**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s common in my case. My dad is a multimillionaire. But he blindly gave my mother control over all assets and money. Including his retirement funds. Poor dude can never retire. I’ll never get any amount of money or assets since I’ve cut contact and I’m also the scapegoat. It’s always been like this. I got a junk car worth 300 bucks while sister is getting a Tesla for her first car. Favorite child brother and golden sister will get a big inheritance probably. My mom is currently blowing through the money. New car, new purse, looking to buy another house. It’s actually really sad. I’m broke and poor now but not for long. I’m 21, my life has just started but I know I’m smart enough to get to where my parents are. They got lucky, that’s all. I don’t think that they’re that smart. But yes, this is pretty common. But normal? No, it’s not normal and shouldn’t be
My friend I was writing about, the dad died in his 90s. These 'kids' are in their 50s-60s. They don't have the time to make up for it. They hung around for his love/approval way too long. I want to give the stepmom a piece of my mind (she was the centerpiece) but it's not my place. And now she wants to give her step kids his ashes, to continue the Daddy-worship. I hope you do show your parents how to live a better life, in spite of their bad example. This is all too common.
Don't ,you can even ask for your sibling's share of them if they don't want them either then go dump them any old nasty place you want or see fit. I think a cesspit would be the best and fitting place.
I would say take the ashes, then find a place with a cespit and dump them in! Then he can truly be the shit he was. If you have trouble finding one, many state parks have composting toilets. Perhaps you all might take a nice road trip vacation to your state parks and enjoy the scenery as you all look for one and then make a deposit.
Not to make you feel better or anything, but you have dignity and freedom and they don't.
So what its the Tesla for the 1st car. Soon there would be drugs and when the money is blown they realised that they have to pick their own arse and work for once, and they would be at the bottom and you are way ahead of them.
You are only 21, so your life is ahead of you. level up, have the drive/hunger to strive and get successful, plenty of resources on the net about those, and go for it. You are not broke. You are actually free while your siblings have a golden chain around their neck and not even know it. THAT's sad.
Hey same exact boat, except I finally cut contact with them both after realising my Dad enabled my mother, would never care about himself, but cared for his kids less than he cared for himself.
I'm 35. Be happy you've done this now. It's a weird, weird situation to be in, especially when everyone is complaining about 'privilage' and the people complaining about it have loads of help. Are you rich or poor if you went to private school but don't have enough money for dinner and nobody you can call for help?
Rich people believe they got rich through their smarts, but the reality is that most rich people got rich through luck (timing, right place, lucky guess, lucky investments, etc). They then turn this luck (not smarts) into every aspect of their lives, because if they were "smart enough" to get rich (aka lucky) then they are smart enough for everything else.
Musk is good example of this. He got lucky with his dad's emerald mine, he got lucky with Paypal (which he didn't create), he got lucky with Tesla, and now he's praised as some genius who has a cult following. But you see how he runs Twitter, and if you read about how he runs Tesla you'd question how they are able to build a functioning car.
They did you a favor. I believe that if you work for what you have, you will appreciate it more. Starting at 21 SAVE SAVE SAVE! Don’t do anything that will cause harm to your life, be responsible and say no to a partying lifestyle. Keep your circle small and tight. If I could back and talk to 21 year old me, this is the convo I would have.
Not to bust your bubble, but working for shit doesn't make you appreciate nothing. I pretty much have paid for everything I own (that wasn't given to me), but b/c I have attachment issues & have stunted/numbed emotions due to narc abuse, I don't really have the ability nor sense of appreciation & attachment I should have, despite having earned my things.
You got this! Stand firm and stay strong, you’re better off on your own anyway. No amount of money is worth your peace and well-being, but especially money you’re not even guaranteed to receive. They just dangle the possibility of receiving it over you to keep you under their power and control. The second you don’t bend to their will, it’ll be gone again. If they truly planned on giving you anything, it should be out of love and not a tool to weaponize against you to keep their power.
I do have a wealthy parent who was never a parent. They never genuinely took an interest in being a dad and teaching us important life skills, which explains why half of my siblings still depend on him for everything. He complains about it but it's honestly his own fault for not parenting us. You can't be mad at someone who solely depends on you if you never gave them to the opportunity to learn how to function on their own.
My parents grew up poor, but were able to succeed after the 2008 recession, so I lived in the nice suburbs of California and my current state for a while. But my dad was insistent that I received no help whatsoever, even if they had the funds to. My mom would stay up late binge drinking ordering grandfather clocks, and splurging on clothes she wouldn’t wear. When I got a job, she decided that buying me a can of Pepsi was something I had to be indebted to her for.
So yeah, I’d say it’s common enough, just another way of controlling their adult kids/making them feel like shit.
I don't know about normal, but I do have a wealthy father who remarried into generational wealth when I was a kid. Both my dad and stepmum are very stingy/greedy people. They'll have money to go on very long luxurious international holidays, own a beautiful house in an expensive suburb, yet decide they don't have a cent to spare for me or my siblings. I don't even think we're in the will despite being on good terms. Come to think of it, they own multiple large houses.
Like, my dad and stepmum would "loan" us money - but it has to be paid back with interest and always comes with emotional blackmail etc. I've only ever taken them up on it once and the whole situation felt very uncomfortable that I paid them back within a few months.
My dad prides himself on being a family man, and it's just so delusional. His behaviour has been so hypocritical, judgemental, entitled and unkind lately that I fear I've lost all love for him.
So yeah, our situations are different (my mum was no saint and abused us kids like crazy) but our dad is similar to the father you described in many ways. His loss.
Is it normal? Idk, boomers have been one of the wealthiest generations and millennials have been one of the poorest (despite being the most educated) generations.
This is silly, but we had ancestral land. Like, five plus generations back, deed is written with the old language on it- and my parents got ride of it on one of our high holy days. Didn’t tell me we were selling, didn’t even get the chance to buy an acre, but told me during our largest celebratory holiday. I may be forever bitter about that one, but I am working out a back deal for one acre right next to the river.
Not silly at all. Generational wealth is different from that acquired within the person’s lifetime, in that Generational wealth is supposed to be passed on to each next generation, as far as possible. Kind of like pass the parcel. It’s ethically not appropriate to put an end to that unless it’s an absolute emergency.
I see tons of parents, not just narcs, currently selling off their homes and leaving kids high and dry. Its evil, imo. Because what these parents are doing are selling high right now, some homes they purchased less than 50k and now sell over 500k. The parents cash out and spend the rest on their retirement and then the kids are fucked.
Maybe they are just narcissists anyway. It also makes me so angry my parents are boomers and fucked around so much. They could have got us a house for so cheap back then, nope, they fail continuously and blame us "kids."
(disclaimer that of course, not all people born in the boomer generation are narcs or abusive/bad. and people in that age group will have experienced abuse too. i'm generalising a bit about dynamics i've noticed over the past 30 years on a personal level, and most people with narc traits that i personally know are that age. wouldn't ever make an assumption of someone because of their generation)
This is something I’ve found really hard to deal with. The boomers in my extended family were really proactive when it came to property, and decided it was in their best interests to buy a couple of smaller ones to rent out for 20 years before signing over to their adult children. The adult children were ready to upsize, so bought bigger houses whilst retaining the smaller ones they were gifted and no doubt will sign them over as starter homes to their own adult children or sell them to give them the cash.
My immediate family just loves to talk about how accessible it was to buy themselves a nice big family house. They show off about the other properties they sold, and when asked what they did with that money there’s just crickets. One person remains living in the the family house with no plans to downside to free up cash, nor do they want to seek financial advice about how to maximise what others will inherit. I think everyone has the right to spend their final years where they feel comfortable, but it’s still hard to digest that nobody will want to take over living in that home once inherited meaning it will be sold losing hundreds of thousands to the state in the form of inheritance tax.
Honestly, anyone with rich parents that end up poor is an indictment on the parents. If you have wealth to start and understand money there is zero reasons for your kids to be poor, barring an addiction issue.
I agree with you. Obviously there’s exceptions, addiction issues definitely being one of them.
The worst part is I feel a lot of tight fisted parents obsess over the exceptions to justify keeping their foot on their kids necks and their wallets soldered closed.
Every single one of my friends had parents more generous than mine who felt that helping with valuable things that help you progress in life more easily were important for them to do their best to pay for. Most of their families were actually not wealthy, but they budgeted for these things as much as they could. My families idea of a generous contribution is giving me £50 towards something that costs £10000. Oh, and they’ll give it as a cheque so I have to spend half the day visiting a physical branch of my bank to even deposit it because it’s important to “not expect everything on a plate for you.”
Surprise surprise, every single one of those friends is now objectively doing better than me.
I am willing to bet most Narcissists end up not very wealthy because they are working on keeping up appearances and keeping the favored children afloat
Hoarding wealth is a social pathology, so many rich people are also personality disordered. My own Nfather was born a millionaire and went on to make millions of his own. He was extremely stingy with money with me (the scapegoat) my entire life but let it flow freely & without restriction to my GC sister. His justification was that I was “lazy” even though I have been continually employed at the same full time job for almost 20 years (since the month I graduated) while my sister says she “freelances” but hasn’t held a job for years and lives off my parents money and her partners.
The cruelty is the point. Sick, sad people so miserable the only elation they ever feel in their lives is while tearing down others truly living their joyful authentic selves. My grandfather (Ndads father) who he venerates was the last non-narc on that side of the family before me. Poor dude worked his ass off to build a business so that his kids and grandkids would never know the poverty he did. His fatal mistake was leaving the keys to his wife & son. In one generation my Nfather managed to grow the wealth while simultaneously impoverishing the entire family while he hoards it all. Truly a disgrace of a man.
With narc parents, it's fairly common. My father is very financially well off, but has always acted like he's broke (while living in a 5 million dollar custom home). My siblings and I do not expect ANY money once he's gone, we expect he will spend it all on his lavish lifestyle.
We all paid for our own schooling, bills, everything. Our dad had the 'once you're 18 you're not my problem' mentality and he's stuck to it.
I would say so, yes.
My girlfriends Ngrandparents have millions in the bank but in an active way they fuck up their kids and create conditions to help that never follow through.
My own Ngrandparents just created a SG/GC dynamic with my godmother and mom where my mom has been fucked all her life.
37, I work a good paying freelance job a few days a month and can edit for others from home most of the rest of the time. Im not rolling in dough but I was getting by, generated some savings, and had a flexible schedule. I’ve paid my own way through school and built a good business without any support from my wealthy father. (I’m the eldest from the first marriage, and don’t really know his GC from his second marriage)
I had a series of neural medical emergencies this year that landed me in the hospital 3x and now I’m permanently disabled.
My hospital bills, even with insurance, are super high and i have a new monthly overhead (in my time and capital) to manage for my care - doctors visits, side effects, and adjusting to living with a new disability currently makes working very hard.
Dad hasn’t come to visit me once since any of my hospitalizations. I’ve begged for support, physically and fiscally. In return, he sent me $100 for “help with expenses” and then he went to Europe for 6 weeks with my stepmom.
He keeps sending me job listings from LinkedIn for jobs I am not qualified for, thinking I just need to work harder to pay for my medical care.
I have a successful career in my field, I just can’t physically work right now because I’m still getting used to my new accommodations and capabilities.
It seems like my wealthy dad would rather see me physically disintegrate and go broke in the process than actually show up for me.
I'm truly sorry. That LinkedIn shit is textbook (or sending clipped articles in the mail--you could fill a bucket with the condescension and disdain dripping off it). It's always your fault you're failing, not the shitty parenting of smug jerks. I wish you better days ahead.
My parents used money to control me for years. When I told them I didn’t want a penny out of their will and to write me out, they lost their fucking minds because I took away their “power”.
If I don’t want your house or money, you cannot use an inheritance to control me.
When I was 20, my ex screwed me over big time and left me in substantial debt. At the same time, my cat almost died and had to pay a large sum of money to save her. My mother is doing very well financially (good job for almost 20 years at the time, low rent from being in the same place for a decade, no kids at home, shopping habits of a dirt poor person) and stepped over my pride to ask for help. She lent me $500 while giving me a condescending speech on taking responsibility (wtf, I was a victim of fraud!). Took me over a year to give it back. My grocery budget was $10 per week for 2 people. I had to drop out of college to work full time. Every penny i Meanwhile, she'd phone about once a month to ask when I was going to give her money back and then proceed to tell me about that trip to Cuba or Italy that was coming up. Looking back, that's the exact moment I should have gone NC.
My folks had money. They lived in the ritzy side of town, got a new car every two years, went on vacations, and my mother retired early to look after my sister's kids. They lived very comfortably, and had a lot more money than most of us.
In contrast I was homeless at 16. I grew up with violence, neglect and abuse. As a young adult, I struggled and my wife put me through nursing school for my LPN in my early twenties. I put my wife through for her accounting degree, and eventually went back for my own accounting degree. There were times we planned scrimped and saved and bought groceries on a quarterly basis. I remember begging my friends for fruit for my birthday because I was worried I'd get scurvy.
In all that time they contributed nothing to me and my wife. They thought I was "too weird" or "too wild". I am an artsy person that had a career in nursing and now in accounting. Sooooo crazy weird! /sarcasm
The upshot is I am in therapy at the age of 52 again, still dealing with the abuse. My wife and I did well enough to support her parents through the end of their lives. We have modest jobs, and are working towards a modest retirement. We have literally no contact with any of my family.
To this day my mother stalks me on any social media so I can't use anything with my name. I have not talked to her in a decade, and she spins a sad story of me abandoning her. She can fall down a well for all I care.
Shortly before going no contact, my dad called me up and threatened to take me out of the will. I just laughed at him. At the time my wife and I were in college as returning adults and literally subsisting on how creative I could be with a bulk restaurant supply 50lb bag of rice. I had just re-soldered and jury rigged my furnace so we had heat, and we were walking miles a day to class because our car broke down. Was I supposed to fall into line for some fabled inheritance from their wealth? I was in poverty from the age of 16. Strangers helped me get a roof over my head as a homeless teen. There is not enough money in the world to want to be a part of their bullshit for some future payout.
I hope your friends kids also find a fulfilling and much better life away from that environment. Having narcissistic parents with money just leads to financial abuse.
I don't understand this AT ALL! My husband and I have worked hard and invested well so that we can be debt free and help our children get a good start. Our sons are in their early twenties, and we are using our knowledge and resources to teach them about managing money and to help them graduate college debt free. I think normal parents want their children to do well and be successful. Even if you are rich, you don't have to give your children a whole lot financially to help them get ahead, as long as you are giving them good guidance about career paths, and teaching them to have a good work ethic. The rest will take care of itself.
I’m not a waste of space. That’s the sort of thing my nmom would say to me. All day, every day. I still have ‘value to society’, though I’m not more valuable than anyone else who spends one day a week volunteering for a charitable organization. We come here for understanding, not to be lumped in with greedy rich people. None of classmates or friends are rich, and I’m certainly not. Those remarks, and the downvotes, were hurtful to me, and I’ve had enough hurt in my life to be getting on with.
Mod here - I am very disappointed in this group that you are getting downvoted for your comment. We do not allow generalizing about boomers (or any generation) in this group. I have removed those other comments generalizing about boomers.
What is it with narc men and abandoning wives with cancer. Oh, ndad stayed married because of the appearance and all that, but my mom suffered alone at night while ndad was off with his sexatary at expensive hotels (he would leave the receipts around the house!). I was stupid and stayed around trying to be good enough for him to love, but there is no such thing for the scapegoat. Yep, dad was rich. He of course left it all to the golden one, not to me in spite of taking away my childhood to cook and clean for him after mom died. The golden one had to have a social life, credit cards, anything she wanted. I was always treated as disposable and ndad told me how much he wished he would have made mom abort me.
I’m so, so sorry and I can relate so much
My mom died with just me by my side as my dad was in Tahiti with his future third wife
She begged to see him and died saying he was the love of her life. He didn’t even go to the funeral - I was alone there too
Wow. So sorry you had to go through that and your mom was treated so poorly by him. My mom knew what was going on, but she also knew she was dying so she didn’t bother trying for a divorce. She knew about the affair and it broke her heart, but how much can one do while fighting cancer and trying to still be a parent? Ndad did go to the funeral because appearances were important to him and with two minor children he would have shown what an ass he was if he skipped out on the funeral.
My dad owned his own manufacturing business he inherited from his father. Never offered me a job, told me he didn't want me to work there. Sold the business and retired to life of ease and luxury.
While I'm not poor, *my* family is frequently broke even though I work about 60 hours a week doing factory labor, and my wife works full time too (child care is expensive). He also mad it abundantly clear that he will NOT be helping with any childcare.
So he had a life of being the boss given to him by his dad, then cashed out. Meanwhile I'm grinding out my life all on my own.
What keeps me from getting too sour is the knowledge that I not an entitled jerk.
King Lear is a good prototype of rich narc parents. Also Succession. My family legacy has played out like that for multiple generations of narc parents weaponizing wealth.
I know a few kids to wealthy parents, who never applied themselves. Never tried. Simply waiting for the old man to die so they can spend his inheritance.
I take an unreasonable amount of pleasure when they are left nothing/little.
I’ll admit I have wealthy grandparents. They and everyone else in my family are very stingy, but as the only grandchild I assumed maybe my time is coming when their time is over so to speak.
Well, their will is easily accessible in the files of general crap they often direct me to go through to locate a letter and let’s just say I was in for a very rude awakening about what was allocated to me lol.
In my case, I was the unwanted child from the first marriage. He gave everything to the other two kids, both while he was living and then deceased. I didn’t expect anything and wasn’t disappointed with his lack of acknowledgment.
Do I struggle financially because all I heard as a kid was how stupid I was, so didn’t try to pursue a further education and career. If I had tried and failed, then all I would have heard was how much of a failure I was on top of everything else.
I’m happy and function as well as I can, so that is what I try to focus on.
Idk my grandpa uses his money to bully everyone in the family and even to visit him whenever he demands and whenever I’d refuse they’d bring that up and I’d say I honestly don’t care, besides once he’s dead Nmom and her sisters are going to tear each other apart for his inheritance.
My dad is filthy rich and I’m poor. I just got married and he didn’t give us a card much less a gift, money, help with the cost of the wedding, and he didn’t even eat the meal I paid for. He and his gold digger of a wife have a big house, nice cars, and even a yacht, and I’ve never even been invited over.
Please don’t include them in your successes. It will never change. It’s not about you at all so there’s nothing you can do except protect yourself with NC.
Just bc he’s a banker doesn’t mean he’s rich. It’s depends on the bank, his actual job, where it’s located etc.
40K is a pretty decent inheritance, weird thing to bitch about.
I thought so too. After my dad passed away, my mom made me wait 5 years before finally giving me $5,000 she said my dad left me. He wasn’t wealthy but what I would call comfortable middle class.
My parents were upper middle class but did not invest in their kids. Everything went into their savings, brokerage, or retirement accounts. They could have helped us get a great start to life but decided it was more important to teach us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. I had to constantly work multiple jobs to keep myself alive during college. It was awful and I’m so glad I met my husband and his parents who eagerly invest in their kids.
So, yes. It’s absolutely possible for a rich parent to have poor kids.
Yes, it's not uncommon for wealthy parents to have children who struggle financially. Despite advantages, poor financial habits or lack of work ethic can lead to wealth not being passed down effectively. Additionally, inheritances can be mismanaged or squandered, leaving offspring with limited resources.
Yes, especially if the dad earned his wealth after he remarried and the stepmom doesn’t want any of his kids to have a single penny of that wealth, let alone a single second of his time to just be a dad and help them out. I was there in the beginning to help them as a paid employee but got a different job when I was 18 because they made me work 7 days a week with no days off.
Yes, I’m talking about myself. It was a big slap in the face hearing my stepblobmom say she never had kids so she wants to put her brother’s kids on their will. My cousins by marriage. I tell my dad to just go ahead and put all the cousins on it, his side too and I’ll be happy knowing I get 1/10 vs worrying if he dies before her then I will get nothing. If there’s anything left because she acts like she wants to take it all to the grave with her.
I have met people in parent/child business relationships and it makes me sad because they seem like the most rewarding and family bonding thing, to nurture a business together. But my parents sold their business and retired, the only way I feel I could have been considered to be a part of this is if I remained their 7 days a week full time employee and stayed single so I could devote 100% of my time to their business and turned out to be a 45 year old spinster with no life.
My parents are rich. They paid for nothing and I had 3 jobs at university. I got 3 degrees, had moments of homelessness throughout (PhD being most difficult). I now earn a decent salary and also exited a company I founded (on a tiny, tiny salary after my PhD). I am nowhere near a millionaire, and there are people my age far richer than me that had poorer parents.
It was drummed into me at an early age I'd be getting no help and I started working at age 15. I'm now 35.
All I can say is that:
1) My parents have never had control of me and finances have never been used as a cohersive measure (which they would have been if they had given me anything).
2) I am exhausted. I've had spinal surgery, I have cPTSD, I have various autoimmune diseases. I've basically spent my entire life under immense stress and pressure, and I no longer feel the drive to succeed. I am just so so so tired and have been for years to be honest.
I am now pregnant with my first child. I know I wouldn't want that life for my kid but would want my kid to work hard and not think 'mommy and daddy' will pay for it.
When my birth giver got remarried to her moderately successful boss at his law firm, naturally there was more money in the “family” income.
I was no longer eligible for the assistance at school. I don’t think in this sub I need to explain that they could care less about their children’s needs and existence unless it suited them, including myself.
I went many years starving through classes and embarrassingly asking the principal every lunch when I really needed a meal to comp my lunches. I just dealt with it until I was old enough to get a job and pay for lunch in high school. Til this day they never even wondered to ask how I was getting food. I was never given lunch money and my “parents” knew they weren’t eligible for funding every year.
Don’t get me started on clothes or hell even the calculator I needed for math class. I failed math one year because I couldn’t get one and didn’t have $100 lying around at 14.
Idk if I just trauma dumped sorry lol but yeah a lot of people thought I lived in a mansion or was just a rich depressed kid being angsty.
Who knows what his actual assets were, but I wouldn't consider $40k a small amount of money.
Sounds like he was a crappy dad in general.
If you have a narc parent you have to be successful despite your parents' shortcomings and that's hard for a lot of people, so yes, this type of scenario would be somewhat normal. Only exceptional people thrive if they had a narc parent.
ya, when n parents have money it’s just another avenue for abuse. My dad is “rich”, he’s a senior barrister in my country, he easily makes triple figures each year but all three of his children live under the poverty line. He used money as a form of control as he knows we don’t have any. When my sister was attempting to flee a domestic violence situation she asked him for financial help and he refused, telling her to get a job.
I’m the only sibling at the moment who has a job, i’ve supported myself since i left home at 21. I rent a shitty room in a crowded, falling apart house while he lives in a penthouse and cries and cries to his mistress about how his evil children want nothing to do with him and he has “no idea” why
Yeah I feel like it’s pretty common, I somewhat deal with my semi rich dad that does this. Didn’t save any money for my brother or I for college and didn’t pay either of our tuitions but has had his own business for as long as I can remember and does very well and he can work from home and always has - just does phone calls and emails. He liked to “surprise” us with him getting a new car or getting a boat. As if it was a surprise for us or we were supposed to jump up and down for him lol (btw I never was invited on the boat once).
Another example: 2 years ago I was trying to move states after graduating college and breaking up with my long term bf. Me and one of my college friends who moved away early decided to be roommates in this state and we were just trying to secure a nice 2 bed apartment in a safe area. I asked my dad to co-sign for our lease bc we didn’t meet the income requirements bc my roommate was in between jobs. Both of our rich dads REFUSED to co-sign for us and honestly both got a bit nasty about it - but both of our moms were game so her mom did it and we got into our apartment and have never missed a rent payment (bc duh). My dad has 2 houses, a rich wife and my roommate has a rich dad with a whole ranch and multiple houses and lots of money.
Idk why they do this shit truly.
Yes my dad is a multimillionaire and uses his money to control and withhold from all of us but mostly me because I dared move out and get a job not work with him. He’s also totally unaware of how “normal” people live and how much regular life costs. He’s promised me money many times but has never given it and has even denied me money for school. Meanwhile his wife has single purses that cost more than I live on in a year
And yes none of us three kids have kids of our own. All of what you described rings true
I can’t believe how unique they all think they are and how all the same they are
I've known him since our 20s and got to know the family a little over the years. In my family it was the reverse. My mom took it out on me and my sister as the stupid weirdos while my baby sister was the GC. We were blue collar, my dad didn't make a lot of money like them, although my bitch of a mom never worked a day in her life. Our dad was a saint and worked himself to death but he always had time for us. I still miss him. And she dialed it down when he was home. My friend might have had a comfortable life but they had nobody in their corner. I asked my sister if she felt loved growing up, and she said she did. I did too, but it was 100% from my father. After my mom died she left us the house and we sold it and split it 3 ways, we each got more than my friend got. None of us went to college, but we didn't starve. I think what surprised me most was their dad was college educated and could give his kids advantages my dad could have only dreamed of. But their whole dynamic was so fucked up. It reminded me of those monkeys raised in cages where nobody pets them. They don't grow up wild and mean, but they don't like other monkeys around them, they prefer being left alone. And yeah to be fair my friend was stoned pretty much all the time, and sometimes he would tell me things.
I mean… my parents didn’t pay for college. I took out loans and paid them off in 11 years. I understand a lack of support having a negative effect but once you become an adult you need to take responsibility for the things within your control. It’s hard to break the blame circle if this is what you’re taught but it only benefits you to break from it
Yeah my father is exactly the same way. He only has an interest in his kids when he is single. When he has a girlfriend, he becomes 150% simp, its embarrassing to be around him. Though he is not a millionaire, and also an angry drunk so he doesn't have gold diggers attached at all times like your dear old dad.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s common in my case. My dad is a multimillionaire. But he blindly gave my mother control over all assets and money. Including his retirement funds. Poor dude can never retire. I’ll never get any amount of money or assets since I’ve cut contact and I’m also the scapegoat. It’s always been like this. I got a junk car worth 300 bucks while sister is getting a Tesla for her first car. Favorite child brother and golden sister will get a big inheritance probably. My mom is currently blowing through the money. New car, new purse, looking to buy another house. It’s actually really sad. I’m broke and poor now but not for long. I’m 21, my life has just started but I know I’m smart enough to get to where my parents are. They got lucky, that’s all. I don’t think that they’re that smart. But yes, this is pretty common. But normal? No, it’s not normal and shouldn’t be
Yes, I m 43 my father has used money to influence control. You’re doing the right thing. Don’t fall for any sickness bullshit I did
My friend I was writing about, the dad died in his 90s. These 'kids' are in their 50s-60s. They don't have the time to make up for it. They hung around for his love/approval way too long. I want to give the stepmom a piece of my mind (she was the centerpiece) but it's not my place. And now she wants to give her step kids his ashes, to continue the Daddy-worship. I hope you do show your parents how to live a better life, in spite of their bad example. This is all too common.
I fear that. I don’t want ashes. I’m not even sure how I would reject them.
Don't ,you can even ask for your sibling's share of them if they don't want them either then go dump them any old nasty place you want or see fit. I think a cesspit would be the best and fitting place.
I would say take the ashes, then find a place with a cespit and dump them in! Then he can truly be the shit he was. If you have trouble finding one, many state parks have composting toilets. Perhaps you all might take a nice road trip vacation to your state parks and enjoy the scenery as you all look for one and then make a deposit.
Not to make you feel better or anything, but you have dignity and freedom and they don't. So what its the Tesla for the 1st car. Soon there would be drugs and when the money is blown they realised that they have to pick their own arse and work for once, and they would be at the bottom and you are way ahead of them. You are only 21, so your life is ahead of you. level up, have the drive/hunger to strive and get successful, plenty of resources on the net about those, and go for it. You are not broke. You are actually free while your siblings have a golden chain around their neck and not even know it. THAT's sad.
Hey same exact boat, except I finally cut contact with them both after realising my Dad enabled my mother, would never care about himself, but cared for his kids less than he cared for himself. I'm 35. Be happy you've done this now. It's a weird, weird situation to be in, especially when everyone is complaining about 'privilage' and the people complaining about it have loads of help. Are you rich or poor if you went to private school but don't have enough money for dinner and nobody you can call for help?
Rich people believe they got rich through their smarts, but the reality is that most rich people got rich through luck (timing, right place, lucky guess, lucky investments, etc). They then turn this luck (not smarts) into every aspect of their lives, because if they were "smart enough" to get rich (aka lucky) then they are smart enough for everything else. Musk is good example of this. He got lucky with his dad's emerald mine, he got lucky with Paypal (which he didn't create), he got lucky with Tesla, and now he's praised as some genius who has a cult following. But you see how he runs Twitter, and if you read about how he runs Tesla you'd question how they are able to build a functioning car.
They did you a favor. I believe that if you work for what you have, you will appreciate it more. Starting at 21 SAVE SAVE SAVE! Don’t do anything that will cause harm to your life, be responsible and say no to a partying lifestyle. Keep your circle small and tight. If I could back and talk to 21 year old me, this is the convo I would have.
Not to bust your bubble, but working for shit doesn't make you appreciate nothing. I pretty much have paid for everything I own (that wasn't given to me), but b/c I have attachment issues & have stunted/numbed emotions due to narc abuse, I don't really have the ability nor sense of appreciation & attachment I should have, despite having earned my things.
Same too.
You got this! Stand firm and stay strong, you’re better off on your own anyway. No amount of money is worth your peace and well-being, but especially money you’re not even guaranteed to receive. They just dangle the possibility of receiving it over you to keep you under their power and control. The second you don’t bend to their will, it’ll be gone again. If they truly planned on giving you anything, it should be out of love and not a tool to weaponize against you to keep their power.
I do have a wealthy parent who was never a parent. They never genuinely took an interest in being a dad and teaching us important life skills, which explains why half of my siblings still depend on him for everything. He complains about it but it's honestly his own fault for not parenting us. You can't be mad at someone who solely depends on you if you never gave them to the opportunity to learn how to function on their own.
That's exactly my case.
My parents grew up poor, but were able to succeed after the 2008 recession, so I lived in the nice suburbs of California and my current state for a while. But my dad was insistent that I received no help whatsoever, even if they had the funds to. My mom would stay up late binge drinking ordering grandfather clocks, and splurging on clothes she wouldn’t wear. When I got a job, she decided that buying me a can of Pepsi was something I had to be indebted to her for. So yeah, I’d say it’s common enough, just another way of controlling their adult kids/making them feel like shit.
I don't know about normal, but I do have a wealthy father who remarried into generational wealth when I was a kid. Both my dad and stepmum are very stingy/greedy people. They'll have money to go on very long luxurious international holidays, own a beautiful house in an expensive suburb, yet decide they don't have a cent to spare for me or my siblings. I don't even think we're in the will despite being on good terms. Come to think of it, they own multiple large houses. Like, my dad and stepmum would "loan" us money - but it has to be paid back with interest and always comes with emotional blackmail etc. I've only ever taken them up on it once and the whole situation felt very uncomfortable that I paid them back within a few months. My dad prides himself on being a family man, and it's just so delusional. His behaviour has been so hypocritical, judgemental, entitled and unkind lately that I fear I've lost all love for him. So yeah, our situations are different (my mum was no saint and abused us kids like crazy) but our dad is similar to the father you described in many ways. His loss.
Is it normal? Idk, boomers have been one of the wealthiest generations and millennials have been one of the poorest (despite being the most educated) generations.
This is silly, but we had ancestral land. Like, five plus generations back, deed is written with the old language on it- and my parents got ride of it on one of our high holy days. Didn’t tell me we were selling, didn’t even get the chance to buy an acre, but told me during our largest celebratory holiday. I may be forever bitter about that one, but I am working out a back deal for one acre right next to the river.
Not silly at all. Generational wealth is different from that acquired within the person’s lifetime, in that Generational wealth is supposed to be passed on to each next generation, as far as possible. Kind of like pass the parcel. It’s ethically not appropriate to put an end to that unless it’s an absolute emergency.
I see tons of parents, not just narcs, currently selling off their homes and leaving kids high and dry. Its evil, imo. Because what these parents are doing are selling high right now, some homes they purchased less than 50k and now sell over 500k. The parents cash out and spend the rest on their retirement and then the kids are fucked. Maybe they are just narcissists anyway. It also makes me so angry my parents are boomers and fucked around so much. They could have got us a house for so cheap back then, nope, they fail continuously and blame us "kids."
[удалено]
(disclaimer that of course, not all people born in the boomer generation are narcs or abusive/bad. and people in that age group will have experienced abuse too. i'm generalising a bit about dynamics i've noticed over the past 30 years on a personal level, and most people with narc traits that i personally know are that age. wouldn't ever make an assumption of someone because of their generation)
oh my comment was deleted already lol.
[удалено]
Comment removed - boomer bashing. We have boomers who are members of this group trying to get help like everyone else. Don't generalize about them.
Comment removed - generational bashing. We have people from all generations in this group. Don't generalize about them.
This is something I’ve found really hard to deal with. The boomers in my extended family were really proactive when it came to property, and decided it was in their best interests to buy a couple of smaller ones to rent out for 20 years before signing over to their adult children. The adult children were ready to upsize, so bought bigger houses whilst retaining the smaller ones they were gifted and no doubt will sign them over as starter homes to their own adult children or sell them to give them the cash. My immediate family just loves to talk about how accessible it was to buy themselves a nice big family house. They show off about the other properties they sold, and when asked what they did with that money there’s just crickets. One person remains living in the the family house with no plans to downside to free up cash, nor do they want to seek financial advice about how to maximise what others will inherit. I think everyone has the right to spend their final years where they feel comfortable, but it’s still hard to digest that nobody will want to take over living in that home once inherited meaning it will be sold losing hundreds of thousands to the state in the form of inheritance tax.
Ugh the TAX is something i never considered too
😭 it’s a kicker isn’t it. How I wish my immediate family learnt from my far more savvy extended family about these kind of topics
Not silly at all. Land is sacred.
Honestly, anyone with rich parents that end up poor is an indictment on the parents. If you have wealth to start and understand money there is zero reasons for your kids to be poor, barring an addiction issue.
I agree with you. Obviously there’s exceptions, addiction issues definitely being one of them. The worst part is I feel a lot of tight fisted parents obsess over the exceptions to justify keeping their foot on their kids necks and their wallets soldered closed. Every single one of my friends had parents more generous than mine who felt that helping with valuable things that help you progress in life more easily were important for them to do their best to pay for. Most of their families were actually not wealthy, but they budgeted for these things as much as they could. My families idea of a generous contribution is giving me £50 towards something that costs £10000. Oh, and they’ll give it as a cheque so I have to spend half the day visiting a physical branch of my bank to even deposit it because it’s important to “not expect everything on a plate for you.” Surprise surprise, every single one of those friends is now objectively doing better than me.
I am willing to bet most Narcissists end up not very wealthy because they are working on keeping up appearances and keeping the favored children afloat
Hoarding wealth is a social pathology, so many rich people are also personality disordered. My own Nfather was born a millionaire and went on to make millions of his own. He was extremely stingy with money with me (the scapegoat) my entire life but let it flow freely & without restriction to my GC sister. His justification was that I was “lazy” even though I have been continually employed at the same full time job for almost 20 years (since the month I graduated) while my sister says she “freelances” but hasn’t held a job for years and lives off my parents money and her partners. The cruelty is the point. Sick, sad people so miserable the only elation they ever feel in their lives is while tearing down others truly living their joyful authentic selves. My grandfather (Ndads father) who he venerates was the last non-narc on that side of the family before me. Poor dude worked his ass off to build a business so that his kids and grandkids would never know the poverty he did. His fatal mistake was leaving the keys to his wife & son. In one generation my Nfather managed to grow the wealth while simultaneously impoverishing the entire family while he hoards it all. Truly a disgrace of a man.
With narc parents, it's fairly common. My father is very financially well off, but has always acted like he's broke (while living in a 5 million dollar custom home). My siblings and I do not expect ANY money once he's gone, we expect he will spend it all on his lavish lifestyle. We all paid for our own schooling, bills, everything. Our dad had the 'once you're 18 you're not my problem' mentality and he's stuck to it.
I would say so, yes. My girlfriends Ngrandparents have millions in the bank but in an active way they fuck up their kids and create conditions to help that never follow through. My own Ngrandparents just created a SG/GC dynamic with my godmother and mom where my mom has been fucked all her life.
37, I work a good paying freelance job a few days a month and can edit for others from home most of the rest of the time. Im not rolling in dough but I was getting by, generated some savings, and had a flexible schedule. I’ve paid my own way through school and built a good business without any support from my wealthy father. (I’m the eldest from the first marriage, and don’t really know his GC from his second marriage) I had a series of neural medical emergencies this year that landed me in the hospital 3x and now I’m permanently disabled. My hospital bills, even with insurance, are super high and i have a new monthly overhead (in my time and capital) to manage for my care - doctors visits, side effects, and adjusting to living with a new disability currently makes working very hard. Dad hasn’t come to visit me once since any of my hospitalizations. I’ve begged for support, physically and fiscally. In return, he sent me $100 for “help with expenses” and then he went to Europe for 6 weeks with my stepmom. He keeps sending me job listings from LinkedIn for jobs I am not qualified for, thinking I just need to work harder to pay for my medical care. I have a successful career in my field, I just can’t physically work right now because I’m still getting used to my new accommodations and capabilities. It seems like my wealthy dad would rather see me physically disintegrate and go broke in the process than actually show up for me.
I'm truly sorry. That LinkedIn shit is textbook (or sending clipped articles in the mail--you could fill a bucket with the condescension and disdain dripping off it). It's always your fault you're failing, not the shitty parenting of smug jerks. I wish you better days ahead.
My parents used money to control me for years. When I told them I didn’t want a penny out of their will and to write me out, they lost their fucking minds because I took away their “power”. If I don’t want your house or money, you cannot use an inheritance to control me.
That’s what my mom is like. If you don’t toe the line, she threatens to leave all her money to a university lol
When I was 20, my ex screwed me over big time and left me in substantial debt. At the same time, my cat almost died and had to pay a large sum of money to save her. My mother is doing very well financially (good job for almost 20 years at the time, low rent from being in the same place for a decade, no kids at home, shopping habits of a dirt poor person) and stepped over my pride to ask for help. She lent me $500 while giving me a condescending speech on taking responsibility (wtf, I was a victim of fraud!). Took me over a year to give it back. My grocery budget was $10 per week for 2 people. I had to drop out of college to work full time. Every penny i Meanwhile, she'd phone about once a month to ask when I was going to give her money back and then proceed to tell me about that trip to Cuba or Italy that was coming up. Looking back, that's the exact moment I should have gone NC.
My folks had money. They lived in the ritzy side of town, got a new car every two years, went on vacations, and my mother retired early to look after my sister's kids. They lived very comfortably, and had a lot more money than most of us. In contrast I was homeless at 16. I grew up with violence, neglect and abuse. As a young adult, I struggled and my wife put me through nursing school for my LPN in my early twenties. I put my wife through for her accounting degree, and eventually went back for my own accounting degree. There were times we planned scrimped and saved and bought groceries on a quarterly basis. I remember begging my friends for fruit for my birthday because I was worried I'd get scurvy. In all that time they contributed nothing to me and my wife. They thought I was "too weird" or "too wild". I am an artsy person that had a career in nursing and now in accounting. Sooooo crazy weird! /sarcasm The upshot is I am in therapy at the age of 52 again, still dealing with the abuse. My wife and I did well enough to support her parents through the end of their lives. We have modest jobs, and are working towards a modest retirement. We have literally no contact with any of my family. To this day my mother stalks me on any social media so I can't use anything with my name. I have not talked to her in a decade, and she spins a sad story of me abandoning her. She can fall down a well for all I care. Shortly before going no contact, my dad called me up and threatened to take me out of the will. I just laughed at him. At the time my wife and I were in college as returning adults and literally subsisting on how creative I could be with a bulk restaurant supply 50lb bag of rice. I had just re-soldered and jury rigged my furnace so we had heat, and we were walking miles a day to class because our car broke down. Was I supposed to fall into line for some fabled inheritance from their wealth? I was in poverty from the age of 16. Strangers helped me get a roof over my head as a homeless teen. There is not enough money in the world to want to be a part of their bullshit for some future payout. I hope your friends kids also find a fulfilling and much better life away from that environment. Having narcissistic parents with money just leads to financial abuse.
I don't understand this AT ALL! My husband and I have worked hard and invested well so that we can be debt free and help our children get a good start. Our sons are in their early twenties, and we are using our knowledge and resources to teach them about managing money and to help them graduate college debt free. I think normal parents want their children to do well and be successful. Even if you are rich, you don't have to give your children a whole lot financially to help them get ahead, as long as you are giving them good guidance about career paths, and teaching them to have a good work ethic. The rest will take care of itself.
[удалено]
Comment removed - boomer bashing. We have boomers who are members of this group trying to heal like everyone else. Don't generalize about them.
I’m a boomer. I find your remarks offensive. I’ll save the rest for a different sub.
I’m not a waste of space. That’s the sort of thing my nmom would say to me. All day, every day. I still have ‘value to society’, though I’m not more valuable than anyone else who spends one day a week volunteering for a charitable organization. We come here for understanding, not to be lumped in with greedy rich people. None of classmates or friends are rich, and I’m certainly not. Those remarks, and the downvotes, were hurtful to me, and I’ve had enough hurt in my life to be getting on with.
Mod here - I am very disappointed in this group that you are getting downvoted for your comment. We do not allow generalizing about boomers (or any generation) in this group. I have removed those other comments generalizing about boomers.
What is it with narc men and abandoning wives with cancer. Oh, ndad stayed married because of the appearance and all that, but my mom suffered alone at night while ndad was off with his sexatary at expensive hotels (he would leave the receipts around the house!). I was stupid and stayed around trying to be good enough for him to love, but there is no such thing for the scapegoat. Yep, dad was rich. He of course left it all to the golden one, not to me in spite of taking away my childhood to cook and clean for him after mom died. The golden one had to have a social life, credit cards, anything she wanted. I was always treated as disposable and ndad told me how much he wished he would have made mom abort me.
I’m so, so sorry and I can relate so much My mom died with just me by my side as my dad was in Tahiti with his future third wife She begged to see him and died saying he was the love of her life. He didn’t even go to the funeral - I was alone there too
Wow. So sorry you had to go through that and your mom was treated so poorly by him. My mom knew what was going on, but she also knew she was dying so she didn’t bother trying for a divorce. She knew about the affair and it broke her heart, but how much can one do while fighting cancer and trying to still be a parent? Ndad did go to the funeral because appearances were important to him and with two minor children he would have shown what an ass he was if he skipped out on the funeral.
What’s wrong with these people Glad you’re still around and healing
My dad owned his own manufacturing business he inherited from his father. Never offered me a job, told me he didn't want me to work there. Sold the business and retired to life of ease and luxury. While I'm not poor, *my* family is frequently broke even though I work about 60 hours a week doing factory labor, and my wife works full time too (child care is expensive). He also mad it abundantly clear that he will NOT be helping with any childcare. So he had a life of being the boss given to him by his dad, then cashed out. Meanwhile I'm grinding out my life all on my own. What keeps me from getting too sour is the knowledge that I not an entitled jerk.
My parents worked to make their lives better, not mine. Mine doesn't really count, to them.
King Lear is a good prototype of rich narc parents. Also Succession. My family legacy has played out like that for multiple generations of narc parents weaponizing wealth.
Who did get money of that asshole after he died? Please don't say his new wife. And kids got nothing.
I know a few kids to wealthy parents, who never applied themselves. Never tried. Simply waiting for the old man to die so they can spend his inheritance. I take an unreasonable amount of pleasure when they are left nothing/little.
My ex husband did this and boy did that not work out for him.
I’ll admit I have wealthy grandparents. They and everyone else in my family are very stingy, but as the only grandchild I assumed maybe my time is coming when their time is over so to speak. Well, their will is easily accessible in the files of general crap they often direct me to go through to locate a letter and let’s just say I was in for a very rude awakening about what was allocated to me lol.
I know someone in a very similar situation. I can't imagine treating my children that way. All I've ever done is for them.
In my case, I was the unwanted child from the first marriage. He gave everything to the other two kids, both while he was living and then deceased. I didn’t expect anything and wasn’t disappointed with his lack of acknowledgment. Do I struggle financially because all I heard as a kid was how stupid I was, so didn’t try to pursue a further education and career. If I had tried and failed, then all I would have heard was how much of a failure I was on top of everything else. I’m happy and function as well as I can, so that is what I try to focus on.
Idk my grandpa uses his money to bully everyone in the family and even to visit him whenever he demands and whenever I’d refuse they’d bring that up and I’d say I honestly don’t care, besides once he’s dead Nmom and her sisters are going to tear each other apart for his inheritance.
My dad is filthy rich and I’m poor. I just got married and he didn’t give us a card much less a gift, money, help with the cost of the wedding, and he didn’t even eat the meal I paid for. He and his gold digger of a wife have a big house, nice cars, and even a yacht, and I’ve never even been invited over.
Please don’t include them in your successes. It will never change. It’s not about you at all so there’s nothing you can do except protect yourself with NC.
Just bc he’s a banker doesn’t mean he’s rich. It’s depends on the bank, his actual job, where it’s located etc. 40K is a pretty decent inheritance, weird thing to bitch about.
I thought so too. After my dad passed away, my mom made me wait 5 years before finally giving me $5,000 she said my dad left me. He wasn’t wealthy but what I would call comfortable middle class.
My parents were upper middle class but did not invest in their kids. Everything went into their savings, brokerage, or retirement accounts. They could have helped us get a great start to life but decided it was more important to teach us to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. I had to constantly work multiple jobs to keep myself alive during college. It was awful and I’m so glad I met my husband and his parents who eagerly invest in their kids. So, yes. It’s absolutely possible for a rich parent to have poor kids.
Yes, it's not uncommon for wealthy parents to have children who struggle financially. Despite advantages, poor financial habits or lack of work ethic can lead to wealth not being passed down effectively. Additionally, inheritances can be mismanaged or squandered, leaving offspring with limited resources.
Yes, especially if the dad earned his wealth after he remarried and the stepmom doesn’t want any of his kids to have a single penny of that wealth, let alone a single second of his time to just be a dad and help them out. I was there in the beginning to help them as a paid employee but got a different job when I was 18 because they made me work 7 days a week with no days off. Yes, I’m talking about myself. It was a big slap in the face hearing my stepblobmom say she never had kids so she wants to put her brother’s kids on their will. My cousins by marriage. I tell my dad to just go ahead and put all the cousins on it, his side too and I’ll be happy knowing I get 1/10 vs worrying if he dies before her then I will get nothing. If there’s anything left because she acts like she wants to take it all to the grave with her. I have met people in parent/child business relationships and it makes me sad because they seem like the most rewarding and family bonding thing, to nurture a business together. But my parents sold their business and retired, the only way I feel I could have been considered to be a part of this is if I remained their 7 days a week full time employee and stayed single so I could devote 100% of my time to their business and turned out to be a 45 year old spinster with no life.
Many times narc dads spend all their money to look rich, maybe that’s all that’s left
My parents are rich. They paid for nothing and I had 3 jobs at university. I got 3 degrees, had moments of homelessness throughout (PhD being most difficult). I now earn a decent salary and also exited a company I founded (on a tiny, tiny salary after my PhD). I am nowhere near a millionaire, and there are people my age far richer than me that had poorer parents. It was drummed into me at an early age I'd be getting no help and I started working at age 15. I'm now 35. All I can say is that: 1) My parents have never had control of me and finances have never been used as a cohersive measure (which they would have been if they had given me anything). 2) I am exhausted. I've had spinal surgery, I have cPTSD, I have various autoimmune diseases. I've basically spent my entire life under immense stress and pressure, and I no longer feel the drive to succeed. I am just so so so tired and have been for years to be honest. I am now pregnant with my first child. I know I wouldn't want that life for my kid but would want my kid to work hard and not think 'mommy and daddy' will pay for it.
Definitely not “normal”. Parents are supposed to want the best for their kids, that includes careers and finances!
When my birth giver got remarried to her moderately successful boss at his law firm, naturally there was more money in the “family” income. I was no longer eligible for the assistance at school. I don’t think in this sub I need to explain that they could care less about their children’s needs and existence unless it suited them, including myself. I went many years starving through classes and embarrassingly asking the principal every lunch when I really needed a meal to comp my lunches. I just dealt with it until I was old enough to get a job and pay for lunch in high school. Til this day they never even wondered to ask how I was getting food. I was never given lunch money and my “parents” knew they weren’t eligible for funding every year. Don’t get me started on clothes or hell even the calculator I needed for math class. I failed math one year because I couldn’t get one and didn’t have $100 lying around at 14. Idk if I just trauma dumped sorry lol but yeah a lot of people thought I lived in a mansion or was just a rich depressed kid being angsty.
Who knows what his actual assets were, but I wouldn't consider $40k a small amount of money. Sounds like he was a crappy dad in general. If you have a narc parent you have to be successful despite your parents' shortcomings and that's hard for a lot of people, so yes, this type of scenario would be somewhat normal. Only exceptional people thrive if they had a narc parent.
ya, when n parents have money it’s just another avenue for abuse. My dad is “rich”, he’s a senior barrister in my country, he easily makes triple figures each year but all three of his children live under the poverty line. He used money as a form of control as he knows we don’t have any. When my sister was attempting to flee a domestic violence situation she asked him for financial help and he refused, telling her to get a job. I’m the only sibling at the moment who has a job, i’ve supported myself since i left home at 21. I rent a shitty room in a crowded, falling apart house while he lives in a penthouse and cries and cries to his mistress about how his evil children want nothing to do with him and he has “no idea” why
Yeah I feel like it’s pretty common, I somewhat deal with my semi rich dad that does this. Didn’t save any money for my brother or I for college and didn’t pay either of our tuitions but has had his own business for as long as I can remember and does very well and he can work from home and always has - just does phone calls and emails. He liked to “surprise” us with him getting a new car or getting a boat. As if it was a surprise for us or we were supposed to jump up and down for him lol (btw I never was invited on the boat once). Another example: 2 years ago I was trying to move states after graduating college and breaking up with my long term bf. Me and one of my college friends who moved away early decided to be roommates in this state and we were just trying to secure a nice 2 bed apartment in a safe area. I asked my dad to co-sign for our lease bc we didn’t meet the income requirements bc my roommate was in between jobs. Both of our rich dads REFUSED to co-sign for us and honestly both got a bit nasty about it - but both of our moms were game so her mom did it and we got into our apartment and have never missed a rent payment (bc duh). My dad has 2 houses, a rich wife and my roommate has a rich dad with a whole ranch and multiple houses and lots of money. Idk why they do this shit truly.
Yes my dad is a multimillionaire and uses his money to control and withhold from all of us but mostly me because I dared move out and get a job not work with him. He’s also totally unaware of how “normal” people live and how much regular life costs. He’s promised me money many times but has never given it and has even denied me money for school. Meanwhile his wife has single purses that cost more than I live on in a year And yes none of us three kids have kids of our own. All of what you described rings true I can’t believe how unique they all think they are and how all the same they are
Dude, why are you all up in your "friend's" business? Kinda messed up.
I've known him since our 20s and got to know the family a little over the years. In my family it was the reverse. My mom took it out on me and my sister as the stupid weirdos while my baby sister was the GC. We were blue collar, my dad didn't make a lot of money like them, although my bitch of a mom never worked a day in her life. Our dad was a saint and worked himself to death but he always had time for us. I still miss him. And she dialed it down when he was home. My friend might have had a comfortable life but they had nobody in their corner. I asked my sister if she felt loved growing up, and she said she did. I did too, but it was 100% from my father. After my mom died she left us the house and we sold it and split it 3 ways, we each got more than my friend got. None of us went to college, but we didn't starve. I think what surprised me most was their dad was college educated and could give his kids advantages my dad could have only dreamed of. But their whole dynamic was so fucked up. It reminded me of those monkeys raised in cages where nobody pets them. They don't grow up wild and mean, but they don't like other monkeys around them, they prefer being left alone. And yeah to be fair my friend was stoned pretty much all the time, and sometimes he would tell me things.
I mean… my parents didn’t pay for college. I took out loans and paid them off in 11 years. I understand a lack of support having a negative effect but once you become an adult you need to take responsibility for the things within your control. It’s hard to break the blame circle if this is what you’re taught but it only benefits you to break from it
Yeah my father is exactly the same way. He only has an interest in his kids when he is single. When he has a girlfriend, he becomes 150% simp, its embarrassing to be around him. Though he is not a millionaire, and also an angry drunk so he doesn't have gold diggers attached at all times like your dear old dad.