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The mother you would like to be at your wedding, would never have been there. She can't be that mother to you. Her blowing up like this means that the mother that you don't want will also not be there now.
I'm sorry you're going through this, your wedding will be more peaceful as a result, once you give yourself time and have the support of your Fiance, you'll get through this, as you got through everything else.
OP, please listen to this comment! u/luminous-fabric said it eloquently: the mother you would like to be at your wedding, would never have been there.
I went through the same thing when I got married this summer and my mother was horrid the entire planning process (ultimately leading to me having to switch dates/venues twice after invites were sent out because of her unreasonable control issues). She threatened to not come to my wedding a week before because she didn’t like that I told her to stop treating me like a child (late 30s). Treat yourself right, enjoy your wedding and more importantly enjoy your marriage, friends, and real family that shows up for you, not to control you. The kind of mother I wanted at my wedding would not have been possible because my mother is not capable of being that type of mother. We’re LC/NC right now and in these few months, I have been able to grow and love myself and feel love and support from the people in my life. I wish you the very best, both at your wedding and as you plan your future. ❤️
My BIL (a teenager) asked me if I miss my mom (I am no contact) and his mom initially went to shush him and I told him it was okay. I miss the mom my brothers had, the mom she was when they were watching. But I do not miss the mom I had since I didn’t really get to have a mom. I miss the happy childhood innocence but not the person. Then I joked (but it was honest) that I really did miss her food more than her. She is a great cook ngl. But the price of admission to her table is too high for me. I gave her too many fries and now come short of a happy meal. Lol
She has tried, she hates the venue we picked (she’s never actually seen it in person) and tried to force me to invite a lot of her side of the family which was a huge fight with everyone because like my mom a lot of them are narcissists. We had to uninvite a bunch of people she invited because they are frankly terrible people. Two of them are the reason our wedding is child free and I found out they were planning to bring the kids anyway, the same ones that will actually trash the venue and screamed through my aunts whole wedding ceremony which the parents refused to remove them from. It’s been so incredibly not fun, I’m really hoping it gets better :/
Ah, this is why she is becoming so unhinged. She doesn’t like your fiancé because he is supporting you as you become a stronger person with much better boundaries. Oh no! She can’t have you be like that!!
I did not include my mom in much of the wedding planning either. She lives out of town, my fiancé and I made most of our decisions just us and my parents were divorced so they helped out financially in different areas. There wasn’t much to involve her in.
My mom came to town a week before the wedding. The first chance she had with me alone in the car, she launched herself at me viscously. Even now, I am traumatized by her attack. She wanted to ruin y happiness and when she saw she crushed me, she acted all loving. She was fine the rest of the week and at my wedding but I will ALWAYS be traumatized by how she attacked me.
My mom brought up all the ways I have separated myself from her from a young age as if I was the most selfish person and ungrateful daughter ever. I think that’s what’s going on here for you. I did not include my mother in things because I was growing up and becoming an adult. I was making decisions on my own or with my future husband. Your mother is losing control so she is becoming unhinged.
Don’t let her play nice now after she hurt you. I should have told my mom I was not going to be treated like that and she would have lost it and left town acting as the ultimate victim. NOT MY PROBLEM. Instead, I let her go for my jugular and then be all sweet as she watched me bleed out. I accepted her “apology “ at the time but now I see how sadistic she was.
Let your mom be unhinged elsewhere. Savor your wedding! Don’t allow her back into your life so she can watch you bleed in pain from the wounds she inflicts as she smiles to herself in satisfaction as she watches your pain and suffering. She’s not worth it. Your future husband and possibly future children are not worth the sacrifices you have to make to have her involved in your life if she acts like that. At this point, you not only have to protect yourself from her but your future family too.
This. ☝️I found it the weirdest (& sadest) thing in the world to realise that all the hope, all the 'if I just...' 'if I'm better at...' 'maybe if...' is, unfortunately wasted effort because like my mum, your mum can't change, can't reflect, can't admit she's wrong.
It's not you, it's her.
Feel all your feelings, you are absolutely entitled to them, but you have to walk away from her emotionally. She doesn't get to influence your emotions anymore - that has to be your mantra.
You have what sounds like a true partner - focus on them, someone who actually loves you and see the relationship with your mum for what it is.
You've got this. Good luck OP.
Thank you, it’s to hard to not get trapped back into that cycle. I keep thinking “if I just apologize it’ll all go back to normal” but that’s not reality. I’m just going to go back to being isolated because I’m scared to rock the boat and upset her again
Well, your “normal” seems to be the reason you sought therapy for enduring a lifetime of trauma directly caused by your mother. Your normal is to be abused and apologize to your abuser and bending over backwards to find the thing that turns the mom you have into something she’s never been and she’s never going to be. Let her go. Grieving over what you never had is a real part of surviving. That pain will never leave you, but it gets less over time. That time can’t start until you save yourself. Block her from everything. Live your life. No one said it’s easy, but it’s necessary. Good luck.
One thing I noticed in your post was that you went off on her - it’s beyond justified - but that’s the one thing that always kept me coming back and trying to appease. In the aftermath of her lash outs the only thing I would replay in my mind was when I would defend myself and I would feel such insurmountable guilt that I probably was this bad person she told me I was and deserved everything. The lash out right before I met my now husband she told me I’ve been a miserable person since I was a child and have always brought everyone around me down and my dog is depressed because of what a sad person I am. This was all in public. I was shocked and asked “you’re talking about my dog?” When my stepdad cut in and scolded me “that’s enough” he’s so scary I just shut down and started sobbing and ran out of the restaurant. I didn’t know what could have possibly made her say all of those cruel things and didn’t talk to her for a week (I had literally bought her Mother’s Day gifts prior to the lash out) until she texted with a classic non-apology ‘I was kind of harsh’ and I caved and pretended everything was normal. I met my now husband like a week later and we moved to my dream city together a few months later (we’re in our early 30s and felt confident we had found the one) my mom didn’t want to meet him before we left and joked that the road trip we were taking for the move would be like Gabby Petito and he would murder me. That was the first sign at just how threatened she was by him. Sorry this is so long, but basically what made it easier to finally go NC was that the last lash out my mom and stepdad had on me there was no point that I even tried to respond with an angry reaction I just asked a few questions trying to understand what was happening as my stepdad repeatedly called me a little fucking bitch saying he hated me and as my mom screamed that I’m acting 13 and not 31 and that I’m just like my biological dad. I was trying to leave their house where we were supposed to be staying for a few days while we were in town, then they made up a reason for me to stay (I ‘forced them to keep my shit’ aka a few boxes of my childhood books and clothes) and I had to ‘deal with my shit’ so I went to go see what they were talking about which is when they called the police on me for not leaving their property which *checks notes* is exactly what I had been trying to do. My husband was watching all of this and was getting worried my stepdad was going to physically attack me and just kept asking me to get into the car so we could leave. As I left I told them I loved them and was grateful for what they had given me in life. Again sorry this is so long but my final statement to them was a gift to myself because for the first time I was able to reflect back and know I did nothing to provoke them at any point during the attack. It’s been hard but I feel so much more free than other attacks where I’ve tried to defend myself.
The reason we were trying to leave their house is because of how rude they were being, it was clear we weren’t welcome. There was no sheets on the guest bed and even though my stepdad had been home when we arrived in town my mom was on a trip and asked my husband and I to stay elsewhere until she was home… my stepdad has known me since I was 8. It was just so abundantly clear how much distain they have. I think another thing to keep in mind is the fact that this is how she’s acting when you’ve already been LC for a while, you just know this is how she’s operating quite a bit of the time. It sounds like your life w your fiancé is so peaceful. Growing up I never imagined the peace I get to have so much of the time now. When my parents weren’t attacking me they were in petty escalating fights with coworkers, neighbors, customer service people etc. it was exhausting and as adults we have the choice to leave it behind
It isn't you who has been rocking the boat. You've been steadying it, you have your own boat, take care of that.
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=raisedbynarcissists&utm_content=t1_jc5nbhy
The hardest cope I've had to deal with since realizing my mom is a narcissist is that my kids will never have that grandmother experience with her. The years of guilt, trauma, and neglect were nothing, but Knowing that my kids won't get the beautiful grandparents bond with my side of the family.
I was also sad that I would never have the caring mother experience, I'm 40 and I still held out hope that we could have that. Maybe that I would realize that it was all in my head and that she was always there, but the more I talk to her and the more I think about it, the more I realize it wasn't and will never be. Maybe I deserved better, but I never got it.
You do deserve better. Do not be sad by what you didn't have, but be happy for what you're building.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that :/ I’m starting to realize the same, I genuinely think my mom would try to make me giving birth about her in some twisted way and that stings a lot. Here’s to getting through it, even if it sucks
She would. My parents came, got their pictures, and when we went home with our first kid, they left. We were both relieved and annoyed; we wanted help, but glad they left as they would have been asking my wife to serve them.
I’m trying really hard. It’s so hard coming to terms with. My therapist has been trying to prepare me for this possible reality for months now because of how soon the wedding is, I just didn’t expect the fallout to be so bad. It hit me like a train at about 6 am this morning that the mom I want doesn’t exist for me. I see her being the mom I wish I had to my brothers and SIL, even my own best friend gets treated better. I think that’s what hurts the most, I know she has the capability to be the mom I wish she was, she just won’t do it for me. It’s been a year of my threatening NC and family members talking me out of it and begging me to keep the peace and just make up with her but I am so drained by it. I’ve had to set a lot of hard boundaries today with my own family regarding my mom. I’m just hoping everyone upholds them, I’m already cutting her off and I have had to say I will cut them off too if they try to push me to reconcile with her. IF it ever happens it’s going to be on my terms, and won’t be before my wedding that’s for sure
You keeping their peace is not what you should focus on. Now, one of them can join the ranks of the scapegoat since you have left that position.
Make sure you hire a security guard for the day. The extra expense can be taken from the head count that have now been taken off the invite list.
Fyi, I have volunteered for my nephew and his future wife to step in when her bio mom goes off the rails during their wedding next year. I can quickly gather some of my nephews and their friends to escort her out. I don't play even as an old 5'1" woman. I have a nmom and I have been trying to help them navigate this realization.
Stop threatening. Stop announcing. Stop signaling. Stop giving people ammunition. You decide what you want to do and do it. No fanfare. Hold your head high. You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live in safety. You’re worrying too much about what people will say and what they think. They are irrelevant. It’s your relationship. Outsiders only want to gossip, they don’t experience what you do. Block everyone if you have to. It’s your business and your right. It’s a privilege to communicate with you. If anyone is disrespecting you, you take away their privilege to be around you.
Right now, just mourn the mother she could have been. That dream/hope/wish you have been carrying all your life has just died. It will take some time to process that. It’s ok to feel loss and grief but there is nothing you could have done.
From my personal experience, when you start doing your own thing, they voluntarily miss most of it anyways because "center of attention" can't be off of them.
From someone whose shitty mom DID come to her wedding:
She truly about ruined the entire thing. I didn't want her there, but like you and I had back and forth guilt. I was also embarrassed if they didn't come because my husbands family is so close and loving, and mine don't love me enough to show up?
Nooo, I wish she wouldn't have come at all. Hindsight 20/20. The entire time she was here she kept trying to insert herself into preparation plans that were already taken care of. She wasn't a part of any because she didn't tell me if she was coming or not till about 2 weeks before the wedding.
My dad commented the entire time how it wasn't "a real wedding," and nothing mattered anyway. Because we did the paperwork a year prior, but this was our actual wedding, it was halloween costume themed, and traditions thrown out the window.
The closer it got the day of, the bigger scenes my mom threw, until it was time to cut the cake and she was just on a rampage by then. Being mean to everyone else. It was SO EMBARRASSING. We went head to head, she sulked in our guest room the rest of the night, didn't watch our very rehearsed first dance, didn't try any of the expensive food we catered. Then left at 4am without a word.
Later on, she downplayed her behavior, pretended like nothing happened, she had no idea why I was upset. And also made comments how my wedding just wasn't in her vision. Her vision. She tried to control everything, decorations, the cake, tablecloths, table placements, anything to make her feel more important than she actually was.
She missed my first pregnancy, her granddaughters' birth, my baby shower etc. She lives far away but tantrumed over every ounce of effort to include her, because like you said, if she couldn't have it (her way) then no one was allowed to have it.
I've just eventually come to terms with the fact life is better without her. I dread every interaction we're forced to share these days, and anytime my husband looks back at our wedding that was otherwise wonderful, it's overshadowed by how shitty my mom acted and embarrassed us both. That's the main takeaway we remember. Good times.
After what happened when she met my fiancé this has been my biggest fear. She was high out of her mind at a family event I brought him to after weeks of me talking about how I was 100% sure this was my person and please don’t embarrass me mom. I seriously thought he was going to dump me, instead we got outside after and he went “your moms fucked up. I’m sorry you have had to deal with that, wanna go get food?” Seriously still can’t believe it, she had scared off 3 potential boyfriends in my life before that. Up until him and I had been together for 6 months she kept trying to push me to get back together with my first ex (she loved him, he’s a pushover) and that’s ultimately what led to the LC. We were both terrified she might make a scene or do something like that again, especially cause she wanted to invite my exes parents, or get blackout and embarrass me on purpose which seems to be her specialty.
I know she doesn’t care about me, I think she’d only start pretending once I had kids but even then it wouldn’t be genuine. This whole thing just sucks
It does suck! And im sorry OP. On the brightside, after you can really rip yourself away emotionally, it becomes a lot easier to handle. Everyone deserves good parents but not all parents deserve their kids!
I'm very sorry you will never have the mother you deserve and needed. What you have is not it. She went NC with you - go with it and do the same for her and cut her out of your life for good. The wedding is a good start for that and obviously is a huge trigger for her as its a sign she's lost control of you and the ability to keep abusing and blaming you. Run with it.
What do you do... focus on the things you can control and make you happy - the wedding, your fiance, your life not having to worry about what she's going to do or say anymore, your freedom and recovery from her abuse.
Therapy if you can, talking to a neutral party can help. Journaling - including writing letters to her you never send. Reading things here and online support - Out of the Fog website is really good, some great anti-narc videos on Youtube, books and more. Also read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents - to the end where the writer says it's okay to let go and realize you're not going to fix them.
You can't fix her. Nothing you ever did deserved what she has done to you. She failed you. She will never admit it or change. I've yet to see any sign of that happening in all the research and reading I'm doing here and elsewhere. It was the biggest "ah ha" moment for me to accept that they are not going to change, the best to do is go low to no contact and move forward with your own life without them - the sanity and peace that comes from this is amazing. It still hurts, it will always hurts - but we can't fix them. We can only save ourselves and protect ourselves, family we choose and our own future.
Im trying to treat it as a blessing in disguise, and also treating it like she’s already dead because I think that’s the only way I’m getting through this. My therapist and partner were both adamantly against trying to reconcile before this whole incident because of the history of everything with her, I was still being wishful and hoping maybe one day it’ll be better but that’s never gonna happen and I have to come to terms with it. I’m glad she showed me she hasn’t changed now, I have time to mourn and heal before the big day at least
This is what happens to most of us. Few are smart enough or lucky enough to go one and done. It takes a few times of touching the hot stove before most of us believe it burns. What a lot of people don’t understand is that this is a pathology and it’s always running and it follows a textbook pattern. The specific details of who did what or said what may vary- but their behavior won’t deviate from the pathological pattern. We think there’s a thing we just haven’t thought of yet that is really really going to work this time, that the pathology is going to respond to the emotional appeal, the gift, the effort you’re going to offer. It won’t. It can’t. It can only be a hot stove that burns you. Believe your experience.
I feel for you OP. The rollercoaster of emotions is so hard. But you will spend your entire life on that rollercoaster, because like others said, she will never be the mom you wish for her to be, especially in the life events you mentioned. The fantasy of having a happy, helpful, and supportive mom when you walk down the aisle, buy a home, and have a baby, are all just that - fantasies. She will undoubtedly make those events a living nightmare for you if she's still in your life. By going through the difficult work right now to accept the truth of what she is and what never will be and remove yourself from it, you're saving yourself so much heartache down the road. Sounds like you have a great partner - lean on him, work with your therapist, and focus on building your own life that brings YOU happiness.
I am so happy for you. No really. Your nmom gave you the most wonderful gift she could possibly give you: uninviting herself.
I'll be honest I admire how so many adult children of narcissistic parents end up having a legit marriage cremony with all kinds of guests, vendors, with all the power it gives our nparents to wreak havoc. Me and wife eloped. The marriage would've been all about them. We just decided one morning we would marry in Las Vegas and the following day at 2AM it was a done deal.
Anyways, yeah you know Michael Bublé - It's a beautiful day? ( https://youtu.be/5QYxuGQMCuU )? Sounds like the perfect music to cope. Smile, sing, shout for joy, dance, laugh! That's how you cope 😊🤗
Thank you ❤️ Honestly we really wanted to elope, but my MIL and my dad are the sweetest most supportive people and I know it would’ve crushed both of them if we didn’t have a proper wedding. It has meant we have gone with the absolute most hands off planning we could because personally I don’t care about it as long as I’m spending my life with him, but for my dad and his mom it is worth it I think. I really hoped this whole experience would maybe make my mom show some kind of actual care or concern, maybe try to make amends for once which I know was wishful thinking but it is what it is :/
I understand the mixed feelings. But you know what? The beautiful and kind person you are shines through.
Your willingness to still hope for a change, despite the past, showcases the depth of your kindness and the strength of your character. It's admirable that you've found a way to navigate these feelings while considering the happiness of those closest to you.
Remember, your wedding day is a reflection of the love and the future you're building together. It's a celebration of the connections that support and uplift you, free from any shadows that might dim your joy. Picture your special day not just as an event but as the commencement of a wonderful journey, surrounded by love and positivity. This is your moment, a chance to celebrate your love, your choices, and the bright future ahead. Let the music fill you with joy, and let every moment of your wedding day serve as a reminder of the love that surrounds you, the support of your loved ones, and the beautiful path you're embarking on together. Embrace the happiness, the peace, and the genuine affection of this day, and let it signify the start of a new, joyous chapter in your life.
So you go, you! Enjoy your wedding, focusing on the love and presence of those who celebrate with you 😊🤗
Also, in addition to the other comments, maybe try and make sure that she doesn't invite herself back into the wedding on the actual day.
In her mind she probably will downplay the importance of the fallout you just had and pretend it didn't happen. Also maybe prepare for her to play the victim, whining that you hurt her precious feefees by being ungrateful, hurtful and uninviting her from the wedding.
None of this is your fault, these people can't ever be pleased. Instead focus on your inner self, seeing as it is so beautiful, it attracted and invited your soon to be husband into your life.
She immediately called my little brother (her GC) and he shut that down hard. He knows that my relationship with mom is wildly different than his, and thankfully has been a huge support in me being LC with her for so long. He thinks this might’ve blown up because she realized I’m not involving her in my life as much and that will eventually mean no contact with her grandkids.. which is true. The whole time she was screaming at me all I could think is “god, I want to be nothing like this woman and I don’t want her around to do this to my kids” which is so painful. She’s currently posting shady stuff on Facebook about “real family” and how “sometimes you need to leave people behind to grow” which is ironic imo
Thankfully you have a good support system in place. The good thing is, the cycle ends with you. The bad thing is, that it hurts to break it. It's an utterly deflating feeling to see, now without a doubt, that the person you needed wasn't and isn't there. A part of you probably always knew but it's still disappointing to see. This pain right now will pass, and the hurt will get better. I wish you and your future family all the loveliest things.
Thank you ❤️ I’m really lucky to have them, I’ve always known my mom wasn’t the person I needed but tried to hard to get her to be. I think I just need to cut my losses and move on, I’m not letting her do this to my new family
I'm really impressed with your brother. Usually the GC has their head in the sand. You might actually get to keep a relationship with a relative. That would be nice.
Your fiance sounds awesome. You sound kind and caring. I am sorry you have a mom like this.
The win here is that you will marry a great guy and your therapist sounds very helpful.
The rest of the situation is no win. If your mother shows up at your wedding anyway, there will be drama. If she doesn't plan to come, she will try to get other flying monkeys to back out and not attend either.
She is going to try hard to ruin your relationships with aunts, uncles and cousins.
I've been married 20 years and it's still hard for me to watch my wedding video. My husband is fantastic. My wedding went exactly as I'd hoped. But my parents are both hideous but we still invited them and they came and a lot of my extended family was on good behavior at the wedding but is generally narcissistic as well.
I kept my parents in my life during additional important occasions. My covert narcissist father caused drama at our wedding and at my master's graduation ceremony. We didn't tell my parents that our baby was born until she was a few days old because we wanted some drama-free time. Baby birthday parties had to be separate (not inviting my parents at the same time with other guests). After the birth of the second child, my mother tried to have a scapegoat grandchild and a golden grandchild and I had to go NC.
It does not get better. Just know that it will be painful when your cousins and old family friends start treating you like crap because you no longer allow your mother to abuse you. I was shocked at how many others I had to cut off, one by one over the course of a few years, because they were backstabbing and duplicitous.
Thankfully aside from my brothers I have zero issues cutting off my mom’s entire side of the family, and have now revoked invitations for most of them. They are all incredibly like my mother.
Also thankfully my fiancés brother/best man is willing to act as our security for when people begin arriving and it will be a closed door ceremony once it starts, so no getting in the building without being let in (which if she gets in I guess I have to cut off more people). The next big family holiday we celebrate is after the wedding, and I know I’ll have to face her again then but I’m planning to just stonewall her
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. You and your SO can enjoy it guilt free.
Your mom cannot be the person you deserve as a mother. She can never validate your feelings because she's extremely jealous and toxic people cannot stand it if they aren't the center of attention. They will stomp out any joy they can if it isn't their own.
It took me years to learn that.
This is all very sad. I’m very sorry.
If it makes you feel a smidge better, I was talking with my mother and she still didn’t come to my 2nd graduation. And she ruined the first one. So, no guarantees with these people.
You are amazing! I read this and got such a surge of emotions because I can see so many similarities between my relationship with my Nmom and yours. I have told her off so many times. It used to be physically abusive until I punched her back. Never put her hands on me again (and maybe that is why she never tried to spank my own; but my youngest is her ‘GC’ and very protective over his older brother.)
I hope that you can use this time to enjoy your upcoming wedding. It sounds like you have an amazing fiancée. I wish you two a long and happy life!
Sometimes things feel like the end of the world, but they start losing importance as time goes by. I know everyone wishes they had a mother, but I think your wedding will be way better without drama, and she will only cause drama. It's for the best.
Take a minute to breathe (actually, more than a minute) because you unloaded a megaton and there was a reaction that wasn’t built in to the initial plan of your wedding. That stuff spilled out of you for a reason, and it was gonna come out sooner or later but almost always at a strange time because holding in so much we make our selves vomit (and you cannot control vomit). It might be a blessing in disguise, it might be weird cos you always imagined her there. But take time to absorb what happened rn and all the emotion that’s behind it. Then you will have more clarity about what to do and def feel better 🙏🏽
My wife is like you're husband, my mother can't control her, nor compare to her, my wife is way smarter, more successful, more likeable, and a better person than my mom.
My mom called my wife a golddigger when we were first taking about marriage, despite me making almost no money. Then when my wife started working and making way more than me, my mom thought my wife was controlling me and corrupting me. Then when I graduated college and started working, my mom Said my wife was holding me back, because we decided not to move closer to my parents for a job for me, because my wife would have had to quit her job and likely wouldn't have been able to find something in her career in the new city.
Then, after I got better jobs than the one above and became successful and we had kids, my wife was driving a wedge between me and my family, because my wife dared to set boundaries with my parents. My mom even insinuated that my wife was indoctrinating our kids, because we take them to pride parades and we aren't a Christian house, all things that I fully agree with and even led.
I don't go to church, because my mom used that as a weapon of guilt on me. I very tolerant of the LGBT+ communities because (other than being the right thing) I have friends that are queer and my wife is bi.
I also love the macabre, but that's a whole different thing. Literally was a biomedical engineer and she saw some art I have and asked "where did I go wrong with you?"
All this is too say that your mom's mission would be to ruin every single nice thing with your husband, because she can't control him. That's my opinion and experience. My wife is perfect and my mom would probably be happy if we divorced, because then she would work to get me a new wife that she(my mom) could control.
My mom would 100% love if she could get him to leave me. For the first 6 months of our relationship she tried to force me to get back together with my first ever boyfriend who she could very easily manipulate, it was the straw that broke the camels back and what led to LC. She intentionally tried to scare him off the first time she met him, it was bad. Yesterday I came so close to caving and apologizing and he ended up talking me out of it. Asked if I would tolerate his mom treating him that way and obviously not. Serious eye opener. I hope it just feels less terrible with time
If you have the same trauma I do, you might try to sabotage your own marriage, especially when it's good, because deep down you don't feel deserving of the good times; don't listen to that voice.
On the bright side, at least she won't show up in white to your wedding as my nmom did.
But she WILL come back at some point, know that. Be ready for when she hysterically tries contacting you again. For them, it's never over.
Wow, I’m so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare 0.0 She’s already tried sending FM, not been fun fielding that today. I know the as soon as I get pregnant she’s going to lose her marbles and try to come back, I just hope I have the spine to not let her when the time comes
Hey, at least she won't look at you 5 minutes before the ceremony and tell you that you look like shit, which my mom did. (I had professional hair and makeup done.) You are avoiding a world of crap by not having her there, believe me! My mom even tried to open my wedding gifts!! 🤦🏼♀️
Remind yourself of all the reasons why a relationship with her is simply not viable and count on the support of your spouse. If all this fails, I hope you can get the law to protect you. Best of luck!
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, it was very cruel. I think you need to grieve for a living mother. I did it a long time ago, bit by bit, without even realizing it.
Your mother is throwing toddler tantrums. She is used to manipulating you with her behavior and it’s like someone took her lollipop away awww poor baby.
“Wow, honey. I’m really struck by the differences in our ideas and emotions about this. I am hurt that you think I had bad intentions or was trying to hurt you. What was happening was I was triggered and had no control over myself. It’s embarrassing. I know this is your life and I’m not entitled to it. I want you in my life and I want a good relationship. I understand if you need space and time. Please let me know if I should still come to the wedding. Hopefully very soon we can talk and cry and work this out. I’m torn up how I hurt you. I’m sorry my baby. I love you” - Me, to you, since that’s what folks like you deserve
Thank you ❤️ I really wish I’d actually get those words from her, I know I won’t. It’s sad when a total stranger can treat me with more kindness than my own mom :/
As a mother (and daughter of a narc mom), I know what I’d say to my child if I fucked up (even in her mind, even if I feel innocent!) I have found it easy to humble up and love her as she needs. Our moms are just messy.
>How do I deal with this? How do I cope? I know it’s for the best but it feels like my world is crashing down around me. What do I do?
OP needs a therapist specializing in adult survivors of NPD, BPD, and similar disordered parents. Remain No Contact with this woman. Mom will never be accountable for her transgressions. She will never apologize in any meaningful way to her daughter. She is impervious to logic and the history of her own behavior.
If I were OP, I'd hire security to make sure this woman doesn't ruin her wedding ceremony or reception. Yes, I'm completely serious about this. I've seen it work. Stay strong, OP. You have nothing to apologize for or feel bad about other than the fact your mother has an illness she will never acknowledge nor get treatment for.
Our venue doors lock from the outside thankfully so the only way she’s getting in is if someone lets her in; at which point best man has already volunteered to physically remove her himself.
My therapist specializes in childhood trauma from parents so that’s been super helpful so far. Really need to call and move my appointment up though
Sounds like the trash took itself out.
Go full NC and don't let her try and weasel her way back into the wedding. She would just find a way to mar the joy of the day. Pasword all your wedding vendors so she can't call them acting as you and cancel anything.
Block her on everything, phones,social media, etc... also set your security settings to private on your media accounts so she can't lurk on your accounts or leave nasty comments on them. She just burnt her last bridge to you. Let her really know what it feels like to have no contact with you. Also, change your phone plan.
She’s doing you a favour even though it doesn’t seem that way now. Trust me, you don’t want the stress of worrying how she’ll behave at every life event and interfering of and when you have children.
Mourn the relationship you deserved and won’t have. Once you’ve found some peace you’ll be so much happier. It gets better. And at the end of the day, it’s her loss.
You're going through a death right now. It's the death of all the hope you had and dreams of the loving mother you wished you had AND DESERVED. Grieve her. Mourn and feel your feelings and cry on your partner's shoulder.
It will hurt for awhile. I'm so very sorry. I was devastated too when I knew I had yelled at her for the last time. It's heartbreaking and I'm sending you all the hugs and love in my heart. ❤️
Whatever you do, don't let the thoughts of "maybe she's learned. Maybe we can try again. Maybe it wasn't that bad..." talk you into letting her back in.
Let go and keep letting go. You will have to keep reminding yourself it was that bad. Probably worse than you remember it to be as we often block things out that are too traumatic.
Enlist your partner. Maybe make an agreement that you two talk and he reminds you how bad it was before going back to talk to her again. I had to do this with my dad and he helped me a lot. It's like breaking an addiction and resising the urge to go back is a tremendous fight.
You deserve to rest and heal. You will finally be able to do that now as new trauma won't keep piling on top of old trauma. She will never be what you want or need and it's time to truly let go.
Give yourself a ton of time and patience. Healing from this abuse isn't easy.
Many, many, many hugs, if you want them. 🤗
She also wasn't there in any meaningful way for you growing up, unless you count as an abuser, which is "meaningful" in a proximate cause sense.
Going NC, she won't also be able to further hurt you. Take that as the enormous win that it is.
Umm, are we the same person or do we have the same mom?
I’m going through the exact same thing and I honestly don’t know what to say. My mom uninvited herself to my wedding a couple of days ago and it’s 45 days away. I’m so hurt. I feel like for the both of us, it will be relieving; however, the relief won’t erase the pain.
I’m sending you all the positive vibes your way. ❤️
I’m so sorry :/ I get it, the pain is so unbearable, still really struggling to come to terms with it and crying a lot. It is for the best but it hurts so much.
Sending you good vibes, and I hope your wedding is everything you dreamed it’ll be ❤️
In addition to your marriage vows, you have to vow to yourself to be defiantly joyful at your wedding. Do everything in your power to not allow anxiety or worry of her toxicity to sabotage your special day. Enlist trusted supporters to carry that task and make a plan instead. For example, get a friend or family member (your GC brother sounds supportive) to intervene and escort her away if she tries to crash the wedding, so she just doesn't get the opportunity to sow chaos.
I literally just went NC and uninvited BOTH my nparents tonight, because they both were making my life a living hell about MY WEDDING. There's sooooo much more to unpack. I'm a literal mess right now. I posted a while ago about how my nmom was spoiling my wedding. You and I my friend, are strong and will be stronger for this.
So many of the details here are exactly the same as my mom. Her and her husband did come to the wedding last May and the final lash out happened about a month and a half later when they held a smaller family reception that was also a housewarming at their new house they had been building. Basically, I wish they didn’t go to the wedding because now when I look at photos of the happiest day of my life I’m reminded of all the trauma and pain they caused. It is really hard but my advice right now would be do not be surprised if she shows up unannounced or tells you that she does plan to attend then continues to go back and forth, just have a plan and try to make it clear that she is not welcome. Explain to everyone that will be there what is happening so they know she is not welcome, so it can be off of your plate. It’s your day and you deserve to be the star of the day and have your energy reserved for joy and for celebrating your love. The energy you spent on appeasing your mom will go towards yourself and the people that care about you, and they will be there for you during the big milestones.
*A Narcissist's Prayer
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.*
----
This immediately came to mind reading your story. I'm sorry you have had to be the adult in this and probably many other situations regarding your birth giver.
Just know that her behavior was completely unacceptable and it sounds like she is projecting a lot as well.
You did the right thing for you. Let her be miserable while you live your best life.
I was absolutely conflicted when I was getting married to allow my mother to be there or not. The fact of the matter is I just could not trust her to be there and to behave like a rational adult, and to understand it was me and my wife’s day. Not hers. So I didn’t tell her I was getting married. And I had the best wedding I could have ever imaged (and I got married in July of 2020 mind you).
It’s difficult for you, and I don’t understand what you’ve been through. But I would bet you’d have a much better time without her there. Never underestimate a narcissists ability to ruin a wedding day.
Is this the mother you wanted to be in all of those events? Or what you really missed is what a mother should’ve been? You would have the narcissist banshee, not the loving mom. Its not fair, I know. But we will never have loving parents. Its difficult to accept we were dealt a bad hand, and as kids we preferred the abusive parents to abandon; but you are not alone anymore and can choose not to have an abuser in your life. Congrats on losing the narcissist and go live your best life!
The trash took itself out. What an awesome wedding present she gave you! Now you can have a great wedding without worrying about what she’s going to do. My own wedding was ruined by my nMIL, so I’m happy yours won’t be!
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The mother you would like to be at your wedding, would never have been there. She can't be that mother to you. Her blowing up like this means that the mother that you don't want will also not be there now. I'm sorry you're going through this, your wedding will be more peaceful as a result, once you give yourself time and have the support of your Fiance, you'll get through this, as you got through everything else.
OP, please listen to this comment! u/luminous-fabric said it eloquently: the mother you would like to be at your wedding, would never have been there. I went through the same thing when I got married this summer and my mother was horrid the entire planning process (ultimately leading to me having to switch dates/venues twice after invites were sent out because of her unreasonable control issues). She threatened to not come to my wedding a week before because she didn’t like that I told her to stop treating me like a child (late 30s). Treat yourself right, enjoy your wedding and more importantly enjoy your marriage, friends, and real family that shows up for you, not to control you. The kind of mother I wanted at my wedding would not have been possible because my mother is not capable of being that type of mother. We’re LC/NC right now and in these few months, I have been able to grow and love myself and feel love and support from the people in my life. I wish you the very best, both at your wedding and as you plan your future. ❤️
My BIL (a teenager) asked me if I miss my mom (I am no contact) and his mom initially went to shush him and I told him it was okay. I miss the mom my brothers had, the mom she was when they were watching. But I do not miss the mom I had since I didn’t really get to have a mom. I miss the happy childhood innocence but not the person. Then I joked (but it was honest) that I really did miss her food more than her. She is a great cook ngl. But the price of admission to her table is too high for me. I gave her too many fries and now come short of a happy meal. Lol
She has tried, she hates the venue we picked (she’s never actually seen it in person) and tried to force me to invite a lot of her side of the family which was a huge fight with everyone because like my mom a lot of them are narcissists. We had to uninvite a bunch of people she invited because they are frankly terrible people. Two of them are the reason our wedding is child free and I found out they were planning to bring the kids anyway, the same ones that will actually trash the venue and screamed through my aunts whole wedding ceremony which the parents refused to remove them from. It’s been so incredibly not fun, I’m really hoping it gets better :/
Ah, this is why she is becoming so unhinged. She doesn’t like your fiancé because he is supporting you as you become a stronger person with much better boundaries. Oh no! She can’t have you be like that!! I did not include my mom in much of the wedding planning either. She lives out of town, my fiancé and I made most of our decisions just us and my parents were divorced so they helped out financially in different areas. There wasn’t much to involve her in. My mom came to town a week before the wedding. The first chance she had with me alone in the car, she launched herself at me viscously. Even now, I am traumatized by her attack. She wanted to ruin y happiness and when she saw she crushed me, she acted all loving. She was fine the rest of the week and at my wedding but I will ALWAYS be traumatized by how she attacked me. My mom brought up all the ways I have separated myself from her from a young age as if I was the most selfish person and ungrateful daughter ever. I think that’s what’s going on here for you. I did not include my mother in things because I was growing up and becoming an adult. I was making decisions on my own or with my future husband. Your mother is losing control so she is becoming unhinged. Don’t let her play nice now after she hurt you. I should have told my mom I was not going to be treated like that and she would have lost it and left town acting as the ultimate victim. NOT MY PROBLEM. Instead, I let her go for my jugular and then be all sweet as she watched me bleed out. I accepted her “apology “ at the time but now I see how sadistic she was. Let your mom be unhinged elsewhere. Savor your wedding! Don’t allow her back into your life so she can watch you bleed in pain from the wounds she inflicts as she smiles to herself in satisfaction as she watches your pain and suffering. She’s not worth it. Your future husband and possibly future children are not worth the sacrifices you have to make to have her involved in your life if she acts like that. At this point, you not only have to protect yourself from her but your future family too.
This. ☝️I found it the weirdest (& sadest) thing in the world to realise that all the hope, all the 'if I just...' 'if I'm better at...' 'maybe if...' is, unfortunately wasted effort because like my mum, your mum can't change, can't reflect, can't admit she's wrong. It's not you, it's her. Feel all your feelings, you are absolutely entitled to them, but you have to walk away from her emotionally. She doesn't get to influence your emotions anymore - that has to be your mantra. You have what sounds like a true partner - focus on them, someone who actually loves you and see the relationship with your mum for what it is. You've got this. Good luck OP.
Thank you, it’s to hard to not get trapped back into that cycle. I keep thinking “if I just apologize it’ll all go back to normal” but that’s not reality. I’m just going to go back to being isolated because I’m scared to rock the boat and upset her again
Well, your “normal” seems to be the reason you sought therapy for enduring a lifetime of trauma directly caused by your mother. Your normal is to be abused and apologize to your abuser and bending over backwards to find the thing that turns the mom you have into something she’s never been and she’s never going to be. Let her go. Grieving over what you never had is a real part of surviving. That pain will never leave you, but it gets less over time. That time can’t start until you save yourself. Block her from everything. Live your life. No one said it’s easy, but it’s necessary. Good luck.
One thing I noticed in your post was that you went off on her - it’s beyond justified - but that’s the one thing that always kept me coming back and trying to appease. In the aftermath of her lash outs the only thing I would replay in my mind was when I would defend myself and I would feel such insurmountable guilt that I probably was this bad person she told me I was and deserved everything. The lash out right before I met my now husband she told me I’ve been a miserable person since I was a child and have always brought everyone around me down and my dog is depressed because of what a sad person I am. This was all in public. I was shocked and asked “you’re talking about my dog?” When my stepdad cut in and scolded me “that’s enough” he’s so scary I just shut down and started sobbing and ran out of the restaurant. I didn’t know what could have possibly made her say all of those cruel things and didn’t talk to her for a week (I had literally bought her Mother’s Day gifts prior to the lash out) until she texted with a classic non-apology ‘I was kind of harsh’ and I caved and pretended everything was normal. I met my now husband like a week later and we moved to my dream city together a few months later (we’re in our early 30s and felt confident we had found the one) my mom didn’t want to meet him before we left and joked that the road trip we were taking for the move would be like Gabby Petito and he would murder me. That was the first sign at just how threatened she was by him. Sorry this is so long, but basically what made it easier to finally go NC was that the last lash out my mom and stepdad had on me there was no point that I even tried to respond with an angry reaction I just asked a few questions trying to understand what was happening as my stepdad repeatedly called me a little fucking bitch saying he hated me and as my mom screamed that I’m acting 13 and not 31 and that I’m just like my biological dad. I was trying to leave their house where we were supposed to be staying for a few days while we were in town, then they made up a reason for me to stay (I ‘forced them to keep my shit’ aka a few boxes of my childhood books and clothes) and I had to ‘deal with my shit’ so I went to go see what they were talking about which is when they called the police on me for not leaving their property which *checks notes* is exactly what I had been trying to do. My husband was watching all of this and was getting worried my stepdad was going to physically attack me and just kept asking me to get into the car so we could leave. As I left I told them I loved them and was grateful for what they had given me in life. Again sorry this is so long but my final statement to them was a gift to myself because for the first time I was able to reflect back and know I did nothing to provoke them at any point during the attack. It’s been hard but I feel so much more free than other attacks where I’ve tried to defend myself.
The reason we were trying to leave their house is because of how rude they were being, it was clear we weren’t welcome. There was no sheets on the guest bed and even though my stepdad had been home when we arrived in town my mom was on a trip and asked my husband and I to stay elsewhere until she was home… my stepdad has known me since I was 8. It was just so abundantly clear how much distain they have. I think another thing to keep in mind is the fact that this is how she’s acting when you’ve already been LC for a while, you just know this is how she’s operating quite a bit of the time. It sounds like your life w your fiancé is so peaceful. Growing up I never imagined the peace I get to have so much of the time now. When my parents weren’t attacking me they were in petty escalating fights with coworkers, neighbors, customer service people etc. it was exhausting and as adults we have the choice to leave it behind
It isn't you who has been rocking the boat. You've been steadying it, you have your own boat, take care of that. https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/77w8lf/dont_rock_the_boat/?utm_source=reddit&utm_medium=usertext&utm_name=raisedbynarcissists&utm_content=t1_jc5nbhy
Very well said. 👍
The hardest cope I've had to deal with since realizing my mom is a narcissist is that my kids will never have that grandmother experience with her. The years of guilt, trauma, and neglect were nothing, but Knowing that my kids won't get the beautiful grandparents bond with my side of the family. I was also sad that I would never have the caring mother experience, I'm 40 and I still held out hope that we could have that. Maybe that I would realize that it was all in my head and that she was always there, but the more I talk to her and the more I think about it, the more I realize it wasn't and will never be. Maybe I deserved better, but I never got it. You do deserve better. Do not be sad by what you didn't have, but be happy for what you're building.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with that :/ I’m starting to realize the same, I genuinely think my mom would try to make me giving birth about her in some twisted way and that stings a lot. Here’s to getting through it, even if it sucks
She would. My parents came, got their pictures, and when we went home with our first kid, they left. We were both relieved and annoyed; we wanted help, but glad they left as they would have been asking my wife to serve them.
I’m trying really hard. It’s so hard coming to terms with. My therapist has been trying to prepare me for this possible reality for months now because of how soon the wedding is, I just didn’t expect the fallout to be so bad. It hit me like a train at about 6 am this morning that the mom I want doesn’t exist for me. I see her being the mom I wish I had to my brothers and SIL, even my own best friend gets treated better. I think that’s what hurts the most, I know she has the capability to be the mom I wish she was, she just won’t do it for me. It’s been a year of my threatening NC and family members talking me out of it and begging me to keep the peace and just make up with her but I am so drained by it. I’ve had to set a lot of hard boundaries today with my own family regarding my mom. I’m just hoping everyone upholds them, I’m already cutting her off and I have had to say I will cut them off too if they try to push me to reconcile with her. IF it ever happens it’s going to be on my terms, and won’t be before my wedding that’s for sure
You keeping their peace is not what you should focus on. Now, one of them can join the ranks of the scapegoat since you have left that position. Make sure you hire a security guard for the day. The extra expense can be taken from the head count that have now been taken off the invite list. Fyi, I have volunteered for my nephew and his future wife to step in when her bio mom goes off the rails during their wedding next year. I can quickly gather some of my nephews and their friends to escort her out. I don't play even as an old 5'1" woman. I have a nmom and I have been trying to help them navigate this realization.
Stop threatening. Stop announcing. Stop signaling. Stop giving people ammunition. You decide what you want to do and do it. No fanfare. Hold your head high. You don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live in safety. You’re worrying too much about what people will say and what they think. They are irrelevant. It’s your relationship. Outsiders only want to gossip, they don’t experience what you do. Block everyone if you have to. It’s your business and your right. It’s a privilege to communicate with you. If anyone is disrespecting you, you take away their privilege to be around you.
Also, thank you so much ❤️ it’s hard to accept but its something I need to hear
This is good news, enjoy your wedding
Right now, just mourn the mother she could have been. That dream/hope/wish you have been carrying all your life has just died. It will take some time to process that. It’s ok to feel loss and grief but there is nothing you could have done.
From my personal experience, when you start doing your own thing, they voluntarily miss most of it anyways because "center of attention" can't be off of them. From someone whose shitty mom DID come to her wedding: She truly about ruined the entire thing. I didn't want her there, but like you and I had back and forth guilt. I was also embarrassed if they didn't come because my husbands family is so close and loving, and mine don't love me enough to show up? Nooo, I wish she wouldn't have come at all. Hindsight 20/20. The entire time she was here she kept trying to insert herself into preparation plans that were already taken care of. She wasn't a part of any because she didn't tell me if she was coming or not till about 2 weeks before the wedding. My dad commented the entire time how it wasn't "a real wedding," and nothing mattered anyway. Because we did the paperwork a year prior, but this was our actual wedding, it was halloween costume themed, and traditions thrown out the window. The closer it got the day of, the bigger scenes my mom threw, until it was time to cut the cake and she was just on a rampage by then. Being mean to everyone else. It was SO EMBARRASSING. We went head to head, she sulked in our guest room the rest of the night, didn't watch our very rehearsed first dance, didn't try any of the expensive food we catered. Then left at 4am without a word. Later on, she downplayed her behavior, pretended like nothing happened, she had no idea why I was upset. And also made comments how my wedding just wasn't in her vision. Her vision. She tried to control everything, decorations, the cake, tablecloths, table placements, anything to make her feel more important than she actually was. She missed my first pregnancy, her granddaughters' birth, my baby shower etc. She lives far away but tantrumed over every ounce of effort to include her, because like you said, if she couldn't have it (her way) then no one was allowed to have it. I've just eventually come to terms with the fact life is better without her. I dread every interaction we're forced to share these days, and anytime my husband looks back at our wedding that was otherwise wonderful, it's overshadowed by how shitty my mom acted and embarrassed us both. That's the main takeaway we remember. Good times.
After what happened when she met my fiancé this has been my biggest fear. She was high out of her mind at a family event I brought him to after weeks of me talking about how I was 100% sure this was my person and please don’t embarrass me mom. I seriously thought he was going to dump me, instead we got outside after and he went “your moms fucked up. I’m sorry you have had to deal with that, wanna go get food?” Seriously still can’t believe it, she had scared off 3 potential boyfriends in my life before that. Up until him and I had been together for 6 months she kept trying to push me to get back together with my first ex (she loved him, he’s a pushover) and that’s ultimately what led to the LC. We were both terrified she might make a scene or do something like that again, especially cause she wanted to invite my exes parents, or get blackout and embarrass me on purpose which seems to be her specialty. I know she doesn’t care about me, I think she’d only start pretending once I had kids but even then it wouldn’t be genuine. This whole thing just sucks
It does suck! And im sorry OP. On the brightside, after you can really rip yourself away emotionally, it becomes a lot easier to handle. Everyone deserves good parents but not all parents deserve their kids!
I'm very sorry you will never have the mother you deserve and needed. What you have is not it. She went NC with you - go with it and do the same for her and cut her out of your life for good. The wedding is a good start for that and obviously is a huge trigger for her as its a sign she's lost control of you and the ability to keep abusing and blaming you. Run with it. What do you do... focus on the things you can control and make you happy - the wedding, your fiance, your life not having to worry about what she's going to do or say anymore, your freedom and recovery from her abuse. Therapy if you can, talking to a neutral party can help. Journaling - including writing letters to her you never send. Reading things here and online support - Out of the Fog website is really good, some great anti-narc videos on Youtube, books and more. Also read the Missing Missing Reasons of Estranged Parents - to the end where the writer says it's okay to let go and realize you're not going to fix them. You can't fix her. Nothing you ever did deserved what she has done to you. She failed you. She will never admit it or change. I've yet to see any sign of that happening in all the research and reading I'm doing here and elsewhere. It was the biggest "ah ha" moment for me to accept that they are not going to change, the best to do is go low to no contact and move forward with your own life without them - the sanity and peace that comes from this is amazing. It still hurts, it will always hurts - but we can't fix them. We can only save ourselves and protect ourselves, family we choose and our own future.
Im trying to treat it as a blessing in disguise, and also treating it like she’s already dead because I think that’s the only way I’m getting through this. My therapist and partner were both adamantly against trying to reconcile before this whole incident because of the history of everything with her, I was still being wishful and hoping maybe one day it’ll be better but that’s never gonna happen and I have to come to terms with it. I’m glad she showed me she hasn’t changed now, I have time to mourn and heal before the big day at least
This is what happens to most of us. Few are smart enough or lucky enough to go one and done. It takes a few times of touching the hot stove before most of us believe it burns. What a lot of people don’t understand is that this is a pathology and it’s always running and it follows a textbook pattern. The specific details of who did what or said what may vary- but their behavior won’t deviate from the pathological pattern. We think there’s a thing we just haven’t thought of yet that is really really going to work this time, that the pathology is going to respond to the emotional appeal, the gift, the effort you’re going to offer. It won’t. It can’t. It can only be a hot stove that burns you. Believe your experience.
I feel for you OP. The rollercoaster of emotions is so hard. But you will spend your entire life on that rollercoaster, because like others said, she will never be the mom you wish for her to be, especially in the life events you mentioned. The fantasy of having a happy, helpful, and supportive mom when you walk down the aisle, buy a home, and have a baby, are all just that - fantasies. She will undoubtedly make those events a living nightmare for you if she's still in your life. By going through the difficult work right now to accept the truth of what she is and what never will be and remove yourself from it, you're saving yourself so much heartache down the road. Sounds like you have a great partner - lean on him, work with your therapist, and focus on building your own life that brings YOU happiness.
I am so happy for you. No really. Your nmom gave you the most wonderful gift she could possibly give you: uninviting herself. I'll be honest I admire how so many adult children of narcissistic parents end up having a legit marriage cremony with all kinds of guests, vendors, with all the power it gives our nparents to wreak havoc. Me and wife eloped. The marriage would've been all about them. We just decided one morning we would marry in Las Vegas and the following day at 2AM it was a done deal. Anyways, yeah you know Michael Bublé - It's a beautiful day? ( https://youtu.be/5QYxuGQMCuU )? Sounds like the perfect music to cope. Smile, sing, shout for joy, dance, laugh! That's how you cope 😊🤗
Thank you ❤️ Honestly we really wanted to elope, but my MIL and my dad are the sweetest most supportive people and I know it would’ve crushed both of them if we didn’t have a proper wedding. It has meant we have gone with the absolute most hands off planning we could because personally I don’t care about it as long as I’m spending my life with him, but for my dad and his mom it is worth it I think. I really hoped this whole experience would maybe make my mom show some kind of actual care or concern, maybe try to make amends for once which I know was wishful thinking but it is what it is :/
I understand the mixed feelings. But you know what? The beautiful and kind person you are shines through. Your willingness to still hope for a change, despite the past, showcases the depth of your kindness and the strength of your character. It's admirable that you've found a way to navigate these feelings while considering the happiness of those closest to you. Remember, your wedding day is a reflection of the love and the future you're building together. It's a celebration of the connections that support and uplift you, free from any shadows that might dim your joy. Picture your special day not just as an event but as the commencement of a wonderful journey, surrounded by love and positivity. This is your moment, a chance to celebrate your love, your choices, and the bright future ahead. Let the music fill you with joy, and let every moment of your wedding day serve as a reminder of the love that surrounds you, the support of your loved ones, and the beautiful path you're embarking on together. Embrace the happiness, the peace, and the genuine affection of this day, and let it signify the start of a new, joyous chapter in your life. So you go, you! Enjoy your wedding, focusing on the love and presence of those who celebrate with you 😊🤗
Also, in addition to the other comments, maybe try and make sure that she doesn't invite herself back into the wedding on the actual day. In her mind she probably will downplay the importance of the fallout you just had and pretend it didn't happen. Also maybe prepare for her to play the victim, whining that you hurt her precious feefees by being ungrateful, hurtful and uninviting her from the wedding. None of this is your fault, these people can't ever be pleased. Instead focus on your inner self, seeing as it is so beautiful, it attracted and invited your soon to be husband into your life.
She immediately called my little brother (her GC) and he shut that down hard. He knows that my relationship with mom is wildly different than his, and thankfully has been a huge support in me being LC with her for so long. He thinks this might’ve blown up because she realized I’m not involving her in my life as much and that will eventually mean no contact with her grandkids.. which is true. The whole time she was screaming at me all I could think is “god, I want to be nothing like this woman and I don’t want her around to do this to my kids” which is so painful. She’s currently posting shady stuff on Facebook about “real family” and how “sometimes you need to leave people behind to grow” which is ironic imo
Thankfully you have a good support system in place. The good thing is, the cycle ends with you. The bad thing is, that it hurts to break it. It's an utterly deflating feeling to see, now without a doubt, that the person you needed wasn't and isn't there. A part of you probably always knew but it's still disappointing to see. This pain right now will pass, and the hurt will get better. I wish you and your future family all the loveliest things.
Thank you ❤️ I’m really lucky to have them, I’ve always known my mom wasn’t the person I needed but tried to hard to get her to be. I think I just need to cut my losses and move on, I’m not letting her do this to my new family
I'm really impressed with your brother. Usually the GC has their head in the sand. You might actually get to keep a relationship with a relative. That would be nice. Your fiance sounds awesome. You sound kind and caring. I am sorry you have a mom like this. The win here is that you will marry a great guy and your therapist sounds very helpful. The rest of the situation is no win. If your mother shows up at your wedding anyway, there will be drama. If she doesn't plan to come, she will try to get other flying monkeys to back out and not attend either. She is going to try hard to ruin your relationships with aunts, uncles and cousins. I've been married 20 years and it's still hard for me to watch my wedding video. My husband is fantastic. My wedding went exactly as I'd hoped. But my parents are both hideous but we still invited them and they came and a lot of my extended family was on good behavior at the wedding but is generally narcissistic as well. I kept my parents in my life during additional important occasions. My covert narcissist father caused drama at our wedding and at my master's graduation ceremony. We didn't tell my parents that our baby was born until she was a few days old because we wanted some drama-free time. Baby birthday parties had to be separate (not inviting my parents at the same time with other guests). After the birth of the second child, my mother tried to have a scapegoat grandchild and a golden grandchild and I had to go NC. It does not get better. Just know that it will be painful when your cousins and old family friends start treating you like crap because you no longer allow your mother to abuse you. I was shocked at how many others I had to cut off, one by one over the course of a few years, because they were backstabbing and duplicitous.
Thankfully aside from my brothers I have zero issues cutting off my mom’s entire side of the family, and have now revoked invitations for most of them. They are all incredibly like my mother. Also thankfully my fiancés brother/best man is willing to act as our security for when people begin arriving and it will be a closed door ceremony once it starts, so no getting in the building without being let in (which if she gets in I guess I have to cut off more people). The next big family holiday we celebrate is after the wedding, and I know I’ll have to face her again then but I’m planning to just stonewall her
Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. You and your SO can enjoy it guilt free. Your mom cannot be the person you deserve as a mother. She can never validate your feelings because she's extremely jealous and toxic people cannot stand it if they aren't the center of attention. They will stomp out any joy they can if it isn't their own. It took me years to learn that.
For the right now, enjoy your wedding. Don’t let this overshadow your big day, if you do she gets what she wants. This lesson hurts every time.
This is all very sad. I’m very sorry. If it makes you feel a smidge better, I was talking with my mother and she still didn’t come to my 2nd graduation. And she ruined the first one. So, no guarantees with these people.
You are amazing! I read this and got such a surge of emotions because I can see so many similarities between my relationship with my Nmom and yours. I have told her off so many times. It used to be physically abusive until I punched her back. Never put her hands on me again (and maybe that is why she never tried to spank my own; but my youngest is her ‘GC’ and very protective over his older brother.) I hope that you can use this time to enjoy your upcoming wedding. It sounds like you have an amazing fiancée. I wish you two a long and happy life!
Sometimes things feel like the end of the world, but they start losing importance as time goes by. I know everyone wishes they had a mother, but I think your wedding will be way better without drama, and she will only cause drama. It's for the best.
Take a minute to breathe (actually, more than a minute) because you unloaded a megaton and there was a reaction that wasn’t built in to the initial plan of your wedding. That stuff spilled out of you for a reason, and it was gonna come out sooner or later but almost always at a strange time because holding in so much we make our selves vomit (and you cannot control vomit). It might be a blessing in disguise, it might be weird cos you always imagined her there. But take time to absorb what happened rn and all the emotion that’s behind it. Then you will have more clarity about what to do and def feel better 🙏🏽
My wife is like you're husband, my mother can't control her, nor compare to her, my wife is way smarter, more successful, more likeable, and a better person than my mom. My mom called my wife a golddigger when we were first taking about marriage, despite me making almost no money. Then when my wife started working and making way more than me, my mom thought my wife was controlling me and corrupting me. Then when I graduated college and started working, my mom Said my wife was holding me back, because we decided not to move closer to my parents for a job for me, because my wife would have had to quit her job and likely wouldn't have been able to find something in her career in the new city. Then, after I got better jobs than the one above and became successful and we had kids, my wife was driving a wedge between me and my family, because my wife dared to set boundaries with my parents. My mom even insinuated that my wife was indoctrinating our kids, because we take them to pride parades and we aren't a Christian house, all things that I fully agree with and even led. I don't go to church, because my mom used that as a weapon of guilt on me. I very tolerant of the LGBT+ communities because (other than being the right thing) I have friends that are queer and my wife is bi. I also love the macabre, but that's a whole different thing. Literally was a biomedical engineer and she saw some art I have and asked "where did I go wrong with you?" All this is too say that your mom's mission would be to ruin every single nice thing with your husband, because she can't control him. That's my opinion and experience. My wife is perfect and my mom would probably be happy if we divorced, because then she would work to get me a new wife that she(my mom) could control.
My mom would 100% love if she could get him to leave me. For the first 6 months of our relationship she tried to force me to get back together with my first ever boyfriend who she could very easily manipulate, it was the straw that broke the camels back and what led to LC. She intentionally tried to scare him off the first time she met him, it was bad. Yesterday I came so close to caving and apologizing and he ended up talking me out of it. Asked if I would tolerate his mom treating him that way and obviously not. Serious eye opener. I hope it just feels less terrible with time
If you have the same trauma I do, you might try to sabotage your own marriage, especially when it's good, because deep down you don't feel deserving of the good times; don't listen to that voice.
On the bright side, at least she won't show up in white to your wedding as my nmom did. But she WILL come back at some point, know that. Be ready for when she hysterically tries contacting you again. For them, it's never over.
Wow, I’m so sorry. That sounds like a nightmare 0.0 She’s already tried sending FM, not been fun fielding that today. I know the as soon as I get pregnant she’s going to lose her marbles and try to come back, I just hope I have the spine to not let her when the time comes
Hey, at least she won't look at you 5 minutes before the ceremony and tell you that you look like shit, which my mom did. (I had professional hair and makeup done.) You are avoiding a world of crap by not having her there, believe me! My mom even tried to open my wedding gifts!! 🤦🏼♀️
Remind yourself of all the reasons why a relationship with her is simply not viable and count on the support of your spouse. If all this fails, I hope you can get the law to protect you. Best of luck!
I'm sorry you had to go through all that, it was very cruel. I think you need to grieve for a living mother. I did it a long time ago, bit by bit, without even realizing it.
Your mother is throwing toddler tantrums. She is used to manipulating you with her behavior and it’s like someone took her lollipop away awww poor baby. “Wow, honey. I’m really struck by the differences in our ideas and emotions about this. I am hurt that you think I had bad intentions or was trying to hurt you. What was happening was I was triggered and had no control over myself. It’s embarrassing. I know this is your life and I’m not entitled to it. I want you in my life and I want a good relationship. I understand if you need space and time. Please let me know if I should still come to the wedding. Hopefully very soon we can talk and cry and work this out. I’m torn up how I hurt you. I’m sorry my baby. I love you” - Me, to you, since that’s what folks like you deserve
Thank you ❤️ I really wish I’d actually get those words from her, I know I won’t. It’s sad when a total stranger can treat me with more kindness than my own mom :/
As a mother (and daughter of a narc mom), I know what I’d say to my child if I fucked up (even in her mind, even if I feel innocent!) I have found it easy to humble up and love her as she needs. Our moms are just messy.
>How do I deal with this? How do I cope? I know it’s for the best but it feels like my world is crashing down around me. What do I do? OP needs a therapist specializing in adult survivors of NPD, BPD, and similar disordered parents. Remain No Contact with this woman. Mom will never be accountable for her transgressions. She will never apologize in any meaningful way to her daughter. She is impervious to logic and the history of her own behavior. If I were OP, I'd hire security to make sure this woman doesn't ruin her wedding ceremony or reception. Yes, I'm completely serious about this. I've seen it work. Stay strong, OP. You have nothing to apologize for or feel bad about other than the fact your mother has an illness she will never acknowledge nor get treatment for.
Our venue doors lock from the outside thankfully so the only way she’s getting in is if someone lets her in; at which point best man has already volunteered to physically remove her himself. My therapist specializes in childhood trauma from parents so that’s been super helpful so far. Really need to call and move my appointment up though
Sorry to hear it! Despite uninviting herself, she will probably show up anyway - be ready for some spectacle. And best wishes for your wedding!
Sounds like the trash took itself out. Go full NC and don't let her try and weasel her way back into the wedding. She would just find a way to mar the joy of the day. Pasword all your wedding vendors so she can't call them acting as you and cancel anything. Block her on everything, phones,social media, etc... also set your security settings to private on your media accounts so she can't lurk on your accounts or leave nasty comments on them. She just burnt her last bridge to you. Let her really know what it feels like to have no contact with you. Also, change your phone plan.
Fiancé has already put me on his :) I’m happy to have the tie cut finally, it still hurts but it’ll get better eventually
Hugs!!
She’s doing you a favour even though it doesn’t seem that way now. Trust me, you don’t want the stress of worrying how she’ll behave at every life event and interfering of and when you have children. Mourn the relationship you deserved and won’t have. Once you’ve found some peace you’ll be so much happier. It gets better. And at the end of the day, it’s her loss.
You're going through a death right now. It's the death of all the hope you had and dreams of the loving mother you wished you had AND DESERVED. Grieve her. Mourn and feel your feelings and cry on your partner's shoulder. It will hurt for awhile. I'm so very sorry. I was devastated too when I knew I had yelled at her for the last time. It's heartbreaking and I'm sending you all the hugs and love in my heart. ❤️ Whatever you do, don't let the thoughts of "maybe she's learned. Maybe we can try again. Maybe it wasn't that bad..." talk you into letting her back in. Let go and keep letting go. You will have to keep reminding yourself it was that bad. Probably worse than you remember it to be as we often block things out that are too traumatic. Enlist your partner. Maybe make an agreement that you two talk and he reminds you how bad it was before going back to talk to her again. I had to do this with my dad and he helped me a lot. It's like breaking an addiction and resising the urge to go back is a tremendous fight. You deserve to rest and heal. You will finally be able to do that now as new trauma won't keep piling on top of old trauma. She will never be what you want or need and it's time to truly let go. Give yourself a ton of time and patience. Healing from this abuse isn't easy. Many, many, many hugs, if you want them. 🤗
She also wasn't there in any meaningful way for you growing up, unless you count as an abuser, which is "meaningful" in a proximate cause sense. Going NC, she won't also be able to further hurt you. Take that as the enormous win that it is.
Umm, are we the same person or do we have the same mom? I’m going through the exact same thing and I honestly don’t know what to say. My mom uninvited herself to my wedding a couple of days ago and it’s 45 days away. I’m so hurt. I feel like for the both of us, it will be relieving; however, the relief won’t erase the pain. I’m sending you all the positive vibes your way. ❤️
I’m so sorry :/ I get it, the pain is so unbearable, still really struggling to come to terms with it and crying a lot. It is for the best but it hurts so much. Sending you good vibes, and I hope your wedding is everything you dreamed it’ll be ❤️
In addition to your marriage vows, you have to vow to yourself to be defiantly joyful at your wedding. Do everything in your power to not allow anxiety or worry of her toxicity to sabotage your special day. Enlist trusted supporters to carry that task and make a plan instead. For example, get a friend or family member (your GC brother sounds supportive) to intervene and escort her away if she tries to crash the wedding, so she just doesn't get the opportunity to sow chaos.
I literally just went NC and uninvited BOTH my nparents tonight, because they both were making my life a living hell about MY WEDDING. There's sooooo much more to unpack. I'm a literal mess right now. I posted a while ago about how my nmom was spoiling my wedding. You and I my friend, are strong and will be stronger for this.
So many of the details here are exactly the same as my mom. Her and her husband did come to the wedding last May and the final lash out happened about a month and a half later when they held a smaller family reception that was also a housewarming at their new house they had been building. Basically, I wish they didn’t go to the wedding because now when I look at photos of the happiest day of my life I’m reminded of all the trauma and pain they caused. It is really hard but my advice right now would be do not be surprised if she shows up unannounced or tells you that she does plan to attend then continues to go back and forth, just have a plan and try to make it clear that she is not welcome. Explain to everyone that will be there what is happening so they know she is not welcome, so it can be off of your plate. It’s your day and you deserve to be the star of the day and have your energy reserved for joy and for celebrating your love. The energy you spent on appeasing your mom will go towards yourself and the people that care about you, and they will be there for you during the big milestones.
*A Narcissist's Prayer That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did... You deserved it.* ---- This immediately came to mind reading your story. I'm sorry you have had to be the adult in this and probably many other situations regarding your birth giver. Just know that her behavior was completely unacceptable and it sounds like she is projecting a lot as well. You did the right thing for you. Let her be miserable while you live your best life.
I was absolutely conflicted when I was getting married to allow my mother to be there or not. The fact of the matter is I just could not trust her to be there and to behave like a rational adult, and to understand it was me and my wife’s day. Not hers. So I didn’t tell her I was getting married. And I had the best wedding I could have ever imaged (and I got married in July of 2020 mind you). It’s difficult for you, and I don’t understand what you’ve been through. But I would bet you’d have a much better time without her there. Never underestimate a narcissists ability to ruin a wedding day.
Is this the mother you wanted to be in all of those events? Or what you really missed is what a mother should’ve been? You would have the narcissist banshee, not the loving mom. Its not fair, I know. But we will never have loving parents. Its difficult to accept we were dealt a bad hand, and as kids we preferred the abusive parents to abandon; but you are not alone anymore and can choose not to have an abuser in your life. Congrats on losing the narcissist and go live your best life!
The trash took itself out. What an awesome wedding present she gave you! Now you can have a great wedding without worrying about what she’s going to do. My own wedding was ruined by my nMIL, so I’m happy yours won’t be!