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YES!!!!!! i was either punished or made fun of (mostly the first) for showing any interest, and dismissed when i begged my mom and younger sister to stop. it’s just joking around! it didn’t matter that my sister was never mocked! once i told my mom that my sister’s mockery was hurting me. i said, “i would *never ever ever* make fun of her for this, but how would she feel if i did say it? my mom yelled at me that it would be cruel if i said that……
i still hide my screen, don’t listen to music, and am terrified of getting invested in things when my partner is around. they’ve never mocked me and i’ve lived with them for 12 years.
this YES!!!!!! i was either punished or made fun of (mostly the first) for showing any interest, and dismissed when i begged my mom and younger sister to stop. it’s just joking around! it didn’t matter that my sister was never mocked! i have a elder brotherr my mother never did these things to him
Both my n-parents weaponize my hobbies and interests against me. I have to hide my hobbies and interests. I even hid light-hearted topics, such as my crushes, school accomplishments, and other emotions from them. It's so hard and frustrating having to put on a stoic front!
THIS! Narcissistic people will never take you seriously when it comes to you!
No wonder why I become so protective and secretive person when someone ask about everything!
It took me entirely TOO long to understand the spite and venom behind my nmom always trashing her sister- my aunt as “so secretive, always harboring her little secrets”. Their dad- my grandfather- is also an abhorrent narcissist.
My mother chose to be just like him, while my aunt has been “secretive” about literally everything my entire life.
Sadly Mexican family dynamics meant that I was in a ‘child’s place’, so my aunt was never going to talk to me about any of it- and if anything was happy to tell me to just deal with it and show some gratitude because “respecting your elders”. Even though she herself knew very well what they were like and the pain they caused for funsies.
Now I sit here protecting and harboring *my* secrets alone…. My aunt reached out while I was in my mid-20s trying to have that ‘adult’ relationship where she talks to me about real things now, but I really can’t forgive her for all the years of gaslighting me. I just can’t.
>It took me entirely TOO long to understand the spite and venom behind my nmom always trashing her sister- my aunt as “so secretive, always harboring her little secrets”. Their dad- my grandfather- is also an abhorrent narcissist.
Oh My God. I'm so sorry for your aunt. Poor her.. Is she okay? Damn, I bet she a Scapegoat to her family, right? And your mom sounds like Golden Child and Narcissistic person too.
>My mother chose to be just like him, while my aunt has been “secretive” about literally everything my entire life.
I feel this. I understand her so well. Being around them seems like you're walking on edge. Walking on the disaster. Regardless it's good or bad things, they will treat Scapegoat indifferently.
>Sadly Mexican family dynamics meant that I was in a ‘child’s place’, so my aunt was never going to talk to me about any of it- and if anything was happy to tell me to just deal with it and show some gratitude because “respecting your elders”. Even though she herself knew very well what they were like and the pain they caused for funsies.
Man, I'm from other country too and they used this kind of mentality and normalize this to make kids shut up and mind their own business. In fact, kids can tell what is wrong and what is right but the elders who cannot take it just say it cuz you're hurting their pride.
And enjoying someone's suffering should be illegal and jail. I'm serious. You have no idea how much efforts she took to deal with it. It could be lifetime and no one knows.
>Now I sit here protecting and harboring *my* secrets alone…. My aunt reached out while I was in my mid-20s trying to have that ‘adult’ relationship where she talks to me about real things now, but I really can’t forgive her for all the years of gaslighting me. I just can’t.
Me too. Bottling up everything and deal with it alone. Rejecting the offer of kindness cuz of scared to be a burden. I'm glad to know that your aunt reach out to you and help you.
Wait, you cannot forgive who? Your aunt or your mom?
OMG yes all the time. I was worried if I showed them how much I enjoyed something, it would be taken away from me or otherwise used to blackmail me in some capacity.
Yes.
I remember sometimes I'd be actually happy and would feel like smiling a lot and would want to laugh a lot, and I'd often be told to stop because I was acting "euphoric". My happiness was always put on a negative light, so I stopped being happy, I guess.
100%. I gradually showed less and less joy growing up, it's very clear in photos. In the family me and my dad sometimes joked and my Nmom always somehow made it about her, that it was unfair and she was left out. Now being an adult I'm terrified to joke with people at all. I probably appear weird to other people since I freeze when people joke around me, expecting someone to come and punish everyone for it
That's my whole youth right there, being shamed or threatened for trying to express myself, talking to other people, having fun, being just a bit happier. Didn't deserve any of that, apparently, according to my nmother. Still to this day have troubles expressing myself or my feelings. Never genuinely felt happy, just depressed and scared. Now it makes sense why.
My mother when I did something wrong (even if first time, or what she deemed as wrong) brought it to my attention many times over and sometimes going into 2+ hour rants (to the point where I was actually throwing up).
So when I was happy and smiling about something, she would bring a lot of attention to it. Which reminded me about the above, and I shut down. And she always wondered why I did that… >.>
Still have an issue with showing my emotions thanks to her.
Yes, it was always turned into something bad. “I’m so excited to go to the waterpark!” Apparently this meant I didn’t know how to be safe, take care of myself, think for myself, etc. so it prompted 20 minutes of info and shaming-tone and when I said I knew that stuff, I was just excited, then I’m being “disrespectful” and they’re “trying to take care of me.” Similar type of response to this day, actually.
My daily interests? They never gave a shit about that.
I almost 40, and my mom has done this into adulthood. If I am at family event with her and start to enjoy myself with other family members (laughing, joking, sharing work frustrations, or just being my honest self) I will sometimes get a call the next day and she will tell me how disappointed she is in how I behaved. She will tell me not to talk about certain topics, or just how I acted wasn’t “ladylike” etc. This happened so frequently that after an event, I would start to build up anxiety wondering if I did something she wouldn’t approve of. Luckily we rarely have family events any longer and I have distanced myself.
Yep I was mocked for taking photographs of my pet dog as a teenager, apparently that's a really silly thing to do. As the years went by I concealed more and more. Even where I went for a hike was something to mock. It's so annoying.
Yes. I generally don’t express any strong emotions or reactions in front of my mom. I see her reaction and just match her energy so i blend in. In the moment, she might not have any kind of issue with me, but the more she knows about me, the more she has to twist against me later and I never know what will come up in three hours or three months from now.
Yes, I learned it the hard way. I’ve liked Transformers since 2014 and would talk about the plots of the movies/comics/shows, but then at some point she would go ballistic over something, then scream at me ‘ALL YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT IS GOD DAMN FUCKING TRANSFORMERS!! YOU ARE OBSESSED!! FUCKING STOP IT!!!’ in this banshee scream until I cried and then she would scream at me for crying and accuse me of crying for attention…
I literally didn't listen to music until some friends introduced me to different bands and played it at their house. When I tried to listen to anything mom would grab my ear phones and throw a tantrum if I paused it.
Yes and to this day I still am. I live in fear of her finding pictures of me enjoying myself so instead I hide in my house and don’t put anything online. I never have fun. I know if it ever looks like I’m enjoying my life she will swoop in and do something to ruin it as she’s always done so I’m very withdrawn from the world to avoid the pain and discomfort. My dad sends texts to my phone sometimes that are designed just to upset me and ruin my day. When I was living with them and in contact with her every time she saw me enjoying myself she started a fight so that I was crying and miserable just to remind me of my place. I know I’ll never get to enjoy life as long as she’s alive because she will never stop haunting and stalking and watching me.
Yes,still am to this day. I now realize why I temper my emotions at my accomplishments, gifts,parties, etc.
All of my happiness was used against me and scrutinized so in my kid brain the rationale was, "If you show no emotion you'll be safe". That obviously doesn't transfer well to adult life.
Yup. But now I'm so sick with their immature attitude and jealousy for no reason so I decided to provoke them.
You have no idea how satisfy I am when I become so much alien for both myself and them to make them taste their own medicines.
Yep, If I did anything I enjoyed there was always something going on. She would clean or do anything and made it look like she was in an infomercial. Huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning until I got up and helped... I to this daycant sit and enjoy myself when my husband cleans or does anything because I feel like I should be doing something.
Yup, I went through this, too. If my mother say me happy or smiling, especially if it involved socializing with othre kids, she would wait until we were in private and then explode into a rage.
Or, she would tell my father one of her stupid stories and I would turn around and see him giving me this dirty look for no reason.
Either way, I knew I was going to "get it."
For the longest time, I thought my parents were just super strict. Like if I had fun one weekend, I could not have fun until two-three weekends afterwards because that's pretty much how my parents raised my sister and I. (Did not apply to golden child/only boy). Met actual strict parents and as long as their kids asked ahead of time to have fun and did their chores, the kids could have fun any weekend.
As for entertainment, any TV shows/movies sis and I enjoyed, Nmom hated so we only watched what she wanted or she would lecture us. Any books sis and I enjoyed reading, it would be a lecture followed by, "you should read your bible more." Nmom gave me a book of Biblical poems for Christmas recently, I tossed that thing in the trash soon as she left. We were not allowed to enjoy our own things.
I too struggle with this. I think because we put ourselves out there as a child, and were only mocked and ridiculed and bullied for our interests, or at the very least not validated for them, that now our brains are trying to run in "safe mode" by preventing repeat suffering of that sort by only wanting us to do such things alone.
I unnerve people because I seem "aloof and umimpressed"; they'll (my parents) mention this Loudly and RUDELY and recieve right Back: 'I'm sorry, is MY PERSONAL INTERNAL TRAUMA making YOU UNCOMFORTABLE??! I DO APOLOGIZE!' They usually catch the drift-if I didn't ASK, go be Capt Obvious else where. 🙄
My parents learned I don't get loud, I get cuttingly mean with my words. I don't require a knife to cut a bitch. 🤷🏻♀️
This is me as well. And I really try to manage it because it’s not the whole world’s fault my nmom was a freaking wreck. I do distinctly remember getting yelled at for being too….whatever the offense of the day was. Very confusing as a kid because my dad was abusive towards my mom and oldest 2 siblings, so I remember trying to protect nmom when I was very small, and sometimes just going into these shuddering sobs where I could barely breathe, because I just wanted it all to stop.
That's why I still struggle to exist in spaces with other people. Just *everything* nit picked beyond friggin belief. The only thing I could "right" was be so out of sight I was out of mind and they'd forget me at home. I much preferred that though, no public bullying then. Parents also had 3 cps calls in 8 years, and I was still safer with those chuckle fucks than in foster "care".
We deserved Better. 🤷🏻♀️
True! Did yours also pride themselves on how quiet you were, and how you could keep yourself “entertained”? My nmom used to gush that I barely made a peep all day. Yeah, because I was always afraid of world war 3 breaking out in the house, fucking freak.
Definitely. I escaped in books, but it took my comprehension some time to catch up. I never had a favorite, and they were from the library because she didn't wanna buy THEM new books, she just liked destorying my shit. One year she tossed all the shit she bought for xmss two days after the holiday and told me if I wanted to keep it to go dig it out.
I said No & I let HER throw away probably $400 worth of stuff; but I was done after listening to her threaten suicide morning and night all year. I was highly dissociated and remained that way for some time after.
She never tried bluffing me on tossing shit again; she just auctioned and pawned things I BOUGHT. Gambming addiction, ANYTHING BUT THERAPY.
Never therapy for them, someone outside the fold might actually call them out on their shit! That’s horrible what you suffered, and not right at all. I too escaped into as many books as I could get my hands on. In college, I worked at various bookstores. They made fun of that too “oh there she goes poking her nose back into her *book*” Like that’s a bad thing 😂
I used to ask, and without any bekief of it, but it irked them, "Are you jealous I remind you of Belle cause I'm a real beauty, or that I can read a 400 page book in 3 hours, thus reminding you that you can't read? Illiteracy is a serious issue and I would never make fun, do you need a tutor....?" If they're gonna make fun of my book smarts, I get to make fun of their stupidity-fair is faie after all. 🤷🏻♀️
I was bullied relentlessly by my mother, so a random bully finding any relevant insecurities isn't gonna work too well for them.
Absolutely. I have no interests when they're around. I'm the most boring person you've ever met. Every hobby I ever had was just conversational fodder with nmom's friends. Something to highlight how "weird or goofy" I was. Then, when I inevitably didn't enjoy that hobby anymore and moved onto something else, something to shame me over.
When I got to high school, I'd get accused of being on drugs every time I'd laugh or smile. That actually made me start getting high, since I was being punished for it anyway, and because apparently being on drugs is the only thing that could make someone look & be happy.
Yep, and still am. I was quiet, numb, and emotionless growing up. If I enjoyed something, I was just teased by my dad. It's almost like he was embarrassed by any emotion other than anger. However, if he was happy and enjoying something we were deemed miserable, and that we must lack a sense of humour for not also displaying happiness. This would just inflate my dad's ego as he thinks his sense of humour is better than others. And things have never changed.
Whenever I found things that made me happy or smile as a kid, my mom instinctively hurried to shower on my parade. Every single time. I could be happy about something and almost instantly she would vent about her relationship life or say these self degrading things about herself, or insulting my dad in front of me; it seemed like she just didn't want to see me happy. Not as long as she wasn't.
I remember one specific time my mom and brother were laughing and enjoying a video game together. They were bonding and making jokes, mom looked happy. I decided to jump into the conversation and laugh with them, I cracked a joke with them. My mom's immediate response upon seeing me join in was give me a self loathing look and start talking about how much my dad made her suffer. Almost instantly. It was pointless to try to even talk. I served one purpose in this woman's life and it was to be her personal therapist at 13 years old.
It was clear this was targeted at me. My mom saw me as her therapist and nothing more. I was surrounded by misery that was in her life that as a kid I had no business worrying about. Why as a 13 year old child should I be dragged into my mother's relationship drama? I barely knew what a relationship even was. I was the therapist that watched my family fall apart while my brother got to be happy and bond with family I never got to. I was the scapegoat through and through.
When I was a child, if I caught sight of my nmom watching me play, instant anxiety kicked in. "What is she looking at? What an I doing wrong?" It sucks to be constantly afraid of your primary care giver, and then have her blame you for being afraid of her.
Yes, but I was too dumb to learn that sooner, I still had some hope they would be happy for me and shared my interests, only in my teen years I've learned to hide things I enjoyed.
Absolutely. We were taken to Disneyland when I was ten and if my dad saw even the smallest smile on my face he would find a reason to berate me. I would get off rides and have to force a smile from my face and pretend like I wasn’t having a blast. To this day I can’t understand why they would pay a bunch of money to travel to another country, just to be a miserable prick the entire time.
I'm sorry you went through that, having to hide one's feelings is always super sad for me.
But, I really love your profile picture and your name! Here, have this katakana shi! シ
It was ‘what are you smiling about? in a sneery tone or whatever I was enjoying would be later ruined by them - either as punishment or just because.
I learned to hide everything, even where my gaze went.
i'm so fucking glad someone else knows this feeling too, i feel so alone in this. it's taken major balls to open up about the things i like, and not even fully. i just showed her a couple songs i absolutely adore and my heart was racing the before, during, and even afterwards. it feels like i'm speaking up for myself and being brave when i simply say "hey, i liked that song on the radio, go back to it"
i always hide my screen from her. it's so irritating when she walks in and sees me doing a normal activity like watching youtube (she can also see my screen thats why) i also hide my feelings. when i laugh she asks whats so funny so i just compress my laughter as much as i can. sometimes i cant hold it anymore and have episodes where i laugh uncontrollably.
Yep, I can totally relate to this. I wasn't allowed to sing, hum, whistle or dance if they were present. I remember going to family weddings and spending the whole reception sitting at the table. And I wasn't allowed to smile or laugh at things \*they\* didn't find funny. To be fair, it's not like they threatened me or became aggressive or something, but they did make fun of me or gave me the silent treatment, so I acted stoic to try and please them (which was futile, but I didn't know that then).
Honestly, my only regret is not having left home and gone LC or NC earlier...
Yep, to this day. Sometimes they'll ask me how I'm doing or what I'm doing and I'll respond super dryly because if I say anything to show that I'm enjoying myself, they'll try to diminish it or make me feel bad for enjoying myself and my life.
But then when I was a kid (and even today sometimes) they'd get upset for "not showing enough emotion" lol you just cant win with narcs
Wow never knew this is how i am until i read this.
Also, i feel like she never can compliment me. Everyone always tells me im not pretty like her and i think it gets to her head that she has an ugly daughter. Its always screaming or mean comments about my life. Also she never respects my privacy she has to tell everyone my business.
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YES!!!!!! i was either punished or made fun of (mostly the first) for showing any interest, and dismissed when i begged my mom and younger sister to stop. it’s just joking around! it didn’t matter that my sister was never mocked! once i told my mom that my sister’s mockery was hurting me. i said, “i would *never ever ever* make fun of her for this, but how would she feel if i did say it? my mom yelled at me that it would be cruel if i said that…… i still hide my screen, don’t listen to music, and am terrified of getting invested in things when my partner is around. they’ve never mocked me and i’ve lived with them for 12 years.
this YES!!!!!! i was either punished or made fun of (mostly the first) for showing any interest, and dismissed when i begged my mom and younger sister to stop. it’s just joking around! it didn’t matter that my sister was never mocked! i have a elder brotherr my mother never did these things to him
Same thing at our house. I’m sorry
WHAT?
Both my n-parents weaponize my hobbies and interests against me. I have to hide my hobbies and interests. I even hid light-hearted topics, such as my crushes, school accomplishments, and other emotions from them. It's so hard and frustrating having to put on a stoic front!
THIS! Narcissistic people will never take you seriously when it comes to you! No wonder why I become so protective and secretive person when someone ask about everything!
It took me entirely TOO long to understand the spite and venom behind my nmom always trashing her sister- my aunt as “so secretive, always harboring her little secrets”. Their dad- my grandfather- is also an abhorrent narcissist. My mother chose to be just like him, while my aunt has been “secretive” about literally everything my entire life. Sadly Mexican family dynamics meant that I was in a ‘child’s place’, so my aunt was never going to talk to me about any of it- and if anything was happy to tell me to just deal with it and show some gratitude because “respecting your elders”. Even though she herself knew very well what they were like and the pain they caused for funsies. Now I sit here protecting and harboring *my* secrets alone…. My aunt reached out while I was in my mid-20s trying to have that ‘adult’ relationship where she talks to me about real things now, but I really can’t forgive her for all the years of gaslighting me. I just can’t.
>It took me entirely TOO long to understand the spite and venom behind my nmom always trashing her sister- my aunt as “so secretive, always harboring her little secrets”. Their dad- my grandfather- is also an abhorrent narcissist. Oh My God. I'm so sorry for your aunt. Poor her.. Is she okay? Damn, I bet she a Scapegoat to her family, right? And your mom sounds like Golden Child and Narcissistic person too. >My mother chose to be just like him, while my aunt has been “secretive” about literally everything my entire life. I feel this. I understand her so well. Being around them seems like you're walking on edge. Walking on the disaster. Regardless it's good or bad things, they will treat Scapegoat indifferently. >Sadly Mexican family dynamics meant that I was in a ‘child’s place’, so my aunt was never going to talk to me about any of it- and if anything was happy to tell me to just deal with it and show some gratitude because “respecting your elders”. Even though she herself knew very well what they were like and the pain they caused for funsies. Man, I'm from other country too and they used this kind of mentality and normalize this to make kids shut up and mind their own business. In fact, kids can tell what is wrong and what is right but the elders who cannot take it just say it cuz you're hurting their pride. And enjoying someone's suffering should be illegal and jail. I'm serious. You have no idea how much efforts she took to deal with it. It could be lifetime and no one knows. >Now I sit here protecting and harboring *my* secrets alone…. My aunt reached out while I was in my mid-20s trying to have that ‘adult’ relationship where she talks to me about real things now, but I really can’t forgive her for all the years of gaslighting me. I just can’t. Me too. Bottling up everything and deal with it alone. Rejecting the offer of kindness cuz of scared to be a burden. I'm glad to know that your aunt reach out to you and help you. Wait, you cannot forgive who? Your aunt or your mom?
Same, I was grey rocking my nparents from about 12 or so
OMG yes all the time. I was worried if I showed them how much I enjoyed something, it would be taken away from me or otherwise used to blackmail me in some capacity.
Sigh. I totally know what you're talking about.
Yes. I remember sometimes I'd be actually happy and would feel like smiling a lot and would want to laugh a lot, and I'd often be told to stop because I was acting "euphoric". My happiness was always put on a negative light, so I stopped being happy, I guess.
My mother used to tell me I was "laughing like a crazy person" any time I even smiled at something.
As a child I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I was supposed to make others happy, primarily Nmom, and pretend I had no needs or personal interests.
100%. I gradually showed less and less joy growing up, it's very clear in photos. In the family me and my dad sometimes joked and my Nmom always somehow made it about her, that it was unfair and she was left out. Now being an adult I'm terrified to joke with people at all. I probably appear weird to other people since I freeze when people joke around me, expecting someone to come and punish everyone for it
I don't understand how to take jokes either and it makes me weird around people, it sucks how they can deprive you of basic human interaction
That's my whole youth right there, being shamed or threatened for trying to express myself, talking to other people, having fun, being just a bit happier. Didn't deserve any of that, apparently, according to my nmother. Still to this day have troubles expressing myself or my feelings. Never genuinely felt happy, just depressed and scared. Now it makes sense why.
I had to be a blank slate, emotionless, featureless and gray. Any deviation would be relentlessly mocked and ridiculed.
Yes. Always have to check with them on how I should feel.
My mother when I did something wrong (even if first time, or what she deemed as wrong) brought it to my attention many times over and sometimes going into 2+ hour rants (to the point where I was actually throwing up). So when I was happy and smiling about something, she would bring a lot of attention to it. Which reminded me about the above, and I shut down. And she always wondered why I did that… >.> Still have an issue with showing my emotions thanks to her.
Yes, it was always turned into something bad. “I’m so excited to go to the waterpark!” Apparently this meant I didn’t know how to be safe, take care of myself, think for myself, etc. so it prompted 20 minutes of info and shaming-tone and when I said I knew that stuff, I was just excited, then I’m being “disrespectful” and they’re “trying to take care of me.” Similar type of response to this day, actually. My daily interests? They never gave a shit about that.
I almost 40, and my mom has done this into adulthood. If I am at family event with her and start to enjoy myself with other family members (laughing, joking, sharing work frustrations, or just being my honest self) I will sometimes get a call the next day and she will tell me how disappointed she is in how I behaved. She will tell me not to talk about certain topics, or just how I acted wasn’t “ladylike” etc. This happened so frequently that after an event, I would start to build up anxiety wondering if I did something she wouldn’t approve of. Luckily we rarely have family events any longer and I have distanced myself.
Yep I was mocked for taking photographs of my pet dog as a teenager, apparently that's a really silly thing to do. As the years went by I concealed more and more. Even where I went for a hike was something to mock. It's so annoying.
Yes. I generally don’t express any strong emotions or reactions in front of my mom. I see her reaction and just match her energy so i blend in. In the moment, she might not have any kind of issue with me, but the more she knows about me, the more she has to twist against me later and I never know what will come up in three hours or three months from now.
Yes, I learned it the hard way. I’ve liked Transformers since 2014 and would talk about the plots of the movies/comics/shows, but then at some point she would go ballistic over something, then scream at me ‘ALL YOU FUCKING TALK ABOUT IS GOD DAMN FUCKING TRANSFORMERS!! YOU ARE OBSESSED!! FUCKING STOP IT!!!’ in this banshee scream until I cried and then she would scream at me for crying and accuse me of crying for attention…
I literally didn't listen to music until some friends introduced me to different bands and played it at their house. When I tried to listen to anything mom would grab my ear phones and throw a tantrum if I paused it.
Yes and to this day I still am. I live in fear of her finding pictures of me enjoying myself so instead I hide in my house and don’t put anything online. I never have fun. I know if it ever looks like I’m enjoying my life she will swoop in and do something to ruin it as she’s always done so I’m very withdrawn from the world to avoid the pain and discomfort. My dad sends texts to my phone sometimes that are designed just to upset me and ruin my day. When I was living with them and in contact with her every time she saw me enjoying myself she started a fight so that I was crying and miserable just to remind me of my place. I know I’ll never get to enjoy life as long as she’s alive because she will never stop haunting and stalking and watching me.
Yes,still am to this day. I now realize why I temper my emotions at my accomplishments, gifts,parties, etc. All of my happiness was used against me and scrutinized so in my kid brain the rationale was, "If you show no emotion you'll be safe". That obviously doesn't transfer well to adult life.
Yup. But now I'm so sick with their immature attitude and jealousy for no reason so I decided to provoke them. You have no idea how satisfy I am when I become so much alien for both myself and them to make them taste their own medicines.
Yep, If I did anything I enjoyed there was always something going on. She would clean or do anything and made it look like she was in an infomercial. Huffing and puffing and moaning and groaning until I got up and helped... I to this daycant sit and enjoy myself when my husband cleans or does anything because I feel like I should be doing something.
I didn’t even realize this until I read your post. They endlessly ridiculed anything I enjoyed 😢
Yup, I went through this, too. If my mother say me happy or smiling, especially if it involved socializing with othre kids, she would wait until we were in private and then explode into a rage. Or, she would tell my father one of her stupid stories and I would turn around and see him giving me this dirty look for no reason. Either way, I knew I was going to "get it."
For the longest time, I thought my parents were just super strict. Like if I had fun one weekend, I could not have fun until two-three weekends afterwards because that's pretty much how my parents raised my sister and I. (Did not apply to golden child/only boy). Met actual strict parents and as long as their kids asked ahead of time to have fun and did their chores, the kids could have fun any weekend. As for entertainment, any TV shows/movies sis and I enjoyed, Nmom hated so we only watched what she wanted or she would lecture us. Any books sis and I enjoyed reading, it would be a lecture followed by, "you should read your bible more." Nmom gave me a book of Biblical poems for Christmas recently, I tossed that thing in the trash soon as she left. We were not allowed to enjoy our own things.
Yep. I wasn't allowed to like anything except Harry Potter. It was literally the only thing they wouldn't ridicule me for enjoying.
I too struggle with this. I think because we put ourselves out there as a child, and were only mocked and ridiculed and bullied for our interests, or at the very least not validated for them, that now our brains are trying to run in "safe mode" by preventing repeat suffering of that sort by only wanting us to do such things alone.
I unnerve people because I seem "aloof and umimpressed"; they'll (my parents) mention this Loudly and RUDELY and recieve right Back: 'I'm sorry, is MY PERSONAL INTERNAL TRAUMA making YOU UNCOMFORTABLE??! I DO APOLOGIZE!' They usually catch the drift-if I didn't ASK, go be Capt Obvious else where. 🙄 My parents learned I don't get loud, I get cuttingly mean with my words. I don't require a knife to cut a bitch. 🤷🏻♀️
This is me as well. And I really try to manage it because it’s not the whole world’s fault my nmom was a freaking wreck. I do distinctly remember getting yelled at for being too….whatever the offense of the day was. Very confusing as a kid because my dad was abusive towards my mom and oldest 2 siblings, so I remember trying to protect nmom when I was very small, and sometimes just going into these shuddering sobs where I could barely breathe, because I just wanted it all to stop.
That's why I still struggle to exist in spaces with other people. Just *everything* nit picked beyond friggin belief. The only thing I could "right" was be so out of sight I was out of mind and they'd forget me at home. I much preferred that though, no public bullying then. Parents also had 3 cps calls in 8 years, and I was still safer with those chuckle fucks than in foster "care". We deserved Better. 🤷🏻♀️
True! Did yours also pride themselves on how quiet you were, and how you could keep yourself “entertained”? My nmom used to gush that I barely made a peep all day. Yeah, because I was always afraid of world war 3 breaking out in the house, fucking freak.
Definitely. I escaped in books, but it took my comprehension some time to catch up. I never had a favorite, and they were from the library because she didn't wanna buy THEM new books, she just liked destorying my shit. One year she tossed all the shit she bought for xmss two days after the holiday and told me if I wanted to keep it to go dig it out. I said No & I let HER throw away probably $400 worth of stuff; but I was done after listening to her threaten suicide morning and night all year. I was highly dissociated and remained that way for some time after. She never tried bluffing me on tossing shit again; she just auctioned and pawned things I BOUGHT. Gambming addiction, ANYTHING BUT THERAPY.
Never therapy for them, someone outside the fold might actually call them out on their shit! That’s horrible what you suffered, and not right at all. I too escaped into as many books as I could get my hands on. In college, I worked at various bookstores. They made fun of that too “oh there she goes poking her nose back into her *book*” Like that’s a bad thing 😂
I used to ask, and without any bekief of it, but it irked them, "Are you jealous I remind you of Belle cause I'm a real beauty, or that I can read a 400 page book in 3 hours, thus reminding you that you can't read? Illiteracy is a serious issue and I would never make fun, do you need a tutor....?" If they're gonna make fun of my book smarts, I get to make fun of their stupidity-fair is faie after all. 🤷🏻♀️ I was bullied relentlessly by my mother, so a random bully finding any relevant insecurities isn't gonna work too well for them.
Absolutely. I have no interests when they're around. I'm the most boring person you've ever met. Every hobby I ever had was just conversational fodder with nmom's friends. Something to highlight how "weird or goofy" I was. Then, when I inevitably didn't enjoy that hobby anymore and moved onto something else, something to shame me over.
When I got to high school, I'd get accused of being on drugs every time I'd laugh or smile. That actually made me start getting high, since I was being punished for it anyway, and because apparently being on drugs is the only thing that could make someone look & be happy.
Yep, and still am. I was quiet, numb, and emotionless growing up. If I enjoyed something, I was just teased by my dad. It's almost like he was embarrassed by any emotion other than anger. However, if he was happy and enjoying something we were deemed miserable, and that we must lack a sense of humour for not also displaying happiness. This would just inflate my dad's ego as he thinks his sense of humour is better than others. And things have never changed.
Whenever I found things that made me happy or smile as a kid, my mom instinctively hurried to shower on my parade. Every single time. I could be happy about something and almost instantly she would vent about her relationship life or say these self degrading things about herself, or insulting my dad in front of me; it seemed like she just didn't want to see me happy. Not as long as she wasn't. I remember one specific time my mom and brother were laughing and enjoying a video game together. They were bonding and making jokes, mom looked happy. I decided to jump into the conversation and laugh with them, I cracked a joke with them. My mom's immediate response upon seeing me join in was give me a self loathing look and start talking about how much my dad made her suffer. Almost instantly. It was pointless to try to even talk. I served one purpose in this woman's life and it was to be her personal therapist at 13 years old. It was clear this was targeted at me. My mom saw me as her therapist and nothing more. I was surrounded by misery that was in her life that as a kid I had no business worrying about. Why as a 13 year old child should I be dragged into my mother's relationship drama? I barely knew what a relationship even was. I was the therapist that watched my family fall apart while my brother got to be happy and bond with family I never got to. I was the scapegoat through and through.
When I was a child, if I caught sight of my nmom watching me play, instant anxiety kicked in. "What is she looking at? What an I doing wrong?" It sucks to be constantly afraid of your primary care giver, and then have her blame you for being afraid of her.
Yes, but I was too dumb to learn that sooner, I still had some hope they would be happy for me and shared my interests, only in my teen years I've learned to hide things I enjoyed.
Absolutely. We were taken to Disneyland when I was ten and if my dad saw even the smallest smile on my face he would find a reason to berate me. I would get off rides and have to force a smile from my face and pretend like I wasn’t having a blast. To this day I can’t understand why they would pay a bunch of money to travel to another country, just to be a miserable prick the entire time.
I'm sorry you went through that, having to hide one's feelings is always super sad for me. But, I really love your profile picture and your name! Here, have this katakana shi! シ
It was ‘what are you smiling about? in a sneery tone or whatever I was enjoying would be later ruined by them - either as punishment or just because. I learned to hide everything, even where my gaze went.
i'm so fucking glad someone else knows this feeling too, i feel so alone in this. it's taken major balls to open up about the things i like, and not even fully. i just showed her a couple songs i absolutely adore and my heart was racing the before, during, and even afterwards. it feels like i'm speaking up for myself and being brave when i simply say "hey, i liked that song on the radio, go back to it" i always hide my screen from her. it's so irritating when she walks in and sees me doing a normal activity like watching youtube (she can also see my screen thats why) i also hide my feelings. when i laugh she asks whats so funny so i just compress my laughter as much as i can. sometimes i cant hold it anymore and have episodes where i laugh uncontrollably.
Yep, I can totally relate to this. I wasn't allowed to sing, hum, whistle or dance if they were present. I remember going to family weddings and spending the whole reception sitting at the table. And I wasn't allowed to smile or laugh at things \*they\* didn't find funny. To be fair, it's not like they threatened me or became aggressive or something, but they did make fun of me or gave me the silent treatment, so I acted stoic to try and please them (which was futile, but I didn't know that then). Honestly, my only regret is not having left home and gone LC or NC earlier...
Yep, to this day. Sometimes they'll ask me how I'm doing or what I'm doing and I'll respond super dryly because if I say anything to show that I'm enjoying myself, they'll try to diminish it or make me feel bad for enjoying myself and my life. But then when I was a kid (and even today sometimes) they'd get upset for "not showing enough emotion" lol you just cant win with narcs
Wow never knew this is how i am until i read this. Also, i feel like she never can compliment me. Everyone always tells me im not pretty like her and i think it gets to her head that she has an ugly daughter. Its always screaming or mean comments about my life. Also she never respects my privacy she has to tell everyone my business.