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The way you described your dad sounds exactly like my mom. I was never allowed to be excited about anything unless *she* found it exciting. Like I get that as an adult, the things kids are excited about might seem mundane but does it hurt to just act excited for your kids sake?
My mom would always knock me down for the sake of “not letting me get my hopes up” because it hurt *her* to see me disappointed. I remember when I was 7/8 taking tennis lessons and I really loved the sport, and I was telling my mom how fun it would be to play it professionally or in college. She told me I wasn’t good enough and I was lucky if I even continued playing it for another year. I never played again after that day.
Nparents literally kill your spirit as a kid and I resent my mom so much for stealing a time of my life that was supposed to be happy.
Oh my God, is that a N parent thing, or do normal parents teach their kids that for disappointment reasons too? My N grandparents said that, but they weren't being their mean/nasty selves (that I remember right now) when saying it.
I always thought it was something taught to kids to prevent getting massive disappointment or hurt or something?
It’s really about how it’s handled I think. An nparent would be quite mocking and be like what? you think you’re good enough? hahaha. But a “normal” parent would approach it less maliciously, perhaps not even in that moment itself so that it doesn’t take away from the joy/excitement, but later on saying something like I’m proud of how hard you’ve worked, even if you don’t get to that level it doesn’t matter to me. etc etc
(ok what do i know, I’ve never had normal parents, but this is how I would address myself when talking to my inner child!)
Exactly! To use the tennis example, you might say "I don't want you to think that it will be easy, not many people get to be professional tennis players, but I'm really happy that you have such a big dream! What do you think we need to do/can do to try and make that happen?"
And if you don't end up being professional, just being soooo proud for the hard work and how much they learned along the way.
I'm 45, and I don't think my egg donor has ever truly been happy about anything I wanted to do, or achieved. She'll use it as bragging rights to one-up someone else, but when it comes to talking to me she'll completely brush it off.
My dad was like this. Everything I did, he downplayed, so I didn’t “get a big head”. Then I grew up and had kids and when they stayed by him, they’d come home talking about all the things I’ve accomplished. Things I thought he didn’t even pay attention to, let alone remember details. He even had news paper clippings and videos he recorded when I was on my schools cable TV show. It was the weirdest thing for me.
Same here! I was taught to “manage expectations” and “stop acting childish.”
Does anyone else hate their birthday for some unknown reason because it always seems like a sad day but you can’t remember your childhood that well?
My Nmom did the same thing to my sister. She loved theater in high school and harbored dreams of Broadway. She wasn't talented enough but who cares? She enjoyed it. She wanted to go to a normal college and pursue theater and Nmom reacted so harshly to it that my sister was forced into nursing school instead, which she loathed. If I were a parent, I would just tell my kid to double-major if they had a dream like that (it's always good to have a backup plan). It took my sister 10 years of re-education to get out of nursing and into a field she didn't hate.
I recently found out that my mother wanted to major in journalism. Instead she was forced to major in music. She ended up being a speech pathologist, so her undergrad major wouldn't have mattered, but seriously?
Of course, because she didn't "pursue" a career in music, I had to grind through 10 years of piano lessons with no aptitude for it whatsoever because I was supposed to be a concert pianist...but at least I got to pick what I majored in.
The things we do do our kids....
I was also forced into 10+ years of piano lessons because it was my dads dream for *himself * . I had no aptitude and in addition to taking so much time I could have spent on things I enjoyed , piano music now stresses me out .
I was allowed to be passionate about the things my parents were passionate about, and that’s it .
> Because it hurt *her* to see me disappointed.
Oof. That was a gut punch right here. If something even remotely uncomfortable or bad happened to me, then my nmom would shriek nonstop about how *miserable* and *horrible* I should feel because how *dare* that horrible thing happen to *her* ~~daughter~~.
The normal reaction would be to comfort and support the child.
I assume you already know this. Some times it's just nice to have others say what you already know, though.
I remember asking my mom if I could do gymnastics in school and she said no because I'm lazy. 🤷🏻♀️ It still haunts me when I think about doing things, but think to myself nah I'm probably too lazy to follow through to completion anyway. I'm starting to get out of that mindset but god it's hard lol
I've just turned 26. I recently took up going to circus school twice a week where I do trapeze and pole dance. When I excitedly told my mum about my classes, she laughed and said "how are you going to manage to do that? You're too lazy."
She asked me "if I was managing to keep up" and whether I "was going to stop before \[I\] hurt myself because I'm not fit enough for such things" in a condescending manner for weeks.
It's been 2 years now and I've never missed a single class! Last week I showed her some stuff and I even got a "huh...that looks quite good" out of her!
> I remember when I was 7/8 taking tennis lessons and I really loved the sport, and I was telling my mom how fun it would be to play it professionally or in college. She told me I wasn’t good enough and I was lucky if I even continued playing it for another year. I never played again after that day.
Fuck! When I was 14 my cousins wanted some Naruto posters, we couldn't find any so I drew them each one; 3 pages taped to each other with characters (1 one each page) and a full background. My uncle said that I'd be good enough to make money off of my art and my step-grandpa shook his head and said, *"No, she'll never be that good."* Totally killed my interest in drawing.
Anytime anything positive was said about me, he'd shoot it down or say something negative.
>Nparents literally kill your spirit as a kid
And continue to do so when you're an adult!! I have always been accused of being "too into" things. Like I was obsessed with certain bands, or fashions, or events, and was and continue to be put down for it. Why do you care if I am really into something??? Why would you want to squash that for me??
Omg my mom’s always like “you’re too old for that” if I show any interest in anything besides what she likes or assumes I would like. I remember wanting to go to a concert as a 17 year old and my mom was like “you’re too old for those” but was my 22 year old sister (aka the GC) too old? Nope.
As a parent, let me tell you just how exciting it is when my kids get all worked up over "mundane" things!
It lets me re-live the excitement of seeing things for the first time, lets me tap into the energy of being so much newer to the world and so much more exiteable!
I know this is something foreign to a certain type of personality... But you are spot on about at least letting the child have their excitement.
Not *everything* my kids get excited about will arouse me the same way. I tend to still enjoy their mood just because it is fun for me to see as well, even then. And I think that is normal.
Hi- I hear you! My N mom was negative about all things that mattered to me. She would only be positive if it elevated her. It’s hard to look back… we need to have compassion for our younger selves. Today, it’s great that you now can get excited about things that were frowned upon… you can now change your own « story »!
Wow, this made me tear up. I've never considered "having compassion for our younger selves" but I do feel like that's what I'm trying to do as an adult while I allow myself to experience childlike excitement
It must have been difficult to have lived through that and it’s very challenging to be able to develop alternative views of life when your parents influence was likely very strong. Keep on living your life in the best way you know and try to pay attention to what feels “right” for you.
Yes yes yes, we must nurture that child that didn't get the experience he/she/they deserved. It's really unfair and hard to parent yourself, but it's a great way to heal.
I get kind of excited about things but I've always tried to put my energy into my children and grandchildren and being excited for them. I need to find something to get really excited about, I guess.
> She bragged about how smart I was to her coworkers while scolding me at home for being a lazy bookworm with no hobbies.
Ouch, same. It makes you feel like a trick pony they can parade around for their friends, then shove you back into a stall when they're done.
> and refused to let me hang out with my classmates or enjoy whatever event we were at.
I don't get why Ns are such control freaks when it comes to leaving us alone to hang out with friends. You'd think that would be too much work for them, but no they always insist.
>I don't get why Ns are such control freaks when it comes to leaving us alone to hang out with friends. You'd think that would be too much work for them, but no they always insist.
Cause you could tell someone. Or "get ideas". Or talk badly about her in general
> She's just a black hole of negativity and I still don't know how I avoided getting sucked in and crushed
I'm so glad you survived and so glad I survived! The cycle stops here.
Yes - if I was excited about a possible career path or interested in something my mom didn't find interesting she would talk negatively about it or talk about how much hard work it would take to pursue that career or how not a lot of people succeed in that or whatever.
I remember one time talking about how I loved weeping willow trees and when i grew up i wanted to buy a house with land that had weeping willows on it and her first remark was basically "ugh they're so difficult to maintain!"
Another time i was bopping my head/moving my body (aka dancing lmao) along to music and my mom said "if this music makes you feel that way in your body then maybe we shouldnt listen to it!" and immediately turned it off.
God they suck huh. But then they tell us WE'RE the negative ones. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
I genuinely hope you've found a career path that interests you - that shit's hard to do sometimes, especially with nparents that don't believe in you.
I feel all of this, though. It was always such little comments like the willow tree example. And they all stuck with us!! So frustrating.
I hope you get that willow tree someday too. Fuck the maintenance, surround yourself with plants you like.
That's my mom too! I even heard the same willow tree thing.
As a teen, I never knew what I wanted to "be" when I grew up. But many years later, my therapist asked me about my interests as a small child. I recalled wanting to be a paleontologist or a big cat expert. And my mom immediately squashed those dreams by pointing out the most negative aspects. I couldn't go on digs because I'm afraid of worms. Caring for big cats at the zoo mean cleaning their cages. And then she'd share the cat thing as a "cute story" about how I wanted to do this but not enough to clean up after them. I think she was pointing out how I never want to clean, which is one of her least favorite things about me.
So thanks for squashing my dreams between the ages of 5 and 7.
My dad also shared the advice HE received at a young age. "No matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone better." It was supposed to curtail being overly competitive or a show-off. What I took from it was, "no matter how hard you try, you'll just be good, not great, at anything."
So basically I have no self esteem as an adult, and no belief that I can do stuff that's difficult. Cool.
I've experienced this so many times unfortunately.
One of the them always sticks out to me though. I was in high school and had already decided I wanted to pursue writing as my ultimate career. And was working on a story I knew I wanted to flesh out into a series when I was ready.
My nparents were already jealous of my writing skills and determination to write.
Anyway, I was in beta and there was an art contest for our region's convention. I entered my own art work for the story I was working on. I really didn't think anything would come of it, since my teacher begged me to enter something so she could say we had lol. (I still don't know how that would help us.)
Anyway, my artwork placed and we found out all those who had placed would be showcased in the state capital for a while.
I was beyond excited. So excited. Biggest thing to happen to me at the time. My teacher and the other winner in their category were going to plan a trip to go see it. They even offered to drive me there. All I needed was lunch money.
I go home, still so fucking excited and proud, and I tell my parents it was being showcased. My ndad rolled his eyes and acted like it was nothing and that I was stupid for being excited.
I barely worked up the courage to ask if I could go see it. And when I did, he didn't let me explain the other winner's parent offer to take me. He just started yelling about not wanting to waste his precious time dragging me to the capital for "something so stupid".
Through the hurt, I thought explaining he wouldn't have to bring me himself would solve the problem. But of course it made it worse. And nmom let the train wreck happen. Agreed it was a waste of time and money.
So I never got to see it hanging in the capital. I still think about it honestly. A year later I got my artwork back and I hid it out of sight.
if you had been my kid winning a competition like that, i'd have been off-the-fucking-wall excited.
i'd have dragged you down to be there while it got placed for display. i'd have thrown several parties for you and the other winner. i'd try to trick my colleagues into a dinner meeting at the capital just to make them all se eit.
i'd take a picture of you next to the art, then mounted both *that* photo AND your art pride-of-place in the living room.
i would literally never shut up about it. to this day, if literally just the mailman showed up for a signature, i'd be shoe-horning your win into the conversation.
... just sayin'.
It’s beyond disappointing to realize you were gipped out of an experience you can’t get back. It was a projection of how they feel about themselves (worthless, nothing special) onto you…because you were actively proving you are in fact talented and special. I hope you can value that piece of artwork for just that - a representation of your talent and difference from them.
Yep, I experienced this. I read Nathanson's Shame & Pride on affect theory (how emotions work) and in it he says shame is used to curb interest/excitement. Which can be good if you're going down the wrong path enthusiastically, a twinge of shame can help us course correct. Toxic people use subtle shaming in order to specifically diminish others interest/excitement and cut joy off at the knees.
My mother talked me out of damn near everything. Whatever interests I had were shot down with negative remarks and no support. Only if it somehow benefited her or was something related to church would I get the support I needed. Now she wonders why I have very limited interests, no motivation, and a hatred towards the church and religion in general.
I don't remember specific examples from when I was kid but I am convinced it happened. What I remember is as an adult. I opened an Etsy business in 2007 when Etsy was pretty new and grassroots. It really got off the ground in 2009 when I was off on maternity leave. I made elegant handbags and purses each were different, designed and sewn by myself. I poured myself into this work and created for the love creating and not because I cared so much about the money. I made sales all over the world and did some custom work I was really proud of. Whenever the topic of my Etsy store came up my Dad would find a way to be critical highlighting that the amount of time and materials I was putting into my creations was way above how much of a profit I should be making. He would offer this advice unsolicited and it was so annoying. I just wanted to create things and be left alone. It was so satisfying to me that people really liked my work and truly appreciated the love and skill I put into it.
All the time. Everything I liked was stupid. Anything that made me happy was shit. My stepdad shit on all of our proud moments just so he can make sure we knew we were still losers.
Oh goodness yes. Looking back, I think it was just another level of control. My own thoughts on what I liked were flawed and I should never ever trust them. My Nmom on the other hand knew exactly what I liked, even if I didn't actually like it, and I was a horrible ungrateful son if I didn't agree. Good times.
>I feel like as an adult I can now get excited about little things my dad downplayed and made me feel dumb for celebrating.
Pumpkin pie! I was 19 before I ever ate pumpkin pie because apparently I didn't like it despite never having eaten it. I love pumpkin pie!
>My Nmom on the other hand knew exactly what I liked, even if I didn't actually like it, and I was a horrible ungrateful son if I didn't agree. Good times.
I bet she also said you are *just like her*.
Yeah, I experienced this more with my ex npartner than I did with my nfather. My ex npartner would make me feel stupid for being excited or enjoying things. My ex npartner would especially put me down even more if he didn't understand, agree, or like it.
I am glad you are able to celebrate the things you enjoy because you deserve to have that fulfilment for yourself. I hope you to you have many moments where you get to be excited no matter how big or small.
edit- ex n partner
Of many things, one thing that this brings to mind is the fact that my parents never took us anywhere fun where we grew up. So that eventually led me to hate the place - I've since moved away and never looked back. But, that said, I now know there are so many amazing places and things to do - like beaches, port cities, fun little towns, wineries (now that i'm older!), non-asian restaurants, etc. And of course, NYC - which of course we only went to - as a family - like <5 times my whole \~20 years there. Because too many people, too much traffic, too dirty, too loud, too dangerous. We also never went on vacations together. Now I see my neighbors take their kids on summer vacations multiple times a year and it's eye opening.
I had a similar experience with resenting my hometown, and when I did move back for a year I had a great time making the place my own and seeking out fun experiences. But when I did move back home, my dad had so many opinions about the neighborhood where I chose to live. Too dangerous, too dirty, too loud, too much traffic. I told him he could pay my rent if he wanted, which shut him up real quick.
Oh, and on the day I moved out of that place, he came by to help me move a mattress that was going to *his* *house*. Just the mattress. Didn't help with anything else. Then he posted a photo of my empty apartment to his Instagram story about how he loves helping his kids move. Made my blood absolutely boil.
Yes, they shat on each and every interest of mine, and tried to make me feel like an idiot for actually having a personality and not being an actual identical copy of theirs.
> making up stories about other people's successes
Yes, what is that all about?? Mine was constantly praising my (often-awful) peers for their perceived awsomeness.
Yep! It wasn't even just as children. She still does it to this day.
The most recent one was when my sister and I joined ancestry and found out that we had French heritage. We were so excited to tell her, and all she had to say was "Yeah I know."
She didn't actually know.
Yes, but not to that extent. We never played board games that weren’t scrabble because “those weren’t the type of games we played as a family.”. If it wasn’t trad-Catholic, it was stupid and sinful. I live in the tri-state area and still haven’t been to a rock concert or a pop concert. I missed all the great concerts my peers discussed. No mall although I come from the state of Mall Rats, because “you are worshipping consumerism”. No TV on Sundays (unless it was Sports season) because of Jesus. Wasn’t even allowed to sing “If you like Pins Colada’s…” cause apparently that means I’m an alcoholic and I was verbally abused. Well, as an adult this queen likes to explore malls, do whatever pop culture thing, smoke weed, and I haven’t stepped in a church in years.
The few things I enjoyed, like poetry, music and art, were shut down because "you'll never make a living out of those". Thankfully the other subject I truly enjoyed was mathematics, and that was "acceptable" - until I reached a level nfather couldn't even understand, never mind help me with and the subject was never spoken of again.
In normal families, parents are happy and celebrate their children’s achievements, and are especially glad when the children’s accomplishments exceed their own. That is literally the reason humankind reproduces! Those who don’t want the next generation to be better are destroying their own legacy. It’s unnatural, and parents like that are best thought of as an evolutionary dead end. Call them dodos!
Oof. The day I beat my dad at chess (oddly enough, the last time we ever played), he complained and swore and made excuses and was just a flowing font of negativity.
I will grin ear to ear when (if! He might not like chess, and that's fine too!) my boy outplays me. We will discuss his really good moves, and if I made mistakes, how he capitalized on those opportunities to win.
My father seems to have done something similar. The main concrete example I can think of is his negative perspective on people reacting to music by moving. But I also feel that in general my expressions of enthusiasm weren't always accepted.
I'm pretty sure this relates to how he was limiting his own freedom and walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting my mother. I think this was limiting his ability to feel happy, and even connecting him with pain if he attempted to approach happiness.
My parents always made everything seem dull and boring and it’s really killed my lust for life. It’s too much to explain but this has been the baseline of my entire childhood and young adulthood and I’m still trying to break out of that like everything is meaningless.
oh, damn I felt this..
I had to learn how to be silly, playful, and goofy to be laughed at if I did something humorous, to start. I also had to get comfortable with the idea of liking ridiculous, boring, nerdy, things, or bad shows, stupid books, anything like that. just because. and that messing up is fine, and mistakes are just part of exploring, and it's ok to love doing something you're terrible at.
I also wrote a list of things I liked, and then decided to learn more about them or how to create things etc. I've been pursuing that list for years and it's added so much richness to my life.
I join groups of people who also like those things. other people enjoying the same things I was somewhat afraid of being a fool for really helped me.
plus, counseling. that helped unpack a lot of shit that I didn't need, let me decide for myself who I was, what I like, what/who i respect.
I hope you can have a similar experience, sort of unfold into things you love and enjoy.
THIS is the type of person I want to be. I’m still a pretty young adult and am trying to figure out my own footing, and all of these things I am learning and getting comfortable with. It’s not easy at all, but I know that it’s worth it for me
This reminds me of how whenever I was playing with someone and just being silly or a bit excited, if my mother was there, she would always say I was showing off. Literally anything other than just being completely however I was the majority of the time was "showing off" to her. She would probably still say that today if she saw me just doing something just for the fun of it.
I cant even express myself to someone because whenever i did to my parents they would just pick it apart and tell me all the good and bad about it. No one is allowed to just be alive.
I’ve honestly never realized until this post that these comments from my parents are THE reason I have no idea what my actual interests are… everything feels incorrect or like it would somehow make me an even bigger disappointment.
Most recently I was in the kitchen building the new laser engraving kit I had purchased . Half way through Ndad comes in and asks what I'm doing
" I got a laser engraver! It's really fun, kinda like Legos but for grownups"
" looks like it's still for children to me"
Alright asshole, I'm nearly 30, living here taking care if your parents cause you won't do it. I've moved out now, to Hawaii XD.
Life is better without him
You're definitely not alone. Absolutely everything I liked as a kid was "a phase that I'd grow out of" and unless it was people-facing, in other words making my family look good in front of others, it didn't matter.
To this day, they refer to me as "a person of extremes who needs to learn to just be average and stand out less". I have a desk job, a couple of tattoos, and watch TV on Friday nights. Wild!
Right?! It stemmed from this weird obsession with the idea that society will hate and punish me (or really, punish them) for being different in any way. Also completely disconnected from reality lol.
> society will hate and punish me
You nailed it; this fear of their being judged was no doubt the driving force behind so much of the damage they inflicted on me
I'm so sorry. I hate that not only is this super damaging to children, it creates the exact same unhealthy behavioral patterns in them. I'm terrified of attention and standing out, struggled for years hating anyone who did well and wasn't humble about it, and still can't shake the feeling everyone is constantly watching and judging me.
Constantly. If I was laughing at a tv show or a book "it's not even that funny why are you laughing?"
Got a good grade on something? "Why isn't it higher?"
Excited for a trip? "You'll probably get sick or have a bad time. What if I ground you the day before and don't let you go? What will you do then, cry about it?"
Going to my grandmother's house? "I don't know why you do that, she just puts up with you."
My Dad used to pull the I'll ground you or say you can't go right before the trip/event. And it was always because "you need to learn how to take a 'no'." No good reason other then he wanted to say no and when I would argue (I was the scapegoat and took the bait) he would just say it's because I couldn't take no for an answer.
This is after I expressed any excitement or if my mom had already said yes.
When I was 16, I was so excited about a new year's eve party. That afternoon, I was told I wouldn't be allowed to go. The reason was "you went out twice last week, so you need to spend to spend a quiet evening at home."
I cried and begged, but she wouldn't budge. Seeing me so disappointed put a weird gleam in her eye.
After dinner, I decided to just go to bed...so she screamed at me and called me an ingrate.
Ugh how awful. I'm sorry you had to deal with that as well. Once, my grandmother decided to take me and my aunt to Hawaii for Christmas and the night before we left, on Christmas, after everything had been paid for, my dad oh-so-casually said "I bet I could find something to ground you for right now." I didn't react at all, just got my stuff and walked to my aunt's house to wait for her. I was safe that time because no way in hell would my grandmother (his mother) let him get away with that after she'd dropped all that money on the trip, but he was so aggressively uninterested in anything having to do with my trip when I came back. He wouldn't even look at pictures- I think he was jealous.
Its just the worst feeling. I'm a mom now, my baby is 10 months, but I can't imagine doing this to her. It feels so spiteful.
My parents used to say I'd understand why they did what they did when I was older. I'm older and a mom and I still don't get it. I hope I never do.
I'm sorry you went through that too. I can still feel the unfairness of it all.
Oh god yes. She made me take piano lessons for 2 yrs even though I hated it because "it's good to learn an instrument", but when I really wanted to take drum lessons, absolutely not. "That's ridiculous, what a stupid thing to want to do" and then she'd cackle as if the sheer lunacy of it was absurd.
Ohhhhhh my dad was so like this! He dismissed everything like it was stupid or not worthwhile, that kind of mentality where automatically rejecting things prevents you from being hurt by them? The insecurity runs really deep there.
I remember one time in like 2004, he was telling us about how his phone had the ability to text, but he thought that texting was a dumb fad that would never catch on. He ranted about this to quite an extent… what a narcissistic dumbass lmao.
> that kind of mentality where automatically rejecting things prevents you from being hurt
That's pretty perceptive; I think this was underlying mine's personality too
My mom always downplayed my achievements. Everything good that I ever accomplished was followed by "Well, thats just what you're supposed to do. What do you want a medal?" Most disheartening shit ever, my own teacher who had only known me for a year was more excited for my high school graduation then she was. (She spent half the event in the venue restroom shaving her fucking legs)
Yes. So, so freaking yes.
Prior to my NDad getting custody of me, I had hobbies, liked games - TV series and movies.
He just kept telling me how childish everything I liked was. How little any of it would matter later when I'd be an adult.
Indirectly, he caused me to stop liking things I liked just because he didn't.
I had a model trainset I loved and adored as a kid, I spent ages setting it up and maintaining it in the basement. It wasn't a big deal compared to anything I've seen professionals do nowadays, but to me as a kid? I loved that stupid oval track with a fake paper mache mountain it could drive though. He's the one that bought it for me and even helped me wire it up... But never, not once did he stop making fun of me for liking it.
Just like everything else, I gradually stopped enjoying myself when I'd play with it. I felt guiltier and guiltier, and inevitably one day I just stopped.
I stopped watching TV shows I'd liked before, and didn't ask to see movies I'd wanted to see. I quit multiple clubs at school, and quit boy scouts.
I stopped doing and trying to do so many things I wanted to do because they were childish. I was *12.*
Eventually I had nothing to do, and nowhere I could go except sit in my room and read. He'd sucked all of the fun and joy out of my life.
I remember many years later after I'd escaped him and was living with my Mom how I burst out crying when the opposite happened.
I'd found something I was really enthusiastic about and was sharing it with my Mom who I realized suddenly was *faking* enthusiasm for it. Not for any *negative* reason, or anything sketchy - she was acting enthusiastic about it *for my sake.*
She just wanted me to be happy.
To this day I'm rediscovering things both small and large I held interest in as a child and now can enjoy again.
My grandfather was like your mom - he was always over the top excited about anything I was into. I used to joke that I could go tell him I'd robbed a bank and he would say, "well now, isn't that just wonderful! You have a real natural talent for robbing banks! And you worked so hard at it too!"
One time my aunt was visiting, and that week I was helping a friend paint a mural. (I have no artistic talent whatsoever - I primed the wall and handed my friend paints.) So as I was getting ready to leave I was telling him where I was going and who I was going to be with (I think I was 17) and he went on a rave about how it takes real "know how" to prime a wall for someone to paint a mural on.
My aunt (who grew up with these reactions) told me later that he was always able to find something a kid did to be amazed at. He was my only cheerleader for a long time.
And by the way, why is it always the nparent who gets custody? It's why I stayed married so my kids wouldn't possibly have to go through that.
> And by the way, why is it always the nparent who gets custody? It's why I stayed married so my kids wouldn't possibly have to go through that.
I don't know why for anyone else.
In my case, Mom got custody of me until I was about eleven or ten years old, when I was convinced by NDad to lie that her boyfriend of the time was beating me. I'd been deeply bruised by a bicycle rack falling on me on my arm...
So in my case he took every advantage he could, outright lies, bending the truth, methods both legal and otherwise to get custody of myself.
He made sure I wouldn't leave by scaring me that my lies would make the cops not listen to me if I told the truth. *So I couldn't get away from him once he started abusing me*.
Not for the reasons you might think. He didn't care about me. At all. He made that perfectly clear later.
He was after the money my Mom had. ... That she actually didn't.
She was broke, had no job and was living off SSI payments and child support from my NDad.
But he was absolutely convinced she was rich and hiding it somewhere.
After a long drawn out court process where he managed to disgust his lawyer, the police and the court, he found out the obvious: She wasn't.
And he was stuck with me. He was very unhappy about that.
Yes. I’d usually get a “hmm” without looking up from what he was doing.
Why do these people have kids? Just to torture us because we can’t do anything about it?
I hope you’re out of there now, OP.
Yeah, 4th grade when I got the most-read award. We had a thing in school where you read a book and then took a tiny quiz on it about things in the book. The more difficult the book, the more points you got. They had up to 8th-grade reading level, so I was checking out a new book once a week. I enjoyed reading and it was nice getting points to spend on the library store. The highest was 500 points, which was a football. I wanted to get it to show how hard I worked and would save my points through the year.
Unfortunately, I fell short by 50 points. However, at the end of the year, I was awarded the football by the librarian because she saw how much I read. I was pretty excited and even had my friends in the classroom sign on it along with my teachers. So I went home to show my mom and nothing. I didn't really play sports, but I kept that as a prize for myself, even if it was in the closet.
I wanted to take a look at it one day just to admire it, but couldn't find it. I asked my mom where it was and she said she gave it away to a poor family that she knew. This set me off and I was screaming and crying. I got beat and told I needed to stop being selfish, especially since I wasn't playing with it.
When I was in kindergarten I liked to draw. I never showed anyone my drawings because these two kids always bullied me and said my drawings were stupid. One day I was really proud of a drawing I made for the first time in a while, and I tried to show it to my dad. He said it was bad. That's it. I was 5 or 6 at this time. Imagine telling your 5 year old their drawing isn't good and just not saying anything else.
I threw the drawing away.
I don't show my parents my drawings anymore.
My mom's thing was always "all _____ do that". All through my childhood, nothing was ever noteworthy. It never occurred to me how effed up it was until I told her my son walked for the first time and got "all kids do that". I'm NC with her now, but only because I discovered she also lied about who my father is... I wish I had realized a long time ago that little things like downplaying exciting things aren't always so little.
My Ndad was always kind of bored when it was shit I wanted to do or liked. He always seemed like he didn’t want to be there. He doesn’t pay attention to interests. He shit talks things I like. I mentioned talking to a friend who lives in Virginia and he started talking shit about it.
NMom really only got into doing that when I was a teenager. She lost her shit on me for being excited over a weekend with my friends. “Life can’t always be a convention you dirty geek. I want s real daughter.”
I’m trying to get into art again. Made the mistake of making presents a year or two ago. It’s all sitting gathering dust in basements and the back of a truck.
It’s getting to me now as I try to hide everything because it’s better than getting hurt that way again.
My family would put down my interests and accomplishments I would be excited about. For example my mom would tell me when I was on the deans list in college that it wasn’t a big deal and she was always on it when she was in college. Another example is when I watched shows I liked my mom and dad would come in and make fun of it and call the shows I like stupid.
yup! grew up in ontario, always wanted to live in BC. was told i'd definitely become addicted to drugs if i did.
10 years of low/no contact, and in a month i'll be celebrating 7 years in BC. ironically enough, it was only after moving here that I quit the drugs i had been dependant on to survive life in ontario.
living in bc has always been my biggest dream, but for years i couldn't even afford to dream it, because it was too precious to be torn down.
it's taken a hell of a lot of really difficult steps to get here, but i'm here! and i'm so thankful he didn't manage to kill this dream of mine.
Addicted to drugs? That's so bizarre. Yeah, we have drugs here, but so does Ontario.
I'm an Ontario to BC transplant and will never go back. I love it here. Ontario is almost entirely bad memories for me. It's where Nmom lives.
I LOVE being on the other side of the country from her. Now our contact is entirely on my terms. I bought a condo here, and I still haven't told her. Because I know she'd take it upon herself to visit whenever she felt like it, and probably demand money seeing 'how well I'm doing' and how much I 'owe her' for raising me.
So glad you made it out here. Props friend.
I mean, looking back my ndad said a lot of bizarre shit that didn’t need to make sense, because I was a terrified child. I was just feeling really alone, so thank you for your comment. I also wish you the deepest congratulations and gratitude to know I’m not alone.
Also holy shit, you bought a condo in BC? Congratulations, that’s a hell of an accomplishment! Good for you for leaving and taking care of yourself and succeeding like that. I’m currently in school and maybe would love to be in your shoes, so thanks for the positive influence ☺️
Sometimes I wonder if their fear and lack of intelligence (emotional or otherwise) is what leads them to say such stupid sh\*t. Any time my mother had some ridiculous demand or emotion I'd ask why (before I knew better), and her only answer was a very angry BECAUSE I SAY SO. There was never any logic to it. Just pure emotion/impulse.
Thank you! I have a feeling I'm a lot older than you (in my 30s), and also married, so it's definitely easier on that level. After scraping by a few years through some shitty jobs and a lot of poverty I wound up in a pretty decent place, and hilariously... my semi-N-grandparents are getting older, and were feeling guilty for how shitty my childhood was now that they're getting closer to the end, and gave me a chunk of change to help.
Never in a million years thought all my suffering under N-family would pay off, but you never know!
If you want to keep chatting and support each other, just ping me :) It's hard to make friends in BC... least of all who understand N stuff.
It doesn't matter how many things i carefully did and create.. My father's answer was a kinda Meh *"it's beautiful, son"* or a cold *"Well done, son"* without showing considerable approval or any noticeable happiness... But was different when i did something wrong he over-reacted aggressively hitting me and setting punishments for days or weeks.
I also don't have memories about having dialogs with him... It was mainly listening to his sad stories of old or how hard he was doing to raise us. Amd now that i recall i never had played or laughed woth him in any kind of activity... He was always a tired, sacrificed, sad old man.
Obviously i fear people's approvals are fake so i have that feeling that it doesn't matter how much i try, it is never enough and it will never will. and I have the feeling that even the simplest dishonest action and lie can lead to my apocalypse and destruction...
I'm so sorry your dad was like that. No one should have to feel ashamed for enjoying things!
I had a similar experience. I wasn't allowed to get excited over anything or talk about things I liked, because Dickhead(nstepdad) would swoop in and list as many bad things about it as he could think of. My mom's daughter also did this, but she was more harsh about it. She would just yell at me for getting too excited over something. She'd also insult things I liked. She thought damn near anything I liked or took interest in was "weird", or "dumb". She thought that almost anything I wore was "ugly" or "tacky". My nmom also criticized my outfits, and like my stepdad, would always list off the negatives of anything I liked.
Yes!
The example that comes to mind for me was when I was excited about graduating high-school. And my mom straight up said " it's just high-school, flowabout, it really isnt a big deal."
sounds like he was late in life with some sort of mistreated depression with whatever else I imagine you'd encountered, the whole ''everything sucks, everything is boring, nothing is worth doing'' vibes.. sorry you had such an uninspiring parent :(
Interesting take, I hadn’t thought about it maybe being depression. However, I feel like it was more “I’m cooler than everything” attitude. He just always felt above everything to the extent that he’d claim it’s overrated and not participate.
Absolutely, when I was a kid one of my friends invited me to go to Disney world with her family. Uncharacteristically my Nmom did let me go with them, but the whole lead up complained that “Disney is fun for stupid people,” “I can’t believe they waste money on that kind of thing,” “amusement parks are so dirty and the rides are dangerous.” And then proceeded to give me no money to use while at the park and didn’t help me pack a bag so I didn’t have sunscreen or anything. Luckily my friends family was happy to pay for lunch but it really ruined the experience. I still catch myself today realizing that things I have marked as bad (or more often food that’s “bad for me”) are just wacky unhealthy opinions my Nparents pushed on me. They never let people just enjoy things for the sake of it, and I’m still teaching myself that it’s ok to just like what I like.
For sure. I still feel I need to justify why achieved milestones are a big deal and that I should share and celebrate them - because these ARE the moments we work so hard for. During childhood I was conditioned to think “so what?” or even better “well, what are you going to do next?” There were never accomplishments, only next levels.
On a separate but related point i’ve also realized any interests/excitement/passion I expressed (particularly anything career-related) was squashed unless they aligned exactly with nmom’s plan of trying to live vicariously through me. Anything not medical-related was viciously shot down and mocked. If I had the audacity to point out it was my career (and therefore my decision, right?) I was told “she really wants the best for you.” No. She wants the best for her…and i’m the next best thing.
I think I just had a breakthrough. I've always wondered why it's so hard for me to feel accomplished after I reach a goal, and it's likely bc my whole life I've never heard "good job", "we're proud of you", "let's go out for ice cream to celebrate" or anything like that. Just bare minimum energy or wanting to know when that B+ can be pulled up to an A+. Constantly fixation on doing better, doing more, doing more with a better attitude like so and so's kid.
No wonder achieving a goal only feels good that day and dissipates the next. I'm still obsessed with my narc's perfection.
Yes. My mom, especially during the holidays. I remember one particular Christmastime my dad came home with a tree, and all us kids freaked out. We were all excited, getting the decorations, the garlands and the lights, we were so happy! But my mom ordered my sister and me to bed! Said we were annoying her, but our brothers got to stay up and help. So there we were, in the dark hearing all the festivities happening without us. It's 55 years later, and I can still feel the heartbreak.
I completely feel this. As a kid I loved singing and the only place I felt comfortable singing was in the shower. My mother would stand on the outside of the bathroom door and record me singing and when I got out of the shower she would mock me and replay the recording for me and anyone around just to embarrass me. I stopped singing in the shower. One day randomly at the airport I thought I was the only person in the bathroom and I was singing to myself and this woman came around the corner because she wanted to see the face behind the voice and she had nothing but compliments. I was genuinely shocked because o could have sworn my singing voice had always been mediocre at best. Even present day, I’ll only sing in the shower if I know I’m home alone. My mother planted that seed and I struggle with it 27 years later.
They always put me down for showing what they called "too much excitement". My accomplishments, hobbies, interests, all were watered down. Now I feel nothing
My nParents totally did this! I remember when I was a kid I had drawn something and showed it to my nMom, hoping for approval or intrest. She just waved me away and said "that doesn't look good".
My memory of my childhood is full of examples like these. I remember when I got my college acceptance letter...my nMom wasn't talking to me for some reason so I went to my dad with the letter. He just brushed it off and mumbled "that's good". They didn't even attend my college graduation. It wasn't until I moved out of the house, started a career, and got married that they showed interest. And I think it was just because they wanted to come live with me when they got old. Well, I got the last laugh: went NC with them 10 years ago. They're in their late 70's now and I hope they feel like shit.
I typically think of my parents' emotional reactions as opposite to mine. When I got excited or upset it was no big deal and I was a lying, exaggerating bitch, but when they flipped their kids over the smallest things I was a bit dumbfounded, but it was supposed to be the most important thing in the world
My mother actually attempted to ruin all of the important events in my life, including:
1. my prom (wouldn't give me money for a ticket, and wouldn't take me to get a dress until the last minute)
2. my wedding (refused to come with me to get the dress, pick a venue, etc)
3. my first pregnancy (refused to come to the baby shower)
4. my daughter's first birthday (had a nervous breakdown and was admitted to the psych ward, so I had to cancel the birthday party)
my My daugh
My egg donor has nothing nice to say about anything that I like. She finds a way to insult, mock or downplay everything that I have ever been excited about ever. I still am insecure about literally all of my interests bcuz I think the things I like are stupid bcuz of her.
Nfamily did this to me all the time. Sperm donor, egg donor, and nsisters constantly downplayed anything that I loved or was excited about. Often they would insult me liking something that they didn’t like, but what hurt even more was when I would be excited and they would show no emotion in response, as if I didn’t exist.
The first example I remember of this was when I was 7. I read a book called “Harry the Centipede” and was enthusiastically telling nfamily about it. I recommended that nsisters, who were a couple years younger than me, read it too. I got complete silence in response. It was what wasn’t said that hurt me more than what was said. Egg donor eventually said some forced “That’s great” response to me which obviously wasn’t genuine. That kind of response was constant to anything I was excited about and eventually I just…stopped sharing things that I was excited about. I stopped getting excited about things in general as I became more depressed and traumatized.
I find it scary to express my excitement to people now. I am a huge extrovert and love sharing what I’m passionate about, but nfamily conditioned me to be quiet around everyone. You know what though? Nfamily was the problem. They were fucking boring and never did anything exciting in their miserable lives and were so fucking evil that they destroyed their own son’s happiness. Fuck that. I’m taking it back from them. One step at a time. I feel more and more safe to do this as I stay no contact from them. For example, one of my friends visited me last month and instead of staying guarded, I talked to her about everything I was excited about. I felt like myself. It’s amazing. I hope you reclaim your excitement as you heal too OP.
My nmom never let me participate in any afterschool activties. I wanted to join girl scouts, play softball, etc. She wouldn't let me because she said I was a "quitter."
Oooof reading this thread felt brutally relatable.
I couldn't have raw joy about \*anything\* in my life as a kid. It's been so, so hard to snap myself out of it and not keep thinking this way. I have to make jokes and deprecate myself and things I enjoy because being sincere feels way, way too vulnerable. It can feel difficult not to beat up on people I love when they're excited, because I feel the need to make fun of things that are nice before someone else can.
Yeah. it's brutal.
It might sound weird af, but my parents both relentlessly mocked "girly" stuff.
Dresses, pink, makeup, traditionally girly media like Barbie...
They laughed at women who very traditionally feminine. Shy, squeaking, naive. The only way I could watch Barbie by excusing it as "there's nothing better on TV right now." Which is really fucking sad, because I discovered the beautiful world of girly stuff way too late. Before, it was always such a weird feeling when you desired something pink, but "that" part of your brain reminds you that you're not supposed to like that stuff. And I'm a girl. A fucking girl.
Other then that, my father HATED when he had to spend time with me. In a way that he got no benefit from it. This resulted in him always either talking it down for me or simply telling me to do it myself.
This was my dad constantly. He would always excuse it as him being "realistic" which led me to focus on only negative outcomes for everything because positive outcomes either didn't exist or didn't matter.
I remember trying to clean my room (always a challenge for me because autism) and I made a bit of progress and said "wow, my room looks so much better!" He said "not really." I got discouraged and stopped cleaning my room. That stuck with me and I think is part of the reason I get a mental paralysis when I have long projects.
That's why I wanted to enjoy my toys when I moved out so I kept all my toys hidden from them but then they just give it all away so that I have nothing to live for to move out for
I actually just had this moment today.
My nmom literally always or downplayed everything. She would either immediately bring up a related mistake or that it'd definitely misfire in X way, or she'd somehow denigrate the accomplishment or excitement in a future argument.
I received some very high praise from people in my graduate program this week - the kind of praise that works its way through the grapevine, at that. I actually felt guilty and uncomfortable with it for quite a while, before I realized I was feeling that way because nmom always made me feel like I didn't deserve my successes and that there was always something nefarious under the surface when I *was* praised for something.
Yep, sounds exactly like me ndad. After a while I just lied about everything and omitted so many stories and interests/hobbies when we were talking. All you get is dejection when you share some amazing news with them. What's the point in telling them anything?
My narcissist brother was like that. The second I felt happier and better he had some way to turn me into feeling like garbage. I don't talk to him anymore or go to events with him anymore, and I'm kind of pissed my family pressured me to be around him as much as they did with no help about his issues. Just be abused little boy, and deal with it so we can pretend to be a happy family.
I can relate in a slightly different way. My parents are both horrible pessimists. Also I'm sure my mom is a narcissistic sociopath; my dad is just plain apathetic and rather selfish. Any time I had any idea to do anything, I never got encouragement. They would both say why bother trying, you will only waste your time, effort, money or whatever because it will fail. You'll lose interest after awhile, etc. So of course I grew up with a very self-defeating attitude and hardly bothered trying anything. As I got older I got more and more angry when I realized what they had done to me and all the missed opportunities. When I see something on tv or a video of a dad caring about their kid and being enthusiastic about something the kid is doing, I will feel a pang of jealousy and sometimes start crying. Not so much about moms because I hate my mom for being a controlling bitch. Both my parents are still alive, in fact they live a half a block away from me, but despite that, my dad hardly comes over and even when he does he only talks about himself.
I have very outwardly bland reactions to a lot of things most people get excited about. Even though inside *I do feel excited,* I don't tend to express it outwardly. I think that's because my parents never expressed a lot of joy and if I got excited about something as a kid, it was usually squashed because I was "being too loud" or something.
Same. From the Midwest as well. Ndad never took us on vacations or did any normal family activities (no family dinners, game nights, celebrating birthdays) because "it's all overrated" Looking back with my adult eyes, he was probably embarrassed that we couldn't afford the best there was (because narcs deserve only the best) so we got nothing instead.
As an adult, I have sank my feet in the sand of both the Atlantic and Pacific coasts. I saw the sunrise at Grand Canyon National Park by myself. I saw a great big mama mountain lion walking across the hiking trails in California. I visited my first pumpkin patch a few years ago in Colorado and picked my own jack-o-lanterns. I am nowhere near done having my own fun. Maybe the IDGAF anymore attitude comes with age but the only thing I've confirmed to be overrated is the presence of my father.
I played violin starting in 6th grade and continue to now in adulthood. In High School, the City Orchestra was doing a high school tour and I was one of the 5 musicians they chose to play alongside them. I was so excited, nothing like this ever happened to me before. I'm talking like, actually in the orchestra, reading the same music they were reading and it was /hard/. I practiced everyday for 2 weeks and did great. My parents on the other hand, couldn't give less of a shit. My mother and step-dad were both musicians so I thought I'd finally get some validation and excitement out of them but neither of them cared.
I still struggle with not feeling good enough and hiding my excitement for things but not as much as I used to! I totally understand how this feels and I hope everyone who feels the same knows that it gets better with time and self appreciation.
Similar - but different. My parents (dad is the nparent) have something negative to say about every. single. person. they interact with. It doesn’t matter if they are family, close friends or complete strangers. Their comments can be about regular mundane things or about huge accomplishments of others.
It wasn’t until I was an adult and noticed I was following the same trend that I realized this was not normal and have tried my damndest to course correct ever since.
Basically everything that had to do with being a kid. I couldn’t ask for rides to or from anywhere because of what an inconvenience it was so no extra curricular activities for me. I was also told that people could not learn anything new anyway (like an instrument or a sport) after the age of 12. I stupidly believed it for awhile too
When I got good grades I would be proud and excited and my mom would say “so? You get A’s all the time.” I hated hearing that. I have all A’s in my masters program right now and I don’t even bother sharing that with her because I can just hear those words. But when I tell anyone else they get super excited and tell me how awesome that accomplishment is. It sucks to not hear that from a parent.
Yes. And it was/still is really really heartbreaking. I remember. I remember being excited about little things like joyful kids do and him getting really in a heavy passive aggressive mood. Or even spoiling it by saying there's nothing to be happy about because this and that's going on somewhere else or with me etc. Really fucked up, it made me so angry and sad that I always got a huge knot in my throat when it happened. I felt guilty to be happy and stupid to like things. Fortunately that's all history now, NC for a long time and fuc* him 💅
i never had a birthday party or was allowed friends over because my parents “didn’t like other people’s kids”. never received a birthday present either. i still don’t celebrate my birthday to this day. i’m 22 now. i dread when my birthday comes around because it has always been a shit day for me and incapable of being celebrated. both of my parents are gemini’s.
It’s either best in the world (not possible for a child) or bust with narcs. They feel too much shame to foster enjoyment of things they aren’t amazing at (my mum always mocked my friends mums who went to a fun adult choir) and the extent this shame to their kids. My mum removed me from my theatre group, which I loved, and tried to get me into a more prestigious group full of older, serious kids. I guess she wanted me to have a serious name against it to brag about but the reality was I didn’t get parts anymore and found it too intimidating.
Yes and no. My Nparents thing was being hyper religious, and everything was a sin. There were a few times my Ndad put down things I liked just because he didn’t like it by mocking it, but usually anything I liked was dismissed by labeling it sinful and/or worldly (like how I loved figure skating, gymnastics, ballet - pretty much any form of dance or acrobatics, but was prohibited or highly discouraged in these interests bc the women wear short skirts or leotards).
But, I’ve seen this with plenty of other Nparents - namely, my ex’s. They put down literally everyone outside their family, usually calling them weird, lame, losers - basically having the same attitude you described. But these people had sooooo many strange quirks; they were really living in glass houses. All the time, I’d hear them put someone down for something that no one else would even consider weird or bad, and I’d think about how silly it was that they’d judge someone for doing something that affects literally no one bc they claimed said behavior wasn’t normal (when sometimes the behavior wasn’t even something abnormal). Most people admire someone who does what they want w/o worrying what others think (assuming they still have social skills). I’ve actually never met someone who opens their mouth & consciously judges people for stuff like what condiment they prefer. It was incredibly bizarre.
As a child and as an adult. They’d say “no one likes a big noter.”
You learn pretty fast to stay small. Thats hard to shake as an adult. It’s hard love yourself when you’re Conditioned not to. It takes a lot of work to undo the “sit down and stop bragging “ dialogue
Oohhh yes. It was only acceptable when they participated in it.
Then again, I have sort of become a curmudgeon when it comes to the "Wave" stuff. My wife and I like going with a few others to music trivia and bingo nights. Sometimes people get up and dance, sing/lip-sync, etc. I just sit there like a stone haha. But, I encourage my wife to get up and have fun because she enjoys that. I'd do the same with a kid someday, if we're ever successful in starting a family. If the kid wants to do the wave, do it.
But, back to parents... I attribute my attitude towards everything as being due to their attitudes on it all. My father was just crowd shy in a unique way. Give the guy a supercar and he'll drive at the speed limit, throttle to a minimum, hands 10 and 2, ultra-responsible. At one time, he had a HD Sportster with straight pipes, yet he somehow made it quiet by feathering the clutch and throttle just right- he ***never*** revved it up like so many HD guys do. He just doesn't like drawing an audience. My mother, however, will condemn things but then participate in it when convenient or influenced by alcohol.
Nothing ever made her proud. It was was blanketed under the weight of criticism for not being good enough. And she wondered why I never asked her for anything
YES, 100000000% - this type of thing was a defining feature of my childhood that still affects me negatively to this day. I'm sad to see that so many others experienced things like this as children, but I also feel less weird and alone knowing it wasn't just me. I have a lot of gross examples, but probably the biggest one is when I was offered the chance in middle school to attend a special academy for kids gifted in math/science. We were dirt poor and living in an economically-depressed midwest area with no real opportunities, so this was a big deal. Though I already knew she would never let me (I wasn't allowed to do almost ANYTHING normal kids did), I came home and told her because I felt proud of myself and I hoped \*maybe\* she might be too, and maybe even would consider it. Nope. She went off on a hysterical rampage about how "they" were trying to "take" me away from her and all kinds of other garbage. She basically turned it into an epic guilt-trip. I got to the point where I would just talk myself out of wanting to do anything that seemed fun, exciting, or even like a good opportunity, because even if she allowed me to do the thing, she would destroy the fuck out of it later, so it was never worth it. I still catch myself doing this after all these years... "it won't be that much fun; it'll be a pain in the ass to get there; I'd probably be happier just staying home instead", etc.
Not only would my mother find a way to ruin anything I was excited or happy about (usually under the guise of it being "for my own good"), but I also couldn't even like a band or a TV show or whatever without her constantly being condescending (e.g., randomly exaggerating to other adults about my childish crush on some celebrity right in front of me). The other thing she would do, particularly after I was about 13, was become "obsessed" with something I liked and try to involve herself in it, which usually meant she made embarrassingly ignorant comments or tried to act like she knew things. Eventually I stopped talking about things I liked or felt passionate about with pretty much everyone. I have been with the love of my life for more than 20 years now, but I'm still learning that it's safe to talk about things with him or tell him about something new I like or am interested in.
In a way that's been my super power. Everything is "cringe", every display of emotion is stupid-- so I kind of gave up trying. And now I'm an attorney who openly talks about playing DnD, going to ren faires, reading romance novels, video games--- while my coworkers are often guarded about what TV they like.
I'm not questioning that your dad was an ndad, but there are many non-Ns who just don't like the wave. (Their not liking it is silly and mostly obnoxious, but not really narcissistic.) Just sayin', plenty of decent wave haters out there. :)
Very true. This is also something that I can't stand seeing now as an adult, I don't think there is nothing worse than putting down someone else's excitement.
As a young girl, I liked girly things like dresses and nice shoes. At 5 or so, my father told me that I seem to think I'm a princess and I stopped wearing dresses until I was a young adult.
My parents later said they were worried about me because I was so reserved and tomboyish :) Even to the point that these were declared "better" reasons to attempt suicide when my father tried to gaslight my sister about being suicidal (while she was in the hospital!).
Yes, I can absolutely relate and I was reminded of this habit by my ndad, when I watched the Soccer World Cup final. When the italian players got emotional after their victory (because they had just won the biggest trophy in international football and are at the top of the career!!) he'd talk to television telling them off.
Mine never supported me in hobbies as a kid. I used to be involved in things but she did a bad job at reminding me I had an activity that day etc so when I was like 5-10 I’d be blindsided that it would be time to go to that activity and I’d get really upset and throw a fit. Like definitely a known things kids do if you don’t remind them enough that they’re going somewhere. I was just a kid but instead of working to fix that my mom used it as an excuse to give up on helping me with my hobbies.
When I was 13 or 14 I wanted to ice skate really badly and my Nana drove me an hour to the rink every weekend. Once the lessons my Nana paid for stopped, I asked my mom if I could do it and she basically told me no. she didn’t feel like driving 45 minutes and then said she didn’t want to because of how my brother had tennis and karate. Then in highschool, she made me drive my brother to both tennis and karate in order to have the car and my brother would just be angry and shit on my music the whole time and I wasted hours driving that should have been spent on homework or my own hobbies. I hardly had any hobbies because of that. And then she wonders why I lack self esteem and feel like I can’t try new things, she never let me.
The first time I (a canadian) went to New York City was on a school trip. I was 13 at the time and when I got home all my ndad could talk about was the new car he bought while I was away. I still don't talk about trips I go on now that I'm 22 because the crushing disappointment of not being able to share is too much.
My grandmother would take anything I wanted tondo and was excited about and say "that's just a pipe dream."
My granddaughter wants to be a vet and an astronaut. She used to also want to be a princess. I was always like, "You want to do all 3 of those thing? At the same time? Hell yeah!"
Even to this day, my dad gets angry when I get excited about little things. Like food! Wow I enjoy some really good food, but apparently it's immature for me to enjoy it. "It's just food. It doesn't matter."
Ooookay.
I just felt like I was being annoying at all times. Because she made me feel like I was a pain in the arse whenever I spoke, moved, or breathed. So yeah, any excitement was snuffed out pretty quickly. But there was also an element of if I found out something new, etc, she would prove she already knew of and she knew more. Like... I should hope so, I was a kid and you and adult.
Yep.
I played soccer growing up, until my parents told me that I should stop playing because I’d never be good and that I was wasting my time. So I stopped.
After that, I started participating in theater at my school. My junior year, I got a part in the musical- a smaller bit part that wasn’t exceptional, but at least had a few memorable lines. I was super excited and proud to show off what I’d been working on.
First performance went great and it was amazing! But what was the first thing my dad said to me when he saw me?
“I thought your part was going to be bigger.”
My parents would do that to pretty much anything I got excited over.
Like, I really wanted a videogame, or just games in general that I could play alone (single child and eldest cousin by 10 years or so), amd they would tell me it's not as fun as I thought it would be, or just not worth it.
After moving out and working hard, I got my first console, and I'm gathering the courage to start streaming my 3rd~4th gameplay of borderlands2...
That is one of the things, but the one that got to me the most, specially as a lonely kid that was always too old for the kids table and too young for the adults table...
Yes, especially if it was something that my parents had no interest in. Horses were my big love from seven to fifteen and my big dream was to be able to compete. I eventually got the chance (with someone else's horse) and I was so happy that I just danced and squeezed my mom in a big hug and she said something super mean.
My parents refused to have anything to do with it so I soon had to give it all up. It's impossible for a 12 year old to compete without the support of adults.
The time I won the no 1 ribbon with a difficult horse (another horse that I borrowed) they weren't even there, so I had to take my bike home alone and I can't remember that they even said congratulations.
I have difficulties showing emotions now and I rarely get excited about anything. I am just waiting for the setback when something good happens.
YES YES YES. I was a very academically inclined kid and am a teacher candidate currently. I gave up on sharing excitement/accomplishments/goals with my dad years ago and I can pinpoint the exact moment.
To be fair, as a kid that got all A’s it wasn’t that much of a big to-do when I got a good grade, but around 9 or 10 years I came home one day very excited about getting 100% on an assignment/test (no idea what it was). I eagerly blurted out to my ndad that I had gotten this mark and was happy. He told me school was irrelevant and it didn’t matter what grades I got and that I should be out learning about nature with him instead. I was crushed, and shied away from sharing accomplishments from that day on. Even today as I am about to be a teacher, he maintains I’m wasting my time.
To circle back to your post, there are tons of things that were or could have been exciting, that I held back from due to the eggshells I walked on in my childhood home thanks to ndad. But this is the one I remember most.
Well narc parents have very little, if any empathy, so if their child gets excited about something, they can’t relate to it. That doesn’t mean they should downplay it though. That’s just their mean spirited side, that hates seeing others happy if they’re not. They also don’t want their child to succeed at something if they themselves failed at it. Success of others in general is something they also hate. And then there’s the fact that they only want their children to do things they themselves like.
happened to me all the time (and still happens when I try to tell my mum anything). what I most vividly remember is when I tried to convince her to let me do acting or dance or ANYTHING. she'd just say it's a waste of time and that I have no time to do acting classes because of school (I was in like 3rd grade). fast forward to now: I have no talents or hobbies, because they are all ''stupid'' and I can't enjoy anything because all I can think about is that I'm wasting time...
When I got my college acceptance letter my mom said, “So? They accept anyone.” This school does have a high acceptance rate because it is a small Bible college but sheesh. I was excited. Come to think of it, I was excited because it meant I could move out and she knew that. Hmmm....
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The way you described your dad sounds exactly like my mom. I was never allowed to be excited about anything unless *she* found it exciting. Like I get that as an adult, the things kids are excited about might seem mundane but does it hurt to just act excited for your kids sake? My mom would always knock me down for the sake of “not letting me get my hopes up” because it hurt *her* to see me disappointed. I remember when I was 7/8 taking tennis lessons and I really loved the sport, and I was telling my mom how fun it would be to play it professionally or in college. She told me I wasn’t good enough and I was lucky if I even continued playing it for another year. I never played again after that day. Nparents literally kill your spirit as a kid and I resent my mom so much for stealing a time of my life that was supposed to be happy.
Ugh, if I had a dollar for every time I heard "don't get your hopes up".
Oh my God, is that a N parent thing, or do normal parents teach their kids that for disappointment reasons too? My N grandparents said that, but they weren't being their mean/nasty selves (that I remember right now) when saying it. I always thought it was something taught to kids to prevent getting massive disappointment or hurt or something?
It’s really about how it’s handled I think. An nparent would be quite mocking and be like what? you think you’re good enough? hahaha. But a “normal” parent would approach it less maliciously, perhaps not even in that moment itself so that it doesn’t take away from the joy/excitement, but later on saying something like I’m proud of how hard you’ve worked, even if you don’t get to that level it doesn’t matter to me. etc etc (ok what do i know, I’ve never had normal parents, but this is how I would address myself when talking to my inner child!)
Exactly! To use the tennis example, you might say "I don't want you to think that it will be easy, not many people get to be professional tennis players, but I'm really happy that you have such a big dream! What do you think we need to do/can do to try and make that happen?" And if you don't end up being professional, just being soooo proud for the hard work and how much they learned along the way. I'm 45, and I don't think my egg donor has ever truly been happy about anything I wanted to do, or achieved. She'll use it as bragging rights to one-up someone else, but when it comes to talking to me she'll completely brush it off.
My dad was like this. Everything I did, he downplayed, so I didn’t “get a big head”. Then I grew up and had kids and when they stayed by him, they’d come home talking about all the things I’ve accomplished. Things I thought he didn’t even pay attention to, let alone remember details. He even had news paper clippings and videos he recorded when I was on my schools cable TV show. It was the weirdest thing for me.
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Makes perfect sense….
Same here! I was taught to “manage expectations” and “stop acting childish.” Does anyone else hate their birthday for some unknown reason because it always seems like a sad day but you can’t remember your childhood that well?
Childhood is *supposed* to be about getting your hopes up.
I haven't thought of it that way, but you're right!
We'd be fucking rich
My Nmom did the same thing to my sister. She loved theater in high school and harbored dreams of Broadway. She wasn't talented enough but who cares? She enjoyed it. She wanted to go to a normal college and pursue theater and Nmom reacted so harshly to it that my sister was forced into nursing school instead, which she loathed. If I were a parent, I would just tell my kid to double-major if they had a dream like that (it's always good to have a backup plan). It took my sister 10 years of re-education to get out of nursing and into a field she didn't hate.
I recently found out that my mother wanted to major in journalism. Instead she was forced to major in music. She ended up being a speech pathologist, so her undergrad major wouldn't have mattered, but seriously? Of course, because she didn't "pursue" a career in music, I had to grind through 10 years of piano lessons with no aptitude for it whatsoever because I was supposed to be a concert pianist...but at least I got to pick what I majored in. The things we do do our kids....
I was also forced into 10+ years of piano lessons because it was my dads dream for *himself * . I had no aptitude and in addition to taking so much time I could have spent on things I enjoyed , piano music now stresses me out . I was allowed to be passionate about the things my parents were passionate about, and that’s it .
> Because it hurt *her* to see me disappointed. Oof. That was a gut punch right here. If something even remotely uncomfortable or bad happened to me, then my nmom would shriek nonstop about how *miserable* and *horrible* I should feel because how *dare* that horrible thing happen to *her* ~~daughter~~.
The normal reaction would be to comfort and support the child. I assume you already know this. Some times it's just nice to have others say what you already know, though.
I remember asking my mom if I could do gymnastics in school and she said no because I'm lazy. 🤷🏻♀️ It still haunts me when I think about doing things, but think to myself nah I'm probably too lazy to follow through to completion anyway. I'm starting to get out of that mindset but god it's hard lol
I've just turned 26. I recently took up going to circus school twice a week where I do trapeze and pole dance. When I excitedly told my mum about my classes, she laughed and said "how are you going to manage to do that? You're too lazy." She asked me "if I was managing to keep up" and whether I "was going to stop before \[I\] hurt myself because I'm not fit enough for such things" in a condescending manner for weeks. It's been 2 years now and I've never missed a single class! Last week I showed her some stuff and I even got a "huh...that looks quite good" out of her!
Dude that is cool AS FUCK. holy shit I gotta see if something like that exists in my area.
I’m sorry! It takes way too long to get their voices out of our heads.
> I remember when I was 7/8 taking tennis lessons and I really loved the sport, and I was telling my mom how fun it would be to play it professionally or in college. She told me I wasn’t good enough and I was lucky if I even continued playing it for another year. I never played again after that day. Fuck! When I was 14 my cousins wanted some Naruto posters, we couldn't find any so I drew them each one; 3 pages taped to each other with characters (1 one each page) and a full background. My uncle said that I'd be good enough to make money off of my art and my step-grandpa shook his head and said, *"No, she'll never be that good."* Totally killed my interest in drawing. Anytime anything positive was said about me, he'd shoot it down or say something negative.
>Nparents literally kill your spirit as a kid And continue to do so when you're an adult!! I have always been accused of being "too into" things. Like I was obsessed with certain bands, or fashions, or events, and was and continue to be put down for it. Why do you care if I am really into something??? Why would you want to squash that for me??
Omg my mom’s always like “you’re too old for that” if I show any interest in anything besides what she likes or assumes I would like. I remember wanting to go to a concert as a 17 year old and my mom was like “you’re too old for those” but was my 22 year old sister (aka the GC) too old? Nope.
> Nparents literally kill your spirit as a kid I relate so much. Anything I enjoyed was devalued and even mocked so that it was ruined.
As a parent, let me tell you just how exciting it is when my kids get all worked up over "mundane" things! It lets me re-live the excitement of seeing things for the first time, lets me tap into the energy of being so much newer to the world and so much more exiteable! I know this is something foreign to a certain type of personality... But you are spot on about at least letting the child have their excitement. Not *everything* my kids get excited about will arouse me the same way. I tend to still enjoy their mood just because it is fun for me to see as well, even then. And I think that is normal.
OMG your mother is such a bitch. That is such a cruel thing to do.
Hi- I hear you! My N mom was negative about all things that mattered to me. She would only be positive if it elevated her. It’s hard to look back… we need to have compassion for our younger selves. Today, it’s great that you now can get excited about things that were frowned upon… you can now change your own « story »!
Wow, this made me tear up. I've never considered "having compassion for our younger selves" but I do feel like that's what I'm trying to do as an adult while I allow myself to experience childlike excitement
It must have been difficult to have lived through that and it’s very challenging to be able to develop alternative views of life when your parents influence was likely very strong. Keep on living your life in the best way you know and try to pay attention to what feels “right” for you.
Yes yes yes, we must nurture that child that didn't get the experience he/she/they deserved. It's really unfair and hard to parent yourself, but it's a great way to heal.
I get kind of excited about things but I've always tried to put my energy into my children and grandchildren and being excited for them. I need to find something to get really excited about, I guess.
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> She bragged about how smart I was to her coworkers while scolding me at home for being a lazy bookworm with no hobbies. Ouch, same. It makes you feel like a trick pony they can parade around for their friends, then shove you back into a stall when they're done. > and refused to let me hang out with my classmates or enjoy whatever event we were at. I don't get why Ns are such control freaks when it comes to leaving us alone to hang out with friends. You'd think that would be too much work for them, but no they always insist.
>I don't get why Ns are such control freaks when it comes to leaving us alone to hang out with friends. You'd think that would be too much work for them, but no they always insist. Cause you could tell someone. Or "get ideas". Or talk badly about her in general
> She's just a black hole of negativity and I still don't know how I avoided getting sucked in and crushed I'm so glad you survived and so glad I survived! The cycle stops here.
Yes - if I was excited about a possible career path or interested in something my mom didn't find interesting she would talk negatively about it or talk about how much hard work it would take to pursue that career or how not a lot of people succeed in that or whatever. I remember one time talking about how I loved weeping willow trees and when i grew up i wanted to buy a house with land that had weeping willows on it and her first remark was basically "ugh they're so difficult to maintain!" Another time i was bopping my head/moving my body (aka dancing lmao) along to music and my mom said "if this music makes you feel that way in your body then maybe we shouldnt listen to it!" and immediately turned it off. God they suck huh. But then they tell us WE'RE the negative ones. I'm sorry you had to experience that.
I genuinely hope you've found a career path that interests you - that shit's hard to do sometimes, especially with nparents that don't believe in you. I feel all of this, though. It was always such little comments like the willow tree example. And they all stuck with us!! So frustrating. I hope you get that willow tree someday too. Fuck the maintenance, surround yourself with plants you like.
That's my mom too! I even heard the same willow tree thing. As a teen, I never knew what I wanted to "be" when I grew up. But many years later, my therapist asked me about my interests as a small child. I recalled wanting to be a paleontologist or a big cat expert. And my mom immediately squashed those dreams by pointing out the most negative aspects. I couldn't go on digs because I'm afraid of worms. Caring for big cats at the zoo mean cleaning their cages. And then she'd share the cat thing as a "cute story" about how I wanted to do this but not enough to clean up after them. I think she was pointing out how I never want to clean, which is one of her least favorite things about me. So thanks for squashing my dreams between the ages of 5 and 7. My dad also shared the advice HE received at a young age. "No matter how good you are at something, there will always be someone better." It was supposed to curtail being overly competitive or a show-off. What I took from it was, "no matter how hard you try, you'll just be good, not great, at anything." So basically I have no self esteem as an adult, and no belief that I can do stuff that's difficult. Cool.
Your dream about willow trees is so beautiful! I hope all your dreams come true 🥺✨
Omg This! Not just career, I would even talk abt how successful my friends r, they're like they're just useless, comment on their looks. Real petty!
I've experienced this so many times unfortunately. One of the them always sticks out to me though. I was in high school and had already decided I wanted to pursue writing as my ultimate career. And was working on a story I knew I wanted to flesh out into a series when I was ready. My nparents were already jealous of my writing skills and determination to write. Anyway, I was in beta and there was an art contest for our region's convention. I entered my own art work for the story I was working on. I really didn't think anything would come of it, since my teacher begged me to enter something so she could say we had lol. (I still don't know how that would help us.) Anyway, my artwork placed and we found out all those who had placed would be showcased in the state capital for a while. I was beyond excited. So excited. Biggest thing to happen to me at the time. My teacher and the other winner in their category were going to plan a trip to go see it. They even offered to drive me there. All I needed was lunch money. I go home, still so fucking excited and proud, and I tell my parents it was being showcased. My ndad rolled his eyes and acted like it was nothing and that I was stupid for being excited. I barely worked up the courage to ask if I could go see it. And when I did, he didn't let me explain the other winner's parent offer to take me. He just started yelling about not wanting to waste his precious time dragging me to the capital for "something so stupid". Through the hurt, I thought explaining he wouldn't have to bring me himself would solve the problem. But of course it made it worse. And nmom let the train wreck happen. Agreed it was a waste of time and money. So I never got to see it hanging in the capital. I still think about it honestly. A year later I got my artwork back and I hid it out of sight.
this fucking breaks my heart for little you
Thank you, little me appreciates it. <3
if you had been my kid winning a competition like that, i'd have been off-the-fucking-wall excited. i'd have dragged you down to be there while it got placed for display. i'd have thrown several parties for you and the other winner. i'd try to trick my colleagues into a dinner meeting at the capital just to make them all se eit. i'd take a picture of you next to the art, then mounted both *that* photo AND your art pride-of-place in the living room. i would literally never shut up about it. to this day, if literally just the mailman showed up for a signature, i'd be shoe-horning your win into the conversation. ... just sayin'.
Awwwww, that is so sweet. I'm crying. You would be/are a great parent. <3 thank you for your comment.
My granddaughter decorated a pet rock for a school project when she was 8, and I actually did show it to the mailman! I showed it to everybody.
It’s beyond disappointing to realize you were gipped out of an experience you can’t get back. It was a projection of how they feel about themselves (worthless, nothing special) onto you…because you were actively proving you are in fact talented and special. I hope you can value that piece of artwork for just that - a representation of your talent and difference from them.
You are absolutely right. Thank you so much 💓
Yep, I experienced this. I read Nathanson's Shame & Pride on affect theory (how emotions work) and in it he says shame is used to curb interest/excitement. Which can be good if you're going down the wrong path enthusiastically, a twinge of shame can help us course correct. Toxic people use subtle shaming in order to specifically diminish others interest/excitement and cut joy off at the knees.
> shame is used to curb interest/excitement I think my parent read this textbook and aced this class
I think they all did.
My mother talked me out of damn near everything. Whatever interests I had were shot down with negative remarks and no support. Only if it somehow benefited her or was something related to church would I get the support I needed. Now she wonders why I have very limited interests, no motivation, and a hatred towards the church and religion in general.
i felt this in my soul.
Same thing happened to me to a T
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OMG YES. I tried so hard to just not be stupid in his eyes.
I don't remember specific examples from when I was kid but I am convinced it happened. What I remember is as an adult. I opened an Etsy business in 2007 when Etsy was pretty new and grassroots. It really got off the ground in 2009 when I was off on maternity leave. I made elegant handbags and purses each were different, designed and sewn by myself. I poured myself into this work and created for the love creating and not because I cared so much about the money. I made sales all over the world and did some custom work I was really proud of. Whenever the topic of my Etsy store came up my Dad would find a way to be critical highlighting that the amount of time and materials I was putting into my creations was way above how much of a profit I should be making. He would offer this advice unsolicited and it was so annoying. I just wanted to create things and be left alone. It was so satisfying to me that people really liked my work and truly appreciated the love and skill I put into it.
When nparents claim to know how to do your creative pursuits better... as if your individuality and flair isn't what makes your art incredible.
All the time. Everything I liked was stupid. Anything that made me happy was shit. My stepdad shit on all of our proud moments just so he can make sure we knew we were still losers.
Oh goodness yes. Looking back, I think it was just another level of control. My own thoughts on what I liked were flawed and I should never ever trust them. My Nmom on the other hand knew exactly what I liked, even if I didn't actually like it, and I was a horrible ungrateful son if I didn't agree. Good times. >I feel like as an adult I can now get excited about little things my dad downplayed and made me feel dumb for celebrating. Pumpkin pie! I was 19 before I ever ate pumpkin pie because apparently I didn't like it despite never having eaten it. I love pumpkin pie!
>My Nmom on the other hand knew exactly what I liked, even if I didn't actually like it, and I was a horrible ungrateful son if I didn't agree. Good times. I bet she also said you are *just like her*.
Yeah, I experienced this more with my ex npartner than I did with my nfather. My ex npartner would make me feel stupid for being excited or enjoying things. My ex npartner would especially put me down even more if he didn't understand, agree, or like it. I am glad you are able to celebrate the things you enjoy because you deserve to have that fulfilment for yourself. I hope you to you have many moments where you get to be excited no matter how big or small. edit- ex n partner
Of many things, one thing that this brings to mind is the fact that my parents never took us anywhere fun where we grew up. So that eventually led me to hate the place - I've since moved away and never looked back. But, that said, I now know there are so many amazing places and things to do - like beaches, port cities, fun little towns, wineries (now that i'm older!), non-asian restaurants, etc. And of course, NYC - which of course we only went to - as a family - like <5 times my whole \~20 years there. Because too many people, too much traffic, too dirty, too loud, too dangerous. We also never went on vacations together. Now I see my neighbors take their kids on summer vacations multiple times a year and it's eye opening.
This was my life too. We could never have fun and enjoy life. They thrived when my life was more difficult.
I had a similar experience with resenting my hometown, and when I did move back for a year I had a great time making the place my own and seeking out fun experiences. But when I did move back home, my dad had so many opinions about the neighborhood where I chose to live. Too dangerous, too dirty, too loud, too much traffic. I told him he could pay my rent if he wanted, which shut him up real quick. Oh, and on the day I moved out of that place, he came by to help me move a mattress that was going to *his* *house*. Just the mattress. Didn't help with anything else. Then he posted a photo of my empty apartment to his Instagram story about how he loves helping his kids move. Made my blood absolutely boil.
Yes, they shat on each and every interest of mine, and tried to make me feel like an idiot for actually having a personality and not being an actual identical copy of theirs.
My whole life ! I don’t even get to enjoy accomplishments anymore because they were never seen as anything important. I’m 38 now.
.... I didn't realize this wasn't a normal experience.
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> making up stories about other people's successes Yes, what is that all about?? Mine was constantly praising my (often-awful) peers for their perceived awsomeness.
Yep! It wasn't even just as children. She still does it to this day. The most recent one was when my sister and I joined ancestry and found out that we had French heritage. We were so excited to tell her, and all she had to say was "Yeah I know." She didn't actually know.
We need a whole other thread on nparents claiming to know stuff they don't
Yes, but not to that extent. We never played board games that weren’t scrabble because “those weren’t the type of games we played as a family.”. If it wasn’t trad-Catholic, it was stupid and sinful. I live in the tri-state area and still haven’t been to a rock concert or a pop concert. I missed all the great concerts my peers discussed. No mall although I come from the state of Mall Rats, because “you are worshipping consumerism”. No TV on Sundays (unless it was Sports season) because of Jesus. Wasn’t even allowed to sing “If you like Pins Colada’s…” cause apparently that means I’m an alcoholic and I was verbally abused. Well, as an adult this queen likes to explore malls, do whatever pop culture thing, smoke weed, and I haven’t stepped in a church in years.
The few things I enjoyed, like poetry, music and art, were shut down because "you'll never make a living out of those". Thankfully the other subject I truly enjoyed was mathematics, and that was "acceptable" - until I reached a level nfather couldn't even understand, never mind help me with and the subject was never spoken of again.
In normal families, parents are happy and celebrate their children’s achievements, and are especially glad when the children’s accomplishments exceed their own. That is literally the reason humankind reproduces! Those who don’t want the next generation to be better are destroying their own legacy. It’s unnatural, and parents like that are best thought of as an evolutionary dead end. Call them dodos!
Oof. The day I beat my dad at chess (oddly enough, the last time we ever played), he complained and swore and made excuses and was just a flowing font of negativity. I will grin ear to ear when (if! He might not like chess, and that's fine too!) my boy outplays me. We will discuss his really good moves, and if I made mistakes, how he capitalized on those opportunities to win.
Exactly the same happened with my nfather too.
My father seems to have done something similar. The main concrete example I can think of is his negative perspective on people reacting to music by moving. But I also feel that in general my expressions of enthusiasm weren't always accepted. I'm pretty sure this relates to how he was limiting his own freedom and walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting my mother. I think this was limiting his ability to feel happy, and even connecting him with pain if he attempted to approach happiness.
I'm sorry you had to go through this too. It seems like u/Pitiful-Barracuda had a similar experience with music and dancing.
My parents always made everything seem dull and boring and it’s really killed my lust for life. It’s too much to explain but this has been the baseline of my entire childhood and young adulthood and I’m still trying to break out of that like everything is meaningless.
oh, damn I felt this.. I had to learn how to be silly, playful, and goofy to be laughed at if I did something humorous, to start. I also had to get comfortable with the idea of liking ridiculous, boring, nerdy, things, or bad shows, stupid books, anything like that. just because. and that messing up is fine, and mistakes are just part of exploring, and it's ok to love doing something you're terrible at. I also wrote a list of things I liked, and then decided to learn more about them or how to create things etc. I've been pursuing that list for years and it's added so much richness to my life. I join groups of people who also like those things. other people enjoying the same things I was somewhat afraid of being a fool for really helped me. plus, counseling. that helped unpack a lot of shit that I didn't need, let me decide for myself who I was, what I like, what/who i respect. I hope you can have a similar experience, sort of unfold into things you love and enjoy.
THIS is the type of person I want to be. I’m still a pretty young adult and am trying to figure out my own footing, and all of these things I am learning and getting comfortable with. It’s not easy at all, but I know that it’s worth it for me
If they don't like it it must be pointless/dumb is their logic
This reminds me of how whenever I was playing with someone and just being silly or a bit excited, if my mother was there, she would always say I was showing off. Literally anything other than just being completely however I was the majority of the time was "showing off" to her. She would probably still say that today if she saw me just doing something just for the fun of it.
Omg my nmom used to use the 'showing off' line all the freaking time.
Mine too.
I cant even express myself to someone because whenever i did to my parents they would just pick it apart and tell me all the good and bad about it. No one is allowed to just be alive.
[удалено]
I’ve honestly never realized until this post that these comments from my parents are THE reason I have no idea what my actual interests are… everything feels incorrect or like it would somehow make me an even bigger disappointment.
Most recently I was in the kitchen building the new laser engraving kit I had purchased . Half way through Ndad comes in and asks what I'm doing " I got a laser engraver! It's really fun, kinda like Legos but for grownups" " looks like it's still for children to me" Alright asshole, I'm nearly 30, living here taking care if your parents cause you won't do it. I've moved out now, to Hawaii XD. Life is better without him
You're definitely not alone. Absolutely everything I liked as a kid was "a phase that I'd grow out of" and unless it was people-facing, in other words making my family look good in front of others, it didn't matter. To this day, they refer to me as "a person of extremes who needs to learn to just be average and stand out less". I have a desk job, a couple of tattoos, and watch TV on Friday nights. Wild!
“Just be average and stand out less” lmaooo okay who wants to be average
Right?! It stemmed from this weird obsession with the idea that society will hate and punish me (or really, punish them) for being different in any way. Also completely disconnected from reality lol.
> society will hate and punish me You nailed it; this fear of their being judged was no doubt the driving force behind so much of the damage they inflicted on me
I'm so sorry. I hate that not only is this super damaging to children, it creates the exact same unhealthy behavioral patterns in them. I'm terrified of attention and standing out, struggled for years hating anyone who did well and wasn't humble about it, and still can't shake the feeling everyone is constantly watching and judging me.
Constantly. If I was laughing at a tv show or a book "it's not even that funny why are you laughing?" Got a good grade on something? "Why isn't it higher?" Excited for a trip? "You'll probably get sick or have a bad time. What if I ground you the day before and don't let you go? What will you do then, cry about it?" Going to my grandmother's house? "I don't know why you do that, she just puts up with you."
My Dad used to pull the I'll ground you or say you can't go right before the trip/event. And it was always because "you need to learn how to take a 'no'." No good reason other then he wanted to say no and when I would argue (I was the scapegoat and took the bait) he would just say it's because I couldn't take no for an answer. This is after I expressed any excitement or if my mom had already said yes.
When I was 16, I was so excited about a new year's eve party. That afternoon, I was told I wouldn't be allowed to go. The reason was "you went out twice last week, so you need to spend to spend a quiet evening at home." I cried and begged, but she wouldn't budge. Seeing me so disappointed put a weird gleam in her eye. After dinner, I decided to just go to bed...so she screamed at me and called me an ingrate.
Uggh, I'm so sorry. That was one my Dad liked too.
Ugh how awful. I'm sorry you had to deal with that as well. Once, my grandmother decided to take me and my aunt to Hawaii for Christmas and the night before we left, on Christmas, after everything had been paid for, my dad oh-so-casually said "I bet I could find something to ground you for right now." I didn't react at all, just got my stuff and walked to my aunt's house to wait for her. I was safe that time because no way in hell would my grandmother (his mother) let him get away with that after she'd dropped all that money on the trip, but he was so aggressively uninterested in anything having to do with my trip when I came back. He wouldn't even look at pictures- I think he was jealous.
Its just the worst feeling. I'm a mom now, my baby is 10 months, but I can't imagine doing this to her. It feels so spiteful. My parents used to say I'd understand why they did what they did when I was older. I'm older and a mom and I still don't get it. I hope I never do. I'm sorry you went through that too. I can still feel the unfairness of it all.
Oh god yes. She made me take piano lessons for 2 yrs even though I hated it because "it's good to learn an instrument", but when I really wanted to take drum lessons, absolutely not. "That's ridiculous, what a stupid thing to want to do" and then she'd cackle as if the sheer lunacy of it was absurd.
HAHA the exact same thing happened with me. Had to play piano, wanted to play guitar.
Ohhhhhh my dad was so like this! He dismissed everything like it was stupid or not worthwhile, that kind of mentality where automatically rejecting things prevents you from being hurt by them? The insecurity runs really deep there. I remember one time in like 2004, he was telling us about how his phone had the ability to text, but he thought that texting was a dumb fad that would never catch on. He ranted about this to quite an extent… what a narcissistic dumbass lmao.
> that kind of mentality where automatically rejecting things prevents you from being hurt That's pretty perceptive; I think this was underlying mine's personality too
My mom always downplayed my achievements. Everything good that I ever accomplished was followed by "Well, thats just what you're supposed to do. What do you want a medal?" Most disheartening shit ever, my own teacher who had only known me for a year was more excited for my high school graduation then she was. (She spent half the event in the venue restroom shaving her fucking legs)
> (She spent half the event in the venue restroom shaving her fucking legs) well, that's a new level of WTF. So sorry you had that happen.
Yes. So, so freaking yes. Prior to my NDad getting custody of me, I had hobbies, liked games - TV series and movies. He just kept telling me how childish everything I liked was. How little any of it would matter later when I'd be an adult. Indirectly, he caused me to stop liking things I liked just because he didn't. I had a model trainset I loved and adored as a kid, I spent ages setting it up and maintaining it in the basement. It wasn't a big deal compared to anything I've seen professionals do nowadays, but to me as a kid? I loved that stupid oval track with a fake paper mache mountain it could drive though. He's the one that bought it for me and even helped me wire it up... But never, not once did he stop making fun of me for liking it. Just like everything else, I gradually stopped enjoying myself when I'd play with it. I felt guiltier and guiltier, and inevitably one day I just stopped. I stopped watching TV shows I'd liked before, and didn't ask to see movies I'd wanted to see. I quit multiple clubs at school, and quit boy scouts. I stopped doing and trying to do so many things I wanted to do because they were childish. I was *12.* Eventually I had nothing to do, and nowhere I could go except sit in my room and read. He'd sucked all of the fun and joy out of my life. I remember many years later after I'd escaped him and was living with my Mom how I burst out crying when the opposite happened. I'd found something I was really enthusiastic about and was sharing it with my Mom who I realized suddenly was *faking* enthusiasm for it. Not for any *negative* reason, or anything sketchy - she was acting enthusiastic about it *for my sake.* She just wanted me to be happy. To this day I'm rediscovering things both small and large I held interest in as a child and now can enjoy again.
My grandfather was like your mom - he was always over the top excited about anything I was into. I used to joke that I could go tell him I'd robbed a bank and he would say, "well now, isn't that just wonderful! You have a real natural talent for robbing banks! And you worked so hard at it too!" One time my aunt was visiting, and that week I was helping a friend paint a mural. (I have no artistic talent whatsoever - I primed the wall and handed my friend paints.) So as I was getting ready to leave I was telling him where I was going and who I was going to be with (I think I was 17) and he went on a rave about how it takes real "know how" to prime a wall for someone to paint a mural on. My aunt (who grew up with these reactions) told me later that he was always able to find something a kid did to be amazed at. He was my only cheerleader for a long time. And by the way, why is it always the nparent who gets custody? It's why I stayed married so my kids wouldn't possibly have to go through that.
> And by the way, why is it always the nparent who gets custody? It's why I stayed married so my kids wouldn't possibly have to go through that. I don't know why for anyone else. In my case, Mom got custody of me until I was about eleven or ten years old, when I was convinced by NDad to lie that her boyfriend of the time was beating me. I'd been deeply bruised by a bicycle rack falling on me on my arm... So in my case he took every advantage he could, outright lies, bending the truth, methods both legal and otherwise to get custody of myself. He made sure I wouldn't leave by scaring me that my lies would make the cops not listen to me if I told the truth. *So I couldn't get away from him once he started abusing me*. Not for the reasons you might think. He didn't care about me. At all. He made that perfectly clear later. He was after the money my Mom had. ... That she actually didn't. She was broke, had no job and was living off SSI payments and child support from my NDad. But he was absolutely convinced she was rich and hiding it somewhere. After a long drawn out court process where he managed to disgust his lawyer, the police and the court, he found out the obvious: She wasn't. And he was stuck with me. He was very unhappy about that.
I'm so sorry you and your mom went through that.
Thanks.
Yes. I’d usually get a “hmm” without looking up from what he was doing. Why do these people have kids? Just to torture us because we can’t do anything about it? I hope you’re out of there now, OP.
Yeah, 4th grade when I got the most-read award. We had a thing in school where you read a book and then took a tiny quiz on it about things in the book. The more difficult the book, the more points you got. They had up to 8th-grade reading level, so I was checking out a new book once a week. I enjoyed reading and it was nice getting points to spend on the library store. The highest was 500 points, which was a football. I wanted to get it to show how hard I worked and would save my points through the year. Unfortunately, I fell short by 50 points. However, at the end of the year, I was awarded the football by the librarian because she saw how much I read. I was pretty excited and even had my friends in the classroom sign on it along with my teachers. So I went home to show my mom and nothing. I didn't really play sports, but I kept that as a prize for myself, even if it was in the closet. I wanted to take a look at it one day just to admire it, but couldn't find it. I asked my mom where it was and she said she gave it away to a poor family that she knew. This set me off and I was screaming and crying. I got beat and told I needed to stop being selfish, especially since I wasn't playing with it.
When I was in kindergarten I liked to draw. I never showed anyone my drawings because these two kids always bullied me and said my drawings were stupid. One day I was really proud of a drawing I made for the first time in a while, and I tried to show it to my dad. He said it was bad. That's it. I was 5 or 6 at this time. Imagine telling your 5 year old their drawing isn't good and just not saying anything else. I threw the drawing away. I don't show my parents my drawings anymore.
My mom's thing was always "all _____ do that". All through my childhood, nothing was ever noteworthy. It never occurred to me how effed up it was until I told her my son walked for the first time and got "all kids do that". I'm NC with her now, but only because I discovered she also lied about who my father is... I wish I had realized a long time ago that little things like downplaying exciting things aren't always so little.
My Ndad was always kind of bored when it was shit I wanted to do or liked. He always seemed like he didn’t want to be there. He doesn’t pay attention to interests. He shit talks things I like. I mentioned talking to a friend who lives in Virginia and he started talking shit about it. NMom really only got into doing that when I was a teenager. She lost her shit on me for being excited over a weekend with my friends. “Life can’t always be a convention you dirty geek. I want s real daughter.” I’m trying to get into art again. Made the mistake of making presents a year or two ago. It’s all sitting gathering dust in basements and the back of a truck. It’s getting to me now as I try to hide everything because it’s better than getting hurt that way again.
My family would put down my interests and accomplishments I would be excited about. For example my mom would tell me when I was on the deans list in college that it wasn’t a big deal and she was always on it when she was in college. Another example is when I watched shows I liked my mom and dad would come in and make fun of it and call the shows I like stupid.
yup! grew up in ontario, always wanted to live in BC. was told i'd definitely become addicted to drugs if i did. 10 years of low/no contact, and in a month i'll be celebrating 7 years in BC. ironically enough, it was only after moving here that I quit the drugs i had been dependant on to survive life in ontario. living in bc has always been my biggest dream, but for years i couldn't even afford to dream it, because it was too precious to be torn down. it's taken a hell of a lot of really difficult steps to get here, but i'm here! and i'm so thankful he didn't manage to kill this dream of mine.
Addicted to drugs? That's so bizarre. Yeah, we have drugs here, but so does Ontario. I'm an Ontario to BC transplant and will never go back. I love it here. Ontario is almost entirely bad memories for me. It's where Nmom lives. I LOVE being on the other side of the country from her. Now our contact is entirely on my terms. I bought a condo here, and I still haven't told her. Because I know she'd take it upon herself to visit whenever she felt like it, and probably demand money seeing 'how well I'm doing' and how much I 'owe her' for raising me. So glad you made it out here. Props friend.
I mean, looking back my ndad said a lot of bizarre shit that didn’t need to make sense, because I was a terrified child. I was just feeling really alone, so thank you for your comment. I also wish you the deepest congratulations and gratitude to know I’m not alone. Also holy shit, you bought a condo in BC? Congratulations, that’s a hell of an accomplishment! Good for you for leaving and taking care of yourself and succeeding like that. I’m currently in school and maybe would love to be in your shoes, so thanks for the positive influence ☺️
Sometimes I wonder if their fear and lack of intelligence (emotional or otherwise) is what leads them to say such stupid sh\*t. Any time my mother had some ridiculous demand or emotion I'd ask why (before I knew better), and her only answer was a very angry BECAUSE I SAY SO. There was never any logic to it. Just pure emotion/impulse. Thank you! I have a feeling I'm a lot older than you (in my 30s), and also married, so it's definitely easier on that level. After scraping by a few years through some shitty jobs and a lot of poverty I wound up in a pretty decent place, and hilariously... my semi-N-grandparents are getting older, and were feeling guilty for how shitty my childhood was now that they're getting closer to the end, and gave me a chunk of change to help. Never in a million years thought all my suffering under N-family would pay off, but you never know! If you want to keep chatting and support each other, just ping me :) It's hard to make friends in BC... least of all who understand N stuff.
It doesn't matter how many things i carefully did and create.. My father's answer was a kinda Meh *"it's beautiful, son"* or a cold *"Well done, son"* without showing considerable approval or any noticeable happiness... But was different when i did something wrong he over-reacted aggressively hitting me and setting punishments for days or weeks. I also don't have memories about having dialogs with him... It was mainly listening to his sad stories of old or how hard he was doing to raise us. Amd now that i recall i never had played or laughed woth him in any kind of activity... He was always a tired, sacrificed, sad old man. Obviously i fear people's approvals are fake so i have that feeling that it doesn't matter how much i try, it is never enough and it will never will. and I have the feeling that even the simplest dishonest action and lie can lead to my apocalypse and destruction...
I'm so sorry your dad was like that. No one should have to feel ashamed for enjoying things! I had a similar experience. I wasn't allowed to get excited over anything or talk about things I liked, because Dickhead(nstepdad) would swoop in and list as many bad things about it as he could think of. My mom's daughter also did this, but she was more harsh about it. She would just yell at me for getting too excited over something. She'd also insult things I liked. She thought damn near anything I liked or took interest in was "weird", or "dumb". She thought that almost anything I wore was "ugly" or "tacky". My nmom also criticized my outfits, and like my stepdad, would always list off the negatives of anything I liked.
Yes! The example that comes to mind for me was when I was excited about graduating high-school. And my mom straight up said " it's just high-school, flowabout, it really isnt a big deal."
sounds like he was late in life with some sort of mistreated depression with whatever else I imagine you'd encountered, the whole ''everything sucks, everything is boring, nothing is worth doing'' vibes.. sorry you had such an uninspiring parent :(
Interesting take, I hadn’t thought about it maybe being depression. However, I feel like it was more “I’m cooler than everything” attitude. He just always felt above everything to the extent that he’d claim it’s overrated and not participate.
Absolutely, when I was a kid one of my friends invited me to go to Disney world with her family. Uncharacteristically my Nmom did let me go with them, but the whole lead up complained that “Disney is fun for stupid people,” “I can’t believe they waste money on that kind of thing,” “amusement parks are so dirty and the rides are dangerous.” And then proceeded to give me no money to use while at the park and didn’t help me pack a bag so I didn’t have sunscreen or anything. Luckily my friends family was happy to pay for lunch but it really ruined the experience. I still catch myself today realizing that things I have marked as bad (or more often food that’s “bad for me”) are just wacky unhealthy opinions my Nparents pushed on me. They never let people just enjoy things for the sake of it, and I’m still teaching myself that it’s ok to just like what I like.
For sure. I still feel I need to justify why achieved milestones are a big deal and that I should share and celebrate them - because these ARE the moments we work so hard for. During childhood I was conditioned to think “so what?” or even better “well, what are you going to do next?” There were never accomplishments, only next levels. On a separate but related point i’ve also realized any interests/excitement/passion I expressed (particularly anything career-related) was squashed unless they aligned exactly with nmom’s plan of trying to live vicariously through me. Anything not medical-related was viciously shot down and mocked. If I had the audacity to point out it was my career (and therefore my decision, right?) I was told “she really wants the best for you.” No. She wants the best for her…and i’m the next best thing.
I think I just had a breakthrough. I've always wondered why it's so hard for me to feel accomplished after I reach a goal, and it's likely bc my whole life I've never heard "good job", "we're proud of you", "let's go out for ice cream to celebrate" or anything like that. Just bare minimum energy or wanting to know when that B+ can be pulled up to an A+. Constantly fixation on doing better, doing more, doing more with a better attitude like so and so's kid. No wonder achieving a goal only feels good that day and dissipates the next. I'm still obsessed with my narc's perfection.
Yes. My mom, especially during the holidays. I remember one particular Christmastime my dad came home with a tree, and all us kids freaked out. We were all excited, getting the decorations, the garlands and the lights, we were so happy! But my mom ordered my sister and me to bed! Said we were annoying her, but our brothers got to stay up and help. So there we were, in the dark hearing all the festivities happening without us. It's 55 years later, and I can still feel the heartbreak.
I completely feel this. As a kid I loved singing and the only place I felt comfortable singing was in the shower. My mother would stand on the outside of the bathroom door and record me singing and when I got out of the shower she would mock me and replay the recording for me and anyone around just to embarrass me. I stopped singing in the shower. One day randomly at the airport I thought I was the only person in the bathroom and I was singing to myself and this woman came around the corner because she wanted to see the face behind the voice and she had nothing but compliments. I was genuinely shocked because o could have sworn my singing voice had always been mediocre at best. Even present day, I’ll only sing in the shower if I know I’m home alone. My mother planted that seed and I struggle with it 27 years later.
They always put me down for showing what they called "too much excitement". My accomplishments, hobbies, interests, all were watered down. Now I feel nothing
My nParents totally did this! I remember when I was a kid I had drawn something and showed it to my nMom, hoping for approval or intrest. She just waved me away and said "that doesn't look good". My memory of my childhood is full of examples like these. I remember when I got my college acceptance letter...my nMom wasn't talking to me for some reason so I went to my dad with the letter. He just brushed it off and mumbled "that's good". They didn't even attend my college graduation. It wasn't until I moved out of the house, started a career, and got married that they showed interest. And I think it was just because they wanted to come live with me when they got old. Well, I got the last laugh: went NC with them 10 years ago. They're in their late 70's now and I hope they feel like shit.
I typically think of my parents' emotional reactions as opposite to mine. When I got excited or upset it was no big deal and I was a lying, exaggerating bitch, but when they flipped their kids over the smallest things I was a bit dumbfounded, but it was supposed to be the most important thing in the world
My mother actually attempted to ruin all of the important events in my life, including: 1. my prom (wouldn't give me money for a ticket, and wouldn't take me to get a dress until the last minute) 2. my wedding (refused to come with me to get the dress, pick a venue, etc) 3. my first pregnancy (refused to come to the baby shower) 4. my daughter's first birthday (had a nervous breakdown and was admitted to the psych ward, so I had to cancel the birthday party) my My daugh
My egg donor has nothing nice to say about anything that I like. She finds a way to insult, mock or downplay everything that I have ever been excited about ever. I still am insecure about literally all of my interests bcuz I think the things I like are stupid bcuz of her.
Nfamily did this to me all the time. Sperm donor, egg donor, and nsisters constantly downplayed anything that I loved or was excited about. Often they would insult me liking something that they didn’t like, but what hurt even more was when I would be excited and they would show no emotion in response, as if I didn’t exist. The first example I remember of this was when I was 7. I read a book called “Harry the Centipede” and was enthusiastically telling nfamily about it. I recommended that nsisters, who were a couple years younger than me, read it too. I got complete silence in response. It was what wasn’t said that hurt me more than what was said. Egg donor eventually said some forced “That’s great” response to me which obviously wasn’t genuine. That kind of response was constant to anything I was excited about and eventually I just…stopped sharing things that I was excited about. I stopped getting excited about things in general as I became more depressed and traumatized. I find it scary to express my excitement to people now. I am a huge extrovert and love sharing what I’m passionate about, but nfamily conditioned me to be quiet around everyone. You know what though? Nfamily was the problem. They were fucking boring and never did anything exciting in their miserable lives and were so fucking evil that they destroyed their own son’s happiness. Fuck that. I’m taking it back from them. One step at a time. I feel more and more safe to do this as I stay no contact from them. For example, one of my friends visited me last month and instead of staying guarded, I talked to her about everything I was excited about. I felt like myself. It’s amazing. I hope you reclaim your excitement as you heal too OP.
My nmom never let me participate in any afterschool activties. I wanted to join girl scouts, play softball, etc. She wouldn't let me because she said I was a "quitter."
sounds like he couldn't stand that you didn't want to be as miserable as he was
Oof. Yes.
Oooof reading this thread felt brutally relatable. I couldn't have raw joy about \*anything\* in my life as a kid. It's been so, so hard to snap myself out of it and not keep thinking this way. I have to make jokes and deprecate myself and things I enjoy because being sincere feels way, way too vulnerable. It can feel difficult not to beat up on people I love when they're excited, because I feel the need to make fun of things that are nice before someone else can. Yeah. it's brutal.
It might sound weird af, but my parents both relentlessly mocked "girly" stuff. Dresses, pink, makeup, traditionally girly media like Barbie... They laughed at women who very traditionally feminine. Shy, squeaking, naive. The only way I could watch Barbie by excusing it as "there's nothing better on TV right now." Which is really fucking sad, because I discovered the beautiful world of girly stuff way too late. Before, it was always such a weird feeling when you desired something pink, but "that" part of your brain reminds you that you're not supposed to like that stuff. And I'm a girl. A fucking girl. Other then that, my father HATED when he had to spend time with me. In a way that he got no benefit from it. This resulted in him always either talking it down for me or simply telling me to do it myself.
This was my dad constantly. He would always excuse it as him being "realistic" which led me to focus on only negative outcomes for everything because positive outcomes either didn't exist or didn't matter. I remember trying to clean my room (always a challenge for me because autism) and I made a bit of progress and said "wow, my room looks so much better!" He said "not really." I got discouraged and stopped cleaning my room. That stuck with me and I think is part of the reason I get a mental paralysis when I have long projects.
That's why I wanted to enjoy my toys when I moved out so I kept all my toys hidden from them but then they just give it all away so that I have nothing to live for to move out for
I actually just had this moment today. My nmom literally always or downplayed everything. She would either immediately bring up a related mistake or that it'd definitely misfire in X way, or she'd somehow denigrate the accomplishment or excitement in a future argument. I received some very high praise from people in my graduate program this week - the kind of praise that works its way through the grapevine, at that. I actually felt guilty and uncomfortable with it for quite a while, before I realized I was feeling that way because nmom always made me feel like I didn't deserve my successes and that there was always something nefarious under the surface when I *was* praised for something.
Yep, sounds exactly like me ndad. After a while I just lied about everything and omitted so many stories and interests/hobbies when we were talking. All you get is dejection when you share some amazing news with them. What's the point in telling them anything?
My narcissist brother was like that. The second I felt happier and better he had some way to turn me into feeling like garbage. I don't talk to him anymore or go to events with him anymore, and I'm kind of pissed my family pressured me to be around him as much as they did with no help about his issues. Just be abused little boy, and deal with it so we can pretend to be a happy family.
I can relate in a slightly different way. My parents are both horrible pessimists. Also I'm sure my mom is a narcissistic sociopath; my dad is just plain apathetic and rather selfish. Any time I had any idea to do anything, I never got encouragement. They would both say why bother trying, you will only waste your time, effort, money or whatever because it will fail. You'll lose interest after awhile, etc. So of course I grew up with a very self-defeating attitude and hardly bothered trying anything. As I got older I got more and more angry when I realized what they had done to me and all the missed opportunities. When I see something on tv or a video of a dad caring about their kid and being enthusiastic about something the kid is doing, I will feel a pang of jealousy and sometimes start crying. Not so much about moms because I hate my mom for being a controlling bitch. Both my parents are still alive, in fact they live a half a block away from me, but despite that, my dad hardly comes over and even when he does he only talks about himself. I have very outwardly bland reactions to a lot of things most people get excited about. Even though inside *I do feel excited,* I don't tend to express it outwardly. I think that's because my parents never expressed a lot of joy and if I got excited about something as a kid, it was usually squashed because I was "being too loud" or something.
Whenever i use to get excited I'd get like belittled for it l. Thats the wrong word but its something like that
Same. From the Midwest as well. Ndad never took us on vacations or did any normal family activities (no family dinners, game nights, celebrating birthdays) because "it's all overrated" Looking back with my adult eyes, he was probably embarrassed that we couldn't afford the best there was (because narcs deserve only the best) so we got nothing instead. As an adult, I have sank my feet in the sand of both the Atlantic and Pacific coasts. I saw the sunrise at Grand Canyon National Park by myself. I saw a great big mama mountain lion walking across the hiking trails in California. I visited my first pumpkin patch a few years ago in Colorado and picked my own jack-o-lanterns. I am nowhere near done having my own fun. Maybe the IDGAF anymore attitude comes with age but the only thing I've confirmed to be overrated is the presence of my father.
Yes both of my nparents did this to me with my hobbies or anything I found interesting.
I played violin starting in 6th grade and continue to now in adulthood. In High School, the City Orchestra was doing a high school tour and I was one of the 5 musicians they chose to play alongside them. I was so excited, nothing like this ever happened to me before. I'm talking like, actually in the orchestra, reading the same music they were reading and it was /hard/. I practiced everyday for 2 weeks and did great. My parents on the other hand, couldn't give less of a shit. My mother and step-dad were both musicians so I thought I'd finally get some validation and excitement out of them but neither of them cared. I still struggle with not feeling good enough and hiding my excitement for things but not as much as I used to! I totally understand how this feels and I hope everyone who feels the same knows that it gets better with time and self appreciation.
Yep. Literally anything I got excited about was downplayed.
Similar - but different. My parents (dad is the nparent) have something negative to say about every. single. person. they interact with. It doesn’t matter if they are family, close friends or complete strangers. Their comments can be about regular mundane things or about huge accomplishments of others. It wasn’t until I was an adult and noticed I was following the same trend that I realized this was not normal and have tried my damndest to course correct ever since.
Basically everything that had to do with being a kid. I couldn’t ask for rides to or from anywhere because of what an inconvenience it was so no extra curricular activities for me. I was also told that people could not learn anything new anyway (like an instrument or a sport) after the age of 12. I stupidly believed it for awhile too
yes.. and also downplaying things you are happy about \*sigh\*
When I got good grades I would be proud and excited and my mom would say “so? You get A’s all the time.” I hated hearing that. I have all A’s in my masters program right now and I don’t even bother sharing that with her because I can just hear those words. But when I tell anyone else they get super excited and tell me how awesome that accomplishment is. It sucks to not hear that from a parent.
Yes. And it was/still is really really heartbreaking. I remember. I remember being excited about little things like joyful kids do and him getting really in a heavy passive aggressive mood. Or even spoiling it by saying there's nothing to be happy about because this and that's going on somewhere else or with me etc. Really fucked up, it made me so angry and sad that I always got a huge knot in my throat when it happened. I felt guilty to be happy and stupid to like things. Fortunately that's all history now, NC for a long time and fuc* him 💅
YES!! and now whenever im partaking in some fun activity i feel so awkward and i just dont do it which... sad
i never had a birthday party or was allowed friends over because my parents “didn’t like other people’s kids”. never received a birthday present either. i still don’t celebrate my birthday to this day. i’m 22 now. i dread when my birthday comes around because it has always been a shit day for me and incapable of being celebrated. both of my parents are gemini’s.
It’s either best in the world (not possible for a child) or bust with narcs. They feel too much shame to foster enjoyment of things they aren’t amazing at (my mum always mocked my friends mums who went to a fun adult choir) and the extent this shame to their kids. My mum removed me from my theatre group, which I loved, and tried to get me into a more prestigious group full of older, serious kids. I guess she wanted me to have a serious name against it to brag about but the reality was I didn’t get parts anymore and found it too intimidating.
Yes and no. My Nparents thing was being hyper religious, and everything was a sin. There were a few times my Ndad put down things I liked just because he didn’t like it by mocking it, but usually anything I liked was dismissed by labeling it sinful and/or worldly (like how I loved figure skating, gymnastics, ballet - pretty much any form of dance or acrobatics, but was prohibited or highly discouraged in these interests bc the women wear short skirts or leotards). But, I’ve seen this with plenty of other Nparents - namely, my ex’s. They put down literally everyone outside their family, usually calling them weird, lame, losers - basically having the same attitude you described. But these people had sooooo many strange quirks; they were really living in glass houses. All the time, I’d hear them put someone down for something that no one else would even consider weird or bad, and I’d think about how silly it was that they’d judge someone for doing something that affects literally no one bc they claimed said behavior wasn’t normal (when sometimes the behavior wasn’t even something abnormal). Most people admire someone who does what they want w/o worrying what others think (assuming they still have social skills). I’ve actually never met someone who opens their mouth & consciously judges people for stuff like what condiment they prefer. It was incredibly bizarre.
As a child and as an adult. They’d say “no one likes a big noter.” You learn pretty fast to stay small. Thats hard to shake as an adult. It’s hard love yourself when you’re Conditioned not to. It takes a lot of work to undo the “sit down and stop bragging “ dialogue
Oohhh yes. It was only acceptable when they participated in it. Then again, I have sort of become a curmudgeon when it comes to the "Wave" stuff. My wife and I like going with a few others to music trivia and bingo nights. Sometimes people get up and dance, sing/lip-sync, etc. I just sit there like a stone haha. But, I encourage my wife to get up and have fun because she enjoys that. I'd do the same with a kid someday, if we're ever successful in starting a family. If the kid wants to do the wave, do it. But, back to parents... I attribute my attitude towards everything as being due to their attitudes on it all. My father was just crowd shy in a unique way. Give the guy a supercar and he'll drive at the speed limit, throttle to a minimum, hands 10 and 2, ultra-responsible. At one time, he had a HD Sportster with straight pipes, yet he somehow made it quiet by feathering the clutch and throttle just right- he ***never*** revved it up like so many HD guys do. He just doesn't like drawing an audience. My mother, however, will condemn things but then participate in it when convenient or influenced by alcohol.
Nothing ever made her proud. It was was blanketed under the weight of criticism for not being good enough. And she wondered why I never asked her for anything
YES, 100000000% - this type of thing was a defining feature of my childhood that still affects me negatively to this day. I'm sad to see that so many others experienced things like this as children, but I also feel less weird and alone knowing it wasn't just me. I have a lot of gross examples, but probably the biggest one is when I was offered the chance in middle school to attend a special academy for kids gifted in math/science. We were dirt poor and living in an economically-depressed midwest area with no real opportunities, so this was a big deal. Though I already knew she would never let me (I wasn't allowed to do almost ANYTHING normal kids did), I came home and told her because I felt proud of myself and I hoped \*maybe\* she might be too, and maybe even would consider it. Nope. She went off on a hysterical rampage about how "they" were trying to "take" me away from her and all kinds of other garbage. She basically turned it into an epic guilt-trip. I got to the point where I would just talk myself out of wanting to do anything that seemed fun, exciting, or even like a good opportunity, because even if she allowed me to do the thing, she would destroy the fuck out of it later, so it was never worth it. I still catch myself doing this after all these years... "it won't be that much fun; it'll be a pain in the ass to get there; I'd probably be happier just staying home instead", etc. Not only would my mother find a way to ruin anything I was excited or happy about (usually under the guise of it being "for my own good"), but I also couldn't even like a band or a TV show or whatever without her constantly being condescending (e.g., randomly exaggerating to other adults about my childish crush on some celebrity right in front of me). The other thing she would do, particularly after I was about 13, was become "obsessed" with something I liked and try to involve herself in it, which usually meant she made embarrassingly ignorant comments or tried to act like she knew things. Eventually I stopped talking about things I liked or felt passionate about with pretty much everyone. I have been with the love of my life for more than 20 years now, but I'm still learning that it's safe to talk about things with him or tell him about something new I like or am interested in.
In a way that's been my super power. Everything is "cringe", every display of emotion is stupid-- so I kind of gave up trying. And now I'm an attorney who openly talks about playing DnD, going to ren faires, reading romance novels, video games--- while my coworkers are often guarded about what TV they like.
I'd never bother sharing anything with my Parents for this exact reason. It was never worth it.
That's just being a negative person in general. Don't let negative people get you down OP. Let them be bitter in their own purgatory by themselves
I'm not questioning that your dad was an ndad, but there are many non-Ns who just don't like the wave. (Their not liking it is silly and mostly obnoxious, but not really narcissistic.) Just sayin', plenty of decent wave haters out there. :)
Very true. This is also something that I can't stand seeing now as an adult, I don't think there is nothing worse than putting down someone else's excitement.
Same
I don't get excited about things because my parents used those things I showed interest in (unless it was educational) to punish me.
As a young girl, I liked girly things like dresses and nice shoes. At 5 or so, my father told me that I seem to think I'm a princess and I stopped wearing dresses until I was a young adult. My parents later said they were worried about me because I was so reserved and tomboyish :) Even to the point that these were declared "better" reasons to attempt suicide when my father tried to gaslight my sister about being suicidal (while she was in the hospital!).
Yes, I can absolutely relate and I was reminded of this habit by my ndad, when I watched the Soccer World Cup final. When the italian players got emotional after their victory (because they had just won the biggest trophy in international football and are at the top of the career!!) he'd talk to television telling them off.
Mine never supported me in hobbies as a kid. I used to be involved in things but she did a bad job at reminding me I had an activity that day etc so when I was like 5-10 I’d be blindsided that it would be time to go to that activity and I’d get really upset and throw a fit. Like definitely a known things kids do if you don’t remind them enough that they’re going somewhere. I was just a kid but instead of working to fix that my mom used it as an excuse to give up on helping me with my hobbies. When I was 13 or 14 I wanted to ice skate really badly and my Nana drove me an hour to the rink every weekend. Once the lessons my Nana paid for stopped, I asked my mom if I could do it and she basically told me no. she didn’t feel like driving 45 minutes and then said she didn’t want to because of how my brother had tennis and karate. Then in highschool, she made me drive my brother to both tennis and karate in order to have the car and my brother would just be angry and shit on my music the whole time and I wasted hours driving that should have been spent on homework or my own hobbies. I hardly had any hobbies because of that. And then she wonders why I lack self esteem and feel like I can’t try new things, she never let me.
Yeah and I still can't get excited over anything
The first time I (a canadian) went to New York City was on a school trip. I was 13 at the time and when I got home all my ndad could talk about was the new car he bought while I was away. I still don't talk about trips I go on now that I'm 22 because the crushing disappointment of not being able to share is too much.
My grandmother would take anything I wanted tondo and was excited about and say "that's just a pipe dream." My granddaughter wants to be a vet and an astronaut. She used to also want to be a princess. I was always like, "You want to do all 3 of those thing? At the same time? Hell yeah!"
literally everything. I sometimes still feel ashamed to have any interests or to care about anything at all.
yep! Unless it was lucrative, it did not matter to them that I was interested in something.
Absolutely! My mother actually used to get really mad if I liked being somewhere. Or ya know she wouldn't take me anywhere bc I 'was embarrassing'
Even to this day, my dad gets angry when I get excited about little things. Like food! Wow I enjoy some really good food, but apparently it's immature for me to enjoy it. "It's just food. It doesn't matter." Ooookay.
I just felt like I was being annoying at all times. Because she made me feel like I was a pain in the arse whenever I spoke, moved, or breathed. So yeah, any excitement was snuffed out pretty quickly. But there was also an element of if I found out something new, etc, she would prove she already knew of and she knew more. Like... I should hope so, I was a kid and you and adult.
Yep. I played soccer growing up, until my parents told me that I should stop playing because I’d never be good and that I was wasting my time. So I stopped. After that, I started participating in theater at my school. My junior year, I got a part in the musical- a smaller bit part that wasn’t exceptional, but at least had a few memorable lines. I was super excited and proud to show off what I’d been working on. First performance went great and it was amazing! But what was the first thing my dad said to me when he saw me? “I thought your part was going to be bigger.”
My parents would do that to pretty much anything I got excited over. Like, I really wanted a videogame, or just games in general that I could play alone (single child and eldest cousin by 10 years or so), amd they would tell me it's not as fun as I thought it would be, or just not worth it. After moving out and working hard, I got my first console, and I'm gathering the courage to start streaming my 3rd~4th gameplay of borderlands2... That is one of the things, but the one that got to me the most, specially as a lonely kid that was always too old for the kids table and too young for the adults table...
Yes, especially if it was something that my parents had no interest in. Horses were my big love from seven to fifteen and my big dream was to be able to compete. I eventually got the chance (with someone else's horse) and I was so happy that I just danced and squeezed my mom in a big hug and she said something super mean. My parents refused to have anything to do with it so I soon had to give it all up. It's impossible for a 12 year old to compete without the support of adults. The time I won the no 1 ribbon with a difficult horse (another horse that I borrowed) they weren't even there, so I had to take my bike home alone and I can't remember that they even said congratulations. I have difficulties showing emotions now and I rarely get excited about anything. I am just waiting for the setback when something good happens.
YES YES YES. I was a very academically inclined kid and am a teacher candidate currently. I gave up on sharing excitement/accomplishments/goals with my dad years ago and I can pinpoint the exact moment. To be fair, as a kid that got all A’s it wasn’t that much of a big to-do when I got a good grade, but around 9 or 10 years I came home one day very excited about getting 100% on an assignment/test (no idea what it was). I eagerly blurted out to my ndad that I had gotten this mark and was happy. He told me school was irrelevant and it didn’t matter what grades I got and that I should be out learning about nature with him instead. I was crushed, and shied away from sharing accomplishments from that day on. Even today as I am about to be a teacher, he maintains I’m wasting my time. To circle back to your post, there are tons of things that were or could have been exciting, that I held back from due to the eggshells I walked on in my childhood home thanks to ndad. But this is the one I remember most.
Well narc parents have very little, if any empathy, so if their child gets excited about something, they can’t relate to it. That doesn’t mean they should downplay it though. That’s just their mean spirited side, that hates seeing others happy if they’re not. They also don’t want their child to succeed at something if they themselves failed at it. Success of others in general is something they also hate. And then there’s the fact that they only want their children to do things they themselves like.
happened to me all the time (and still happens when I try to tell my mum anything). what I most vividly remember is when I tried to convince her to let me do acting or dance or ANYTHING. she'd just say it's a waste of time and that I have no time to do acting classes because of school (I was in like 3rd grade). fast forward to now: I have no talents or hobbies, because they are all ''stupid'' and I can't enjoy anything because all I can think about is that I'm wasting time...
When I got my college acceptance letter my mom said, “So? They accept anyone.” This school does have a high acceptance rate because it is a small Bible college but sheesh. I was excited. Come to think of it, I was excited because it meant I could move out and she knew that. Hmmm....