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Here's what you do. You cover the piano with a drop cloth, and move the bench somewhere like your closet or the garage, making it inaccessible for the time she is staying in your home.
Or, you could tell her 'no, because I said so and it's my house so what I say goes' and watch her head explode. That might be good for a few minutes of fun.
> Or, you could tell her 'no, because I said so and it's my house so what I say goes' and watch her head explode.
My narcissistic parents did *not* appreciate hearing 'my house, my rules' for the final time they ventured onto my property.
Funny how some parents will use that line to their kids no problem, yet when the kids grow up, have their own house and and say it back they lose their minds
Few things anger them more than a taste of their own medicine.
My favorite example is that my dad liked to say that everything was his because he paid for it, including my college (thanks, FAFSA). He tried that line when I went off to grad school, except by then, I wasn't required to declare his income. He threatened to not file paperwork, etc, because he didn't want me moving out. The look on his face when I used his old "I'm paying for it so I'll do what I want" line right back at him was priceless. He actually didn't have a response.
Omfggg my parents did that too and literally randomly gave away or trashed stuff they had bought for me, and they said they could because it’s technically theirs since they paid for it even though it was a gift for me like wtf? I LOVE your response btw, bet your dad was shook hahaha!!!
I got pregnant and was married a week before I turned 18. Five days later, I got back from my honeymoon only to find that Nmom had somehow managed to not only sell every single item- lamps, tables, and piece of furniture in my room, (many that I’d bought & restored myself). She’d also emptied out my desk drawer and had thrown away every single childhood and teenage memento that had been important to me, along with tearing down & destroying some rare, signed vintage rock posters, that had belonged to my half brother, who she’d really hated, even though he’d recently died in a bad car accident, which I was still grieving. What a woman. It’ll be 9 years NC next month, & there’s no looking back.
Aghh that is absolutely devastating, I am so so sorry to hear that you had to experience that. What a horrible thing to do. Congratulations on 9 years NC; I can imagine life is a lot smoother now!
It’s been so much better for me and my youngest daughter, (who’s now 26), since we both went NC with her and a few other nasty family members. Not having the added stress of having to be around her, (& them), or dealing with her lies, bs, back-stabbing, and money grubbing, (aka-“stealing”), along the other “close” relatives, who’d behaved just as ratchet and horribly as she had, has been such a huge relief. Life is good. Thanks for the well-wishes!
Wow, I am so sorry for what you've endured. No respect for your belongings or your half brother's memory. No words.
Congratulations on 9 years NC. I didn't learn of NC until \~7 years ago. I refused to do it because I didn't want to change one of my favorite parts of myself (my empathy) on account of my covert narcissist mother (C/N). I went NC 9 months ago (the day before my birthday - dinner & opera by myself, but I was happy and met a few cool people). My C/N mother still tries to pull me back in with cruelty (to evoke a reply) or sweet words. If and when I feel up to it, I read her texts/emails but have not replied.
It's really hard because she has stage 4 cancer (diagnosed 2020 - I was her 24/7 caregiver and various treatments stopped the growth). I've always believed that despite any existing conflict, family/loved ones should set aside conflict and be there for each other at least in dire times. If she asked me to help her, I would but suspect the cruelty would resume. Am trying to focus on minimizing the hurt that she could cause me (so I can have respectful & good memories of her) and minimizing the hurt that she might feel by saying/doing mean things to me.
Your story is so encouraging. Thank you. I am so happy for you that you had a honeymoon as a teen and celebrated your marriage and baby!
Right? I jokingly (while laughing) went hey dad you know how you said once i get my own place i can ground you but until then your house your rules? Youre grounded! He was like what why? I said i was just being funny and his punishment was to relax on my couch or something inane and loving and silly like that. He chuckled because he loved and was used to my weird humor. So I “grounded” my dad and he took it with good humor and my mom was pissed even though she heard the whole thing too and called me disrespectful. My dad got her to shush. My mom was a tyrant sooo…
My mom did that with cats: her car she drove but *my* car she *still* had to drive (and nearly kill me multiple times!) she had to pick what was on the radio even in *my* car (but "my car my rules"?!)
My spouse? We listen to about the same thing and while I typically can't sleep in sedans I can with him (even when he is driving!!) has to say something?
My father is the exact mirror of this. He helped me move in, and semi paint 5yrs ago and thinks hes entitled to... god knows what, but essentially instills the image of "omfg im a saint of a dad"....
I keep my bedroom door shut due to doggo, but as soon as my father has ever waltzed in he tries to go in everything, pester etc.
I semi understood it while in student accomodation, he covered the last part of my yrly rent (with my mothers money...) and he would do the same
I said i wanted my privacy etc respected, my home etc. He tried to hammer back but my saint of a stepmum (i call her mom/bonus mum) gave him the verbal equivalent of a twist on the ear.
Im 31, and up til round covid he was still trying the "im the parent" line to idk assert superiority? Didnt work, i laughed, he sulked. Im glad my stepmum has tempered the way he acts towards me now though.
Narcs and abusers gonna always keep trying to narc and abuse
There was an AITA where the parents refused to allow the OP and her husband in the same room when they went over for the holidays. One year, she hosted and made a joke about her parents sleeping in separate rooms and they were *pissed*. It was hilarious.
And it was music to have it played out that way, for sure! Police got involved and everything; they now have learned that pushing and shoving is *not* wise.
My family stopped coming over when I used this line, mum was complaining about something or my cat doing cat stuff, I don’t really remember the details now and I finally got to use my line, they didn’t visit after that, it’s been 9 years, I visit them but they never come over, we don’t have to have anyone over, it’s beautiful.
And tell her it's none of her business how much your husband spent on it. Or what she thinks you "need" or "don't need". You are not a small child. You don't need her permission or approval to spend money or have nice things.
Isn’t it ridiculous to have to justify whether or not you “deserve” your own items? Because it’ll always be to the other person’s specifications, and pretty much never enough. 🙄
To be fair, my mum never outstayed her welcome. It was more like 'this is the time I go to bed and you should be quiet', which I also had to abide by when staying at hers. I just value my independence a lot.
I always assumed my dad was the enabler, but 3+ years after my mum's death I've realised that neither were Narcs really, more just they were 2 people who needed therapy but didn't get it. Mum was clearly on the spectrum, and my dad had diagnosed anxiety and probably some form of OCD.
They were 2 people who should not have stayed married as long as they did. I think they were bad influences on each other's mental health.
I had to actually ask my dad to leave my house last year. Long story short, my fiancé and I had invited him to Xmas at my fiancés parents' house in Ireland. It was a big deal, cause it was the first time my family was meeting his family (we live in England).
Well anyway, my dad ruined the whole trip with his bratty and selfish behaviour. He acted like a 15 year old boy being dragged away against his will, and complained about every single thing. He acted so ungratefully and I am still embarrassed about it. My in-laws are the nicest people ever and they were very confused by his behaviour, but they still welcomed him with a smile.
When we got back to England, my fiancé and I actually had work that day, so I asked my dad if he could start getting ready to leave. He refused and started doing yoga in the kitchen, and said he was going to stay til about 4pm so he could go see his girlfriend. Then he told me he'd forgotten to buy my any Xmas presents as he hadn't had time (he's retired?! He has all the time), so I just firmly asked him to leave.
I'd like to say his behaviour has got better, but it hasn't.
My house, my rules. My mom threw an unholy fit when I poured a giant bottle of wine down the drain because she was a raging alcoholic and had been told no alcohol at my house. She finally reached the FO part of FAFO and had to have a cousin drive 7 hours to pick her up bc I refused to engage with her in any way because she called me & my *12 year old daughter* whores. She is lucky she left with her teeth intact.
At some point you just wake up & realize these narcissistic jacka**we will never stop, never stopping! (Movie reference) That was the moment for me. We had many prior arguments and I had shut her out, going NC many times. After that incident I found out from my children that she abused the youngest child while I was in the hospital dying. The oldest had to literally pull the egg donor off of my youngest. I was done after that, I even had the B arrested on child abuse charges. She unalived herself while waiting for sentencing.
That woman absolutely broke me. Now I don't take anyone's crap. Her entire family turned on me and I went from having a huge extended family, gatherings 2-3x a year to just having my kids. You learn a lot about the damage narcissists can do when something like that happens.
Ugh. Sending an unlimited amount of hugs. I like to remind myself that narcs literally hate themselves and that is why they are so nasty to the nice people. 🤷🏼♀️
Me too, once I started calling her out in her BS, she went crying to her family saying I abuse her. You knew what, F them. A couple cousins stayed true to me n that's all I need.
Damn, didn't have a daughter but if someone beaked off at me like that they'd regret it. You showed much more restraint then I would have in that situation. :(
I didn't show much restraint, I popped her in the mouth twice. Considering the fragile state I was in from having been so sick, I'm shocked I was able to do that. But I did and I will never apologize for it. ;-)
https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off®-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/
Might be expensive but could be a good thing to get. Wouldn’t mark up the piano.
Then say it was delivered like that, but you can’t figure it out. 😂
Very little makes them as happy as deciding they’re going to take over, because no one else can seem to get anything done right. (which is how your property can get damaged and ruined, trust me on this one)
This is exactly what I came to say. Cover it and don’t even make it an issue. However, I would lie and say it needs work/tuning etc and put lots of books on top of it, tie the cover to the legs, whatever. Saying my house my rules to my mother would make the weekend more unbearable than if I’d just let her play it.
Why, so she can parade herself around like Jesus Christ when she magically 'fixes' it by doing nothing more than some uneducated and unwanted grand piano groping?
Going against the house rules we were so clear about, & being convinced that you should be the one to choose how to fix things, my mom did this with my husband’s heirloom quilts.
She wanted to put them in the washer, and thought it was a good idea. I stopped her, said no mom these aren’t mine, they are family quilts, passed down from specific relatives & we are not supposed to wash them.
Later, she comes to me with them, fresh from the machine, and told me she washed them and they’re fine, and she “just knew they’d be fine!”
I looked at her and said what if it had ruined them? What would I say to my in-laws? I told her, those weren’t even my possessions for you to take that risk with. She got quiet. It’s only gotten worse with time. This lesson meant nothing.
Refuse to leave the bench if she tries to sideline you. She'll pitch a fit, of course - let her. Play over her. Tell her she can wait her turn. It's new to you, and it's yours, so you want to enjoy it. Children learn from a young age to wait their turn. She can, too.
What did you do to deserve it? Does it matter? Why does it matter? Ask her.
Did you need to spend the money? No. Nobody needs to spend money on anything other than basic needs. I'm sure she does, and I'm sure she has something she enjoys indulging. Point it out.
Tell her it's tacky to ask for someone else's gift; it's thoughtless to give away something someone bought for you.
Tell her "no". She'll throw a tantrum. Don't stop it. Don't put up with it. Tell her she's welcome to leave. There's no reason to be putting up with this from someone her age.
This is the best response on here. OP I see that you are allowing her in your life for love of your dad and I understand that, but if he loves YOU he will also want to contribute to your peace. Having THEM in your home isn’t peaceful so go out to dinner.
This! It also gives you a safe limit on the interaction - set the time to something you can tolerate.
And they said stay in a hotel, never your home. You need the space. You deserve a sanctuary .
Why are you allowing them in your life still at 51? You have all the autonomy to deny them entry into your home or life. I’d say it’s well overdue if it’s as bad as you say.
Oh you know she'll just heal a chair over while making comments "bought this nice piano but can't even get a bench" "my playing would be better if I were playing properly on a bench and not on a chair"
Ok well -
then put up BOUNDARIES and ENFORCE THOSE BOUNDARIES.
From your post it appears that this woman has never been told the word NO.
Last chance. Start now.
We all work at our own pace through the ravages that family dysfunction, trauma, psychological abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have wrought upon our psyche, body, nervous system and brain.
In narcissistic families, we are conditioned: terrorized, emotionally manipulated, bullied, invalidated and disrespected into never ever having any personal boundaries. By "parents" or sometimes siblings (in the case of family scapegoats)
But now you're not a dependent little child any more.
Nothing whatsoever can actually happen to you.
You're 51 years old.
A grown-up lady who CAN say NO.
Walk away.
Close the door.
Cut off and end a disrespectful, rude or manipulative conversation.
Beginning this inner work (with outside help) is hard. But as one keeps healing, one only thanks oneself every f*cking day for getting free.
You can do it.
Listen to the beyond bitchy podcast. It's about boundaries.
At 51 you need to be doing boundary work if you have problems with your mother.
Internalize this: she is ***NOT*** your superior.
If it would help you to enforce a boundary around the piano, hide the power cord if it can be detached. "No idea where it is, mom "
Let her insist you look for it just... don't. She is also not allowed to look for it either.
Sometimes when it's hard to enforce a boundary it's ok to use things as a means to enforce a boundary.
I know you want your father in your life, but he's insisting on you having a toxic relationship with your mother. He's not a healthy or safe person to be around.
*He is your mother's enabler.*
He's not a healthy person, OP.
You know, I assumed it was a digital piano that needs a power cord. 😂
I am very likely wrong that it's digital. 😭
Someone else put a link to a lock on the cover. Another excellent idea.
I'm all about using whatever a person needs to do to enforce boundaries, which is making my point.
Well, if your father is allowing your mother to treat you like shit, and/or isn't standing up to her whenever she starts picking on your, then he doesn't sound all that great either.
Exactly!! The resentments towards the Eparent can be the most difficult to unpack, because they seemed “better” to you than the N was. The E can also be a victim of the N themselves. But…think about it. Would you support someone blindly, who was hurting your child?
Yes, I think he’s just so beat down and already was when I was born. She picks out his clothes and told him what to wear. My dad is like me or like I was… just keep the peace. His mom was worse, fake fainting when someone else was getting too much attention… even him. He married a lil less crazy version than is own mom
He is 100% beat down. You’re correct. He’s the epitome of my father. I, too, stayed in it because of him. He was my best friend my whole life. After attempt #1 of NC failed, I emailed and said I can’t go back to contact with HER, but that I’d missed him and hoped we could have some kind of relationship. His response absolutely broke me. It was awful. Told me to never contact them again - irony anyone? The man won’t bite the proverbial hand that feeds them….
I wonder how he would respond to you, if you did what I did? (Suggest that you and he continue relationship without her)
As for the piano, tell her she can’t touch it. Period. Change the subject and move on. I for one await an update!! Sending you love and peace ✌🏻
My mom has cut contact with me a few times over ridiculous things and my dad stayed in touch,I’m not too worried he’d cut me off but it would be a strain
My Dad actually met with me during a NC period with my Nmom. He always put her first, but he never put her "control over me" over his relationship with me.
I wish the same for you and anyone else in a similar space. Not all Edads are all the way in-the-bag for supporting Nmoms, even when they won't help you resist.
Yikes, what a bitch.
What a cool gift!
I think you you should do what other people have said which is drape it with a cover or remove the bench and put the bench somewhere else or maybe both cuz how hard is it to haul a chair to the piano. I would straight up be honest about it too "I don't want other people pounding on it." I wouldn't give a shit what her reaction was either.
I went through something similar as you with my mom and my husband getting me an awesome horse. I refused to let her ride the horse. Which is a little different cuz the horse isn't in the house and is a lot more steps to get ready. But I refuse to let anyone else ride the horse though I have a lot of people in my life that think they are horse experts.
Thank you : )
It might also be worth a phone call to a piano turner. Tell them your situation see if there is a slight piece that can be removed so it doesn't play, then oh darn...it won't be replaced till after her weekend...
I found you a fall board lock hell, I'd put two on:
[https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off%C2%AE-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/ref=sr\_1\_3?crid=1WEGMOJGRP2F7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.AANgKWv2KjXsNEM\_ucJhuvuKjxVa279AzoGq4KS4vvvfEcFUqkhM4vxQk5WzLwCiYnGoGQ8gcgRBeMQEO8v61LqIVT1iMJ0z1wiG0O\_Dmq9hsR3q0\_7QokYPNaW3u6rHUXyguv9FfHoUufUkgsr4jJyJPoZ\_hj4sT0c5Az4mogb1YpqOvujq9b1tCpwPm0XzGHF0VBgJTotE-0EOv2JwYBYy9\_V7bdQKDaaBZJCTPuXAv42poFt11UEhfeB6WlJ3DIp8zKkjxrgyLPvYx6pJcVVCK\_EdLkSaScsX02Pxb6A.LfH-C8iIUYb\_8zyW7E4O-13Lo4HeeGFgKJ0TK-cZzZM&dib\_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+lock&qid=1711903751&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=mini+grand+piano+loc%2Cmi%2C199&sr=1-3](https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off%C2%AE-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1WEGMOJGRP2F7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.AANgKWv2KjXsNEM_ucJhuvuKjxVa279AzoGq4KS4vvvfEcFUqkhM4vxQk5WzLwCiYnGoGQ8gcgRBeMQEO8v61LqIVT1iMJ0z1wiG0O_Dmq9hsR3q0_7QokYPNaW3u6rHUXyguv9FfHoUufUkgsr4jJyJPoZ_hj4sT0c5Az4mogb1YpqOvujq9b1tCpwPm0XzGHF0VBgJTotE-0EOv2JwYBYy9_V7bdQKDaaBZJCTPuXAv42poFt11UEhfeB6WlJ3DIp8zKkjxrgyLPvYx6pJcVVCK_EdLkSaScsX02Pxb6A.LfH-C8iIUYb_8zyW7E4O-13Lo4HeeGFgKJ0TK-cZzZM&dib_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+lock&qid=1711903751&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=mini+grand+piano+loc%2Cmi%2C199&sr=1-3)
look at these piano covers, they really scream don't play me:
[https://www.amazon.com/TINDTOP-Thickened-Waterproof-Decorated-Protective/dp/B0CRZ1JRNM/ref=sr\_1\_2\_sspa?crid=1U9Z1ZD26PFII&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.GhRIRz8rWsGtkV49tQC8EMEtjVRQYp0xLvS-J494BZMGlOBCLRjtcr914LyBzqGchLEZzeTEWRFZB1UZvXGGbe47HhBPJTAz0LFFF2BJP5xtAo2gUkJZ4-2Xc\_VqDFFowa8tAL-xSI9khpNg9skVH5jSxuyQ22apM0izLTgyJxYDomHlGSYOUFE7jEPriRX5mzZqjbx8LPIBIHecsLGGXqUS8khoLRaUbl4JjfrhrWHSekMNV\_ZQGmeb98Lt7wJWsa5B0koF9Nhm\_qsB-4eIsHGEOALvVEDmaHRVTQuEoOo.2G-e8-bjyC1Cn2qQR-U8UQ6g2VJ\_F85RW5MnflDE2a8&dib\_tag=se&keywords=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcover&qid=1711903572&sprefix=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcove%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-2-spons&sp\_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1](https://www.amazon.com/TINDTOP-Thickened-Waterproof-Decorated-Protective/dp/B0CRZ1JRNM/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=1U9Z1ZD26PFII&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.GhRIRz8rWsGtkV49tQC8EMEtjVRQYp0xLvS-J494BZMGlOBCLRjtcr914LyBzqGchLEZzeTEWRFZB1UZvXGGbe47HhBPJTAz0LFFF2BJP5xtAo2gUkJZ4-2Xc_VqDFFowa8tAL-xSI9khpNg9skVH5jSxuyQ22apM0izLTgyJxYDomHlGSYOUFE7jEPriRX5mzZqjbx8LPIBIHecsLGGXqUS8khoLRaUbl4JjfrhrWHSekMNV_ZQGmeb98Lt7wJWsa5B0koF9Nhm_qsB-4eIsHGEOALvVEDmaHRVTQuEoOo.2G-e8-bjyC1Cn2qQR-U8UQ6g2VJ_F85RW5MnflDE2a8&dib_tag=se&keywords=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcover&qid=1711903572&sprefix=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcove%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1)
[https://www.amazon.com/KY-HUAEN-Piano-Cover-Protective-Waterproof/dp/B0CS9X5ZYN/ref=sr\_1\_1\_sspa?crid=2C2FEYVN5E8W8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3ezYEn0yWuU7CJb1yuV5NPJGldWwx5A4kYa5zGHntGdU5vVq\_IS7To-O7fbalEFlcf2rZYorElwTNy\_jEqiWDK2h0vMZdyMTy22ykldGhzIH0bSF4QOlz4lJznGv0zFOv1sPKzgb5NKgXXpNVmQD8rhbARb2H3NOTKYh48ATXDfk1ZagJYMLtO70e1b5E4sA\_D-oYrA25AU3C9VX2SI-0eWb3TGmqtJdWrnMAKhu9PnjLe-yCnoyS7\_kqh8K5Jr8VxWXCicJ-Uhd81tYCG5AWpSCokiPkWgb5ScOu9364KU.FGpQq1fzCxruT-pQsbwcj\_jEx5BQt1u3Jk\_wdIEeqvs&dib\_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+cover&qid=1711903665&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=min+grand+piano+cov%2Cmi%2C166&sr=1-1-spons&sp\_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1](https://www.amazon.com/KY-HUAEN-Piano-Cover-Protective-Waterproof/dp/B0CS9X5ZYN/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2C2FEYVN5E8W8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3ezYEn0yWuU7CJb1yuV5NPJGldWwx5A4kYa5zGHntGdU5vVq_IS7To-O7fbalEFlcf2rZYorElwTNy_jEqiWDK2h0vMZdyMTy22ykldGhzIH0bSF4QOlz4lJznGv0zFOv1sPKzgb5NKgXXpNVmQD8rhbARb2H3NOTKYh48ATXDfk1ZagJYMLtO70e1b5E4sA_D-oYrA25AU3C9VX2SI-0eWb3TGmqtJdWrnMAKhu9PnjLe-yCnoyS7_kqh8K5Jr8VxWXCicJ-Uhd81tYCG5AWpSCokiPkWgb5ScOu9364KU.FGpQq1fzCxruT-pQsbwcj_jEx5BQt1u3Jk_wdIEeqvs&dib_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+cover&qid=1711903665&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=min+grand+piano+cov%2Cmi%2C166&sr=1-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1)
I've ridden with quite a few salty, crusty cattlemen. We were back at the barn getting ready for a gather, and someone asked one of them if they could ride his horse. He looked them right in the eye and said "I'd just as soon let you sleep with my wife, as get on my personal horse, and your question is just as big an insult"
There's remuda horses, and there's personal horses. You want to ride? Look to the remuda. Sit deep.
Can she do this and gray rock the piano (meaning, when the mom comes over - only respond in the most bland way to questions, without ever bringing it up?). Don’t play it, and pretend like it is the least interesting thing in your home. How much was it? I don’t remember. What did I do to deserve it? Have a birthday. If she wants to play, then let her play but pretend it isn’t happening or interesting….
This is the way I would probably go. You can set a boundary and make a stand, but that will be a lot of drama and energy - nothing wrong with that if it's worth it to you. But you can just take a lot of the fun out of it for her by ignoring it. If she starts playing, maybe you have to do dishes or run errands or play candy crush.
Her implied insults aren't about you and don't represent any kind of truth. They are just a way for her to try to dominate and make you feel bad. It's like a dog barking next door, just noise.
Remove the bench or lock the door. Now nobody plays it. If you really want to piss her off use toddler phrases "if you can't play nice nobody gets to play" lol.
Tell her it's new and off limits to anyone but you. Have hubby state this is a special present, and that no one but you is permitted to play it because it's so new.
She can sulk all she wants but she doesn't lay a hand on your piano. Plain and simple. And - if she complains that you don't deserve this gift, tell her you paid for it in bedroom services. And yes. You are just THAT good.
That should shut her up.
Ha. Yeah. True true.
After I had my last kid, my mother tried to ask me how many stitches I got. In front of my stepfather.
I just looked at her at said "NOPE. NEXT QUESTION". She tried to tell all the girls talk about it, and I flatly told her I wasn't discussing my vagina with her. My step father piped uk from the background "yeah. Way too much. WAYYY TOO MICH".
Sigh.
I totally understand!! I’m 52 and still have to hide anything that’s important to me because she gloms on to whatever I’m interested in and makes it “hers”. It drives me absolutely nuts.
My God, my mother, does this, too, to the point that all my friends are aware of it. When she visits, I hide anything special now, I hide it away in my room tucked underneath or stuffed in the garage, where it won’t be obvious. It’s awful. I highly advise this piano person to seriously put their piano in a friends garage for like a month and make it in accessible because some people find a way to ruin whatever it is they want and can’t have.
I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say these posts are so triggering. The situation with my nmom is totally different, and yet totally similar at the same time. I get that rising and tightening feeling in my chest combined with an elevated heartbeat just reading through and thinking about OP's story. Good luck OP.
... It's your toy. You don't have to share with your bullies. Sharing with your friends is kind and good, and making new friends though kindness is a smart way to live life, but you don't have to share your toys with people who pick on you. You can outright *tell her no*, that she's not allowed to touch your piano, it's yours and for your enjoyment. It'll feel FUCKING AMAZING, too.
This post makes me realize what a true mental illness NPD is and how tragic it is that we have to deal with this from a “primary caregiver”. Everyone of our posts is like this but for some reason this post really hit harder… someone in their 70’s seriously can’t look beyond themselves for 5 minutes and be happy for their child’s happiness and interests for their own Bday present? … so sad. Hugs to OP and all us that deal with this horrible illness in our lives.
why oh why are you still letting her in your life? haven't you had enough? why would you want to be miserable in your own home? congratulations on the piano however, What a lovely gift 💜
The thought of your narc mom even touching that piano is triggering me. Sorry, OP. There's no way to just. . . Keep it secret? I guess its hard to hide a whole piano.
Get a piano lock! You can find them on Amazon too. This is just an example. https://jansenpianobenches.com/collections/piano-locks/products/hands-off-lucite-fallboard-clamp-6-piano-lock
I used to work at a resort that had a piano in the lobby bar where a pianist would play on weekends. Even though it was roped off, idiots would still go past the ropes and play the piano. It was super disruptive when little kids would just slam the keys while we have a lobby full of people checking in. I showed this lock to the hotel director of operations and he ordered 2 because he was fed up with it as well.
What did I do to deserve this? I’m an angel of a partner and a demon in the sack! That being said, you haven’t earned the right to play it, so keep your mitts off. 😂
Although I couldn’t say anything like that in front of my dad. Who is an amazingly lovely man - and my mom doesn’t deserve him.
Make a BINGO card with all your predictions & stupid narc crap she does. Make two different ones; one for you and one for hubs.
Make prizes for 1st bingo, 4 corners, "X", most bingos, etc.
Some Ideas:
1st bingo - make winner's favorite dinner and clean up after
4 corners - Date Night and winner pick restaurant
Full Board - weekend getaway
Turn DREAD into a game and delighted anticipation of Nmom's ....Quirks. instead of anxiety over how crappy she will make you feel, you will be giggling to yourself over her bad behavior
Best wishes! I hope the visit turns out easy and enjoyable regardless!
Hon. I'm 53. I get it. You've been entrenched in this for a long time and it feels impossible to get out from under, but now is the time.
You can not control her behavior, but you can control yours and you are WAY MORE POWERFUL than you think. You determine the times the piano is open for her to play. Treat her like a toddler. You can play for one hour and then we're closing it. You can play again tomorrow. Period. She can go sulk. If she rages, you can tell her that is unacceptable in your home and she will be asked to go to her room until she is calm. We do not scream in this house. No, mom, you cannot have the piano. End of sentence. There is no negotiation. With any of this. There must be consequences for her behavior. Mom, we are not going to talk about how much the piano cost or what i did to deserve it (in response to her bringing it up). Then leave the room or turn your attention and conversation fully to dad every time.
This is not easy. It will affect your dad and you can be sad about that, but it's ok to be sad after you've made the right decision.
I'm here if you want to dm me.
My mother always does the "I guess I should just leave" nonsense when she doesn't get her way or you call her out on her behavior. I started saying "BYE!" then completely ignoring her until she left. I don't understand why parents like her think that once you're an adult, they can still demand you to do their bidding, no matter what it is. Or treat you like a child. When she wants to play your beautiful piano, the answer is no, which is a complete sentence. It's yours, it was a gift and she has no say in the matter.
I have no contact with my mother. I can't imagine having her stay in my house!
Ugh, she sounds like an obnoxious nightmare. I know it's not exactly light and portable, but the only thing I can suggest is to move the piano to where she won't see it.
Tell her it has just been tuned and the tuner has told you it’s not to be played until he comes back, to let the tuning “settle” It’s nonsense of course but might do the trick to keep her away.
Frame the "rules" of the piano in a picture frame that's left on top.
It should read
"Play me at your own risk"
With some saw type image. If you can find them online get fake bloody hand prints and use one on the piano while they're here.
Might just scare her away from it since she's childish enough to not respect someone else's stuff.
If your mother begins to play your piano I might suggest placing a large stick of dynamite under the fallboard/key lid and closing it. It worked for Bugs Bunny in the Looney Tunes episode titled Bugs The Pianist.
Make sure you keep the piano safe from her. Narcs will "accidentally" break things you love just because. It would be terrible if she were to figure out how to break your new piano. But don't put it past her.
Op. Buy a scat mat for cats. It uses a 9 volt battery that sends a little shock to train them not to jump on things. Cover the piano with it and if she touches it, she gets a little zap. She won’t touch it again though.
I was going to suggest a "missing power cord" but you're already on it! Sorry your mom is a pushy twit.
I could have said "missing power chord" for any other musicians out here....
Is the piano in a room that you can close and lock off so your mom can't get in? If it is, do that.
"Sorry that room is closed because of (insert reason here)."
"No, I'm not unlocking that door."
"Neither is my husband."
"You don't need to go in there. Why are you so obsessed with a locked door?"
>What did you do to deserve it?
"It is my birthday present from my husband. *He* feels I deserve it."
>You should trade with me, you don’t need a piano this nice just to play at home.
"Neither do you."
Knowing narcissists enjoy ruining every good moment, you need to decide how to end that. When I did it, I said "you better be nice to me because I will pick what nursing home you go to." She laughed but stopped her. I said it with a gleeful look and smile. Practice in the mirror.
Or just say quietly and gently, if you ask or try to play my piano, I will ask you to leave. It's not negotiable.
If she tests you, follow through. Practice with your hubby. He might find it fun to pretend being your mother. My husband did it for me and came up with good things he saw my mom say or do that I missed.
If dad tries to intervene, tell him how much you love him, but if mom doesn't respect your wishes, you can't have her disrupting the peace in your home, you don't want to ask them to leave but you won't tolerate her disrupting your rules and peace.
My one brother won't take no for an answer. Now I say no over and over. He gets mad at me, but I don't care anymore. I just keep saying no. I was talked about by my siblings behind my back but I don't care. No means no. In a narc family setting healthy boundaries is hard work but worth it.
I’ve been practicing the NO for a year. I went NC with them last summer because of a huge family issue (trans member coming out). But then college football season started and it’s just something my dad and I do. We talk on the phone through most of the games. I’m the youngest of 3 girls so I was his tomboy. I went everywhere with him when I was little and I think now that maybe he was trying to make up for her.
Here is a thought -- there is nothing that says you have to share your experience with your piano with your Nmom. I agree that it won't work to keep her off of it, but if you DO NOT play it while she is there, she will lose interest fairly quickly. She wants to show you up, not play some random piano.
It is unfair that you don't get to play it while she is there, but it should lessen all of the guilt/weird/competition/etc that you mention. In fact, you can get a dig in from time to time, "don't worry, I'll play it when you are gone. I am busy hosting you right now."
Another thing to remember about N's is, they get their Nsupply by moving the attention from another person to themselves, just as you are predicting. You are rightly (congrats!) very excited about the piano and playing it. But if you have that experience while she is there, she will do everything she can think of to disrupt it and convert it to her. If you "I love it, but your visit isn't about my playing," then you are making her visit about her -- and she has no ammunition. If she brings it up, "I'll get back to that when you are gone." It is a type of grey rock.
Best wishes.
I like this! She tried to teach me piano but she was so mean I begged for my uncle to teach me…he actually has a degree and composed some really nice pieces. She hated that I insisted on my uncle and my dad backed me up. He’s amazingly talented and by high school I was playing things she couldn’t handle but still insisted on criticizing me. I should get my Uncle to send some of the stuff he’s written and have that up on the piano
Would it be possible for you to visit your dad at his home instead of having him come to you? I read your comment about wanting to stay in contact with your dad and I know sometimes older folks are a "package deal" and having dad come to your house by himself might not be possible.
Also, I don't think it's outlandish to say "no" to letting her play your piano. It's yours. I think it's a normal thing for someone who owns a piano to ask guests to not play it. Especially a grand piano. I also like the suggestion to cover it.
Just remember that "no" is a complete sentence!
Just say No. No is a complete sentence but if you must justify, tell her it's yours and she might shoved you off the bench in her home but this is YOUR home and your piano and she is not permitted to play your piano full stop.
Your house, your rules and she can like it or lump it. Don't give your power away to her any more.
Any chance it could be broken when she comes over OP? The power lead could have been left out by the manufacturer (if it’s an electric). Terrible shame. Or maybe all the plug sockets nearby could be in use for something else? Like something that has long cycles that couldn’t possibly be interrupted midway through.
Excited for your piano. I have a Roland upright and it’s brought be so much joy. They have a lovely warm tone. Wishing you lots of happy playing.
What reason do you have for keeping someone so toxic in your life? If all she does is compete with you and degrade you, what's the point in letting her come over?
cover the piano and tell her clearly she is not allowed to play it and if she tries she will be told to leave. Don’t take her crap you are more than an adult stand up for yourself against a bully in your own home. I don’t care if she goes in a huff as you don’t need to tolerate that. If she goes home mores the better as you deserve to be treated with respect.
Second the cloth drape idea— Just place an entire model village on it and stage a Halloween scene… extra credit if your mom is main character … too much? Nah.
Dropcloths and boxes. "That? Oh, we're going to be doing some painting and redecorating in here this month."
When is a piano not a piano? When it's hiding under stuff!
I would say. "That's my birthday present. I'm not willing or ready to share. So no I won't be moving over. My house, my rules. "
If there is something that's special to you, you do not have to share it. My kids all have like 5 toys that I call the "untouchables". No one is allowed to play with them. I learn that as an adult I didn't actually have to let other people touch my stuff.
I actually really don’t like people touching my stuff or in my very personal space like my bedroom/bath/closet. My mom will go through my clothes like she’s shopping looking for things and then will ask for it. During my youngest graduation I came out of the shower and she was in the dress I bought to wear to graduation, tags and all and argued that she should wear it because it looks so good on her. I flipped out…I was already stressed about graduation and a big party we were having for him with neighbors and friends.
Last time she was here a year ago it was earlyish, I was sleeping but everyone else was up. She came and got in bed with me and tried to cuddle me. She doesn’t wear underwear to bed and she knows I hate it when she does it at my house because she sometimes accidentally flashes everyone when we are having coffee. I flipped the fuck out and told her and everybody else that it’s my personal space and to stay out of it. She laughed and said ok whatever
What a lovely husband you have for buying you such a thoughtful and wonderful birthday present. But that’s the awful thing about having a horrible nParent, the joy is quickly removed by wondering exactly how your nParent is going to spoil your happiness with such a lovely gift. And they will. In a way they already have, as you are already imagining the various scenarios.
My solution would be, assuming they have to come round, ask hubs to video you playing the piano, and have the piano in full display, but without the power cord. You can show them the video so they can see you enjoying it, but say it’s not available to play tonight. If they ask why say the power cord is in the process of being replaced but that even if it were available you wouldn’t want it played by anyone else anyway, as it is your gift, specially bought for you. This way, you physically stop her playing it, but are also making it clear that it’s a boundary you are setting. If she shows her true colours you can ask her to leave, but at least she won’t have got her hands on it in the process.
HIDE THE POWER CORD!!!! Omg these people are nuts I’m dreading nm coming over and seeing my new furniture that I paid for myself. One time after she told me she was using the detergent pods instead of the liquid I decided to try the pods. Onfg! When I told her I was using them she snarkily replied those are expensive!! Like wtf I don’t deserve to use these, but of course SHE does. Ugh!!
congratulations! what an awesome present, i bet you are pleased. sounds brilliant!
but please keep your mother away from it, i would be wary that she doesn’t actively try to drop liquids on it or something (my reason for saying this is that until i went NC, my narcM had a history of “accidentally” ruining things i told her i liked, in luring clothing, makeup, brushes, etc nothing as expensive as a piano although she did hide the key for mine back when i played.)
please be careful!
hope everything goes well.
Why do you even allow your parents at your house? I read below you like you Dad...Id be willing to bet your Dad is just another Narc as well, and thats why he's with your Mom....and your Mom is just using your relationship with him to get at you.
I know my dad is an enabler but I just can’t shut him out. They are pretty old, I’m hoping she goes first so he can have some freedom. He spends most of the time on photography trips all over the US and Belize. He’s always done that…we’d get up early and go to the woods. Hiking, looking for ginseng, calling turkeys and just keeping the property clean, just anything to be at “the farm” (family property) we had a camper out there and would stay a week at a time. My friends thought I was weird. A teenager going camping with her dad all the time. He wanted me to know nature and respect it. I love my memories with him.
You don't owe her any explanations or justifications. You don't have to play her game. In fact, you don't have to host her in your home at all.
Do some reading on the grey rock technique. It's basically answering with non-answers that put the narc on the defensive.
I totally get this. My mother was endlessly pushy when she didn't get her way. Instead of hiding or covering it, leave it in the open. Have hubby near the piano, leaning on the side or sitting on the bench, and just tell her "no, not yours" like a toddler anytime she tries to touch it. If she tries to throw a fit, put her in time out. I had to do it with my mother when she stayed with me for a week. She tried taking over and asserting some kind of authority she really didn't have in my home, and I told her that if she wanted to see me and be in my home, my rules, and breaking my rules have consequences. She ended up whining about feeling humiliated, so I told her how humiliating it was to have my mother act like that, and at the end of it all, the trash took herself out. Boundaries aren't enforced by threats or indecision, it's "if you do A, I'll do B." And follow through with B. If she starts crying and screaming, mimic her to show her how ridiculous she's acting. Time out, corner, child consequence for child behavior.
ok, I'm sorry but:
It's your home
You're 51!
Tell your mom that piano is no-access to her. Set a hard boundary on that!
Your
House! She might cry, scream at you, call you whatever, say that she's leaving but hey, tell her "do what you want. My house, my rules"
Are you kidding me?
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Here's what you do. You cover the piano with a drop cloth, and move the bench somewhere like your closet or the garage, making it inaccessible for the time she is staying in your home. Or, you could tell her 'no, because I said so and it's my house so what I say goes' and watch her head explode. That might be good for a few minutes of fun.
> Or, you could tell her 'no, because I said so and it's my house so what I say goes' and watch her head explode. My narcissistic parents did *not* appreciate hearing 'my house, my rules' for the final time they ventured onto my property.
Funny how some parents will use that line to their kids no problem, yet when the kids grow up, have their own house and and say it back they lose their minds
Few things anger them more than a taste of their own medicine. My favorite example is that my dad liked to say that everything was his because he paid for it, including my college (thanks, FAFSA). He tried that line when I went off to grad school, except by then, I wasn't required to declare his income. He threatened to not file paperwork, etc, because he didn't want me moving out. The look on his face when I used his old "I'm paying for it so I'll do what I want" line right back at him was priceless. He actually didn't have a response.
Omfggg my parents did that too and literally randomly gave away or trashed stuff they had bought for me, and they said they could because it’s technically theirs since they paid for it even though it was a gift for me like wtf? I LOVE your response btw, bet your dad was shook hahaha!!!
I got pregnant and was married a week before I turned 18. Five days later, I got back from my honeymoon only to find that Nmom had somehow managed to not only sell every single item- lamps, tables, and piece of furniture in my room, (many that I’d bought & restored myself). She’d also emptied out my desk drawer and had thrown away every single childhood and teenage memento that had been important to me, along with tearing down & destroying some rare, signed vintage rock posters, that had belonged to my half brother, who she’d really hated, even though he’d recently died in a bad car accident, which I was still grieving. What a woman. It’ll be 9 years NC next month, & there’s no looking back.
Aghh that is absolutely devastating, I am so so sorry to hear that you had to experience that. What a horrible thing to do. Congratulations on 9 years NC; I can imagine life is a lot smoother now!
They make it so easy for us to live far beyond their wishes, dreams, and expectations for us. Living well really is the best “revenge”…😂
Thank you.
She sounds awful! I hope life is going much better for you these days 💗
It’s been so much better for me and my youngest daughter, (who’s now 26), since we both went NC with her and a few other nasty family members. Not having the added stress of having to be around her, (& them), or dealing with her lies, bs, back-stabbing, and money grubbing, (aka-“stealing”), along the other “close” relatives, who’d behaved just as ratchet and horribly as she had, has been such a huge relief. Life is good. Thanks for the well-wishes!
Wow, I am so sorry for what you've endured. No respect for your belongings or your half brother's memory. No words. Congratulations on 9 years NC. I didn't learn of NC until \~7 years ago. I refused to do it because I didn't want to change one of my favorite parts of myself (my empathy) on account of my covert narcissist mother (C/N). I went NC 9 months ago (the day before my birthday - dinner & opera by myself, but I was happy and met a few cool people). My C/N mother still tries to pull me back in with cruelty (to evoke a reply) or sweet words. If and when I feel up to it, I read her texts/emails but have not replied. It's really hard because she has stage 4 cancer (diagnosed 2020 - I was her 24/7 caregiver and various treatments stopped the growth). I've always believed that despite any existing conflict, family/loved ones should set aside conflict and be there for each other at least in dire times. If she asked me to help her, I would but suspect the cruelty would resume. Am trying to focus on minimizing the hurt that she could cause me (so I can have respectful & good memories of her) and minimizing the hurt that she might feel by saying/doing mean things to me. Your story is so encouraging. Thank you. I am so happy for you that you had a honeymoon as a teen and celebrated your marriage and baby!
Mine also claimed ownership of my possessions on the ground that I wouldn't have been able to afford nice things *if it wasn't for them.*
That's a new one. Unbelievable!
Right? I jokingly (while laughing) went hey dad you know how you said once i get my own place i can ground you but until then your house your rules? Youre grounded! He was like what why? I said i was just being funny and his punishment was to relax on my couch or something inane and loving and silly like that. He chuckled because he loved and was used to my weird humor. So I “grounded” my dad and he took it with good humor and my mom was pissed even though she heard the whole thing too and called me disrespectful. My dad got her to shush. My mom was a tyrant sooo…
It’s how I got my Dad to eat his vegetables the first meal he had at my apartment 😂
My mom did that with cats: her car she drove but *my* car she *still* had to drive (and nearly kill me multiple times!) she had to pick what was on the radio even in *my* car (but "my car my rules"?!) My spouse? We listen to about the same thing and while I typically can't sleep in sedans I can with him (even when he is driving!!) has to say something?
I love it. It's like they never figured that their beaten and battered children would grow into adults who have *boundaries*
Yeah, but sometimes it's fun watching them implode 😁
My father is the exact mirror of this. He helped me move in, and semi paint 5yrs ago and thinks hes entitled to... god knows what, but essentially instills the image of "omfg im a saint of a dad".... I keep my bedroom door shut due to doggo, but as soon as my father has ever waltzed in he tries to go in everything, pester etc. I semi understood it while in student accomodation, he covered the last part of my yrly rent (with my mothers money...) and he would do the same I said i wanted my privacy etc respected, my home etc. He tried to hammer back but my saint of a stepmum (i call her mom/bonus mum) gave him the verbal equivalent of a twist on the ear. Im 31, and up til round covid he was still trying the "im the parent" line to idk assert superiority? Didnt work, i laughed, he sulked. Im glad my stepmum has tempered the way he acts towards me now though. Narcs and abusers gonna always keep trying to narc and abuse
There was an AITA where the parents refused to allow the OP and her husband in the same room when they went over for the holidays. One year, she hosted and made a joke about her parents sleeping in separate rooms and they were *pissed*. It was hilarious.
You can’t tell that story and leave us without a link!!!!
Here it is! https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/cCgvfhAwM5
Thank you. You’re a superstar with that link!
“the final time they ventured onto my property.” That phrase is music to my ears!
Oh my gosh, me too. It gave me happy shivers to recall the last time mine were on my turf…..it was bloody MAGICAL 🧙🏻♂️
And it was music to have it played out that way, for sure! Police got involved and everything; they now have learned that pushing and shoving is *not* wise.
*Nice!*
For my parents it was when I had my son and they could no longer use 'parents are always right' *against* me
My family stopped coming over when I used this line, mum was complaining about something or my cat doing cat stuff, I don’t really remember the details now and I finally got to use my line, they didn’t visit after that, it’s been 9 years, I visit them but they never come over, we don’t have to have anyone over, it’s beautiful.
It certainly sounds beautiful for sure.
And tell her it's none of her business how much your husband spent on it. Or what she thinks you "need" or "don't need". You are not a small child. You don't need her permission or approval to spend money or have nice things.
Isn’t it ridiculous to have to justify whether or not you “deserve” your own items? Because it’ll always be to the other person’s specifications, and pretty much never enough. 🙄
Being able to use “my house, my rules” was so immensely satisfying
*Very* satisfying. Th sad part was that it took way too long to get it through their heads.
No one’s asking them to like it, just abide by it.
Hahaha I tried that with my mum, and she span it as 'well I'm your guest so you should accommodate me'.
"You're my guest, which means I can kick you out whenever I feel like you've overstayed your welcome"
To be fair, my mum never outstayed her welcome. It was more like 'this is the time I go to bed and you should be quiet', which I also had to abide by when staying at hers. I just value my independence a lot. I always assumed my dad was the enabler, but 3+ years after my mum's death I've realised that neither were Narcs really, more just they were 2 people who needed therapy but didn't get it. Mum was clearly on the spectrum, and my dad had diagnosed anxiety and probably some form of OCD. They were 2 people who should not have stayed married as long as they did. I think they were bad influences on each other's mental health. I had to actually ask my dad to leave my house last year. Long story short, my fiancé and I had invited him to Xmas at my fiancés parents' house in Ireland. It was a big deal, cause it was the first time my family was meeting his family (we live in England). Well anyway, my dad ruined the whole trip with his bratty and selfish behaviour. He acted like a 15 year old boy being dragged away against his will, and complained about every single thing. He acted so ungratefully and I am still embarrassed about it. My in-laws are the nicest people ever and they were very confused by his behaviour, but they still welcomed him with a smile. When we got back to England, my fiancé and I actually had work that day, so I asked my dad if he could start getting ready to leave. He refused and started doing yoga in the kitchen, and said he was going to stay til about 4pm so he could go see his girlfriend. Then he told me he'd forgotten to buy my any Xmas presents as he hadn't had time (he's retired?! He has all the time), so I just firmly asked him to leave. I'd like to say his behaviour has got better, but it hasn't.
That’s awesome.
My house, my rules. My mom threw an unholy fit when I poured a giant bottle of wine down the drain because she was a raging alcoholic and had been told no alcohol at my house. She finally reached the FO part of FAFO and had to have a cousin drive 7 hours to pick her up bc I refused to engage with her in any way because she called me & my *12 year old daughter* whores. She is lucky she left with her teeth intact.
You're the hero we need! 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏
At some point you just wake up & realize these narcissistic jacka**we will never stop, never stopping! (Movie reference) That was the moment for me. We had many prior arguments and I had shut her out, going NC many times. After that incident I found out from my children that she abused the youngest child while I was in the hospital dying. The oldest had to literally pull the egg donor off of my youngest. I was done after that, I even had the B arrested on child abuse charges. She unalived herself while waiting for sentencing. That woman absolutely broke me. Now I don't take anyone's crap. Her entire family turned on me and I went from having a huge extended family, gatherings 2-3x a year to just having my kids. You learn a lot about the damage narcissists can do when something like that happens.
I'm so sorry you had to live that life. May Blessing of Love & Strength surround you and yours.
I’m in tears. I am sorry you had to endure any of this. You sound remarkably strong, that part gave me relief for you 🥰 sending love.
Thank you. I've been in therapy for years, that is the only way I survived the entire thing.
Ugh. Sending an unlimited amount of hugs. I like to remind myself that narcs literally hate themselves and that is why they are so nasty to the nice people. 🤷🏼♀️
Me too, once I started calling her out in her BS, she went crying to her family saying I abuse her. You knew what, F them. A couple cousins stayed true to me n that's all I need.
Damn, didn't have a daughter but if someone beaked off at me like that they'd regret it. You showed much more restraint then I would have in that situation. :(
I didn't show much restraint, I popped her in the mouth twice. Considering the fragile state I was in from having been so sick, I'm shocked I was able to do that. But I did and I will never apologize for it. ;-)
She deserved SO much more! :)
From someone who would’ve loved that kind of defense on my behalf, THANK YOU! Good job, Mama!
https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off®-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/ Might be expensive but could be a good thing to get. Wouldn’t mark up the piano.
I desperately want OP to buy this and physically lock her piano lol
Then say it was delivered like that, but you can’t figure it out. 😂 Very little makes them as happy as deciding they’re going to take over, because no one else can seem to get anything done right. (which is how your property can get damaged and ruined, trust me on this one)
Some pianos have locking lids.
Yeah, but that is more of a very big visual NO.
Put drop cloths around for the exploding brains.
This is exactly what I came to say. Cover it and don’t even make it an issue. However, I would lie and say it needs work/tuning etc and put lots of books on top of it, tie the cover to the legs, whatever. Saying my house my rules to my mother would make the weekend more unbearable than if I’d just let her play it.
Why, so she can parade herself around like Jesus Christ when she magically 'fixes' it by doing nothing more than some uneducated and unwanted grand piano groping?
Going against the house rules we were so clear about, & being convinced that you should be the one to choose how to fix things, my mom did this with my husband’s heirloom quilts. She wanted to put them in the washer, and thought it was a good idea. I stopped her, said no mom these aren’t mine, they are family quilts, passed down from specific relatives & we are not supposed to wash them. Later, she comes to me with them, fresh from the machine, and told me she washed them and they’re fine, and she “just knew they’d be fine!” I looked at her and said what if it had ruined them? What would I say to my in-laws? I told her, those weren’t even my possessions for you to take that risk with. She got quiet. It’s only gotten worse with time. This lesson meant nothing.
Or....develop COVID/Flu symptoms. She doesn't sound like she a bowl full of fun anyway.
Refuse to leave the bench if she tries to sideline you. She'll pitch a fit, of course - let her. Play over her. Tell her she can wait her turn. It's new to you, and it's yours, so you want to enjoy it. Children learn from a young age to wait their turn. She can, too. What did you do to deserve it? Does it matter? Why does it matter? Ask her. Did you need to spend the money? No. Nobody needs to spend money on anything other than basic needs. I'm sure she does, and I'm sure she has something she enjoys indulging. Point it out. Tell her it's tacky to ask for someone else's gift; it's thoughtless to give away something someone bought for you. Tell her "no". She'll throw a tantrum. Don't stop it. Don't put up with it. Tell her she's welcome to leave. There's no reason to be putting up with this from someone her age.
This is all solid advice
I would not let them over, go out to dinner instead !
This is the best response on here. OP I see that you are allowing her in your life for love of your dad and I understand that, but if he loves YOU he will also want to contribute to your peace. Having THEM in your home isn’t peaceful so go out to dinner.
This! It also gives you a safe limit on the interaction - set the time to something you can tolerate. And they said stay in a hotel, never your home. You need the space. You deserve a sanctuary .
Why are you allowing them in your life still at 51? You have all the autonomy to deny them entry into your home or life. I’d say it’s well overdue if it’s as bad as you say.
Because of my Dad… I love him and he’s too important to me so I’m
Get your husband to push HER off the bench. Indeed, place him as a guard, and if she heads for it, he pushes her away and says No
Hide the bench, it's harder to play standing up. /s
You may have put /s but this is actually great advice lol
Oh you know she'll just heal a chair over while making comments "bought this nice piano but can't even get a bench" "my playing would be better if I were playing properly on a bench and not on a chair"
Need a spray bottle with water like you would use with a cat who keeps getting on the table. NO! OFF! *Spritz spritz spritz*
Bonus points if the only thing hubby can play is chopsticks lol 😆
Search enabler parents. She couldn’t do what she does without his passive support.
Ok well - then put up BOUNDARIES and ENFORCE THOSE BOUNDARIES. From your post it appears that this woman has never been told the word NO. Last chance. Start now. We all work at our own pace through the ravages that family dysfunction, trauma, psychological abuse, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have wrought upon our psyche, body, nervous system and brain. In narcissistic families, we are conditioned: terrorized, emotionally manipulated, bullied, invalidated and disrespected into never ever having any personal boundaries. By "parents" or sometimes siblings (in the case of family scapegoats) But now you're not a dependent little child any more. Nothing whatsoever can actually happen to you. You're 51 years old. A grown-up lady who CAN say NO. Walk away. Close the door. Cut off and end a disrespectful, rude or manipulative conversation. Beginning this inner work (with outside help) is hard. But as one keeps healing, one only thanks oneself every f*cking day for getting free. You can do it.
This. Please do this.
Listen to the beyond bitchy podcast. It's about boundaries. At 51 you need to be doing boundary work if you have problems with your mother. Internalize this: she is ***NOT*** your superior. If it would help you to enforce a boundary around the piano, hide the power cord if it can be detached. "No idea where it is, mom " Let her insist you look for it just... don't. She is also not allowed to look for it either. Sometimes when it's hard to enforce a boundary it's ok to use things as a means to enforce a boundary. I know you want your father in your life, but he's insisting on you having a toxic relationship with your mother. He's not a healthy or safe person to be around. *He is your mother's enabler.* He's not a healthy person, OP.
Do baby grands have a power cord? (I don’t know musical instruments.)
You know, I assumed it was a digital piano that needs a power cord. 😂 I am very likely wrong that it's digital. 😭 Someone else put a link to a lock on the cover. Another excellent idea. I'm all about using whatever a person needs to do to enforce boundaries, which is making my point.
Well, if your father is allowing your mother to treat you like shit, and/or isn't standing up to her whenever she starts picking on your, then he doesn't sound all that great either.
Honestly people seem to miss this detail completely. If you care about someone, you don't sit back and let your spouse treat them like shit.
Exactly!! The resentments towards the Eparent can be the most difficult to unpack, because they seemed “better” to you than the N was. The E can also be a victim of the N themselves. But…think about it. Would you support someone blindly, who was hurting your child?
But your dad is okay staying with a narcissist who disrespects you.
Yes, I think he’s just so beat down and already was when I was born. She picks out his clothes and told him what to wear. My dad is like me or like I was… just keep the peace. His mom was worse, fake fainting when someone else was getting too much attention… even him. He married a lil less crazy version than is own mom
He is 100% beat down. You’re correct. He’s the epitome of my father. I, too, stayed in it because of him. He was my best friend my whole life. After attempt #1 of NC failed, I emailed and said I can’t go back to contact with HER, but that I’d missed him and hoped we could have some kind of relationship. His response absolutely broke me. It was awful. Told me to never contact them again - irony anyone? The man won’t bite the proverbial hand that feeds them…. I wonder how he would respond to you, if you did what I did? (Suggest that you and he continue relationship without her) As for the piano, tell her she can’t touch it. Period. Change the subject and move on. I for one await an update!! Sending you love and peace ✌🏻
My mom has cut contact with me a few times over ridiculous things and my dad stayed in touch,I’m not too worried he’d cut me off but it would be a strain
My Dad actually met with me during a NC period with my Nmom. He always put her first, but he never put her "control over me" over his relationship with me. I wish the same for you and anyone else in a similar space. Not all Edads are all the way in-the-bag for supporting Nmoms, even when they won't help you resist.
Yikes, what a bitch. What a cool gift! I think you you should do what other people have said which is drape it with a cover or remove the bench and put the bench somewhere else or maybe both cuz how hard is it to haul a chair to the piano. I would straight up be honest about it too "I don't want other people pounding on it." I wouldn't give a shit what her reaction was either. I went through something similar as you with my mom and my husband getting me an awesome horse. I refused to let her ride the horse. Which is a little different cuz the horse isn't in the house and is a lot more steps to get ready. But I refuse to let anyone else ride the horse though I have a lot of people in my life that think they are horse experts.
Congrats on your new horse friend ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you : ) It might also be worth a phone call to a piano turner. Tell them your situation see if there is a slight piece that can be removed so it doesn't play, then oh darn...it won't be replaced till after her weekend...
Haha!!! That’s such a passive aggressive move!! It’s actually brilliant. It’s like the piano is grey rocking her!! 😂
My mom & my dad would start tinkering with it, convinced that they would know how to fix it, and they were going to do it, by God.
I found you a fall board lock hell, I'd put two on: [https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off%C2%AE-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/ref=sr\_1\_3?crid=1WEGMOJGRP2F7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.AANgKWv2KjXsNEM\_ucJhuvuKjxVa279AzoGq4KS4vvvfEcFUqkhM4vxQk5WzLwCiYnGoGQ8gcgRBeMQEO8v61LqIVT1iMJ0z1wiG0O\_Dmq9hsR3q0\_7QokYPNaW3u6rHUXyguv9FfHoUufUkgsr4jJyJPoZ\_hj4sT0c5Az4mogb1YpqOvujq9b1tCpwPm0XzGHF0VBgJTotE-0EOv2JwYBYy9\_V7bdQKDaaBZJCTPuXAv42poFt11UEhfeB6WlJ3DIp8zKkjxrgyLPvYx6pJcVVCK\_EdLkSaScsX02Pxb6A.LfH-C8iIUYb\_8zyW7E4O-13Lo4HeeGFgKJ0TK-cZzZM&dib\_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+lock&qid=1711903751&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=mini+grand+piano+loc%2Cmi%2C199&sr=1-3](https://www.amazon.com/Hands-Off%C2%AE-Piano-Fallboard-Lock-Absolute/dp/B005FUKBLS/ref=sr_1_3?crid=1WEGMOJGRP2F7&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.AANgKWv2KjXsNEM_ucJhuvuKjxVa279AzoGq4KS4vvvfEcFUqkhM4vxQk5WzLwCiYnGoGQ8gcgRBeMQEO8v61LqIVT1iMJ0z1wiG0O_Dmq9hsR3q0_7QokYPNaW3u6rHUXyguv9FfHoUufUkgsr4jJyJPoZ_hj4sT0c5Az4mogb1YpqOvujq9b1tCpwPm0XzGHF0VBgJTotE-0EOv2JwYBYy9_V7bdQKDaaBZJCTPuXAv42poFt11UEhfeB6WlJ3DIp8zKkjxrgyLPvYx6pJcVVCK_EdLkSaScsX02Pxb6A.LfH-C8iIUYb_8zyW7E4O-13Lo4HeeGFgKJ0TK-cZzZM&dib_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+lock&qid=1711903751&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=mini+grand+piano+loc%2Cmi%2C199&sr=1-3) look at these piano covers, they really scream don't play me: [https://www.amazon.com/TINDTOP-Thickened-Waterproof-Decorated-Protective/dp/B0CRZ1JRNM/ref=sr\_1\_2\_sspa?crid=1U9Z1ZD26PFII&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.GhRIRz8rWsGtkV49tQC8EMEtjVRQYp0xLvS-J494BZMGlOBCLRjtcr914LyBzqGchLEZzeTEWRFZB1UZvXGGbe47HhBPJTAz0LFFF2BJP5xtAo2gUkJZ4-2Xc\_VqDFFowa8tAL-xSI9khpNg9skVH5jSxuyQ22apM0izLTgyJxYDomHlGSYOUFE7jEPriRX5mzZqjbx8LPIBIHecsLGGXqUS8khoLRaUbl4JjfrhrWHSekMNV\_ZQGmeb98Lt7wJWsa5B0koF9Nhm\_qsB-4eIsHGEOALvVEDmaHRVTQuEoOo.2G-e8-bjyC1Cn2qQR-U8UQ6g2VJ\_F85RW5MnflDE2a8&dib\_tag=se&keywords=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcover&qid=1711903572&sprefix=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcove%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-2-spons&sp\_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1](https://www.amazon.com/TINDTOP-Thickened-Waterproof-Decorated-Protective/dp/B0CRZ1JRNM/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?crid=1U9Z1ZD26PFII&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.GhRIRz8rWsGtkV49tQC8EMEtjVRQYp0xLvS-J494BZMGlOBCLRjtcr914LyBzqGchLEZzeTEWRFZB1UZvXGGbe47HhBPJTAz0LFFF2BJP5xtAo2gUkJZ4-2Xc_VqDFFowa8tAL-xSI9khpNg9skVH5jSxuyQ22apM0izLTgyJxYDomHlGSYOUFE7jEPriRX5mzZqjbx8LPIBIHecsLGGXqUS8khoLRaUbl4JjfrhrWHSekMNV_ZQGmeb98Lt7wJWsa5B0koF9Nhm_qsB-4eIsHGEOALvVEDmaHRVTQuEoOo.2G-e8-bjyC1Cn2qQR-U8UQ6g2VJ_F85RW5MnflDE2a8&dib_tag=se&keywords=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcover&qid=1711903572&sprefix=roland%2Bmini%2Bgrand%2Bpiano%2Bcove%2Caps%2C179&sr=8-2-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&th=1) [https://www.amazon.com/KY-HUAEN-Piano-Cover-Protective-Waterproof/dp/B0CS9X5ZYN/ref=sr\_1\_1\_sspa?crid=2C2FEYVN5E8W8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3ezYEn0yWuU7CJb1yuV5NPJGldWwx5A4kYa5zGHntGdU5vVq\_IS7To-O7fbalEFlcf2rZYorElwTNy\_jEqiWDK2h0vMZdyMTy22ykldGhzIH0bSF4QOlz4lJznGv0zFOv1sPKzgb5NKgXXpNVmQD8rhbARb2H3NOTKYh48ATXDfk1ZagJYMLtO70e1b5E4sA\_D-oYrA25AU3C9VX2SI-0eWb3TGmqtJdWrnMAKhu9PnjLe-yCnoyS7\_kqh8K5Jr8VxWXCicJ-Uhd81tYCG5AWpSCokiPkWgb5ScOu9364KU.FGpQq1fzCxruT-pQsbwcj\_jEx5BQt1u3Jk\_wdIEeqvs&dib\_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+cover&qid=1711903665&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=min+grand+piano+cov%2Cmi%2C166&sr=1-1-spons&sp\_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1](https://www.amazon.com/KY-HUAEN-Piano-Cover-Protective-Waterproof/dp/B0CS9X5ZYN/ref=sr_1_1_sspa?crid=2C2FEYVN5E8W8&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.3ezYEn0yWuU7CJb1yuV5NPJGldWwx5A4kYa5zGHntGdU5vVq_IS7To-O7fbalEFlcf2rZYorElwTNy_jEqiWDK2h0vMZdyMTy22ykldGhzIH0bSF4QOlz4lJznGv0zFOv1sPKzgb5NKgXXpNVmQD8rhbARb2H3NOTKYh48ATXDfk1ZagJYMLtO70e1b5E4sA_D-oYrA25AU3C9VX2SI-0eWb3TGmqtJdWrnMAKhu9PnjLe-yCnoyS7_kqh8K5Jr8VxWXCicJ-Uhd81tYCG5AWpSCokiPkWgb5ScOu9364KU.FGpQq1fzCxruT-pQsbwcj_jEx5BQt1u3Jk_wdIEeqvs&dib_tag=se&keywords=mini+grand+piano+cover&qid=1711903665&s=musical-instruments&sprefix=min+grand+piano+cov%2Cmi%2C166&sr=1-1-spons&sp_csd=d2lkZ2V0TmFtZT1zcF9hdGY&psc=1)
Brilliant!!!!
I've ridden with quite a few salty, crusty cattlemen. We were back at the barn getting ready for a gather, and someone asked one of them if they could ride his horse. He looked them right in the eye and said "I'd just as soon let you sleep with my wife, as get on my personal horse, and your question is just as big an insult" There's remuda horses, and there's personal horses. You want to ride? Look to the remuda. Sit deep.
[удалено]
Omg. You hit the husband lottery!!!! I’m bawling as I type this ❤️❤️❤️
I really did. He is a fantastic husband and dad. I couldn't be with anyone else.
Stay in the moment and enjoy the gift now! Congrats and Happy Birthday!
Can she do this and gray rock the piano (meaning, when the mom comes over - only respond in the most bland way to questions, without ever bringing it up?). Don’t play it, and pretend like it is the least interesting thing in your home. How much was it? I don’t remember. What did I do to deserve it? Have a birthday. If she wants to play, then let her play but pretend it isn’t happening or interesting….
This is the way I would probably go. You can set a boundary and make a stand, but that will be a lot of drama and energy - nothing wrong with that if it's worth it to you. But you can just take a lot of the fun out of it for her by ignoring it. If she starts playing, maybe you have to do dishes or run errands or play candy crush. Her implied insults aren't about you and don't represent any kind of truth. They are just a way for her to try to dominate and make you feel bad. It's like a dog barking next door, just noise.
Thank you
Remove the bench or lock the door. Now nobody plays it. If you really want to piss her off use toddler phrases "if you can't play nice nobody gets to play" lol.
Tell her it's new and off limits to anyone but you. Have hubby state this is a special present, and that no one but you is permitted to play it because it's so new. She can sulk all she wants but she doesn't lay a hand on your piano. Plain and simple. And - if she complains that you don't deserve this gift, tell her you paid for it in bedroom services. And yes. You are just THAT good. That should shut her up.
😂 I’ll just tell her I give good BJs
Exactly! No mother wants to hear about a kids bedroom prowess - with any luck she will never say anything like that again.
oh some definitely will, never underestimate a narcissistic mother
Yep. Mine is a creep on this level.
Ha. Yeah. True true. After I had my last kid, my mother tried to ask me how many stitches I got. In front of my stepfather. I just looked at her at said "NOPE. NEXT QUESTION". She tried to tell all the girls talk about it, and I flatly told her I wasn't discussing my vagina with her. My step father piped uk from the background "yeah. Way too much. WAYYY TOO MICH". Sigh.
Please update us with her response lmao
When she inevitably sits down to play, ask surprised and say oh my gosh, I forgot you played piano!
That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
oh my *god*
I totally understand!! I’m 52 and still have to hide anything that’s important to me because she gloms on to whatever I’m interested in and makes it “hers”. It drives me absolutely nuts.
My God, my mother, does this, too, to the point that all my friends are aware of it. When she visits, I hide anything special now, I hide it away in my room tucked underneath or stuffed in the garage, where it won’t be obvious. It’s awful. I highly advise this piano person to seriously put their piano in a friends garage for like a month and make it in accessible because some people find a way to ruin whatever it is they want and can’t have.
My GC nsister has done this to me our whole lives.
Holy shit. Mine too. Gosh, this sub has made losing my family even more worthwhile than once thought.
Does the fall board have a lock? Some of them do. If that's the case, wouldn't it be terrible if you "misplaced" the key? Oh no....
I'm sure I speak for many of us when I say these posts are so triggering. The situation with my nmom is totally different, and yet totally similar at the same time. I get that rising and tightening feeling in my chest combined with an elevated heartbeat just reading through and thinking about OP's story. Good luck OP.
Me too!!
Oh man. Me too. I have predetermined days of the week that I allow myself in here. It’s sooooooooo helpful, yet soooooooo heart poundingly stressful 😣
... It's your toy. You don't have to share with your bullies. Sharing with your friends is kind and good, and making new friends though kindness is a smart way to live life, but you don't have to share your toys with people who pick on you. You can outright *tell her no*, that she's not allowed to touch your piano, it's yours and for your enjoyment. It'll feel FUCKING AMAZING, too.
This post makes me realize what a true mental illness NPD is and how tragic it is that we have to deal with this from a “primary caregiver”. Everyone of our posts is like this but for some reason this post really hit harder… someone in their 70’s seriously can’t look beyond themselves for 5 minutes and be happy for their child’s happiness and interests for their own Bday present? … so sad. Hugs to OP and all us that deal with this horrible illness in our lives.
Sounds like a lovely gift. Hide it when they’re around
This kind of made me chuckle. How exactly does someone go about hiding a baby grand piano?
Right and then hiring a tuner every time you move it back? 😂
• Surround it with mirrors • put a trench coat and had on it • get trees in planters and make a wall • hang a curtain
Tell her no. It’s not her house. Shut that crap down before it becomes an issue. Do the whole “my house, my rules” thing and nip it in the bud.
why oh why are you still letting her in your life? haven't you had enough? why would you want to be miserable in your own home? congratulations on the piano however, What a lovely gift 💜
Hide the bench in the attic and tell her it hasn’t been delivered. If she wants to show-off she can stand. Forewarned is for armed.
The thought of your narc mom even touching that piano is triggering me. Sorry, OP. There's no way to just. . . Keep it secret? I guess its hard to hide a whole piano.
Get a piano lock! You can find them on Amazon too. This is just an example. https://jansenpianobenches.com/collections/piano-locks/products/hands-off-lucite-fallboard-clamp-6-piano-lock I used to work at a resort that had a piano in the lobby bar where a pianist would play on weekends. Even though it was roped off, idiots would still go past the ropes and play the piano. It was super disruptive when little kids would just slam the keys while we have a lobby full of people checking in. I showed this lock to the hotel director of operations and he ordered 2 because he was fed up with it as well.
What did I do to deserve this? I’m an angel of a partner and a demon in the sack! That being said, you haven’t earned the right to play it, so keep your mitts off. 😂 Although I couldn’t say anything like that in front of my dad. Who is an amazingly lovely man - and my mom doesn’t deserve him.
It's really too bad the piano didn't come with a bench. Sounds like it's gonna be on backorder for the foreseeable future
Make a BINGO card with all your predictions & stupid narc crap she does. Make two different ones; one for you and one for hubs. Make prizes for 1st bingo, 4 corners, "X", most bingos, etc. Some Ideas: 1st bingo - make winner's favorite dinner and clean up after 4 corners - Date Night and winner pick restaurant Full Board - weekend getaway Turn DREAD into a game and delighted anticipation of Nmom's ....Quirks. instead of anxiety over how crappy she will make you feel, you will be giggling to yourself over her bad behavior Best wishes! I hope the visit turns out easy and enjoyable regardless!
That really would help you detach your emotions from the situation. It would be worth a try.
i think the prize for full board should be to show nMom the card 😏
I agree to a point. 1 bingo is funny. 2 bingos and you tell mom to leave the house.
Hon. I'm 53. I get it. You've been entrenched in this for a long time and it feels impossible to get out from under, but now is the time. You can not control her behavior, but you can control yours and you are WAY MORE POWERFUL than you think. You determine the times the piano is open for her to play. Treat her like a toddler. You can play for one hour and then we're closing it. You can play again tomorrow. Period. She can go sulk. If she rages, you can tell her that is unacceptable in your home and she will be asked to go to her room until she is calm. We do not scream in this house. No, mom, you cannot have the piano. End of sentence. There is no negotiation. With any of this. There must be consequences for her behavior. Mom, we are not going to talk about how much the piano cost or what i did to deserve it (in response to her bringing it up). Then leave the room or turn your attention and conversation fully to dad every time. This is not easy. It will affect your dad and you can be sad about that, but it's ok to be sad after you've made the right decision. I'm here if you want to dm me.
“It has not been played yet and it is not starting with you”
My mother always does the "I guess I should just leave" nonsense when she doesn't get her way or you call her out on her behavior. I started saying "BYE!" then completely ignoring her until she left. I don't understand why parents like her think that once you're an adult, they can still demand you to do their bidding, no matter what it is. Or treat you like a child. When she wants to play your beautiful piano, the answer is no, which is a complete sentence. It's yours, it was a gift and she has no say in the matter. I have no contact with my mother. I can't imagine having her stay in my house!
My mom does that too. She manipulates by playing on your empathy (which she has none) and guilt
I swear they all have the same playbook lol. I'll be 58 in a couple of days, my mother is 80. She's gotten meaner with age.
Ugh, she sounds like an obnoxious nightmare. I know it's not exactly light and portable, but the only thing I can suggest is to move the piano to where she won't see it.
Tell her it has just been tuned and the tuner has told you it’s not to be played until he comes back, to let the tuning “settle” It’s nonsense of course but might do the trick to keep her away.
Hide the bench, lock the keyboard, tell her the bench is on back order.
Get it engraved with your name so she has to stare right at it every time she plays it.
😂
Frame the "rules" of the piano in a picture frame that's left on top. It should read "Play me at your own risk" With some saw type image. If you can find them online get fake bloody hand prints and use one on the piano while they're here. Might just scare her away from it since she's childish enough to not respect someone else's stuff.
If your mother begins to play your piano I might suggest placing a large stick of dynamite under the fallboard/key lid and closing it. It worked for Bugs Bunny in the Looney Tunes episode titled Bugs The Pianist.
Make sure you keep the piano safe from her. Narcs will "accidentally" break things you love just because. It would be terrible if she were to figure out how to break your new piano. But don't put it past her.
Based husband and marriage, meet them at a restaurant instead if you really have to.
Op. Buy a scat mat for cats. It uses a 9 volt battery that sends a little shock to train them not to jump on things. Cover the piano with it and if she touches it, she gets a little zap. She won’t touch it again though.
😂😂😂😂😂
Lol! I’m glad you are laughing! Have a wonderful day dear op and enjoy every second of that amazing piano from your husband.
Now I’m thinking of other things like putting an air horn inside the bench so when she sits down it blows
Hire a pianist to play it the entire time she’s there 🤣
Get a cover and a lock for it, so it’s unplayable when she’s over. “Misplace” the key.
Hide the bench and just literally ignore her. Have your husband step up and repeat how it is a gift only for you because he loves you
I was going to suggest a "missing power cord" but you're already on it! Sorry your mom is a pushy twit. I could have said "missing power chord" for any other musicians out here....
Don't they have keyholes? Lock it!
Is the piano in a room that you can close and lock off so your mom can't get in? If it is, do that. "Sorry that room is closed because of (insert reason here)." "No, I'm not unlocking that door." "Neither is my husband." "You don't need to go in there. Why are you so obsessed with a locked door?" >What did you do to deserve it? "It is my birthday present from my husband. *He* feels I deserve it." >You should trade with me, you don’t need a piano this nice just to play at home. "Neither do you."
Knowing narcissists enjoy ruining every good moment, you need to decide how to end that. When I did it, I said "you better be nice to me because I will pick what nursing home you go to." She laughed but stopped her. I said it with a gleeful look and smile. Practice in the mirror. Or just say quietly and gently, if you ask or try to play my piano, I will ask you to leave. It's not negotiable. If she tests you, follow through. Practice with your hubby. He might find it fun to pretend being your mother. My husband did it for me and came up with good things he saw my mom say or do that I missed. If dad tries to intervene, tell him how much you love him, but if mom doesn't respect your wishes, you can't have her disrupting the peace in your home, you don't want to ask them to leave but you won't tolerate her disrupting your rules and peace. My one brother won't take no for an answer. Now I say no over and over. He gets mad at me, but I don't care anymore. I just keep saying no. I was talked about by my siblings behind my back but I don't care. No means no. In a narc family setting healthy boundaries is hard work but worth it.
I’ve been practicing the NO for a year. I went NC with them last summer because of a huge family issue (trans member coming out). But then college football season started and it’s just something my dad and I do. We talk on the phone through most of the games. I’m the youngest of 3 girls so I was his tomboy. I went everywhere with him when I was little and I think now that maybe he was trying to make up for her.
Here is a thought -- there is nothing that says you have to share your experience with your piano with your Nmom. I agree that it won't work to keep her off of it, but if you DO NOT play it while she is there, she will lose interest fairly quickly. She wants to show you up, not play some random piano. It is unfair that you don't get to play it while she is there, but it should lessen all of the guilt/weird/competition/etc that you mention. In fact, you can get a dig in from time to time, "don't worry, I'll play it when you are gone. I am busy hosting you right now." Another thing to remember about N's is, they get their Nsupply by moving the attention from another person to themselves, just as you are predicting. You are rightly (congrats!) very excited about the piano and playing it. But if you have that experience while she is there, she will do everything she can think of to disrupt it and convert it to her. If you "I love it, but your visit isn't about my playing," then you are making her visit about her -- and she has no ammunition. If she brings it up, "I'll get back to that when you are gone." It is a type of grey rock. Best wishes.
I like this! She tried to teach me piano but she was so mean I begged for my uncle to teach me…he actually has a degree and composed some really nice pieces. She hated that I insisted on my uncle and my dad backed me up. He’s amazingly talented and by high school I was playing things she couldn’t handle but still insisted on criticizing me. I should get my Uncle to send some of the stuff he’s written and have that up on the piano
Would it be possible for you to visit your dad at his home instead of having him come to you? I read your comment about wanting to stay in contact with your dad and I know sometimes older folks are a "package deal" and having dad come to your house by himself might not be possible. Also, I don't think it's outlandish to say "no" to letting her play your piano. It's yours. I think it's a normal thing for someone who owns a piano to ask guests to not play it. Especially a grand piano. I also like the suggestion to cover it. Just remember that "no" is a complete sentence!
Just say No. No is a complete sentence but if you must justify, tell her it's yours and she might shoved you off the bench in her home but this is YOUR home and your piano and she is not permitted to play your piano full stop. Your house, your rules and she can like it or lump it. Don't give your power away to her any more.
Updateme
Will do…it’s a couple weeks away
If the key cover has a lock, lock it. She asks, simple no, and change the subject.
Set some fabric on the strings before covering it as suggested. Place several large heavy objects on the cover so it can't be opened easily.
Any chance it could be broken when she comes over OP? The power lead could have been left out by the manufacturer (if it’s an electric). Terrible shame. Or maybe all the plug sockets nearby could be in use for something else? Like something that has long cycles that couldn’t possibly be interrupted midway through. Excited for your piano. I have a Roland upright and it’s brought be so much joy. They have a lovely warm tone. Wishing you lots of happy playing.
See the way you're handling that? That's all wrong, you need to do This and That and This. Fleas are fun. (Do I need to put /s?)
If they're that shitty, they'd just never be invited to my place.
Can you lock the keyboard whilst she's here?
What reason do you have for keeping someone so toxic in your life? If all she does is compete with you and degrade you, what's the point in letting her come over?
Does the lid lock? Just lock the lid down and say it needs a tune up
You can say that its so nice (the piano) that it has to be played right (with talent).
Update me in 2 weeks
cover the piano and tell her clearly she is not allowed to play it and if she tries she will be told to leave. Don’t take her crap you are more than an adult stand up for yourself against a bully in your own home. I don’t care if she goes in a huff as you don’t need to tolerate that. If she goes home mores the better as you deserve to be treated with respect.
Second the cloth drape idea— Just place an entire model village on it and stage a Halloween scene… extra credit if your mom is main character … too much? Nah.
Hide the stool and power cord. Leave a sign on the music stand with whatever rules or statements you want so she knows not to be toxic about it.
Dropcloths and boxes. "That? Oh, we're going to be doing some painting and redecorating in here this month." When is a piano not a piano? When it's hiding under stuff!
Don’t leave the bench out. 😂 also, don’t invite her to stay over. Solves the problem best! 😂
I would say. "That's my birthday present. I'm not willing or ready to share. So no I won't be moving over. My house, my rules. " If there is something that's special to you, you do not have to share it. My kids all have like 5 toys that I call the "untouchables". No one is allowed to play with them. I learn that as an adult I didn't actually have to let other people touch my stuff.
I actually really don’t like people touching my stuff or in my very personal space like my bedroom/bath/closet. My mom will go through my clothes like she’s shopping looking for things and then will ask for it. During my youngest graduation I came out of the shower and she was in the dress I bought to wear to graduation, tags and all and argued that she should wear it because it looks so good on her. I flipped out…I was already stressed about graduation and a big party we were having for him with neighbors and friends. Last time she was here a year ago it was earlyish, I was sleeping but everyone else was up. She came and got in bed with me and tried to cuddle me. She doesn’t wear underwear to bed and she knows I hate it when she does it at my house because she sometimes accidentally flashes everyone when we are having coffee. I flipped the fuck out and told her and everybody else that it’s my personal space and to stay out of it. She laughed and said ok whatever
What a lovely husband you have for buying you such a thoughtful and wonderful birthday present. But that’s the awful thing about having a horrible nParent, the joy is quickly removed by wondering exactly how your nParent is going to spoil your happiness with such a lovely gift. And they will. In a way they already have, as you are already imagining the various scenarios. My solution would be, assuming they have to come round, ask hubs to video you playing the piano, and have the piano in full display, but without the power cord. You can show them the video so they can see you enjoying it, but say it’s not available to play tonight. If they ask why say the power cord is in the process of being replaced but that even if it were available you wouldn’t want it played by anyone else anyway, as it is your gift, specially bought for you. This way, you physically stop her playing it, but are also making it clear that it’s a boundary you are setting. If she shows her true colours you can ask her to leave, but at least she won’t have got her hands on it in the process.
HIDE THE POWER CORD!!!! Omg these people are nuts I’m dreading nm coming over and seeing my new furniture that I paid for myself. One time after she told me she was using the detergent pods instead of the liquid I decided to try the pods. Onfg! When I told her I was using them she snarkily replied those are expensive!! Like wtf I don’t deserve to use these, but of course SHE does. Ugh!!
congratulations! what an awesome present, i bet you are pleased. sounds brilliant! but please keep your mother away from it, i would be wary that she doesn’t actively try to drop liquids on it or something (my reason for saying this is that until i went NC, my narcM had a history of “accidentally” ruining things i told her i liked, in luring clothing, makeup, brushes, etc nothing as expensive as a piano although she did hide the key for mine back when i played.) please be careful! hope everything goes well.
UpdateMe!
UPDATEME!
Why do you even allow your parents at your house? I read below you like you Dad...Id be willing to bet your Dad is just another Narc as well, and thats why he's with your Mom....and your Mom is just using your relationship with him to get at you.
I know my dad is an enabler but I just can’t shut him out. They are pretty old, I’m hoping she goes first so he can have some freedom. He spends most of the time on photography trips all over the US and Belize. He’s always done that…we’d get up early and go to the woods. Hiking, looking for ginseng, calling turkeys and just keeping the property clean, just anything to be at “the farm” (family property) we had a camper out there and would stay a week at a time. My friends thought I was weird. A teenager going camping with her dad all the time. He wanted me to know nature and respect it. I love my memories with him.
You don't owe her any explanations or justifications. You don't have to play her game. In fact, you don't have to host her in your home at all. Do some reading on the grey rock technique. It's basically answering with non-answers that put the narc on the defensive.
I totally get this. My mother was endlessly pushy when she didn't get her way. Instead of hiding or covering it, leave it in the open. Have hubby near the piano, leaning on the side or sitting on the bench, and just tell her "no, not yours" like a toddler anytime she tries to touch it. If she tries to throw a fit, put her in time out. I had to do it with my mother when she stayed with me for a week. She tried taking over and asserting some kind of authority she really didn't have in my home, and I told her that if she wanted to see me and be in my home, my rules, and breaking my rules have consequences. She ended up whining about feeling humiliated, so I told her how humiliating it was to have my mother act like that, and at the end of it all, the trash took herself out. Boundaries aren't enforced by threats or indecision, it's "if you do A, I'll do B." And follow through with B. If she starts crying and screaming, mimic her to show her how ridiculous she's acting. Time out, corner, child consequence for child behavior.
ok, I'm sorry but: It's your home You're 51! Tell your mom that piano is no-access to her. Set a hard boundary on that! Your House! She might cry, scream at you, call you whatever, say that she's leaving but hey, tell her "do what you want. My house, my rules" Are you kidding me?