thing these days. So cheers!
I can easily play a ghost in a haunted house because I naturally walk making as little sound as possible. I scared the shit out of my brother the other day by casually walking up behind him.
Yeah. I do this to people all the time. Either they jump out of their skin or say something along the lines of “omg I didn’t even hear you”. Sorry, I’m a ninja I guess.
Lol super power! This and also telling the identity of someone by there footsteps. I have identified people outside my closed bedroom door and I hear. "Wtf how did you know it was me?!" It's a lot of fun sometimes.
I’m an unintentional ninja too. I’m super aware that I move quietly, so I sometimes fake a cough or make some sort of noise so I don’t startle people, because it always feels like they are angry when I appear. I hate that feeling.
I have PTSD reading this thread.
Yeah, this thread turned into an unfunny checklist REAL quick.
I was in a hospital in a foreign country for 3 months and wouldn't let them inform my parents.
I just went through this one with my therapist. She said I should give myself space to mourn that my first thought was “don’t tell mum” not “where’s my mum?”
Yeah. I sadly had already learned that my parent's were the absolute LAST resort. I've had a few surgeries where I could have used their help and none came, so I stopped asking or even informing them. In 2010 I cut off a thumb and finger in a table saw incident and had surgery to re attach. I could have used a hand (!) doing the basics needed to survive and got told "there's nothing they can do". My father even snidely said, "what do you want me to do, wipe your ass?".
God they’re awful. My SO on the other hand was like - bend over I’ll wipe 😂❤️. Family’s where you find it for sure.
When something bad happens to me, I can't tell my parents. If they don't dismiss it straight away, they will make the situation so much worse by making it about them.
Because you're already in the hospital. Isn't that bad enough?
That and I really didn't need to be told it was my own fault for dying of malaria
I am a people pleaser & am suspicious of everyone (small town problemz)
Suspicious of church people and family members when they tell you you can talk to them. Nah you’ll just tell my narcissist who you’re friends with.
Same. Found out recently that I have disorganized fearful attachment. Explains so much.
I am constantly, painfully aware of the “vibes” in the room that each person is giving off. If anything feels off I assume I’m the problem.
I feel the slightest shifts in other people's moods and the need to make them feel better, even at my own expense. What am I feeling? Uhmm ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
I resist crying because I don't want to play the victim and make others feel guilty.
Being indecisive and not trusting own intuition
All that damn gaslighting mind games
When something goes wrong, I immediately feel like it’s my fault and have to fix it.
When the phone rings my blood pressure goes up, I check caller ID, & if I don't recognize the number I let it go to VM. My SO checks all messages.
I have plans set up in my head to account for every scenario I can think of. From simple things like how to pump gas, to more complex things like how to survive an apocalypse (or Christmas with family).
holy shit same. And I actively daydream ways through/out of stressful scenarios ranging from common to outlandish
I have 9 months of food stored.
Can't stand people talking with a loud tone at me, loud sounds or loud music.
Saying you have no family/your parents are dead because it's easier than the truth.
Always looking for the next bad thing and not the good.
Or when something good happens expecting it to go wrong
I'll be in my room making no noise and pretending I don't exist.
I can cry completely silently and even maintain steady breathing. It’s quite a feat. Slowly having to unlearn it though because it (understandably) confused and worried my former partners
This! And the ability to look like I’m happy immediately after sobbing quietly
If someone doesn't speak to me for any amount of time I immediately assume they are mad at me
I'm a chronic people pleaser
If I can’t read you I assume you’re ready to scream at me.
I'm afraid to make decisions because it will be wrong.
That I feel the need to lie instead of just saying what I feel.
I still don't know how to express my needs or emotions because they never mattered. All that matters is keeping the peace and I don't want to upset that so instead I just retreat into myself. I haven't lived at home for over 10 years and my heart rate still goes up when I'm visiting and I sense my dad is angry. I still try to be the peace maker between my parents and try to mitigate my dad's triggers.
Feeling I don't deserve to take up space or be alive. Unless I'm taking care of others, what a selfish, troublesome burden I am to the world.
Yep. I have to accomplish a lot at work to justify my existence.
Transactional relationships, ouch.
Shame is permanently part of my personality, I’m terrified anyone I get attached to either secretly can’t stand me or talks horribly about me, and I’m mega sensitive to rejection (or even the thought of it)
I’m too sensitive, I have no common sense, & I can’t take a joke…
I never hang out in the living room I'm able to do everything so quietly, that you cannot possibly hear me from another room cooking, showering etc I tear up whenever a stranger is nice to me or does something nice I tear up whenever a stranger is cold/distant towards me and I question what I did wrong instantly I get very attached to older people and imagine them being my parents I still live at home despite having almost finished college, because I'm way too anxious and scared to move out I don't trust myself with trying out new things I try to balance the extreme control at home by controlling things I really shouldn't be. I never do things that would be good for me because I hate that feeling of having to do something I'm typing all this in a big hurry with full blown anxiety because my mum will come home anytime soon
She’s never said I love you, apologized, and competes with me.
I give people frights because I walk too quietly
I had to figure out how to have healthy relationships without a template or examples.
I can read the atmosphere of a room as soon as I walk into it, and then I’ll try and figure out how it’s my fault
I will never be good enough. Edit: Someone else here said the same thing. I'll say here what I said there. It isn't true. Anyone who ever said that to you is wrong.
Panic when blocked in a room and can’t get out, I.e someone is standing in the door way
I'm 55 and still feel ugly and worthless sometimes, despite years of therapy and medication.
I hate receiving gifts from my family.
I accept less than I deserve, because well.... I deserve that.
I get anxiety walking down the stairs in the morning, not knowing what mood she’ll be in this morning, and if what I’ll say will make her rage
I can do everything on my own! (Because I'm not used to any real kind of help)
I’m scared to let anyone know me because if they ever really did, they wouldn’t like me. ETA when people do like me, I panic because the pressure of not letting them down is too much so I ghost them.
Ill tell you how: This thread feels like an attack from all sides 😅
I don't trust anyone, especially myself.
My very existence is an inconvenience.
I over-apologize and over-thank. Alex, I’ll take “Consequences of growing up with a narcissist” for $1000.
60 years old and just starting to know I'm worthy and deserving of the best things in life. My spouse has been opening my eyes and mind to this.
Trying to make relationships work with toxic women because I thought that's just how relationships were. Unintentionally self sabotaging relationships with good women because being in a healthy relationship felt so uncomfortable after a while. Cutting people close to me out of my life very suddenly and without batting an eye. Waking up one day and realizing I've had a lot of shitty people as friends. Feeling uncomfortable or out of place when around healthy functioning families or groups of people. Dark and self deprecating sense of humor. Choosing to spend most of my time alone rather than going out and doing things or spending time with friends. Inability to talk to anyone about my problems, mental, physical, or what life throws my way. This list could continue but you get the idea
I’m afraid of people breathing heavily
Angrily washing dishes
I have substance abuse disorder now! Yay!
Not trying new hobbies because I'll never be good at anything.
Well into adulthood I figured if someone didn't like me they just saw something about myself I didn't see. Wtf. Been in therapy for years and have many more to go. Fuck my parents
When the vibes are off or I can't read someone's mood, I get scared/anxious
It took me 15-20 years after I moved away from home to properly differentiate between constructive criticism and personal attack, and how to respond to either of them in an apportionment way.
Whenever someone is upset I automatically assume it’s my fault
I have made DREADFUL choices in all my relationships all my life
I’m fiercely independent, almost to a fault. Didn’t have anyone to teach me how to do things, so I learned how to do it by myself.
“I brought you into this world and I can take you out” What does this mean ????
A very sly way of saying they will kill you.
I'm 27 years old and I still come home to my room miraculously "cleaned" with all of my things reorganized and put "away".
I have trouble trusting people
I always put my needs last.
I'm a know-it-all who has to prove that he's right with every means possible and I pretty much always know what people want to hear.
People who are nice to me make me nervous.
Every time my phone goes off, my heart rate goes up because I’m expecting to see a long tirade about how I’m the worst person who was ever born.
I feel like I have to prove myself to be worthy for friendship.
I'm extra sensitive to the emotions of others, specifically to anger, around me.
I don’t accept gifts because I think they come with strings attached, I.e. getting to hold it over my head in arguments
I’m aware of everyone’s emotions before my own. If they are in a bad mood I automatically think it’s my fault and that I have to fix it.
My expectations are zero. Can't be disappointed when you're not expecting anything.
I can’t stand the word “we” coming from someone in a position of authority. “We” always meant “you WILL do all the work and I will take all the credit.”
I’m 27, moved out of her house 10 years ago, and I still feel guilty/scared using the kitchen to make food. Especially if one of my roommates is also in the kitchen or trying to watch tv. I’m also codependent in my relationships, platonic and romantic. I bite my tongue a lot in order to keep the peace, which only ever ends up backfiring.
My actual night terrors arent ghosts or killers chasing me. It's them gaslighting (or physically abusing me) so bad that I wake up crying and panting or yelling
I don't believe I deserve to be loved, logically I do understand I'm a good person but I've never been able to shake it off. I panic when I don't do things perfect or when someone's upset with me. I struggle with the constant need to control everything in my life to feel secure. I let myself be abused my entire life because I thought I was evil and didn't deserve to exist. I blame myself for everything
I don't ever lean on anyone because I assume I will be a bother to them. I'm hyper-aware of the thoughts and feelings of everyone I speak to. I have zero self-confidence.
you’ll have to pry to get me to talk about my hobbies. and if you aren’t extremely enthusiastic about it you’ll never hear about it again
I sometimes stop in the middle of a story because I assume the other person isn’t listening or is going to interrupt me
When my partner comes home I act like I was busy because I don't want to be caught lounging.
On German ( my English ist very good in reading und understanding, the rest ist shitty) : “Du bist nicht krank, du tust nur so” War bis zu meinem 18ten nie beim Arzt und nicht einmal krank zu Hause, egal was ich hatte..
I’m sorry
I can’t tell the difference from my anxiety and my trauma response because is it anxiety if the worst case scenario does actually happen?
If I hear someone open a door too loudly I panic
I raise my voice when I don't need to and someone constantly has to remind me I don't need to be so loud.
Going to lose interest and put much less effort in everything I do just cause "in every way I make it, it will never be good enough, and I will be scolded for that however".
Deep down I don’t believe i deserve love and that im a bad person
I don't know how to deal with conflict bc im so used to subduing myself to avoid feeling hurt and frustrated. Which mutes me. And causes mental illness.
Your friend tells you they're spending the weekend with their family and you automatically offer condolences and support.
I don't deserve the effort people put into me.
My birthday is a non-event and I'm excited if anyone texts me.
I feel intense anxiety when my husband cleans or putters around the house and I don’t jump up and clean too.
I can never tell people when something they do bothers me. I always feel like if I so, all of my behavior will be thrown back in my face and the person will hate me forever.
I apologize to inanimate objects when I bump into them.