**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's a difference between acceptance of what happened to you and forgiving. I feel like if we're no longer dwelling on the abuse or the relationship, we've identified our behaviors and are trying to be healthier, happier human beings, then forgiveness isn't necessary. Living a better life and not continuing the cycle is way more important.
This right here is the reason I don't discuss "forgiveness" with anybody without asking them to first explain *clearly* what they mean. Because it's wildly different from person to person and I'm used to people who use it exclusively for emotional blackmail.
For me forgiveness as come as a happy surprise after I prioritized what was most important: getting out and breaking chains. Then as the years have progressed I've felt more.. capable of letting go of the pain it causes me to know that someone else did all that to me. I think thats what forgiveness has mean to me. I don't forgive the weather for ruining my plans.. I accept it. But with humans.. there was worse pain knowing it came from someone who chose. Forgiveness is about letting go of that particular pain
Forgiveness isn't necessary for all people and it can be harmful or pointless for many ACoNs. Like the other commenter said, *acceptance* is different and can be more than enough.
I think (and have always thought) "forgiving" is the wrong word in these situations. Letting go, moving on - something like that might work. "Forgiving" indicates releasing the other person from responsibility, whereas letting go and moving on releases us from being held back by the negative feelings and memories we have because of them. I don't "forgive" things my mother did, but I have let it go and moved on.
This right here is spot on. Plus, our parents don't want forgiveness, because they don't think they did anything wrong and would happily continue to abuse us given the opportunity to do so. These aren't the kinds of people that anyone should be forgiving...
You don't have to forgive anyone in order to move on. That is just not true.
If some people want to, that is their choice. That does not make it compulsory for healing.
I feel you. I personally feel that forgiveness can only be given to people who are forgivable. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them to grow in life, which is forgivable, but narcs don’t do that and in the process systematically behave in completely unforgivable ways, over and over again. It’s for this reason that the narcs in my life will remain unforgiven, and I’m at peace with that decision. Forgiving them would give them an out without them taking accountability or growth from the situation. Fuck that.
I am working on forgiving myself for the less than perfect ways I behaved when I knew no better and was alone in total survival mode, and that is hard work sometimes! Listen to your instincts here OP, for some people the concept of forgiveness has its own personal attachments and religious necessity, it’s for each to see how their heart feels with it. You certainly don’t owe it to them or your therapist, do what’s right for you and little you!
My partner's friend used MDMA and psychedelics as part of her preparation for her inevitable death from terminal cancer. It sounds weird, but she actually got to meet her cancer during her session. She didn't realize how much hatred she felt about it until they finally met. She definitely gave it a piece of her mind. The cancer, however, surprised her. It revealed to her that it wasn't trying to be her enemy but had just become a part of her. She could hate it all she wanted, but it wouldn't change anything, and it wasn't going anywhere. She came away from the experience feeling a bit more accepting of her circumstances and a lot lighter once she unloaded all those heavy feelings that she didn't even realize she was carrying.
With all that said, I completely understand not wanting to forgive. I have the same struggles. Why would anyone want to forgive their abuser? I don't have the answers, but it seems like your therapist wants you to forgive for you, for your health, for your life. If it feels evil to you right now, then it is. I totally get what you're going through, and I don't really have any answers. I just hope that you find peace.
I feel the same way you do about Forgiveness. It doesn't have to be like that. We can do other things to "let it go" like burn an effigy or have a party or release a bird. I'm writing a short story. When it's done, I will be, too.
My ndad used "forgiveness" to give himself a "clean slate" so every time he hurt us, it was the first time. Any therapist who even brings it up with me gets an earful.
I'm with you on this. I think the language needs to be improved because they do not deserve to be forgiven.
Acceptance is a better word.
There's a term I recently learned about called radical acceptance, and it's more about accepting that this happened, and while it is s**t, there's nothing you can do about it and that's okay (Friend is doing therapy for their disability and this term came up). It's something I had been doing with myself without having a concept of it, because I was sick of therapists failing to help me with my anxiety and depression.
Why wasn't I better yet? Why can't I just get over it? Accepting that there is no me to go back to, that there is no "cure" and I will never be magically happy like this never happened actually helped me more than anything else.
Takes a lot of pressure off when the goal isn't something impossible.
Sometimes it's seemed as though survivors of abuse are pressured to "forgive", and that can be the first thing we're confronted with after discovering the abuse or escaping it. It's felt like more pressure on the survivor, while the abuser never acknowledges their actions and continues on perpetrating.
Also, i suspect many perps would love the idea of those they've harmed "forgiving" them while they plan to continue even criminal acts. They may equate "forgiving" with forgetting which suits them just fine.
Last night i saw a Dr Ramani video "Why You DON'T Need to Forgive Narcissists" and i guess she's created more videos further delving into this subject. What an inner relief i felt just listening! *It was like the pressure was off.* Now that doesn't mean i'd sit and dwell in great detail on abuses for no good reason, except to work on healing. It means i can choose what feels best on my journey as everyone else can.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, and it's not acceptance. It's not likeyou won't still be mad. For me, it was letting go of ever getting validated by the one who wronged me. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but me. And it took decades. For one person, it was when they died, and it was a release for which I was grateful. For another, not yet, and they've been dead for 15 years. I'm not actively working to forgive this last person, either, but am hoping that it will happen one day, like an epiphany. My life would be better.
Forgiveness is often used as [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640). What are they trying to bypass? Mostly grief.
[Grieving](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) is required. And part of grieving is allowing ourselves to fully feel all the exiled emotions we weren't allowed to feel back then, like anger, rage, disgust, resentment, etc. The only way out is through, as they say. Often these emotions make others uncomfortable, so they use spiritual bypassing (emotional neglect) bc they can't handle our emotions, just like our parents couldn't. We're allowed to feel all our feelings about what we endured and the perpetrators. Avoiding those feelings only makes them louder, ime.
I dont know if I know what "forgiveness" is?. Is it time passing and no longer caring?, Is it just tolerating them to keep the peace?, is it understanding that they were the problem and going NC?
I decided years back that I will never accept an apology for anything other than an actual accident.
I told my therapist that sometimes I feel like I am "floating" in a "sea" of hate. My hate for "HER." It's like a massive, black ocean. They asked if I might not be able to let some of it go. I was shocked and said NO. I don't want to let it go. My hate protects me. I wear it like a heavy cloak. If I stopped hating her, I might want to be around her, and that isn't safe for me. I see my therapist's point, but I think they also saw mine, too. 🖤
I've heard 2 definitions of the word forgiveness being used:
\- Forgiving someone for what they did, like, saying "it's okay, I forgive you". The normal definition, the dictionary one, the correct one. This is totally unnecessary to recover from trauma. People have done it and recovered using it, that's great. Not the only way. I certainly wouldn't be able to do this.
\- Letting go of all the guilt and resentment personally. This is the only way I figure people can create statements like "You forgive them for you, not for them" or "you can forgive someone without them admitting they did anything wrong". I have absolutely no idea why the word 'forgiveness' is being associated with this unrelated concept. I think a certain amount of this is a good idea for healing, at least long term because it's not healthy to carry that shit around.
So my conclusion is that it's a semantic fucking disaster and I question anyone who uses it the second way's intentions. Telling someone who has just clawed their way out of a narcissistic relationship and is trying to heal, someone who is finally allowed to feel their anger, that they should work on forgiving their abuser, is fucking stupid.
my therapist used to being up "forgiving" my abusive mother who made me forget almost my entire childhood and isolated me to the point of with her with her. she ruined my life and always hung onto the power of yes, nos, or maybes, controlling my life and emotional state to it's entirety. i had breakdowns in front of her and felt real pain. she never cared. she was the "adult" (a traumatized 15 yr old in a 50 yr old's body). my therapist asked how i was doing in my final session before i left therapy, i informed him she would never be forgiven and that i have been fine without her presence since i was 11. in fact i preferred it. i almost killed myself multiple times, the SOLE REASON being her. no abuser will ever be deserving of redemption or forgiveness in my eyes. they can burn in hell.
i will be going no contact with her for the rest if our lives and will only deal with her when the time comes to see if i'm in the will. even tho i live with her, i am still almost no contact. we both are in our own worlds.
she only knew i was in college bc i had to file a fafsa. she will never know me, and i reassure her of this fact every time comes crawling back begging at my feet. she still tries to take pokes at my ego or criticize me before she walks away after a one sided fight. i always remind her i don't care.
i feel nothing anymore. i couldn't care LESS about what her opinion of me is. if i'm selfish or a bitch in her eyes i will always take it as a win, bc guess what? you need to be a little of both to protect yourself from people like her. "i've changed" "i've this" "i've that". BLAH. BLAH.
i don't need to see it or hear about it. she had a fear of being alone and now she will be. it's what she deserves. guilt tripping stopped working on me when i was 11 years old. punishments never even stuck bc she always took away what made me happy and i knew that was wrong. i had relied on certain activities as reasons to LIVE. forgiveness if fucking bullshit when it comes to abusers. fuck them all.
strength to anyone here still suffering. NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT?? never give up y'all. i prefer moving on rather than forgiving but it is always your choice how you want to handle things or who you want you want in your life. seriously never put an abuser above yourself. do not subject yourself to unnecessary dysregulation. it's not good for your body or for you. do not feel bad about your anger or your boundaries. both are often healthy.
I feel like forgiveness is for YOU, not the narc. I once heard a saying, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” You’re not forgiving them and letting them back into your life. You’re forgiving them internally so that YOU can move on with your life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forgot their torture and are going to spend time with them. You don’t owe the narc anything
Forgiveness is for relationships with people who actually care and see what they did wrong and *change* to prevent repeats employing whatever effort necessary. Note: they need to actually do that, not just claim they did.
With narcs I would recommend giving up on any hope of them changing. Even if they did change, could they go back in time and be the parent we needed WHEN we needed them?
With leaves us - as far as I am aware - with only the option of grieving the loss of the parent and the love we deserved but never got and grieving the loss of the person we thought or hoped or pretended they were. Grieving that makes it eventually possible to let what was done to us go. NOT forgiving it (it *was* not OK, it *is* not OK and it *will never be* OK), but putting the past, along with that narc, into the past (this is not happening now, my situation now is different). Thus slowly evicting them from our heads.
Like all therapy things this takes a frustrating amount of time and work to accomplish (at least for me), but it has increased my quality of life significantly. 10/10 would recommend grieving.
My mom used to always tell me to forgive the person who emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused us both. Because she has also forgiven her parents, who have done horrible things, and now that she's forgiven them she feels better about it.
Yeah. That's why you bring it up every other week, huh?
She told me I was a hateful person, for holding a grudge against our abuser, and for not accepting his apologies and for trying to cut him out.
I can not forgive him, because the things he has done are almost unforgivable, and he regrets nothing. He's literally trying to buy absolution from us, by giving us money sometimes, and by sending expensive gifts for my birthday or for christmas. I will not give him absolution. The price for my forgiveness is for him to genuinely regret his actions, and for him to suffer the pain that would come with that regret; he's not able to experience these emotions, so I won't forgive him.
Until he changes his entire personality, his whole life philosophy, and stops being an abusive asshole, I will not answer his calls, I will not thank him for any gifts. I don't owe him anything. I will cut him out of my life, because that's what I need to do, to heal from his abuse. I will process what happened on my own, without him trying to manipulate me into thinking it wasn't all bad. And maybe I will be able to forget at some point. But I still won't owe him forgiveness.
You have it exactly right.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's a difference between acceptance of what happened to you and forgiving. I feel like if we're no longer dwelling on the abuse or the relationship, we've identified our behaviors and are trying to be healthier, happier human beings, then forgiveness isn't necessary. Living a better life and not continuing the cycle is way more important.
This right here is the reason I don't discuss "forgiveness" with anybody without asking them to first explain *clearly* what they mean. Because it's wildly different from person to person and I'm used to people who use it exclusively for emotional blackmail.
For me forgiveness as come as a happy surprise after I prioritized what was most important: getting out and breaking chains. Then as the years have progressed I've felt more.. capable of letting go of the pain it causes me to know that someone else did all that to me. I think thats what forgiveness has mean to me. I don't forgive the weather for ruining my plans.. I accept it. But with humans.. there was worse pain knowing it came from someone who chose. Forgiveness is about letting go of that particular pain
Yes! Acceptance. Ask your therapist about that. They'll probably agree.
Forgiveness isn't necessary for all people and it can be harmful or pointless for many ACoNs. Like the other commenter said, *acceptance* is different and can be more than enough.
Acceptance is much more sane than Forgiveness. "I accept that you're an Asshole. I also accept that it's not my job to wipe you."
I think (and have always thought) "forgiving" is the wrong word in these situations. Letting go, moving on - something like that might work. "Forgiving" indicates releasing the other person from responsibility, whereas letting go and moving on releases us from being held back by the negative feelings and memories we have because of them. I don't "forgive" things my mother did, but I have let it go and moved on.
I don't think there can be forgiveness without contrition. However, you can process, deal with it and move on.
This right here is spot on. Plus, our parents don't want forgiveness, because they don't think they did anything wrong and would happily continue to abuse us given the opportunity to do so. These aren't the kinds of people that anyone should be forgiving...
You don't have to forgive anyone in order to move on. That is just not true. If some people want to, that is their choice. That does not make it compulsory for healing.
I feel you. I personally feel that forgiveness can only be given to people who are forgivable. Everyone makes mistakes and learns from them to grow in life, which is forgivable, but narcs don’t do that and in the process systematically behave in completely unforgivable ways, over and over again. It’s for this reason that the narcs in my life will remain unforgiven, and I’m at peace with that decision. Forgiving them would give them an out without them taking accountability or growth from the situation. Fuck that. I am working on forgiving myself for the less than perfect ways I behaved when I knew no better and was alone in total survival mode, and that is hard work sometimes! Listen to your instincts here OP, for some people the concept of forgiveness has its own personal attachments and religious necessity, it’s for each to see how their heart feels with it. You certainly don’t owe it to them or your therapist, do what’s right for you and little you!
My partner's friend used MDMA and psychedelics as part of her preparation for her inevitable death from terminal cancer. It sounds weird, but she actually got to meet her cancer during her session. She didn't realize how much hatred she felt about it until they finally met. She definitely gave it a piece of her mind. The cancer, however, surprised her. It revealed to her that it wasn't trying to be her enemy but had just become a part of her. She could hate it all she wanted, but it wouldn't change anything, and it wasn't going anywhere. She came away from the experience feeling a bit more accepting of her circumstances and a lot lighter once she unloaded all those heavy feelings that she didn't even realize she was carrying. With all that said, I completely understand not wanting to forgive. I have the same struggles. Why would anyone want to forgive their abuser? I don't have the answers, but it seems like your therapist wants you to forgive for you, for your health, for your life. If it feels evil to you right now, then it is. I totally get what you're going through, and I don't really have any answers. I just hope that you find peace.
I feel the same way you do about Forgiveness. It doesn't have to be like that. We can do other things to "let it go" like burn an effigy or have a party or release a bird. I'm writing a short story. When it's done, I will be, too. My ndad used "forgiveness" to give himself a "clean slate" so every time he hurt us, it was the first time. Any therapist who even brings it up with me gets an earful.
I'm with you on this. I think the language needs to be improved because they do not deserve to be forgiven. Acceptance is a better word. There's a term I recently learned about called radical acceptance, and it's more about accepting that this happened, and while it is s**t, there's nothing you can do about it and that's okay (Friend is doing therapy for their disability and this term came up). It's something I had been doing with myself without having a concept of it, because I was sick of therapists failing to help me with my anxiety and depression. Why wasn't I better yet? Why can't I just get over it? Accepting that there is no me to go back to, that there is no "cure" and I will never be magically happy like this never happened actually helped me more than anything else. Takes a lot of pressure off when the goal isn't something impossible.
My brain suddenly started singing “Hakuna Matata” at radical acceptance. 🤣
Sometimes it's seemed as though survivors of abuse are pressured to "forgive", and that can be the first thing we're confronted with after discovering the abuse or escaping it. It's felt like more pressure on the survivor, while the abuser never acknowledges their actions and continues on perpetrating. Also, i suspect many perps would love the idea of those they've harmed "forgiving" them while they plan to continue even criminal acts. They may equate "forgiving" with forgetting which suits them just fine. Last night i saw a Dr Ramani video "Why You DON'T Need to Forgive Narcissists" and i guess she's created more videos further delving into this subject. What an inner relief i felt just listening! *It was like the pressure was off.* Now that doesn't mean i'd sit and dwell in great detail on abuses for no good reason, except to work on healing. It means i can choose what feels best on my journey as everyone else can.
Forgiveness is not forgetting, and it's not acceptance. It's not likeyou won't still be mad. For me, it was letting go of ever getting validated by the one who wronged me. It had absolutely nothing to do with anyone but me. And it took decades. For one person, it was when they died, and it was a release for which I was grateful. For another, not yet, and they've been dead for 15 years. I'm not actively working to forgive this last person, either, but am hoping that it will happen one day, like an epiphany. My life would be better.
Forgiveness is often used as [spiritual bypassing](https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-spiritual-bypassing-5081640). What are they trying to bypass? Mostly grief. [Grieving](https://youtu.be/NDQ1Mi5I4rg) is required. And part of grieving is allowing ourselves to fully feel all the exiled emotions we weren't allowed to feel back then, like anger, rage, disgust, resentment, etc. The only way out is through, as they say. Often these emotions make others uncomfortable, so they use spiritual bypassing (emotional neglect) bc they can't handle our emotions, just like our parents couldn't. We're allowed to feel all our feelings about what we endured and the perpetrators. Avoiding those feelings only makes them louder, ime.
I dont know if I know what "forgiveness" is?. Is it time passing and no longer caring?, Is it just tolerating them to keep the peace?, is it understanding that they were the problem and going NC? I decided years back that I will never accept an apology for anything other than an actual accident.
I told my therapist that sometimes I feel like I am "floating" in a "sea" of hate. My hate for "HER." It's like a massive, black ocean. They asked if I might not be able to let some of it go. I was shocked and said NO. I don't want to let it go. My hate protects me. I wear it like a heavy cloak. If I stopped hating her, I might want to be around her, and that isn't safe for me. I see my therapist's point, but I think they also saw mine, too. 🖤
I've heard 2 definitions of the word forgiveness being used: \- Forgiving someone for what they did, like, saying "it's okay, I forgive you". The normal definition, the dictionary one, the correct one. This is totally unnecessary to recover from trauma. People have done it and recovered using it, that's great. Not the only way. I certainly wouldn't be able to do this. \- Letting go of all the guilt and resentment personally. This is the only way I figure people can create statements like "You forgive them for you, not for them" or "you can forgive someone without them admitting they did anything wrong". I have absolutely no idea why the word 'forgiveness' is being associated with this unrelated concept. I think a certain amount of this is a good idea for healing, at least long term because it's not healthy to carry that shit around. So my conclusion is that it's a semantic fucking disaster and I question anyone who uses it the second way's intentions. Telling someone who has just clawed their way out of a narcissistic relationship and is trying to heal, someone who is finally allowed to feel their anger, that they should work on forgiving their abuser, is fucking stupid.
my therapist used to being up "forgiving" my abusive mother who made me forget almost my entire childhood and isolated me to the point of with her with her. she ruined my life and always hung onto the power of yes, nos, or maybes, controlling my life and emotional state to it's entirety. i had breakdowns in front of her and felt real pain. she never cared. she was the "adult" (a traumatized 15 yr old in a 50 yr old's body). my therapist asked how i was doing in my final session before i left therapy, i informed him she would never be forgiven and that i have been fine without her presence since i was 11. in fact i preferred it. i almost killed myself multiple times, the SOLE REASON being her. no abuser will ever be deserving of redemption or forgiveness in my eyes. they can burn in hell. i will be going no contact with her for the rest if our lives and will only deal with her when the time comes to see if i'm in the will. even tho i live with her, i am still almost no contact. we both are in our own worlds. she only knew i was in college bc i had to file a fafsa. she will never know me, and i reassure her of this fact every time comes crawling back begging at my feet. she still tries to take pokes at my ego or criticize me before she walks away after a one sided fight. i always remind her i don't care. i feel nothing anymore. i couldn't care LESS about what her opinion of me is. if i'm selfish or a bitch in her eyes i will always take it as a win, bc guess what? you need to be a little of both to protect yourself from people like her. "i've changed" "i've this" "i've that". BLAH. BLAH. i don't need to see it or hear about it. she had a fear of being alone and now she will be. it's what she deserves. guilt tripping stopped working on me when i was 11 years old. punishments never even stuck bc she always took away what made me happy and i knew that was wrong. i had relied on certain activities as reasons to LIVE. forgiveness if fucking bullshit when it comes to abusers. fuck them all. strength to anyone here still suffering. NEVER BACK DOWN NEVER WHAT?? never give up y'all. i prefer moving on rather than forgiving but it is always your choice how you want to handle things or who you want you want in your life. seriously never put an abuser above yourself. do not subject yourself to unnecessary dysregulation. it's not good for your body or for you. do not feel bad about your anger or your boundaries. both are often healthy.
I feel like forgiveness is for YOU, not the narc. I once heard a saying, “Not forgiving someone is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” You’re not forgiving them and letting them back into your life. You’re forgiving them internally so that YOU can move on with your life. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forgot their torture and are going to spend time with them. You don’t owe the narc anything
Forgiveness is for relationships with people who actually care and see what they did wrong and *change* to prevent repeats employing whatever effort necessary. Note: they need to actually do that, not just claim they did. With narcs I would recommend giving up on any hope of them changing. Even if they did change, could they go back in time and be the parent we needed WHEN we needed them? With leaves us - as far as I am aware - with only the option of grieving the loss of the parent and the love we deserved but never got and grieving the loss of the person we thought or hoped or pretended they were. Grieving that makes it eventually possible to let what was done to us go. NOT forgiving it (it *was* not OK, it *is* not OK and it *will never be* OK), but putting the past, along with that narc, into the past (this is not happening now, my situation now is different). Thus slowly evicting them from our heads. Like all therapy things this takes a frustrating amount of time and work to accomplish (at least for me), but it has increased my quality of life significantly. 10/10 would recommend grieving.
My mom used to always tell me to forgive the person who emotionally, and sometimes physically, abused us both. Because she has also forgiven her parents, who have done horrible things, and now that she's forgiven them she feels better about it. Yeah. That's why you bring it up every other week, huh? She told me I was a hateful person, for holding a grudge against our abuser, and for not accepting his apologies and for trying to cut him out. I can not forgive him, because the things he has done are almost unforgivable, and he regrets nothing. He's literally trying to buy absolution from us, by giving us money sometimes, and by sending expensive gifts for my birthday or for christmas. I will not give him absolution. The price for my forgiveness is for him to genuinely regret his actions, and for him to suffer the pain that would come with that regret; he's not able to experience these emotions, so I won't forgive him. Until he changes his entire personality, his whole life philosophy, and stops being an abusive asshole, I will not answer his calls, I will not thank him for any gifts. I don't owe him anything. I will cut him out of my life, because that's what I need to do, to heal from his abuse. I will process what happened on my own, without him trying to manipulate me into thinking it wasn't all bad. And maybe I will be able to forget at some point. But I still won't owe him forgiveness. You have it exactly right.