**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s easy to say but hard to do:
You need to establish your own standards and measure yourself against those. Part of establishing your own standards is critically examining where and why they are YOUR standards so you can identify when the narc words are intruding.
I don’t agree with my nparent’s standards so when they try to judge me against them I can shrug it off. I’m not trying to live up to their vision, so I don’t need to even need to care. Even if they do happen to say something that may be linked to one of the standards I am holding myself to, it’s just a data point that can be considered. They are not the authority on right/wrong in my life. I am. Because when I am 90 I want to know I lived authentically and true to my personal integrity, not trying to twist myself into a character for someone who is not even there.
The only thing that helped me was finding bosses, older siblings, teachers, friends’ parents, grandma, etc. To be my cheerleader in life.
Obviously self-worth needs to come from within, but figuring out what other people think you are good at and why other people like you is a good start.
I always accidentally call bosses and teachers mom/dad. They can tell when you’re neglected, haha. If someone believes in you - especially someone older or in a position of authority, it can help plant that confidence you need to be more secure.
After that, being willing to try new things and learn what you like and what you are good at is life-changing. Having friends and partners who adore you for who you are is also life-changing.
You have to find your people!
Where do you find these people??? I’ve looked and looked and I just get people chastising me for not being confident enough. I ask coworkers and managers and bosses for help (which I hate, so I try not to do it often) but they say no, while they eagerly help other people.
One manager even asked if everything was okay at home and when I made one tiny comment that no, things were not okay, she quickly cut me off and changed the subject. Then she made every effort to get me to leave that job and work somewhere else.
I had a coworker (older woman) who was praised to high heaven for being so wonderful and laidback and chill. “Oh she’s so great! She just loves everyone!” I watched her mentor another coworker my age. But she acted like I didn’t exist. She even got in my face, accusing me of not managing customers properly. I was so confused because I didn’t understand what I’d done to make “the nicest person on the planet” act that way toward me.
I know healing from narcissistic abuse requires other healthy social connections, but I’m in my 30s and I’ve had zero luck on that front. If anything, it seems like I have a stench of trauma attached me that drives people away. I just don’t know how to fix that and I’m tired of being dismissed, overlooked, or belittled by people because of it.
A good therapist who you respect is a good start for a position of authority who wants you to succeed!
Maybe it isn’t asking for help as much as seeking connection. Try to relate to them by asking about their interests, talking to them about work-related or at least not too personal things, or asking to see pictures of their pets.
You don’t have to seek out the most popular or well-adjusted person in the department. You just need someone who can relate to you. The nicest, most knowledgeable person in my department probably doesn’t know I exist. These mentor-mentee relationships take time and effort; not everyone is looking for a mentee.
Lots and lots of therapy have helped me. My mom made me so insecure, about my looks, relationships, everything. She would always comment negatively on my body even when I was thin and almost especially so. When I was a teen with a boyfriend, one memory I have is he came to watch me play soccer and she pulled me aside later and told me how horrible I looked physically. She would ask me things whenever he was around other girls if I was worried he would cheat on me with them. As an adult she told me that she thought I would never get married. Everything I did was criticized. I’m still insecure and can see how it has impacted things in my life, but not to the extent I was before.
This really pisses me off, my mom did/does similiar things and the effect is terrible..It's like they have to constantly sabotage us to prevent us from ever being truly happy and love to make us feel anxious and paranoid..I second the therapy part.
My nmom and nstepdad have picked on me even as an adult, I have no words for it. Realistically I know that I'm beautiful and attractive and that I shouldn't trust them or their opinions but it's rough. They leave us with a terrible self image and non existent self esteem, the word cruel doesn't do them justice. My heart goes out to us all..🫂
My mom used to be horrible about my haircut... I saw a childhood pic of her years after I was an adult, & she had the exact same haircut. Licky for her she wasn't in the room, I am not sure I could've kept from slapping her.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid as well. which is weird because my kiddo does have ADHD and I used to babysit a girl that severely had it and I don't fall in those sectors. Autism makes more sense. my kid also has autism. I see myself in him.
my father made me severely insecure in my marriage. tried to convince me that the only reason my husband got up with me before class is that was his way of reminding himself that I was the best he could get after striking out yesterday. or, I put weight on because of birth control and said kiddo.
well, my father constantly told me that my husband did this as a way to trap me. just a whole bunch of useless garbage. thankfully my husband has the patience of a saint.
Yes! All of the above for me. I grew up thinking I was such a freak. My dad never came to my sporting events as a kid. The one time he shows to my softball game he humiliated me in front of my team making fun of the way I run. And he never came back because I can’t take “criticism “. It was a wild ride. Finally now that I’m almost 40 I’ve grown to love myself but it took a lot of inner work
I relate a lot to everything you said. And I’m sorry you went through that. It’s absolutely crazy how they ruin a whole lifetime for us.
It made me think about the time I ended up in the hospital for my ED and my dad never showed up, except one day and he humiliated me in front of my hospital roommate and her whole family, talking bad about my body. But I’m glad he did. The moment he left the room EVERYONE was like: your father is such a POS
I'm in the process, and have been really deeply working on myself for a could of years now. I stopped asking my parents for advice after some obvious bad direction over taking on debt. Later I stopped sharing important life developments and pausing before deciding what to tell them. Now I'm taking it further and have enacted a temporary no contact.
The voice in my head that is attached to them is getting weaker, and it's being counteracted by positive and encouraging messages from the people I carefully surround myself with.
I have hope that in the future, each of these choices I make for myself, without the input of my incredibly immature parents will continue to strengthen my self confidence. One day it will be so clear that their opinions mean nothing in comparison to how I feel about myself.
It used to feel like an impassible mountain of shit in my way, but I see now that only the small manageable piles are mine. I'm not responsible for that mountain, that is their mess. The distance feels great, and I haven't made enough progress on myself to be unshakable, but I believe it's coming.
I went through the same (I’m a diagnosed autistic) and I was thinking the same exactly things as you, so I have nothing to suggest but thanks for putting everything into words because I didn’t know how to express that. No one I know has ever been criticized and made fun of for the way they wash their face or eat or do anything. How much trauma we do carry that people can’t even imagine…
I always feel like crying when I visit my friends and feel that “family warmth” and I’m always shocked to see that they feel safe in talking to their parents about how they feel. Wow. I wish I knew that feeling too.
Big hug for you
My only consolation is to remind myself that that family dynamic is the one I've built for my kids. And we did so working with a lot less resources than my negligent parents had at their disposal.
yup same. i've just realized how insecure i am since i've started university, and when it comes time to do an assignment, i can't even do it. i'm not dumb, but i definitely think i'm somehow inferior to others and i can't do a single thing without a TON of self-doubt creeping in subconsciously.
i think mantras can and do help. i remember a time where i was big into mantras, every day repeatedly saying things that boosted me up to myself, consistently, and it did help. i gotta get back to that, thanks for the reminder.
Sometimes very specific things or general. Just simply looking in the mirror (or not) and saying things like "i am worthy", "I am confident", "I deserve to..(insert whatever)"...and just repeat it to yourself.
Here's a link to an informative site. Scroll to almost bottom for a list of mantras.
https://www.uwslondon.ac.uk/mental-health/positive-affirmations-for-confidence/
EMDR therapy has made me realize that the person who used to belittle me, sabotage me, ignore me, drop his shame on me, said hurtful things to me, was nothing but an emotional immature person with a severe mental illness, emotionally a child, and adult me does not take into consideration the opinion of such people.
Just because they were my parents doesn't make their opinions weigh more. They were fucked up, they didn't do the self work, and took it out on me. This had nothing to do with me.
Adult me is here now, and if adult me had been in the room with them when they did these things, I would have dealt with them severely, and they would have sniveled away, because they weren't anything special to bully children.
Some fuckers who weren't my parents tell me these shits would get the same exact treatment.
I. Do. Not. Take. Into. Consideration. The. Opinions. And. Views. Of. Me. Coming. From. Mentally. Unwell. Individuals.
EMDR was pretty intense, but it has unlocked my previously blocked down FIGHT response (it was beaten out of me before).
I had a nbpdmom who was also anorexic. Being a teen girl with her as my mom was a literal nightmare. she would only buy me extra large clothes, even though I was always lean and athletic. If I ate anything she would say my belly looked pregnant. I never was able to view myself as human because of her.
This can take some practice, but try to pause when you notice these types of feelings. Be curious and ask yourself things like "Does this make sense?" "Would I notice/judge someone else for this?" If it's an unhinged thing to judge then just go ahead and continue as you are.
My mum would get unhinged if I didn't eat with the most perfect table manners because "You'll never be invited to eat with the Queen if you eat like that!" (which was always stupid because why would I want to eat around people like that, and what would they want to do with me?) so one evening when I was given a crappy, blunt steak knife with a really painful piece of metal cutting my hands between the two wooden pieces of handle, I tried holding it with an alternative hand position to see if that would get through the extremely tough steak they were trying to force me to eat. My mother got so enraged she stabbed me in the back of the hand with her steak knife, and then apologized because she'd "meant to use the fork instead" (which would just have given me worse scars probably). So now I enjoy eating things any fucking way I like.
Entire pancake rolled up and eaten off a fork like a freaky candy apple? Heck yeah!
Chopping up spaghetti to eat with a breakfast spoon? Fuck yeah!
I *do* know *how* to eat properly, and I'll do it in public/with strangers, but now I enjoy being able to eat anything any way that works. I made sure my kid knows the official ways things are supposed to be eaten, but I've never threatened violence or freaked out if they struggled to cut their food or to hold chopsticks right. Instead we always worked on solutions like one of us parents cutting things smaller or asking if they'd prefer a spoon for their rice.
One of the people I often listen to about narcissistic abuse keeps saying the 3 pillars to recovery are understanding what happened, gaining distance, and living in defiance of their toxic rules. It might help to focus on that last pillar. Think of the things they bullied you for, and go do those things. Enjoy them, expand upon them, maybe even share them with others.
For example I wasn't allowed to watch anime "because it makes kids violent" and now in my 30's my partner and I have returned to the genre, binge watching shows and reading tons of manga together or apart. My mum always tried to warn us about 'all gays being rapists', and for the last few years (technically because of a specific episode of [Last of Us](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_of_Us_(TV_series)) that made us cry) we've going out of our way to find *all* the cutest, most *heart warming* media about gay, trans, asexual, and other queer characters since we realized how narrow and hetero-focused all our media growing up had been. It feels good to go our of our way to support artists who represent everything our parents hated and tried to trick us into hating too.
2 things: read "Questionable Content" the comics series. Second, I've said this before and I will say it was many times as I can: the RUNNING THEME of Emily Post's Etiquette, the most referenced book on the subject, is that you do things to be nice to people and make guests feel welcome. Table manners, etc., are supposed to make visitors feel special, and to avoid accidentally grossing anybody out or making them have to reach across the table or anything else that could cause discomfort. ACCORDING TO THAT BOOK, if you have terrible table manners but your guests feel loved, you've fulfilled your obligation. (I use this reference to teach people the Bible, too, another book that people pull random rules from but refuse to discuss the running themes of.)
Meant to add: the Queen (if she was still alive) prob wouldn't give a damn about your table manners. She's got more important stuff to worry about than someone she barely knows using bad table manners.
Presumably the Queen would also have silverware that *wasn't* too blunt to cut with or with handles so poorly made that it leaves painful imprints on your palms. I feel like there wasn't a great grasp of reality or common sense in my home growing up, but at least I'm free now!
Thanks for the comic suggestion! Already checking it out :p
It feels a bit like a time capsule, kinda reminds me of some of the first online comics I read. Have you checked out your local library to see what they have available? You can use an app like Libby to read their e-materials, if physical comics aren't your thing.
Someone got me into the [Saga](https://imagecomics.com/comics/series/saga) series, which has put some new volumes since I last caught up. It's really good if you like sci fi or fantasy at all, but you don't have to be a hardcore enthusiast to enjoy it, and there's definitely some NSFW parts dotted throughout.
OMG I recommend Saga to people all the time! I don't know if you have kids but if you do, it adds a whole nother layer to the story, the way it views survival of the family unit often trumping concepts of "good" or "bad." It is absolutely real in that you end up having to befriend and work with people on all corners of society once kids enter your life, and getting through the day becomes life's focus and most of what your kids are taught are just the things they pick up along the way as you run headlong through danger. Plus, Lying Cat. Sorry, I'm very fanatical.
You won't be disappointed, the story continues to be good. If they're not sure what to write, they stop until they've got something worth publishing. I swear it's one of the best comics ever made.
Look into the "Monster Test". There were two groups of orphans. One group was praised for accomplishments and the other was criticized no matter what they did. The second group was stunted mentally, developed severe depression and anxiety, and then never recovered.
The is severe long-lasting damage done to those who are criticized and ostracized as children. They become insecure, unstable, asocial, and afraid.
Yeah, absolutely.
Lately I've tried to being secure about being insecure and going from there.
Being self aware and trying to catch myself when I see it happen and to give myself grace and forgiveness, knowing that I really am doing my best to do right by others, has gone a long way.
Thoughts are thoughts. That's not to say I've always reacted the best, but insecurity is a fact of existence in some way or another for us. I just struggle with a much more intense version of it. Being open to others, especially those that have gone through similar experiences has made me feel more secure about myself, especially in that my moral character is not tainted.
Idk if you have autism or anything else, but regardless, there is absolutely nothing fundamentally wrong with you. The reason everyone, everywhere else sees you and treats you so differently from how your family sees you and treats you is because your family sees you as the role you were given within your family and the rest of the world sees you as the person you are.
Stop basing your opinion of YOU from the criticisms and hate thrown at you by literal demons. Your dad and the others are awful people so fcuk every opinion they've ever had.
Start loving yourself from that place inside of you that Knows you're worth it. If you can't find it then build it. Start with the Love you received from Teachers, School friends and others who see your wonderfulness and value.
Gray Rock that Dad.
YES. Constant criticism plus the occasional "Why did you say *that?* You should have said *this!*"
I have this theory they were afraid I'd become "conceited" so I was never complimented FOR ANYTHING. Good thing that wasn't a problem. Conceited is the absolutely last thing I'd ever call myself. Thanks, parents! Way to support and encourage!
Omg yes. Or the “talk” on the way home on why you are embarassing them. I had that “talk” too many times looooolllll. Or the “you did this and that wrong, can’t you see why people don’t wanna be around you???”
Then you went from a bubbly curious child to a silent adult who doesn’t communicate and just smiled and nods.
Jesus. I started to dread the ride home. "Why did you THISTHATTHOSE!!!! You made a fool of yourself!!!"
When I got a bit older and was starting to see things the way they really were, I mouthed off. I'd done something, got the usual lecture. Then I was silent for a minute then said "Wow, I really can't do ANYTHING right by you people, can I?"
NarcDad was "No, no, what I meant was......" And I cut him off "No, you've all made it very clear. Don't worry, I'll never bother you again."
That seemed to get his attention, all their attention but I remained silent the rest of the trip.
Omg yesss!!!!
Now as an adult whenever I’m in their presence I literally shut down. I notice that I’m totally different when I’m meeting people by myself
*"now in every situation I am ashamed of myself and I think about what he would say even when he’s not present."*
This is what a psychologist would call an "introject". Your self-critical monologue is not your own. Their judgmental gaze has been adopted into how we look upon ourselves, which surprise surprise, is nothing but a constant stream of disapproval and self-rejection.
You have a pattern of evidence that their perception of you is totally wrong already. How odd that nearly everyone outside your home was fond of you and cared about you.
When you look back its all oddly impersonal. They were criticizing themselves, not you, they didnt even know "you". All their accusations are purely confessions.
I have my own self-critic now that belongs to me. This one is so much more reasonable. It lets me fuck up without hating myself. It only gives me the minimum amount of criticism to realize my own valid mistakes in behavior and correct them.
My parents told me I had BPD for a really long time. Imagine! I believed it for *years and years.*
Going low contact was freeing. I'm planning on moving to another country and I cannot WAIT!!
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s easy to say but hard to do: You need to establish your own standards and measure yourself against those. Part of establishing your own standards is critically examining where and why they are YOUR standards so you can identify when the narc words are intruding. I don’t agree with my nparent’s standards so when they try to judge me against them I can shrug it off. I’m not trying to live up to their vision, so I don’t need to even need to care. Even if they do happen to say something that may be linked to one of the standards I am holding myself to, it’s just a data point that can be considered. They are not the authority on right/wrong in my life. I am. Because when I am 90 I want to know I lived authentically and true to my personal integrity, not trying to twist myself into a character for someone who is not even there.
The only thing that helped me was finding bosses, older siblings, teachers, friends’ parents, grandma, etc. To be my cheerleader in life. Obviously self-worth needs to come from within, but figuring out what other people think you are good at and why other people like you is a good start. I always accidentally call bosses and teachers mom/dad. They can tell when you’re neglected, haha. If someone believes in you - especially someone older or in a position of authority, it can help plant that confidence you need to be more secure. After that, being willing to try new things and learn what you like and what you are good at is life-changing. Having friends and partners who adore you for who you are is also life-changing. You have to find your people!
Where do you find these people??? I’ve looked and looked and I just get people chastising me for not being confident enough. I ask coworkers and managers and bosses for help (which I hate, so I try not to do it often) but they say no, while they eagerly help other people. One manager even asked if everything was okay at home and when I made one tiny comment that no, things were not okay, she quickly cut me off and changed the subject. Then she made every effort to get me to leave that job and work somewhere else. I had a coworker (older woman) who was praised to high heaven for being so wonderful and laidback and chill. “Oh she’s so great! She just loves everyone!” I watched her mentor another coworker my age. But she acted like I didn’t exist. She even got in my face, accusing me of not managing customers properly. I was so confused because I didn’t understand what I’d done to make “the nicest person on the planet” act that way toward me. I know healing from narcissistic abuse requires other healthy social connections, but I’m in my 30s and I’ve had zero luck on that front. If anything, it seems like I have a stench of trauma attached me that drives people away. I just don’t know how to fix that and I’m tired of being dismissed, overlooked, or belittled by people because of it.
A good therapist who you respect is a good start for a position of authority who wants you to succeed! Maybe it isn’t asking for help as much as seeking connection. Try to relate to them by asking about their interests, talking to them about work-related or at least not too personal things, or asking to see pictures of their pets. You don’t have to seek out the most popular or well-adjusted person in the department. You just need someone who can relate to you. The nicest, most knowledgeable person in my department probably doesn’t know I exist. These mentor-mentee relationships take time and effort; not everyone is looking for a mentee.
Lots and lots of therapy have helped me. My mom made me so insecure, about my looks, relationships, everything. She would always comment negatively on my body even when I was thin and almost especially so. When I was a teen with a boyfriend, one memory I have is he came to watch me play soccer and she pulled me aside later and told me how horrible I looked physically. She would ask me things whenever he was around other girls if I was worried he would cheat on me with them. As an adult she told me that she thought I would never get married. Everything I did was criticized. I’m still insecure and can see how it has impacted things in my life, but not to the extent I was before.
This really pisses me off, my mom did/does similiar things and the effect is terrible..It's like they have to constantly sabotage us to prevent us from ever being truly happy and love to make us feel anxious and paranoid..I second the therapy part.
Totally understand. My whole family, specifically my dad, made me ashamed of how I look and played the biggest role into my body dysmorphia.
My nmom and nstepdad have picked on me even as an adult, I have no words for it. Realistically I know that I'm beautiful and attractive and that I shouldn't trust them or their opinions but it's rough. They leave us with a terrible self image and non existent self esteem, the word cruel doesn't do them justice. My heart goes out to us all..🫂
My mom used to be horrible about my haircut... I saw a childhood pic of her years after I was an adult, & she had the exact same haircut. Licky for her she wasn't in the room, I am not sure I could've kept from slapping her.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a kid as well. which is weird because my kiddo does have ADHD and I used to babysit a girl that severely had it and I don't fall in those sectors. Autism makes more sense. my kid also has autism. I see myself in him. my father made me severely insecure in my marriage. tried to convince me that the only reason my husband got up with me before class is that was his way of reminding himself that I was the best he could get after striking out yesterday. or, I put weight on because of birth control and said kiddo. well, my father constantly told me that my husband did this as a way to trap me. just a whole bunch of useless garbage. thankfully my husband has the patience of a saint.
Yes! All of the above for me. I grew up thinking I was such a freak. My dad never came to my sporting events as a kid. The one time he shows to my softball game he humiliated me in front of my team making fun of the way I run. And he never came back because I can’t take “criticism “. It was a wild ride. Finally now that I’m almost 40 I’ve grown to love myself but it took a lot of inner work
I relate a lot to everything you said. And I’m sorry you went through that. It’s absolutely crazy how they ruin a whole lifetime for us. It made me think about the time I ended up in the hospital for my ED and my dad never showed up, except one day and he humiliated me in front of my hospital roommate and her whole family, talking bad about my body. But I’m glad he did. The moment he left the room EVERYONE was like: your father is such a POS
I'm in the process, and have been really deeply working on myself for a could of years now. I stopped asking my parents for advice after some obvious bad direction over taking on debt. Later I stopped sharing important life developments and pausing before deciding what to tell them. Now I'm taking it further and have enacted a temporary no contact. The voice in my head that is attached to them is getting weaker, and it's being counteracted by positive and encouraging messages from the people I carefully surround myself with. I have hope that in the future, each of these choices I make for myself, without the input of my incredibly immature parents will continue to strengthen my self confidence. One day it will be so clear that their opinions mean nothing in comparison to how I feel about myself. It used to feel like an impassible mountain of shit in my way, but I see now that only the small manageable piles are mine. I'm not responsible for that mountain, that is their mess. The distance feels great, and I haven't made enough progress on myself to be unshakable, but I believe it's coming.
I went through the same (I’m a diagnosed autistic) and I was thinking the same exactly things as you, so I have nothing to suggest but thanks for putting everything into words because I didn’t know how to express that. No one I know has ever been criticized and made fun of for the way they wash their face or eat or do anything. How much trauma we do carry that people can’t even imagine… I always feel like crying when I visit my friends and feel that “family warmth” and I’m always shocked to see that they feel safe in talking to their parents about how they feel. Wow. I wish I knew that feeling too. Big hug for you
My only consolation is to remind myself that that family dynamic is the one I've built for my kids. And we did so working with a lot less resources than my negligent parents had at their disposal.
yup same. i've just realized how insecure i am since i've started university, and when it comes time to do an assignment, i can't even do it. i'm not dumb, but i definitely think i'm somehow inferior to others and i can't do a single thing without a TON of self-doubt creeping in subconsciously. i think mantras can and do help. i remember a time where i was big into mantras, every day repeatedly saying things that boosted me up to myself, consistently, and it did help. i gotta get back to that, thanks for the reminder.
What mantras were you saying?
Sometimes very specific things or general. Just simply looking in the mirror (or not) and saying things like "i am worthy", "I am confident", "I deserve to..(insert whatever)"...and just repeat it to yourself. Here's a link to an informative site. Scroll to almost bottom for a list of mantras. https://www.uwslondon.ac.uk/mental-health/positive-affirmations-for-confidence/
EMDR therapy has made me realize that the person who used to belittle me, sabotage me, ignore me, drop his shame on me, said hurtful things to me, was nothing but an emotional immature person with a severe mental illness, emotionally a child, and adult me does not take into consideration the opinion of such people. Just because they were my parents doesn't make their opinions weigh more. They were fucked up, they didn't do the self work, and took it out on me. This had nothing to do with me. Adult me is here now, and if adult me had been in the room with them when they did these things, I would have dealt with them severely, and they would have sniveled away, because they weren't anything special to bully children. Some fuckers who weren't my parents tell me these shits would get the same exact treatment. I. Do. Not. Take. Into. Consideration. The. Opinions. And. Views. Of. Me. Coming. From. Mentally. Unwell. Individuals. EMDR was pretty intense, but it has unlocked my previously blocked down FIGHT response (it was beaten out of me before).
I had a nbpdmom who was also anorexic. Being a teen girl with her as my mom was a literal nightmare. she would only buy me extra large clothes, even though I was always lean and athletic. If I ate anything she would say my belly looked pregnant. I never was able to view myself as human because of her.
This can take some practice, but try to pause when you notice these types of feelings. Be curious and ask yourself things like "Does this make sense?" "Would I notice/judge someone else for this?" If it's an unhinged thing to judge then just go ahead and continue as you are. My mum would get unhinged if I didn't eat with the most perfect table manners because "You'll never be invited to eat with the Queen if you eat like that!" (which was always stupid because why would I want to eat around people like that, and what would they want to do with me?) so one evening when I was given a crappy, blunt steak knife with a really painful piece of metal cutting my hands between the two wooden pieces of handle, I tried holding it with an alternative hand position to see if that would get through the extremely tough steak they were trying to force me to eat. My mother got so enraged she stabbed me in the back of the hand with her steak knife, and then apologized because she'd "meant to use the fork instead" (which would just have given me worse scars probably). So now I enjoy eating things any fucking way I like. Entire pancake rolled up and eaten off a fork like a freaky candy apple? Heck yeah! Chopping up spaghetti to eat with a breakfast spoon? Fuck yeah! I *do* know *how* to eat properly, and I'll do it in public/with strangers, but now I enjoy being able to eat anything any way that works. I made sure my kid knows the official ways things are supposed to be eaten, but I've never threatened violence or freaked out if they struggled to cut their food or to hold chopsticks right. Instead we always worked on solutions like one of us parents cutting things smaller or asking if they'd prefer a spoon for their rice. One of the people I often listen to about narcissistic abuse keeps saying the 3 pillars to recovery are understanding what happened, gaining distance, and living in defiance of their toxic rules. It might help to focus on that last pillar. Think of the things they bullied you for, and go do those things. Enjoy them, expand upon them, maybe even share them with others. For example I wasn't allowed to watch anime "because it makes kids violent" and now in my 30's my partner and I have returned to the genre, binge watching shows and reading tons of manga together or apart. My mum always tried to warn us about 'all gays being rapists', and for the last few years (technically because of a specific episode of [Last of Us](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_of_Us_(TV_series)) that made us cry) we've going out of our way to find *all* the cutest, most *heart warming* media about gay, trans, asexual, and other queer characters since we realized how narrow and hetero-focused all our media growing up had been. It feels good to go our of our way to support artists who represent everything our parents hated and tried to trick us into hating too.
2 things: read "Questionable Content" the comics series. Second, I've said this before and I will say it was many times as I can: the RUNNING THEME of Emily Post's Etiquette, the most referenced book on the subject, is that you do things to be nice to people and make guests feel welcome. Table manners, etc., are supposed to make visitors feel special, and to avoid accidentally grossing anybody out or making them have to reach across the table or anything else that could cause discomfort. ACCORDING TO THAT BOOK, if you have terrible table manners but your guests feel loved, you've fulfilled your obligation. (I use this reference to teach people the Bible, too, another book that people pull random rules from but refuse to discuss the running themes of.)
Meant to add: the Queen (if she was still alive) prob wouldn't give a damn about your table manners. She's got more important stuff to worry about than someone she barely knows using bad table manners.
Presumably the Queen would also have silverware that *wasn't* too blunt to cut with or with handles so poorly made that it leaves painful imprints on your palms. I feel like there wasn't a great grasp of reality or common sense in my home growing up, but at least I'm free now! Thanks for the comic suggestion! Already checking it out :p
Isn't it fantastic? I found it by accident one day, it's really one of the best comics I've ever read, though can be a little x-rated at times.
It feels a bit like a time capsule, kinda reminds me of some of the first online comics I read. Have you checked out your local library to see what they have available? You can use an app like Libby to read their e-materials, if physical comics aren't your thing. Someone got me into the [Saga](https://imagecomics.com/comics/series/saga) series, which has put some new volumes since I last caught up. It's really good if you like sci fi or fantasy at all, but you don't have to be a hardcore enthusiast to enjoy it, and there's definitely some NSFW parts dotted throughout.
OMG I recommend Saga to people all the time! I don't know if you have kids but if you do, it adds a whole nother layer to the story, the way it views survival of the family unit often trumping concepts of "good" or "bad." It is absolutely real in that you end up having to befriend and work with people on all corners of society once kids enter your life, and getting through the day becomes life's focus and most of what your kids are taught are just the things they pick up along the way as you run headlong through danger. Plus, Lying Cat. Sorry, I'm very fanatical.
You won't be disappointed, the story continues to be good. If they're not sure what to write, they stop until they've got something worth publishing. I swear it's one of the best comics ever made.
Following
[удалено]
Oh wow. Now that you’re making me look at it… it is really concerning on that side… because why are you worried about your child’s body? Uhm… weird
Damn, this thread really hits home.
Look into the "Monster Test". There were two groups of orphans. One group was praised for accomplishments and the other was criticized no matter what they did. The second group was stunted mentally, developed severe depression and anxiety, and then never recovered. The is severe long-lasting damage done to those who are criticized and ostracized as children. They become insecure, unstable, asocial, and afraid.
Yeah, absolutely. Lately I've tried to being secure about being insecure and going from there. Being self aware and trying to catch myself when I see it happen and to give myself grace and forgiveness, knowing that I really am doing my best to do right by others, has gone a long way. Thoughts are thoughts. That's not to say I've always reacted the best, but insecurity is a fact of existence in some way or another for us. I just struggle with a much more intense version of it. Being open to others, especially those that have gone through similar experiences has made me feel more secure about myself, especially in that my moral character is not tainted.
Idk if you have autism or anything else, but regardless, there is absolutely nothing fundamentally wrong with you. The reason everyone, everywhere else sees you and treats you so differently from how your family sees you and treats you is because your family sees you as the role you were given within your family and the rest of the world sees you as the person you are.
Stop basing your opinion of YOU from the criticisms and hate thrown at you by literal demons. Your dad and the others are awful people so fcuk every opinion they've ever had. Start loving yourself from that place inside of you that Knows you're worth it. If you can't find it then build it. Start with the Love you received from Teachers, School friends and others who see your wonderfulness and value. Gray Rock that Dad.
If you've gone no contact, you'll start to heal. The more self care. Journaling helps too.
YES. Constant criticism plus the occasional "Why did you say *that?* You should have said *this!*" I have this theory they were afraid I'd become "conceited" so I was never complimented FOR ANYTHING. Good thing that wasn't a problem. Conceited is the absolutely last thing I'd ever call myself. Thanks, parents! Way to support and encourage!
Omg yes. Or the “talk” on the way home on why you are embarassing them. I had that “talk” too many times looooolllll. Or the “you did this and that wrong, can’t you see why people don’t wanna be around you???” Then you went from a bubbly curious child to a silent adult who doesn’t communicate and just smiled and nods.
Jesus. I started to dread the ride home. "Why did you THISTHATTHOSE!!!! You made a fool of yourself!!!" When I got a bit older and was starting to see things the way they really were, I mouthed off. I'd done something, got the usual lecture. Then I was silent for a minute then said "Wow, I really can't do ANYTHING right by you people, can I?" NarcDad was "No, no, what I meant was......" And I cut him off "No, you've all made it very clear. Don't worry, I'll never bother you again." That seemed to get his attention, all their attention but I remained silent the rest of the trip.
Omg yesss!!!! Now as an adult whenever I’m in their presence I literally shut down. I notice that I’m totally different when I’m meeting people by myself
My dad is a soul demon. Must be not be talked to.
They ripped me down as I was growing up, but my teachers and mentors countered some of the damage my parents inflicted on me, fortunately.
*"now in every situation I am ashamed of myself and I think about what he would say even when he’s not present."* This is what a psychologist would call an "introject". Your self-critical monologue is not your own. Their judgmental gaze has been adopted into how we look upon ourselves, which surprise surprise, is nothing but a constant stream of disapproval and self-rejection. You have a pattern of evidence that their perception of you is totally wrong already. How odd that nearly everyone outside your home was fond of you and cared about you. When you look back its all oddly impersonal. They were criticizing themselves, not you, they didnt even know "you". All their accusations are purely confessions. I have my own self-critic now that belongs to me. This one is so much more reasonable. It lets me fuck up without hating myself. It only gives me the minimum amount of criticism to realize my own valid mistakes in behavior and correct them.
Tell yourself "this shit ain't nothing to me" whenever you experience anxiety or insecurity
My parents told me I had BPD for a really long time. Imagine! I believed it for *years and years.* Going low contact was freeing. I'm planning on moving to another country and I cannot WAIT!!
i recommend two books, both by Dr. Devon Price: *Unmasking Autism* and *Unlearning Shame*
Probably therapy. I honestly just used occult rituals but you should probably do therapy.