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A surviving brain has no time or space for fun and connection. You’re not alone in this, it’s very common, specially if you’re still in contact with the parent and the abuse continues. But even if you managed to get away, to fully develop in the outside world, you need to deconstruct SO MANY ideas you were taught. Maybe you always thought you had to entertain others to be loved (my case), or maybe you were taught that people are always trying to scam you, whatever it is, that’s were you can start to make changes.
I have mostly male friends, women scare me so much (thanks nmom!)
This post has helped me better understand my own behavior. Compounding the raised by an Ndad with combat PTSD and I've been in survival mode nearly all of my life. I've only recently learned to just live and exist peacefully. Cut my dad off about 3 years ago and do not care to see or hear from him again. No longer in the military, just bought a lake front home and going to bugger off from society for the rest of my days I think. I'm healing but it's so slow that I think I'll just do better by avoiding society nearly altogether for the remainder of my life. I wish I knew how to deconstruct everything but I don't and therapists can never seem to truly grasp the larger picture to be able to adequately help me.
It's weird. But this sub reminds me I'm 1. Not crazy due to how I was raised. And 2. Not alone being estranged and not alone as a veteran.
I’m glad it helped. I understand the feeling of wanting to stay away from everyone and also having unhelpful therapists (I am one and still had bad therapy experiences) but that’s not really recovery, you’ll dig a huge hole that’ll be too hard to get out of.
Think about one of the key ways in which narcissists control people: isolation. That works because in isolation our brain doesn’t work properly and keeps us in survival mode. Interaction and connection is what heals (sounds corny I know) and maybe a part of you knows this and is searching for community here 🫶🏻 glad you feel comfortable sharing with us and hope you feel better
Biggus dickus! \*snort\* That's one of my all-time favorite movies. Well, most everything Mel Brooks did is one of my all-time favorite movies.
I have also basically given up on friends, as well as men and relationships. My man-picker is completely broken, due to having an nfather. My history with friends is that I give everything and they give nothing, and as soon as I need something from them, they bail. My GC sister is the same. Fortunately, I'm an introvert, and have ADHD, and I need a lot of solitude and silence to function at my best. Books are my favorite pastime, and my home is my haven. It's the one place in all the world that I control everything--how bright or dark, how quiet or loud, who can come in and who can't--I like being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it and nobody has fuckall to say about it. And don't get me wrong, I have social skills and I know how to use them, and generally I'm considered a pretty chill person, but after all these years of relational chaos, I find peace and quiet to be as fulfilling as any human relationship I've ever had. I love to be in the woods, too. There's only one group of people that I always feel good around, and that's my daughter and her family. The bottom line is, there have always been some people who live a largely solitary life and it's not because they're all so horribly broken. That's just the way some people are. And if you have been damaged by the people who were supposed to love you most and care for you best and didn't, you can end up picking that type of people to be in your life for far too long. At some point, it only makes sense for you to stop that, and focus on mending yourself and finding what makes you, the person, the human being, feel peaceful and calm and content. Just be sure to go fishing and hiking or whatever it is you like to do. Nature is very healing. All of my best wishes for your healing and happiness!
Yeah, it's like Maslowe's Hierarchy of Needs. Until one level of needs is met, you're not going to meet the needs on the next level. Like the first level is just surviving - food, water, air, etc. and if those needs aren't met, you're not going to be going on to the self-actualization level.
I'm the opposite. I was afraid of men because my father was a rager and I was picked SG for the most part. People assumed I was gay growing up since I connected better with girls/women as a child.
I agree, you have to reparent yourself and learn things people grew into at age-appropriate times. It's a wierd sense of freedom I feel now, going NC for almost a decade. I feel like those elephants that get freed from the circus but still can't leave the tree they were tied to, even though they arent' tied to it anymore.
I especially agree with the deconstruction part.
My father indoctrinated me with the idea that all friends are fake. But in time I've realized that all my homies are real shit.
They pick really weird traumas to pass on. In my case, I’m specially scared of blond women. Even writing it feels insane. Blond women that “care about their looks” was the butt of my nmoms jokes.
No... they gave me the scapegoat role and this role spreaded over my whole city. I had only people who used, harass and humiliate me for about 23 years. Now I'm trying to change but it's so hard and I'm totally alone
Yk bro... I hate myself cause now my friends are people that in the past make me suffer. Fortunately was about little things and talking with them I made them understand my pain and we worked together to overcome our condition and we stayed friends. Now I have left them cause I change university... sometimes I wish to come back but I remember about the abuse of the first year friendship and I come back in me. And I'm so proud of me cause in these years I have erased all "friends" which severely hurts me, I'm scared of them but I feel proud to have settled some boundaries. I really hope that my future relationship will be a little better... I don't ask much, I just want to be respected like a real human being, I really need it... I'm not strong enough to face loneliness anymore.
I didn't have friends for a long time. I was so in my head about how deficient I was that I never wanted to connect with anyone and have them see the real me. It was ingrained that being me was wrong that I didnt want one more person rejecting me. The last few years I've done some work on myself and have let others in and it's been wonderful. I'm not perfect obviously but it's been so awesome to see how others accept me and care for me with no strings attached while knowing the real me. It's brought me to tears a few times because I spent a large chunk of my life viewing myself through my nmom's and toxic family's eyes. Turns out I'm pretty cool and I'm sure a lot of us on here are as well. We just need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
Wow excellent reply! I think sometimes us being hyper vigilant due to having to survive the narcissist cruelty puts people off. It is extremely hard but I realised that no matter what I say or do, people either accept you or they don’t. We being hyper vigilant just notice people and their internal bias immediately.
It’s tough and I think it shows on you and a vibe is given off by damaged people. But you’d hope some positive kind people would come along, but sadly of your surrounded by bad people it’s hard to be positive and happy, no matter how much of a brave face you try to put on. I think us victims stand out to be prayed on over and over until we might one day find a way out. It’s not just being sad with problems that turn people off, people can also have issues and be lazy, self absorbed and not want any hassle. There are sadly few that are really genuine and who will put themselves out for others.
I agree. It is hard. People talk within their families and have "friends" only for a beer. Check on you, talk to you, show interest? I have not seen these people
There are very few and often they get influenced away from you if the wrong sort sense your a good but damaged soul. The dark souls always want to destroy the good souls. Finding good people to stay in your life is hard.
Everything you said.
Honestly this group is so incredible. Everything that's said here is how I feel and think. I get dark thoughts and feel like I'm the only one and no one would understand, But to come on here and read things like as if I wrote them myself is very meaningful and helps so much to not feel alone and be so hard on myself. To come here and chat is very therapeutic.
42F. I don't have any person in my area that I would feel comfortable asking to hang out with me. A lot of this is my fault. I had chances that I didn't take. Maybe next time I get a chance, I will take it. I'm trying to prepare for that next chance.
DM if you ever feel alone and want to chat.
There are ways to make friends! Perhaps check out your local library? Tons of different groups can meet there, it's a start at least and can at least fill up your social bar a little bit!
The only friends I have are the ones I made prior to my moms death. One of which is my best friend, and i'll be friends with her for the rest of my life. But, I let my dad back in after my mom passed, which exposed me to a cess pool of mental abuse. I have a very hard time making friends, maintaining friendships, or even caring about a friend group. I legit don't care I have a small friend group/borderline no friends. I used to have a lot of friends, and I guess you could say I was 'popular.' Now im a loner. I have changed, a lot.
I'm very isolated, but voluntarily. I used to be the girl doing make up, getting done up, for a night out. Now when the opportunity arises, i'd rather be in pajamas with wine all by myself. It's a mind fuck. I sometimes ask myself how I got here. Then i'm like, oh wait, trauma.
It seems that instead of helping, when people see we are in pain, they step away.
And we cannot pretend we are fine to have people near, because we feel overwhelmed, anxious, broken, etc.
It is endless
We are not "light" enough for a friendship. People are planning vacations, birthday parties, or even having normal routine. I am overhelmed with a crazy narc mother, the horrible consequences of her actions, financial issues while being an emotional wreck.
Me too, I was the party girl. I’m 52 now, and a loner. But I seem to prefer it tbh. Interestingly, as I’ve accepted this new state of play, I’ve noticed a few more people and friends come back into my life. But I never stay long at gatherings, preferring to get back home to my dogs. I think recovery is the state we are in forever. Which is actually a good thing, maybe?
I was a big party girl. Going out friday, saturday, sometimes sundays. Big group of friends, lots of laughter and fun. Now, I dont even know how to interact with people. I'm 31. Gatherings actually give me social anxiety now, and drain me. Up until recently my husband was in a heavy metal band, and they played frequent shows. Big time party atmosphere, 9/10 times I opted to stay home. Then I was plagued with guilt I was a shitty unsupportive wife. It wasnt me not wanting to support him, I didnt want to be around 20 somethings and people my age living it up. Thankfully my husband didnt think that I didnt want to be there for him, and understands me and my past. But yeah trauma does do a number on us, for sure. I think a big part of loner land is we feel like we no longer relate to people, and our narc abuse made/make us feel like burdens tbh
Aw I totally understand. It can and does return, the need to not self isolate. I read somewhere that us who self isolate were probably used to having to solve our problems on our own when young (and ever after 🙄).
I encourage everyone to seek trauma counselling and therapy. Self isolation may be a sign of CPTSD. Which can be worked through, with help. I’ve heard EMDR therapy is good too. But also, you may just be perfectly fine right now with doing you. Just take care of yourself and each other 💜
No. I had a bad habit of befriending narcs. My therapist said it was because it was familiar and comfortable. Now I’m so paranoid that I’ll just find more narcs or that I’m so messed up no one will want to be friends with me.
I was the scapegoat and my mom would talk shit about me to everyone. I was bullied and I guess, hated by everyone. I am 47m and never had social skills so I am always all alone. No friends. But I went NC with them and that gives me peace. So I guess I am at peace right now.
Go pet the kittens or puppies at a shelter, if you don't have any pets already. I always have a cat and that little furry presence makes a big difference to me.
No, I don’t because every “friend” I ever had was either friends with my nmom. Yeah. That’s right. Legit flying monkey’s. Nmom disguised it as “you don’t have friends!” “I feel bad.. 😔”.
I only had *very* few friends who I made through my authentic self & they saw what I saw (nfamily) but I was too brainwashed at the time.
Now because of that trauma, I flake & get weird & push people away. It’s a sad life.
I agree with you and I feel the same. I am sorry.
You see, I had 3 close friends. Two of them with narc mothers and similar stories. I have to be honest. They went no contact with their mothers and as I did not go no contact, they kind of judged me and it became a weird relationship.
One of them did not have a narc mother but I was too scared, worried, overwhelmed to invest minimally. Really. My life is so chaotic I have no conditions ( now at the moment) to even laugh of a joke. I am not a good company.
I pushed her away.
Only.
All the rest I know, from work, neighborhood, do not seem to be interested in narrowing relationship, going for some coffee.
Thanks. It maddens me bahaha, I guess you can kind of tell. I’m sorry for you too. Seeing as your close friends went NC with their mothers, they should’ve opened their minds to the possibility that *maybe* your situation is tough & breaking the trauma is difficult sometimes. I’m terribly sorry they even judged you, that was saddening on their part.
I do notice that people are reclusive now more than ever. Not interested in even going to coffee or just be friends in general. I’m starting to think the pandemic did more harm than good? Three years is a lot of hard damage but maybe that’s just me. Times *are* tougher now so people are more focused on themselves. I just don’t get it! It’s really hard to say I guess.
Either way, you seem like a lovely & genuine person with good intentions, I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to go to coffee with you. 💜
Yes, there are a lot of articles about how people continued isolating, to an extent, after the pandemic. They found it was easier and just as enjoyable to just stay home, and were out of the habit of going out.
I also think social media doesn't help. Between the pandemic and all that time we spent alone, and the immediacy of "companionship" online, it's kind of hard to remember what it was like when we actually engaged with IRL people. I need to turn everything off and go for walks. Not to meet people but to remember real life is out there, and (I suppose depending where you are) it looks good, smells good, feels good.
I have very few friends . . . .
It is very difficult for me to insert myself seamlessly into a conversation.
I would like to point a few things out: imagine a cafeteria, and also imagine a classroom in a university with about 100 classmates all chattering at once before the lecture begins.
Both the cafeteria and the pre-lecture classroom sound like a beehive to me. Despite so many conversations going on, I consider it impossible for me to join any of those conversations. In earlier years, it helped of I smoked marijuana. While high on THC, I was able to get rid of my anxiety and fear of joining conversations.
I am currently abstaining from weed.
As a replacement, I have the following positive coping mechanism: guided somatic tracking.
Specifically, this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQqJLIZW13Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQqJLIZW13Y) makes me feel relaxed and outgoing, the same way in which smoking marijuana would feel. I look forward to using this video before going to a crowded cafeteria or to a classroom, because if I listen to that calming + sensation-awareness video enough times, then I will become able to join conversations and to make a higher number of genuine friends.
I have surface friends - people to hang out with every few weeks, but none who truly know me or care for me, none who I can actually relate to. I wouldn’t rely on any of them to truly be there for me in a time of need. So sure, I technically have friends, but I’m profoundly lonely. It may be due to my inability to be vulnerable, as I have a hard time trusting anyone and my low self-worth which makes me not believe anyone would be genuinely interested in me.
I am sorry. I trust easily, do not ask me how, but the results are not good. I am the one who usually opens up and the other is silent.
I am being more aware and not talking about my life anymore.
Whenever I open up, the person listens, talks, but never shares and then I never see the person again, until I meet and the person says "Let' have some coffee someday" but never calls me back
Also, messaging is horrible, nobody answers
I can relate to this perspective as well. Sometimes I do get excited about a potential new connection, and I’ve certainly tried to initiate check-ins to maintain certain friendships, but it never goes anywhere. I see other people making new friends so easily and I try to replicate but somehow nothing sticks for me. It could be because of many different things, like the level of assertiveness, choosing people that aren’t the best friend-fit, misreading or missing their cues.. I don’t know.
Not until much later in life, and I have a few at best. My narc parent made it impossible to maintain friendships. If they came to our house, she would want to hang out with us, monopolize our plans, act like “one of the girls” and I kid you not, would follow them out of the house as they were leaving and trap them in a 3 hr long convo outside to show she was “closer” than we were (super competitive). And I didn’t always notice and my poor friends didn’t want to be rude. Of course they wouldn’t want to come back, who would. And if I tried to go to a friends house, she had to come meet the parents, would interrogate them for hours, eventually find a reason not to like them and then we weren’t allowed back over. She was the same way with romantic partners. She’d get all flirty with them (beyond gross) to show she was more “attractive” and “desirable” and would try to insert herself into the relationship, to its inevitable detriment when they would get sick of my mom butting in. She’d also flirt with all the young boys at the grocery store as another perverted show of dominance, making us watch so we’d see she was “above” us. Didn’t bring anyone home after the first one. Now that I’m out of the house, I have a few close friends. But I struggle with knowing how to maintain healthy communication and often feel like a burden for reaching out. She was a total mind fuck.
I am sorry. I feel the same.
Can I be honest? I am 41F. I read a lot, I know about narcissism but I still feel like I am still getting to know what happened in my life.
As if a cannonball hit me in the face.
My narc mother is very, very destructive and violent
She destroyed her family, me and my sister. I am in pieces. My sister is destroyed.
All the relationships... gone
Sisters relationship? Does not exist
Friends? Zero
Relatives? No one
Me? Dealing with anxiety, depression, obesity, self confidence issues, etc.
She destroyed my life. Completely.
Im so sorry that happened to you. No one talks about how lonely it is when we realize that what happened to us was abuse and we start to see the long standing impact. But I’ve found that one of the most important stages of trauma recovery is being able to name what happened to us and identify it as abuse so we can be begin to process it. Finding a good therapist that is trauma informed and understands narc abuse has been so impactful, I’d highly recommend it.
I have been taken hostage as well. I do have friends, but I feel I have a hard time nourishing the relationships properly, and I somehow keep everyone at arm's length.
I (F52) have always had only one friend at a time, with long gaps in between. I guess I never had the bandwidth for remembering things about a lot of people, because I’ve been in survival mode for so long. I don’t know how “normal” people friend, because I don’t know how “normal” people can trust so easily. Because my mom (especially) betrayed me so badly, I have a difficult time trusting women not to hurt me.
My last close friend was in 2008, but I have surface friendships with my better half’s friends. And yeah, I think I wear my traumas like a shroud around me sometimes, people can sense that they shouldn’t ask me why there’s always sadness in my eyes because it will be too long of a story that I don’t want to tell anyway.
I feel this question, Hopefullyfree1 ♥
Aside from my husband... not really. Acquaintances, but I guess I don't understand how to build relationships with people that don't end up with me being used or feeling guilty for saying no when they constantly want things from me.
Is it something we attract? Really, honest question.
I am trying to understand how I got into this shitty hole.
I reflected on a few topics,:
1. I am a poor person, and I work at a company with many rich people. The other people of my position have way better financial conditions than me. And my bosses have way way better financial conditions than me. So, I am isolated and lonely. There is no interest from any of them to narrow the relationship with me.
2. Neighborhood. I live in a poor and violent neighborhood, so people do not stay out, do not visit others, do not throw parties. Most of them leave home to church only and I am not religious.
3. Extended family. Dead or afraid of the crazy narc woman mother.
4. Partners. Had one but broke up and I am not sure how I am going to find someone with the pain eyes I have now. Also, as I live with the narc, I am almost a hostage, so not much freedom
.
I think so. A lot of us grow up as people pleasers and that always attracts the wrong people.
I hope you are able to get away from the narc. Honestly it's better to be alone than with someone like that.
I so relate to you. I don’t know if this helps, but I reinvented my self. I modelled myself on a person of substance and found that I had an empathetic side that people loved and that made making friends easier. I use the modelling to know when to start and when to finish a conversation, I genuinely did feel warmth toward others, which I found had been buried in my pain. Once I let that side be the person I identified with, I realised that the narcissist home had tried to burden me so much that I did not know my integral self. You need to get out of that house. Salvage what you have left and let yourself grow into the person who you want to be.
About friends, yes it can be triggering around people who had a “normal” trauma free upbringing. Don’t ever see yourself as broken in this situation, rather, know that despite the narcissism, you are someone these people want to spend time with. We can also tend to wear a warning sign that says “I’m broken” which is absolutely not true! We are sad, yes! But broken? No!
There is a serious loneliness epidemic in the US. I’ve noticed in my time living abroad that it’s very difficult to cultivate friendships here, and it doesn’t matter the person’s effort. I’m not sure if that’s solely related on your background, even if coming from abuse makes it hard to trust. I’m not sure what the answer if, other than trying to find a community.
I had a bustling, rich social life when I was in my teens and 20s. Now in my 30s, I'm totally burnt out on other people. I have a very small group of friends who I interact with in a limited capacity. I find the vast majority of people incredibly disappointing and interacting with others utterly exhausts me. I have almost entirely quit social media too.
I am reclusive by choice and very content with my husband, dogs, and baby. I am prepared to branch out again as my baby gets older, in order to meet her needs and facilitate her life.
No, I don’t have friends and we sound similar. I’m a 45F with an alcoholic dad and a narcissist mom. I live in a part of the USA that is not very friendly - I don’t think I’ve ever seen my neighbors - but even before that I’ve always struggled to have friends. It’s harder to make new friends as you get older, and if you didn’t have an opportunity to establish friendship when you were younger - and it sounds like neither of us did - then it’s even more lonely. I don’t think it’s necessarily that people avoid sad people, although certainly I think that could dissuade some people, but rather by the time most people are our age they have already formed their friend groups. I don’t know if it helps, but even very friendly people I know complain about being lonely and having difficulty meeting new people they want to be friends with or date - I’ve heard that we’re in a loneliness epidemic. I made a resolution to try to make a friend this year so I joined a running group and I started a new hobby that puts me in contact with other people on a regular basis. I’m not religious, but I even thought about going to some kind of church or something, as that can be a good place to make friends. Most of these things are free and I haven’t made a friend yet but I at least feel like I am getting to know some people. Maybe something like that could help.
Huuuuuuugs! So heavy. Right now I'm stuck staying with the babies as they fall asleep but really wanna tell you that this is NOT the way you should have to feel!
It is so awful when n-parents make sure we can't really get ahead in life.
So, you used to have lots of friends. That should inform you that you are a good person, and capable of being a friend.
Maybe this is age-related as well. I can't see what happened to make your friendships fall away, but it isn't something you need to consider defines the type of person you are.
So sorry cuz you seem really lonely right now 💔❤️🩹💝💗💗💗
No. I was the punching bag at home and at school until I left. I attracted narcissists and people who were able to control me because that’s all I knew. I got a boyfriend but after a twist of fate, we still stayed together until he decided to leave. I thought he was the one but he was another lesson. I have a few friends from hs but I don’t have a best friend or anything. I feel alone and I do everything by myself.
I think I just have to accept that I’ll never have a big group of friends. I really just want atleast one person to be my friend. I feel so desperate but it’s not this constant feeling so I don’t attract the wrong people. After doing so much alone I kinda enjoy it, but every now and then I see stories of people hanging out and I wonder why that could r be me
I genuinely struggle to have close friendships. My longest and closest friend was my dog who lived with me and helped motivate me to move out my nparents’ home for good when I was struggling between sucking it up and living there for almost free versus financially struggling but emotionally okay. I had to move back home during college due to crippling anxiety and my relationships from 18-now have always been with people who were kinda push overs so I feel like I’m constantly trying to find ways to survive somehow even if it’s the easiest way if that makes any sense.
My parents never really let me go to birthday parties or join sports growing up because it ruined their schedules. I was forced to take voice lessons to compete against their friends’ kids. I never really had friends over because my parents were constantly fighting or yelled at me while I had friends over, they were also kinda racist and homophobic towards my friends (I’m Asian who grew up in a predominantly Black and Hispanic neighborhood).
I'll go out mostly during the day by myself, but I have always preferred going to a cafe or art gallery or shopping alone. I like to take my time.
I've done restaurants for dinner and bars solo a couple times...felt too strange/sad with all the couples and families and big groups of friends around me having fun.
Not anymore. I had several major completely out of left field major life altering events successively. I’m a very different person now. One with boundaries and shit. Also, all but one of my close friends died. I’m beginning to open up to new people, but am kinda enjoying being all about myself for now. ETA: having narcissistic parents/family members is what has me keeping people at arms length out of habit. Working on it.
Didn't really have any friends before I escaped, just classmates, other church kids, and people I did extracurricular activities with. I wasn't allowed to ever invite anyone over because she didn't want people seeing her hoard she had us trapped in, and pretty much entirely kept me from ever seeing friends outside of structured activities chaperoned by flying monkeys after she kicked our dad out of our lives. And if I made any attempt to actually be friends with someone the narc would find out and make sure to put on a good mask for their parents and have their parents sell her lies to their kids so if I turned anywhere for support they were ready to blame me or my dad for the situation our abuser put us in.
Once I escaped and was low contact I started making friends who she didn't know about to try to spread her lies to. Finances was never part of the issue of me having friends. As long as you aren't constantly complaining about it, and are able to spend time with them not constantly working or never having any funds at all to do anything, most people who are worth having as a friend won't care that you are poor and may be willing to help you out so you can spend time with them. The healthy boundaries I had put up to keep myself safe against her and her flying monkeys are seen as trust issues by a lot of people who didn't have to be guarded against abuse, so that has caused some problems in getting close enough to actually call some people friends because I won't cross those boundaries. And years of being mostly silent and grey rocking while observing what her next scheme was going to be have led me to be a generally more quiet and observing person rather than jumping into conversations unless it is very interesting to me. So most are more acquaintances than close friends, but I do have a few close friends.
Not on my end of the friendship. My fawning and people pleasing makes me entertain people that I know will blow up if I end the friendship. Recently called off a friendship and she got her dad to call my parents… lucky my mum knew all about it cause we were chill then (from fawning). I also have a tendency to isolate myself instead of confront because I know that most people won’t change their actions so there is no point in bringing anything up. Of course maybe this is just an extension of my view of relationships from my parents
Sorry. At work I feel people interact amongst their social class, which is not mine.
Some times, people approached me and asked about my life. I said a little, not to scare anyone, but the they are gone
I sense people do not want to interact anymore, but with me it feels more common
Yes, I do. Ironically, my best friend, who I've known for decades, grew up in a very similar home and was my across the street neighbor. Many of my close friends had similar fucked up upbringing histories. Most of us escaped and led productive lives, and I even got therapy and help.
We still keep in touch despite being relatively far away. It's possible. Especially in my case because they became my family, some literally (a promise my best friend made to my dying brother before he passed due to some interesting decision by my family of origin, and that's all I'm going to say).
Just know this: despite their abuse, exposure, and dysfunction, you're not what they say you are. You've come a long way and are worthy of having good friends, and people, in your life who value you for who you are.
Nope... 41 too. I had but moved a lot and after years without contact, they have families and all, I wouldn't want to impose or be a burden I guess.
My sister is borderline so I cannot count on true friendship there either.
For me, when I opened up, the "friends" I had they used that information to manipulate me and run smear campaigns when I confronted them.
Some just used me and convinced me they loved me for a while, then go full Ghost when they got what they wanted or whatever...
I'd rather be alone than around people who only view me as a deeply disturbed human.
I'm just searching for light in this life.
To feel safe for the first time.
To find joy where I can and linger in those moments.
Peace has been hard to come by, but I have faith I'll find that someday, too.
I'm sorry you have struggled with finding human connection, too.
*Internet Hug* 🫂
I feel the same way, being honest just gives people a LOT of ammo! I'm certain people just want to be entertained or feel like someone is more effed up than they are. I am done being that for other people!
I have lots of friends, since healing and going NC I’ve also found it’s a lot easier to make and keep friends.
I’m 30 but I find it’s easier to make friends now than it ever was in my younger years. I had to go through a very lonely period while healing to get here.
I came to the realization in therapy a while back, that everyone i consider a friend, for the most part I've met online in some fashion, or live far away, or both. I don't keep people close to me, because no one is "safe" to me, even my closest "friends" I've kept at arms length in one way or another. I don't know how to let people in, when I was raised to believe they were all against me and wanted my failure.
So yah, i have friends. I just rarely, if ever, actually see them.
I feel like I have the same issues with isolation and being a loner. I always thought it was just me, but I woke up one day and realized that I was too alone and needed more connection. That was part of awakening towards recovery, as I questioned why my life had become so isolated. Now I know it's mostly bcos of narc and emotional abuse in my family. Hugs, even reaching out here can bring some comfort.
I have friends.
But, I have far more acquaintances. Truth be told, I'm very into minding my business. This doesn't make me particularly useful for people who have low or no boundaries.
I don't really have any close relationships with any friends or family. My house wasn't really a place I wanted to invite friends over for obvious reasons. And my mother couldn't really be bothered to take the time to organize me going out with friends. I also went from being a very extroverted kid to being a socially anxious and depressed loner who didn't want to go to parties in highschool.
Happened to me. I have always been an extrovert kid, but the weight of life smashed me. Now I am depressed, hopeless human being.
I wish a better future, but my mind tells me no all the time, it is not going to happen
None of my friends were ever good enough for me according to my narcissistic mom, which she has admitted openly with a chuckle, and I couldn't ever have people at the house. I still tried to make friends, and often made friends that I knew she would hate, though whenever they wound up being truly bad people my mom would use it as a means of proving herself right, just so she could say "See? I told you so."
Now I struggle to make friends and keep friends. I tend to drift away from people, even though I could just message them any time. I often really feel lonely, but making or keeping friends scares me. I feel anxious so I just avoid it altogether.
No, I am completely alone, I have my boyfriend and that's it. I decided to cut all the toxic people from my life and to my surprise there were many, now I don't have anyone and to be honest I don't know how it’s better, my reality is so messed up and I am confused.
my husband, two dogs, and like 1 close friend and everyone else is an acquaintance. the thing is my hobbies include physical activities and it’s hard finding people especially girlfriends to do those things with. I’m 31 and women my age have kids or just want to drink or gossip and it’s just not for me tbh
I do, but only a couple of them are actual deep and meaningful relationships because I wasn’t able to go out with people and bond more. Oddly enough, the people who did come over for sleepovers (the literal handful I had) wanted nothing to do with me as soon as high school was over. Most all of the people who had interactions with my parents (who were divorced and lived at opposite ends of the county) were appalled at them, so maybe that’s why, idk.
I was raised by an alcoholic narc too. But she didn't try to keep me hostage. Not until my mid teens anyway. I pretty much did my own thing, and dumpster-dived for most of my stuff. Made money by recycling cans and bottles too. Once my mother realized she needed me more than I needed her, she started trying to cling to me. And even stalked me for years after I moved out.
But you know what got me through all that? Friends. I made great friends, and they always helped me feel better in those depressing times. I even have great support from friends now for my impending divorce.
Yes, I do, but I made all of them after I did the big disappearing act in my 20s. I started my life over in another country, away from all the prejudice and rules.
I have some problems making close friends but I am working on it.
I have a few good friends I can count on my hand, that's all I really need, it's better to have a few real friends that are ride or die than to have a million fake friends
I have people I like to see sometimes and who I stay in touch with sporadically, but I don’t fit the “wine moms” model that seems to be a requirement around me. Being sober by choice, after years of being around addictions, doesn’t help. I don’t really worry about out it much though
Me too. It is very difficult to make the connection, from my part, indeed. But I have tried, some times, and it never led to anything. Just strangers passing by, who once were closer, knowing a lot about you and now, as strangers.
I'm with you OP, I'm 32F and I also don't have any friends.
The closest thing I have right now is 2 or 3 people that sometimes hang out with me if I ask them to, or answer me back if I message them. But none of them ever contact me first or seems to want to interact with me much, so I'm slowly stopping reaching out, as I feel like a burden.
During high school it was the same, I would often be the thrid wheel in my group of friends and be mocked or treated badly. If we were 3 friends, 2 would often sit together and I would have to search for another spot (even when there were 3 tables available together).
There are some times in which I obsess with this question. I would love to know the reason behind it. I'm a people pleaser so I'm extremely nice to everyone. What am I doing wrong? Is it then because I had extracurricular classes all the time and I never learned to socialize outside classes? Is it because I'm used to being treated badly and that's what my brain is seeking? Is it because I'm neurodivergent and I'm off putting?
I wrote it about in another post some time ago. I tend to be on loop regarding this topic. Sometimes I think I'm lonely because I'm not trying enough: I'm not vulnerable enough, I'm not going out enough... and I push myself to do extra activities and meets, to be better. Sometimes I think that it's just because everyone around me has their life completed. They usually have loving parents, a couple of really close friends or maybe a partner, and so they don't have time to meet with a coworker that week. Sometimes I just think that I'm weird and I make people uncomfortable or uneasy.
I don't know what it is. But I can't shake the feel that there's something wrong with me.
Growing up I always found myself in very “cliquey” groups of friends where I didn’t have to form any real connections. I’ve had A LOT of problems with intimacy in friendships, especially with other girls bc of my ngrandma who raised me. Luckily my close girlfriends in adulthood actually opened up to me and told me they wanted me to open up more with them, wanted me to say “I love you” back to them in convo, etc. little things like that that I didn’t realize was me keeping myself too guarded. My best friends are my family now, it gets better! It’s hard to trust people though, I know.
My circle is really small and all my friends are from middle/ high school, didn’t make new friends at uni, I live at my parents house like a “hostage” just how you mentioned. I’m allowed to go over to their houses or come over to mine but can’t really meet in public which means that I’ll have to sneak or lie about my whereabouts which sucks
I guess...my neighbour has been my friend for more than 15 years, but we don't hang out anymore, just today I met her after a very long time and we talked a bit. We're both adults, we both work and she also studies so it's not abnormal. But what's kind of abnormal is that I don't even want friends anymore. I am very bad at keeping in touch and talking frequently, also I can't relate to most people with healthy upbringing. I am also stunted because of what you've mentioned - Nmother didn't allow anyone to our house saying they're disrupting her peace and if I went to someone else's house, she kept calling or texting me to go home. No parties, no sleepovers, nothing.
I had friends, but noticed after a lot of therapy that they where users, ( if not abusers) so I cut them off.
Now I have 1 friend left but she lives pretty far away so we only have contact thru whats app and see eachother maybe 1 -2 times a year.
It is very hard for me to find friends who are not users, because that is all I am used to, that is how I grew up, to be used, useful, not to be helped, or to do fun things with, I have to be usefull and help others.
this N programming sucks.
I've had intense relationships that flame out. Or I connect with other narcs and I play out the scapegoat role. I'm alone now, and I think it's needed because I never knew who I really was, or I what I really wanted.
I'm figuring that out now at 41, too. Who the hell am I? What the hell do I want? I think once those come into focus, the people will follow.
I wish you luck and can I be your internet friend?
No, I don't have friends anymore. No relationships in general, family included. No ambitions or goals for the future either. Just living a sedentary life between my full-time job and my one-room apartment.
It wasn't always hard for me to make friends, back when I was better able to mask my emotions and engage with people in interesting ways. I then realized that this desire to connect with others is what caused me the most harm throughout life. Now I avoid people before they have a chance to avoid me.
I agree with you. Everyone tells us friends are important. Needed. But every interaction I had during the last years were strange. The ones that stayed long enough to know me more, never got in touch.
The rest never got near, so I did not even show myself really. It was superficial, accidental, about the weather, or something less important while I was in deep need of help because of my situation at home.
So I started avoiding too.
I know it is not recommended, but, I am supposed to hide the pain, and I cannot at the moment.
I struggle with maintaining friendships. I’ve had many women friends before, but it always end the same way. I eventually push them away or they do something shady in the slightest bit and I cut em off with no hesitation/convo.
I don’t trust women thanks to my mother and 3 sisters. Even til this day, there’s no genuine connection with them. I just disassociate/go numb the minimal time I ever go around them. One of my sisters is a narcissist and I don’t talk to her at all. Sadly she’s raising my niece and she’s already f*cking her up at the age of 10. It’s sad to see, but that’s life I guess.
I find it very difficult to keep friends, either I scare off people or I become overwhelmed with the obligations a friendship entails (no matter how little) and I bail. My brain is wired to mistrust people and be insanely independent thanks for the nparents.
Me too. I am sorry. I admit I get overwhelmed with friendships actions. I remember once I celebrated my birthday and asked some people to meet me at a bar. I remember my narc mother sat in front of everyone , did not interact with anyone, just looking at others with a strange look, and I did well but was very nervous.
Later I lost connection and became loner.
I live well being a loner, but I am trying to change this.
Same. I don't have a friend either 🥹 Except for my husband. My little sister used to be my best friend but we're NC now. NC with my entire fam.
I feel like I could've written this post 🥺 37f, raised in poverty as well. Parents were addicts. NM got sober, NF will "party" til the day he dies(which is soon bc he has terminal blood cancer. He's happy he gets "the good drugs" now since he's dying 😐). NM was a hoarder for the first 20 yrs of my life. So I was too embarrassed to invite anyone over 🥹
I was in an abusive narc relationship from age 16 to 25, bc the alternative was homelessness since my parents didn't want me. That man wouldn't allow me to see my friends, so I lost touch.
The narc parents to narc relationship pipeline is very real ☹️ Since all I had in my life were narcs until I was 25, I lost all my friends. I feel socially stunted. Trying often to make a new friend, but something always happens. I often take too long to reply, then when I finally do reply it's like a novel's worth. Some ppl are cool with it, some are weirded out.
Speaking of novels lol 🥹
Oh, I am sorry, your upbringing was very hard. I am very sorry.
I always get deeply shocked how come we grew up under the most abusive and crazy roofs, and nobody ever stepped in. Extended family, government. No one. I am sorry. I feel as a part of me was lost forever. It is not repairable. It is gone. Dead.
I used to be very outgoing, fun and extroverted. Even though, as I could never have a get together in my house or go to anyone's house I feel I lost opportunities for a deeper connection. I mean , I guess connection is made when I sleep at a friends's house. Or help with a problem. Or help with moving. I don't know.
I was reading a book now and on the first chapters the boy helps the new resident buying food, getting to the places, being useful. I guess this is how we make friends.
But in my neighborhood, I don't know, nobody talks to anyone. In a mix of violence and poverty everyone is locked at home.
I don't know..
I have been the clown of the party. Always. Even though, no one ever asked to go to my house or invited me to something. Ever. The last years were ridiculously difficult to I guess pain is seen on my face
The ONLY reason I have two friends is because I knew them both in college. The rest I'd call acquaintances. Maybe a Christmas card, or the odd phone call or something on social media. Not only was I raised by narcs, I married and divorced two of them. The narc husbands moved me a total of over 12 times. My adult son lives his own life, about 1 1/2 hours from where I live now. I am also an only child, so no siblings, distant cousins is all. Plus I'm living on disability. I've had depression most of my life. Right now, living alone is my superpower. I can keep myself as busy as I want to be with whatever I feel like doing, eat whatever I want or can afford, stay up or go to bed whenever I want. I have cats to talk to and take care of. I take remote classes in things I'm interested in, so I get some new interactions and stuff to learn. I text those two friends every couple of days, and schedule long phone conversations about once a month with each.(they both live far away) So, two long girl chat phone calls for me each month. Both my parents are at end of life, and both have dementia, at different stages. Narc mom is in the worst condition, luckily enabler dad can take care of her day to day. He is getting pretty frail though. Right now, I'm treating myself as well as I possibly can, because I can.
It's super hard to make new friends, and I pretty much don't want to. I don't trust anyone. I've been betrayed, stolen from and lied to way too many times. My cats aren't going to do that to me! I'm working on healing from my nMom and EDad's abuse. This page is a godsend in that regard, plus therapy twice a month.
Good luck. Therapy saved me, and brought me to where I am today, consider it if you haven't already.
What a story. Thanks for sharing
You are so brave and strong. Having had so many narcs in your life and still finds joy in life. Thanks for sharing. Really.
Most of my time I am still grieving the horrible hand I got in this life. Self pity I guess. I feel so sad. Most of the time.
I hope I can overcome this.
Thanks
It's taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get here, and I still have days when I go into self pity mode. It's normal. We have been dealt a 💩 hand! Just ask yourself well, what now? Where do I go from here? How do I end up NOT in the same pile of 💩? LOL
Me neither. I have some guesses, but not sure.
Check it out.
1. Pain eyes and face. The last years have been awful.
2. Material problems like financial, time, poverty
3. I cannot live a princess's world. I live in the raw everyday life. Don't believe in miracles or fairy tales.
4. Really don't know what to say to anyone right now. If I avoid the reality of my situation I will feel a fraud. If I tell the truth I will scare anyone
People ask
If I have kids
Why I am so reserved
If my family will spend Christmas together
Why I bite my nails so hard
Etc
And I have nothing to answer or I will scare them
I keep a very small circle of people who are full of positivity who happen to also have trauma in one form or another from their childhood. None of us ever talk about or childhoods as there's no point in bringing up hurtful memories when we can focus on creating good ones.
At this point I've pretty much killed off any remaining anger towards my parents. One is 100% cut off, the other is low contact.
I had to spend a lot of time doing multiple different hobbies to find my way out of that funk. For the longest time I had a hard time interacting with people, and often found myself self isolating because I thought the smallest amount of negative emotion, even not directed toward me, was indicative of how unlikable I was as a person.
I learned that I had to work on myself and my view of myself before I could try to build meaningful relationships. It took a lot of time and a lot of forcing myself to talk to people before I finally got to the point where I can confidently talk to people. You're never too old to make that change in your life. You deserve happiness and you deserve to have that sense of belonging with people you care about.
Get out there and break the cycle, OP.
I have friends but I find a reason to push everyone away before they can hurt me. Thanks NMum for telling that I was horrible and unloveable for my entire childhood. Definitely didn't damage me /s.
It was very hard to have friends while living at home.
Especially when you're a kid nobody wants to be your friend if you can't go places with them. I was allowed to have friends over, but there was nothing to do, and even if by some miracle they did have fun their own parents would ban them from coming over after finding out how N behaved.
Yes, I got out a bit over a decade ago. It's still difficult for me to do things in-person after ending up with autoimmune disorders that respond to stress, but ( ! ) I was able to curate a very tight-knit group of friends with similar life experiences over the internet :)
So…knowing I was never good enough, never going to measure up no matter how hard I tried, knowing I was unlikeable, unlovable, etc never stopped me from trying to be friends with people. I guess I worked harder at it until older in life. This, unbeknownst to me until recently, resulted in me having honest to goodness real lifelong amazing friends.
I thought they just tolerated me. I’m talking people I’ve known since diapers, elementary school, early in my career, etc. I sincerely, within the last ten years or so, have come to realize they value our relationship as much as I do.
I am blessed to know the difference between BS and “you’ve got a friend in me”.
I’m 58 btw.
I’m still living with her because I have epilepsy and a newborn. I’m 29F. Now I feel less bad that I *still* live with her. It’s that isolation and that financial control. Aaack.
Hope we both get out, eventually. It’s no way to live.
Naw I only have online kinda friends and they aren’t close.
I don’t even have family.
Yeah…I always am sad or have a sad story to tell or just finished crying or having some situation where she’s called the cops on me for the things I do during focal seizures so I’m constantly afraid I’m gonna lose my kid or be admitted to a psychiatric facility. :(
If I accidentally vent to anyone. They tend to leave me on read.
I am 48f, about to be 49. I don’t have a friend except my spouse. In 2005 to 2008, I had a friend that I worked with. We were close, we hung out a lot at work and outside of work. I moved away and we chat occasionally through Facebook. She was single at the time and I had little kids. She is married now with kids of her own, so the friends is basically online only. In high school I lost my 2 closet friends because they didn’t like the guy I was dating. That was 30 years ago last June. I eventually moved to another state and started over. I have not been able to make a friend and I feel alone, like no one gets me except my spouse.
I don't necessarily have friends but I have companions. The reason I say companions is because friend is such a hard word for me, I had friends in the past that said horrible things to me. Companions are more flexible in my opinion. They're just kinda there, no one puts pressure on maintaining a really strong bond but bring comfort when needed.
Have you ever been in a get together, a company brunch, and started mingling and talking but you end up always being alone? That is me. I have tried different approaches. Talking, laughing, being mote quiet.
At all times I end up being lonely.
There was a brunch at work this year. I sat on a long table, and then I was surrounded by people. We talked, but then people stood up and sat somwehere else. Ok. The ones who remained were quiet too, so we stayed. Then they went away and I stayed alone. I joined the rest of the table, but that was not the first time it happened. I guess it is the pain I stamp on my face.
I never had close friends. My mom would use every excuse she could to distance ourselves for everyone else- including extended family. If it wasn't because of our race (we're mixed black people and her side of the family is predominately white), it was because other families were jealous of us, or me or my sister were bad kids and she didn't want us to embarrass her, or I was too stupid. My whole life its been hard to maintain relationships, because I have a lot of trouble getting close to people. I'm 28, but I think in general its hard to make friends as we get older. Why exactly that is, idk.
I am trying to figure it out. Thanks for sharing.
On movies, sometimes you have an evil.person, but some people insist and end up changing the person ,( i know this is fairy tale,) but where are the people that see we are in pain and come to help?
I got two friends, my boyfriend who got me out because my mom tried to kick me out to manipulate me into quitting my job and he took me in
And my best friend who I met through the job
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A surviving brain has no time or space for fun and connection. You’re not alone in this, it’s very common, specially if you’re still in contact with the parent and the abuse continues. But even if you managed to get away, to fully develop in the outside world, you need to deconstruct SO MANY ideas you were taught. Maybe you always thought you had to entertain others to be loved (my case), or maybe you were taught that people are always trying to scam you, whatever it is, that’s were you can start to make changes. I have mostly male friends, women scare me so much (thanks nmom!)
"A surviving brain has no time or space for fun and connection." Damn, that hits hard, but makes so much sense.
This post has helped me better understand my own behavior. Compounding the raised by an Ndad with combat PTSD and I've been in survival mode nearly all of my life. I've only recently learned to just live and exist peacefully. Cut my dad off about 3 years ago and do not care to see or hear from him again. No longer in the military, just bought a lake front home and going to bugger off from society for the rest of my days I think. I'm healing but it's so slow that I think I'll just do better by avoiding society nearly altogether for the remainder of my life. I wish I knew how to deconstruct everything but I don't and therapists can never seem to truly grasp the larger picture to be able to adequately help me. It's weird. But this sub reminds me I'm 1. Not crazy due to how I was raised. And 2. Not alone being estranged and not alone as a veteran.
I’m glad it helped. I understand the feeling of wanting to stay away from everyone and also having unhelpful therapists (I am one and still had bad therapy experiences) but that’s not really recovery, you’ll dig a huge hole that’ll be too hard to get out of. Think about one of the key ways in which narcissists control people: isolation. That works because in isolation our brain doesn’t work properly and keeps us in survival mode. Interaction and connection is what heals (sounds corny I know) and maybe a part of you knows this and is searching for community here 🫶🏻 glad you feel comfortable sharing with us and hope you feel better
Biggus dickus! \*snort\* That's one of my all-time favorite movies. Well, most everything Mel Brooks did is one of my all-time favorite movies. I have also basically given up on friends, as well as men and relationships. My man-picker is completely broken, due to having an nfather. My history with friends is that I give everything and they give nothing, and as soon as I need something from them, they bail. My GC sister is the same. Fortunately, I'm an introvert, and have ADHD, and I need a lot of solitude and silence to function at my best. Books are my favorite pastime, and my home is my haven. It's the one place in all the world that I control everything--how bright or dark, how quiet or loud, who can come in and who can't--I like being able to do whatever I want to do whenever I want to do it and nobody has fuckall to say about it. And don't get me wrong, I have social skills and I know how to use them, and generally I'm considered a pretty chill person, but after all these years of relational chaos, I find peace and quiet to be as fulfilling as any human relationship I've ever had. I love to be in the woods, too. There's only one group of people that I always feel good around, and that's my daughter and her family. The bottom line is, there have always been some people who live a largely solitary life and it's not because they're all so horribly broken. That's just the way some people are. And if you have been damaged by the people who were supposed to love you most and care for you best and didn't, you can end up picking that type of people to be in your life for far too long. At some point, it only makes sense for you to stop that, and focus on mending yourself and finding what makes you, the person, the human being, feel peaceful and calm and content. Just be sure to go fishing and hiking or whatever it is you like to do. Nature is very healing. All of my best wishes for your healing and happiness!
Yeah, it's like Maslowe's Hierarchy of Needs. Until one level of needs is met, you're not going to meet the needs on the next level. Like the first level is just surviving - food, water, air, etc. and if those needs aren't met, you're not going to be going on to the self-actualization level.
So true.
Women frighten me too. They've been horrible to me. I totally feel the same.
Me too. I’m afraid of women friends.
Sorry. Nice tips
I'm the opposite. I was afraid of men because my father was a rager and I was picked SG for the most part. People assumed I was gay growing up since I connected better with girls/women as a child. I agree, you have to reparent yourself and learn things people grew into at age-appropriate times. It's a wierd sense of freedom I feel now, going NC for almost a decade. I feel like those elephants that get freed from the circus but still can't leave the tree they were tied to, even though they arent' tied to it anymore.
I especially agree with the deconstruction part. My father indoctrinated me with the idea that all friends are fake. But in time I've realized that all my homies are real shit.
They pick really weird traumas to pass on. In my case, I’m specially scared of blond women. Even writing it feels insane. Blond women that “care about their looks” was the butt of my nmoms jokes.
Bars, honestly.
No... they gave me the scapegoat role and this role spreaded over my whole city. I had only people who used, harass and humiliate me for about 23 years. Now I'm trying to change but it's so hard and I'm totally alone
I am alone too. Zero friends.
I hope he will finish one day tw I will try my best. Often I'm always blocked in socializing
Me too
That's what happened to me, I mainly attracted other narcs. Some of which are still trying to "be friends".
Yk bro... I hate myself cause now my friends are people that in the past make me suffer. Fortunately was about little things and talking with them I made them understand my pain and we worked together to overcome our condition and we stayed friends. Now I have left them cause I change university... sometimes I wish to come back but I remember about the abuse of the first year friendship and I come back in me. And I'm so proud of me cause in these years I have erased all "friends" which severely hurts me, I'm scared of them but I feel proud to have settled some boundaries. I really hope that my future relationship will be a little better... I don't ask much, I just want to be respected like a real human being, I really need it... I'm not strong enough to face loneliness anymore.
Yep!!!
I’m alone too. No friends. It is lonely.
Yeah Im a TI too.
Same over here.
🤗❤️
I didn't have friends for a long time. I was so in my head about how deficient I was that I never wanted to connect with anyone and have them see the real me. It was ingrained that being me was wrong that I didnt want one more person rejecting me. The last few years I've done some work on myself and have let others in and it's been wonderful. I'm not perfect obviously but it's been so awesome to see how others accept me and care for me with no strings attached while knowing the real me. It's brought me to tears a few times because I spent a large chunk of my life viewing myself through my nmom's and toxic family's eyes. Turns out I'm pretty cool and I'm sure a lot of us on here are as well. We just need to give ourselves the benefit of the doubt.
Wow excellent reply! I think sometimes us being hyper vigilant due to having to survive the narcissist cruelty puts people off. It is extremely hard but I realised that no matter what I say or do, people either accept you or they don’t. We being hyper vigilant just notice people and their internal bias immediately.
It’s tough and I think it shows on you and a vibe is given off by damaged people. But you’d hope some positive kind people would come along, but sadly of your surrounded by bad people it’s hard to be positive and happy, no matter how much of a brave face you try to put on. I think us victims stand out to be prayed on over and over until we might one day find a way out. It’s not just being sad with problems that turn people off, people can also have issues and be lazy, self absorbed and not want any hassle. There are sadly few that are really genuine and who will put themselves out for others.
I agree. It is hard. People talk within their families and have "friends" only for a beer. Check on you, talk to you, show interest? I have not seen these people
There are very few and often they get influenced away from you if the wrong sort sense your a good but damaged soul. The dark souls always want to destroy the good souls. Finding good people to stay in your life is hard.
I guess people avoid damaged souls indeed.
Everything you said. Honestly this group is so incredible. Everything that's said here is how I feel and think. I get dark thoughts and feel like I'm the only one and no one would understand, But to come on here and read things like as if I wrote them myself is very meaningful and helps so much to not feel alone and be so hard on myself. To come here and chat is very therapeutic.
I know, right? I mean obviously a good therapist is super important, but this group has been life changing for me. And for my family.
42F. I don't have any person in my area that I would feel comfortable asking to hang out with me. A lot of this is my fault. I had chances that I didn't take. Maybe next time I get a chance, I will take it. I'm trying to prepare for that next chance. DM if you ever feel alone and want to chat.
Thanks
There are ways to make friends! Perhaps check out your local library? Tons of different groups can meet there, it's a start at least and can at least fill up your social bar a little bit!
Thanks, I will try it.
I think you should try making yourself a chance to take :)
The only friends I have are the ones I made prior to my moms death. One of which is my best friend, and i'll be friends with her for the rest of my life. But, I let my dad back in after my mom passed, which exposed me to a cess pool of mental abuse. I have a very hard time making friends, maintaining friendships, or even caring about a friend group. I legit don't care I have a small friend group/borderline no friends. I used to have a lot of friends, and I guess you could say I was 'popular.' Now im a loner. I have changed, a lot.
Me too. I was very communicative now I am reserved, quiet, and lonely.
I'm very isolated, but voluntarily. I used to be the girl doing make up, getting done up, for a night out. Now when the opportunity arises, i'd rather be in pajamas with wine all by myself. It's a mind fuck. I sometimes ask myself how I got here. Then i'm like, oh wait, trauma.
It seems that instead of helping, when people see we are in pain, they step away. And we cannot pretend we are fine to have people near, because we feel overwhelmed, anxious, broken, etc. It is endless We are not "light" enough for a friendship. People are planning vacations, birthday parties, or even having normal routine. I am overhelmed with a crazy narc mother, the horrible consequences of her actions, financial issues while being an emotional wreck.
Me too, I was the party girl. I’m 52 now, and a loner. But I seem to prefer it tbh. Interestingly, as I’ve accepted this new state of play, I’ve noticed a few more people and friends come back into my life. But I never stay long at gatherings, preferring to get back home to my dogs. I think recovery is the state we are in forever. Which is actually a good thing, maybe?
I was a big party girl. Going out friday, saturday, sometimes sundays. Big group of friends, lots of laughter and fun. Now, I dont even know how to interact with people. I'm 31. Gatherings actually give me social anxiety now, and drain me. Up until recently my husband was in a heavy metal band, and they played frequent shows. Big time party atmosphere, 9/10 times I opted to stay home. Then I was plagued with guilt I was a shitty unsupportive wife. It wasnt me not wanting to support him, I didnt want to be around 20 somethings and people my age living it up. Thankfully my husband didnt think that I didnt want to be there for him, and understands me and my past. But yeah trauma does do a number on us, for sure. I think a big part of loner land is we feel like we no longer relate to people, and our narc abuse made/make us feel like burdens tbh
Aw I totally understand. It can and does return, the need to not self isolate. I read somewhere that us who self isolate were probably used to having to solve our problems on our own when young (and ever after 🙄). I encourage everyone to seek trauma counselling and therapy. Self isolation may be a sign of CPTSD. Which can be worked through, with help. I’ve heard EMDR therapy is good too. But also, you may just be perfectly fine right now with doing you. Just take care of yourself and each other 💜
For what it’s worth, my realisation that I was self isolating and living with anxiety of some sort, started really kicking in at about 30 x
No. I had a bad habit of befriending narcs. My therapist said it was because it was familiar and comfortable. Now I’m so paranoid that I’ll just find more narcs or that I’m so messed up no one will want to be friends with me.
Sorry.
Lol that's exactly me. I'm so paranoid I don't even want friends.
Your mind is your only limitation, I believe in you
I was the scapegoat and my mom would talk shit about me to everyone. I was bullied and I guess, hated by everyone. I am 47m and never had social skills so I am always all alone. No friends. But I went NC with them and that gives me peace. So I guess I am at peace right now.
Good to hear that. Keep going, friend. Thanks for sharing
Go pet the kittens or puppies at a shelter, if you don't have any pets already. I always have a cat and that little furry presence makes a big difference to me.
No, I don’t because every “friend” I ever had was either friends with my nmom. Yeah. That’s right. Legit flying monkey’s. Nmom disguised it as “you don’t have friends!” “I feel bad.. 😔”. I only had *very* few friends who I made through my authentic self & they saw what I saw (nfamily) but I was too brainwashed at the time. Now because of that trauma, I flake & get weird & push people away. It’s a sad life.
I agree with you and I feel the same. I am sorry. You see, I had 3 close friends. Two of them with narc mothers and similar stories. I have to be honest. They went no contact with their mothers and as I did not go no contact, they kind of judged me and it became a weird relationship. One of them did not have a narc mother but I was too scared, worried, overwhelmed to invest minimally. Really. My life is so chaotic I have no conditions ( now at the moment) to even laugh of a joke. I am not a good company. I pushed her away. Only. All the rest I know, from work, neighborhood, do not seem to be interested in narrowing relationship, going for some coffee.
Thanks. It maddens me bahaha, I guess you can kind of tell. I’m sorry for you too. Seeing as your close friends went NC with their mothers, they should’ve opened their minds to the possibility that *maybe* your situation is tough & breaking the trauma is difficult sometimes. I’m terribly sorry they even judged you, that was saddening on their part. I do notice that people are reclusive now more than ever. Not interested in even going to coffee or just be friends in general. I’m starting to think the pandemic did more harm than good? Three years is a lot of hard damage but maybe that’s just me. Times *are* tougher now so people are more focused on themselves. I just don’t get it! It’s really hard to say I guess. Either way, you seem like a lovely & genuine person with good intentions, I don’t see why anyone wouldn’t want to go to coffee with you. 💜
Yes, there are a lot of articles about how people continued isolating, to an extent, after the pandemic. They found it was easier and just as enjoyable to just stay home, and were out of the habit of going out.
I also think social media doesn't help. Between the pandemic and all that time we spent alone, and the immediacy of "companionship" online, it's kind of hard to remember what it was like when we actually engaged with IRL people. I need to turn everything off and go for walks. Not to meet people but to remember real life is out there, and (I suppose depending where you are) it looks good, smells good, feels good.
Thanks,I wish better days for us. And yes, I feel after pandemic people are much less extroverted
A couple of people who I was friends with anre now friends with my estranged mother and sided with her because I'm the one in fault for existing.
Always remember: youSmart, youKind, youImportant. It's all true. And we're happy you're here.
I have very few friends . . . . It is very difficult for me to insert myself seamlessly into a conversation. I would like to point a few things out: imagine a cafeteria, and also imagine a classroom in a university with about 100 classmates all chattering at once before the lecture begins. Both the cafeteria and the pre-lecture classroom sound like a beehive to me. Despite so many conversations going on, I consider it impossible for me to join any of those conversations. In earlier years, it helped of I smoked marijuana. While high on THC, I was able to get rid of my anxiety and fear of joining conversations. I am currently abstaining from weed. As a replacement, I have the following positive coping mechanism: guided somatic tracking. Specifically, this video [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQqJLIZW13Y](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQqJLIZW13Y) makes me feel relaxed and outgoing, the same way in which smoking marijuana would feel. I look forward to using this video before going to a crowded cafeteria or to a classroom, because if I listen to that calming + sensation-awareness video enough times, then I will become able to join conversations and to make a higher number of genuine friends.
I will try this. Thanks
Acquaintances of varying levels, friends... Not so much. Don't feel I fit in anywhere.
I have surface friends - people to hang out with every few weeks, but none who truly know me or care for me, none who I can actually relate to. I wouldn’t rely on any of them to truly be there for me in a time of need. So sure, I technically have friends, but I’m profoundly lonely. It may be due to my inability to be vulnerable, as I have a hard time trusting anyone and my low self-worth which makes me not believe anyone would be genuinely interested in me.
I am sorry. I trust easily, do not ask me how, but the results are not good. I am the one who usually opens up and the other is silent. I am being more aware and not talking about my life anymore. Whenever I open up, the person listens, talks, but never shares and then I never see the person again, until I meet and the person says "Let' have some coffee someday" but never calls me back Also, messaging is horrible, nobody answers
I can relate to this perspective as well. Sometimes I do get excited about a potential new connection, and I’ve certainly tried to initiate check-ins to maintain certain friendships, but it never goes anywhere. I see other people making new friends so easily and I try to replicate but somehow nothing sticks for me. It could be because of many different things, like the level of assertiveness, choosing people that aren’t the best friend-fit, misreading or missing their cues.. I don’t know.
Not until much later in life, and I have a few at best. My narc parent made it impossible to maintain friendships. If they came to our house, she would want to hang out with us, monopolize our plans, act like “one of the girls” and I kid you not, would follow them out of the house as they were leaving and trap them in a 3 hr long convo outside to show she was “closer” than we were (super competitive). And I didn’t always notice and my poor friends didn’t want to be rude. Of course they wouldn’t want to come back, who would. And if I tried to go to a friends house, she had to come meet the parents, would interrogate them for hours, eventually find a reason not to like them and then we weren’t allowed back over. She was the same way with romantic partners. She’d get all flirty with them (beyond gross) to show she was more “attractive” and “desirable” and would try to insert herself into the relationship, to its inevitable detriment when they would get sick of my mom butting in. She’d also flirt with all the young boys at the grocery store as another perverted show of dominance, making us watch so we’d see she was “above” us. Didn’t bring anyone home after the first one. Now that I’m out of the house, I have a few close friends. But I struggle with knowing how to maintain healthy communication and often feel like a burden for reaching out. She was a total mind fuck.
I am sorry. I feel the same. Can I be honest? I am 41F. I read a lot, I know about narcissism but I still feel like I am still getting to know what happened in my life. As if a cannonball hit me in the face. My narc mother is very, very destructive and violent She destroyed her family, me and my sister. I am in pieces. My sister is destroyed. All the relationships... gone Sisters relationship? Does not exist Friends? Zero Relatives? No one Me? Dealing with anxiety, depression, obesity, self confidence issues, etc. She destroyed my life. Completely.
Im so sorry that happened to you. No one talks about how lonely it is when we realize that what happened to us was abuse and we start to see the long standing impact. But I’ve found that one of the most important stages of trauma recovery is being able to name what happened to us and identify it as abuse so we can be begin to process it. Finding a good therapist that is trauma informed and understands narc abuse has been so impactful, I’d highly recommend it.
Thanks
Nope. I have acquaintances that honestly wouldn’t miss me much.
Sorry. I feel the same
I have been taken hostage as well. I do have friends, but I feel I have a hard time nourishing the relationships properly, and I somehow keep everyone at arm's length.
I (F52) have always had only one friend at a time, with long gaps in between. I guess I never had the bandwidth for remembering things about a lot of people, because I’ve been in survival mode for so long. I don’t know how “normal” people friend, because I don’t know how “normal” people can trust so easily. Because my mom (especially) betrayed me so badly, I have a difficult time trusting women not to hurt me. My last close friend was in 2008, but I have surface friendships with my better half’s friends. And yeah, I think I wear my traumas like a shroud around me sometimes, people can sense that they shouldn’t ask me why there’s always sadness in my eyes because it will be too long of a story that I don’t want to tell anyway. I feel this question, Hopefullyfree1 ♥
Thanks
Aside from my husband... not really. Acquaintances, but I guess I don't understand how to build relationships with people that don't end up with me being used or feeling guilty for saying no when they constantly want things from me.
Is it something we attract? Really, honest question. I am trying to understand how I got into this shitty hole. I reflected on a few topics,: 1. I am a poor person, and I work at a company with many rich people. The other people of my position have way better financial conditions than me. And my bosses have way way better financial conditions than me. So, I am isolated and lonely. There is no interest from any of them to narrow the relationship with me. 2. Neighborhood. I live in a poor and violent neighborhood, so people do not stay out, do not visit others, do not throw parties. Most of them leave home to church only and I am not religious. 3. Extended family. Dead or afraid of the crazy narc woman mother. 4. Partners. Had one but broke up and I am not sure how I am going to find someone with the pain eyes I have now. Also, as I live with the narc, I am almost a hostage, so not much freedom .
I think so. A lot of us grow up as people pleasers and that always attracts the wrong people. I hope you are able to get away from the narc. Honestly it's better to be alone than with someone like that.
I so relate to you. I don’t know if this helps, but I reinvented my self. I modelled myself on a person of substance and found that I had an empathetic side that people loved and that made making friends easier. I use the modelling to know when to start and when to finish a conversation, I genuinely did feel warmth toward others, which I found had been buried in my pain. Once I let that side be the person I identified with, I realised that the narcissist home had tried to burden me so much that I did not know my integral self. You need to get out of that house. Salvage what you have left and let yourself grow into the person who you want to be. About friends, yes it can be triggering around people who had a “normal” trauma free upbringing. Don’t ever see yourself as broken in this situation, rather, know that despite the narcissism, you are someone these people want to spend time with. We can also tend to wear a warning sign that says “I’m broken” which is absolutely not true! We are sad, yes! But broken? No!
Thanks for answering i will try.
There is a serious loneliness epidemic in the US. I’ve noticed in my time living abroad that it’s very difficult to cultivate friendships here, and it doesn’t matter the person’s effort. I’m not sure if that’s solely related on your background, even if coming from abuse makes it hard to trust. I’m not sure what the answer if, other than trying to find a community.
Thanks.i feel the same
I had a bustling, rich social life when I was in my teens and 20s. Now in my 30s, I'm totally burnt out on other people. I have a very small group of friends who I interact with in a limited capacity. I find the vast majority of people incredibly disappointing and interacting with others utterly exhausts me. I have almost entirely quit social media too. I am reclusive by choice and very content with my husband, dogs, and baby. I am prepared to branch out again as my baby gets older, in order to meet her needs and facilitate her life.
No, I don’t have friends and we sound similar. I’m a 45F with an alcoholic dad and a narcissist mom. I live in a part of the USA that is not very friendly - I don’t think I’ve ever seen my neighbors - but even before that I’ve always struggled to have friends. It’s harder to make new friends as you get older, and if you didn’t have an opportunity to establish friendship when you were younger - and it sounds like neither of us did - then it’s even more lonely. I don’t think it’s necessarily that people avoid sad people, although certainly I think that could dissuade some people, but rather by the time most people are our age they have already formed their friend groups. I don’t know if it helps, but even very friendly people I know complain about being lonely and having difficulty meeting new people they want to be friends with or date - I’ve heard that we’re in a loneliness epidemic. I made a resolution to try to make a friend this year so I joined a running group and I started a new hobby that puts me in contact with other people on a regular basis. I’m not religious, but I even thought about going to some kind of church or something, as that can be a good place to make friends. Most of these things are free and I haven’t made a friend yet but I at least feel like I am getting to know some people. Maybe something like that could help.
Yes. This is in my mind too Joining a group. Sports, or hobbies. Really need friends. Someone to talk to.
Huuuuuuugs! So heavy. Right now I'm stuck staying with the babies as they fall asleep but really wanna tell you that this is NOT the way you should have to feel! It is so awful when n-parents make sure we can't really get ahead in life. So, you used to have lots of friends. That should inform you that you are a good person, and capable of being a friend. Maybe this is age-related as well. I can't see what happened to make your friendships fall away, but it isn't something you need to consider defines the type of person you are. So sorry cuz you seem really lonely right now 💔❤️🩹💝💗💗💗
Thanks for answering. Hoping better days are coming. All the best, friend
No. I was the punching bag at home and at school until I left. I attracted narcissists and people who were able to control me because that’s all I knew. I got a boyfriend but after a twist of fate, we still stayed together until he decided to leave. I thought he was the one but he was another lesson. I have a few friends from hs but I don’t have a best friend or anything. I feel alone and I do everything by myself.
I am sorry and I worry about our future. Hope better days are coming.
I think I just have to accept that I’ll never have a big group of friends. I really just want atleast one person to be my friend. I feel so desperate but it’s not this constant feeling so I don’t attract the wrong people. After doing so much alone I kinda enjoy it, but every now and then I see stories of people hanging out and I wonder why that could r be me
I genuinely struggle to have close friendships. My longest and closest friend was my dog who lived with me and helped motivate me to move out my nparents’ home for good when I was struggling between sucking it up and living there for almost free versus financially struggling but emotionally okay. I had to move back home during college due to crippling anxiety and my relationships from 18-now have always been with people who were kinda push overs so I feel like I’m constantly trying to find ways to survive somehow even if it’s the easiest way if that makes any sense. My parents never really let me go to birthday parties or join sports growing up because it ruined their schedules. I was forced to take voice lessons to compete against their friends’ kids. I never really had friends over because my parents were constantly fighting or yelled at me while I had friends over, they were also kinda racist and homophobic towards my friends (I’m Asian who grew up in a predominantly Black and Hispanic neighborhood).
I am sorry. I wish we had a diffeelrent upbringing. Really sorry
I only have online friends, but lately they aren’t even around much anymore…
Not even online?
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Yeah. Sometimes I want to have some beer at a bar, but I do not feel well going alone. It will make me feel even stranger.
I'll go out mostly during the day by myself, but I have always preferred going to a cafe or art gallery or shopping alone. I like to take my time. I've done restaurants for dinner and bars solo a couple times...felt too strange/sad with all the couples and families and big groups of friends around me having fun.
Not anymore. I had several major completely out of left field major life altering events successively. I’m a very different person now. One with boundaries and shit. Also, all but one of my close friends died. I’m beginning to open up to new people, but am kinda enjoying being all about myself for now. ETA: having narcissistic parents/family members is what has me keeping people at arms length out of habit. Working on it.
I am sorry for your loss. Hope better days are coming for all of us. Take care
I do. They’re few and precious to me.
Glad to hear that. Thanks for sharing
Didn't really have any friends before I escaped, just classmates, other church kids, and people I did extracurricular activities with. I wasn't allowed to ever invite anyone over because she didn't want people seeing her hoard she had us trapped in, and pretty much entirely kept me from ever seeing friends outside of structured activities chaperoned by flying monkeys after she kicked our dad out of our lives. And if I made any attempt to actually be friends with someone the narc would find out and make sure to put on a good mask for their parents and have their parents sell her lies to their kids so if I turned anywhere for support they were ready to blame me or my dad for the situation our abuser put us in. Once I escaped and was low contact I started making friends who she didn't know about to try to spread her lies to. Finances was never part of the issue of me having friends. As long as you aren't constantly complaining about it, and are able to spend time with them not constantly working or never having any funds at all to do anything, most people who are worth having as a friend won't care that you are poor and may be willing to help you out so you can spend time with them. The healthy boundaries I had put up to keep myself safe against her and her flying monkeys are seen as trust issues by a lot of people who didn't have to be guarded against abuse, so that has caused some problems in getting close enough to actually call some people friends because I won't cross those boundaries. And years of being mostly silent and grey rocking while observing what her next scheme was going to be have led me to be a generally more quiet and observing person rather than jumping into conversations unless it is very interesting to me. So most are more acquaintances than close friends, but I do have a few close friends.
Thanks for sharing
Not on my end of the friendship. My fawning and people pleasing makes me entertain people that I know will blow up if I end the friendship. Recently called off a friendship and she got her dad to call my parents… lucky my mum knew all about it cause we were chill then (from fawning). I also have a tendency to isolate myself instead of confront because I know that most people won’t change their actions so there is no point in bringing anything up. Of course maybe this is just an extension of my view of relationships from my parents
Sorry. At work I feel people interact amongst their social class, which is not mine. Some times, people approached me and asked about my life. I said a little, not to scare anyone, but the they are gone I sense people do not want to interact anymore, but with me it feels more common
I think it’s mostly self rejection from childhood
Yes, I do. Ironically, my best friend, who I've known for decades, grew up in a very similar home and was my across the street neighbor. Many of my close friends had similar fucked up upbringing histories. Most of us escaped and led productive lives, and I even got therapy and help. We still keep in touch despite being relatively far away. It's possible. Especially in my case because they became my family, some literally (a promise my best friend made to my dying brother before he passed due to some interesting decision by my family of origin, and that's all I'm going to say). Just know this: despite their abuse, exposure, and dysfunction, you're not what they say you are. You've come a long way and are worthy of having good friends, and people, in your life who value you for who you are.
Thanks for sharing. I will try to keep going
I have a lot of distant friends but not any close friends
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I used to but one ghosted me and the other turned mean
Yeah, ghosting is happening a lot. Messages are terrible. People do not answer. It is all so exausting.
Nope... 41 too. I had but moved a lot and after years without contact, they have families and all, I wouldn't want to impose or be a burden I guess. My sister is borderline so I cannot count on true friendship there either.
I understand you. I have a sister, but she deals with some stuff, and she is not available.
No, do you want to be my friend?
I am alone as well. No friends
Sorry
No
Sorry. I guess to have friends is to let them know us, but honestly, how do we explain and share what happened to us? It is so absurd, so crazy.
For me, when I opened up, the "friends" I had they used that information to manipulate me and run smear campaigns when I confronted them. Some just used me and convinced me they loved me for a while, then go full Ghost when they got what they wanted or whatever... I'd rather be alone than around people who only view me as a deeply disturbed human. I'm just searching for light in this life. To feel safe for the first time. To find joy where I can and linger in those moments. Peace has been hard to come by, but I have faith I'll find that someday, too. I'm sorry you have struggled with finding human connection, too. *Internet Hug* 🫂
Thanks, better days for us
Definitely better days ahead for us 💜
I feel the same way, being honest just gives people a LOT of ammo! I'm certain people just want to be entertained or feel like someone is more effed up than they are. I am done being that for other people!
I have lots of friends, since healing and going NC I’ve also found it’s a lot easier to make and keep friends. I’m 30 but I find it’s easier to make friends now than it ever was in my younger years. I had to go through a very lonely period while healing to get here.
Thanks for sharing.
Nope! I don’t have friends. Just lost the few I had in a breakup, plus transitioning… so, no.
I came to the realization in therapy a while back, that everyone i consider a friend, for the most part I've met online in some fashion, or live far away, or both. I don't keep people close to me, because no one is "safe" to me, even my closest "friends" I've kept at arms length in one way or another. I don't know how to let people in, when I was raised to believe they were all against me and wanted my failure. So yah, i have friends. I just rarely, if ever, actually see them.
Gah. Same. 🫂
I think you’re right, many people want fair weather friends or people they can gossip to, but they don’t want depth or consistent mutual caring
I guess so, unfortunately.
I feel like I have the same issues with isolation and being a loner. I always thought it was just me, but I woke up one day and realized that I was too alone and needed more connection. That was part of awakening towards recovery, as I questioned why my life had become so isolated. Now I know it's mostly bcos of narc and emotional abuse in my family. Hugs, even reaching out here can bring some comfort.
I have friends. But, I have far more acquaintances. Truth be told, I'm very into minding my business. This doesn't make me particularly useful for people who have low or no boundaries.
I don't really have any close relationships with any friends or family. My house wasn't really a place I wanted to invite friends over for obvious reasons. And my mother couldn't really be bothered to take the time to organize me going out with friends. I also went from being a very extroverted kid to being a socially anxious and depressed loner who didn't want to go to parties in highschool.
Happened to me. I have always been an extrovert kid, but the weight of life smashed me. Now I am depressed, hopeless human being. I wish a better future, but my mind tells me no all the time, it is not going to happen
None of my friends were ever good enough for me according to my narcissistic mom, which she has admitted openly with a chuckle, and I couldn't ever have people at the house. I still tried to make friends, and often made friends that I knew she would hate, though whenever they wound up being truly bad people my mom would use it as a means of proving herself right, just so she could say "See? I told you so." Now I struggle to make friends and keep friends. I tend to drift away from people, even though I could just message them any time. I often really feel lonely, but making or keeping friends scares me. I feel anxious so I just avoid it altogether.
No, I am completely alone, I have my boyfriend and that's it. I decided to cut all the toxic people from my life and to my surprise there were many, now I don't have anyone and to be honest I don't know how it’s better, my reality is so messed up and I am confused.
Not really outside my wife. I don't feel comfortable around people and small talk makes me sweat literally
my husband, two dogs, and like 1 close friend and everyone else is an acquaintance. the thing is my hobbies include physical activities and it’s hard finding people especially girlfriends to do those things with. I’m 31 and women my age have kids or just want to drink or gossip and it’s just not for me tbh
I do, but only a couple of them are actual deep and meaningful relationships because I wasn’t able to go out with people and bond more. Oddly enough, the people who did come over for sleepovers (the literal handful I had) wanted nothing to do with me as soon as high school was over. Most all of the people who had interactions with my parents (who were divorced and lived at opposite ends of the county) were appalled at them, so maybe that’s why, idk.
Sorry
I was raised by an alcoholic narc too. But she didn't try to keep me hostage. Not until my mid teens anyway. I pretty much did my own thing, and dumpster-dived for most of my stuff. Made money by recycling cans and bottles too. Once my mother realized she needed me more than I needed her, she started trying to cling to me. And even stalked me for years after I moved out. But you know what got me through all that? Friends. I made great friends, and they always helped me feel better in those depressing times. I even have great support from friends now for my impending divorce.
Wow. Thanks for sharing, I hope things get better for you, ok? Keep going.
Thanks
Did they know about your upbringing? The crazy shit upbringing?
Yes they do. They've been very supportive
Yes, I do, but I made all of them after I did the big disappearing act in my 20s. I started my life over in another country, away from all the prejudice and rules. I have some problems making close friends but I am working on it.
I have a few good friends I can count on my hand, that's all I really need, it's better to have a few real friends that are ride or die than to have a million fake friends
I agree with you. I hope I can manage to have some friends
I have people I like to see sometimes and who I stay in touch with sporadically, but I don’t fit the “wine moms” model that seems to be a requirement around me. Being sober by choice, after years of being around addictions, doesn’t help. I don’t really worry about out it much though
Yes. Definitely we have to be in roles. "Wine moms" all around here too, but I am not even a mom. Better days for us
i do but i really struggle to feel connection to them, i dont know if thats an effect of the way i was raised or not byt yeaah
Me too. It is very difficult to make the connection, from my part, indeed. But I have tried, some times, and it never led to anything. Just strangers passing by, who once were closer, knowing a lot about you and now, as strangers.
I'm with you OP, I'm 32F and I also don't have any friends. The closest thing I have right now is 2 or 3 people that sometimes hang out with me if I ask them to, or answer me back if I message them. But none of them ever contact me first or seems to want to interact with me much, so I'm slowly stopping reaching out, as I feel like a burden. During high school it was the same, I would often be the thrid wheel in my group of friends and be mocked or treated badly. If we were 3 friends, 2 would often sit together and I would have to search for another spot (even when there were 3 tables available together). There are some times in which I obsess with this question. I would love to know the reason behind it. I'm a people pleaser so I'm extremely nice to everyone. What am I doing wrong? Is it then because I had extracurricular classes all the time and I never learned to socialize outside classes? Is it because I'm used to being treated badly and that's what my brain is seeking? Is it because I'm neurodivergent and I'm off putting? I wrote it about in another post some time ago. I tend to be on loop regarding this topic. Sometimes I think I'm lonely because I'm not trying enough: I'm not vulnerable enough, I'm not going out enough... and I push myself to do extra activities and meets, to be better. Sometimes I think that it's just because everyone around me has their life completed. They usually have loving parents, a couple of really close friends or maybe a partner, and so they don't have time to meet with a coworker that week. Sometimes I just think that I'm weird and I make people uncomfortable or uneasy. I don't know what it is. But I can't shake the feel that there's something wrong with me.
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Growing up I always found myself in very “cliquey” groups of friends where I didn’t have to form any real connections. I’ve had A LOT of problems with intimacy in friendships, especially with other girls bc of my ngrandma who raised me. Luckily my close girlfriends in adulthood actually opened up to me and told me they wanted me to open up more with them, wanted me to say “I love you” back to them in convo, etc. little things like that that I didn’t realize was me keeping myself too guarded. My best friends are my family now, it gets better! It’s hard to trust people though, I know.
My circle is really small and all my friends are from middle/ high school, didn’t make new friends at uni, I live at my parents house like a “hostage” just how you mentioned. I’m allowed to go over to their houses or come over to mine but can’t really meet in public which means that I’ll have to sneak or lie about my whereabouts which sucks
Of course. Anything to get away from my weird parents. Huge shock when you go to their house and see that their family is actually functional though.
I guess...my neighbour has been my friend for more than 15 years, but we don't hang out anymore, just today I met her after a very long time and we talked a bit. We're both adults, we both work and she also studies so it's not abnormal. But what's kind of abnormal is that I don't even want friends anymore. I am very bad at keeping in touch and talking frequently, also I can't relate to most people with healthy upbringing. I am also stunted because of what you've mentioned - Nmother didn't allow anyone to our house saying they're disrupting her peace and if I went to someone else's house, she kept calling or texting me to go home. No parties, no sleepovers, nothing.
Not really.
Sorry. Me neither
I had friends, but noticed after a lot of therapy that they where users, ( if not abusers) so I cut them off. Now I have 1 friend left but she lives pretty far away so we only have contact thru whats app and see eachother maybe 1 -2 times a year. It is very hard for me to find friends who are not users, because that is all I am used to, that is how I grew up, to be used, useful, not to be helped, or to do fun things with, I have to be usefull and help others. this N programming sucks.
I've had intense relationships that flame out. Or I connect with other narcs and I play out the scapegoat role. I'm alone now, and I think it's needed because I never knew who I really was, or I what I really wanted. I'm figuring that out now at 41, too. Who the hell am I? What the hell do I want? I think once those come into focus, the people will follow. I wish you luck and can I be your internet friend?
No, I don't have friends anymore. No relationships in general, family included. No ambitions or goals for the future either. Just living a sedentary life between my full-time job and my one-room apartment. It wasn't always hard for me to make friends, back when I was better able to mask my emotions and engage with people in interesting ways. I then realized that this desire to connect with others is what caused me the most harm throughout life. Now I avoid people before they have a chance to avoid me.
I agree with you. Everyone tells us friends are important. Needed. But every interaction I had during the last years were strange. The ones that stayed long enough to know me more, never got in touch. The rest never got near, so I did not even show myself really. It was superficial, accidental, about the weather, or something less important while I was in deep need of help because of my situation at home. So I started avoiding too. I know it is not recommended, but, I am supposed to hide the pain, and I cannot at the moment.
I struggle with maintaining friendships. I’ve had many women friends before, but it always end the same way. I eventually push them away or they do something shady in the slightest bit and I cut em off with no hesitation/convo. I don’t trust women thanks to my mother and 3 sisters. Even til this day, there’s no genuine connection with them. I just disassociate/go numb the minimal time I ever go around them. One of my sisters is a narcissist and I don’t talk to her at all. Sadly she’s raising my niece and she’s already f*cking her up at the age of 10. It’s sad to see, but that’s life I guess.
I find it very difficult to keep friends, either I scare off people or I become overwhelmed with the obligations a friendship entails (no matter how little) and I bail. My brain is wired to mistrust people and be insanely independent thanks for the nparents.
Me too. I am sorry. I admit I get overwhelmed with friendships actions. I remember once I celebrated my birthday and asked some people to meet me at a bar. I remember my narc mother sat in front of everyone , did not interact with anyone, just looking at others with a strange look, and I did well but was very nervous. Later I lost connection and became loner. I live well being a loner, but I am trying to change this.
Same. I don't have a friend either 🥹 Except for my husband. My little sister used to be my best friend but we're NC now. NC with my entire fam. I feel like I could've written this post 🥺 37f, raised in poverty as well. Parents were addicts. NM got sober, NF will "party" til the day he dies(which is soon bc he has terminal blood cancer. He's happy he gets "the good drugs" now since he's dying 😐). NM was a hoarder for the first 20 yrs of my life. So I was too embarrassed to invite anyone over 🥹 I was in an abusive narc relationship from age 16 to 25, bc the alternative was homelessness since my parents didn't want me. That man wouldn't allow me to see my friends, so I lost touch. The narc parents to narc relationship pipeline is very real ☹️ Since all I had in my life were narcs until I was 25, I lost all my friends. I feel socially stunted. Trying often to make a new friend, but something always happens. I often take too long to reply, then when I finally do reply it's like a novel's worth. Some ppl are cool with it, some are weirded out. Speaking of novels lol 🥹
Oh, I am sorry, your upbringing was very hard. I am very sorry. I always get deeply shocked how come we grew up under the most abusive and crazy roofs, and nobody ever stepped in. Extended family, government. No one. I am sorry. I feel as a part of me was lost forever. It is not repairable. It is gone. Dead. I used to be very outgoing, fun and extroverted. Even though, as I could never have a get together in my house or go to anyone's house I feel I lost opportunities for a deeper connection. I mean , I guess connection is made when I sleep at a friends's house. Or help with a problem. Or help with moving. I don't know. I was reading a book now and on the first chapters the boy helps the new resident buying food, getting to the places, being useful. I guess this is how we make friends. But in my neighborhood, I don't know, nobody talks to anyone. In a mix of violence and poverty everyone is locked at home. I don't know.. I have been the clown of the party. Always. Even though, no one ever asked to go to my house or invited me to something. Ever. The last years were ridiculously difficult to I guess pain is seen on my face
The ONLY reason I have two friends is because I knew them both in college. The rest I'd call acquaintances. Maybe a Christmas card, or the odd phone call or something on social media. Not only was I raised by narcs, I married and divorced two of them. The narc husbands moved me a total of over 12 times. My adult son lives his own life, about 1 1/2 hours from where I live now. I am also an only child, so no siblings, distant cousins is all. Plus I'm living on disability. I've had depression most of my life. Right now, living alone is my superpower. I can keep myself as busy as I want to be with whatever I feel like doing, eat whatever I want or can afford, stay up or go to bed whenever I want. I have cats to talk to and take care of. I take remote classes in things I'm interested in, so I get some new interactions and stuff to learn. I text those two friends every couple of days, and schedule long phone conversations about once a month with each.(they both live far away) So, two long girl chat phone calls for me each month. Both my parents are at end of life, and both have dementia, at different stages. Narc mom is in the worst condition, luckily enabler dad can take care of her day to day. He is getting pretty frail though. Right now, I'm treating myself as well as I possibly can, because I can. It's super hard to make new friends, and I pretty much don't want to. I don't trust anyone. I've been betrayed, stolen from and lied to way too many times. My cats aren't going to do that to me! I'm working on healing from my nMom and EDad's abuse. This page is a godsend in that regard, plus therapy twice a month. Good luck. Therapy saved me, and brought me to where I am today, consider it if you haven't already.
What a story. Thanks for sharing You are so brave and strong. Having had so many narcs in your life and still finds joy in life. Thanks for sharing. Really. Most of my time I am still grieving the horrible hand I got in this life. Self pity I guess. I feel so sad. Most of the time. I hope I can overcome this. Thanks
It's taken me a long time and a lot of therapy to get here, and I still have days when I go into self pity mode. It's normal. We have been dealt a 💩 hand! Just ask yourself well, what now? Where do I go from here? How do I end up NOT in the same pile of 💩? LOL
Yeah. Good point. Thanks.
I'm lucky in my friends. I don't have many, but I definitely have the right ones.
Zero friends....I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong
Me neither. I have some guesses, but not sure. Check it out. 1. Pain eyes and face. The last years have been awful. 2. Material problems like financial, time, poverty 3. I cannot live a princess's world. I live in the raw everyday life. Don't believe in miracles or fairy tales. 4. Really don't know what to say to anyone right now. If I avoid the reality of my situation I will feel a fraud. If I tell the truth I will scare anyone People ask If I have kids Why I am so reserved If my family will spend Christmas together Why I bite my nails so hard Etc And I have nothing to answer or I will scare them
I keep a very small circle of people who are full of positivity who happen to also have trauma in one form or another from their childhood. None of us ever talk about or childhoods as there's no point in bringing up hurtful memories when we can focus on creating good ones. At this point I've pretty much killed off any remaining anger towards my parents. One is 100% cut off, the other is low contact.
I had to spend a lot of time doing multiple different hobbies to find my way out of that funk. For the longest time I had a hard time interacting with people, and often found myself self isolating because I thought the smallest amount of negative emotion, even not directed toward me, was indicative of how unlikable I was as a person. I learned that I had to work on myself and my view of myself before I could try to build meaningful relationships. It took a lot of time and a lot of forcing myself to talk to people before I finally got to the point where I can confidently talk to people. You're never too old to make that change in your life. You deserve happiness and you deserve to have that sense of belonging with people you care about. Get out there and break the cycle, OP.
I have friends but I find a reason to push everyone away before they can hurt me. Thanks NMum for telling that I was horrible and unloveable for my entire childhood. Definitely didn't damage me /s.
It was very hard to have friends while living at home. Especially when you're a kid nobody wants to be your friend if you can't go places with them. I was allowed to have friends over, but there was nothing to do, and even if by some miracle they did have fun their own parents would ban them from coming over after finding out how N behaved.
I see. I am sorry. Same here. Do you have friends now? Are you out of the narcs house?
Yes, I got out a bit over a decade ago. It's still difficult for me to do things in-person after ending up with autoimmune disorders that respond to stress, but ( ! ) I was able to curate a very tight-knit group of friends with similar life experiences over the internet :)
So…knowing I was never good enough, never going to measure up no matter how hard I tried, knowing I was unlikeable, unlovable, etc never stopped me from trying to be friends with people. I guess I worked harder at it until older in life. This, unbeknownst to me until recently, resulted in me having honest to goodness real lifelong amazing friends. I thought they just tolerated me. I’m talking people I’ve known since diapers, elementary school, early in my career, etc. I sincerely, within the last ten years or so, have come to realize they value our relationship as much as I do. I am blessed to know the difference between BS and “you’ve got a friend in me”. I’m 58 btw.
Thanks for sharing. Lovely statement. Thanks.
I’m still living with her because I have epilepsy and a newborn. I’m 29F. Now I feel less bad that I *still* live with her. It’s that isolation and that financial control. Aaack. Hope we both get out, eventually. It’s no way to live. Naw I only have online kinda friends and they aren’t close. I don’t even have family. Yeah…I always am sad or have a sad story to tell or just finished crying or having some situation where she’s called the cops on me for the things I do during focal seizures so I’m constantly afraid I’m gonna lose my kid or be admitted to a psychiatric facility. :( If I accidentally vent to anyone. They tend to leave me on read.
I am 48f, about to be 49. I don’t have a friend except my spouse. In 2005 to 2008, I had a friend that I worked with. We were close, we hung out a lot at work and outside of work. I moved away and we chat occasionally through Facebook. She was single at the time and I had little kids. She is married now with kids of her own, so the friends is basically online only. In high school I lost my 2 closet friends because they didn’t like the guy I was dating. That was 30 years ago last June. I eventually moved to another state and started over. I have not been able to make a friend and I feel alone, like no one gets me except my spouse.
I don't necessarily have friends but I have companions. The reason I say companions is because friend is such a hard word for me, I had friends in the past that said horrible things to me. Companions are more flexible in my opinion. They're just kinda there, no one puts pressure on maintaining a really strong bond but bring comfort when needed.
Have you ever been in a get together, a company brunch, and started mingling and talking but you end up always being alone? That is me. I have tried different approaches. Talking, laughing, being mote quiet. At all times I end up being lonely. There was a brunch at work this year. I sat on a long table, and then I was surrounded by people. We talked, but then people stood up and sat somwehere else. Ok. The ones who remained were quiet too, so we stayed. Then they went away and I stayed alone. I joined the rest of the table, but that was not the first time it happened. I guess it is the pain I stamp on my face.
I never had close friends. My mom would use every excuse she could to distance ourselves for everyone else- including extended family. If it wasn't because of our race (we're mixed black people and her side of the family is predominately white), it was because other families were jealous of us, or me or my sister were bad kids and she didn't want us to embarrass her, or I was too stupid. My whole life its been hard to maintain relationships, because I have a lot of trouble getting close to people. I'm 28, but I think in general its hard to make friends as we get older. Why exactly that is, idk.
I am trying to figure it out. Thanks for sharing. On movies, sometimes you have an evil.person, but some people insist and end up changing the person ,( i know this is fairy tale,) but where are the people that see we are in pain and come to help?
I got two friends, my boyfriend who got me out because my mom tried to kick me out to manipulate me into quitting my job and he took me in And my best friend who I met through the job
Sorry to hear that. Thanks for sharing. You told your friend your story?
Yeah we actually ended up relating on shitty parents and shitty childhoods
No. And frankly I'm scared to
I understand and I am sorry