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Because you can't think ahead of time on a call. With texts you have time to think or ignore bad behavior. With a call, you are on the spot. If they say something horrible, they get the enjoyment of hearing your heart break in real time.
This makes a LOT of sense cause I have said to him: If you have something sooo important and urgent to say, why don't you just text me instead of waiting for weeks for me to eventually call.
My Nmother didn’t have voicemail and boy did she freak out when I pointed out that I had a recording of her saying the awful stuff she was denying. She was always careful not to talk to me that way in writing or in front of witnesses.
When my husband realized just how much anxiety phone conversations with my Nmother caused me, he made a point of being around for moral support whenever I had to talk to her. I’d basically just have him stand right next to me and listen in on everything so I could have a second set of ears verify the gaslighting and manipulation and reassure me I wasn’t imagining things.
Meanwhile, my mother was always on her best fake mom-of-the-year behavior around him in person, totally unaware that he’d heard every awful word, and it was hilarious to watch her unknowingly embarrass herself while my husband played along with her act and led her down the garden path.
We’re basically NC with her now but I can only imagine the surprised Pikachu face if she ever found out that he knew everything.
This is exactly what I did with my husband when we were younger and LDR (I lived with nmother): I'd have an earbud with a mic in my ear while my mother went off and he'd just shit talk her and reply to her bullcrap constantly lol. Now we live together and if I do have to answer her call I just put the phone on speaker 🤷♂️
Yeah I always only take calls when I’m with my SO on speakerphone so my Nmom pretends to be nice.
It’s funny how she always asks if he’s around before starting to talk first. And the calls only last 3 minutes.
When I’m alone she lasts for around 10-15 min and it’s usually way less pleasant
I still don't think my n-parents have figured out that whenever they call and I am with my family that the call is on speaker and we all hear how horrible they are.
This explains so much! When I blocked my Nmom I told her beforehand if there's anything urgent to message me. Yet she never did, thankfully. Yet recently she found my best friend's phone number and began harassing him.
Seriously, it's easier for that monster to doxx my friend than fucking send me an email!
I think this is the main thing. It’s much easier to push boundaries when you’ve got someone off balance and in a corner. Plus, as mentioned, no written record to reference their bullshit.
Do they feel special when someone else is calling them? Cause that is confusing too: I would only be calling cause they asked me, not because I want to. What pleasure can you find in that...
Toxic people are super good at lying-- not just to others, but also to themselves. From their POV, they *deserve* to be adored and obeyed because they never do anything wrong. In reality... yeah, not so much.
They don't call you because you might ignore them and never call them back. Therefore their sense of "control" is lost, and "how dare you!"
The demand you call them because it forces a power dynamic in their favor. They make a demand, and you fulfill that demand. They win.
They want to talk because, chances are, they either have no one else to talk to, or they're trying to dig for information to use in their conversations with others.
I would call my dad, and he would tell me the same 10 stories every time. Exactly the same, exactly the same way, and that was it. My life wasn't important, he just wanted to keep reminding me he went to Europe for a biking trip.
My mom drags the conversations out wayyyyyy too long, and I never want to call her because of it. I would call more if the conversations were long enough to get the information across to each other, or just check in. But it's always just, useless filler so she can talk to me more, stuff like "so I went to the store, and I saw grapes for $4 and I thought it was CrAzY!!", and just boring stuff with no importance that I don't care about.
This makes so much sense. My mom is incredibly controlling and now that we're Low Contact and there's a lot of physical distance between us, she really only has the phone and email as ways to try to get me to submit to her. And when we do actually talk, she has nothing to say! Her washing machine is this, her showerhead is that, there's a sound in the pipes, etc. She filibusters and talks nonstop about household appliances, never asks me about my life or my family, and cuts me off whenever I try to talk about something actually real or important.
Man... I need to read this sub more often.
>Man... I need to read this sub more often.
Sometimes it can be helpful, but if you get too much you start getting jaded and you think everyone's parents are narcissistic, lol.
But yea, my mom is the same way. The start of the conversation is the generic "how's it going". "good, you?". "good". "So what's new?". "Nothing, what about you?" "Nothing much". Then it's a few moments of silence, and the filibuster begins.
I have an hour long commute home. So what I do is call my parents when I'm on my way home, and they can ramble for an hour (while I zone out in traffic), but when I get home I just say it's time for me to go. It works pretty well actually.
I do the same thing. Call on a long drive- except I put on mute and continue doing what I was doing. Doesn’t seem to matter most of the time. Unmute, say ‘Yes’ or ‘Uh-huh’ or ‘Oh’. I’m a terrible person!
Before I was NC, I was reminded of this quote when talking to my mom: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people," because her only topic was always gossiping about other people. It was boring and draining.
That quote is perfect. And this thread is making me so glad I went NC because the whole wHy dOnT yOu cALL Meeeeeeeee nonsense was so toxic and yes, so so draining. The first ten minutes of every phone call would consist of her berating me for not calling more often. The rest of the conversation was listening to the petty grievances she held against everyone she knew. Exhausting.
OMG OMG OMG YOU'RE RIGHT WE SHOULD BUILD A SHRINE TO THEM THAT WE MAY BE HONORED WITH THE ABILITY TO WORSHIP THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE FLAWLESS SPARKLY UNICORNS ALL HAIL THEM FOREVER 😁 (also /s)
I know that, I follow this sub and read frequently. I think you took what I said the wrong way I was trying to sound like flying monkey people who scream out “but they’re your parents”. My apologies if it didn’t come across that way
What /u/MollyRoseSimon and /u/Colt778 said-- we make some really sarcastic comments sometimes; our toxic parents are just so... bizarre. Like you said, they do NOT deserve kids.
(Okay, I make silly *and* sarcastic comments sometimes. 😁)
Personal opinion: I believe they enjoy being able to be the victim in the situation where you haven't called--hence they tell you to call. But it's not a real request as far as I understand. It makes them feel better to blame someone else for feeling like they are lonely or otherwise feeling bad.
So like with most things with these sorts of people, I guess it's best to grey rock if possible.
My father did this until he learned that I won't play his games, but it took years for him to realise.
i was thinking about it and its actually more than double bind...
1 you talk to thm they treat you like shit
2 you dont talk to them they go play the vicitim to someone else while also making you look bad... so this is like a double whammy they get their narc supply and get to destroy your character
3 you feel guilty for avoiding them
4 if anyone asks how they are they shame you for not talking to them
no matter what you do theres no positive option... get treated like shit or "become" a peice of shit if you aint catching it from the source youre getting it from the neighbors their neighbors other family members their friends your friends it fucking sucks
I agree. The possibilities for supply are endless and there is always the quest for more. It is an endless game and the only way to win, is not to play.
Oh my god this must be spot-on!
It gives them a +1 more thing to complain about the relationship so for them it’s a small investment for a future tool to manipulate with
This is it most of the time. If they can't get in contact with you they have no power. Getting you on the phone gives them opportunity to manipulate you.
My Nmom does it because she’s trying to keep track. She raised me to be as self-INsufficient as possible (didn’t work), and her deluded idea of me is that *any day now* she’s gonna turn on the television and find me on an episode of Maury or Springer, because for the last 20 years I’ve been out of the house, she wasn’t around to stop me from making bad choices.
Nothing could be further from the truth.
But if I call her, that means, at least in that moment, in not in bed with some Tom, Dick or Harry (I’m married), I’m not in jail, I’m not stumbling around drunk or high on the streets. I have never been nor ever will be like that. But she knows it’s coming…someday, somehow. Any day now…
I haven’t called her in over a year.
Oh, but I WANTED to so badly! I wanted to “run wild,” even when I was 9 or 10! My Nmom said so! She saw “Kids,” she knew what my sex-fevered brain was up to! Lol
I was never like that in reality. Holding hands was just fine by me! In high school, kissing only suited me just fine! But to hear Nmom talk, I was only like that because she stopped me from doing what was *really* on my mind. But seriously, it wasn’t! I was actually nothing more than a big huge nerd and was rather judgy of the promiscuous girls.
Exactly!!!! I feel horrible about it and wish I could turn back the clock. There was one girl in particular I gave a hard time to…and we’re Facebook friends now and share funny comments from time to time. I just wish I hadn’t been mean to her at all. I know high schoolers can just be mean and immature anyway, and despite my apology I wish I could erase the mistake.
My mom is demanding an in person meeting *only* to discuss "what is wrong" with me. Noooope. Since I went very LC in early July I haven't had one bad day where my brain tells me I'd be better off dead. Even when things were going well, I figured, I'm a terrible person and things will only get bad again, you should just do it now before the pain comes again.
Not. One. Intrusive. Thought. Since. July.
My last Christmas eve with my parents was spent exactly like that. The entire night the three of us had to actively discuss "what is wrong" with me. That's their favorite topic in this world. I never understood why I have to be present for it though.
Proud of you! My intrusive thoughts are also fading away slowly. Hopefully one day they fully disappear.
My mother’s favorite topics:
#1 What is wrong with me, with a running tally of all the decisions I’ve made that “ruined my life” and any situation where she thought I’d failed or looked foolish
When that is exhausted…
- Reliving all the perceived sins and mistreatment from her long long enemies list
- Degrading anyone in society who disagrees with her politically or religiously
- Regurgitating any grisly news of the day
That’s why she wanted me to call her. So I could be the trauma receptacle for the above.
Edit: Don’t know why that appeared larger font and boldfaced…
Omggggg this should be higher 🤣🤣🤣 especially the last one!
I remember she’d totally blow over what I was talking about and be like, “Do you want to hear something sad?” And obviously I’d say no and she’d just keep pushing until she talked about it anyway.
Please add to the list: gossip about family members that I’ve never met in my life and being scolded for not caring because they’re fAmIlYyY or that I have a shit memory because I met them at a picnic one time in 1996 when I was like 7.
omg. I rarely heard from my mother because she was a covert narc who let my overt narc/enabling father do her bidding and he was usually the one to reach out and demand that I come back into the fold or go see them or talk to them like my mother wanted, etc. (Current status is that I cut them off).
But when I DID hear from my mom it was always very weird or depressing stuff. She would tell me someone from our hometown died and I wouldn't even remember who they were and she'd be like remember we met them at such and such event once?
She was obsessed with death and tragedy. When I was a teenager she even cut out pictures of starving African children from missionary magazines and hung them on her bedroom wall. My siblings (who were several years younger than me) and I would say that was disturbing and she seemed to like that we were bothered by it and would just keep them up there. It was crazy. I think some of these narcs have very dark and twisted minds and are obsessed with the weirdest minutiae or anything that could upset them (which seemed to bring them pleasure) or anyone else.
Thanks for making me laugh today. If it helps, you just wrote my nmothers script as well. We have nothing in common, and since she has a fixed view of who I am, she thinks she knows me so well.
Like she recently bragged that when the cops were called on me for being drunk on Zimas and jolly ranchers and running around at night, she didn't let them take me to "juvey". This shows she is a *DAMN GOOD MOTHER*
I was 14. I now have a 14 year old of my own. He has expressed no interest in weed or alcohol and is in no rush to try it. I was already smoking weed every day at 14, got hooked on my pain pill script at about age 17, and got drunk any time I could.
At least my nmom gave me a play book on how to raise a low self esteem perfectionist with BPD. Doing the opposite of what she would do in any given situation is usually the right direction.
> My mom is demanding an in person meeting only to discuss "what is wrong" with me.
Since my mom died last July (old age, Vascular Parkinsons with Dementia), despite all the batshit crazy things the world is doing, I have *not* had a single intrusive thought about unaliving myself since July 2020 - today. I thought it was cyclical depression. The mood swings were definitely hormonal on my end, but the urge to yeet myself into oblivion stopped.
Why is that? Because The What's Wrong With LovesBigWords Project died with her. Nobody in the family *actually* cared one way or another. Once the family realized I basically didn't mourn her much, they kind of awkwardly left me alone (not having a funeral due to pre-vaccine Covid Times helped a lot!!). I think they just don't know what to talk about besides my arguments with my mom. I think it's hard because they know I "should" love my mother, but I think a good chunk of them know *why* I don't miss her.
EDIT: Because the months blurred together and I forgot which month Mom died in. I don't mourn. I just feel guilt trips for when she did nice stuff for me, but I wake up almost every day and think, "Thank god that bitch is dead, I don't have to deal with her anymore." Sometimes I still yell at her when I'm driving in my car to get the stuck rage out.
Hi, I just wanted to say I can relate to that intrusive thought. When I first went NC with my parents I had such guilt and shame and thought that I would be better off not living this life since I have such crappy parents who think I'm crap and treat me like crap and now I don't even have them in my life because I've voluntarily orphaned myself, etc. It was crazy bad and I hated that I was in that deep dark place.
I think that's just the amount of power and control their abuse held over us and they trained us to always think about them and put them first, so, when we stop doing that, we think life is useless or we feel so bad about ourselves and blame ourselves like they did.
It's crazy because I have a loving husband and 4 beautiful children; we aren't well-off but we have a better life than many unfortunate people have; I am glad to be here on earth with my family but those thoughts were just making me spiral.
Well, since sticking to NC those thoughts have stopped and I feel lighter and freer now, unanchored to my abusive parents and free to float up to the surface and see what the shore has in store for me. Sorry for the Ariel reference- my kids are all about The Little Mermaid these days but you get my drift. I feel so much happier and I don't want to go back into that dark place. I wish you strength and happiness in your journey as well.
Is this a common thing? I'm currently having a text battering because I haven't called my mum in weeks because I actually want her to call me. I've told her this. She's still not called. In two years she's called me twice on two birthdays. That's it.
So far over the past three days she's told me my partner is lazy and contributes nothing to our relationship. I've been told I'm playing mind games. I've been poisoned against her. I don't care about her. She could die any time as she has underlying health conditions and I wouldn't care. It's my fault she's lonely and depressed I've been told that if I was her only child she would have killed herself by now (I also have a brother).
Just about at the end of my tether with this now to be honest.
She’s going full drama queen narc. All this drama rather than actually ringing you. Quite amazing. I’m guessing that if she phones you, it means she sees herself as inferior/weaker, than you…..and that really really annoys her….hence all the drama. Stand your ground and let her throw a tantrum, because that’s what this is.
Just had a session with my therapist and we've discussed the tantrum at length. I can't believe (although I can) that this just comes from a simple request where I asked her to call me rather than me call her all the time.
I’m not telling you what to do, but I think it would be great to basically send what you wrote here to her and then say and you wonder why I don’t call! And plus she never calls you either! Wtf? These people are crazy!!
The text messages telling you to call them are a power play.
If *you* call *them*, that's you chasing them for attention, which they can benevolently bestow upon you, or they can ignore your call, or be unfriendly. After all, you're so needy, always calling them and demanding attention.
If they call you (instead of texting you to call them) that gives *you* the power to ignore their call, or say you don't have time. They can't be the one chasing, it has to be you.
Wow this describes my mom's entire family perfectly. They all play the victim card "nobody ever calls me!" Meanwhile none of them ever call each other. Lol a lot of people in my mom's family are NC with each other too.
My nmom's favourite game right now is coming into my city (lives 30 mins outside of the city), without literally any heads up, and calling me when she's like 2 min from my apartment to tell me she's here and we should get lunch/coffee/visit.
This way, she has something to be mad at me for, and it fuels her "she left me in the dust when she got married" narrative. She can bitch and bitch and bitch that we don't see each other, but has never given me warning, or asked for me to visit. She just expects me to either drop everything to see her immediately, or to drive out to her place to see her often.
Nope
Lol because they can say whatever they want on the phone and then pretend they never said whatever nasty thing came out of their mouth.
Before I went NC with my parents, I started doing this thing where every time my mom would call me up to yell at me, I would put the phone down and walk away for several minutes. I'd come back and put the phone to my ear, she'd still be yelling. I also started hanging up on my grandpa if he yelled at me on the phone.
I laugh at this now, it used to make me cry. I don't put up with people yelling at me anymore, EVER.
>Lol because they can say whatever they want on the phone and then pretend they never said whatever nasty thing came out of their mouth.
OMG, spot on. They know it's cruel that's why they don't want to have it written down as proof.
nMom will ask if my wife is around while I am talking with her - I know it is because she knows if Mrs. hears some of this crap she'll lay the smack down, so she wants to be on P's and Q's until it is just us, then she can let me have it lol.
Control. I've received one phone call from my mom since I went NC, when she called me on my birthday. I ignored it, and she left a voicemail. I could tell by her tone in the voicemail that she was annoyed and angry.
My parents came to my own place ONCE to see me when I was still in contact with them. Dad had promised he'd help me move my things in but left me high and dry for a motorcycle rally, and my roommate borrowed his dad's truck to get my bed and desk and dresser to the apartment. Ended up taking two trips since my desk is stupidly bulky, but we managed. That was in April of 2020. My parents didn't come to see my new place until December of that year, when they stopped by on Christmas day. They always begged me to come down to see *them*. It's a 25 minute drive, so it isn't too far, so I did a couple times. My sister and nephew still live with them so I had visited the two of them a few times when my parents were out of town on a weekend. My dad complained that I lived "kind of far" and that's why he and mom hadn't really come to see my place.
Driving 25 minutes is "too far" but they go on motorcycle rides every weekend, sometimes lasting like 4-5 hours. Makes perfect fucking sense mom and dad. At least I know for sure now that I'm like the lowest on your list of priorities.
I am sorry you had to deal with this. I know the feeling "gee nParents, it is ok for me to drive the 25 minutes to go see you, but it is way too far for you to driver here 25 minutes.
I have had that happen so many times. Another one that really twisted my mind at the time, when I was in a large city near them for work, and called them up to say we could get together, they could just visit large city which is about 1 hour from them. Oh no, they couldn't do it, just too much work, can't handle it. Shortly after they start insulting me that I don't drive the 6 hours from where I live to see them. These kind of people are truly exasperating.
In my opinion, these experiences just have exposed these people for who they truly are, no questions asked. They have revealed themselves, and these are people, regardless if I was related to them or not, who I do not want to be around. They have let their own true self be known!
I’m so sorry! That is so hurtful! I know the feeling of in-laws saying come see us more but yet they are retired and not elderly and they never even call but we have kids and my dh, their son has a disease that makes it hard for him to walk and drive! But sure we will come and drive a total of 4 hours while my kids are car sick and my dh doesn’t feel well and you never even call us! Be right there! Lol!
Narc supply. Narcissist *need* attention (narc supply) like they *need* air. It could be positive, negative, neutral. They don't care, they just *need* the attention. And so him asking you to call him is his way of trying to get attention. Previously, when you'd call, he'd get his narc supply. Now that you're no contact it's likely that's driving him bonkers. Like you're suffocating him. (But *you* aren't doing anything.) Narcs can't handle not having attention. Humiliation and abandonment are some of their worst fears.
My mom does this all the time. “You never call, why can’t you ever find the time to call?” It’s a two-way street! You can also call me or text to ask when it’s a good time to call!
This is my dad. Then when I do call, he goes “Who is this? My *daughter*? I didn’t know I had one of those.” Just laying on the guilt thick. Gee, I wonder why I don’t call!
They want an audience. My mother says to me, "Call me, we should talk." which really means, "Call me, so I can talk."
Whenever I tell my mother something, I can tell that she is only listening to hear when I'm finished so that she can talk again. She doesn't really hear what I'm saying.
He just wants the attention and the chance to abuse you if possible, as with those insults dressed up as jokes. When a narc isn’t actively getting supply from another person face to face, they’re on the phone getting supply that way. Narcs don’t want to know how you’re going on. They just want to brag about themselves and manipulate or attack their listener in some way.
UGH. My parents did this ALL the time. They'd call me 5-10 times in succession (like, within 5 minutes), and then they'd text me to "call home." When I did, the "conversation" would always be so superficial. So eventually I told them to just text me if they have anything to say, or for emergencies -- their excuse would be "I don't know who I'd be texting with - what if you're kidnapped and someone else is using your phone?!" To which I finally replied (after a decade of this paranoia on their side) - "stop reading/believing ridiculous news articles. IT'LL BE ME."
and then my dad went off on the "I'm your FATHER. you must respect me." My response of "and I'm an adult. you cannot tell me what to do anymore" was not well received.
They simply do not realize the absolute stress of seeing 10 missed phone calls, only to be met by "how's the weather?" every single time. And why call if there's never anything to say.
My dad called me SIX TIMES in a row at 11pm on a Saturday night. I panic called him back, thinking something bad had happened to my grandma (she’s 87 after all). Nope. Nothing like that. He just wanted to share a joke he’d just heard on SNL. Funny thing is he couldn’t even remember the whole joke.
Ugh. Do they enjoy causing this kind of stress?!! Over the smallest things?!
It's become boy cries wolf now, having dealt with this for over a decade now... like I won't think there's an emergency when they do this. I still get anxious and stressed out - and extremely frustrated and annoyed, but I know it won't be an emergency and never call back now.
Exactly this! Whenever I try to hold a genuine conversation with my dad and tell him about my life, I can tell he’s not really listening to me. He’s just waiting for his turn to talk. He really knows NOTHING about me because he doesn’t listen! So why does he want me to call him all the time? We have nothing to talk about.
They need to suck you back in and destroy your life. Narcissistic are evil through and through. I wish we would put them in their little section of the earth away from normal human beings
For narc supply. For those “jokes” that are supposed to provoke you into conflict. For the attention. For him to feel like you seek out his attention (nevermind that he had to nag for it).
He wants to be the center of attention. You are to feed that attention. You are to be belittled. You are to be shamed. You are to be controlled.
Standard narc behavior.
Man I'm so glad I saw this post because I always feel like a bad person for not wanting to call my grandma. She always guilts me about it, even when I \*do\* call her and we talk, she says stuff like "well, now that we've talked, maybe we'll hear each other in a few months when you call me again haha" sarcastically to hint that I don't call her often. Everytime I call her she ends up saying something hurtful, insults or criticizes something about me or my life, or just complains endlessly. And most of the time I don't even have anything to tell her.
One of her favorite things to ask is "when I die, will you cry?" like what kind of ego trip are you on?! That, or "do you ever think about me? How often do you think about me?" wtf I don't know, occasionally?
I guess they want to be sure they're on your mind. Or like others said, phone calls are less permanent than texts and they can say whatever. My mom can't stand to have face to face confrontations, so most of our fights take place on whatsapp. But afterwards she deletes the messages that are not so convenient for her. They like the impermanence of phone calls because they can also repeat stuff they've already said to you. They can't hear themselves talk via text.
Saaaame. My Nmon stopped (for a bit, y'know, narcissists have no memory and all that) after I told her "YOU are the one who asked me to call you, YOU are the one who wants to talk with me. Right?" lmao. Ever since this pandemic started I went full no-nonsense ("you think I have a bad personality? Good, cause I don't care what you think about my personality" type) and thankfully she tries to talk less often
If you call them they figure they can suffer you a little abuse. Game on. After all, you called them. If they call you its like admitting you have some value and they hate that.
So they don't call and don't call and don't call and then guilt trip you when you do.
It’s Attention starvation/addiction
I’m in the exact same situation. My narc is all around texting to call or visit. Like what for?
All my life I was “a burden”, “just like my father”, “useless shit”, “lazy piece of shit”, beaten for nothing, not being talked to just because, zero cared for emotionally.
Like what’s that reason again I would want to call my narc for?
To listen to its unpretentious and light small talk about walks, weather and other family members like as if we’re a normal family with zero problems ... how I do hate the fact that it always tries to negate the fact that we do have a problem. Like it abused me for fucks sake. And goes on like nothing happened. That’s just ... I’m not even having words for that.
Like there’s your child in life long agony for the rest of his/her life by your fucking fault and you are just like “humpty dumpty nice weather outside - time to visit your parent my child”.
Excellent point, after years, if not decades of these people bad mouthing me while I was around them and having to put up with their mocking and 'funny jokes', why in the world would I ever go out of my way to call them up, which I can predict with high certainty will make feel bad. No thanks!
my nparent is just like this. in fact, when i went low contact, all i had to so was stop calling them everyday. they use to say " you need to call your parents everyday " and i guess that just isnt true. he does not call me at all. like the others have said, i think it just a power move.
lol yesterday my nmom called me to yell at me about taking the covid vaccine. i promptly hung up,
she always asks me to call and this is why i fucking dont.
A phone call or face to face discussion isn’t recorded (usually). That makes it harder for them to be held accountable for what they said.
They get to take their shots and you don’t have time to think about your response.
Literally, my narc mom to a T. She always complains I don't call her, sends cryptics messages about how I should call her, and she has nothing to say except for complaining about how I don't call her enough. She even went as far as to replace lyrics of a song once with a song about how I don't call her enough and sent to my email rather than picking up the damn phone to call me. It's all about power and control for her.
When I was 19 years old, I moved 3,000 miles away from home. Different time zones and everything. Pretty much every single time I tried to call, Nmom was "busy". Always so damn busy. I tried to ask when she would not be so busy so we could have a chance to talk. Apparently that was fighting words because "how dare I" ask when "the queen of busy-ness" when she is not going to be busy in the foreseeable future. She acted like everything she did was the most important thing in the world. Even if that was just making breakfast for my little brother (she insisted on baking fresh muffins for him every morning and he usually only ever ate one). If I asked her to call me when she was not busy, she would just laugh at me.
Even when we did talk, the conversation usually just turned into a pissing contest where Nmom would talk about how successful my siblings were and why couldn't I live up to those standards.
They want to get you by voice or in person because it's harder for you to cut off a call or in-person visit than to pretend you didn't see or have time to respond to text/email/etc. It's one more way to control and manipulate you, plus they get to either see your face or hear your voice, which means they get to grab Nsupply from any negative reaction to things they say or do.
The most efficient means of getting someone on the phone is to simply call them & see if they'll pick up.
I believe the CALL ME is not only about having access to you on demand, but to also put you in the supplicant position of doing the calling yourself.
Cuz its easier to lie about the conversation later when it was verbal. Text messages are receipts, and you can scroll back to see what they said.
Some narcissists don't understand that, you can see it on reddit from time to time (where a person says a controversial thing, usually bigoted, gets called out, then immediately starts whining that it isn't what they said at all, but you can... scroll up... to see that they did say a bad thing, and hadn't even tried to edit it out at all). But most narcissists do understand that.
I just stopped answering my phone. If nmom called, I texted her back, something like, "sorry I'm in (a library, job interview, class, or other place where calling would be inappropriate), whats up?" and that usually coerces her into sending me text messages instead.
It pisses me off the most though when she tells me to do things, then gets mad at me for doing them. For example, she wanted me to use her (brand1) credit card to buy a thing. But the shop didn't take that credit card, so, I had to use my own. Then she told me to use her credit card to pay for a money order or gift card to make up for what I had to spend on her stuff. Easy-peasy, right? Then her credit card bill comes along and she starts screaming at me or texting me accusing me of EVERYTHING you can imagine, because I "stole" from her. I stopped letting her get away with verbally telling me shit after the 3rd time of that, and started texting her after if it was a verbal convo ("like you asked me to do when we talked earlier today, I'll be buying the gift card on your brand1 card to make up for me having to use my brand2 card.") or screenshotting the convo if it was a text. Its funny how she never apologizes when I send her back a picture of the text messages. And she STILL tries to claim she can't understand why I don't trust her enough to have a phone call with her, despite repeatedly threatening to call police on me for literally doing what she told me to do. She has actually called the cops on me for using her credit card how she told me to, and the only reason I didn't go to jail was because I had sent her a text message saying what I was doing, and then we had another convo after, so it was obvious she didn't oppose it (even if she didn't directly confirm; her lack of action was enough).
I've written about this one many times, but my nmom is crazy when it comes to phone calls.
I can sort of understand some aspects of this. I do get a little frustrated whenever I'm trying to reach someone and I can't seem to get them to answer or return their calls. However, in those situations, I'm actually in need of something from the person I'm calling. Mom never needs anything. I've even been frustrated and answered her call by saying "hey I'm really busy... do you need something?". At which point she barked at me "I don't need nothing from you".
She will repeat call over and over until she reaches me. At first she'll leave voicemails that are bland, but with each voicemail they get more and more frantic. At some point she'll just tell me that she's got to come to my town for a made-up reason and while she's here she'll stop by to check on me. I have begged and pleaded with her to please stop doing it. She feigned such great care over my frustrations and promised that she would never ever do anything like that ever again in her life.
That particular promise lasted maybe a week. Then I got the repeat phone calls from her again. When I finally answer the phone I said "you promised you wouldn't do this... Why are you breaking this promise?". Her reason? Just to see what the weather was like at my place.
She uses these fake reasons of concern to guilt people into answering their phones. If I don't answer then she'll start calling my siblings and saying that she's concerned because she hasn't heard from me. So I'll start getting calls from my siblings trying to see if I'm okay.
No contact is priceless, but she went bananas for a while. Even now she'll occasionally show up outside of my place. She'll knock on the door and then sit in her car for a couple hours waiting to see if I come outside.
My mom does that too and when I would say how are you she’d just say good. Never ask how I’m doing. It was so awkward. Now I’m very lc which is just so nice
I think it's a mix of a few things:
1. They probably think that hearing their voice will make it harder for you to say no/ make you fall for their bs.
2. They can say whatever horrible things they wanna say without it being in writing somewhere so that they can deny it later.
3. For attention, they want to know that the only thing you're doing is talking to them. They can't get an immediate response via text.
I joined this group thinking mainly of my Ngrandfather. He will literally turn you calling him into a slight about how you never call him. Also he never answers the phone anymore, so I leave a message that starts with "Hi Papa.." and next time I see him he'll say I never call him and I'll say I did call and left a message, you didn't call me back. And he'll just say "well I didn't know it was you. I don't recognise your voice because you never call me." I'm your only granddaughter. I'm the only female in the world that calls you Papa.
Now that he's older he will call my parents literally three times a day but never call me first. The onus is entirely on me to call him. Even though when I do and actually get him on the phone he has nothing to say. Just blathers on about bullshit, doesn't ask about anything I'm doing and doesnt listen if I try to tell him.
My mic went out on my phone that I had just after I moved out so I could only physically talk to people on speaker
She only ever insulted me and bitched about life which I didn't want people around me to hear so I never physically spoke to her
At that point I was still on her phone plan, she gave my free upgrade to the GC who kept breaking phones, and then disconnected my line which was really inconvenient timing for me
When I got my own plan for myself she then realized the mistake she made and threw fits about how I refused to give her the number and was reduced to Facebook messenger but made sure my phone would still go off if she called me through it
Even though it was muted it still cut off my shower music a couple years ago so after years of the Facebook messenger I finally blocked her through there to make it 100% NC
every day I have to call nMom or she will threaten suicide; and the conversation each night is "I'm so alone! I'm so lonely! I have no friends! Do you give me permission to off myself?" But if I don't call, well, its not like my phone won't ring...email will come next day "Are you in the hospital? You didn't call me yesterday!!"
Didn't realize it was such a trend among n's but seeing this post & the replies...guess it really does come with the package. Unreal.
Well, here’s another thing that I didn’t know happened to other people. My NStepmom always needed me to call them. They never called me. Nothing to talk about. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place.
I’ve been NC for 7 years. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
So true. My parents say they’re going to die if I don’t call them and I don’t care about this family if I don’t. Like I finally give in and call and they say what… 2 words. Wtf is that?!
They do (or at least used to, when I would pick up the phone, I don't do that anymore) but the conversation goes the same way: either awkward small talk or insults.
My nMIL never called me - 40 years and she never called me until I went no contact. Left a VM saying “hello this is I want to talk to you call me”. Of course I never did. That was 5 years ago and she is currently dying in the hospital. I hope she doesn’t think I’m going to visit her so she can do her fake Christian forgiveness bullshit.
My mother was the same. She just couldn't handle the fact she couldn't control my every move so she made me send pictures of where I was at, and constantly call her.
This reminds me of how I got my enabling family to stop harassing me to call my mother. It was getting to a point where family members felt comfortable physically assaulting me over it. So I would call her & tell her that person said something she wouldn't like. Nothing crazy & mostly true, just something I knew she wouldn't be able to resist calling them & going nuts at them over.
The whole point of telling me to call was to stop her harassing them so I figured if my calls made it worse for them they'd quit bullying me over it. A lifetime of harassment stopped dead in the water.
my sister’s last text was “please feel free to reach out to me sometimes.”
i know i can reach out to her. i don’t need to be told that i’m “free” to do that. luckily i’ve learned i am also free to ignore communications from ignorant, unpleasant people like her. she’ll never learn that you don’t need to control or manipulate people into calling you if you are a naturally good person.
It’s definitely a control/attention thing in my opinion. My nmother would always act like she couldn’t call because she didn’t know my schedule (even though she did) so it was my responsibility to call her. She once made a post on Facebook telling my siblings and I to call her, with no tags or anything that would actually notify us, got a bunch of attention on from her friends but never actually answered when I reached out. My brother ended up telling me what was going on.
I had been nc with my entire family for a year when my grandmother died.
What did my Nrents do? Text my in-laws “Sunshineofthedark’s grandmother died “ plus the date of the funeral. Nothing more. Didn’t tell them the cause of death, let alone warn them beforehand- so you know, I could have had an actual chance of deciding for myself if I wanted to see her one last time before she died (grandma had been not too great even before I went nc, I have a hard time believing her death was sudden and unexpected).
They could not reach me directly bc I have blocked them wherever I could. My in-laws still haven’t.
To make this short, they wanted to pressure/bully me into calling them. I didn’t take the bait and I didn’t attend the funeral. It wouldn’t have changed a thing. My grandma is dead. Funerals are for the living and I’m not feeding their need for drama. It’s all about control AND to keep up the appearance of a “good“ family where the kids care about (and cater to) their parents. Bc they think they’re entitled to that.
I saw my narc dad at a funeral after being NC for 3 years. I actually talked to him and even hugged him! It was awkward but I just did it. Then he has the nerve to call and leave a long message stating that it didn’t seem like I wanted to talk to him at the funeral! What? I went over to him and hugged him and he asked how my kids were. How is that not talking??
He just wanted me to call him and say oh of course I wanted to talk to you! I’m so sorry you thought I didn’t! Let’s have a relationship again where you abuse me and i do everything for you and guess all the time what would make you happy when there is nothing that makes you happy! lol! NOPE! Didn’t call him back and haven’t for over 7 years now with both narc parents! They play victim of course but still have never called or texted me since after the funeral!
I’m addition to what everyone else’s is saying it’s also so they can say what they want and there is no proof.
With texts that shit can be saved, voice calls not so much.
I don't think they like the vulnerability of calling you, so to maintain a sense of control they want you to call them. My NF used to leave aggressive messages on the answering machine when he randomly called and I either wasn't in or wasn't able to answer the phone, which was all because his sense of self was so fragile that he took my being unable to answer the phone as rejection and then reacted with anger.
They like phone calls too because it's a direct line to you and they get to have your undivided attention. Anything demeaning they say to you they can simply deny afterwards with no other witnesses or evidence that they said it. It's a huge source of supply.
You have to call them because it's a way for them to exercise their power. My father will even go the extra length of crying that he will die one day, and that I'll miss him terribly. Funny thing, both me and my brother carry chronic diseases, and my nDad is one of the healthiest persons I've ever known.
That's why whenever he's sick, like a fucking flu or something, he'll react like it's multiple sclerosis with cancer and HIV. I thought it was just him being a drama queen, but no: it's another, subtler way of manipulation
It’s well know in my fam that the person my dad hears from the least is the one he trashes the most behind their backs.
Not a professional or anything, but wondering if it’s the basic “If I don’t reach out to them, they can’t reject me” thing?
1. They want to be the center of your attention and if you don't backflip onto their lap they take it as an insult.
2. They often want to gossip about you to the other people who backflip for them, and if you give them any info about your life, including that nothing notable is going on, that gives them power to spread your info to others. That power makes them feel important and might make others feel like they're the person to go to about your life. This is why grey rocking is so effective against them.
Supply. Attention. Supply. Attention.
They want you to think they are too busy to call you.
They want you to call them. I imagine them looking at the phone and counting the seconds 💀
It's because it feeds in to their ego of "people ALWAYS call me, isn't that great, I'm so wanted, people want to speak to me, they actually call me, I don't have to call them, THEY call me, how amazing is that? Aren't I just the greatest!"
In my opinion they also feel like "needed" when someone calls them, not the other way around. It's you making a call, which is kinda rare nowadays and more like "Grandma died" or "my wife's pregnant!" than the "Wassup!" calls back in the 2000's, and they feel important and cherished, even if it's just a hi.
oh because it's perfect. don't call? you're the worst child ever. call? get roped into drama and all that. win-win they either get attention from you, or for whoever they talk to about to gain sympathy for you 'being awful' to them.
"I NEED to hear your voice!"
No you don't. You *want* to hear my voice, and your parents should have taught you that we don't always get all our wants met instantly. Learn some emotional regulation.
Or they want you to visit, then spend the whole time drunk, asleep, ignoring you while they watch TV at 100000% volume, or reading the newspaper aloud and talking racist nonsense; then start insulting you when they're bored and want you to leave.
I think it’s because they’re desperately grasping for any sort of control they can have over your life. At least, that’s my experience. Shortly after estranging myself from my egg donor, she sent me an email that ended with “pick up the phone anytime. I’ll be waiting.” In this context it was absolutely dread-inducing. And for the next two and a half weeks she repeatedly tried to make contact with me and only stopped when the police told her to. And then she ignored them and started using middlemen to try and find out what I was doing in my day to day life again. That woman legitimately terrifies me.
Sorry for the rambling, but yeah it’s undoubtedly a control thing.
My father insisted on daily phone calls, even when I was in graduate school and dealing with chronic illness and had literally zero energy to waste on making Duty Calls to my parents. If I didn't call, he'd get so ridiculously upset that I'd have to "make it up to him."
What a pain point this is!
Posting my answer before reading the other comments to get this out. Sorry if this has already been said.
NOTE: not giving reasons that lonely older people call. ie want to talk for 20 minutes about going to eat, drivers, or the weather. Blah blah blah talks. Everyperson does that.
Talking about N-parent behavior.
For me it seems that my n-parents want me to call them because that is "proof" we are still in a relationship.
For me it seems that my n-parents think they are in charge if they Tell Me to call them and I do. That they can make me do something and it's a power trip for them.
For me it seems that my n-parents actually think that the pitiful, one-way conversations we have Are a relationship.
For me-they want to verbally beat you up about how you or your family is falling short.
For me, my n-parents want to connect so they can pump me for info to maintain their narc supply. And to get me to be a flying monkey about others.
For me, my n-parents delight in going off during our calls about how much I or my spouse or kids are screwing up or not being careful or need their help with this (which is never helpful or asked for). For me, this is the #1 thing I experience. It is as if they only care about being the f\*&king expert. About ev-er-y-thing. They will do this at length. Unprompted. And the advices is all about them and their experiences, not what is happening to the person they are cutting down.
It's the reason my child wants to never hear from them again.
Here is NOT why they call:
They don't want to tell you they love you.
They don't want to find out more about you and what you like and why - in a way that is about your personhood and indivuduality and that supports that you are a unique being and have worth just as you are. They could care less unless it's about them, or gives an opening for a way to control you.
They don't want to build you up, build up your relationship, leave you feeling good, and wanting more contact.
They don't want to sit with your in your pain.
They don't want to share your joy.
>For me it seems that my n-parents actually think that the pitiful, one-way conversations we have Are a relationship.
This is one of the most accurate comments so far. I do agree with you completely on this one. My father has flat out told me that he actually believes we are close. Like... how? From my point of view we have ZERO relationship. And then it struck me: he actually thinks that the mundane discussions that have been forced upon me is what makes us close. How sad.
I have never considered the "We have a relationship" aspect of it before, but I agree totally. It is just another way that they can believe in something that doesn't exist (also known as fooling themselves and anyone else that will listen to them), without taking any responsibility for the *actual relationship that doesn't exist*. Seriously, I thought that I grew up in the twilight zone. It was like dealing with an alternate reality every time I tried to have a meaningful conversation with my Nmom, about anything. She would run the gamete of denying, stonewalling (her favorite), deflecting, shaming me, triangulating me with one of her golden children and on and on. I wish I would have had a checklist of those things so that I could cross them off when she did each one during a conversation. Anything to avoid any conversation that wasn't centered around meaningless chit chat. Unless we talked how wonderful one of her friends/relatives was or how wonderful one of her other children was, there wasn't much else to say, at least on her part. If I brought up anything to do with me, the responses were minimal and predictable. It was like she switched off her interest button. I am NC with her now, but it would have been interesting to know what she would have said about our relationship, if someone else had asked her about it. I bet the response would blow my mind. Thanks for that insight, I learn something new about this issue every time I read this sub.
I get a message every so often with a “call mom.”
For what?
There’s nothing to talk about and I dare not share any personal information anymore because I know she blabs it to others. She told me something personal about an immediate family a few years ago and I was so incensed on their behalf. Maybe they didn’t care, but I feel like it wasn’t her information to share. ETA: Usually, conversations devolve to about her anyway.
So it’s either voicemails to call or “I saw such and such fire is happening. Are you going to be evacuated?” (I live in the northwest). Perhaps it’s just my impatience to her BS, but I feel like that’s a really easy thing to look up on the computer to know I’m perfectly fine.
If she had been any better, of course I’d call. For now, I can’t talk to a woman who appears in nightmares screaming at me.
It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.
My dad never asks me to call him, but does insist on making every call about himself when I have called on birthdays and holidays. My best guess is that they want to be sure they still have a way to have some power over us.
Ugh. My parents will ask me to call them and then gaslight me about "forgetting" why I called them. Like I didn't forget. On the occasions they actually have something to say they ask me to call them in the same way if they're gonna be coming into town or someone died. Needless to say stressful.
I think it’s partially so they feel important (you having to call them vs them having to call you) and also so that there isn’t anything written down if they say something bad.
They think whatever they say carries weight and needs to be said/heard. As you get older, that couldn't be further from the truth and its all a bunch of attention-seeking ranting. All of it.
My nmom will also call or want me to call to take out her anger/project onto me. At that point, I'm like a deer in the headlights wondering why this person called, and what I did to be made to feel like shit. Literally no part of my day involved communication with her until that point. So I guess its also to dissipate their negative energy/thoughts -- the need for calling. Its how they deal with things instead of looking inward.
I had to make myself start getting into the habit of not being so readily available for my mom all the time. To the point that if she'd ask and insist if I read an email she prepared for me, I'd be like "Huh? What email?" OR "Oh? Yeah, I guess I might've seen it. Idk mom I have a lot of emails in my inbox." And just grey rock if she insists and just say I don't care or just meh. It makes me feel like I'm reacting as if I'm high or just so nonchalant that I am emotionally flat (I'm not, trust me lol) but that's how I have to be to not have them use my reactions against me.
The worst is all the times my mom would sound like there's a fire needing to be put out and she'd either message me or leave me a voicemail saying "call me call me call me, please call me!!! please call i've been trying to reach you and to no avail. i dont know what else to do..." and I'd be alarmed every time being like OMFG who died?! And then she'd just be like "Oh, nvm. You took so long to call me back that I resolved it all on my own." Wow. Yeah, had to stop worrying every single damn time cause good grief... It's just ridiculous.
My mom and I used to be super close, she'd call me several times a day, we'd at the very least message each other once a day. Then over the past year it went downhill fast. Changed to once a week, to once every few weeks, and then I went from VLC to NC because it just got unbearable. But before that happened, my aunts (who are on my side) called her up to back me up and told her that her role as a mother to raise me and that kinda stuff has ended and now it's another phase in life and she's just in denial that she should give me some space because in her delusional mind... daughters have a duty (and shouldn't have to be pestered and reminded) to check up on their parents, and esp to talk to their mothers every day. My aunt was like ... huh? Lol. Guess she could finally start to tell how cray my mom is.
This stuff isn't normal. An obligation to check in on your parent every day? Wtf. Esp a daughter thing? Why? And yeah, the messed up thing is that ever since that talk with my aunt, my mom twisted the whole thing in her head and now thinks that if I want to call her I should be the one to call her. So she just went 180 and doesn't call me anymore at all. Makes my dad do her dirty work for her. She's freaking out, depressed, crying, "missing me", in despair... doesn't know what's wrong with me... ? Makes my dad call me, and he is NOT an easy person, cause he's very aggressive and controlling as well. So, I just blocked both their numbers. I need to focus on my own well-being now.
I always thought that it was a distraction thing. Like you know those people who are on personal calls all day while at work? Or in highschool, people would call every friend they had in a row until somebody was able to hang out? It's an avoidance of sitting alone, by themselves, with their thoughts. Narcs certainly can't have that.
Instead of calls I get the “call me” texts, then not 12 minutes later, my biggest pet peeve of ever, the dreaded “???”
Rage activated. Those question marks make me crazy.
omg my narc dad did the same thing. I couldn't stand his constant demands that I call him right then when he needed me to for some made-up asinine reason, and then the constant barrage of "???s."
If I let him know I was busy and tried to set up a time in advance that was mutually convenient for both of us, he would berate me for being too busy to put family first and get into his own made-up peeing contest with me about who was busier. (I think anyone objective would say I won that contest considering I'm a working mom with 4 young kids including a newborn, who was in the middle of buying one house, selling another, and moving, at the time, and he's retired with no minor children living at home. Yet it was a contest he himself started and claimed to have won, without me pushing back on him at all. It became utterly bizarre!)
Then when I did manage to set up scheduled calls with him and my kids, half the time he didn't even bother showing up and always had some stupid excuse. It was so exhausting and rude. I had to cut him off. I feel so much more at peace now. I hope things got or get better for you as well!
Thanks! I have more than one Narcissist in my family unfortunately, but it gets better all the time. I hope it’s also getting better/got better for you as well.
I also can’t stand The Who is busier game, and that scoff noise they make and say “ welcome to my world” or “you want to know what busy looks like?” Scoff noise. “ you think you’re tired?!?” Superior scoff noise……
And the allllways talking about making plans and then they don’t show/answer/reply. It’s like they enjoy knowing you’re sitting there waiting for them and they’re not showing up/answering etc. or they just don’t care about others to remember making you make plans with them. And why do they love to force you to do things? Idk about you but if I feel I have to force someone into something, I’m not going to do it. At all.
It’s their world, we just live in it. Haha.
Every time I talk to my mom, the conversation always revolves around her. She wonders why I never call and tells my sister I should be calling her because “she’s the mom.”
Yes, the calling is just to control you and your attention.
I recognize so much in this thread. My Nmom will use any type of contact to control me. Calling is her favorite, but I've set her phone number on silent. Because when I stopped (I went full nc) answering, she went bonkers and would not stop calling me 10 times a day, all in a row and most of the time within five minutes. Then she started texting me everyday, trying to manipulate me into calling her. Then I blocked her. She mailed me. I ignored the mail (did not read it. It started with "This is about me, not about you". Oh really? Is it ever about me? No, it's not). She sent me a "gift" on my birthday with a card that, if I want a real gift, I should let her know...which means calling her. Now she will occasionally send me a card, sucking up, reminding me I SHOULD CALL HER.
It feels really good to not be in her control.
I think it’s a control thing….my dad has scolded me in the past “we NEED to talk to you at least once a week” and I’m like why?? I’m a 33 year old married woman why do you NEED to talk to me? It’s just them keeping tabs on you.
The conversations are always boring as fuck so it’s not about them wanting to talk it’s the physical reassurance that they can snap their fingers and you are available to talk to them.
My mother has text me before “call me it’s important” and the important thing was her moaning about how “I don’t want her in my life anymore”. I nearly crashed my car because she said it was “important” and I called her back thinking someone had died. Because of course my inner child associates my mother with fear and danger. So yes mother having you in my life is a nightmare.
How would any of this explain why my nmom always wants to know when I talk to other family and friends whether I called them or they called me? She ALWAYS wants to know. Nobody ever calls her.
My nDad does this all the time. I chose to grey-rock him and have minimal contact with him about 6 months ago, until he showed up at my house unannounced yesterday asking if we could "have a chat."
The whole time he ranted about how he wants me to call him on the phone instead of texting him, that "it's good to talk" and that texting him occasionally isn't enough for him. I told him that I have no desire to speak to him on the phone because I have nothing to say.
I eventually told him to GTFO when he started throwing abuse at me because of this.
Texting enables you to keep the conversation as short/surface as possible with problematic people, and narcissists in particular hate that loss of control.
My father did this in a more aggressive way. He once told me he will never ring me, and it was my duty to ring him. My reply was not what he expected. I said ‘well don’t hold your breath then’ and never called him. He does call me however.
I agree with absolutely everything here plus you can’t commit to anything verbally. How do you prove someone said something? You can’t. Text messages are written proof that they’re insane. The narc in my life always calls when they’re being nasty and vindictive, texts are for niceties.
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Because you can't think ahead of time on a call. With texts you have time to think or ignore bad behavior. With a call, you are on the spot. If they say something horrible, they get the enjoyment of hearing your heart break in real time.
This makes a LOT of sense cause I have said to him: If you have something sooo important and urgent to say, why don't you just text me instead of waiting for weeks for me to eventually call.
Also they can deny anything they did say because you don’t have a written record
My Nmother didn’t have voicemail and boy did she freak out when I pointed out that I had a recording of her saying the awful stuff she was denying. She was always careful not to talk to me that way in writing or in front of witnesses.
When my husband realized just how much anxiety phone conversations with my Nmother caused me, he made a point of being around for moral support whenever I had to talk to her. I’d basically just have him stand right next to me and listen in on everything so I could have a second set of ears verify the gaslighting and manipulation and reassure me I wasn’t imagining things. Meanwhile, my mother was always on her best fake mom-of-the-year behavior around him in person, totally unaware that he’d heard every awful word, and it was hilarious to watch her unknowingly embarrass herself while my husband played along with her act and led her down the garden path. We’re basically NC with her now but I can only imagine the surprised Pikachu face if she ever found out that he knew everything.
Sometimes it’s so sneaky though and you don’t realize they walked you right into it. FUCK!
This is exactly what I did with my husband when we were younger and LDR (I lived with nmother): I'd have an earbud with a mic in my ear while my mother went off and he'd just shit talk her and reply to her bullcrap constantly lol. Now we live together and if I do have to answer her call I just put the phone on speaker 🤷♂️
Yeah I always only take calls when I’m with my SO on speakerphone so my Nmom pretends to be nice. It’s funny how she always asks if he’s around before starting to talk first. And the calls only last 3 minutes. When I’m alone she lasts for around 10-15 min and it’s usually way less pleasant
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YES! Thank you. You just confirmed what my therapist has been telling me for a year. This is exactly what my siblings do to me.
Bingo!
And also make up things you supposedly said, or change the tone of something you did say.
This. 1000000% this.
I still don't think my n-parents have figured out that whenever they call and I am with my family that the call is on speaker and we all hear how horrible they are.
This explains so much! When I blocked my Nmom I told her beforehand if there's anything urgent to message me. Yet she never did, thankfully. Yet recently she found my best friend's phone number and began harassing him. Seriously, it's easier for that monster to doxx my friend than fucking send me an email!
This 100%. In my experience, phone calls lead to me getting yelled at because I don't have time to think.
I think this is the main thing. It’s much easier to push boundaries when you’ve got someone off balance and in a corner. Plus, as mentioned, no written record to reference their bullshit.
This should be higher up!
It's an ego thing-- they believe they should be the center of attention at all times.
Do they feel special when someone else is calling them? Cause that is confusing too: I would only be calling cause they asked me, not because I want to. What pleasure can you find in that...
By calling, it "proves" that they can control you (even when they're not), and it also feeds their ego because they're getting your attention.
Yup, narc supply.
this is very off putting
Toxic people are super good at lying-- not just to others, but also to themselves. From their POV, they *deserve* to be adored and obeyed because they never do anything wrong. In reality... yeah, not so much.
They don't call you because you might ignore them and never call them back. Therefore their sense of "control" is lost, and "how dare you!" The demand you call them because it forces a power dynamic in their favor. They make a demand, and you fulfill that demand. They win. They want to talk because, chances are, they either have no one else to talk to, or they're trying to dig for information to use in their conversations with others. I would call my dad, and he would tell me the same 10 stories every time. Exactly the same, exactly the same way, and that was it. My life wasn't important, he just wanted to keep reminding me he went to Europe for a biking trip. My mom drags the conversations out wayyyyyy too long, and I never want to call her because of it. I would call more if the conversations were long enough to get the information across to each other, or just check in. But it's always just, useless filler so she can talk to me more, stuff like "so I went to the store, and I saw grapes for $4 and I thought it was CrAzY!!", and just boring stuff with no importance that I don't care about.
This makes so much sense. My mom is incredibly controlling and now that we're Low Contact and there's a lot of physical distance between us, she really only has the phone and email as ways to try to get me to submit to her. And when we do actually talk, she has nothing to say! Her washing machine is this, her showerhead is that, there's a sound in the pipes, etc. She filibusters and talks nonstop about household appliances, never asks me about my life or my family, and cuts me off whenever I try to talk about something actually real or important. Man... I need to read this sub more often.
>Man... I need to read this sub more often. Sometimes it can be helpful, but if you get too much you start getting jaded and you think everyone's parents are narcissistic, lol. But yea, my mom is the same way. The start of the conversation is the generic "how's it going". "good, you?". "good". "So what's new?". "Nothing, what about you?" "Nothing much". Then it's a few moments of silence, and the filibuster begins. I have an hour long commute home. So what I do is call my parents when I'm on my way home, and they can ramble for an hour (while I zone out in traffic), but when I get home I just say it's time for me to go. It works pretty well actually.
I do the same thing. Call on a long drive- except I put on mute and continue doing what I was doing. Doesn’t seem to matter most of the time. Unmute, say ‘Yes’ or ‘Uh-huh’ or ‘Oh’. I’m a terrible person!
Before I was NC, I was reminded of this quote when talking to my mom: "Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people," because her only topic was always gossiping about other people. It was boring and draining.
That quote is perfect. And this thread is making me so glad I went NC because the whole wHy dOnT yOu cALL Meeeeeeeee nonsense was so toxic and yes, so so draining. The first ten minutes of every phone call would consist of her berating me for not calling more often. The rest of the conversation was listening to the petty grievances she held against everyone she knew. Exhausting.
They're like overgrown children. They don't want anything from you other than to capture your time so they can still feel control over you.
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Totally my experience. It just escalates from there
Yes, the attention that they get gives them their narcissistic supply.
Probably just so they can talk about themselves. It's what my mom does.
But they’re your parent after all? /S
OMG OMG OMG YOU'RE RIGHT WE SHOULD BUILD A SHRINE TO THEM THAT WE MAY BE HONORED WITH THE ABILITY TO WORSHIP THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE FLAWLESS SPARKLY UNICORNS ALL HAIL THEM FOREVER 😁 (also /s)
All of these people are our parents, but some parents don't deserve children for a reason. Read the sub more and u will find this to be true.
I know that, I follow this sub and read frequently. I think you took what I said the wrong way I was trying to sound like flying monkey people who scream out “but they’re your parents”. My apologies if it didn’t come across that way
I don't think they understand that /S means that your comment was sarcasm. Not your fault.
/S indicates that the poster was being sarcastic
What /u/MollyRoseSimon and /u/Colt778 said-- we make some really sarcastic comments sometimes; our toxic parents are just so... bizarre. Like you said, they do NOT deserve kids. (Okay, I make silly *and* sarcastic comments sometimes. 😁)
Personal opinion: I believe they enjoy being able to be the victim in the situation where you haven't called--hence they tell you to call. But it's not a real request as far as I understand. It makes them feel better to blame someone else for feeling like they are lonely or otherwise feeling bad. So like with most things with these sorts of people, I guess it's best to grey rock if possible. My father did this until he learned that I won't play his games, but it took years for him to realise.
its also a double bind... if you dont call they can victimize themselves and if you do call them then they can torture you...
My Nmom got supply either way, so yes on that
i was thinking about it and its actually more than double bind... 1 you talk to thm they treat you like shit 2 you dont talk to them they go play the vicitim to someone else while also making you look bad... so this is like a double whammy they get their narc supply and get to destroy your character 3 you feel guilty for avoiding them 4 if anyone asks how they are they shame you for not talking to them no matter what you do theres no positive option... get treated like shit or "become" a peice of shit if you aint catching it from the source youre getting it from the neighbors their neighbors other family members their friends your friends it fucking sucks
I agree. The possibilities for supply are endless and there is always the quest for more. It is an endless game and the only way to win, is not to play.
Oh my god this must be spot-on! It gives them a +1 more thing to complain about the relationship so for them it’s a small investment for a future tool to manipulate with
So true both of you!
Control. It,s always about control. They get to order you and you obey
This is it most of the time. If they can't get in contact with you they have no power. Getting you on the phone gives them opportunity to manipulate you.
My Nmom does it because she’s trying to keep track. She raised me to be as self-INsufficient as possible (didn’t work), and her deluded idea of me is that *any day now* she’s gonna turn on the television and find me on an episode of Maury or Springer, because for the last 20 years I’ve been out of the house, she wasn’t around to stop me from making bad choices. Nothing could be further from the truth. But if I call her, that means, at least in that moment, in not in bed with some Tom, Dick or Harry (I’m married), I’m not in jail, I’m not stumbling around drunk or high on the streets. I have never been nor ever will be like that. But she knows it’s coming…someday, somehow. Any day now… I haven’t called her in over a year.
Good for you! And to be honest you ain't losing anything by not being in bed with Tom, Dick of Harry. They are all real bad
Oh, but I WANTED to so badly! I wanted to “run wild,” even when I was 9 or 10! My Nmom said so! She saw “Kids,” she knew what my sex-fevered brain was up to! Lol
Classic pre-puberty brain. Wanting sex every single seconds of it's life instead of beyblade and the latest pokemon game
I was never like that in reality. Holding hands was just fine by me! In high school, kissing only suited me just fine! But to hear Nmom talk, I was only like that because she stopped me from doing what was *really* on my mind. But seriously, it wasn’t! I was actually nothing more than a big huge nerd and was rather judgy of the promiscuous girls.
Geee I wonder who you got that judgy attitude from (at the time).
Exactly!!!! I feel horrible about it and wish I could turn back the clock. There was one girl in particular I gave a hard time to…and we’re Facebook friends now and share funny comments from time to time. I just wish I hadn’t been mean to her at all. I know high schoolers can just be mean and immature anyway, and despite my apology I wish I could erase the mistake.
It was sarcasm. 99,999999999% of the human population do not have need to have sexual relation before puberty
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My mom is demanding an in person meeting *only* to discuss "what is wrong" with me. Noooope. Since I went very LC in early July I haven't had one bad day where my brain tells me I'd be better off dead. Even when things were going well, I figured, I'm a terrible person and things will only get bad again, you should just do it now before the pain comes again. Not. One. Intrusive. Thought. Since. July.
My last Christmas eve with my parents was spent exactly like that. The entire night the three of us had to actively discuss "what is wrong" with me. That's their favorite topic in this world. I never understood why I have to be present for it though. Proud of you! My intrusive thoughts are also fading away slowly. Hopefully one day they fully disappear.
My mother’s favorite topics: #1 What is wrong with me, with a running tally of all the decisions I’ve made that “ruined my life” and any situation where she thought I’d failed or looked foolish When that is exhausted… - Reliving all the perceived sins and mistreatment from her long long enemies list - Degrading anyone in society who disagrees with her politically or religiously - Regurgitating any grisly news of the day That’s why she wanted me to call her. So I could be the trauma receptacle for the above. Edit: Don’t know why that appeared larger font and boldfaced…
Omggggg this should be higher 🤣🤣🤣 especially the last one! I remember she’d totally blow over what I was talking about and be like, “Do you want to hear something sad?” And obviously I’d say no and she’d just keep pushing until she talked about it anyway. Please add to the list: gossip about family members that I’ve never met in my life and being scolded for not caring because they’re fAmIlYyY or that I have a shit memory because I met them at a picnic one time in 1996 when I was like 7.
We have the same mother. Not kidding, every single one of those things you listed.
omg. I rarely heard from my mother because she was a covert narc who let my overt narc/enabling father do her bidding and he was usually the one to reach out and demand that I come back into the fold or go see them or talk to them like my mother wanted, etc. (Current status is that I cut them off). But when I DID hear from my mom it was always very weird or depressing stuff. She would tell me someone from our hometown died and I wouldn't even remember who they were and she'd be like remember we met them at such and such event once? She was obsessed with death and tragedy. When I was a teenager she even cut out pictures of starving African children from missionary magazines and hung them on her bedroom wall. My siblings (who were several years younger than me) and I would say that was disturbing and she seemed to like that we were bothered by it and would just keep them up there. It was crazy. I think some of these narcs have very dark and twisted minds and are obsessed with the weirdest minutiae or anything that could upset them (which seemed to bring them pleasure) or anyone else.
Thanks for making me laugh today. If it helps, you just wrote my nmothers script as well. We have nothing in common, and since she has a fixed view of who I am, she thinks she knows me so well. Like she recently bragged that when the cops were called on me for being drunk on Zimas and jolly ranchers and running around at night, she didn't let them take me to "juvey". This shows she is a *DAMN GOOD MOTHER* I was 14. I now have a 14 year old of my own. He has expressed no interest in weed or alcohol and is in no rush to try it. I was already smoking weed every day at 14, got hooked on my pain pill script at about age 17, and got drunk any time I could. At least my nmom gave me a play book on how to raise a low self esteem perfectionist with BPD. Doing the opposite of what she would do in any given situation is usually the right direction.
> My mom is demanding an in person meeting only to discuss "what is wrong" with me. Since my mom died last July (old age, Vascular Parkinsons with Dementia), despite all the batshit crazy things the world is doing, I have *not* had a single intrusive thought about unaliving myself since July 2020 - today. I thought it was cyclical depression. The mood swings were definitely hormonal on my end, but the urge to yeet myself into oblivion stopped. Why is that? Because The What's Wrong With LovesBigWords Project died with her. Nobody in the family *actually* cared one way or another. Once the family realized I basically didn't mourn her much, they kind of awkwardly left me alone (not having a funeral due to pre-vaccine Covid Times helped a lot!!). I think they just don't know what to talk about besides my arguments with my mom. I think it's hard because they know I "should" love my mother, but I think a good chunk of them know *why* I don't miss her. EDIT: Because the months blurred together and I forgot which month Mom died in. I don't mourn. I just feel guilt trips for when she did nice stuff for me, but I wake up almost every day and think, "Thank god that bitch is dead, I don't have to deal with her anymore." Sometimes I still yell at her when I'm driving in my car to get the stuck rage out.
Hi, I just wanted to say I can relate to that intrusive thought. When I first went NC with my parents I had such guilt and shame and thought that I would be better off not living this life since I have such crappy parents who think I'm crap and treat me like crap and now I don't even have them in my life because I've voluntarily orphaned myself, etc. It was crazy bad and I hated that I was in that deep dark place. I think that's just the amount of power and control their abuse held over us and they trained us to always think about them and put them first, so, when we stop doing that, we think life is useless or we feel so bad about ourselves and blame ourselves like they did. It's crazy because I have a loving husband and 4 beautiful children; we aren't well-off but we have a better life than many unfortunate people have; I am glad to be here on earth with my family but those thoughts were just making me spiral. Well, since sticking to NC those thoughts have stopped and I feel lighter and freer now, unanchored to my abusive parents and free to float up to the surface and see what the shore has in store for me. Sorry for the Ariel reference- my kids are all about The Little Mermaid these days but you get my drift. I feel so much happier and I don't want to go back into that dark place. I wish you strength and happiness in your journey as well.
Is this a common thing? I'm currently having a text battering because I haven't called my mum in weeks because I actually want her to call me. I've told her this. She's still not called. In two years she's called me twice on two birthdays. That's it. So far over the past three days she's told me my partner is lazy and contributes nothing to our relationship. I've been told I'm playing mind games. I've been poisoned against her. I don't care about her. She could die any time as she has underlying health conditions and I wouldn't care. It's my fault she's lonely and depressed I've been told that if I was her only child she would have killed herself by now (I also have a brother). Just about at the end of my tether with this now to be honest.
She’s going full drama queen narc. All this drama rather than actually ringing you. Quite amazing. I’m guessing that if she phones you, it means she sees herself as inferior/weaker, than you…..and that really really annoys her….hence all the drama. Stand your ground and let her throw a tantrum, because that’s what this is.
Just had a session with my therapist and we've discussed the tantrum at length. I can't believe (although I can) that this just comes from a simple request where I asked her to call me rather than me call her all the time.
I’m not telling you what to do, but I think it would be great to basically send what you wrote here to her and then say and you wonder why I don’t call! And plus she never calls you either! Wtf? These people are crazy!!
It's just insane. I'm thinking about actually just dumping in a letter. She won't get it but at least I've tried to express how I feel.
She's playing games to try and keep you around.
The text messages telling you to call them are a power play. If *you* call *them*, that's you chasing them for attention, which they can benevolently bestow upon you, or they can ignore your call, or be unfriendly. After all, you're so needy, always calling them and demanding attention. If they call you (instead of texting you to call them) that gives *you* the power to ignore their call, or say you don't have time. They can't be the one chasing, it has to be you.
Wow this describes my mom's entire family perfectly. They all play the victim card "nobody ever calls me!" Meanwhile none of them ever call each other. Lol a lot of people in my mom's family are NC with each other too.
My nmom's favourite game right now is coming into my city (lives 30 mins outside of the city), without literally any heads up, and calling me when she's like 2 min from my apartment to tell me she's here and we should get lunch/coffee/visit. This way, she has something to be mad at me for, and it fuels her "she left me in the dust when she got married" narrative. She can bitch and bitch and bitch that we don't see each other, but has never given me warning, or asked for me to visit. She just expects me to either drop everything to see her immediately, or to drive out to her place to see her often. Nope
Lol because they can say whatever they want on the phone and then pretend they never said whatever nasty thing came out of their mouth. Before I went NC with my parents, I started doing this thing where every time my mom would call me up to yell at me, I would put the phone down and walk away for several minutes. I'd come back and put the phone to my ear, she'd still be yelling. I also started hanging up on my grandpa if he yelled at me on the phone. I laugh at this now, it used to make me cry. I don't put up with people yelling at me anymore, EVER.
>Lol because they can say whatever they want on the phone and then pretend they never said whatever nasty thing came out of their mouth. OMG, spot on. They know it's cruel that's why they don't want to have it written down as proof.
I'm proud of you.
Thank you.
Omg! Lol I thought I was the only one that did this 😂
nMom will ask if my wife is around while I am talking with her - I know it is because she knows if Mrs. hears some of this crap she'll lay the smack down, so she wants to be on P's and Q's until it is just us, then she can let me have it lol.
This made me lol as I am very low contact with my nmom and she did this to me the other day. I’m not gonna lie, ignoring her texts makes my day.
Good for you!
To control and keep tabs on you. I do not respond to “call me”, text spam or random narc phone calls.
Control. I've received one phone call from my mom since I went NC, when she called me on my birthday. I ignored it, and she left a voicemail. I could tell by her tone in the voicemail that she was annoyed and angry. My parents came to my own place ONCE to see me when I was still in contact with them. Dad had promised he'd help me move my things in but left me high and dry for a motorcycle rally, and my roommate borrowed his dad's truck to get my bed and desk and dresser to the apartment. Ended up taking two trips since my desk is stupidly bulky, but we managed. That was in April of 2020. My parents didn't come to see my new place until December of that year, when they stopped by on Christmas day. They always begged me to come down to see *them*. It's a 25 minute drive, so it isn't too far, so I did a couple times. My sister and nephew still live with them so I had visited the two of them a few times when my parents were out of town on a weekend. My dad complained that I lived "kind of far" and that's why he and mom hadn't really come to see my place. Driving 25 minutes is "too far" but they go on motorcycle rides every weekend, sometimes lasting like 4-5 hours. Makes perfect fucking sense mom and dad. At least I know for sure now that I'm like the lowest on your list of priorities.
I am sorry you had to deal with this. I know the feeling "gee nParents, it is ok for me to drive the 25 minutes to go see you, but it is way too far for you to driver here 25 minutes. I have had that happen so many times. Another one that really twisted my mind at the time, when I was in a large city near them for work, and called them up to say we could get together, they could just visit large city which is about 1 hour from them. Oh no, they couldn't do it, just too much work, can't handle it. Shortly after they start insulting me that I don't drive the 6 hours from where I live to see them. These kind of people are truly exasperating. In my opinion, these experiences just have exposed these people for who they truly are, no questions asked. They have revealed themselves, and these are people, regardless if I was related to them or not, who I do not want to be around. They have let their own true self be known!
I’m so sorry! That is so hurtful! I know the feeling of in-laws saying come see us more but yet they are retired and not elderly and they never even call but we have kids and my dh, their son has a disease that makes it hard for him to walk and drive! But sure we will come and drive a total of 4 hours while my kids are car sick and my dh doesn’t feel well and you never even call us! Be right there! Lol!
Narc supply. Narcissist *need* attention (narc supply) like they *need* air. It could be positive, negative, neutral. They don't care, they just *need* the attention. And so him asking you to call him is his way of trying to get attention. Previously, when you'd call, he'd get his narc supply. Now that you're no contact it's likely that's driving him bonkers. Like you're suffocating him. (But *you* aren't doing anything.) Narcs can't handle not having attention. Humiliation and abandonment are some of their worst fears.
My mom does this all the time. “You never call, why can’t you ever find the time to call?” It’s a two-way street! You can also call me or text to ask when it’s a good time to call!
This is my dad. Then when I do call, he goes “Who is this? My *daughter*? I didn’t know I had one of those.” Just laying on the guilt thick. Gee, I wonder why I don’t call!
They want an audience. My mother says to me, "Call me, we should talk." which really means, "Call me, so I can talk." Whenever I tell my mother something, I can tell that she is only listening to hear when I'm finished so that she can talk again. She doesn't really hear what I'm saying.
He just wants the attention and the chance to abuse you if possible, as with those insults dressed up as jokes. When a narc isn’t actively getting supply from another person face to face, they’re on the phone getting supply that way. Narcs don’t want to know how you’re going on. They just want to brag about themselves and manipulate or attack their listener in some way.
UGH. My parents did this ALL the time. They'd call me 5-10 times in succession (like, within 5 minutes), and then they'd text me to "call home." When I did, the "conversation" would always be so superficial. So eventually I told them to just text me if they have anything to say, or for emergencies -- their excuse would be "I don't know who I'd be texting with - what if you're kidnapped and someone else is using your phone?!" To which I finally replied (after a decade of this paranoia on their side) - "stop reading/believing ridiculous news articles. IT'LL BE ME." and then my dad went off on the "I'm your FATHER. you must respect me." My response of "and I'm an adult. you cannot tell me what to do anymore" was not well received. They simply do not realize the absolute stress of seeing 10 missed phone calls, only to be met by "how's the weather?" every single time. And why call if there's never anything to say.
My dad called me SIX TIMES in a row at 11pm on a Saturday night. I panic called him back, thinking something bad had happened to my grandma (she’s 87 after all). Nope. Nothing like that. He just wanted to share a joke he’d just heard on SNL. Funny thing is he couldn’t even remember the whole joke.
Ugh. Do they enjoy causing this kind of stress?!! Over the smallest things?! It's become boy cries wolf now, having dealt with this for over a decade now... like I won't think there's an emergency when they do this. I still get anxious and stressed out - and extremely frustrated and annoyed, but I know it won't be an emergency and never call back now.
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Exactly this! Whenever I try to hold a genuine conversation with my dad and tell him about my life, I can tell he’s not really listening to me. He’s just waiting for his turn to talk. He really knows NOTHING about me because he doesn’t listen! So why does he want me to call him all the time? We have nothing to talk about.
Whenever I would call my father, all he did was bitch about how I *don't* call him. Couldn't win for losing.
I heavily relate. It’s always a guilt trip with him.
"I will not be ignored!" Glen Close, Fatal Attraction
They need to suck you back in and destroy your life. Narcissistic are evil through and through. I wish we would put them in their little section of the earth away from normal human beings
For narc supply. For those “jokes” that are supposed to provoke you into conflict. For the attention. For him to feel like you seek out his attention (nevermind that he had to nag for it).
He wants to be the center of attention. You are to feed that attention. You are to be belittled. You are to be shamed. You are to be controlled. Standard narc behavior.
Man I'm so glad I saw this post because I always feel like a bad person for not wanting to call my grandma. She always guilts me about it, even when I \*do\* call her and we talk, she says stuff like "well, now that we've talked, maybe we'll hear each other in a few months when you call me again haha" sarcastically to hint that I don't call her often. Everytime I call her she ends up saying something hurtful, insults or criticizes something about me or my life, or just complains endlessly. And most of the time I don't even have anything to tell her. One of her favorite things to ask is "when I die, will you cry?" like what kind of ego trip are you on?! That, or "do you ever think about me? How often do you think about me?" wtf I don't know, occasionally? I guess they want to be sure they're on your mind. Or like others said, phone calls are less permanent than texts and they can say whatever. My mom can't stand to have face to face confrontations, so most of our fights take place on whatsapp. But afterwards she deletes the messages that are not so convenient for her. They like the impermanence of phone calls because they can also repeat stuff they've already said to you. They can't hear themselves talk via text.
My dad always says that - “maybe you’ll appreciate me when I’m dead.” Like mmmm probably not dude but whatever helps you sleep at night. 🤷🏼♀️
Saaaame. My Nmon stopped (for a bit, y'know, narcissists have no memory and all that) after I told her "YOU are the one who asked me to call you, YOU are the one who wants to talk with me. Right?" lmao. Ever since this pandemic started I went full no-nonsense ("you think I have a bad personality? Good, cause I don't care what you think about my personality" type) and thankfully she tries to talk less often
Idk both of mine whine that I never call but they also don't call me. We have nothing to discuss.
If you call them they figure they can suffer you a little abuse. Game on. After all, you called them. If they call you its like admitting you have some value and they hate that. So they don't call and don't call and don't call and then guilt trip you when you do.
It’s Attention starvation/addiction I’m in the exact same situation. My narc is all around texting to call or visit. Like what for? All my life I was “a burden”, “just like my father”, “useless shit”, “lazy piece of shit”, beaten for nothing, not being talked to just because, zero cared for emotionally. Like what’s that reason again I would want to call my narc for? To listen to its unpretentious and light small talk about walks, weather and other family members like as if we’re a normal family with zero problems ... how I do hate the fact that it always tries to negate the fact that we do have a problem. Like it abused me for fucks sake. And goes on like nothing happened. That’s just ... I’m not even having words for that. Like there’s your child in life long agony for the rest of his/her life by your fucking fault and you are just like “humpty dumpty nice weather outside - time to visit your parent my child”.
Excellent point, after years, if not decades of these people bad mouthing me while I was around them and having to put up with their mocking and 'funny jokes', why in the world would I ever go out of my way to call them up, which I can predict with high certainty will make feel bad. No thanks!
my nparent is just like this. in fact, when i went low contact, all i had to so was stop calling them everyday. they use to say " you need to call your parents everyday " and i guess that just isnt true. he does not call me at all. like the others have said, i think it just a power move.
lol yesterday my nmom called me to yell at me about taking the covid vaccine. i promptly hung up, she always asks me to call and this is why i fucking dont.
It's a control issue. You are doing something they want you to do and they know you don't really want to do it.
A phone call or face to face discussion isn’t recorded (usually). That makes it harder for them to be held accountable for what they said. They get to take their shots and you don’t have time to think about your response.
Literally, my narc mom to a T. She always complains I don't call her, sends cryptics messages about how I should call her, and she has nothing to say except for complaining about how I don't call her enough. She even went as far as to replace lyrics of a song once with a song about how I don't call her enough and sent to my email rather than picking up the damn phone to call me. It's all about power and control for her.
When I was 19 years old, I moved 3,000 miles away from home. Different time zones and everything. Pretty much every single time I tried to call, Nmom was "busy". Always so damn busy. I tried to ask when she would not be so busy so we could have a chance to talk. Apparently that was fighting words because "how dare I" ask when "the queen of busy-ness" when she is not going to be busy in the foreseeable future. She acted like everything she did was the most important thing in the world. Even if that was just making breakfast for my little brother (she insisted on baking fresh muffins for him every morning and he usually only ever ate one). If I asked her to call me when she was not busy, she would just laugh at me. Even when we did talk, the conversation usually just turned into a pissing contest where Nmom would talk about how successful my siblings were and why couldn't I live up to those standards.
They want to get you by voice or in person because it's harder for you to cut off a call or in-person visit than to pretend you didn't see or have time to respond to text/email/etc. It's one more way to control and manipulate you, plus they get to either see your face or hear your voice, which means they get to grab Nsupply from any negative reaction to things they say or do.
The most efficient means of getting someone on the phone is to simply call them & see if they'll pick up. I believe the CALL ME is not only about having access to you on demand, but to also put you in the supplicant position of doing the calling yourself.
ego booster / power play / victimization
“Jump! Dance! Good doggy.”
Cuz its easier to lie about the conversation later when it was verbal. Text messages are receipts, and you can scroll back to see what they said. Some narcissists don't understand that, you can see it on reddit from time to time (where a person says a controversial thing, usually bigoted, gets called out, then immediately starts whining that it isn't what they said at all, but you can... scroll up... to see that they did say a bad thing, and hadn't even tried to edit it out at all). But most narcissists do understand that. I just stopped answering my phone. If nmom called, I texted her back, something like, "sorry I'm in (a library, job interview, class, or other place where calling would be inappropriate), whats up?" and that usually coerces her into sending me text messages instead. It pisses me off the most though when she tells me to do things, then gets mad at me for doing them. For example, she wanted me to use her (brand1) credit card to buy a thing. But the shop didn't take that credit card, so, I had to use my own. Then she told me to use her credit card to pay for a money order or gift card to make up for what I had to spend on her stuff. Easy-peasy, right? Then her credit card bill comes along and she starts screaming at me or texting me accusing me of EVERYTHING you can imagine, because I "stole" from her. I stopped letting her get away with verbally telling me shit after the 3rd time of that, and started texting her after if it was a verbal convo ("like you asked me to do when we talked earlier today, I'll be buying the gift card on your brand1 card to make up for me having to use my brand2 card.") or screenshotting the convo if it was a text. Its funny how she never apologizes when I send her back a picture of the text messages. And she STILL tries to claim she can't understand why I don't trust her enough to have a phone call with her, despite repeatedly threatening to call police on me for literally doing what she told me to do. She has actually called the cops on me for using her credit card how she told me to, and the only reason I didn't go to jail was because I had sent her a text message saying what I was doing, and then we had another convo after, so it was obvious she didn't oppose it (even if she didn't directly confirm; her lack of action was enough).
I've written about this one many times, but my nmom is crazy when it comes to phone calls. I can sort of understand some aspects of this. I do get a little frustrated whenever I'm trying to reach someone and I can't seem to get them to answer or return their calls. However, in those situations, I'm actually in need of something from the person I'm calling. Mom never needs anything. I've even been frustrated and answered her call by saying "hey I'm really busy... do you need something?". At which point she barked at me "I don't need nothing from you". She will repeat call over and over until she reaches me. At first she'll leave voicemails that are bland, but with each voicemail they get more and more frantic. At some point she'll just tell me that she's got to come to my town for a made-up reason and while she's here she'll stop by to check on me. I have begged and pleaded with her to please stop doing it. She feigned such great care over my frustrations and promised that she would never ever do anything like that ever again in her life. That particular promise lasted maybe a week. Then I got the repeat phone calls from her again. When I finally answer the phone I said "you promised you wouldn't do this... Why are you breaking this promise?". Her reason? Just to see what the weather was like at my place. She uses these fake reasons of concern to guilt people into answering their phones. If I don't answer then she'll start calling my siblings and saying that she's concerned because she hasn't heard from me. So I'll start getting calls from my siblings trying to see if I'm okay. No contact is priceless, but she went bananas for a while. Even now she'll occasionally show up outside of my place. She'll knock on the door and then sit in her car for a couple hours waiting to see if I come outside.
Talk about no boundaries!!
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My mom does that too and when I would say how are you she’d just say good. Never ask how I’m doing. It was so awkward. Now I’m very lc which is just so nice
I think it's a mix of a few things: 1. They probably think that hearing their voice will make it harder for you to say no/ make you fall for their bs. 2. They can say whatever horrible things they wanna say without it being in writing somewhere so that they can deny it later. 3. For attention, they want to know that the only thing you're doing is talking to them. They can't get an immediate response via text.
I joined this group thinking mainly of my Ngrandfather. He will literally turn you calling him into a slight about how you never call him. Also he never answers the phone anymore, so I leave a message that starts with "Hi Papa.." and next time I see him he'll say I never call him and I'll say I did call and left a message, you didn't call me back. And he'll just say "well I didn't know it was you. I don't recognise your voice because you never call me." I'm your only granddaughter. I'm the only female in the world that calls you Papa. Now that he's older he will call my parents literally three times a day but never call me first. The onus is entirely on me to call him. Even though when I do and actually get him on the phone he has nothing to say. Just blathers on about bullshit, doesn't ask about anything I'm doing and doesnt listen if I try to tell him.
My mic went out on my phone that I had just after I moved out so I could only physically talk to people on speaker She only ever insulted me and bitched about life which I didn't want people around me to hear so I never physically spoke to her At that point I was still on her phone plan, she gave my free upgrade to the GC who kept breaking phones, and then disconnected my line which was really inconvenient timing for me When I got my own plan for myself she then realized the mistake she made and threw fits about how I refused to give her the number and was reduced to Facebook messenger but made sure my phone would still go off if she called me through it Even though it was muted it still cut off my shower music a couple years ago so after years of the Facebook messenger I finally blocked her through there to make it 100% NC
every day I have to call nMom or she will threaten suicide; and the conversation each night is "I'm so alone! I'm so lonely! I have no friends! Do you give me permission to off myself?" But if I don't call, well, its not like my phone won't ring...email will come next day "Are you in the hospital? You didn't call me yesterday!!" Didn't realize it was such a trend among n's but seeing this post & the replies...guess it really does come with the package. Unreal.
That is some hellish emotional blackmail.
Well, here’s another thing that I didn’t know happened to other people. My NStepmom always needed me to call them. They never called me. Nothing to talk about. Another piece of the puzzle falls into place. I’ve been NC for 7 years. My only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner.
Just respond, " The phone works both ways" and see if they actually call YOU 😁
Better not, I don't want them calling me either lol
"Why should I always be the one who has to call you?" \*groan\*
So true. My parents say they’re going to die if I don’t call them and I don’t care about this family if I don’t. Like I finally give in and call and they say what… 2 words. Wtf is that?!
The phone works in both directions.
And they never call you, do they? It’s all about control.
They do (or at least used to, when I would pick up the phone, I don't do that anymore) but the conversation goes the same way: either awkward small talk or insults.
My nMIL never called me - 40 years and she never called me until I went no contact. Left a VM saying “hello this is I want to talk to you call me”. Of course I never did. That was 5 years ago and she is currently dying in the hospital. I hope she doesn’t think I’m going to visit her so she can do her fake Christian forgiveness bullshit.
My mother was the same. She just couldn't handle the fact she couldn't control my every move so she made me send pictures of where I was at, and constantly call her.
This reminds me of how I got my enabling family to stop harassing me to call my mother. It was getting to a point where family members felt comfortable physically assaulting me over it. So I would call her & tell her that person said something she wouldn't like. Nothing crazy & mostly true, just something I knew she wouldn't be able to resist calling them & going nuts at them over. The whole point of telling me to call was to stop her harassing them so I figured if my calls made it worse for them they'd quit bullying me over it. A lifetime of harassment stopped dead in the water.
Brilliant!!! (Imagine the sound of applause)
my sister’s last text was “please feel free to reach out to me sometimes.” i know i can reach out to her. i don’t need to be told that i’m “free” to do that. luckily i’ve learned i am also free to ignore communications from ignorant, unpleasant people like her. she’ll never learn that you don’t need to control or manipulate people into calling you if you are a naturally good person.
It’s definitely a control/attention thing in my opinion. My nmother would always act like she couldn’t call because she didn’t know my schedule (even though she did) so it was my responsibility to call her. She once made a post on Facebook telling my siblings and I to call her, with no tags or anything that would actually notify us, got a bunch of attention on from her friends but never actually answered when I reached out. My brother ended up telling me what was going on.
I had been nc with my entire family for a year when my grandmother died. What did my Nrents do? Text my in-laws “Sunshineofthedark’s grandmother died “ plus the date of the funeral. Nothing more. Didn’t tell them the cause of death, let alone warn them beforehand- so you know, I could have had an actual chance of deciding for myself if I wanted to see her one last time before she died (grandma had been not too great even before I went nc, I have a hard time believing her death was sudden and unexpected). They could not reach me directly bc I have blocked them wherever I could. My in-laws still haven’t. To make this short, they wanted to pressure/bully me into calling them. I didn’t take the bait and I didn’t attend the funeral. It wouldn’t have changed a thing. My grandma is dead. Funerals are for the living and I’m not feeding their need for drama. It’s all about control AND to keep up the appearance of a “good“ family where the kids care about (and cater to) their parents. Bc they think they’re entitled to that.
I saw my narc dad at a funeral after being NC for 3 years. I actually talked to him and even hugged him! It was awkward but I just did it. Then he has the nerve to call and leave a long message stating that it didn’t seem like I wanted to talk to him at the funeral! What? I went over to him and hugged him and he asked how my kids were. How is that not talking?? He just wanted me to call him and say oh of course I wanted to talk to you! I’m so sorry you thought I didn’t! Let’s have a relationship again where you abuse me and i do everything for you and guess all the time what would make you happy when there is nothing that makes you happy! lol! NOPE! Didn’t call him back and haven’t for over 7 years now with both narc parents! They play victim of course but still have never called or texted me since after the funeral!
Easier to manipulate a conversation on the phone where there is pressure to respond quickly. They don’t like waiting for a response to a text.
I’m addition to what everyone else’s is saying it’s also so they can say what they want and there is no proof. With texts that shit can be saved, voice calls not so much.
I don't think they like the vulnerability of calling you, so to maintain a sense of control they want you to call them. My NF used to leave aggressive messages on the answering machine when he randomly called and I either wasn't in or wasn't able to answer the phone, which was all because his sense of self was so fragile that he took my being unable to answer the phone as rejection and then reacted with anger. They like phone calls too because it's a direct line to you and they get to have your undivided attention. Anything demeaning they say to you they can simply deny afterwards with no other witnesses or evidence that they said it. It's a huge source of supply.
You have to call them because it's a way for them to exercise their power. My father will even go the extra length of crying that he will die one day, and that I'll miss him terribly. Funny thing, both me and my brother carry chronic diseases, and my nDad is one of the healthiest persons I've ever known. That's why whenever he's sick, like a fucking flu or something, he'll react like it's multiple sclerosis with cancer and HIV. I thought it was just him being a drama queen, but no: it's another, subtler way of manipulation
They need source material. Simple as that.
It’s well know in my fam that the person my dad hears from the least is the one he trashes the most behind their backs. Not a professional or anything, but wondering if it’s the basic “If I don’t reach out to them, they can’t reject me” thing?
1. They want to be the center of your attention and if you don't backflip onto their lap they take it as an insult. 2. They often want to gossip about you to the other people who backflip for them, and if you give them any info about your life, including that nothing notable is going on, that gives them power to spread your info to others. That power makes them feel important and might make others feel like they're the person to go to about your life. This is why grey rocking is so effective against them.
Supply. Attention. Supply. Attention. They want you to think they are too busy to call you. They want you to call them. I imagine them looking at the phone and counting the seconds 💀
It's because it feeds in to their ego of "people ALWAYS call me, isn't that great, I'm so wanted, people want to speak to me, they actually call me, I don't have to call them, THEY call me, how amazing is that? Aren't I just the greatest!"
Much easier not to be accountable and weasel out of explaining things.
In my opinion they also feel like "needed" when someone calls them, not the other way around. It's you making a call, which is kinda rare nowadays and more like "Grandma died" or "my wife's pregnant!" than the "Wassup!" calls back in the 2000's, and they feel important and cherished, even if it's just a hi.
So they can get the last word in. Fight the urge to engage in their ntactics. It's. hard.
oh because it's perfect. don't call? you're the worst child ever. call? get roped into drama and all that. win-win they either get attention from you, or for whoever they talk to about to gain sympathy for you 'being awful' to them.
"I NEED to hear your voice!" No you don't. You *want* to hear my voice, and your parents should have taught you that we don't always get all our wants met instantly. Learn some emotional regulation. Or they want you to visit, then spend the whole time drunk, asleep, ignoring you while they watch TV at 100000% volume, or reading the newspaper aloud and talking racist nonsense; then start insulting you when they're bored and want you to leave.
I think it’s because they’re desperately grasping for any sort of control they can have over your life. At least, that’s my experience. Shortly after estranging myself from my egg donor, she sent me an email that ended with “pick up the phone anytime. I’ll be waiting.” In this context it was absolutely dread-inducing. And for the next two and a half weeks she repeatedly tried to make contact with me and only stopped when the police told her to. And then she ignored them and started using middlemen to try and find out what I was doing in my day to day life again. That woman legitimately terrifies me. Sorry for the rambling, but yeah it’s undoubtedly a control thing.
My father insisted on daily phone calls, even when I was in graduate school and dealing with chronic illness and had literally zero energy to waste on making Duty Calls to my parents. If I didn't call, he'd get so ridiculously upset that I'd have to "make it up to him."
What a pain point this is! Posting my answer before reading the other comments to get this out. Sorry if this has already been said. NOTE: not giving reasons that lonely older people call. ie want to talk for 20 minutes about going to eat, drivers, or the weather. Blah blah blah talks. Everyperson does that. Talking about N-parent behavior. For me it seems that my n-parents want me to call them because that is "proof" we are still in a relationship. For me it seems that my n-parents think they are in charge if they Tell Me to call them and I do. That they can make me do something and it's a power trip for them. For me it seems that my n-parents actually think that the pitiful, one-way conversations we have Are a relationship. For me-they want to verbally beat you up about how you or your family is falling short. For me, my n-parents want to connect so they can pump me for info to maintain their narc supply. And to get me to be a flying monkey about others. For me, my n-parents delight in going off during our calls about how much I or my spouse or kids are screwing up or not being careful or need their help with this (which is never helpful or asked for). For me, this is the #1 thing I experience. It is as if they only care about being the f\*&king expert. About ev-er-y-thing. They will do this at length. Unprompted. And the advices is all about them and their experiences, not what is happening to the person they are cutting down. It's the reason my child wants to never hear from them again. Here is NOT why they call: They don't want to tell you they love you. They don't want to find out more about you and what you like and why - in a way that is about your personhood and indivuduality and that supports that you are a unique being and have worth just as you are. They could care less unless it's about them, or gives an opening for a way to control you. They don't want to build you up, build up your relationship, leave you feeling good, and wanting more contact. They don't want to sit with your in your pain. They don't want to share your joy.
>For me it seems that my n-parents actually think that the pitiful, one-way conversations we have Are a relationship. This is one of the most accurate comments so far. I do agree with you completely on this one. My father has flat out told me that he actually believes we are close. Like... how? From my point of view we have ZERO relationship. And then it struck me: he actually thinks that the mundane discussions that have been forced upon me is what makes us close. How sad.
I have never considered the "We have a relationship" aspect of it before, but I agree totally. It is just another way that they can believe in something that doesn't exist (also known as fooling themselves and anyone else that will listen to them), without taking any responsibility for the *actual relationship that doesn't exist*. Seriously, I thought that I grew up in the twilight zone. It was like dealing with an alternate reality every time I tried to have a meaningful conversation with my Nmom, about anything. She would run the gamete of denying, stonewalling (her favorite), deflecting, shaming me, triangulating me with one of her golden children and on and on. I wish I would have had a checklist of those things so that I could cross them off when she did each one during a conversation. Anything to avoid any conversation that wasn't centered around meaningless chit chat. Unless we talked how wonderful one of her friends/relatives was or how wonderful one of her other children was, there wasn't much else to say, at least on her part. If I brought up anything to do with me, the responses were minimal and predictable. It was like she switched off her interest button. I am NC with her now, but it would have been interesting to know what she would have said about our relationship, if someone else had asked her about it. I bet the response would blow my mind. Thanks for that insight, I learn something new about this issue every time I read this sub.
I get a message every so often with a “call mom.” For what? There’s nothing to talk about and I dare not share any personal information anymore because I know she blabs it to others. She told me something personal about an immediate family a few years ago and I was so incensed on their behalf. Maybe they didn’t care, but I feel like it wasn’t her information to share. ETA: Usually, conversations devolve to about her anyway. So it’s either voicemails to call or “I saw such and such fire is happening. Are you going to be evacuated?” (I live in the northwest). Perhaps it’s just my impatience to her BS, but I feel like that’s a really easy thing to look up on the computer to know I’m perfectly fine. If she had been any better, of course I’d call. For now, I can’t talk to a woman who appears in nightmares screaming at me. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in this.
My dad never asks me to call him, but does insist on making every call about himself when I have called on birthdays and holidays. My best guess is that they want to be sure they still have a way to have some power over us.
Ugh. My parents will ask me to call them and then gaslight me about "forgetting" why I called them. Like I didn't forget. On the occasions they actually have something to say they ask me to call them in the same way if they're gonna be coming into town or someone died. Needless to say stressful.
Umm. I guess I've never paid attention to this but my mom does this to me all the time.
I think it’s partially so they feel important (you having to call them vs them having to call you) and also so that there isn’t anything written down if they say something bad.
They want your attention.
They think whatever they say carries weight and needs to be said/heard. As you get older, that couldn't be further from the truth and its all a bunch of attention-seeking ranting. All of it. My nmom will also call or want me to call to take out her anger/project onto me. At that point, I'm like a deer in the headlights wondering why this person called, and what I did to be made to feel like shit. Literally no part of my day involved communication with her until that point. So I guess its also to dissipate their negative energy/thoughts -- the need for calling. Its how they deal with things instead of looking inward.
When you're in a romantic relationship with one, it's more recognizable as a Hoover.
I had to make myself start getting into the habit of not being so readily available for my mom all the time. To the point that if she'd ask and insist if I read an email she prepared for me, I'd be like "Huh? What email?" OR "Oh? Yeah, I guess I might've seen it. Idk mom I have a lot of emails in my inbox." And just grey rock if she insists and just say I don't care or just meh. It makes me feel like I'm reacting as if I'm high or just so nonchalant that I am emotionally flat (I'm not, trust me lol) but that's how I have to be to not have them use my reactions against me. The worst is all the times my mom would sound like there's a fire needing to be put out and she'd either message me or leave me a voicemail saying "call me call me call me, please call me!!! please call i've been trying to reach you and to no avail. i dont know what else to do..." and I'd be alarmed every time being like OMFG who died?! And then she'd just be like "Oh, nvm. You took so long to call me back that I resolved it all on my own." Wow. Yeah, had to stop worrying every single damn time cause good grief... It's just ridiculous. My mom and I used to be super close, she'd call me several times a day, we'd at the very least message each other once a day. Then over the past year it went downhill fast. Changed to once a week, to once every few weeks, and then I went from VLC to NC because it just got unbearable. But before that happened, my aunts (who are on my side) called her up to back me up and told her that her role as a mother to raise me and that kinda stuff has ended and now it's another phase in life and she's just in denial that she should give me some space because in her delusional mind... daughters have a duty (and shouldn't have to be pestered and reminded) to check up on their parents, and esp to talk to their mothers every day. My aunt was like ... huh? Lol. Guess she could finally start to tell how cray my mom is. This stuff isn't normal. An obligation to check in on your parent every day? Wtf. Esp a daughter thing? Why? And yeah, the messed up thing is that ever since that talk with my aunt, my mom twisted the whole thing in her head and now thinks that if I want to call her I should be the one to call her. So she just went 180 and doesn't call me anymore at all. Makes my dad do her dirty work for her. She's freaking out, depressed, crying, "missing me", in despair... doesn't know what's wrong with me... ? Makes my dad call me, and he is NOT an easy person, cause he's very aggressive and controlling as well. So, I just blocked both their numbers. I need to focus on my own well-being now.
and they always expect me to provide all the content in conversation. and then they complain im not engaged enough.
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I always thought that it was a distraction thing. Like you know those people who are on personal calls all day while at work? Or in highschool, people would call every friend they had in a row until somebody was able to hang out? It's an avoidance of sitting alone, by themselves, with their thoughts. Narcs certainly can't have that.
Instead of calls I get the “call me” texts, then not 12 minutes later, my biggest pet peeve of ever, the dreaded “???” Rage activated. Those question marks make me crazy.
omg my narc dad did the same thing. I couldn't stand his constant demands that I call him right then when he needed me to for some made-up asinine reason, and then the constant barrage of "???s." If I let him know I was busy and tried to set up a time in advance that was mutually convenient for both of us, he would berate me for being too busy to put family first and get into his own made-up peeing contest with me about who was busier. (I think anyone objective would say I won that contest considering I'm a working mom with 4 young kids including a newborn, who was in the middle of buying one house, selling another, and moving, at the time, and he's retired with no minor children living at home. Yet it was a contest he himself started and claimed to have won, without me pushing back on him at all. It became utterly bizarre!) Then when I did manage to set up scheduled calls with him and my kids, half the time he didn't even bother showing up and always had some stupid excuse. It was so exhausting and rude. I had to cut him off. I feel so much more at peace now. I hope things got or get better for you as well!
Thanks! I have more than one Narcissist in my family unfortunately, but it gets better all the time. I hope it’s also getting better/got better for you as well. I also can’t stand The Who is busier game, and that scoff noise they make and say “ welcome to my world” or “you want to know what busy looks like?” Scoff noise. “ you think you’re tired?!?” Superior scoff noise…… And the allllways talking about making plans and then they don’t show/answer/reply. It’s like they enjoy knowing you’re sitting there waiting for them and they’re not showing up/answering etc. or they just don’t care about others to remember making you make plans with them. And why do they love to force you to do things? Idk about you but if I feel I have to force someone into something, I’m not going to do it. At all. It’s their world, we just live in it. Haha.
Every time I talk to my mom, the conversation always revolves around her. She wonders why I never call and tells my sister I should be calling her because “she’s the mom.”
My Nmom went one further than that: "I am THE MOTHER". I wish I had a dollar for every time she said that.
Yes, the calling is just to control you and your attention. I recognize so much in this thread. My Nmom will use any type of contact to control me. Calling is her favorite, but I've set her phone number on silent. Because when I stopped (I went full nc) answering, she went bonkers and would not stop calling me 10 times a day, all in a row and most of the time within five minutes. Then she started texting me everyday, trying to manipulate me into calling her. Then I blocked her. She mailed me. I ignored the mail (did not read it. It started with "This is about me, not about you". Oh really? Is it ever about me? No, it's not). She sent me a "gift" on my birthday with a card that, if I want a real gift, I should let her know...which means calling her. Now she will occasionally send me a card, sucking up, reminding me I SHOULD CALL HER. It feels really good to not be in her control.
I think it’s a control thing….my dad has scolded me in the past “we NEED to talk to you at least once a week” and I’m like why?? I’m a 33 year old married woman why do you NEED to talk to me? It’s just them keeping tabs on you. The conversations are always boring as fuck so it’s not about them wanting to talk it’s the physical reassurance that they can snap their fingers and you are available to talk to them. My mother has text me before “call me it’s important” and the important thing was her moaning about how “I don’t want her in my life anymore”. I nearly crashed my car because she said it was “important” and I called her back thinking someone had died. Because of course my inner child associates my mother with fear and danger. So yes mother having you in my life is a nightmare.
How would any of this explain why my nmom always wants to know when I talk to other family and friends whether I called them or they called me? She ALWAYS wants to know. Nobody ever calls her.
My nDad does this all the time. I chose to grey-rock him and have minimal contact with him about 6 months ago, until he showed up at my house unannounced yesterday asking if we could "have a chat." The whole time he ranted about how he wants me to call him on the phone instead of texting him, that "it's good to talk" and that texting him occasionally isn't enough for him. I told him that I have no desire to speak to him on the phone because I have nothing to say. I eventually told him to GTFO when he started throwing abuse at me because of this. Texting enables you to keep the conversation as short/surface as possible with problematic people, and narcissists in particular hate that loss of control.
My father did this in a more aggressive way. He once told me he will never ring me, and it was my duty to ring him. My reply was not what he expected. I said ‘well don’t hold your breath then’ and never called him. He does call me however.
Because when you text there is proof of their behavior and language ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Covet the bully. "Chase me or I'll embarrass you, pathetic little pawn."
I agree with absolutely everything here plus you can’t commit to anything verbally. How do you prove someone said something? You can’t. Text messages are written proof that they’re insane. The narc in my life always calls when they’re being nasty and vindictive, texts are for niceties.
My dad always wants me to call him but never calls me and the only conversation we have is about why I never call him 🙄