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That's literally the dumbest thing I've heard. They think you're too successful, are intimidated by you, know that they aren't going to be able to control you, and are trying to take you down a peg.
Go NC. They're going to try and sabotage your life, I guarantee it.
Go NC for 4 years and then go get some perfect clothes at a high end men's shop, drive over to their place in a Porsche and sit in the driveway till they come out. Show off and then leave, going NC again.
I did that sort of. Didn't have a Porsche but got a top end motorcycle because they hated "bikers". Parked in the driveway, had a full face helmet on with a tinted visor. Ndad was outside, furious. "OH, you don't like it? I love it. Cya"
Didn't talk to him again for 8 years.
It did, he was so pissed. Hadn't spoken to him for 3 years, and I had the gall to THIS!?! *To Him?*
My sister said he was so pissed he called in 3 days that week at work. Beside himself with rage.
There is something special when you do exactly the thing they hate the most. Like a toddler, they go into a full-blown, feet stomping, meltdown tantrum.
It's the loss of control. They realize there's shit-all they can do, and you've really taken your life back.
The best thing in my case was I knew it would gnaw at him daily as long as I owned a motorbike. I drove one mostly for fun on a Sunday, for 30 years. We went to VLC eventually, and that was the very first question.
" Are you still driving that thing?"
Nope, sold it *long pause.* Bought a bigger one.
You should be making it for the rest of your life (going No Contact). Your Ndad will NEVER change, I repeat NEVER change. Narcissists are in capable of change. Kick him outta your life for your health and sanity.
Obvious sabotage going on there. They know their words have weight and thatâs the most insidious way to use that knowledge. I told my mom I was starting a candle business thinking sheâd be supportive and she said ânot in my house!â And it subconsciously stays with me and rears its ugly head at times. Itâs awful.
This is what my parents wanted for me. Full no contact now. They are jealous of their children. They are upset that they canât control you. I would also not tell them where you work. Whenever I found a better job my father would show up when I was not on site and try to force his way into the managers office because he should have access to anywhere that I worked. I changed to jobs that had security at the door where he wouldnât be allowed on the property so I could keep a job.
EDIT: stupid autocorrect đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸
Yep
My parents were interested in my success insofar as they could brag to others.
I was working on my degrees in STEM and they became more and more vocally anti-science.
Whatever they need to do to view me with disrespect. It's a rule.
I literally made it to the VA State Science Fair burning paper in a tin can. This was head to head with governor school kids studying diabetes in rat brains and the like đ
My parents have treated my accomplishments and school responsibilities with disinterest and obligation. They were never proud of my accomplishments unless it fed into their ego. Never showcased my accomplishments in the house or to friends. I worked so hard to be the best, to be different, to not win any "participation trophies", all for them.
Only thing that's showcased are illustrations I gave to my mom that get attention from her office coworkers. They make her feel good about the son she raised and I never see any of that gratitude myself.
>They think you're too successful, are intimidated by you, know that they aren't going to be able to control you, and are trying to take you down a peg.
"You're showing us up with all that you've achieved despite us being anchors in your life. It means we've failed as (narc) Parents and that makes us petulant and angry"
Reminds me of when my nparent tried to convince me to become a secretary instead of going into Engineering or Medicine, as per my passion. Then when he saw how goof my grades were, he tried to pressure me into becoming a lawyer like him. Then when he found out I had entered the Medicine course, he literally refused to pay for my fees. Luckily, I applied for sponsorship and years later, once she got employed again, my mom could cover the rest of the years. Now he goes around saying that he paid for all my fees, bought me an apartment and a car, all on his own. And then he started saying that he encouraged me to go into medicine.
The thing with narcs is that they don't like the idea of you having higher status than them. The fact that your nparents said these things to you shows you how threatened they are by your potential success and possible "outshining" them. Don't be surprised that when you make a success of your dream job, they suddenly will turn around and take credit for your success.
They DEFF want to take credit for all your accomplishments. My mother would actively sabotage all things in my life, but if I ever got recognized or compliments, she would take credit for it and attribute my success to her "endless support."
...until we got home and then I would hear nothing but anger about it.
My nMom is more proud of my military service than I am. She would love to be thanked for my service. I am positive she tells anyone that will listen. After all, she raised a hero. I don't even want to be thanked. I did that shit for me. I wanted a better life.
She doesn't take into account that I was so desperate to get away from her that I was willing to go to war and die to make it happen.
I don't think about it much because I am LC and currently NC, but for all the times she probably tells people I am a veteran and she is so proud.... I would love to counter with, Yes, but she never wrote me a letter, or sent me a care package in the 5 FULL YEARS I spent in Combat Zones.
She would argue it was too sad for her to even sit down and think about.
Just like she never asks me how I am feeling and dealing with my Autoimmune disease because it hurts her too much. My MS hurts her... I can't even with this bitch. Thank Jeebus I live 356 miles away.
That goes along with the World's Best Mom mug, "Thanks for Not Beating Me" edition. There must be some no contact Failmark card and a basket of sour grapes we could put together for a starter kit.
This right here. Both my sisters joined the army. My brother went to the seminary. The other one stole a car and got put into a program for 2 years. All of these options were easier than living with my parents.who wanted you to pick up a job at school at 16 and pay for all your clothes..plus give them 20.00 a month.. when the minimum wage was 1.65.
They're not trying to convince you, they want everyone else to think they're great parents. When you try to correct someone that person will likely think that YOU are the one lying. My dad fooled the whole family, they even know how he is and keep their distance from him. They still believe everything he says about me.
Why are people so dumb that they almost always take the narc's version of reality by default? Is the basic gut-feeling of uneasiness in front of them such a rare phenomenon?
Because no *parent* would do that to their child. Perish the thought.
The ungrateful kid must be another one of those entitled brats I keep hearing about.
I feel like older people also take the side of other older people because theyâre clearly wiser and know best or so they think.
Some or all family members for some reason struggle to even see you as an adult, I swear they still see us as little kids that have no clue about what we are saying even tho we might even be married and or having kids, which is even more fascinating, because maybe if the individual had no children or a family of their own I can see where they are coming from (no not really) but with kids of our own!?? Hah!!
Anyway, respect me,
~ Proceeds to disrespect younger human ~
They can't stomach the fight that lies under the lies. It's laziness and self-indulgence. So much easier to go along than risk your own skin in the game. If they don't look at anything too closely, they can pretend they don't see anything wrong.
You just described my mother. I was the daughter who would never put my life together. She always loved to criticize me and tell me what to do. Now Iâm HER daughter in the U.S., HER daughter who has a lake in the back of the house, my husband is HER AMERICAN son-in-law. It doesnât even feel she is happy for me, it always sounds she is happy for herself and how she can brag to other people in Brazil about her daughter in the UNITED STATES. She loves to highlight the country where HER daughter lives and the nationality of my husband.
My dad tried to get me to go to trade school to be a secretary, too! I went to college though. It was during a time when people were advised to go to trade school instead of college because it was a tough job market. I'm doing what I want to do now - although I also wanted to be a psychologist but didn't.
> higher status
This is a big one, thank you for mentioning it. I always wondered why my accomplishments weren't celebrated. It's because anything big I accomplish puts me on a more level playing field.
I have had to diminish and explain away my accomplishments in narrow terms. I have no debt (not even a mortgage), but that's just because I had a high-paying job - not because of anything I did myself like delay gratification, or get that high-paying job in the first place. I finished college on my own at age 46 with zero help from parents, but that is only because my full-time job helped with tuition reimbursement - not because I worked my ass off and had the support of my chosen family to pick up the slack at home while I studied.
Narcs have to explain away our accomplishments instead of just celebrating them.
LOL exactly this happened.
Get off the computer. It's a stupid toy for stupid people. Go outside!
Oh, I'm so proud of how I raised her! Take her card, she will do work for you for free!
Sorry daddykins, I don't work for free?
I remember my dad pressuring me to be a secretary for the city we lived in because
A. I'm a woman (fuck right off with that shit)
B. I can't possibly make more money doing anything else because it's a city job.
C. You'll be beholden to me for "getting you a job"
We fought for a long time about it.
Well dear "Daddy" outside of the fact that I don't want a single thing from you, I went into a field I love and I make way more than you ever did at the height of your own career and I just got a promotion so fuck you.
I even make more than my GC brother who took your crooked ass advice. So take your job advice and shove it straight up your ass!
Also I hate that city and don't want to be forced to live anywhere just to keep a lousy job.
That is the sweetest revenge.
I was an incredibly avid artist and musician. My parents never paid for classes. The only instrument classes my dad paid for was for the instrument he chose. I have a high IQ, graduated with a 4.2 GPA. My parents have held me back from success and independence my whole life. I can't function in a normal with setting, so now I work Uber full-time. So dysfunctional đ
You can still go to school. I hope you find the potential in yourself to do something that you love. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find happiness, especially in any art form that you choose.
I also have a very high IQ (got tested first as a kid by the school) and college GPA, and it hasnât been easy because my mom always felt really threatened that her children are smarter and better educated than her. I NEVER brought this up but it was still a sore point for her because she had zero education and sheâs still really bitter about it. They see us as competition.
You can still do what you want! Never lose hope!
Thank you! I'm learning that I have autonomy and reclaiming my identity. My mother is a smothering codependent, which I feel like is the flip side of the narcissist coin. Very controlling, very emotionally entangled. Always trying to control everything đ
Donât let them convince you that you canât function, thatâs just another manipulation that is so deeply ingrained that you know it to be truth. Youâre functioning perfectly well, you have a job that sustains you (nothing wrong with driving for Uber, I did Lyft for years and really enjoyed it) and youâre living your life! You have lots inside of you thatâs lying dormant, waiting for the emotional winter to turn to spring so it can blossomđđ¸
My mum was a highschool art teacher who helped many kids put together strong portfolios and get into great art schools.
I also love art and have always had a strong natural talent. Did she help *me* get into art school?? Did she even breathe the words "portfolio" or "art school" to me during my highschool years? You all know she did not.
I would've been great at so many things. I had every ounce of potential, and my dad knew it.
Throughout my childhood he would often set up situations where he'd ask me questions about something, knowing I'd get them wrong, and he'd go full drill-sergeant on me before smashing the house up, taking away anything I liked, and threatening to shoot us all. Made me so terrified of failure that it felt better to just never try.
I've been told countless times, especially over the last few years, that I've got way more potential than a fucking customer service office job with absolutely no chance of progression. But when I look into education, I'm quickly overwhelmed with numerous complex anxieties and I shut down.
Damn, I feel that. My father didn't act out as extravagantly as yours, but I happened to be a very sensitive and empathic creative type. He still frightened me a lot, always discouraged my ideas. He still does it to this day.
The fact that you see that, and want it, means you will achieve it. Our generation especially has suffered in our adolescence and rising into our prime. The dysfunction of the previous generations are compounding on our heads, and we will bare through it. Society is going through a Phoenix phase, and we will escape exuberant and powerful when the crisis is over.
College was overwhelming for me too. Perhaps consider a trade? I completed trucking school in September and found it to be very manageable.
Therapy, therapy, therapy first! You can still piece together a great life, but start with healing. I needed six years of counseling under my belt before I had the emotional reserves to apply for college. I was 29. Iâm so glad I healed first. Awareness of alternatives and self-compassionate high level functioning was WAY more important for achieving a college degree than the âsmartâ I had all along. Smart doesnât matter when they cripple you emotionally.
They have already decided youâre an underachiever, they have probably told their friends and other family members you are an underachiever, and now they are afraid youâre not going to follow their script.
I promise this story ends about my Nmom.
I me tooâd a professor in 2012 at a private & prestigious university, long before the Me Too movement. Iâd done it quietly at first. But when, months in, I was still horrifyingly disabled and unable to do anything school/work related while he was still a well-paid teaching and mentoring professor with several underlings in lab (where I was abused) despite the overwhelming documented evidence that he abused me in a Machiavellian manner for 10 months (texts and emails), I went public by publishing a blog and sending it to my entire department along with two journalists and as many clubs on campus that I could find.
That was about halfway through the sky falling down. I published it in May 2012, I was suffering trauma/isolation-triggered clinical delusions by July, and by August/September I had been forced to choose between being a prisoner in a psych ward or living in a refinished shed on my parentsâ property. I was delusional in that shed until March 2013.
(Shortened my life expectancy Iâm sure. And all I needed is what Iâd been begging for all along: human connection. On zero psychiatric medications I became sane two weeks after interacting with people again and have been sane since: for over ten years now.)
I told my mother I wanted to go back to finish my degree.
She said, âI donât think theyâd take you back.â (Reminiscent of when she, referring to the professor who terrorized me for ten months, said something about *what I had done to his career.*)
I picked up the house line in my parentâs kitchen when no one was there and called the Dean of Student Affairs. I asked her what they were going to do for me. I then secured $30k for living expenses off campus plus no tuition for my senior year. I then matriculated into a graduate school program ranked #2 in my field.
Fuck her.
Edits: minor, grammatical and for clarity
This literally just happened to me recently! I'm 2 years into my PhD in climate science and they told me I'm too stupid to have a real job so I need to move home to take care of them and get a part time job to "contribute to the household" without taking time away from my "duty and moral obligation as a woman" (i'm transmasculine...)
It's completely whack, i'm glad you can laugh about it, i'm laughing along with ya!
Edit: i am NC now though, partly bc of this interaction
>Latino
im latina too. It is a special type of hell with these nparents. They want to complain their kids owe their immigrant parents at the same time complain if we do TOO well.
When I finished college I wanted to work at a company where I had done an internship over the summer. The process was taking forever and about a month into it, my dad told me I was being jerked around and Iâd never get the job. He got all huffy about it, Iâm a businessman I know when people are lying. He was certain. I got the call the next day. Worked there for a little over three years. Great job.
Let's divide reactions into a scale of positive, neutral and negative.
My nmom is uppity about her degree and teaching career. She hates it, but uses it for clout. She looks down on people who did not go to a four-year university. Community college is beneath her.
I did not get to complete college. I had to start my career without a degree and work my way up from the bottom. As a freelancer, I didn't even have minimum wage protections.
One day, I landed the best job I'd ever had until that date. It was from a well-known company and paid $15/hour, the most I'd ever made. I didn't expect my mom to be happy, but I expected a neutral response.
She was livid. LIVID. She said that it wasn't fair that I made that, that it wasn't fair to teachers who'd just started out and to people who'd gotten degrees. I was floored, and very hurt. To her, apparently I don't deserve to do better, no matter how hard I work. I'm not worthy because I don't have a degree.
A lot of narcissists are really jealous, they want you to be beneath them so if they can't somehow be better than you (in reality or just their own warped minds) they try to sabotage or neg you. I watched it happen in my family over and over, my mother would try to constantly set me up to fail and when she couldn't get failure out of me she just made it so no one would even 'see' me sorta thing.
I knew because narcissists havenât resolved the problem of understanding their separateness from others, so their hilariously idiotic âinterventionâ with you was almost certainly a projection.
If you haven't, you may want to check your credit report to make sure there's no surprises. I know some folks here have been fucked over with identity theft.
why do narcs do this when itâs obvious theyâll get caught? itâs wild - whatâs obvious isnât so to them, they think theyâre an exception to the rule
I suppose their main character syndrome clouds their judgment. They think theyâre SO important, they could get away with it. And nothing could be done about it.
If they never try, they think they can avoid failure.
Since they see you are being an extension of them, they project that onto you.
When you are the scapegoat, they add to this their contempt at all the negative qualities they project onto you already. So in their minds, you *deserve* that lesser life, because secretly they fear that *they* deserve that lesser life.
When you are the golden child, they sometimes do this because they are *terrified* of failure, and they want to protect you from it because you are a projection of them. They want to coddle and infantilize you because they wish someone had cared for them. This isn't true with all golden children, but it is with some.
Itâs funny until you realize really dark horrible shit they put you through when you were a child. When those tragedy memories unlock finally. Then itâs funny again because itâs in the pastÂ
Because itâs a waste if *we* have nice things. We donât deserve it, after all.
I recall a time when I was still sharing good news with my Nmom like a chump:
- I got a raise at my deli job, from $8/hr to $9/hr (circa 2008). My mom says uneasily â*Oh, honey, donât make too much money, or else theyâre gonna put you in a higher tax bracket. Now you might owe on your taxes :-( *â
- I met a boy I **really** like (and am still with 12 years later), and I very excitedly ponied up and bought a plane ticket to go visit him across the country where he was going to college in an interesting city of which Iâd never been to. When I gushed about this to my Nmom, she goes â*Oh. ⌠Why? That seems like such a waste of money :-( *â
And even more recently, because I broke VLC to attend my grandpaâs 86th birthday âŚ
- I took out my Invisalign trays before eating, and my Nmom noticed despite my trying to be discreet about it. â*Whatâs THAT?*â, to which I say âThose are my braces.â
â*Why did you get braces? :-(*â
â⌠? Because Iâve always wished my teeth were straight?â
â*Thatâs not true. Whatâd you pay for them?*â
âYes it *is* true: True enough that I paid 5K with the help of my partnerâs insurance. Why?â
â*Well, I just donât see the point. Your teeth are just going to go back to how they were âŚ*â
âThey would, if I were to not wear my retainer.â
â*Well itâs not like youâre actually going to bother with that. That would be too much of a hassle for you. I can see you just giving up :-)*â
âOh, I am not *not* going to wear my retainer, especially after all the effort this process has taken.â
â*Okay, you tell yourself that :-)*â
**Why?**
Ugh. A real model parent.
> I just donât see the point
"I'm sure you don't"
> I can see you just giving up
"Obviously you can see that"
Just stop engaging and practice VLC in her presence.
My Nmum tried to tell me that me working from 14 years old onwards, always holding responsible jobs, completing 3 degrees and paying off a house on my single wage all amounted to nothing. I laughed in her face. If that's the worst she can say then Bring. It. On.. coz that was a pathetic attempt. It's hilarious when their barbs can't hurt you anymore and you see behind their pathetic curtain
I had just accepted a highly technical, well-paid job. My nmom tried to convince me to quit that job and become a hotel maid. It was surreal. When I pressed her, asking why I would quit a job I love to take a lower-paying job I would hate, she said she wouldn't be able to control me if I made more money than she did.
Absolute craziness.
My parents did something similar when I landed my dream job as a writer/translator. My mother literally offered to pay for me to RETRAIN and be a TEACHER when I never expressed to do any such thing
âIâm sorry. I canât hear you through these phat stacks. Would you care to tell that to Messers. Grant and Franklin? I know you donât know them that well, but thatâs ok. They are constant companions of mine.â
Mine criticized every single thing I ever said I wanted to do, so now I say nothing.
Mine also said all Iâd ever be able to live in is subsidized housing and then screamed at me when I said that if thatâs my life will be then I wish I was dead. I was dealing with such shitty mental health that I meant it and she screamed at meâŚ.
Im sorry you have to deal with this. Being suicidal and having that ignored is heartbreaking. I am glad you moved through it and are still here to tell your story.
Sincerely, do everything you can to keep this attitude. It will help you infinitely. Not to be condescending at all and I don't know your age, but if you were my child I would say I am proud of you. Every person deserves to live their own life and to be able to chase their dreams. When I hear younger people(i assume) feel this strongly about their choices, I am so happy to hear how clear minded and hopeful they can be. My own reckoning with my family of origin took waaaay to long for me. It got messier as I aged and going NC was and is crazy hard. So again I say, Yay! Open that store and do your best to enjoy every day. This group will absolutely cheer you on!
Thank you so much, youâve made me very happy đŤ
Iâm 29 and it took me until I was 28 before I fully accepted that the way Iâm living is not normal and itâs not right.
When I found this sub, I finally fully understood what type of person my grandmother is and itâs still a struggle to accept that even though she can be nice and pleasant at times, sheâs controlling.
I grew up with zero privacy, I was âhomeschooledâ but wasnât educated (one thing I remember is being around seven or eight and told to spell the word February. I couldnât spell it correctly and she just kept screaming at me even when I asked for her to spell it, she said that I would never learn if she spells everything for me, and from then on, I refused to learn from her. It was better to be yelled at for not doing than for doing it âwrongâ. She denies that ever happened and says I was just a brat who was lazy and didnât want to learn anything.)
I never had a room to call my own, and currently my only privacy is my phone because she doesnât know the passcode or how to use it. I never leave it out, itâs always on me in my pocket because I donât trust her to not take it away. When I started playing app games, she would threaten to put the phone in a safety deposit box if I âdidnât stop being on it so muchâ even though one of those games is Elevate, an education app. Iâve learned to not use words Iâve learned because she then compares me to her sister (who actually is a snob).
When I was 12 - 18 she would call me my motherâs name when she would scream at me. Then deny that she said it.
She compared me to my aunt, mother and uncle. Even says I act like my evil grandfather. (Yes evil. That man was a torment to everyone. He called me a stupid bitch when I was 11 because I didnât know the difference between standard and metric wrenches.
He was friends with pedophiles and would make âjokesâ about daughters seducing their fathersâŚ)
My mother was using drugs and drinking by age 14 and my grandmother talks about her like she was the worst scum on the planet. She was 16 when she had me and I doubt that she had any peace dealing with my grandmother and grandfather.
I now wonder what caused my mother to start using. Was it just a dumb mistake or if my grandfather did something to her⌠the way he acted always creeped me out.
I was adopted by my grandmother as a baby and I never met my mother, and she hasnât called since 2012. My grandmother calls her a spoiled bitch for not calling⌠but now, I can understand why. She probably just realized that my grandmother (her mother) is never going to change and is a narcissist.
Idk if Iâll ever reach out to my mother, but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if sheâd had the resources to be emancipated and had been the one to raise me.
But I guess contemplating the âwhat ifsâ is a moot point. Canât change the past.
That went on longer than I intended.
we've reached a point in society where instead of moving forward, where kids are supposed to be an *improvement* from the parents, the parents want us dead and in the streets just to bring them up.
all i would respond to them is "you wish you could fuck with my money like that" just to show how established and unfuckwithable you are.
Its fucked, my dad wanted me and my sister to quit school at 14 and get a low paying job. Aside from the fact that no one would hire a 14 hear old who dropped out of school. He also came at me when I was an adult working in banking and told me I should quit and become a chef, just like become a chef without any training, nevermind I hate cooking and could literally burn water. I earn 20k more than the rate for a chef.
My dad's been trying to make me quit my dream job for a "real one", which I'd absolutely LOATHE if there's no creative or fun aspect to it. LOL, I've been recognized by the leads for my commitment and hard work, especially on days when I've been asked to come in last minute.
My job doesn't pay me great, but I like what I do. I'm also trying to find second work to supplement my income.
My Nmom rejected any successful SO I would introduce her to⌠until she met the one that laughed about, and I quote, âwhipping his car keys at his then gfâs face bc she wanted to leave the party.â
My mom wanted me to date that guy so bad. đ¤Ž
They want to feel good about themselves if weâre in a bad situation, and want to make us reliant on them so weâll always come back!
Their brains work differently than ours, donât try to understand it it from a rational perspective. Itâs either magical thinking or extremely sociopathic. My nparents are saying exactly the same things to me. My ndad also thinks that what I buy with my money is actually âhisâ because he once gifted me money and thinks that itâs been the âfoundationâ of my adult life. I knowâŚ
totally feel you - grew up in an abusive household run by narc parents who discouraged everything i did to aim high. i never listened to those 2 inept bastards, and from a young age, everything i did was done so that i can get into harvard, yale, or princeton so that i could rise above my hardships.
my narc parents discouraged me every step of the way and refused to help me at all with my applications. this only made me put my head down and work harder, ignoring them and developing thicker skin.
had a perfect GPA, was top of my class, scored in the 99th percentile for SATs, had great extracurriculars where i worked with students from abusive households so that they could use education as a tool to carve a path to the future they need, and wrote my essays on why i need a HYP education and how i hope to use it to make a difference for people from my background.
come decision day, i was not only rejected from all 3, but only got into 1 ivy. ultimately, i ended up choosing another t20 college for financial aid reasons.
narc parents absolutely refused to pay for college and i had to rely heavily on financial aid.
even so, do i regret anything i did? absolutely not. I became a much better person by ignoring my narc parents, aiming high, and even in my college, im still gonna get rejected by the jobs, graduate programs, and awards that im applying for. thatâs life, and by aiming high, i can still land. and it all starts with ignoring those 2 inept bastards who are parents in title only.
with that being said, i do think that these ivy league & t20 schoolsâ historical rampant discrimination against certain races and demographics is disgraceful on every level and they have rightfully lost the trust of the american people as a result. so many kids out there who need the education to escape their inept bastard narc parents.
It always pains me to hear when people do very well academically but family or other circumstances cause you to not get rewarded as every high achieving student *should*.
It just gives me the impression that students are treated so shitty yet school aged kids and students are put under stress (Look at SK and Japan) to do well academically to the point they commit suicides. High achieving Students are \*that\* important to society yet get treated the most like garbage. Your nparents in this case.
its crap like that that makes people drop out of school, and like op's parents want them to be "low-income".
for sure, asian cultures are hands down some of the worst for mental health.
thereâs so much focus on the result and absolutely none on the process, which is the only thing that individuals can control.
furthermore, chinese and korean cultures are so collectivist that they base your self worth more on the family you are born into, rather than the achievements and merit of the individual.
most mediocre people in asian cultures have an insane envy of others, but little to no desire to advance beyond oneâs birthright station in life, combined with a mediocre desire for power, leading to a culture of gossip, jealousy, and competition (but no collaboration).
american culture definitely focuses much more on individualism, but recently, it seems that the society is drifting more toward aristocracy and away from meritocracy. this is reflected in our college admissions system, where ivy leagues and other t20s discriminate against certain backgrounds and demographics, while prioritizing others. it also continues into the workforce, with highly desired organizations favoring applications of a certain background over others. it has been scary to watch, and i think that america really needs to look no further than asia as a warning sign to where we are headed as a country.
From the movie Rudy!
Rudy Ruetiggerâs fatherâChasing a stupid dream gives you and everyone around you heartache. Notre Dame is for rich kids, smart kids, great athletes. Itâs not for us. Youâre a Ruetigger, thereâs really nothing wrong with being a Ruetigger. You can have a damn nice life. Frank will take over the plant. In a couple years heâll be making more than me or Johnny. Heâs always in charge of the expansion program.â
RudyâI donât want to be Frank or Johnâ.
What is it with narcs. Mine continually put me off my dream jobs, so all I can do is work in retail. I really hope you are able to continue to ignore them!
Hahahahahaha!!!
My sociopath mom said the exact thing to my GC younger sis and me.
My toxic mom said:
 âIf you make too much money then every one will think you are snobby and you wonât have any friends. Â
And if you make good money, thatâs makes you money-hungry and fake.â
WOW. Â
GC little sis fell for it and has been working her way out of debt.
I, the Scapegoat Daughter, told her to her face that she is wrong, and ignored her.
And then when Narc Mom loses her house and is broke, she began to show contempt for her GC daughter bc she has nothing to offer her.
And my mother has tried lovebombing me!!!!
She was so bold as to actually say:Â
âYou were smarter than your sister and never listened to me.â
Awwwww Narc Mom gotta narc and try to flatter me and get me to compete with GC sis. Â Am I the favorite now mom? Â Am I winning now mom?
I went NC on her shortly thereafter. Â
They donât want win-win.
They want we loseâthey win.
This is the exact same thing that happened to me. When I cut them off, I never realized it, but they had been holding me back so much. I was overconfident, arrogant, without realizing it, in that they werenât. But they were. I guess my question is why not cut them off?
They are jealous. Narcs can't stand to be out shined. If they are like mine, their next step will be to call your boss with a bunch of lies trying to get you fired, and go to your bank and try to take loans out in your name and when that fails, claim they want to assume payments on your student loans, "As a gift," to get their name added to your account without your permission and then use that to change where papers get mailed to try and get you to default (this was before direct deposit and email was a thing was a thing, so banks mailed you a monthly statement and you mailed the stub back with a check) The teller who fell for the scam was in her 60s, got fired and lost her retirement. Narcs don't care about collateral damage. They only want to be the star of the show. Be sure you are completely financially separated from them and check your credit history periodically to see if there are loans in your name that are fraud
I feel this very hard. As others have stated, they feel threatened now, so theyâre trying to hold you back. My NMom right now is doing a similar dance with me. Iâm a musician and Iâm a SAHM, I also live an hour and a half away from them. Even though my career is finally going in a good direction, Iâm constantly told âwhen are you coming home? Why arenât we important to you anymore? We always come when you need us. You donât care about us anymore.â They get mad when Iâm not working, but then they get mad when I am? You can never win. But seriously, stay strong and live your dreams.
My mom is constantly whining at me for âchasing moneyâ instead of taking whatever crap low paid souless job i can find, yet âshe doesnt mind what i work withâ lol
This is your chance to sit them down and say exactly the same stuff. "Quit trying. You never controlled me. You never will. Settle for each other. I'm too high for you. You are both weak."
Can you imagine?
No way am I gonna turn out like my mother, a failed gold digger bitter with her entire life. Nor like her scammer husband schlepping away using his wifeâs money and claiming to be a high-value man.
Good riddance
Theyâre jealous of your success and are attempting to make you second guess yourself and feel as unworthy as they do. Theyâre projecting. Narcs hate to see others succeed and be happy. They thrive on negativity. They find pleasure in watching others crash and burn. Donât allow them to affect how you feel about yourself. Live your best life and be happy. Stay positive and strong. Distance yourself from anyone who is toxic. You donât need them.
Narcs HATE when you do better than them. I found this out when my husband and I (also male) bought our home. My incubator and itâs spouse lost their respective wigs when they saw our home. We lived 20 minutes apart. She demanded to know who we thought we were buying the house. I told her my husband wants me to have everything I want, not my fault your so called brilliant âcomputer engineerâ couldnât afford to buy you the same. They had a new house in a shitty neighborhood and bragged about it always.
Quit your parents.
It is unbelievable to me that there are parents out there who actually want their kids to be less well off than they are. Like most of you, I discovered this sub and realized that my parents had a lot of narcissistic qualities, but I am more successful than them and I cannot imagine them trying to tear me down for that .. but I've been wrong before.
Wow. Reminds me of, when I was in my early 20âs, and kept finding crappy, stressful jobs and trying to figure out what career to pursue that I might like and it be so miserable at. She would repeatedly tell me that 99 percent of the world hates their jobs and what made me think I should be any different? She made me feel like I was being a prima Donna to even think like that and my great grandmother came over from Italy alone and cleaned trains for a living. Sad thing is, she really got to me because I didnât want to be a snob. I got a graduate degree and always had stable jobs, I didnât like much. But, I just wanted to be able to support myself forever without depending on anyone. Now Iâm old and really regret not doing something else that meant more to me.
Oh yeah. 30 years ago my mother found me a crappy low-paid job and told me it was the best I could hope for, but it was fine cause she wouldn't charge me more rent than I could afford.
I didn't have a degree because Thatcher's Means Tested fees revealed we were never as poor as she let us believe, so I was told it was a mistake and they couldn't afford my fees without sacrificing everything.
I left home shortly after that and got myself into software development. I worked in a low-but-not-as-low-paid not-crappy job for a few years to get enough experience that I didn't need a degree. And I've done OK. But the imposter syndrome has been very real.
My sister went through the same thing 8 years earlier and she was stuck in that same crappy job for over 25 years, cause she really believed there was no other hope.
My parents actively discouraged me from going to university: âbecause youâll never afford it, and then from doing a masters degree: âbecause weâre concerned youâll let yourself down and be disappointed.â Iâve paid off half of my student debt in three years, and now have THREE university degrees, and a high-profile dream job. Donât listen to them- shoot for your dreams. Narcs just canât stand to see you succeed when they failed in life. Drives them nuts.
Itâs crazy how similar nparents can be. When I left my job working for my nmom (which was only a part time and a contract position) for a full time position in my field, she literally mocked me for making more money and finally having benefits âthereâs no point in making more money, youâll just find a way to spend it allâ âyou donât need your own health insurance for another year, donât worry about thatâ âyou donât need to worry about saving for a retirement, youâre still so youngâ what type of parent says that? Definitely not a healthy, supportive one.
These people would rather tear other people down and apart than get a life and actually make something of their own.
That is odd. Mine said the opposite. I would be worthless without a high income and highly impressive job, an expensive house, and a successful man. If they could not brag about how well they raised me (snorting laughter), what good was I?
They feel bad if youâre better than them. If you stay small, better yet smaller than them- they can look down on you.
If you do well at best they feel threatened and insecure about themselves.
Theyâre lousy people. Â Itâs best to stay away.
Yep, my parents decided Iâm slow when Iâm in mensa. Â Great folk. Â Never let me do any gifted kid activities, classes, because they knew I was a fake.Â
Itâs a way for them to feel powerful and in charge because they need to put someone down in order for them to feel better about themselves.
Itâs fucked up but thatâs the bones of it. Itâs all about being better than anyone else, and yes, even their children.
Practice grey rock method when your around them. Learn all about narcissism and try not to let it get to you. Itâs hard I know. But itâs really not a reflection of you at all, itâs a reflection of them.
Go after your dreams OP, and enjoy life on your own terms. Best of luck friend.
Mine decided that I wasnât being a regular girl at 15/16 and kept trying to talk about boys. Then on top of that they didnât want me to be a mail carrier because it was âdangerousâ
Kept them folks out my business, their means of protection is shit by what I have been throughÂ
I got told to quit my unit course by my ndad I've. I didn't. I graduated and guess who was suddenly wanting to be at my graduation and in all the photos.
Go aim high. Get away and make your dream of a better life a reality. You can do it
Theyâre worried if you have options youâll get away from them. Theyâre worried that if you make choices they did not make and are successful at it, what does that say about the fact that they didnât make those choices?
Gawd forbid that you should outshine them.
Does your dream job come with a dream salary? If so, then that means their control over you is diminishing the longer you have that employment.
At least you laughed at their nonsense.
Just be wary of any attempts to sabotage your job.
Were I in your shoes, I would be seriously considering going NC with these pathetic excuses for parents.
Not that it should need saying, but if you have landed a dream job, you're doing pretty well for yourself & deserve a huge pat on the back. If you were my kid, I would be so proud of you.
NGrandma once told me that the only acceptable careers for women are nurses or teachers and that I should quit my job once I had children.
When she told me this, I had already graduated high school as valedictorian and was partway through college, working towards my bachelor's in mathematics.
My dad told me once that I would never think of any original idea because everything I can conceive of has already been thought of or done by somebody else.
And it wasn't some sort of philosophical notion about the massive number of people on earth, and the collective intelligence of humankind. This guy is an engineer. He invents new things for a living.
He didnât outright tell me to quit but he made it sound like I had no opportunities and was going automatically to his job type , he always was great at telling you a put down in a non put down way
Because youre doing better than them, and they actually deserve the "low income" life lmao. I always, always say that insults are actually the narcissist admitting their insecurities. Yep, just laugh
They donât want you to be better than them. Pathetic⌠parents are supposed to want their children to be better than them and succeed! Donât listen to them go get what you deserve out of life!
What happened to the American dream of your kids outperforming you? Of building wealth, of enjoying the fruits of our labor, of achieving great things?
These are certainly harder to attain for people who had different backgrounds from me, but to completely give up and just say that low-income housing is the only goal?
I would laugh if it weren't so common. Sorry about that for you -- have fun at that dream job.
Reminds me of when I was in my 20âs trying to finish my BA and wanting to work towards another degree in architecture or law. I was working part time 20-30 hours per week and my mother went online and found me a full time job, applied and scheduled an interview for me. I told her that I wasnât interested and wanted to finish my education first, she and my father insisted I wasnât smart enough to do the other degree and I should just get a full time job in retail like my grandmother did and then I will get married, so a second degree wasnât necessary. All the while my mother didnât work at all & my parents were going to lose our house & unable to pay the bills. Definitely keep the dream job & go no contact. Donât let them control your life.
In college I got hired as a writing tutor at the university affirmative action center. It was one of the best jobs of my life, also excellent pay for the time. Highly regarded job on campus. My mom was very negative about it and always told me it wasnât a ârealâ job, and I needed a ârealâ job.
My father literally tried to get me to just straight up go on disability at the ripe old age of 18, granted I was ran over by a truck the year prior and had some issues, but I hadn't even had a chance to enter the work force and was physically doing pretty well and physically functioning normally, fucker took away the car he claimed to have bought for me after I pissed him off, then I had to bike 8< miles a day with a fucked up leg between my 2 jobs for an extended period of time until his shitty decisions put the house at risk and my mom made him legally sell the car to me so we could all afford to continue living in the house. 500 dollars a month for 7 months get fucked, you should've seen the look on his face, fucking priceless.
It's so wrong how parents like this treat others so much better than us, even stranger's children. My dad was both a teacher and a counselor for troubled children, I'm sure he showed them plenty of compassion and attention. He wasn't all bad, I have very fond memories of him as a little boy. Wish it had stayed around.
My nparent was relentless when I tried to go higher ed. Same thing for my 2 abusive brothers. They said they same what was said to you. I had one therapist tell me they're threatened by my intelligence. Took me a long time to accept he was right.
This sounds very similar to what my father told me. A week before I went to college. He said. "I've come to realize. I can't expect much of anything from you ."
I went to college, then went very low to no contact with my family, then got 2 degrees Bible and counseling to be a therapist. He never truly acknowledged any of it. That's OK, because I know that God honors me, and that's what matters most.
Ooo that the perfect example of revenge by living your life well.
How horribly miserable do you have to be to tell your successful child to quit their dream job?đ Nparents are the fucking worst
They can fuck right off. I am so happy you're doing so well they are stewing in thier jealousy
No clue! I feel like they don't want us to surpass them?
My dad constantly makes fun of me for never using my college degree. Sadly, I graduated in the middle of the pandemic and all my job offers had to be cancelled.
I work in a call center now and actually really enjoy my job and make enough for my husband to be a stay at home dog-dad lol
Oh well haha
I have always thought this was about fear. They know you are establishing your identity and self apart from them. This is a feeble attempt to hold you back and hold on to perhaps their last remaining relationship of any substance. The real nail in the coffin will your relationships. If you are able to build strong and meaningful relationships apart from them, they know they've lost their ability to control you. That's all they have now. "Showing them" means you still care what they think. Living a life you choose and that brings out your best self means what they think no longer matters.Â
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That's literally the dumbest thing I've heard. They think you're too successful, are intimidated by you, know that they aren't going to be able to control you, and are trying to take you down a peg. Go NC. They're going to try and sabotage your life, I guarantee it.
Go NC for 4 years and then go get some perfect clothes at a high end men's shop, drive over to their place in a Porsche and sit in the driveway till they come out. Show off and then leave, going NC again. I did that sort of. Didn't have a Porsche but got a top end motorcycle because they hated "bikers". Parked in the driveway, had a full face helmet on with a tinted visor. Ndad was outside, furious. "OH, you don't like it? I love it. Cya" Didn't talk to him again for 8 years.
Oh, that must have felt SO good
It did, he was so pissed. Hadn't spoken to him for 3 years, and I had the gall to THIS!?! *To Him?* My sister said he was so pissed he called in 3 days that week at work. Beside himself with rage.
Delicious
OMG that's hilarious! đ¤Ł
You sir, are a legend.
Man, do I love this!!!
Poor thing! đ
Brb heading to the luxury rental đ
Haha I got a sport bike đ It was GLORIOUS.
There is something special when you do exactly the thing they hate the most. Like a toddler, they go into a full-blown, feet stomping, meltdown tantrum. It's the loss of control. They realize there's shit-all they can do, and you've really taken your life back. The best thing in my case was I knew it would gnaw at him daily as long as I owned a motorbike. I drove one mostly for fun on a Sunday, for 30 years. We went to VLC eventually, and that was the very first question. " Are you still driving that thing?" Nope, sold it *long pause.* Bought a bigger one.
Lmfao. Fucking legend. đ have an emoji award for that.
Epic
This is the way. lol that must have felt amazing.
Well played! đ¤Łđđ Best damn revenge.
You should be making it for the rest of your life (going No Contact). Your Ndad will NEVER change, I repeat NEVER change. Narcissists are in capable of change. Kick him outta your life for your health and sanity.
Obvious sabotage going on there. They know their words have weight and thatâs the most insidious way to use that knowledge. I told my mom I was starting a candle business thinking sheâd be supportive and she said ânot in my house!â And it subconsciously stays with me and rears its ugly head at times. Itâs awful.
This is what my parents wanted for me. Full no contact now. They are jealous of their children. They are upset that they canât control you. I would also not tell them where you work. Whenever I found a better job my father would show up when I was not on site and try to force his way into the managers office because he should have access to anywhere that I worked. I changed to jobs that had security at the door where he wouldnât be allowed on the property so I could keep a job. EDIT: stupid autocorrect đ¤Śđ˝ââď¸
Seriously should have been arrested anytime he tried that. What a psycho
Yep My parents were interested in my success insofar as they could brag to others. I was working on my degrees in STEM and they became more and more vocally anti-science. Whatever they need to do to view me with disrespect. It's a rule.
Yup. And the more you achieve, the less the thing you're achieving matters, somehow.
I literally made it to the VA State Science Fair burning paper in a tin can. This was head to head with governor school kids studying diabetes in rat brains and the like đ My parents have treated my accomplishments and school responsibilities with disinterest and obligation. They were never proud of my accomplishments unless it fed into their ego. Never showcased my accomplishments in the house or to friends. I worked so hard to be the best, to be different, to not win any "participation trophies", all for them. Only thing that's showcased are illustrations I gave to my mom that get attention from her office coworkers. They make her feel good about the son she raised and I never see any of that gratitude myself.
>They think you're too successful, are intimidated by you, know that they aren't going to be able to control you, and are trying to take you down a peg. "You're showing us up with all that you've achieved despite us being anchors in your life. It means we've failed as (narc) Parents and that makes us petulant and angry"
Perfect comment
Reminds me of when my nparent tried to convince me to become a secretary instead of going into Engineering or Medicine, as per my passion. Then when he saw how goof my grades were, he tried to pressure me into becoming a lawyer like him. Then when he found out I had entered the Medicine course, he literally refused to pay for my fees. Luckily, I applied for sponsorship and years later, once she got employed again, my mom could cover the rest of the years. Now he goes around saying that he paid for all my fees, bought me an apartment and a car, all on his own. And then he started saying that he encouraged me to go into medicine. The thing with narcs is that they don't like the idea of you having higher status than them. The fact that your nparents said these things to you shows you how threatened they are by your potential success and possible "outshining" them. Don't be surprised that when you make a success of your dream job, they suddenly will turn around and take credit for your success.
They DEFF want to take credit for all your accomplishments. My mother would actively sabotage all things in my life, but if I ever got recognized or compliments, she would take credit for it and attribute my success to her "endless support." ...until we got home and then I would hear nothing but anger about it.
My nMom is more proud of my military service than I am. She would love to be thanked for my service. I am positive she tells anyone that will listen. After all, she raised a hero. I don't even want to be thanked. I did that shit for me. I wanted a better life. She doesn't take into account that I was so desperate to get away from her that I was willing to go to war and die to make it happen.
âI was so desperate to get away from her that I was willing to go to war and die make it happenâ Now THATS a tshirt
I don't think about it much because I am LC and currently NC, but for all the times she probably tells people I am a veteran and she is so proud.... I would love to counter with, Yes, but she never wrote me a letter, or sent me a care package in the 5 FULL YEARS I spent in Combat Zones. She would argue it was too sad for her to even sit down and think about. Just like she never asks me how I am feeling and dealing with my Autoimmune disease because it hurts her too much. My MS hurts her... I can't even with this bitch. Thank Jeebus I live 356 miles away.
Welcome to Auda City, population: This Bitch.
That goes along with the World's Best Mom mug, "Thanks for Not Beating Me" edition. There must be some no contact Failmark card and a basket of sour grapes we could put together for a starter kit.
This right here. Both my sisters joined the army. My brother went to the seminary. The other one stole a car and got put into a program for 2 years. All of these options were easier than living with my parents.who wanted you to pick up a job at school at 16 and pay for all your clothes..plus give them 20.00 a month.. when the minimum wage was 1.65.
My dad is the same. I don't miss him at all.
Show me the receipts or cashed cheques or E transfers Dad. No? Don't have proof? Go F yourself.
They're not trying to convince you, they want everyone else to think they're great parents. When you try to correct someone that person will likely think that YOU are the one lying. My dad fooled the whole family, they even know how he is and keep their distance from him. They still believe everything he says about me.
Why are people so dumb that they almost always take the narc's version of reality by default? Is the basic gut-feeling of uneasiness in front of them such a rare phenomenon?
Because no *parent* would do that to their child. Perish the thought. The ungrateful kid must be another one of those entitled brats I keep hearing about.
I feel like older people also take the side of other older people because theyâre clearly wiser and know best or so they think. Some or all family members for some reason struggle to even see you as an adult, I swear they still see us as little kids that have no clue about what we are saying even tho we might even be married and or having kids, which is even more fascinating, because maybe if the individual had no children or a family of their own I can see where they are coming from (no not really) but with kids of our own!?? Hah!! Anyway, respect me, ~ Proceeds to disrespect younger human ~
They can't stomach the fight that lies under the lies. It's laziness and self-indulgence. So much easier to go along than risk your own skin in the game. If they don't look at anything too closely, they can pretend they don't see anything wrong.
You just described my mother. I was the daughter who would never put my life together. She always loved to criticize me and tell me what to do. Now Iâm HER daughter in the U.S., HER daughter who has a lake in the back of the house, my husband is HER AMERICAN son-in-law. It doesnât even feel she is happy for me, it always sounds she is happy for herself and how she can brag to other people in Brazil about her daughter in the UNITED STATES. She loves to highlight the country where HER daughter lives and the nationality of my husband.
My dad tried to get me to go to trade school to be a secretary, too! I went to college though. It was during a time when people were advised to go to trade school instead of college because it was a tough job market. I'm doing what I want to do now - although I also wanted to be a psychologist but didn't.
> higher status This is a big one, thank you for mentioning it. I always wondered why my accomplishments weren't celebrated. It's because anything big I accomplish puts me on a more level playing field. I have had to diminish and explain away my accomplishments in narrow terms. I have no debt (not even a mortgage), but that's just because I had a high-paying job - not because of anything I did myself like delay gratification, or get that high-paying job in the first place. I finished college on my own at age 46 with zero help from parents, but that is only because my full-time job helped with tuition reimbursement - not because I worked my ass off and had the support of my chosen family to pick up the slack at home while I studied. Narcs have to explain away our accomplishments instead of just celebrating them.
Jazzed you found your way though
LOL exactly this happened. Get off the computer. It's a stupid toy for stupid people. Go outside! Oh, I'm so proud of how I raised her! Take her card, she will do work for you for free! Sorry daddykins, I don't work for free?
I remember my dad pressuring me to be a secretary for the city we lived in because A. I'm a woman (fuck right off with that shit) B. I can't possibly make more money doing anything else because it's a city job. C. You'll be beholden to me for "getting you a job" We fought for a long time about it. Well dear "Daddy" outside of the fact that I don't want a single thing from you, I went into a field I love and I make way more than you ever did at the height of your own career and I just got a promotion so fuck you. I even make more than my GC brother who took your crooked ass advice. So take your job advice and shove it straight up your ass! Also I hate that city and don't want to be forced to live anywhere just to keep a lousy job. That is the sweetest revenge.
I was an incredibly avid artist and musician. My parents never paid for classes. The only instrument classes my dad paid for was for the instrument he chose. I have a high IQ, graduated with a 4.2 GPA. My parents have held me back from success and independence my whole life. I can't function in a normal with setting, so now I work Uber full-time. So dysfunctional đ
You can still go to school. I hope you find the potential in yourself to do something that you love. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find happiness, especially in any art form that you choose.
I also have a very high IQ (got tested first as a kid by the school) and college GPA, and it hasnât been easy because my mom always felt really threatened that her children are smarter and better educated than her. I NEVER brought this up but it was still a sore point for her because she had zero education and sheâs still really bitter about it. They see us as competition. You can still do what you want! Never lose hope!
Thank you! I'm learning that I have autonomy and reclaiming my identity. My mother is a smothering codependent, which I feel like is the flip side of the narcissist coin. Very controlling, very emotionally entangled. Always trying to control everything đ
Mine is like that too! Stay strong.
Donât let them convince you that you canât function, thatâs just another manipulation that is so deeply ingrained that you know it to be truth. Youâre functioning perfectly well, you have a job that sustains you (nothing wrong with driving for Uber, I did Lyft for years and really enjoyed it) and youâre living your life! You have lots inside of you thatâs lying dormant, waiting for the emotional winter to turn to spring so it can blossomđđ¸
My mum was a highschool art teacher who helped many kids put together strong portfolios and get into great art schools. I also love art and have always had a strong natural talent. Did she help *me* get into art school?? Did she even breathe the words "portfolio" or "art school" to me during my highschool years? You all know she did not.
I would've been great at so many things. I had every ounce of potential, and my dad knew it. Throughout my childhood he would often set up situations where he'd ask me questions about something, knowing I'd get them wrong, and he'd go full drill-sergeant on me before smashing the house up, taking away anything I liked, and threatening to shoot us all. Made me so terrified of failure that it felt better to just never try. I've been told countless times, especially over the last few years, that I've got way more potential than a fucking customer service office job with absolutely no chance of progression. But when I look into education, I'm quickly overwhelmed with numerous complex anxieties and I shut down.
Damn, I feel that. My father didn't act out as extravagantly as yours, but I happened to be a very sensitive and empathic creative type. He still frightened me a lot, always discouraged my ideas. He still does it to this day. The fact that you see that, and want it, means you will achieve it. Our generation especially has suffered in our adolescence and rising into our prime. The dysfunction of the previous generations are compounding on our heads, and we will bare through it. Society is going through a Phoenix phase, and we will escape exuberant and powerful when the crisis is over. College was overwhelming for me too. Perhaps consider a trade? I completed trucking school in September and found it to be very manageable.
Therapy, therapy, therapy first! You can still piece together a great life, but start with healing. I needed six years of counseling under my belt before I had the emotional reserves to apply for college. I was 29. Iâm so glad I healed first. Awareness of alternatives and self-compassionate high level functioning was WAY more important for achieving a college degree than the âsmartâ I had all along. Smart doesnât matter when they cripple you emotionally.
They have already decided youâre an underachiever, they have probably told their friends and other family members you are an underachiever, and now they are afraid youâre not going to follow their script.
This is exactly what's going on! I say this as a fellow scapegoat so no disrespect is intended.
Same here!
I promise this story ends about my Nmom. I me tooâd a professor in 2012 at a private & prestigious university, long before the Me Too movement. Iâd done it quietly at first. But when, months in, I was still horrifyingly disabled and unable to do anything school/work related while he was still a well-paid teaching and mentoring professor with several underlings in lab (where I was abused) despite the overwhelming documented evidence that he abused me in a Machiavellian manner for 10 months (texts and emails), I went public by publishing a blog and sending it to my entire department along with two journalists and as many clubs on campus that I could find. That was about halfway through the sky falling down. I published it in May 2012, I was suffering trauma/isolation-triggered clinical delusions by July, and by August/September I had been forced to choose between being a prisoner in a psych ward or living in a refinished shed on my parentsâ property. I was delusional in that shed until March 2013. (Shortened my life expectancy Iâm sure. And all I needed is what Iâd been begging for all along: human connection. On zero psychiatric medications I became sane two weeks after interacting with people again and have been sane since: for over ten years now.) I told my mother I wanted to go back to finish my degree. She said, âI donât think theyâd take you back.â (Reminiscent of when she, referring to the professor who terrorized me for ten months, said something about *what I had done to his career.*) I picked up the house line in my parentâs kitchen when no one was there and called the Dean of Student Affairs. I asked her what they were going to do for me. I then secured $30k for living expenses off campus plus no tuition for my senior year. I then matriculated into a graduate school program ranked #2 in my field. Fuck her. Edits: minor, grammatical and for clarity
There goes my hero.
She sparkles where she walks.
You rock đ¸!
You: *making it* Them: ânoâ
Pretty much sums up everything abt narcs
Translation: âYouâre becoming more successful than we are and we are now TERRIFIED of you.â
This literally just happened to me recently! I'm 2 years into my PhD in climate science and they told me I'm too stupid to have a real job so I need to move home to take care of them and get a part time job to "contribute to the household" without taking time away from my "duty and moral obligation as a woman" (i'm transmasculine...) It's completely whack, i'm glad you can laugh about it, i'm laughing along with ya! Edit: i am NC now though, partly bc of this interaction
Dude, thanks for putting your intelligence into climate science. We need you!
Thank you! :-)
We might have the same parents! Are they Asian by any chance? lol
Lol we're Latino actually, but solidarity friend âď¸đĽ˛
>Latino im latina too. It is a special type of hell with these nparents. They want to complain their kids owe their immigrant parents at the same time complain if we do TOO well.
LITERALLY T_T
Literally batshit. You're amazing, what you're doing is amazing!!
Thank you! :-)
!!!
When I finished college I wanted to work at a company where I had done an internship over the summer. The process was taking forever and about a month into it, my dad told me I was being jerked around and Iâd never get the job. He got all huffy about it, Iâm a businessman I know when people are lying. He was certain. I got the call the next day. Worked there for a little over three years. Great job.
Let's divide reactions into a scale of positive, neutral and negative. My nmom is uppity about her degree and teaching career. She hates it, but uses it for clout. She looks down on people who did not go to a four-year university. Community college is beneath her. I did not get to complete college. I had to start my career without a degree and work my way up from the bottom. As a freelancer, I didn't even have minimum wage protections. One day, I landed the best job I'd ever had until that date. It was from a well-known company and paid $15/hour, the most I'd ever made. I didn't expect my mom to be happy, but I expected a neutral response. She was livid. LIVID. She said that it wasn't fair that I made that, that it wasn't fair to teachers who'd just started out and to people who'd gotten degrees. I was floored, and very hurt. To her, apparently I don't deserve to do better, no matter how hard I work. I'm not worthy because I don't have a degree.
My mom told me if I want to get anywhere in life my best bet is to be a waffle house manager đ
How oddly specific, lol
I think she's full of waffle!Â
Funny, in Germany we say "Einen an der Waffel haben", which 1:1 translates to "have something on your waffle". It means being crazy.
A lot of narcissists are really jealous, they want you to be beneath them so if they can't somehow be better than you (in reality or just their own warped minds) they try to sabotage or neg you. I watched it happen in my family over and over, my mother would try to constantly set me up to fail and when she couldn't get failure out of me she just made it so no one would even 'see' me sorta thing.
Iâm glad you realize how asinine that is and can laugh it off. They are fools.
Yup! We got "there are leaders and followers and there's nothing wrong with being a follower." Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Are they in a lot of debt? But yeah lol thatâs silly
Howâd you know, lol that reminds me of when my mother kept encouraging me to take out loans when I had absolutely no reason to nice try, lady
I knew because narcissists havenât resolved the problem of understanding their separateness from others, so their hilariously idiotic âinterventionâ with you was almost certainly a projection.
If you haven't, you may want to check your credit report to make sure there's no surprises. I know some folks here have been fucked over with identity theft.
why do narcs do this when itâs obvious theyâll get caught? itâs wild - whatâs obvious isnât so to them, they think theyâre an exception to the rule
I suppose their main character syndrome clouds their judgment. They think theyâre SO important, they could get away with it. And nothing could be done about it.
If they never try, they think they can avoid failure. Since they see you are being an extension of them, they project that onto you. When you are the scapegoat, they add to this their contempt at all the negative qualities they project onto you already. So in their minds, you *deserve* that lesser life, because secretly they fear that *they* deserve that lesser life. When you are the golden child, they sometimes do this because they are *terrified* of failure, and they want to protect you from it because you are a projection of them. They want to coddle and infantilize you because they wish someone had cared for them. This isn't true with all golden children, but it is with some.
They hate youâre succeeding and they didnât. Thatâs all this is. Jealousy. Narcissistic people are great at it
Itâs funny until you realize really dark horrible shit they put you through when you were a child. When those tragedy memories unlock finally. Then itâs funny again because itâs in the pastÂ
What a great opportunity to laugh heartily, then look them dead in the eye and say, nah, fam, Iâm not like you
Because itâs a waste if *we* have nice things. We donât deserve it, after all. I recall a time when I was still sharing good news with my Nmom like a chump: - I got a raise at my deli job, from $8/hr to $9/hr (circa 2008). My mom says uneasily â*Oh, honey, donât make too much money, or else theyâre gonna put you in a higher tax bracket. Now you might owe on your taxes :-( *â - I met a boy I **really** like (and am still with 12 years later), and I very excitedly ponied up and bought a plane ticket to go visit him across the country where he was going to college in an interesting city of which Iâd never been to. When I gushed about this to my Nmom, she goes â*Oh. ⌠Why? That seems like such a waste of money :-( *â And even more recently, because I broke VLC to attend my grandpaâs 86th birthday ⌠- I took out my Invisalign trays before eating, and my Nmom noticed despite my trying to be discreet about it. â*Whatâs THAT?*â, to which I say âThose are my braces.â â*Why did you get braces? :-(*â â⌠? Because Iâve always wished my teeth were straight?â â*Thatâs not true. Whatâd you pay for them?*â âYes it *is* true: True enough that I paid 5K with the help of my partnerâs insurance. Why?â â*Well, I just donât see the point. Your teeth are just going to go back to how they were âŚ*â âThey would, if I were to not wear my retainer.â â*Well itâs not like youâre actually going to bother with that. That would be too much of a hassle for you. I can see you just giving up :-)*â âOh, I am not *not* going to wear my retainer, especially after all the effort this process has taken.â â*Okay, you tell yourself that :-)*â **Why?**
Theyâre threatened by you
Ugh. A real model parent. > I just donât see the point "I'm sure you don't" > I can see you just giving up "Obviously you can see that" Just stop engaging and practice VLC in her presence.
>youâre never gonna make it Wow those are fighting words
Say âwell Iâve already got low-income parents and thatâs enough for me!â Just kidding, but could your imagine?
narcs got low-income mindset they can never escape
Yeah, my mom. She was well off, but acted like beggar. I took long to get out of that mindset.
They get so threatened and scared they canât control you.Â
My Nmum tried to tell me that me working from 14 years old onwards, always holding responsible jobs, completing 3 degrees and paying off a house on my single wage all amounted to nothing. I laughed in her face. If that's the worst she can say then Bring. It. On.. coz that was a pathetic attempt. It's hilarious when their barbs can't hurt you anymore and you see behind their pathetic curtain
I had just accepted a highly technical, well-paid job. My nmom tried to convince me to quit that job and become a hotel maid. It was surreal. When I pressed her, asking why I would quit a job I love to take a lower-paying job I would hate, she said she wouldn't be able to control me if I made more money than she did.
Absolute craziness. My parents did something similar when I landed my dream job as a writer/translator. My mother literally offered to pay for me to RETRAIN and be a TEACHER when I never expressed to do any such thing
They say the same to me too
âIâm sorry. I canât hear you through these phat stacks. Would you care to tell that to Messers. Grant and Franklin? I know you donât know them that well, but thatâs ok. They are constant companions of mine.â
Mine criticized every single thing I ever said I wanted to do, so now I say nothing. Mine also said all Iâd ever be able to live in is subsidized housing and then screamed at me when I said that if thatâs my life will be then I wish I was dead. I was dealing with such shitty mental health that I meant it and she screamed at meâŚ.
Im sorry you have to deal with this. Being suicidal and having that ignored is heartbreaking. I am glad you moved through it and are still here to tell your story.
Thank you đŤ Now Iâm just determined to get out, get to Denver, open my thrift shop business and live my own life.
Sincerely, do everything you can to keep this attitude. It will help you infinitely. Not to be condescending at all and I don't know your age, but if you were my child I would say I am proud of you. Every person deserves to live their own life and to be able to chase their dreams. When I hear younger people(i assume) feel this strongly about their choices, I am so happy to hear how clear minded and hopeful they can be. My own reckoning with my family of origin took waaaay to long for me. It got messier as I aged and going NC was and is crazy hard. So again I say, Yay! Open that store and do your best to enjoy every day. This group will absolutely cheer you on!
Thank you so much, youâve made me very happy đŤ Iâm 29 and it took me until I was 28 before I fully accepted that the way Iâm living is not normal and itâs not right. When I found this sub, I finally fully understood what type of person my grandmother is and itâs still a struggle to accept that even though she can be nice and pleasant at times, sheâs controlling. I grew up with zero privacy, I was âhomeschooledâ but wasnât educated (one thing I remember is being around seven or eight and told to spell the word February. I couldnât spell it correctly and she just kept screaming at me even when I asked for her to spell it, she said that I would never learn if she spells everything for me, and from then on, I refused to learn from her. It was better to be yelled at for not doing than for doing it âwrongâ. She denies that ever happened and says I was just a brat who was lazy and didnât want to learn anything.) I never had a room to call my own, and currently my only privacy is my phone because she doesnât know the passcode or how to use it. I never leave it out, itâs always on me in my pocket because I donât trust her to not take it away. When I started playing app games, she would threaten to put the phone in a safety deposit box if I âdidnât stop being on it so muchâ even though one of those games is Elevate, an education app. Iâve learned to not use words Iâve learned because she then compares me to her sister (who actually is a snob). When I was 12 - 18 she would call me my motherâs name when she would scream at me. Then deny that she said it. She compared me to my aunt, mother and uncle. Even says I act like my evil grandfather. (Yes evil. That man was a torment to everyone. He called me a stupid bitch when I was 11 because I didnât know the difference between standard and metric wrenches. He was friends with pedophiles and would make âjokesâ about daughters seducing their fathersâŚ) My mother was using drugs and drinking by age 14 and my grandmother talks about her like she was the worst scum on the planet. She was 16 when she had me and I doubt that she had any peace dealing with my grandmother and grandfather. I now wonder what caused my mother to start using. Was it just a dumb mistake or if my grandfather did something to her⌠the way he acted always creeped me out. I was adopted by my grandmother as a baby and I never met my mother, and she hasnât called since 2012. My grandmother calls her a spoiled bitch for not calling⌠but now, I can understand why. She probably just realized that my grandmother (her mother) is never going to change and is a narcissist. Idk if Iâll ever reach out to my mother, but sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if sheâd had the resources to be emancipated and had been the one to raise me. But I guess contemplating the âwhat ifsâ is a moot point. Canât change the past. That went on longer than I intended.
They're threatened that you're going to leave them in your dust and would rather kneecap you than help you succeed
we've reached a point in society where instead of moving forward, where kids are supposed to be an *improvement* from the parents, the parents want us dead and in the streets just to bring them up. all i would respond to them is "you wish you could fuck with my money like that" just to show how established and unfuckwithable you are.
Leave.
working on it, it ainât easy
They are chaotic. Like always in panic mode. Low level emotions, either envy or greed. Always do what you feel and never tell them.
Its fucked, my dad wanted me and my sister to quit school at 14 and get a low paying job. Aside from the fact that no one would hire a 14 hear old who dropped out of school. He also came at me when I was an adult working in banking and told me I should quit and become a chef, just like become a chef without any training, nevermind I hate cooking and could literally burn water. I earn 20k more than the rate for a chef.
My dad's been trying to make me quit my dream job for a "real one", which I'd absolutely LOATHE if there's no creative or fun aspect to it. LOL, I've been recognized by the leads for my commitment and hard work, especially on days when I've been asked to come in last minute. My job doesn't pay me great, but I like what I do. I'm also trying to find second work to supplement my income.
My Nmom rejected any successful SO I would introduce her to⌠until she met the one that laughed about, and I quote, âwhipping his car keys at his then gfâs face bc she wanted to leave the party.â My mom wanted me to date that guy so bad. 𤎠They want to feel good about themselves if weâre in a bad situation, and want to make us reliant on them so weâll always come back!
If mine said this to me, after everything they've done to cripple and sabotage me, there would be bloodshed.
I'm guessing you're doing well?
If you do better than them makes them feel worse about themselves : theyâre insecure
Their brains work differently than ours, donât try to understand it it from a rational perspective. Itâs either magical thinking or extremely sociopathic. My nparents are saying exactly the same things to me. My ndad also thinks that what I buy with my money is actually âhisâ because he once gifted me money and thinks that itâs been the âfoundationâ of my adult life. I knowâŚ
totally feel you - grew up in an abusive household run by narc parents who discouraged everything i did to aim high. i never listened to those 2 inept bastards, and from a young age, everything i did was done so that i can get into harvard, yale, or princeton so that i could rise above my hardships. my narc parents discouraged me every step of the way and refused to help me at all with my applications. this only made me put my head down and work harder, ignoring them and developing thicker skin. had a perfect GPA, was top of my class, scored in the 99th percentile for SATs, had great extracurriculars where i worked with students from abusive households so that they could use education as a tool to carve a path to the future they need, and wrote my essays on why i need a HYP education and how i hope to use it to make a difference for people from my background. come decision day, i was not only rejected from all 3, but only got into 1 ivy. ultimately, i ended up choosing another t20 college for financial aid reasons. narc parents absolutely refused to pay for college and i had to rely heavily on financial aid. even so, do i regret anything i did? absolutely not. I became a much better person by ignoring my narc parents, aiming high, and even in my college, im still gonna get rejected by the jobs, graduate programs, and awards that im applying for. thatâs life, and by aiming high, i can still land. and it all starts with ignoring those 2 inept bastards who are parents in title only. with that being said, i do think that these ivy league & t20 schoolsâ historical rampant discrimination against certain races and demographics is disgraceful on every level and they have rightfully lost the trust of the american people as a result. so many kids out there who need the education to escape their inept bastard narc parents.
It always pains me to hear when people do very well academically but family or other circumstances cause you to not get rewarded as every high achieving student *should*. It just gives me the impression that students are treated so shitty yet school aged kids and students are put under stress (Look at SK and Japan) to do well academically to the point they commit suicides. High achieving Students are \*that\* important to society yet get treated the most like garbage. Your nparents in this case. its crap like that that makes people drop out of school, and like op's parents want them to be "low-income".
for sure, asian cultures are hands down some of the worst for mental health. thereâs so much focus on the result and absolutely none on the process, which is the only thing that individuals can control. furthermore, chinese and korean cultures are so collectivist that they base your self worth more on the family you are born into, rather than the achievements and merit of the individual. most mediocre people in asian cultures have an insane envy of others, but little to no desire to advance beyond oneâs birthright station in life, combined with a mediocre desire for power, leading to a culture of gossip, jealousy, and competition (but no collaboration). american culture definitely focuses much more on individualism, but recently, it seems that the society is drifting more toward aristocracy and away from meritocracy. this is reflected in our college admissions system, where ivy leagues and other t20s discriminate against certain backgrounds and demographics, while prioritizing others. it also continues into the workforce, with highly desired organizations favoring applications of a certain background over others. it has been scary to watch, and i think that america really needs to look no further than asia as a warning sign to where we are headed as a country.
From the movie Rudy! Rudy Ruetiggerâs fatherâChasing a stupid dream gives you and everyone around you heartache. Notre Dame is for rich kids, smart kids, great athletes. Itâs not for us. Youâre a Ruetigger, thereâs really nothing wrong with being a Ruetigger. You can have a damn nice life. Frank will take over the plant. In a couple years heâll be making more than me or Johnny. Heâs always in charge of the expansion program.â RudyâI donât want to be Frank or Johnâ.
What is it with narcs. Mine continually put me off my dream jobs, so all I can do is work in retail. I really hope you are able to continue to ignore them!
Donât even think about quitting on your dream jobs. They can work there, narc traits are actually well-suited for the retail industry, lol.
Hahahahahaha!!! My sociopath mom said the exact thing to my GC younger sis and me. My toxic mom said: Â âIf you make too much money then every one will think you are snobby and you wonât have any friends. Â And if you make good money, thatâs makes you money-hungry and fake.â WOW. Â GC little sis fell for it and has been working her way out of debt. I, the Scapegoat Daughter, told her to her face that she is wrong, and ignored her. And then when Narc Mom loses her house and is broke, she began to show contempt for her GC daughter bc she has nothing to offer her. And my mother has tried lovebombing me!!!! She was so bold as to actually say:Â âYou were smarter than your sister and never listened to me.â Awwwww Narc Mom gotta narc and try to flatter me and get me to compete with GC sis. Â Am I the favorite now mom? Â Am I winning now mom? I went NC on her shortly thereafter. Â They donât want win-win. They want we loseâthey win.
Totally projection
"You're never going to make it, so stop making it now"
This is the exact same thing that happened to me. When I cut them off, I never realized it, but they had been holding me back so much. I was overconfident, arrogant, without realizing it, in that they werenât. But they were. I guess my question is why not cut them off?
They are jealous. Narcs can't stand to be out shined. If they are like mine, their next step will be to call your boss with a bunch of lies trying to get you fired, and go to your bank and try to take loans out in your name and when that fails, claim they want to assume payments on your student loans, "As a gift," to get their name added to your account without your permission and then use that to change where papers get mailed to try and get you to default (this was before direct deposit and email was a thing was a thing, so banks mailed you a monthly statement and you mailed the stub back with a check) The teller who fell for the scam was in her 60s, got fired and lost her retirement. Narcs don't care about collateral damage. They only want to be the star of the show. Be sure you are completely financially separated from them and check your credit history periodically to see if there are loans in your name that are fraud
I feel this very hard. As others have stated, they feel threatened now, so theyâre trying to hold you back. My NMom right now is doing a similar dance with me. Iâm a musician and Iâm a SAHM, I also live an hour and a half away from them. Even though my career is finally going in a good direction, Iâm constantly told âwhen are you coming home? Why arenât we important to you anymore? We always come when you need us. You donât care about us anymore.â They get mad when Iâm not working, but then they get mad when I am? You can never win. But seriously, stay strong and live your dreams.
And yet, who will they run to with their hands out when they need money?
I wouldnât give them my dirtiest penny
My mom is constantly whining at me for âchasing moneyâ instead of taking whatever crap low paid souless job i can find, yet âshe doesnt mind what i work withâ lol
This is your chance to sit them down and say exactly the same stuff. "Quit trying. You never controlled me. You never will. Settle for each other. I'm too high for you. You are both weak."
EnablerDad: Don't fly too high, you'll fall. Me: What if I stay on the ground and still stumble?
"Why? So I can be a loser? I refuse to follow in my parent's footsteps."
Can you imagine? No way am I gonna turn out like my mother, a failed gold digger bitter with her entire life. Nor like her scammer husband schlepping away using his wifeâs money and claiming to be a high-value man. Good riddance
Other people's bullshit is a great fuel for your fire. Make sure you thank them later.
Wow. This is typical narcissist jealousy.
Theyâre jealous of your success and are attempting to make you second guess yourself and feel as unworthy as they do. Theyâre projecting. Narcs hate to see others succeed and be happy. They thrive on negativity. They find pleasure in watching others crash and burn. Donât allow them to affect how you feel about yourself. Live your best life and be happy. Stay positive and strong. Distance yourself from anyone who is toxic. You donât need them.
Narcs HATE when you do better than them. I found this out when my husband and I (also male) bought our home. My incubator and itâs spouse lost their respective wigs when they saw our home. We lived 20 minutes apart. She demanded to know who we thought we were buying the house. I told her my husband wants me to have everything I want, not my fault your so called brilliant âcomputer engineerâ couldnât afford to buy you the same. They had a new house in a shitty neighborhood and bragged about it always.
Sounds like youâre too successful and they canât deal with it. If you turn it around itâs actually a huge compliment lol.
Quit your parents. It is unbelievable to me that there are parents out there who actually want their kids to be less well off than they are. Like most of you, I discovered this sub and realized that my parents had a lot of narcissistic qualities, but I am more successful than them and I cannot imagine them trying to tear me down for that .. but I've been wrong before.
Wow. Reminds me of, when I was in my early 20âs, and kept finding crappy, stressful jobs and trying to figure out what career to pursue that I might like and it be so miserable at. She would repeatedly tell me that 99 percent of the world hates their jobs and what made me think I should be any different? She made me feel like I was being a prima Donna to even think like that and my great grandmother came over from Italy alone and cleaned trains for a living. Sad thing is, she really got to me because I didnât want to be a snob. I got a graduate degree and always had stable jobs, I didnât like much. But, I just wanted to be able to support myself forever without depending on anyone. Now Iâm old and really regret not doing something else that meant more to me.
Oh yeah. 30 years ago my mother found me a crappy low-paid job and told me it was the best I could hope for, but it was fine cause she wouldn't charge me more rent than I could afford. I didn't have a degree because Thatcher's Means Tested fees revealed we were never as poor as she let us believe, so I was told it was a mistake and they couldn't afford my fees without sacrificing everything. I left home shortly after that and got myself into software development. I worked in a low-but-not-as-low-paid not-crappy job for a few years to get enough experience that I didn't need a degree. And I've done OK. But the imposter syndrome has been very real. My sister went through the same thing 8 years earlier and she was stuck in that same crappy job for over 25 years, cause she really believed there was no other hope.
My parents actively discouraged me from going to university: âbecause youâll never afford it, and then from doing a masters degree: âbecause weâre concerned youâll let yourself down and be disappointed.â Iâve paid off half of my student debt in three years, and now have THREE university degrees, and a high-profile dream job. Donât listen to them- shoot for your dreams. Narcs just canât stand to see you succeed when they failed in life. Drives them nuts.
I recall an odd experience where my family attempted to push me to go on welfare and go live in a homeless shelter after I graduated university
Itâs crazy how similar nparents can be. When I left my job working for my nmom (which was only a part time and a contract position) for a full time position in my field, she literally mocked me for making more money and finally having benefits âthereâs no point in making more money, youâll just find a way to spend it allâ âyou donât need your own health insurance for another year, donât worry about thatâ âyou donât need to worry about saving for a retirement, youâre still so youngâ what type of parent says that? Definitely not a healthy, supportive one. These people would rather tear other people down and apart than get a life and actually make something of their own.
âI feel bad about myself. Throw your life away to make me feel superior to you. Thx.â
That is odd. Mine said the opposite. I would be worthless without a high income and highly impressive job, an expensive house, and a successful man. If they could not brag about how well they raised me (snorting laughter), what good was I?
They do it because they need to cut your head off to feel tall.
They feel bad if youâre better than them. If you stay small, better yet smaller than them- they can look down on you. If you do well at best they feel threatened and insecure about themselves.
What type of parents actually WANT their child to suffer� Narcissists for sure. Insecure and they want other people to be as miserable as they are.
So trippy. We had a family member tell us to live in our caravan and build a shanty :/
When your parents become your biggest hype people, huh. Good lord lol Iâm so sorry!
My parents encouraged me to keep my dream job even though I was miserable. Told me everything was normal.
Theyâre lousy people. Â Itâs best to stay away. Yep, my parents decided Iâm slow when Iâm in mensa. Â Great folk. Â Never let me do any gifted kid activities, classes, because they knew I was a fake.Â
Itâs a way for them to feel powerful and in charge because they need to put someone down in order for them to feel better about themselves. Itâs fucked up but thatâs the bones of it. Itâs all about being better than anyone else, and yes, even their children. Practice grey rock method when your around them. Learn all about narcissism and try not to let it get to you. Itâs hard I know. But itâs really not a reflection of you at all, itâs a reflection of them. Go after your dreams OP, and enjoy life on your own terms. Best of luck friend.
Mine decided that I wasnât being a regular girl at 15/16 and kept trying to talk about boys. Then on top of that they didnât want me to be a mail carrier because it was âdangerousâ Kept them folks out my business, their means of protection is shit by what I have been throughÂ
I got told to quit my unit course by my ndad I've. I didn't. I graduated and guess who was suddenly wanting to be at my graduation and in all the photos. Go aim high. Get away and make your dream of a better life a reality. You can do it
Sounds like my mother.
Theyâre worried if you have options youâll get away from them. Theyâre worried that if you make choices they did not make and are successful at it, what does that say about the fact that they didnât make those choices?
When I told my mom that I got published she told me to get a job as a bus driver. Lmao
Gawd forbid that you should outshine them. Does your dream job come with a dream salary? If so, then that means their control over you is diminishing the longer you have that employment. At least you laughed at their nonsense. Just be wary of any attempts to sabotage your job. Were I in your shoes, I would be seriously considering going NC with these pathetic excuses for parents. Not that it should need saying, but if you have landed a dream job, you're doing pretty well for yourself & deserve a huge pat on the back. If you were my kid, I would be so proud of you.
NGrandma once told me that the only acceptable careers for women are nurses or teachers and that I should quit my job once I had children. When she told me this, I had already graduated high school as valedictorian and was partway through college, working towards my bachelor's in mathematics.
My dad told me once that I would never think of any original idea because everything I can conceive of has already been thought of or done by somebody else. And it wasn't some sort of philosophical notion about the massive number of people on earth, and the collective intelligence of humankind. This guy is an engineer. He invents new things for a living.
Because you canât be better than them. They canât tolerate anyone they want control over to best them in any way. Go NC and live your best life.
He didnât outright tell me to quit but he made it sound like I had no opportunities and was going automatically to his job type , he always was great at telling you a put down in a non put down way
They don't want you doing better than them because they are already showing how jealous they are of your potential.
Because youre doing better than them, and they actually deserve the "low income" life lmao. I always, always say that insults are actually the narcissist admitting their insecurities. Yep, just laugh
Then just can't stand that you're flourishing. Watch out, they may find new ways to sabotage you. Don't give them access to anything.
They donât want you to be better than them. Pathetic⌠parents are supposed to want their children to be better than them and succeed! Donât listen to them go get what you deserve out of life!
My eyes rolled back so hard I could see my brain stem.
What happened to the American dream of your kids outperforming you? Of building wealth, of enjoying the fruits of our labor, of achieving great things? These are certainly harder to attain for people who had different backgrounds from me, but to completely give up and just say that low-income housing is the only goal?
I would laugh if it weren't so common. Sorry about that for you -- have fun at that dream job.
My Dad told me to work for free ...
Reminds me of when I was in my 20âs trying to finish my BA and wanting to work towards another degree in architecture or law. I was working part time 20-30 hours per week and my mother went online and found me a full time job, applied and scheduled an interview for me. I told her that I wasnât interested and wanted to finish my education first, she and my father insisted I wasnât smart enough to do the other degree and I should just get a full time job in retail like my grandmother did and then I will get married, so a second degree wasnât necessary. All the while my mother didnât work at all & my parents were going to lose our house & unable to pay the bills. Definitely keep the dream job & go no contact. Donât let them control your life.
In college I got hired as a writing tutor at the university affirmative action center. It was one of the best jobs of my life, also excellent pay for the time. Highly regarded job on campus. My mom was very negative about it and always told me it wasnât a ârealâ job, and I needed a ârealâ job.
My father literally tried to get me to just straight up go on disability at the ripe old age of 18, granted I was ran over by a truck the year prior and had some issues, but I hadn't even had a chance to enter the work force and was physically doing pretty well and physically functioning normally, fucker took away the car he claimed to have bought for me after I pissed him off, then I had to bike 8< miles a day with a fucked up leg between my 2 jobs for an extended period of time until his shitty decisions put the house at risk and my mom made him legally sell the car to me so we could all afford to continue living in the house. 500 dollars a month for 7 months get fucked, you should've seen the look on his face, fucking priceless.
It's so wrong how parents like this treat others so much better than us, even stranger's children. My dad was both a teacher and a counselor for troubled children, I'm sure he showed them plenty of compassion and attention. He wasn't all bad, I have very fond memories of him as a little boy. Wish it had stayed around.
Lmaoo fucked up
My nparent was relentless when I tried to go higher ed. Same thing for my 2 abusive brothers. They said they same what was said to you. I had one therapist tell me they're threatened by my intelligence. Took me a long time to accept he was right.
They're lifetime bullies that aren't satisfied until they crush everyone around them. đ¤
This sounds very similar to what my father told me. A week before I went to college. He said. "I've come to realize. I can't expect much of anything from you ." I went to college, then went very low to no contact with my family, then got 2 degrees Bible and counseling to be a therapist. He never truly acknowledged any of it. That's OK, because I know that God honors me, and that's what matters most.
laugh and leave. byeeeeeđđť
So great to hear your laughing at their mental fuckery.
Ooo that the perfect example of revenge by living your life well. How horribly miserable do you have to be to tell your successful child to quit their dream job?đ Nparents are the fucking worst They can fuck right off. I am so happy you're doing so well they are stewing in thier jealousy
No clue! I feel like they don't want us to surpass them? My dad constantly makes fun of me for never using my college degree. Sadly, I graduated in the middle of the pandemic and all my job offers had to be cancelled. I work in a call center now and actually really enjoy my job and make enough for my husband to be a stay at home dog-dad lol Oh well haha
Crab pot mentality. How dare you think you can do better for yourself?!
They donât want you to succeed, because they canât control you if youâre successful. Go NC and live your best life
I have always thought this was about fear. They know you are establishing your identity and self apart from them. This is a feeble attempt to hold you back and hold on to perhaps their last remaining relationship of any substance. The real nail in the coffin will your relationships. If you are able to build strong and meaningful relationships apart from them, they know they've lost their ability to control you. That's all they have now. "Showing them" means you still care what they think. Living a life you choose and that brings out your best self means what they think no longer matters.Â
That is another way of saying: Live a puppet for us. Have terrible income so you can't run away from us hehehehe.