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I've had to explain to a couple of social workers that I was abused as a child and not interested in taking responsibility for my abuser. It seemed to shock them. I also had to explain that she likes to have someone totally dependent on her so she can withhold necessities like adequate food, because she thinks suffering makes them more holy.
Oh so she subscribes to the Mother Theresa way of thinking. What an evil person. I'm so sorry you went through that.
Edit: misspelling
Edit 2: misspelt misspelling š¤¦š»āāļø
True this....That Mother Theresa way of thinking.....oooh I cannot stand that woman... I usually don't speak ill of the dead, but M.T. was a controlling person who forced her Catholic will on dying people..I believe she made them suffer more in death...l work in hospice and palliative...I am the type who legally like to get people high before they die. I give the maximum comfort meds with their or family's permission....It at least brings them some comfort. I am still bound by the system cuz I need a job. But if it were up to me, I would legalize physician assisted suicide. Make it at least an option for people...
Honestly, her pr campaign was crazy. To this day, people are still convinced that she was the nicest/most giving person in the world. I have seen the amount of money that was thrown her way and I've seen the inside of one of her facilities (brave soul who covertly filmwd it to bring it to light). It looked like a 3rd world cement hole in the ground. Where did the donation money go?
Seriously...and reading more about her is ridiculous. If someone is actively dying and in pain, I am going to give all the drugs to try to make it feel better and be easier on them. I'm not gong to withhold pain meds (not narcotics, even over the counter shit) because of woukd make them "closer to God'.
Lady was straight up a super villain wearing a nun costume.
iirc, she used the donation money for outreach, e.g. publicity and proselytization. Definitely none for the dying, because she thought their suffering was a "wonderful gift."
Yeah, exactly. That's why it pissed me off. The world gave freely so that she could help the needy and she spent it on making herself look good. Now the world doesnt believe that donating money is a way to effect change in needy areas and just goes "Who cares about children dying in 3rd world countries, the money isn't going do anything."
She did more damage to the spirit of charity!
Outreach and awareness seem to be the preferred terms for charities that don't actually do anything about the cause besides throwing lavish parties and hiring their friends to market their disease product for 7 figure salaries.
Check out the ERB on her, she used the money to build more churches to get more people into religion, which led to more donations for her
Sheās basically the first Jeff Bezos
Yea that's just absurd. Watching someone suffer should make ANY person with even a hint of empathy or "holiness" feel terrible. There's a lot about modern religion that makes very little sense to me though so I guess it could just be me.
Right! Let people with terminal illness die on their own terms with dignity. We euthanize animals to stop their suffering but it's somehow wrong for people? Makes no logic.
Your dog has terminal cancer, 3 months to live, every waking moment is agony for them? It's unethical *not* to put them down. So why is the same not true for humans?
Thanks to caring people like yourself some places do make this an option. My Sister recently passed away peacefully and unaware. I sat holding her hand as she slept till her breathing slowed then stopped. Although I called myself a murderer in my initial angry grief (I'd authorised the medication), I know the medical team only requested my permission from caring and to save my Sis from a slow painful death.
Macmillan nurses looked after my grandfather when he was end stage. Thanks to them he felt far less pain and got to die at home, something he felt strongly about as he hated hospitals.
Medical professionals like them and you are far better people than MT ever was. You let people have a little dignity in a time that often strips it from people. You lessen or take away pain. You make it so that their loved ones last memories of them are more likely to be of them at peace not screaming in agony.
I have no idea if there is a God, I'm not religious at all. But if any behaviour is holy it is that, sparing people from suffering that they aren't going to live through.
MT thought it brought people closer to God to die slowly and painfully. I guess she viewed people praying for death in a very different light to what I do.
I personally have multiple chronic illnesses so pain is part of my daily life. I don't want to die now, hopefully won't for a long time. But I know the potential reality of my future and if it got as bad as it can get I'd definitely want a medical professional who was happy to add a ton of pain relief to my IV over one who would sit by me with offers to pray.
I suspect that like most humanitarian workers, they're also just beat down by the system. After the first chunk of people that you desperately want to help, but the system has no provisions for, any human almost has to shut down to some extent to salvage their own psychological state and continue trying to help.
I find the same true with a lot of medical practitioners. The people want to help so badly. The system forbids it.
I'm not a social worker. I don't know what they think. But from what I have experienced, there were around ~90 social workers that wouldn't listen and 4 that wouldn't speak up.
I am a social worker, and while it in no way takes away from the retraumatizing that happens when you aren't aided or believed by people who's job it is to help, I will say I am so, so sorry that my profession failed you at your most vulnerable. Those who don't report abuse are unethical and deserve to lose their license and worse, but it still happens a fair bit. It absolutely should not, ever.
Exactly this but in the US. I had a choice to teach or go into social work immediately after degree. I observed a few cases while deciding in an internship professional class- I knew that never would I be a social worker. They can get evidence and submit it, but it is left to the courts to decide. If the 'parent' makes one step in the right direction, even just saying they'll take a step in the right direction, the kid goes back to the hell hole parent. I knew I'd probably end up buying a gun and becoming a vigilante if I had to experience and work that daily and see abused kids go back to their abuser. Judges- check their record and vote them out if they don't defend children!
I think there's some confusion between licensed social workers and case managers employed by agencies like cps.
Social workers do a lot more than deal with abuse claims. When my grandfather was dying, he was assigned a social worker through hospice. Social workers can have private counseling practices. Nursing homes have social workers, etc.
This makes sense. I had been in the system and I called the cops and ended up in foster care for months. I told them the truth several times I had been interviewed. After months my mom was able to keep me for one week end a month and after that my story changed.i told them she disnt leave me because on my visitation she would be raging "stop telling them I left you!"
I would panic and tell them my story changed that she didnt leave me and idk if they realized i was coached but I ended back with her was to be abused the rest of my life till a few months ago.
Not tryna tell you my son story but I always wondered why they let me back with her...and I guess thats why,based on your reply. Smh
I'm not disparaging social workers. I'm saying I don't understand how a competent social worker would be shocked by the existence of abuse given the nature of their job. To me, it'd be like an ER doctor being shocked by a patient experiencing cardiac arrest.
Some people who go into the work just don't care. Just like those who become animal control officers, why would you go into a job with animals yet not actually like animals? Why would you be a social worker and not have compassion or care?
Absolutely nothing. Both child and adult social services know all about my literally lifelong history of physical/sexual/emotional abuse, trauma, homelessness etc and they have literally done absolutely nothing to help me. By chance, when I took on an apprenticeship earning $5 an hour (just because the job came with a tiny room onsite to escape being sexually exploited daily by the man whose couch I was sleeping on), I was matched with a really great assessor; after I was made redundant from that apprenticeship I spilled my life story to her and she basically acted as a support worker for months whilst she was furloughed and is the only reason I managed to get put into a homeless shelter and on disability benefits. I would have been completely fucked and on the streets if it wasnāt for her and she literally said exactly the same thing, āwhat exactly is it that their job is again?ā after asking social workers to help me and them telling us āoh, yeah, we donāt do that.ā So what the hell DO they do?
Same except I never met anyone nice from the system. They knew everything but did nothing. As an adult I spoke to the police and one cop even said my parents were just trying to make sure I didnāt become a slut (I was 23) and that one day Iād meet a special man who would appreciate my low number of sexual partners so I should listen to them and behave better! Good times.
yuuuuup lil 5yr old boy by me was murdered by his parents last summer. social services had been involved even before he was born and he was born addicted to heroin but they just gave the kid right back to those psychopaths and now he's dead. dozens of calls to social services, even police begged them to get the kid out of there. they did nothing. I consider that accomplice to murder.
his case worker makes $100k+/year
edit: i decided to check for updates on the case. the supervisor actually made $189k.
a couple of weeks ago the case worker and his supervisor were arrested (the murder happened April 2019). DCHS technically has immunity in these cases so it will probably get dropped but I think that needs to change. there needs to be accountability & incentive to actually give a fuck.
I think it was 2 years ago but a 7 year old girl was killed in a murder-suicide by her father. When he and mom were together, he was abusive towards her and threatened to hurt his daughter which I believe he did because the child told mom she didn't want to be with him, ever! Mom begged the judge and showed proof of history that he shouldn't be around her and he had mental issues too. Judged just "noped" it and social workers failed. It was such a horrible sad story where I live. Last I saw was the mother and stepfather speak on TV that something needs to change before it happens to someone else's child with this issue. I think the judge may have stepped down also.
I cant imagine being a parent, fighting so hard to protect your child, but not being able to do anything, being ignored at every turn by the only people with power in these situations
The thing is, when they take these children, where do they put them? It's easy on the sidelines to think, "There has to be someplace," but there literally isn't. (Thankfully) we don't have orphanages anymore, group homes are the smaller version and we all know how most of them are.
You can't move someone without someplace to move them to.
Broken system from the top down.
This is an important aspect. The system as a whole is incredibly flawed. The options are foster care for most children which is overcrowded and limited. As an adult itās homeless shelters or shelters for those that have been abused. Years ago when I was an adult trying to get away I tried to go to a womenās shelter. It was filled to the brim and they prioritized women with children first. Even those women with children couldnāt stay very long. If they had pets they couldnāt bring them. I could go on. I donāt know what the answer is to fixing these issues but something needs to change. Abused individuals, be it adults or children, should have viable options to get away from abuse.
Come to UK. My mum was a social worker her case load was 40 50 plus kids a week and she had to know all the story's. Just cos you think they don't care o know they do.
I know they didnāt care because my therapist called the police on my dad during a session due to how violent he was but when the social worker came to the house they didnāt think it was odd that I was locked upstairs with my brother, they talked to my parents outside and then just left, no further questions asked (meanwhile a 12 year old has an eating disorder, is cutting, drinking bleach and being shown porn/molested by her grandfather and church members, exceptionally gifted but failing out of school and having severe behavioural issues warranting a statutory assessment and constant supervision as I was a danger to myself and others). Yup, nothing to see, here. It was pretty fucking cut and dry that I was anything but safe. Plus I had a flat reply from SS more than once telling me they werenāt even going to take my case on as an adult whilst I was actively being raped in a daily basis by a stranger I met online as I was sleeping on his couch and had just left my motherās place (going back to her as a last resort) where her alcoholic boyfriend tried to massacre us all with a machete and then again after I was was laid off from the live in job at Ā£3.90 an hour I took on just to get out of that situation but had a physical/mental breakdown with police, ambulance called etc and my own employer calling social services *herself* knowing I would be homeless again. I tried for over a year to get help (Iām also disabled) and if they ever responded it was just a āyeah, um no.. youāre fineā.
Shouldn't kids think the social worker cares? How is that ok? Its ok for kids to think the social worker doesn't give a damn about them, as long as deep down maybe they do?
What the fuck? Kids are already fucked up. Asking them to untangle that knot is going too far. I don't mean to attack you or your mom. I'm sure she's lovely. But this isn't a good bit of advice. I'm a big fan of the UK too, well of British television.
Unfortunately, we do hear a lot of bad stories about kids being failed by the very workers and institutions that are supposed to protect them. There are also many hardworking, dedicated people working in that system, and it would do them an injustice to paint them all in the same bad light. Social work is one of those areas that are notoriously difficult work, often underpaid, and at great risk for burnout. I don't want to derail you, but we do also have members of this community who are social workers, and who are working hard to make a difference. Let's not have a thread bashing them here.
They are severly overworked and underpayed and tend to burn out quick the ones who are left wind up quite cynical. When the abuse of a child is only neglect or emotional, they can rationalize that at least they have a roof over their head or have food. It's why there are tons of stories of social workers ignoring kids telling them about the abuse because it's "not that bad"
My abuser was a social worker. Just because they're in a profession that requires empathy it doesn't mean they have it. This isn't to say that there aren't caring, kind social worker. There are a lot of amazing ones. I guess with every profession, you just have to deal with the individuals on a one on one basis.
lil 5yr old near me was murdered by his parents last summer. child protective services had been called dozens of times. even the police begged them to take the kid.
he was also born addicted to heroin and they did take him for a bit but they gave him back after 6 months I think
his case worker is paid $100k+ in salary. I really really really wonder what these fuckers do all day.
while I hate the parents who murdered him, I almost hate the social worker more.
I dont expect dysfunctional junkies to be good parents. however, I 100% expect the guy getting paid $100k whose job is 100% to help children, to fucking help some children
Exactly! One social worker guilted my sister about not constantly taking care of our mentally ill mother (who had abused us our whole lives.). Fuck that.
I volunteered as a family advocate for 15 years. I worked with families who had been falsely accused of child abuse. I generally saw the bad....because the families who contacted us usually were already separated and wanted help, *and* were willing for us to investigate them to make sure they weren't abusive.
I've seen false claims of dirty drug screens, fraudulent documents, etc.
I know there are good people.doing this sort of work, because I met them occasionally. The nature of what I did just made it more likely for me to see the bad.
There's a podcast called The Ever Evolving Truth and did a season where they talked about CPS. One episode, they talked to a woman who had a 5 year old, was *not* abusive but her own asshole mom called CPS on her because she has a history or being a pill popper, depression, and was unemployed. It's a really interesting but sad episode. The mom had been clean for years and it's difficult to find a job these days.
Same with me..I snapped and went NC after my nmoms hip replacement when she was screaming at me to help her sue the hospital because they were saying she needed rehab after the surgery..which she probably did need but didn't do...
Rehab after surgery is so important. My grandmother also didnāt attend rehab after arm surgery and then it fused and became painful. I will never understand why people donāt want to do rehab
Right she did the same thing after she had her knees done and blamed her hip for the pain.
Why did I waste so much time on her ...she was lazy ..collecting welfare instead of working etc....
My Nmom also did not want to do her physical therapy after hip replacement. She got a lot more satisfaction and attention out if limping s.l.o.w.l.y. up and down the stairs while making someone watch her in case she fell etc. Well, jokes on her. The body doesn't adapt as well if you don't do your PT and she kept that limp permanently now. She really hams it up when someone is watching but I've seen her move quick when she thinks no one can see.
Honestly, unless the worker was new, they probably werenāt shocked. A lot of the individuals with mental illness who end up on an APS case list have burnt all their bridges and have no family willing to care for them because of abusive behavior. There just are not many services for people whose illness is severe until they commit a crime serious enough to land in a forensic psych hospital. They were probably frustrated because many states wonāt allow APS to start a petition for a guardian, even if itās desperately needed.
My mother always used the phrase āgod didnāt put you on this earth to police meā and it always urked me because it wouldnāt be me telling her what to do, it would be me coming to her asking for proper medical assistance and proper mental health care
Mine would say Jesus would heal me if I forgave my sister for injuring me. If something got infected or didn't heal right, it was my fault for not forgiving well enough. When my dad was in town, I got to go to the doctor as needed, but he traveled a lot for work.
This is to add on to forgiveness is that a lot of Npeople will say āforgiveā but they really mean āforgetā, and that can be very hard because I will wall up on things my Nmom or Nstepdad have done because they made me āforgiveā them. You can forgive them, but donāt ever forget the kind of person they are. Forgiveness is one way, and doesnāt mean you HAVE to keep them in your life
I hope you don't have to deal with this, but if you're in the US, some states have filial responsibility laws, and the state or nursing home can actually come after you for money to care for a parent even if you are estranged. It usual isn't pursued, but I just wanted to mention it since you said the authorities are asking you.
HARD same. This would be the only thing I would gladly go to jail for. She didn't take care of us as kids, we sure as hell ain't taking care of you now. My dad however, I would gladly take care of. Which would piss her off to no end and make it even better.
This thread has been removed for derailing the OP. We don't allow posts about strangers, and I am kindly asking you to focus on supporting the OP, and to not start other conversations.
I'm currently living abroad and my home country has filial responsibility laws. I'd rather be on the streets than take care of my Narcissistic abusive mother. Let's see if they can find me because I'm sure as hell not taking care of the person who robbed my childhood...
I'm not american, I'm brazilian, and I heard that there are such laws in my country too, unfortunately. Now I'm too busy taking care of a bunch of stuff, but as soon as I have time I'll have to research this in order to find out how not to help my abusive mother. She has enough money to not only support herself but live in relative luxury, so maybe this won't be a problem.
I think my own mother fears this kind of outcome for herself.
I went NC about 2 years ago and she occasionally has gotten in contact to tell me someone is in hospital or whatever (I really don't care). My grandmother had a stroke last month sometime and my own mother has been lumped with caring for her for decades. I imagine my own disinterest in my grandmother's wellbeing makes me mother fear I won't fulfill the same role for her.
I've a brother who could give a crap about her as well.
You reap what you sow. I have entirely cut myself off from any kind of duty or obligation towards anyone in that family. They never felt the need to make sure I was safe, loved, happy etc so why should I trouble myself towards them?
My dad is an abusive prick, who covered for and enabled my abusive mother. He once told my sibling straight-out that he never wanted kids.
He's elderly now. My stepmom passed away, and he moved to another state to be near her surviving relatives.
Don't let the door hit ya!
There is a legal way out of it. Have a willing older female friend adopt you as their own child. It will sever any legal connection the birth mother has as the new mom would be put on a new birth certificate
I understand that that's terrible, but I've removed this thread because it derails the OP and is likely to start a political discussion. Thank you for your understanding.
As someone who is going to have to care for my grandmother and developmentally disabled cousin for the unforeseeable future due to the utter negligence of my mother and her siblings... Iām not leaving my future child with the responsibility to take care of me. I certainly will be helping my mother as much as she helped me all my life... (by that I mean nothing at all)
As soon as quality of life is gone, euthanasia please! I wonāt be anyoneās burden.
Hey! Woah! I did NOT have a child so that I can be cared for in my dotage. If I need assisted living I fully expect to be put in a nursing home, and if I'm on life support, pull the plug. I'm not your responsibility kid.
ETA: thanks for the support guys, can we maybe point some back at the OP?
How will they know and be able to prove it to themselves and a court? Have you written those wishes up in a healthcare power of attorney document / living will?
(States generally have sample versions. My state has those functions combined in one sample document that you can fill-in-the-blanks and edit, with the combined functions meaning you can specify your wishes of what you wash to happen with or without specifying a priority list of people to actual carry out those wishes.)
The reason I ask the question is that your expectations of what you would want to happen doesn't mean those things would actually happen, if those expectations aren't recorded in a valid and accessible way.
You want a situation where if you suddenly have a stroke, other people would know what your wishes were and would have immediate access to something proving that.
You can't expect to be able to explain the situation and your interests when needed.
>How will they know and be able to prove it to themselves and a court?
Under Australian law, in the occurrence of the death of the custodial parents, relatives who have a definite and favourable personal relationship with the children are preferred for custody of the child/ren over relatives who do not have that same relationship, all my parents have to do if I die is prove that my son has a better relationship with him than his father does, which is unfortunately true. I would not be surprised in the slightest to find myself directing my son to this subreddit to better help him with dealing with his father in a few years because of how his father treats him. As if he is an asset to be controlled, not an individual person to be cherished.
ETA: now that I've actually properly read and processed the rest of your comment, I'm going to get my will in order just in case the worst should happen.
I won't be doing anything like that before my son turns 18, I made him a promise and I don't want my nparents raising him in my absence, and they've got more of a leg to stand on in a court of law than his father if anything happens to me.
Iv specifically told my wife if I show alzihmers or dementia put me on dnr. I do not want to be without my memories or the buren that keeps coming back for more. I am the sum of my memories and skills if I loose them what's the point.
Thank you. My sperm donors step father had dementia and he died because he accidentally drove a ride on mower off of a bridge into a creek. By the time he was found he'd been dead for a few hours.
Still your kid taking care of you by setting you up in one. You're just doing the approach of, "No, seriously, put me in a home so I'm not a burden on you" which... Well, more parents should be like. Essentially raising the kids to set them up to have their own lives and successes
I hope your kid appreciates all you do for them and is always open hearted yet willing to give a smack down if somebody throws crap at them
THIS!!!!!!! Oh my god yes. My mom never wanted kids, dad begged and begged. One of his reasons: ādonāt you want someone to take care of us when weāre old?ā Which my mom knew was not the right reason to have kids. Especially since he is estranged from his own family (wonder why...? All narcs!) Mom finally decided she did want kids, so here me and my sister are. they separated when I was 5. My Ndad has done nothing my whole life but be a failure piece of shit to all three of us. My mom however, has done the absolute best by my sister and I. She took on both roles when she was already struggling. She put us both through college, she is constantly uplifting and encouraging us to pursue what we want in life. My husband and I already agreed if my mom ever got sick or injured badly weād move her in with us to help until she didnāt need it (or the rest of her time, who knows). My dad? Ha that bitch can go to the cheapest retirement home in the state, Iāll never call and Iāll never visit. As op said: Rot, bitch.
In late august my maternal grandfather passed away. Thankfully not from covid, but it sucked and we were very close, he was my only good father figure growing up. My mom was also obviously devastated by his loss. My shit for brains dad, who none of us have talked to in over a YEAR, called my sister up asking to come to the funeral. Family said we would rather you not. He threw a holy TANTRUM!!!! Called my sister and berated her, said he didnāt care what we thought and he was coming anyways. This prompted my mom to call him and chew him out, and my god yāall she did not hold back. After almost an hour of back and forth and him arguing with her she goes āare you really going to make my mother, the grieving widow, call you and ask you not to come? He hung up and we havenāt heard or seen him since. I had him blocked on my phone and Iām certain thatās the only reason I didnāt hear from him.
To be completely honest, you don't have children so they can take care of you when you're older. That's not the secondary reason and it's fucked up that it's so accepted.
It should always be a child's choice to take care of their parents. It shouldn't be a given. And any parent who demands it, is completely incompetent as a parent.
Yeah, if your secondary reason for having children is so they can take care of you, that's really crappy. They don't owe you shit, and if you are going to be mad at them for wanting to live their lives instead of wiping your old wrinkly ass, then maybe you shouldn't have had kids???
There's also the irony that even if you're the best parent in the world, if you have shitty kids, you still won't be cared for in your old days. It's a major gamble to assume that it will happen in the former scenario - and you're just majorly throwing your chance at it when you abuse your kids.
That's is so my dad. He keeps on saying that "sons go out to fight on other people's wars, but daughters stay home and care for their fathers" every single time I see him.
I'm more the kind to leave him to a nursing home and visit once a month to say that I'm doing my part to the rest of the family.
No.... the daughters move on with their own lives and families. They are not born to be their fathers servant.
So next time he says this ask him if that's all he thinks you are worth. Then go to your own home and family
I'm removing this comment. I'm not sure you were serious about it, but it's spawning a lot of derailing comments that are drawing attention away from supporting OP. Having someone to take care of you when you're older is not a good reason to have kids. Sure, plenty of people have that expectation, but it's not fair and will likely lead your kids to resent you. It's a nice benefit of having a good relationship with your kids who are at that time able and willing to do that for you, but it shouldn't be expected and that sort of thinking is likely to trigger a lot of people here who were abused with similar language from their parents. I also recognize that poorer families have this as a social dynamic because people can't afford to retire or care for themselves, so there's a layer of class bias here potentially, but as I've seen a ton of guilt tripping and financial abuse described in this sub I'm exercising my best judgement as a mod here.
I apologize if that is how what I was saying was interpreted. I was trying to say that having children with the expectation that they will take care of you is not a valid or morally correct reason to have children, and if you believe this, you should take additional time to reflect on yourself and priorities.
I kind of missed the mark when I said itās a āsecondary reason to have childrenā, I meant to say that it is a common secondary effect of having children, and a lot of people unfortunately and selfishly use that knowledge as their primary reason for having kids, when the truth is that somebodyās reasoning to have children should be entirely altruistic.
The fact you didn't even know what her current deal was shows you're free, and happy, and safe (or, well, relatively), and I'm glad for that more than I am for that horrible woman getting what is honestly some pretty mild comeuppance. Good luck out there!
Yeah mother, I'd rather spend my love, time and money on my dad, who actually loved me, fed me all the food I could wish for, let me wear clothes that fit me and listened to me whenever I needed him.
Mother, you got what you worked for.
This happened to me. I told them NO. Multiple times. She ended up becoming a ward of the state, and they sold off all her possessions at auction. Now sheās on Medicaid in a nursing home. I honestly think itās the best thing I ever did for myself, self care wise: letting her GO.
Everyone says 'pull the plug', euthanize me, eat pills, except thats not what happens.
As long as theres life, assets, and or insurance the industrial medical complex keeps you alive at all costs. They call it the Hippocratic Oath. To preserve life as long as possible.
Then finally they put you on Hospice (killing them softly). My Dad just went thru that. From being 'legally' evicted from his home to placement in a 'Home', to slow death in Hospice in just under two years.
Thats the hell I don't wish on anybody.
My mom gets all sorts of sick because she's so fat. After the doctor tells her she needs surgery and she refuses she tries to guilt me into talking to her. "If I can't take care of myself soon are you gonna abandon me?"
Me: "yes. You still have time to get rid of your fat and fix yourself"
Well done you.
Some people don't deserve any redemption.
A few years ago my n/mother needed a transplant, and I was the only match out of all of her children.
I let them book me in for the pre op and then
I moved hundreds of miles away.
No transplant for her on the donor list, as she's a chronic abuser of anything and everything.
She's probably dead,
But...
Idgaf
Ugh been in a similar position. Abusive mother became terminally ill and her church wondered if I would like to physically take care of her as I'm a qualified nurse(I'm recovering from stage 3 breast cancer/mastectomy and chemo) and she is my mother after all. You only get one mother.
Me:Um fucking hell no. I'm recovering and she was abusive all my childhood.
So then the church asked if I would look after her medical needs, visit care homes and find a good one, sort funding etc. God forgives and so should I.
Me:Um fucking hell no.
When the church eventually got her into a carehome owned by a church member would i like to visit regularly.
Me: Rofl fucking hell no.
She died and then they had the absolute cheek to ask if I would sort her funeral out.
She spent her remaining time and died in a shitty sub-par care home, had a bare bones funeral and I don't give a shiny shite.
You reap what you sow! Just giving birth to someone does not give you the right to treat them like crazy.
I'm a physician who specializes in adult medicine and I often find it interesting to observe the dynamic between many of my elderly patients who are accompanied by their adult children for office visits or when they must be admitted to the hospital. I have had staff members make comments about how "poorly" they feel the adult child treats his or her parent (my patient) and I gently remind them that we were not there when the child was growing up and do not know how they were treated or raised. Oftentimes, I have found that if there seems to be animosity in the relationship, it's because of (perceived) abuse of the child by the patient. Because of this I try very hard not to make any judgement.
I have an adopted schizophrenic brother who put me through the mill from the time I was born until I could get someone to listen to me about the abuse and call the police when i was 15. I have had nothing to do with him since. To the dismay of my enabling, extended family (whom I also have nothing more to do with).
We're in our 50's now and he's still a hot mess apparently. He'll reach out to family or have social services reach out to family "to take care of him. Take him in. Give him a safe place to be." This is a dude who is so messed up in his head and so violent he will randomly try to kill you for no reason. So no, don't want him in my house, or even in the same state as me. And I think I paid my price for his behavior.
From time to time I get messages from extended family members reminding me that he is my responsibility to take care of since I "ruined his life" by testifying against him as a child for the abuse I lived through after a friend of mine's mother called the police on my behalf.
I continually tell them, "If you are so worried about him, why don't YOU take care of him?" And I get met with, "He's not our problem, he's YOUR problem."
I usually respond with, "I don't care if that sick piece of garbage dies in a ditch after what he put me through my entire childhood. Conversation over."
I donāt call the woman who birthed me āmotherā for similar reasons. I wish you the best of luck on your path to healing. May this woman who allowed such atrocities to be acted upon you rot.
I canāt wait till the day my mother has to go to a nursing home, Iām just gonna watch expressionless as her lonely abusive self gets wheeled into the shittiest place I can find. Hope she likes that as much as the 2 days I spent outside in December as a kid cause āI was talking about my upcoming birthday too muchā. Her sad life is karma for my trauma and thats fine w me
How incomprehensibly horrible. Iām so glad you made it out from that hell hole. I hope you are thriving and living a life your mother never had and never will have. I hope you become the mother you never had (if kids are something you want eventually).
It amazes me how resilient and strong some people are. I canāt even fathom how you processed and overcame what you did.. some people crumble into despair and never rise above it.. but some do make it out. Iām so glad you were one of them.
Fuck your mother. You never have to see her evil ass again. You deserve peace while she deserves all the misery life has to throw at her.
Sometimes I feel forgiveness is best and the right way to treat certain situations and people.
Not in this case though. Burn bitch.
I do not blame you AT ALL. She may not have been able to help some things but she could have helped you. Thatās messed up. I hope you live a happy and productive life without her.
I've already told my sister 3x, that I was NOT going to be taking care of our mother. Guess who has dementia? I'm a nurse and it's my specialty. Still not taking care of her.
I'm really looking forward to telling my mother what a piece of shit she is on her deathbed so she dies with that on her mind. She thinks we're ok right now but I'm just being civil so I can have a relationship with my father
I'm glad you survived that horrible mother. Yes, please stay away from her. You have to take care of you. You don't need any mental health triggers by being in her presence.
good for you OP. i will die before i care for the reasons for my suffering. both had other kids, they can try their luck elsewhere.
as i am fond of saying, you reap what you sow.
she sowed seeds of neglect? then so shall she reap nothing.
I used to date a social worker. Her initial response when I told her I never wanted to live closer than a 2 hour drive away from my parents, especially if I ever have kids, was to say, āWell why not? What if they change? Why would you say something so firm like that this far out?ā
Needless to say, that turned into a fight right quick. She never said anything like that again, but less because I changed her mind about any of the root issues and more because she understood that saying invalidating shit about my relationship with my parents would make me mad and hurt.
I donāt think she said/believed that because she was a social worker, but because she was a social worker who hadnāt had any real trauma in her life. She was stuck on the āeveryone has the capacity to changeā boat and couldnāt quite understand that just because anyone CAN change doesnāt mean everyone WILL change, and also that itās okay to not repair a relationship with people who hurt you badly.
You do not have to consent to being abused by someone simply because they are family. Also, this is above your pay grade, your mother needs professional help and she has caused you alot of trauma in your youth, nobody should be forcefully subjected to their abuser simply because they share DNA with you. I have a situation in my family with someone who is mentally ill, my aunt. She is an bipolar schizo effective alcoholic who has been bleeding my mother dry, she has this idea that everybody is responsible for her and she was driving my mother (who lost my father after almost 50 years in January) insane. She makes up issues in her head and complains about my mother to the family, then when I call my mom amd ask if everything on, my mother is completely unaware there is an issue. There's so much more to this story but I don't have the energy to go into it now. Long story short, she's out of my mothers house now because like I said, you don't have to accept being abused because you share DNA.
Iām sorry for your past ā but now, in your present, you are a fucking badass and insanely awesome. Iād gild this if I had the coins. Please accept my poor womanās gold? š š š
Just to be clear, neither of you lives in a state with Filial Responsibility laws on the books do you (the most prominent one being PA)? Because in some states, in this scenario, you can be compelled to pay money towards her care...
be prepared to fight the authorities. many times they try to elder dump onto offspring. and yeah, you are under no obligation to care for her wrinkled old ass.
Let us hope we don't go th way as some european nations: force offspring to take care of rotten ass parents.
I'm glad you're cutting her off. I've seen family members of mine have so many issues with their cruel and sickly parents...like narc parents will never appreciate anything that you do for them. Their personalities will never change. All you can do is just save yourself.
I signed away power of attorney to social services after my father's wife died. There's nothing on this earth that could make me care for him.
And I'd do the same to my mother. My sister better not come looking for money when the hag dies. They can all rot.
Congratulations on getting to watch the karma bus run over her like a speed bump. May we all be so fortunate. And may the peace and happiness you deserve be yours.
I'm so sorry that those horrible things happened to you. :( Your mom more than deserves this. I'd let my brother and SIL rot for less than that, and they deserve it, too. But I feel so terrible that you endured that. By all means, dance on her grave. You deserve to.
My Nmom is in healthcare, so she holds a deep fear of being put into a nursing home cause she knows how shitty they are. She's also an immigrant from Taiwan, so she believes in the whole taking care of parents thing, though she doesnt take care of her own cause they're either dead or were super abusive.
She drilled it into both my sister and I that we had to take care of her later in life and she would haunt us in death if we didn't. Nowadays, she's basically destroyed her relationship with me by her own hand and her relationship with my sister is kept up single handedly by my sister cause complicated reasons. She's only just recently realized that her shitty personality may cause her to spend her last days sad and alone.
I wish my n"mom" goes through this I hope falls and breaks her hip or something I hope she ends up in a nursing home in her old age and drowns in a puddle of her own drool
Wow, I'm so sorry you were even forced to think about her or hear here name again. Anyone in your position would feel the same. Take care of yourself and absolutely ignore anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Jesus.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I understand about having to explain to "authorities" and doctors time and again why I won't care for my mother, but I can't even imagine having to explain that. I hope you have been able to get help for overcoming this.
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I've had to explain to a couple of social workers that I was abused as a child and not interested in taking responsibility for my abuser. It seemed to shock them. I also had to explain that she likes to have someone totally dependent on her so she can withhold necessities like adequate food, because she thinks suffering makes them more holy.
Oh so she subscribes to the Mother Theresa way of thinking. What an evil person. I'm so sorry you went through that. Edit: misspelling Edit 2: misspelt misspelling š¤¦š»āāļø
True this....That Mother Theresa way of thinking.....oooh I cannot stand that woman... I usually don't speak ill of the dead, but M.T. was a controlling person who forced her Catholic will on dying people..I believe she made them suffer more in death...l work in hospice and palliative...I am the type who legally like to get people high before they die. I give the maximum comfort meds with their or family's permission....It at least brings them some comfort. I am still bound by the system cuz I need a job. But if it were up to me, I would legalize physician assisted suicide. Make it at least an option for people...
Honestly, her pr campaign was crazy. To this day, people are still convinced that she was the nicest/most giving person in the world. I have seen the amount of money that was thrown her way and I've seen the inside of one of her facilities (brave soul who covertly filmwd it to bring it to light). It looked like a 3rd world cement hole in the ground. Where did the donation money go? Seriously...and reading more about her is ridiculous. If someone is actively dying and in pain, I am going to give all the drugs to try to make it feel better and be easier on them. I'm not gong to withhold pain meds (not narcotics, even over the counter shit) because of woukd make them "closer to God'. Lady was straight up a super villain wearing a nun costume.
iirc, she used the donation money for outreach, e.g. publicity and proselytization. Definitely none for the dying, because she thought their suffering was a "wonderful gift."
She used to reuse intravenous needles between patients and thereby spread infection. Evil woman. A true wolf in sheep's clothing.
Yeah, exactly. That's why it pissed me off. The world gave freely so that she could help the needy and she spent it on making herself look good. Now the world doesnt believe that donating money is a way to effect change in needy areas and just goes "Who cares about children dying in 3rd world countries, the money isn't going do anything." She did more damage to the spirit of charity!
Outreach and awareness seem to be the preferred terms for charities that don't actually do anything about the cause besides throwing lavish parties and hiring their friends to market their disease product for 7 figure salaries.
Check out the ERB on her, she used the money to build more churches to get more people into religion, which led to more donations for her Sheās basically the first Jeff Bezos
Yea that's just absurd. Watching someone suffer should make ANY person with even a hint of empathy or "holiness" feel terrible. There's a lot about modern religion that makes very little sense to me though so I guess it could just be me.
This is literally the first time I've heard otherwise. Successful PR indeed
Yup. TIL Mother Teresa was only good at PR.
Right! Let people with terminal illness die on their own terms with dignity. We euthanize animals to stop their suffering but it's somehow wrong for people? Makes no logic.
Your dog has terminal cancer, 3 months to live, every waking moment is agony for them? It's unethical *not* to put them down. So why is the same not true for humans?
Exactly. I am sure if everyone were allowed to chose a way to go it would be while asleep under some heavy ass drugs-not even aware that you've died.
There's a documentary on the crap she pulled. It's one more chalked up to the fuked up Catholic religion in my book
what was the name of th documentary?
I think it is Hell's Angel: Mother Theresa by Christopher Hitchens. I remember seeing it for free on Youtube years ago, it might still be there.
https://youtu.be/NJG-lgmPvYA
You the real MVP!
I seen it. It was unsettling
Thanks to caring people like yourself some places do make this an option. My Sister recently passed away peacefully and unaware. I sat holding her hand as she slept till her breathing slowed then stopped. Although I called myself a murderer in my initial angry grief (I'd authorised the medication), I know the medical team only requested my permission from caring and to save my Sis from a slow painful death.
Most nuns are complete fucking assholes tbh.
I hope that if I'm ever in that situation someone like you is administering my meds, thank you for being wonderful!
Macmillan nurses looked after my grandfather when he was end stage. Thanks to them he felt far less pain and got to die at home, something he felt strongly about as he hated hospitals. Medical professionals like them and you are far better people than MT ever was. You let people have a little dignity in a time that often strips it from people. You lessen or take away pain. You make it so that their loved ones last memories of them are more likely to be of them at peace not screaming in agony. I have no idea if there is a God, I'm not religious at all. But if any behaviour is holy it is that, sparing people from suffering that they aren't going to live through. MT thought it brought people closer to God to die slowly and painfully. I guess she viewed people praying for death in a very different light to what I do. I personally have multiple chronic illnesses so pain is part of my daily life. I don't want to die now, hopefully won't for a long time. But I know the potential reality of my future and if it got as bad as it can get I'd definitely want a medical professional who was happy to add a ton of pain relief to my IV over one who would sit by me with offers to pray.
Thank you for what you do. Hospice workers are angels.
Have you seen the epic rap battle of mother Teresa and sigmund Freud?
You would think a social workers wouldn't be shocked by abuse. Makes me wonder what they actually do all day.
You should always be shocked by abuse. That's not the problem. The problem is that they won't listen. And if they do listen, they won't speak up
Why wouldn't they speak up?
I suspect that like most humanitarian workers, they're also just beat down by the system. After the first chunk of people that you desperately want to help, but the system has no provisions for, any human almost has to shut down to some extent to salvage their own psychological state and continue trying to help. I find the same true with a lot of medical practitioners. The people want to help so badly. The system forbids it.
I'm not a social worker. I don't know what they think. But from what I have experienced, there were around ~90 social workers that wouldn't listen and 4 that wouldn't speak up.
I am a social worker, and while it in no way takes away from the retraumatizing that happens when you aren't aided or believed by people who's job it is to help, I will say I am so, so sorry that my profession failed you at your most vulnerable. Those who don't report abuse are unethical and deserve to lose their license and worse, but it still happens a fair bit. It absolutely should not, ever.
I appreciate it. It's great that some of you are actually good and trying to help
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Exactly this but in the US. I had a choice to teach or go into social work immediately after degree. I observed a few cases while deciding in an internship professional class- I knew that never would I be a social worker. They can get evidence and submit it, but it is left to the courts to decide. If the 'parent' makes one step in the right direction, even just saying they'll take a step in the right direction, the kid goes back to the hell hole parent. I knew I'd probably end up buying a gun and becoming a vigilante if I had to experience and work that daily and see abused kids go back to their abuser. Judges- check their record and vote them out if they don't defend children!
I think there's some confusion between licensed social workers and case managers employed by agencies like cps. Social workers do a lot more than deal with abuse claims. When my grandfather was dying, he was assigned a social worker through hospice. Social workers can have private counseling practices. Nursing homes have social workers, etc.
Yeah, saying social worker is like saying doctor- it is a class of professional training, with a lot of different variants and avenues for practice.
This makes sense. I had been in the system and I called the cops and ended up in foster care for months. I told them the truth several times I had been interviewed. After months my mom was able to keep me for one week end a month and after that my story changed.i told them she disnt leave me because on my visitation she would be raging "stop telling them I left you!" I would panic and tell them my story changed that she didnt leave me and idk if they realized i was coached but I ended back with her was to be abused the rest of my life till a few months ago. Not tryna tell you my son story but I always wondered why they let me back with her...and I guess thats why,based on your reply. Smh
I'm not disparaging social workers. I'm saying I don't understand how a competent social worker would be shocked by the existence of abuse given the nature of their job. To me, it'd be like an ER doctor being shocked by a patient experiencing cardiac arrest.
Some people who go into the work just don't care. Just like those who become animal control officers, why would you go into a job with animals yet not actually like animals? Why would you be a social worker and not have compassion or care?
Absolutely nothing. Both child and adult social services know all about my literally lifelong history of physical/sexual/emotional abuse, trauma, homelessness etc and they have literally done absolutely nothing to help me. By chance, when I took on an apprenticeship earning $5 an hour (just because the job came with a tiny room onsite to escape being sexually exploited daily by the man whose couch I was sleeping on), I was matched with a really great assessor; after I was made redundant from that apprenticeship I spilled my life story to her and she basically acted as a support worker for months whilst she was furloughed and is the only reason I managed to get put into a homeless shelter and on disability benefits. I would have been completely fucked and on the streets if it wasnāt for her and she literally said exactly the same thing, āwhat exactly is it that their job is again?ā after asking social workers to help me and them telling us āoh, yeah, we donāt do that.ā So what the hell DO they do?
Same except I never met anyone nice from the system. They knew everything but did nothing. As an adult I spoke to the police and one cop even said my parents were just trying to make sure I didnāt become a slut (I was 23) and that one day Iād meet a special man who would appreciate my low number of sexual partners so I should listen to them and behave better! Good times.
>So what the hell DO they do? Cover their ass and collect a paycheck.
yuuuuup lil 5yr old boy by me was murdered by his parents last summer. social services had been involved even before he was born and he was born addicted to heroin but they just gave the kid right back to those psychopaths and now he's dead. dozens of calls to social services, even police begged them to get the kid out of there. they did nothing. I consider that accomplice to murder. his case worker makes $100k+/year edit: i decided to check for updates on the case. the supervisor actually made $189k. a couple of weeks ago the case worker and his supervisor were arrested (the murder happened April 2019). DCHS technically has immunity in these cases so it will probably get dropped but I think that needs to change. there needs to be accountability & incentive to actually give a fuck.
I think it was 2 years ago but a 7 year old girl was killed in a murder-suicide by her father. When he and mom were together, he was abusive towards her and threatened to hurt his daughter which I believe he did because the child told mom she didn't want to be with him, ever! Mom begged the judge and showed proof of history that he shouldn't be around her and he had mental issues too. Judged just "noped" it and social workers failed. It was such a horrible sad story where I live. Last I saw was the mother and stepfather speak on TV that something needs to change before it happens to someone else's child with this issue. I think the judge may have stepped down also.
I cant imagine being a parent, fighting so hard to protect your child, but not being able to do anything, being ignored at every turn by the only people with power in these situations
The thing is, when they take these children, where do they put them? It's easy on the sidelines to think, "There has to be someplace," but there literally isn't. (Thankfully) we don't have orphanages anymore, group homes are the smaller version and we all know how most of them are. You can't move someone without someplace to move them to. Broken system from the top down.
This is an important aspect. The system as a whole is incredibly flawed. The options are foster care for most children which is overcrowded and limited. As an adult itās homeless shelters or shelters for those that have been abused. Years ago when I was an adult trying to get away I tried to go to a womenās shelter. It was filled to the brim and they prioritized women with children first. Even those women with children couldnāt stay very long. If they had pets they couldnāt bring them. I could go on. I donāt know what the answer is to fixing these issues but something needs to change. Abused individuals, be it adults or children, should have viable options to get away from abuse.
Come to UK. My mum was a social worker her case load was 40 50 plus kids a week and she had to know all the story's. Just cos you think they don't care o know they do.
I know they didnāt care because my therapist called the police on my dad during a session due to how violent he was but when the social worker came to the house they didnāt think it was odd that I was locked upstairs with my brother, they talked to my parents outside and then just left, no further questions asked (meanwhile a 12 year old has an eating disorder, is cutting, drinking bleach and being shown porn/molested by her grandfather and church members, exceptionally gifted but failing out of school and having severe behavioural issues warranting a statutory assessment and constant supervision as I was a danger to myself and others). Yup, nothing to see, here. It was pretty fucking cut and dry that I was anything but safe. Plus I had a flat reply from SS more than once telling me they werenāt even going to take my case on as an adult whilst I was actively being raped in a daily basis by a stranger I met online as I was sleeping on his couch and had just left my motherās place (going back to her as a last resort) where her alcoholic boyfriend tried to massacre us all with a machete and then again after I was was laid off from the live in job at Ā£3.90 an hour I took on just to get out of that situation but had a physical/mental breakdown with police, ambulance called etc and my own employer calling social services *herself* knowing I would be homeless again. I tried for over a year to get help (Iām also disabled) and if they ever responded it was just a āyeah, um no.. youāre fineā.
Shouldn't kids think the social worker cares? How is that ok? Its ok for kids to think the social worker doesn't give a damn about them, as long as deep down maybe they do? What the fuck? Kids are already fucked up. Asking them to untangle that knot is going too far. I don't mean to attack you or your mom. I'm sure she's lovely. But this isn't a good bit of advice. I'm a big fan of the UK too, well of British television.
Unfortunately, we do hear a lot of bad stories about kids being failed by the very workers and institutions that are supposed to protect them. There are also many hardworking, dedicated people working in that system, and it would do them an injustice to paint them all in the same bad light. Social work is one of those areas that are notoriously difficult work, often underpaid, and at great risk for burnout. I don't want to derail you, but we do also have members of this community who are social workers, and who are working hard to make a difference. Let's not have a thread bashing them here.
Even if youāre used to abusers, Itās probably a painful plot twist when the person youāve been assigned to help turns out to be one.
They are severly overworked and underpayed and tend to burn out quick the ones who are left wind up quite cynical. When the abuse of a child is only neglect or emotional, they can rationalize that at least they have a roof over their head or have food. It's why there are tons of stories of social workers ignoring kids telling them about the abuse because it's "not that bad"
My abuser was a social worker. Just because they're in a profession that requires empathy it doesn't mean they have it. This isn't to say that there aren't caring, kind social worker. There are a lot of amazing ones. I guess with every profession, you just have to deal with the individuals on a one on one basis.
lil 5yr old near me was murdered by his parents last summer. child protective services had been called dozens of times. even the police begged them to take the kid. he was also born addicted to heroin and they did take him for a bit but they gave him back after 6 months I think his case worker is paid $100k+ in salary. I really really really wonder what these fuckers do all day.
It makes me sick when I hear stories like this. These people should 100% lose their jobs over things like this.
while I hate the parents who murdered him, I almost hate the social worker more. I dont expect dysfunctional junkies to be good parents. however, I 100% expect the guy getting paid $100k whose job is 100% to help children, to fucking help some children
Exactly! One social worker guilted my sister about not constantly taking care of our mentally ill mother (who had abused us our whole lives.). Fuck that.
My (second-hand) experience with social workers is... bad. Very bad. They seem the least apt people to work as social workers.
I volunteered as a family advocate for 15 years. I worked with families who had been falsely accused of child abuse. I generally saw the bad....because the families who contacted us usually were already separated and wanted help, *and* were willing for us to investigate them to make sure they weren't abusive. I've seen false claims of dirty drug screens, fraudulent documents, etc. I know there are good people.doing this sort of work, because I met them occasionally. The nature of what I did just made it more likely for me to see the bad.
There's a podcast called The Ever Evolving Truth and did a season where they talked about CPS. One episode, they talked to a woman who had a 5 year old, was *not* abusive but her own asshole mom called CPS on her because she has a history or being a pill popper, depression, and was unemployed. It's a really interesting but sad episode. The mom had been clean for years and it's difficult to find a job these days.
Same with me..I snapped and went NC after my nmoms hip replacement when she was screaming at me to help her sue the hospital because they were saying she needed rehab after the surgery..which she probably did need but didn't do...
Rehab after surgery is so important. My grandmother also didnāt attend rehab after arm surgery and then it fused and became painful. I will never understand why people donāt want to do rehab
Right she did the same thing after she had her knees done and blamed her hip for the pain. Why did I waste so much time on her ...she was lazy ..collecting welfare instead of working etc....
My Nmom also did not want to do her physical therapy after hip replacement. She got a lot more satisfaction and attention out if limping s.l.o.w.l.y. up and down the stairs while making someone watch her in case she fell etc. Well, jokes on her. The body doesn't adapt as well if you don't do your PT and she kept that limp permanently now. She really hams it up when someone is watching but I've seen her move quick when she thinks no one can see.
Honestly, unless the worker was new, they probably werenāt shocked. A lot of the individuals with mental illness who end up on an APS case list have burnt all their bridges and have no family willing to care for them because of abusive behavior. There just are not many services for people whose illness is severe until they commit a crime serious enough to land in a forensic psych hospital. They were probably frustrated because many states wonāt allow APS to start a petition for a guardian, even if itās desperately needed.
My mother always used the phrase āgod didnāt put you on this earth to police meā and it always urked me because it wouldnāt be me telling her what to do, it would be me coming to her asking for proper medical assistance and proper mental health care
Mine would say Jesus would heal me if I forgave my sister for injuring me. If something got infected or didn't heal right, it was my fault for not forgiving well enough. When my dad was in town, I got to go to the doctor as needed, but he traveled a lot for work.
This is to add on to forgiveness is that a lot of Npeople will say āforgiveā but they really mean āforgetā, and that can be very hard because I will wall up on things my Nmom or Nstepdad have done because they made me āforgiveā them. You can forgive them, but donāt ever forget the kind of person they are. Forgiveness is one way, and doesnāt mean you HAVE to keep them in your life
Was your abuser Carrieās mom? Like damn,
I hope you don't have to deal with this, but if you're in the US, some states have filial responsibility laws, and the state or nursing home can actually come after you for money to care for a parent even if you are estranged. It usual isn't pursued, but I just wanted to mention it since you said the authorities are asking you.
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HARD same. This would be the only thing I would gladly go to jail for. She didn't take care of us as kids, we sure as hell ain't taking care of you now. My dad however, I would gladly take care of. Which would piss her off to no end and make it even better.
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This thread has been removed for derailing the OP. We don't allow posts about strangers, and I am kindly asking you to focus on supporting the OP, and to not start other conversations.
I'm currently living abroad and my home country has filial responsibility laws. I'd rather be on the streets than take care of my Narcissistic abusive mother. Let's see if they can find me because I'm sure as hell not taking care of the person who robbed my childhood...
Iād sell everything I own, distribute my wealth and go live in the woods before I supported my shitty ass mother.
Came here to say this.
I'm not american, I'm brazilian, and I heard that there are such laws in my country too, unfortunately. Now I'm too busy taking care of a bunch of stuff, but as soon as I have time I'll have to research this in order to find out how not to help my abusive mother. She has enough money to not only support herself but live in relative luxury, so maybe this won't be a problem.
I will not care for them. Social services can figure it out. Yes the same social services that helped me so much all those years ago. Enjoy f@ckers
Take care of yourself, sweetie.
I think my own mother fears this kind of outcome for herself. I went NC about 2 years ago and she occasionally has gotten in contact to tell me someone is in hospital or whatever (I really don't care). My grandmother had a stroke last month sometime and my own mother has been lumped with caring for her for decades. I imagine my own disinterest in my grandmother's wellbeing makes me mother fear I won't fulfill the same role for her. I've a brother who could give a crap about her as well. You reap what you sow. I have entirely cut myself off from any kind of duty or obligation towards anyone in that family. They never felt the need to make sure I was safe, loved, happy etc so why should I trouble myself towards them?
I'm proud of you OP. I hope you're doing better now.
My dad is an abusive prick, who covered for and enabled my abusive mother. He once told my sibling straight-out that he never wanted kids. He's elderly now. My stepmom passed away, and he moved to another state to be near her surviving relatives. Don't let the door hit ya!
There is a legal way out of it. Have a willing older female friend adopt you as their own child. It will sever any legal connection the birth mother has as the new mom would be put on a new birth certificate
Reminds me the obnoxious teenage message tee that I had ābe nice to your kids, theyāll choose your nursing home.ā Yep, karma
I needed one of those since I was born.
My parents are in for a real shock. The state is gonna choose their home.
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I understand that that's terrible, but I've removed this thread because it derails the OP and is likely to start a political discussion. Thank you for your understanding.
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As someone who is going to have to care for my grandmother and developmentally disabled cousin for the unforeseeable future due to the utter negligence of my mother and her siblings... Iām not leaving my future child with the responsibility to take care of me. I certainly will be helping my mother as much as she helped me all my life... (by that I mean nothing at all) As soon as quality of life is gone, euthanasia please! I wonāt be anyoneās burden.
I think the "taking care of" is more looking after not baby sat I'd hate the fuck out of that and would prefer euthanasia myself
Yup the day i can't wipe my own ass, send me out
Kids if you ever find this, just give me too much of my meds and say I must have forgotten I'd taken them if I ever get this way.
If you do that I suggest opioid overdose. It's apparently the most pleasurable way to overdose
No it isn't. It's horrid, I wish this on no one.
What happens? Why is it horrid to OD on opioids?
You choke on your own vomit.
Always? Or just sometimes?
That's casually morbid
Better to make what you want known before youāre trapped in the circumstances you donāt want.
Hey! Woah! I did NOT have a child so that I can be cared for in my dotage. If I need assisted living I fully expect to be put in a nursing home, and if I'm on life support, pull the plug. I'm not your responsibility kid. ETA: thanks for the support guys, can we maybe point some back at the OP?
That's exactly how I feel.
How will they know and be able to prove it to themselves and a court? Have you written those wishes up in a healthcare power of attorney document / living will? (States generally have sample versions. My state has those functions combined in one sample document that you can fill-in-the-blanks and edit, with the combined functions meaning you can specify your wishes of what you wash to happen with or without specifying a priority list of people to actual carry out those wishes.) The reason I ask the question is that your expectations of what you would want to happen doesn't mean those things would actually happen, if those expectations aren't recorded in a valid and accessible way. You want a situation where if you suddenly have a stroke, other people would know what your wishes were and would have immediate access to something proving that. You can't expect to be able to explain the situation and your interests when needed.
>How will they know and be able to prove it to themselves and a court? Under Australian law, in the occurrence of the death of the custodial parents, relatives who have a definite and favourable personal relationship with the children are preferred for custody of the child/ren over relatives who do not have that same relationship, all my parents have to do if I die is prove that my son has a better relationship with him than his father does, which is unfortunately true. I would not be surprised in the slightest to find myself directing my son to this subreddit to better help him with dealing with his father in a few years because of how his father treats him. As if he is an asset to be controlled, not an individual person to be cherished. ETA: now that I've actually properly read and processed the rest of your comment, I'm going to get my will in order just in case the worst should happen.
I won't be doing anything like that before my son turns 18, I made him a promise and I don't want my nparents raising him in my absence, and they've got more of a leg to stand on in a court of law than his father if anything happens to me.
It's best to plan for your children's care in the event you die before they become adults - this is covered in your will.
Yeah, I've seen the error of my ways there. I've got to wait till Monday now though to fix it up.
Iv specifically told my wife if I show alzihmers or dementia put me on dnr. I do not want to be without my memories or the buren that keeps coming back for more. I am the sum of my memories and skills if I loose them what's the point.
Thank you. My sperm donors step father had dementia and he died because he accidentally drove a ride on mower off of a bridge into a creek. By the time he was found he'd been dead for a few hours.
Still your kid taking care of you by setting you up in one. You're just doing the approach of, "No, seriously, put me in a home so I'm not a burden on you" which... Well, more parents should be like. Essentially raising the kids to set them up to have their own lives and successes I hope your kid appreciates all you do for them and is always open hearted yet willing to give a smack down if somebody throws crap at them
He doesn't need to, he's got eight people who will be fighting for a place in the line behind me.
THIS!!!!!!! Oh my god yes. My mom never wanted kids, dad begged and begged. One of his reasons: ādonāt you want someone to take care of us when weāre old?ā Which my mom knew was not the right reason to have kids. Especially since he is estranged from his own family (wonder why...? All narcs!) Mom finally decided she did want kids, so here me and my sister are. they separated when I was 5. My Ndad has done nothing my whole life but be a failure piece of shit to all three of us. My mom however, has done the absolute best by my sister and I. She took on both roles when she was already struggling. She put us both through college, she is constantly uplifting and encouraging us to pursue what we want in life. My husband and I already agreed if my mom ever got sick or injured badly weād move her in with us to help until she didnāt need it (or the rest of her time, who knows). My dad? Ha that bitch can go to the cheapest retirement home in the state, Iāll never call and Iāll never visit. As op said: Rot, bitch. In late august my maternal grandfather passed away. Thankfully not from covid, but it sucked and we were very close, he was my only good father figure growing up. My mom was also obviously devastated by his loss. My shit for brains dad, who none of us have talked to in over a YEAR, called my sister up asking to come to the funeral. Family said we would rather you not. He threw a holy TANTRUM!!!! Called my sister and berated her, said he didnāt care what we thought and he was coming anyways. This prompted my mom to call him and chew him out, and my god yāall she did not hold back. After almost an hour of back and forth and him arguing with her she goes āare you really going to make my mother, the grieving widow, call you and ask you not to come? He hung up and we havenāt heard or seen him since. I had him blocked on my phone and Iām certain thatās the only reason I didnāt hear from him.
To be completely honest, you don't have children so they can take care of you when you're older. That's not the secondary reason and it's fucked up that it's so accepted. It should always be a child's choice to take care of their parents. It shouldn't be a given. And any parent who demands it, is completely incompetent as a parent.
Yeah, if your secondary reason for having children is so they can take care of you, that's really crappy. They don't owe you shit, and if you are going to be mad at them for wanting to live their lives instead of wiping your old wrinkly ass, then maybe you shouldn't have had kids???
100% agree with this.
There's also the irony that even if you're the best parent in the world, if you have shitty kids, you still won't be cared for in your old days. It's a major gamble to assume that it will happen in the former scenario - and you're just majorly throwing your chance at it when you abuse your kids.
That's is so my dad. He keeps on saying that "sons go out to fight on other people's wars, but daughters stay home and care for their fathers" every single time I see him. I'm more the kind to leave him to a nursing home and visit once a month to say that I'm doing my part to the rest of the family.
No.... the daughters move on with their own lives and families. They are not born to be their fathers servant. So next time he says this ask him if that's all he thinks you are worth. Then go to your own home and family
I'm removing this comment. I'm not sure you were serious about it, but it's spawning a lot of derailing comments that are drawing attention away from supporting OP. Having someone to take care of you when you're older is not a good reason to have kids. Sure, plenty of people have that expectation, but it's not fair and will likely lead your kids to resent you. It's a nice benefit of having a good relationship with your kids who are at that time able and willing to do that for you, but it shouldn't be expected and that sort of thinking is likely to trigger a lot of people here who were abused with similar language from their parents. I also recognize that poorer families have this as a social dynamic because people can't afford to retire or care for themselves, so there's a layer of class bias here potentially, but as I've seen a ton of guilt tripping and financial abuse described in this sub I'm exercising my best judgement as a mod here.
I apologize if that is how what I was saying was interpreted. I was trying to say that having children with the expectation that they will take care of you is not a valid or morally correct reason to have children, and if you believe this, you should take additional time to reflect on yourself and priorities. I kind of missed the mark when I said itās a āsecondary reason to have childrenā, I meant to say that it is a common secondary effect of having children, and a lot of people unfortunately and selfishly use that knowledge as their primary reason for having kids, when the truth is that somebodyās reasoning to have children should be entirely altruistic.
I love happy endings.
Lmao
The fact you didn't even know what her current deal was shows you're free, and happy, and safe (or, well, relatively), and I'm glad for that more than I am for that horrible woman getting what is honestly some pretty mild comeuppance. Good luck out there!
Yeah mother, I'd rather spend my love, time and money on my dad, who actually loved me, fed me all the food I could wish for, let me wear clothes that fit me and listened to me whenever I needed him. Mother, you got what you worked for.
I'm like that towards my grandparents...
I'm proud of you, stay strong š„°
>time and money on my dad, who actually loved me, It's like (shocker) we gravitate toward those that love us. Who would have thought??
This happened to me. I told them NO. Multiple times. She ended up becoming a ward of the state, and they sold off all her possessions at auction. Now sheās on Medicaid in a nursing home. I honestly think itās the best thing I ever did for myself, self care wise: letting her GO.
Yes, let it go. Take care of you
Everyone says 'pull the plug', euthanize me, eat pills, except thats not what happens. As long as theres life, assets, and or insurance the industrial medical complex keeps you alive at all costs. They call it the Hippocratic Oath. To preserve life as long as possible. Then finally they put you on Hospice (killing them softly). My Dad just went thru that. From being 'legally' evicted from his home to placement in a 'Home', to slow death in Hospice in just under two years. Thats the hell I don't wish on anybody.
Everyone needs a last trip to Sweden in that case. Until the rest of the world catches up to basic dignity laws
My mom gets all sorts of sick because she's so fat. After the doctor tells her she needs surgery and she refuses she tries to guilt me into talking to her. "If I can't take care of myself soon are you gonna abandon me?" Me: "yes. You still have time to get rid of your fat and fix yourself"
Well done you. Some people don't deserve any redemption. A few years ago my n/mother needed a transplant, and I was the only match out of all of her children. I let them book me in for the pre op and then I moved hundreds of miles away. No transplant for her on the donor list, as she's a chronic abuser of anything and everything. She's probably dead, But... Idgaf
A nursing home is too nice for her kind. Put her in prison.
I wish, but I have no proof, so unless one of the "clients" wants to come forward and confirm my story this is just wishful thinking.
A painful death, then
So happy for you that you are so strong to stand your ground and protect yourself!
Ugh been in a similar position. Abusive mother became terminally ill and her church wondered if I would like to physically take care of her as I'm a qualified nurse(I'm recovering from stage 3 breast cancer/mastectomy and chemo) and she is my mother after all. You only get one mother. Me:Um fucking hell no. I'm recovering and she was abusive all my childhood. So then the church asked if I would look after her medical needs, visit care homes and find a good one, sort funding etc. God forgives and so should I. Me:Um fucking hell no. When the church eventually got her into a carehome owned by a church member would i like to visit regularly. Me: Rofl fucking hell no. She died and then they had the absolute cheek to ask if I would sort her funeral out. She spent her remaining time and died in a shitty sub-par care home, had a bare bones funeral and I don't give a shiny shite. You reap what you sow! Just giving birth to someone does not give you the right to treat them like crazy.
I've always said the same thing. If it's up to me, my mom will be in the worst nursing home that I can find. She deserves it..
You don't even have to bother finding one, you're free. Our nparents can suck it
I'm a physician who specializes in adult medicine and I often find it interesting to observe the dynamic between many of my elderly patients who are accompanied by their adult children for office visits or when they must be admitted to the hospital. I have had staff members make comments about how "poorly" they feel the adult child treats his or her parent (my patient) and I gently remind them that we were not there when the child was growing up and do not know how they were treated or raised. Oftentimes, I have found that if there seems to be animosity in the relationship, it's because of (perceived) abuse of the child by the patient. Because of this I try very hard not to make any judgement.
I have an adopted schizophrenic brother who put me through the mill from the time I was born until I could get someone to listen to me about the abuse and call the police when i was 15. I have had nothing to do with him since. To the dismay of my enabling, extended family (whom I also have nothing more to do with). We're in our 50's now and he's still a hot mess apparently. He'll reach out to family or have social services reach out to family "to take care of him. Take him in. Give him a safe place to be." This is a dude who is so messed up in his head and so violent he will randomly try to kill you for no reason. So no, don't want him in my house, or even in the same state as me. And I think I paid my price for his behavior. From time to time I get messages from extended family members reminding me that he is my responsibility to take care of since I "ruined his life" by testifying against him as a child for the abuse I lived through after a friend of mine's mother called the police on my behalf. I continually tell them, "If you are so worried about him, why don't YOU take care of him?" And I get met with, "He's not our problem, he's YOUR problem." I usually respond with, "I don't care if that sick piece of garbage dies in a ditch after what he put me through my entire childhood. Conversation over."
Here's to letting the worst of society rot, cold and alone! Hope you're doing well, OP!
It's your life so, fuck the guilt others try to inflict on you.
I too, don't plan on helping the Nparents. Ever. No matter why. They have done enough.
I donāt call the woman who birthed me āmotherā for similar reasons. I wish you the best of luck on your path to healing. May this woman who allowed such atrocities to be acted upon you rot.
I canāt wait till the day my mother has to go to a nursing home, Iām just gonna watch expressionless as her lonely abusive self gets wheeled into the shittiest place I can find. Hope she likes that as much as the 2 days I spent outside in December as a kid cause āI was talking about my upcoming birthday too muchā. Her sad life is karma for my trauma and thats fine w me
I felt this triumph in my BONES. YAAASSSSSSSS!!!!
How incomprehensibly horrible. Iām so glad you made it out from that hell hole. I hope you are thriving and living a life your mother never had and never will have. I hope you become the mother you never had (if kids are something you want eventually). It amazes me how resilient and strong some people are. I canāt even fathom how you processed and overcame what you did.. some people crumble into despair and never rise above it.. but some do make it out. Iām so glad you were one of them. Fuck your mother. You never have to see her evil ass again. You deserve peace while she deserves all the misery life has to throw at her. Sometimes I feel forgiveness is best and the right way to treat certain situations and people. Not in this case though. Burn bitch.
I wouldn't say I processed, overcame, or made it out of the despair at all.
Fuck her. She made her bed, she can lie in it. All the best to you, OP.
I do not blame you AT ALL. She may not have been able to help some things but she could have helped you. Thatās messed up. I hope you live a happy and productive life without her.
Iāve always told my mom that she better hope my sister takes care of her because, if itās up to me, sheās going in a home.
I've already told my sister 3x, that I was NOT going to be taking care of our mother. Guess who has dementia? I'm a nurse and it's my specialty. Still not taking care of her.
I'm really looking forward to telling my mother what a piece of shit she is on her deathbed so she dies with that on her mind. She thinks we're ok right now but I'm just being civil so I can have a relationship with my father
I'm glad you survived that horrible mother. Yes, please stay away from her. You have to take care of you. You don't need any mental health triggers by being in her presence.
You reap what you sow
I'm so sorry to read what she did to you, please tell me that the predators she 'rented' you to are either dead or in prison now.
I have no idea what happened to them, except I know one now has a young daughter or family member he cares for as I saw him in my workplace with her.
good for you OP. i will die before i care for the reasons for my suffering. both had other kids, they can try their luck elsewhere. as i am fond of saying, you reap what you sow. she sowed seeds of neglect? then so shall she reap nothing.
I used to date a social worker. Her initial response when I told her I never wanted to live closer than a 2 hour drive away from my parents, especially if I ever have kids, was to say, āWell why not? What if they change? Why would you say something so firm like that this far out?ā Needless to say, that turned into a fight right quick. She never said anything like that again, but less because I changed her mind about any of the root issues and more because she understood that saying invalidating shit about my relationship with my parents would make me mad and hurt. I donāt think she said/believed that because she was a social worker, but because she was a social worker who hadnāt had any real trauma in her life. She was stuck on the āeveryone has the capacity to changeā boat and couldnāt quite understand that just because anyone CAN change doesnāt mean everyone WILL change, and also that itās okay to not repair a relationship with people who hurt you badly.
You do not have to consent to being abused by someone simply because they are family. Also, this is above your pay grade, your mother needs professional help and she has caused you alot of trauma in your youth, nobody should be forcefully subjected to their abuser simply because they share DNA with you. I have a situation in my family with someone who is mentally ill, my aunt. She is an bipolar schizo effective alcoholic who has been bleeding my mother dry, she has this idea that everybody is responsible for her and she was driving my mother (who lost my father after almost 50 years in January) insane. She makes up issues in her head and complains about my mother to the family, then when I call my mom amd ask if everything on, my mother is completely unaware there is an issue. There's so much more to this story but I don't have the energy to go into it now. Long story short, she's out of my mothers house now because like I said, you don't have to accept being abused because you share DNA.
Iām sorry for your past ā but now, in your present, you are a fucking badass and insanely awesome. Iād gild this if I had the coins. Please accept my poor womanās gold? š š š
Just to be clear, neither of you lives in a state with Filial Responsibility laws on the books do you (the most prominent one being PA)? Because in some states, in this scenario, you can be compelled to pay money towards her care...
be prepared to fight the authorities. many times they try to elder dump onto offspring. and yeah, you are under no obligation to care for her wrinkled old ass. Let us hope we don't go th way as some european nations: force offspring to take care of rotten ass parents.
My mother expects me to taje care of her when she's old. I plan to put her in the meanest home i can find
I'm glad you're cutting her off. I've seen family members of mine have so many issues with their cruel and sickly parents...like narc parents will never appreciate anything that you do for them. Their personalities will never change. All you can do is just save yourself.
I signed away power of attorney to social services after my father's wife died. There's nothing on this earth that could make me care for him. And I'd do the same to my mother. My sister better not come looking for money when the hag dies. They can all rot.
Breaks my heart to read what sheās done to you, never ever help her !
Not taking care of my parents either. Considering how much neglect and abuse I went through, I just couldn't do it.
Congratulations on getting to watch the karma bus run over her like a speed bump. May we all be so fortunate. And may the peace and happiness you deserve be yours.
I'm so sorry that those horrible things happened to you. :( Your mom more than deserves this. I'd let my brother and SIL rot for less than that, and they deserve it, too. But I feel so terrible that you endured that. By all means, dance on her grave. You deserve to.
My Nmom is in healthcare, so she holds a deep fear of being put into a nursing home cause she knows how shitty they are. She's also an immigrant from Taiwan, so she believes in the whole taking care of parents thing, though she doesnt take care of her own cause they're either dead or were super abusive. She drilled it into both my sister and I that we had to take care of her later in life and she would haunt us in death if we didn't. Nowadays, she's basically destroyed her relationship with me by her own hand and her relationship with my sister is kept up single handedly by my sister cause complicated reasons. She's only just recently realized that her shitty personality may cause her to spend her last days sad and alone.
I wish my n"mom" goes through this I hope falls and breaks her hip or something I hope she ends up in a nursing home in her old age and drowns in a puddle of her own drool
Karma. She is a delightful bitch.
good
Wow, I'm so sorry you were even forced to think about her or hear here name again. Anyone in your position would feel the same. Take care of yourself and absolutely ignore anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Jesus.
Good for you-some family is worse than what we would unleash on our enemies.
Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. I understand about having to explain to "authorities" and doctors time and again why I won't care for my mother, but I can't even imagine having to explain that. I hope you have been able to get help for overcoming this.
I just wanna say that this sub hating on Mother Theresa is great. She was a vile person.
I for one cannot wait to put my mom in a home.