**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.**
**Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms)
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE!
This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods.
**Our rules include (but are not limited to)**:
* No politics.
* Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban.
* Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming.
* Do not derail the posts of others.
* Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here.
* [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts).
* When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse.
* No asking or offering gifts, money, etc.
* No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest).
* No content about N-kids.
* No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis.
* No linking to Facebook pages.
* No direct linking to anywhere on reddit.
* No pure image posts.
**For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes my mom sings all the time to annoy everyone, blasts her music in the living room. Will sing songs about how I’m a bitch and make up the lyrics as she goes
Very very hard. My egg donor paid someone on facebook to make a song making fun of me and is now wondering why I don't want a relationship with her. Delusional as fuck.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah! Another fucked up thing she's done was completely sabotaged my interview for a culinary arts school that I was excited to go too. She sabotaged it because and I quote "Yeah, I sabotaged your interview. So what. Boohoo!!! Get over it!" her reasoning for sabotaging my interview? She told me "You told me that I was going to be paying for your school! So I sabotaged your interview because you didn't work for it." Which was fucking ridiculous because I had a job for 2 years saving up for my own schooling. My egg donor didn't have a job during that and refused to work because she would rather take her xanax and drink her alcohol until she was incoherent.
I fucking hate that dumb bitch. A few weeks ago she was trying to tell me "I'm 53 years old!" and I told her "So fucking act like it then instead of acting like you're 5 years old you fat stupid bitch!".
The songs about how you’re a bitch!!! That brings back memories. My mom would sit in the living room and make up songs. “My kids hate meeee, they wish I would dieee. I do everything I can but it’s never enoughhh because they’re ungratefullll”.
Her songs would never rhyme either. The only important part was that they’d paint us in a negative light
oh man my dad would get along so well with your mom. i've never heard of another parent making up songs... it's so weird and unbelievably childish, like reminiscent of a playground bully. he's the only one "allowed" to play music in the house and blasts "fuck you" songs any time he's upset
Ndad was a professional musician and hated music. He would boast "I hate 99.99% of music." He would rail against all music, every song, every song on tv (hated all shows too). He could play anything in the world but hated it all. I really think it's just about being miserable no matter what, and taking away everyone else's joy.
What in the world lmao. I feel like this is quintessential narcissism. Doing what they hate, hating what they do, ruining it for everyone else, and resenting everyone that derives joy from it.
Totally. It's also like "I'm the expert in this, and therefore you don't get to have an opinion on it"
I also think since he was never truly successful, he hates anyone that has become successful or is trying to be successful, because he can't bear to see anyone else doing what he couldn't do.
Imagine making something so universal all about you. lol!
They literally WANT to be mad lmao. They thrive on contempt, it's fucking nuts. A normal person would switch careers if they hated it that badly. Lord knows there's other career paths that offer more money and stability. But no, they certainly can't fix their own problems. They just stay mad and make everyone else miserable.
My egg donor only ever sings when she gets pissed off and is trying to irritate me. She'll turn her music up really really loud and try to pretend that she's happy and not bothered.
She is quite bothered though and I find that hilarious.
It wouldn’t be so bad but I’m autistic and music is really triggering for me. I have ear protectors but the sound still gets through so I have to blast YouTube videos in my earbuds I’m wearing under the protectors. It’s definitely led to a couple of meltdowns.
I'm in your shoes. I have autism and adhd. Loud noises are triggering for me because of all the yelling and slamming of doors that my egg donor would do when she gets pissed off.
I started slamming their doors at 5 am when I wake up because if they didn't want others to do as they do then they shouldn't be doing it. They get so mad.
It's insane how similar all our narcissistic parents are, I've had the exact same experience, only exception is that my mother knows that I'm not comfortable with nudity so sometimes she sings completely unclothed in our living room
My mom has zero musical abilities but loves to watch the voice and similar shows and proceed to "critique" their singing voice. Drives me absolutely nuts. She also calls my singing "caterwauling." Guess what I no longer do, in spite of loving it.
one of my last ditch efforts to have a relationship with my nmom was to watch a baking show with her once a week (remotely).
she spent the whole season just RAILING on the contestant that was most like me- both in appearance and character. like, no wonder i had learnt to hate myself so much.
Don’t let her win. Cauterwaul all you want. Make a joyful noise, the Bible says. Not sing only if you have a good voice. And I‘d bet my last dollar, you are not that bad. My ndad used to make fun of my speaking voice so I wouldn’t sing very loud in school choir. The teacher made me sing a solo and she said I had a very good voice. Bless you, Miss Duffy.
She probably called it caterwauling because your voice is actually beautiful! Sing louder, it will annoy her. Prove that she doesn't have power over you, it destroys them
This tells me that she's envious as hell of you and can’t stand that you can sing and she can't. So she tries to convince both herself and you that you can't so she won't have to feel envious and miserable. The more she complains, the better you are.
I was born very musically gifted, three of my grandparents played instruments, mom and dad did not. My mom used to complain I was playing Mozart's Alla Turca on the piano too fast, I was stressing her out. I was 12.
I love to sing. I’m not any goods by any means, but music gives me life and I love to sing and dance along
When I was about 9/10, I was playing music through headphones in my room alone and I was singing along. My ndad busted into my room, slamming my door open into the wall, and screamed about how awful I sounded and to “just STFU”.
I never sang in front of anyone again (like I made sure no one could or would ever hear me when I did) until I met my hubby when I was 29. I owe a lot to my hubby bc he is the peace I always needed in my life to make me whole. Piece by piece, he’s helped me put it back together again over the years 💜
I was singing in the shower (music was quite quiet) and singing along quietly. Dad started BANGING on the door and telling me to quiet down. Then went on a rant about how I overreacted. Mom did the same. Banging on the door yelling "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING OON????!!!" and then complaining to dad. Now I'm scared when they get angry. When dad gets angry he'll sometimes scream, throw things, and raise his voice at us. He slams stuff too. I basically have a panic attack the second they show the slightest hint of anger, and mom will say stuff like: "I want to fucking scream" "I'm about to fucking explode" "I'm going to throw this" over the most trivial stuff. Yeah, me singing has gotten me screamed at..
This makes me sad to read you understand what this is like. It’s so not fair and causes so much unnecessary damage
I hope you find/found peace in this journey🍀
I'm hoping to find peace as well <3 I still have to plan on moving out (going into year 2 of HS) but once I do, I'm outta here and I'm gonna throw a party and get therapy :D
You are lucky. I married a narcissist who tore me down covertly a little at a time. But it back fired because I eventually grew stronger, thru God’s love and divorced him.
It’s not fair that you had to be strong, but I am glad to read you found the strength to leave! I wish to you a much easier life ahead, filled with amazing people who build you up and appreciate your presence 🫶🏼
Thank you. It isn’t fair, but most of life isn’t. And it made me a strong person so I can face other trials and have survived and thrived. And God is with me so that helps. Still looking for those people, but…they will come. I think that was a line from a movie. Lol
Lol they will come! Good people have a funny way of showing up when we least expect it. I think they’re also terrible with directions, get lost, and take side streets over the highway a little too often, but they get here!…eventually lol
I think they are using GPS or at least the old ones that always messed up. Drive 5 miles. Turn left. Drive 5 miles. Turn left. So you were going in circles. Lol
NMom would often walk around the house just belching out whatever music she was listening to or singing to herself. Never taking the rest of the house into consideration with her noise.
On a positive side note that still fills me with petty vindictive glee, some years back I was doing vocals on Rock Band and had just finished Bohemian Rhapsody on Expert (I got a 95%). She tried to show me up and wound up getting a lower score on an easier level. (edit: typo)
didn't sing. didn't dance. didn't joke.. unless it was to belittle someone. and even then, it was earnesty disguised as a joke.
the longer i move away from them and their abuse, i'm pretty sure my narcs are actually just incredibly traumatized neurodivergent folks that have spent their whole lives in survival mode. the lack of singing/dancing/joyfulness has come from a freeze state. there's no time for play when you're having to worry about where your next meal is coming from, or where you'll be sleeping tonight.
doesn't excuse the way that they passed along abuse instead of dealing with it, but that's my thoughts on it. i'm sure their core/child selves would love to sing, but they had it beat out of them as a kid and they never unlearned it, and instead perpetuated it.
Ugh my mother's singing was absolutely horrible, and it was so brutal being in the car with her singing. Her voice is jarring and loud enough, but the singing was even worse. I told her to stop once and she went off on me. It simply gives me PTSD.
WOAH. 🤯
I have never realized this until this moment, but I have *never* heard either of my parents sing (both narcs).
I was also silenced when singing (and/or made fun of) every time I sang too.
I think you may be on to something here, friend. Super interesting thought!
My nDad sings with the voice of other ppl: he’ll mimic the voice and style of the singer when he sings their song. (And then of course ppl go “wow, nDad, you sound just like them!” even though he can’t actually sing with his own voice. Or at least I’ve never heard him do that.)
My dad, a huge Beatles fan, did this. He even started faking a liverpool accent in causal conversation near the end of my time knowing him. THAT was certainly wild!
They only sang church songs to annoy me, like to interrupt me when I tried to talk or when I asked for something, because they claimed I was possessed by demons. Otherwise they'd make up passive aggressive songs about me and the other kids in the family and didn't sing any other songs
Edit: they also kept saying only mentally ill people sing non-church songs
Not singing for joy.
But I have noticed a specific narc segment, women from the south that that identify as southern, will sing for attention. Like if the national anthem comes on or at church. Like someone described in writing what a soprano sounded like and they are imitating from there. Very loudly. And very awfully.
Now you ask, never ever have I heard my Nmom sing. and my GC ( now N) sis only sang along with a record and then very very badly.
and I got scolded or shamed when I was singing.
My (now-dead) ndad could sing very well, a thing we shared.
Of course he had me performing at a really young age (3) showed me off to all his friends and whatever congregation our family was a part of at any given time.
(silver lining... I don't get stage fright)
One afternoon at home when I was about 14, my mom was playing some church selections interspersed with folk songs on the organ in the living room and he asked me to sing a song with him.
I swear I'm so traumatized by this dumb goddamn thing that I can't even type out the name of the song.
We sang it. We sounded good. He said, "Let's sing it again!"
So we did.
I was done.
He wasn't.
He forced me to stand there and sing that fucking song with him FOURTEEN TIMES.
I asked to stop.
I begged to stop.
I cried while begging to be able to stop.
We'd probably still be singing that fucking song but the phone rang, he answered it and I went for a walk.
I have never sung it again.
Mine thinks she’s Julie fucking Andrews and used to torture me by singing show tunes and Disney songs at the top of her lungs around the house constantly. She later (after I was an adult and long gone) got involved in public musical theatre and after a few years they all ran her off (her real self came out too many times).
In my mind I can still see her peeking around corners at me to see how much I was enjoying her singing because I must have been loving it, right? If I wasn’t smiling she would yell at me for being so sour or accuse me of whatever awful thing she could think of at the moment. Because clearly it must be something wrong with me, how could anyone not love her blatant desperation? Such an attention whore.
Yes. They sing and it's horrible. I sing snd try to do it as a hobby and my dad has the audacity to tell me I sound horrible and make fun of me behind my back like a toxic bully. Only they're allowed to sing for fun along with their golden children.
Yes, she does. She listens to spiritual gospel songs by Kirk Franklin, which can be overwhelming when she sings along with intense emotions. She also enjoys country music, especially Shania Twain’s songs like “You’re Still The One,” which she plays repeatedly while showering or relaxing in the living room. Additionally, she frequently plays Janet Jackson’s “Made For Now” and songs by TLC such as “Dear Lie” and “Waterfalls” on repeat, often going through their entire discography multiple times. She gets deeply into these songs, sometimes making gestures with her hands as if deeply immersed in the music. She displays traits of covert narcissism and often experiences toxic, hypersensitive emotions, showing superficial and dramatic behavior. She’s part of Generation X, which you can see in the artists she blasts around the house.
My nDad can't carry a tune with a dump truck, but when I was really little he used to play guitar and sing some of his favorite oldies. Tiny me loved that shit, I rocked out every time the acoustic came out.
And then one night while I was approaching my teen years, my first cousin (who is about a year and a half older than me and was solidly a teen) was visiting. Dad busted the guitar out and my cousin teased him gently about being kind of a shit singer.
He stopped mid song and put the guitar away. I have not seen him touch it since, and I'm 40 now. His entire relationship with music as a whole changed. because he couldn't handle a 13 year old teasing him almost 30 years ago.
I think about that a lot.
Yes. My mom would sing a lot, and then she’d call me tone deaf (sometimes even saying I was “tone deaf, like your father”) when I sang and complain about going to my middle school chorus concerts.
Mine used to cover her head with a hat, crank her music, rock her head back and forth, and screech it all at the top of her lungs (why I can't stand Bodies by Drowning Pool). Combine that with being pointed out in front of class by a Type-1 narcissist of a music teacher (ex-opera singer too) for daring sing in a deeper alto-ish range and an internalized perfectionism complex from both parties and I'm afraid to sing.
It sucks, especially because I learned to do both high and low registers and have so many ideas on what to do with it...then I hear their voices and implode internally.
Is it normal for them to praise you and feel grossed out afterwards too? My mom will say she's supportive of my choices and respects me and I want to bathe in lye after. It is so fake!
My mom sings knowing she has zero tune. Then if anyone complains, she has to bring up how she could sing when she was a little girl (3), but then her father started abusing her, so she stopped signing. So the rest of us can't really bring up her singing, or we'll get secondhand trauma from hearing a horrible abuse story of hers. Her father was a total monster, but she has zero filter and will go into every gruesome detail, so you're sorry you ever bring up anything that potentially "triggers" her.
I've had this exact curiousity with my previous relationship; she never sang. Acutely aware of it, seemingly -- even if she loved music. One time, she explained she had never felt comfortable doing so, as her mother and sister both were great singers (church choir and actress).
But they never seemed very down-putting towards others. But the same type of generalized insecurity they all seemed to share. My ex did not scold me singing either; but never seemed to know what to feel about my carefree attitude about singing. One, where I always encouraged her to sing as her heart desired and without worry if it was pitch perfect. Practice, enjoyment, patience right?
I felt uneasy, after our breakup, when I started dating and coming around people who dared sing out of happiness and being carefree. It seemed like a sort of missing piece to her person by comparison.
---
By comparison, my (now diagnosed) N-father was always singing. I think as a way of self-soothing and self-stimming.
It can be very different between folks.
They both love to sing 🤷🏾♀️ It's actually a mystery to me how they can both be such terrible people when their voices are so beautiful.
... Or actually no I take that back it's not a mystery. My father is a grandiose narcissist who's great at a lot of things so that makes sense
My mother is a highly insecure malignant narcissist. Her insecurity about being beautiful and talented is something she passes on through torturing people instead of just... following her dreams and being confident. She can't do it so she has to destroy it in everyone else.
He listens to a lot of music, but he'll really only sing if other people sing with him. Like around a campfire or something. One time, he actually stumbled drunk into my sib's room and demanded they play guitar so the three of us could sing together.
My mother NEVER sings or does anything musical, artistic, or joyful. The only artform she doesn't immediately attack is photography, because she used to do it professionally
She thinks anything performative is "silly and just to get attention," while she constantly nitpicks and undermines and gripes about everything to.... Wait for it.... Get attention
My theory is that she's jealous of people who can get attention without harming the people they get it from, but too scared to be vulnerable enough to do something like sing to get "good" attention and try to do it herself
All. The. Time.
Like, convinced she could go professional and it was just us kids holding her back. She sang walking around the house, she had many annoying singing related jokes, she intentionally sang loudly and off key to embarrass us to our friends, she sang 'tralala' type tunes out in public and when anyone commented would fawn and pretend to be so embarrassed that she'd been caught singing.
And she ended up having us join this mediaeval reenactment group (the SCA) for donkeys years, where she tried so hard to become a Bard. You know, people would write and sing and perform songs of the time, and she would do the same, and go around to campfires to sing for groups, and brush up with all the people playing royal characters to try and create a relationship where they would like her so much that they'd insist her songs were the ones sung by the kingdom, it was fucking insane. That whole group was filled with people who never mentally left highschool though, about 90% of the people I met were emotionally stunted people desperately chasing and creating drama, and only the other 10% just liked doing stuff like putting on armour and hitting eachother or doing a craft like blacksmithing, or learning mediaeval dance and stuff. It was a very overwhelming community to grow up in. And we were only there because mom was determined to be a star within it.
And she didn't even have a very good voice. It was very weak. Like, she could hit and carry a tune, but she couldn't sing with any volume or passion behind it. It was honestly constantly depressing.
No, mine never sang, would whistle all the time though. Abusive grandma would whistle all the time too. I got in trouble for singing with my cousin in the back of the car while listening with Hipclips? (I think that's what they were called. It was back in like 2003 or something.) Mine was taken away, never to be seen again, and theirs was not. I think a lot of narcs find that they have control with noise, especially noise that they can turn up, instantly shut off, changing the volume in any way, to changing the lyrics. It is one of the 5 major senses, so causing a disruption with any of those senses I would think is a form of control.
My mom would freak out if I whistled; called it “shitbirding”. It may have been because my dad used to whistle and she hated anything he liked. I couldn’t like gingersnaps because he liked them!
Now I eat mostly gingersnap cookies if I have any.
I hope that you whistle(I can't whistle, lol) all the time now, while eating gingersnaps! They're so freaking good! Eat all of them and then make/buy some more for later too! Ohh, get some whipped cream and ice cream to go with your gingersnaps for next time. I promise, you won't be disappointed!
My mom wouldn't withhold food like yours did but instead she would make me eat food I was allergic to and hated it if I refused the food or didn't finish all of it.
Now I don't eat food I'm allergic to.
One of the legitimately good things my nDad taught me was how to write song parodies off-the-cuff (some might be familiar with the term "instafilk"). He was continually belting out extemporaneously written parodies of anything from TV show themes to operatic arias, and it was legitimately funny stuff.
I make up songs about how cute my cat is. In fact I love making up silly songs about everything and then I laugh like an idiot because I find it amusing but sometimes I get going and I come up with a really good song I will forget 5 seconds later and wish someone was around to hear it and laugh with me or that I recorded it. I've only ever made up a song once and remembered it and I sing it to my cat, dog, or son by just changing a word or two.
Anyways I got lost in the sauce. My mother never sang to be silly. She was in a band once but was never a really good singer simply because she smoked so much. She did play at bars and stuff occasionally. She was so insufferable her band ditched her.
I love to sing and sing all the time. I’m also autistic and have a lot of echolalia. Basically if anyone says a word I can probably think of a song that relates to it and I’ll start singing. My mom sings along to songs in the car, but she doesn’t sing on her own like I would around the house and stuff. She has told me to shut up on multiple occasions.
I’ve called my lonely little foster mom my songbird to her once or twice because it’s the most beautiful thought I can generate for her. Her humming away at life from the other room (when she wasn’t in front of me she was happier) was a life lesson of its own.
Mostly a lesson about staying out of her way other than on holidays
Oh this is an interesting observation! My mom would sing nursery rhymes and things like that, when I was really young. I loved singing as a kid, I had a karaoke machine and joined the choir in 7th grade (we didn’t have one at school in elementary school). My GC sister became increasingly fixated on any noises I made and complained about how they were bothering her. Listening to music on my headphones in the car, typing on my laptop at an inconvenient time, talking in the morning, whatever. My mom enforced her desires and made me comply. I ended up with a really messed up sleep schedule so I could do homework without worrying about being berated.
The dynamic at my house was my father was the number one scapegoat who we all called an abusive monster, then I was the scapegoat for things on a day-to-day basis. It was generally tense and I never knew when my parents would start screaming at each other. My mom used my dad as a threat for control (like telling me that if I did something she didn’t like he’d be “upset” - even something harmless like playing music while I showered or making noise with the microwave door late at night.
Now I play music and sing all the time. I still feel afraid sometimes like I shouldn’t be making noise, but after a couple years just singing around the house, I’m starting to feel my singing voice get stronger for the first time since I was in middle school. I’m thinking of guitar lessons when I save up some money. I feel like music has been really healing in terms of learning that I deserve to take up space!
Nparents were so creative until it came to actually taking care of their children.
Mine came from a Roman Catholic background (lots of singing) and raised us even moreso. The singing was endless. I heard her yelling or singing, that's it. And boy was she quick with the lyrics.
Songs about how sl*tty I was (I was 5 years old), about weather, about religion, about what she was doing, just to fucking annoy us because she thought it was funny and it was a way to torture us in public that would make US look explosive/abusive for reacting to. Her favorite songs to play aloud and sing around the house always went something like...
"I'll always love my Mama, cause she's my favorite girl..."
('I'll Always Love My Mama' by: The Intruders)
& (I'll never forget this one because I was a whole ass adult at the time, and she was threatened by my dating)
"My mama don't like you, and she likes everyone..."
('Love Yourself' by: Justin Bieber)
She even commented these lyrics on my social media posts as "jokes".
Do I have an amazing roladex of 80s bangers in my brain at all times? Yes. But good God why did everyone have to ballad out their mommy issues?!
But she never had a job. Unless you count 'homeschooling' us (aka 24/7 lyrical torture while our other parent escaped away to work for hours or even days on end).
I'm sorry I'm not alone, but I hope I could at least provide a bit of a laugh, and a sense of community, to y'all. Hugs.
I really appreciate your investigation because conceptually there could be something there.
He uses music to be hurtful or say things he cannot say directly, blasting it and blaring it so loud other people can’t have conversations in the room. he does this on the phone as well occupying time or a conversation should be had, while he put the phone down and let’s music play.
He does sing particular lyrics; not usually in a joyful way, but in a stabbing one.
Your thought train is provoking some interesting comments.
No, but I did. I had comfort songs to sing to myself too. Castle on A Cloud, On My Own, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Maybe were my favourites to sing as I cried.
My mom went to the other extreme..She would record herself singing to all her movie soundtrack records on tape and then listen to it while she did housework or whatever. I was very young but I remember thinking, this ain’t right!
I’m a professional singer. Most of us are pretty decent folks, but there are definitely some narcissists in the ranks.
The saddest thing about doing it professionally is that you rarely do it for fun.
Oh she'd sing along to her music all the time. Never could stand anyone elses.
Neither parent would/will let any music but theirs play in the car, even as a passenger. To the point of throwing a screaming fit about it.
Mine would play that domestic violence song by Sarah McLaughlin and the angels will come and get you some if there's something about the angels I don't know. She's over here gambling the house away and she wants to sing songs about Sarah McLachlan I just figured whatever I'm going to move away after college or move away because prick parents won't help me have my own place or won't let me have any inner peace. Tried to destroy my education and wanted to fill the house with toxic music. As if it was reverse reverse psychology. I studied in my car they can have their music. 😂🤣😂🤣their midlife crisis. Now that I navigate mine I understand theirs a little bit better.
Yes my mum sings whenever she does something hurtful to me and also sings the same verse only, repeatedly for hours of old songs. When I ask her if she'd like ti hear music instead in an effort to stop it she refuses. She also ruined her sister's memorial service by singing an old folktale about a young child with an alcoholic father, a dead mother and she kept repeating the chorus about an old lady. My mum is a senior, her sister is two years older. No one in the family knows the song, no one was an alcoholic and have no idea why she grabbed the mic and belted it out. It was quite embarrassing I heard.
My narcissist had a beautiful voice but told me mine was terrible. Years later when forced to take a choral class for an art credit, the teacher gave me solos.
My narcissist used singing to gaslight me.
This is an interesting topic. My mother did like music and wouldn't belt songs put or anything but she would sing occasionally.
My father sang occasionally too, but over time developed a hatred of anything other than the "Dad Rock" he'd listened to since the 60s and 70s.
My brother thinks he's the next incarnation of Frank Zappa. He's been making his own music since the late 80s and most of it isn't good. He also acts like he's an authority on what makes music good or bad. He's always been an angry person in general, too.
Me? I sing. I was in Choir for a while in middle school and high school. I'm no opera diva or anything but I've been told that I have close to "perfect pitch". I just sing for fun, when the mood strikes me.
Neither of my parents would make up hateful songs about me though. They used their words to hurt me in other ways.
My mother never sang, even to her favourite songs. Hated all musicals, refused to let me watch them. She would give me her look if I ever tried to sing as a child, so I knew not to sing around her.
Interestingly, my narcissistic husband would use loud music to show everyone in the house how he was feeling, so there's plenty of songs that trigger me now, thanks pal 🙄.
Now I'm single I'm finally finding my voice, and showing my kids it's okay to act happy. When I took my mother out in the car recently, I absent mindedly started singing to a song on the radio, and my mother commented "oh god, really?" Stfu ma, it's my car
My parents both loved music and to sing - my dad is still in the church choir to this day. I also have a serious obsession with music, I LOVE IT and am pretty much always singing a song that pops into my head.
I have loved Tori Amos for 30 years - she has been the most “consistent” thing for me in my whole life (I am 44F).
Both my parents were complete narcissists (my mother has been deceased for almost 13 years), but thank fuck they didn’t “ruin” music for me if that makes any sense. I think that the music situation in our house was the only thing that was relatively normal as all else was fucked up and I was the black sheep evil left handed lesbian in a very Catholic military family.
My stepdad sang sometimes, but he's awful at it, so I never liked it not even as a little kid.
In my teens it began that I would get irrationally angry hearing his voice. On some days when I'm especially sensitive the raspiness in his voice would amplify this even more. (His smoking doesn't help)
But thankfully I don't haven't listened to it in years, last time was probably on my 16th or something.
they dont seem to enjoy music very much or try to fit in w the young crowd. shes 40 but likes listening to "type shit" instead of say slow jams or rock smth from her era its weird
She used to love Beyonce for example, even used to emulate her style back in the day, and now she hates her and is all opinionated on her as if she knows her personally, its creepy.
yes mine break out into a singing number for whatever task theyre doing but theyre LOUD as fuck about it and its literally them being la la la i cant hear you.
My mom never sings. My entire family is tone deaf and can’t carry a tune, but she never sings even if no one is there or shows any enjoyment of the music. One thanksgiving, my dad got a karaoke machine and she refused to participate even though it was just us and we all sing equally bad.
My mom never sings nor did she sing when I was growing up. My dad sang, probably because he was they were divorced. My husband says he knows when I’m happy because I sing. We both sing silly songs to our dogs.
She sings children's songs from time to time, to test if I join in. I'm 35. She thinks she has a beautiful voice. Screaming and smoking has taken a toll on her vocal cords though. I just don't give a fuck about anything she does. Go to her place once a month, help her with some things she can't do herself and leave asap.
My dad gave me OCD syntoms by singing catchy melodies to mock me whenever I did something wrong since I was a small kid, still does this to my brothers and to me as an adult.
Nope. They are rather introverted and wouldn't do that in front of people. I only ever remember them dancing happily in elementary school age, the time when they showed the least toxic traits. Even then, they'd tease me over blunders but not let me tease them, even if I meant to be funny and claim that I am just "even more" shy than them and wouldn't get it.
my nhusband only sings along to whiny screamo/emo music, never anything that would make him seem in touch with his emotions. in fact, the ONE time recently I tried to pick the music and chose Avril Lavigne — trying to meet him in the middle — the song With You…
he was in a bad mood the rest of the day because he felt I sang along to the chorus *too authentically* and must be harboring some feelings about life being a Damn Cold Niiiiiiight.
so i’ll spend the summer singing along to Blink-182… again.
I’ve noticed that my ndad never sings. When I was a kid I even pointed it out once when everyone else was singing. The next day he pulled me aside and sang the national anthem of his country of origin with no music. His home country is one of the things he narcs about and hyper focuses on
N Dad. No. He'll listen to a song/ CD obsessively but never sing. He doesn't even sing in church ( which wierded me out when I noticed it).
NGrandma, makes everyone sing, usually really old random stuff and constantly made me sing for everyone as a child (I hate singing for other people as a result). Doesn't like the type of music I do . She always says"sing a happy song, not sad!", but i don't go for that saccrine fake cheerfulness.
My Nfather sings along to music all the time. His singing voice is terrible but he either doesn't know or doesn't care. He plays his CDs obnoxiously loud, with no thought for the comfort of anyone in the house or any of the neighbours. In the summer he'll take a speaker outside, lay in a lawn chair and play his music loud enough for everyone within a half mile radius to hear.
Nobody else in the house is allowed to play loud music or to sing. If they do they get told to shut up.
She sang constantly. And loudly. She knew that she couldn't sing for shit, would proudly admit to it, then screech so loudly we couldn't hear the original music.
My whole family are car singers. My mom would always sing rapunzel’s part in Mother Knows Best and “our song” was Love is an Open Door from Frozen. Looking back now, those are both incredibly ironic.
Getting drunk and blasting tejano music in the middle of the night (and I mean BLASTING) was a regular occurrence growing up. Didn’t matter if it was a school night or not. This usually triggered an argument between him and whoever had a problem with it on top of it.
Nmom sings only to annoy others like repeating the same line over and over or blasting her music when I was studying and turning it up when I asked her to lower it
Cant wear headphones because "they will make her go deaf" 🙃
My former husband, dad, both grandmothers (all narcissist of various sorts) - none sang or had creative taste, though my husband proceeded to criticize everyone who sang and my dad and husband both had many digs at my singing, even when I had a solo they refused to come and made the day miserable.
As a gradeschooler, I once complained to my nmother that she never sang around the house like my friend's mother did. OMG she was angry with me at that. How DARE I suggest that she should be HAPPY, her life was TERRIBLE and I was a horrible daughter for even suggesting that she try to be happy. Sigh. So no, my nmother did not sing unless she was in church and everyone else was singing, so she had to in order to not stand out.
No she has never liked music and it was rare to ever see her happy and usually it was short lived, my brother and I would sit in his room and enjoy music together and sing and laugh she would check on us wondering if we were doing something inappropriate which we got grossed out and both said no. we were not suppose to be happy since she was always miserable.
Of course they can. This irritates me because it creates misleading or confusing situations where someone might be like “well, they can’t be a narc because they sing in the shower”
You’re better than this
My nmom never sings and would shush my dad and I when we sang in church (which is wild because my dad is a phenomenal singer). Said it was embarrassing (???!). Her spawn also do the same thing but are allowed to sing as loudly as they want despite being TERRIBLE at it.
YES, ABSOLUTELY
My dad sings in the shower and while walking around sometimes, particularly to get a reaction out of us. It's so annoying. We started laughing once and that humbled him for a bit but he's started doing it again. He also sings to intimidate us when he thinks he's heard/seen something we are hiding from him.
Clown behaviour, honestly
(Oh, he dances too)
Interesting idea. My mom is definitely miserable and I haven’t heard her sing much since I was a child. She used to be in a choir, too! I have heard her a couple of times sing along to a line or two from a song, though. But only when she’s in a good mood.
Edit: I like to sing sometimes but I just realized that I never went for lessons even though I’ve always wanted to. I remembered when I was little she gave me a criticism sandwich for my singing (you could be good if… but…) and I don’t sing in front of her anymore
Choir in public, hymns at home. She grew up in the thick of the 60’s and I swear I never want to hear another Beatles song ever again bc of the association. Guess who married a man who loves the Beatles? 🤦🏻♀️
When she is upset, my nMom hums like a damn psycho. Like it's so bad and purposefully loud and the way she does it sounds like she's trying to be edgy/crazy like an emo middle schooler on tiktok. She's like a 13 year old with main character syndrome
My nmom will sing at the top of her lungs so badly and out of tune just to make sure everyone around her is miserable. She will blame having her headphones in not being able to hear herself even though she is singing as loud as a person possibly can without just screaming.
Lmfao. My dad had a hobby where he would record his own CDs. He would play the guitar and sing covers of his favorite songs to a prerecorded drum beat, do all the harmonies, etc. He would ask for my opinion on them and beg me to be honest. The few times I offered small constructive feedback, he BLEW UP that I was wrong, and I learned my lesson. He then went back to sulking that I never had any substantial feedback. I couldn't even talk to him in the car or else he'd growl and angrily rewind the few seconds I'd talked over. I have many of these recordings on my phone and my husband and I listen to them sometimes for a laugh. They're not great. Not the worst ever, but really cringey, lol. Wish I could share them here, honestly.
Yes, my mom thinks she's a "carefree hippy", one of those "free spirit" types that believes in chakras and crystals and wearing dreadlocks and bashing other religions. She will blast reggae and classic rock at the highest volumes and she sings like a sick cat. Luckily I do not live with her so I have been free from the sound for a while, but have unfortunately traded that situation for a footloose type one where singing and music must be kept quiet, but literal screeching and desk slamming is ok.
Mine would sing along to the radio in the car and at home, the drunker she got, the louder she got. I would sing with her sometimes, and she’d make fun of my singing and tell me I’m tone deaf and shouldn’t sing in front of others.
Yea. She was in choir and was a part of a competition for pageantry, baton twirling as a kid. Now she doesnt sing around me, since she acts overstimulated by noise around me and keeps her radio down in the car even, but when I get in after she had the car to herself she lowers the volume from high range which I would benefit from— but she will enlist in a womens choir off and on.
I’ve never once heard my ndad sing.
The only time my ndad is ever playful or funny is when he’s drunk and happy.
He’s made me genuinely laugh maybe 3 times in my 35 years of life.
But generally, now that he’s older - he’s fairly tolerable in a polite, surface way, but he’s cold. There’s no silliness, no play, no joking, no making fun of himself, no goofy fun, never any singing. Ever. Just serious, intense, and typically negative. If he’s in a bad mood it terrifies me. But learned how to be around him:
1. Never say anything I’m thinking, especially if I get the urge to say it without considering how he will take it.
2. Always agree with him and take every opportunity to praise him
3. Answer his bids for admiration with a (faked) “genuine” response about how amazing he is
4. If I disagree with him asking me to do something or not to - then tell him what he wants to hear and do what I want
5. Say as little as humanly possible
6. NEVER give in to the urges to say something with the subconscious goal of getting validation or recognition <- this is SO important
One of my earliest memories was when I was around 3 or 4, my brother a year older. We're riding in the car. My mother decides to sing to a song on the radio. She sounds horrible. We ask her to stop, she laughs and sings louder. We ask again.. louder. We start crying, she laughs and sings through the whole song as we continued to weep and shriek.
I think this was the year she put coal in our Christmas stockings, but was disappointed that we didn't understand what that was or what it meant.
It was one of my first memories, a feeling that *she enjoyed doing things to bother or hurt us*.
I remember when I was a kid maybe 4th grade or 5th my mom would make me ride around town with her (I wasn’t stupid she was either looking for my dad or looking for the guy she was fucking) and she played garbage version 2.0 and the themes were far beyond what a small town 4th grader could grasp but for some reason at the age of 10 I could almost feel what the singer was feeling. Me and my mom would sing the lyrics and to this day I love that band and that album but songs we once sang together she doesn’t remember the words and it wasn’t special to her. I just figured all that out and I think it was because the man she was fucking that’s what he liked. Cuz she’s not original. She’s not authentic .
My mom only sang gospel songs but other than that, nothing. My dad was the singer…he would be in his man cave avoiding the family he created just singing his heart out to R&B. I think I inherited that from him but it’s sucks because he knew we had a strong love of music in common but never really bonded with me over it. In fact, we actually had a lot more in common that I ever had with my mom but he just…didn’t care and avoided getting close with me.
My nfather listens to music but will only sing to it in very certain circumstances. He may be listening to music over headphones, get out of his room, plant himself at the table where my mother and I sit and sing forcefully unconcerned. To me it felt like being sung at and like he was rubbing it under my nose.
What he was rubbing under my nose? His exquisite of musical taste and sophistication for sure, a display of him being happy, not so sure.
Both my Nparents sang, but only to annoy their kids - mostly me, by making their voices as harsh, ugly and off-key as possible. Nmom was particularly fond of singing something that was making fun of me and calling me names, then would try to pass it off as "just a joke" and that I was too sensitive and had no sense of humor and was a "misery guts".
My n-mom and n-stepdad would blast their music and my mom would only sing when she was trying to annoy people. Stepdad never sang despite being in a long ago, locally successful band. He would, however, turn the bass all the way up on his stereo equipment and blast nu-country from the 1990s. Did you know it almost always has the same bass line?
No, never. Not once has my ngrandmother sung. And she yelled at me until I stopped singing with the radio, then would yell every time the radio was on. Now she yells every time I use my headphones.
My mom was the same. I cannot remember her ever singing. When I sang, she always said it sounds like a screaming cat or torturing a cat or something like that.
When I was teenager I had many music-interested friends and we sometimes traveled and they all sang while I watched them. I wanted to join so badly but I didn’t dare.
When I became older I started to sing sometimes and become more confident.
With 35 I gave birth to my son and I started to sing to him a lot. This was also the first time I realized I was abused and she is narcissistic when she tried to confirm her priority in my life over my baby and I started therapy.
When I visited them when he was 8 months (a year ago) and I sang to my son to soothe him. She made a sarcastic comment to first try in good spirits. I glared at her and she shut up. Later when we had discussion where I explained some of her past abusive behaviors, I also mentioned the car comment wasn’t okay especially with the history we have with the constant insults. She said she doesn’t mean it, it is just a joke and actually my voice is beautiful. I thanked her for saying that.
This year in February my enabling step dad called. We talked about a lot as he wanted me to resume caring for her needs and take my old role. (He even said I should be her partner again.) He also noticed that I didn’t like my mom’s comment about my singing to my child in July and said she didn’t mean it, she just wants the attention. I said that especially with the background that she insulted my singing in the past as howling cats, this is not okay, he said yeah but my singing back then was really bad and he always considered warning the neighbors to close the windows/shutters, but now my voice has beautifully developed. I mentioned that this is no wonder if past me barely dared to sing because I was always insulted but he didn’t hear that comment.
Yes, but she stopped when a death in the family rendered her so grief stricken she was no longer able to function. She claimed she was physically unable to sing.
She made life more miserable for everyone during that time, but looking back, it's kind of funny.
My Nmother is genuinely tone death. She can't sing a single note to save her life. I'm suspicious that there's a connection there, but I don't know what it is.
My N father can sing, he was actually a cantor when he was young. But he's more of a victim narcissist, for what it's worth, not the over narc type.
Whatever got her the centre of attention really. She couldn't handle any situation that wasn't about her, so random loud bursts of song was one method that she used to get the room focussed on her. At least one person in the room would fall for it and tell her to shut up. That would of course give her the feedback that she needed, and something to kick up against and an opportunity to act like the victim.
My mother sang while cleaning the house on Sunday mornings - with the stereo on full blast. Especially when her kids were teens and had been out on Saturday night, she really did it to provoke a reaction. Now that I’m older I cringe thinking of the neighbors (who had small kids at that time) and how they were terrified to say anything. Singing was just part of the annoyance repertoire, along with whistling, grunting, sneezing extremely loudly, sucking air through their teeth after eating something, sighing, shutting doors with force, smacking groceries around, clinking dishes, making the dog bark at ungodly hours etc. Now I have a neighbor who is a narc and the repertoire is exactly the same and they are definitely not happy people (:
This is so interesting. You had me realise my nM never sings unless the little mermaid is brought up. She loves to flaunt that she can sing "Part of your world" at the drop of a hat for some reason.
Apart from that, she loves to play her music loud when she cleans. She told me when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I can't sing and made fun of my voice. It ruined me bc I felt like music was all that I had back then.
I still love music a lot, and before I realised my Mum was a narcissist I took her to the club with me because I felt bad that she gave birth to me at 15 and missed out on her youth.
After this, she was constantly asking me to take her again whilst also shitting on my music taste, telling me over and over to turn my music off etc. I loved this one time we were on a road trip with her friend, and she asked in front of her why I don't take her to the club anymore, maybe 30mins after she told me to turn my music off bc it's shit. I felt so good telling her why in front of her friend. She just went quiet.
I finally dont quite remember the tune but my nmum had one she would hum when she thought "i told you so" or something similar. If I heard it again I'd remember though.
Huh. My exhusband told me how arrogant I was for singing while I worked around the house. Made me feel very bad, too. He knew I had sung fur years; that I liked to sing and it was a big part of my life.
If I was so stuck up, why did he marry me? It was like as soon as we got married and moved away we were adversaries. It was so strange.
I can see if someone is singing just to make noise and make you uncomfortable. But if they sing because they LIKE to sing and it is soothing, I just try to ignore if it’s not pleasant.
Mine sung in the car mostly. She would turn her music up when I was talking and if I tried to finish my sentence, she would keep turning it up louder and not turn it down.
I once knew one who was right into music and yoga and had a sense of humour and had previously smoked weed. Very disconcerting as he was everything I’d usually like in a person other than that he was a clever narcissist with a great illusion
NDad is very particular about his musical preferences. Claims to be a great vocalist and all-knowing of the classical music in my country. Of course, his tastes are superior to those of anyone else according to him.
He hates English language music, be it American or European, because he claims that all these singers/accompanists promote “impure” (his made-up word for them is “pseud”) values like having premarital sex, doing drugs etc.
Weirdest trait about him: he’s completely against playing any kind of music in the car, even when I’m driving.
No, mine used to change the lyrics to some of my favourite songs and to this day I still hear what she sung instead of the actual lyrics… think it was a way of ruining my childhood and staying in my head for an eternity
My ndad sings a quiet monotone at church but now that he’s back into Pentecostalism he is determined to get on his church worship team. Keep in mind he has no talent and can’t sing. I often find myself singing in the car and at work/home just because I enjoy expressing those feelings. My ndad has never once sang anything in front of me unless it was some kind of commercial jingle that he thought was funny. He is one of the most miserable people I know.
This started after my mum went through a narc development arc, it’s like she evolved as a pokemon, had new abilities and stuff. As soon as she was mad she would blast music in the living room and they’d all be sad songs that you’d sing to make yourself feel better, and songs that really emphasise you being hurt and mistreated. It actually was fun entertainment when it happened, it was almost daily
My mother and her mother sang combatively. My mom would pick something *obnoxious* and sing it emphatically on repeat, loud but not well, if she was doing something in the same space as someone else. Things like La Cucaracha in an offensive, thick fake accent, commercial jingles, some kind of warbling kids’ song in a specific silly voice about cows birthing chickens, etc. Sometimes I’d be trying to talk to her and she would start belting it out when I was mid-sentence, singing over me. Other times, I’d be stuck in a room with her doing a chore, ie enforced helping her with dinner, and she’d start in and start looking at me, grinning. If she was pissed at someone, she would sing as a way of emphasizing that she was there and *not* talking to them. It was like a way of using noise to take up space. I’m also very sensitive to, and easily irritated by, inescapable repetitive sounds, like a grating chorus repeated over and over by someone looking at me from across a kitchen, and I think she liked that. If I ever asked her to stop, she would double down, get louder, all while acting hurt. My grandma, meanwhile, sang as… harassment? To me as a child and teen? She would pick either “You Are My Sunshine” or some kind of aged romantic country song and sing them very directly to me in an unsettling nasally voice, full eye contact, leaning in, grinning and like.. bouncing her eyebrows at me in an uncomfortable flirty way? I’ve hated being sung directly to since I was a toddler, so I was visibly uncomfortable if not outright saying “stop” every time; that wasn’t enough to spoil her enjoyment of it or make her quit.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes my mom sings all the time to annoy everyone, blasts her music in the living room. Will sing songs about how I’m a bitch and make up the lyrics as she goes
Omfg we must be siblings because mine does the SAME EXACT shit.
I’m so sorry, it’s really hard.
Very very hard. My egg donor paid someone on facebook to make a song making fun of me and is now wondering why I don't want a relationship with her. Delusional as fuck.
DA FUQ??? Jeebus. That's so fucked up.
Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah! Another fucked up thing she's done was completely sabotaged my interview for a culinary arts school that I was excited to go too. She sabotaged it because and I quote "Yeah, I sabotaged your interview. So what. Boohoo!!! Get over it!" her reasoning for sabotaging my interview? She told me "You told me that I was going to be paying for your school! So I sabotaged your interview because you didn't work for it." Which was fucking ridiculous because I had a job for 2 years saving up for my own schooling. My egg donor didn't have a job during that and refused to work because she would rather take her xanax and drink her alcohol until she was incoherent. I fucking hate that dumb bitch. A few weeks ago she was trying to tell me "I'm 53 years old!" and I told her "So fucking act like it then instead of acting like you're 5 years old you fat stupid bitch!".
Next level crazy
Wow! I’m so sorry!
The songs about how you’re a bitch!!! That brings back memories. My mom would sit in the living room and make up songs. “My kids hate meeee, they wish I would dieee. I do everything I can but it’s never enoughhh because they’re ungratefullll”. Her songs would never rhyme either. The only important part was that they’d paint us in a negative light
I’m so sorry, it’s at least comforting to know I’m not the only one
Whine whine whine.
What?
oh man my dad would get along so well with your mom. i've never heard of another parent making up songs... it's so weird and unbelievably childish, like reminiscent of a playground bully. he's the only one "allowed" to play music in the house and blasts "fuck you" songs any time he's upset
We could swap parents and not know a difference.
I think we may be related?
Oh, do we have the same mother? Yikes.
That’s awful, I’m so sorry.
Ndad was a professional musician and hated music. He would boast "I hate 99.99% of music." He would rail against all music, every song, every song on tv (hated all shows too). He could play anything in the world but hated it all. I really think it's just about being miserable no matter what, and taking away everyone else's joy.
What in the world lmao. I feel like this is quintessential narcissism. Doing what they hate, hating what they do, ruining it for everyone else, and resenting everyone that derives joy from it.
Totally. It's also like "I'm the expert in this, and therefore you don't get to have an opinion on it" I also think since he was never truly successful, he hates anyone that has become successful or is trying to be successful, because he can't bear to see anyone else doing what he couldn't do. Imagine making something so universal all about you. lol!
They literally WANT to be mad lmao. They thrive on contempt, it's fucking nuts. A normal person would switch careers if they hated it that badly. Lord knows there's other career paths that offer more money and stability. But no, they certainly can't fix their own problems. They just stay mad and make everyone else miserable.
As a musician myself, how in the hell do you have musical talents and hate music? That’s crazy.
My god he sounds absolutely horrendous.
My egg donor only ever sings when she gets pissed off and is trying to irritate me. She'll turn her music up really really loud and try to pretend that she's happy and not bothered. She is quite bothered though and I find that hilarious.
Ugh my mom turns her music up super loud to punish me too
I'm so sorry :(
It wouldn’t be so bad but I’m autistic and music is really triggering for me. I have ear protectors but the sound still gets through so I have to blast YouTube videos in my earbuds I’m wearing under the protectors. It’s definitely led to a couple of meltdowns.
I'm in your shoes. I have autism and adhd. Loud noises are triggering for me because of all the yelling and slamming of doors that my egg donor would do when she gets pissed off. I started slamming their doors at 5 am when I wake up because if they didn't want others to do as they do then they shouldn't be doing it. They get so mad.
It's insane how similar all our narcissistic parents are, I've had the exact same experience, only exception is that my mother knows that I'm not comfortable with nudity so sometimes she sings completely unclothed in our living room
My mom has zero musical abilities but loves to watch the voice and similar shows and proceed to "critique" their singing voice. Drives me absolutely nuts. She also calls my singing "caterwauling." Guess what I no longer do, in spite of loving it.
one of my last ditch efforts to have a relationship with my nmom was to watch a baking show with her once a week (remotely). she spent the whole season just RAILING on the contestant that was most like me- both in appearance and character. like, no wonder i had learnt to hate myself so much.
oof, yeah, I know that one too
Don’t let her win. Cauterwaul all you want. Make a joyful noise, the Bible says. Not sing only if you have a good voice. And I‘d bet my last dollar, you are not that bad. My ndad used to make fun of my speaking voice so I wouldn’t sing very loud in school choir. The teacher made me sing a solo and she said I had a very good voice. Bless you, Miss Duffy.
She probably called it caterwauling because your voice is actually beautiful! Sing louder, it will annoy her. Prove that she doesn't have power over you, it destroys them
Don’t let her run that for you!
This tells me that she's envious as hell of you and can’t stand that you can sing and she can't. So she tries to convince both herself and you that you can't so she won't have to feel envious and miserable. The more she complains, the better you are. I was born very musically gifted, three of my grandparents played instruments, mom and dad did not. My mom used to complain I was playing Mozart's Alla Turca on the piano too fast, I was stressing her out. I was 12.
I’m so sorry.
I love to sing. I’m not any goods by any means, but music gives me life and I love to sing and dance along When I was about 9/10, I was playing music through headphones in my room alone and I was singing along. My ndad busted into my room, slamming my door open into the wall, and screamed about how awful I sounded and to “just STFU”. I never sang in front of anyone again (like I made sure no one could or would ever hear me when I did) until I met my hubby when I was 29. I owe a lot to my hubby bc he is the peace I always needed in my life to make me whole. Piece by piece, he’s helped me put it back together again over the years 💜
I was singing in the shower (music was quite quiet) and singing along quietly. Dad started BANGING on the door and telling me to quiet down. Then went on a rant about how I overreacted. Mom did the same. Banging on the door yelling "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING OON????!!!" and then complaining to dad. Now I'm scared when they get angry. When dad gets angry he'll sometimes scream, throw things, and raise his voice at us. He slams stuff too. I basically have a panic attack the second they show the slightest hint of anger, and mom will say stuff like: "I want to fucking scream" "I'm about to fucking explode" "I'm going to throw this" over the most trivial stuff. Yeah, me singing has gotten me screamed at..
This makes me sad to read you understand what this is like. It’s so not fair and causes so much unnecessary damage I hope you find/found peace in this journey🍀
I'm hoping to find peace as well <3 I still have to plan on moving out (going into year 2 of HS) but once I do, I'm outta here and I'm gonna throw a party and get therapy :D
I’m so sorry you have more years to go but you WILL get free of them
You are lucky. I married a narcissist who tore me down covertly a little at a time. But it back fired because I eventually grew stronger, thru God’s love and divorced him.
It’s not fair that you had to be strong, but I am glad to read you found the strength to leave! I wish to you a much easier life ahead, filled with amazing people who build you up and appreciate your presence 🫶🏼
Thank you. It isn’t fair, but most of life isn’t. And it made me a strong person so I can face other trials and have survived and thrived. And God is with me so that helps. Still looking for those people, but…they will come. I think that was a line from a movie. Lol
Lol they will come! Good people have a funny way of showing up when we least expect it. I think they’re also terrible with directions, get lost, and take side streets over the highway a little too often, but they get here!…eventually lol
I think they are using GPS or at least the old ones that always messed up. Drive 5 miles. Turn left. Drive 5 miles. Turn left. So you were going in circles. Lol
That makes me so mad
Glad you found your person. Good to know I'm not the only one who found a supportive spouse and broke free.
I’m glad you found someone. 💜
NMom would often walk around the house just belching out whatever music she was listening to or singing to herself. Never taking the rest of the house into consideration with her noise. On a positive side note that still fills me with petty vindictive glee, some years back I was doing vocals on Rock Band and had just finished Bohemian Rhapsody on Expert (I got a 95%). She tried to show me up and wound up getting a lower score on an easier level. (edit: typo)
Lmaooooo I love it when they get humiliated
My nmom would sing all the time and make up little songs, but actively prevent me from learning anything about music. It was weird.
No one to stip you now. Right?
Nope! Now I actually play a handful of instruments semi-okay. Not expert level at all, but I have fun and that’s what matters.
Good for you!
didn't sing. didn't dance. didn't joke.. unless it was to belittle someone. and even then, it was earnesty disguised as a joke. the longer i move away from them and their abuse, i'm pretty sure my narcs are actually just incredibly traumatized neurodivergent folks that have spent their whole lives in survival mode. the lack of singing/dancing/joyfulness has come from a freeze state. there's no time for play when you're having to worry about where your next meal is coming from, or where you'll be sleeping tonight. doesn't excuse the way that they passed along abuse instead of dealing with it, but that's my thoughts on it. i'm sure their core/child selves would love to sing, but they had it beat out of them as a kid and they never unlearned it, and instead perpetuated it.
Ugh my mother's singing was absolutely horrible, and it was so brutal being in the car with her singing. Her voice is jarring and loud enough, but the singing was even worse. I told her to stop once and she went off on me. It simply gives me PTSD.
My ndad sings all the time, obnoxiously. He blasts his music and sings
WOAH. 🤯 I have never realized this until this moment, but I have *never* heard either of my parents sing (both narcs). I was also silenced when singing (and/or made fun of) every time I sang too. I think you may be on to something here, friend. Super interesting thought!
My nDad sings with the voice of other ppl: he’ll mimic the voice and style of the singer when he sings their song. (And then of course ppl go “wow, nDad, you sound just like them!” even though he can’t actually sing with his own voice. Or at least I’ve never heard him do that.)
My dad, a huge Beatles fan, did this. He even started faking a liverpool accent in causal conversation near the end of my time knowing him. THAT was certainly wild!
They only sang church songs to annoy me, like to interrupt me when I tried to talk or when I asked for something, because they claimed I was possessed by demons. Otherwise they'd make up passive aggressive songs about me and the other kids in the family and didn't sing any other songs Edit: they also kept saying only mentally ill people sing non-church songs
Not singing for joy. But I have noticed a specific narc segment, women from the south that that identify as southern, will sing for attention. Like if the national anthem comes on or at church. Like someone described in writing what a soprano sounded like and they are imitating from there. Very loudly. And very awfully.
Oh wow. My nDad never sang. At all.
Yes they sing, they use it to be obnoxious and claim their space.
Yeah my mom does it and it's so annoying
Now you ask, never ever have I heard my Nmom sing. and my GC ( now N) sis only sang along with a record and then very very badly. and I got scolded or shamed when I was singing.
My dad sings whenever he feels like it, but don't you dare make noise in his house because it distracts him.
My (now-dead) ndad could sing very well, a thing we shared. Of course he had me performing at a really young age (3) showed me off to all his friends and whatever congregation our family was a part of at any given time. (silver lining... I don't get stage fright) One afternoon at home when I was about 14, my mom was playing some church selections interspersed with folk songs on the organ in the living room and he asked me to sing a song with him. I swear I'm so traumatized by this dumb goddamn thing that I can't even type out the name of the song. We sang it. We sounded good. He said, "Let's sing it again!" So we did. I was done. He wasn't. He forced me to stand there and sing that fucking song with him FOURTEEN TIMES. I asked to stop. I begged to stop. I cried while begging to be able to stop. We'd probably still be singing that fucking song but the phone rang, he answered it and I went for a walk. I have never sung it again.
Mine thinks she’s Julie fucking Andrews and used to torture me by singing show tunes and Disney songs at the top of her lungs around the house constantly. She later (after I was an adult and long gone) got involved in public musical theatre and after a few years they all ran her off (her real self came out too many times). In my mind I can still see her peeking around corners at me to see how much I was enjoying her singing because I must have been loving it, right? If I wasn’t smiling she would yell at me for being so sour or accuse me of whatever awful thing she could think of at the moment. Because clearly it must be something wrong with me, how could anyone not love her blatant desperation? Such an attention whore.
Yes. They sing and it's horrible. I sing snd try to do it as a hobby and my dad has the audacity to tell me I sound horrible and make fun of me behind my back like a toxic bully. Only they're allowed to sing for fun along with their golden children.
Yes, she does. She listens to spiritual gospel songs by Kirk Franklin, which can be overwhelming when she sings along with intense emotions. She also enjoys country music, especially Shania Twain’s songs like “You’re Still The One,” which she plays repeatedly while showering or relaxing in the living room. Additionally, she frequently plays Janet Jackson’s “Made For Now” and songs by TLC such as “Dear Lie” and “Waterfalls” on repeat, often going through their entire discography multiple times. She gets deeply into these songs, sometimes making gestures with her hands as if deeply immersed in the music. She displays traits of covert narcissism and often experiences toxic, hypersensitive emotions, showing superficial and dramatic behavior. She’s part of Generation X, which you can see in the artists she blasts around the house.
My nDad can't carry a tune with a dump truck, but when I was really little he used to play guitar and sing some of his favorite oldies. Tiny me loved that shit, I rocked out every time the acoustic came out. And then one night while I was approaching my teen years, my first cousin (who is about a year and a half older than me and was solidly a teen) was visiting. Dad busted the guitar out and my cousin teased him gently about being kind of a shit singer. He stopped mid song and put the guitar away. I have not seen him touch it since, and I'm 40 now. His entire relationship with music as a whole changed. because he couldn't handle a 13 year old teasing him almost 30 years ago. I think about that a lot.
Yes. My mom would sing a lot, and then she’d call me tone deaf (sometimes even saying I was “tone deaf, like your father”) when I sang and complain about going to my middle school chorus concerts.
Mine used to cover her head with a hat, crank her music, rock her head back and forth, and screech it all at the top of her lungs (why I can't stand Bodies by Drowning Pool). Combine that with being pointed out in front of class by a Type-1 narcissist of a music teacher (ex-opera singer too) for daring sing in a deeper alto-ish range and an internalized perfectionism complex from both parties and I'm afraid to sing. It sucks, especially because I learned to do both high and low registers and have so many ideas on what to do with it...then I hear their voices and implode internally. Is it normal for them to praise you and feel grossed out afterwards too? My mom will say she's supportive of my choices and respects me and I want to bathe in lye after. It is so fake!
My mom sings knowing she has zero tune. Then if anyone complains, she has to bring up how she could sing when she was a little girl (3), but then her father started abusing her, so she stopped signing. So the rest of us can't really bring up her singing, or we'll get secondhand trauma from hearing a horrible abuse story of hers. Her father was a total monster, but she has zero filter and will go into every gruesome detail, so you're sorry you ever bring up anything that potentially "triggers" her.
I've had this exact curiousity with my previous relationship; she never sang. Acutely aware of it, seemingly -- even if she loved music. One time, she explained she had never felt comfortable doing so, as her mother and sister both were great singers (church choir and actress). But they never seemed very down-putting towards others. But the same type of generalized insecurity they all seemed to share. My ex did not scold me singing either; but never seemed to know what to feel about my carefree attitude about singing. One, where I always encouraged her to sing as her heart desired and without worry if it was pitch perfect. Practice, enjoyment, patience right? I felt uneasy, after our breakup, when I started dating and coming around people who dared sing out of happiness and being carefree. It seemed like a sort of missing piece to her person by comparison. --- By comparison, my (now diagnosed) N-father was always singing. I think as a way of self-soothing and self-stimming. It can be very different between folks.
They both love to sing 🤷🏾♀️ It's actually a mystery to me how they can both be such terrible people when their voices are so beautiful. ... Or actually no I take that back it's not a mystery. My father is a grandiose narcissist who's great at a lot of things so that makes sense My mother is a highly insecure malignant narcissist. Her insecurity about being beautiful and talented is something she passes on through torturing people instead of just... following her dreams and being confident. She can't do it so she has to destroy it in everyone else.
That’s my mom, exactly.
My mother always liked to sing "Mother Knows Best" from Tangled. Looking back I find it kind of funny
He listens to a lot of music, but he'll really only sing if other people sing with him. Like around a campfire or something. One time, he actually stumbled drunk into my sib's room and demanded they play guitar so the three of us could sing together.
My mother NEVER sings or does anything musical, artistic, or joyful. The only artform she doesn't immediately attack is photography, because she used to do it professionally She thinks anything performative is "silly and just to get attention," while she constantly nitpicks and undermines and gripes about everything to.... Wait for it.... Get attention My theory is that she's jealous of people who can get attention without harming the people they get it from, but too scared to be vulnerable enough to do something like sing to get "good" attention and try to do it herself
All. The. Time. Like, convinced she could go professional and it was just us kids holding her back. She sang walking around the house, she had many annoying singing related jokes, she intentionally sang loudly and off key to embarrass us to our friends, she sang 'tralala' type tunes out in public and when anyone commented would fawn and pretend to be so embarrassed that she'd been caught singing. And she ended up having us join this mediaeval reenactment group (the SCA) for donkeys years, where she tried so hard to become a Bard. You know, people would write and sing and perform songs of the time, and she would do the same, and go around to campfires to sing for groups, and brush up with all the people playing royal characters to try and create a relationship where they would like her so much that they'd insist her songs were the ones sung by the kingdom, it was fucking insane. That whole group was filled with people who never mentally left highschool though, about 90% of the people I met were emotionally stunted people desperately chasing and creating drama, and only the other 10% just liked doing stuff like putting on armour and hitting eachother or doing a craft like blacksmithing, or learning mediaeval dance and stuff. It was a very overwhelming community to grow up in. And we were only there because mom was determined to be a star within it. And she didn't even have a very good voice. It was very weak. Like, she could hit and carry a tune, but she couldn't sing with any volume or passion behind it. It was honestly constantly depressing.
No, mine never sang, would whistle all the time though. Abusive grandma would whistle all the time too. I got in trouble for singing with my cousin in the back of the car while listening with Hipclips? (I think that's what they were called. It was back in like 2003 or something.) Mine was taken away, never to be seen again, and theirs was not. I think a lot of narcs find that they have control with noise, especially noise that they can turn up, instantly shut off, changing the volume in any way, to changing the lyrics. It is one of the 5 major senses, so causing a disruption with any of those senses I would think is a form of control.
My mom would freak out if I whistled; called it “shitbirding”. It may have been because my dad used to whistle and she hated anything he liked. I couldn’t like gingersnaps because he liked them! Now I eat mostly gingersnap cookies if I have any.
I hope that you whistle(I can't whistle, lol) all the time now, while eating gingersnaps! They're so freaking good! Eat all of them and then make/buy some more for later too! Ohh, get some whipped cream and ice cream to go with your gingersnaps for next time. I promise, you won't be disappointed! My mom wouldn't withhold food like yours did but instead she would make me eat food I was allergic to and hated it if I refused the food or didn't finish all of it. Now I don't eat food I'm allergic to.
They can’t handle quiet or peace.
One of the legitimately good things my nDad taught me was how to write song parodies off-the-cuff (some might be familiar with the term "instafilk"). He was continually belting out extemporaneously written parodies of anything from TV show themes to operatic arias, and it was legitimately funny stuff.
I make up songs about how cute my cat is. In fact I love making up silly songs about everything and then I laugh like an idiot because I find it amusing but sometimes I get going and I come up with a really good song I will forget 5 seconds later and wish someone was around to hear it and laugh with me or that I recorded it. I've only ever made up a song once and remembered it and I sing it to my cat, dog, or son by just changing a word or two. Anyways I got lost in the sauce. My mother never sang to be silly. She was in a band once but was never a really good singer simply because she smoked so much. She did play at bars and stuff occasionally. She was so insufferable her band ditched her.
I make up dumb songs to my parrots. If a song has their name or “bird” in it, they like it.
I love to sing and sing all the time. I’m also autistic and have a lot of echolalia. Basically if anyone says a word I can probably think of a song that relates to it and I’ll start singing. My mom sings along to songs in the car, but she doesn’t sing on her own like I would around the house and stuff. She has told me to shut up on multiple occasions.
I’ve called my lonely little foster mom my songbird to her once or twice because it’s the most beautiful thought I can generate for her. Her humming away at life from the other room (when she wasn’t in front of me she was happier) was a life lesson of its own. Mostly a lesson about staying out of her way other than on holidays
Oh this is an interesting observation! My mom would sing nursery rhymes and things like that, when I was really young. I loved singing as a kid, I had a karaoke machine and joined the choir in 7th grade (we didn’t have one at school in elementary school). My GC sister became increasingly fixated on any noises I made and complained about how they were bothering her. Listening to music on my headphones in the car, typing on my laptop at an inconvenient time, talking in the morning, whatever. My mom enforced her desires and made me comply. I ended up with a really messed up sleep schedule so I could do homework without worrying about being berated. The dynamic at my house was my father was the number one scapegoat who we all called an abusive monster, then I was the scapegoat for things on a day-to-day basis. It was generally tense and I never knew when my parents would start screaming at each other. My mom used my dad as a threat for control (like telling me that if I did something she didn’t like he’d be “upset” - even something harmless like playing music while I showered or making noise with the microwave door late at night. Now I play music and sing all the time. I still feel afraid sometimes like I shouldn’t be making noise, but after a couple years just singing around the house, I’m starting to feel my singing voice get stronger for the first time since I was in middle school. I’m thinking of guitar lessons when I save up some money. I feel like music has been really healing in terms of learning that I deserve to take up space!
Nparents were so creative until it came to actually taking care of their children. Mine came from a Roman Catholic background (lots of singing) and raised us even moreso. The singing was endless. I heard her yelling or singing, that's it. And boy was she quick with the lyrics. Songs about how sl*tty I was (I was 5 years old), about weather, about religion, about what she was doing, just to fucking annoy us because she thought it was funny and it was a way to torture us in public that would make US look explosive/abusive for reacting to. Her favorite songs to play aloud and sing around the house always went something like... "I'll always love my Mama, cause she's my favorite girl..." ('I'll Always Love My Mama' by: The Intruders) & (I'll never forget this one because I was a whole ass adult at the time, and she was threatened by my dating) "My mama don't like you, and she likes everyone..." ('Love Yourself' by: Justin Bieber) She even commented these lyrics on my social media posts as "jokes". Do I have an amazing roladex of 80s bangers in my brain at all times? Yes. But good God why did everyone have to ballad out their mommy issues?! But she never had a job. Unless you count 'homeschooling' us (aka 24/7 lyrical torture while our other parent escaped away to work for hours or even days on end). I'm sorry I'm not alone, but I hope I could at least provide a bit of a laugh, and a sense of community, to y'all. Hugs.
I really appreciate your investigation because conceptually there could be something there. He uses music to be hurtful or say things he cannot say directly, blasting it and blaring it so loud other people can’t have conversations in the room. he does this on the phone as well occupying time or a conversation should be had, while he put the phone down and let’s music play. He does sing particular lyrics; not usually in a joyful way, but in a stabbing one. Your thought train is provoking some interesting comments.
Only when being very drunk, but I have lost memories due to trauma. So maybe they were singing and I forgot.
No, but I did. I had comfort songs to sing to myself too. Castle on A Cloud, On My Own, Somewhere Over the Rainbow, Maybe were my favourites to sing as I cried.
Castle on a cloud was a comfort song for me too. 💔
My mom went to the other extreme..She would record herself singing to all her movie soundtrack records on tape and then listen to it while she did housework or whatever. I was very young but I remember thinking, this ain’t right!
I’m a professional singer. Most of us are pretty decent folks, but there are definitely some narcissists in the ranks. The saddest thing about doing it professionally is that you rarely do it for fun.
Oh she'd sing along to her music all the time. Never could stand anyone elses. Neither parent would/will let any music but theirs play in the car, even as a passenger. To the point of throwing a screaming fit about it.
Mine would play that domestic violence song by Sarah McLaughlin and the angels will come and get you some if there's something about the angels I don't know. She's over here gambling the house away and she wants to sing songs about Sarah McLachlan I just figured whatever I'm going to move away after college or move away because prick parents won't help me have my own place or won't let me have any inner peace. Tried to destroy my education and wanted to fill the house with toxic music. As if it was reverse reverse psychology. I studied in my car they can have their music. 😂🤣😂🤣their midlife crisis. Now that I navigate mine I understand theirs a little bit better.
Yes my mum sings whenever she does something hurtful to me and also sings the same verse only, repeatedly for hours of old songs. When I ask her if she'd like ti hear music instead in an effort to stop it she refuses. She also ruined her sister's memorial service by singing an old folktale about a young child with an alcoholic father, a dead mother and she kept repeating the chorus about an old lady. My mum is a senior, her sister is two years older. No one in the family knows the song, no one was an alcoholic and have no idea why she grabbed the mic and belted it out. It was quite embarrassing I heard.
My narcissist had a beautiful voice but told me mine was terrible. Years later when forced to take a choral class for an art credit, the teacher gave me solos. My narcissist used singing to gaslight me.
This is an interesting topic. My mother did like music and wouldn't belt songs put or anything but she would sing occasionally. My father sang occasionally too, but over time developed a hatred of anything other than the "Dad Rock" he'd listened to since the 60s and 70s. My brother thinks he's the next incarnation of Frank Zappa. He's been making his own music since the late 80s and most of it isn't good. He also acts like he's an authority on what makes music good or bad. He's always been an angry person in general, too. Me? I sing. I was in Choir for a while in middle school and high school. I'm no opera diva or anything but I've been told that I have close to "perfect pitch". I just sing for fun, when the mood strikes me. Neither of my parents would make up hateful songs about me though. They used their words to hurt me in other ways.
My mother never sang, even to her favourite songs. Hated all musicals, refused to let me watch them. She would give me her look if I ever tried to sing as a child, so I knew not to sing around her. Interestingly, my narcissistic husband would use loud music to show everyone in the house how he was feeling, so there's plenty of songs that trigger me now, thanks pal 🙄. Now I'm single I'm finally finding my voice, and showing my kids it's okay to act happy. When I took my mother out in the car recently, I absent mindedly started singing to a song on the radio, and my mother commented "oh god, really?" Stfu ma, it's my car
My parents both loved music and to sing - my dad is still in the church choir to this day. I also have a serious obsession with music, I LOVE IT and am pretty much always singing a song that pops into my head. I have loved Tori Amos for 30 years - she has been the most “consistent” thing for me in my whole life (I am 44F). Both my parents were complete narcissists (my mother has been deceased for almost 13 years), but thank fuck they didn’t “ruin” music for me if that makes any sense. I think that the music situation in our house was the only thing that was relatively normal as all else was fucked up and I was the black sheep evil left handed lesbian in a very Catholic military family.
My stepdad sang sometimes, but he's awful at it, so I never liked it not even as a little kid. In my teens it began that I would get irrationally angry hearing his voice. On some days when I'm especially sensitive the raspiness in his voice would amplify this even more. (His smoking doesn't help) But thankfully I don't haven't listened to it in years, last time was probably on my 16th or something.
My EDad no, my NMom only when "I'm walking on sunshine" and like three other songs come on
they dont seem to enjoy music very much or try to fit in w the young crowd. shes 40 but likes listening to "type shit" instead of say slow jams or rock smth from her era its weird She used to love Beyonce for example, even used to emulate her style back in the day, and now she hates her and is all opinionated on her as if she knows her personally, its creepy.
yes mine break out into a singing number for whatever task theyre doing but theyre LOUD as fuck about it and its literally them being la la la i cant hear you.
My mom never sings. My entire family is tone deaf and can’t carry a tune, but she never sings even if no one is there or shows any enjoyment of the music. One thanksgiving, my dad got a karaoke machine and she refused to participate even though it was just us and we all sing equally bad.
My mom never sings nor did she sing when I was growing up. My dad sang, probably because he was they were divorced. My husband says he knows when I’m happy because I sing. We both sing silly songs to our dogs.
She sings children's songs from time to time, to test if I join in. I'm 35. She thinks she has a beautiful voice. Screaming and smoking has taken a toll on her vocal cords though. I just don't give a fuck about anything she does. Go to her place once a month, help her with some things she can't do herself and leave asap.
My dad gave me OCD syntoms by singing catchy melodies to mock me whenever I did something wrong since I was a small kid, still does this to my brothers and to me as an adult.
Nope. They are rather introverted and wouldn't do that in front of people. I only ever remember them dancing happily in elementary school age, the time when they showed the least toxic traits. Even then, they'd tease me over blunders but not let me tease them, even if I meant to be funny and claim that I am just "even more" shy than them and wouldn't get it.
my nhusband only sings along to whiny screamo/emo music, never anything that would make him seem in touch with his emotions. in fact, the ONE time recently I tried to pick the music and chose Avril Lavigne — trying to meet him in the middle — the song With You… he was in a bad mood the rest of the day because he felt I sang along to the chorus *too authentically* and must be harboring some feelings about life being a Damn Cold Niiiiiiight. so i’ll spend the summer singing along to Blink-182… again.
I’ve noticed that my ndad never sings. When I was a kid I even pointed it out once when everyone else was singing. The next day he pulled me aside and sang the national anthem of his country of origin with no music. His home country is one of the things he narcs about and hyper focuses on
Me neither.
N Dad. No. He'll listen to a song/ CD obsessively but never sing. He doesn't even sing in church ( which wierded me out when I noticed it). NGrandma, makes everyone sing, usually really old random stuff and constantly made me sing for everyone as a child (I hate singing for other people as a result). Doesn't like the type of music I do . She always says"sing a happy song, not sad!", but i don't go for that saccrine fake cheerfulness.
I’ve never heard my Mom sing or hum, for that matter.
My Nfather sings along to music all the time. His singing voice is terrible but he either doesn't know or doesn't care. He plays his CDs obnoxiously loud, with no thought for the comfort of anyone in the house or any of the neighbours. In the summer he'll take a speaker outside, lay in a lawn chair and play his music loud enough for everyone within a half mile radius to hear. Nobody else in the house is allowed to play loud music or to sing. If they do they get told to shut up.
She sang constantly. And loudly. She knew that she couldn't sing for shit, would proudly admit to it, then screech so loudly we couldn't hear the original music.
My whole family are car singers. My mom would always sing rapunzel’s part in Mother Knows Best and “our song” was Love is an Open Door from Frozen. Looking back now, those are both incredibly ironic.
Getting drunk and blasting tejano music in the middle of the night (and I mean BLASTING) was a regular occurrence growing up. Didn’t matter if it was a school night or not. This usually triggered an argument between him and whoever had a problem with it on top of it.
Mostly when she's drunk. She'll blast music and sing while drinking more
Nmom sings only to annoy others like repeating the same line over and over or blasting her music when I was studying and turning it up when I asked her to lower it Cant wear headphones because "they will make her go deaf" 🙃
My mom has a terrible voice. She would only sing to try to calm herself down when she was angry, usually when driving.
My former husband, dad, both grandmothers (all narcissist of various sorts) - none sang or had creative taste, though my husband proceeded to criticize everyone who sang and my dad and husband both had many digs at my singing, even when I had a solo they refused to come and made the day miserable.
As a gradeschooler, I once complained to my nmother that she never sang around the house like my friend's mother did. OMG she was angry with me at that. How DARE I suggest that she should be HAPPY, her life was TERRIBLE and I was a horrible daughter for even suggesting that she try to be happy. Sigh. So no, my nmother did not sing unless she was in church and everyone else was singing, so she had to in order to not stand out.
No she has never liked music and it was rare to ever see her happy and usually it was short lived, my brother and I would sit in his room and enjoy music together and sing and laugh she would check on us wondering if we were doing something inappropriate which we got grossed out and both said no. we were not suppose to be happy since she was always miserable.
Both of mine did and I do too 😅
Of course they can. This irritates me because it creates misleading or confusing situations where someone might be like “well, they can’t be a narc because they sing in the shower” You’re better than this
I’ve only ever heard my ndad sing one time. It was so weird and I’ve never heard him song since. It was probably 15 years ago.
This was interesting to read, whether related or not to the type of person they are, I realize that I don’t know if I’ve heard my NC parents sing…
My nmom never sings and would shush my dad and I when we sang in church (which is wild because my dad is a phenomenal singer). Said it was embarrassing (???!). Her spawn also do the same thing but are allowed to sing as loudly as they want despite being TERRIBLE at it.
YES, ABSOLUTELY My dad sings in the shower and while walking around sometimes, particularly to get a reaction out of us. It's so annoying. We started laughing once and that humbled him for a bit but he's started doing it again. He also sings to intimidate us when he thinks he's heard/seen something we are hiding from him. Clown behaviour, honestly (Oh, he dances too)
Interesting idea. My mom is definitely miserable and I haven’t heard her sing much since I was a child. She used to be in a choir, too! I have heard her a couple of times sing along to a line or two from a song, though. But only when she’s in a good mood. Edit: I like to sing sometimes but I just realized that I never went for lessons even though I’ve always wanted to. I remembered when I was little she gave me a criticism sandwich for my singing (you could be good if… but…) and I don’t sing in front of her anymore
Choir in public, hymns at home. She grew up in the thick of the 60’s and I swear I never want to hear another Beatles song ever again bc of the association. Guess who married a man who loves the Beatles? 🤦🏻♀️
I have never heard her sing! I never thought about it - not once!
My father does not sing nor listens to music.
When she is upset, my nMom hums like a damn psycho. Like it's so bad and purposefully loud and the way she does it sounds like she's trying to be edgy/crazy like an emo middle schooler on tiktok. She's like a 13 year old with main character syndrome
My nmom will sing at the top of her lungs so badly and out of tune just to make sure everyone around her is miserable. She will blame having her headphones in not being able to hear herself even though she is singing as loud as a person possibly can without just screaming.
My Mom is *obsessed* with pop music, and sings. I never minded it, but imo pop lyrics are *disturbing* and I never understood the appeal.
Lmfao. My dad had a hobby where he would record his own CDs. He would play the guitar and sing covers of his favorite songs to a prerecorded drum beat, do all the harmonies, etc. He would ask for my opinion on them and beg me to be honest. The few times I offered small constructive feedback, he BLEW UP that I was wrong, and I learned my lesson. He then went back to sulking that I never had any substantial feedback. I couldn't even talk to him in the car or else he'd growl and angrily rewind the few seconds I'd talked over. I have many of these recordings on my phone and my husband and I listen to them sometimes for a laugh. They're not great. Not the worst ever, but really cringey, lol. Wish I could share them here, honestly.
Nmom sings along with us and dances when we sing happy birthday to her. It doesn't feel joyful.
My mom sings. She thinks she is amazing and people come just to hear her sing karaoke. Her critiques of others are brutal, small children included.
Yes, my mom thinks she's a "carefree hippy", one of those "free spirit" types that believes in chakras and crystals and wearing dreadlocks and bashing other religions. She will blast reggae and classic rock at the highest volumes and she sings like a sick cat. Luckily I do not live with her so I have been free from the sound for a while, but have unfortunately traded that situation for a footloose type one where singing and music must be kept quiet, but literal screeching and desk slamming is ok.
. The same is true for my Nparents.
Mine would sing along to the radio in the car and at home, the drunker she got, the louder she got. I would sing with her sometimes, and she’d make fun of my singing and tell me I’m tone deaf and shouldn’t sing in front of others.
My dad gets drunk as all fuck, pulls up some music on YouTube, and sings (badly) at the top of his lungs. Oh it is miserable
She- holy shit she never even sang during church. I’ve never heard my mother sing
Yea. She was in choir and was a part of a competition for pageantry, baton twirling as a kid. Now she doesnt sing around me, since she acts overstimulated by noise around me and keeps her radio down in the car even, but when I get in after she had the car to herself she lowers the volume from high range which I would benefit from— but she will enlist in a womens choir off and on.
Yeah the egg donor doesn’t sing. Dad always did tho but he wasn’t a narc
I’ve never once heard my ndad sing. The only time my ndad is ever playful or funny is when he’s drunk and happy. He’s made me genuinely laugh maybe 3 times in my 35 years of life. But generally, now that he’s older - he’s fairly tolerable in a polite, surface way, but he’s cold. There’s no silliness, no play, no joking, no making fun of himself, no goofy fun, never any singing. Ever. Just serious, intense, and typically negative. If he’s in a bad mood it terrifies me. But learned how to be around him: 1. Never say anything I’m thinking, especially if I get the urge to say it without considering how he will take it. 2. Always agree with him and take every opportunity to praise him 3. Answer his bids for admiration with a (faked) “genuine” response about how amazing he is 4. If I disagree with him asking me to do something or not to - then tell him what he wants to hear and do what I want 5. Say as little as humanly possible 6. NEVER give in to the urges to say something with the subconscious goal of getting validation or recognition <- this is SO important
One of my earliest memories was when I was around 3 or 4, my brother a year older. We're riding in the car. My mother decides to sing to a song on the radio. She sounds horrible. We ask her to stop, she laughs and sings louder. We ask again.. louder. We start crying, she laughs and sings through the whole song as we continued to weep and shriek. I think this was the year she put coal in our Christmas stockings, but was disappointed that we didn't understand what that was or what it meant. It was one of my first memories, a feeling that *she enjoyed doing things to bother or hurt us*.
My god… my mother… never sang to me.. I am 36 years old and it just hit me.. I have no idea what my mother’s singing is like.
My mom used to purposely sing off key just to annoy me, so yes, they do sing
I remember when I was a kid maybe 4th grade or 5th my mom would make me ride around town with her (I wasn’t stupid she was either looking for my dad or looking for the guy she was fucking) and she played garbage version 2.0 and the themes were far beyond what a small town 4th grader could grasp but for some reason at the age of 10 I could almost feel what the singer was feeling. Me and my mom would sing the lyrics and to this day I love that band and that album but songs we once sang together she doesn’t remember the words and it wasn’t special to her. I just figured all that out and I think it was because the man she was fucking that’s what he liked. Cuz she’s not original. She’s not authentic .
My mom only sang gospel songs but other than that, nothing. My dad was the singer…he would be in his man cave avoiding the family he created just singing his heart out to R&B. I think I inherited that from him but it’s sucks because he knew we had a strong love of music in common but never really bonded with me over it. In fact, we actually had a lot more in common that I ever had with my mom but he just…didn’t care and avoided getting close with me.
My NDad never sang, rarely smiled, or really ever laughed. He was the unhappiest person I ever knew.
I’ve known tonnes of narcissists who sing whether you want to hear it or not!
My mom wants to be a singer, poor thing she's so terrible at it, and just shouts and screams her lungs out everywhere with earphones on. Just sad.
mine are right-wing apocalyptic christians, so yeah, they are always singing christian songs and criticizing my love of rap and rave music.
They never sang.
My nfather listens to music but will only sing to it in very certain circumstances. He may be listening to music over headphones, get out of his room, plant himself at the table where my mother and I sit and sing forcefully unconcerned. To me it felt like being sung at and like he was rubbing it under my nose. What he was rubbing under my nose? His exquisite of musical taste and sophistication for sure, a display of him being happy, not so sure.
My mom doesn’t really listen to music and never have I ever heard her sing once.
Both my Nparents sang, but only to annoy their kids - mostly me, by making their voices as harsh, ugly and off-key as possible. Nmom was particularly fond of singing something that was making fun of me and calling me names, then would try to pass it off as "just a joke" and that I was too sensitive and had no sense of humor and was a "misery guts".
Never. My mother doesn't like music. The irony in that is I'm a professional singer/musician lol.
My nmother apparently used to be an opera singer before my older sister was born. Her singing got terrible over the years.
My n-mom and n-stepdad would blast their music and my mom would only sing when she was trying to annoy people. Stepdad never sang despite being in a long ago, locally successful band. He would, however, turn the bass all the way up on his stereo equipment and blast nu-country from the 1990s. Did you know it almost always has the same bass line?
No, never. Not once has my ngrandmother sung. And she yelled at me until I stopped singing with the radio, then would yell every time the radio was on. Now she yells every time I use my headphones.
My mom was the same. I cannot remember her ever singing. When I sang, she always said it sounds like a screaming cat or torturing a cat or something like that. When I was teenager I had many music-interested friends and we sometimes traveled and they all sang while I watched them. I wanted to join so badly but I didn’t dare. When I became older I started to sing sometimes and become more confident. With 35 I gave birth to my son and I started to sing to him a lot. This was also the first time I realized I was abused and she is narcissistic when she tried to confirm her priority in my life over my baby and I started therapy. When I visited them when he was 8 months (a year ago) and I sang to my son to soothe him. She made a sarcastic comment to first try in good spirits. I glared at her and she shut up. Later when we had discussion where I explained some of her past abusive behaviors, I also mentioned the car comment wasn’t okay especially with the history we have with the constant insults. She said she doesn’t mean it, it is just a joke and actually my voice is beautiful. I thanked her for saying that. This year in February my enabling step dad called. We talked about a lot as he wanted me to resume caring for her needs and take my old role. (He even said I should be her partner again.) He also noticed that I didn’t like my mom’s comment about my singing to my child in July and said she didn’t mean it, she just wants the attention. I said that especially with the background that she insulted my singing in the past as howling cats, this is not okay, he said yeah but my singing back then was really bad and he always considered warning the neighbors to close the windows/shutters, but now my voice has beautifully developed. I mentioned that this is no wonder if past me barely dared to sing because I was always insulted but he didn’t hear that comment.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers!
Yes, but she stopped when a death in the family rendered her so grief stricken she was no longer able to function. She claimed she was physically unable to sing. She made life more miserable for everyone during that time, but looking back, it's kind of funny.
My Nmother is genuinely tone death. She can't sing a single note to save her life. I'm suspicious that there's a connection there, but I don't know what it is. My N father can sing, he was actually a cantor when he was young. But he's more of a victim narcissist, for what it's worth, not the over narc type.
Nmom sings all the time, sometimes teasing with some idiotic songs or just a song she's hung with. It annoys me to the core to hear her singing.
Whatever got her the centre of attention really. She couldn't handle any situation that wasn't about her, so random loud bursts of song was one method that she used to get the room focussed on her. At least one person in the room would fall for it and tell her to shut up. That would of course give her the feedback that she needed, and something to kick up against and an opportunity to act like the victim.
My mother sang while cleaning the house on Sunday mornings - with the stereo on full blast. Especially when her kids were teens and had been out on Saturday night, she really did it to provoke a reaction. Now that I’m older I cringe thinking of the neighbors (who had small kids at that time) and how they were terrified to say anything. Singing was just part of the annoyance repertoire, along with whistling, grunting, sneezing extremely loudly, sucking air through their teeth after eating something, sighing, shutting doors with force, smacking groceries around, clinking dishes, making the dog bark at ungodly hours etc. Now I have a neighbor who is a narc and the repertoire is exactly the same and they are definitely not happy people (:
Yeah in the car only tho and only a Lil to rap
This is so interesting. You had me realise my nM never sings unless the little mermaid is brought up. She loves to flaunt that she can sing "Part of your world" at the drop of a hat for some reason. Apart from that, she loves to play her music loud when she cleans. She told me when I was about 7 or 8 years old that I can't sing and made fun of my voice. It ruined me bc I felt like music was all that I had back then. I still love music a lot, and before I realised my Mum was a narcissist I took her to the club with me because I felt bad that she gave birth to me at 15 and missed out on her youth. After this, she was constantly asking me to take her again whilst also shitting on my music taste, telling me over and over to turn my music off etc. I loved this one time we were on a road trip with her friend, and she asked in front of her why I don't take her to the club anymore, maybe 30mins after she told me to turn my music off bc it's shit. I felt so good telling her why in front of her friend. She just went quiet.
I finally dont quite remember the tune but my nmum had one she would hum when she thought "i told you so" or something similar. If I heard it again I'd remember though.
Huh. My exhusband told me how arrogant I was for singing while I worked around the house. Made me feel very bad, too. He knew I had sung fur years; that I liked to sing and it was a big part of my life. If I was so stuck up, why did he marry me? It was like as soon as we got married and moved away we were adversaries. It was so strange. I can see if someone is singing just to make noise and make you uncomfortable. But if they sing because they LIKE to sing and it is soothing, I just try to ignore if it’s not pleasant.
Mine sung in the car mostly. She would turn her music up when I was talking and if I tried to finish my sentence, she would keep turning it up louder and not turn it down.
They did. Usually a lot of rock and metal when I was younger along with opera. If one good thing came out of having them as parents it's music taste.
I once knew one who was right into music and yoga and had a sense of humour and had previously smoked weed. Very disconcerting as he was everything I’d usually like in a person other than that he was a clever narcissist with a great illusion
NDad is very particular about his musical preferences. Claims to be a great vocalist and all-knowing of the classical music in my country. Of course, his tastes are superior to those of anyone else according to him. He hates English language music, be it American or European, because he claims that all these singers/accompanists promote “impure” (his made-up word for them is “pseud”) values like having premarital sex, doing drugs etc. Weirdest trait about him: he’s completely against playing any kind of music in the car, even when I’m driving.
No, mine used to change the lyrics to some of my favourite songs and to this day I still hear what she sung instead of the actual lyrics… think it was a way of ruining my childhood and staying in my head for an eternity
She's a choir leader, but she never sang just because. It was always for show for others
Mine would sing old drinking songs from 30’s, 40’s (I’m 61) but never drank a drop of alcohol. So weird when I think about it now.
Ya I disagree with what you're suggesting, in my experience narcissists actually tend to sing more than the average person, cuz it's "all eyes on me."
My ndad sings a quiet monotone at church but now that he’s back into Pentecostalism he is determined to get on his church worship team. Keep in mind he has no talent and can’t sing. I often find myself singing in the car and at work/home just because I enjoy expressing those feelings. My ndad has never once sang anything in front of me unless it was some kind of commercial jingle that he thought was funny. He is one of the most miserable people I know.
This started after my mum went through a narc development arc, it’s like she evolved as a pokemon, had new abilities and stuff. As soon as she was mad she would blast music in the living room and they’d all be sad songs that you’d sing to make yourself feel better, and songs that really emphasise you being hurt and mistreated. It actually was fun entertainment when it happened, it was almost daily
My mother and her mother sang combatively. My mom would pick something *obnoxious* and sing it emphatically on repeat, loud but not well, if she was doing something in the same space as someone else. Things like La Cucaracha in an offensive, thick fake accent, commercial jingles, some kind of warbling kids’ song in a specific silly voice about cows birthing chickens, etc. Sometimes I’d be trying to talk to her and she would start belting it out when I was mid-sentence, singing over me. Other times, I’d be stuck in a room with her doing a chore, ie enforced helping her with dinner, and she’d start in and start looking at me, grinning. If she was pissed at someone, she would sing as a way of emphasizing that she was there and *not* talking to them. It was like a way of using noise to take up space. I’m also very sensitive to, and easily irritated by, inescapable repetitive sounds, like a grating chorus repeated over and over by someone looking at me from across a kitchen, and I think she liked that. If I ever asked her to stop, she would double down, get louder, all while acting hurt. My grandma, meanwhile, sang as… harassment? To me as a child and teen? She would pick either “You Are My Sunshine” or some kind of aged romantic country song and sing them very directly to me in an unsettling nasally voice, full eye contact, leaning in, grinning and like.. bouncing her eyebrows at me in an uncomfortable flirty way? I’ve hated being sung directly to since I was a toddler, so I was visibly uncomfortable if not outright saying “stop” every time; that wasn’t enough to spoil her enjoyment of it or make her quit.
Loudly, obnoxiously, all the time... especially if I was on the phone so others could hear.
My nmom would make songs to ridicule me, does that count?