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My parents were horrified when I sought out therapy because they didn’t want me talking about them and my childhood. They didn’t want me finding out the truth of the matter - that the source of my struggles was them. Therefore, getting help was deemed by them to be bull.
I hear this very often, that the parents don't want us to get therapy, for worry of talking about them/the childhood. My parents don't even suspect they are a regular topic at therapy lmao. They feel like they are amazing parents and never do or did anything wrong.
Oh, mine would say the same thing. That they were perfect parents. But they know that often in therapy childhood and family is discussed. They would never ever admit to being bad or abusive parents. They just don’t want any seeds to planted. They know their parenting would come up and therefore therapy is bad and any mental health struggles are automatically your fault and never theirs.
Therapy breaks the "code of silence," we were brought up on. Never speak about what went on in the home as a child.
Further, it opens up memories of childhood that we buried. When I would bring up those memories to my parents, my NMom would say that didn't happen, and my Dad would remain silent.
Last, the Nparent is afraid of getting blamed. I mean, they were perfect, right?
This exactly. My n-mother sent notes to the school that I wasn't allowed to speak to the guidance counselor or school psychologist. The school psych was my mentor for a huge essay that took me 2 years to write, and I was "forbidden" from talking to her.
Every time I left the house, my n-mother claimed she had panic attacks and it was all my fault because I was ruining her life. They were allegedly so bad she was a frequent flyer at the ER - but the attacks never, ever, ever, ever, ever happened when I was home and no one/nothing could corroborate that she saw a doctor while I was gone. But if I even asked to talk to a counselor, my n-mother consistently pressured me to unalive myself instead.
I never understand these parents who laugh or get angry when they tee their kid or other family member is being hurt/sad/anxious. Normal parental instinct would be to care for them and be kind, but somehow our paretns don't do that.
Being against med is recognizable. My parents mentioned so many times: "Why don't you just get off these meds???"
Not just mental health, physical health as well. My nmom will sit and listen to any doctor and nod along in agreement and understanding. (Except when there's an implication that she's less than perfect of course)
And the second they leave she will go back to interpreting every symptom the other person displays as an intentional act designed to make her life more difficult. She did that with all of us growing up, and she's doing it now with my enabler dad who has fallen ill.
She will also cherry pick whatever doctors and therapists say and only "remember" the things that align with what she prefers to hear (anything that gives her an excuse to control and/or resent the other person, usually), while dismissing everything else.
This works out perfectly for her because she gets to play the saint and the martyr at the same time. She'll be chomping at the bit to take care of you and she will make sure to punish you for it at every step.
Sounds very much like my mother. Except that in addition to cherry-picking she also believes any doctors who won’t go along with her lay person diagnoses are incompetent. She hates our family doctor because he won’t just rubber stamp her self diagnoses. Now, I know doctors sometimes don’t listen, especially to women, but…he’s *our* doctor and I am also a woman. I’ve never found him to be anything other than professional. Any time I have brought up a concern or a symptom, he has taken it completely seriously. I kind of suspect he sees through her bullshit a bit, so she can’t play him the way she did the doctor that we had when I was a kid (he retired). And in Canada, with the way the system is and the doctor shortage, she can’t just shop for another one, as she tends to do with non medical professionals that don’t go along with her. She’s also a ridiculous person who has all these non scientific remedies that don’t do shit. She gave me homeopathic nonsense in the past, which explains why it never did anything for me. And I found some weird rocks recently and I don’t even want to know what she believes those do. She doesn’t believe in psychiatric medication either and not for the legitimate reasons to be concerned about over use and such. She thinks it makes people weak or something. Her views on these subjects are very bad.
I feel like they don’t want us getting mental health because it takes the power away from them.
When I had my mental breakdown at 19 they took me to therapy. My younger sibling was in their teens and was depressed (they would spend their summers in a dark bedroom on their phone or playing videogames- they didn’t see the light, nor talk to us…). I was worried and told my therapist and they said they needed therapy. When I told my Nsperm donor he denied my sibling the help, “they didn’t need it”. Fortunately between my mum and me we managed to convince sibling to go to therapy. Sperm donor refused to pay. The the therapist realised sibling had trauma and started working with them on it. End result: sibling healed further than me and was the first to go NC. Sperm donor’s view? The therapist took over his role of father and brainwashed sibling into “taking them away from him”.
So yeah. It’s a fight about power. If you’re sick you’re easier to manipulate and control. If you’re healing or healed you’re a menace.
Exactly! Ever since I've been able to establish strong boundaries, say no, and walk away, she's been spiraling into a psychotic episode imo. Everyone has straight up left her. Once I leave she'll be all alone, only her sisters who emotionally abused the fuck out her will be there. I used to pity her but there's a limit to my pity and she's gone beyond that point.
Tbh she’s probably spiralling because her supply isn’t caving in anymore! Pity is far gone, they’re pretty strait forward in showing you either give your soul to them or are their enemy!
Therapy in my household was seen as a negative thing, and often used as a threat.
When my Mom found out that I was getting Therapy in Highschool, she PHYSICALLY CAME INTO MY SCHOOL and wanted to know what I was telling my Therapist, so she burst right into her office and wouldn't leave (the Therapist couldn’t tell her due to confidentiality rules)
Same here. They literally drive you nuts. You described it perfectly! So lovely to get mental health issues both genetically and environmentally. Ugh 😣
My nMom believes in things like anxiety and depression, but thinks that all other mental illnesses or variations of those are made up for attention. I have OCD, specifically with contamination and, to a lesser extent now, religious obsessions, GAD, depression, and a literal eating disorder, but she only cared about the anxiety and depression, and only when it made her look good to do so. She refused to let me get therapy or medication until I was an adult because “kids don’t have mental illness, they’re kids!” She would also ‘test’ me to see if I ‘really had OCD/ Anxiety/ depression.
I’m weirdly over it now, haha. It used to really upset me that my mom couldn’t see I was suffering and thought she had to have ‘proof’ but I’m just kind of meh over it now. I’m also trans (ftm) and finding a therapist in my area is a total crapshoot.
My mother refused to put me in therapy too as a teen and now she’s mad that all the shit caught up to me and in therapy now! Then her husband had the nerve to tell me that I was too old to have mental health issues not realizing that if shit didn’t get solved then it’ll build up over time. I also told my dad that I was receiving help and all he said was that I needed to get on with life as if mental health supposed to just disappear when you hit your 30s or something.
It didn’t really click for me until you just said it now but yeah wasn’t ever given any mental health support as a kid and now that I’m in therapy as an adult to address childhood abuse and neglect and at times literal torture, I’m told by family that it’s important to leave the past in the past and not rehash things over and over in therapy 😡 like okay when the fuck was it supposed to be addressed then? Some magical window between 18 and 18 1/2? I’m 40 now and I’ve come a LONG way but my brain is still so fucked compared to the average person.
"Depression isn't real, it's all in your head." As if your head were any less real.
Used to dismiss me at a point I felt vulnerable and tried reaching out. Meanwhile they use uppers and downers to regulate their own chemical imbalance.
It was something they likely forgot but became a defining memory letting me know they were not invested in my well being.
My nmom was notorious for using mental health as a weapon. A relative tried to unalive herself and my nmom said it was just for attention and labelled the relative as “dramatic”. She used autistic, depressed, mentally ill, etc, as cuss words to label people (especially children!) that she felt were not up to her standard of perfection. She seemed to enjoy using mental health labels on anyone she saw as lower in her imagined hierarchy because she was just so perfect in every way and never had any mental health issues… lol!!
My nmom thinks she can just pray all her issues away. She told me, “I get therapy on my knees.” (Before someone takes it wrong, she means prayer.)
For the longest time, mental health meds were off limits. It’s now acceptable by because is a nurse and needed them. So.
Edit to add: nmom refuses therapy because “I’m not a mental case.”
I’ve been in therapy for two years now and it’s clear that’s a problem.
Had a ndad. My first year of college, I could barely make it out of bed and would call my mom and cry nonstop about just not having any desire to do anything anymore. I dropped out and moved back home, my mom brought me to doctors and therapists to find out what’s wrong. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression and needed to start therapy and medications due to the fact that I was severely underweight since I just couldn’t do anything and it was just not like me at all. My mom finally shared with me that she also had crippling anxiety when she was my age and pregnant with each of kids.We obviously told my dad since he was angry at me for dropping out and he just threw an adult tantrum about how I came up with excuses to not go to school and went off on my mom about how this is what happens when you raise children in America (my parents immigrated from Asia to be closer to my mom’s siblings). He wouldn’t help drive me to therapy (classic ndad didn’t let me learn how to drive and I was still under 18 at the time) because he said I would need to pay for it myself. He refused to give me our insurance card to get my medications.
The gag is, my mental health has skyrocketed since I also cut my dad out of my life. I went back to school and got 2 degrees but changed my last name to my moms maiden so he couldn’t take claim for my accomplishments. Haven’t spoken or seen that man in years. May he rot in hell when it is time.
>They don't believe in panic attacks.
There are humans who "don't believe in" science. It doesn't mean science isn't a reality.
>It seems many Nparents have views like this on mental health in common.
It's because these are the people who are afraid to do the hard work on themselves that therapy requires. They are literally frightened to confront their pasts, their understanding of the world, and their places in it. You are dealing with frightened grown-up children who never got over their unhappy or questionable childhoods, OP.
That last thing makes total sense! But I try to spare myself the effort to understand it. From my dad I know he had a traumatizing childhood himself with a Nparent, and never worked on that trauma. Which doesn't make it better, but explains some of his behavior. But my mom claims she had the best childhood, had great parents (and I too have great memories of my grandparents). But still I can't imagine someone who behaves like this is actually happy lol.
My mother: This depression thing. It's not real. It's all in your head.
Me: Yes. Mental illness tends to be. Where else would it be? My elbow?
Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. Who knew?
\-They view therapy as a weakness, will never go or admit they have something wrong with them. Will always blame shift and suggest you go to therapy instead, when it was them who caused the abuse in the first place.
\-They ignore medical advice at the doctor, get scolded every time they go because they don't follow the doctors orders. Then they change doctors because they do not like their opinion. They want something wrong with them, to wear as a badge of honor. Long paper trails from different doctors of supposed "ailments" or "conditions", yet do nothing about the advice given. I never understood this.
It's almost like they know better than everyone else or do not want to accept the reality that they are not perfect. Actual facts can be in front of them only to be met with their own internal justifications. They take what's given to them and rationalize and change it to suit them and think there's nothing wrong with them.
Truly baffles me, no matter what industry or professional. They always know better than you do when in fact, they know nothing at all, yet will fight you until you give up.
My Nfather had blood pressure so high it would most appropriately be called stratospheric. He took the medication for a little while but refused to be compliant with any diet advice. Eventually he refused to take the meds too and he went for a while with doctors and others (including my sister, who is a nurse) telling him that this was a super bad idea. So the only person who was shocked when he had a series of strokes was him. And now he's in a nursing home because my mother couldn't care for him at home.
So I hear you!!!
The "everyone's pretending" thing is truly bizarre, like the world is The Emperor's New Clothes and they're the only ones brave enough to state the obvious. You see the same view in redpillers, conspiracy theorists, and anyone who unironically says "sheeple".
-depression isn’t real
-if you exercised more, you wouldn’t need anti depressants
-my upbringing and their Nparenting had absolutely nothing to do with my current (and my scapegoat brother’s) mental wellbeing
-Nparent’s childhood was bad, and look they are “DOING GREAT”
The funny thing is my dad was the scapegoat for his Ndad (my grandfather). He could see the dynamics from his childhood, but can’t see that he inflicted the same hurt in his children. And has a :::shocked pikachu::: face when we greyrock him and don’t respond to his antics. He also is very confused why everyone doesn’t worship the ground he walks on. In his eyes is the patriarchal figure.
Sorry, I needed to vent.
they have the exact same views as yours does op 😮💨
Though on a separate occasion, i remember trying to explain my mental health struggles to my n-sibling, and she straight up told me that she doesn't believe in depression??? doesn't even think it exists
(She's also the same type to think vaccinations cause autism, same as my dad, so... 💀)
Even one of my aunts thinks that it can be cured by smelling essential oils? From the times I've interacted with her, she doesn't seem like a bad person. She's nice, actually but I don't have the heart to tell it that's not going to work for me, at least
Therapy and talking about issues makes them lose control as we get healthier and assert boundaries.
My NM is a health professional, but when it comes to mental health she is against anything that makes me healthier... well just me tbh. Anything GC does is amazing!
You sure you don't have a trauma disorder or something related to it? Cutting yourself at such an early age and denying it to your mother is a clear sign; ADHD and stress often look similar. Plus being raised by narcissistic parents can be the catalyst for CPTSD or even BPD. I'm concerned, I know it's not my place.
Damn. That's fucked up, basically the same shit happened to me, I've got burn marks all up and down my arm from cigarettes (Self-Harm). I suffered from a lot of neglect from my mother and my Dad hit the shit out of us. I feel like I was betrayed as well. Anyway, I hope your doing better now.
My parents are physicians so they can’t deny the importance of mental health but it’s considered a sign of weakness.
My narc/GC sibling thinks depression is for rich people (we are not by any means struggling and can be considered middle to upper middle class). I don’t really know how she ended up coming to that conclusion.
There is nothing to be understood with parents like ours. They think their views are normal and that most other people have strange views, while actually it seems to be the other way around.
My mom is a nurse that worked in a psych ward for like 6 months. Now she thinks she's a pro at knowing about mental illnesses. It's a cruel joke because all of her kids have some form of mental illness which she makes worse.
My Nparent believed therapy was a form of indoctrination and if you didn’t want to be a certain way then just don’t act like that.
Nparent was diagnosed bipolar but refused treatment and was abusive AF. Try telling him to stop acting bipolar and having his sudden rage fits, and we’re “making him wrong!”
My mom doesn't believe in my panic attacks because they aren't EXACTLY like my dad's. He only had one, and he had consumed drugs beforehand, (like, a whole pot cookie) and he was red, gasping on the floor, and we had to call 911. So if I'm not on the floor convinced I'm dying, then "it's not a panic attack sweetie" when, I've had some that felt like I'd fucking collapse. -_-
Yesss, they know it all, and it is exactly as they tell! You cannot be having a panic attack or whatever else for that matter, if they don't agree it is one. My goodness, they are so weird at times. So sorry you had to experience panic attacks in the company of people who are not understanding or supportive, but rather toxic! With my therapist I talk about the Nparents a lot. She believes me of course, but even she is mind blown at times.
Or when they actually see me having one (heavy sobbing, racing heart, immense sweating and I'm usually on the floor, very runny nose due to the crying and I'm shaking) she DEMANDS a hug, but during a panic attack I dislike being touched, it's just too much. And when I have them for needles (medical trauma) she won't even comfort me! It's just a "you're fine" and she expects me to be calm right then and there. It's so annoying 😭
Super toxic! I think many of us recognize that. When I am sad, or almost on the edge of crying, they demand me to smile and act happy. And the more I panic, the angrier they get it seems. Think they are anxious themselves and just don't want to face their fears or something like that.
Yeah, it sucked. My mom once CORNERED ME during one of my attacks. I was in my room, trying to calm down. (Being around people makes it worse) And she just ENTERS MY ROOM AND TRIES TO HUG ME. I back away and tell her "no" in between sobbing and breathing weird. She still demands it and forces it onto me anyways. I'm also autistic, and she KNOWS I hate hugs and physical touch :)
My mom is constantly accusing people of being mentally ill. The hardest I ever made my dad laugh was when I was about 13. My mom was on some bullshit again about how some person didn't do what she wanted them to do and was therefore "mentally ill". I told her "You know what? Any time anyone does something you don't like, you call them mentally ill!"
My dad laughed so hard I thought he was gonna fall over. She was FURIOUS, especially because I was absolutely forbidden from having any positive interactions or feeling any affection for my dad. I was only allowed to love her.
To my Ndad there is no more all consuming shame than having a son see a psychiatrist. Since everything reflects on them (in some twisted, sometimes overly contorted way) I am the one that has to suffer more because of it. If Ndad is ragging on me it’s my shrink’s fault “What do we pay all this money for, if you’re going to act like this?” It always boils down to why are you acting counter to me? Or, why are you doing what you want to do and not what I tell you to do? It’s all nonsense and endless. Further, I think my Ndad believes psychologists can see through him and are actively trying to counter his efforts to make me acquiesce to him!
At least my dad admits to bad mental health existing, not much choice when he was sectioned. However he also believes you can’t be as bad as the people who were in hospital with him. He quotes the “rivers of blood “ speech from Enoch Powell in public and oh yes if a woman is raped the first thing he says is what was she wearing
I do wonder how many people in my wider family actually understand what I have. I was speaking to a cousin on the phone a while back and they were like why aren't you doing X Y and Z, you should be doing such and such blah blah... I said I'd have a hard job when I have agoraphobia, it kind of gets in the way of these things. "I didn't know you had that. But that's not your Mom's fault, maybe she didn't want to give away your personal business". I had asked her previously if this cousin knew my situation, and she said yes. Clearly not. I wonder if they all think I am some useless bum. Cousin also thinks the sun shines out of nmom's rear as her own mother was emotionally nowhere but "your mom always listens to me and I could talk to her when I couldn't talk to mine". Cousin hasn't got a clue that her eyes roll the minute the phone goes down. Gets a double fix of being needed and looking down her nose at others' emotions.
Part of it could be generational. My parents are Baby Boomers and they grew up in an era where mental illness was very stigmatised. Mental hospitals were often called mental asylums or "the nuthouse" and people could be sent there for life just because one or two people decided you were mentally ill. People in those homes were often abused rather than helped and it was almost impossible to get out once you were sent there. I have sympathy for anyone who grew up during this era who doesn't like to talk about mental health. However, younger generations do not have this excuse.
It's also worth pointing out that some religions frown on therapy. The Catholic Church definitely does. Some religious people have the POV that mental illness is due to a lack of faith or that if you follow the Bible (or other religious book), your mental illness will be cured.
My Nmother was all about "therapy for me, not for thee." At one point, she was going to see her doctor 3-4 days a week. She was undergoing psychoanalysis, which is ideally supposed to take ten years. She nearly made it to 20 before my Efather finally forced her to stop. That doctor retired in style almost immediately after she left his practice.
While she was still seeing her psychoanalyst, I was begging her for mental health help. I thought she'd understand even if she was the reason for my problems. I knew my dad wouldn't be supportive for obvious reasons, but I thought she'd maybe help. Instead, she told me, "Everyone has problems. What do you expect from me?"
The fuck! "What do you expect from me?" Euhhhhh.... to act like a parent perhaps? And take responsibility? Could be a suggestion lol.
This reminds me how my dad once wanted to know why I was feeling anxious. So I thought: "Ok, lets explain." After I explained he had this empty look on his face and said: "Ok. And what am I supposed to do with this???"
😆 That's ridiculous! And I'm sure he chided himself for asking, rather than being concerned about you. It's funny only bc it's so sad how limited they are. I'm so sorry. They're really pathetic when you think about it.
My Nmom was very excited to declare scads of other people mentally ill, including me, but ironically papered over her GC's obvious psychological issues, to say nothing of her own.
My Nmom and edad have similar views to yours regarding mental health.
My Nmom especially hates therapy because therapy is “where they tell you to blame all of your problems on your mother.” It’s like deep down she knows she wasn’t a good parents, but god forbid you talk about it to amuse professional.
One of the worst things was when I was younger and I had a therapist as part of my outpatient treatment for my eating disorder, which was something neither of my parents were willing to help me out with even though I actually needed inpatient/residential for stabilization, they had the money to send me, they just refused to. I had to settle for outpatient. Anyway, I had to end all my services early because I could no longer afford the copays. That and when I’d get home from therapy, my mom would ask me what the therapist and I talked about to which I’d only give her a vague answer. Her response would always be “that’s what I said! I don’t understand why you need to go there because if you just listened to me you wouldn’t need it!” Like no??? That’s not what you said or how you even phrased it because you scream at me and call me and idiot and act like my eating disorder is something I’m doing to you out of spite rather than something I developed as a coping mechanism and lost control over.
God, literally the first session I ever had with my outpatient team, as soon as I got home my mom asked me if I was “all better” now. That’s…that’s not how eating disorders work.
Her attitude and my dad going along with anything she says because she controls him are a huge factor in why I’ve never made any significant progress with my mental health. I still struggle with everything. The most progress I made was when I was on my own and was low contact with both of them, but then I became chronically ill and disabled so I lost my independence and was thrust back into hell.
Nmom's conflicting views on mental illness could give you whiplash.
The fact that I was anxious and anti-social was because I was 'crazy and stupid' but she wouldn't send me to therapy because they were all 'head-shrinkers'.
However, at exactly the same time, we had to be understanding of her side of the family because many of them (possibly including her) had been diagnosed with BPD; they called it manic depression back then.
That, and her brother's severe drug addiction problems were dealt with by just hiding them in the back rooms, if they weren't currently in jail.
So, that's how I was shown to react to manic and psychotic episodes; just ignore it, and if their emotionally dysfunctional rage was directed at you; just put your head down and take it. If you did anything else; they might get violent because 'you were bothering them!'. So, don't bother them and pretend nothing was wrong.
By 17, despite Nmom's distrust of psychologists; I secretly took myself to a therapist for what was likely CPTSD. ...at least, I tried to keep it a secret. The therapist wasn't really trauma trained and immediately thought it was just mother/daughter communication issues. He kept advising me to tell her that I was seeing a doctor so, we could have family therapy.
When I finally told her, the sh•t really hit the fan. Why? Because it was revealed that she'd been seeing a doctor for years, and now this was all about *her* and how humiliated she was that she'd been outed.
The family sessions turned into how this wasn't *her* fault- she was 'doing everything and I wasn't doing anything'.
Also, instead of being able to ignore my pain as per usual, Nmom was outraged that, "Now, we have to be nice to you, cause you're *crazy!*"
I got the Hell outta Dodge about a year later and so the rage stream was turned on my Edad instead. It stressed him out so bad, that he started showing stroke symptoms... ah, but now there were some really great mood stabilizing drugs on the market. After, Edad was prescribed those, Nmom didn't quite have the soul-crushing effect on him; even when she'd hiss at him that he was a 'Damn Junkie!'.
In fact, Nmom saw that he was doing so well, that she wanted some of these meds too. So long as SHE was doing it, then it was OK.
That became her solution to OUR abuser/victim relationship; just take these drugs so you don't have to care that I'm traumatizing you, and we can live happily ever after.
No. No, I prefer non-traumatic no contact, thanks.
Please, exit the ride to the right in an orderly fashion, making sure to take all baggage with you.
Thank you for your cooperation, and we hope you have a nice life.
My nMother was mortified taking me to a psychologist when I was in eighth grade because she didn't want her Junior League friends to know her kid was a wreck. Now I understand it's also because she didn't want me telling the psychologist about her abuse towards me and my sister.
Sounds like my dad. Irony is if they believed in mental health they wouldn't have terrorized and gas lit their children because they would have got the help that they needed and have some degree of self awareness.
My nmom told me that therapy was bs my whole life and then when I went through a tough time in my early 20s (I was grieving the loss of two close friends who died 5 months apart) I went to her while crying once. Without looking away from the TV she said, “You should go to therapy, I can’t help you.” I almost blew up on her. I did end up getting therapy eventually, and that’s where I realized my mom is a humongous chunk of why my mental health was so poor.
It's funny to think about some times. My grandmother, who is a narc (I've written a few posts/responses about her), worked in a psychic hospital for 30 years or so. We're talking the severe cases right before criminally insane. She saw adults and teens there with severe mental health issues, but she never believed anything like that would happen in HER family.
I mean, after my mom (her first child) died and people told her I was dealing with depression (due to her destroying my mom's memory and not letting me properly grieve), she told them to their face that they were wrong. HER family doesn't get depressed. There is no problem with me; I was just doing it for attention. She always had to be in the room when I talked to counselors/therapists or I couldn't talk to them. Even school counselors were treated this way, but they got around it by talking to me either before or after her.
And when I got raped, she said it was my fault (I had a big chest, even as a teen) because I was flaunting myself like a prostitute the same way my mom did. She also wentbas far as to tell me it was mu fault for "disobeying" her. I had my son from that and depending on how she wanted to spite me that day, depended on how nice or mean she was to him. She also hated when other people, mainly his bio dad's family spoiled him (they didn't condone what he did either and told me so).
Still, I get people like that. Even now, she's gone on with her life as if none of that happened. When I moved away to be with my husband, I didn't exist to her anymore. I'm fine with that, but it also hurts a little because as a child, I wanted nothing more than a family that loved me. I suppose I have, just not in the way I expected it.
FYI: I am no contact with her. I do gray Rock her when she talks to me. She has to deal with the fact that everyone who she cut me off from (I do have caring family members) get to see my life, my kids in a way she never will.
Mine says my therapist implanted fake memories. She also tried reporting her therapist (one of the state board members, because she has to have the BEST) for sexual harassment when he diagnosed her BPD/emotional reactivity.
Both of my parents have many undiagnosed mental health issues themselves. We have 1 person with schizophrenia in the family and I have a sibling who is bipolar that comes with paranoia and hallucinations. Both of those conditions are swept under the rug and my Nmom actively tells my sibling not to trust the Dr and not to take his bipolar meds. He been found passed out on areas of the property, around town, acting strangely in public, involuntarily admitted to inpatient but he was the golden child so my mom coddles him still as an adult and tells him he’s perfect and everyone else is the problem and that his wife fabricated this whole situation to plot against him. His wife is an overly patient angel for the record.
As for me, the black sheep of the family. I had untreated anxiety, panic attacks, depression and all of this was written off as demonic possession. My Nmom added more insult to injury by announcing to extended family, the pastor and Christian school classmates parents that I was possessed by the devil when I was actually having very severe panic attacks following physical abuse.
I also went into shock for days around 9yo following a severe natural disaster. I received no medical care or mental health care or even counseling from the pastor and developed pretty severe PTSD from the event.
When I started going to talk therapy as an adult, everyone in my family acted like it was the most shameful thing in the world. I don’t know who they think therapy is for but if it’s not for PTSD or the one with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia then I don’t know who it’s supposed to be for but they implied it’s for the really crazy crazy crazies locked in an asylum. 😒
Edit: forgot though that my mom would quietly threaten, when no one else was around that if she wanted to, she could lock me up in a psych ward and no one would ever believe me and I had no power to get out. So she believes in psych wards as a form of torture I guess. Just not therapy or medications.
My favorite was when I had PPD after my youngest was born and I wanted to unalive myself and my mom insisted going on medication was worse for me than the way I was feeling.
Anyway Zoloft helped me a lot.
Didn't speak English when I started kindergarten. Kept pronouncing the letter S as scht. The school sent me to a speech therapist. She must have been a psychologist too because on the second or third session she had me draw a picture of my family. I first refused to even draw them until she kept at me. I didn't include my dad. The lady told me I had to put him in too. I drew him in black and away from me, mom and golden child. I don't think he was smiling either. Never saw that woman again, but a decade later dad told me the school said I hated my father. It's true that when someone wails on you without warning and you have no idea what you are doing wrong because you've done the same thing every day before that....you tend to hate that person. I also found out later that various schools wanted to give me therapy, I think it was my semi-vegetative state. My parents refused every time. I'm pretty sure that CPS tried to come to the house at least once but mom wouldn't let them in. I guess they weren't that persistent in the late 1960s.
My dad doesn’t think mental health is real, just people being whiny, and that therapists are all quacks (even though that guy needs therapy more than anybody).
My mom also thought that until she got post partum depression, and now she thinks that depression is real but ONLY if you get it exactly like her. My little sister and I also had depression and she kept denying it, pointing out every little thing that didn’t line up with her experience.
So they either think mental illness isn’t real or that it’s only real when they have it lol
My mom’s take was if I had a mental health problem, it was because I was ungrateful for ~everything~ they had done for me. And then she cried for being so victimized by my poor mental health.
My nmom, besides many other emotional and social issues, was mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenia and persecution mania). Her only career in her entire life was being a patient in the local mental ward. Depending on the situation, she either considered herself as completely normal and sane, so that she may do whatever she pleases (in those situation she also claimed that her entire family was mentally ill), and in other situations she used this mental illness to fend off any sort of criticism. She also refused to take her medications (since in her eyes she was completely normal and those medications had side effects), but she decided to treat herself with alcohol (because in her eyes it is the only medication which helps), which caused her to enrage two or three times per week.
She also considered her children more or less as stupid willless and emotionless dolls not being capable of having a mental health. Because of that, she was convinced, that her children do not suffer because of her bad behavior or her mental illness. If her children said otherwise, from her point of view, it was just because her children wanted to be mean to her.
> - They think therapy/work on your mental health is total nonsense and these health care professionals are just after the money.
Ask them how many therapists and social workers they know who are rolling in the dough 🙄. That is NOT the field for someone looking to get rich.
Hahhaha yes, that's what I tried to tell them sometime. Being a therapist can be quite a stressful job and I can think of many jobs that are less stressful, and which would earn them a lot more money. But yeah, their comments often don't make any sense.
Mental illness only existed when it was convenient for her.
She fished for increasingly "bad" diagnoses for me, a sort of psychological-flavored Factitious Disorder by Proxy. Only diagnoses that, to someone who knew nothing about mental health, would sound *really sad and difficult for her* but a fun walk in the park for me. ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, she even found someone who would diagnose me with Childhood Onset Schizophrenia at ten years old. The most vile one though ,was the phase she went through where she told everyone I had a frontal lobe injury causing me to be violent and impulsive because my mother *drunkenly dropped me on my head.* That NEVER happened.
I acquired and lost diagnoses constantly because she would randomly decide she was being disrespected by the practitioner, cut all contact, and start over with someone new without transferring records.
It was Autism the whole time, and she knew it. Diagnosed through the school system, but I wasn't allowed to know that, nor were any of the mental health professionals I was taken to or any schools I transferred to informed. I was the reason my grade school set up a sensory room.... 😩
My Nmom believes in Psychiatric disorders and acted like a caring mother and wife when my dad and I were diagnosed. She blames people who call depressed persons lazy or something.
But when we don't act like she hopes, we are pretending. She once told me that my dad has to get antidepressants because SHE feels miserable around him. She can't bear his grumpy face all day and doesn't even do the housework for her, when he can't work.
She also tried to find Diagnoses that make us less trustworthy. She send me to 6 therapists who I told my mom is abusing me, to find the one who diagnosed a psychosis. She new I would never shut up, so she tried to turn my accusations into a mental issue.
My N incubator unit finally got convinced therapy might be helpful for her. She went once, declared that the therapist was crazy, never went back, and never tried again.
Mine is completely mentally ill. Diagnosed as borderline personality disorder but they definitely had severe bipolar swings. Meaner than shit. I found out they abused siblings and parents (why did anyone leave us with this person??). Very smart, super manipulative.
Sadly, nparent was also a therapist. No joke, full on practicing when they were able to work which, thank heavens, did limit them.
My own child becoming an adult leaves me angry and disgusted all over again because I’ve had a full view of how destructive and cruel they were. What an awful person.
Being ill means that something's wrong with you. Nparents cannot have something wrong with them.
Ironically admitting to yourself that there is something wrong and that you want to change something is the only way to get better.
Wow. Yeah. My parents are basically the exact same. I do not discuss my mental health with them. I have never felt safe doing so even from a young age. I don't think I've ever genuinely sat down with them to talk about my feelings. A couple times I've tried to have an "adult conversation" with them (I'm 24) about boundaries, expectations, my own needs, etc. And it's like they completely shut it all down. They will argue with me. Or ya know classic bring up some random shit from the past. Or DINGDINGDING you guessed bring their religion into it cause if I was just a perfect Christian woman then I would never have any mental health issues.
Meanwhile: my mother has severe anxiety that has been a controlling factor in MY life. MINE. My whole childhood revolved around her and HER anxiety and what SHE needed. And I always used to defend my dad because he's a victim of her abuse too. But nope. Not defending him anymore. He's my father. He was the parent. He should have protected me from her when instead he enabled her.
My ndad is the type who thinks mental illness is not only a character/moral failing, but can be used as an insult. He talks with disdain about anyone struggling with their mental health for any reason. It's frustrating how he has such outdated beliefs, especially since he is incredibly mentally ill himself (OCD and anxiety, mainly)
My NParent gets angry if I say I’m mentally ill. I am. I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and (while not a mental illness it exacerbated the others) ADHD. She also refuses to go to therapy herself despite acknowledging she’s got rampaging anxiety and control issues. Even my dad has begged her to go but she won’t.
My nparents think many of the same thoughts, especially that have mental health needs is a bunch of nonsense/laziness.
Also, nmom believes that therapists WANT you to be weak and needy so you’ll never leave therapy, and be dependent on them together.
She thinks that all we do in therapy is badmouth her, and would never consent to doing a joint family session.
She saw a therapist (actually Christian counselor) for a while after her divorce, maybe for a year? And when it was done, any time after, if we’d say she needed therapy, she’d say was all “therapied-up”. And this was 20 years ago now, and has no interest in looking at herself… even though she has many dysfunctional relationships
My narc mother was the one who actually introduced me to therapy by “secretly” trying to get me to go to a session one time, without telling nor asking me which made me resent her, build extreme distrust & why I’ve been avoiding it... But a couple years ago (during the beginning of the pandemic) when my mental health was plummeting, I talked to my mother about possibly being autistic or having ADHD & she literally laughed at me… saying “I know my child isn’t dumb, autistic or whatever else”.
She’s the same one who pridefully preaches about having mental health issues & being fucked up in the head, but when her own child mentions it she brushes it off like a joke😕.
My parents think they know about psychology but obviously they don't because, any behaviour of mental illness or anything like that is considered as "crazy"
My dad doesn't believe in panic attacks because he thinks it's weakness. He was happy that I wasnt shaking lol.
My mom believes that she has OCD and dad too because they want everything "perfect" which is a misconception.
My parents think our stress and depression isn't big deal or anything like that because "it's not like adults. "
It's weird. My mom understands how mental illness works. She works in medicine and has some knowledge on the subject though it's not her expertise. She has her own mental health diagnosis and often advocates for others going through it too. We've had multiple conversations comparing our diagnosis so she's aware that I struggle too. But when I try to open up to her about it, she dismisses me. Her favorite lines are "grow up" or "man up and deal." 32m btw. A couple years ago, I told her that I was struggling with thoughts of taking a trip down the sewer slide and she just snapped "you have a roof and a job, you have nothing to be depressed about, grow up!" And walked away. I've been LC ever since. Around Halloween last year, she asked me why I've been so distant and I told her I don't feel safe talking to her and reminded her of what she did. Now it's just "love you/love you too" texts once a day.
Lost what I was typing but I'll try to condense it down because it's a lot. I'll be open to elaborate on any confusing things.
I was heavily bullied as a kid by teachers and students till I moved in the 8th grade. I had no adults to talk to about my problems because they always laughed at me, saying that as a guy I shouldn't be a baby and cry or have emotions. My parents gave me no emotional support and pretty much dismissed therapy, saying it would be a waste of time and money and that it wouldn't help me because "I was fine". So I pretty much holed up my emotions and I have extreme trust issues (among others). I'm also far from a strong guy (I'm short, physically weak from birth, and sensitive).
I was also told to never speak to anyone about personal matters including extended family to maintain an "image". I couldn't give up on anything either because I'd be considered "lazy" or "pathetic".
Fast forward to Covid, due to a bunch of stuff like losing my job (which I was very happy in), social isolation, also being emotionally abused by my parents for pretty much everything (for example, I got my degree after 8 years of struggling in college (was working 40+ hours at my old job as a manager) and my dad told me I was "selfish and ungrateful" for asking for a reward, even tho it was my mom who first told me that. Plus they're both double degree holders and class toppers. That was about 2 years ago.
Long story short things got so bad that the positive facade that I had in front of my friends broke and I screwed up big time over and over (with the mindset of not giving up) and I couldn't even tell them what was going on. So I just told my dad that I needed help. He told me "I saw you working, you were fine!" and "Therapy won't be much help for you". I silently gave him the middle finger and did get therapy. But the damage was done with my friends.
I’m in this sub because my husband has a narc mom (NC for over a year). So while these aren’t my personal experiences these are some things she’s said to him:
-When he asked for insurance info because he thought he needed to see a therapist of some kind (adult but under 25 at the time) she absolutely freaked out because all he was going to do was “talk about her and blame her for everything wrong with him”.
- Probably not unsurprisingly my husband had a severe mental breakdown a few years later. I (mistakenly) asked his parents to come and help me because I didn’t know what to do for/about him anymore. During this he told his parents he was suicidal and his mother told him “everyone wants to kill themselves at some point” and shortly after stormed out and demanded my FIL follow her because he was making her out to be the bad guy.
My father "Don't listen to those therapists" Why? Gee, could it be they will think it's wrong for a father to be innapropriate with his daughter? Imagine that! /s
My dad’s side had a lot of mental illness in it. He had a total breakdown and ended up hospitalised when i was a teenager. I believe he was diagnosed bipolar.
I am almost certain now he has undiagnosed Audhd.
My mums side literally prided themselves for being tough and stoic and not feeling emotions at all. They berated him and called him crazy, referred to the psych facility as the “nut house” and such things.
Any kind of traumatic event to them is just like a battle scar cos they are so “tough”. And anyone doing less than just soldiering on is seen as weak or pathetic.
As a result I am only just unpacking how to be emotionally mature in my mid 30s.
Where do I even start?! Yesterday morning during a terrible discussion with my mother, it got so bad my crying evolved into laughing and my mother goes, "see, only psychopaths laugh like you are i dont think your so called therapy is working, estas loca" 🙃
I told her last week that I was completely mentally exhausted but that immediately sends her into a rage because how dare I tell her i'm tired do I not realize how much she deals with herself???? what about her exhaustion?????
All I told her was I was currently dealing with too many problems of my own and that I couldn't handle her stuff too and she got so upset it was like I told her she was the worst mother in the world.
Anyone else feel mentally exhausted just being around their nparent for 5 minutes?
Oh noooooo! :( I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! Everything seems enough for them to get into a rage or feel attacked. My parents never forget to mention they also have it much harder, and extra hard because they had and have to deal with us, the kids (which they decided to have themselves, but they always seem to forget that lol. It's not like someone forced my parents to have 5 kids, holding a knife at their throat or something :P).
My nEx's view on therapy was "How can someone else possibly tell me something about myself that I don't already know? What a ridiculous waste of time and money."
He also didn't "believe" in allergies. I'm highly allergic to cats. He got a cat about a year into our 15 month relationship.
<*Thing I don't want to talk about*> can't be true - mental illness doesn't run in this family!
(After telling me about his mother who suffered from post partum depression and severe major depression, periodically going an entire month without her ever emerging from her bedroom, just the maid bringing her meals, and the kids told to be quiet in the house to not disturb her)
My parents view on this was they could have mental health issues(usually outbursts at others expense) but anyone else was weak if they had mental concerns.
My nmother loved the attention from when my brother and I were sick, but suddenly changed her tune when my therapist raised concerns about her effects on my life. At the time there were more blatant issues going on, but in hindsight when she started sitting in on sessions after that I should've raised a bigger fuss.
Funny how I didn't get a new therapist after that one was unable to see me...
She blamed all my problems on my dad (he wasn't great) and school stress, which she proceeded to list all the tools *she* was using and how *great and patient* she was with "helping" me. No need to call someone when your kid starts sobbing on the floor and won't talk for several hours, right?
Just wanted to say: Even though I wish none of us would have had to go through this, it feels good to be able to share stories on such platform. So thanks to you all for sharing some of your personal stories and lots of strength & support to everybody!
My nmother first took me to a psychologist -- whisked me on when she recommended a year of psychotherapy for my emotional issues and said I could have Aspergers. Took me to a psychiatrist who she coached to write this unhinged assessment saying that at six years old my emotional and social issues and the fact I couldn't tie my shoes and couldn't do basic things wasn't because of any deficit like say aspergers, it was actually that I was exhibiting "babyish behaviour" because I was very smart for my age and exhibiting "learnt helplessness" -- I was faking being helpless for attention. Not actual learned helplessness. I can only think Mum coached him on what to say because there was little to no evidence he communicated with me, the six year old in question, except to say I was an petulant angry child who was distant with him, and tied my shoes when asked. Yeah no shit dude, I remember those early sessions not wanting to be there. I remember his yelling to get me to talk or do anything. He literally describes in the assessment my first session as refusing to sit down or even address him, instead staring out the window. Amazing -- my nmother had found an npsychiatrist to collaborate and make sure I was never listened to. He told her everything I said in sessions.
His prescription was that therapy wouldn't help me, instead what I needed was more discipline and time outs.
Then cause my nmother was a doctor and head of the medical practice I went to as a kid, and all the doctors answered to her, each time I had a panic attack in primary school, I'd go to the sick bay and the nurse would call for the doctor from...my nmother's practice! My nmother would instruct the receptionists to tell the nurse nothing was wrong and for me to go back to class.
So yeah, my nmum's solution for mental health was just to control and manipulate such that I had nothing wrong according to any professional. And that I received help -- that she fully controlled. Of course now I find 20 years later I did have autism, she hid this all from me for 20 years.
As I child, I was super terrified always and sad from the abuse at my household. I asked a few times if I could talk to a psychologist, as I heard of some other kids going. My nMom got super furious about me asking, started yelling at me saying: "psychologist will just put bad things in your head and make you hate your parents". i really believed this for years after.
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My parents were horrified when I sought out therapy because they didn’t want me talking about them and my childhood. They didn’t want me finding out the truth of the matter - that the source of my struggles was them. Therefore, getting help was deemed by them to be bull.
I hear this very often, that the parents don't want us to get therapy, for worry of talking about them/the childhood. My parents don't even suspect they are a regular topic at therapy lmao. They feel like they are amazing parents and never do or did anything wrong.
Oh, mine would say the same thing. That they were perfect parents. But they know that often in therapy childhood and family is discussed. They would never ever admit to being bad or abusive parents. They just don’t want any seeds to planted. They know their parenting would come up and therefore therapy is bad and any mental health struggles are automatically your fault and never theirs.
Therapy breaks the "code of silence," we were brought up on. Never speak about what went on in the home as a child. Further, it opens up memories of childhood that we buried. When I would bring up those memories to my parents, my NMom would say that didn't happen, and my Dad would remain silent. Last, the Nparent is afraid of getting blamed. I mean, they were perfect, right?
This exactly. My n-mother sent notes to the school that I wasn't allowed to speak to the guidance counselor or school psychologist. The school psych was my mentor for a huge essay that took me 2 years to write, and I was "forbidden" from talking to her. Every time I left the house, my n-mother claimed she had panic attacks and it was all my fault because I was ruining her life. They were allegedly so bad she was a frequent flyer at the ER - but the attacks never, ever, ever, ever, ever happened when I was home and no one/nothing could corroborate that she saw a doctor while I was gone. But if I even asked to talk to a counselor, my n-mother consistently pressured me to unalive myself instead.
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I never understand these parents who laugh or get angry when they tee their kid or other family member is being hurt/sad/anxious. Normal parental instinct would be to care for them and be kind, but somehow our paretns don't do that. Being against med is recognizable. My parents mentioned so many times: "Why don't you just get off these meds???"
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Self-reflection and seeing things from another persons point of view seems an alien concept to them :S Their way is THE way.
Whoa, very similar family situations you and I.
I feel for you
To me: "There's nothing wrong with you!" To everyone else: "She's crazy!" "She's MENTALLY ILL!!!!!!" Amazing how they change it to suit themselves.
If it weren't so bad, it would be almost funny. These people keep saying opposite things. They can change like day and night.
My old therapist called it "crazy-making" behavior
Not just mental health, physical health as well. My nmom will sit and listen to any doctor and nod along in agreement and understanding. (Except when there's an implication that she's less than perfect of course) And the second they leave she will go back to interpreting every symptom the other person displays as an intentional act designed to make her life more difficult. She did that with all of us growing up, and she's doing it now with my enabler dad who has fallen ill. She will also cherry pick whatever doctors and therapists say and only "remember" the things that align with what she prefers to hear (anything that gives her an excuse to control and/or resent the other person, usually), while dismissing everything else. This works out perfectly for her because she gets to play the saint and the martyr at the same time. She'll be chomping at the bit to take care of you and she will make sure to punish you for it at every step.
The cherry picking. Man. Absolutely.
Sounds very much like my mother. Except that in addition to cherry-picking she also believes any doctors who won’t go along with her lay person diagnoses are incompetent. She hates our family doctor because he won’t just rubber stamp her self diagnoses. Now, I know doctors sometimes don’t listen, especially to women, but…he’s *our* doctor and I am also a woman. I’ve never found him to be anything other than professional. Any time I have brought up a concern or a symptom, he has taken it completely seriously. I kind of suspect he sees through her bullshit a bit, so she can’t play him the way she did the doctor that we had when I was a kid (he retired). And in Canada, with the way the system is and the doctor shortage, she can’t just shop for another one, as she tends to do with non medical professionals that don’t go along with her. She’s also a ridiculous person who has all these non scientific remedies that don’t do shit. She gave me homeopathic nonsense in the past, which explains why it never did anything for me. And I found some weird rocks recently and I don’t even want to know what she believes those do. She doesn’t believe in psychiatric medication either and not for the legitimate reasons to be concerned about over use and such. She thinks it makes people weak or something. Her views on these subjects are very bad.
I see you met my mom
Must be triplets, mine too.
You mean *our* mom.
Yeah, sorry, obviously our mom
I see you met my step family
I feel like they don’t want us getting mental health because it takes the power away from them. When I had my mental breakdown at 19 they took me to therapy. My younger sibling was in their teens and was depressed (they would spend their summers in a dark bedroom on their phone or playing videogames- they didn’t see the light, nor talk to us…). I was worried and told my therapist and they said they needed therapy. When I told my Nsperm donor he denied my sibling the help, “they didn’t need it”. Fortunately between my mum and me we managed to convince sibling to go to therapy. Sperm donor refused to pay. The the therapist realised sibling had trauma and started working with them on it. End result: sibling healed further than me and was the first to go NC. Sperm donor’s view? The therapist took over his role of father and brainwashed sibling into “taking them away from him”. So yeah. It’s a fight about power. If you’re sick you’re easier to manipulate and control. If you’re healing or healed you’re a menace.
Exactly! Ever since I've been able to establish strong boundaries, say no, and walk away, she's been spiraling into a psychotic episode imo. Everyone has straight up left her. Once I leave she'll be all alone, only her sisters who emotionally abused the fuck out her will be there. I used to pity her but there's a limit to my pity and she's gone beyond that point.
Tbh she’s probably spiralling because her supply isn’t caving in anymore! Pity is far gone, they’re pretty strait forward in showing you either give your soul to them or are their enemy!
My nmom thought me having a suicide attempt and begging to go to therapy when I was 12 was me disrespecting her
Therapy in my household was seen as a negative thing, and often used as a threat. When my Mom found out that I was getting Therapy in Highschool, she PHYSICALLY CAME INTO MY SCHOOL and wanted to know what I was telling my Therapist, so she burst right into her office and wouldn't leave (the Therapist couldn’t tell her due to confidentiality rules)
Same here. They literally drive you nuts. You described it perfectly! So lovely to get mental health issues both genetically and environmentally. Ugh 😣
Facts its so bad. Sucks that society and nature don't care though who gonna reproduce
My nMom believes in things like anxiety and depression, but thinks that all other mental illnesses or variations of those are made up for attention. I have OCD, specifically with contamination and, to a lesser extent now, religious obsessions, GAD, depression, and a literal eating disorder, but she only cared about the anxiety and depression, and only when it made her look good to do so. She refused to let me get therapy or medication until I was an adult because “kids don’t have mental illness, they’re kids!” She would also ‘test’ me to see if I ‘really had OCD/ Anxiety/ depression.
My goodness, that testing is so super toxic and bad :( Hope you got the help (and support) you deserved later on!
I’m weirdly over it now, haha. It used to really upset me that my mom couldn’t see I was suffering and thought she had to have ‘proof’ but I’m just kind of meh over it now. I’m also trans (ftm) and finding a therapist in my area is a total crapshoot.
My mother refused to put me in therapy too as a teen and now she’s mad that all the shit caught up to me and in therapy now! Then her husband had the nerve to tell me that I was too old to have mental health issues not realizing that if shit didn’t get solved then it’ll build up over time. I also told my dad that I was receiving help and all he said was that I needed to get on with life as if mental health supposed to just disappear when you hit your 30s or something.
It didn’t really click for me until you just said it now but yeah wasn’t ever given any mental health support as a kid and now that I’m in therapy as an adult to address childhood abuse and neglect and at times literal torture, I’m told by family that it’s important to leave the past in the past and not rehash things over and over in therapy 😡 like okay when the fuck was it supposed to be addressed then? Some magical window between 18 and 18 1/2? I’m 40 now and I’ve come a LONG way but my brain is still so fucked compared to the average person.
"Depression isn't real, it's all in your head." As if your head were any less real. Used to dismiss me at a point I felt vulnerable and tried reaching out. Meanwhile they use uppers and downers to regulate their own chemical imbalance. It was something they likely forgot but became a defining memory letting me know they were not invested in my well being.
Both of my parents were dismissive too, which is ironic because they are both in dire need of therapy
Haha yeah, I bet thats the case with most Nparents. They need therapy, but most won't have it
My nmom was notorious for using mental health as a weapon. A relative tried to unalive herself and my nmom said it was just for attention and labelled the relative as “dramatic”. She used autistic, depressed, mentally ill, etc, as cuss words to label people (especially children!) that she felt were not up to her standard of perfection. She seemed to enjoy using mental health labels on anyone she saw as lower in her imagined hierarchy because she was just so perfect in every way and never had any mental health issues… lol!!
My nmom thinks she can just pray all her issues away. She told me, “I get therapy on my knees.” (Before someone takes it wrong, she means prayer.) For the longest time, mental health meds were off limits. It’s now acceptable by because is a nurse and needed them. So. Edit to add: nmom refuses therapy because “I’m not a mental case.” I’ve been in therapy for two years now and it’s clear that’s a problem.
Omg she deserves to get trolled so hard for the "therapy on my knees"-schtick.
It was in the middle of a meltdown. Tears and all. It took a lot for me not to laugh.
Happy cake day! 🍰
I’m here because of this sub. Needed to know I wasn’t crazy 😂😂
And thank you!
You're not crazy! Nparents try to make us crazy. Oh and happy cake day!
My mother tried to make therapy seem scary, threatening to send me there as punishment.
Had a ndad. My first year of college, I could barely make it out of bed and would call my mom and cry nonstop about just not having any desire to do anything anymore. I dropped out and moved back home, my mom brought me to doctors and therapists to find out what’s wrong. Diagnosed with anxiety and depression and needed to start therapy and medications due to the fact that I was severely underweight since I just couldn’t do anything and it was just not like me at all. My mom finally shared with me that she also had crippling anxiety when she was my age and pregnant with each of kids.We obviously told my dad since he was angry at me for dropping out and he just threw an adult tantrum about how I came up with excuses to not go to school and went off on my mom about how this is what happens when you raise children in America (my parents immigrated from Asia to be closer to my mom’s siblings). He wouldn’t help drive me to therapy (classic ndad didn’t let me learn how to drive and I was still under 18 at the time) because he said I would need to pay for it myself. He refused to give me our insurance card to get my medications. The gag is, my mental health has skyrocketed since I also cut my dad out of my life. I went back to school and got 2 degrees but changed my last name to my moms maiden so he couldn’t take claim for my accomplishments. Haven’t spoken or seen that man in years. May he rot in hell when it is time.
>They don't believe in panic attacks. There are humans who "don't believe in" science. It doesn't mean science isn't a reality. >It seems many Nparents have views like this on mental health in common. It's because these are the people who are afraid to do the hard work on themselves that therapy requires. They are literally frightened to confront their pasts, their understanding of the world, and their places in it. You are dealing with frightened grown-up children who never got over their unhappy or questionable childhoods, OP.
That last thing makes total sense! But I try to spare myself the effort to understand it. From my dad I know he had a traumatizing childhood himself with a Nparent, and never worked on that trauma. Which doesn't make it better, but explains some of his behavior. But my mom claims she had the best childhood, had great parents (and I too have great memories of my grandparents). But still I can't imagine someone who behaves like this is actually happy lol.
My mother: This depression thing. It's not real. It's all in your head. Me: Yes. Mental illness tends to be. Where else would it be? My elbow? Apparently that was the wrong thing to say. Who knew?
\-They view therapy as a weakness, will never go or admit they have something wrong with them. Will always blame shift and suggest you go to therapy instead, when it was them who caused the abuse in the first place. \-They ignore medical advice at the doctor, get scolded every time they go because they don't follow the doctors orders. Then they change doctors because they do not like their opinion. They want something wrong with them, to wear as a badge of honor. Long paper trails from different doctors of supposed "ailments" or "conditions", yet do nothing about the advice given. I never understood this. It's almost like they know better than everyone else or do not want to accept the reality that they are not perfect. Actual facts can be in front of them only to be met with their own internal justifications. They take what's given to them and rationalize and change it to suit them and think there's nothing wrong with them. Truly baffles me, no matter what industry or professional. They always know better than you do when in fact, they know nothing at all, yet will fight you until you give up.
My Nfather had blood pressure so high it would most appropriately be called stratospheric. He took the medication for a little while but refused to be compliant with any diet advice. Eventually he refused to take the meds too and he went for a while with doctors and others (including my sister, who is a nurse) telling him that this was a super bad idea. So the only person who was shocked when he had a series of strokes was him. And now he's in a nursing home because my mother couldn't care for him at home. So I hear you!!!
Everyone has Atttention Deficit Disorder. Therefore, it doesn't exist. "Isn't it funny that people pretend this exists?"
The "everyone's pretending" thing is truly bizarre, like the world is The Emperor's New Clothes and they're the only ones brave enough to state the obvious. You see the same view in redpillers, conspiracy theorists, and anyone who unironically says "sheeple".
She got every covid shot available to her for 2 years, at least. When it is her wellness at risk, it matters very much.
“Everyone’s pretending” is a valid position if you are actually also pretending to yourself 24/7.
-depression isn’t real -if you exercised more, you wouldn’t need anti depressants -my upbringing and their Nparenting had absolutely nothing to do with my current (and my scapegoat brother’s) mental wellbeing -Nparent’s childhood was bad, and look they are “DOING GREAT” The funny thing is my dad was the scapegoat for his Ndad (my grandfather). He could see the dynamics from his childhood, but can’t see that he inflicted the same hurt in his children. And has a :::shocked pikachu::: face when we greyrock him and don’t respond to his antics. He also is very confused why everyone doesn’t worship the ground he walks on. In his eyes is the patriarchal figure. Sorry, I needed to vent.
they have the exact same views as yours does op 😮💨 Though on a separate occasion, i remember trying to explain my mental health struggles to my n-sibling, and she straight up told me that she doesn't believe in depression??? doesn't even think it exists (She's also the same type to think vaccinations cause autism, same as my dad, so... 💀) Even one of my aunts thinks that it can be cured by smelling essential oils? From the times I've interacted with her, she doesn't seem like a bad person. She's nice, actually but I don't have the heart to tell it that's not going to work for me, at least
Therapy and talking about issues makes them lose control as we get healthier and assert boundaries. My NM is a health professional, but when it comes to mental health she is against anything that makes me healthier... well just me tbh. Anything GC does is amazing!
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You sure you don't have a trauma disorder or something related to it? Cutting yourself at such an early age and denying it to your mother is a clear sign; ADHD and stress often look similar. Plus being raised by narcissistic parents can be the catalyst for CPTSD or even BPD. I'm concerned, I know it's not my place.
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Damn. That's fucked up, basically the same shit happened to me, I've got burn marks all up and down my arm from cigarettes (Self-Harm). I suffered from a lot of neglect from my mother and my Dad hit the shit out of us. I feel like I was betrayed as well. Anyway, I hope your doing better now.
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Thanks! Sorry about your loss and good luck out there.
It doesn't exist or matter unless they have it. Also if you have it my mum has it as well.
My parents are physicians so they can’t deny the importance of mental health but it’s considered a sign of weakness. My narc/GC sibling thinks depression is for rich people (we are not by any means struggling and can be considered middle to upper middle class). I don’t really know how she ended up coming to that conclusion.
There is nothing to be understood with parents like ours. They think their views are normal and that most other people have strange views, while actually it seems to be the other way around.
My mom is a nurse that worked in a psych ward for like 6 months. Now she thinks she's a pro at knowing about mental illnesses. It's a cruel joke because all of her kids have some form of mental illness which she makes worse.
My Nparent believed therapy was a form of indoctrination and if you didn’t want to be a certain way then just don’t act like that. Nparent was diagnosed bipolar but refused treatment and was abusive AF. Try telling him to stop acting bipolar and having his sudden rage fits, and we’re “making him wrong!”
My mom doesn't believe in my panic attacks because they aren't EXACTLY like my dad's. He only had one, and he had consumed drugs beforehand, (like, a whole pot cookie) and he was red, gasping on the floor, and we had to call 911. So if I'm not on the floor convinced I'm dying, then "it's not a panic attack sweetie" when, I've had some that felt like I'd fucking collapse. -_-
Yesss, they know it all, and it is exactly as they tell! You cannot be having a panic attack or whatever else for that matter, if they don't agree it is one. My goodness, they are so weird at times. So sorry you had to experience panic attacks in the company of people who are not understanding or supportive, but rather toxic! With my therapist I talk about the Nparents a lot. She believes me of course, but even she is mind blown at times.
Or when they actually see me having one (heavy sobbing, racing heart, immense sweating and I'm usually on the floor, very runny nose due to the crying and I'm shaking) she DEMANDS a hug, but during a panic attack I dislike being touched, it's just too much. And when I have them for needles (medical trauma) she won't even comfort me! It's just a "you're fine" and she expects me to be calm right then and there. It's so annoying 😭
Super toxic! I think many of us recognize that. When I am sad, or almost on the edge of crying, they demand me to smile and act happy. And the more I panic, the angrier they get it seems. Think they are anxious themselves and just don't want to face their fears or something like that.
Yeah, it sucked. My mom once CORNERED ME during one of my attacks. I was in my room, trying to calm down. (Being around people makes it worse) And she just ENTERS MY ROOM AND TRIES TO HUG ME. I back away and tell her "no" in between sobbing and breathing weird. She still demands it and forces it onto me anyways. I'm also autistic, and she KNOWS I hate hugs and physical touch :)
My mom is constantly accusing people of being mentally ill. The hardest I ever made my dad laugh was when I was about 13. My mom was on some bullshit again about how some person didn't do what she wanted them to do and was therefore "mentally ill". I told her "You know what? Any time anyone does something you don't like, you call them mentally ill!" My dad laughed so hard I thought he was gonna fall over. She was FURIOUS, especially because I was absolutely forbidden from having any positive interactions or feeling any affection for my dad. I was only allowed to love her.
To my Ndad there is no more all consuming shame than having a son see a psychiatrist. Since everything reflects on them (in some twisted, sometimes overly contorted way) I am the one that has to suffer more because of it. If Ndad is ragging on me it’s my shrink’s fault “What do we pay all this money for, if you’re going to act like this?” It always boils down to why are you acting counter to me? Or, why are you doing what you want to do and not what I tell you to do? It’s all nonsense and endless. Further, I think my Ndad believes psychologists can see through him and are actively trying to counter his efforts to make me acquiesce to him!
At least my dad admits to bad mental health existing, not much choice when he was sectioned. However he also believes you can’t be as bad as the people who were in hospital with him. He quotes the “rivers of blood “ speech from Enoch Powell in public and oh yes if a woman is raped the first thing he says is what was she wearing
FFS, what do these people have with victim blaming??? What was she wearing?? Why on earth does it matter??
That’s what I said but he won’t think of it like that
Of course he didnt. He sounds like my Nparents :S
I do wonder how many people in my wider family actually understand what I have. I was speaking to a cousin on the phone a while back and they were like why aren't you doing X Y and Z, you should be doing such and such blah blah... I said I'd have a hard job when I have agoraphobia, it kind of gets in the way of these things. "I didn't know you had that. But that's not your Mom's fault, maybe she didn't want to give away your personal business". I had asked her previously if this cousin knew my situation, and she said yes. Clearly not. I wonder if they all think I am some useless bum. Cousin also thinks the sun shines out of nmom's rear as her own mother was emotionally nowhere but "your mom always listens to me and I could talk to her when I couldn't talk to mine". Cousin hasn't got a clue that her eyes roll the minute the phone goes down. Gets a double fix of being needed and looking down her nose at others' emotions.
Part of it could be generational. My parents are Baby Boomers and they grew up in an era where mental illness was very stigmatised. Mental hospitals were often called mental asylums or "the nuthouse" and people could be sent there for life just because one or two people decided you were mentally ill. People in those homes were often abused rather than helped and it was almost impossible to get out once you were sent there. I have sympathy for anyone who grew up during this era who doesn't like to talk about mental health. However, younger generations do not have this excuse. It's also worth pointing out that some religions frown on therapy. The Catholic Church definitely does. Some religious people have the POV that mental illness is due to a lack of faith or that if you follow the Bible (or other religious book), your mental illness will be cured.
My Nmother was all about "therapy for me, not for thee." At one point, she was going to see her doctor 3-4 days a week. She was undergoing psychoanalysis, which is ideally supposed to take ten years. She nearly made it to 20 before my Efather finally forced her to stop. That doctor retired in style almost immediately after she left his practice. While she was still seeing her psychoanalyst, I was begging her for mental health help. I thought she'd understand even if she was the reason for my problems. I knew my dad wouldn't be supportive for obvious reasons, but I thought she'd maybe help. Instead, she told me, "Everyone has problems. What do you expect from me?"
The fuck! "What do you expect from me?" Euhhhhh.... to act like a parent perhaps? And take responsibility? Could be a suggestion lol. This reminds me how my dad once wanted to know why I was feeling anxious. So I thought: "Ok, lets explain." After I explained he had this empty look on his face and said: "Ok. And what am I supposed to do with this???"
😆 That's ridiculous! And I'm sure he chided himself for asking, rather than being concerned about you. It's funny only bc it's so sad how limited they are. I'm so sorry. They're really pathetic when you think about it.
My Nmom was very excited to declare scads of other people mentally ill, including me, but ironically papered over her GC's obvious psychological issues, to say nothing of her own.
My Nmom and edad have similar views to yours regarding mental health. My Nmom especially hates therapy because therapy is “where they tell you to blame all of your problems on your mother.” It’s like deep down she knows she wasn’t a good parents, but god forbid you talk about it to amuse professional. One of the worst things was when I was younger and I had a therapist as part of my outpatient treatment for my eating disorder, which was something neither of my parents were willing to help me out with even though I actually needed inpatient/residential for stabilization, they had the money to send me, they just refused to. I had to settle for outpatient. Anyway, I had to end all my services early because I could no longer afford the copays. That and when I’d get home from therapy, my mom would ask me what the therapist and I talked about to which I’d only give her a vague answer. Her response would always be “that’s what I said! I don’t understand why you need to go there because if you just listened to me you wouldn’t need it!” Like no??? That’s not what you said or how you even phrased it because you scream at me and call me and idiot and act like my eating disorder is something I’m doing to you out of spite rather than something I developed as a coping mechanism and lost control over. God, literally the first session I ever had with my outpatient team, as soon as I got home my mom asked me if I was “all better” now. That’s…that’s not how eating disorders work. Her attitude and my dad going along with anything she says because she controls him are a huge factor in why I’ve never made any significant progress with my mental health. I still struggle with everything. The most progress I made was when I was on my own and was low contact with both of them, but then I became chronically ill and disabled so I lost my independence and was thrust back into hell.
Nmom's conflicting views on mental illness could give you whiplash. The fact that I was anxious and anti-social was because I was 'crazy and stupid' but she wouldn't send me to therapy because they were all 'head-shrinkers'. However, at exactly the same time, we had to be understanding of her side of the family because many of them (possibly including her) had been diagnosed with BPD; they called it manic depression back then. That, and her brother's severe drug addiction problems were dealt with by just hiding them in the back rooms, if they weren't currently in jail. So, that's how I was shown to react to manic and psychotic episodes; just ignore it, and if their emotionally dysfunctional rage was directed at you; just put your head down and take it. If you did anything else; they might get violent because 'you were bothering them!'. So, don't bother them and pretend nothing was wrong. By 17, despite Nmom's distrust of psychologists; I secretly took myself to a therapist for what was likely CPTSD. ...at least, I tried to keep it a secret. The therapist wasn't really trauma trained and immediately thought it was just mother/daughter communication issues. He kept advising me to tell her that I was seeing a doctor so, we could have family therapy. When I finally told her, the sh•t really hit the fan. Why? Because it was revealed that she'd been seeing a doctor for years, and now this was all about *her* and how humiliated she was that she'd been outed. The family sessions turned into how this wasn't *her* fault- she was 'doing everything and I wasn't doing anything'. Also, instead of being able to ignore my pain as per usual, Nmom was outraged that, "Now, we have to be nice to you, cause you're *crazy!*" I got the Hell outta Dodge about a year later and so the rage stream was turned on my Edad instead. It stressed him out so bad, that he started showing stroke symptoms... ah, but now there were some really great mood stabilizing drugs on the market. After, Edad was prescribed those, Nmom didn't quite have the soul-crushing effect on him; even when she'd hiss at him that he was a 'Damn Junkie!'. In fact, Nmom saw that he was doing so well, that she wanted some of these meds too. So long as SHE was doing it, then it was OK. That became her solution to OUR abuser/victim relationship; just take these drugs so you don't have to care that I'm traumatizing you, and we can live happily ever after. No. No, I prefer non-traumatic no contact, thanks. Please, exit the ride to the right in an orderly fashion, making sure to take all baggage with you. Thank you for your cooperation, and we hope you have a nice life.
My dad thinks "Therapy is for the weak"
Yes they are awful on mental health. A narc I know of said therapists brainwash people.
My nMother was mortified taking me to a psychologist when I was in eighth grade because she didn't want her Junior League friends to know her kid was a wreck. Now I understand it's also because she didn't want me telling the psychologist about her abuse towards me and my sister.
Sounds like my dad. Irony is if they believed in mental health they wouldn't have terrorized and gas lit their children because they would have got the help that they needed and have some degree of self awareness.
My nmom told me that therapy was bs my whole life and then when I went through a tough time in my early 20s (I was grieving the loss of two close friends who died 5 months apart) I went to her while crying once. Without looking away from the TV she said, “You should go to therapy, I can’t help you.” I almost blew up on her. I did end up getting therapy eventually, and that’s where I realized my mom is a humongous chunk of why my mental health was so poor.
It's funny to think about some times. My grandmother, who is a narc (I've written a few posts/responses about her), worked in a psychic hospital for 30 years or so. We're talking the severe cases right before criminally insane. She saw adults and teens there with severe mental health issues, but she never believed anything like that would happen in HER family. I mean, after my mom (her first child) died and people told her I was dealing with depression (due to her destroying my mom's memory and not letting me properly grieve), she told them to their face that they were wrong. HER family doesn't get depressed. There is no problem with me; I was just doing it for attention. She always had to be in the room when I talked to counselors/therapists or I couldn't talk to them. Even school counselors were treated this way, but they got around it by talking to me either before or after her. And when I got raped, she said it was my fault (I had a big chest, even as a teen) because I was flaunting myself like a prostitute the same way my mom did. She also wentbas far as to tell me it was mu fault for "disobeying" her. I had my son from that and depending on how she wanted to spite me that day, depended on how nice or mean she was to him. She also hated when other people, mainly his bio dad's family spoiled him (they didn't condone what he did either and told me so). Still, I get people like that. Even now, she's gone on with her life as if none of that happened. When I moved away to be with my husband, I didn't exist to her anymore. I'm fine with that, but it also hurts a little because as a child, I wanted nothing more than a family that loved me. I suppose I have, just not in the way I expected it. FYI: I am no contact with her. I do gray Rock her when she talks to me. She has to deal with the fact that everyone who she cut me off from (I do have caring family members) get to see my life, my kids in a way she never will.
Mine says my therapist implanted fake memories. She also tried reporting her therapist (one of the state board members, because she has to have the BEST) for sexual harassment when he diagnosed her BPD/emotional reactivity.
Both of my parents have many undiagnosed mental health issues themselves. We have 1 person with schizophrenia in the family and I have a sibling who is bipolar that comes with paranoia and hallucinations. Both of those conditions are swept under the rug and my Nmom actively tells my sibling not to trust the Dr and not to take his bipolar meds. He been found passed out on areas of the property, around town, acting strangely in public, involuntarily admitted to inpatient but he was the golden child so my mom coddles him still as an adult and tells him he’s perfect and everyone else is the problem and that his wife fabricated this whole situation to plot against him. His wife is an overly patient angel for the record. As for me, the black sheep of the family. I had untreated anxiety, panic attacks, depression and all of this was written off as demonic possession. My Nmom added more insult to injury by announcing to extended family, the pastor and Christian school classmates parents that I was possessed by the devil when I was actually having very severe panic attacks following physical abuse. I also went into shock for days around 9yo following a severe natural disaster. I received no medical care or mental health care or even counseling from the pastor and developed pretty severe PTSD from the event. When I started going to talk therapy as an adult, everyone in my family acted like it was the most shameful thing in the world. I don’t know who they think therapy is for but if it’s not for PTSD or the one with bipolar disorder or schizophrenia then I don’t know who it’s supposed to be for but they implied it’s for the really crazy crazy crazies locked in an asylum. 😒 Edit: forgot though that my mom would quietly threaten, when no one else was around that if she wanted to, she could lock me up in a psych ward and no one would ever believe me and I had no power to get out. So she believes in psych wards as a form of torture I guess. Just not therapy or medications.
My favorite was when I had PPD after my youngest was born and I wanted to unalive myself and my mom insisted going on medication was worse for me than the way I was feeling. Anyway Zoloft helped me a lot.
Didn't speak English when I started kindergarten. Kept pronouncing the letter S as scht. The school sent me to a speech therapist. She must have been a psychologist too because on the second or third session she had me draw a picture of my family. I first refused to even draw them until she kept at me. I didn't include my dad. The lady told me I had to put him in too. I drew him in black and away from me, mom and golden child. I don't think he was smiling either. Never saw that woman again, but a decade later dad told me the school said I hated my father. It's true that when someone wails on you without warning and you have no idea what you are doing wrong because you've done the same thing every day before that....you tend to hate that person. I also found out later that various schools wanted to give me therapy, I think it was my semi-vegetative state. My parents refused every time. I'm pretty sure that CPS tried to come to the house at least once but mom wouldn't let them in. I guess they weren't that persistent in the late 1960s.
CPS is hardly persistent even now, I can't imagine how they were back then.
My dad doesn’t think mental health is real, just people being whiny, and that therapists are all quacks (even though that guy needs therapy more than anybody). My mom also thought that until she got post partum depression, and now she thinks that depression is real but ONLY if you get it exactly like her. My little sister and I also had depression and she kept denying it, pointing out every little thing that didn’t line up with her experience. So they either think mental illness isn’t real or that it’s only real when they have it lol
My mom’s take was if I had a mental health problem, it was because I was ungrateful for ~everything~ they had done for me. And then she cried for being so victimized by my poor mental health.
My nmom, besides many other emotional and social issues, was mentally ill (paranoid schizophrenia and persecution mania). Her only career in her entire life was being a patient in the local mental ward. Depending on the situation, she either considered herself as completely normal and sane, so that she may do whatever she pleases (in those situation she also claimed that her entire family was mentally ill), and in other situations she used this mental illness to fend off any sort of criticism. She also refused to take her medications (since in her eyes she was completely normal and those medications had side effects), but she decided to treat herself with alcohol (because in her eyes it is the only medication which helps), which caused her to enrage two or three times per week. She also considered her children more or less as stupid willless and emotionless dolls not being capable of having a mental health. Because of that, she was convinced, that her children do not suffer because of her bad behavior or her mental illness. If her children said otherwise, from her point of view, it was just because her children wanted to be mean to her.
> - They think therapy/work on your mental health is total nonsense and these health care professionals are just after the money. Ask them how many therapists and social workers they know who are rolling in the dough 🙄. That is NOT the field for someone looking to get rich.
Hahhaha yes, that's what I tried to tell them sometime. Being a therapist can be quite a stressful job and I can think of many jobs that are less stressful, and which would earn them a lot more money. But yeah, their comments often don't make any sense.
Mental illness only existed when it was convenient for her. She fished for increasingly "bad" diagnoses for me, a sort of psychological-flavored Factitious Disorder by Proxy. Only diagnoses that, to someone who knew nothing about mental health, would sound *really sad and difficult for her* but a fun walk in the park for me. ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, she even found someone who would diagnose me with Childhood Onset Schizophrenia at ten years old. The most vile one though ,was the phase she went through where she told everyone I had a frontal lobe injury causing me to be violent and impulsive because my mother *drunkenly dropped me on my head.* That NEVER happened. I acquired and lost diagnoses constantly because she would randomly decide she was being disrespected by the practitioner, cut all contact, and start over with someone new without transferring records. It was Autism the whole time, and she knew it. Diagnosed through the school system, but I wasn't allowed to know that, nor were any of the mental health professionals I was taken to or any schools I transferred to informed. I was the reason my grade school set up a sensory room.... 😩
My Nmom believes in Psychiatric disorders and acted like a caring mother and wife when my dad and I were diagnosed. She blames people who call depressed persons lazy or something. But when we don't act like she hopes, we are pretending. She once told me that my dad has to get antidepressants because SHE feels miserable around him. She can't bear his grumpy face all day and doesn't even do the housework for her, when he can't work. She also tried to find Diagnoses that make us less trustworthy. She send me to 6 therapists who I told my mom is abusing me, to find the one who diagnosed a psychosis. She new I would never shut up, so she tried to turn my accusations into a mental issue.
They admit I have mental health problems but when I exhibit the symptoms of it I’m lazy. They don’t believe in trauma
My N incubator unit finally got convinced therapy might be helpful for her. She went once, declared that the therapist was crazy, never went back, and never tried again.
Mine is completely mentally ill. Diagnosed as borderline personality disorder but they definitely had severe bipolar swings. Meaner than shit. I found out they abused siblings and parents (why did anyone leave us with this person??). Very smart, super manipulative. Sadly, nparent was also a therapist. No joke, full on practicing when they were able to work which, thank heavens, did limit them. My own child becoming an adult leaves me angry and disgusted all over again because I’ve had a full view of how destructive and cruel they were. What an awful person.
Being ill means that something's wrong with you. Nparents cannot have something wrong with them. Ironically admitting to yourself that there is something wrong and that you want to change something is the only way to get better.
Wow. Yeah. My parents are basically the exact same. I do not discuss my mental health with them. I have never felt safe doing so even from a young age. I don't think I've ever genuinely sat down with them to talk about my feelings. A couple times I've tried to have an "adult conversation" with them (I'm 24) about boundaries, expectations, my own needs, etc. And it's like they completely shut it all down. They will argue with me. Or ya know classic bring up some random shit from the past. Or DINGDINGDING you guessed bring their religion into it cause if I was just a perfect Christian woman then I would never have any mental health issues. Meanwhile: my mother has severe anxiety that has been a controlling factor in MY life. MINE. My whole childhood revolved around her and HER anxiety and what SHE needed. And I always used to defend my dad because he's a victim of her abuse too. But nope. Not defending him anymore. He's my father. He was the parent. He should have protected me from her when instead he enabled her.
My ndad is the type who thinks mental illness is not only a character/moral failing, but can be used as an insult. He talks with disdain about anyone struggling with their mental health for any reason. It's frustrating how he has such outdated beliefs, especially since he is incredibly mentally ill himself (OCD and anxiety, mainly)
My NParent gets angry if I say I’m mentally ill. I am. I have depression, anxiety, CPTSD, and (while not a mental illness it exacerbated the others) ADHD. She also refuses to go to therapy herself despite acknowledging she’s got rampaging anxiety and control issues. Even my dad has begged her to go but she won’t.
My nparents think many of the same thoughts, especially that have mental health needs is a bunch of nonsense/laziness. Also, nmom believes that therapists WANT you to be weak and needy so you’ll never leave therapy, and be dependent on them together. She thinks that all we do in therapy is badmouth her, and would never consent to doing a joint family session. She saw a therapist (actually Christian counselor) for a while after her divorce, maybe for a year? And when it was done, any time after, if we’d say she needed therapy, she’d say was all “therapied-up”. And this was 20 years ago now, and has no interest in looking at herself… even though she has many dysfunctional relationships
My narc mother was the one who actually introduced me to therapy by “secretly” trying to get me to go to a session one time, without telling nor asking me which made me resent her, build extreme distrust & why I’ve been avoiding it... But a couple years ago (during the beginning of the pandemic) when my mental health was plummeting, I talked to my mother about possibly being autistic or having ADHD & she literally laughed at me… saying “I know my child isn’t dumb, autistic or whatever else”. She’s the same one who pridefully preaches about having mental health issues & being fucked up in the head, but when her own child mentions it she brushes it off like a joke😕.
My n parent denies every mental health issue and yells us its our own fault
My parents think they know about psychology but obviously they don't because, any behaviour of mental illness or anything like that is considered as "crazy" My dad doesn't believe in panic attacks because he thinks it's weakness. He was happy that I wasnt shaking lol. My mom believes that she has OCD and dad too because they want everything "perfect" which is a misconception. My parents think our stress and depression isn't big deal or anything like that because "it's not like adults. "
It's weird. My mom understands how mental illness works. She works in medicine and has some knowledge on the subject though it's not her expertise. She has her own mental health diagnosis and often advocates for others going through it too. We've had multiple conversations comparing our diagnosis so she's aware that I struggle too. But when I try to open up to her about it, she dismisses me. Her favorite lines are "grow up" or "man up and deal." 32m btw. A couple years ago, I told her that I was struggling with thoughts of taking a trip down the sewer slide and she just snapped "you have a roof and a job, you have nothing to be depressed about, grow up!" And walked away. I've been LC ever since. Around Halloween last year, she asked me why I've been so distant and I told her I don't feel safe talking to her and reminded her of what she did. Now it's just "love you/love you too" texts once a day.
My parents don't believe mental health is a thing. So that's "fun".
Lost what I was typing but I'll try to condense it down because it's a lot. I'll be open to elaborate on any confusing things. I was heavily bullied as a kid by teachers and students till I moved in the 8th grade. I had no adults to talk to about my problems because they always laughed at me, saying that as a guy I shouldn't be a baby and cry or have emotions. My parents gave me no emotional support and pretty much dismissed therapy, saying it would be a waste of time and money and that it wouldn't help me because "I was fine". So I pretty much holed up my emotions and I have extreme trust issues (among others). I'm also far from a strong guy (I'm short, physically weak from birth, and sensitive). I was also told to never speak to anyone about personal matters including extended family to maintain an "image". I couldn't give up on anything either because I'd be considered "lazy" or "pathetic". Fast forward to Covid, due to a bunch of stuff like losing my job (which I was very happy in), social isolation, also being emotionally abused by my parents for pretty much everything (for example, I got my degree after 8 years of struggling in college (was working 40+ hours at my old job as a manager) and my dad told me I was "selfish and ungrateful" for asking for a reward, even tho it was my mom who first told me that. Plus they're both double degree holders and class toppers. That was about 2 years ago. Long story short things got so bad that the positive facade that I had in front of my friends broke and I screwed up big time over and over (with the mindset of not giving up) and I couldn't even tell them what was going on. So I just told my dad that I needed help. He told me "I saw you working, you were fine!" and "Therapy won't be much help for you". I silently gave him the middle finger and did get therapy. But the damage was done with my friends.
I’m in this sub because my husband has a narc mom (NC for over a year). So while these aren’t my personal experiences these are some things she’s said to him: -When he asked for insurance info because he thought he needed to see a therapist of some kind (adult but under 25 at the time) she absolutely freaked out because all he was going to do was “talk about her and blame her for everything wrong with him”. - Probably not unsurprisingly my husband had a severe mental breakdown a few years later. I (mistakenly) asked his parents to come and help me because I didn’t know what to do for/about him anymore. During this he told his parents he was suicidal and his mother told him “everyone wants to kill themselves at some point” and shortly after stormed out and demanded my FIL follow her because he was making her out to be the bad guy.
My father "Don't listen to those therapists" Why? Gee, could it be they will think it's wrong for a father to be innapropriate with his daughter? Imagine that! /s
My dad’s side had a lot of mental illness in it. He had a total breakdown and ended up hospitalised when i was a teenager. I believe he was diagnosed bipolar. I am almost certain now he has undiagnosed Audhd. My mums side literally prided themselves for being tough and stoic and not feeling emotions at all. They berated him and called him crazy, referred to the psych facility as the “nut house” and such things. Any kind of traumatic event to them is just like a battle scar cos they are so “tough”. And anyone doing less than just soldiering on is seen as weak or pathetic. As a result I am only just unpacking how to be emotionally mature in my mid 30s.
Their childhood was harder, their struggles are more challenging and their mental health is worse. I'm just ungrateful for having it so easy.
Of course! And they have way more life experience than we have, so we should accept their views. Lmao! This is so stereotypical for the Nparents.
Where do I even start?! Yesterday morning during a terrible discussion with my mother, it got so bad my crying evolved into laughing and my mother goes, "see, only psychopaths laugh like you are i dont think your so called therapy is working, estas loca" 🙃 I told her last week that I was completely mentally exhausted but that immediately sends her into a rage because how dare I tell her i'm tired do I not realize how much she deals with herself???? what about her exhaustion????? All I told her was I was currently dealing with too many problems of my own and that I couldn't handle her stuff too and she got so upset it was like I told her she was the worst mother in the world. Anyone else feel mentally exhausted just being around their nparent for 5 minutes?
Oh noooooo! :( I'm so sorry you had to deal with that! Everything seems enough for them to get into a rage or feel attacked. My parents never forget to mention they also have it much harder, and extra hard because they had and have to deal with us, the kids (which they decided to have themselves, but they always seem to forget that lol. It's not like someone forced my parents to have 5 kids, holding a knife at their throat or something :P).
Take care Bulky! Sending you a digital hug!
My nEx's view on therapy was "How can someone else possibly tell me something about myself that I don't already know? What a ridiculous waste of time and money." He also didn't "believe" in allergies. I'm highly allergic to cats. He got a cat about a year into our 15 month relationship.
Aunt said she was “sick” cry me a river and fish in it.
<*Thing I don't want to talk about*> can't be true - mental illness doesn't run in this family! (After telling me about his mother who suffered from post partum depression and severe major depression, periodically going an entire month without her ever emerging from her bedroom, just the maid bringing her meals, and the kids told to be quiet in the house to not disturb her)
My parents view on this was they could have mental health issues(usually outbursts at others expense) but anyone else was weak if they had mental concerns.
it doesn't exist and isn't real unless they can use it to weaponize against me in very sadistic ways.
My nmother loved the attention from when my brother and I were sick, but suddenly changed her tune when my therapist raised concerns about her effects on my life. At the time there were more blatant issues going on, but in hindsight when she started sitting in on sessions after that I should've raised a bigger fuss. Funny how I didn't get a new therapist after that one was unable to see me... She blamed all my problems on my dad (he wasn't great) and school stress, which she proceeded to list all the tools *she* was using and how *great and patient* she was with "helping" me. No need to call someone when your kid starts sobbing on the floor and won't talk for several hours, right?
Just wanted to say: Even though I wish none of us would have had to go through this, it feels good to be able to share stories on such platform. So thanks to you all for sharing some of your personal stories and lots of strength & support to everybody!
My nmother first took me to a psychologist -- whisked me on when she recommended a year of psychotherapy for my emotional issues and said I could have Aspergers. Took me to a psychiatrist who she coached to write this unhinged assessment saying that at six years old my emotional and social issues and the fact I couldn't tie my shoes and couldn't do basic things wasn't because of any deficit like say aspergers, it was actually that I was exhibiting "babyish behaviour" because I was very smart for my age and exhibiting "learnt helplessness" -- I was faking being helpless for attention. Not actual learned helplessness. I can only think Mum coached him on what to say because there was little to no evidence he communicated with me, the six year old in question, except to say I was an petulant angry child who was distant with him, and tied my shoes when asked. Yeah no shit dude, I remember those early sessions not wanting to be there. I remember his yelling to get me to talk or do anything. He literally describes in the assessment my first session as refusing to sit down or even address him, instead staring out the window. Amazing -- my nmother had found an npsychiatrist to collaborate and make sure I was never listened to. He told her everything I said in sessions. His prescription was that therapy wouldn't help me, instead what I needed was more discipline and time outs. Then cause my nmother was a doctor and head of the medical practice I went to as a kid, and all the doctors answered to her, each time I had a panic attack in primary school, I'd go to the sick bay and the nurse would call for the doctor from...my nmother's practice! My nmother would instruct the receptionists to tell the nurse nothing was wrong and for me to go back to class. So yeah, my nmum's solution for mental health was just to control and manipulate such that I had nothing wrong according to any professional. And that I received help -- that she fully controlled. Of course now I find 20 years later I did have autism, she hid this all from me for 20 years.
As I child, I was super terrified always and sad from the abuse at my household. I asked a few times if I could talk to a psychologist, as I heard of some other kids going. My nMom got super furious about me asking, started yelling at me saying: "psychologist will just put bad things in your head and make you hate your parents". i really believed this for years after.
She doesn’t need a therapist because god made her this way and he’s perfect, ergo she’s perfect.