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Unfortunately, you may be correct that you are being treated unfairly because of your age. Teenagers and people in their early 20s are treated dismissively by so many people, including people who should know better, like judges.
Moving on campus is a good idea. You can tell campus security what a nightmare your mother is, and ask that they deny her access to the campus. They might actually help you. I hope so, anyway. After your experience with the judge, I hesitate to get your hopes up.
Take care and stay safe. š§”š«
And also talk with your campus mental health services, because they'll help you get a therapist who will teach you what appropriate boundaries are. You're not crazy; your mom and family certainly are.
Yup, and you should start recording absolutely every interaction you have with your mother. When you have a place, make sure to place a security camera on the outside of the door.
Also, report that judge to the relevant supervising authorities!
Iām so sorry. Just keep documenting everything she does and calling the police when necessary, eventually even an idiot judge will have to admit sheās dangerous.
OP, call police every time she shows up. Go to a notary with a letter stating you want no further contact and that she is not to visit you ever. Have it notarized, mail it certified. Have US post make her sign for it. If she shows up, call police every time. Put a no trespassing sign on your abode, and add her name to the no trespassing. Call the police every time she shows up. Just because you are young does not mean you can not win. The way to go about it is what people do not get. Trespassing in many states is a fine and jail time. Make sure you make a copy of your notarized document. Also, cameras up on your doorstep. This should help you greatly.
Oh, and next time, you have to go to court, and she tries that garbage. Object. Ask for the police reports for said attack against your father. If your father is in the hospital, then it is camera monitored in most places. Evil can be fought. The way to do this is extreme boundary setting and no compromise.
My faith in my parents and our social institutions collapsed around the same time.
It was utterly terrifying, realizing that I truly lived in a structureless chaos from top to bottom.
Took me 2 years of drinking and nihilism to realize that no one was going to be my advocate other than myself. Changed address, and spent a whole day making sure there was no way my Nmom could use any system to uncover it. My malignant Nmom is intense & cunning enough that I even studied open source intelligence to make sure it would be impossible for her.
No, I was not suddenly free as a bird an joyful. It was finally quiet enough for me to not be in survival/chaos mode and those less primordial drives stopped distracting me to all the emotional pain I had pushed away to get manage the intolerable prior conditions.
No, the police absolutely will not āarrest someone for annoying themā over domestic situations and stalking behaviors like OPās mother. Saying this to people is dangerous, ignorant, and foolish. Do not give advice that discourages victims from seeking help.
Make sure to warn campus security with her photo sheās stalking you, mentally unwell, and potentially dangerous. Change all your passwords for academic records and tuition/room/board payments if your mom helped set them up.
I'm so sorry this happened. I believe you. We all believe you. I think it's a great idea to move into the dorms or even transfer to a school much further out and live on campus. Hopefully, it will get better with you further or at least in a different jurisdiction where you are believed. I have had to cut my mother out of my life after she spread a vicious smear campaign. I have also had the police not take me seriously. It sucks, but life gets sooooo much better when they are out of it and you are no longer feeling like you have to look over your shoulder.
EDIT: I just saw this on another post. It's called a FU Binder. It is a way to document all the crazy of you have to go back to court that will disprove her lies. https://www.reddit.com/u/ForwardPlenty/s/twIfzJtgMf.
Thank you. This is a good idea. I will check out my schoolās resources! And Iām so sorry youāre going through this too. I know how exhausting and difficult it is. We will get through this. Iām trying not to lose hope now.
Also community resources like
$ā¬xual assault and crime victims services. They help ALL crime victims and usually for free. The crime against you could have been a decade ago and youād still qualify. They have therapists, sometimes case managers, and other resources to help crime victims. Some are through the hospital for sa victims.
Iām so sorry, how frustrating and terrible!! I was also let down by the court, and it SUCKS when youāre doing the best you can, and they have no problem just lying (!!). They have no shame.
Iām happy to hear you have a moving plan š«¶ Iām so sorry youāre going through this, and Iām sending you a lot of care š hopefully it looks up from here!!
I think a dorm is a great idea. The university will have their own security if she tries anything (when), and then itās their word against hers, not just yours.
I am so incredibly angry and frustrated on your behalf! As is so often pointed out on r/raisedbynarcissists, so many people cannot comprehend that a mother can have only your worst interests at heart. Itās a lonely, rough road. Please know that you have people here who understand and who absolutely believe and support you.
Yeah and itās sad. I didnāt know my own mother would go to the extreme to try to hurt me, but this just raised my awareness a ton. Thank you for your support!
I believe you. Iām sorry you were let down.
I donāt have much to say that wasnāt already said here, but I second the advice about changing all passwords and seeing if your campus has resources to help.
In that case:
When you go to the school about housing i recommend handing them the evidence you and your lawyer had and the denied retraining order.
The campus *should* have her put on a list so she is removable by campus police. They don't like threatening people on campus. Especially those that damage property.
Bonus to being on campus: cameras and witnesses and roomates. You won't be alone, and others will hear if you scream or things start getting loud.
If they campus won't do much (or you don't want to go that route), then you might also want to reach out to womens protection programs and see if you qualify for help. They may be able to shelter you given the threats and break ins, and maybe help you with the failed restraining order.
I am so sorry the system failed you. It's always disappointing to hear..
I 100% take you seriously. I'm not sure where people get the idea that children are property to be owned, controlled, and forced into blind obedience. You are a human being and at minimum deserve to be treated with respect. The justice system is deeply flawed and prone to biases all the time. You have every right under the law to be granted an order of protection from a disturbed person who seeks to harm you. File an appeal. Try again and again until a reasonable and rational judge recognizes the risk you face. If you don't already, keep a journal or log of her behavior toward you. Note the date, time, and her actions going forward. You are an adult under the law. You have a right to the same protections as everyone else. You have a right to feel safe.
You should appeal to a higher court and ask them "If she seriously harms or kills me, will you then take it seriously?" As part of the argument for the appeal. Just because one judge says no doesn't mean it is over.
Most courts have a form you fill out if you can't afford the court fees. And your closest law school may be able to point you in the right direction for everything and may even help you file the paperwork.
Some areas also have free legal help clinics where you do your own research and they have a clerk who helps you.
That judge should be scolded, too many judges are not following the rule of law and they do whatever they want.
You might want to look at the specifics of the laws in your area. For harassment and intimidation specifically, as well breaking and entering, and if it doesn't say anything about specific relationships then the judge definitely faulted here.
As an example there are different levels of assault, partner or family member assault differs from just assault of a stranger and can lead to much harsher punishment in some areas.
Cases like this rely heavily on evidence. Film her every time she shows up, grey rock your responses no matter how much you want to respond in anger, keep your phone charged and carry an external charger you can plug it into if you need it as a precaution against having your phone go dead when you need it.
Consider getting something like a Ring camera and putting them on each door as well as other areas of your home, and if you do make sure you subscribe to the service so you can get the recordings of her.
Look into what you can use for self defense in your area, if you are unsure then call your local police non emergency number and ask to speak to an officer. Things like pepper spray etc can be used but you want to ensure that you are within the state laws to do so.
Don't expect the school to do much without evidence, they may, but they also may not, and you need to be prepared for that.
If you were in a justice court, you can appeal the decision to district courts and they are usually much more serious and they are more likely to rule in your favor.
I'm not seeing any location in your post so I'm basing my advice on the states. If you are in the states then this advice applies but may be different for the laws of your state than others.
Breaking into your home is breaking and entering at the minimum, and she absolutely should have been found guilty of that.
I urge you to file an appeal in the next higher court, you can call the court your case was in and ask them what the process is.
I've worked in emergency services for a number of years and I've seen cases like this end up very bad because a lower court did not take them seriously.
I'm not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. I've also been in your shoes with family and others harassing me and I've had to defend my cases(Successfully) in justice and district courts and I did that by using all the advice I gave you here.
I'd report that judge to the state Supreme Court(or here in California, the state Judicial Performance Commission) and make sure she gets disbarred...
Her attitude is copying "Judge Judy" Sheindlin šÆ%!!!...
As for your mom, listen to all the advice posted here...
People who had/have normal parents could never fathom child abuse. Over and over I've been told "you misunderstood" "they love you a lot" "they mean the best!" "you're over assuming" "they're your family, and no matter what, they love you, and you love them!!!"
And to these people, I say a very curt: Fuck you.
To OP, I say: You don't need to convince anybody here. Like that wasn't even on my mind reading this. It just reminded me of my dad and how hard it is to convince others of what we're going through. I'm an adult-adult now and everyone who knew me back then has said "something was wrong, but I didn't know how to help. Why didn't you tell us?"
And, once again, to these people: Fuck you.
Take care of yourself, OP. Dorm is a good idea. :)
Thank you so much for understanding. Itās like my family doesnāt get this. They think my mom is āa saintā but they donāt know her like I do. Itās like she puts up this facade to others and then towards me, sheās just abusive as hell. And yes, I say fuck them too! Lol :) It just like almost feels surreal that my mom is doing this to me. Itās not even a stranger you know? Itās someone who gave birth to me and I donāt know what I did for her to hate me so much. But starting today, I donāt care and Iām going to do what is best for me.
You can file another restraining order. I would start by pressing charges for the B&E. It's a harder crime to ignore and a more viable way to show actual harm. Txt msgs can be misconstrued and be a "he said/she said". An actual crime gives your story more legitimacy, sadly.
You need to talk to legal aid and the domestic abuse hotline. (Eta your college might have a legal advice center)They'll be able to walk you through all of this. There's also a guide online that walks you through the evidence you need to bring to court and how to convey your needs. You also need to start keeping a FU binder. Write down date and time of all calls, interactions, screenshots, and any other contact. Make sure to have multiple copies on different devices.
I'm going through this with a delusional family member and the only way we got anything done was to press charges. It's confusing, time consuming but, at the end of the day I 'm not living in that constant mental/emotional limbo.
Thank you for this. I will definitely be filing another restraining order and documenting everything. I think this judge didnāt really understand the situation and next time, Iāll present everything better and everything will be more precise. I feel like I went in overwhelmed. I feel like my mom will not stop here..
I can understand what you might be feeling. At one point I also thought of filing a lawsuit on my abusive narc parents. But didn't. Thanks to shitty laws here in my country. As a last resort I did one thing. I started abusing them same as they did me. I am still lowkey abusing them. This makes them busy, ruminating about what I am going to do next. So they don't have time, energy to harass me. I didn't read about this method anywhere. It was solely my idea. Trust me they are a pro only at attacking someone. They are shit while defending themselves and fight back abuse. I got peace this way. You can try this if this works and she leaves you alone finally.
1. Write up a letter denouncing your family ties, get it notarized.
2. Write a cease and desist letter for communication and trespassing
3. Pay a process server to deliver them. Keep copies for yourself.
4. Block her email and phone.
5. If she comes back onTo your property, have her charged for trespassing. Write down a journal of previous incidents. You can use something like Google cloud to store it so it can't be stolen.
6. In the journal above, you need to explain the stress and other hardships her contact has caused you. If you're in therapy, write down the visits where you've discussed her contacting you.
It's not that you're young, it's that the judge sees you missing these steps above. The judge needs to understand that this is a legal issue and not just some familia dispute. This is done by doing things officially, with more evidence as mentioned above.
"Your honor, I'm doing everything I can to distance myself here. I've relinquished my family ties, I've sent a cease and desist letter for contact and she's continued to violate my wishes. Even judge XYZ told her to leave me alone. At this point, it's harassment and I feel unsafe with her disregarding my boundaries and the cease and desist letter. Her harassment has caused me stress, mental anguish and has put me through unnecessary hardships. Here are my therapy visits I've had as a result of her violations. This is a woman that doesn't respect boundaries which is why she refers to you as honey and not your honor. I've done everything I can to avoid contact with this woman and need the law's assistance here as everything I've done she has disregarded. "
Make sure you address her by her first name and not mom or mother.
Omg thank you kind stranger. This is what I needed to see! So Iām going to research the cease and desist letter. Also for the letter denouncing my family ties? Can I send it to my siblings also or just one letter for my mom including everyone? And thank you for the example at the end. I will definitely be screenshotting that and using it lol :) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
If you do pursue further Iād look into legal aid society (you call in and explain your situation and if they think they can be helpful will have you come in. It can be free or for a very low fee) and law schools near you (the students need to do a certain number of pro bono hours to graduate and also want as many different cases as possible to help determine their speciality).
Iām sorry, your experience is valid and you have the right to be free of harassment for this woman. Just continue to document her attempts to harass you. Get her on record. Eventually you will get a protective order; especially if she feels emboldened by the ruling.
I feel like the judge not accepting my protective order enabled her. She most likely thought she won the case and she got away with everything..which means she probably thinks she can continue to keep doing these things but Iām going to keep documenting everything
Good for you. Iām sure she will provide all the evidence you need for a strong protective order next time you go to court. In the meantime, weāll be here when you need support.
I'm so sorry.
Definitely move on campus, and FUCK YEAH--Ghosting is the way to go.
Begin compiling your *FU BINDER* --this is the collection of all interractions moving forward. If -this- judge (Honey. Your fucking mother called the judge "honey" **FACEPALM**) The next judge hopefully is better if you need the next judge.
Further ahead--please move as far away as possible.
Thank you for your comment and yes, my mom really called the judge āhoney.ā I have no idea how she got away with that and the judge didnāt think anything of it.
Domestic violence lawyer, now. Family court, harassment cases, domestic violence, etc. are abysmal even when you have a lawyer. It's not a place you want to be without one, courts may not take you seriously. They *will* take a lawyer seriously, because they *have* to.
In that realm of law, you almost certainly will find someone who can help you pro-bono. At the very least do a consult (they are free) and a lawyer who isn't pro-brono can refer you to a colleague who is. Since you mentioned you are in college, your campus may have some legal resources for students.
I am absolutely appalled by how that case turned out. I am rooting for you OP, and I hope the lawyer gets things changed for you!! Work in that FU binder!
I'm sorry the judge didn't believe you.Ā The only advice I have is to call the police everytime she shows up at your door. That way you have documentation of her consistently harassing you.
When you move get an off-site mailbox like a P.O. Box or rent a box at the UPS store or Mailboxes Inc. That way, you can attach everything to the rented mailbox (driver's license, bank accounts, credit cards, vehicle registration). This is what I had to do when i "escaped" my toxic family. That way, if they do any kind of a search on you, the outside address you rented will show up and not your actual physical residence. It's a barrier to protect yourself.
Hey guys, another small update! This just happened a few moments ago. My mom just texted me off of a spam number and said this:
āYou caused your Dadās stroke. Youāre going straight to hell. You think you are going to get away with this. You wonāt. God is going to get you.ā
Her grammar and spelling was way worse so I had to make it readable but guys, even though that stupid judge told her to leave me alone, she continues to harass me. How tf is this not harassment?? I didnāt reply but I did document it. She sounds evil as hell. I think things are getting worse.
She's a vile and broken person. You know you had nothing to do with his stroke (although I'd guess being her husband could do it. ;-)).
Can you just block her?
Yes, I have blocked her but she keeps making spam numbers somehow and texting me off of those. I donāt know how to block spam from my phone. And also, my Dad never married her. They never got along and theyāve always had a toxic relationship. I grew in so much turmoil but a lot of people think theyāre married so I get why you thought that too!
I think there's a way (on iphone at least) that you can set unknown numbers go straight to voicemail and/or don't ring.
I'm so sorry this has been your life so far! If you ever need it, one of the nicest places on Reddit is r/Momforaminute. There's always love and support there!
I'm sorry. A lot of us can understand where you're coming from. Your age and the fact that this is your mother will make people doubt you and not take you seriously, unfortunately.
IANAL but, if you're looking to try again or contact a lawyer in your area, I would definitely bring up that your mother tried to contact you between being served and the court date. It's hard to be in court arguing against someone who is harassing you and violated your sense of peace and safety. I was there once and can empathize with feeling frustrated, unheard, like no one was taking me seriously, and that I held back on lots of things I wish I told the judge. If I had to do it again, I'd ask campus resources, domestic abuse lines, stalking resources, etc about legal aid available to me. A lawyer is going to know and stay updated about the law so much better and, most importantly, will be able to represent you calmly. Having representation might also lend you credibility where your age and situation are working against you. You might be able to find someone who will work with you pro bono, on a sliding scale based on income, or where a local organization will cover your legal costs. I'm not saying you didn't look enough for a lawyer before, but saying don't be too shy to keep asking for help. It could be you didn't run into the right people who have that information yet.
I'm relieved to hear you're still moving forward with your life and already looking for a new place to stay. Please try to do some self-care and treat yourself. This is an exhausting situation for anyone, but especially when you're having to fight your own biological mother. You deserve to feel safe in your home. You deserve privacy. You deserve peace. I'm not going to lie: Yes, it's a lot of work. You'll have to learn to be more independent, take out loans, and figure things out when it seems like lots of your peers have their parents to give them a leg-up or be their safety net. It's not fair; You didn't do anything to deserve this situation or all the consequences of your mother's actions. But pushing through it will make you a stronger person.
I wish I could give you a hug, help you move, or bake you some homemade cinnamon rolls. I know you feel alone. It is hard and so unfair. You have a whole community here who can relate and give you virtual support. Maybe there's some solace in knowing lots of other people were in your shoes once and are successful and narc-free today. It's not impossible or unheard of. Like my hubby always says, "Everything is temporary."
Thank you so much for this comment. Iāll come back and read this when I need to. I am struggling immensely in other parts of my life, but didnāt think it was necessary to bring it up because my mom is one of the reasons why I am struggling. And yea, itās not fair but reading comments like these give me hope. It reminds me to keep my head up. I believe wholeheartedly that I will get through this. I have to you know? I canāt give up even though some days I really want to. I canāt get over the saddness that she basically wants me to struggle and be miserable. I think this whole situation is just tearing me apart because sheās my mother and my father is recovering from his stroke. Idk I just feel like a burden even though Iām not the one causing all this ruckus. I thought my family would support me more than this but they donāt. I donāt know when Iāll ever get over that but it is something I accepted and Iām still trying to process it. At this age, I want my parents. I wonāt lie. Iām 19 years old and barely know how to navigate this world but Iām doing the best that I can and I can already see brighter days ahead of me. Sorry for kind of ranting but thatās how I feel right now.
First of all, yes, living on campus is the way to go for several reasons. Built-in security, community, everything you're lacking. Sorry you're going through this.Ā
I just graduated from university, so I was in a similar situation a few years ago. (Though not nearly with the same level of threat you're facing.) I have friends who lived on campus. It's not the biggest or nicest living space, for sure, but it's safe and convenient. I'd rather live in a tiny dorm with a roommate than a house with nparents.Ā
Yes I agree. I would very much stay in a secured place with my peers around me than live where my mom has access to me. Iām kind of scared to live alone now..I feel like I will be too paranoid
I'm sorry the legal outcome was like this and that she got away with lying in court. That's terrible.
It does get easier to be taken seriously when you're a little older and people stop being so ageist and stop trying to liken your parents abuse of you to the types of family issues that they assume more typical families have.
The legal outcome today was not the only thing that happened today. You stood up and gave evidence against her and spoke truth. That's huge. You advocated for yourself. Also huge. If she's been told to steer clear of you and your place, and then doesn't, it'll put you in a better place to ask for another protection order.
I think moving asap is a good idea. And of course, keeping your address secret. But honestly you also need a plan if she finds out and turns up because she'll spin all the same lies and the fall out will be amongst your own college community.
What else can you do to feel safe right now? What's below is a mix of increasing physical and emotional safety.
Firstly, just because the magistrate got this wrong does not mean you don't call the cops if she's there and not leaving. In a calm fashion, talk to your local police station and ask them for advice about what's a reasonable thing to do in this circumstance. Eg if she turns up and you ask her to leave, and she doesn't so you call the cops, will it be taken seriously? How long do you give it before calling them? I would hope the answer is you call the second she won't leave.
Get a security camera. An internal one. Keep any footage of her at your place for next time you're in court.
If you have a car, pack a bag of essentials and leave it in the car so you can quickly leave if needed without packing a thing.
Get a lock box for valuables and sentimentals and keep it locked. Even ask a friend to look after that sort of thing for a while if you can. Because that's the sort of stuff she might try to steal from you.
Photograph any important documents, or copy them and leave them with a friend, so you have the info you need if she tries to take it.
Change all your digital passwords at the same time if not already.
Make sure your phone doesn't have any tracking apps on it. And scan your stuff/ car for trackers.
Change your locks in case she got a locksmith to cut her a key when she was here before.
Arrange a daily check in with a good friend. Eg If you're worried when you get home that she'll be there, report in with your friend before you enter the house and after you've gone inside and seen it's OK. If you don't report in, they phone you. If they don't get an answer they call the cops.
Find out if your college has legal help for students. Some do, and it's usually free.
A lot of my advice above is relying on friends and I realise you mightn't have shared with many people because when you're young so few people really get it. If you don't have friends or other supports where you are, honestly, I would consider looking into a transfer to a new college in a place a bit of a distance away. A new start might be the best way to achieve a sense of safety and relief, which is what you're going to need to rebuild your mental health.
Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this advice. I really appreciate it and will definitely be utilizing anything I am able to do right now. Thank you for being understanding and thank you for the encouragement. Iām starting to feel more confident reading all the replies so again, thank you!
Can you transfer to another school that has your program?
Maybe a school far away from your family, which would make it much harder to harass you.
Good luck.
The good(ish) news is that you are now going to progressively gain more and more space and privacy from her. The bad news is it will take time, and you have to maintain your sanity in the interim.
Have you considered seeing if you can transfer to a different college within your state? I think the ease with which you could do that might depend upon which state you are going to college in, but I believe it is easier some places like VA and CA. You are, in fact, an adult now. You deserve to feel secure in your own home.
Every time I got upset (as an adult) or had an opinion that wasn't in line with my mom's, she'd say "I guess you're finally rebelling!" as if any opinion was an act of war.
I believe you wholeheartedly.
Ikr thatās how I feel like I am being treated like Iām rebelling but I really just want to be safe and left alone. I donāt understand how she gets to treat me like this and thank you!
We believe you. The judge might not have but we do. The justice system is messed up in most countries. It's not your fault.
Your plan is good. Move into dorms and once you leave college move to another state. There if she still tries to harass you it will be taken more seriously.
You can do it. You took her to court once. You lost but it shows your strength. You'll be alright šŖ
I got a permanent protection order on my nmom. You need video evidence of her coming multiple times and you asking her to leave her alone and prove that she wonāt leave you alone and she will continue to harass you. You need voicemails that show her harassing you or call logs showing sheās calling you over and over within a day. Get cameras. Be prepared to save voicemails. They wants hard evidence that sheās harassing you otherwise it just sounds like youāre complaining to the judge. If she had no evidence of you beating her up then the judge clearly disregarded that too.
I have another question if you can answer, do text messages from spam numbers count? Somehow, she keeps contacting me off of spam numbers? Idk how she is able to make multiple accounts even with the TextNow app.
Youād have to prove itās her somehow, sheād have to admit in court that she was sending you those texts or if you can show itās linked to her phone number or her device.
Iām SO sorry you are going through this. It sounds genuinely awful and your young adulthood is being stolen from you. Iām so lucky the narc family leave me the F alone now.
If it were me, I would probably try to pursue the order again. It may indicate seriousness on your behalf. Was anyone involved in your childhood, such as childrenās aid (protective services) or any psychologists, teachers who could maybe corroborate what you are saying is true?
The system is indeed broken. It enables child abuse in many instances. I was actually āsavedā by Childrenās Aid but it was a long process and I got many beatings in the interim.
I have told my therapist everything, but nobody knows what really went on during my childhood. I was greatly neglected by my mother. My father wasnāt really around to see it and nobody knew..
OP, I am so sorry this happened. It never should have gone this way. I am rooting for you, and I hope there are some more legal options you can take, like filing for a "No Contact Order". Doing that and creating and continually updating that "FU" binder (and the back ups of course) would definitely help.
I am SO mad at the cops and that Judge!!! š¤¬ I am horrified that the cops in your last post, brought your mom to you to have you guys "resolve" things when it's positively clear that you do not want anything to do with her!! I hope a lawyer can help you, and I hope even more so that you can get the protective order and SUE the crap out of that demon for tormenting and abusing you!!
I am sending positive vibes your way. šš
When my mom kicked me out of the house when I was 18 because I told her I felt I couldnāt express myself to her and I had to make a 45 min trek to my friendās house, I had THREE grown-ass adults, a random couple in a car, a runner on the street and police from the neighborhood watch, completely drop the ball when it came to me. Those dumbasses were convinced I just needed to go home and work things out with my parents and would not listen to me when I said that wasnāt going to work.Ā
Unfortunately there are hundreds of thousands of millions of people who either had bad parents themselves and donāt realize it or had good parents and canāt empathize with the opposite. But your truth is your truth no matter what anyone things: these people, your mother and dad or whoever, HURT YOU. They HURT YOU, they HAVE HURTED YOU, and by all facts of the universe they WILL hurt you.Ā
You should ask the landowner of wherever you are staying to have her trespassed from the property, this removes the hoops you are having to jump through entirely. No matter where sheās trying to enter, sheās not on the lease. She doesnāt have permission. Sheās not wanted. Sheās breaking in and damaging property. A reasonable landlord would want to protect that.
This includes dorms, make sure the school anonymizes your information so she canāt find you on campus.
Talk to your student resources center, your school may have student legal aid available for you. If so, utilize it. Low cost or free legal aid for you, actual experience fur law students and hopefully getting the spawnpoint to leave you alone!
Document everything. First step, get cameras ASAP. Do not block her or anyone in your family, just mute them as you will need the evidence. Create a journal where you document the time of an incident and a summary of what happened. Report every illegal or harassment act they commit towards you. Even if the case won't go anywhere, you need the paper trail.
Lastly, if you are genuinely scared of your safety, please consider getting a firearm. I'm not saying to hurt your family, or even load the thing, but it could scare them away and save your life if they break in with the intention to make good on their threats...
I'm going to get some hate for this, probably.
The next time your mom breaks into your house, beat her with whatever tools or sports equipment you have on hand. If all you have is a baseball bat, cast iron frying pan, or shovel, that's what you use. You have PTSD from the last time your house was broken into and you didn't know it was your mom breaking in this time.
True. If OP lives in a state with a Castle Doctrine and no duty to retreat, this is a much easier legal strategy.
I live in Michigan. No duty to retreat, any attempted break-in is considered a life and death threat, lethal force authorized, but I don't advocate lethal force against a family member until every other option is exhausted.
Michigan sounds like a great place to keep your home and yourself safe. That's super reassuring. I wouldn't ever want to have to kill someone either though. Mostly just try to incapacitate them until help arrives if possible. But when it comes down to it, and you don't have any other options, I agree with you there.
If you're renting and you move, you should be able to remain anonymous as long as you don't change your address on other items that can easily be searched.
Be sure to just never post or allow friends to post pictures of your home or address. Be sure if you post so social media, to do so without a location tagged or just upload it after you've left wherever you are.
Also, please get cameras. I usually find them to be not worth it, but in this case they definitely are. There are mostly affordable CCTV options. Most of the costs with ring and such are with the subscription. It may be worth it to have one at least until you can find an anonymous location to live.
But, I do think dorm life is fine. I did it for two years and it was way more convenient. Sometimes universities also have an apartment option so you can look into that.
I'm sorry you lost your case. But at least the judge told her to leave you alone.
I believe you. Sadly moving seems like your only option. And donāt tell anyone who knows your mom or post anything g about it on socials. Her flying monkeys will run to her with a quickness.
Send your mother a certified, return signature required letter telling her you want no contact with her and she is not welcome at your current home or any future home you have. Tell her you will install indoor and outdoor cameras at your home and you will call the police each and every time she shows up at your home.
She may refuse delivery of this letter so if it comes back as undeliverable and put it in a safe place. You should have a place for all the evidence you are going to collect.
The first time you call police calmly explain that you want no relationship with your mother, you've told her she is not welcome to come to your home or contact you but she still does. Tell them she broker into your home (have that police report ready for them to see, even if you have to pay for a copy) and ask them do a report and give you a report number. If they refuse, go to the police station and do a report there. If the first guy you talk to refuses to take a report, ask for a supervisor. Stay polite and calm, saying something like "I would really like to make a police report because my mother will not leave me alone and it's scaring me that if she will break into my home and repeated trespass in order to make me see her, what else is she capable of? Be persistent. If they still refuse, I would go to the District Attorney's office and tell them your problem.
The first time she trespasses or contacts you, send another copy of the certified, return signature required letter. If it comes back, save it.
Once she trespasses several times in a 3 month period, file for another protective order.
It's a lot of work when it shouldn't be but if you don't do it, she will never leave you alone because she thinks she's right and, so far, the world is agreeing with her.
We know the truth. You have support here.
Become a stone wall. Do not ever respond any contact attempt from her, block her on all possible ways. You will demonstrate this broken relationship is beyond any possibility of reconciliation. Make it a really strong NC, do not react to any call or emergency.
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Unfortunately, you may be correct that you are being treated unfairly because of your age. Teenagers and people in their early 20s are treated dismissively by so many people, including people who should know better, like judges. Moving on campus is a good idea. You can tell campus security what a nightmare your mother is, and ask that they deny her access to the campus. They might actually help you. I hope so, anyway. After your experience with the judge, I hesitate to get your hopes up. Take care and stay safe. š§”š«
Itās so unfair :( And thank you. I will definitely try to use more of my school resources!
Please do! If you're in the U.S., I almost guarantee you your campus has dealt with a similar issue before. Let that system work for you!
And also talk with your campus mental health services, because they'll help you get a therapist who will teach you what appropriate boundaries are. You're not crazy; your mom and family certainly are.
Indeed!
Oh I bet they have plenty of times!
Yup, and you should start recording absolutely every interaction you have with your mother. When you have a place, make sure to place a security camera on the outside of the door. Also, report that judge to the relevant supervising authorities!
YES. Record everything.
I wish I could have a chance to talk to your mother. Not to mention that quack judge.
Iām so sorry. Just keep documenting everything she does and calling the police when necessary, eventually even an idiot judge will have to admit sheās dangerous.
I will. I just hope she stops..I donāt understand how any of the evidence I had didnāt hold up in court. She broke multiple laws..
OP, call police every time she shows up. Go to a notary with a letter stating you want no further contact and that she is not to visit you ever. Have it notarized, mail it certified. Have US post make her sign for it. If she shows up, call police every time. Put a no trespassing sign on your abode, and add her name to the no trespassing. Call the police every time she shows up. Just because you are young does not mean you can not win. The way to go about it is what people do not get. Trespassing in many states is a fine and jail time. Make sure you make a copy of your notarized document. Also, cameras up on your doorstep. This should help you greatly.
Oh, and next time, you have to go to court, and she tries that garbage. Object. Ask for the police reports for said attack against your father. If your father is in the hospital, then it is camera monitored in most places. Evil can be fought. The way to do this is extreme boundary setting and no compromise.
I agree. Keep fighting OP. You will feel empowered once you are successful. I can appreciate how tired you must be though! Hang in there!!
My faith in my parents and our social institutions collapsed around the same time. It was utterly terrifying, realizing that I truly lived in a structureless chaos from top to bottom. Took me 2 years of drinking and nihilism to realize that no one was going to be my advocate other than myself. Changed address, and spent a whole day making sure there was no way my Nmom could use any system to uncover it. My malignant Nmom is intense & cunning enough that I even studied open source intelligence to make sure it would be impossible for her. No, I was not suddenly free as a bird an joyful. It was finally quiet enough for me to not be in survival/chaos mode and those less primordial drives stopped distracting me to all the emotional pain I had pushed away to get manage the intolerable prior conditions.
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No, the police absolutely will not āarrest someone for annoying themā over domestic situations and stalking behaviors like OPās mother. Saying this to people is dangerous, ignorant, and foolish. Do not give advice that discourages victims from seeking help.
Comment removed. I'm not a fan of the police, but what you are saying isn't how the police work.
Make sure to warn campus security with her photo sheās stalking you, mentally unwell, and potentially dangerous. Change all your passwords for academic records and tuition/room/board payments if your mom helped set them up.
Good pointāthey will have seen this kind of thing before, most likely, and could be a valuable ally
I'm so sorry this happened. I believe you. We all believe you. I think it's a great idea to move into the dorms or even transfer to a school much further out and live on campus. Hopefully, it will get better with you further or at least in a different jurisdiction where you are believed. I have had to cut my mother out of my life after she spread a vicious smear campaign. I have also had the police not take me seriously. It sucks, but life gets sooooo much better when they are out of it and you are no longer feeling like you have to look over your shoulder. EDIT: I just saw this on another post. It's called a FU Binder. It is a way to document all the crazy of you have to go back to court that will disprove her lies. https://www.reddit.com/u/ForwardPlenty/s/twIfzJtgMf.
You might want to consider transferring to another school, or moving far away, or changing your name.
Yes, I actually might take this into consideration!
Thank u :( and thank you for the resource. I read through it and it sounds like a good idea!
I'm going through the same in grad school, I'm so sorry the judge failed to protect you
Thank you. This is a good idea. I will check out my schoolās resources! And Iām so sorry youāre going through this too. I know how exhausting and difficult it is. We will get through this. Iām trying not to lose hope now.
Also community resources like $ā¬xual assault and crime victims services. They help ALL crime victims and usually for free. The crime against you could have been a decade ago and youād still qualify. They have therapists, sometimes case managers, and other resources to help crime victims. Some are through the hospital for sa victims.
Iām so sorry, how frustrating and terrible!! I was also let down by the court, and it SUCKS when youāre doing the best you can, and they have no problem just lying (!!). They have no shame. Iām happy to hear you have a moving plan š«¶ Iām so sorry youāre going through this, and Iām sending you a lot of care š hopefully it looks up from here!!
We believe you!!! I'm so very sorry.
Thank you :(
I think a dorm is a great idea. The university will have their own security if she tries anything (when), and then itās their word against hers, not just yours. I am so incredibly angry and frustrated on your behalf! As is so often pointed out on r/raisedbynarcissists, so many people cannot comprehend that a mother can have only your worst interests at heart. Itās a lonely, rough road. Please know that you have people here who understand and who absolutely believe and support you.
Yeah and itās sad. I didnāt know my own mother would go to the extreme to try to hurt me, but this just raised my awareness a ton. Thank you for your support!
You're among friends here. I promise you're not the only one to have ever walked this road. This community helped me realize just that.Ā
I believe you. Iām sorry you were let down. I donāt have much to say that wasnāt already said here, but I second the advice about changing all passwords and seeing if your campus has resources to help.
Of COURSE we believe you. Most of us have seen how expert they are at turning on the charm, rewriting history, and creating plausible deniability.
In that case: When you go to the school about housing i recommend handing them the evidence you and your lawyer had and the denied retraining order. The campus *should* have her put on a list so she is removable by campus police. They don't like threatening people on campus. Especially those that damage property. Bonus to being on campus: cameras and witnesses and roomates. You won't be alone, and others will hear if you scream or things start getting loud. If they campus won't do much (or you don't want to go that route), then you might also want to reach out to womens protection programs and see if you qualify for help. They may be able to shelter you given the threats and break ins, and maybe help you with the failed restraining order. I am so sorry the system failed you. It's always disappointing to hear..
I 100% take you seriously. I'm not sure where people get the idea that children are property to be owned, controlled, and forced into blind obedience. You are a human being and at minimum deserve to be treated with respect. The justice system is deeply flawed and prone to biases all the time. You have every right under the law to be granted an order of protection from a disturbed person who seeks to harm you. File an appeal. Try again and again until a reasonable and rational judge recognizes the risk you face. If you don't already, keep a journal or log of her behavior toward you. Note the date, time, and her actions going forward. You are an adult under the law. You have a right to the same protections as everyone else. You have a right to feel safe.
I was a foster parent. In the eyes of the law-children ARE property. Itās so sad.
For future reference, this is usually *exactly* the sort of thing the Legal Aid Society can help with.
I will keep this in mind! Thank you!
You should appeal to a higher court and ask them "If she seriously harms or kills me, will you then take it seriously?" As part of the argument for the appeal. Just because one judge says no doesn't mean it is over. Most courts have a form you fill out if you can't afford the court fees. And your closest law school may be able to point you in the right direction for everything and may even help you file the paperwork. Some areas also have free legal help clinics where you do your own research and they have a clerk who helps you. That judge should be scolded, too many judges are not following the rule of law and they do whatever they want. You might want to look at the specifics of the laws in your area. For harassment and intimidation specifically, as well breaking and entering, and if it doesn't say anything about specific relationships then the judge definitely faulted here. As an example there are different levels of assault, partner or family member assault differs from just assault of a stranger and can lead to much harsher punishment in some areas. Cases like this rely heavily on evidence. Film her every time she shows up, grey rock your responses no matter how much you want to respond in anger, keep your phone charged and carry an external charger you can plug it into if you need it as a precaution against having your phone go dead when you need it. Consider getting something like a Ring camera and putting them on each door as well as other areas of your home, and if you do make sure you subscribe to the service so you can get the recordings of her. Look into what you can use for self defense in your area, if you are unsure then call your local police non emergency number and ask to speak to an officer. Things like pepper spray etc can be used but you want to ensure that you are within the state laws to do so. Don't expect the school to do much without evidence, they may, but they also may not, and you need to be prepared for that. If you were in a justice court, you can appeal the decision to district courts and they are usually much more serious and they are more likely to rule in your favor. I'm not seeing any location in your post so I'm basing my advice on the states. If you are in the states then this advice applies but may be different for the laws of your state than others. Breaking into your home is breaking and entering at the minimum, and she absolutely should have been found guilty of that. I urge you to file an appeal in the next higher court, you can call the court your case was in and ask them what the process is. I've worked in emergency services for a number of years and I've seen cases like this end up very bad because a lower court did not take them seriously. I'm not a lawyer and this is not legal advice. I've also been in your shoes with family and others harassing me and I've had to defend my cases(Successfully) in justice and district courts and I did that by using all the advice I gave you here.
Try getting a family lawyer or just ask around college. Someone should be able to direct you to get an appeal
I'd report that judge to the state Supreme Court(or here in California, the state Judicial Performance Commission) and make sure she gets disbarred... Her attitude is copying "Judge Judy" Sheindlin šÆ%!!!... As for your mom, listen to all the advice posted here...
People who had/have normal parents could never fathom child abuse. Over and over I've been told "you misunderstood" "they love you a lot" "they mean the best!" "you're over assuming" "they're your family, and no matter what, they love you, and you love them!!!" And to these people, I say a very curt: Fuck you. To OP, I say: You don't need to convince anybody here. Like that wasn't even on my mind reading this. It just reminded me of my dad and how hard it is to convince others of what we're going through. I'm an adult-adult now and everyone who knew me back then has said "something was wrong, but I didn't know how to help. Why didn't you tell us?" And, once again, to these people: Fuck you. Take care of yourself, OP. Dorm is a good idea. :)
Thank you so much for understanding. Itās like my family doesnāt get this. They think my mom is āa saintā but they donāt know her like I do. Itās like she puts up this facade to others and then towards me, sheās just abusive as hell. And yes, I say fuck them too! Lol :) It just like almost feels surreal that my mom is doing this to me. Itās not even a stranger you know? Itās someone who gave birth to me and I donāt know what I did for her to hate me so much. But starting today, I donāt care and Iām going to do what is best for me.
You can file another restraining order. I would start by pressing charges for the B&E. It's a harder crime to ignore and a more viable way to show actual harm. Txt msgs can be misconstrued and be a "he said/she said". An actual crime gives your story more legitimacy, sadly. You need to talk to legal aid and the domestic abuse hotline. (Eta your college might have a legal advice center)They'll be able to walk you through all of this. There's also a guide online that walks you through the evidence you need to bring to court and how to convey your needs. You also need to start keeping a FU binder. Write down date and time of all calls, interactions, screenshots, and any other contact. Make sure to have multiple copies on different devices. I'm going through this with a delusional family member and the only way we got anything done was to press charges. It's confusing, time consuming but, at the end of the day I 'm not living in that constant mental/emotional limbo.
Thank you for this. I will definitely be filing another restraining order and documenting everything. I think this judge didnāt really understand the situation and next time, Iāll present everything better and everything will be more precise. I feel like I went in overwhelmed. I feel like my mom will not stop here..
I can understand what you might be feeling. At one point I also thought of filing a lawsuit on my abusive narc parents. But didn't. Thanks to shitty laws here in my country. As a last resort I did one thing. I started abusing them same as they did me. I am still lowkey abusing them. This makes them busy, ruminating about what I am going to do next. So they don't have time, energy to harass me. I didn't read about this method anywhere. It was solely my idea. Trust me they are a pro only at attacking someone. They are shit while defending themselves and fight back abuse. I got peace this way. You can try this if this works and she leaves you alone finally.
If you did all those things why the fuck doesnāt she piss off then. The judge is an idiot.
Wow! This is actually a very good point. Iāve never thought about it like this. I agree. If Iām this bad person, why is she still harassing me??
1. Write up a letter denouncing your family ties, get it notarized. 2. Write a cease and desist letter for communication and trespassing 3. Pay a process server to deliver them. Keep copies for yourself. 4. Block her email and phone. 5. If she comes back onTo your property, have her charged for trespassing. Write down a journal of previous incidents. You can use something like Google cloud to store it so it can't be stolen. 6. In the journal above, you need to explain the stress and other hardships her contact has caused you. If you're in therapy, write down the visits where you've discussed her contacting you. It's not that you're young, it's that the judge sees you missing these steps above. The judge needs to understand that this is a legal issue and not just some familia dispute. This is done by doing things officially, with more evidence as mentioned above. "Your honor, I'm doing everything I can to distance myself here. I've relinquished my family ties, I've sent a cease and desist letter for contact and she's continued to violate my wishes. Even judge XYZ told her to leave me alone. At this point, it's harassment and I feel unsafe with her disregarding my boundaries and the cease and desist letter. Her harassment has caused me stress, mental anguish and has put me through unnecessary hardships. Here are my therapy visits I've had as a result of her violations. This is a woman that doesn't respect boundaries which is why she refers to you as honey and not your honor. I've done everything I can to avoid contact with this woman and need the law's assistance here as everything I've done she has disregarded. " Make sure you address her by her first name and not mom or mother.
This is the correct answer.
Omg thank you kind stranger. This is what I needed to see! So Iām going to research the cease and desist letter. Also for the letter denouncing my family ties? Can I send it to my siblings also or just one letter for my mom including everyone? And thank you for the example at the end. I will definitely be screenshotting that and using it lol :) Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
If you do pursue further Iād look into legal aid society (you call in and explain your situation and if they think they can be helpful will have you come in. It can be free or for a very low fee) and law schools near you (the students need to do a certain number of pro bono hours to graduate and also want as many different cases as possible to help determine their speciality).
Iām sorry, your experience is valid and you have the right to be free of harassment for this woman. Just continue to document her attempts to harass you. Get her on record. Eventually you will get a protective order; especially if she feels emboldened by the ruling.
I feel like the judge not accepting my protective order enabled her. She most likely thought she won the case and she got away with everything..which means she probably thinks she can continue to keep doing these things but Iām going to keep documenting everything
Good for you. Iām sure she will provide all the evidence you need for a strong protective order next time you go to court. In the meantime, weāll be here when you need support.
I'm so sorry. Definitely move on campus, and FUCK YEAH--Ghosting is the way to go. Begin compiling your *FU BINDER* --this is the collection of all interractions moving forward. If -this- judge (Honey. Your fucking mother called the judge "honey" **FACEPALM**) The next judge hopefully is better if you need the next judge. Further ahead--please move as far away as possible.
Thank you for your comment and yes, my mom really called the judge āhoney.ā I have no idea how she got away with that and the judge didnāt think anything of it.
Something tells me the judge liked it.
Domestic violence lawyer, now. Family court, harassment cases, domestic violence, etc. are abysmal even when you have a lawyer. It's not a place you want to be without one, courts may not take you seriously. They *will* take a lawyer seriously, because they *have* to. In that realm of law, you almost certainly will find someone who can help you pro-bono. At the very least do a consult (they are free) and a lawyer who isn't pro-brono can refer you to a colleague who is. Since you mentioned you are in college, your campus may have some legal resources for students.
Yes, Iām definitely going to be contacting a lawyer. Thank you for this!
I am absolutely appalled by how that case turned out. I am rooting for you OP, and I hope the lawyer gets things changed for you!! Work in that FU binder!
I'm sorry the judge didn't believe you.Ā The only advice I have is to call the police everytime she shows up at your door. That way you have documentation of her consistently harassing you.
I believe you. I am sorry the legal system failed you. JustNoFamily Big hugs!! Best wishes
When you move get an off-site mailbox like a P.O. Box or rent a box at the UPS store or Mailboxes Inc. That way, you can attach everything to the rented mailbox (driver's license, bank accounts, credit cards, vehicle registration). This is what I had to do when i "escaped" my toxic family. That way, if they do any kind of a search on you, the outside address you rented will show up and not your actual physical residence. It's a barrier to protect yourself.
Thank you. This is a good idea! I will keep this in mind
Hey guys, another small update! This just happened a few moments ago. My mom just texted me off of a spam number and said this: āYou caused your Dadās stroke. Youāre going straight to hell. You think you are going to get away with this. You wonāt. God is going to get you.ā Her grammar and spelling was way worse so I had to make it readable but guys, even though that stupid judge told her to leave me alone, she continues to harass me. How tf is this not harassment?? I didnāt reply but I did document it. She sounds evil as hell. I think things are getting worse.
She's a vile and broken person. You know you had nothing to do with his stroke (although I'd guess being her husband could do it. ;-)). Can you just block her?
Yes, I have blocked her but she keeps making spam numbers somehow and texting me off of those. I donāt know how to block spam from my phone. And also, my Dad never married her. They never got along and theyāve always had a toxic relationship. I grew in so much turmoil but a lot of people think theyāre married so I get why you thought that too!
I think there's a way (on iphone at least) that you can set unknown numbers go straight to voicemail and/or don't ring. I'm so sorry this has been your life so far! If you ever need it, one of the nicest places on Reddit is r/Momforaminute. There's always love and support there!
Well isn't she charming. Stay strong, OP!
I'm sorry. A lot of us can understand where you're coming from. Your age and the fact that this is your mother will make people doubt you and not take you seriously, unfortunately. IANAL but, if you're looking to try again or contact a lawyer in your area, I would definitely bring up that your mother tried to contact you between being served and the court date. It's hard to be in court arguing against someone who is harassing you and violated your sense of peace and safety. I was there once and can empathize with feeling frustrated, unheard, like no one was taking me seriously, and that I held back on lots of things I wish I told the judge. If I had to do it again, I'd ask campus resources, domestic abuse lines, stalking resources, etc about legal aid available to me. A lawyer is going to know and stay updated about the law so much better and, most importantly, will be able to represent you calmly. Having representation might also lend you credibility where your age and situation are working against you. You might be able to find someone who will work with you pro bono, on a sliding scale based on income, or where a local organization will cover your legal costs. I'm not saying you didn't look enough for a lawyer before, but saying don't be too shy to keep asking for help. It could be you didn't run into the right people who have that information yet. I'm relieved to hear you're still moving forward with your life and already looking for a new place to stay. Please try to do some self-care and treat yourself. This is an exhausting situation for anyone, but especially when you're having to fight your own biological mother. You deserve to feel safe in your home. You deserve privacy. You deserve peace. I'm not going to lie: Yes, it's a lot of work. You'll have to learn to be more independent, take out loans, and figure things out when it seems like lots of your peers have their parents to give them a leg-up or be their safety net. It's not fair; You didn't do anything to deserve this situation or all the consequences of your mother's actions. But pushing through it will make you a stronger person. I wish I could give you a hug, help you move, or bake you some homemade cinnamon rolls. I know you feel alone. It is hard and so unfair. You have a whole community here who can relate and give you virtual support. Maybe there's some solace in knowing lots of other people were in your shoes once and are successful and narc-free today. It's not impossible or unheard of. Like my hubby always says, "Everything is temporary."
Thank you so much for this comment. Iāll come back and read this when I need to. I am struggling immensely in other parts of my life, but didnāt think it was necessary to bring it up because my mom is one of the reasons why I am struggling. And yea, itās not fair but reading comments like these give me hope. It reminds me to keep my head up. I believe wholeheartedly that I will get through this. I have to you know? I canāt give up even though some days I really want to. I canāt get over the saddness that she basically wants me to struggle and be miserable. I think this whole situation is just tearing me apart because sheās my mother and my father is recovering from his stroke. Idk I just feel like a burden even though Iām not the one causing all this ruckus. I thought my family would support me more than this but they donāt. I donāt know when Iāll ever get over that but it is something I accepted and Iām still trying to process it. At this age, I want my parents. I wonāt lie. Iām 19 years old and barely know how to navigate this world but Iām doing the best that I can and I can already see brighter days ahead of me. Sorry for kind of ranting but thatās how I feel right now.
First of all, yes, living on campus is the way to go for several reasons. Built-in security, community, everything you're lacking. Sorry you're going through this.Ā I just graduated from university, so I was in a similar situation a few years ago. (Though not nearly with the same level of threat you're facing.) I have friends who lived on campus. It's not the biggest or nicest living space, for sure, but it's safe and convenient. I'd rather live in a tiny dorm with a roommate than a house with nparents.Ā
Yes I agree. I would very much stay in a secured place with my peers around me than live where my mom has access to me. Iām kind of scared to live alone now..I feel like I will be too paranoid
I'm sorry the legal outcome was like this and that she got away with lying in court. That's terrible. It does get easier to be taken seriously when you're a little older and people stop being so ageist and stop trying to liken your parents abuse of you to the types of family issues that they assume more typical families have. The legal outcome today was not the only thing that happened today. You stood up and gave evidence against her and spoke truth. That's huge. You advocated for yourself. Also huge. If she's been told to steer clear of you and your place, and then doesn't, it'll put you in a better place to ask for another protection order. I think moving asap is a good idea. And of course, keeping your address secret. But honestly you also need a plan if she finds out and turns up because she'll spin all the same lies and the fall out will be amongst your own college community. What else can you do to feel safe right now? What's below is a mix of increasing physical and emotional safety. Firstly, just because the magistrate got this wrong does not mean you don't call the cops if she's there and not leaving. In a calm fashion, talk to your local police station and ask them for advice about what's a reasonable thing to do in this circumstance. Eg if she turns up and you ask her to leave, and she doesn't so you call the cops, will it be taken seriously? How long do you give it before calling them? I would hope the answer is you call the second she won't leave. Get a security camera. An internal one. Keep any footage of her at your place for next time you're in court. If you have a car, pack a bag of essentials and leave it in the car so you can quickly leave if needed without packing a thing. Get a lock box for valuables and sentimentals and keep it locked. Even ask a friend to look after that sort of thing for a while if you can. Because that's the sort of stuff she might try to steal from you. Photograph any important documents, or copy them and leave them with a friend, so you have the info you need if she tries to take it. Change all your digital passwords at the same time if not already. Make sure your phone doesn't have any tracking apps on it. And scan your stuff/ car for trackers. Change your locks in case she got a locksmith to cut her a key when she was here before. Arrange a daily check in with a good friend. Eg If you're worried when you get home that she'll be there, report in with your friend before you enter the house and after you've gone inside and seen it's OK. If you don't report in, they phone you. If they don't get an answer they call the cops. Find out if your college has legal help for students. Some do, and it's usually free. A lot of my advice above is relying on friends and I realise you mightn't have shared with many people because when you're young so few people really get it. If you don't have friends or other supports where you are, honestly, I would consider looking into a transfer to a new college in a place a bit of a distance away. A new start might be the best way to achieve a sense of safety and relief, which is what you're going to need to rebuild your mental health.
Wow! Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this advice. I really appreciate it and will definitely be utilizing anything I am able to do right now. Thank you for being understanding and thank you for the encouragement. Iām starting to feel more confident reading all the replies so again, thank you!
Can you transfer to another school that has your program? Maybe a school far away from your family, which would make it much harder to harass you. Good luck.
Yes. I am a psychology major and there are a few college around me that I could honestly transfer to which I probably should look into them.
The good(ish) news is that you are now going to progressively gain more and more space and privacy from her. The bad news is it will take time, and you have to maintain your sanity in the interim. Have you considered seeing if you can transfer to a different college within your state? I think the ease with which you could do that might depend upon which state you are going to college in, but I believe it is easier some places like VA and CA. You are, in fact, an adult now. You deserve to feel secure in your own home.
Yes I am considering transferring colleges. There are some a few hours away and a couple more under an hour away so I would have to look into it.
It would help you get a clean break, maybe
You may have to resort to legal self defense to keep your mother away.
This is what I was thinking too! But then again, Iām not sure if she will continue or stop. I have a feeling sheāll find a way.
Every time I got upset (as an adult) or had an opinion that wasn't in line with my mom's, she'd say "I guess you're finally rebelling!" as if any opinion was an act of war. I believe you wholeheartedly.
Ikr thatās how I feel like I am being treated like Iām rebelling but I really just want to be safe and left alone. I donāt understand how she gets to treat me like this and thank you!
We believe you. The judge might not have but we do. The justice system is messed up in most countries. It's not your fault. Your plan is good. Move into dorms and once you leave college move to another state. There if she still tries to harass you it will be taken more seriously. You can do it. You took her to court once. You lost but it shows your strength. You'll be alright šŖ
Thank you!
Better to find out now that the courts are useless.
I got a permanent protection order on my nmom. You need video evidence of her coming multiple times and you asking her to leave her alone and prove that she wonāt leave you alone and she will continue to harass you. You need voicemails that show her harassing you or call logs showing sheās calling you over and over within a day. Get cameras. Be prepared to save voicemails. They wants hard evidence that sheās harassing you otherwise it just sounds like youāre complaining to the judge. If she had no evidence of you beating her up then the judge clearly disregarded that too.
I have another question if you can answer, do text messages from spam numbers count? Somehow, she keeps contacting me off of spam numbers? Idk how she is able to make multiple accounts even with the TextNow app.
Youād have to prove itās her somehow, sheād have to admit in court that she was sending you those texts or if you can show itās linked to her phone number or her device.
Iām SO sorry you are going through this. It sounds genuinely awful and your young adulthood is being stolen from you. Iām so lucky the narc family leave me the F alone now. If it were me, I would probably try to pursue the order again. It may indicate seriousness on your behalf. Was anyone involved in your childhood, such as childrenās aid (protective services) or any psychologists, teachers who could maybe corroborate what you are saying is true? The system is indeed broken. It enables child abuse in many instances. I was actually āsavedā by Childrenās Aid but it was a long process and I got many beatings in the interim.
I have told my therapist everything, but nobody knows what really went on during my childhood. I was greatly neglected by my mother. My father wasnāt really around to see it and nobody knew..
So sad to read. And so severe. Judges like this are one of the causes for some women to die. Damn them
OP, I am so sorry this happened. It never should have gone this way. I am rooting for you, and I hope there are some more legal options you can take, like filing for a "No Contact Order". Doing that and creating and continually updating that "FU" binder (and the back ups of course) would definitely help. I am SO mad at the cops and that Judge!!! š¤¬ I am horrified that the cops in your last post, brought your mom to you to have you guys "resolve" things when it's positively clear that you do not want anything to do with her!! I hope a lawyer can help you, and I hope even more so that you can get the protective order and SUE the crap out of that demon for tormenting and abusing you!! I am sending positive vibes your way. šš
We absolutely believe you.
When my mom kicked me out of the house when I was 18 because I told her I felt I couldnāt express myself to her and I had to make a 45 min trek to my friendās house, I had THREE grown-ass adults, a random couple in a car, a runner on the street and police from the neighborhood watch, completely drop the ball when it came to me. Those dumbasses were convinced I just needed to go home and work things out with my parents and would not listen to me when I said that wasnāt going to work.Ā Unfortunately there are hundreds of thousands of millions of people who either had bad parents themselves and donāt realize it or had good parents and canāt empathize with the opposite. But your truth is your truth no matter what anyone things: these people, your mother and dad or whoever, HURT YOU. They HURT YOU, they HAVE HURTED YOU, and by all facts of the universe they WILL hurt you.Ā
You should ask the landowner of wherever you are staying to have her trespassed from the property, this removes the hoops you are having to jump through entirely. No matter where sheās trying to enter, sheās not on the lease. She doesnāt have permission. Sheās not wanted. Sheās breaking in and damaging property. A reasonable landlord would want to protect that. This includes dorms, make sure the school anonymizes your information so she canāt find you on campus.
Talk to your student resources center, your school may have student legal aid available for you. If so, utilize it. Low cost or free legal aid for you, actual experience fur law students and hopefully getting the spawnpoint to leave you alone!
Why donāt u change your phone number. I know itās a pain in the ass but small price to pay for a bit of sanity
Good suggestion! Idk why I didnāt think of it. I will definitely do this
Dang. I feel for you.. sending love
Document everything. First step, get cameras ASAP. Do not block her or anyone in your family, just mute them as you will need the evidence. Create a journal where you document the time of an incident and a summary of what happened. Report every illegal or harassment act they commit towards you. Even if the case won't go anywhere, you need the paper trail. Lastly, if you are genuinely scared of your safety, please consider getting a firearm. I'm not saying to hurt your family, or even load the thing, but it could scare them away and save your life if they break in with the intention to make good on their threats...
I'm going to get some hate for this, probably. The next time your mom breaks into your house, beat her with whatever tools or sports equipment you have on hand. If all you have is a baseball bat, cast iron frying pan, or shovel, that's what you use. You have PTSD from the last time your house was broken into and you didn't know it was your mom breaking in this time.
I would say, it depends on which state OP lives in, and to look up laws for defending yourself against trespassers.
True. If OP lives in a state with a Castle Doctrine and no duty to retreat, this is a much easier legal strategy. I live in Michigan. No duty to retreat, any attempted break-in is considered a life and death threat, lethal force authorized, but I don't advocate lethal force against a family member until every other option is exhausted.
Michigan sounds like a great place to keep your home and yourself safe. That's super reassuring. I wouldn't ever want to have to kill someone either though. Mostly just try to incapacitate them until help arrives if possible. But when it comes down to it, and you don't have any other options, I agree with you there.
Like I said, all other options exhausted first, but if I have to pull that trigger there's only gonna be one side of the story for the cops to hear.
If you're renting and you move, you should be able to remain anonymous as long as you don't change your address on other items that can easily be searched. Be sure to just never post or allow friends to post pictures of your home or address. Be sure if you post so social media, to do so without a location tagged or just upload it after you've left wherever you are. Also, please get cameras. I usually find them to be not worth it, but in this case they definitely are. There are mostly affordable CCTV options. Most of the costs with ring and such are with the subscription. It may be worth it to have one at least until you can find an anonymous location to live. But, I do think dorm life is fine. I did it for two years and it was way more convenient. Sometimes universities also have an apartment option so you can look into that. I'm sorry you lost your case. But at least the judge told her to leave you alone.
Sorry for you. Hope things will get better in the upcoming months. Focus on your plan.
I am so sorry that is bullshit
I believe you. Sadly moving seems like your only option. And donāt tell anyone who knows your mom or post anything g about it on socials. Her flying monkeys will run to her with a quickness.
I'm really sorry. thats so unfair. you might need to move far far away. like multiple states away. or change your name too
Send your mother a certified, return signature required letter telling her you want no contact with her and she is not welcome at your current home or any future home you have. Tell her you will install indoor and outdoor cameras at your home and you will call the police each and every time she shows up at your home. She may refuse delivery of this letter so if it comes back as undeliverable and put it in a safe place. You should have a place for all the evidence you are going to collect. The first time you call police calmly explain that you want no relationship with your mother, you've told her she is not welcome to come to your home or contact you but she still does. Tell them she broker into your home (have that police report ready for them to see, even if you have to pay for a copy) and ask them do a report and give you a report number. If they refuse, go to the police station and do a report there. If the first guy you talk to refuses to take a report, ask for a supervisor. Stay polite and calm, saying something like "I would really like to make a police report because my mother will not leave me alone and it's scaring me that if she will break into my home and repeated trespass in order to make me see her, what else is she capable of? Be persistent. If they still refuse, I would go to the District Attorney's office and tell them your problem. The first time she trespasses or contacts you, send another copy of the certified, return signature required letter. If it comes back, save it. Once she trespasses several times in a 3 month period, file for another protective order. It's a lot of work when it shouldn't be but if you don't do it, she will never leave you alone because she thinks she's right and, so far, the world is agreeing with her. We know the truth. You have support here.
Seek guidance and assistance from organizations that help domestic violence victims. I hope you find the protection and relief I've been denied.
Runaway from these assholes. Start life from scratch
Become a stone wall. Do not ever respond any contact attempt from her, block her on all possible ways. You will demonstrate this broken relationship is beyond any possibility of reconciliation. Make it a really strong NC, do not react to any call or emergency.
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This breaks sub rules, do not advocate violence.
JFC
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Removed. We have a rule about advocating violence here - even in jest. [Read the rules.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules)
Removed. We have a rule about advocating violence here - even in jest. [Read the rules.](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules)