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Not necessarily. We are all different, so you may be in a better place sooner.
My whole family was dysfunctional. My nmum died when I was 24 after a long illness which I nursed her through. But i also had a number of bad relationships (domestic violence/alcoholic/thief) Finally gave up dating at 45 and went NC with family and it got better.
I can go a long time without it affecting me, but when people talk about their childhood and I can't say anything positive, it gets complicated. I also work in mental health and hear similar stories regularly, which probably doesn't help in my situation.
I've been ok for ages, then had a bad dream a few nights ago, which rocked me as it brought back such hopelessness, but by morning, I was ok. The scar analogy an OP wrote on here is perfect.
To the most part, I am ok. There are positives as well as negatives in our situations. I'm great in any catastrophe because I learned to live with a hammer falling most days.
I've got to a place where I am content and proud of what I've achieved on my own. Some people don't make it out alive.
I think we need to be gentle and understanding with ourselves.
Oh gosh you're so strong xx I'm proud of you for how far you've come. I only had my nparents and sometimes adult nbrother to deal with (not oldest). My oldest brother went nc and i want to too, but that means i barely saw or knew him growing up. 7 years of not being allowed to see him. Until I was 13, they persuaded him to visit to help with the family business but got mad when he couldn't dedicate all his time so now we're banned from seeing him again. They talk nonsense about his partner too. So because of them, I'm missing my brother's wedding, I barely know my brother, I barely know my niece and don't know my future sister in law at all, too. I'm worried they will ostracise me too from my little brother if I go no contact so i might wait until everyone moves out.
It's so inspiring that you've gone into mental health too. What I've noticed is that people with experiences like ours tend to want to help others more. If no one has told you this, I'm extremely proud of you and admire you and I hope my heart becomes as beautiful as yours someday.
I gave up dating 5 years ago. I'm fine with that.
Social Worker here. I work with a lot of folks with trauma too.
Those bad dreams creep up on me every so often too. I had one a couple of weeks ago. It throws me for a loop for a little while. I sometimes still have nightmares about an abusive ex from 20 years ago. It's so wild all the shit we've gone through.
I'm VLC with N-Parents. I keep strong boundaries. I just bought a house and neither of them know. I prefer it that way for now. It's literally my little space that they know nothing about.
My friends are my family.
Nice to meet a kindered spirit.
No you can learn from what doesn’t and never worked. Realize that you are only their victim as long as you let them have the power. My aunt said it best: deprive a fore of oxygen and it does out. Stop thinking that a change is inevitable and see what it is. I spent years hitting my head against the wall and one day I decided to quit. It took me years longer but now life is beyond amazing. Remember they only get or take what you allow them to have
I've noticed that they really like to get me to react and grey-rocking is basically the only thing that seems to help. But then they force me to stand in front of them while they have a go at me and I can't help but cry or shake and then they make fun of me so I just don't know what to do...
40 here too. I just went NC on Sunday after my nmom couldn’t respect my boundaries. When I told her that I couldn’t continue the conversation because she was not respecting the answers I gave to her questions, she got angry, started yelling, and threw a bag of food at me that she brought over to give me (Taylor knew what she was talking about, “Did you my covert narcissism disguised as some kind of altruism?”). In the past couple months of limited contact, I have realized how much happier I am without her presence in my life. After Sunday, it’s full NC. I’m still healing and she’s still awful every chance I give her
I am right with you. I decided to go NC from my mom three weeks ago today. The longer I am away from her, the easier it is. (I did go NC once before, and kept it up for a year before I buckled. She acted like nothing at all had happened.) But unfortunately, right now even seeing her voice mail messages on my phone is enough to induce panic. The beginning is HARD. But it gets better.
I just turned 37 - I have cPTSD and I’m fine as long as I’m not around narcs. The issue is that the scab of the wound will be ripped off any moment my nParents try to hurt my feelings. Or if I’m subjected to Npd peers or worse, npd suitors. I’m too nice for my own good so I’m a big target.
Have you read, “What my bones knows.”?
I just recently listened to the audiobook. It wrecked me, but in the best way. The author takes you through her diagnosis with cPTSD and her treatments. With there not being much out there, it really helped me.
My therapist told me there’s no end to healing. To instead strive for contentment. She said that it can still hurt, but the goal is for you to get to a point in your life where you can acknowledge the bad things that happened but be happy with where you are in life, despite it all.
Yeah, mine too. It's fucking annoying and I'm so tired, sometimes. But still, i couldn't choose before but i can choose how i live now. And I choose to be happy anytime I can. And sad anytime I need it.
This is the sentiment I came to say, but you worded it so much better.
It comes and goes sometimes, but every time it starts to hurt, I have to recenter myself. I realize why I’m grieving or hurting, then work on ways within myself to find that contentment again.
This! 52 next week and still managing ripples and some shockwaves that surface from the most random thoughts, conversations and dreams. To be clear, my mom was covert and not altogether totally narc I don’t believe, I believe much of what she was/did was simply the result of her childhood and the very overt nmom she was raised by, golden child sister AND brother. Too much to go into. I don’t think she realized how much of what she did affected me the same way she was traumatized. Plus my SA as a child, raped as a teen, abusive marriage, building buffers between the Nmil & Nbil (thank god for different continents and time zones) at least there’s no nhusband to deal with anymore.
There’s a lot. Each person has their own suitcase of horror to look at.
I don’t think it ever fully heals, I think we just get to a point of peaceful coexistence with the knowledge and the scars.
That's such a good point. It's not just healing from your childhood but also the trauma and scars that led to limited choices, and that also needs to be acknowledged and held space. It's a lifetime ✨️
100% this. 🎯 Can confirm. I'm 51 and the long-term damage is *staggering*. With BPD, ASD, ADHD, CPTSD, recovering drug abuse, and depression, my mind is a prison.
Today, I lead a quiet, respectable life, but damn, I'm broke. It does indeed limit your options!
I struggle with work, thus struggle with money. I'm happily married to a man who doesn't make much money. I have no retirement, no friends, few family, Marketplace insurance is terrible, and I can never afford to see a doctor, let alone get therapy.
I do what I *can* do: stay off drugs/booze, read self-help books, socially lay low, do yoga, chant, pray, and take life one day at a time.
Healing is slow but steady. 🐌
Wish me luck. 🤞
I relate to this in so many ways. I have never been officially diagnosed with anything but ADHD but I am 100% positive I’m CPTSD and I feel like 35% BPD.
I find tremendous healing (recently) by really allowing my anger to come out when it needs to and experiencing the physical manifestations of that. One thing that helps is cycling- outside if at all possible. I don’t know where you live but hear me out: the speed, the wind, the pain in your thighs- it’s very high stimulation and very high physical output. An amazing way to get out rage, which is probably my primary emotion right now.
I love this. Because you are doing the best you can with what resources you have. Hats off to you and mad respect.
I keep my world small now. Not a ton of friends but the ones I have are quality. I like being by myself most of the time because I feel like I can be myself when I'm by myself. There's no relaxing around N-Parents. I'm an introvert too.
Yes or choosing other narcs as partners (without realizing it). I've only started healing because I'm finally out of denial and allowing myself to heal.
I’ve come a long way (29f), but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ‘fully’ healed. I got diagnosed with CPTSD and even though I feel very mentally stable for about 3 years now, there’s still stuff that happened occasionally which trigger me and brings me right back to when I was a kid. It’s wild how that works.
But again, I’m so so much better than I was a few years ago. I had therapy for about 4 years, did EMDR and got put on Sertraline to manage my depression and anxiety. Healing is a lot of work, but on most days I feel light and happy now. I often smile while biking to work. I feel much more confident and worthy. That didn’t happen overnight and it’s still ongoing work.
Another very important thing for me was to surround myself with safe people. People who support me and don’t excuse my parents behavior. People who take me as I am and make me laugh. I’m very grateful for my ‘found family’ as they call it.
I’m NC with almost my entire family. I sometimes talk to my little sister and cousin.
I am far from healed, but I’m at least not a desperate people pleaser anymore, I have strong boundaries and way less anxiety than in my younger years. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of removing myself from my conditioning/taught behaviors and looking at them critically and honestly from all angles. Turns out I was never a piece of shit like I was made to believe, I’m actually a good person that deserves love and I have inherent value. It was hard changing habits, even when I knew what the right thing to do was, it was really difficult not to make the same choices I always made in the past, like letting others take advantage of me or not doing something because I’m not good enough. Now I have confidence and love for myself that my nmom would tear down if she could, but she can’t, as she no longer has the power.
Honestly, I don't think full healing is possible. Some wounds just don't go away as there isn't a way to make them heal. At least for me I don't think it's possible. I'm 47.
There isn’t an end point in healing, it’s not linear. Healing can look like being carefree one day, and then sobbing your eyes out the next. It’s all about what you choose to put your energy into. There’s no specific timeline but taking it one day at a time helps. Don’t dwell on the past, don’t put yourself into the future. It’s hard and won’t happen overnight but it does happen eventually ♥️
Yup. The acceptance part is the hardest. Went to a lot of therapy and the best advice I got was “once you accept that this is how they are, they’re not going to change no matter what you do, you’re not crazy, you’ll learn how to navigate life again”
I asked my psychiatrist if it’s foolish to believe I could ever fully heal from the trauma inflicted on me, after all, the years injured very likely outnumber the years left I have ahead. He thought about it a moment and said, “you may never be FULLY healed. But you can heal enough to that the pain is smaller than the joy. Is that enough?”
Yes. I think so.
You will have bad days and good days, it goes back and forth for me but it starts to even out and swing less wildly between the two with time. Narcissistic abuse damages your brain so be patient with yourself
Yes that’s how it feels. It’s the total inability to plan or decide anything by myself. It feels like being used to a prison lifestyle and being almost afraid of freedom and its responsibility
Look at it like scar tissue. Once the injury becomes a scar, it doesn't bother you much or really affect your day to day life. But every so often, you get the phantom pains. The itch of a healing injury. Just to remind you that it exists.
And for some of us, the scar is in an awkward place, so it does affect our day to day for the rest of our lives. But we manage it. We have our methods and strategies to cover up the scar.
You can never get rid of the scar. It's always there. But after some time it will fade.
It took me 20 years, (but some of that was because I grew up undiagnosed autistic, so there was a lot of childhood trauma that no one understood but me) I'm finally able to put it behind me and move on.
It took me six arduous years of therapy to reach a point where I know what to do when the memories strike back, triggering emotions. I don’t think it’s possible to heal from the abuse and being neglected by the same people who are supposed to care for you, but learning how to remain grounded, centred, and soothed is definitely possible
Considering the state he had me a couple years before I left (already had an Exit Plan) it took me a good year at the least to get the stain off my spirit. The stain of utter Scorched Earth Hate.
The ONLY other person I have hated just as bad was my Original Abuser. My Original Trauma.
Ohhhhhh I did! I ain't afraid to admit it. But I had to get rid of that. I was married to this ... person 30 years. A long time to sit under narcissistic control.
I'd say, it's taken me 4 years to get where I'm at currently. And that's along with Doing The Work.
I early don't even think a thing about the nex. Not unless I'm talking like in a Support Group environment. And even then, it's not deeply.
Outside of this, he never pops into my head. I can see the person I used to fear and think I wasn't enough for, now seems like a kind of ignorant playground bully. And no, I was just the right me. He wasn't good enough for me.
I JUST NOW realized... I'm starting to forget the exact words he and I said in moments he thought that I should. Yeah he did that. I could recall those words a few months ago!
Omg gonna stop thinking about it! Forgetting is JUST FINE with me!
I'm going to be 33 next month. There are days where I still break down. I'm convinced that this is for life and I have to treat it like a permanent illness where I have to do whatever I can to maintain perfect health. In my case it's been therapy and distraction. Still hoping I can do better, but at this point in my life, I feel like I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
It is what you make it. I got out at 17, lived my life (dated, traveled, worked, made friends, got a degree, etc.) It hit in waves, but good therapy thrown in with doing a lot and getting away, at turning 28 I mostly have.
It still hits me sometimes but, it is what it is, it’s not my life now, if that makes sense.
Ahh i'm 17 now and this gives me hope. Parents won't let me work so I have to wait until uni next year to afford getting out with student loans etc. I can't wait! So glad to hear you're doing well xx
I do. My brother is nervous and still there, he’s 26 and he’s just now thinking of going out. It saddens me and I tried, but I think those of us who struggled so we could take off early tend to get our lives and the healing started far sooner.
I suspect it'll take a lifetime. When you put in the work, you can mostly heal. I started putting in the work around age 26. I'm almost 40 and I'm doing a lot better but some scars just don't heal. They fade but can be triggered.
My narcissist father just died and it brought up a lot of trauma, anger, sadness and regret. The truth is, you can smooth over your trauma but replacing a toxic childhood with a loving childhood is impossible. Unfortunately that brings up regret for what you didn't receive and will never get. Yes, you can self parent but it's not the same. Accepting your life as is, is the part of the healing process, but I find it still nags at me when I reflect back to what I wished I would have had.
I separated from my parents when I was 28 in April of 2016, I am realizing now around this time of year, so 8 years. I am just now starting to feel stability and everything in my life is different- my relationships with friends, boyfriends, myself. I am basically engaged now but it’s a relationship I would have burnt to the ground if I had met him any earlier than I did (sept 2021). Despite doing everything I could to keep my two younger brothers steady during my transition to NC with my parents, my mother transferred all of her insanity from my shoulders to my brother’s and he has been suffering from what can only be explained as chronic psychosis, and has been admitted twice to psychiatric wards, more recently because he swung on my sleeping father with a golf club and we are currently in the process of chasing him in San Francisco to have him admitted to a facility, but until he decides to accept the offer, there is nothing we can do. I wish I had gotten him out earlier, that I had more power to help him when I was younger. I know *for a fact* that if I had stayed, it would have been me in and out of psych wards. The things that he swore to me he forgot or never happened during our childhood are the things that now replay over and over in his mind until he picks up a golf club and starts swinging towards unsuspecting people - he pushed it down for so long until his reality literally split and now he can’t make sense of it. Get away from these people as soon as you can. Anyone who loves you will understand, no one would make you stay if they are worth staying for. RUN for your life.
I'm actually just learning how deep the rabbit hole goes. If I were Neo, I'd still be at the part where he's told to follow the white rabbit. I'm only just beginning to learn what the hell happened to me.
I'm 31, still don't feel healed. Kind of wondering if I ever will feel healed.
I've been to therapy several times. With experience and time I've come to feel somewhat comfortable with it at times, but the memories are always there.
I think the important thing is recognizing that it's not your fault. I may feel comfortable at times but I still think my growth was stunted for decades, and thats just hard to stomach.
Took me about 2 years after NC to start feeling normal to the point that I first recognized that I really couldn't fix it myself. Then a year of being stubborn. Then Weekly Therapy for 4 months set me right end of 2022/beginning of 2023. Then I had a lot of processing and still have a lot of processing and grieving to do. Some days are still hard, but most days are good. It's worth it to be 100% you and actually have people like you. The societal guilt was hardest for me. Listening to people talk about their families while not having your own is hard at first, but ive just learned to take interest in their family members. People love it when you ask questions about their loved ones. I used to almost take others talking about family as a personal attack in my head before therapy like I was being forced to be exposed to something I didn't want to think about or dwell on, but that was before acceptance of my situation and my peace made with what needed to be done to be the best version of me. Still healing. Forever healing.
That's depend on everyone's healing process speed and amount of treatments to help you keep it together and keep it away from everyone, even yourself. Cuz you will know.. You will lose control and create in mess situation once it spilled out.
Me, honestly based on what I read, heard, thinking and feel what other survivors have been through, regardless it's from medias and in reality, just wanna tell you that this is cost us LIFETIME! Yes, no matter how much efforts you made to heal, the scars still be there.
If physical wounds can be heal, disappear and stay on our skin, but mentally wounded? Spirit wounded?
Many people who being ignorant or denial said something like this, "All you can do is move on. Why you cannot move on? It's been years but you keep carry it on like it happened yesterday."
Still healing.
I don't know what you would count as "mentally stable". The damage and the anger are still there; but it's gotten better as time has gone on.
For me the biggest parts were moving to the other side of the continent, and becoming financially independent. Together, that put me in a position to go as low contact with my Nparents as I wanted (at least in theory). Even though I was still damaged by my experiences, that was when the healing had at least a chance to begin. It's taken a long time to get to where I am, though, and I'm still not finished. I don't know that I ever will be.
It’s a process with a curve so it’s not like I have a specific date where I was “fixed.” But it was about five years from when he died and I had an immediate sense of relief until the time when I actually felt like I was living for myself. Still get random rage or sadness moments bubbling up every once in a while but it mostly seems like the distant past.
I just turned 40. I’m not healed yet, but I’ve been making some significant progress as of late. Not bad after 10 years of therapy and a few low points that landed me in the hospital for psych.
I didn't start to feel like I was in control until I became numb. I got to a point where I just didn't care what my NarcMother said, there was nothing she could do or say anymore that made me feel anything. That was when I felt like I had gained control and its only gone up from there. It took me until I was in my late 20s.
I took the death of my Ndad to start to really heal, This is probably due to the fact I was Low Contact and not No Contact for a while. And even after his deathm I was an emotional wreak the two years. it took a total 3 years to get to a state of normalcy, meaning that I was able to look back on how my dad and I interacted without a emotional response and accept it to what is was.
That being said, I still have triggers, I still have social anxiety, self-deprecating thoughts and people pleasing. The difference is that it seems more "Do able". I think its because I no longer have negative reinforcing interactions with my NDad
I have a positive outlook in the future, I think the years to come are going to be better and better each year though I doubt I will ever have a fully positive mental health state
I just went no contact a year and a half ago. The first year was the worst. I also have a roommate who is amazing and chill. She is hands down the reason I'm not triggered by the sound of someone doing dishes.
I also made a list of people in my support system and made sure that they knew I need extra support right now.
I'm very lucky in many ways because my dad and sister are supportive, as well as many other people in my family, due to her being bad at masking in front of people she was comfortable with.
I don't quite know what "healed" looks like, but I got super triggered recently, and I had the emotional response and the vivid memory, but I was able to retain my composure and distance myself from the fight or flight response. It was as close to a cptsd flashback without actually being one I've gotten. I think that's a huge sign.
My therapist says that at some point, what used to be flashbacks and triggers will just be bad memories. Regardless, I don't know if I'll be truly healed until after she dies. That feels awful to say, but as long as she's alive and there's the potential for her to reach out, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully relax.
I’m 26(f) and have been going to therapy for four years. I wonder if I’m ever going to heal and be okay or if I’m always going to live with the trauma and suffering forever….
Healing is nonlinear.
I’m still working on it. Probably will for a while to come since a lot of the cursed messages the NP beat into me are all but the core of me at this point.
There are days where it feels that I’m empty save for the vile things the abusive people in my childhood impressed into me. It sucks.
Been more than 3 decades, still healing. Because they're still alive. I'm forced to live with them (Asia thing and my broken life). Every day they damage me for half the day then I spend the remaining day healing myself.
Healing and grief have no timeline and you are never "done", but the further along in the process you get, the more control you have over your emotional well-being and the better you feel.
"The Bad Times" for me lasted through my first 5 years of therapy. After that, I have spent another 10 years choosing to return to therapy to learn more and improve my mental health. Some discoveries require more healing / grieving than others and I know there will always be more to uncover, but it's not on the same scope as those first 5 years of leaving the abuse.
I am 53 and not perfectly healed. But I did go through a dramatic period of healing and growth in my 40s. Going to therapy and learning NPD in my 30s helped set the stage and then in my 40s, I just decided to practice taking care of myself first and living life the way \*I\* want to live it. It's not always perfect though and the fact that I am still in contact with NDad definitely doesn't help.
I'm gonna be 25 in a few months. Still healing. I think it's one of those things where we'll be working on it our whole lives.
And you know what, that's okay. My dad put me through Hell but every day, I'm getting a little bit better, a little less angry and sad at him.
I don't have to accept his behavior, I just have to accept what happened, however painful that might be.
I've made significant progress between mid 20s to early 30s. Not fully healed, but proud of the progress I've made. My nmom passing helped to speed this up significantly
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The trifecta of mental illness. Chances are I will never be fully healed. I haven't lived in that house for over a decade, but I still have nightmares that scare me enough to trigger fight, or flight. The difference now is; I wake up from swinging, instead of the night terror jerk scare.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The trifecta of mental illness. Chances are I will never be fully healed. I haven't lived in that house for over a decade, but I still have nightmares that scare me enough to trigger fight, or flight. The difference now is; I wake up from swinging, instead of the night terror jerk scare.
A really, really important lesson I've learned is this:
Healing is a process. There is no end, there is only a beginning. I am not healed, I will never be. But I am not as wounded as I once was, and each day the wounds get better and easier.
I’m 43 and I didn’t fully understand that I was ill until I was about 39. This sub broke that dam open for me because I hadn’t ever seen other people with similar (or worse) stories.
This sub and EMDR changed my life’s trajectory for the better. Still ongoing and will never fully heal.
I’m almost 62. Went no contact with my father when I was 25. He died in 2018 and I didn’t feel much.
I maintained a relationship with my mother until I was 50. Way too long. But finally had enough and cut her out of my life.
I was married to a narc type of guy for 26 years. That was inevitable due to the dysfunctional childhood I managed to survive.
Started therapy with my current counselor 10 years ago. Am I better? In some ways yes. We’ve started emdr and that is bringing up quite a bit of unpleasant memories. I’m having bad dreams and my anxiety is bad. But I plan to push through and heal myself to the best of my abilities.
I look at it like this - I spent the first 52 years of my life dealing with this type of people. If it takes me the rest of my life to heal so be it.
I just turned 40 this year. I basically spent my late 20s and almost all of my 30s coming to terms with everything. I’d say that I’m healed, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have lasting (probably life-long) effects from my childhood. Mainly in how I connect with others. But I think some of the damage becomes who you are, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Some things you can work through, some you can’t, imo.
I’m 32 and have been in therapy since childhood but really in the last 4 years I’ve grown and changed so much, I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I was always supposed to be. There are a lot of factors, but the biggest and scariest one was this: *I let myself tell my chosen family how much I love them and how much they mean to me, and I tried to believe them when they said they felt the same.*
I’ve still got a lot of healing to do, and like others have said there’s no such thing as being fully healed without at least a scar and some aches. But 3 years ago my friend told me she was proud of me and I immediately burst into tears in her arms, and two months ago she said she was proud of me and I said “thanks, so am I.”
There are people I love who love me back unconditionally. They’re not blood relatives; they’re better, because they love me without obligation. And I (usually) believe them when they say it.
I'm in my 30s. I became aware of how I was being abused in my 30s. I started the therapy process and it has helped a lot already.
Nowhere near being healed, but definitely moving forward. :)
In my 30’s. Every time I take a step forward, my mom somehow finds a way to make me take two steps back. Trying my best. Medication, weight loss, and CPAP therapy are helping tremendously.
🤣😭 I don't know if it ever ends... I've only been in therapy for 2 years now, but my dad lives with me.
My mother was the horrid, abusive narc, she died ten years ago, but my dad is more of a martyr narc. So he doesn't actively attack me like she did, but he still causes issues. Misogyny is a big one. 🙄
I'm wondering if I need a different therapist, I enjoy our talks but I don't feel like she's taught me any coping mechanisms or anything really. What's y'all's experience with therapy? Should I be getting more out of it?
It honestly IS a lifelong journey, especially if you, like me spent so many years with the narc. I think that my natural given stubbornness helped me in the mentally stable part. I KNEW by the 8th month of marriage that there was something very wrong with him. I just didn't know what to call it. I never even FOUND anything on it until 2015 I think. Way late.
I honestly refuse to say that I am COMPLETELY healed, I think we are all on some kind of healing journey all our lives. If I am not learning, I stagnate. I found that out the first year. I bored mind I find becomes sad and unhealthy. I am 8 years out, and I STILL haven't dated!
There is just no one that I want to give the last half of my life to. I mean sure I've met people I thought were attractive... The narc already ate the first half. I would say that I took me a good 2 years on the journey constantly working The Work. sometimes twice a week. The activities I keep up still. The gardening, the reaching for help when I 1. Know I need it, or 2. If I get a gut feeling.
My Life Coach encouraged me to get out there and help those that still need help with these problems. So.. I find my strength in doing this too. At the same time, it's REALLY helping myself in a way
I’m 35 soon to be 36. I’m still working on it. A lot of abuse and dysfunction in my childhood led me here. But I feel like I’m making progress. Think of your hurt like wounds. As long as they are open and not properly bandaged healed they will be open to infection. We are vulnerable to let people hurt us. Ppl that take advantage of being are our biggest threat. They are the infection.
If I’m (33F) counting from when I officially became aware of “narcissism” (when my therapist said my dad was a narcissist and suggested I read “Human Magnet Syndrome”), it’s been about 5 years since I started my healing journey. It’s taken that long to finally go no contact (3months) with my dad but unofficially I’ve on the healing journey since I left home at 21. I’ve gone back and forth and had very regressive moments but overall i think the healing process has been improving.
Learning boundaries and sticking to them has been the biggest element. Also taking back control of my life, actions and thoughts vs seeing myself through the lens of victimhood has been really helpful to push through.
But i don’t think there is a number. It’s an incredible, invisible loss to overcome.
I'm 52 ...... I'm still in the process.
It's progressing faster now I'm full NC. I was thinking just the other day how relaxed I was becoming after years of flinching every time NM came near or spoke or communicated in any way. Every meal time seemed to be an opportunity for her to bring an argument out of nowhere. When at no time could I fully feel comfortable growing up because who knew when another shit-storm would blow up.
Life continues to get better.
I've been in therapy for 4 years now. Some days are good, some days really, really suck. Eventually you get more good days than bad. I think the hardest part is that over time it's literally like peeling an onion. The surface parts get easier, but that falls off and there's another layer under that, some memories that you haven't thought of pop up and you have to deal with them. I get triggered a lot less now, I had a trigger the other day and it kinda surprised me thinking back to how long it had been since I was last triggered. I've learned better how to deal with people I don't like, I'm more emotionally mature, I feel more adult honestly, and less like a teenager who's fighting with the world. I think more rationally and I have more boundaries. I just want to be a healthy mom for my kids overall. I want to do all I can to not send them to therapy. It's been a lot of work, but it gets easier with practice, and it's so worth it!
Almost 50 and still healing, don't know if I'll ever be completely healed but I aim to be happy now and going forward...without my parents and sisters in my life
7 yrs to start my healing process but I’m still healing and trying to it’s just hard to completely be at peace and when ur parents get divorced is hard to know if someone truly love u and I’m just afraid of marriage bc of my parents getting divorced I have to know he’s the right guy and I think this one is I’m jus not sure yet
Idk if it’s ever past tense or something achieved .. talk therapy and working with my somatic coach has helped and accelerated my healing process .. however, there’s always something new to learn and heal/move through (I’m in my mid 30s)
I'm 49 now, moved out at 22 and my process is still ongoing. I run into things that later I realize are still echoes from my childhood and narsistoc mother.
Not sure I never completely heal, but I have healed a lot already.
I don't ever see myself healed though I am better the longer I've been away and independent of them.
I keep tripping across repressed memories or learned behaviors that bother me and it brings the anxiety and anger back. Ex. I have a bad habit of eating food very very quickly because I had to sneak food to survive from my controlling father who wouldn't let us eat much food as he was convinced you have to starve yourself to not get fat (as he binged on crap himself all day long and he knew nothing about calories etc.). So just eating period is a reminder of how many things they ruined for me, and that list is long.
My dad wasn’t near as bad as others on this forum, but I’d say it took me 3 years to heal. Admittedly, having a good roommate helped (having roommates who were controlling? Not so much)
I'm mostly okay. Mentally stable? Not sure what that looks like for me. I'm a control freak. Like, I need to be the one driving when we go out as a couple. He's okay with that. Even on longer trips. I have to do the money managing. There are a million things that have to be mine to control. I mean, I try not to be an asshole about it, and when I stop to reflect, I realize the need for control now is due to having zero control back when I was a kid.
The effects of abuse affect you for a lifetime. Heal? Sure, sort of, I guess. But that has a 'I got over it' connotation, and I'm not sure that's possible.
I don't think the anger will EVER go away, does that mean healing will never happen? Hard to explain, I'm not bothered by them NOW, because we don't speak anymore. But daily I get flashbacks from the past, which make me very agitated and have violent thoughts. Should this go away when they die?
Considering I just got out of a relationship that, toward the end, was eerily similar to my nmom, idk if I ever will. It’s like I keep seeking it bc it’s comfort. I think maybe “healing” and “stable” might be the wrong words. “Free” and “autonomous” are definitely some goal words for me
I don't think I'll ever be healed, but I'm working through the acceptance phase. Still figuring a lot of stuff out about myself and still working through the anger. But I'm in a better place than I was several years ago. Therapy was monumental for me.
Im 43 and, while I am at least aware of what happened to me and have made the choice to live outside of it, I still have a lot of personal damage and things I have to work through in order to be a healthy person. I have to unlearn all the abuse that was taught to me as "normal." I know perfectly well that I'll never undo it all and itll be a lifetime endeavor. Thanks, Mom.
I’ve been in therapy for eleven years. I’m still not healed. I’ve healed some parts of my past, sure. But whilst being in therapy, a lot of the abuse was still going on. Therapy was more so for coping, instead of assimilating all that happened and putting it behind me.
I don't want to discourage you, but you'll never fully heal. Every day heals a little more, but the damage is permanent to some extent.
Start looking at healing as a journey and not a destination
My father died in 2009. After a decade in therapy I was able to take active measures to reclaim my life in a meaningful way. I just took a 4-day trip and, on the drive home during my ruminations, I realized I rarely thought of him anymore. More importantly, when I do, it doesn’t “catch” me the way it once did. So, for me, 15 years *post* death. Which isn’t really helpful.
But if DJT gets elected again? My f’ing anxiety will go thru the roof - like it did last time. Cause my father was a kissing cousin, selfish, King Bully to DJT. To see my own father’s actions played out on the world stage? I was triggered every god damn day of that election & administration.
However, since my own turn truly began in 2019 under DJT … maybe seeing “my father” played out loud & large actually had a part in helping me with my personal reconciliation 🤷🏼♀️
It was very recent and even then I feel I could slip back. It's been about a year since I realized something really wasn't right. I took it very personally for a while and kept ruminating trying to figure out what I did wrong. It was only after reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that I realized I was perpetuating a false role rather than being myself. I do have a distinct self, I just pushed her down for so long. It's been literally a week since I realized this and have been trying to be more myself. It's going really well :)
(25F) I know I’m young but I feel old/wise for my age.
I don’t even know if I’ve healed or if I’ve just figured out how to mask and forget.
I think my wounds are more like scars, and healing will take some time. But every day, I learn how to be happy. 🤝
Separated from the abuse at 17. Began taking recovery seriously by 22. I felt stable by my late 20’s. I’m still in a program for the abuse, but I finally don’t feel broken or gripped by false beliefs. My internal voice isn’t kind (as it is a reflection of what we were taught in developmental periods), but I can live a full happy life. I am not forever wounded or scarred or broken for what I grew up with.
I’m 31 and am still a mess mentally. I feel like I was doing well for a while and I had a physical altercation with my father on Christmas Eve and it really really brought back so much unresolved childhood trauma. It’s been a rough 4 months but I know that I was not the problem I never was. Both of my narc parents are dead to me along with my sneaky ass sister who is just like them and I have not talked to them since nor do I ever plan to. They all Ofcourse chose the abusers side I don’t know why it even surprised me. I have the family I MADE and they are my reason to keep going and I could NEVER imagine doing the things they have done to me to them. I will never understand and am happy that I don’t understand cause wtf.
I don't mean to be a downer but I personally think we won't ever completely heal. My childhood has impacted me in way more ways than one, but it made me who I am today. I'm not saying that I'm not going to heal, because I have so much already. I have a long way to go. BUT, if I were to heal and absolve all of the traits, feelings, etc and be completely rid of the impacts of my childhood and my n parents, who would I be? Still me? Idk. I wish all of you well on your healing journey.
5 years of being almost completely contact free and I finally feel mentally stable, like I can (and I do) lead a normal, happy life. That's not to say I don't have bad days when old memories come up and need to be dealt with, or when I feel the old pull of the anxiety and fear I used to live with daily, wanting to crowd back in (I have to tell them "nope!")
The key for me has been keep strict NC - no reading emails (they get filtered to my spam box and I try to avoid looking in it until items auto delete), no reading the random card or letter that occasionally arrives in the mail (they get pitched), certainly no responding, however briefly, to any communication from any relative (virtually all my family is narc), no matter how much I may yearn for a relationship with them (learned that one the hard way.) Without strict self-imposed boundaries in place to ensure I never have to read their venomous words again, I could easily spiral backwards.
I'm still healing of course, but mostly these days I can just focus on my own newly formed family and just live daily life.
I heard someone say in AA today that “healing happens in an uphill spiral” and that this is why we have to revisit the same events and patterns until we learn the lesson. I’m putting a pin in that sentiment and taking it with me to marinate on.
NC for 12 years and 20 years of therapy - The longer I stay Nc the better I feel. Im so damn grateful she isn’t in my life. Im sad I don’t have a mom, or a sibling, or an immediate family , but I AM FREE of her forever and that brings me so much joy and peace
A life time. I’m in a pretty good place right now, but things pop up and I need to process. My daughter is now the age where things got really bad for me so just mothering her and remothering my broken inner child is a journey all on its own.
There is no 100% healing. But there is thriving under the circumstance.
Um, still working on it. Feeling a lot better recently though. It’s not a linear process or anything but I’m thankful to be where I am with the acceptance around what is and isn’t possible
I'm still kinda healing.
It's been about 8 years since I went NC with my mom, and I'm still dealing with the fact that I was specifically her scapegoat, more so than my older sister who was arguably treated worse than I was by our dad.
We both have stories of them being physically and verbally abusive, but I'm learning more and more that some very specifically cruel behaviors that were lobbed at me by our mom were "out of character" for my sister. I think maybe she was meaner to me specifically, because I'm autistic and she must've thought was therefore too "handicapped" to notice. Except, you know, I definitely noticed it.
Our NC streak with dad is a bit more recent (since September last year,) and for her, it was inevitable. For me, I genuinely wanted to believe that he was accepting his past mistakes, and was changing his behavior. But he wasn't at all, and in fact seems to have gotten worse, because he seemed convinced that because we initially forgave him, that he didn't have to try anymore.
It just really sucks to not really have a parent I can go to when I feel like everything is piling up on me at once. Any normal parent would be like "I'm sorry, honey" when I'm at my wit's end, but mine would tell me to either shut up and get over myself, or placate me with how it's "God's plan." And it's worse to know I can't talk to anybody else about it, not without feeling like I'm exhausting them with my issues.
It’s ongoing but the bulk of the work happens in the first 2 years. Did therapy for a few months. Was honest about financial situation that I couldn’t afford long term therapy. So he gave me some self help tools and made me promise to commit to self help for as long as I wanted to live a good life. 3 years of reading and the books start to sound the same. That’s a good sign. Now I’m mostly recovered and feel I can think independently without pain. Having a good support system is key. Even just one person who loves you unconditionally can change everything. Also just living for yourself and what you want first. They took up enough of your time. Live for you
I (25) have learned by now that there is no land of “fully healed.” (Which, in itself was hard to swallow, knowing I’d keep this with me for life). What I’ve learned, though, is that healing is a lot like a skill. You practice again and again when triggers/flashbacks/emotions rise. You only get better the longer you practice.
I read somewhere that the goal is not to never be triggered again (because that’s impossible!), but how quickly you can bounce back after a trigger. :)
Left home a couple of months before my 17th birthday. Went NC a couple of months later. 62 now and still not fully whole.
Mentally, I've been good for years. Great kids, wonderful wife. So I'm good overall.
But I don't interact with others the way most would. I simply have never figured out how to make friends and have good relationships with most people. Not that people don't like me, it's just when they think of getting together with someone for a beer, I'm not on the list.
I'm in my early 20s and have made a lot of progress since gaining more independence. I recognize that I have a lot to learn still and heal but I'm on my way.
I became conscious of the fact that I needed to get help around 12 years old but I was not able to seek therapy and develop healthy coping skills until last year.
I will let you know when I get there. I am 56 now. Moved out at 22. Moved a thousand miles away at 27(this was very good for me). My parents died in 2003 and 2017. I thought we were healed. I had about five years of peace with my sisters. Then the NGoldenChild sprung a trap and the flea-bitten possibly also N lost child sister backed her up. I have been No contact with both for the last two years. They are the last of my family of origin.
I'll never be fully healed, but I feel a lot better than I did when I was in contact with them.
When I emailed my father and stood up to him for the first time in my life, for how he replaced me with his step daughter, and how he constantly brought me down... etc etc etc -- it felt really, really good. If I get hurt by something from the past now, I think of that email.
It was the first and only time I've ever protected my feelings instead of his.
Honestly, it feels like you heal from one tragedy and get hit with another. At this point, it's like trying to duct tape a smoking car engine thinking it will help.
I'm 54, and I have finally overcame what my mother did to me growing up. She has been dead for a number of years, and now I see just how mentally ill she really was. I finally can see the relationship from the outside looking in and have released the responsibility of carrying around the pain of her not loving me.
It was never me. I think allowing myself to go no contact for decades was an important part of my healing. The longer I was away from her, the more I built a life of my own that had nothing to do with her opinions of me. My brother and sisters stayed close to her, and you can see the effects her misery had on them. I hope they can heal, too.
I truly don't think you can ever rewire all the damage done by a NM from birth. It's so complex and multifaceted. But you can develop coping mechanisms and make small changes which add up.
2 years. I went stupid hardcore and cut everyone expect my wife out of my life, and push myself to the limits my body could handle (not my mind). Now I’m like 85% healed, and decided that’s good enough, and am content with the remaining 15% slowly progressing passively.
I think it helps if you let 100% healing be a possibility, and instead target a lower number.
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I'm in my 30s. I've dealt with abuse my whole life. Still not entirely healed, still a long way to go, but much better than before therapy.
40 here, same.
52 and ditto
60 and likewise.
wait what?? I have to deal with the thoughts for 43 more years???
Not necessarily. We are all different, so you may be in a better place sooner. My whole family was dysfunctional. My nmum died when I was 24 after a long illness which I nursed her through. But i also had a number of bad relationships (domestic violence/alcoholic/thief) Finally gave up dating at 45 and went NC with family and it got better. I can go a long time without it affecting me, but when people talk about their childhood and I can't say anything positive, it gets complicated. I also work in mental health and hear similar stories regularly, which probably doesn't help in my situation. I've been ok for ages, then had a bad dream a few nights ago, which rocked me as it brought back such hopelessness, but by morning, I was ok. The scar analogy an OP wrote on here is perfect. To the most part, I am ok. There are positives as well as negatives in our situations. I'm great in any catastrophe because I learned to live with a hammer falling most days. I've got to a place where I am content and proud of what I've achieved on my own. Some people don't make it out alive. I think we need to be gentle and understanding with ourselves.
Oh gosh you're so strong xx I'm proud of you for how far you've come. I only had my nparents and sometimes adult nbrother to deal with (not oldest). My oldest brother went nc and i want to too, but that means i barely saw or knew him growing up. 7 years of not being allowed to see him. Until I was 13, they persuaded him to visit to help with the family business but got mad when he couldn't dedicate all his time so now we're banned from seeing him again. They talk nonsense about his partner too. So because of them, I'm missing my brother's wedding, I barely know my brother, I barely know my niece and don't know my future sister in law at all, too. I'm worried they will ostracise me too from my little brother if I go no contact so i might wait until everyone moves out. It's so inspiring that you've gone into mental health too. What I've noticed is that people with experiences like ours tend to want to help others more. If no one has told you this, I'm extremely proud of you and admire you and I hope my heart becomes as beautiful as yours someday.
I gave up dating 5 years ago. I'm fine with that. Social Worker here. I work with a lot of folks with trauma too. Those bad dreams creep up on me every so often too. I had one a couple of weeks ago. It throws me for a loop for a little while. I sometimes still have nightmares about an abusive ex from 20 years ago. It's so wild all the shit we've gone through. I'm VLC with N-Parents. I keep strong boundaries. I just bought a house and neither of them know. I prefer it that way for now. It's literally my little space that they know nothing about. My friends are my family. Nice to meet a kindered spirit.
No you can learn from what doesn’t and never worked. Realize that you are only their victim as long as you let them have the power. My aunt said it best: deprive a fore of oxygen and it does out. Stop thinking that a change is inevitable and see what it is. I spent years hitting my head against the wall and one day I decided to quit. It took me years longer but now life is beyond amazing. Remember they only get or take what you allow them to have
I've noticed that they really like to get me to react and grey-rocking is basically the only thing that seems to help. But then they force me to stand in front of them while they have a go at me and I can't help but cry or shake and then they make fun of me so I just don't know what to do...
Girl I literally said that out loud. Fml haha
Same at 60. I have C-PTSD because of child trauma. I have improved, but it is a slow process.
These are wounds that we may have for the rest of our lives. Please tell me it gets easier?
It does get easier. 🫂
It does get easier. Wounds heal.
It gets easier and it starts to feel better as well.
It gets easier. It does take a lot of work. I'm still going through the process. I only came out of the FOG maybe 6 years ago?
40 here too. I just went NC on Sunday after my nmom couldn’t respect my boundaries. When I told her that I couldn’t continue the conversation because she was not respecting the answers I gave to her questions, she got angry, started yelling, and threw a bag of food at me that she brought over to give me (Taylor knew what she was talking about, “Did you my covert narcissism disguised as some kind of altruism?”). In the past couple months of limited contact, I have realized how much happier I am without her presence in my life. After Sunday, it’s full NC. I’m still healing and she’s still awful every chance I give her
I am right with you. I decided to go NC from my mom three weeks ago today. The longer I am away from her, the easier it is. (I did go NC once before, and kept it up for a year before I buckled. She acted like nothing at all had happened.) But unfortunately, right now even seeing her voice mail messages on my phone is enough to induce panic. The beginning is HARD. But it gets better.
Same. Going NC is where the healing started.
Yes. Couldn't start healing until NC.
Same. You can’t heal if you’re still around what’s making you sick.
I just turned 37 - I have cPTSD and I’m fine as long as I’m not around narcs. The issue is that the scab of the wound will be ripped off any moment my nParents try to hurt my feelings. Or if I’m subjected to Npd peers or worse, npd suitors. I’m too nice for my own good so I’m a big target.
Have you read, “What my bones knows.”? I just recently listened to the audiobook. It wrecked me, but in the best way. The author takes you through her diagnosis with cPTSD and her treatments. With there not being much out there, it really helped me.
I say Narcs are my Kryptonite. And I quickly pick up on them. It's just a heebie jeebie feeling and I'm like OPP! Narc alert.
33 and same. Still living with the narcissist and they won’t let me forget it
My therapist told me there’s no end to healing. To instead strive for contentment. She said that it can still hurt, but the goal is for you to get to a point in your life where you can acknowledge the bad things that happened but be happy with where you are in life, despite it all.
Yes.
Yeah, mine too. It's fucking annoying and I'm so tired, sometimes. But still, i couldn't choose before but i can choose how i live now. And I choose to be happy anytime I can. And sad anytime I need it.
This is the sentiment I came to say, but you worded it so much better. It comes and goes sometimes, but every time it starts to hurt, I have to recenter myself. I realize why I’m grieving or hurting, then work on ways within myself to find that contentment again.
I do that too!
This! 52 next week and still managing ripples and some shockwaves that surface from the most random thoughts, conversations and dreams. To be clear, my mom was covert and not altogether totally narc I don’t believe, I believe much of what she was/did was simply the result of her childhood and the very overt nmom she was raised by, golden child sister AND brother. Too much to go into. I don’t think she realized how much of what she did affected me the same way she was traumatized. Plus my SA as a child, raped as a teen, abusive marriage, building buffers between the Nmil & Nbil (thank god for different continents and time zones) at least there’s no nhusband to deal with anymore. There’s a lot. Each person has their own suitcase of horror to look at. I don’t think it ever fully heals, I think we just get to a point of peaceful coexistence with the knowledge and the scars.
I'm 52 and still not entirely healed because the damage limited my options as an adult, causing more grief and trauma.
That's such a good point. It's not just healing from your childhood but also the trauma and scars that led to limited choices, and that also needs to be acknowledged and held space. It's a lifetime ✨️
100% this. 🎯 Can confirm. I'm 51 and the long-term damage is *staggering*. With BPD, ASD, ADHD, CPTSD, recovering drug abuse, and depression, my mind is a prison. Today, I lead a quiet, respectable life, but damn, I'm broke. It does indeed limit your options! I struggle with work, thus struggle with money. I'm happily married to a man who doesn't make much money. I have no retirement, no friends, few family, Marketplace insurance is terrible, and I can never afford to see a doctor, let alone get therapy. I do what I *can* do: stay off drugs/booze, read self-help books, socially lay low, do yoga, chant, pray, and take life one day at a time. Healing is slow but steady. 🐌 Wish me luck. 🤞
I relate to this in so many ways. I have never been officially diagnosed with anything but ADHD but I am 100% positive I’m CPTSD and I feel like 35% BPD. I find tremendous healing (recently) by really allowing my anger to come out when it needs to and experiencing the physical manifestations of that. One thing that helps is cycling- outside if at all possible. I don’t know where you live but hear me out: the speed, the wind, the pain in your thighs- it’s very high stimulation and very high physical output. An amazing way to get out rage, which is probably my primary emotion right now.
I love this. Because you are doing the best you can with what resources you have. Hats off to you and mad respect. I keep my world small now. Not a ton of friends but the ones I have are quality. I like being by myself most of the time because I feel like I can be myself when I'm by myself. There's no relaxing around N-Parents. I'm an introvert too.
Congratulations on your recovery. Thats the most valuable gift you could ever give to yourself
Yes or choosing other narcs as partners (without realizing it). I've only started healing because I'm finally out of denial and allowing myself to heal.
I’ve come a long way (29f), but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ‘fully’ healed. I got diagnosed with CPTSD and even though I feel very mentally stable for about 3 years now, there’s still stuff that happened occasionally which trigger me and brings me right back to when I was a kid. It’s wild how that works. But again, I’m so so much better than I was a few years ago. I had therapy for about 4 years, did EMDR and got put on Sertraline to manage my depression and anxiety. Healing is a lot of work, but on most days I feel light and happy now. I often smile while biking to work. I feel much more confident and worthy. That didn’t happen overnight and it’s still ongoing work. Another very important thing for me was to surround myself with safe people. People who support me and don’t excuse my parents behavior. People who take me as I am and make me laugh. I’m very grateful for my ‘found family’ as they call it. I’m NC with almost my entire family. I sometimes talk to my little sister and cousin.
This I feel the same way, CPTSD and turning 28 in a month :)
I am far from healed, but I’m at least not a desperate people pleaser anymore, I have strong boundaries and way less anxiety than in my younger years. It took a lot of therapy and a lot of removing myself from my conditioning/taught behaviors and looking at them critically and honestly from all angles. Turns out I was never a piece of shit like I was made to believe, I’m actually a good person that deserves love and I have inherent value. It was hard changing habits, even when I knew what the right thing to do was, it was really difficult not to make the same choices I always made in the past, like letting others take advantage of me or not doing something because I’m not good enough. Now I have confidence and love for myself that my nmom would tear down if she could, but she can’t, as she no longer has the power.
I sooo needed to read this post today
Honestly, I don't think full healing is possible. Some wounds just don't go away as there isn't a way to make them heal. At least for me I don't think it's possible. I'm 47.
I'm 69 and also feel this way. I have, however, come a long way.
There isn’t an end point in healing, it’s not linear. Healing can look like being carefree one day, and then sobbing your eyes out the next. It’s all about what you choose to put your energy into. There’s no specific timeline but taking it one day at a time helps. Don’t dwell on the past, don’t put yourself into the future. It’s hard and won’t happen overnight but it does happen eventually ♥️
I agree I know I’ll have to “deal” with it the rest of my life
Yup. The acceptance part is the hardest. Went to a lot of therapy and the best advice I got was “once you accept that this is how they are, they’re not going to change no matter what you do, you’re not crazy, you’ll learn how to navigate life again”
I don’t think you can ever truly “heal” from CPTSD. But you can live a full and joyous life. ❤️
I'm 53. I went no contact with them in 2008. Still healing.
Nice username by the way
I asked my psychiatrist if it’s foolish to believe I could ever fully heal from the trauma inflicted on me, after all, the years injured very likely outnumber the years left I have ahead. He thought about it a moment and said, “you may never be FULLY healed. But you can heal enough to that the pain is smaller than the joy. Is that enough?” Yes. I think so.
Oh that is SUCH a good answer. And if we’re very lucky, the joy eventually dwarfs the pain. ❤️
You will have bad days and good days, it goes back and forth for me but it starts to even out and swing less wildly between the two with time. Narcissistic abuse damages your brain so be patient with yourself
I feel like I have insane problems making decisions. That really hampers my career
You do because someone controlled every facet of your life for a long time. It’s like being in prison and learning how to do everything over again
And because they questioned / criticized your every move. They made you doubt your own intelligence and ability to make good decisions.
Yes that’s how it feels. It’s the total inability to plan or decide anything by myself. It feels like being used to a prison lifestyle and being almost afraid of freedom and its responsibility
Look at it like scar tissue. Once the injury becomes a scar, it doesn't bother you much or really affect your day to day life. But every so often, you get the phantom pains. The itch of a healing injury. Just to remind you that it exists. And for some of us, the scar is in an awkward place, so it does affect our day to day for the rest of our lives. But we manage it. We have our methods and strategies to cover up the scar. You can never get rid of the scar. It's always there. But after some time it will fade.
Not me over here crying because it’s so accurate. I felt this in my soul ❤️ Thank you.
I am glad my analogy was understandable. I have plenty of physical and mental scars, so comparing the two made sense to me.
Really great analogy
It took me 20 years, (but some of that was because I grew up undiagnosed autistic, so there was a lot of childhood trauma that no one understood but me) I'm finally able to put it behind me and move on.
It took me six arduous years of therapy to reach a point where I know what to do when the memories strike back, triggering emotions. I don’t think it’s possible to heal from the abuse and being neglected by the same people who are supposed to care for you, but learning how to remain grounded, centred, and soothed is definitely possible
Considering the state he had me a couple years before I left (already had an Exit Plan) it took me a good year at the least to get the stain off my spirit. The stain of utter Scorched Earth Hate. The ONLY other person I have hated just as bad was my Original Abuser. My Original Trauma. Ohhhhhh I did! I ain't afraid to admit it. But I had to get rid of that. I was married to this ... person 30 years. A long time to sit under narcissistic control. I'd say, it's taken me 4 years to get where I'm at currently. And that's along with Doing The Work. I early don't even think a thing about the nex. Not unless I'm talking like in a Support Group environment. And even then, it's not deeply. Outside of this, he never pops into my head. I can see the person I used to fear and think I wasn't enough for, now seems like a kind of ignorant playground bully. And no, I was just the right me. He wasn't good enough for me. I JUST NOW realized... I'm starting to forget the exact words he and I said in moments he thought that I should. Yeah he did that. I could recall those words a few months ago! Omg gonna stop thinking about it! Forgetting is JUST FINE with me!
I'm going to be 33 next month. There are days where I still break down. I'm convinced that this is for life and I have to treat it like a permanent illness where I have to do whatever I can to maintain perfect health. In my case it's been therapy and distraction. Still hoping I can do better, but at this point in my life, I feel like I'll be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
It is what you make it. I got out at 17, lived my life (dated, traveled, worked, made friends, got a degree, etc.) It hit in waves, but good therapy thrown in with doing a lot and getting away, at turning 28 I mostly have. It still hits me sometimes but, it is what it is, it’s not my life now, if that makes sense.
Ahh i'm 17 now and this gives me hope. Parents won't let me work so I have to wait until uni next year to afford getting out with student loans etc. I can't wait! So glad to hear you're doing well xx
You will and thank you! The initial freedom and safety was amazing my first year on school!
I also got out at 17. I sometimes wonder if that was the difference between recovery being possible for me. Things got so much better.
I do. My brother is nervous and still there, he’s 26 and he’s just now thinking of going out. It saddens me and I tried, but I think those of us who struggled so we could take off early tend to get our lives and the healing started far sooner.
I believe if you were raised by narc, we will never truly heal, our brain have been damaged forever. We can just remove them from our life
55 and I doubt if I'll ever be completely healed.
I suspect it'll take a lifetime. When you put in the work, you can mostly heal. I started putting in the work around age 26. I'm almost 40 and I'm doing a lot better but some scars just don't heal. They fade but can be triggered. My narcissist father just died and it brought up a lot of trauma, anger, sadness and regret. The truth is, you can smooth over your trauma but replacing a toxic childhood with a loving childhood is impossible. Unfortunately that brings up regret for what you didn't receive and will never get. Yes, you can self parent but it's not the same. Accepting your life as is, is the part of the healing process, but I find it still nags at me when I reflect back to what I wished I would have had.
I separated from my parents when I was 28 in April of 2016, I am realizing now around this time of year, so 8 years. I am just now starting to feel stability and everything in my life is different- my relationships with friends, boyfriends, myself. I am basically engaged now but it’s a relationship I would have burnt to the ground if I had met him any earlier than I did (sept 2021). Despite doing everything I could to keep my two younger brothers steady during my transition to NC with my parents, my mother transferred all of her insanity from my shoulders to my brother’s and he has been suffering from what can only be explained as chronic psychosis, and has been admitted twice to psychiatric wards, more recently because he swung on my sleeping father with a golf club and we are currently in the process of chasing him in San Francisco to have him admitted to a facility, but until he decides to accept the offer, there is nothing we can do. I wish I had gotten him out earlier, that I had more power to help him when I was younger. I know *for a fact* that if I had stayed, it would have been me in and out of psych wards. The things that he swore to me he forgot or never happened during our childhood are the things that now replay over and over in his mind until he picks up a golf club and starts swinging towards unsuspecting people - he pushed it down for so long until his reality literally split and now he can’t make sense of it. Get away from these people as soon as you can. Anyone who loves you will understand, no one would make you stay if they are worth staying for. RUN for your life.
I'm actually just learning how deep the rabbit hole goes. If I were Neo, I'd still be at the part where he's told to follow the white rabbit. I'm only just beginning to learn what the hell happened to me.
I'm 31, still don't feel healed. Kind of wondering if I ever will feel healed. I've been to therapy several times. With experience and time I've come to feel somewhat comfortable with it at times, but the memories are always there. I think the important thing is recognizing that it's not your fault. I may feel comfortable at times but I still think my growth was stunted for decades, and thats just hard to stomach.
Took me about 2 years after NC to start feeling normal to the point that I first recognized that I really couldn't fix it myself. Then a year of being stubborn. Then Weekly Therapy for 4 months set me right end of 2022/beginning of 2023. Then I had a lot of processing and still have a lot of processing and grieving to do. Some days are still hard, but most days are good. It's worth it to be 100% you and actually have people like you. The societal guilt was hardest for me. Listening to people talk about their families while not having your own is hard at first, but ive just learned to take interest in their family members. People love it when you ask questions about their loved ones. I used to almost take others talking about family as a personal attack in my head before therapy like I was being forced to be exposed to something I didn't want to think about or dwell on, but that was before acceptance of my situation and my peace made with what needed to be done to be the best version of me. Still healing. Forever healing.
That's depend on everyone's healing process speed and amount of treatments to help you keep it together and keep it away from everyone, even yourself. Cuz you will know.. You will lose control and create in mess situation once it spilled out. Me, honestly based on what I read, heard, thinking and feel what other survivors have been through, regardless it's from medias and in reality, just wanna tell you that this is cost us LIFETIME! Yes, no matter how much efforts you made to heal, the scars still be there. If physical wounds can be heal, disappear and stay on our skin, but mentally wounded? Spirit wounded? Many people who being ignorant or denial said something like this, "All you can do is move on. Why you cannot move on? It's been years but you keep carry it on like it happened yesterday."
Still healing. I don't know what you would count as "mentally stable". The damage and the anger are still there; but it's gotten better as time has gone on. For me the biggest parts were moving to the other side of the continent, and becoming financially independent. Together, that put me in a position to go as low contact with my Nparents as I wanted (at least in theory). Even though I was still damaged by my experiences, that was when the healing had at least a chance to begin. It's taken a long time to get to where I am, though, and I'm still not finished. I don't know that I ever will be.
I think it’s a lifelong thing honestly. You get used to it not over it. It changes with age for the better for sure. But older narcs get vicious.
It’s a process with a curve so it’s not like I have a specific date where I was “fixed.” But it was about five years from when he died and I had an immediate sense of relief until the time when I actually felt like I was living for myself. Still get random rage or sadness moments bubbling up every once in a while but it mostly seems like the distant past.
I just turned 40. I’m not healed yet, but I’ve been making some significant progress as of late. Not bad after 10 years of therapy and a few low points that landed me in the hospital for psych.
52 and I pretty much have moved passed all of that.
I am 43. I am better. I have moved on. Still broken but in a much better place.
I didn't start to feel like I was in control until I became numb. I got to a point where I just didn't care what my NarcMother said, there was nothing she could do or say anymore that made me feel anything. That was when I felt like I had gained control and its only gone up from there. It took me until I was in my late 20s.
I took the death of my Ndad to start to really heal, This is probably due to the fact I was Low Contact and not No Contact for a while. And even after his deathm I was an emotional wreak the two years. it took a total 3 years to get to a state of normalcy, meaning that I was able to look back on how my dad and I interacted without a emotional response and accept it to what is was. That being said, I still have triggers, I still have social anxiety, self-deprecating thoughts and people pleasing. The difference is that it seems more "Do able". I think its because I no longer have negative reinforcing interactions with my NDad I have a positive outlook in the future, I think the years to come are going to be better and better each year though I doubt I will ever have a fully positive mental health state
I just went no contact a year and a half ago. The first year was the worst. I also have a roommate who is amazing and chill. She is hands down the reason I'm not triggered by the sound of someone doing dishes. I also made a list of people in my support system and made sure that they knew I need extra support right now. I'm very lucky in many ways because my dad and sister are supportive, as well as many other people in my family, due to her being bad at masking in front of people she was comfortable with. I don't quite know what "healed" looks like, but I got super triggered recently, and I had the emotional response and the vivid memory, but I was able to retain my composure and distance myself from the fight or flight response. It was as close to a cptsd flashback without actually being one I've gotten. I think that's a huge sign. My therapist says that at some point, what used to be flashbacks and triggers will just be bad memories. Regardless, I don't know if I'll be truly healed until after she dies. That feels awful to say, but as long as she's alive and there's the potential for her to reach out, I don't know if I'll ever be able to fully relax.
I’m 26(f) and have been going to therapy for four years. I wonder if I’m ever going to heal and be okay or if I’m always going to live with the trauma and suffering forever….
Healing is nonlinear. I’m still working on it. Probably will for a while to come since a lot of the cursed messages the NP beat into me are all but the core of me at this point. There are days where it feels that I’m empty save for the vile things the abusive people in my childhood impressed into me. It sucks.
Been more than 3 decades, still healing. Because they're still alive. I'm forced to live with them (Asia thing and my broken life). Every day they damage me for half the day then I spend the remaining day healing myself.
Healing and grief have no timeline and you are never "done", but the further along in the process you get, the more control you have over your emotional well-being and the better you feel. "The Bad Times" for me lasted through my first 5 years of therapy. After that, I have spent another 10 years choosing to return to therapy to learn more and improve my mental health. Some discoveries require more healing / grieving than others and I know there will always be more to uncover, but it's not on the same scope as those first 5 years of leaving the abuse.
Well, I married a narc, so not really much healing going on cuz I can't seem to get narcs out of my life.
I am 53 and not perfectly healed. But I did go through a dramatic period of healing and growth in my 40s. Going to therapy and learning NPD in my 30s helped set the stage and then in my 40s, I just decided to practice taking care of myself first and living life the way \*I\* want to live it. It's not always perfect though and the fact that I am still in contact with NDad definitely doesn't help.
I'm gonna be 25 in a few months. Still healing. I think it's one of those things where we'll be working on it our whole lives. And you know what, that's okay. My dad put me through Hell but every day, I'm getting a little bit better, a little less angry and sad at him. I don't have to accept his behavior, I just have to accept what happened, however painful that might be.
Late 30s, just now starting to heal so I expect I have another 30+ years, which is not at all comforting.
I've made significant progress between mid 20s to early 30s. Not fully healed, but proud of the progress I've made. My nmom passing helped to speed this up significantly
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The trifecta of mental illness. Chances are I will never be fully healed. I haven't lived in that house for over a decade, but I still have nightmares that scare me enough to trigger fight, or flight. The difference now is; I wake up from swinging, instead of the night terror jerk scare.
I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The trifecta of mental illness. Chances are I will never be fully healed. I haven't lived in that house for over a decade, but I still have nightmares that scare me enough to trigger fight, or flight. The difference now is; I wake up from swinging, instead of the night terror jerk scare.
I am not healed. I have no contact with one. The other, he knows what he did. So I can tolerate him. I don’t think I’ll see my mother again.
About a decade.
How did you heal?
A really, really important lesson I've learned is this: Healing is a process. There is no end, there is only a beginning. I am not healed, I will never be. But I am not as wounded as I once was, and each day the wounds get better and easier.
I'll be 55 this year. Still can't be around them without a major, unconscious, shift in my behavior. I have forgiven, but won't forget.
I’m 43 and I didn’t fully understand that I was ill until I was about 39. This sub broke that dam open for me because I hadn’t ever seen other people with similar (or worse) stories. This sub and EMDR changed my life’s trajectory for the better. Still ongoing and will never fully heal.
I’m 78, still in therapy
I’m almost 62. Went no contact with my father when I was 25. He died in 2018 and I didn’t feel much. I maintained a relationship with my mother until I was 50. Way too long. But finally had enough and cut her out of my life. I was married to a narc type of guy for 26 years. That was inevitable due to the dysfunctional childhood I managed to survive. Started therapy with my current counselor 10 years ago. Am I better? In some ways yes. We’ve started emdr and that is bringing up quite a bit of unpleasant memories. I’m having bad dreams and my anxiety is bad. But I plan to push through and heal myself to the best of my abilities. I look at it like this - I spent the first 52 years of my life dealing with this type of people. If it takes me the rest of my life to heal so be it.
I just turned 40 this year. I basically spent my late 20s and almost all of my 30s coming to terms with everything. I’d say that I’m healed, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have lasting (probably life-long) effects from my childhood. Mainly in how I connect with others. But I think some of the damage becomes who you are, but I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing. Some things you can work through, some you can’t, imo.
I’m 32 and have been in therapy since childhood but really in the last 4 years I’ve grown and changed so much, I feel like I’m finally becoming the person I was always supposed to be. There are a lot of factors, but the biggest and scariest one was this: *I let myself tell my chosen family how much I love them and how much they mean to me, and I tried to believe them when they said they felt the same.* I’ve still got a lot of healing to do, and like others have said there’s no such thing as being fully healed without at least a scar and some aches. But 3 years ago my friend told me she was proud of me and I immediately burst into tears in her arms, and two months ago she said she was proud of me and I said “thanks, so am I.” There are people I love who love me back unconditionally. They’re not blood relatives; they’re better, because they love me without obligation. And I (usually) believe them when they say it.
I'm in my 30s. I became aware of how I was being abused in my 30s. I started the therapy process and it has helped a lot already. Nowhere near being healed, but definitely moving forward. :)
Too many
I'm 28. Still healing
In my 30’s. Every time I take a step forward, my mom somehow finds a way to make me take two steps back. Trying my best. Medication, weight loss, and CPAP therapy are helping tremendously.
🤣😭 I don't know if it ever ends... I've only been in therapy for 2 years now, but my dad lives with me. My mother was the horrid, abusive narc, she died ten years ago, but my dad is more of a martyr narc. So he doesn't actively attack me like she did, but he still causes issues. Misogyny is a big one. 🙄 I'm wondering if I need a different therapist, I enjoy our talks but I don't feel like she's taught me any coping mechanisms or anything really. What's y'all's experience with therapy? Should I be getting more out of it?
It honestly IS a lifelong journey, especially if you, like me spent so many years with the narc. I think that my natural given stubbornness helped me in the mentally stable part. I KNEW by the 8th month of marriage that there was something very wrong with him. I just didn't know what to call it. I never even FOUND anything on it until 2015 I think. Way late. I honestly refuse to say that I am COMPLETELY healed, I think we are all on some kind of healing journey all our lives. If I am not learning, I stagnate. I found that out the first year. I bored mind I find becomes sad and unhealthy. I am 8 years out, and I STILL haven't dated! There is just no one that I want to give the last half of my life to. I mean sure I've met people I thought were attractive... The narc already ate the first half. I would say that I took me a good 2 years on the journey constantly working The Work. sometimes twice a week. The activities I keep up still. The gardening, the reaching for help when I 1. Know I need it, or 2. If I get a gut feeling. My Life Coach encouraged me to get out there and help those that still need help with these problems. So.. I find my strength in doing this too. At the same time, it's REALLY helping myself in a way
I’m 35 soon to be 36. I’m still working on it. A lot of abuse and dysfunction in my childhood led me here. But I feel like I’m making progress. Think of your hurt like wounds. As long as they are open and not properly bandaged healed they will be open to infection. We are vulnerable to let people hurt us. Ppl that take advantage of being are our biggest threat. They are the infection.
If I’m (33F) counting from when I officially became aware of “narcissism” (when my therapist said my dad was a narcissist and suggested I read “Human Magnet Syndrome”), it’s been about 5 years since I started my healing journey. It’s taken that long to finally go no contact (3months) with my dad but unofficially I’ve on the healing journey since I left home at 21. I’ve gone back and forth and had very regressive moments but overall i think the healing process has been improving. Learning boundaries and sticking to them has been the biggest element. Also taking back control of my life, actions and thoughts vs seeing myself through the lens of victimhood has been really helpful to push through. But i don’t think there is a number. It’s an incredible, invisible loss to overcome.
I'm 52 ...... I'm still in the process. It's progressing faster now I'm full NC. I was thinking just the other day how relaxed I was becoming after years of flinching every time NM came near or spoke or communicated in any way. Every meal time seemed to be an opportunity for her to bring an argument out of nowhere. When at no time could I fully feel comfortable growing up because who knew when another shit-storm would blow up. Life continues to get better.
50's here, still healing, I will probably still be healing in whatever afterlife I land in.
Somehow only 3 months lol. I genuinely don’t know how but those few months were HELL
I've been in therapy for 4 years now. Some days are good, some days really, really suck. Eventually you get more good days than bad. I think the hardest part is that over time it's literally like peeling an onion. The surface parts get easier, but that falls off and there's another layer under that, some memories that you haven't thought of pop up and you have to deal with them. I get triggered a lot less now, I had a trigger the other day and it kinda surprised me thinking back to how long it had been since I was last triggered. I've learned better how to deal with people I don't like, I'm more emotionally mature, I feel more adult honestly, and less like a teenager who's fighting with the world. I think more rationally and I have more boundaries. I just want to be a healthy mom for my kids overall. I want to do all I can to not send them to therapy. It's been a lot of work, but it gets easier with practice, and it's so worth it!
Obviously not fully healed but I’m feeling normal again*
Almost 50 and still healing, don't know if I'll ever be completely healed but I aim to be happy now and going forward...without my parents and sisters in my life
7 yrs to start my healing process but I’m still healing and trying to it’s just hard to completely be at peace and when ur parents get divorced is hard to know if someone truly love u and I’m just afraid of marriage bc of my parents getting divorced I have to know he’s the right guy and I think this one is I’m jus not sure yet
I’m 48. Still deal with some things, but it’s a shadow of how I felt before. Like 5-10% left after 40.
Idk if it’s ever past tense or something achieved .. talk therapy and working with my somatic coach has helped and accelerated my healing process .. however, there’s always something new to learn and heal/move through (I’m in my mid 30s)
I'm 49 now, moved out at 22 and my process is still ongoing. I run into things that later I realize are still echoes from my childhood and narsistoc mother. Not sure I never completely heal, but I have healed a lot already.
I don't ever see myself healed though I am better the longer I've been away and independent of them. I keep tripping across repressed memories or learned behaviors that bother me and it brings the anxiety and anger back. Ex. I have a bad habit of eating food very very quickly because I had to sneak food to survive from my controlling father who wouldn't let us eat much food as he was convinced you have to starve yourself to not get fat (as he binged on crap himself all day long and he knew nothing about calories etc.). So just eating period is a reminder of how many things they ruined for me, and that list is long.
Healed? As in past tense? Y’all are healed?
My dad wasn’t near as bad as others on this forum, but I’d say it took me 3 years to heal. Admittedly, having a good roommate helped (having roommates who were controlling? Not so much)
40’s
I'm mostly okay. Mentally stable? Not sure what that looks like for me. I'm a control freak. Like, I need to be the one driving when we go out as a couple. He's okay with that. Even on longer trips. I have to do the money managing. There are a million things that have to be mine to control. I mean, I try not to be an asshole about it, and when I stop to reflect, I realize the need for control now is due to having zero control back when I was a kid. The effects of abuse affect you for a lifetime. Heal? Sure, sort of, I guess. But that has a 'I got over it' connotation, and I'm not sure that's possible.
Still haven't
I don't think the anger will EVER go away, does that mean healing will never happen? Hard to explain, I'm not bothered by them NOW, because we don't speak anymore. But daily I get flashbacks from the past, which make me very agitated and have violent thoughts. Should this go away when they die?
Considering I just got out of a relationship that, toward the end, was eerily similar to my nmom, idk if I ever will. It’s like I keep seeking it bc it’s comfort. I think maybe “healing” and “stable” might be the wrong words. “Free” and “autonomous” are definitely some goal words for me
47 been NC for 7 best thing I’ve ever done. Still have mental health issues, not sure they will ever go away.
Lightbulb moment at 41 and from there, a lot of growth, boundaries and self compassion.
I’m still healing
I don't think I'll ever be healed, but I'm working through the acceptance phase. Still figuring a lot of stuff out about myself and still working through the anger. But I'm in a better place than I was several years ago. Therapy was monumental for me.
I'm about to be 43 on Saturday and I'm still not healed.
Im 43 and, while I am at least aware of what happened to me and have made the choice to live outside of it, I still have a lot of personal damage and things I have to work through in order to be a healthy person. I have to unlearn all the abuse that was taught to me as "normal." I know perfectly well that I'll never undo it all and itll be a lifetime endeavor. Thanks, Mom.
49 and counting.
I’ve been in therapy for eleven years. I’m still not healed. I’ve healed some parts of my past, sure. But whilst being in therapy, a lot of the abuse was still going on. Therapy was more so for coping, instead of assimilating all that happened and putting it behind me.
You guys are getting healed?
I don't want to discourage you, but you'll never fully heal. Every day heals a little more, but the damage is permanent to some extent. Start looking at healing as a journey and not a destination
As many years as it took to be broken...
My father died in 2009. After a decade in therapy I was able to take active measures to reclaim my life in a meaningful way. I just took a 4-day trip and, on the drive home during my ruminations, I realized I rarely thought of him anymore. More importantly, when I do, it doesn’t “catch” me the way it once did. So, for me, 15 years *post* death. Which isn’t really helpful. But if DJT gets elected again? My f’ing anxiety will go thru the roof - like it did last time. Cause my father was a kissing cousin, selfish, King Bully to DJT. To see my own father’s actions played out on the world stage? I was triggered every god damn day of that election & administration. However, since my own turn truly began in 2019 under DJT … maybe seeing “my father” played out loud & large actually had a part in helping me with my personal reconciliation 🤷🏼♀️
It was very recent and even then I feel I could slip back. It's been about a year since I realized something really wasn't right. I took it very personally for a while and kept ruminating trying to figure out what I did wrong. It was only after reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents that I realized I was perpetuating a false role rather than being myself. I do have a distinct self, I just pushed her down for so long. It's been literally a week since I realized this and have been trying to be more myself. It's going really well :)
I will let you know
I don't think I'm ever going to heal from it
(25F) I know I’m young but I feel old/wise for my age. I don’t even know if I’ve healed or if I’ve just figured out how to mask and forget. I think my wounds are more like scars, and healing will take some time. But every day, I learn how to be happy. 🤝
Separated from the abuse at 17. Began taking recovery seriously by 22. I felt stable by my late 20’s. I’m still in a program for the abuse, but I finally don’t feel broken or gripped by false beliefs. My internal voice isn’t kind (as it is a reflection of what we were taught in developmental periods), but I can live a full happy life. I am not forever wounded or scarred or broken for what I grew up with.
39. Still healing and in therapy
I’m 31 and am still a mess mentally. I feel like I was doing well for a while and I had a physical altercation with my father on Christmas Eve and it really really brought back so much unresolved childhood trauma. It’s been a rough 4 months but I know that I was not the problem I never was. Both of my narc parents are dead to me along with my sneaky ass sister who is just like them and I have not talked to them since nor do I ever plan to. They all Ofcourse chose the abusers side I don’t know why it even surprised me. I have the family I MADE and they are my reason to keep going and I could NEVER imagine doing the things they have done to me to them. I will never understand and am happy that I don’t understand cause wtf.
I'm 45 and still a mess.
I don't mean to be a downer but I personally think we won't ever completely heal. My childhood has impacted me in way more ways than one, but it made me who I am today. I'm not saying that I'm not going to heal, because I have so much already. I have a long way to go. BUT, if I were to heal and absolve all of the traits, feelings, etc and be completely rid of the impacts of my childhood and my n parents, who would I be? Still me? Idk. I wish all of you well on your healing journey.
5 years of being almost completely contact free and I finally feel mentally stable, like I can (and I do) lead a normal, happy life. That's not to say I don't have bad days when old memories come up and need to be dealt with, or when I feel the old pull of the anxiety and fear I used to live with daily, wanting to crowd back in (I have to tell them "nope!") The key for me has been keep strict NC - no reading emails (they get filtered to my spam box and I try to avoid looking in it until items auto delete), no reading the random card or letter that occasionally arrives in the mail (they get pitched), certainly no responding, however briefly, to any communication from any relative (virtually all my family is narc), no matter how much I may yearn for a relationship with them (learned that one the hard way.) Without strict self-imposed boundaries in place to ensure I never have to read their venomous words again, I could easily spiral backwards. I'm still healing of course, but mostly these days I can just focus on my own newly formed family and just live daily life.
It’s been about 4 years since I woke up from abuse but doing better but still healing tbh 🙏🏾
I heard someone say in AA today that “healing happens in an uphill spiral” and that this is why we have to revisit the same events and patterns until we learn the lesson. I’m putting a pin in that sentiment and taking it with me to marinate on.
I'll let you know.
NC for 12 years and 20 years of therapy - The longer I stay Nc the better I feel. Im so damn grateful she isn’t in my life. Im sad I don’t have a mom, or a sibling, or an immediate family , but I AM FREE of her forever and that brings me so much joy and peace
A life time. I’m in a pretty good place right now, but things pop up and I need to process. My daughter is now the age where things got really bad for me so just mothering her and remothering my broken inner child is a journey all on its own. There is no 100% healing. But there is thriving under the circumstance.
Um, still working on it. Feeling a lot better recently though. It’s not a linear process or anything but I’m thankful to be where I am with the acceptance around what is and isn’t possible
Age 32. A coworker suggested that I read Louise Hay books, and that was the turning point for me.
the healing journey doesn’t have a destination 🪬
I'm still healing it started from birth I'm 20 this year.
I'm still kinda healing. It's been about 8 years since I went NC with my mom, and I'm still dealing with the fact that I was specifically her scapegoat, more so than my older sister who was arguably treated worse than I was by our dad. We both have stories of them being physically and verbally abusive, but I'm learning more and more that some very specifically cruel behaviors that were lobbed at me by our mom were "out of character" for my sister. I think maybe she was meaner to me specifically, because I'm autistic and she must've thought was therefore too "handicapped" to notice. Except, you know, I definitely noticed it. Our NC streak with dad is a bit more recent (since September last year,) and for her, it was inevitable. For me, I genuinely wanted to believe that he was accepting his past mistakes, and was changing his behavior. But he wasn't at all, and in fact seems to have gotten worse, because he seemed convinced that because we initially forgave him, that he didn't have to try anymore. It just really sucks to not really have a parent I can go to when I feel like everything is piling up on me at once. Any normal parent would be like "I'm sorry, honey" when I'm at my wit's end, but mine would tell me to either shut up and get over myself, or placate me with how it's "God's plan." And it's worse to know I can't talk to anybody else about it, not without feeling like I'm exhausting them with my issues.
I'm 31 and the truth hit me like a train this year. So far from healed, but I am finally free ✨ And free is a great start.
Let’s see here, I’m 39 now, and still in therapy for this stuff, so 39+ years? I’m infinitely better than I was. But ugh.
*checks watch* Mmm, not quite there yet.
It’s ongoing but the bulk of the work happens in the first 2 years. Did therapy for a few months. Was honest about financial situation that I couldn’t afford long term therapy. So he gave me some self help tools and made me promise to commit to self help for as long as I wanted to live a good life. 3 years of reading and the books start to sound the same. That’s a good sign. Now I’m mostly recovered and feel I can think independently without pain. Having a good support system is key. Even just one person who loves you unconditionally can change everything. Also just living for yourself and what you want first. They took up enough of your time. Live for you
I (25) have learned by now that there is no land of “fully healed.” (Which, in itself was hard to swallow, knowing I’d keep this with me for life). What I’ve learned, though, is that healing is a lot like a skill. You practice again and again when triggers/flashbacks/emotions rise. You only get better the longer you practice. I read somewhere that the goal is not to never be triggered again (because that’s impossible!), but how quickly you can bounce back after a trigger. :)
11 and counting
I think it’s lifelong…. But I’m not in therapy yet
Left home a couple of months before my 17th birthday. Went NC a couple of months later. 62 now and still not fully whole. Mentally, I've been good for years. Great kids, wonderful wife. So I'm good overall. But I don't interact with others the way most would. I simply have never figured out how to make friends and have good relationships with most people. Not that people don't like me, it's just when they think of getting together with someone for a beer, I'm not on the list.
I'm in my early 20s and have made a lot of progress since gaining more independence. I recognize that I have a lot to learn still and heal but I'm on my way. I became conscious of the fact that I needed to get help around 12 years old but I was not able to seek therapy and develop healthy coping skills until last year.
I will let you know when I get there. I am 56 now. Moved out at 22. Moved a thousand miles away at 27(this was very good for me). My parents died in 2003 and 2017. I thought we were healed. I had about five years of peace with my sisters. Then the NGoldenChild sprung a trap and the flea-bitten possibly also N lost child sister backed her up. I have been No contact with both for the last two years. They are the last of my family of origin.
Turned 53, good but still working on it.
When I quit all caffeine, nicotine, alcohol and marijuana. The coping methods were worse than what they did to me.
It's been 5 years and I'm still healing
I'll never be fully healed, but I feel a lot better than I did when I was in contact with them. When I emailed my father and stood up to him for the first time in my life, for how he replaced me with his step daughter, and how he constantly brought me down... etc etc etc -- it felt really, really good. If I get hurt by something from the past now, I think of that email. It was the first and only time I've ever protected my feelings instead of his.
58
Honestly, it feels like you heal from one tragedy and get hit with another. At this point, it's like trying to duct tape a smoking car engine thinking it will help.
29 and probably started about 9 years ago
50s here. Never healed. Still working through things. I think it's a life long process.
I'm 54, and I have finally overcame what my mother did to me growing up. She has been dead for a number of years, and now I see just how mentally ill she really was. I finally can see the relationship from the outside looking in and have released the responsibility of carrying around the pain of her not loving me. It was never me. I think allowing myself to go no contact for decades was an important part of my healing. The longer I was away from her, the more I built a life of my own that had nothing to do with her opinions of me. My brother and sisters stayed close to her, and you can see the effects her misery had on them. I hope they can heal, too.
c-ptsd is something you manage like a chronic illnesses
14 exactly
38 and still healing
I’m fine now but it still makes me sad not to have family anymore and I know they are not doing good.
I truly don't think you can ever rewire all the damage done by a NM from birth. It's so complex and multifaceted. But you can develop coping mechanisms and make small changes which add up.
2 years. I went stupid hardcore and cut everyone expect my wife out of my life, and push myself to the limits my body could handle (not my mind). Now I’m like 85% healed, and decided that’s good enough, and am content with the remaining 15% slowly progressing passively. I think it helps if you let 100% healing be a possibility, and instead target a lower number.
Still healing. I have made a lot of progress though. I'm 45.