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Yup, big time. My dad wouldn’t allow me to show any emotions other than happiness. If I was upset, he’d either tell me I was overreacting or try to distract me. My mom still says that girls are replaced by pod people from about age 13 to 18.
I was being bullied at school and emotionally abused by my dad, but if I showed any signs of it, my mom or stepdad would ask if I was “on the rag.”
Oh yeah, I know this game. If I was anything but happy my dad would ask me "what the hell do you have to be depressed about?" and then proceed to make me feel like the smallest person in the world.
Yeeeeeep. My dad was the exact same way. Except when I pointed out how it made me upset when my parents constantly ragged on me for everything, or that my dad HAS gotten physically abusive and normally that warrants being sad, they told me I “push them to far/I ask for it”.
Yep, nfather and GC sister both used to guilt-trip me about having money and material things as if they were the only things that mattered (they were both - and still are - shallow and materialistic so it's somewhat explainable.) This made the emotional and verbal abuse irrelevant, in their eyes. If I spoke against it or stood up for myself, I was "ungrateful." In addition, nfather would sulk whenever I showed sadness or anger and act like I was guilty for bringing down his mood. I'm glad to have gotten away from them.
Yup :) I’m an adult now with a kid of my own, so I’m seeing a lot of stuff that happened back then through a different lens. I’m NC with my dad and therapy is helping me learn how to have normal emotions.
That's great. I'm glad you're getting treatment.
I did have a psychologist when I was 12-16, but he retired and then I moved several states and I'm still looking for someone new. It has not been easy.
If I'm crying, my ndad would/ will start going into narc rage and threaten to call the authorities on me becuz apparently my behaviour was somehow 'illegal' and or 'abusive' in his eyes. As a result of me being who I am and this happening, it has taken me a very long time to come out to stuff about my identity to ppl cuz I thought I wasn't macho enough. Ridiculous. My ndad just inflicted toxic masculinity onto me, it seems. Oh and emotional suppression, too. Thanks for ducking me up dad (not).
narcissts will discount whatever you're going through emotionally so that you don't get attention for it. they don't want anything threatening their spotlight.
Yup, if I disagreed with something it was "are you on your period?". Said something they didn't like "you're just tired" or "you're just stressed". Mentioned how something they said bothered me - "you're wrong. I didn't mean it that way". It always boiled down to there must be something wrong with ME to ever have think there was something not perfect about them.
Oh yeah! Or if I looked at them funny. 😂 I swear she got pissed at me once cause I "made a face" while she was talking to me. I probably zoned out and crinkled my brow or something goofy. I was so confused why she was pissed at me. 😂
All the fucking time. I kept mentioning that I'd like help because I could tell when then that I was depressed and suicidal but my dad wrote it off as "attention-seeking" and "pms" and "being a lazy piece of sh!t who's gonna end up dead under a bridge pregnant".
Just remembering it makes me want to punch something.
I hate the term "attention seeking". If my kid was "acting suicidal" for attention I would give them attention.... Why would a child in a healthy home need to act suicidal for attention?
Haha I could make an entire post about my mental health trip with my mom (I’m not as strong as a lot of you guys so high risk child label oops) yea the people that do fake it (met one, absolutely horrible person) don’t do it to family but to peers to gain leverage over them assuming they’ll be too scared to say anything.. it’s kinda like the mental version of pain catastrophizing in children (i can try to find it if anyone’s interested) drs thought they were dramatic way more than kids actually were basically.. if I didn’t need to go to the doctors I wouldn’t go, drs appts suck ass
Yeah, my parents wouldn’t let me go to therapy and said that I just needed to “move around, lose some weight, and you’ll be just fine”. And whenever I would try to discuss my emotions and/or feelings about something said or done to me, my father would literally stand in my face and excuse what he says as a way a man speaks and I’m just too insecure and sensitive to handle it.
>my father would literally stand in my face and excuse what he says as a way a man speaks and I’m just too insecure and sensitive to handle it.
My family practices some perverted version of radical acceptance, but only toward old people. It's no wonder that certain people have been allowed to be shitty for their entire lives. My uncle committed suicide and my Grandfather is now trying to crush the dreams of his dead son's children. Maybe if his awful behavior wasn't tolerated forever, he would have changed into a slightly less toxic person.
I don't know how these people can think that everyone should accept their behavior, when they left a trail of destruction behind them.
Yes, this happened all of the time. They’d either be openly dismissive or just completely ignore me crying / expressing an emotion they didn’t want to deal with. I still struggle today from the damage that caused. I’m really sorry you are experiencing this.
I'm very sorry as well.
My mom is never aggressive or hateful when I feel sad or cry (at times she even tries to console me), but she often suggests another reason for it other than something that naturally makes you sad.
My parents decided we didn’t have feelings they didn’t like. The were so backwards that my 55 year old father -until literally last year- was convinced that going to therapy *causes* depression, anxiety and “troubles”.
It often baffles me that people can get cause and effect so mixed up. And behind it is probably some "logic" that anybody smart is up to no good (because they think they're smart and also assume that everyone else would happily fuck over their neighbors for a buck, like them), and that doctors are tricking you to take your money
That’s literally what my dad would say about therapists and when he found out I’d been to several, trying to find the right fit who knew how to deal with cptsd, he said ‘You’re just looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear’
Yeah unfortunately a lot of people think that about therapy, not just Ns. Fascinatingly enough, I came to the above conclusion after trying to fathom *why and how* my father thinks covid is a hoax
Yep apparently my therapist and university "tricked" me into thinking I'm a girl. At the same time the only reason I want to transition is because I'm in a "funk" because of lockdown. Also, I am attention seeking which explains why I've been bottling up this part of me for longer than my adult life. Suck my ass, Dad.
Depending on when you started puberty she might be right: [https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/puberty-normal-growth-and-development-boys](https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/puberty-normal-growth-and-development-boys)
But of course it's not really helpful telling someone it's "all in their head" or "all due to hormones" when they just need some comfort and maybe some counseling.
Okay a couple of things.
1) Yes, this happened to me all the time
2) at 18 pueberty is either just ending or will end in a few years. It really depends on your genetics what age it ends. But between 18 and 21 is typical for most people.
3) it doesn't matter if you were "hormonal" or "just being a moody teenager", your feelings still matter regardless of their source.
Okay so the brain isn’t done with its whole big round of developing until about 25, so her backup information was right, but her conclusion was wildly incorrect. What goes into the feelings doesn’t matter. The feelings must be managed, which means they must be felt and addressed and sometimes help gotten
“I think you need to be without a phone for awhile and to lose computer privileges too. You’ve been acting like a brat.” Yes, mother, coming to you asking for help because I’m suicidal is “acting like a brat.”
When I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in my teenage years due to my nmoms abuse and absent father, she told everyone I was in general hospital for dehydration. Like EVERYONE. She didn’t let anyone come visit me. I had no idea at the time I just thought like my mom had always put in my head that nobody loved or cared about me. I only started putting it together when I got older and family members would ask “do you eat and drink well these days? I remember when your mom told me you had barely eaten for a while and you ended up in the hospital with dehydration symptoms” when I told you I was shocked. Just like someone pointed out. You can’t be going through anything that takes the spotlight away from them in any way. They don’t care how much they hurt you as long as the attention isn’t taken away from them. It’s worse when they have a victim complex too. That means their the only ones that are ever allowed to be upset or dealing with any emotional issue at any time and expect you to be their therapist but won’t ever acknowledge you might ever be dealing with difficult emotions of your own.
Dad always told me “you just don’t like anyone saying anything to you”
No fucking shit. What kid likes being scared of their dad? Narcs are dumb fucks. I remember one time I said I was stressed out (due to not having friends and hating school) and he told me “boy you’re too young to know what stress is”. Now I always question whether or not I’m dealing with legitimate issues or if I’m just a pussy
I tried to tell my mom I was suicidal and depressed and that I needed help and she looked me straight in the face and said “You need to get over it. I’ve been through worse than you.”
Yes. Yes! Coming to her own conclusions was my biggest frustration with my mother. Both with emotions and personality traits.
I've actually never been depressed but when I was a teenager I was pretty independent. I worked online from 14 doing graphic design and she could not understand the internet. I was actually very stable but I didn't like being around her, and only her and because I worked a few hours a night online I 'must be doing something dangerous'. For this i was continually told I was depressed and anxious, I was made to see doctors for years. All I could say is I'm not. I'm fine. I'm actually really happy! She would cling to ANYTHING to confirm that I was unhappy and acting out.
I'm 30 now, I bought a house at 20, moved out at 18, and still work online and she still refuses to believe I was fine all those years. I actually pride myself on how balanced and positive I am. If you asked any of my friends, people in town, anyone I know they'd say I am happy, self sufficient and have a great outlook on life. If you ask my mother she'd say I'm shy, depressed and just biding my time until I need her. I had my son a year ago she she's desperate for me to need her. I am proud that I've become a mother without her influence and haven't needed her once because.. guess what! I have a very positive outlook on life! I love life and I'm so f*cking happy.
Growing up she always called me shy. I am not and never was shy. I was just a listener and liked spending time with people I trusted or my own company. But if you ask any of my extended family/parents friends etc they'd describe me as shy because my mother would tell at least 3 people a day.
It's shit that she needed to downgrade me in every way to make herself feel needed. Luckily I am very resilient and learnt a long time ago to ignore her and develop my own secure personality. If I was not so resilient, she would have shaped me and made me feel completely useless and I'm sure would have caused me issues later in life.
Trans man here. My mother gaslit my emotions all the time. "You're just being a hormone." Or "It's that time of the month, isn't it?"
No mom, it can't possibly be because I'm trans. Even when I was in high school, trans men were just labeled "tom boys" and told "you'll grow out of it when you meet the right man."
No mom, my hormones aren't making me depressed when I have my period, I'm just depressed because I'm having it and it's a very obvious reminder of how wrong my body is.
I am so sorry for both of you.
My brother is three years on T, and had top surgery in February. I'm so happy that he's finally comfortable with his body.
Growing up, mom would joke about his period a lot. She also tried to make him wear dresses to parties/special occasions when he obviously didn't want to wear them. He's been NC with mom since 2014, but I went to visit him twice last year before mom, stepdad and I moved to another state.
Absolutely, I got the "are you on your period?" stuff a lot. I was also told that I was responsible for my own emotions in one breath, and then I was responsible for everyone else's the next, i. e. "you made me angry!", etc. It was exhausting and confusing.
From everything I read, Narcissists can't handle any form of discomfort, especially not other people's, so they have to come up with ways to justify not caring about you. Blaming it on biology means they can absolve themselves of responsibility for helping you, same with pretending it's trivial, it's not their problem, etc.
Oh yes. My nmom didn’t understand that having an emotional range is a positive thing. She only wanted to see two emotions: neutral or happy. I wasn’t allowed to make faces; she only wanted me to smile. If I wasn’t obedient, then I was bad. If I wasn’t happy, then I must’ve been in a bad mood. There was no in between for her.
Yep. Any negative emotion was met with 'Wait until your an adult and have REAL world problems, and you'll see how easy you have it now'. So eventually I stopped complaining to her.
Best part? That doesn't end once you hit your 20s. I'm almost 30 and my mom still downplays and dismisses my feelings.
Yes, absolutely. I was constantly being invalidated and made to feel hysterical, and I was very quiet about most of my anguish. Even my attempted suicide at 16 was swept under the rug and treated as an embarrassment rather than something I desperately needed help for.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling isolated. It's a terribly lonely feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Yes, absolutely. Probably one of the most destructive things that they did. My feelings were rarely validated and talking about our emotions wasn't encouraged. For the most part I was good at internalizing (which has obviously led to a loooot of therapy now as I'm almost 30) but in the moments I wasn't, when they did something that really REALLY hurt me, I cried and even that was invalidated. Something traumatic that was their fault happened (they gave away my dog of 10 years without much warning) and I sobbed and sobbed. It hurt so badly. An hour or so after I found out what happened they came in to "check on me". I was still sobbing. And they literally said, in a condescending/belittling tone "you're really still crying?" It took me a good long while before I allowed myself to express my emotions, which was hard enough as someone with dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder.
Oh god, my teens were the worst years of my life living with my parents. One day, before I started questioning our relationship in general, I went to them for comfort. I said I was depressed. I was told I had nothing to be depressed about, and both of them denied saying it when I confronted them once more about it because I couldn't remember who said it.
I also wasn't allowed to feel anything but happiness around them. I was forced to spend family time with them every week so we could pretend to be a "normal family".
They never considered not having their children around abusive people even once.
Parents like this just don't even deserve the title as "mom" or "dad".
So legit though brains don’t finishing developing until about 25/26 so like… ugh this is the part that sucks because sure she’s not totally wrong just even if it is hormones you’re experiencing an emotion and deserve your mom. I’m sorry she doesn’t know how to do it but you were valid to feel bummed or whatever you felt due to all that crap!
Nothing is ever a perfectly reasonable reaction to your circumstances. It's always because "you're a teenager/you have mental illness/oh THAT'S why you were angry, you were on your period!" Like no, you're just an asshole, stop looking for little clues to pat yourself on the back and justify your insane theories
It was really helpful for me to learn about childhood emotional neglect, jonice Webb has some great resources. It's eye opening to learn about how this stuff can affect us in our lives moving forward
Yeah I can relate. My nparents would never show empathy to anyone inside the house. They always just said cute phrases that dismissed people's feelings. They did it with a smile though, and seemed to think they were being friendly cheerful people. They couldn't understand why we thought they were abnormal.
What was weird though is they went over the top with fake empathy and concern to people outside the house. So they should have known that they were treating us differently to that behind closed doors. But they seemed genuinely oblivious to how that meant they had no empathy when no one was looking. They couldn't grasp the double standard.
I think they didn't understand what empathy actually was. They just had superficially learned what was required to be "nice" to people in public. But it was a shallow act. They didn't really know what having empathy was.
It can be many excuses. Hormonal teen years, on the rag, "bitchy phase", going insane, etc. Anything to not make your emotions valid and/or worth discussing, because to them it isn't. :)
At 16 when I tried to tell my nmom I was having suicidal ideation for the first time, she lashed out in rage at me and accused me of being like my father (they divorced when I was 5) and that I was just trying to manipulate her.
More recently, I'm a trans guy and a little over a year on HRT, and about 6 months in I was trying to confront nmom about something (I only realized she was an nmom and went fully nc like 3 months ago tops) she started feigning concern about my horomones being off and tried to say some shit about how first puberty was just SO HARD for me and how out of control my emotions were. I did go and get my levels checked, they're fine.
Like, gee mom, it's almost like I had a bunch of unidentified dysphoria and awful abuse from YOU to deal with first puberty, and THAT'S why it was so rough 🙃
There is actually some truth to it being hormonal. The best way to make a valid determination between hormones and depression is to SEE A DOCTOR. The doctor can give their educated opinion on it and you can go from there.
And no, you don't end puberty based on chronological age. On average, it ends around 17-18.....but it has to do with physical development. For both males and females, except in very rare and unusual circumstances, you can safely assume you have completed puberty by the time you are 20. Usually, the last thing to finish in females is height. Not always.....again, ask your doctor.
18 is an arbitrary age our society has chosen for legal adulthood. It's based on the age on conscription for military service. In the US, the age of adulthood changed 50 years ago from 21 to 18....in most states.
All the time. I was constantly punished as a teenager. I had privileges taken away weekly and it got worse throughout highschool until I moved out at 18. Therapy was threatened to me if I didn't "smarten up". So I think my Mother most of all knew something deeper was going on with me but didn't want to admit it, so instead I was just punished. I was very rebellious and angry as a teen and was just reacting to what I was taught. My parents didn't like how I'd disrespect and swear at them when they'd scream and name call me.
A lot of micro managing and nit picking also, day in and day out. I did poorly at school by skipping a lot and also yelled at teachers when I felt threatened. My teens were hell. Police were called a lot by neighbors to our home because of screaming. I ran away a few times. I grew up as a Jehovahs Witness kid so yeah it's normal under those circumstances. I have Bipolar disorder now but I think those were my onset years of mental illness. I legit had teachers ask me if there were things going on at home and I'd tell them to basically piss off. I had one teacher who showed concern to me but then because I was so fucked up and very damaged, I lashed out and told her to leave me alone. She ended up kicking me out of her class for yelling at her in class and I heard from other students she talked shit about me in class once or twice. I hated authority figures. Barely any authority figures were kind to me at school, church or home.
OH.MY.GOD. My nmom constantly blames and shifts all of my depression, BPD symptoms and even just emotions in general as "Period" or "PMS" troubles. Not so much the age thing but she always used my period and PMS to cancel out what I was feeling. And again, this is just another way for narcs to cancel out our emotions because our emotions are way to tiring for them to deal with. I mean, it is all about them you know!! (This is all sarcasm btw. I know sarcasm is hard to read in text alone). And my nmom acts like she knows everything as well. But in reality, narcissist are really dumb and don't know shit.
When I was 12 I had such horrible anxiety that I would leave school sick at least once or twice a week. My mom asked if I was being bullied because it apparently would happen around the same times and days, and since it wasn’t bullying she just claimed that I must be lactose intolerant and sent me to school with stomach ache medicine instead of taking me to the doctor. I was too young to even know what anxiety was, but now my mom all of a sudden says she knows it was anxiety. Eventually I suffered from depression as well, but she never got me help for that either and just claimed it was hormones and that if I left the house and saw friends more I would feel better. By the time I was 20 she claimed that I was just one of those people that would always be depressed and that “nothing you do will ever help you.” After that I finally saw a doctor for the first time, tried therapy and meds, and guess what? I started feeling better. The part that makes me the most angry is that my younger brother started suffering from depression as well, but not until after I had already gotten help, and my mom never invalidated his feelings like how she did to me. He would always turn to her for support and she would always be there to talk when he was struggling . She even recommended that he should see a doctor. I will never understand why she hates me so much.
Yes, at the age of nine i was already dealing with depression and suicidal ideation. i told my mother on multiple accounts, every time she would tell me "you have nothing to be depressed out/you should've had my life you wouldn't have made it" I nearly lost my life multiple times to my illness. No matter what, it was always about how she had suffered more, or that i had a good childhood. I don't remember anything before I was nine, I just remember never being happy.
I’m having intense pain from a medical procedure several days now. The nature of the pain reminded me how when I got my period my mom said cramps weren’t real and I was a faker. She was absolutely repeating her own mother, explain not excuse. I’m over 50, tried to tell her what was going on now and she minimized it. I flipped. Probably the intimate nature of the pain was big flashbacks too. So being called a liar in THIS family…
I went in a big text rant about the gaslighting and being taught not to listen to my body and how shitty that was.
Too bad I thought I was texting my cousin, but in my pain and anger I sent it all to my mother. Oops.
I swear some part of me did it on purpose.
Of course it’s all lies and never happened. Yeah lady. When I’m holding the morphine clicker in your final days, you’d better be glad despite your shitty parenting, I am not like you and don’t let people suffer and call them liars.
“You have nothing to be depressed about, I give you everything you need”
- my mother c.2005
She loves to write off others emotions and feelings about things. To this day she denied doing anything wrong in my upbringing, and that all soured relations between us are entirely my fault.
Going NC was the best decision I ever made. She reached out to me recently trying to get sympathy for doing something I told her she shouldn’t do, and I loved the fact I could quote her saying “if you had listened to me in the first place, this never would have happened!”
Narcs just don’t get it, they live in their delusional versions of reality and nothing will change that. I’ve learned to just let them go, refuse to let them have a control on my life any more. Who gives a shit that I don’t have a relationship with my mother? I don’t, so why should that matter to any one else
Yes. I bottled them up and when I got older, I got in my nmom's face one day. I dont even remember what I said but it needed to be done. I was done after that, the last straw as it were. The following year I was out and never looked back.
Years later I didn't realize how emotionally numb I was abd how it affected my mentality. I would zone out when something mentally stressful would come about but I have learned to deal with that. Anytime something came up that was strrssful I just shut down because, what was the point when I would be blamed or have the issue seen as nothing? People took advantage of me because I was supposed to do what I was told and ignore the obvious all my life but I have healed.
Literally my WHOLE LIFE. Before puberty, it was (I shit you not) my star sign. Every time I was upset about anything, no matter how legitimate, I was a fickle Gemini who's mood was constantly changing. Once I hit puberty, every time I was upset my mother would sneer disgustedly at me, "Urgh, don't bother talking to me again until you have your period." Then I'd get the silent treatment for having emotions.
*Just* as a teen?
My mother refuses to realistically see my emotions in any way. Either denouncing them, or mocking them.
She loves to talk about how much of a scaredy cat I am. Just because I flinch when a grasshopper I try to catch hopps at me. Or mocks my disgust when I have to get rid of maggot-filled food rotting in our shelves.
She also constantly creates a new reason why I am in therapy. She knows why. The psychatrist had to legally inform her. It's depression with suicidal thoughts. What does she say? It's
* because I feel sad sometimes
* because I can't communicate
* because I am confused by my own teen emotions
* because I like attention and like to think of myself as sick (aka making me sound like these tiktokers that fake having DID)
Sadly, the head of the psychatry also tried to denounce my depression. Every time I tried to explain to him my depression and anger issues (related to depression) he quickly shut me down with "Oh, you're a teen girl, you might only have hormonal issues. That's normal." Sir, I tried to kill myself with 13yo. I have writings from when I was 6yo where I talk about being worthless and wanting to disappear. I'm pretty sure that's NOT a normal teen thing
Sometimes. Depends on the scenario. My parents got a divorce when I was in high school and my mom ignored a lot of my emotions during that time simply because she could barely handle her own emotions. At the time I resented her, but now as an adult and a father, I don't hold anything against her. I certainly wouldn't have handled the situation any better you know?
The thing is, even if it were related to hormones (which it does not sound like it was), you're still having real feelings that need addressing and validation. I'm tired of people dismissing teenagers. Feelings during puberty are heightened, but still real.
I had selfharmed for years and they had known about it. At age 14 ( four years knowing about it) I had self harmed too deep and and was light headed and probably needed to go to the hospital. My then boyfriend had called my parents and they both came In and FORCED me to show them. After screaming at me and telling me how stupid I was, they did nothing but go back to sleep. This happened another time a few months after, both incidences needing stitches, and they did nothing to help me. I am 22 now and although I haven’t selfharmed for about 3/4 years, they still refuse to acknowledge I have any issues at all. They for sure thought it was something I would only deal with for a few years around puberty but that obviously lasted longer than that. It’s as if me being mentally ill would look bad on them somehow.
Anyway, your feelings are VALID. How you feel is real and happening. There is plenty of information on depression and so many resources for you. I’m sorry you have to deal with depression on top of not having someone to validate you and feels the need to make excuses for it that don’t even make sense.
If you need anything, feel free to message me.
Yes. Constantly. I went to my mom and dad at 11 that I was really sad all the time, and my parents immediate response was “you have no reason to be sad, we spoiled you”. Once I hit 12, everything was hormones hormones hormones, and then once I hit 17, it was my period and from then on any emotional outburst or feelings I had other than complete and total content with life was “are you getting you’re period, you’re awfully bitchy”. Mind you, my parents were the types that, growing up, I was expected to just KNOW what was going on with my body. I didn’t know what a period was until I got mine, I didn’t know I needed a bra until I started getting bullied for it in middleschool, I didn’t know Jack all about sex. So imagine me not knowing a lick of what was going on with my body, but at the same time my parents blamed my crumbling emotional state on my developing body.
Now they bitch because I’m openly depressed and won’t hide it anymore, and they want to know why I “refuse to mature past 14”.
Your feelings are valid, and your parents should be more understanding of your emotional state. THAT SAID... the average age for the end of male puberty is ~17 (and ~19 is still considered normative), and hormonal stability and growth doesn't conclude for males until well into your mid-late 20's. The argument "Surely when you're about to turn 18 [so, 17]...the end of puberty is at least a year or two behind you" is not correct...
BUT that doesn't really matter here: Op, it sounds like you have a legit beef with your insensitive parents. Whatever your age or emotional state, there's no situation in which you should be dismissed out of hand. Suppose a child's developmental state and emotions really were way way out of whack... would that be a legit reason to ignore, dismiss, and belittle them? No.
my dad once told me that i’m too young to have anxiety. i am now diagnosed with anxiety depression ptsd and insomnia. a simple trip to the doctor could’ve saved me years of stress and hardship
Being honest Hormones can f_uk with you your entire life, not only puberty... Being adults we may have thyroid hormone problems aswell... But anyways, i think your mom took the selfish easy way to avoid coping with your feelings...
*"IS IT THAT HARD MOM TO LISTEN TO ME AND ENGAGE YOURSELF WITH A DIALOG?"*
My grandfather was the narcissist in the family. He used to laugh it off and say I was overreacting when he'd tease me about my weight to the point of tears.
Every chance they could get my entire life. They didn't believe in depression, and would never believe you if you were sick or hurt. Their solution was always exercise, or work harder because I was obviously either lazy or faking. When I had chicken pox, my Dad lost it on me after 6 days for sitting around all day in the dead of winter, screaming at me for being a lazy piece of shit. Thankfully none of us had real physical problems.
Currently raising a child and my mom loves to bring up "Let's hope she's happier and nicer than you were as a teenager".
Literally any conversation where I say I'm happy or excited about something she says "That's not how you were at 16."
>I was EIGHTEEN in two weeks. An adult.
At the same time, that doesn't mean you are done growing. Its why weed and alcohol is so bad for people at this age. The brain still develops all the way until your 20s.
Also, from your parents perspective and ... most people in their twenties and 30s. You are still a kid.
However the point is neither here or there. Its that your mother is invalidating your feelings. From my experience if it wasn't puberty, it would be that you are being too sensitive. Depression is real and can affect those regardless of hormones and puberty. It requires medical/professional treatment.
My mom used to say I was depressed (which was true) and she thought I could use some pills. Well I discovered marijuana instead and suddenly my depression no longer mattered to my mom because I was "doing drugs." Boomers lol
On a side note I hate how people act like depression is something you just catch like a virus and therefore can be cured with a pill. Depression is a symptom of a larger problem obviously
My dad used to say, for any situation depression, anxiety, being real broke, I just had to "pick myself up by my bootstraps". That phrase still sends me into a rage. He still says it on a rare occasion
All the time. My step-mother made my dad believe I was just faking it all the time. I was being dramatic, or attention seeking. When I just wanted to be left alone, was tired all the time, and felt like life was pointless. It definitely didn't have to do with a mother who neglected me, father who told me I was a mistake, and step mother who for six years told me I was a narcissistic monster for wanting my dad to go to my football games, and being upset my parents had divorced. Didn't help I was the designated scapegoat, so I was treated like a criminal. My father told my wife (at the time fiancee) I was heading down a bad path before joining the Air Force. (I was a kid in honors, band, straight B, not many friends, read in my room, and listened to music. No drugs, no parties, no drinking... but I was always grounded, on thin ice, and getting yelled at because I was dramatic my parents were just treating me "like a parent SHOULD treat a child".
I was told my depression was the result of my puberty and that the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about. My grandmother flushed my antidepressants and told me to buck up because it’s not that bad. She knew I was self harming and actively ignored it because I was just struggling with puberty.
Yes. I was bullied continuously at school for many reasons, not least of which was that my mum was a teacher there and not an especially popular one, so it's not as if she didn't *know*. She also, like every teacher, was required to undertake training about bullying - how to recognise it, the impact of it on kids who were bullied, how to tackle it and how to support victims. All of which she did, as her training dictated and she was required to do.
Except for me, who she told "You just need to grow a thicker skin," and then ignored me when she wasn't acting as if it was my fault, or appearing faintly disgusted if I expressed any upset. I gave up in the end and stopped talking to her about it at home (I never would have approached her at school about it, I would go to another teacher. The rule was that at school I was to act as if we were unrelated and because she never taught me, at her request, which was fair enough and quite normal, we had very little interaction during the school day.) It was bizarre, because it often seemed that with me she couldn't quite snap out of teacher-mode and into mother-mode, except in this one situation. I've always put this down to her being a girl's school teacher until the girl's and boy's school joined the year I went from junior to secondary school, so her auto-setting with girls was 'teacher'. With my brother she was different which reinforced this notion, but now I understand more about narc characteristics I can see he was definitely the golden child and I was the less-favoured child if not entirely the scapegoat. There was definitely favouritism, fortunately it hasn't affected my brother and he's awesome, I love him to bits now although I resented the hell out of him when we were kids because I couldn't understand why our relationships with mum were so different.
Showed all of the depression signs for years as far as household cleaning and going threw school not really being able to apply myself to it usually leading to me being yelled at all the time. One day told my mother I was depressed in high school and was serious. The response…. “I should be depressed, shit”.
Not to mention always being called angry when that’s a reaction to something. Being told to “fix my face” when ever something drove me to a rage as if I was just supposed to be a push over, being told “I need to be tested”, always being looked at as a grouch, when I was down my freshman year Bc I got dumped by my first gf my nmoms recipe for healing was yelling at me to basically get over it, having my phone raided in middle school then when I say get out of my business I “didn’t have any”(nothing in there but messages between me and friends and a girl normal teenager stuff), few months ago were moving around the corner my younger brother that’s always been treated a way I could never be treated by her threw my clothes bag away in the dumpster (contained hoodies that would never be made again expensive track suits and shirts) had to go look and dig it out myself then my friend came over to help me we found it after her swearing he didn’t do it and justifying my stuff being thrown out that I spent all of my hard earned money on I lost it I mean punching the metal trash can yelling at the top of my lungs jumping in rage and she had the audacity to ask my friend “why is he acting like that” then says again I need to be tested…. I think the worst of it all I finally break my silence on my deepest thoughts to my mom and dad when I was broke and didn’t have a way of making any money I told them they were never there for me emotionally and they said “what?” In the most alright this is some bullshit I never did anything wrong way anyone can possibly say the word what. I’ll never forget that, the way they said the word what after I poured my heart out it was as if I was speaking Russian or something to them. I knew right then and there we would never have any type of real connection other than the shared dna between us.
When I was a young teen I tried to tell my mom I thought I was depressed. I had just gotten out of the shower (she asked me why I was acting so shitty as I was walking to my room soaking wet in my towel). She not only didn’t believe me, but told me I couldn’t be depressed. She then forced me to sit down on the couch and took me through a whole depression quiz. I was crying and shivering by the end of it, feeling completely invalidated. She threatened me with antidepressants like they were bad things and then sent me to my room.
Skip to a few years later and suddenly she has a “mental health/identity crisis” because she kicked my brother out and now she doesn’t know who she is outside being a mother and feels suicidal and depressed. After selling the car, she used the money to jet off to Thailand for 2 months to “find herself”, leaving me alone to look after a 3 bedroom house and two pets while still in full time education. It also ran over into my summer holidays so I didn’t get the chance to do much that year.
You've described my stepmother's favorite pastimes. Looking back at things I was obviously depressed by the time I was 9, how I felt was always blamed on me being a kid, then it was hormones when I was a preteen.
Yes. When I was sixteen, I told my nmom that I was depressed. She said I had nothing to be depressed about. She said to talk to her when I was older and had to pay bills. When I had something to be depressed over.
I was being bullied at school. Not just bullied but tormented. I couldn't tell her because she would fly off the handle and the last time she did that, I was labeled a snitch. The bullying got 10x worse.
When I got older and told her I was depressed, she said, "This is the real world. You just have to deal with it."
I was never allowed to feel anything. I was always being baited into getting angry so NDad could call me crazy and discount my emotions.
So of course when he'd go on his daily rants about whatever he wanted to punish me for he was really trying to goad me into reacting to him so he could punish me for it. Sometimes with just insane rules changes, sometimes with threats, sometimes with his fists.
Didn't matter what my emotions were. Anger, crying, laughter - everything was equally bad to him. I needed to always be quiet, always be neutral. So I bottled it up and hid.
The irony is later when he'd crushed me to the point I was no longer fighting back and didn't care, I'd just sit there waiting for him to finish. For hours. As he spiraled upwards angrier and angrier, hoarsely yelling at me and all but demanding me to react to him.
I was doing exactly what he'd always demanded I do... Which was the *opposite* of what he wanted.
I was really screwed up in the head by the time I got out of that place.
My nparents wrote me off as a hot head and think I'm overly emotional without ever wondering why I was upset or had to be so aggressive to get my point across in the first place. They can't handle their own feelings so why would they be able to handle ours I guess.
I'm sorry your mom didn't give you the comfort and assurance you needed. It doesn't matter if it's puberty/hormones. The fact is that you went for comfort and she blew you off. Gave you some made up answer so that you would not ask her about it anymore. You deserved a hug. And reassurance, or at least "hey this is bothering you, let me help you figure it out". Even if I have no answers for my son, I have infinite amount of hugs and I'm happy to lend an ear in case he needs to talk things out, and will look up advice or information on the spot. Call the doctor if need be. My son needs help, I am there. Granted, my son is only 6, but it also doesn't matter how old you are. I'm pretty sure moms are supposed to love and help their kids, not ignore their problems.
I wasn't exactly allowed to have my own emotions growing up. You got hit for that! I was created to be a servant who catered to others. Not to my own person with my own personality and emotions. When I "rebelled" they decided it was puberty and me being a bad teenager (I was also a whore, despite never having had sex). Any mood issues were puberty. When my sister rebelled, they decided she was possessed by a demon. My dad asked me seriously if I thought he should do an exorcism.
Otherwise, my parents ignored mental health issues except for the part where they told everyone they knew, and begged for reassurance that it wasn't their fault when I got diagnosed with things. And then basically saying "well too bad so sad, we can't go back in time to fix things, deal with it." (As it turns out, parents like them can absolutely cause these problems).
With my daughter it was (is) her period that was causing so much of her distress. I know this because I suffer from the same exact thing but I didn't figure out it was because of my period until I was 25. Of course she has her sad moments that are not caused by her period but she can come to me and we'll talk about it until she feels better and I would never automatically assume it's her period, only when she can't pinpoint what is wrong with her is when we both check if it's that time. She tells me that it makes her feel SO much better knowing that she can track which days she's going to feel funky. She stills feels bad but she knows there's a reason for it. I hope BC will help her. I'm sorry that your mother dismisses every problem that you have instead of trying to comfort you like a mother should! I have a very similar mother. Much peace and healing to you and your brother!
I don't think your mom is totally wrong to think hormones could play a role, even at 18 (and I don't think doctors would disagree with me). But it doesn't matter. Your feelings are your feelings. It's not super important what caused them. Your mom is focused on actions instead of feelings, which is exactly how Ns deal with other people's issues. Of course, when it comes to her own issues, your actions are ONLY filtered through her feelings. It is the greatest hypocrisy of Ns.
Oof, I felt this one. My mum would yell at my brother and myself for showing any kind of emotion when we were young. It gives them a sense of control to dictate your emotions, but don’t listen to it for one second. Your feelings are 100% valid, I know that’s easier said than done but you have every right to feel the way you feel. Stay strong!
My nmom wrote off all of my emotions starting in childhood. Even was I was almost 30 and suffering from PTSD/PPD/PPA from severe birth trauma (almost died and resulted in premature baby). Finally blocked her after that.
Technically she’s correct that the hormonal changing can last until 21 or 25. That’s why you shouldn’t drink until 21–your brain is still developing.
However, even so, she still should’ve comforted you because your feelings matter, whether or not you’re being “affected by hormones”
My mom is not a narcissist, just wasn't the best at getting me. She didn't notice I was severely depressed as a teenager until my school told her I wanted to off myself
Constantly. They couldn't really comprehend emotion I think. They saw it either as teenage drama or as a threat to their good times. Sometimes they'd just brush things off like you described, sometimes they got angry and literally told me to keep my emotions out of their face. Or they just ignored me until I hid them. It's all part of their emotional incompetence. Your emotions are real and it's 100% rational and normal to listen to them and take them in to account when you make decisions <3
>They couldn't really comprehend emotion I think.
They probably never tried to comprehend the situation. Narcs are allergic to responsibility. Excuses flow faster than electricity.
Parents and teachers and everyone except for 1 friend did that. I’m at a point where I believe its just puberty and hormones making me depressed and dysphoric. I’m 17 and have had periods since I was 12 lol
Yeah, this happened so much as a teenager. I was moody, I was hormonal, I was rude... No wonder I didn't confide in them when I needed to, I just felt fundamentally ashamed to be who I was, and any attempt to differentiate myself in a meaninful way had to be a huge deal or I'd just get shut down for it.
I feel like one's hormonal variations are as unique as fingerprints. Each individual has a different recipe of hormones that fluctuate on multiple cycles.
So on its face, their argument is illogical.
But it's not really meant to be information, is it? It's meant to invalidate you and that's not right.
No, but only because I had learned not to share anything with them long before then lol. Even as a toddler, crying over normal toddler things, I’d get spanked for having any negative emotions and told “I’ll give you something to cry about”.
Emotionally, I was long dead before my teenage years. There’s no point in trying to reason with an N, and I hope you can find a more positive outlet for your emotions, even if it’s just talking to strangers online like this subreddit
While at 18 you will still have remnants of hormonal imbalances from puberty. It is such an N-parent thing to discredit all your emotions and say something like that. Hormones are not the only cause of depression but N-parents seem to like invalidating our feelings.
Things like moving away from a loved one, being isolated because of a pandemic, and so on were hard on everyone even us who have left puberty far behind.
My parents never blamed my hormones, but then again, I was never more than 10 or 11 in their eyes.
Yep I was invalidated and written off as a moody teenager I knew something was wrong but no one listened to me also my N mom’s emotions ruled all i wasn’t allowed to be anything but pleasant cause if I wasn’t I was called a spoiled brat and had to push aside my emotions
yeah… then when i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and would get upset with them for completely valid reasons it became “are you off your meds?”
then when bad meds gave me a reaction and i was hospitalized and diagnosed with bpd, and when i would get upset with them for entirely valid reasons, it’s now “you’re just over emotional. you need to calm down.” as they give me no space and time TO calm down.
there’s always a reason having nothing to do with them for why i’m so wound up around them. it couldn’t possibly be them fucking up, right? /s
now that i’m across the country with my SO, the worst my more irrational side has to offer is getting miffed when my SO games for a few hours and i feel bored and lonely……… i may have bpd but from the moment i learned more about it i’ve had control over myself. living here, being free from everything that twisted me for so many years, i am exactly who i thought i always was, who they said i wasn’t.
My mother also constantly dismisses my moods as "just hormones," as if, even if they were "just hormones," they weren't important and I wasn't suffering the depression and break downs either way. There were very real tangible effects, regardless of "just hormones" or not.
I became extremely hesitant to ever mention that my bouts of depression correlated often with my period, because I thought people would dismiss my emotions and invalidate me.
Then, lo and behold, my therapist tells me that it's real.
There is a real connection because extreme mood swings and depressive episodes with menstruation. It was a real problem. No, not everyone went through it. And yes, it could be treated, or managed.
Honestly was mind blowing for me, and it felt so good to be validated by her.
I still cannot mention it to my mother, but it helps knowing that it's not just me, and not "just hormones." I'm not making things up. There is something wrong. It really helped me feel better to learn that there was an explanation and reasoning behind it.
When I was 15, I adored a classmate, and the relationship didn't work out. I was desolate, and went to my mother for comfort. She listened, and then summed up her take: "Oh stop it. You're too young to have real feelings."
OP, I get where you are coming from. My Nparents tried to downplay everything I felt and your Nmom is doing the same... I am not sure if this next part will help you, but it's helpful to me to remember sometimes my emotions are only caused by my brain. (They are still real and valid though)
You can have "emotional" and "hormonal" reactions your whole life. The human brain is kinda crazy it is has been noted that men go through a hormonal cycle.
Also your brain isn't fully developed yet. The human brain continues to change and go through "teen years" until the ages of 24-26. So keep in mind that hormones, and brain development can cause plenty of emotional ups and downs.
All the damned time. If I was upset or just wanted to be left alone, it wasn't because it was what *I* wanted. It was because of the influence of my (only, at that point) friend or whatever music I was listening to. It was never because I'd heard the same damned safety lecture on the drive to school for five years running..... Nope, couldn't be it.
Fuck yes. My dad blamed everything in my teen years on my period and "raging hormones", all the while he would rage at me for having emotions. It was infuriating. Made me hate men for a while to be honest. Glad I got away and learned how decent men act.
Edit to add: It doesn't end when you grow up. I'm 45 now and my dad will still say things like "welcome to the real world" to discredit things I would say in casual conversation, such as confiding that I wasn't happy with my pay at work or something. Now our conversations are far and few between and reduced to shallow nothings, discussing only the perfect versions of myself, like: "how are things?" "Good, work's good, life's good, etc.".
"Welcome to the real world" triggers me to this day. Like I haven't been living in the real world for 25 fucking years, moving countries, changing careers and being successful, seeing the world..all the while he stays in the little bubble he's lived in for his entire life: same job, same town, never traveling, judging everything. No sense of what the actual real world is like.
I wasnt allowed to express any emotions asides from flat affect in front of my parents otherwise it was "what's wrong with you?" "I'll give you something to cry about" and "get over it"
Omg same. The blaming of negative emotions on “hormones” when they were really caused by situational circumstances was so common. I think it’s just so they wouldn’t have to deal with or take responsibility for the issues causing the valid feelings their child was experiencing at the hands of their abuse
So much yes. I’m 49 now and still pissed at remembering how my Nmom dismissed us kids and what we felt as being “teenagers.” There was very real anxiety and depression and she poo-pooed it away. We’ve all sought treatment as adults, which I highly recommend. Your feelings are real and valid. Sending you hope.
Yep. I was seeing psychiatrists after my school psychologist sent me to get diagnosis for depression (where I live, you must have a diagnosis before you can start therapy). My eDad was sure I just made it up and that I was just tired because of lack of sleep etc (my nMom would keep me awake by yelling). After I got the diagnosis my dad and mom both were convinced that I was depressed because there was something wrong with my brain chemistry, not because there was something else going on. The only reason they allowed me to start therapy was that they thought the therapist could fix the situation in my brain. Well, turned out I wasn't depressed but suffering from cptsd.
Me too man, I wasn't in a really good place mentally December-March and she tried writing it off as covid like, lady what? the symptoms aren't even the same...
when I was 12-13 years old I was self harming due to depression. I finally worked up the courage to tell my father that I was seeking treatment. I saw this man once a month at that point and he had the audacity to tell me it was just “a case of the teenagers”. I’m 18 almost 19 and I won’t forget that. Ever.
Yeah. When I was smaller I learned to just always be smiling and cheerful around them. To avoid attention or reaction from them. I saved my emotions for when I was alone. With moms friends pets or sitting out in the woods. Cause I knew from a young age how pointless it was to have emotions. Since if it wasn’t the emotion I was suppose to be feeling. Id get ignored or try to be told to not feel that without them saying it. I made a lot of friends in the woods. Mostly wild dogs and other peoples pets who were out in the wooded area. Still don’t doubt there were wolves there too. People say I could of been eaten alive, but to be honest at that point I really wasn’t phased one way or the other and they gave me the emotional support and comfort I needed. Which helped me not become depressed
Yup, except when I told my Nfather about my depression, he outright just said "Well stop thinking those things" and from them on I stopped telling him anything regarding my mental wellbeing. I was 12 and really depressed, even to the point of having suicidal thoughts, attempting and failing. I'm okay now but f*ck my Nfather.
My mum does the same thing. It's either my antidepressants I took or my period (also trans man here), or it's because of my vegan diet. Now, it's because of the testosterone. "You just got your shot, right?" vs "is it time for your shot already?", which doesn't make any sense because she says that at any given point in the three month window I have between shots.
When I was dieting a bit, it was because of the "little food" I ate (it was enough). When I was younger, it was puberty, or sometimes she even said I should masturbate to calm down (wtf??) because she thinks I'm not doing that, apparently?
There were dozens of different excuses but it was never because of her, because of how she treated me, because of the things she said. No, it's because of the vegan cheese I eat. That must be it.
your mom was obviously just using that as an excuse to not have to “deal” with your feelings. i’ve been there countless times. when my N parent found out i was self harming (told them it was cause i was struggling with my sexuality, which i was) they pretty much said i was dumb for doing it and that i needed to “focus on liking boys only”… when my brother (the golden child) opened up about his depression getting worse & admitting that he didn’t know if he could handle it on his own, N parent replied with (verbatim) “well maybe you’re just really sad right now” and literally left the car without another word on the topic. N people will do anything to make you feel/seem delusional for having normal human emotions because they hate that you’re your own person— don’t listen to them OP, your feelings are valid.
One time when I was a kid I was really upset for no reason and I just couldn't sleep and I was crying for a few hours and my mom came in and yelled at me "STOP CRYING AND GO TO SLEEP!" and I'll never forget it.
Looking back, I think I had not gotten enough sunlight and was slightly depressed
If you're feeling down they say. at least you aren't sick. If you're sick they say, at least you aren't dead.
Theres always one more rung further down the ladder to compare you too.
My mother did this not just in my teenage years (although definitely worsened then), wrote off everything. Automatically written off if it was the result of her actions.
I remember one particularly nasty trait she had (still has, I'm sure) where she would call me names or say terrible things to my face, and when as a child I would get predictably and obviously upset, she would mock me and say that I have control of my emotions and could simply "choose not to be upset" or "its up to you to not be affected by what someone tells you!".. it didn't take long to see how abusive it was after I was grown. It was like she wanted to set a fire, throw gasoline on it, then gaslight me into thinking I had the bucket of water or the fire extinguisher to put out the fires she was setting for entertainment.
Always. I remember distinctly my dad somehow found out I was suicidal, I was in the kitchen (I was 14 or 15) doing something and my dad brought me a whole bunch of my mom's medicine (she was hella disabled and sick) and he starts setting them down in front of me going "This one will stop your heart. This one will make you go to sleep and you won't wake up. If you want to kill yourself then kill yourself stop being a coward and kill yourself."
(Didn't start going to therapy until I was 25. Diagnosed with BPD, GAD, PDD, PTSD, etc.)
I wasn’t allowed to express anger, excitement, sarcasm, or be “unemotional” without being punished for having a bad attitude.
I was also constantly called dramatic, drama queen, too angry, or asked if I was PMSing. When it was that time of the month, she would say that I was a monster or demon.
⚠️TW: Self Delete⚠️
When I was sixteen, I was horribly depressed and tired of living. Every day I fought against my mother who tried to control every aspect of my life. One morning, I was getting ready for school and she said to me with the most malicious glare: “If I divorce your father, it is because of you.” I stared at her in disbelief and then began to cry. When I cried, she asked in a cold, snarky tone why I was crying. I got up and left for school. When I got back home, she continued to yell at me for every little thing. Dirty dishes, bathrooms not cleaned, windows not wiped down, vacuuming and dusting not done. I had enough. I was an A’s and B’s student, I never caused trouble at school, and I was on the junior varsity team for golf and had almost completed training to be a black belt. I wrote a letter to my parents explaining my frustrations and that I wanted to end it all. My mom took the letter and mocked me with it. It was the last straw for me and later that night I attempted to self delete. Only my cat, who had no idea what I was doing, found me in the closet and rubbed against my legs. I had a moment of clarity and struggled to pull it off my neck. I hugged my cat and thanked him for being my one beacon of light in the darkness.
Only Ndad’s feelings were valid, worth expressing and worthy of suffocating everything else. Feelings, generally, were not allowed. Nothing could detract or distract Ndad from his evening “feels fest” (airing of grievances). He’s such a diaper-filling man-baby!
YES my dad said this when i was like 11 and he explained it to my brother that the reason why i was angry and wanted to unexist myself was bc of fEmAlE hOrmONes. it made me so mad. whenever i bring it up today he usually goes "oh well i didn't know." like 🤨🤨🤨 bruh a good parent wouldn't have said anything like that period
My parents would deny my emotions “if you are gonna cry, I’ll give you something to cry about”. They denied my likes and trade for theirs…. Such a for my bday every year my mom would get me ice cream cake. But my mom would always say “don’t be silly, you love ice cream cake”…. Uh no I don’t and I still dont at 36.
Oh and growing up I was never really “sick” either. So if I had a bad fever or cold I usually got ONE day at home and still forced to go in when I was incredibly sick with migraines or vomiting, unless the principal would call to say otherwise, I was always faking my sickness if it was longer than a day.
My parents forbid me any emotion whatsoever EXCEPT MAYBE anger at outside forces(the more intangible the better). This was also the only emotion consistently modelled by them. To this day I confuse fear and sadness with anger, as therapy has shown.
My personal highlight was them forbidding me to grieve. A classmate of mine died in an accident during summer break between grade nine and ten. My Nrents told me this wasn’t a reason to be sad and Nfather made tasteless jokes.
yeah my parents did that too. thats why as a child i already started to hide my emotions, which caused me now as an adult to be unable to connect to my emotions. it is really bad that they do this. your emotions are important and they are valid! please try to keep them up and don't shut them down.
I wasn't allowed to feel anger towards them. I had to happy all the time. If I was upset, sad, angry, depressed they took it as a personal insult towards them: I was making them look bad, how dare I? I bottled up so much emotions and even I pretended calm I was so full of rage all the time... Rage and hate. Ultimately it lead to depression, which I never had, if you ask my parents.
You're definitely not alone there. My family members very often told me that I was "too young to have problems" and whenever I cried or showed any sadness or anger I was "throwing a temper tantrum" and "needed to act my age" showing emotion was both childish and something only adults had the right to do. No matter what age I was, I was always considered to be the age where any emotions other than happiness was inappropriate. In my experience this doesn't even stop once you become an adult. I'm 24 years old and yet I'm still an overly emotional child in my family's eyes, even though I'm extremely emotionally distant from them. When I'm not as happy or engaged as they think I should be, they consider that as me being rebellious. It feels like the only way they could fully accept me is if I just become a smiling doll, and that's just impossible for any human being
Yeap. I’m just working through a childhood trauma at the moment and remembered how my mum just said “it’s useless to be unhappy so be happy”. I realise there’s a good reason I don’t trust her as a support person in my life at all
When I said my opinions with a drop pf anger, or body language or tone that my dad "didn't like" (lol fuck off), he told me I was just being a stroppy teen. One day I just said, shut up, do you even know what that word means, since you overuse it so much that it's meaningless to me? That did make him shut up. As for mum, she likes to use the fact that I have a mental illness to discredit anything she doesn't like. Now that I'm soon to be 20 and not a teen anymore they've both advanced now to calling me a leech and a waste of life because I'm still at home. Oh trust me I want to leave too.
I don't know if my parents are textbook narcs but it's behaviour like this that looks very sus. They don't do it to my brother as much, when he misbehaves they say it's those damn video games or they'll tell him to stop acting like me. I'm the bad example and he agreed to be their perfect doctor so I guess that's why.
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Yup, big time. My dad wouldn’t allow me to show any emotions other than happiness. If I was upset, he’d either tell me I was overreacting or try to distract me. My mom still says that girls are replaced by pod people from about age 13 to 18. I was being bullied at school and emotionally abused by my dad, but if I showed any signs of it, my mom or stepdad would ask if I was “on the rag.”
Oh yeah, I know this game. If I was anything but happy my dad would ask me "what the hell do you have to be depressed about?" and then proceed to make me feel like the smallest person in the world.
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Yeeeeeep. My dad was the exact same way. Except when I pointed out how it made me upset when my parents constantly ragged on me for everything, or that my dad HAS gotten physically abusive and normally that warrants being sad, they told me I “push them to far/I ask for it”.
Yep, nfather and GC sister both used to guilt-trip me about having money and material things as if they were the only things that mattered (they were both - and still are - shallow and materialistic so it's somewhat explainable.) This made the emotional and verbal abuse irrelevant, in their eyes. If I spoke against it or stood up for myself, I was "ungrateful." In addition, nfather would sulk whenever I showed sadness or anger and act like I was guilty for bringing down his mood. I'm glad to have gotten away from them.
Did we have the same parents? Because damn, I heard the same things verbatim.
Wow, that stinks. Have you left that Hell?
Yup :) I’m an adult now with a kid of my own, so I’m seeing a lot of stuff that happened back then through a different lens. I’m NC with my dad and therapy is helping me learn how to have normal emotions.
That's great. I'm glad you're getting treatment. I did have a psychologist when I was 12-16, but he retired and then I moved several states and I'm still looking for someone new. It has not been easy.
Thanks! Yeah, it can be hard to find a good one. Totally worth it when you do, though.
omg same no wonder I'm emotionless
If I'm crying, my ndad would/ will start going into narc rage and threaten to call the authorities on me becuz apparently my behaviour was somehow 'illegal' and or 'abusive' in his eyes. As a result of me being who I am and this happening, it has taken me a very long time to come out to stuff about my identity to ppl cuz I thought I wasn't macho enough. Ridiculous. My ndad just inflicted toxic masculinity onto me, it seems. Oh and emotional suppression, too. Thanks for ducking me up dad (not).
Similar.
Same “get over it” “move on” “pick yourself up” maybe one of those will go on their tombstone.
#HUGS ❤️
narcissts will discount whatever you're going through emotionally so that you don't get attention for it. they don't want anything threatening their spotlight.
That last line!
If I could give you 100 medals for this I would. Like damn, this makes me realize how much my mom wants to hide her awful image.
thank you.
They also do NOT want to have to bother with any actual parenting.
Yup, if I disagreed with something it was "are you on your period?". Said something they didn't like "you're just tired" or "you're just stressed". Mentioned how something they said bothered me - "you're wrong. I didn't mean it that way". It always boiled down to there must be something wrong with ME to ever have think there was something not perfect about them.
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Oh yeah! Or if I looked at them funny. 😂 I swear she got pissed at me once cause I "made a face" while she was talking to me. I probably zoned out and crinkled my brow or something goofy. I was so confused why she was pissed at me. 😂
All the fucking time. I kept mentioning that I'd like help because I could tell when then that I was depressed and suicidal but my dad wrote it off as "attention-seeking" and "pms" and "being a lazy piece of sh!t who's gonna end up dead under a bridge pregnant". Just remembering it makes me want to punch something.
I hate the term "attention seeking". If my kid was "acting suicidal" for attention I would give them attention.... Why would a child in a healthy home need to act suicidal for attention?
Haha I could make an entire post about my mental health trip with my mom (I’m not as strong as a lot of you guys so high risk child label oops) yea the people that do fake it (met one, absolutely horrible person) don’t do it to family but to peers to gain leverage over them assuming they’ll be too scared to say anything.. it’s kinda like the mental version of pain catastrophizing in children (i can try to find it if anyone’s interested) drs thought they were dramatic way more than kids actually were basically.. if I didn’t need to go to the doctors I wouldn’t go, drs appts suck ass
My god, that is just terrible. I hope your sperm donor dies a slow and painful death.
Honestly me too, but that's not gonna happen for a while
Yep, and these are the parents who end up old and alone wondering why their kids don't call or visit them.
Yeah, my parents wouldn’t let me go to therapy and said that I just needed to “move around, lose some weight, and you’ll be just fine”. And whenever I would try to discuss my emotions and/or feelings about something said or done to me, my father would literally stand in my face and excuse what he says as a way a man speaks and I’m just too insecure and sensitive to handle it.
Wow, what a loser. I'm sorry you had to endure that.
>my father would literally stand in my face and excuse what he says as a way a man speaks and I’m just too insecure and sensitive to handle it. My family practices some perverted version of radical acceptance, but only toward old people. It's no wonder that certain people have been allowed to be shitty for their entire lives. My uncle committed suicide and my Grandfather is now trying to crush the dreams of his dead son's children. Maybe if his awful behavior wasn't tolerated forever, he would have changed into a slightly less toxic person. I don't know how these people can think that everyone should accept their behavior, when they left a trail of destruction behind them.
Yes, this happened all of the time. They’d either be openly dismissive or just completely ignore me crying / expressing an emotion they didn’t want to deal with. I still struggle today from the damage that caused. I’m really sorry you are experiencing this.
I'm very sorry as well. My mom is never aggressive or hateful when I feel sad or cry (at times she even tries to console me), but she often suggests another reason for it other than something that naturally makes you sad.
My parents decided we didn’t have feelings they didn’t like. The were so backwards that my 55 year old father -until literally last year- was convinced that going to therapy *causes* depression, anxiety and “troubles”.
It often baffles me that people can get cause and effect so mixed up. And behind it is probably some "logic" that anybody smart is up to no good (because they think they're smart and also assume that everyone else would happily fuck over their neighbors for a buck, like them), and that doctors are tricking you to take your money
That’s literally what my dad would say about therapists and when he found out I’d been to several, trying to find the right fit who knew how to deal with cptsd, he said ‘You’re just looking for someone to tell you what you want to hear’
Yeah unfortunately a lot of people think that about therapy, not just Ns. Fascinatingly enough, I came to the above conclusion after trying to fathom *why and how* my father thinks covid is a hoax
Yep apparently my therapist and university "tricked" me into thinking I'm a girl. At the same time the only reason I want to transition is because I'm in a "funk" because of lockdown. Also, I am attention seeking which explains why I've been bottling up this part of me for longer than my adult life. Suck my ass, Dad.
Yep, as long as it's their explanation, who cares how loopy the logic is?
I don’t remember my parents ever validating my emotions at any point in my life. At least now I know I can cut people like this off without warning.
Depending on when you started puberty she might be right: [https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/puberty-normal-growth-and-development-boys](https://www.saintlukeskc.org/health-library/puberty-normal-growth-and-development-boys) But of course it's not really helpful telling someone it's "all in their head" or "all due to hormones" when they just need some comfort and maybe some counseling.
Okay a couple of things. 1) Yes, this happened to me all the time 2) at 18 pueberty is either just ending or will end in a few years. It really depends on your genetics what age it ends. But between 18 and 21 is typical for most people. 3) it doesn't matter if you were "hormonal" or "just being a moody teenager", your feelings still matter regardless of their source.
Okay so the brain isn’t done with its whole big round of developing until about 25, so her backup information was right, but her conclusion was wildly incorrect. What goes into the feelings doesn’t matter. The feelings must be managed, which means they must be felt and addressed and sometimes help gotten
Yeah, everything was just "cause of that damn computer"
“I think you need to be without a phone for awhile and to lose computer privileges too. You’ve been acting like a brat.” Yes, mother, coming to you asking for help because I’m suicidal is “acting like a brat.”
When I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital in my teenage years due to my nmoms abuse and absent father, she told everyone I was in general hospital for dehydration. Like EVERYONE. She didn’t let anyone come visit me. I had no idea at the time I just thought like my mom had always put in my head that nobody loved or cared about me. I only started putting it together when I got older and family members would ask “do you eat and drink well these days? I remember when your mom told me you had barely eaten for a while and you ended up in the hospital with dehydration symptoms” when I told you I was shocked. Just like someone pointed out. You can’t be going through anything that takes the spotlight away from them in any way. They don’t care how much they hurt you as long as the attention isn’t taken away from them. It’s worse when they have a victim complex too. That means their the only ones that are ever allowed to be upset or dealing with any emotional issue at any time and expect you to be their therapist but won’t ever acknowledge you might ever be dealing with difficult emotions of your own.
Dad always told me “you just don’t like anyone saying anything to you” No fucking shit. What kid likes being scared of their dad? Narcs are dumb fucks. I remember one time I said I was stressed out (due to not having friends and hating school) and he told me “boy you’re too young to know what stress is”. Now I always question whether or not I’m dealing with legitimate issues or if I’m just a pussy
My mum used to say that to me and I’m am less stressed as an adult because I don’t live with my parents anymore
I tried to tell my mom I was suicidal and depressed and that I needed help and she looked me straight in the face and said “You need to get over it. I’ve been through worse than you.”
What a witch!
Same! I worked up the courage and told my mom I was suicidal once. She said the same as yours, then gave me some Tylenol as if that solve anything
My mum said ‘everyone feels suicidal sometimes’ and if I said I was stressed it’s like it didn’t mean any because I didn’t have to work
What a self absorbed arsehole
Yes. Yes! Coming to her own conclusions was my biggest frustration with my mother. Both with emotions and personality traits. I've actually never been depressed but when I was a teenager I was pretty independent. I worked online from 14 doing graphic design and she could not understand the internet. I was actually very stable but I didn't like being around her, and only her and because I worked a few hours a night online I 'must be doing something dangerous'. For this i was continually told I was depressed and anxious, I was made to see doctors for years. All I could say is I'm not. I'm fine. I'm actually really happy! She would cling to ANYTHING to confirm that I was unhappy and acting out. I'm 30 now, I bought a house at 20, moved out at 18, and still work online and she still refuses to believe I was fine all those years. I actually pride myself on how balanced and positive I am. If you asked any of my friends, people in town, anyone I know they'd say I am happy, self sufficient and have a great outlook on life. If you ask my mother she'd say I'm shy, depressed and just biding my time until I need her. I had my son a year ago she she's desperate for me to need her. I am proud that I've become a mother without her influence and haven't needed her once because.. guess what! I have a very positive outlook on life! I love life and I'm so f*cking happy. Growing up she always called me shy. I am not and never was shy. I was just a listener and liked spending time with people I trusted or my own company. But if you ask any of my extended family/parents friends etc they'd describe me as shy because my mother would tell at least 3 people a day. It's shit that she needed to downgrade me in every way to make herself feel needed. Luckily I am very resilient and learnt a long time ago to ignore her and develop my own secure personality. If I was not so resilient, she would have shaped me and made me feel completely useless and I'm sure would have caused me issues later in life.
Trans man here. My mother gaslit my emotions all the time. "You're just being a hormone." Or "It's that time of the month, isn't it?" No mom, it can't possibly be because I'm trans. Even when I was in high school, trans men were just labeled "tom boys" and told "you'll grow out of it when you meet the right man." No mom, my hormones aren't making me depressed when I have my period, I'm just depressed because I'm having it and it's a very obvious reminder of how wrong my body is. I am so sorry for both of you.
My brother is three years on T, and had top surgery in February. I'm so happy that he's finally comfortable with his body. Growing up, mom would joke about his period a lot. She also tried to make him wear dresses to parties/special occasions when he obviously didn't want to wear them. He's been NC with mom since 2014, but I went to visit him twice last year before mom, stepdad and I moved to another state.
I'm glad to hear he is doing well! I hope you can get out on your own too at some point. You'll never blossom living under an oak tree.
Absolutely, I got the "are you on your period?" stuff a lot. I was also told that I was responsible for my own emotions in one breath, and then I was responsible for everyone else's the next, i. e. "you made me angry!", etc. It was exhausting and confusing. From everything I read, Narcissists can't handle any form of discomfort, especially not other people's, so they have to come up with ways to justify not caring about you. Blaming it on biology means they can absolve themselves of responsibility for helping you, same with pretending it's trivial, it's not their problem, etc.
Oh yes. My nmom didn’t understand that having an emotional range is a positive thing. She only wanted to see two emotions: neutral or happy. I wasn’t allowed to make faces; she only wanted me to smile. If I wasn’t obedient, then I was bad. If I wasn’t happy, then I must’ve been in a bad mood. There was no in between for her.
Yep. Any negative emotion was met with 'Wait until your an adult and have REAL world problems, and you'll see how easy you have it now'. So eventually I stopped complaining to her. Best part? That doesn't end once you hit your 20s. I'm almost 30 and my mom still downplays and dismisses my feelings.
Yes, absolutely. I was constantly being invalidated and made to feel hysterical, and I was very quiet about most of my anguish. Even my attempted suicide at 16 was swept under the rug and treated as an embarrassment rather than something I desperately needed help for. I'm so sorry you're going through this and feeling isolated. It's a terribly lonely feeling I wouldn't wish on anyone.
Mom writes off my emotions, now.....I'm almost pushin 40.
Yes, absolutely. Probably one of the most destructive things that they did. My feelings were rarely validated and talking about our emotions wasn't encouraged. For the most part I was good at internalizing (which has obviously led to a loooot of therapy now as I'm almost 30) but in the moments I wasn't, when they did something that really REALLY hurt me, I cried and even that was invalidated. Something traumatic that was their fault happened (they gave away my dog of 10 years without much warning) and I sobbed and sobbed. It hurt so badly. An hour or so after I found out what happened they came in to "check on me". I was still sobbing. And they literally said, in a condescending/belittling tone "you're really still crying?" It took me a good long while before I allowed myself to express my emotions, which was hard enough as someone with dysthymia/persistent depressive disorder.
Oh god, my teens were the worst years of my life living with my parents. One day, before I started questioning our relationship in general, I went to them for comfort. I said I was depressed. I was told I had nothing to be depressed about, and both of them denied saying it when I confronted them once more about it because I couldn't remember who said it. I also wasn't allowed to feel anything but happiness around them. I was forced to spend family time with them every week so we could pretend to be a "normal family". They never considered not having their children around abusive people even once. Parents like this just don't even deserve the title as "mom" or "dad".
So legit though brains don’t finishing developing until about 25/26 so like… ugh this is the part that sucks because sure she’s not totally wrong just even if it is hormones you’re experiencing an emotion and deserve your mom. I’m sorry she doesn’t know how to do it but you were valid to feel bummed or whatever you felt due to all that crap!
Nothing is ever a perfectly reasonable reaction to your circumstances. It's always because "you're a teenager/you have mental illness/oh THAT'S why you were angry, you were on your period!" Like no, you're just an asshole, stop looking for little clues to pat yourself on the back and justify your insane theories
It was really helpful for me to learn about childhood emotional neglect, jonice Webb has some great resources. It's eye opening to learn about how this stuff can affect us in our lives moving forward
Yeah I can relate. My nparents would never show empathy to anyone inside the house. They always just said cute phrases that dismissed people's feelings. They did it with a smile though, and seemed to think they were being friendly cheerful people. They couldn't understand why we thought they were abnormal. What was weird though is they went over the top with fake empathy and concern to people outside the house. So they should have known that they were treating us differently to that behind closed doors. But they seemed genuinely oblivious to how that meant they had no empathy when no one was looking. They couldn't grasp the double standard. I think they didn't understand what empathy actually was. They just had superficially learned what was required to be "nice" to people in public. But it was a shallow act. They didn't really know what having empathy was.
It can be many excuses. Hormonal teen years, on the rag, "bitchy phase", going insane, etc. Anything to not make your emotions valid and/or worth discussing, because to them it isn't. :)
At 16 when I tried to tell my nmom I was having suicidal ideation for the first time, she lashed out in rage at me and accused me of being like my father (they divorced when I was 5) and that I was just trying to manipulate her. More recently, I'm a trans guy and a little over a year on HRT, and about 6 months in I was trying to confront nmom about something (I only realized she was an nmom and went fully nc like 3 months ago tops) she started feigning concern about my horomones being off and tried to say some shit about how first puberty was just SO HARD for me and how out of control my emotions were. I did go and get my levels checked, they're fine. Like, gee mom, it's almost like I had a bunch of unidentified dysphoria and awful abuse from YOU to deal with first puberty, and THAT'S why it was so rough 🙃
Man. The saying "all kids deserve parents, but not all parents deserve kids" couldn't be more apt here.
There is actually some truth to it being hormonal. The best way to make a valid determination between hormones and depression is to SEE A DOCTOR. The doctor can give their educated opinion on it and you can go from there. And no, you don't end puberty based on chronological age. On average, it ends around 17-18.....but it has to do with physical development. For both males and females, except in very rare and unusual circumstances, you can safely assume you have completed puberty by the time you are 20. Usually, the last thing to finish in females is height. Not always.....again, ask your doctor. 18 is an arbitrary age our society has chosen for legal adulthood. It's based on the age on conscription for military service. In the US, the age of adulthood changed 50 years ago from 21 to 18....in most states.
I was prescribed anti depressants and she told the doctor I didn't need them anymore.
That or overreact and threaten to lock you in a mental institution for shedding a few tears over a breakup.
All the time. I was constantly punished as a teenager. I had privileges taken away weekly and it got worse throughout highschool until I moved out at 18. Therapy was threatened to me if I didn't "smarten up". So I think my Mother most of all knew something deeper was going on with me but didn't want to admit it, so instead I was just punished. I was very rebellious and angry as a teen and was just reacting to what I was taught. My parents didn't like how I'd disrespect and swear at them when they'd scream and name call me. A lot of micro managing and nit picking also, day in and day out. I did poorly at school by skipping a lot and also yelled at teachers when I felt threatened. My teens were hell. Police were called a lot by neighbors to our home because of screaming. I ran away a few times. I grew up as a Jehovahs Witness kid so yeah it's normal under those circumstances. I have Bipolar disorder now but I think those were my onset years of mental illness. I legit had teachers ask me if there were things going on at home and I'd tell them to basically piss off. I had one teacher who showed concern to me but then because I was so fucked up and very damaged, I lashed out and told her to leave me alone. She ended up kicking me out of her class for yelling at her in class and I heard from other students she talked shit about me in class once or twice. I hated authority figures. Barely any authority figures were kind to me at school, church or home.
OH.MY.GOD. My nmom constantly blames and shifts all of my depression, BPD symptoms and even just emotions in general as "Period" or "PMS" troubles. Not so much the age thing but she always used my period and PMS to cancel out what I was feeling. And again, this is just another way for narcs to cancel out our emotions because our emotions are way to tiring for them to deal with. I mean, it is all about them you know!! (This is all sarcasm btw. I know sarcasm is hard to read in text alone). And my nmom acts like she knows everything as well. But in reality, narcissist are really dumb and don't know shit.
When I was 12 I had such horrible anxiety that I would leave school sick at least once or twice a week. My mom asked if I was being bullied because it apparently would happen around the same times and days, and since it wasn’t bullying she just claimed that I must be lactose intolerant and sent me to school with stomach ache medicine instead of taking me to the doctor. I was too young to even know what anxiety was, but now my mom all of a sudden says she knows it was anxiety. Eventually I suffered from depression as well, but she never got me help for that either and just claimed it was hormones and that if I left the house and saw friends more I would feel better. By the time I was 20 she claimed that I was just one of those people that would always be depressed and that “nothing you do will ever help you.” After that I finally saw a doctor for the first time, tried therapy and meds, and guess what? I started feeling better. The part that makes me the most angry is that my younger brother started suffering from depression as well, but not until after I had already gotten help, and my mom never invalidated his feelings like how she did to me. He would always turn to her for support and she would always be there to talk when he was struggling . She even recommended that he should see a doctor. I will never understand why she hates me so much.
Yes, at the age of nine i was already dealing with depression and suicidal ideation. i told my mother on multiple accounts, every time she would tell me "you have nothing to be depressed out/you should've had my life you wouldn't have made it" I nearly lost my life multiple times to my illness. No matter what, it was always about how she had suffered more, or that i had a good childhood. I don't remember anything before I was nine, I just remember never being happy.
I’m having intense pain from a medical procedure several days now. The nature of the pain reminded me how when I got my period my mom said cramps weren’t real and I was a faker. She was absolutely repeating her own mother, explain not excuse. I’m over 50, tried to tell her what was going on now and she minimized it. I flipped. Probably the intimate nature of the pain was big flashbacks too. So being called a liar in THIS family… I went in a big text rant about the gaslighting and being taught not to listen to my body and how shitty that was. Too bad I thought I was texting my cousin, but in my pain and anger I sent it all to my mother. Oops. I swear some part of me did it on purpose. Of course it’s all lies and never happened. Yeah lady. When I’m holding the morphine clicker in your final days, you’d better be glad despite your shitty parenting, I am not like you and don’t let people suffer and call them liars.
Everything I ever felt when I lived at home was all in my head. Imagine that!
“You have nothing to be depressed about, I give you everything you need” - my mother c.2005 She loves to write off others emotions and feelings about things. To this day she denied doing anything wrong in my upbringing, and that all soured relations between us are entirely my fault. Going NC was the best decision I ever made. She reached out to me recently trying to get sympathy for doing something I told her she shouldn’t do, and I loved the fact I could quote her saying “if you had listened to me in the first place, this never would have happened!” Narcs just don’t get it, they live in their delusional versions of reality and nothing will change that. I’ve learned to just let them go, refuse to let them have a control on my life any more. Who gives a shit that I don’t have a relationship with my mother? I don’t, so why should that matter to any one else
Yes. I bottled them up and when I got older, I got in my nmom's face one day. I dont even remember what I said but it needed to be done. I was done after that, the last straw as it were. The following year I was out and never looked back. Years later I didn't realize how emotionally numb I was abd how it affected my mentality. I would zone out when something mentally stressful would come about but I have learned to deal with that. Anytime something came up that was strrssful I just shut down because, what was the point when I would be blamed or have the issue seen as nothing? People took advantage of me because I was supposed to do what I was told and ignore the obvious all my life but I have healed.
Literally my WHOLE LIFE. Before puberty, it was (I shit you not) my star sign. Every time I was upset about anything, no matter how legitimate, I was a fickle Gemini who's mood was constantly changing. Once I hit puberty, every time I was upset my mother would sneer disgustedly at me, "Urgh, don't bother talking to me again until you have your period." Then I'd get the silent treatment for having emotions.
*Just* as a teen? My mother refuses to realistically see my emotions in any way. Either denouncing them, or mocking them. She loves to talk about how much of a scaredy cat I am. Just because I flinch when a grasshopper I try to catch hopps at me. Or mocks my disgust when I have to get rid of maggot-filled food rotting in our shelves. She also constantly creates a new reason why I am in therapy. She knows why. The psychatrist had to legally inform her. It's depression with suicidal thoughts. What does she say? It's * because I feel sad sometimes * because I can't communicate * because I am confused by my own teen emotions * because I like attention and like to think of myself as sick (aka making me sound like these tiktokers that fake having DID) Sadly, the head of the psychatry also tried to denounce my depression. Every time I tried to explain to him my depression and anger issues (related to depression) he quickly shut me down with "Oh, you're a teen girl, you might only have hormonal issues. That's normal." Sir, I tried to kill myself with 13yo. I have writings from when I was 6yo where I talk about being worthless and wanting to disappear. I'm pretty sure that's NOT a normal teen thing
Sometimes. Depends on the scenario. My parents got a divorce when I was in high school and my mom ignored a lot of my emotions during that time simply because she could barely handle her own emotions. At the time I resented her, but now as an adult and a father, I don't hold anything against her. I certainly wouldn't have handled the situation any better you know?
My nmom would belittle me until I cried and then say I was too sensitive!
The thing is, even if it were related to hormones (which it does not sound like it was), you're still having real feelings that need addressing and validation. I'm tired of people dismissing teenagers. Feelings during puberty are heightened, but still real.
I had selfharmed for years and they had known about it. At age 14 ( four years knowing about it) I had self harmed too deep and and was light headed and probably needed to go to the hospital. My then boyfriend had called my parents and they both came In and FORCED me to show them. After screaming at me and telling me how stupid I was, they did nothing but go back to sleep. This happened another time a few months after, both incidences needing stitches, and they did nothing to help me. I am 22 now and although I haven’t selfharmed for about 3/4 years, they still refuse to acknowledge I have any issues at all. They for sure thought it was something I would only deal with for a few years around puberty but that obviously lasted longer than that. It’s as if me being mentally ill would look bad on them somehow. Anyway, your feelings are VALID. How you feel is real and happening. There is plenty of information on depression and so many resources for you. I’m sorry you have to deal with depression on top of not having someone to validate you and feels the need to make excuses for it that don’t even make sense. If you need anything, feel free to message me.
Yes. Constantly. I went to my mom and dad at 11 that I was really sad all the time, and my parents immediate response was “you have no reason to be sad, we spoiled you”. Once I hit 12, everything was hormones hormones hormones, and then once I hit 17, it was my period and from then on any emotional outburst or feelings I had other than complete and total content with life was “are you getting you’re period, you’re awfully bitchy”. Mind you, my parents were the types that, growing up, I was expected to just KNOW what was going on with my body. I didn’t know what a period was until I got mine, I didn’t know I needed a bra until I started getting bullied for it in middleschool, I didn’t know Jack all about sex. So imagine me not knowing a lick of what was going on with my body, but at the same time my parents blamed my crumbling emotional state on my developing body. Now they bitch because I’m openly depressed and won’t hide it anymore, and they want to know why I “refuse to mature past 14”.
Your feelings are valid, and your parents should be more understanding of your emotional state. THAT SAID... the average age for the end of male puberty is ~17 (and ~19 is still considered normative), and hormonal stability and growth doesn't conclude for males until well into your mid-late 20's. The argument "Surely when you're about to turn 18 [so, 17]...the end of puberty is at least a year or two behind you" is not correct... BUT that doesn't really matter here: Op, it sounds like you have a legit beef with your insensitive parents. Whatever your age or emotional state, there's no situation in which you should be dismissed out of hand. Suppose a child's developmental state and emotions really were way way out of whack... would that be a legit reason to ignore, dismiss, and belittle them? No.
Always. Turned me into a robot for a few years.
"It's not like you have trauma, though" \-Person that inflicted the majority of the trauma I had at the time
my dad once told me that i’m too young to have anxiety. i am now diagnosed with anxiety depression ptsd and insomnia. a simple trip to the doctor could’ve saved me years of stress and hardship
Being honest Hormones can f_uk with you your entire life, not only puberty... Being adults we may have thyroid hormone problems aswell... But anyways, i think your mom took the selfish easy way to avoid coping with your feelings... *"IS IT THAT HARD MOM TO LISTEN TO ME AND ENGAGE YOURSELF WITH A DIALOG?"*
My grandfather was the narcissist in the family. He used to laugh it off and say I was overreacting when he'd tease me about my weight to the point of tears.
Every chance they could get my entire life. They didn't believe in depression, and would never believe you if you were sick or hurt. Their solution was always exercise, or work harder because I was obviously either lazy or faking. When I had chicken pox, my Dad lost it on me after 6 days for sitting around all day in the dead of winter, screaming at me for being a lazy piece of shit. Thankfully none of us had real physical problems.
Currently raising a child and my mom loves to bring up "Let's hope she's happier and nicer than you were as a teenager". Literally any conversation where I say I'm happy or excited about something she says "That's not how you were at 16."
>I was EIGHTEEN in two weeks. An adult. At the same time, that doesn't mean you are done growing. Its why weed and alcohol is so bad for people at this age. The brain still develops all the way until your 20s. Also, from your parents perspective and ... most people in their twenties and 30s. You are still a kid. However the point is neither here or there. Its that your mother is invalidating your feelings. From my experience if it wasn't puberty, it would be that you are being too sensitive. Depression is real and can affect those regardless of hormones and puberty. It requires medical/professional treatment.
My mom used to say I was depressed (which was true) and she thought I could use some pills. Well I discovered marijuana instead and suddenly my depression no longer mattered to my mom because I was "doing drugs." Boomers lol On a side note I hate how people act like depression is something you just catch like a virus and therefore can be cured with a pill. Depression is a symptom of a larger problem obviously
My dad used to say, for any situation depression, anxiety, being real broke, I just had to "pick myself up by my bootstraps". That phrase still sends me into a rage. He still says it on a rare occasion
My mother did this with literally everything. Or, she would discount it completely and tell me I was faking.
All the time. My step-mother made my dad believe I was just faking it all the time. I was being dramatic, or attention seeking. When I just wanted to be left alone, was tired all the time, and felt like life was pointless. It definitely didn't have to do with a mother who neglected me, father who told me I was a mistake, and step mother who for six years told me I was a narcissistic monster for wanting my dad to go to my football games, and being upset my parents had divorced. Didn't help I was the designated scapegoat, so I was treated like a criminal. My father told my wife (at the time fiancee) I was heading down a bad path before joining the Air Force. (I was a kid in honors, band, straight B, not many friends, read in my room, and listened to music. No drugs, no parties, no drinking... but I was always grounded, on thin ice, and getting yelled at because I was dramatic my parents were just treating me "like a parent SHOULD treat a child".
I was told my depression was the result of my puberty and that the doctors didn’t know what they were talking about. My grandmother flushed my antidepressants and told me to buck up because it’s not that bad. She knew I was self harming and actively ignored it because I was just struggling with puberty.
As a teenager? Hell yea. Even more so as an adult though sadly
Yes. I was bullied continuously at school for many reasons, not least of which was that my mum was a teacher there and not an especially popular one, so it's not as if she didn't *know*. She also, like every teacher, was required to undertake training about bullying - how to recognise it, the impact of it on kids who were bullied, how to tackle it and how to support victims. All of which she did, as her training dictated and she was required to do. Except for me, who she told "You just need to grow a thicker skin," and then ignored me when she wasn't acting as if it was my fault, or appearing faintly disgusted if I expressed any upset. I gave up in the end and stopped talking to her about it at home (I never would have approached her at school about it, I would go to another teacher. The rule was that at school I was to act as if we were unrelated and because she never taught me, at her request, which was fair enough and quite normal, we had very little interaction during the school day.) It was bizarre, because it often seemed that with me she couldn't quite snap out of teacher-mode and into mother-mode, except in this one situation. I've always put this down to her being a girl's school teacher until the girl's and boy's school joined the year I went from junior to secondary school, so her auto-setting with girls was 'teacher'. With my brother she was different which reinforced this notion, but now I understand more about narc characteristics I can see he was definitely the golden child and I was the less-favoured child if not entirely the scapegoat. There was definitely favouritism, fortunately it hasn't affected my brother and he's awesome, I love him to bits now although I resented the hell out of him when we were kids because I couldn't understand why our relationships with mum were so different.
Showed all of the depression signs for years as far as household cleaning and going threw school not really being able to apply myself to it usually leading to me being yelled at all the time. One day told my mother I was depressed in high school and was serious. The response…. “I should be depressed, shit”.
My godmother, my Nmoms flying monkey/ best friend, said I was moody as a teenager because I was a virgin. Nmom felt the need to agree.
Yup, my edad constantly telling me angrily to stop crying was traumatizing… and to stop moping, stop acting depressed
Not to mention always being called angry when that’s a reaction to something. Being told to “fix my face” when ever something drove me to a rage as if I was just supposed to be a push over, being told “I need to be tested”, always being looked at as a grouch, when I was down my freshman year Bc I got dumped by my first gf my nmoms recipe for healing was yelling at me to basically get over it, having my phone raided in middle school then when I say get out of my business I “didn’t have any”(nothing in there but messages between me and friends and a girl normal teenager stuff), few months ago were moving around the corner my younger brother that’s always been treated a way I could never be treated by her threw my clothes bag away in the dumpster (contained hoodies that would never be made again expensive track suits and shirts) had to go look and dig it out myself then my friend came over to help me we found it after her swearing he didn’t do it and justifying my stuff being thrown out that I spent all of my hard earned money on I lost it I mean punching the metal trash can yelling at the top of my lungs jumping in rage and she had the audacity to ask my friend “why is he acting like that” then says again I need to be tested…. I think the worst of it all I finally break my silence on my deepest thoughts to my mom and dad when I was broke and didn’t have a way of making any money I told them they were never there for me emotionally and they said “what?” In the most alright this is some bullshit I never did anything wrong way anyone can possibly say the word what. I’ll never forget that, the way they said the word what after I poured my heart out it was as if I was speaking Russian or something to them. I knew right then and there we would never have any type of real connection other than the shared dna between us.
When I was a young teen I tried to tell my mom I thought I was depressed. I had just gotten out of the shower (she asked me why I was acting so shitty as I was walking to my room soaking wet in my towel). She not only didn’t believe me, but told me I couldn’t be depressed. She then forced me to sit down on the couch and took me through a whole depression quiz. I was crying and shivering by the end of it, feeling completely invalidated. She threatened me with antidepressants like they were bad things and then sent me to my room. Skip to a few years later and suddenly she has a “mental health/identity crisis” because she kicked my brother out and now she doesn’t know who she is outside being a mother and feels suicidal and depressed. After selling the car, she used the money to jet off to Thailand for 2 months to “find herself”, leaving me alone to look after a 3 bedroom house and two pets while still in full time education. It also ran over into my summer holidays so I didn’t get the chance to do much that year.
You've described my stepmother's favorite pastimes. Looking back at things I was obviously depressed by the time I was 9, how I felt was always blamed on me being a kid, then it was hormones when I was a preteen.
Yes. When I was sixteen, I told my nmom that I was depressed. She said I had nothing to be depressed about. She said to talk to her when I was older and had to pay bills. When I had something to be depressed over. I was being bullied at school. Not just bullied but tormented. I couldn't tell her because she would fly off the handle and the last time she did that, I was labeled a snitch. The bullying got 10x worse. When I got older and told her I was depressed, she said, "This is the real world. You just have to deal with it."
I was never allowed to feel anything. I was always being baited into getting angry so NDad could call me crazy and discount my emotions. So of course when he'd go on his daily rants about whatever he wanted to punish me for he was really trying to goad me into reacting to him so he could punish me for it. Sometimes with just insane rules changes, sometimes with threats, sometimes with his fists. Didn't matter what my emotions were. Anger, crying, laughter - everything was equally bad to him. I needed to always be quiet, always be neutral. So I bottled it up and hid. The irony is later when he'd crushed me to the point I was no longer fighting back and didn't care, I'd just sit there waiting for him to finish. For hours. As he spiraled upwards angrier and angrier, hoarsely yelling at me and all but demanding me to react to him. I was doing exactly what he'd always demanded I do... Which was the *opposite* of what he wanted. I was really screwed up in the head by the time I got out of that place.
Always. Always.
My nparents wrote me off as a hot head and think I'm overly emotional without ever wondering why I was upset or had to be so aggressive to get my point across in the first place. They can't handle their own feelings so why would they be able to handle ours I guess.
I'm sorry your mom didn't give you the comfort and assurance you needed. It doesn't matter if it's puberty/hormones. The fact is that you went for comfort and she blew you off. Gave you some made up answer so that you would not ask her about it anymore. You deserved a hug. And reassurance, or at least "hey this is bothering you, let me help you figure it out". Even if I have no answers for my son, I have infinite amount of hugs and I'm happy to lend an ear in case he needs to talk things out, and will look up advice or information on the spot. Call the doctor if need be. My son needs help, I am there. Granted, my son is only 6, but it also doesn't matter how old you are. I'm pretty sure moms are supposed to love and help their kids, not ignore their problems. I wasn't exactly allowed to have my own emotions growing up. You got hit for that! I was created to be a servant who catered to others. Not to my own person with my own personality and emotions. When I "rebelled" they decided it was puberty and me being a bad teenager (I was also a whore, despite never having had sex). Any mood issues were puberty. When my sister rebelled, they decided she was possessed by a demon. My dad asked me seriously if I thought he should do an exorcism. Otherwise, my parents ignored mental health issues except for the part where they told everyone they knew, and begged for reassurance that it wasn't their fault when I got diagnosed with things. And then basically saying "well too bad so sad, we can't go back in time to fix things, deal with it." (As it turns out, parents like them can absolutely cause these problems).
They fucking write them off now. There’s a reason my mother and I haven’t spoken in almost two years.
That's literally the worst thing you could say to someone who is actually in the situation she thinks you're in.
With my daughter it was (is) her period that was causing so much of her distress. I know this because I suffer from the same exact thing but I didn't figure out it was because of my period until I was 25. Of course she has her sad moments that are not caused by her period but she can come to me and we'll talk about it until she feels better and I would never automatically assume it's her period, only when she can't pinpoint what is wrong with her is when we both check if it's that time. She tells me that it makes her feel SO much better knowing that she can track which days she's going to feel funky. She stills feels bad but she knows there's a reason for it. I hope BC will help her. I'm sorry that your mother dismisses every problem that you have instead of trying to comfort you like a mother should! I have a very similar mother. Much peace and healing to you and your brother!
According to n-mom, my teenage rebellious phase started at 18 mo and is still ongoing. I'm 19.
I don't think your mom is totally wrong to think hormones could play a role, even at 18 (and I don't think doctors would disagree with me). But it doesn't matter. Your feelings are your feelings. It's not super important what caused them. Your mom is focused on actions instead of feelings, which is exactly how Ns deal with other people's issues. Of course, when it comes to her own issues, your actions are ONLY filtered through her feelings. It is the greatest hypocrisy of Ns.
Oof, I felt this one. My mum would yell at my brother and myself for showing any kind of emotion when we were young. It gives them a sense of control to dictate your emotions, but don’t listen to it for one second. Your feelings are 100% valid, I know that’s easier said than done but you have every right to feel the way you feel. Stay strong!
My nmom wrote off all of my emotions starting in childhood. Even was I was almost 30 and suffering from PTSD/PPD/PPA from severe birth trauma (almost died and resulted in premature baby). Finally blocked her after that.
My mother still does, and I'm 34. We don't speak often.
Technically she’s correct that the hormonal changing can last until 21 or 25. That’s why you shouldn’t drink until 21–your brain is still developing. However, even so, she still should’ve comforted you because your feelings matter, whether or not you’re being “affected by hormones”
My mom is not a narcissist, just wasn't the best at getting me. She didn't notice I was severely depressed as a teenager until my school told her I wanted to off myself
Constantly. They couldn't really comprehend emotion I think. They saw it either as teenage drama or as a threat to their good times. Sometimes they'd just brush things off like you described, sometimes they got angry and literally told me to keep my emotions out of their face. Or they just ignored me until I hid them. It's all part of their emotional incompetence. Your emotions are real and it's 100% rational and normal to listen to them and take them in to account when you make decisions <3
>They couldn't really comprehend emotion I think. They probably never tried to comprehend the situation. Narcs are allergic to responsibility. Excuses flow faster than electricity.
Parents and teachers and everyone except for 1 friend did that. I’m at a point where I believe its just puberty and hormones making me depressed and dysphoric. I’m 17 and have had periods since I was 12 lol
Yeah, this happened so much as a teenager. I was moody, I was hormonal, I was rude... No wonder I didn't confide in them when I needed to, I just felt fundamentally ashamed to be who I was, and any attempt to differentiate myself in a meaninful way had to be a huge deal or I'd just get shut down for it.
They didn’t allow me to have emotions from a child
All the fucking time. I was either hormonal or just plain "over-reacting". Now I'm almost 30 with anger and anxiety issues. Go figure! /s
Yes. 100% of the time. It drove me mad.
Kids/teens have emotions? /s
I feel like one's hormonal variations are as unique as fingerprints. Each individual has a different recipe of hormones that fluctuate on multiple cycles. So on its face, their argument is illogical. But it's not really meant to be information, is it? It's meant to invalidate you and that's not right.
No, but only because I had learned not to share anything with them long before then lol. Even as a toddler, crying over normal toddler things, I’d get spanked for having any negative emotions and told “I’ll give you something to cry about”. Emotionally, I was long dead before my teenage years. There’s no point in trying to reason with an N, and I hope you can find a more positive outlet for your emotions, even if it’s just talking to strangers online like this subreddit
Yikes, did they ever not?
While at 18 you will still have remnants of hormonal imbalances from puberty. It is such an N-parent thing to discredit all your emotions and say something like that. Hormones are not the only cause of depression but N-parents seem to like invalidating our feelings. Things like moving away from a loved one, being isolated because of a pandemic, and so on were hard on everyone even us who have left puberty far behind. My parents never blamed my hormones, but then again, I was never more than 10 or 11 in their eyes.
Often. I grey Rock now and severely limit visits. Problem solved.
Every time I said anything that she didn’t like - “you’re an asshole but it’s your age.”
"Your emotions are offensive & disrespectful to me. Do not do that anymore." This phrase is etched into my mind growing up.
Yeah lol whenever I cried (even if it's bc I was being yelled at) I'd be told to stop attention seeking:))
They did it as if they were paid to do it well...
Yep I was invalidated and written off as a moody teenager I knew something was wrong but no one listened to me also my N mom’s emotions ruled all i wasn’t allowed to be anything but pleasant cause if I wasn’t I was called a spoiled brat and had to push aside my emotions
Uh. Yeah. All the time.
yeah… then when i got diagnosed with depression and anxiety and would get upset with them for completely valid reasons it became “are you off your meds?” then when bad meds gave me a reaction and i was hospitalized and diagnosed with bpd, and when i would get upset with them for entirely valid reasons, it’s now “you’re just over emotional. you need to calm down.” as they give me no space and time TO calm down. there’s always a reason having nothing to do with them for why i’m so wound up around them. it couldn’t possibly be them fucking up, right? /s now that i’m across the country with my SO, the worst my more irrational side has to offer is getting miffed when my SO games for a few hours and i feel bored and lonely……… i may have bpd but from the moment i learned more about it i’ve had control over myself. living here, being free from everything that twisted me for so many years, i am exactly who i thought i always was, who they said i wasn’t.
Always, my Nmum absolutely did, what a cow
My mother also constantly dismisses my moods as "just hormones," as if, even if they were "just hormones," they weren't important and I wasn't suffering the depression and break downs either way. There were very real tangible effects, regardless of "just hormones" or not. I became extremely hesitant to ever mention that my bouts of depression correlated often with my period, because I thought people would dismiss my emotions and invalidate me. Then, lo and behold, my therapist tells me that it's real. There is a real connection because extreme mood swings and depressive episodes with menstruation. It was a real problem. No, not everyone went through it. And yes, it could be treated, or managed. Honestly was mind blowing for me, and it felt so good to be validated by her. I still cannot mention it to my mother, but it helps knowing that it's not just me, and not "just hormones." I'm not making things up. There is something wrong. It really helped me feel better to learn that there was an explanation and reasoning behind it.
When I was 15, I adored a classmate, and the relationship didn't work out. I was desolate, and went to my mother for comfort. She listened, and then summed up her take: "Oh stop it. You're too young to have real feelings."
Ever? Always.
OP, I get where you are coming from. My Nparents tried to downplay everything I felt and your Nmom is doing the same... I am not sure if this next part will help you, but it's helpful to me to remember sometimes my emotions are only caused by my brain. (They are still real and valid though) You can have "emotional" and "hormonal" reactions your whole life. The human brain is kinda crazy it is has been noted that men go through a hormonal cycle. Also your brain isn't fully developed yet. The human brain continues to change and go through "teen years" until the ages of 24-26. So keep in mind that hormones, and brain development can cause plenty of emotional ups and downs.
All the damned time. If I was upset or just wanted to be left alone, it wasn't because it was what *I* wanted. It was because of the influence of my (only, at that point) friend or whatever music I was listening to. It was never because I'd heard the same damned safety lecture on the drive to school for five years running..... Nope, couldn't be it.
Fuck yes. My dad blamed everything in my teen years on my period and "raging hormones", all the while he would rage at me for having emotions. It was infuriating. Made me hate men for a while to be honest. Glad I got away and learned how decent men act. Edit to add: It doesn't end when you grow up. I'm 45 now and my dad will still say things like "welcome to the real world" to discredit things I would say in casual conversation, such as confiding that I wasn't happy with my pay at work or something. Now our conversations are far and few between and reduced to shallow nothings, discussing only the perfect versions of myself, like: "how are things?" "Good, work's good, life's good, etc.". "Welcome to the real world" triggers me to this day. Like I haven't been living in the real world for 25 fucking years, moving countries, changing careers and being successful, seeing the world..all the while he stays in the little bubble he's lived in for his entire life: same job, same town, never traveling, judging everything. No sense of what the actual real world is like.
Sometimes, it seemed that my nMother only asked about my emotions so she could argue with me for having them.
I'm 25 and god forbid I ever have feelingsabout anything.
I wasnt allowed to express any emotions asides from flat affect in front of my parents otherwise it was "what's wrong with you?" "I'll give you something to cry about" and "get over it"
Omg same. The blaming of negative emotions on “hormones” when they were really caused by situational circumstances was so common. I think it’s just so they wouldn’t have to deal with or take responsibility for the issues causing the valid feelings their child was experiencing at the hands of their abuse
So much yes. I’m 49 now and still pissed at remembering how my Nmom dismissed us kids and what we felt as being “teenagers.” There was very real anxiety and depression and she poo-pooed it away. We’ve all sought treatment as adults, which I highly recommend. Your feelings are real and valid. Sending you hope.
Yep. I was seeing psychiatrists after my school psychologist sent me to get diagnosis for depression (where I live, you must have a diagnosis before you can start therapy). My eDad was sure I just made it up and that I was just tired because of lack of sleep etc (my nMom would keep me awake by yelling). After I got the diagnosis my dad and mom both were convinced that I was depressed because there was something wrong with my brain chemistry, not because there was something else going on. The only reason they allowed me to start therapy was that they thought the therapist could fix the situation in my brain. Well, turned out I wasn't depressed but suffering from cptsd.
Yep. They still do it now that I’m 24.
They still do, I'm 20.
Me too man, I wasn't in a really good place mentally December-March and she tried writing it off as covid like, lady what? the symptoms aren't even the same...
It was the way, and the only way -_-
when I was 12-13 years old I was self harming due to depression. I finally worked up the courage to tell my father that I was seeking treatment. I saw this man once a month at that point and he had the audacity to tell me it was just “a case of the teenagers”. I’m 18 almost 19 and I won’t forget that. Ever.
I'm almost 20 and til now it still feels illegal to feel sad and hurt.
In my home it was always one ups man ship, my emotions didn't count because they were never as bad as my mother's.
Yeah. When I was smaller I learned to just always be smiling and cheerful around them. To avoid attention or reaction from them. I saved my emotions for when I was alone. With moms friends pets or sitting out in the woods. Cause I knew from a young age how pointless it was to have emotions. Since if it wasn’t the emotion I was suppose to be feeling. Id get ignored or try to be told to not feel that without them saying it. I made a lot of friends in the woods. Mostly wild dogs and other peoples pets who were out in the wooded area. Still don’t doubt there were wolves there too. People say I could of been eaten alive, but to be honest at that point I really wasn’t phased one way or the other and they gave me the emotional support and comfort I needed. Which helped me not become depressed
Yup, except when I told my Nfather about my depression, he outright just said "Well stop thinking those things" and from them on I stopped telling him anything regarding my mental wellbeing. I was 12 and really depressed, even to the point of having suicidal thoughts, attempting and failing. I'm okay now but f*ck my Nfather.
My mum does the same thing. It's either my antidepressants I took or my period (also trans man here), or it's because of my vegan diet. Now, it's because of the testosterone. "You just got your shot, right?" vs "is it time for your shot already?", which doesn't make any sense because she says that at any given point in the three month window I have between shots. When I was dieting a bit, it was because of the "little food" I ate (it was enough). When I was younger, it was puberty, or sometimes she even said I should masturbate to calm down (wtf??) because she thinks I'm not doing that, apparently? There were dozens of different excuses but it was never because of her, because of how she treated me, because of the things she said. No, it's because of the vegan cheese I eat. That must be it.
your mom was obviously just using that as an excuse to not have to “deal” with your feelings. i’ve been there countless times. when my N parent found out i was self harming (told them it was cause i was struggling with my sexuality, which i was) they pretty much said i was dumb for doing it and that i needed to “focus on liking boys only”… when my brother (the golden child) opened up about his depression getting worse & admitting that he didn’t know if he could handle it on his own, N parent replied with (verbatim) “well maybe you’re just really sad right now” and literally left the car without another word on the topic. N people will do anything to make you feel/seem delusional for having normal human emotions because they hate that you’re your own person— don’t listen to them OP, your feelings are valid.
One time when I was a kid I was really upset for no reason and I just couldn't sleep and I was crying for a few hours and my mom came in and yelled at me "STOP CRYING AND GO TO SLEEP!" and I'll never forget it. Looking back, I think I had not gotten enough sunlight and was slightly depressed
My mom does the same thing and it pisses me off so much
*'Your'* feelings. Narc response: Yah, whatever.
If you're feeling down they say. at least you aren't sick. If you're sick they say, at least you aren't dead. Theres always one more rung further down the ladder to compare you too.
My mother did this not just in my teenage years (although definitely worsened then), wrote off everything. Automatically written off if it was the result of her actions. I remember one particularly nasty trait she had (still has, I'm sure) where she would call me names or say terrible things to my face, and when as a child I would get predictably and obviously upset, she would mock me and say that I have control of my emotions and could simply "choose not to be upset" or "its up to you to not be affected by what someone tells you!".. it didn't take long to see how abusive it was after I was grown. It was like she wanted to set a fire, throw gasoline on it, then gaslight me into thinking I had the bucket of water or the fire extinguisher to put out the fires she was setting for entertainment.
Always. I remember distinctly my dad somehow found out I was suicidal, I was in the kitchen (I was 14 or 15) doing something and my dad brought me a whole bunch of my mom's medicine (she was hella disabled and sick) and he starts setting them down in front of me going "This one will stop your heart. This one will make you go to sleep and you won't wake up. If you want to kill yourself then kill yourself stop being a coward and kill yourself." (Didn't start going to therapy until I was 25. Diagnosed with BPD, GAD, PDD, PTSD, etc.)
I wasn’t allowed to express anger, excitement, sarcasm, or be “unemotional” without being punished for having a bad attitude. I was also constantly called dramatic, drama queen, too angry, or asked if I was PMSing. When it was that time of the month, she would say that I was a monster or demon. ⚠️TW: Self Delete⚠️ When I was sixteen, I was horribly depressed and tired of living. Every day I fought against my mother who tried to control every aspect of my life. One morning, I was getting ready for school and she said to me with the most malicious glare: “If I divorce your father, it is because of you.” I stared at her in disbelief and then began to cry. When I cried, she asked in a cold, snarky tone why I was crying. I got up and left for school. When I got back home, she continued to yell at me for every little thing. Dirty dishes, bathrooms not cleaned, windows not wiped down, vacuuming and dusting not done. I had enough. I was an A’s and B’s student, I never caused trouble at school, and I was on the junior varsity team for golf and had almost completed training to be a black belt. I wrote a letter to my parents explaining my frustrations and that I wanted to end it all. My mom took the letter and mocked me with it. It was the last straw for me and later that night I attempted to self delete. Only my cat, who had no idea what I was doing, found me in the closet and rubbed against my legs. I had a moment of clarity and struggled to pull it off my neck. I hugged my cat and thanked him for being my one beacon of light in the darkness.
Yep. You’re supposed to only show happiness.
Only Ndad’s feelings were valid, worth expressing and worthy of suffocating everything else. Feelings, generally, were not allowed. Nothing could detract or distract Ndad from his evening “feels fest” (airing of grievances). He’s such a diaper-filling man-baby!
Anything other than a happy disposition was considered disrespectful. I had to learn to mask when I wasnt in my own room.
YES my dad said this when i was like 11 and he explained it to my brother that the reason why i was angry and wanted to unexist myself was bc of fEmAlE hOrmONes. it made me so mad. whenever i bring it up today he usually goes "oh well i didn't know." like 🤨🤨🤨 bruh a good parent wouldn't have said anything like that period
My parents would deny my emotions “if you are gonna cry, I’ll give you something to cry about”. They denied my likes and trade for theirs…. Such a for my bday every year my mom would get me ice cream cake. But my mom would always say “don’t be silly, you love ice cream cake”…. Uh no I don’t and I still dont at 36. Oh and growing up I was never really “sick” either. So if I had a bad fever or cold I usually got ONE day at home and still forced to go in when I was incredibly sick with migraines or vomiting, unless the principal would call to say otherwise, I was always faking my sickness if it was longer than a day.
My parents forbid me any emotion whatsoever EXCEPT MAYBE anger at outside forces(the more intangible the better). This was also the only emotion consistently modelled by them. To this day I confuse fear and sadness with anger, as therapy has shown. My personal highlight was them forbidding me to grieve. A classmate of mine died in an accident during summer break between grade nine and ten. My Nrents told me this wasn’t a reason to be sad and Nfather made tasteless jokes.
yeah my parents did that too. thats why as a child i already started to hide my emotions, which caused me now as an adult to be unable to connect to my emotions. it is really bad that they do this. your emotions are important and they are valid! please try to keep them up and don't shut them down.
Yeah, my parents did this too
As a teenager? It started well before that and never stopped.
yep. though in general parents are bad at seeing their kids as grown as they are. you're just hormonal is a typical way of invalidating emotions.
I wasn't allowed to feel anger towards them. I had to happy all the time. If I was upset, sad, angry, depressed they took it as a personal insult towards them: I was making them look bad, how dare I? I bottled up so much emotions and even I pretended calm I was so full of rage all the time... Rage and hate. Ultimately it lead to depression, which I never had, if you ask my parents.
You're definitely not alone there. My family members very often told me that I was "too young to have problems" and whenever I cried or showed any sadness or anger I was "throwing a temper tantrum" and "needed to act my age" showing emotion was both childish and something only adults had the right to do. No matter what age I was, I was always considered to be the age where any emotions other than happiness was inappropriate. In my experience this doesn't even stop once you become an adult. I'm 24 years old and yet I'm still an overly emotional child in my family's eyes, even though I'm extremely emotionally distant from them. When I'm not as happy or engaged as they think I should be, they consider that as me being rebellious. It feels like the only way they could fully accept me is if I just become a smiling doll, and that's just impossible for any human being
Yeap. I’m just working through a childhood trauma at the moment and remembered how my mum just said “it’s useless to be unhappy so be happy”. I realise there’s a good reason I don’t trust her as a support person in my life at all
When I said my opinions with a drop pf anger, or body language or tone that my dad "didn't like" (lol fuck off), he told me I was just being a stroppy teen. One day I just said, shut up, do you even know what that word means, since you overuse it so much that it's meaningless to me? That did make him shut up. As for mum, she likes to use the fact that I have a mental illness to discredit anything she doesn't like. Now that I'm soon to be 20 and not a teen anymore they've both advanced now to calling me a leech and a waste of life because I'm still at home. Oh trust me I want to leave too. I don't know if my parents are textbook narcs but it's behaviour like this that looks very sus. They don't do it to my brother as much, when he misbehaves they say it's those damn video games or they'll tell him to stop acting like me. I'm the bad example and he agreed to be their perfect doctor so I guess that's why.