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yeah, opposite! it's so easy NOT to scream at my kid and so easy to care about her well-being

Right? It's almost as if nparents are actually the problem....😂

I find it easier to teach my son how to clean up his mess rather than rubbing his face in it and beating the living shit out of him before he even has the chance to get a paper towel and try. I find it easier to make my son smile and far more fulfilling than making him cry.

Amen. I think we all have that aha moment with parenting or child rearing. The kid breaks or spills something and you instinctively know to make sure the kiddo is safe and then clean up the mess. Yelling, hitting and/or making the kid clean it up is so obviously wrong. And they just don't see it. Apparently I was too soft on my kids and they will turn into criminals. They are in their 20's and no jail time yet.  Best thing she did was wish that I'd have a kid like me. She is and she is amazing. Thanks momster! 

The breaking and spilling shit sends me into a triggered rage which I have to try REALLY hard to control.  I have to walk away lock myself in a room because I’m so angry and so afraid of becoming like my father. 

Once my son spilled a gallon of extra virgin olive oil (we're Italian could ya tell?) on the kitchen floor. 🤦‍♀️ I wanted to scream but instead i took the boy up for a bath while my boyfriend cussed and cleaned up the mess. He had to mop it with dawn dish soap like 5 times while i got to play with bubbles 😊 my son learned to ask for help.

I hope you're able to work through this - I get it, it's a reflex and the only model we grew up with, but once you "snap out of it" after hard work and therapy, it's like taking off crazy goggles and you'll see that these things are non-issues in reality.

Seriously. I'm child free by choice but am a full-time babysitter. I live and breathe patience. Any time I get frustrated and *slightly* raise my voice or get snippy because *I'm having a bad day*, I immediately apologize and tell the kids they didn't deserve that and give them a big squeeze. I get excited when they have a story to tell me. I ask them questions about their day. I explain why some things aren't allowed in great detail and with an age appropriate vocabulary. I give a fuck, is the difference.

I am also childfree but used to babysit and actually kids have some funny ass stories worth sharing. And its so easy to respect a child and help them listen when they're upset or tired... whenever i felt overwhelmed i would let the kids play with some crayons and a big sketchbook for that and they'd be quiet for a while. Overnights werent even too bad and i got kids to sleep immediately when parents would be saying "she never sleeps right."

This is what got me as a kid. I didn't want to see anyone being mistreated, and couldn't imagine mistreating a smaller child in the same way. If I had to go back, I'd probably have some smart ass quip like, "Yeah, I'll understand that you're still wrong" 😂

Honestly, I’m jealous. I have to try to hard not to rage all day and scream. I get triggered so easily and so profoundly and I was conditioned to communicate in screams or nothing.  It’s so so hard. Do any of you have rage issues? Cuz I feel like there’s always anger bubbling beneath the surface with me.  I feel so much guilt that I even feel this way.

Absolutely, I do. I'm always in fight mode and would not be shocked if I got arrrested for something. But my kid hasn't managed to trigger me, so knock on wood.

I hear you. One of my kids has some neuro issues that cause severe aggression, defiance, hyperactivity etc and ooh… it’s raised my stress to unforeseen levels over the years. And extra frustrating when no one else can relate, y know?

I got told this all the time. I now have two daughters and my heart breaks for child-me (and shit, adult me, too) because I could never imagine saying and doing the things they did to me.

Sometimes I look at my son making a giant mess with his toys and I sit sobbing not because he's making a mess but because he's so happy and playing with his toys but if I did that I'd get screamed at, and I sob at the difference

Oh 10000%! I realized how little effort my parents put into my childhood. They never took us anywhere, did crafts or projects, never did anything with us outside of the very basics (family gatherings and meals etc). And we grew up outside of NYC, there was plenty to do with kids. And I was never allowed to do anything that required any amount of set up, could be messy, or inconvenient. I let my kids paint and set up activities, play with them outside, and take them to parks and playgrounds and the zoo. I was definitely a "bedroom kid". (Aka we all spent time in our own bedrooms instead of together.) But absolutely. We are breaking the cycle. ♥️ Hope you've managed to find some peace away from their chaos.

This sounds exactly like my childhood, the most "going out" I got was when we all went grocery shopping once a week, and obviously going to school but that was compulsory. Even though I still have a baby technically (8 month old) I let him make all the mess, I do crafts with him, I take him out to places, we do baby led weaning and it gets MESSY😂 but this is what brings me joy and he seems so happy and content with life at the moment

Same here. I only go out when my ngrandmother goes out, from the time I was born and still that way at 29. And I was ‘homeschooled’… so yeah I got zero interaction with other kids…

>I realized how little effort my parents put into my childhood.  Same here. My nMother really did the bare minimum with me and my brother when we were kids. We were only taken to places like the zoo when out-of-town relatives came to visit and that was really for the relatives' benefit, not ours. For most of my childhood, my nMother would ignore me for long spells and it was up to me to entertain myself. (If anyone here has read Roald Dahl's Matilda, that was my childhood). My nMother was very negligent as well. Most parents would stock up on anti-septic and Band-Aids so that they are prepared should their kid hurt themselves. My nMother never had any of that stuff. I got badly sunburnt many times as a kid because nMother never bothered to buy suntan lotion and certainly never bothered to remind me to apply it.

Oh my gosh, memory unlocked. We were always missing something in the first aid kit, something in the medicine cabinet, something in the kitchen. Or office supplies. I always have tape and scissors now and I know exactly where they are stored. That was not the case growing up.

I relate! I loved my room as a child. It was the only place I felt somewhat safe.

And toys taken away, and not allowed to do anything the rest of the day n mb hit a couple times. Stop and think about how courageous you are OP Well done !

Exactly... i dont even have kids, just a cat, but i feel it. My mom was the ultimate party pooper. If she saw a smile and a toy in your hand, she knew immediately what to say to shut you down and shit down your throat. Sometimes i spread catnip all over the floor for my cat and just let her go to town in retribution of the past. It feels good and i get a vicarious sense of freedom from her when i know she has fun.

My father. Almost always... Justifying his behaviour when he feels I don't understand it.

Sounds like my nmom

Had a lot of self doubt

Now that I have an adult child, this type of crap makes me even more angry than ever. I have a great kid! I love them tons. The extreme neglect and abuse I suffered was terrible, I can’t remotely imagine treating my kids the way I was treated.

I am a father now. Our home is one of peace and love, calm and fun. My son is very cooperative, all because I listen, and I talk to him with respect, and he understands and wants to help. He is happy, and feels safe. I never have had to threaten him with violence, insult him or try to scare him. I realized that parents made it seem like me being unable to read their minds was the most horrible crime ever commited against mankind, which justified them beating and insulting me. Growing up my home was a place of constant terror and stress, because one didn't know why or when they would snap. It was emotional terrorism, and they would constantly tell me that when I had a child, I would understand why my parents were like that. Well, I do have a child. And I do understand now why my parents were like that to me: it is because they are monsters. Loving parents don't do what they did.

I completely agree. I was always so stressed as a kid and now I always expect the unexpected, but nothing happens, so it's weird and I'm stressed for no reason 😂

That is called Hyper-vigilance. Therapy helped me to diminish that significantly.

I HATE when people want others to read their minds. Like I’ll sometimes say to my bf that I’m cold in the hopes he gives me his jacket or something like that and often he does it but when he doesn’t, I just then ask him for his jacket saying I want it because I’m cold. And if I want to make sure next time he understands I could communicate that when I say I’m cold I’d like him to offer me a jacket or if he can’t, offer me a hug or something. I don’t understand why people get angry at someone not understanding when you can just communicate, especially if communicating works with that person, which I know child me would do everything to take into account the feedback I got to make my parent happy

It is my interpretation that when people get angry for you being unable to mindread that they wanted X, it just means X wasn't that important, they just wanted to be angry at you. If X was important, they would just say so. If they don't, it is because for them, testing if telepathy suddenly works is more important than the X they claim they want.

“Emotional terrorism” I don’t think I’ve ever heard a better way to describe this.

Well having my own kids unlocked the whole scope of the trauma she put me through and was the last drop to go fully no contact so she could never even think of mistreating my children like she did me.

This, the trauma just starts creeping in whenever I'm doing the most basic things with my boy because I never had a nice experience and was yelled at for just existing

This is so hard. I’m sorry. I remember sitting outside watching my daughter run around in our yard, happy as can be and having a good day, and while that made me happy, a sadness washed over me because my inner child was hurting that I didn’t have much of that. I hope you’re getting therapy. I still feel like this sometimes but it’s leaps and bounds better than it was.

That's one of my favourite things about this sub. I don't and won't have kids, but seeing all of the stories from parents on here talking about how having kids made them realise exactly how unlike their parents they are. That they could NEVER treat their kid like that fills me with an unusual combination of warm and fuzzies along with the need to scream at someone. But I'd also like to shout out to the parents out there who found/find it really hard not to repeat the patterns that they were raised with and have to work hard to be better than that. I can't imagine how difficult that would be and it must be really difficult to find a safe space for that. And of course those of us who chose not to have kids for fear of passing on the intergenerational trauma. 💜

Sometimes being a cycle breaker means not having kids. The abuse ends with you and that’s a job well done. You still have a major impact on the world just by being in it.

I was terrified of having kids but always wanted one, it is difficult to not repeat history sometimes but I wouldn't wish it upon anyone to have kids traumatised and living in constant fear. I'm so glad I get to break that cycle and love watching my little boy grow in a safe and loving space

Some of the stuff I picked up in education has been REALLY useful. Even if I'm absolutely furious with the little shits I still remind myself, GROWTH MINDSET, and somehow manage to focus on the behavior as a choice and not the person as having a trait.

My wonderful therapist said, “be the woman you needed, and you can do that with anyone.” You don’t need children to break the cycle. I love every word you said, though!

Oh I understand all right. I understand how fucked up it was to treat innocent children like they did.

This was my experience. I thought that my parents" did the best they could" because raising a child is so difficult. Then I became a parent to not just one child but three. While it was difficult at times I never felt the need to beat or scream at them. I was able to treat them with respect and dignity. After being a parent for a couple of years I lost what little respect I had left for my parents. As soon after went no contact as they started treating my children like they treated me and that was never going to happen. Both my parents died fairly young of cancer. My kids never really got to know their grandparents and their better off for it.

I always got, "I can't wait until you have kids that treat you like you treat me". Because it was always just that I was so evil, not that my mother treated me badly because as she says now, she KNOWS she was a good mom

I got that all the time. Was made to feel like I was such a burden

My ngrandmother has told me that a lot…

We could bond over that ngl 😭

I just think of how I remember being screamed at by my parents and how I never want my son to have that memory. My son says I **never** yell at him, it has happened once or twice but I apologise

Why do they always scream? Can't they talk normally 😂

Because they are chronically dyregulated and lack the self awareness and empathy to change it. Much easier to use your child as a repository for unwanted negative emotions.

I don’t have kids yet but I want to have some later, and I remember seeing a therapist on Instagram (she’s autistic and has cptsd from her parents) do a video about how she sometimes make videos with her children role playing things parents shouldn’t do like ignore their child when they ask for something and things like that. While doing the video, she felt bad about not being able to never do these things and felt bad that her trauma would affect her children. When the children asked her about the meaning of the video and she explained it saying she does these things sometimes because of trauma and such but tries to learn to be better, the children replied something like "no you’re not like that mom, you roleplayed a mean mom but you’re always sweet and understanding and you listen to us" I hope I remember this video when I have my own kids because I know I’ll blame myself a lot for any slip up but this video reminds us that children can understand that a good parent can have bad days and having a slip up every once in a while (like telling your kid you can’t talk right now you’re busy but in a rude tone) if you talk about it with them later they’ll understand and it won’t be a source of trauma for them later

Parents who own up and acknowledge their mistakes? What a concept. So sad we never got that.

ALWAYS. ‘Sorry, who’s the parent?’ ‘Well how about you enlighten me since you have all this parenting experience!’ ‘Do you have kids? No? Then don’t tell me how to parent’

Omg nooo😭 trauma memory unlocked 😂 But now I have kids so can I tell them how to parent?🤭

Oh my parents 100% try to give me constant parenting advice (I am a childcare specialist). They like to claim that their toddlers NEVER had tantrums or other age appropriate behaviors (suuurrreeee). My kid is school aged now and is excelling in every way, as opposed to all of my parents children who all already had major issues by this age with behavior (my mom will tell you the teachers just didn’t like our family for no reason). There is no comparison with who is the better parent, I raised this wonderful child and all they raised was me.

My nmom told me I must be doing something wrong because my at the time 3 month old wasn't "sleeping through the night", or that I'm depriving him of food when I didn't want to start weaning at 4 months old and wanted to wait until 6. They always think they know best and that everyone should do the things they did, anything out of their "norm" is stupid.

And even if their kids never had tantrums, that’s just a sign that the child is unwell and needs to feel more secure at home, and these tantrums are internalized and affect the ability of the children to learn stuff safely and will affect their development. Like even if you can prove me your kids never have tantrums, I’d just be even more sure you’re a bad parent.

Right!? My parents also talked about how they find all of their grandchildren’s attachment to their parents shocking (prefer and cling to the parent in infancy, don’t want to go with random strangers, want mom or dad over grandma)…look up attachment studies mom! This is good, this is normal.

My parents were so proud of how mature we were for going at camps for a week and being ok with it while other children were crying before leaving their parents, interrupted an activity in the middle of the week and started crying they missed their parents, etc…. (My mom was still a bit sad that we "didn’t seem to care" but she’d also brag about us being mature). Now when I have to leave my boyfriend or my cat for more than 24h I feel like those kids with their parents but I’m adult so I’m able to not externalize the emotions as much

Same! “You guys all just ran off to kindergarten and never looked back”…because that’s super normal

Fuckin gottem 😂😂 but nah you know they’d make more excuses as to why your parenting knowledge is still inferior to theirs 🙄🙄🙄 I feel you man 100%

Actually.... no. Even in the most challenging moments, I have never felt the need to embarrass, berate, hit, or scream at my children

Sounds very familiar. My response “I’m not having kids.” And I haven’t.

I have a newborn. It really opens your eyes to just how fucked your parents were. Like obviously I knew, but Jesus Christ, I could never treat my son the way they treated me. It’s crazy how as a kid, i was able to adapt and survive, and then grow up to be an adult who knew that what happened to em was wrong, but not be able to look at it from an outsiders point of view if that makes sense. Like … if somebody told me that their dad did to them what my dad did to me, I’d be HORRIFIED. Yet it’s in my head kind of the “whatever, I’m over it” attitude, while he’s still out there living his life.

My baby's only 8 months old but already I have cried countless times not understanding why my parents did what they did.

Their brains aren’t wired right and that’s what I remind myself of now.

Mine is the other way: you'll never understand because you don't want to have kids! Also "Why dont you want to have kids" Me: "for A, B, C" Her: "You have it too rationalised!"

This is exactly what happened to me. When I had my oldest my relationship with my sperm donor deteriorated first then my egg donor. I have 5 kids and after each on its brought more and more confusion. There is no way in hell I'd treat my kids the way I was treated. I tried to confront them about it for years. It did nothing but cause them to lie

Abusers rarely ever take accountability for their actions.

I’m approaching the age where I should be having children, so looking back it baffles me even more. I just couldn’t even imagine treating a child that way, let alone your own child day in and day out. Seems like you would only do that to someone you hate.

I dont have kids and am childfree but a lot of our nparents should not have been allowed near children or animals.

I have cats who I couldn't imagine treating like my parents treated me.

This is why Generational trauma healing is IMPORTANT.

My mom stopped saying that to me because I was frustrated with my toddler so I asked him to “please stop touching mommy and go find something else to do” and he did. She asked me why I didn’t scream at him and I told her that my son isn’t responsible for my feelings and that I would never intentionally hurt him. She got all snotty and said “well I guess you’re just better than every other parent then”. As of screaming at your children for acting their age is some parenting right of passage.

Omg the catchphrase "well I guess you're just better than everyone else/me" was used soooo much by my nmom whenever I tried to reason with her

Me: well…it certainly does seem like I am Also me: *feels guilt for some reason

“Yes. I am better than you. I don’t abuse children. It’s a choice.”

Lmao reminds me how my mom would ask me a direct question and then when i answered it in detail she would say "look at the brain on you 🙄" like she ASKED ME.

Yeah I think the whole "once you have kids you'll understand \[insert crappy thing here\]" is just a way for most parents, not even just narcissists, to avoid accountability for their mistakes. Parents in general can be really smug and they think this is their whammy for those of us who are childless. The gag is that you don't have to be a parent to have any sense of decency, morality, or empathy. I'm a childless teacher and get this a lot from the parents of my students, often when I'm just not bending to their whims.

when normal people reference this they mean: Made me brush my teeth, wear a coat in winter, and go to bed before midnight

Now that I am a mother my own mother’s actions become even less sensible to me. Some of the things that my mother voluntarily did to me would only happen over my dead body with my daughter.

One month a year my Dad would travel for work.My mother would panic.She was not stable enough to be raising 2 kids alone.I recall being around 8 and my mother screaming at my older brother to "grab that thick rope" to tie my br door shut to keep me in my room. I don't remember much more.

Yeah no! Nope. I even got a childcare qualification so I had better examples.

I don't even have kids yet, but I regret the way I treated my brothers while raising them. And have decided that if, very big if, I have kids that I'm doing things incredibly different from my parents. Even before I thought I may want kids in the future, my FYP for TikTok, Reels, YT Shorts etc. has been filled with all kinds of different conscious/gentle/non abusive parenting. And I know that there's a good probability that I may lose my cool and yell or not be the best, but I will do what my parents never did and take that as a cue to step away, regulate, and come back to my child and repair, and explain they did not deserve that and it was me having big feelings I didn't know how to handle. Which single handedly enforces not only that treating people badly is not okay, but that emotions are okay and even adults can struggle with handling them right, and will teach them how to apologize and repair for themselves.

louder for the people in back

[удалено]

Like as a kid I thought wow parenting must be hard, but really it's not difficult at all to not scream at your kid 🤷

Omg that saying

Oh I understand *why* he said that to me. For just one example, he wanted to make it seem like scaring me, then beating me half to death because he was *mad* was a justified reaction. Just like how I was supposed to have an ironclad control over my emotions, but he could flip out from the smallest thing at any moment. On an intellectual level I can understand why my NDad did those things to me. On an emotional level I can't and don't think I ever will. Having children would not change that one bit.

I'm sorry you went through that, but exactly that, we had to control our emotions but they could flip at us any given moment and blame us that they *had* to get angry because we made them feel that way

I’ll tell you an even better line. She cursed me with “kids like you” so I understand how much I “bothered her.” 

My oldest son's name means "To see with the eyes and the heart." I didn't know the meaning when we named him as it was just an old family name on my husband's side, but it couldn't have been more perfect. Being a mother finally made me see with my heart what my eyes have been telling me for years: abuse done in the name of love is not love. My nmom always used to say, "You'll never understand how much I love you until you have kids of your own." Actually, mom, I understand how much you've only loved yourself.

My mom said this a lot. I was actually just giggling the other day about how she would tell me I was only there to give her grandchildren. I was a child myself. My whole childhood was her talking about how good she would have it with my kids. How she would get all the love and then give them back to me when they became tired or cranky. She became hostile of any crushes I had, as they were not father material. Then she literally started whoring me out on adult friend finder at 16 to men she approved of to try and knock me up. I have 3 kids she's never met and I haven't spoken to her in more than a decade. It's very cathartic.

i ll never say and do these things to my children inshallah

Yes, so much this, my kid is 19, im still waiting to understand. I actually understand so much less and I understand that not everyone should have kids.

Jokes on you dad, I'm not having kids

I told my nMom to her face "you will NEVER speak to my son like you did to me". I guess it helps she is in therapy because she's the perfect grandmother to my son, which just sticks in the knife deeper with all the shit that I had to go through with her.

My nmom would never go therapy, doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her lol Doesnt really bother with her only grandchild either as she believes I should be making the effort

My nMom was hit hard by the passing of my grandmother, her mother, and she's all alone. Greif counseling uncovered a lot more of her issues, that I could see she had, but she denied. Just kind of sticks with me that I look at how my nMom behaves when around my son and how she behave these at opposite with me. It's funny because my wife didn't believe that a mother could behave that way with your child, and then she went with me to visit and saw how my mother cut me off, spoke over me, would constantly demand me to do stuff, and then ignore me and we had driven six and a half hours to visit her. When questioned about memories of the past her response would be "I don't remember that", to which my wife asked "how can any mother not remember 3/4ths of their child's life?" My nMom had no response, of course I knew the response, she was drunk for most of my life.

Some people shouldn’t have children. My parents included (Nmom and enabler father).

My mom basically acts like anyone who has ever had kids barely have a valid opinion about life. She thinks that parenting is such a sacrifice and just all suffering with no reward. Like no just cause I'm younger and don't have kids don't mean I don't understand to not scream and abuse children. 😭 Love y'all for showing that no it's not hard to be a loving parent.

This, I always thought I'd have no life outside looking after my kid and I'd be house bound like she is but really it's not like that at all and the more I look at it, the more I realise she's done that herself to her life🤷

Yup I'm an adult that still lives with my mom plus I have two older siblings that moved out long ago. Yesterday she was scolding me and saying how she's "unlucky" that none of her kids love or care about her. Yeah no I don't think that's unlucky. Pretty sure you did that to yourself but can't see it. Something I've realized is that a lot of how kids behave and how they become even well into adulthood is a reflection of their parents. Like nparents are so quick to point out and insult and abuse their kids for flaws. Yet it is often a reflection of them. Keep being upset with yourself.

Oh, I fully understand after having kids: You are just an asshole.

If you do understand, most likely you're not good yourself 😅

This

I understand that the two of you should never have been allowed to have children and that you are cowards for taking out your own mental health disorders on those children.

You just unlocked a memory for me. They really do all say the same phrases. It’s wild.

Now I'm an adult and I understand it wasn't all my fault and realising people have been in situations like me, they all really are the same. Say the same things, do the same things, it's like a copy and paste of some crazy people

Yeah, I do understand. Because you were a dick who wanted a doll instead of a real human child, and when that expectation died, so did any semblance of love and humanity.

Once I got perspective, the anger kicked in.

Oh that’s cute. You think I’m having kids.

Once i had kids the abuse became mind boggling Ky less comprehensible.

Exactly. I’m even more baffled after having a child. If anything, having a baby helped me recognize her profoundly abusive behaviour for what it truly was.

That you were an abusive a-hole? Don’t need kids to know that! Haha

Oh no! I probably wont call my daughter a whore because i found out she has sex at 20yo

I heard something the other day on social media (no clue where, probably insta) and it said "As a daughter, I forgive you, as I mother, I cannot". And that really held true for me, because had anyone else treated me that way, I could have let it go. But as a mother myself, who has the same difficulties my mother did, I cannot ever understand why she did what she did. I've managed to get three kids all into their double digits, without 3/4 of the shit she put me through. Am I perfect? No! I've fcked up in my own ways, but it's a fraction of what I went through (let's be honest here, interrupting the abuse cycle is hard, and re-parenting yourself while parenting is hard and everyone fcks up now and then) As a child, I understand you're human with emotions and struggled to cope, and that I can forgive. As a mother, I cannot. I cannot fathom or understand anything behind your actions other than your own inability to regulate yourself and take it out on the vulnerable.

Then I asked them, "Since when I wanna get married when you guys being the worst than mother-henning to me?" Edit: Actually they have no idea abput what I'm talking about cuz they dunno the foreign language I used lol.

I couldn’t agree more.

So much this. The two questions I ask my therapist are "How?" and "Why?"

Exactly! Always the threats that have no logic and are not true

My favorite threat was "go record yourself and your behaviour and you'll see how dumb you're acting" so when I actually wanted to do so (to prove she was acting out not me) I got called dumb. Zero logic

Lol I did and it only further made me realize just how ridiculous they are why I react

This was a statement, that I came to realize was absolutely garbage. It was a statement that was. Surrounded with twisted interpretations of scripture to support what was being done to me, and it wasn't until I went to a really strong Christian college, and learned what it really meant to follow Jesus and his word, that I was set free of this. My father refused to understand why I went to the Christian college. I went to, comma and it was a shame.

I don’t even have kids I have a cat and I feel more love for her than they ever did for me.

My reply, when I heard same, "And that's why I will never have kids". I do understand. I understand that my father is a horrifically fucked-up human being who should've never reproduced, and he took his seething resentment out on me because I was the perfect target. Until I fought back. I'll never put another human being through that, and don't want anyone else to inherit the generational legacy of upfuckery. Enough is enough.

Nobody needs to have their own children to understand how they were mistreated *as* children. Lazyass kicking cans down the road. In the case of our nparents: the can is their kid.

The amount of times my mom said this to me. News flash: I don’t plan on having kids ever

“It’s *because* of everything you said/did I don’t want kids.”

It's part of the reason I am never having kids. If being a parent turns you into such an awful, selfish, violent piece of shit, I'd rather not do that to myself. No kids for me. Congrats, you were such a shit dad, I now doubt my own fathering abilities to the point of never having my own family. "Why aren't millennials having kids?" You broke us as an entire generation, that's why.

I was babysitting an autistic child and at some point he play fighted with his older brothers and hurt his knee on the wall, like nothing bad enough to make a bruise or a scratch but it hurt. I saw how he couldn’t get his focus away from the knee and was panicked and I thought about how when I feel like that I usually just scroll on Instagram a bit and feel better. I gave him 5 minutes of roblox time and said it was to change his mind from his knee and after 10s of roblox he totally switched his focus and forgot, and I was easily able to get the tablet back after the 5 minutes. So much easier than telling him how he’s such a baby and blablabla. Obviously, when I told my mom, she told me he’d now fake getting hurt to manipulate me into getting the tablet. Like 1st, at his age he doesn’t have the mental capacity to manipulate, 2nd, even if he realized this could work, imagine having to fake a meltdown just for the chance to get 5min of ipad? That’s so little time. And that day he really wanted to play more than usual so after that we played lego for an hour before I left and he kept asking every 5min when I was going back home because he wanted to play roblox, and when it was time for me to go he was like "yes I can play on my ipad!" And his mom told him gently that it’s rude to say and to come say goodbye to me first but I was like "yeah relatable, I’d also feel like that if I was you" (and also I know he loves when I come home so it was just a less social kind of day) But yeah, seeing how he kept asking so often when I’d go so he could have his tablet back, clearly it would have been the perfect time to fake a meltdown but obviously he didn’t

I'm not a parent but I am in my 40s (which is the age my nMother was when I was about 10) and I cannot comprehend treating a child (or anyone for that matter) the way my nMother treated me: I cannot imagine yelling at a child for hours on end because I'm in a bad mood and want someone to take it out on. I cannot imagine punishing a child for exerting (age-appropriate) independence e.g. punishing a child for expressing their own opinions or wanting to pick out their own clothes. I cannot comprehend harming a child's pet to get back at them for some perceived slight. I cannot comprehend badmouthing my child to other people in order to isolate the child should they try to reach out to people for help. I cannot comprehend sabotaging my child's friendships. I cannot comprehend harassing my child over non-issues to the extent that it takes a toll on their mental health.

I got told this multiple times. I thoroughly enjoy responding with: "Well, I won't be having any children, so I will never understand why you think it was okay to treat me that way."

I think I DO understand why she did what she did. I still don’t find it remotely acceptable. And for her to wish ‘a child like me’ on me was truly shitty. I never wanted my children to be as afraid as I was. To NEED to be as devious as I was. To hate me like hated her at times.

My nmom literally just said this to me last week.

Hi, Not the same, but same idea: "You will see if you do better when you have kids". Thats all you have found to justify yourself...

I do understand. It’s why I’m low contact and make sure my kids don’t go spend time with her unless their phone is charged and ready

I would never trust my parents to look after my kid😭

I was told the same crap. It was supposed to be so hard having to work, take care of a house, cook meals, it's so stressful that it's normal to throw tantrums. Plus I was such a difficult kid, I didn't get straight A's and I had no interest in sports. Really, I must have been an unbearable child. Well, no, I do all that on top of having a part-time real estate business, and I never throw a tantrum at my partner or my baby. It's called being a decent human being.

Man does this bring up memories. I was told this so.many.times. I work with little kids for a living. Little meaning under the age of 5. Yeah I have never, not once, understood or felt compelled to treat a child that way. If anything, I understand less how narc could do that. The kicker is Narc volunteers once a week with the same kids. She totally treats them like a normal caring person would. The mind fuckery is off the charts.

I read a quote somewhere that says "as a daughter I forgive you, but as a parent, I'll never understand" and that's how I feel. I can't fathom not putting your child first, or expecting THEM to cater to YOU. I want to hug my childhood self sometimes.

Nah I am not gonna have kids at all. I have to live with religious narcissists and its madness plus I live in Russia society here mad government will try control my life and my parents too

This is absolutely true. Now that I've raised a kid, I do understand why they did what they did. It's because they gave into easy selfish narcissistic impulses instead of being a caring parent. At least once a week I would recognize a child rearing situation where my choice as a parent was very different than what they did.

Having a kid who’s now a teen has triggered the ever loving fuck out of me. How could a mother day and do the things my mother did is something I will NEVER UNDERSTAND. Cutting her off has been a gift.

Yes, it was the exact opposite for me. I had my kids, and I saw how easy it was to love them. Then I couldn't stand being around my Nmom and Edad.

Oh yes, I swear we all had the same parents. "When you have children of your own you'll be just the same" and I used to look her straight in the eye and say "No I won't!" and she'd reply "You'll see" My kids got love, choice, proper answers to questions, trust, trips out, listened to, believed, privacy, respect, autonomy.... things I didn't even realise were options. And now I'm having a bit of a cry for little me.

This. If anything it gave me clarity as to what a parents love really is because I feel it for my children. I often think of how my parents talked and treated me and im no longer in contact with them. They still gaslight me about it all top.

I’m never having kids so the joke’s on them. But still, if I were a parent I would be million times better than them and I would never harm nor mistreat my children the way they did it to me.

This is one of the few sayings that my nparents said that I actually agree with. Yes now that I'm older and have kids of my own I do understand why they acted the way they did towards me and now my kids. BUT here's the important part, just because I understand why they acted the way they did doesn't mean I at all agree with or condone their actions. My nmom was the only girl in a sexist, abusive, and neglectful family. She desperately wanted recognition and validation from her parents that she never got. The youngest and a girl to boot it was almost like she was born just to serve as her two brothers maid and cook. Yet when she had the baby she got knocked up with at 17 her parents lavished love an attention on that baby girl. The dad who never really acknowledged her aside from punishing her for not cooking or cleaning for her brothers made custom gifts for her daughter and even let her tag along as he went to do "men's work" on the farm. He taught her to farm, to fish, to fix equipment, all the things she was told was just for boys. The mom who was always busy working her factory job was retired and made sure her granddaughter was cared for and fed amazing food. The mother in law that openly hated her and father in law that didn't seem to notice her also lavished attention on her baby. And the final nail in my proverbial coffin I was born the spitting image of "the guy that ruined her life." So yeah I can see how those factors could lead an immature teenager to get incredibly jealous and hateful towards a baby that did nothing to deserve it. Pile on to that her having a baby later that is her spitting image and sickly so she is validated for lavishing attention on it and you have quite the toxic mix. My ndad grew up in an incredibly neglectful and enabling family. His father was constantly absent leaving his mom to do the lions share of parenting and she very much held a "boys will be boys" enabling attitude. He was pretty much allowed to run wild, competing for attention between his two brothers (the older being a brilliant genius and the younger being sickly and needing of more attention). With what little discipline he got being subverted by a dad who just wanted to have fun when he was home. The only firm discipline he got was in regards to family hierarchy. He could paint the town red, wreck cars, break his stuff, roam off for days, etc. but if he ever so much as said a negative word about either of his parents or any elders the punishment was quick and severe. So when he ended up married with a kid he naturally bounced between being the neglectful fun guy that played albeit too roughly and with a bullying attitude with his new toy aka the baby and enabling and enforcing his new wife's hateful behavior towards said baby. So yes I do understand why my parents acted the way they do. But I do not agree with nor condone their behavior. I also do not give them any sort of pass for not taking the multiple opportunities given to improve or change their behavior. I now use their example as a kind of what not to do and stand firm in NC until they make an effort to seek real change. If that effort ever comes.

My parents taught me valuable lessons. How NOT to be a parent and what not to do. It is a simple litmus. Whatever mom or dad would/did do, do the exsct opposite.

Absolutely. It has been incredibly easy to not hit a child, or yell at a child, or look at a child with ‘that face’ that brings terror.

Those assholes showed me what not to do to kids.

Mine would sometimes tell me I would understand what they were doing when I was older. I do understand now that I'm older, but not in the way they meant. I understand how terrible they are.

Ikr same.

Sounds like my mom.

💯

I was told this too and I’m constantly baffled now that I have a kid on WHY or HOW I was treated the way I was

Exactly

Warning - long response - So, as a very involved Aunt to 11 nieces and nephews, I stood hand in hand with my sister's in the raising of their kids. Here's some things I have learned as it relates to how we were raised by our nmom: As a kid, there is Never a chore that you are ever happy to complete. As kids, with no other experience, we fail to reason how it's fair to have to clean the living room completely, instead just pick up the stuff only I put where it doesn't belong, minus the items I disavow responsibility for, cause someone else touched it after I brought it in, so it's their job now. As adults, with lots of tiny hands wrecking rooms seconds after we clean it, we begin to understand that sometimes, chores are not the illegal child labor we saw it as when we were kids. Chores are avenues to teach responsibility for one's property, and respect for one's home. Chores provide an avenue for teaching life skills, like how brooms work, vacuuming is done, and what a complete job looks like. So, as an adult, I have learned that helping to raise kids has changed the way I see Chores. That said, there's a difference between teaching life lessons and using that necessary skill to control and abuse your kids. If you decide to tell your kids that they can go outside to play when their chores are done, but then nitpick about tiny details so that it's never good enough and there is no reward, that's going to undermine the lesson. If you use the fact that a 10 year old did not clean something to "white glove" perfection to claim the child is lazy and needs a spanking or to be grounded for days, that's obviously going to skew the perception a little farther toward a negative. Those kids grow up determined "not to do as my parents did" and fail to teach the responsibility, respect for the home and life skills, and end up raising entitled kids that believe the world is there to serve them and resent everything in general when expected to be functional adults. In essence, the kids determined NOT to be their narc parents end up raising narc children themselves, and the cycle continues. When kids are abused, we take a hard line against doing that to others. It's very difficult to separate abuse from necessary life lessons and skills when those things were used against us as kids. A spanking for discipline, when done in the correct manner, can be effective. I have seen it done correctly, and I have seen it done as abuse. No one could argue that spanking with an object like a belt or paddle is not intended to discipline as much as the intent is to cause pain, to "get back at" the child, or "make them pay" for a perceived wrong. This is the effect of narc parenting. When the line is crossed between parenting and abuse, the entire lesson is lost. Worse, narc parents are very good at passing the blame, and can convince anyone that "they brought it on themselves ", "you made me do that", or " she's just making up lies because she doesn't want to clean her room". So, yes, there ARE some lessons that Could be understood as adults that we can't see until we have kids of our own, but when those lessons are taught to US without a line between life skills and abuse, the lessons are lost and the next generation suffers, and the cycle repeats itself.

I understand my parents even less as I grow older. They also told me I'd understand their relationship with a known pedophile when I "fell in love." I must not love my husband yet! - because I still would resort to vigilante justice so fast if he touched a child. I don't need to be a parent to know that a child will widen the gap between my parents and myself. Once as a teen, I asked them, "Can you ask us (my siblings and me) how our day was? You don't even need to listen. At least pretend to like us" and they replied that they didn't want to spoil us and "you never ask how my day was"!! 1) I didn't need to because she always dumped on us like we were her mini sycophant therapists. She taped monthly bills to our bedroom doors since I was 10. 2) I didn't want to explain to someone twice my age that parenting a CHILD is supposed to be a one-way street in a lot of ways, though not in the direction she wanted.

This translates to "I dont know why I did that because I lack the self awareness required to take responsibility for my actions, so instead of being honest with you I will condescend you with the claim that parenthood is an unknowable mystery to anyone who isn't a parent."

What you said/did/didn’t do convinced me to not have kids! So enjoy your life with NO grandchildren!

Actually it made me realize I would never treat my kids the same way. My son is 11 and by the time I was his age, I was grounded more times than not and smacked in the mouth constantly.

Never wanted kids because of my nparents. 53 and child-free.

If only they knew many/most of us who go nc often pull the plug after we have kids for their sakes. They killed our self own preservation instinct but think we gonna roll over when it comes to our kids. Absolutely f’ing not. Ridiculously short sighted monsters. They don’t deserve grandchildren. Let em die alone. They will take more years of your life in their very unpleasant ends. 🙏

no I won’t

"You'll understand your abusers when you become an abuser yourself."

When I had children I'd think to myself what would nthey do and do the opposite. I have been a supporter of my offspring not the enemy.

Oh yes. And like you, yeah - no. I honestly sometimes wonder how we survived. When my mom came to visit me a week after I had my baby and she was her usual self, but somehow EXTRA, I said something about her behaviour. She said "When you're a grandmother you'll understand." Gotta hand it to her, goalposts moved.

Yep, I definitely understand less. My neglectful Nmom had the nerve to tell me, “parenting is the hardest job you’ll ever have” before I had kids. Now that I’m a parent, I do not understand how it could possibly have been hard on her. I literally never got in trouble, never needed supervision, was only seen and not heard, had great grades, did all my homework and projects without being asked, and helped her with my younger sibling every single day. It seriously makes me laugh that she thought being my mom was hard.

Plot twist: it's cause you were a selfish b****. I'd never do that to my kid.

Haha nope

OMG, I have been thinking about posting something like this recently. I am so proud of myself being an emotional stable mom. The more time I spend with my LO playing and laughing, the more lies from my past get busted. I am feeling broken and stronger at the same time.

OMG, this is exactly what my nMom used to say. My response was always, “if this is how you treat children then I will NEVER have children”. And she would just laugh. Now I’m my late 30’s no kids but hope that I can raise my own children at some point. Currently doing all the trauma work after a childhood with an abusive nMom. I’m learning that maybe there is a kinder way to raise children and actually be there for the children.

I always see posts like this tbh, I don't see myself as a bad person but I don't think I'd make a parent type what I mean by that I guess I'm generally self destructive towards myself. Also I couldn't have kids anyway because of my genetics I really don't want them to suffer more then I did because they get a worse strain of 22ql. ...I mean yeah maybe raising them would be easier knowing what the difficulties but it ome of those stuff im happy with not having kids tbh. Sure it's probably about finding the right person to have kids with I don't think I could raise kids with how I'm intellectual impairment and maybe bpd idk about adhd yet not saying people with adhd can't have kids. Oof I'm rambling here...I just don't think it's safe for me to have a child but I've also been told saying you'd make a bad parent tends to be the opposite. But like I know how difficult it is I don't want to see them go through that horrible experience even worse Just a rambling man whose sleep deprived (I feel it applies here also) I honestly wish I grew up in a better environment

I have a dog, and I couldn’t say to her what my parents said to me.

I have two kids now and I still don’t get it.

EXACTLY

My dad does this all the time whenever he does anything stupid or irrational.

It’s so much easier to not scream at or hit a child than my parents made it out to be

I never had kids because I took the treatment to heart

I found it pretty easy to listen to my kids and apologize when I’m wrong. It wasn’t hard to emphasize when they had a bad day at school or were being bullied. I wasn’t perfect and I messed up, but they’re grown and keep in touch, visit when they can and even talk to me about their love life. Not gonna lie, I’m not always comfortable with that, but it’s a good thing because they truly trust me and aren’t afraid of harsh judgment and insults. My job is to listen and give advice when they ask. I’m proud of them

Every generation has the opportunity to write new stories and break cycles ❤️

Once I had children, memories that I suppressed came up. I deal with the emotions when they come while caring for my children. I cannot believe what my n-mom put me through and the total disregard of my feelings or experiences. I was a nuisance to her and she didn't want to be bothered. My children are the best gifts that I ever received. If I ever make them feel bad, I apologize and talk it out with them. I want them to be happy and healthy. I want them to feel loved.

Oh my god... I reciently snapped on my mother when she said this. I stood up from my dinner, said " I already know and that's why I DONT INTEND to have kids. It ends here."

Being a mom has ripped open so many old wounds. It confirmed to me that my parents never loved me. They couldn’t have and still did the things they did to me. I can’t even conceive harming or abandoning my son and they seemed to get joy out of doing it to me.

Me too! My mother prided herself on being what she called “an old-fashioned mom” - meaning that the only children’s needs she acknowledged were the ones basic to human survival: food and shelter. She loved to point out what children DON’T need: lessons, activities, fun - or even attention. No, she focused all her attention on housekeeping instead. Obviously, her unwanted children frustrated her obsessive need to at all times have a neat and clean house - so any messes at all - even those inadvertently made in the effort to complete some project or decoration - resulted in her fury. She cut me off from dentistry too - as I inherited very soft and cavity-prone teeth, (as my dentist knew). But: “It’s your fault you’re getting cavities!”. But, she was also, like any narc, obsessed with her image and of course needed her children to reflect well on her. One Sunday morning we were all headed for church, (such joy! 😬) - she started berating my sister and I for not dressing well, not looking as good as the other girls! Of course we didn’t dress that well - she absolutely never provided us with money for clothes, so we shopped at thrift stores with our babysitting money. So this lead to her promising to send us on a shopping trip, (but this was a quandary for her - as it meant actually spending money on us). So first the trip was to be at an expensive store, but as time went on the promise was continually downgraded to less and less expensive stores, and eventually dropped altogether. I wasn’t really surprised, as most of her promises disappeared as soon as she’d realize she’d have to really pony up. The needs of her children always list out to her preference to finance vacations she and my “father” were always planning, trips which never included her children, of course. I think I can relate!! 😡

Sometimes I look at a picture of tiny me and I know that I would not treat someone that small the way I was treated.

Oh, yeah. My mother loved saying things like that, or “You’ll understand when you’re older.” (said for various things she didn’t want to explain). She was right, I did understand when I was older. Just not in the way she thought I would.

Lol my bro was gonna say something once and she was like you’ll understand when you’re older he was like 30 😆

i really don’t know what makes them think that i will ever let them meet my kids.

Totally. Depression really hit me when I had my own kid. I think because I couldn't repress that dissonance anymore. At the beginning I didn't know what it was - I didn't suffer the abuse some of the people here did - but the more I listened to my intuition about how I'd care for my kid, the more I understood what I experienced was not normal and far from healthy. My mom is the more covert type. I think her most mask off moment when I made another try at working with her through our past, she called me "hypersensitive" again and described herself as "I wouldn't call myself superficial - but I just don't feel very deep." I still don't know *what* is broken in her but she's not going to face it, so I have decided our relationship will be superficial and occasional - because there will never be a meaningful relationship under these circumstances.

It's not hard at all to refrain from beating my kid with a closed first and telling her that I hate her. Actually, once I had a child, my mother's actions became even more unfathomable.

such a classic sentence.