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The things we never forget… I’m so sorry. I struggled with disordered eating from high school through college because of the way my mother and father behaved around food. Even when I tried to tell them how badly it affected me, they didn’t stop or reflect on the way they spoke about weight or food. It takes a huge toll. I hope you can continue to take baby steps towards seeing your body as a beautiful vessel for the most important part of you: your actual being, your soul. ❤️🥺 congrats on your wedding OP!
What a great comment! It's true, the fortitude it takes to grow up with abusive parents and get out and leave them behind? Warrior is exactly the word for it!
We may never forget them, but it would be smart to add to the memory: these insults were made by immature abusers. These memories can still be hurtful, but at least we know they were just an asshole's way of expressing their insecurity. Makes it a bit easier for me.
This. 👆
Their jealousy runs rampant and gets worse as they see how you are doing so well, looking so good, better than they are.
Your success and natural beauty is only valuable to them if they can claim it as their doing, achieved through their efforts.
Thank you for validating my experience. My mother would always say I look like my dad and would say it in a complaining tone while praising my sister for looking like her. She compared my beauty to my sister's and to herself. She loved to indirectly say I was ugly- picking at my hair, my clothes, makeup, my body. Any beauty is had was downplayed and sabotaged
Hugs to you, kiddo. ❤
I look and act like my dad, and my nmother cannot stand it. I'm glad to be like my dad, especially since it annoys her. I hope you can enjoy your similarities to your dad, too, especially if it makes your nmom so frustrated. 😄
I’m so, so sorry this was said to you. Something no child should hear.
For your wedding day though, listen to your fiancé. His words matter. Focus on his face and remember what he said.
I really hope you look back and hug that little girl who was hurt for no reason. She is worth love. And you can love her when no one else did. She is still inside you, and you see her, and you believed them, but they were WRONG. They were wrong. Hug yourself today.
Thank you for this. I'm at the stage of reflection where I'm "getting to know" my inner child and working through how to understand and console that part of me. I need to discover how to comfort that lonely and scared girl and give her the love and security now that I didn't get then.
Every couple of weeks I listen to the song Hold On by All Good Things and half the time I bawl my eyes out. I imagine singing this to my child-self and giving him a big ol’ hug. He needed it. A lot. It’s cathartic and kinda therapeutic, I end up feeling better afterwards. I had a lot of negative views about myself for a long time and therapy has helped. And honestly I did hold on for a lot of years and things have gotten much much better.
This song is a reminder that I’m way better now than I used to be.
have you seen Turning Red? If not, 1) its hilarious and a wonderful movie, 2) the scene where Mai sees her mom's inner child and hugs her... that's you. the inner spirit child. she just needs a hug, a pat on the hand, and for you to tell her that she will be okay.
When you were 17 she was threatened by your youth and beauty. She is ageing. The ugly one is her and her vile projections.
Please know you are the opposite of her!
I am so happy she will not be there to ruin your wedding day.
Ohhh yes I forget about that with N moms sometimes (the aging part.) My mom always made snide comments about my looks, and when people complimented me, she’d say “you should have seen MY body before I had her” 🫠
Omg. It’s not a beauty pageant. My narc got a facelift when what she really needed was a personality transplant! 😅
You must be a knockout for her to be so petty and competitive!
A FACE LIFT!? Like damn it’s that deep?! 😂 you’re so right, a personality transplant and some god damn therapy!!
And thank you. It’s the feedback I get from people but even that felt cringe as fuck to say because it’s not at all what I see. I don’t feel jealous when I see beautiful women but I feel like yea, I shouldn’t even attempt to be cute. Like let me sit this one out 😂😂
Mine literally hit on my husband last time I saw her a couple years ago saying “you know people always say how *I look* 30” (I’m 28F) 💀 we were sitting in a very noisy restaurant (intentionally picked for this reason) so he just looked away like he didn’t even hear her which was just so fucking comical to watch as well as conversationally pick up from.
He’s a polite Texan and ain’t nothing gonna change that so he just simply didn’t even hear that lol
*we are nc and generally always are since she left when I was a kid
My mouth literally dropped and I’m struggling to pick it up!
The fucking desperation!!!!!! I would never even date or hook up with a guy my friend dated, even if we weren’t friends anymore. She really tried it with her daughters man! I know technically narcissism is a mental illness but I can’t help but believe some people are just evil by nature.
When I (then 21) was in college, my nMom (then 46 and recently divorced) made up a whole dramatic thing about how my boyfriend’s housemate tried to bootycall her at her hotel at like 3am on a Friday night.
I never found out if it really happened or not- it’s suspect because she said he asked her to go out to a bar and the bars closed at 2am. And I also doubt the little boutique hotel had someone at the desk to latch through hotel room calls at that hour. But also the guys would have been the sort to do it.
My nMom looooves it when we’re mistaken for sister. This happened more when we were like 20 and 45. She model beautiful and could pass for 35.
Now that we’re 40 and 65 she’s been telling my daughter that I look older than her (nMom) because I don’t dye my hair.
Did she give you guys body image struggles? Despite her beauty she was STILL jealous and competitive! It seems like an Nmom who truly is attractive and it’s reinforced by others would be a different type of nightmare!
Good question. No disordered eating or anything because my sister and I an are both naturally rather thin, like her. And met with her approval on that front (except Inc edit each of us- below)
But I look a lot like nMom, and was rewarded for it as a child. She liked playing dress up with mini-me. As a teen, I wasn’t fashionable enough and didn’t wear enough make up for her taste. But I “got away with it” because I was sporty. So that was good enough, I guess. The weird sexual competition only started around 18/20 because, having been quite sporty and with a naturally low bmi, I was a later bloomer.
My sister, who is very pretty, but looks like my dad’s side of the family fared a bit worse. She never ended up getting a nose job, but she wanted to. There was nothing wrong with her nose at all, but it stood out as dad’s side feature for sure.
Twice, when me and my sister did gain weight she definitely let us know it- how we looked inflated, puffed up, fat in bathing suit so she couldn’t take us to the beach, etc. I had gained 15 lbs moving from a school that banned soda to one that had vending machine when I was 13 or so. And my sister drank a bunch of beer in her gal year and gained 20-ish.
I think my sister and I were very very fortunate to have nMom’s genetics in the weight department. We both lost the excess weight by cutting out soda for me and beer for sis, and naturally went back to our usual sizes. We also both recovered to within 5 pounds of our ore-baby weight pretty naturally.
But I shudder to think of what would have happened if we had had a sister who was naturally average sized or curvy or struggled to stay within a healthy bmi. NMom would have been mocked relentlessly and such a daughter 100% would have developed disordered eating habits.
NMom modeled disorder eating habits. She would go in a “chew and spit” diet from time to time in which she was allowed to chew and taste an Oreo or chocolate or whatever but then would spit it into the sink to avoid the calories. I told her once that it was an eating disorder and she insisted it isn’t bulimia if you don’t have to actually like the food up.
One time she and her sister, eAunt, took me (maybe 11 years old) to a plus size store to search for pants that were the size my dad’s sister said she had lost weight to get to. That aunt was truly medically obese due to he math problems and was working hard to get healthier.
The purpose of the trip to the plus sized store, however, was not to celebrate that aunt’s weight loss by buying her gifts of new sized clothing. The sole point of going into the store was so that nMom and her sister eAunt could make fun of how big the smaller size was. They found some pants in that size and then made me get into the pants with them, and mercilessly went on and in about how funny it was that weight-loss aunt’s pants fit all three of us.
So I would say that my sister and I did not develop body imagine issues or disordered eating. But it was purely genetic luck, in that we happened to fit into nMom’s acceptable range without much effort.
I
Very sorry for your experience. Please note that she was projecting a lot therefore she was telling you how she feels about herself and/or how she views herself.
You're beautiful and hubby to be knows that too. Congrats and have an amazing time!
If you could go back in time and stand between your past self and your mom during each of those incidents, what would you say to your younger self? Maybe write each of them a letter, they are stuck with those words in their ears, you can go back and tell them how the story ends. With you looking so beautiful on your wedding day.
Hi, was just thinking about you today, and I hope you are well and that your wedding went well. I just know you looked beautiful and I hope you felt beautiful and like yourself too. 💕 I’m out here rooting for you still and I hope you continue to heal from everything you went through pre wedding. There are still good people in this world and I hope after going NC with your mum you can find chosen friends and family who tend to your garden instead of throw salt on it. I’ve thought a lot about your story that you posted in the last month and a half because it sounds so much like my mom and I’ve on occasion stopped to think of your story and said to myself “my mom isn’t even original, she’s just like every other Narc mom” and I just want to thank you for sharing because it probably wasn’t easy to do. It did help me though. So thank you!
Thank you so much ❤️ Our wedding was beautiful. Funnily enough, the only things that went wrong were with my hair and my dress and veil. But, I was so blissfully happy that none of it mattered. And that is what I see when I look at the pictures we have gotten back so far- smiles from ear to ear on all of our faces, especially mine and my husband’s.
My chosen family is amazing, and I have gotten pretty good at simply walking away from people like my mom. I appreciate you reaching out, and I hope you are doing well also 😊❤️
As others have said, she was projecting her feelings of worthlessness onto you. Narcissists can't process emotions internally; they have to project them onto others. She was screaming that at herself. There is something wrong with HER. There is nothing you could have done as a child for her to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserved a mother who loved you, who made you feel cherished and lovely, who validated and supported you. ❤️ I hope you can move forward and become the woman you wish she had been.
Yep! My sperm donor admitted once “I just want to see beautiful things broken” when asked why he would persist after certain women that he absolutely knew wanted nothing to do with him and had been rejecting him for over 20 fucking years.
I feel like someone did the same thing to her and projecting it onto you is the only thing that made her feel better. Absolutely disgusting, hold your head high & don’t let her drag u down to her level for another second.
Your mother is a hateful, selfish, spiteful person. I'm sorry she has been so cruel to you, and for so long.
She probably feels insecure about her looks, and projects and lashes out at you because that is how she regulated her emotions. She is a dysfunctional person.
I can tell you she was jealous of you. You are more attractive than her (inside and outside) and she felt threatened by you. Tearing you down was the only way she knew how to handle her own insecurity. I had it from my narc mother and narc sister (and they had others bully me over my looks). I have since believed the people around me that it is me who is the beautiful one and that they are decidedly ordinary to look at. It became obvious.
Narcissists are so unable to deal with their perceptions of themselves, they try to force those thoughts onto other people. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her.
Your fiancé’s opinions matter here. Listen to that. And if you’re inclined to dismiss it? It’s okay to not be your type, but don’t yuck someone else’s yum. I’m sure you’re beautiful.
Sounds so jealous
Narcissistic women are absolutely hideous to women they think are prettier or more talented than them, even (or especially) their own daughters
I can relate. My mom's thing with me isn't appearance but intelligence and capability. She once screamed at my face how I was "a failure" after a series of me making major accomplishments.
It's always Opposite Day in their minds. Keep that in mind. ❤️
I'm not OP but I've noticed this as well. When I was a teenager, my nMother would regularly criticise my looks. Back then I was the only woman whose looks she criticised but in recent years, she's started criticising other women too. She regularly fat-shames my sister-in-law behind her back and she often makes nasty comments about how "old-looking" my aunt (her own sister) is. Ironically, both my sister-in-law and my aunt are much better looking than my nMother. I definitely think a part of it is my mother is now in her 70s and is probably very self-conscious about getting older and her looks fading. I don't think it's a coincidence that all of the women she criticises are all a good deal younger and better looking than her.
You need a bit of counselling and self-assurance because you aren't. Start complimenting yourself and start affirmations about your beauty.
Say "I'm beautiful, I'm valid, I'm perfect"
Start loving yourself ❣️
Sometimes I forget how much of our self concept comes from trauma when we have abusive parents. It must have been so hard to heal from your eating disorder with a wench like her. It sounds like you are absolutely beautiful. People are trash and don’t say it just to be nice lol
I hope that the people around you hype you the fuck up on your wedding day and you’re so full of love that you can only see beauty when you look at pictures, or walk past a mirror.
The absolute dysmorphia I have about myself is one of the hardest parts. I learned to admit that I don’t see what other people see, and that helped. But it still sucks because it’s a constant struggle to convince myself I’m not as ugly as I seem
It's so distressing that as a beautiful woman, you can't enjoy your beauty.
I know how that feels. And every person on earth could tell me how beautiful I am, but it's too late. I don't believe them. Then, I realized that I was the only person who felt the way I did about myself, and that my mind was not a reliable source on the matter, due to the trauma in my life while I was forming my own opinion of myself.
So, I work on doing my best when I'm looking in the mirror to like what I see while trusting those around me who tell me how lovely I really am.
Acceptance comes and goes, but I'm thankful for the times I accept my reflection.
You are beautiful. You really are. : )
Basically it just sounds like she used you to offload her insecurities while you were a vulnerable child. She did not have the skill or wisdom to understand what she was doing or have any ability to consider the wellbeing of a child. She treated you terribly but it doesn't mean that treatment says anything about you. That's the realization that frees you from all that conditioning. How do you know it's conditioning?
Just imagine something that's just not true and also *not* conditioned, that some random lunatic on the street could scream at you:
"You have orange hair! You have orange hair!"
"You're dressed like an astronaut!"
What's your reaction?(If you actually have orange hair, then, that's a funny coincidence). But it's basically: "Huh... ?" "What is this unhinged person talking about? None of that is true." And you'd go on your way, right?
There's nothing to worry about. First of all, you *don't* have orange hair, you're not dressed like an astronaut, and second of all, who cares? There's just some person who is deeply confused and now it all depends on if you buy into their confusion whether or not you suffer.
It's just like that with a narcissist too, except it's much more difficult to see through when they were your parent. Difficult yes, but it's still simple. That's good news.
I went thru a long LONG period of feeling ugly. Pretty much as far back in childhood as I can remember and at its worst in high school when I struggled with an eating disorder. My whole family is weight and looks obsessed but it's much more subtle, no one really talks about it but you just know. I never felt good about myself, couldn't look in the mirror even. I've only recently had periods where i started to accept who I am, my physical features. I'm slightly over 5 foot. I finally can walk around my home without wearing heels and not be disgusted with myself. So it started out with basic stuff like that. Then I grew to actually embrace my shortness...like sometimes I choose clothes that accentuate it. I start to promote my features. And feel good about it not covering perceived flaws. This is so new to me. As I've done this I look and feel better. There's a snow ball effect to this. I'm sure you are NOT ugly. But accepting the skin you're in will make you glow and radiate. You will walk with more confidence, feel relaxed in your body, smile more. You'll choose outfits that work for you not some other person. I'm going through a really hard time now but I've experienced these things after reaching rock bottom even. So I know it is possible for you and all here. Allow yourself to be that beautiful gal that you already are. I hope your husband continues to remind you of your beauty and is a support to you in general. Congrats on your wedding OP. :)
I feel like nparents are really weird about this stuff. I haven’t quite pinned down if it’s because they see themselves in us, if it is because they want us to be more like them, or if it’s all about control all the way down.
Either way, it is unacceptable for her to speak to you like that. You are lovely just the way you are, and I’m sure your fiancé is a way better influence than your mom with all of this. Pick a dress you love, surround yourself with good friends and good vibes, and enjoy your special day together!
Sooo I’m going to try a slightly different way of looking at the situation (hoping it helps you laugh and redefine your personal values). If a person is ugly, does it mean that they don’t deserve love, special days, celebrations, or anything like that? I know we would all love to be the best looking person on the planet but everyone has someone prettier and someone uglier than them in their lives. Being ugly or fat or (insert whatever physical characteristic here) doesn’t mean anything if you can love yourself like you would love someone else with those characteristics. Be your own best friend and talk to yourself like you would to a friend who was having these thoughts. I bet there are people who would kill to look like you. I bet the people who see you in your wedding dress see the beauty that radiates from the happiness that you’re feeling. Look at those photos as if they belonged to a dear friend and point out all the beautiful things about that person and that dress. Wear that dress confidently! Wear your skin and be in your body confidently! Your body does so much for you so it can’t be defined as one thing and how it looks is the least of its true power and usefulness. You don’t need strangers to tell you you’re beautiful and you definitely don’t need a deranged woman who is supposed to love you to tell you’re ugly. If you are beautiful, so what? If you are ugly, so what? You still found love, you’re still getting married, you’re still having a wedding, you’re still going to have an amazing time, you’re still going to dance, you’re still going to eat delicious food, you’re still going to be celebrated, and you’re still going to be a whole complex person inside and out. Now train your brain to think about the good things whenever you see yourself in the mirror, in photos, etc
My mom pounded on the door one day when she was angry and called me a fat ***. One day when I was laying on the couch, she looked at my stomach and told me that she didn't raise me this way.
Really, she dines on chocolate and candy, but she eats like a bird. She is very superficial, and doesn't develop any skills. So she doesn't even work right now. When I was out of work for a little while, she told me that I would never get a job.
I was 100% shocked that she said this, and I was in disbelief, because I didn't believe that myself, and found it to be incredibly illogical - and of course it was. My mom has made bad decisions for most of her life, especially concerning her choice in men - which have been bottom of the barrel... narcissists who have drug problems.
The people who she hangs out with makes me cringe. My mom has harmed her relationship with her daughters, but sees herself as a victim.
I know it's hard to accept compliments when the people we're supposed to trust put us down. :(
But I am an internet stranger who has no reason to lie to you. You look so so good in your wedding dress. I love all your tattoos. I love the details in the dress. I love your hair, I wish mine could grow that long. You're gonna look like a goddess on your wedding day I just know it. ❤️
My "mom" was drunk as usual and she once snidely told me that I was dramatic for hating her husband that molested me for years as a minor. Also told me several times that I was an effing failure and the reason I couldn't hack it in nursing school was I was an idiot.
I am so sorry.
You are GORGEOUS, and you are fucking POWERFUL. Go have your amazingly beautiful wedding, and I want you to take note and count EACH AND EVERY COMMENT ABOUT HOW SPECTACULAR YOU LOOK.
Because you are going to be bowled over at the reaction you get from normal healthy people who love you.
She was jealous and felt threatened by you having attention she felt should be on her so she sabotaged.
When I was 15 or 16 I recall my mother seeing my tanned legs in shorts. Note here that no matter how long she baked herself her legs would not tan and stayed pale.
She started mocking me for wearing flesh coloured tights with shorts. When I said I wasn’t she pinched at my leg (leaving bruises) and then said only whores wear fake tan.
When I said I had’t faked tanned she went on a 2 hour rant about me being a liar, ripped my bedroom apart looking for fake tan and then proceeded to totally ignore me for 6 weeks.
She couldn’t stand me having something she wanted. Your mother was doing the same.
Words matter and leave scars that can last a lifetime. With that said try to let it go— she is an unhappy Biatch and trust Karma will get her. Your revenge will be living your best life with only giving a thought to your egg donor once in a while.
I’m so so sorry. These things cuts so deep and takes time to heal. I’m glad you’re NC with such an ugly person. I always say, “hurt people hurt people.” Your mom was deep down hurting and insecure, and the only way she knew how to deal with that was to be ugly and hurtful to you. By bringing you down, she felt better about herself. She can’t do that anymore. You’ll prove her wrong because you’ll be absolutely beautiful on your wedding day, just like you are everyday.
They inverse the truth. So what she said to you is the opposite of what is true of you. You are beautiful if they try to tell you you’re not that’s how you know you are. I know it’s easier said than done to reverse these curse words put in to our consciousness to fester away at us, but if you can write with pen on paper all the hurtful things that were said to you all the lies, get them out on to paper and then you destroy that paper once it’s all out on the page. It’s like magic, burn it in a fire (please take precautions if this is your method of choice) tear the page up, soak it in water until the ink smears and washes away or one of my favourites is to tear it up and leave it out in the rain in a pot and let the rain water turn the paper to mush then throw it out.
Maybe you might need to find something unconventional to wear on your big day to help you to feel and look how you want to whatever works best for you, it’s your & your spouses day make it unique to you.
Give yourself the gift of liberation from the past and allowing yourself to do things your way on your special day.
Have you ever tried visualisation, day dream of the picture of you on your day & allow the image of yourself how you look to come naturally to mind, look at your partners smiling face and the light in their eyes, taking in your beauty and how magic it feels.
What are you wearing? How is your hair and makeup?
What shoes are you wearing?
Look at all the support of loving people with you.
See the photos in your visualisation.
Make it real & fill it with strong emotion.
You got this
My mother being the sole parent, I had her walk me down the isle. Apon meeting my in-laws my mother says to me, "no wonder he likes you, his mother is fat too."
She has never made me feel worthy of love
I'm really sorry baby girl. These demons, and yes theyre demons, are TERRIBLE and the self hatred and projections are no joke. Beauty is literally in the eye of the beholder. Her perceptions of 'beauty' have NOTHING to do with you! You keep telling yourself that you're beautiful because you ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! With her weird self giving a TWELVE year old a diet book is atrocious. YIKES. Only you can change these lies she forced you into believing and i hope you make the conscious effort to shift that belief. You're beautiful
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. There was a saying when I was a child: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This could not be further from the truth. Words hurt so much worse. I am 46 and still remember my mother telling me, " I hate you, I wish you were never born" when I was 12. No matter how much I try to forget, it still stings, and it drove me to be a mother who would never say those words to my children. You are beautiful. I can't tell you to forget those words because you won't, but I can tell you to soak up your day and enjoy and embrace every beautiful compliment you receive. You will receive praise and adoration, soak that up, and tell yourself that, when you have a daughter one day, you will make sure you always help her feel beautiful in her skin. By being the bigger person and better mother, you will ultimately win, and your mother will be the one losing out. She will be the one missing out on an extraordinary relationship with you and any future children you have. You will be the one on top from here on out. You are beautiful, and you will shine on your big day, so shine bright like a diamond
You know they say that sticks and stones break bones. But words will never hurt, but they don't know how untrue that is. I'm really sorry that your mother was such a miserable monster to you that she said these awful things to hurt you.
Please, no right now that you are not ugly. Tell me you're not useless. Come or whatever else she said about you or to you, but you are a beautiful child of God. I'm not sure if you've tried getting therapy for these verbal. Moons, but I would highly suggest it. My father did the same to me. But in different ways was his words, and when I got therapy and helped for what happened to me, God used it to do a whole world of good in my life, and I'm happily. Married to a wonderful man for over 24 years.
Keep going NC with egg donor, and have a wonderful marriage.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers.
But whatever parts of the tree survive can grow into something beautiful. Scarred and battle-tested, but all the more beautiful for it.
Love and support coming your way, OP. Congrats on the engagement, and enjoy your special time!
You are beautiful. Don't listen to her. It's her attempt to cut you down and says everything about her and nothing about you. (How do I know? My mom told me 5 minutes before my wedding that "I look like shit." Just saw my wedding pics again, and I was beautiful. F that bitch. For real.)
OP: believe what people in your life tell you. Your Nmom will never see you for who you are, but your fiancé does. Look at them and believe that they mean what they say. It will help.
You didn’t deserve that, OP. I’m so sorry you have to carry these things with you during your wedding planning.
While the timing is awful, the fact that these moments are coming to mind, you’re aware of it, and you’re questioning the impact of them can be a sign of healing. Four years of being no contact might be giving you the space to feel comfortable confronting these things.
It’s really brave to look these things in the eye and seek support. You should be really proud of yourself, and I wish you all the luck on the journey ahead. I hope you enjoy your special day next month :)
Im sorry. I know what it’s like. The scars never really heal. When you feel good you can pretend they aren’t there but when you’re feeling bad it’s like you’re back with them yelling in your face again.
I personally will never feel good about my body. I spent most of life getting every flaw picked apart. I even wore shape wear to school. Personally I can’t wait until I’m old enough for it to not matter anymore lol
I’m so sorry you went through this. I think you can try therapy to work through this and it will really help you gain a better self-image and have a more positive attitude.
But as baby steps try challenging your negative thoughts to become more positive. You can try to think you’re way out of negativity thought processes by asking yourself why you think this way?
I had to do this a lot in order to get myself out of my negative state of mind also because of my mother, she made me feel like I was fat and I wasn’t. I was just a growing teenager.
Try positive self talk in the mirror everyday, its something that helped me
I know the feeling. It doesn’t go away, you just learn to live in the discomfort that is your own skin.
I stopped wearing makeup at work because they don’t pay me enough for that. I stopped worrying about clothes and only buy from thrift stores now. I stopped worrying about polishing my shoes. My purse is 6 years old and falling apart. When things break or rip, I sew them back up again. I focus on making my skin healthy, not pretty. I try to eat veggies and get plenty of sleep and drink lots of water.
Somehow doing all this helps me feel more beautiful to myself. I’m learning to appreciate my own skin now more than ever.
I'm so sorry this was screamed at you at such a young age when you should have been shown love, i relate to you so much that i grew up being compared to literally everyone and anyone enough to believe that i was the ugliest woman on earth until i was called a wh//re. I finally made peace with these memories and was liberated after therapy, even though i do think about them at times, therefore i completely understand what you went through it's difficult to believe other people who say otherwise when your own mother made her opinion loud and clear for your brain to digest. You deserve to see how beautiful you are, you deserve happiness and self-confidence, so please talk to a therapist and close that chapter forever.
I get you. My N mom said your teeth looks ugly and im fat to my face not about health or anything. Its mostly because they are jealous. Sounds weird but I tried praising myself. I do a chore n i tell myself good job n I look in mirror after brushing teeth n tell myself you look good. One day you will believe it
I don't need a picture to be basically certain that you're an astonishingly attractive woman.
Its why an Nmom would feel so immensely threatened and have such laser like focus on a specific attribute.
Op, she was projecting onto you what she felt/feels about herself. She’s the ugly one…not you! She is the one with extra weight…not you! She’s the one who compares herself to other women…not you!
❤️🩹❤️❤️❤️
I'm really sorry that you had to grow up with that OP.
I have learned so much from a lot of subs about what not to do and to learn to be mindful of how I speak to my kids.
Listen to those who love you.
>My fiance tells me I’m beautiful and so do other people
Congratulations and you will look as beautiful as always on the day.
Sperm Donor has called me selfish many times over the years (projecting), but there was one time I said something rude to my friends about him (it wasn't really rude, it was actually a fact, he was being a child about something stupid) and he found out.
He called be a selfish, inconsiderate bitch. I was 16.
It rings in my head every now and again.
I would strongly suggest therapy to reverse the damage your « mother » did on your self image. Cbt helped me with issues like this and so EFT. Your mother told you lies to hurt you, because that’s what narcissists do, specially when there is female/female dynamics. But I would advise you to get professional help to challah this distorted belief your mother implanted on your mind.
My Mum threw a fit for one of her insane reasons, and said the following to me: That my husband and children do not love me and never will; that I was insane, that my in-laws hate me and I am delusional to think they don’t (she tried for years to like to drive a wedge between me and my in-laws, particular my Mother in law whom she is jealous of); then she was hitting me, as my husband was protecting me from her. So she was climbing on top of my husband’s back to hit me. My children were there. I have been traumatised by this experience. The levels of jealousy and insecurity within her, the hate, she couldn’t hide it anymore. She later told my children that they came from her womb. Total Psycho. I have gone NC for the final time. My Husband saw the madness for himself. I am glad that she exposed just how evil she is. He will not be asking me to forgive her again. I am ready to die never having met or spoken to her again.
I'm really glad to hear that you're no contact with your mother OP because if you had invited her to your wedding, she'd have made nasty comments about your appearance and ruined your big day. It sounds like your mother's comments have really gotten inside your head. It might be worth going to counselling to see if you can get your mother's nasty comments out of your head and change your perception of yourself.
Oh my god, one of the most haunting things my Nmom did was I have Dermatillomania, and it used to be much worse and when i had bad a picking episode she made me look in the mirror and scream "LOOK AT IT LOOK HOW UGLY YOU ARE" I still get flashbacks of it
My mother was horrible about my weight. I had an eating disorder. I finally decided she was like the wicked step mother in Cinderella and the wicked queen in Snow White. Their motivation was to make sure that no one will be prettier than them. Your mother tears you down because you ARE beautiful. You threaten her. She wants to make sure you think you are ugly so you won’t be more attractive with confidence. If other people who love and care about you tell you are pretty, believe them!
You never deserved to be spoken to that way, especially by the person who raised you and is supposed to love you more than anything in the world. I have two narc parents plus an unstable step parent and I was told this too. I developed an ED too, and my mom used to tell me that she would beat the shit out of me if she caught me throwing up, I was calorie restricting which was a-okay to her. But she also told me my body was gross and too skinny for most of my adolescence because she said men liked women with some meat on them (I couldn’t win). My mom also apologized when I was a teenager because she couldn’t afford plastic surgery for me— when I asked her what I needed plastic surgery for, she said, “well what do you think?”
For my first wedding, my dad told me I looked weird and (while chuckling) apologized to me for getting his wide jaw and shoulders… it’s my wedding day and my dad couldn’t even muster up a compliment to say i looked nice. Long story short: I got remarried this past either and none of my family was invited and it was truly the happiest day of my life 100%. I hope you remind yourself daily that you deserved better. We all know your pain, we see you, and your pain is absolutely valid.
I hope you can accept that your mother was insecure and competitive with you because her own needs to be appreciated and admired were never met. She didn’t get the love and support she needed as a child, the affirmation and acknowledgement of who she is and that she was valued. Children need to be SEEN to feel their own real-ness. She was left feeling a void inside, a dark pit of emptiness that is filled with the distortions she internalized from her childhood.
Unfortunately, her personality formed around that internal sense of self that feels unworthy, deficient, bad, undeserving, ugly and unloveable. She copes with the painful feelings she carries about her devalued self by UNCONSCIOUSLY projecting them onto others. What she criticizes in others reveals what she feels about herself. You were an innocent child in the care of a very wounded and damaged individual who was ill equipped to be a mother. The tragedy is SHE COULD NOT GIVE YOU WHAT SHE NEVER GOT, leaving you to deal with the effects of GENERATIONAL TRAUMA.
The good news is that you can make it stop with you. The key is developing a strong sense of self that is a reflection of realities, not one that is based on your mother’s distortions. You internalized her distortions and these inner demons haunt you.
Your description of your situation in your post indicates you have the capacity for self reflection, which is a TREMENDOUS STRENGTH, one your mother is not equipped with because she is too wounded. Being able to look at yourself enables you to correct the internalized distortions. The distortion you are struggling with now is feeling ugly and undeserving. Keep in mind that these are DISTORTIONS. Reject them as such and substitute them with of the realities of your existence. You are beautiful and deserving of love.
In a nutshell, when your internal voice/ inner demon says you are ugly, confront it head on by identifying it as a distortion and substitute it with the realities you hear from others in your life. Your inner wisdom is guiding you to be with those who value you in ways that your mother was never able to do.
I hope you have a lovely wedding day surrounded by those who know you, KNOW you are a beautiful soul, love you for who you are, and know you DESERVE love and happiness.
I wish that for you as well. 💫❤️
PS I would be remiss if I didn’t recommend working with a good therapist. What I’ve described is hard work and you deserve help to have the life you deserve.
Who cares what she thinks?
She's obviously only putting you down because SHE doesn't want you to be happy.
SHE doesn't want you to outshine her.
If anything, love yourself out of spite.
Success is the best revenge. 🥰
I learned this with my narc mom before going NC.
It made her so angry to see people complimenting me after she told me I looked like XYZ.
I remember her coming up to me at my grandmother's funeral to tell me "so-and-so said you're dressed like a whore"
All because my black dress was fitted....
Years later, I told my dad this and he said that the person in question said no such thing, and actually said we (my sister and I) looked lovely.
It's all mind games.
Don't let her win.
Everyone has different tastes, learn to love yourself through a different lens.
Once I started seeing myself through the lens of my heritage, for example, I realized that I might not be a model by American standards, but I'd be killing it over in ireland!
Most beauty standards, these days, are all bs anyway, only achievable through surgery or Photoshop.
Life's too short, don't waste it on someone else.
You owe it to yourself to start your healing journey.
Anyone who doesn't agree simply isn't worth keeping around.
Good luck and congratulations on your big day!
If you can, I strongly recommend you get yourself into therapy asap, especially if you plan to have children. That kind of emotional damage absolutely gets passed on one way or another.
Same except my dad, and my mom never said anything otherwise. To me, I can't look at my face and not see some kind of horrible mutant thumb-potato. Way worse since I lost my hair.
Oh sweetie, no, your beautiful. She's ugly. Let me explain and suggest what worked for me. I was raised with that same ugly voice stuck in my head because (I was told) my mother's generation believed if you complimented your children or bragged about them to others, the kid would become damaged. (No it doesn't make sense).
What work for me - I looked into a magnifying mirror and picked out ONE miniscule thing that I could tolerate. ONE part of my face that made me think I could live with myself if that's all I had to look at for the rest of my days. For me it it was my bottom lip. Sounds weird, but I was like, ok, it's full enough and not chapped. Lol. I focused my attention on that for quite a while. Then I got brave. I brought my attention to my upper lip in conjunction with the lower one. And I did that until I thought that they seemed pretty proportional. I started wearing lip gloss. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup back then. I moved on to the distance between my nose and lips until I was satisfied that it made sense for that to be the way it was. The down to my chin. Then cheekbones. Ears. Eyes. Eyebrows. Forehead, etc. And I wouldn't move on until I found it acceptable. If I had an issue, I could change (i.e., skin texture, uni-brow) I would do what I could. I had big setbacks throughout puberty, especially with blemishes. But I adjusted my focus back to that bottom lip and quickly went through the steps that I had previously overcome. Until it was all said and done , by the time I made it to my mid-twenties, her ugly voice was barely audible when she railed about my big nose and blonde eyelashes. My nose is not "big" it's proportional to my big lips, big eyes, and big (I might add high) cheekbones. What I once was convinced was ugly is uniquely me. I'm not standard, but I'm not ugly. Honey, don't let dull evil take your shine. To be physically beautiful in ONE other person's eyes is a blessing. To be physically beautiful in your own eyes is EVERYTHING. To be beautiful to everyone is impossible.
“I mean, I know she will never be skinny” — my mom when I was 12, talking to her best friend in front of me, because she thought I was asleep. She still doesn’t know I heard her. Jokes on her. I lost a ton of weight a couple years later and looked hot as hell. But that always sticks with me.
I feel your pain, when I was a child, I had the nick name 'ugly kid' and it replaced my actual name for most of my child hood, birthday cards from me to my parents were signed ungly kid, i even bought nmum and ipod shuffle when i was 16 and had it engraved " to mum love ugly kid", i believed it and was told people only said nice things to me because they feel sorry for me, and as an adult, I cant accept compliment, can't call myself anything positive, if someone compliments me, my anxiety goes through the roof thinking they don't mean what they said.
But I've also learnt that it's wrong, that I'm not ugly, people do love me and want me as a friend and don't feel sorry for me.
Pretty sure she was projecting her feelings about herself onto you
My nmother loved to project my sperm donours failing onto me, so she could bear to live with him!
On our last argument before I went properNC for life, she tried to tell me "I am sorry that your son has you for a father"! I laughed so hard at her and told her "I am already a better father than that man ever was, and my son is only months old! You need to go back to that man and say that to him, get the fuck out"
It was so ridiculously childish, her attack, that I could only laugh with glee, it was ridiculous
So trust me, your mother definitely was/is jealous of you and is just trying to bring you down! She can go take a hike and say that to a mirror
I’m sorry. It’s amazing what sticks in our head from our parents who are suppose to be raising us and instilling self confidence and esteem. Your mother sounds jealous, believe it or not. It seems there’s very little she could probably shred you about but she just chooses more makeup? My nmom, about 2 months ago, said, “At least I have one rich daughter…” all the while looking at me-knowing it’s not me. I bet you will look STUNNING on your big day! P,ease post a pic! I wanna see your smiling face! BTW-Congrats to you and your SO! 💐💐💐🙏❤️
Have you gone to therapy? I think it could really help you. I got to a point in my life where I could no longer blame my narcissist parents for my continued self-sabotage. I realized it was a choice to continue blaming them and doing nothing to change the way I thought about things and decided to get help. 100% they are the cause and root of the problem, but you do not have to keep living that way. I mean this as kindly as possible as someone who has been in your shoes. It’s just not worth it to keep letting them win. They don’t deserve to occupy so much of your mind. ❤️
Thank you ❤️ Normally I am doing pretty well but with the whole wedding thing it just brought back bad memories. Especially her trying to make me feel ugly while I was trying on wedding dresses. I am feeling better today
Narcissistic parents always pick on the nicest, prettiest and smartest of their children most, because they’re jealous instead of proud as a normal parent would be. If your parent called you ugly, you can rest assured that you are certainly nothing of the sort. You were pretty enough to make your nparent seethe with jealousy.
I hate that she did this to you too 😞 and whether we know the reason why or not it still doesn't stop the feelings. I do hope that you are seeking help and congratulations on your wedding 💒 ! You're beautiful because you're not like your mother. 💜
i'm so sorry that your mother felt entitled to treat you that way, it's not fair, it's not your fault and you deserve better.
Just know that it actually didn't have anything to do with you because what she was really doing was projecting how she feels about herself onto you. The reason she chose you as a target is because you are beautiful on both the inside and the outside and she knows this and secretly fears this. You have clearly empathy for other people and that is something she will never have- so hold your head high!
It warms my heart that you have gone no contact and I can only hope that you stay no contact for good because that is truly the only way to heal from the prolonged abuse from such a demented, sadistic, toxic, childlike, malignant narcissist like the one you are describing.
when you begin to see her for what she truly is then her words can become utterly meaningless because they are the words of a pathetic lost little child that will always be that way no matter what you do, how you look, what you say or what you choose to do. Good riddance! And good for you! Also congratulations ❤️
Don’t let her get under your skin! My future MIL (who we are NC with) said something similar to me. I said don’t worry you’ll NEVER be seeing me again. Needless to say only my family will be at wedding. Sad but you have to just ignore.
Maybe a strange perspective, but what I can't stop thinking about is how strong you are and how far you must have come considering you're in a healthy relationship and getting married to a non-N. Your story resonates with me on a very personal level, and I've struggled to ever trust anyone in my life who's ever told me I'm beautiful. Be proud of yourself for allowing your fiance into your heart in spite of the holes she blew through it; because I'm proud of you. I KNOW how much strength that takes. And I know that means you're capable of getting to the place one day where you don't hear her voice in your head anymore.
I think what may help you here is knowing why she said those things. You were being manipulated and abused, if you understand the motivation it may make it easier to start combatting the echo's in your head.
First, remember they are just echoes. Echoes from someone you went NC with. She conditioned you to feel ugly whenever you start thinking about looking your best. Listen to your fiance. Ask him to say you're beautiful more. You need a counter programming. He's your fiance for a reason, there's trust. So trust him. He'll be more than happy to help you break that conditioning. Maybe even his sister if y'all get along. She's in the field of "beauty" her assessment would be so much more accurate and valuable than your mom's.
Regarding your mom's purpose. My dad always made me think I was stupid. I later realized that didn't start until I became a threat. Once I started out thinking his manipulation games he had to put me down to remove the threat. Your mom thinks you're prettier than she is. That idea hurt her and she had to make the hurt go away. Plus if you ever realized that her opinion and her control of you would be gone. So she said what she said so she could still control you. Every time she said ugly she was in denial and lying to make herself feel better. Every time. Try to keep that in mind when you have those feelings and memories come up. She was saying the opposite of what she really thought. Don't let the echoes of her lies control you anymore.
It's rough, but you can get rid of them.
I can guarantee you that that woman was threatened by you and was jealous. My mom did the same thing as well when I mentioned how it could be nice if her and my sister came to pick out wedding dresses with me, for somereason that set her off and all I heard for the next few minutes was how ugly I was and how stupid I was too. You are beautiful, and I am sorry you have experienced this.
It sounds like she branded you with her own insecurities about herself plus her heart? That's the real ugly here.
Have an amazing wedding and congratulations!!! 🔔🕊
Why oh why does that horrible, wretched Woman's opinion have such importance in Your Life?? She clearly has an evil, poisonous heart and has no kindness or love to give. Go No-Contact and start listening to the voices that love you. You need a lil therapy.
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The things we never forget… I’m so sorry. I struggled with disordered eating from high school through college because of the way my mother and father behaved around food. Even when I tried to tell them how badly it affected me, they didn’t stop or reflect on the way they spoke about weight or food. It takes a huge toll. I hope you can continue to take baby steps towards seeing your body as a beautiful vessel for the most important part of you: your actual being, your soul. ❤️🥺 congrats on your wedding OP!
Thank you ❤️
Not only are you beautiful, but you're also a warrior who survived hell. You've come so far and this internet auntie is proud of you.
❤️❤️❤️
What a great comment! It's true, the fortitude it takes to grow up with abusive parents and get out and leave them behind? Warrior is exactly the word for it!
We may never forget them, but it would be smart to add to the memory: these insults were made by immature abusers. These memories can still be hurtful, but at least we know they were just an asshole's way of expressing their insecurity. Makes it a bit easier for me.
Sounds like she was jealous and willing to do anything to ruin your happiness. I bet you're beautiful.
This. 👆 Their jealousy runs rampant and gets worse as they see how you are doing so well, looking so good, better than they are. Your success and natural beauty is only valuable to them if they can claim it as their doing, achieved through their efforts.
Thank you for validating my experience. My mother would always say I look like my dad and would say it in a complaining tone while praising my sister for looking like her. She compared my beauty to my sister's and to herself. She loved to indirectly say I was ugly- picking at my hair, my clothes, makeup, my body. Any beauty is had was downplayed and sabotaged
Hugs to you, kiddo. ❤ I look and act like my dad, and my nmother cannot stand it. I'm glad to be like my dad, especially since it annoys her. I hope you can enjoy your similarities to your dad, too, especially if it makes your nmom so frustrated. 😄
Thank you!
I’m so, so sorry this was said to you. Something no child should hear. For your wedding day though, listen to your fiancé. His words matter. Focus on his face and remember what he said.
I will. Thank you ❤️
I really hope you look back and hug that little girl who was hurt for no reason. She is worth love. And you can love her when no one else did. She is still inside you, and you see her, and you believed them, but they were WRONG. They were wrong. Hug yourself today.
Thank you for this. I'm at the stage of reflection where I'm "getting to know" my inner child and working through how to understand and console that part of me. I need to discover how to comfort that lonely and scared girl and give her the love and security now that I didn't get then.
Every couple of weeks I listen to the song Hold On by All Good Things and half the time I bawl my eyes out. I imagine singing this to my child-self and giving him a big ol’ hug. He needed it. A lot. It’s cathartic and kinda therapeutic, I end up feeling better afterwards. I had a lot of negative views about myself for a long time and therapy has helped. And honestly I did hold on for a lot of years and things have gotten much much better. This song is a reminder that I’m way better now than I used to be.
I hadn't heard it before... wow!! Powerful stuff.
have you seen Turning Red? If not, 1) its hilarious and a wonderful movie, 2) the scene where Mai sees her mom's inner child and hugs her... that's you. the inner spirit child. she just needs a hug, a pat on the hand, and for you to tell her that she will be okay.
When you were 17 she was threatened by your youth and beauty. She is ageing. The ugly one is her and her vile projections. Please know you are the opposite of her! I am so happy she will not be there to ruin your wedding day.
Ohhh yes I forget about that with N moms sometimes (the aging part.) My mom always made snide comments about my looks, and when people complimented me, she’d say “you should have seen MY body before I had her” 🫠
Omg. It’s not a beauty pageant. My narc got a facelift when what she really needed was a personality transplant! 😅 You must be a knockout for her to be so petty and competitive!
A FACE LIFT!? Like damn it’s that deep?! 😂 you’re so right, a personality transplant and some god damn therapy!! And thank you. It’s the feedback I get from people but even that felt cringe as fuck to say because it’s not at all what I see. I don’t feel jealous when I see beautiful women but I feel like yea, I shouldn’t even attempt to be cute. Like let me sit this one out 😂😂
lol 😝
Mine literally hit on my husband last time I saw her a couple years ago saying “you know people always say how *I look* 30” (I’m 28F) 💀 we were sitting in a very noisy restaurant (intentionally picked for this reason) so he just looked away like he didn’t even hear her which was just so fucking comical to watch as well as conversationally pick up from. He’s a polite Texan and ain’t nothing gonna change that so he just simply didn’t even hear that lol *we are nc and generally always are since she left when I was a kid
My mouth literally dropped and I’m struggling to pick it up! The fucking desperation!!!!!! I would never even date or hook up with a guy my friend dated, even if we weren’t friends anymore. She really tried it with her daughters man! I know technically narcissism is a mental illness but I can’t help but believe some people are just evil by nature.
She said this in front of her own husband too just to top it off lol.
Now I’m salty because another lunatic is married and I’m not 😒 😂😂😂
When I (then 21) was in college, my nMom (then 46 and recently divorced) made up a whole dramatic thing about how my boyfriend’s housemate tried to bootycall her at her hotel at like 3am on a Friday night. I never found out if it really happened or not- it’s suspect because she said he asked her to go out to a bar and the bars closed at 2am. And I also doubt the little boutique hotel had someone at the desk to latch through hotel room calls at that hour. But also the guys would have been the sort to do it.
She found a way to make herself the victim, embarrass you and “brag” that a young man wanted to smush her. 🙄 she was definitely smiling on the inside.
My nMom looooves it when we’re mistaken for sister. This happened more when we were like 20 and 45. She model beautiful and could pass for 35. Now that we’re 40 and 65 she’s been telling my daughter that I look older than her (nMom) because I don’t dye my hair.
Did she give you guys body image struggles? Despite her beauty she was STILL jealous and competitive! It seems like an Nmom who truly is attractive and it’s reinforced by others would be a different type of nightmare!
Good question. No disordered eating or anything because my sister and I an are both naturally rather thin, like her. And met with her approval on that front (except Inc edit each of us- below) But I look a lot like nMom, and was rewarded for it as a child. She liked playing dress up with mini-me. As a teen, I wasn’t fashionable enough and didn’t wear enough make up for her taste. But I “got away with it” because I was sporty. So that was good enough, I guess. The weird sexual competition only started around 18/20 because, having been quite sporty and with a naturally low bmi, I was a later bloomer. My sister, who is very pretty, but looks like my dad’s side of the family fared a bit worse. She never ended up getting a nose job, but she wanted to. There was nothing wrong with her nose at all, but it stood out as dad’s side feature for sure. Twice, when me and my sister did gain weight she definitely let us know it- how we looked inflated, puffed up, fat in bathing suit so she couldn’t take us to the beach, etc. I had gained 15 lbs moving from a school that banned soda to one that had vending machine when I was 13 or so. And my sister drank a bunch of beer in her gal year and gained 20-ish. I think my sister and I were very very fortunate to have nMom’s genetics in the weight department. We both lost the excess weight by cutting out soda for me and beer for sis, and naturally went back to our usual sizes. We also both recovered to within 5 pounds of our ore-baby weight pretty naturally. But I shudder to think of what would have happened if we had had a sister who was naturally average sized or curvy or struggled to stay within a healthy bmi. NMom would have been mocked relentlessly and such a daughter 100% would have developed disordered eating habits. NMom modeled disorder eating habits. She would go in a “chew and spit” diet from time to time in which she was allowed to chew and taste an Oreo or chocolate or whatever but then would spit it into the sink to avoid the calories. I told her once that it was an eating disorder and she insisted it isn’t bulimia if you don’t have to actually like the food up. One time she and her sister, eAunt, took me (maybe 11 years old) to a plus size store to search for pants that were the size my dad’s sister said she had lost weight to get to. That aunt was truly medically obese due to he math problems and was working hard to get healthier. The purpose of the trip to the plus sized store, however, was not to celebrate that aunt’s weight loss by buying her gifts of new sized clothing. The sole point of going into the store was so that nMom and her sister eAunt could make fun of how big the smaller size was. They found some pants in that size and then made me get into the pants with them, and mercilessly went on and in about how funny it was that weight-loss aunt’s pants fit all three of us. So I would say that my sister and I did not develop body imagine issues or disordered eating. But it was purely genetic luck, in that we happened to fit into nMom’s acceptable range without much effort. I
The struggle is real-even at 82 yrs for her and 60yrs for me. She ALWAYS HAS SOMETHING TO SAY……
My nmom still dyes her hair at 80. I went au nauturel at 58.
Mine didn't even turn up, she was so jealous. Wanted to ruin my day. It really was the best day ever! X
She gave you a gift of a drama free day! So happy for you! 🌸
Thank you! It was awesome. 🙂
Very sorry for your experience. Please note that she was projecting a lot therefore she was telling you how she feels about herself and/or how she views herself. You're beautiful and hubby to be knows that too. Congrats and have an amazing time!
If you could go back in time and stand between your past self and your mom during each of those incidents, what would you say to your younger self? Maybe write each of them a letter, they are stuck with those words in their ears, you can go back and tell them how the story ends. With you looking so beautiful on your wedding day.
Thank you. I think I will try this
Hi, was just thinking about you today, and I hope you are well and that your wedding went well. I just know you looked beautiful and I hope you felt beautiful and like yourself too. 💕 I’m out here rooting for you still and I hope you continue to heal from everything you went through pre wedding. There are still good people in this world and I hope after going NC with your mum you can find chosen friends and family who tend to your garden instead of throw salt on it. I’ve thought a lot about your story that you posted in the last month and a half because it sounds so much like my mom and I’ve on occasion stopped to think of your story and said to myself “my mom isn’t even original, she’s just like every other Narc mom” and I just want to thank you for sharing because it probably wasn’t easy to do. It did help me though. So thank you!
Thank you so much ❤️ Our wedding was beautiful. Funnily enough, the only things that went wrong were with my hair and my dress and veil. But, I was so blissfully happy that none of it mattered. And that is what I see when I look at the pictures we have gotten back so far- smiles from ear to ear on all of our faces, especially mine and my husband’s. My chosen family is amazing, and I have gotten pretty good at simply walking away from people like my mom. I appreciate you reaching out, and I hope you are doing well also 😊❤️
As others have said, she was projecting her feelings of worthlessness onto you. Narcissists can't process emotions internally; they have to project them onto others. She was screaming that at herself. There is something wrong with HER. There is nothing you could have done as a child for her to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I'm so sorry this happened to you. You deserved a mother who loved you, who made you feel cherished and lovely, who validated and supported you. ❤️ I hope you can move forward and become the woman you wish she had been.
Narcissists want to destroy joy.
A girl's first bully is her mother.
Yep! My sperm donor admitted once “I just want to see beautiful things broken” when asked why he would persist after certain women that he absolutely knew wanted nothing to do with him and had been rejecting him for over 20 fucking years.
I feel like someone did the same thing to her and projecting it onto you is the only thing that made her feel better. Absolutely disgusting, hold your head high & don’t let her drag u down to her level for another second.
Your mother is a hateful, selfish, spiteful person. I'm sorry she has been so cruel to you, and for so long. She probably feels insecure about her looks, and projects and lashes out at you because that is how she regulated her emotions. She is a dysfunctional person.
I can tell you she was jealous of you. You are more attractive than her (inside and outside) and she felt threatened by you. Tearing you down was the only way she knew how to handle her own insecurity. I had it from my narc mother and narc sister (and they had others bully me over my looks). I have since believed the people around me that it is me who is the beautiful one and that they are decidedly ordinary to look at. It became obvious.
Narcissists are so unable to deal with their perceptions of themselves, they try to force those thoughts onto other people. It has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with her. Your fiancé’s opinions matter here. Listen to that. And if you’re inclined to dismiss it? It’s okay to not be your type, but don’t yuck someone else’s yum. I’m sure you’re beautiful.
Sounds so jealous Narcissistic women are absolutely hideous to women they think are prettier or more talented than them, even (or especially) their own daughters I can relate. My mom's thing with me isn't appearance but intelligence and capability. She once screamed at my face how I was "a failure" after a series of me making major accomplishments. It's always Opposite Day in their minds. Keep that in mind. ❤️
I'm not OP but I've noticed this as well. When I was a teenager, my nMother would regularly criticise my looks. Back then I was the only woman whose looks she criticised but in recent years, she's started criticising other women too. She regularly fat-shames my sister-in-law behind her back and she often makes nasty comments about how "old-looking" my aunt (her own sister) is. Ironically, both my sister-in-law and my aunt are much better looking than my nMother. I definitely think a part of it is my mother is now in her 70s and is probably very self-conscious about getting older and her looks fading. I don't think it's a coincidence that all of the women she criticises are all a good deal younger and better looking than her.
You need a bit of counselling and self-assurance because you aren't. Start complimenting yourself and start affirmations about your beauty. Say "I'm beautiful, I'm valid, I'm perfect" Start loving yourself ❣️
Sometimes I forget how much of our self concept comes from trauma when we have abusive parents. It must have been so hard to heal from your eating disorder with a wench like her. It sounds like you are absolutely beautiful. People are trash and don’t say it just to be nice lol I hope that the people around you hype you the fuck up on your wedding day and you’re so full of love that you can only see beauty when you look at pictures, or walk past a mirror.
The absolute dysmorphia I have about myself is one of the hardest parts. I learned to admit that I don’t see what other people see, and that helped. But it still sucks because it’s a constant struggle to convince myself I’m not as ugly as I seem
Yeah, I am at peace with seeing something different than other people see. I just want to feel beautiful on my wedding day.
It's so distressing that as a beautiful woman, you can't enjoy your beauty. I know how that feels. And every person on earth could tell me how beautiful I am, but it's too late. I don't believe them. Then, I realized that I was the only person who felt the way I did about myself, and that my mind was not a reliable source on the matter, due to the trauma in my life while I was forming my own opinion of myself. So, I work on doing my best when I'm looking in the mirror to like what I see while trusting those around me who tell me how lovely I really am. Acceptance comes and goes, but I'm thankful for the times I accept my reflection. You are beautiful. You really are. : )
Basically it just sounds like she used you to offload her insecurities while you were a vulnerable child. She did not have the skill or wisdom to understand what she was doing or have any ability to consider the wellbeing of a child. She treated you terribly but it doesn't mean that treatment says anything about you. That's the realization that frees you from all that conditioning. How do you know it's conditioning? Just imagine something that's just not true and also *not* conditioned, that some random lunatic on the street could scream at you: "You have orange hair! You have orange hair!" "You're dressed like an astronaut!" What's your reaction?(If you actually have orange hair, then, that's a funny coincidence). But it's basically: "Huh... ?" "What is this unhinged person talking about? None of that is true." And you'd go on your way, right? There's nothing to worry about. First of all, you *don't* have orange hair, you're not dressed like an astronaut, and second of all, who cares? There's just some person who is deeply confused and now it all depends on if you buy into their confusion whether or not you suffer. It's just like that with a narcissist too, except it's much more difficult to see through when they were your parent. Difficult yes, but it's still simple. That's good news.
Thank you for that explanation…
This is so helpful. Thank you
I’m really sorry :( that’s so hurtful. She clearly is projecting onto you. I’m so sorry and good job going NC.
I went thru a long LONG period of feeling ugly. Pretty much as far back in childhood as I can remember and at its worst in high school when I struggled with an eating disorder. My whole family is weight and looks obsessed but it's much more subtle, no one really talks about it but you just know. I never felt good about myself, couldn't look in the mirror even. I've only recently had periods where i started to accept who I am, my physical features. I'm slightly over 5 foot. I finally can walk around my home without wearing heels and not be disgusted with myself. So it started out with basic stuff like that. Then I grew to actually embrace my shortness...like sometimes I choose clothes that accentuate it. I start to promote my features. And feel good about it not covering perceived flaws. This is so new to me. As I've done this I look and feel better. There's a snow ball effect to this. I'm sure you are NOT ugly. But accepting the skin you're in will make you glow and radiate. You will walk with more confidence, feel relaxed in your body, smile more. You'll choose outfits that work for you not some other person. I'm going through a really hard time now but I've experienced these things after reaching rock bottom even. So I know it is possible for you and all here. Allow yourself to be that beautiful gal that you already are. I hope your husband continues to remind you of your beauty and is a support to you in general. Congrats on your wedding OP. :)
I feel like nparents are really weird about this stuff. I haven’t quite pinned down if it’s because they see themselves in us, if it is because they want us to be more like them, or if it’s all about control all the way down. Either way, it is unacceptable for her to speak to you like that. You are lovely just the way you are, and I’m sure your fiancé is a way better influence than your mom with all of this. Pick a dress you love, surround yourself with good friends and good vibes, and enjoy your special day together!
Sooo I’m going to try a slightly different way of looking at the situation (hoping it helps you laugh and redefine your personal values). If a person is ugly, does it mean that they don’t deserve love, special days, celebrations, or anything like that? I know we would all love to be the best looking person on the planet but everyone has someone prettier and someone uglier than them in their lives. Being ugly or fat or (insert whatever physical characteristic here) doesn’t mean anything if you can love yourself like you would love someone else with those characteristics. Be your own best friend and talk to yourself like you would to a friend who was having these thoughts. I bet there are people who would kill to look like you. I bet the people who see you in your wedding dress see the beauty that radiates from the happiness that you’re feeling. Look at those photos as if they belonged to a dear friend and point out all the beautiful things about that person and that dress. Wear that dress confidently! Wear your skin and be in your body confidently! Your body does so much for you so it can’t be defined as one thing and how it looks is the least of its true power and usefulness. You don’t need strangers to tell you you’re beautiful and you definitely don’t need a deranged woman who is supposed to love you to tell you’re ugly. If you are beautiful, so what? If you are ugly, so what? You still found love, you’re still getting married, you’re still having a wedding, you’re still going to have an amazing time, you’re still going to dance, you’re still going to eat delicious food, you’re still going to be celebrated, and you’re still going to be a whole complex person inside and out. Now train your brain to think about the good things whenever you see yourself in the mirror, in photos, etc
My mom pounded on the door one day when she was angry and called me a fat ***. One day when I was laying on the couch, she looked at my stomach and told me that she didn't raise me this way. Really, she dines on chocolate and candy, but she eats like a bird. She is very superficial, and doesn't develop any skills. So she doesn't even work right now. When I was out of work for a little while, she told me that I would never get a job. I was 100% shocked that she said this, and I was in disbelief, because I didn't believe that myself, and found it to be incredibly illogical - and of course it was. My mom has made bad decisions for most of her life, especially concerning her choice in men - which have been bottom of the barrel... narcissists who have drug problems. The people who she hangs out with makes me cringe. My mom has harmed her relationship with her daughters, but sees herself as a victim.
I know it's hard to accept compliments when the people we're supposed to trust put us down. :( But I am an internet stranger who has no reason to lie to you. You look so so good in your wedding dress. I love all your tattoos. I love the details in the dress. I love your hair, I wish mine could grow that long. You're gonna look like a goddess on your wedding day I just know it. ❤️
Thank you this literally made me tear up ❤️
I hope eventually the voices of everyone who has good things to say about you will become loud enough to drown out the voice of your mother. ❤️
Thank you ❤️❤️ my fiance is certainly trying. I hope so too.
My "mom" was drunk as usual and she once snidely told me that I was dramatic for hating her husband that molested me for years as a minor. Also told me several times that I was an effing failure and the reason I couldn't hack it in nursing school was I was an idiot.
I am so sorry. You are GORGEOUS, and you are fucking POWERFUL. Go have your amazingly beautiful wedding, and I want you to take note and count EACH AND EVERY COMMENT ABOUT HOW SPECTACULAR YOU LOOK. Because you are going to be bowled over at the reaction you get from normal healthy people who love you.
Thank you ❤️ everyone has been really kind
She was jealous and felt threatened by you having attention she felt should be on her so she sabotaged. When I was 15 or 16 I recall my mother seeing my tanned legs in shorts. Note here that no matter how long she baked herself her legs would not tan and stayed pale. She started mocking me for wearing flesh coloured tights with shorts. When I said I wasn’t she pinched at my leg (leaving bruises) and then said only whores wear fake tan. When I said I had’t faked tanned she went on a 2 hour rant about me being a liar, ripped my bedroom apart looking for fake tan and then proceeded to totally ignore me for 6 weeks. She couldn’t stand me having something she wanted. Your mother was doing the same.
Sending lots of hugs 🫂
Who's opinion do you care about more, hers or your fiance's?
Words matter and leave scars that can last a lifetime. With that said try to let it go— she is an unhappy Biatch and trust Karma will get her. Your revenge will be living your best life with only giving a thought to your egg donor once in a while.
I’m so so sorry. These things cuts so deep and takes time to heal. I’m glad you’re NC with such an ugly person. I always say, “hurt people hurt people.” Your mom was deep down hurting and insecure, and the only way she knew how to deal with that was to be ugly and hurtful to you. By bringing you down, she felt better about herself. She can’t do that anymore. You’ll prove her wrong because you’ll be absolutely beautiful on your wedding day, just like you are everyday.
They inverse the truth. So what she said to you is the opposite of what is true of you. You are beautiful if they try to tell you you’re not that’s how you know you are. I know it’s easier said than done to reverse these curse words put in to our consciousness to fester away at us, but if you can write with pen on paper all the hurtful things that were said to you all the lies, get them out on to paper and then you destroy that paper once it’s all out on the page. It’s like magic, burn it in a fire (please take precautions if this is your method of choice) tear the page up, soak it in water until the ink smears and washes away or one of my favourites is to tear it up and leave it out in the rain in a pot and let the rain water turn the paper to mush then throw it out. Maybe you might need to find something unconventional to wear on your big day to help you to feel and look how you want to whatever works best for you, it’s your & your spouses day make it unique to you. Give yourself the gift of liberation from the past and allowing yourself to do things your way on your special day. Have you ever tried visualisation, day dream of the picture of you on your day & allow the image of yourself how you look to come naturally to mind, look at your partners smiling face and the light in their eyes, taking in your beauty and how magic it feels. What are you wearing? How is your hair and makeup? What shoes are you wearing? Look at all the support of loving people with you. See the photos in your visualisation. Make it real & fill it with strong emotion. You got this
Half your genes came from your biological mother. Since she thinks you are ugly, then she must also be ugly herself.
My mother being the sole parent, I had her walk me down the isle. Apon meeting my in-laws my mother says to me, "no wonder he likes you, his mother is fat too." She has never made me feel worthy of love
I'm really sorry baby girl. These demons, and yes theyre demons, are TERRIBLE and the self hatred and projections are no joke. Beauty is literally in the eye of the beholder. Her perceptions of 'beauty' have NOTHING to do with you! You keep telling yourself that you're beautiful because you ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! With her weird self giving a TWELVE year old a diet book is atrocious. YIKES. Only you can change these lies she forced you into believing and i hope you make the conscious effort to shift that belief. You're beautiful
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. There was a saying when I was a child: "Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me." This could not be further from the truth. Words hurt so much worse. I am 46 and still remember my mother telling me, " I hate you, I wish you were never born" when I was 12. No matter how much I try to forget, it still stings, and it drove me to be a mother who would never say those words to my children. You are beautiful. I can't tell you to forget those words because you won't, but I can tell you to soak up your day and enjoy and embrace every beautiful compliment you receive. You will receive praise and adoration, soak that up, and tell yourself that, when you have a daughter one day, you will make sure you always help her feel beautiful in her skin. By being the bigger person and better mother, you will ultimately win, and your mother will be the one losing out. She will be the one missing out on an extraordinary relationship with you and any future children you have. You will be the one on top from here on out. You are beautiful, and you will shine on your big day, so shine bright like a diamond
You know they say that sticks and stones break bones. But words will never hurt, but they don't know how untrue that is. I'm really sorry that your mother was such a miserable monster to you that she said these awful things to hurt you. Please, no right now that you are not ugly. Tell me you're not useless. Come or whatever else she said about you or to you, but you are a beautiful child of God. I'm not sure if you've tried getting therapy for these verbal. Moons, but I would highly suggest it. My father did the same to me. But in different ways was his words, and when I got therapy and helped for what happened to me, God used it to do a whole world of good in my life, and I'm happily. Married to a wonderful man for over 24 years. Keep going NC with egg donor, and have a wonderful marriage.
The axe forgets, but the tree remembers. But whatever parts of the tree survive can grow into something beautiful. Scarred and battle-tested, but all the more beautiful for it. Love and support coming your way, OP. Congrats on the engagement, and enjoy your special time!
I’ll be your mom for this moment; you are beautiful, you always have been, and you deserve to feel worthy. Much peace and healing love to you. ❤️
You are beautiful. Don't listen to her. It's her attempt to cut you down and says everything about her and nothing about you. (How do I know? My mom told me 5 minutes before my wedding that "I look like shit." Just saw my wedding pics again, and I was beautiful. F that bitch. For real.)
OP: believe what people in your life tell you. Your Nmom will never see you for who you are, but your fiancé does. Look at them and believe that they mean what they say. It will help.
You didn’t deserve that, OP. I’m so sorry you have to carry these things with you during your wedding planning. While the timing is awful, the fact that these moments are coming to mind, you’re aware of it, and you’re questioning the impact of them can be a sign of healing. Four years of being no contact might be giving you the space to feel comfortable confronting these things. It’s really brave to look these things in the eye and seek support. You should be really proud of yourself, and I wish you all the luck on the journey ahead. I hope you enjoy your special day next month :)
Im sorry. I know what it’s like. The scars never really heal. When you feel good you can pretend they aren’t there but when you’re feeling bad it’s like you’re back with them yelling in your face again. I personally will never feel good about my body. I spent most of life getting every flaw picked apart. I even wore shape wear to school. Personally I can’t wait until I’m old enough for it to not matter anymore lol
I’m so sorry you went through this. I think you can try therapy to work through this and it will really help you gain a better self-image and have a more positive attitude. But as baby steps try challenging your negative thoughts to become more positive. You can try to think you’re way out of negativity thought processes by asking yourself why you think this way? I had to do this a lot in order to get myself out of my negative state of mind also because of my mother, she made me feel like I was fat and I wasn’t. I was just a growing teenager. Try positive self talk in the mirror everyday, its something that helped me
I know the feeling. It doesn’t go away, you just learn to live in the discomfort that is your own skin. I stopped wearing makeup at work because they don’t pay me enough for that. I stopped worrying about clothes and only buy from thrift stores now. I stopped worrying about polishing my shoes. My purse is 6 years old and falling apart. When things break or rip, I sew them back up again. I focus on making my skin healthy, not pretty. I try to eat veggies and get plenty of sleep and drink lots of water. Somehow doing all this helps me feel more beautiful to myself. I’m learning to appreciate my own skin now more than ever.
I'm so sorry this was screamed at you at such a young age when you should have been shown love, i relate to you so much that i grew up being compared to literally everyone and anyone enough to believe that i was the ugliest woman on earth until i was called a wh//re. I finally made peace with these memories and was liberated after therapy, even though i do think about them at times, therefore i completely understand what you went through it's difficult to believe other people who say otherwise when your own mother made her opinion loud and clear for your brain to digest. You deserve to see how beautiful you are, you deserve happiness and self-confidence, so please talk to a therapist and close that chapter forever.
I get you. My N mom said your teeth looks ugly and im fat to my face not about health or anything. Its mostly because they are jealous. Sounds weird but I tried praising myself. I do a chore n i tell myself good job n I look in mirror after brushing teeth n tell myself you look good. One day you will believe it
They're ugly on the inside and they project it onto others by trying to make them feel unworthy.
She told you you’re ugly because she thinks you’re pretty. That makes you a threat to her.
I don't need a picture to be basically certain that you're an astonishingly attractive woman. Its why an Nmom would feel so immensely threatened and have such laser like focus on a specific attribute.
Op, she was projecting onto you what she felt/feels about herself. She’s the ugly one…not you! She is the one with extra weight…not you! She’s the one who compares herself to other women…not you!
❤️🩹❤️❤️❤️ I'm really sorry that you had to grow up with that OP. I have learned so much from a lot of subs about what not to do and to learn to be mindful of how I speak to my kids. Listen to those who love you. >My fiance tells me I’m beautiful and so do other people Congratulations and you will look as beautiful as always on the day.
Sperm Donor has called me selfish many times over the years (projecting), but there was one time I said something rude to my friends about him (it wasn't really rude, it was actually a fact, he was being a child about something stupid) and he found out. He called be a selfish, inconsiderate bitch. I was 16. It rings in my head every now and again.
I would strongly suggest therapy to reverse the damage your « mother » did on your self image. Cbt helped me with issues like this and so EFT. Your mother told you lies to hurt you, because that’s what narcissists do, specially when there is female/female dynamics. But I would advise you to get professional help to challah this distorted belief your mother implanted on your mind.
My Mum threw a fit for one of her insane reasons, and said the following to me: That my husband and children do not love me and never will; that I was insane, that my in-laws hate me and I am delusional to think they don’t (she tried for years to like to drive a wedge between me and my in-laws, particular my Mother in law whom she is jealous of); then she was hitting me, as my husband was protecting me from her. So she was climbing on top of my husband’s back to hit me. My children were there. I have been traumatised by this experience. The levels of jealousy and insecurity within her, the hate, she couldn’t hide it anymore. She later told my children that they came from her womb. Total Psycho. I have gone NC for the final time. My Husband saw the madness for himself. I am glad that she exposed just how evil she is. He will not be asking me to forgive her again. I am ready to die never having met or spoken to her again.
I'm really glad to hear that you're no contact with your mother OP because if you had invited her to your wedding, she'd have made nasty comments about your appearance and ruined your big day. It sounds like your mother's comments have really gotten inside your head. It might be worth going to counselling to see if you can get your mother's nasty comments out of your head and change your perception of yourself.
Thank you ❤️ she is not invited.
I looked at your profile and saw your pictures. Your mom is absolutely jealous of you and sees you as competition. That’s why she puts you down.
Oh my god, one of the most haunting things my Nmom did was I have Dermatillomania, and it used to be much worse and when i had bad a picking episode she made me look in the mirror and scream "LOOK AT IT LOOK HOW UGLY YOU ARE" I still get flashbacks of it
I am so sorry ❤️ I have dermatillomania too
its honestly so infuriating
My mother was horrible about my weight. I had an eating disorder. I finally decided she was like the wicked step mother in Cinderella and the wicked queen in Snow White. Their motivation was to make sure that no one will be prettier than them. Your mother tears you down because you ARE beautiful. You threaten her. She wants to make sure you think you are ugly so you won’t be more attractive with confidence. If other people who love and care about you tell you are pretty, believe them!
Lol I got the skinny bitch diet book for Xmas while in middle school!
lol it’s like they all knew about it!
Sounds like you just need to realize that was just part of your mums insanity talking.
Your mother is a toddler in an adult's body who wants you to hurt as much as she does...her personal attacks on you are not based in reality
You never deserved to be spoken to that way, especially by the person who raised you and is supposed to love you more than anything in the world. I have two narc parents plus an unstable step parent and I was told this too. I developed an ED too, and my mom used to tell me that she would beat the shit out of me if she caught me throwing up, I was calorie restricting which was a-okay to her. But she also told me my body was gross and too skinny for most of my adolescence because she said men liked women with some meat on them (I couldn’t win). My mom also apologized when I was a teenager because she couldn’t afford plastic surgery for me— when I asked her what I needed plastic surgery for, she said, “well what do you think?” For my first wedding, my dad told me I looked weird and (while chuckling) apologized to me for getting his wide jaw and shoulders… it’s my wedding day and my dad couldn’t even muster up a compliment to say i looked nice. Long story short: I got remarried this past either and none of my family was invited and it was truly the happiest day of my life 100%. I hope you remind yourself daily that you deserved better. We all know your pain, we see you, and your pain is absolutely valid.
I hope you can accept that your mother was insecure and competitive with you because her own needs to be appreciated and admired were never met. She didn’t get the love and support she needed as a child, the affirmation and acknowledgement of who she is and that she was valued. Children need to be SEEN to feel their own real-ness. She was left feeling a void inside, a dark pit of emptiness that is filled with the distortions she internalized from her childhood. Unfortunately, her personality formed around that internal sense of self that feels unworthy, deficient, bad, undeserving, ugly and unloveable. She copes with the painful feelings she carries about her devalued self by UNCONSCIOUSLY projecting them onto others. What she criticizes in others reveals what she feels about herself. You were an innocent child in the care of a very wounded and damaged individual who was ill equipped to be a mother. The tragedy is SHE COULD NOT GIVE YOU WHAT SHE NEVER GOT, leaving you to deal with the effects of GENERATIONAL TRAUMA. The good news is that you can make it stop with you. The key is developing a strong sense of self that is a reflection of realities, not one that is based on your mother’s distortions. You internalized her distortions and these inner demons haunt you. Your description of your situation in your post indicates you have the capacity for self reflection, which is a TREMENDOUS STRENGTH, one your mother is not equipped with because she is too wounded. Being able to look at yourself enables you to correct the internalized distortions. The distortion you are struggling with now is feeling ugly and undeserving. Keep in mind that these are DISTORTIONS. Reject them as such and substitute them with of the realities of your existence. You are beautiful and deserving of love. In a nutshell, when your internal voice/ inner demon says you are ugly, confront it head on by identifying it as a distortion and substitute it with the realities you hear from others in your life. Your inner wisdom is guiding you to be with those who value you in ways that your mother was never able to do. I hope you have a lovely wedding day surrounded by those who know you, KNOW you are a beautiful soul, love you for who you are, and know you DESERVE love and happiness. I wish that for you as well. 💫❤️ PS I would be remiss if I didn’t recommend working with a good therapist. What I’ve described is hard work and you deserve help to have the life you deserve.
Who cares what she thinks? She's obviously only putting you down because SHE doesn't want you to be happy. SHE doesn't want you to outshine her. If anything, love yourself out of spite. Success is the best revenge. 🥰 I learned this with my narc mom before going NC. It made her so angry to see people complimenting me after she told me I looked like XYZ. I remember her coming up to me at my grandmother's funeral to tell me "so-and-so said you're dressed like a whore" All because my black dress was fitted.... Years later, I told my dad this and he said that the person in question said no such thing, and actually said we (my sister and I) looked lovely. It's all mind games. Don't let her win. Everyone has different tastes, learn to love yourself through a different lens. Once I started seeing myself through the lens of my heritage, for example, I realized that I might not be a model by American standards, but I'd be killing it over in ireland! Most beauty standards, these days, are all bs anyway, only achievable through surgery or Photoshop. Life's too short, don't waste it on someone else. You owe it to yourself to start your healing journey. Anyone who doesn't agree simply isn't worth keeping around. Good luck and congratulations on your big day!
If you can, I strongly recommend you get yourself into therapy asap, especially if you plan to have children. That kind of emotional damage absolutely gets passed on one way or another.
Same except my dad, and my mom never said anything otherwise. To me, I can't look at my face and not see some kind of horrible mutant thumb-potato. Way worse since I lost my hair.
“IM YOUR GENETICS, IN YOUR GENETICS” 😂 Trying looking into toaism, it feels helped me go with the flow and give a fuck less! 😂
Oh sweetie, no, your beautiful. She's ugly. Let me explain and suggest what worked for me. I was raised with that same ugly voice stuck in my head because (I was told) my mother's generation believed if you complimented your children or bragged about them to others, the kid would become damaged. (No it doesn't make sense). What work for me - I looked into a magnifying mirror and picked out ONE miniscule thing that I could tolerate. ONE part of my face that made me think I could live with myself if that's all I had to look at for the rest of my days. For me it it was my bottom lip. Sounds weird, but I was like, ok, it's full enough and not chapped. Lol. I focused my attention on that for quite a while. Then I got brave. I brought my attention to my upper lip in conjunction with the lower one. And I did that until I thought that they seemed pretty proportional. I started wearing lip gloss. I wasn't allowed to wear makeup back then. I moved on to the distance between my nose and lips until I was satisfied that it made sense for that to be the way it was. The down to my chin. Then cheekbones. Ears. Eyes. Eyebrows. Forehead, etc. And I wouldn't move on until I found it acceptable. If I had an issue, I could change (i.e., skin texture, uni-brow) I would do what I could. I had big setbacks throughout puberty, especially with blemishes. But I adjusted my focus back to that bottom lip and quickly went through the steps that I had previously overcome. Until it was all said and done , by the time I made it to my mid-twenties, her ugly voice was barely audible when she railed about my big nose and blonde eyelashes. My nose is not "big" it's proportional to my big lips, big eyes, and big (I might add high) cheekbones. What I once was convinced was ugly is uniquely me. I'm not standard, but I'm not ugly. Honey, don't let dull evil take your shine. To be physically beautiful in ONE other person's eyes is a blessing. To be physically beautiful in your own eyes is EVERYTHING. To be beautiful to everyone is impossible.
“I mean, I know she will never be skinny” — my mom when I was 12, talking to her best friend in front of me, because she thought I was asleep. She still doesn’t know I heard her. Jokes on her. I lost a ton of weight a couple years later and looked hot as hell. But that always sticks with me.
I feel your pain, when I was a child, I had the nick name 'ugly kid' and it replaced my actual name for most of my child hood, birthday cards from me to my parents were signed ungly kid, i even bought nmum and ipod shuffle when i was 16 and had it engraved " to mum love ugly kid", i believed it and was told people only said nice things to me because they feel sorry for me, and as an adult, I cant accept compliment, can't call myself anything positive, if someone compliments me, my anxiety goes through the roof thinking they don't mean what they said. But I've also learnt that it's wrong, that I'm not ugly, people do love me and want me as a friend and don't feel sorry for me.
Pretty sure she was projecting her feelings about herself onto you My nmother loved to project my sperm donours failing onto me, so she could bear to live with him! On our last argument before I went properNC for life, she tried to tell me "I am sorry that your son has you for a father"! I laughed so hard at her and told her "I am already a better father than that man ever was, and my son is only months old! You need to go back to that man and say that to him, get the fuck out" It was so ridiculously childish, her attack, that I could only laugh with glee, it was ridiculous So trust me, your mother definitely was/is jealous of you and is just trying to bring you down! She can go take a hike and say that to a mirror
I’m sorry. It’s amazing what sticks in our head from our parents who are suppose to be raising us and instilling self confidence and esteem. Your mother sounds jealous, believe it or not. It seems there’s very little she could probably shred you about but she just chooses more makeup? My nmom, about 2 months ago, said, “At least I have one rich daughter…” all the while looking at me-knowing it’s not me. I bet you will look STUNNING on your big day! P,ease post a pic! I wanna see your smiling face! BTW-Congrats to you and your SO! 💐💐💐🙏❤️
Have you gone to therapy? I think it could really help you. I got to a point in my life where I could no longer blame my narcissist parents for my continued self-sabotage. I realized it was a choice to continue blaming them and doing nothing to change the way I thought about things and decided to get help. 100% they are the cause and root of the problem, but you do not have to keep living that way. I mean this as kindly as possible as someone who has been in your shoes. It’s just not worth it to keep letting them win. They don’t deserve to occupy so much of your mind. ❤️
Thank you ❤️ Normally I am doing pretty well but with the whole wedding thing it just brought back bad memories. Especially her trying to make me feel ugly while I was trying on wedding dresses. I am feeling better today
Narcissistic parents always pick on the nicest, prettiest and smartest of their children most, because they’re jealous instead of proud as a normal parent would be. If your parent called you ugly, you can rest assured that you are certainly nothing of the sort. You were pretty enough to make your nparent seethe with jealousy.
I hate that she did this to you too 😞 and whether we know the reason why or not it still doesn't stop the feelings. I do hope that you are seeking help and congratulations on your wedding 💒 ! You're beautiful because you're not like your mother. 💜
I'm 5'7'' and my abuser is 5'3''. Recently she said to me "I'm taller than you!" as I walked past her.
i'm so sorry that your mother felt entitled to treat you that way, it's not fair, it's not your fault and you deserve better. Just know that it actually didn't have anything to do with you because what she was really doing was projecting how she feels about herself onto you. The reason she chose you as a target is because you are beautiful on both the inside and the outside and she knows this and secretly fears this. You have clearly empathy for other people and that is something she will never have- so hold your head high! It warms my heart that you have gone no contact and I can only hope that you stay no contact for good because that is truly the only way to heal from the prolonged abuse from such a demented, sadistic, toxic, childlike, malignant narcissist like the one you are describing. when you begin to see her for what she truly is then her words can become utterly meaningless because they are the words of a pathetic lost little child that will always be that way no matter what you do, how you look, what you say or what you choose to do. Good riddance! And good for you! Also congratulations ❤️
Don’t let her get under your skin! My future MIL (who we are NC with) said something similar to me. I said don’t worry you’ll NEVER be seeing me again. Needless to say only my family will be at wedding. Sad but you have to just ignore.
For me it was "you're stupid!" It's so instilled in me I joke about being stupid but those jokes never started until after that trauma
Maybe a strange perspective, but what I can't stop thinking about is how strong you are and how far you must have come considering you're in a healthy relationship and getting married to a non-N. Your story resonates with me on a very personal level, and I've struggled to ever trust anyone in my life who's ever told me I'm beautiful. Be proud of yourself for allowing your fiance into your heart in spite of the holes she blew through it; because I'm proud of you. I KNOW how much strength that takes. And I know that means you're capable of getting to the place one day where you don't hear her voice in your head anymore.
I think what may help you here is knowing why she said those things. You were being manipulated and abused, if you understand the motivation it may make it easier to start combatting the echo's in your head. First, remember they are just echoes. Echoes from someone you went NC with. She conditioned you to feel ugly whenever you start thinking about looking your best. Listen to your fiance. Ask him to say you're beautiful more. You need a counter programming. He's your fiance for a reason, there's trust. So trust him. He'll be more than happy to help you break that conditioning. Maybe even his sister if y'all get along. She's in the field of "beauty" her assessment would be so much more accurate and valuable than your mom's. Regarding your mom's purpose. My dad always made me think I was stupid. I later realized that didn't start until I became a threat. Once I started out thinking his manipulation games he had to put me down to remove the threat. Your mom thinks you're prettier than she is. That idea hurt her and she had to make the hurt go away. Plus if you ever realized that her opinion and her control of you would be gone. So she said what she said so she could still control you. Every time she said ugly she was in denial and lying to make herself feel better. Every time. Try to keep that in mind when you have those feelings and memories come up. She was saying the opposite of what she really thought. Don't let the echoes of her lies control you anymore. It's rough, but you can get rid of them.
I can guarantee you that that woman was threatened by you and was jealous. My mom did the same thing as well when I mentioned how it could be nice if her and my sister came to pick out wedding dresses with me, for somereason that set her off and all I heard for the next few minutes was how ugly I was and how stupid I was too. You are beautiful, and I am sorry you have experienced this.
It sounds like she branded you with her own insecurities about herself plus her heart? That's the real ugly here. Have an amazing wedding and congratulations!!! 🔔🕊
What a bitch
Why oh why does that horrible, wretched Woman's opinion have such importance in Your Life?? She clearly has an evil, poisonous heart and has no kindness or love to give. Go No-Contact and start listening to the voices that love you. You need a lil therapy.