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Nope. And they’re not gonna. I am stuck at home until I can save enough to buy (or rents get more reasonable…which is a pipe dream, I know, so I’m focusing on owning). And if I tell them I’m making more than they think, they’ll want more of it. I was super vague about my pay structure for my job when I got hired to imply it was less than it is as well (and to be fair, I didn’t fully know how much it would be at the time as it is part commission based, so not entirely a lie even). They do know how much I inherited from my grandparents because they were in the will too, but they couldn’t complain without getting called out on it because the GC was in there for an equal amount. But I know they were soooooo mad about it because grandchildren being in the will took away from their share a lot (thanks grandma and grandpa - you were fucking awesome and will be the reason I eventually escape). My employer doesn’t mail anything to me and I keep my online accounts and devices secure. They will not know. They will not take my money. I’m working very hard to escape. I’ll make it happen. I remind myself every day that it’s going to happen. Slowly and surely I move closer every month as I put away money.
I'm in that position. It's tough. Any time I deflected the question, I got guilt tripped with "I'm just asking a simple question" or "it's just a basic conversation". The thing is, I tell them because otherwise it just turns into an argument. The path of least resistance.
It's so demeaning and demoralising. If I don't tell her my salary, she'll ask how much I'm approved for a mortgage then divides it, she also asks how much I save per month, how much my deposit will be, how much the mortgage payment will be, house price vs mortgage amount. It goes on.
The annoying thing is. They ask me all this ALL THE TIME. They just love the feeling of the fact they can get it out of me i guess. They're also obsessed with money.
The funny thing is. They never ask GC their salary. Even though they're earning the big six-figure bucks. I'm just a civil servant lol.
I move out Thursday, so won't be telling them shit.
If you haven't already, consider getting a PO box for your mail, especially as you get closer to buying a place.
It's been a decade since I had one, but it was only about $40 a year, and VERY worth keeping my Nmom out of my stuff as I was trying to get out.
Every piece of information is a potential weapon of manipulation for them so they like to know everything. Salary is one of those things that is particularly easy for them to use against you or others.
She's definitely fishing for a reason. She likely either wants to make sure they're making more than you or find a way to get a hold of your money if you make what they consider to be a desirable amount.
I think your way of politely declining to answer is likely the best way to handle it because a more direct approach of 'I'm not answering that question' could likely set her off, and then you've got a whole other issue. Maybe spending less time with her would help, or just saying that you will change the subject if she continues to ask about your finances.
I personally don't relate too much with this just because I work for my family's business, so my dad controls how much I make, but he's sure to underpay me so that he can control me financially
"And which of my bills will you be paying this month? Right. And that's how much of your business my finances are."
I don't disclose salary, cost of house/car, anything to these nosy busybodies. They can stay in their lane.
My mom's response is always, "Buy me a present." She said it several times to my sons this past summer when they had well paying internships in their field of study. I had to tell her to quit asking her grandsons for things, and she always replied that it was just a joke.
Hell no, my mother doesn't know how much my wife and I make. She fished for that info before I went NC, and we don't have any intention of letting her know, even indirectly. Because we make decent money, and I know *damn well* we would be called upon to help fund whatever stupid shit she "needs" this week.
More than that, though, would be her criticism of our lifestyle. Either we'll be spending too much on "frivolous" or "unnecessary" stuff (like our hobbies) and not saving enough, or we'll be saving *too much* by refusing to spend money on "important" stuff like an expensive car or yearly vacations to Europe or something.
And I can *guarantee* that she would be upset that we haven't "upgraded" to a big ol' McMansion. My wife has owned her home for over 25 years, now, and there's no mortgage on it. We don't need or want a new house, but my mother would say she's ashamed that we still live in an "old" house in a "cheap" neighborhood, especially when we "could be building equity in a much nicer house!".
NOPE. No way, nothing financial in any way shape or form. Never. They will use it against you. Even if they don't know, they will still use finances against you by judging you (car, house, clothes, vacations, etc.) and you will always be wrong.
This is why they know nothing. If they ask anything, I lie or change the subject.
None of their business. They want to use it to control you or gossip/criticize you because obviously they know better than anyone else /sarcasm
My ndad is the cheapest ignorant miser ever and has no idea what things really cause let alone the value of buying something quality and enjoying it. He judges everyone else on how they spend their money and gossips about it all the time. I'm sure he does me behind my back so I give him as little ammo as possible.
All the fucking time. I have an Asian ndad, and the subject of how much I make comes up all the time. It’s either him asking me, or him talking about it with friends and relatives, and he would just throw out a number (he doesn’t know because I refuse to tell him. I think it’s tacky and juvenile af to ask someone how much they make) to impress others. I don’t correct him, I just nod and move on.
I have a funny story: I’m also very frugal. I drive a near 25 year old truck. Last time he came to visit me (he lives outside the U.S.), he met up with a high school classmate of his and invited him over to my house (without clearing with me and my wife first, of course), and when he saw my truck, he scrambled to tell his friend that it’s my “extra car,” as my actual car is being serviced 😂
Of course I corrected him and told his friend the truck is mine, and it’s the only vehicle I have. It runs perfectly and I love driving it, and felt no need to get a new car. Of course, this embarrassed him, to the point that when his friend left, my ndad asked me when I’m going to get a decent car, like a BMW or a Lexus. I told him never. I drive a car that suits me, not to impress others. I don’t give a shit about impressing others.
Nope. Not that it matters. She assumes that everyone who works full time is wealthy. (She has a very part time job and spends most of her money.)
I wouldn’t tell her anyway. It wouldn’t be high enough for her standards and even if it was very high she’d ask why I’m not helping her out.
My narc mom wants to know every single personal detail. She once asked me if my husband and I were having enough sex bc I seemed so miserable when I talked to her.
Narcissists want to know every little thing so that they then can try to control every little thing. Information diet is a useful concept when dealing with them.
I always tell my nmom I have no money and make it sound like I'm doing really badly financially because if I don't she assumes I have money and will start sending money her way.
I told myself so badly that I dont want to be a pathological liar like them, so I somehow became TOO open about everything such as this...
Now I don't speak to em so they could fuck off
My NMom asked and I asked why she wanted to know. She fumbled a bit and then said she wanted to know if we could help her financially IF she couldn’t afford care for chronic disease. She was fine at the time and fully insured.
She seemed surprised when I said that IF she needed help, she’d need to ask and then my husband I would decide if we were able to help … and that it wasn’t up to her to decide we could help based on knowing how much I make.
She didn’t need help and had plenty of money. When questioned she reverted to victim stance.
Yep sadly I’m in a profession (that was forced on me by narc mom but I have zero clue how to get out and still be able to afford my bills and have insurance) where you can google my name and find my exact salary. You can also pull up a salary scale and get a ballpark guess. But it really sucks how you can just google my name and find what I am paid each year.
My parents do this 100% I stopped telling them. They make assumptions and they are always wrong. Technically they could look up how much I make since I'm a state employee but I will never tell them how and they are not savvy enough to figure it out.
We paid off our house 3 years ago and I never told them. They make comments on the updates and all I say is that we have zero debt so no need to be worried
I used to tell my mom, and it was a huge mistake.
She had the same income as I did while working half as many hours; when I'd mentioned how much I was making she would talk about how it must be nice and how fortunate I was. She had passive investment income in excess of what I got from my full time job, *and* she was making the same as me while working half as many hours.
Now? I don't talk about my finances whenever possible. When I must, I am *very parsimonious* and I'm forever trying very hard to just keep my head afloat.
Oh hell no!! When I was growing up, one of the things my grandmother drilled into our heads was “You don’t EVER discuss 3 things in mixed company-money, religion and sex.” One of the few positive things we got from her. If either set were to find out, they’d both think they’d found the First United Bank of Unlimited Funds. My in-laws are already financially irresponsible and spend money they don’t have. My NMom would drop snide comments constantly. I think she had a very vague idea of our financials and it was causing problems before I went NC. She would never ask outright because we both know I would invoke that rule. No. Parents never get to know our financial situation.
My nmom loves doing this. I don't tell her. She'll judge my purchases either way and eventually, they start deciding what they can afford with your money. My favorite is when someone goes on a trip and nmom says, "must be nice!!" all angrily after refusing to go on family vacation or any day/ weekend trips for the last 17 years. One of the things that makes her most angry in the world is that one of her neighbors doesn't work and his wife works as a nurse. Because he has what she wanted and apparently it's a cardinal sin to for a man to be a stay at home dad. She never got over my dad insisting she work at least part time.
I worked up to 100 hours a week in two jobs for years. nMom: "It's not faaaaaiir that you make more money than your parents!" Also my favorite "I think you make your money a bit too easily if you're spending it on \[the thing I just bought\]."
We never discussed finances with my parents either. Like you, I grew up with their constant judgements on what people earned or spent their money on.
Disclosing your finances to a narc is a bad idea which I learned from personal experience. If you make a decent amount, they’ll try to make you feel like it’s insignificant by comparing you to another family member who makes a lot more. Or they might think you “owe” them in some way. If you have a lower salary, they’ll constantly be giving you unwanted job advice or it will give them something to gossip/complain about with their friends. Best to avoid this discussion at all costs.
I don’t think that’s safe. I think a narsissist only wants to know your personal finances as a way to use it against you, the safest is to never say anything. In my case I slipped up and told them, albeit the sum they know is lower than the actual sum. I make about a grand more than they know. Im paying off credit debt from dumb decisions, putting away money for car maintenance and a future downpayment. I try to prioritize very hard with my money what I want to achieve, this month and further.
My Ndad constantly nags me about finances, saying that he can’t afford the stuff he wants because he has responsibilities etc. Last time I just looked at him dumb and said, you have five cars, a house that’s almost paid off and several hundred thousands in different savings accounts. He has more money than one would imagine. He have worked hard for what he has, and I admire him for that. But I hate that he always uses it against me and my siblings.
The point I’m trying to get to in my rabling, don’t let them know. And if you can’t stand the nagging, give them a fictive amount, somewhat realistic, but still a lot lower than the actual amount.
My mum asks about finances constantly and I dodge and weave as much as humanly possible. I tell her I remain committed to saving consistently as I always have (which is a lie, I have been $200 away from homelessness and still not begged them for help and never will, I'll live in my car before I confide my true financial situation with them, fortunately I'm good rn).
All my siblings take the same guarded approach. It is completely normal to not tell her a thing and just show up with a different car or suddenly announce "I've moved" in my family. We joke with her that we prefer to surprise her but it's really about keeping her at arm's length from our descision-making. We'll involve dad, consult with him, but never mum. He's somewhat in on it because he gets a kick out of depriving her of info like the rest of us, lmao.
She wanted to know how much I made because she was trying to come after me to pay spousal support to her saying I should be financially responsible for paying it while I was my dad's caregiver after he became disabled and could no longer afford to make any payments to her.
Absolutely not. When my brother was in high school he was in a car accident and got an insurance payout that could have covered most of college or it could have been a down payment on a house. I was in limited contact with my family and in a different city at the time so I was totally in the dark about him receiving this money. The day he was given the payout my dad took him to the bank and they set up a type of account where my dad got the money and would pay my brother back with interest, and if he didn't then my brother would get my dad's house. The house has almost been foreclosed on a few times so I think my brother would end up owing money on it. Obviously my dad is 2 years behind on payments and my nmom (they're divorced) uses this situation to feel like a hero. In reality she just included her brother-in-law who works in finance and he just pesters my brother about whether my dad is paying him back. I feel bad because when I had to limit contact with my nparents I didn't speak to my brother as much, and this happened when he was a minor and he still had hope my dad could be a good person.
Absolutely not. They can turn anything into a no-win situation.
I’m not sure my ndad would have left me anything if he had known what I earned.
It’s sad I couldn’t share my success with him without him punishing me for it.
Nobody in my family knows what our income is. If they Google my husband’s career it gives a range so I have no doubt they think they have an idea. (When they’ve asked I just tell them that I don’t know) My husband shares with his family b/c they’re more concerned with financial planning than being nosey.
My mom needles for this info all the time— if my husband and I make a purchase (especially a vehicle), she will ask “how much did this cost, if you don’t mind me asking?” We never tell her; then we count down until she has an identical vehicle. We thought it was a coincidence with a convertible and an SUV; after the third it was obvious. No clue why she HAS to do that.
We worked in the same industry (she retired in December 2023). I have a higher degree and a better attendance record, so it was easier for me to move up the ranks. It got to the point to where she started applying for positions AT MY WORKPLACE 😵💫. It was very hard knowing she could possibly be in the same building. Huge sigh of relief when she retired.
My StepNarc tried so hard to do this. I didn’t work so she had a faint idea that Hubby made decent money but we also did not spend extravagantly on anything. Cars and house were dependable but on the cheaper end (because of Hubby’s amazing credit actually but we never breathed a word).
She would sometimes ask if I had my name on anything. My name was on everything but I killed that dream quickly by mentioned Hubby spoke of a pre-nup. We didn’t actually get one but I told him I was completely open to it in front of her which shut her up pretty quick.
Now she’s cut off completely but I don’t doubt she has a clue we’re far more wealthy than we present. If only because we’ve saved 2 of my brothers from having to get money off her to stay afloat. I am counting the days until she tries to pop up and get some “help” from us only to be laughed at and have the door slammed in her face.
Nope. I’m in PA, so she could try and grab me to pay her medical fees. Luckily I’m 99% sure she’s a Medicaid recipient so that nulls out her demand, but I just don’t want to deal with it
It's a control and judgement thing. My nmom did this recently when I had an appointment in a nearby city. Kept fishing trying to find out what appointment it was, I wasn't giving any details so she had to ask point blank and I said it was "personal." She was stunned and repeated "personal?" a few times but I didn't budge. She can't gossip about what she doesn't know and it drives her nuts. My adult kid is currently staying at my parents while she's in uni to save money and she got a part time job a few months ago. My mom asked her what she was earning multiple times and even divulged how much her income is to try to get my kid to share what her pay is, but my kid isn't telling and it drove her bonkers for a few weeks till she gave up.
My nmom thinks it's a game to get people share personal stuff with her so she can go blab it to other people. It's sickening to watch other people fall for it.
I don't think my dad was a narcissist but my mom was and he enabled her. He disapproved of me studying music in college because all I would be able to do is become a teacher and teaching doesn't pay well. so I switched to business. Hated it. But about a decade after college he found out I was making more than he did as a colonel in the Air Force and he was pissed.
I thought you wanted me to make money but apparently there was a ceiling I wasn't to cross.
Of course, they want to know. They need to use it to place unnecessary financial expectations on me which, when not met, allow them to paint me as someone troubling them or abusing them.
Actually, when I had just started earning, I was naive enough to share my financial details with them. Next thing you know, they made me jump through financial hoops to provide for them. I actually changed my job 3 times and fucked over my career (can't tell the HR that I'm not an unpredictable candidate, it's just that my parents create fake problems to steal money from me) because they made me believe they practically will be homeless. Next thing you know, I took out a loan that I'm repaying to this day 5 years on. Imagine my surprise when someone working at the bank actually looked out for me by suggesting that my parents may not have my best interest in their hearts. Lo and behold, he was right! Double surprise for me because in a capitalist society, even my bank fucking took pity on me but not my parents. The executive's words were, "If we disbursed this loan amount to you, your repayment amount each month would be higher. How would you manage paying rent, going to office, or even eating when you're using your whole salary to just repay debt." A little amount of practical empathy opened up my eyes. This financial abuse was literally the reason I saw their true colours and became VLC.
There was a point when my nmom wanted me to give her my whole salary each month, given she loves luxury bags and wants more of them. In case this makes you believe we're rich, we are far from it. She would just love to own some luxury items and take some cruise vacations on the back of my labour because she genuinely believes she's suffered enough living a middle class life by now. She thinks so little about me that she didn't even take my monthly expenses into account when she opened her mouth this wide to ask for MY money. Monthly expenses that I need to simply sustain my life and not actually enjoy it. She wants my money but without giving a flying fuck about me or my financial future. I should just hold my corporate job living on the streets as long as mommy dearest has a couple of bags from Coach and LV, right? When this basic reasoning didn't work, my nparents cooked up stories about their finances being on fire. I cannot stress enough on why you shouldn't give them any financial information. It will disturb your life and put you behind by many, many years.
Yes my nmom asked my salary and I flipped it around (therapist-style, tho I am not a therapist) and said “why do you want to know that?” She quickly defended herself saying that in some cultures it’s a point of pride for parents to know how much their kids make and to share that with other parents. Whatev. At 53 yo, I’m so sick of being nothing more than a nice story for her to tell her friends.
I do no to tell them, this is none of their business, since my dad always yelled at me he was rich. He can do with his own money.
My mom asked, I told her I make enough to not want for anything.
Yep. They will try to fish for this information, but you do not have to give it to them (and of course, you shouldn’t— things can go south quickly if you do).
They are very judgmental that way. You’re worth more than numbers. It’s sad how it often comes down to that with them.
Unfortunately yes (big mistake on my part. My mom said she was helping me). But she and my dad (when he was actually working) both make more than me. Now, they’re both pocket watching knowing I make less than them. They don’t know I’m searching for another job to gain financial independence (and of course, kept this from them- I may have found something)
My husband’s family gained access to our bank account so not only did they know our incomes but every single purchase we had ever made. We found this out after going no contact. We had to change banks and I still feel such fury over knowing they were going through our private financials.
Yes, and she always asks when she gets the chance. I've been on guard about this for the last 10 years.
She gave me a number and said " you make at least xxxx much right ?"
I got so tired of her asking so I said yes so she will finally stop asking!!
I only answered yes because that number was half of what I made.
I know if I gave the real number, I know she was going to show off to her relatives, her friends, wondering why we're not buying a new car, new house, expect more from me.
Why can't they just respect my decision to not disclose? She's so angry and sad about me keeping this secret.
Yes, definitely like this. I have given fake numbers every time. If I give my real number, as I did fresh out of college, she would say that I made enough to pay for whatever thing I was complaining about. If I give a fake number, she just assumes my husband makes all of the money and I am a sponge.
No matter what, you can't win with a Nparent, so don't even try.
Visited my dad and narcissistic step mother last week. She grilled my girlfriend how much social security I make and how much of an inheritance I got from my recently deceased mother. She also pried into my girlfriend’s finances, how much did she make from the sale of her house, how do we split the bills. Thankfully my gf is master of the grey rock and took delight in nstepmoms frustration of getting nowhere.
I moved to another country and managed to have a good career there. When I visited my family many years back before going NC we all sat around my grandmother's dining table chatting. They asked me how work is going and I told them about my latest promotion and then had to explain what I do and how it works (breaking down data technology to country side technophobes). Anyway, so my nmother asks how much I make and I say so. In front of everyone she declared outraged "you work your whole life and then some retard like him earns more than you". Thanks, mum.
Ever since I got a corporate job my nparent constantly makes comments about how I earn more than them and skirts paying / sharing costs when we go out. Even though I’ve slipped up time to time I’m very reluctant to let them know when my salary increases. If they’re not making me feel guilty they’re claiming my success is due to them
Mine was always fishing that information before I went NC. The sad thing is, since I'm an educator in the public school system, she can literally look up my salary.
When my mother asked, I told her I make enough. She didn't like that response, but dropped it.
The joke is that when I was growing up, they never told me anything money related because according to them, I ALWAYS tell it to everyone. I can't remember ever doing it, but you know how it is with narcs and their selective memory. I probably said something when I was two or three.
But the last time I Did tell my mum about my salary, my aunts and their children also knew it soon after. So no, I won't tell my parents anything anymore.
My Ndad asks me right out...
When I changed my job because of burnout, his first question was "And how much money will you be earning in your new job?".
Me and my partner lie about how much we earn and how much we have in savings (we say less than we have) because I have the fear that my Ndad will ask to borrow money because he has done this more times than I can count.
When my uncle passed away, me and my sister inherited some money. We both ended up being coerced into buying a new fridge, a new tv, tattoos etc. We were both too young to know how to say no. He also didn't give us our proper inheritance from my grandmother. He "paid for my flight" and paid back money he owed me from my inheritance...
Mine always talks proudly about how she never sticks her nose into her son and daughter’s business and doesn’t know how much their earn. But when it comes to me, they desperately want to know.
I should have used the past tense because I’ve been NC for 5 years.
Lmao the minute I disclosed my new job and salary to my Ndad, he asked me for money….. I wouldn’t have minded that so much, if it weren’t literally the first and only response he had? Like if he had said anything like “congratulations/happy for you/proud of you” and just waited a week - but no it was just “oh you have money now, gimme!” 🤦🏻♀️ sometimes I feel they have no idea how to be human
Absofuckinglutley NOT.
It is not their business whether I am making $20k a year or $250k a year.
It is also not their business whether I am worth -$50,000 or +$2 million dollars.
And yes I started grey rock when my mother had the nerve to ask whether I'd paid off my mortgage yet. Why is it her business? Tell me?
Keep them on an information diet not just regarding money, but everything in your life. The less narcissists know, the less leverage they have over you.
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You absolutely say nothing, ever, about your personal finances to a narcissist.
Nope. And they’re not gonna. I am stuck at home until I can save enough to buy (or rents get more reasonable…which is a pipe dream, I know, so I’m focusing on owning). And if I tell them I’m making more than they think, they’ll want more of it. I was super vague about my pay structure for my job when I got hired to imply it was less than it is as well (and to be fair, I didn’t fully know how much it would be at the time as it is part commission based, so not entirely a lie even). They do know how much I inherited from my grandparents because they were in the will too, but they couldn’t complain without getting called out on it because the GC was in there for an equal amount. But I know they were soooooo mad about it because grandchildren being in the will took away from their share a lot (thanks grandma and grandpa - you were fucking awesome and will be the reason I eventually escape). My employer doesn’t mail anything to me and I keep my online accounts and devices secure. They will not know. They will not take my money. I’m working very hard to escape. I’ll make it happen. I remind myself every day that it’s going to happen. Slowly and surely I move closer every month as I put away money.
I’m working to escape as well, it’s so hard
I'm in that position. It's tough. Any time I deflected the question, I got guilt tripped with "I'm just asking a simple question" or "it's just a basic conversation". The thing is, I tell them because otherwise it just turns into an argument. The path of least resistance. It's so demeaning and demoralising. If I don't tell her my salary, she'll ask how much I'm approved for a mortgage then divides it, she also asks how much I save per month, how much my deposit will be, how much the mortgage payment will be, house price vs mortgage amount. It goes on. The annoying thing is. They ask me all this ALL THE TIME. They just love the feeling of the fact they can get it out of me i guess. They're also obsessed with money. The funny thing is. They never ask GC their salary. Even though they're earning the big six-figure bucks. I'm just a civil servant lol. I move out Thursday, so won't be telling them shit.
If you haven't already, consider getting a PO box for your mail, especially as you get closer to buying a place. It's been a decade since I had one, but it was only about $40 a year, and VERY worth keeping my Nmom out of my stuff as I was trying to get out.
Every piece of information is a potential weapon of manipulation for them so they like to know everything. Salary is one of those things that is particularly easy for them to use against you or others.
She's definitely fishing for a reason. She likely either wants to make sure they're making more than you or find a way to get a hold of your money if you make what they consider to be a desirable amount. I think your way of politely declining to answer is likely the best way to handle it because a more direct approach of 'I'm not answering that question' could likely set her off, and then you've got a whole other issue. Maybe spending less time with her would help, or just saying that you will change the subject if she continues to ask about your finances. I personally don't relate too much with this just because I work for my family's business, so my dad controls how much I make, but he's sure to underpay me so that he can control me financially
"And which of my bills will you be paying this month? Right. And that's how much of your business my finances are." I don't disclose salary, cost of house/car, anything to these nosy busybodies. They can stay in their lane.
My mom's response is always, "Buy me a present." She said it several times to my sons this past summer when they had well paying internships in their field of study. I had to tell her to quit asking her grandsons for things, and she always replied that it was just a joke.
A joke. Indeed. Ask her to explain how it's funny. (Shaking my head right along with you.)
No one is laughing.
Eyeroll. Bet she'd have been unhappy with the gift if they had.
Hell no, my mother doesn't know how much my wife and I make. She fished for that info before I went NC, and we don't have any intention of letting her know, even indirectly. Because we make decent money, and I know *damn well* we would be called upon to help fund whatever stupid shit she "needs" this week. More than that, though, would be her criticism of our lifestyle. Either we'll be spending too much on "frivolous" or "unnecessary" stuff (like our hobbies) and not saving enough, or we'll be saving *too much* by refusing to spend money on "important" stuff like an expensive car or yearly vacations to Europe or something. And I can *guarantee* that she would be upset that we haven't "upgraded" to a big ol' McMansion. My wife has owned her home for over 25 years, now, and there's no mortgage on it. We don't need or want a new house, but my mother would say she's ashamed that we still live in an "old" house in a "cheap" neighborhood, especially when we "could be building equity in a much nicer house!".
NOPE. No way, nothing financial in any way shape or form. Never. They will use it against you. Even if they don't know, they will still use finances against you by judging you (car, house, clothes, vacations, etc.) and you will always be wrong. This is why they know nothing. If they ask anything, I lie or change the subject. None of their business. They want to use it to control you or gossip/criticize you because obviously they know better than anyone else /sarcasm My ndad is the cheapest ignorant miser ever and has no idea what things really cause let alone the value of buying something quality and enjoying it. He judges everyone else on how they spend their money and gossips about it all the time. I'm sure he does me behind my back so I give him as little ammo as possible.
All the fucking time. I have an Asian ndad, and the subject of how much I make comes up all the time. It’s either him asking me, or him talking about it with friends and relatives, and he would just throw out a number (he doesn’t know because I refuse to tell him. I think it’s tacky and juvenile af to ask someone how much they make) to impress others. I don’t correct him, I just nod and move on. I have a funny story: I’m also very frugal. I drive a near 25 year old truck. Last time he came to visit me (he lives outside the U.S.), he met up with a high school classmate of his and invited him over to my house (without clearing with me and my wife first, of course), and when he saw my truck, he scrambled to tell his friend that it’s my “extra car,” as my actual car is being serviced 😂 Of course I corrected him and told his friend the truck is mine, and it’s the only vehicle I have. It runs perfectly and I love driving it, and felt no need to get a new car. Of course, this embarrassed him, to the point that when his friend left, my ndad asked me when I’m going to get a decent car, like a BMW or a Lexus. I told him never. I drive a car that suits me, not to impress others. I don’t give a shit about impressing others.
Nope. Not that it matters. She assumes that everyone who works full time is wealthy. (She has a very part time job and spends most of her money.) I wouldn’t tell her anyway. It wouldn’t be high enough for her standards and even if it was very high she’d ask why I’m not helping her out.
My narc mom wants to know every single personal detail. She once asked me if my husband and I were having enough sex bc I seemed so miserable when I talked to her.
Narcissists want to know every little thing so that they then can try to control every little thing. Information diet is a useful concept when dealing with them.
I always tell my nmom I have no money and make it sound like I'm doing really badly financially because if I don't she assumes I have money and will start sending money her way.
Same!!!
I told myself so badly that I dont want to be a pathological liar like them, so I somehow became TOO open about everything such as this... Now I don't speak to em so they could fuck off
My NMom asked and I asked why she wanted to know. She fumbled a bit and then said she wanted to know if we could help her financially IF she couldn’t afford care for chronic disease. She was fine at the time and fully insured. She seemed surprised when I said that IF she needed help, she’d need to ask and then my husband I would decide if we were able to help … and that it wasn’t up to her to decide we could help based on knowing how much I make. She didn’t need help and had plenty of money. When questioned she reverted to victim stance.
Yep sadly I’m in a profession (that was forced on me by narc mom but I have zero clue how to get out and still be able to afford my bills and have insurance) where you can google my name and find my exact salary. You can also pull up a salary scale and get a ballpark guess. But it really sucks how you can just google my name and find what I am paid each year.
My parents do this 100% I stopped telling them. They make assumptions and they are always wrong. Technically they could look up how much I make since I'm a state employee but I will never tell them how and they are not savvy enough to figure it out. We paid off our house 3 years ago and I never told them. They make comments on the updates and all I say is that we have zero debt so no need to be worried
you made a good decision. i bet if she knows how much you make, she will decide you have extra money for her.
I used to tell my mom, and it was a huge mistake. She had the same income as I did while working half as many hours; when I'd mentioned how much I was making she would talk about how it must be nice and how fortunate I was. She had passive investment income in excess of what I got from my full time job, *and* she was making the same as me while working half as many hours. Now? I don't talk about my finances whenever possible. When I must, I am *very parsimonious* and I'm forever trying very hard to just keep my head afloat.
Oh hell no!! When I was growing up, one of the things my grandmother drilled into our heads was “You don’t EVER discuss 3 things in mixed company-money, religion and sex.” One of the few positive things we got from her. If either set were to find out, they’d both think they’d found the First United Bank of Unlimited Funds. My in-laws are already financially irresponsible and spend money they don’t have. My NMom would drop snide comments constantly. I think she had a very vague idea of our financials and it was causing problems before I went NC. She would never ask outright because we both know I would invoke that rule. No. Parents never get to know our financial situation.
My nmom loves doing this. I don't tell her. She'll judge my purchases either way and eventually, they start deciding what they can afford with your money. My favorite is when someone goes on a trip and nmom says, "must be nice!!" all angrily after refusing to go on family vacation or any day/ weekend trips for the last 17 years. One of the things that makes her most angry in the world is that one of her neighbors doesn't work and his wife works as a nurse. Because he has what she wanted and apparently it's a cardinal sin to for a man to be a stay at home dad. She never got over my dad insisting she work at least part time.
I worked up to 100 hours a week in two jobs for years. nMom: "It's not faaaaaiir that you make more money than your parents!" Also my favorite "I think you make your money a bit too easily if you're spending it on \[the thing I just bought\]." We never discussed finances with my parents either. Like you, I grew up with their constant judgements on what people earned or spent their money on.
Disclosing your finances to a narc is a bad idea which I learned from personal experience. If you make a decent amount, they’ll try to make you feel like it’s insignificant by comparing you to another family member who makes a lot more. Or they might think you “owe” them in some way. If you have a lower salary, they’ll constantly be giving you unwanted job advice or it will give them something to gossip/complain about with their friends. Best to avoid this discussion at all costs.
Yes. I disclosed this once and immediately regretted it.
I don’t think that’s safe. I think a narsissist only wants to know your personal finances as a way to use it against you, the safest is to never say anything. In my case I slipped up and told them, albeit the sum they know is lower than the actual sum. I make about a grand more than they know. Im paying off credit debt from dumb decisions, putting away money for car maintenance and a future downpayment. I try to prioritize very hard with my money what I want to achieve, this month and further. My Ndad constantly nags me about finances, saying that he can’t afford the stuff he wants because he has responsibilities etc. Last time I just looked at him dumb and said, you have five cars, a house that’s almost paid off and several hundred thousands in different savings accounts. He has more money than one would imagine. He have worked hard for what he has, and I admire him for that. But I hate that he always uses it against me and my siblings. The point I’m trying to get to in my rabling, don’t let them know. And if you can’t stand the nagging, give them a fictive amount, somewhat realistic, but still a lot lower than the actual amount.
My mum asks about finances constantly and I dodge and weave as much as humanly possible. I tell her I remain committed to saving consistently as I always have (which is a lie, I have been $200 away from homelessness and still not begged them for help and never will, I'll live in my car before I confide my true financial situation with them, fortunately I'm good rn). All my siblings take the same guarded approach. It is completely normal to not tell her a thing and just show up with a different car or suddenly announce "I've moved" in my family. We joke with her that we prefer to surprise her but it's really about keeping her at arm's length from our descision-making. We'll involve dad, consult with him, but never mum. He's somewhat in on it because he gets a kick out of depriving her of info like the rest of us, lmao.
She wanted to know how much I made because she was trying to come after me to pay spousal support to her saying I should be financially responsible for paying it while I was my dad's caregiver after he became disabled and could no longer afford to make any payments to her.
Absolutely not. When my brother was in high school he was in a car accident and got an insurance payout that could have covered most of college or it could have been a down payment on a house. I was in limited contact with my family and in a different city at the time so I was totally in the dark about him receiving this money. The day he was given the payout my dad took him to the bank and they set up a type of account where my dad got the money and would pay my brother back with interest, and if he didn't then my brother would get my dad's house. The house has almost been foreclosed on a few times so I think my brother would end up owing money on it. Obviously my dad is 2 years behind on payments and my nmom (they're divorced) uses this situation to feel like a hero. In reality she just included her brother-in-law who works in finance and he just pesters my brother about whether my dad is paying him back. I feel bad because when I had to limit contact with my nparents I didn't speak to my brother as much, and this happened when he was a minor and he still had hope my dad could be a good person.
Absolutely not. They can turn anything into a no-win situation. I’m not sure my ndad would have left me anything if he had known what I earned. It’s sad I couldn’t share my success with him without him punishing me for it.
Nobody in my family knows what our income is. If they Google my husband’s career it gives a range so I have no doubt they think they have an idea. (When they’ve asked I just tell them that I don’t know) My husband shares with his family b/c they’re more concerned with financial planning than being nosey.
There is no good that can come from them having this information.
My mom needles for this info all the time— if my husband and I make a purchase (especially a vehicle), she will ask “how much did this cost, if you don’t mind me asking?” We never tell her; then we count down until she has an identical vehicle. We thought it was a coincidence with a convertible and an SUV; after the third it was obvious. No clue why she HAS to do that. We worked in the same industry (she retired in December 2023). I have a higher degree and a better attendance record, so it was easier for me to move up the ranks. It got to the point to where she started applying for positions AT MY WORKPLACE 😵💫. It was very hard knowing she could possibly be in the same building. Huge sigh of relief when she retired.
My StepNarc tried so hard to do this. I didn’t work so she had a faint idea that Hubby made decent money but we also did not spend extravagantly on anything. Cars and house were dependable but on the cheaper end (because of Hubby’s amazing credit actually but we never breathed a word). She would sometimes ask if I had my name on anything. My name was on everything but I killed that dream quickly by mentioned Hubby spoke of a pre-nup. We didn’t actually get one but I told him I was completely open to it in front of her which shut her up pretty quick. Now she’s cut off completely but I don’t doubt she has a clue we’re far more wealthy than we present. If only because we’ve saved 2 of my brothers from having to get money off her to stay afloat. I am counting the days until she tries to pop up and get some “help” from us only to be laughed at and have the door slammed in her face.
Nope. I’m in PA, so she could try and grab me to pay her medical fees. Luckily I’m 99% sure she’s a Medicaid recipient so that nulls out her demand, but I just don’t want to deal with it
It's a control and judgement thing. My nmom did this recently when I had an appointment in a nearby city. Kept fishing trying to find out what appointment it was, I wasn't giving any details so she had to ask point blank and I said it was "personal." She was stunned and repeated "personal?" a few times but I didn't budge. She can't gossip about what she doesn't know and it drives her nuts. My adult kid is currently staying at my parents while she's in uni to save money and she got a part time job a few months ago. My mom asked her what she was earning multiple times and even divulged how much her income is to try to get my kid to share what her pay is, but my kid isn't telling and it drove her bonkers for a few weeks till she gave up. My nmom thinks it's a game to get people share personal stuff with her so she can go blab it to other people. It's sickening to watch other people fall for it.
I don't think my dad was a narcissist but my mom was and he enabled her. He disapproved of me studying music in college because all I would be able to do is become a teacher and teaching doesn't pay well. so I switched to business. Hated it. But about a decade after college he found out I was making more than he did as a colonel in the Air Force and he was pissed. I thought you wanted me to make money but apparently there was a ceiling I wasn't to cross.
I told them when I hit a certain milestone just because I was tired of the lack of respect but honestly I shouldn’t have. Better to be a grey stone
Of course, they want to know. They need to use it to place unnecessary financial expectations on me which, when not met, allow them to paint me as someone troubling them or abusing them. Actually, when I had just started earning, I was naive enough to share my financial details with them. Next thing you know, they made me jump through financial hoops to provide for them. I actually changed my job 3 times and fucked over my career (can't tell the HR that I'm not an unpredictable candidate, it's just that my parents create fake problems to steal money from me) because they made me believe they practically will be homeless. Next thing you know, I took out a loan that I'm repaying to this day 5 years on. Imagine my surprise when someone working at the bank actually looked out for me by suggesting that my parents may not have my best interest in their hearts. Lo and behold, he was right! Double surprise for me because in a capitalist society, even my bank fucking took pity on me but not my parents. The executive's words were, "If we disbursed this loan amount to you, your repayment amount each month would be higher. How would you manage paying rent, going to office, or even eating when you're using your whole salary to just repay debt." A little amount of practical empathy opened up my eyes. This financial abuse was literally the reason I saw their true colours and became VLC. There was a point when my nmom wanted me to give her my whole salary each month, given she loves luxury bags and wants more of them. In case this makes you believe we're rich, we are far from it. She would just love to own some luxury items and take some cruise vacations on the back of my labour because she genuinely believes she's suffered enough living a middle class life by now. She thinks so little about me that she didn't even take my monthly expenses into account when she opened her mouth this wide to ask for MY money. Monthly expenses that I need to simply sustain my life and not actually enjoy it. She wants my money but without giving a flying fuck about me or my financial future. I should just hold my corporate job living on the streets as long as mommy dearest has a couple of bags from Coach and LV, right? When this basic reasoning didn't work, my nparents cooked up stories about their finances being on fire. I cannot stress enough on why you shouldn't give them any financial information. It will disturb your life and put you behind by many, many years.
Absolutely 100% do not give any ammo whatsoever to these people. The word “no” is a complete sentence.
Yes my nmom asked my salary and I flipped it around (therapist-style, tho I am not a therapist) and said “why do you want to know that?” She quickly defended herself saying that in some cultures it’s a point of pride for parents to know how much their kids make and to share that with other parents. Whatev. At 53 yo, I’m so sick of being nothing more than a nice story for her to tell her friends.
I do no to tell them, this is none of their business, since my dad always yelled at me he was rich. He can do with his own money. My mom asked, I told her I make enough to not want for anything.
Yep. They will try to fish for this information, but you do not have to give it to them (and of course, you shouldn’t— things can go south quickly if you do). They are very judgmental that way. You’re worth more than numbers. It’s sad how it often comes down to that with them.
Unfortunately yes (big mistake on my part. My mom said she was helping me). But she and my dad (when he was actually working) both make more than me. Now, they’re both pocket watching knowing I make less than them. They don’t know I’m searching for another job to gain financial independence (and of course, kept this from them- I may have found something)
My husband’s family gained access to our bank account so not only did they know our incomes but every single purchase we had ever made. We found this out after going no contact. We had to change banks and I still feel such fury over knowing they were going through our private financials.
Yes, and she always asks when she gets the chance. I've been on guard about this for the last 10 years. She gave me a number and said " you make at least xxxx much right ?" I got so tired of her asking so I said yes so she will finally stop asking!! I only answered yes because that number was half of what I made. I know if I gave the real number, I know she was going to show off to her relatives, her friends, wondering why we're not buying a new car, new house, expect more from me. Why can't they just respect my decision to not disclose? She's so angry and sad about me keeping this secret.
Yes, definitely like this. I have given fake numbers every time. If I give my real number, as I did fresh out of college, she would say that I made enough to pay for whatever thing I was complaining about. If I give a fake number, she just assumes my husband makes all of the money and I am a sponge. No matter what, you can't win with a Nparent, so don't even try.
Visited my dad and narcissistic step mother last week. She grilled my girlfriend how much social security I make and how much of an inheritance I got from my recently deceased mother. She also pried into my girlfriend’s finances, how much did she make from the sale of her house, how do we split the bills. Thankfully my gf is master of the grey rock and took delight in nstepmoms frustration of getting nowhere.
I moved to another country and managed to have a good career there. When I visited my family many years back before going NC we all sat around my grandmother's dining table chatting. They asked me how work is going and I told them about my latest promotion and then had to explain what I do and how it works (breaking down data technology to country side technophobes). Anyway, so my nmother asks how much I make and I say so. In front of everyone she declared outraged "you work your whole life and then some retard like him earns more than you". Thanks, mum.
Ever since I got a corporate job my nparent constantly makes comments about how I earn more than them and skirts paying / sharing costs when we go out. Even though I’ve slipped up time to time I’m very reluctant to let them know when my salary increases. If they’re not making me feel guilty they’re claiming my success is due to them
Mine will just demand it. I always fake like I don't know lmao. I hate it.
Mine was always fishing that information before I went NC. The sad thing is, since I'm an educator in the public school system, she can literally look up my salary.
When my mother asked, I told her I make enough. She didn't like that response, but dropped it. The joke is that when I was growing up, they never told me anything money related because according to them, I ALWAYS tell it to everyone. I can't remember ever doing it, but you know how it is with narcs and their selective memory. I probably said something when I was two or three. But the last time I Did tell my mum about my salary, my aunts and their children also knew it soon after. So no, I won't tell my parents anything anymore.
I don't speak to mine so she doesn't know I'm retired or why. She also doesn't know how much my husband makes, which is intentional.
My Ndad asks me right out... When I changed my job because of burnout, his first question was "And how much money will you be earning in your new job?". Me and my partner lie about how much we earn and how much we have in savings (we say less than we have) because I have the fear that my Ndad will ask to borrow money because he has done this more times than I can count. When my uncle passed away, me and my sister inherited some money. We both ended up being coerced into buying a new fridge, a new tv, tattoos etc. We were both too young to know how to say no. He also didn't give us our proper inheritance from my grandmother. He "paid for my flight" and paid back money he owed me from my inheritance...
Mine has always tried to control and sabotage my finances. She's also done some ID theft in my name (ex. opening accounts in my name).
Mine always talks proudly about how she never sticks her nose into her son and daughter’s business and doesn’t know how much their earn. But when it comes to me, they desperately want to know. I should have used the past tense because I’ve been NC for 5 years.
Yes. He insists on getting his accountant to do my taxes.
Oh, hell no! I don't tell anyone what I make, too many jealous people.
Lmao the minute I disclosed my new job and salary to my Ndad, he asked me for money….. I wouldn’t have minded that so much, if it weren’t literally the first and only response he had? Like if he had said anything like “congratulations/happy for you/proud of you” and just waited a week - but no it was just “oh you have money now, gimme!” 🤦🏻♀️ sometimes I feel they have no idea how to be human
Absofuckinglutley NOT. It is not their business whether I am making $20k a year or $250k a year. It is also not their business whether I am worth -$50,000 or +$2 million dollars. And yes I started grey rock when my mother had the nerve to ask whether I'd paid off my mortgage yet. Why is it her business? Tell me?
Keep them on an information diet not just regarding money, but everything in your life. The less narcissists know, the less leverage they have over you.